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Wednesday, September 26, 2007 7:02 PM CDT

Well, two things. I am going to post my birth story for those interested. It was a wild ride! LOL Not really, but people kept asking me afterward if I had the baby at home on purpose...

Keri and Christian would like to ask any that would like to attend that we are celebrating Baby Fin on October 13th at 2PM at Grace Episcopal Church in Mt. Clemens. In lieu of flowers they are asking for children's books to donate in Fin's name to the Providence Children's Floor.

:) I sincerely hope that Emerald is loving on her little nephew in heaven.

Now, here is my birth story...

*********
On Mother's Day, I was having contractions and thought for sure that I would go into labor. I took the kids for a 2 mile walk... and by the evening, wasn't feeling much of anything any more. So I went to bed.

At 2:30 AM, I woke up and looked at the clock, and thought, I have to go to the bathroom. I hoisted myself out of the bed, and went. Got back into bed, and fell asleep... for a few minutes, I was so tired that it took me about 4 tries before I even considered that I was having contractions, not having to go to the bathroom! Around 3:15, I went to the bathroom again, and thought my water broke, I got up and walked around, and felt a slight gush.. .yep it has broken, and boy was there a lot of fluid. And why have I blocked out all that mucous? This is baby number 4 and I just don't remember!!! Contractions were 3-4 minutes apart.

So I called my doctor, K. She said she was on her way.


My dh set up the birth tub, K got there, and she checked me. I had no idea how dilated I was the whole time. After a while I got into the tub. The water felt so nice, but it spaced out my contractions. I wasn't really *that* disappointed by that. My mom, sisters and friend came about 7 AM. There was a lot of people at my house, but I wouldn't have it any other way. They all really worked to make this a good thing for me. I know I mentioned in my initial post here, that my dd, Emerald died 2 years ago, and I really needed the support. Particularly since I had my son by section, and then while I was still recovering from that, my dd got sick. I feel like the birth, his babyhood, and her sickness, then death, all were part of the same experience. I feel kind of ripped off.

Around 11:30, I could feel that my contractions were different. They were in my hips and felt like they were going to my knees, but only on the outside of my body. I would try to relax and focus on getting the pain down and out, and it was rough, those contractions hurt a lot more than the contractions I have had in previous labors.

Around 1:30pm, I got out of the tub to go to the bathroom, and while I was in there, I felt like labor intensified. Dr. K checked me, and she said I was close. I ended up on the bed at this point. I could have gotten back into the tub, but I felt like if they hurt more and for longer, it would be over sooner, and I was so tired, and wanting it to be over.

When she checked again, I still had a lip, so we were trying different things to help get rid of that. Finally she was telling me I could push, but I felt really no urge to push. I was screaming, my support people were all helping me to push, and my 5 year old states, that "it sounds like she is having 5 babies!"

It just hurt so bad. For a minute I thought about going to the hospital, but the contractions were coming so fast, and I hurt so badly, that I decided in my head that it didn't matter. They couldn't do anything for me at that point, and even if they could, if I would just focus and push her out, then it would be over sooner, so I started really working to push her out. I could feel her moving down. I would scream and push, and push, and then yell, and I could feel her almost out, and then I would run out of steam. And less than a minute later, I would have to start all over again. Finally, her head popped out. Someone took my hand so I could feel her squishy head. I screamed even louder, and started yelling for them to get her out of me. Just pull her out... LOL, finally I could push again, and they did, and stuck her on me. I was just so relieved to have it be done. She started nursing almost immediately. Turns out she had her hand by her face, and the cord around her neck, AND there was a true knot in her cord! I have it in the freezer... LOL M y midwife said that I do truly have a smaller pelvis, and that it is harder for me than an average sized pelvis, but as she pointed out, I still did it!

I still don't understand how people can just breathe and have a quiet peaceful birth. LOL I felt so crazy and out of control.

Now that it is over, I think of how glad I am that I did it this way. Yes, it hurt. I didn't rip or tear or anything. If I would have went to the hospital for a section, I would just be getting home today. Instead, I got to share this with important people in my life. I didn't disrupt my kids lives. Eliza is alert, and strong and beautiful. I forgot to add in here, that while I was having contractions, they would end and I would get the hiccups. Every time. Unless it was going to be a double peaking contraction, then another would start instead... I hated those!

**********

Now for a picture of Eliza...



Pie. Not the clearest, but I love the look... LOL



Anya.



Janai.



A better picture of Pie and Anya.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007 11:04 AM CDT

Well, it has been a while. Lots has happened.


I had my baby... she is well.


Here is her birth announcement.




She has gotten a lot bigger in the past few months. She is a very sweet baby.


Here is a recent picture of her and I.





I am still in school, doing well. Of course, I have little time for anything else. If you have an unresolved issue with me, please email me at kmaes01@baker.edu and I will resolve it as fast as I can.

After we moved in... things got really not good here. I am hopeful that things are looking up, but right now hasn't been getting much better.


My sister Keri got married in February... and found out she was pregnant just before I delivered Eliza. Last week at 25 weeks, she delivered my nephew Curtis Finian Collison "Fin". Stillborn. They believe that it was caused from listeria bacteria. A lot of people are unaware of the affects of listeria or where you can get it. She avoided a lot of things and did everything she could in her pregnancy to prevent it. Some things she didn't know was that you could get it from soft serve ice cream, and from pre-washed veggies.


It has been a tragic week in our family. Fin weighed 2lbs 6 oz and he was 14.5 inches long, and very sweet looking. Keri did really well in labor, we are all so very proud of and Christian. Had there been no infection, Keri and Christian grew a strong, big, good looking baby.


We are all very sad at this recent turn of events.


My kids are doing well. Anya started Kindergarten. She is really loving it and doing very well.


Pie has gotten so big... Janai too.

Thanks for reading...

K

Tuesday, January 2, 2007 2:54 PM CST

I just decided to update today.

My friend Tina's son Lance passed away last Friday. (md/lance) we met when we were in Baltimore two years ago... I can't believe that it has been that long. It seems like yesterday.

Brent Nason passed away today. (ms/brentnason) Please give them some support.

Kelly Muldoon is still hanging in there, her family could use the support too. (fl/kellymuldoon)

Our New Year was OK, a bit of hope that we can pull out of this hole we are in. Another month and I should be able to get things under control. Christmas was a bit rough, but we have some good friends that helped us out. As soon as I have some free time, I will take a picture of the present someone so kindly made Em and Anya. :)

School starts back on the 8th.

Pregnancy is going OK. I found out that Michigan is notorious for not allowing women to attempt a trial of labor after 2 caesarians... I would really like to avoid a surgical birth, but it may be unavoidable.

I promise to update again soon.

Monday, December 4, 2006 10:58 PM CST

Well, things seem to be looking up. I should knock on wood, every time I say that something else happens. It drives me mad. It is a two steps forward, one step back propisition. I need a nice strong upswing for the next few weeks.

The website is currently working again. :)

There was horrible computer spam in the guestbook. If you didn't see it, there is no reason why I should elaborate, just consider yourself lucky. CB added a feature that you have to type in a series of numbers before you post to the guestbook. I apologise for the inconvience. But it is worth it, believe me.

I have finals this week, and then I am done for a month. Soap orders are continuing to go out, but they will go out a lot faster after next week. This week, I am just trying to make sure I have all the soap I need, well mostly. :) Definitely need to get A's on my midterms. A's in my classes will help me get into the actual nursing program, much faster. :)

6 weeks ago, Anya lost her earring. It wasn't just any earring, it was an earring I bought Emerald for the birthday after she got sick. She never wore them. I gave them to Anya last year. She loves them. She lost the one earring and she kept wearing the one she had. I suddenly found the missing earring the other day... it was in a place that I have vacuumed at least 50 times since she lost it. Anya said, it was "Emerald's Angel Magic." I am starting to believe that. She definitely looks out for us.

Gosh, I miss her. Christmas. I want to be excited, but it is hard, when I see stuff that Emerald would love. Clothes that she would like and look cute in. I see other people's kids and am jealous. I want to say something about how it reminds me of Emerald... that is a good thing in my heart, but people get afraid when you compare their living healthy child to your sick, dead one. So I say nothing. I wish everyone could know her.

My new life, and the struggles that go along with it. Sigh.

Love,
Kimberly

Saturday, November 25, 2006 10:22 AM CST

Hi, just wanted to update.

If you have ordered soap from me and haven't received it yet, it will be going out within the next week. I sincerely apologise for the terrible delay. For the time being you cannot order soap through the site. This should be fixed by next week.

In the last few month, we have had some challenges. First we moved. We knew that was going to be rough on our finances but we were getting by. Things were starting to look up, when I got really sick. I mean really sick. I was laid up in bed for a month. I would post that I was feeling a little better and then BAM! I would be down for the count again. The week after I finally started getting better I started my prerequesites for nursing school. School was going fine, and then I found out that I was pregnant (due May 16th). School is hard when you are in your first trimester of pregnancy!

As if all that wasn't enough, when we moved the food program that I belong to for my daycare didn't give me the proper form to fill out when I moved, I had no idea that I was missing this form, in fact, it says on the last visit form, that the moving form was filled out and sent in. But because this form was missing, I was docked 2 months worth of reimbursement. And because it is our federal government, there is nothing I can do about it. We are still in the process of trying, we have a house rep helping us out, well his office is. So that happened and I finally gained another daycare child.

As soon as I got the new daycare kid, I recieved a visit from state licensing saying that because my kid takes off his pants (he is potty training) and touches himself, another child's mom felt her child was being molested in my care! Ended up that the allegations were unsubstantiated and the case was closed. Of course, I lost the daycare kids associated with that instance and the pay that goes with them. There is more to the story, but it wouldn't be right of me to vent about it, as it would be unprofessional. As much as it would make me happy to spill all the details, because I am so outraged by the entire thing.

After this was finally closed, I went in for an ultrasound because I am considered old for my age and at higher risk for having a child with Down Syndrome. The ultrasound was fine aside from the absent nasal bone which occurs in pregnancies high with chromosomal defects. (Have I had enough already?) So I went the following Monday (I was 13 weeks along) and had a CVS done. CVS is similar to an amnio, they took a needle and put it through my tummy and took a piece of the placenta where it adheres to the uterine wall.

The preliminary results came back last week and we found no evidence of trisomies 13, 18 or 21(DS). And we are having a girl, Emerald named Eliza. We need an I middle name. The final results should be back next week, but we expect that everything will be OK.

So that is my last couple months in a nutshell. I have been missing Emerald like crazy. I cry almost every day still. I totally understand parents who are just living until they die.. and at the same time, I want to live. It is so hard to feel guilty all the time for wanting to be in both places. It weighs on your mind.

I haven't taken many pictures lately, just trying to get things accomplished, but have a couple I can post at the end of this.

I also wanted to add that our friend Kelly, need your prayers/mojo/good thoughts, whatever you have to give. She has a spinal cord tumor also, and is Emerald's age. I hadn't been online in some time... she was doing well when I was there last. In fact, I was a tiny bit jealous of the extra time they have had together and when I checked in today, I found that things aren't so great. Kelly and her parents really need good messages, and happy thoughts. Kelly reminds me a lot of Emerald. Her website is here http://www2.caringbridge.org/fl/kellymuldoon

Please let them know you are thinking about them. Pie and Anya are doing well, our foster kid is doing well also! Shawn went back to work full time, so we don't see him much, but hopefully things will start looking up for our family.

I hope to post again soon. I have just been so depressed or busy the last few months. I think about things to say all the time.

Here are the kids on Halloween.

Pie the pirate





Anya (yes, this is the same costume from when she was 2, money was tight, luckily she didn't care!)



And Janai the chicken!



Happy holidays!

Love,
Kimberly

Monday, September 25, 2006 8:08 PM CDT

Not much to say today...

But wanted to write add this poem in. I have been very emotional these last few weeks. Probably has something to do with trying to move on... It is hard to want things to be happier... I don't want to leave her behind. I just miss her so much. She was my whole heart.

E.E. Cumming

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart)
i am never without it (anywhere i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet)
i want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

Kimberly

Wednesday, September 13, 2006 4:51 PM CDT

Gosh, I hope people haven't abandoned me. LOL I apologise for the long delay in posting... and just with everything. With moving things got behind hideously behind. And I was finally to where I was catching up and I have been sick, really sick for the last 8 days. I still don't feel quite right, but a bit better. I even went to the hospital on Sunday for IV fluids! Anya and Pie have been sick too, but luckily not as sick as me. Pie threw up last night so I know it is still hanging around...

I start school on Sept 29th. Let's just hope that I am successful in my endeavor. I have a habit of taking on too much, especially with school, and then not dropping my classes... because I am too overwhelmed to even do that.

I have taken NO photographs lately... not one. Things are still a bit in a disarray here, and now that I am feeling a bit better, should be better... I have the space in my basement to set up a studio type thing, but I haven't had any time to actually do anything...

If you have emailed in the last two weeks, I haven't even looked at my email this week yet. I will tomorrow. Tonight, I am just trying to get the stuff from before then, caught up.

Our backyard is filled with picker plants. We sprayed to kill them, took 2 hours to pick them all, and now once a week, we still have to pull them. Almost as many as we sprayed for in the first place. It is getting really frustrating. If we could farm them, we would be rich.

Anya and Pie are in dance class. Anya was thrilled to wear Emerald's leotard for her first class. Anya is a much better dancer (more graceful) than Emerald was... LOL If you have ever known Emerald as a 4 year old you would know what I am talking about, she would be sitting in a chair and then suddenly just fall out of it. LOL And trip. She had the same kind of grace as my sister Keri. LOL Keri once showed me how to walk in high heels (she is honestly a pro at platforms...) and tripped and fell, ripping her tights, and landing on a beer cap on her knee. Poor girl. She as a child was much like Emerald... LOL Anyway, this has nothing to do with anything... I miss Emerald. She would love this new house, all the kids, and showing Anya how to be a dancer... and big sister. :)

Well, I hope you are all doing well this week. And if things go well, I will be able to update in a couple days. I have more thoughtful thoughts, just not able to take the time to get them out today.


Love,
Kimberly

Tuesday, August 29, 2006 3:09 PM CDT

Guess what? I am alive. I will try to post later.

Couple of pictures I took, I don't think I posted them here!







Well, I will try to give an update later!

Love,
Kimberly

Saturday, July 15, 2006 8:41 AM CDT

I used to have this thing with Emerald. I would think to tell her something, but keep quiet, and then suddenly, she would ask, "Did you call me mom??" It happened often, it was a bit strange. I haven't thought about it much since she died. Just mostly that I miss her. But it never really happened with the other kids, until recently. Now, I notice that Pie and I must be connected the same way. He is such a good kid. When he gets into trouble, he gets so angry. So lately, I have been putting him into time out when he gets into trouble. He screams from the stool. But he stays on the stool. The kid will sit there forever, if I forget about him.

Yesterday, he was sitting on the stool, and I forgot about him. He was there about 15 minutes. I walked past him to get into the kitchen, and I thought to myself, "Pie, you can get up now." And within seconds he got down. And sometimes, I will think about calling him over for hugs or something and he will come running.

I haven't noticed this with Anya. Our connection is so different. She is SUCH a different personality than the other two. Which is odd to me, since she is the kid who remembers Emerald the most.

Anyway. I was just writing in someone's journal, how sometimes when I take a deep breath, I feel like I am almost to the point of where Emerald is. Of completion of that feeling. Like speaking with her, or touching her. It takes my breath away. We are connected by body, blood and by our minds.

I wonder if Emerald is able to think of us. I still wonder about it all. Where she is, how she came to be there. If there is something else at all. I know that people will write and say there is... but I don't have that faith, I know about it... you can't make someone have faith. It is MY wonderment. I do like to think that she is somewhere. That she is having a fun, that she might be able to remember me. But, I don't know for certain. There hasn't been any letters to let me know. Nothing tangible.

Anyway, life is OK here I guess. Money is a bit tight... that is an understatement. Still moving, waiting for my registration to come in, so I can complete the move. Thinking of going back to school for something completely different...nursing. I applied for financial aid, and for school. We will see how that goes.

Our new house has tons of kids in the neighborhood. I mean tons of them. I think with our family there, in a 4 house radius there are 11. Go down a bit further, and there are more! There is a sidewalk, and my kids are learning how all that works... Try explaining to Anya that just because the road doesn't end, doesn't mean, you can just keep riding your bike. She says, "But I wanted to meet the neighbors..." LOL We can't wait to finish the move.

I have been having a sale on soap too. Trying to get some of the stock I have gone, so I have less to move... LOL

Anyway, I hope you are having a good day, thanks for stopping by.

Love,
Kimberly, mom of a real live angel.

Sunday, July 2, 2006 11:36 AM CDT

Gosh, do I miss Emerald.

I just put the clothes in her closet in a tub, to save for Anya. It really sucks, because I wish that Emerald could have been the one to take them to the new house, and to give them to Anya when it was time to do that.

Some of the stuff she never had on her little body. It was bought for her the christmas before she got sick, her dad and their relatives would buy her stuff, so that when she was over there and had a special occasion, she could have some nice things to wear. And then there are her very worn, favorite things. I just realised that there are few things missing, like her cheerleader top, and the blue top that she really liked... I wonder where they are. They must be there somewhere. Hmmm... It is hard putting away all her favorite things. And then there is the stuff that is exclusively Emerald's. Like some of her toys. Stuff I want Anya not to ruin, but still it seems like a waste not to have the stuff being used. What on earth do I do with 11 years worth of stuff?? 11 years of stuff she earned or got as gifts from people who loved her?

I still wish this was all a bad dream. Today we are going to the parade by my parents house, 2 years ago, we met Rene's family up there, and it rained... hard, during the parade. And after that I took Emerald to get the stuff for her scrapbooking class. And then Keri did her hair red. And then we thought she had strep. I took her to the hospital, and it turned out to be thrush... poor kid.

I still feel like I am living a different life. Not my life. I am not "me" any more. I can't explain it.

Maybe I am the one that died, and this is my hell.

Saturday, June 24, 2006 2:23 PM CDT

Every once in a while I stop and think of all the things that are going on and I think of what Emerald might think or be doing.

Like today, the kids found her cd of music I made for her. Spice Girls, Violent Femmes and stuff she really liked. They were dancing in the living room. Just how Emerald used to dance to the same stuff.

I was thinking how it would be if Emerald was here. Her dancing with them too. And her laugh... the way she moved.

It just seems so pointless, but I can't help doing it. I wish so much that she was here.

When that happens I have fleeting thoughts of ideas on how I can bring her back, or keep what happened from happening, or what I am going to remember to tell her when I see her next.

Shawn is taking Emerald's bed down to take to the new place. It's rough. I miss her so much.

The trick is to keep breathing.

K.

Adding some pictures.

Anya


Pie


My foster baby... Janai


Me and Anya


Hollyhocks.

Friday, June 23, 2006 7:36 AM CDT

My soap cutter fell on my dogs foot. And now two of his toes are broken... again. This time, one of the bones is misaligned. So we have to go back and they will try to give him a general and then realign it.

Poor Blitzy.

This couldn't come at a worse time financially. And so far it has cost us a few hundred just last night. Luckily, I have had a few soap orders in recent days, so I have a bit to help with the cost. :(

Moving is hard, and now this.

And it was totally my own fault. :(

Thursday, June 22, 2006 8:17 PM CDT

I am sitting here eating a cherry tootsie pop. Emerald hated cherry flavored candy. She really liked strawberry. So we would trade, because I hated strawberry.

It also popped into my head today that I should have painted her toe nails. She always would complain how her toe nails wouldn't stay painted. I guess the surface was just too smooth, and it was hard for the polish to adhere to her nail. She would tell people how my toe nail polish never came off... she is right... it stays on a long time.

Sorting through Emerald's stuff. And putting stuff in for Pie, stuff for Anya. I did some last week with Keri, and I really haven't had the energy to do too much else. Hopefully, I can get to more this week. I would like to get the bed moved over there, no one sleeps on it here anyhow.

Let me tell you, before we decided to move, everything went perfectly, as soon as we decided to move, everything has gone wrong. I mean, not just I didn't plan adequately enough for something, I mean.. I didn't even see it coming wrong. So I have been trying to do damage control on all that. I want to cry.

My dad's cousin, Linda was in a car accident, and days later collapsed while out. From what my mom said, she has a torn aorta, and is on life support right now. They are saying that it doesn't look too good. I really feel for her daughters. They are my age, and their dad has passed away a few years ago, and last year, both their grandma and their grandpa, and now this. Just terrible. Please keep the family in your prayers.

Not sure what else to say tonight. Not much of an update, LOL. But I wanted to give you the latest news.

Have a good night.

Kimberly

Monday, June 12, 2006 7:55 PM CDT

We are in the middle of moving stuff. What a pain, really.. what a pain. My back is seriously killing me.

Going to have to pack up Emerald's room. The end of her having her own room. It makes me sad. Putting her clothing into boxes to wait for Anya makes me sad. The smell of Emerald in her clothes, and remembering her wearing them, that makes me sad, but makes me happy too. All her toys and just her essence in the room. I cry on and off trying to think of how I am going to get through it.

In the car today, I had Pie and we went to the store. I was thinking of how my life has changed, and now I have his hand to hold and his and Anya's hugs and kisses to get by with. It is enough. It has to be. I just miss her so much. Still my life with Emerald was longer than what I have had with the other two. The kids miss her too. They say it often.

I am sad moving from this place that Emerald lived with us. At the same time, I was thinking today, about Christian and his dad.

His dad, Curt, died before Emerald got sick. He also had a brain tumor, a very agresssive Glioblastoma. He was a good man. Christian has mentioned that he has had dreams of his dad, and he doesn't live with his dad, the dreams didn't happen at his dad's house, they happened where ever Christian was living. Therefore, I can leave this place knowing that Curt visited Christian in his dreams. It didn't matter if Christian wasn't living in his parents house. What matters is that Curt lives in Christian's heart.

Emerald doesn't live here at the house. She and I are connected by flesh and love. Even if I move, she will be living in my heart and through our memories of her. I tell her story daily to someone. You never know who you will run into. I was paying my cable bill and I met a woman who was processing my payment and she said that her daughter died in April. And I got to tell her the stories of Emerald and how brave she was. How my 10 year old, TOLD me that she wanted me to be happy, with or without her. And that because of that experience, I know, that her daughter would want the same for her. She was quiet for a moment and said, "Do you really think so?" Yes, I do. If my 10 year old could put that together and give me a list of the things that I should be doing to be successful WITHOUT her, then her adult daughter would DEFINITELY want the same for her. I hope she believes that, because I believe it to be true.

My 10 year old gave all of us who lost a child, a gift. She can speak for those that didn't get to hear those words. Our children, want us to be happy, as much as we wanted that for them.

Remember them, love them, and say their names. They live through us... and she is here with me, every day.

Have a great week.

Kimberly

Here is a picture of Pie with his shaved head!! If you look really close at his eyes, you can see that they are starting to be multicolored just like Emeralds! You have to look closely to see it. ;)

(he has a scratch under his nose!)



Oh and a close up of a Peony.

Monday, June 12, 2006 7:55 PM CDT

We are in the middle of moving stuff. What a pain, really.. what a pain. My back is seriously killing me.

Going to have to pack up Emerald's room. The end of her having her own room. It makes me sad. Putting her clothing into boxes to wait for Anya makes me sad. The smell of Emerald in her clothes, and remembering her wearing them, that makes me sad, but makes me happy too. All her toys and just her essence in the room. I cry on and off trying to think of how I am going to get through it.

In the car today, I had Pie and we went to the store. I was thinking of how my life has changed, and now I have his hand to hold and his and Anya's hugs and kisses to get by with. It is enough. It has to be. I just miss her so much. Still my life with Emerald was longer than what I have had with the other two. The kids miss her too. They say it often.

I am sad moving from this place that Emerald lived with us. At the same time, I was thinking today, about Christian and his dad.

His dad, Curt, died before Emerald got sick. He also had a brain tumor, a very agresssive Glioblastoma. He was a good man. Christian has mentioned that he has had dreams of his dad, and he doesn't live with his dad, the dreams didn't happen at his dad's house, they happened where ever Christian was living. Therefore, I can leave this place knowing that Curt visited Christian in his dreams. It didn't matter if Christian wasn't living in his parents house. What matters is that Curt lives in Christian's heart.

Emerald doesn't live here at the house. She and I are connected by flesh and love. Even if I move, she will be living in my heart and through our memories of her. I tell her story daily to someone. You never know who you will run into. I was paying my cable bill and I met a woman who was processing my payment and she said that her daughter died in April. And I got to tell her the stories of Emerald and how brave she was. How my 10 year old, TOLD me that she wanted me to be happy, with or without her. And that because of that experience, I know, that her daughter would want the same for her. She was quiet for a moment and said, "Do you really think so?" Yes, I do. If my 10 year old could put that together and give me a list of the things that I should be doing to be successful WITHOUT her, then her adult daughter would DEFINITELY want the same for her. I hope she believes that, because I believe it to be true.

My 10 year old gave all of us who lost a child, a gift. She can speak for those that didn't get to hear those words. Our children, want us to be happy, as much as we wanted that for them.

Remember them, love them, and say their names. They live through us... and she is here with me, every day.

Have a great week.

Kimberly

Here is a picture of Pie with his shaved head!!

(he has a scratch under his nose!)



Oh and a close up of a Peony.

Sunday, June 4, 2006 4:09 PM CDT

Well, we are moving to a new house. This one just isn't big enough for us. The new one has a basement, a garage, a decent size lot, and all our stuff will fit.

I am really anxious about moving, we have to pack up all of Emerald's things. Some will go to Pie, some will go to Anya and some will go away until Anya or Pie are ready for them. It will be OK, the worst thing has already happened, so this is just an extension of that. Moving forces me to do it. I probably would have put it off for another year or longer if I could.

I took some pictures... I bought myself a new point and shoot for my birthday... don't get me wrong, I LOVE my 20D, but sometimes, I want something that will fit easily into my bag when we go somewhere, I wouldn't want it to get stolen. The camera I got was the Nikon Coolpix S6. It is tiny. The LCD is huge, and it has almost as many mp as my rebel had (It is has 6) I really like it. I still like the other one better, though... ;) Now, just to keep my kids grimmey little hands off of it... as they broke my old one. :(

Anya had her last day of head start, she still has speech, until this week.

Here is her last day, she got a certificate..





And here are just some random pictures..

Me and Pie.



Doesn't she seem like the happiest kid??



Some flowers..
Poppy.



This is a single peony, it was folder in with dew on it.. from the night before.



The poppy again, close up.



And Pie. He was laughing his 'evil' laugh, "Heh, heh, Hhheeh!"



I shaved his head after this... he looks adorable, maybe a bit militant, but nothing wrong with that! LOL

Thanks for looking.

Kimberly

Sunday, May 21, 2006 7:21 AM CDT

Today 36 years ago, I was born. But not before almost dying first. My placenta was born before me. Back then, they didn't check with ultrasound, and do a c-section. They just let things go, until they weren't. By some chance I lived. Other babies weren't so lucky.

It would make one think that maybe I am supposed to be here for some reason. I know how my mom would have felt if she would have lost me. I am glad that didn't happen to her. But why am I here? Was it because I was supposed to have Emerald. So I could give her up? There has to be more purpose than that. Emerald's story has touched lives. People have made changes in their lives because of her quirky little attitude, and great smile, and her strength and her love. But still... she is gone, and my heart will ache for my lifetime because of that. Seems... unfair. Not to mention to Emerald because her life was cut short. I just can't believe that god would sacrifice my child to help other people.... so maybe all these things happened and it was just chance. I don't know.

I always get agitated and cry on my birthday. I don't know why. It isn't because I am getting older. I remember when I was 8 my mom had me clean the bathroom upstairs (I think it was a ploy so she could get my presents put out and surprise me.) As I was upstairs thinking how crappy it was that I had to clean the bathroom on my birthday, I just sat their crying. Obviously my eyes were all red from crying when I went downstairs. I have no idea if my mom remembers this, but I remember one thing out of the presents I got that year. It was a perfume that came in a lipstick tube kind of thing. Actually, I got two different kinds. I only remember the one kind. It was Jasmine.

Funny, how I can think back that long ago, and it feels like yesterday. I can even remember the details of the bathroom and my parents haven't lived there since I was about 13.

Anyway, I have no idea what this post was about. I just feel so depressed today. Yes, I know it is my birthday. I should do something to celebrate. I really just feel like I don't deserve anything. I guess, I feel like that every year, but this year probably is just a bit worse so far. Probably my changing hormones from going from being pregnant to suddenly not being pregnant. I don't know.

I will try to have a nice day. Please do the same.

Kimberly

Saturday, May 13, 2006 10:06 AM CDT

I. Miss. Her. So. Much.

My hormones are all out of wack. I don't know whether I am coming or going today. My mind isn't in a comfortable place. Yesterday, I had to go to the hospital for my d&c. And the smell of the hospital, and the little stickers that they stick on you to moniter you, just all the little things you pay little attention to when you go in for surgery, all made me so darned unhappy. Everything just reminded me of Emerald.

Mother's Day number two without her. I can't believe it.

The other day, I asked to be allowed to dream of Emma. To hold her hand and kiss her cheek again. Well that night, I had a dream that Emerald came back. She was still sick, but she was here with us again. I got to hold her hand and kiss her cheek. I remember I even was trying to explain to someone that I didn't know how long we had, because she had died in March of 2005. And it was a miracle that she was even with us right then. And then I remember looking for a foam wedge type thing, to make her more comfortable on the couch. And then I woke up.

I think it is a common misconception that over time it gets better. I don't miss her any less. I really honestly don't. It doesn't hurt any less. I ache for her every day of my life. She was my whole world, all packaged up into a sweet face, a quirky sense of humor and a wonderful laugh. It feels like yesterday. It really honestly does. I don't cry as often, only because I am now used to that feeling of discovery when I realise that she isn't here anymore. I don't mention her as often, but I still do a lot, but try to avoid it because I think people must be getting tired of hearing how much I miss her, and what a great kid she was. But she was. And I do. I can't even imagine that life will go on with no Emerald in it. I feel a great sense of injustice. Nature has done her wrong. It has done me wrong. Of course, that is how nature is. There is nothing I can do about it.

So when I found out that my baby's heart had stopped... I felt more of that feeling. But again, nothing I can do about it. It is out of my control. I am not going to let it get me down so much. But at the same time, it has stirred up my sadness and anger about Emerald. People just seem so outraged about this happening to my family. But I just feel defeated.

Anyway, the kids are doing well. Anya has named the baby departed "Lisa". I guess she wanted a name to go with her vision.

Not sure if I am excited to eventually move on to where I understand what is all going on and what it all means... or if I am excited to get there, so I can kick whoever is responsible for all this heartache. I have a feeling that whatever is responsible for one, also has a hand in the joy. It would be hard to be angry at nature who both gave me and took Es away. But I guess it is the happy and sad thing I was talking about before. You don't have to only be feeling one or the other. And I guess, I can be angry and grateful at the same time too.

Life. Continues. And so will I.





Update, my brother in law called. I guess my sister in law, is pregnant with their first baby. Congratulations Chad and Elyse.



Another update: Another caringbridge child has passed away. Emma Blom. She was quite a fighter.

a Emma Blom's Webpage.

Please visit and let her parents know that people care. Thanks.

Tuesday, May 9, 2006 7:09 PM CDT

Well, sad news today. I went in for an ultrasound and the baby's heart apprears to have stopped a couple days ago.

Anyway, I am doing OK, will have surgery on Friday. I know that everyone I have told is just really sad for me. I am sad too. Probably more mad. I have to start all over. And you know... I have had my share already... but after losing Emerald, this is just not as bad. In fact, I am not even upset. Just a little sad.

Janai is doing well, Anya, Pie and Tristan are doing well. And I hope everyone has a wonderful Mother's Day.

I had more to say, but it totally escapes me right now!

Kimberly

Thursday, April 27, 2006 7:13 PM CDT

I spent the first 23 years of my life free of children. I could (within my parents wishes) come and go when and where I wanted. Then for 8 years, I spent with a kid that changed my life forever.

I am no longer responsible for her. She is free, from this world, free from me. BOY do I wish for that responsiblity again.

Now that she is gone, I will never be at peace with her gone. My life is so different now. Still kind of the same, but so very different. Over a year later and I can't believe that this happened to us! I just miss her company, specifically her. I miss the way that she was. I will be chasing some of those feelings in my heart forever. It is like being addicted to a drug I think. You CAN'T get that back. I can close my eyes and remember her, and I get that feeling in my stomach like butterflies. Like Love.

A year goes by and then she would have been a year older too. It still hurts very much. Yes, I deal with it well. I deal with those feelings of missing her well. I push them away, so it doesn't affect the kids. But oddly, the kids are affected regardless.

The other day, I was showing Emerald's slide show to my friend April. She had seen it from afar at the funeral but didn't take the time to look when we were there. Anyway, Anya came over to the computer and she was watching too. She turned around with a tear in her eye. And then she turned back toward the screen. Then she turned around with her lip quivering and her eyes filled with tears, and she said, "I just miss Emma so much!" She reached for me and we both just started bawling. April was crying too. It was just so sad.



Now, on another note, I am faced with horrible morning sickness. Those of you who have hoped or wished or prayed for me to have it easy, need to do it a bit harder! I am so tired most of the time, that I can't keep my eyes open without them watering all day! How I wonder, can a baby the size of a lentil, suck so much out of a person?? That is my question.

Emerald chose names for the baby before she died. I have told half the internet so I will just tell everyone now... LOL I suck at surprises! She chose Eliza for a girl, and Eitan for a boy. At first I thought she meant Ethan, but then I remembered she meant it to be after a Bratz doll. So if we have a boy, remember that it is named after a Bratz doll! And the middle name we will choose later on, and it will be *I* after Em initials.

Our newest little charge is doing well. Her mom is doing OK too. She will be here for the next 6 weeks, and then her mom will take her back. (As long as all goes well.) She is 9 mos old and crawls and cruises furniture. She is a good baby. She has the same type of temperment that Emerald had. Very easy going.

Pie is completely potty trained! He is doing so well with it, and I am proud of him! He can really articulate what he wants to say too. It is interesting, because you can have a conversation with him now.

Well, that is about it for today. I hope you all have a great day!

Kimberly

Tuesday, April 18, 2006 9:11 PM CDT

Lots have been going on here.

A friend of mine checked herself into rehab and I have been watching her child for her. She is 9 months old and very sweet and cute. Please pray that this mom can get her life together, so she can be a good mom to her little girl!

And I found out that we are expecting. :) Due in December around Pie's birthday. :)

I just wanted to quick update with that. More details soon!

Have a great night!

Saturday, March 25, 2006 8:19 PM CST

My neighbor died. Toney was his name. He was the nicest guy in our neighborhood. The guy that always smiled at everyone when they were driving by. Even if you drove by twice, he would still wave. I am going to miss him.

We went to a benefit that their family was having at the club house here by our house. And I saw his wife. I feel terrible for her and their 3 kids. She gave me a hug and said that I must know what it's like, only a bit different because mine was my daughter.

She kept Emerald one night for me when she was Anya's age. Sigh. Life just keeps going by and good people are missed. The people that add the sparkle to life. Surely there are still sparkley people left. But these people that I know that have died, have all been people who made my day brighter. How selfish of me to say that, maybe. It isn't all about me... or is it? My journey is my journey. I can only be what I am. Perhaps some people think that I brighten their day. It all comes full circle eventually, I think.

Anyway, that probably made no sense. I am just rambling.

Anya's birthday was last thursday. March 23rd. She is now 4. She can write words! It is amazing to me. She is a wonder, that's for sure.

Emerald's birthday is on Monday. 12 years since the first day I got to be her mom. Shouldn't moms get something for their children's birthdays?? After all. I did all the work. She just kept having birthday after birthday without any effort at all! I miss her parties. She always had the best parties. She would have them planned out a year in advance, since she was Anya's age. Anya doesn't care so much. But Emerald would have a blast, I bet, planning her parties. I can almost hear her talking to Anya about it. It makes me smile and want to cry at the same time.

Gosh I miss that kid.

My friend Ashley had a baby!!! He is adorable! And healthy!
Congratulations to Ashley and Dave. Now her family and my family are composed the same way. Our eldest daughter in heaven, and a second daughter and son here with us. :)

Well, I think that is about it for me today.

Here is a picture Emerald drew for me. I don't remember if I posted it.



Emerald the brownie. She sold the most cookies in her troop this year, thanks to her Dad and Shawn!!



Gosh she was so cute.



This just about says it all...



Anya insisted that I take a picture of us together... so here it is..



These are Anya's

This is a self portrait. She was using my old camera. It has a delay when you press on the button. Watching her run and turn around was funny. Sometimes it didn't work...



And her picture of Pie. LOL



Have a great night.

Kimberly

Tuesday, March 21, 2006 8:06 PM CST

Well, finally. Finally, I did more than just think about posting.

The last month has been crazy. Everyone has been sick.

Anya threw up at least once every week for 3 weeks. I was certain that she was going to need an MRI. No other symptoms after the first week. (When she had an ear infection, complete with fever... ) I had a long talk with another BT mom, and she understood my angst. But she didn't throw up again. Plus, I got sick. On Friday, I started off not feeling well, and then got a fever. I missed Anya's bus because I was in the bathroom and had to drive with 4 kids to the school to pick her up. I felt so sick.

Shawn came home from work early to watch the daycare kids (and our kids) until their parents came to pick them up. I don't even remember the rest of Friday. Saturday, I could sit up, and finally on Sunday, I felt good. What a horrible, horrible illness that was. On Friday, I was having dreams that I was going to die. That I only had to find (XX) amount of numbers (I had 6 to go) before I died. It was crazy!

On March 12th, we went to Emerald's 3-4th grade school, and put a balloon, and an angel and a green ribbon around the tree they planted for her. I have pictures. I miss her like crazy. More about Em later.

I haven't taken many pictures lately. Just kind of trying to get by. Still having trouble getting daycare kids. I have a couple, but it would be a lot better if I could get two more to come. With how many providers there are in our area, I am not even getting calls asking about my care. Which is nuts. In the last 7 years since I started doing home daycare, I have never, EVER been this slow. I have some friends that keep buying my soap to keep me going, and gives us a bit to live on. But, I would rather put that money into the business, you know? Anyway.

Before Emerald got sick. I thought my life was great. Sure, I had a c-section I wasn't expecting to have, but I had a great 9 year old. I had a lively 2 year old, and a brand new baby! Life was as perfect as it could be in that moment. Plenty of work. Lots of fun. And laughs and giggles and snuggles.

Then she got sick. It has been a slow down hill battle with life ever since. My kids health, my sanity, our finances. Just down hill. In the past, I have always just operated on the assumption that things would work out and be great. After all, it has always in the past. Then Emerald got sick and died, and frankly, it may be what is holding me back. I feel like things a. Can't be better ever, now that Em is gone, and b. It shook my faith in myself. I am still working very hard on that.

Remember my friends, the ones from my soap bulletin board who came here (6 hours away) and finished Emerald's room for us?? Well, if you are interested in checking out this site... you will see the husband of my friend who also came to our house! You can see his stuff here! He juggles!! Really cool stuff, AND he has a big heart, and helped design and put together Emerald's room. His wife, Lisa, is a great soaper too! And she was instrumental in making sure that we got by the months after we found out that Emerald was close to dying and after she died. I love her & her patchouli soap!!

I have some other friends that have gone out of their way to help me this last couple weeks. Thanks to the KISSers. (They know who they are!) I can't begin to thank them enough.

And everyone, everyone who sent a card, or flowers, or kind words. Thank you. I may not have much money, but I am the richest woman alive, because I have so many people who care about us!

I won't go too far between updates again. I have a lot to journal about. :)

Here are Anya and Pie sleeping! (They look so sweet this way!)



Anya with her puke bucket. She learned how to keep it clean from her big sister. Not a drop anywhere but in the bucket!


Anya from March 12th, at Em's school.










Pie just being silly. I forgot to mention that Pie is almost completely potty trained! Good job Pie! He just can't hold it at night. And for a while he was just naked all the time. Now he wears underwear and takes them on and off to go, but before, he would only go in the potty if naked. He is so funny.. I will say, "Good Job!" And he says, "Yes!" Like a guy.


I think that is enough for today.

Thanks for checking on me. More soon.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006 7:01 PM CST

This time last year, we found out that Emerald wasn't going to make it... the time when I could start to count how many times I got to talk with her and hold her hand before she was gone.

I still can't believe it. It seems like yesterday, that I could kiss her cheeks, and her forehead, and those sweet lips. Just yesterday that I would help her to get up, and I can feel the way her skin felt under her arms, while I was helping her. And the way she smelled, and her laugh and her quirky sense of humor. How she would start giggling and couldn't talk.

I still can't believe that I have to live the rest of my life without her. It seems so impossible. Those first days were torture, and then it became a week, and soon it will be a year, and I am still here.

My therapist brought up a point the other day, she said that if Emerald had lived, we would have had trouble separating. Because I talk about her like she was my pal. She was my pal. I took a lot of care to make sure that she knew she could tell me anything. That she was never afraid to say she loved me, and that no matter what she did wrong, I would love her anyway, with no conditions. Just when she started to want to go to her friends house and started sleeping by herself sometimes, she got sick. Then she became very attached, and we got even closer. She had gotten to the point of being embarrassed by kissing her mom, like other kids her age do (even though, they still snuggle and kiss their moms, and that is OK!!!) and was getting all A's in school, and wanting to involved in a world where I wasn't. And then she got sick. That changed everything.

I have always taken great care to make sure that I was doing the best for my kids and myself. Perhaps I over analyse the situations too much and worry a lot. I spent a lot of time while she was 5 & 6 trying to explain that if you have 3 groups of 6. You can easily figure out that it make 18 things total. So multiplication would come more easily to her. I saw that she was having trouble. And it worked. When she got sick, my tasks became trying to figure out and anticipate how she would want to deal with end of life things, without scaring her, or making her feel uncomfortable. After all dying is as natural as living... and even if we die early. We all still die.

I spend a lot of time, thinking of how I behave around my other kids. I don't say that I miss Emerald too much, because if I do, they might resent Emerald. Or think I love her more. And that just isn't true. I want them to remember their sister. Even though they probably won't remember her in a tangible way. They can hear the stories and think that they remember her, they will be part of them. The stories of how she got to hold them both when they were first born. How she got to be there, and how much she loved them, and wanted to help me name them, and feed them, and love them. They will know.

Lions are made of the lambs that they eat. We all become part of the people we come in contact with. Good, bad and ugly and beautiful. We take these things that people say and do, and we make them part of ourselves. We are shaped by all these things. Something so tiny can eventually create a small enough change that it becomes an event in our lives that is completely life altering.

I can't help but imagine how Emerald would have changed this year. How she would have handled Jr. High. If she would have gotten that first kiss she hoped for.

I can't help but wonder about the universe, and how it all plays together. I feel this anticipation of truth, someday I will know where Emerald and how it all works. It may only come for but a second, but I will understand.

I hope your night is filled with sweet dreams.

Kimberly

Monday, February 13, 2006 7:53 PM CST

Last night the kids and I were watching a movie, it was about a dog, who was once a human. They showed an accident, and then the puppy being born, and he remembered his family, and all this business. Being reincarnated.

Anyway. Half way through the movie, Anya starts rubbing her eyes, and when I touch her face, she has tears. I said, "Anya, what is the matter??" And she said, "This 'minds me of Emma. I miss Emma A LOT. I love her A LOT." I held her tight and a few minutes later she was asleep.

This the first time since Emerald first died, that she has even seemed like this. The night she died, she kicked and screamed that she "wanted Emma back!" but really nothing where she was crying and upset since then. I was really surprised.

Oddly, just yesterday afternoon, I was reading the bereavement newsletter that I get and was thinking of how well the kids have been. And how Emerald's death hadn't affected them adversely. I would still say, it hasn't been adversely, but I really felt like we connected in that moment. She obviously misses Emerald as much as I do.

Pie is doing well. Less than 6 hours of being home, Anya had a brilliant idea to pour water on the laminant floor and make and indoor slip and slide. Pie fell, and busted his lip wide open. I should have taken him for stitches. We did on Saturday, but it was too late by then to get it stitched up. The doctor on call made this abundantly clear.

They changed my antidepressant, to something that should give me a bit more energy. We'll see.

:0)

I hope you are all well this evening.

Kimberly

Friday, February 10, 2006 4:52 PM CST

Hi everyone.

I just wanted to give a quick update.

Last night Pie got admitted to the hospital. My sister brought medicine in a zip lock bag and put it up where I keep the medication. I should have put it in the child proof bottle, but was distracted. Later on, Tristan brought me an empty bottle, and I realised that I hadn't put it in the bottle. In a matter of seconds Pie climbed up, took the medicine in the baggie (it can look like candy) and ate it.

I called poison control, and they said to bring him to the ER immediately, because he could have gone into a coma, and they would need to breathe for him. (The medicine was clonidine, a heart medication.) Anyway. They kept him overnight, and gave him activated charcoal. He was released this afternoon. He is totally fine. Never was a problem.

But, I write this today, as a warning. Please keep your medicines in a locked cabinet. As quickly as this happened and we were on top of it, if I hadn't noticed right away, I could be telling a very different story today, had I not noticed, he could have laid down and I would have thought he had just fallen asleep.

Luckily for us, we noticed right away.

I was hysterically, lip quivering upset last night. But today all is well, and I feel lucky that Pie must a wonderful angel watching over him. (We all know he does, right?)

My soap site is back up and aside from this, everyone is feeling well.

A picture for the "groupies!"

Anya.


Shawn, Emerald, Anya and Me. Before Pie!

Saturday, February 4, 2006 4:15 PM CST

Two years ago today, Emerald had her first surgery. Today, 2006, Anya donated her hair to Locks of Love in memory of Emerald. My sister Keri cut it, this was done at London Calling Salon Keri is currently taking clients, so if you interested check them out!

Anya so wanted to do it.

And I took pictures. Photo story! ;)

Just starting.


Getting a wash.


















:)

She is so proud. She kept telling people that she was donating her hair to kids like Emerald with cancer!

Kimberly

Thursday, February 2, 2006 12:06 AM CST

It has been an exciting couple of weeks. (Add eye rolling emoticon here.)

About 2 weeks ago, my doctor prescribed me an antidepressant, and since I started taking it, I have been suffering the side effects of the drug. I am just now starting to feel a little better.

During that time, I have barely been online. My domain (edgeofthetub.com) is offline, because the current registarer has it on hold, and won't transfer it to the new (cheaper) place. I have no idea why. I tried calling and they aren't ever available. The cost is considerably more, by about $30. So I am trying to get this taken care of as quickly as possible. So bare with me on that.

Shawn has shingles. He is doing OK.

Anya hit her eye and had a big black eye for about a week. It was gruesome looking. I am only glad she did not cut it open. The week before she hit her eye, I noticed that she was smelly. Kind of like snot, only a little worse, I just thought she was getting some kind of cold, and had that thick snot stuck up in her head. Only it didn't go away. After two weeks, the smell had gotten so bad, that it smelled like rotting flesh and snot. She kept getting bloody noses. Well, I decided I was going to figure out where it was coming from, because she obviously had an infection. Turns out, that she had stuffed a "paper fan" up her nose. It was all the way up her nose into her sinus cavity and I saw a smally piece up by her eye (inside her nose, obviously) I pulled it out and boy did it stink. She ended up in the ER, due to the fact that it was paper, and they wanted to make certain it wasn't stuck up there further, and we were missing anything. Plus, she had what seemed like an infection from it being up there so long. Anyway. She is doing fine, after a round of antibiotics.

Kids.

Emerald's diagnosis date was January 30th. It is rough reliving all these anniversaries. 2 years since this nightmare began. And a year since we have been home from Baltimore. Sigh.

So that is pretty much it for now. I just wanted to check in and let you all know where I have been. I just haven't felt like being online, but I hope that in the next week or so, I will feel better.

Kimberly

Sunday, January 15, 2006 5:39 PM CST

Hey everyone!

Figured I should update on my back problem. It feels better. The doctor wouldn't do anything for me aside from fix the problem I signed up for. So all the little things I needed looking at needed to be done at the next appointment. So this Wednesday, they are going to look at my depression, and asthma, and I am going to get a referal to a chiropractor, because I need my back adjusted. It hasn't been right since I had Pie and Emerald got sick and then gained all that weight from the steroids. Obviously losing weight really helped a lot, but I need to get rid of more still. And my back I think would be helped if it was straight! LOL I haven't had any of the problems with my neck and arm in a couple days, so maybe it worked itself out. I know while on our cruise, my left arm went completely numb for about 8 hours. I don't know if it was the rapid change in climate or what! But I had suddenly got all swelled up, with what seemed like water retention, I mean, my fingers were so swelled I couldn't get my ring off, so maybe that had something to do with it, or maybe this all is the same problem, and I am just in denial.

Every day lately, for about the last month, I just have been feeling so... I don't know... disappointed, and I keep having these weird almost flashbacks to last year. Like I will be doing something and I feel like I am there, and my heart will start racing. Sometimes, something triggers it, and I can tell what it is, and sometimes, it is something and I can't figure it out... maybe a song or something that I can't really hear, but it is playing in the background. Or the way the light in the room is that day, and what those days mean to me.

You know when you are in the middle of the cold winter, and you are aching for the spring. That is what I feel like. Like seeing Emerald again will be like feeling that warm sun on my face. How it sinks in and is part of every ounce of my being. She is still here with me. I can feel it. Just like in the winter how you know the warmth will come. And you will feel complete like a full circle of life. I know that day will come for me. There are still things in every day that are worth while... I find them. But some day, the warmth will be through all of me, and I will feel complete.

I just know it.


Need an Emerald fix??

This is me with Emerald, when Emerald was turning 4. This is the Barbie bike I bought for her.



She was so excited. The first time she rode it, she had on a helmet, and knee pads, AND elbow pads, AND little fingerless gloves, along with her training wheels! Good thing, because she fell like 10 times! :)

We still have that bike.

Have a good day.

Kimberly

Monday, January 9, 2006 9:37 AM CST

Just checking in. I have a little more time these days to write. And to take some pictures. I am hoping if I work on this for another few months, I will feel confident enough to take pictures for some other people.

As it stands right now, I just don't have that.

Anya and Pie keep collecting change for me. I mentioned that I wanted to move to a new house, and we needed to save our pennies. There must be a pot of gold hidden in the house somewhere because they keep bringing me more pennies every day!

Things are OK. Life is just keeping on.

Anya was getting on the bus this morning and I was thinking how just a few years ago, it seemed like I was just getting used to saying her name. Anya was what what me and Emerald wanted to call "the baby". Now she is her name. And she seems so much older, hopping on the bus every day.

I woke up with a sore neck. I can't turn my head to right without it really hurting. I have an appointment on Wednesday and hopefully they can get this all patched up. It is affecting my right arm, and my lower back on that side and my leg on the right. Maybe it is just sympathy pains... from Emerald's surgery last year... You know, your mind is amazing, and it wouldn't surprise me.

And congratulations to my sister Keri, who is almost a WHOLE YEAR OF NOT SMOKING. At the end of this month she quit. I am really proud of her, and I know that Emerald is also!

Here are a few pictures...

It was Keri's boyfriends birthday... here is his "Let them eat cake" photo.


Here are the kids eating said cake...


Yummy!


Pie looking grumpy...


Emerald, when she was Anya's age.


Emerald and Tristan


Thanks for visiting and your support.

Kimberly

Thursday, January 5, 2006 6:54 AM CST

Thinking of Last year, it seems like yesterday. Today was the last time Emerald went swimming. I drove all over trying to find her a new collar so she could get hers wet. She loved swimming so much. We actually sat in the hot tub more. It was so nice and warm.

And we met Ashley, her dh and her daughter, they took us out to eat, after driving us all over tarnation... LOL

All these events just run through my mind. Stupid things. Not even anything super significant. Just things that made my life happy.

Me, Keri and Emerald would laugh and laugh and laugh... until our bellies hurt. I will always remember that trip fondly.

Here is Emerald from that trip.









I took a couple pictures the other night...







Thanks,
Kimberly

Tuesday, January 3, 2006 3:23 PM CST

The world just keeps keeping on! I really wanted it to kind of stop... but alas... it is still going, taking me along with it!

This time last year, we were fixing to go to Baltimore. It was pretty exciting... getting our chance at hope. Thinking about it now, I still can pull that same feeling. It is amazing how you can still feel things like they just happened yesterday.

I was talking to a lady at the salvation army yesterday, she said she lost her son in 1989 in a car accident. Her other little boy was 10 and she said he kept her alive. My kids keep me alive, remembering how Emerald wanted me to take care of Anya and Ian keep me going. I don't have to choose between being with her and being with them, because she made it clear that I needed to stay with them. My brain, of course, knows this, but my heart wants to be with her. Not dead... just with Emma. Thank goodness I don't have to choose! It is a relief, and you know what? It is what I would have picked for her, too! I wouldn't want to be selfish, and keep her for myself, when she could be here making a difference to someone!

Anyway... I am doing ok, everyone seems ok, the holidays were fine.

I would like to ask prayers for Brent Nason. He is a caringbridge kid, he has neuroblastoma and it has relasped and he is the same age as Em was.

His site is HERE!
Please visit him and his mom.

Sorry to all those that I didn't get back to via email. It is a constant thing for me. My brain is just preoccupied. Someday, maybe my head will let in the other things I want to remember also.

Here are a couple pictures of Tristan I took before Christmas.







And a picture of our tree... well part of it!



And a couple of Em, because I know you like them..





Lots of Love,
Kimberly

Friday, December 30, 2005 3:36 PM CST

Because our minds are so limited to what we actually experience or to what we learn and "experience" through books and tv. I have found it is hard to express myself when it comes to losing Emerald.

When she died, it didn't simply start a long distance relationhip. She isn't necessarily somewhere else, and she can't necessarily hear everything I say.

If I look at my expectations of last year. I can say that I was really surprised and disappointed when they told us in February that she wasn't going to make it much longer. I thought we had more time. We all did. The surgery itself by all intents and purposes was successful, we were extremely hopeful that things would be looking up for us.

So when I look at my expectation for the next year, and my life, I have a different outlook now. I just try to deal with what comes my way. Learning to deal with things that aren't planned and go against your current way of thinking is a gift, a gift that is a good one to have.

The worst thing that could ever happen to a parent happened. It happened to me. I put my hand near her mouth like I did when she was a tiny baby... and kept feeling for her breaths. But unlike when she was a baby, I was waiting for them to stop, not expecting them to keep going. I think of that moment often. 10:08 pm.

Somehow, I am still here. I don't know what to believe still. I think sometimes she is here with me. I think I see something... I think that she helps me along. I just can't say for sure. Some people might think that is a bad thing, but I read a quote the other day that I thought was really nice.

Question with boldness even the existence of a God; because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason, than that of blind-folded fear. -Thomas Jefferson

Anyway, I am just rambling again.

I miss Emerald with all my being. I wish that it was her hand in mine and we were going into 2006 together. But, it isn't. Last year, we had such hope. This year, my expectations are that I just get through it, and that there are as many smiles as there are tears.

I think we can handle that.

Kimberly

Wednesday, December 28, 2005 0:10 AM CST

Well, the holiday went ok for me.

I survived, without Emerald here. I did indeed cry a few times, I woke up crying more than I didn't. My heart is heavy, and yet, each day, I keep going.

I find times when I am so happy for the things I have. And other times, for the things that used to be. And sometimes, I long for both the past and wanting to live in the future without the heaviness of the past.

I will never not be a grieving parent. I will never know the security of that hug again. It makes my heart hurt to think of it. But like I keep saying, there isn't anything to be done about it, except to try to accept that it is what it is.

It doesn't matter to me if I will see her again in another life or in the future. It matters that I can't have her today.

Just rambling... to myself mostly.

The kids, they had a good holiday. Lots of toys, more than they needed or that their room can hold. Lots of hugs, lots of smiles, lots of candy... ;)

If you could slip into my head, and hear the thoughts of the times when I am most quiet, the times I am just not here in the present, you would understand the whole of it.

Just another day, another moment of missing Emerald. I want her to be with me. I want to be with her. I want my life back. I want that innocence. I want the memory of my hand on her mouth, try to see if she was still breathing, and waiting patiently for her heart to stop, so I could remember the time. The time she became an Angel. My Angel. She always wanted me to call her that. Not many parents know the end that I know with my child. The excitement, the dread of her death. It sucks and yet I am lucky.

It is late, and I probably make no sense. Just trying to work this out in my mind... It may never be totally worked out. The minute I work it out, will probably be the end of my life here as well. I can only imagine that it would happen that way.

I took some photos on Christmas...















Emerald and her aunt Elissa, Em is holding her My Twinn doll. And Rene. :)

Thursday, December 22, 2005 10:16 AM CST

Well, we got the tree put up, and the ornaments are on it.

I cried a lot. It is hard to get stuff done like that, but luckily (?) for me I had Pie to help keep me occupied with keeping him from breaking all the stuff. LOL

She had gone with her dad last year and brought back ornaments for me and the kids. It was hard to open them, I knew when I put them away last year that there was a good possibility that this year she wouldn't be around to enjoy them too. I hoped that wasn't the case, but well, it happened. I can't say that it is worse than I thought it would be. It isn't. It is exactly like I dreamed it would be. That feeling of wondering where she is, and how to find her. I woke up in the middle of the night crying last night. I can deal with this. Just take a deep breath and breath, I keep saying. It will pass, just like those first days did, and soon it will be next year.

I took some pictures last night. Here are a couple and one of Emerald the summer before she got sick.







And this one, I think she looks just like Pie...



Here is Pie for reference!



Oh and Pie with his cake... on his birthday! He turned two.



More tomorrow perhaps.

:)

Kimberly

Wednesday, December 21, 2005 11:33 AM CST

All orders are out and completed! I still have gift certificates available... ;) I can email!

Shawn put up the tree the day before yesterday. It is still sitting here with no lights on it, no ornaments... just the tree. The kids are getting really excited to put them on... I just don't feel like it.

I remember 3 years ago, Anya was a tiny baby, and I had pneumonia on Christmas Eve. Luckily, Emerald and Tristy were well and did most of the tree decorating the week before. I thought... Gosh, what a terrible Christmas, but it was the worst one I had had since Emerald was a baby.

2 years ago, I was pregnant with Ian-Pie. And I had him on the 17th of December. Shawn is Jewish, so we had a Bris, and it happened to fall on Christmas Eve. I had had a C-Section, so it was really hard to be out and about doing things that were unfamiliar to me, on Christmas Eve. We ended up at my aunts house that night, and I thought, next year Christmas will be better because I wouldn't have just had surgery! The tree didn't get done until Christmas Eve!

Last year, well... I was sad. I was happy that I had all 3 of my kids with me, and that I could be with them all. I love having 3... I want 5... (don't count on that happening...) and everything was hectic with Emerald's stupid tumor growing, and getting ready to go to Baltimore. We were so busy with Disney and all the stuff we had to do, that the Christmas Tree didn't get finished until Christmas Eve again, but we got it done!

Who would have thought that I would be wishing for pnemonia again. It sure beats this year... I have 2 healthy kids and an Angel in heaven. My heart is aching for her and the only gift I really want... I can't get.

My tree, well hopefully today. I set some low expectations of myself this year. Everyone is getting gift cards. I just can't get out to buy stuff, and I have lost any sense of what people want. I used to love decorating the house. I used to love getting dressed up. I made cookies, I made crafts with the kids. Now... I am just restless. I wander around without much of a sense of purpose. I just want it to be done...

I want to be around people who loved Emerald. I want them to talk about her. I want them to understand my tears aren't making me sad. I want to mention her without someone pursing their lips together and walking away... because they don't approve of my speaking about Emerald... because, well... it could ruin the occasion... the party. Don't you know... the party, the occasion is ruin because she isn't here with me? If it isn't acknowledged.. then I will burst.

Anya, keeps saying that she "wants Emma back." Pie points to the picture of her kissing him and always says EMMA!! She would really love how they are now. THIS is how she wanted them. She would have been the best big sister, ever. She would have had fun helping me wrap stuff and put stuff out... She would have helped me make cookies, and keep things cleaned up.

I miss her so much. But I take a deep breath and I get through it. For the next 50 years possibly... it seems like a long way. But I don't want to be here 50 years from now and think that I just dragged myself through it. I want happiness and joy and love... It will find me... because it must be here right in front of my face. When the mist of grief finally lets up... it will be easier to find, I think.

Let's hope.

Kimberly

Me and Emerald when I worked at Kindercare, she was two.



Emerald and Tristan, about 5 years ago.



Emerald the rock star. Christmas Day 2001.

Thursday, December 15, 2005 9:53 PM CST

Trip description in the journal previous. Sorry this will be short. I am having a hard time lately. I just don't want to do anything...

Anyway, here are the pictures I have! Well, the ones that didn't have to be taken with a regular camera...

;)

This first set is from the turtle farm... in Grand Caymen





This is from the Sting ray excursion we went on. No shots of sting rays. We took some with the underwater camera, but they need to be developed. For those of you photography critics, perhaps the horizon in the British West Indies is indeed slanted... but it could be my lack of attention... HAHA! The water was just gorgoeous. The dark sploshes are the sting rays.













This was in Mexico... This little guy was a pet... he was on a runner in someones yard!



A Loom.


Kids on the beach. The surf was really rough this day!


At the ruins in Tulum.














Well, I think that is everything.

I am going to leave you with a picture of Em... And her cousins from the top picture.. and Tristy as a baby!




I will update again soon. I hope you enjoy the pictures...

Kimberly

Monday, December 12, 2005 11:45 AM CST

Hi guys!

Our trip was fun! As we were leaving Detroit Metro, they had to de-ice the plane... for an HOUR! We didn't notice, because Shawn and I slept through it. Galveston was nice, I met up with my friend from another board there, and she as all dressed up for the festival there. Shawn and I ate lunch there too. Wasn't enough time to visit though, we had to be back on the ship about an hour after we got here, even though our plane got in at 9 am. It just took so long to transfer from the airport to Galveston. Next time, if we leave from that port, I would probably rent a car. It was an hour trip, but we just sat on the bus in front of the ship for like an hour!

By the time we got on the ship we were really wiped out. So we took a nap. And then lifeboat drills. I saw a couple of dolphins in the river. Kind of cool.

We had dinner every night with another couple. I thought that it might have been a mistake asking to be seated in a group. But it turned out well. We laughed a lot through every dinner. By the end, we were looking forward to dinner, because the company was nice. As well as the food. Our waitstaff was excellent! It will be hard to get used to eating like normal people again.

The first day, it was kind of cool for me. The weather was in the 70's, but it was quite breezy. I like it HOT... so I wore pants, while everyone else was in the pool (the crazies.) Some of my friends from my soap board, ordered a honeymoon package and had it delivered to our stateroom. Along with flowers. One night at dinner, they surprised us with a cake, and it was kind of embarassing! Like when they sing on your birthday and you aren't expecting it!

The second day was another day at sea. It was in the 80's. I took a nap. Actually, part of the trip that was bad, was that I had suddenly had all this time on my hands. I have kept super busy since Emerald died, and having all this extra time, was good and bad at the same time. I spent a lot of time, kind of teary. But it all worked out, once I realised what the feelings I was having were. There were kids onboard and I would remember things... Plus, December 8th, was the day we left last year for Disney.

The third day, we were in Jamaica. Emerald and I had been there years ago. We took a snorking catameran ride. Which was fun. The water was pretty warm, and it was nice. One of the other passengers, stole our beach towel, and if you don't have them, you have to pay $22 a piece. So if you go on a cruise, buy some cheap towels at Walmart, instead of taking theirs.

The fourth day, we were in Grand Caymen. Not much to see on the island. They had lots of shops, which we didn't have time for, we did the stingray excursion. And they had a place called Hell, (we have one in Michigan too, but as you can imagine.. it is frozen over right now.) We also went to the turtle farm. The island was detroyed last year by Hurricane Ivan, so there was lots of rebuilding. If I had to do it again, I would just do the stingray excursion, and spend the rest of the time on the beach, and swimming, the water was beautiful.

The fifth day we were in Cozumel, but we did an excursion, so we didn't get to see any of Cozumel, because the excursion Shawn chose was the ruins, and it took up the entire day. We did get to go swimming at the ruins site. Which was really fun. I wanted the guy to stop talking so I could swim, (I am hard of hearing and miss most of what people say in groups, and if it windy and other people talking... add an accent and I am lost) I took lots of pictures... and the swimming was just fantastic, the surf was really rough, so it really felt like you were in the ocean. Again the water was just fantastically pretty and swimming there in this spiritual place just made it worth the 7 hours were were gone. I think I would like to more of mexico next time, there were lots of things we could have done.

The 6th day we were at sea. And it was still warm, but I didn't swim or anything. We just relaxed most of the day... and ate... LOL By the end of the day, it was kind of cold.

By the next morning, it was only 40 out. Cold. It took us the rest of the day to get home, because I booked our flight so late, because I wanted to make sure we had enough time.

So... we had a good time. My sign and sail was only 100 bucks. The room steward took care of the towel, so we didn't have to pay for it.

Next time, I am taking the kids. We didn't know what to do with so much time on our hands!!!!

I will have pictures up later! Some of them.

And I will post again really soon.

I got some soap orders while I was away, nothing I can't handle. There is still time!

Kimberly

Thursday, November 24, 2005 11:24 AM CST

Happy Thanksgiving.

I just wanted to quick check in. I think about writing often. I think about Emerald much of the time. I have recently been thinking of all the wonderful things that we were doing just two years ago.

She would help me make soap and stuff. It was nice to have a little buddy who really understood what I needed help with. Anya tries, but anyone who knows Anya, knows that she is really good at helping make a big mess sometimes... Pie is starting to help to. But he is just too little at only almost 2.

This isn't the first Thanksgiving I have spent without Emerald. Every other year she would go to her dad's house. We had to share. Two years ago, it was my turn to have her. And we spent the day with my parents at their house. I had just gotten a new cell phone, and I was big as a house, pregnant with Pie. I still have the picture of Emerald sleeping on my couch, on my wallpaper of my phone. We watched 8 crazy nights that day, before we went to my parents house. When we got home that night, we watched, It's a wonderful life, together on my bed.

It seems like yesterday. Yesterday marked the day that we got the MRI results telling us that Emerald's tumor had grown. I remember how upset she was for about 10 minutes. Then how she seemed OK, and when I took my turn at being upset, she told me I had to be brave. Somehow, I got to have Emerald again last year. She couldn't walk, because of that stupid George. We were looking forward to our Make A Wish trip. We were brave.

I plan to go through today, trying to be brave. Trying to find things to be thankful for. Those things are all around us. Even if you suffer a loss like mine, there are still good things right here in your lap. You just have to be brave enough to embrace them. And be brave enough to let the tears come, because they have to. Because she deserved those tears.




I am really swamped with orders. It is fun. Anything that was ordered in the past month should ship by Saturday. If not, early next week. Shawn and I are taking an ill timed vacation. (I did the same thing last year... ) We were supposed to go on a cruise in September, but because of the hurricanes, we had to cancel them. So we are going in a week and 1/2. We will be gone a week. Anything ordered from now until then, should go out within the week following December 11th.

The Apple Soap is for sale. :) And I added a few things. It keeps me sane.

Happy Thanksgiving...

Love,
Kimberly

Thursday, November 10, 2005 7:06 PM CST

Hi, it is me!! Just kidding, of course it is me.

I have been really busy, got quite a few orders for gift baskets, and have been working on those orders! I reached over a 1000 on the lemonade soap and this week, I am going to start selling a soap that will benefit brain tumor research. It will be called "Apple A Day".

I was looking at Pie the other day and I realised that Emerald would want me to be excited and doing things with the kids. In fact, it was a request of hers. She wouldn't be unhappy that I was happy and playing with her brother and sister because she wanted nothing more than for me to take care of them and love them. Especially because she couldn't be here to do it. I am sad that she is gone, and I cry but I don't see that ever ending. Sometimes the same thought will make me laugh and burst out into tears. Sometimes it is one or the other and I am OK with that.

I cleaned Emerald's room on Saturday and Anya thought that it meant that Emerald was coming home. She was so very excited. She took the news pretty well that Em wasn't coming back... but it was hard on me to tell her. She really wanted to sleep in that room. So for the last two nights she has been. I really think it helps her feel closer to Emerald. Her speech is coming along really well too.

Ellen and Sammi and Alec and Caitlin came over the other night, it was really great to see them. My kids had a blast playing with them. :D Sammi brought her Emerald doll and showed me her poetry. It was beautiful and made me cry.

Here are the kids on Halloween... and a few pictures I found of Emerald when she was younger.

Pie went as a candy-getter. He just plain refused to put on a costume!! Anya was a witch (the butterfly was too big) and Tristan was a vampire! So we still had a vampire this year!





It was Tristy's birthday yesterday too, a BIG 7 YEARS OLD!!












Have a good day! And thank you for your continued support.

Kimberly

Halloween...

A friend of mine posted this, and I wanted to share it with you.

Samhain Night
today as you
watch your costumed children,
remember bonnie.

eyes behind those masks,
bodies decked with fantasy.
bonnie will be there.

carved pumpkins welcome
visiting beloved friends.
come on in, bonnie.

set an extra place
at the samhain night table
for a guest gone beyond.

weave another wreath
with all my love for bonnie
cast it on the fire.

love just doesn't die
though our bodies age and fail.
my heart remembers.

the samhain spirits
are not evil ghouls of fear,
but beloved souls.

those we've loved and lost
beyond the veil of darkness,
westward with the sun.

ancestor worship?
acknowledge those who have gone
before, life to death.

one more samhain night.
the feast of the beloved dead,
honor, remembrance.



Copyright © 30 October 1997 by Heather Madrone.

Happy Halloween, Princess.

Sunday, October 30, 2005 7:41 PM CST

Today has been a really rough day for me...

I just woke up out of sorts. And then it got worse.

I wrote some of this in Cheyenne's guestbook... I apologise for any redundancy. I went into Emerald's room to feed the birds, that I was babysitting for my mom, and I noticed that a bunch of things that were on Emerald's shelf had fallen. So I started picking them up. I noticed that there had been a jewelry box on the shelf and in it, had been a few things that I had put up there to keep out of Anya's hands.

There was a bracelet of Cheyenne's that I had forgotten about. Of course, I started thinking of Cheyenne. Today marks the day of her becoming an Angel. It stands out for me, probably more than any other kid becoming an angel, because that day I learned a lesson from Emerald. We found out that Cheyenne had died, and I was so angry. Why her? She had so many people praying for her.

Emerald said to me that she was sad, but she wasn't so upset, because she knew that because she had the reminder of the friendship bracelet on, that Cheyenne was always with her. It really meant a lot to me, that Emerald felt that connection with a girl so many states away, even transending through her death, Emerald still felt that connection. We went to the store and I remember hoping that Emerald's foot heaviness was from the loss of Cheyenne. Maybe it was hitting her harder than she thought... after all. She was doing so well.

Anyway. After I found the bracelet and I cleaned up the other things that were in the room. I was upset and I was yelling at Shawn... and I stepped on a green gemstone... AGAIN... in the middle of the dining room this time.

This is the third one I found, and I always find them when I am having a particularly hard day.

Shawn thinks I am nuts.... but I think, it was meant this way. I mean, unless he is putting them there... it doesn't make sense, where are they coming from? I would *love* any logical answer.

So while I am having a bad day. Complete with tears, headache and heartache... I am grateful... for Cheyenne... for Emerald... for Celeste... for Melody... for Ray-Anne...for Sarah... for all the kids that I know, that have lived and passed and touched my heart... just for being themselves. For their parents, and all the parents that I feel close to. (Even if I am really horrible at keeping in touch now..) I am not alone. We have each other.

Thank you to Judy and Jennifer for always calling me. Thank you to Monica for calling me the other day. I don't think you realise how much it makes me feel cared for. Judy calls me regularly. She never complains that I don't call her... and we don't have to talk about our kids... we just talk about anything. And it makes me feel normal, if only for a little bit. Jennifer, I think is my sister in a past life. She is different than me, but someone I can totally relate to. And Mon. I love you. You are a wonderful person, even if you don't see it.

I am leaving you with pictures of Halloween's past....







And one year ago tomorrow.... :) I bring you the coolest vampire on the block.


I miss you, Emerald. On your favorite day.

Kimberly

Thursday, October 27, 2005 10:17 PM CDT

Well, I got a couple emails, that tells me that I should update, eh?

There are times during my week of perfect clarity. Of all the things I want to say, and when I go to write them down lately, they are just missing from my mind, as if they never existed at all!

I have been working on gift baskets... and soap orders! It is really great all of you, that still buy things from me. I really appreciate it!

Yesterday, our friend Calvin became an angel. When I read it, I cried. Our friend Matthew, of Matthew's miles had surgery to remove his tumor. He is at John's Hopkins. When I read about it... I cried. It brought me back to the days in the hospital with Emerald. In a flash. I can almost feel that time.

Allie Scott became a big sister today! You can see her pictures at scotthousehold.com. Welcome Maggie, and congratulations to the Scott family on their wonderful news. Oddly, this news also made me cry. I woke up thinking of Jenny that same morning. Of how she was singing to Allie when she passed, when I logged on. I found that she was in the hospital. I thought that was so strange.

Thank you to Monica, Emerald's friend Trevor's Big Sister. She got married and she donated to the ACS in Emerald's name. It was a wonderful, wonderful thing to do, and we all appreciate it!

There is a link below to a site cards that matter. They have featured TWO of my pictures on their greeting cards! They also have holiday cards available. Check them out. They are donating money to LLS and a small portion...to the ACS. We are honored to have them thinking of us, and to use MY images!!!

I wish that I was still reporting Emerald news each day. I wish I was telling you how well she is playing with Blitzy and how much she has grown. And reporting how she plans to dress herself up this year for halloween. But I can't. I wish life was "normal", but it isn't. I find myself thinking ... It is a rainy day... maybe Es wants to go to the movies.. " And then I remember that she isn't here. I find myself looking forward to the future, and then I remember Emerald isn't there to share in it.

It is hard, this ruined her life. Well, you can't even say that can you? I mean. What there was of her life.. It was darn good. She was loved, and she loved. She loved life. And she spent only a few minutes, even after she got sick, being sad for the fact that she was. She kept on, keeping on. She did. It was amazing. She kept me keeping on. And she keeps me moving forward now.

Anya is at a good age. She still gets me frustrated, but I think that if Emerald hadn't gotten sick, I wouldn't be frustrated with her at all. I think it is my grief, and absent mindedness... which isn't really absent minded... it is that I am preoccupied with thoughts of Emerald... I think if I that wouldn't have been, Anya would be at an age where Emerald really enjoyed her, I know I do now. I wish I could give it my all though. She is talking really well now! It is amazing how fast she is getting it! It is amazing what a great artist she is. (Just like her big sister!)

Pie is doing well too, he is also a budding artist, but he likes to use my walls and couch as a canvas! Sometimes soap dye is a good medium for him! Luckily, we have always gotten it all out! :) He is talking a lot.

They both have a lot of Emerald qualities! It is nice to see them. Sometimes I think they are here because I need the reminder. Without them. It would all be in my head. Instead, I get glimpses of Emerald.... (Thanks, Holly.) and it is really great. I am very lucky. I miss her like HELLo! But I think that if anyone was as lucky to be her mom as I am... they would feel like me too!

Me and Anya!


Tristan lost his first tooth!!


I hope to get some more pictures to post this weekend!!!

Thanks for listening!!!

Love,
Kimberly

Mom of 3 wonderful children...

*Emerald, Anya and Ian*

Sunday, October 16, 2005 2:29 PM CDT

I have been sick with strep for the last couple days, feeling better today. I was suppose to go to a friends bachelorette party last night, and I was looking forward to it, but I didn't want to risk getting the bride sick just before her wedding, that would be bad!!

My sister and I took the kids to get pumpkins and apples and cider and donuts today. We really underestimated the weather. The last couple days have been kind of warm, in fact, I was sweating inside the house. Then today, it was so cold that by all rights the kids needed winter coats. Silly us. We all froze, but they had fun. We just had to keep moving!!

Emerald has been gone for 7 months. I thought going for pumpkins was going to be harder than it was. I mean. I missed her. But I want to make sure that every juncture that my other two know that I love them, and I just as much their mom as I am hers. So off we went.

I still cry a lot. More than before. But at the same time, I know that I must keep moving forward. Whether or not I things have turned out like I would have wanted, I am here, and I am going to put my heart into it... well, at least today!

Every one of us who has gone through this, or those that have watched us go through this... are teachers. We are helping others deal with loss. If we can teach people to do it with some grace, and dignity, then I think we are winning. No family escapes death. I am not the mom whose child died. Because eventually, ALL of our children will die. What makes me different is that mine died before me. Certainly, she would have been just as sad if it were me, right?

Thank you for making it alright for me to write my feelings. It really helps. It makes it safe for me.

Anyway, everyone is doing OK.

And I have pictures to share.

Oh and currently, I am not doing at photography work. I still have a lot to learn. But I will let you know when I am doing some!

And I made some changes to the soap site, regarding gift baskets!

OK, here are the pictures. Hardly any of Anya. I did't realise that it was going to be so windy. So I didn't put her hair into a pony tail, it was all over her face! She looked like a raggamuffin. :) Pie just won't look at me so I can get a decent picture! Someday!

I think this is Pie's favorite "pose".






Pictures would be so much easier if all kids would pose for at least 2 seconds... LOL




Does she look a bit cold??




I think this is my favorite one! LOL


And a picture of Em from last year. Just couldn't leave her out.


Thanks for looking.

Kimberly

Friday, October 7, 2005 8:02 AM CDT

Just checking in to say, THANK YOU for all the messages. It really helped with my lonliness.

Things are pretty much the same.

I did take some pictures late last night of Anya that I want to share.











That is it for now, I should have a link for gift baskets up in the next couple days... that is what I am working on now. :)

Love,
Kimberly

Thursday, September 29, 2005 6:49 PM CDT

I took some pictures today, thought I would share.





Figure I will leave yesterdays update up for a couple days. I plan to take more pictures. :) I appreciate your support and kind words, more than you can imagine right now.

.....

Gosh, I miss that kid.

Every day seems like it is getting harder... not easier in the slightest bit.

I ACHE for her with all of my being. The thought that she won't ever be coming back makes me ill. It seems inconceivable. HOW can that be?

I remember a few years ago, before Anya. Me and my sister were in Meijer with Emerald. We were looking at something, and suddenly, Emerald was gone. I panicked, I started looking everywhere for her. I asked someone who worked there, they started looking...

Suddenly, over the loud speaker, I hear.. "Kim Maes, please come to the toy desk." She had panicked too, and the first thing she did was ask someone to page me. What a smart kid. Of course, when I got to her we were both crying. It was so scary.

I wish it was that easy now. Just page me, Emerald. I will come running where ever you are.

I feel so lost. Both the kids talk about Emma all the time.... we all miss her. It was chilly today, and I was remembering last year when we went to the pumpkin patch and she was walking so good through them, even though it was rocky terrain. With her red sweater on. She was such a trooper. We never let this disease hold us back from doing what we wanted to do.

But I feel like it is all over, and there is no more story. Just me, the sad mom, with her two other kids. I wouldn't blame people if they stopped coming here. I don't write because there isn't much to say. I still miss Emerald. It hurts like the dickens, and I will miss her tomorrow. It feels like just yesterday she was alive and well. Just yesterday that she was laughing with me. Just yesterday that we were watching TV together. Just yesterday, that she told me she didn't know how to be an angel. Just yesterday that she died.

How can time go by like this. Without her. With my big aching heart. Doesn't father time know, that she kept me alive?? Without her I could have done some stupid things... Without her in my life, I wouldn't be who I am today.

This time last year, we were getting ready for the Relay for Life. I couldn't do it this year. It was just too hard for me. Every thing seems so freaking hard these days...




Enough whining.

Anya starts speech in the morning. So now in addition to head start... she will have speech school, before hand. Different building, two hours earlier in the morning, but they take her to the head start building when they are done and she comes home at the same time. I think she is going to be tired... LOL :)

Pie is doing well. Talking up a storm. He speaks more clearly than Anya does. Kind of amazing.

Well, that is enough for me.



This is a picture of Emerald, when she was on her way to see Aaron Carter. She was SOOO excited. She is holding up tickets, she has her sticker/glitter tattoo on her arm... and she is looking cute! When we got there, the lady that we spoke to, had a granddaughter named Emerald and she lived in another state! It was the first time she had ever heard of anyone else named Emerald! When we walked in, there were people in our seats, so we got bumped up, and got to sit only 11 rows back! She was so very excited. It was such a pleasure to be her mom.

Sunday, September 25, 2005 1:46 PM CDT

Hi everyone.

Sorry it has been so long since my last update, I have been busy (always my same excuse).. I come here with every intention on updating, but just am too tired to write anything.

While I was in Las Vegas, my friend Jessica, borrowed my car. She said that while we were gone, she would come out and there would be butterflies on it. I thought that was interesting. She isn't the type to say things like that, I find it amazing that so many people see butterflies and think of Emerald.

Two days ago, I was having a really rough day, I wasn't feeling well, I was in the midst of baking a cake, I was just entirely stressed out. I was sobbing at my computer. Just sobbing, writing to my friends in a group that I belong to, and feeling sorry for myself, and missing Emerald. Finally, after a bit, I got up to clean up (the house was a disaster) and as I was cleaning, I once again, found a little green gemstone on the floor, in a place that there shouldn't have been one. I thought it was interesting. It really helped me focus on knowing that she still loves me.

My friend, Elizabeth is still doing really well. I am so glad. Thanks to those of you who kept her in your thoughts and prayers, I appreciate it.

Everyone here is doing well.

Last thing, CB emailed me and I am not allowed to solicit for donations for my soap. I will mention it causually now and again, what is going on.... but if you would like information on sales and such, you need to sign up for my newsletter, that you can do from the soap site. If you need the webaddress, please email me.

That is it for now... I will leave you with a current picture of Ian-Pie.



Have a great day!

Wednesday, September 14, 2005 8:57 PM CDT

Hi everyone.

My friend Elizabeth is doing great. She is home today, and seems to be improving all the time. Keep her in your thoughts we would like to see her back to herself.

Been very busy with soap, still coming along, I got a bit behind, I hope to be caught up by the end of the week.

I also am behind on emails. For some reason, they pile up. After responding to a couple, I feel like I have no energy or nothing more original to say. I know that everyone doesn't need a completely original, totally heartfelt response each time, but I feel like I need to give more than I feel I can give after a couple emails. I hope you understand. I am working on them!

Anya is doing well in school. Yes, it was a rice krispie treat, and I bought them... (sheepishly grinning) at Sam's Club.

Thinking of Emerald... the last couple days... as I hit that 6 month mark with her... I feel so... tired of her being gone. I feel her presence, but I can't seem to get in touch with her. I miss hold her hand more than you can even imagine. She always let me hold her hand. The only time she didn't was when immediately after her first surgery, she had that pins and needles feeling. I hated not holding her hand then. And was so grateful when she allowed me to hold her hand once more.

Sometimes when I am thinking of her... Like today, I was thinking of her after thinking of how she got her first barbie bike at her 4th birthday (where Anya is now) and how we had a gymnastics party for her. In the middle of the thought, it occurs to me that she is gone. You would think that it would be common place that she is gone. But it still catches me by surprise sometimes. I feel this heaviness when I exhail. She feels like she is on the tip of my tongue.

Our minds are such wonderous things. If you close your eyes and think about doing an activity, you will actually get better at it physically. I saw a study in that once, I think that it only helps prove that in my head, she is still here. Alive as she was 6 mos and 1 week ago. So it seems natural that this feeling would be here.

As much as it catches me by surprise, I don't respond to it like I used to. I am used to the surprise. I never know when it is going to hit, but I react in less of a startling way than I used to.

I watched a movie the other night that she loved... White Chicks. She, Keri and I watched it when she was in rehab, and it was soooo funny. We laughed and laughed. I laugh when I watch it now.

It seems the night time is hardest for me. She used to sleep with me, and I used to watch TV with her and Anya... and waiting her to get home from school is hard. She never comes through the door anymore. I wonder what it is like to be dead. I hope at least some of the things "they" say are true. That she isn't in any pain... that she is playing, that she is with the other kids we know. Heck, I even hope there is a Jesus there watching over her. By all accounts he must have been a wonderful person, and I would trust him, messiah or not, to take care of my little girl...

We were supposed to go on a cruise last week. We would have just gotten back today... the cruise was cancelled due to the hurricane. Only I would chose the Port of New Orleans... LOL I love that place, I was really hoping to visit there.

I spoke to Rene, he seems to be doing as well as he can be, I passed on the well wishes, of those of you who sent them.

Trying to think if I had anything else.... well, not today.

I hope I can take some pictures soon. I have been so absolutely busy, that I seriously haven't had time to do anything fun!!

Have a good day!

Hugs,
Kimberly

Wednesday, September 7, 2005 7:09 PM CDT

Hi everyone. I was away for the weekend, back to work today, I have soap orders going out every day. If you haven't received it yet. I apologise. Remember, it is JUST ME trying to get the soap made, wrapped, packed and sent... (if anyone wants to come help... feel free... LMAO!)

Anya's first day of school was today. She was very excited. She wore Emerald's back pack from her first day of school. It was very sweet. I remember I bought that back pack for Emerald's trip to Jamaica... She was just 4. So that thing is 8 years old now!







Pie cried when Anya got on the bus. She had a good day. She was upset that she didn't get to paint. :)


Please keep in your prayers my friend Elizabeth. She is my age, and has a child Pie's age... she was picking him up from daycare and passed out on the floor (thank god she was there... and not alone at home, or driving!) She had an aneurysm, and is in the ICU. She is doing as well as can be expected at this point. Pray for a full recovery, please.

That is it for today, I am tired, and have been sick for the last two days.

Have a wonderful tomorrow.

Kimberly

Thursday, September 1, 2005 3:37 PM CDT

My friend is found and she and her family are OK.

Stressed, but OK. That is about the only details I have now!

Thanks for the prayers!!!

And for your support this last week.

And Tami...I love you too!

:)

Kimberly

Tuesday, August 30, 2005 10:16 PM CDT

***Please pray for my friend Sheika. I posted a poem she wrote about Emerald shortly after she died. Sheika lives in New Orleans, and we haven't heard anything from her.***

I am working feverishly on soap. Don't think I have forgotten, but free shipping (which you can still get) was very popular and I ran out of stuff pretty quickly. I am working hard to get it out and I appreciate your patience!!!

I stopped really quick to write this song in.

It made me think of Emerald. It is from the Signing time video (You can find them at Signingtime.com)

*I don't know who Zane is, but thank you for being an inspiration...*

Shine
Zane you taught me that heros come in all sizes. Thank you for letting me let go of typical timelines so that Lucy was free to reach milestones at her own pace. You helped me believe in Lucy and now Lucy is inspiring so many others. You gave me hope and hope is the ultimate gift. You inspire me. ~R

Sometimes I see you stuck
For such a long time
A daily nothing new
Pretend I don't mind
With lists of things you'll never do
Until somehow you do
And you do-you do-you shine

The days and months and years
They run together
Is it just one day? Or is this forever?
You've taught me in your lifetime
More than I'd learned in mine
And you do, you do, you shine

Shine shine shine shine shine
Shine your light on me
Shine shine shine shine shine
everyone will see
I am so glad you are mine
And you will shine in your own time

Well, maybe I am too close to see you clearly
Or is it my role now to simply believe?
You are one of those mysteries
That may never be solved in time
But you do - you do - you shine

And [Tristy] will do what [Tristy] will do when [Tristy] is ready to do it
And [Anie] will do what [Anie] will do when [Anie] is ready to do it
And [Ian-Pie] will do what [Ian-Pie] will do when [Ian-Pie] is ready to do it
And they will do it in their own time

Yeah they'll shine shine shine shine shine
Shine your light on me
Shine shine shine shine shine
everyone will see
I am so glad you are mine
And you'll shine and you shine




Have a good night.

Kimberly

Friday, August 26, 2005 8:53 PM CDT

I was cleaning out my purse tonight and I found... a tangible piece of Emerald.

My sister had cut from her hair that Monday we thought she would die and glued the ends and put it on wax paper. Somehow it ended up in my purse. So when I cleaned my purse out (which I haven't done in forever... ) I found it.

Just touching her hair made me feel so happy, sad and peaceful. Part of her, in my fingertips, just the way I remembered her. What a wonderful feeling.

I have her thumbprint around my neck. I have only taken it off maybe twice, and both times, it went right back on the next day. I think I will wear it until I die. And now I have her hair, to touch whenever I want to.

It is funny how things can transport you instantly in your mind back to a place or a time.

The theme from full house came on. And I didn't even realise why, but I suddenly felt the hope... the hope of Emerald's surgery. I feel this coldness in my shoulders. Like I did then. She was such a trooper. She KNEW it was her only chance and she wanted it as much as we did. She endured so much. My poor girl did. She was so brave.

And thank you Francine for your post... this means a lot..

I'm not sure if she's gone, she said, but her body is & that's the part I'm getting used to.

I awoke this morning to a thought. Perhaps Emerald died because I need her on the other side to make me brave. When I go there, I hope I am greeted by her smiling face, and a big, fat kiss. I don't know how it works, but I can dream.

I have really started to feel like Anya and Ian's mom lately. Someone from my soap board told me that her mom, when her brother died, wouldn't allow anyone to get close to her, to help her be comforted.... I am glad that I haven't closed myself off. I am glad that I haven't let my anger, my saddness, my pain consume me. I still have these emotions like everyone else, but I let my children comfort me. They are part Emerald, too. They are just as much me, as she was.

Here are a couple pictures of Pie!





Have a good weekend!

Kimberly

Friday, August 26, 2005 7:24 AM CDT

I saw this quote and I think it really says a lot.

a person is just like a teabag; want to find out what's in them? Put them in hot water.

I read this this morning on my soap board in regards to something else, and oddly Shawn something similar to me last night in regards to another situation... You choose how you react to something. I am going to state one more time, that I have had no ill will toward the group in question. Period.

Unless something major happens, I will not be giving this matter any more press time. I just do NOT want the people involved with this group to think that I do not appreciate what they are doing. Because I do.

...

Before Emerald got sick... I could whole weeks without shedding a tear, even one time.

Now, I don't think that I have not cried for a full day in 6 months. Sometimes many times a day, sometimes only once. Sometimes from something I happen across. Sometimes at the mention of her name.

How things change.

I got a card in the mail from Emily's mom. She was doing the relay for life and she was Emerald's friend from camp. They raised thousands for the ACS! Congrats to them. And they also got their name, and Emerald's name mentioned in their paper. How nice to see her name in print.

Emerald would have been at camp last week. Next week she would have started Jr. High. I was so looking forward to these years. I loved watching her become a young lady, with a style (even though I didn't always agree with it.) and taste all her own. I loved watching the caring adult she was becoming. How she could put things into persepective, even without my help. How she handled herself with grace and with wit and humor. How she liked to watch the same kinds of things I did.

She really liked Maury. She would see it on, and watch. Her favorites were the ones where Maury has men and women on and we had to guess if they were boys or girls. LOL Those weren't the ones I liked, but she liked the game. It was funny. It was funny to hear her laugh, "Mom, come see this one... what do you think?" Sometimes when she was talking and laughing and I couldn't hardly understand her.

Her very first day of Kindergarten was so sweet. She wanted to ride the bus so badly that she wouldn't let us drop her off at school.

So me and my mom, Kelly, Tristy, and Rene, and Aunt Lisa and the boys all trotted off to the bus stop. Emerald was so, so cute. She was so tiny. She could wear a 4T still. She had on her blue puppy sweater from the gap, with kahki pants and brown leather shoes. We put her hair in two long pony tails and made them into little buns. She was so proud to be going to school. I remember watching her get on the bus and it pull away, her little eyes peeking over the bottom of the window. My big girl. She was my only at the time. It was really hard sending her off.



This isn't the same day, but her same sweater, it was her favorite, I have it saved for Anya.



I still can't believe that she won't be going to Jr. High. No laughing, no boys, no first kisses.

Anya starts headstart this year, and the bus is going to pick her up, and she will go off to school. It makes me kind of anxious. Just knowing that she still has to approach the age where Emerald died. My brain (even though I know better) tells me that anything that Emerad did, is unsafe for Anya. Because, what if something in that path, is what made Emerald sick. I don't think I could bare it, if this were to happen again. The likeihood is astronomical, yet exactly the same statistic that Emerald had at this same point. And she still won that crappy lottery.

Sorry if this is so hard to follow. I am having a rough morning.

Anya woke up having a bad dream. About Emerald dying. About the puppy and about riding in an airplane with Emerald. She sounded so sad.

I wanted to sleep in a little, but she was already up when I got up to check. So I didn't get to get a little snooze in. That is ok.

I have lots to do.

Have a great day!

Kimberly

Thursday, August 25, 2005 10:27 AM CDT

Hi everyone!

I want to thank all of you, who continue to give me support and are still buying soap! Both the lemonade soap, and for the other soap that helps to support my hobby and our family.

Surely, we will reach $1000 by the end of the year!

Anya woke up yesterday, giggling. Well, she wasn't quite awake, but she was laughing her head off... When she finally got up, I asked her if she was dreaming, she said, "yes!" and that she was dreaming of Emerald. I said that she must have been making her laugh. I think it is really sweet.

She tells me that Emerald visits her in the mornings. She has said this for some time, but usually I don't witness the visit!

I haven't taken any pictures lately... because I have been so busy with soap! Hopefully, I will get back to it soon.

When we had Anya's preschool homevisit last Friday, I said that her teacher was coming over. She got SOO excited! And then said, "AGNES is coming?" She was mildly disappointed when I told her that no, it was a different teacher. Ms. Teresa, but she got excited again, to know that she was going to have TWO teachers! She told me that Anges was the teacher of ALL the children, and that Anges wears a halo, like Emerald does. (Funny, because I don't know where she get this stuff. I wish sometimes it was blanently obvious for me!!!)

Anyway, I just wanted to give a quick update! I hope everyone has a nice day.

Hugs,
Kimberly




About the password protection. I may occasionally use it to lock the site when I can be here to monitor the guestbook. So if you see it on, don't think it is permanent. I just need to sleep safe from trolls. :)

Wednesday, August 24, 2005 10:34 AM CDT

If anyone can pipe up and please mention that I never mentioned the name of the group that I do not want to be associated with, I would appreciate it. I did mention the group in a few private emails, but never anything publically.

I am being accused of mentioning this group here on my caringbridge page.

Thank you,
Kimberly

.....

And last thing. I know that this group is now asking its members to no longer post here and give me support. I find this is poor taste, as I went out of my way, to not publically slander this person. I am documenting everything that has happened and is happening from the first harrassment in April.

....

And for clarification... the groups I am talking about aren't groups you have to ask to be involved in, but rather, the ones where you ask your child's name to be included. Hope this helps. I know her name was there. I saw it myself.

I actually have to re write this post because it was deleted somehow.

I am really sickened by how people can't take what I say and see it for what it is. I am not part of a group, because I choose not to associate with that group for private, personal reasons.

This person publically harrassed me, privately harrassed me by email, until I told her to please stop all contact. I have witnesses to both the email I sent and to her treatment of me.

I choose to not associate my family, with this group for a reason. I was told by several people that they joined this group in part because Emerald's name was listed in the links section. This was done without my permission. Certainly the people involved with this group do not understand the entire situation. There is no way that they could. Knowing me. After reading my journal, in which I am fairly level headed... most of the time. Why would I go out of my way to say this, if I didn't think it was important and IF I DIDN'T KNOW IT TO BE TRUE.

Regardless.

I want to make this crystal clear. I am part of Caring Crew, & Angels on Earth, FOA Michigan, This post is in no way related to Share the Love, or the national FOA group, or even the former Raise Awareness group. If you wonder if it is your group, in question, please feel free to email and I will be happy to let you know.

Sorry, this isn't as well written as the last post was. I honestly have no idea what happened.

Stuff in the last post of the journal history still applies.

Kimberly

Thursday, August 18, 2005 9:59 PM CDT

I updated the total on the lemonade soap. Almost to $1000! Thanks to everyone who has bought a bar or 8!

Childhood Cancer Awareness Stamp.

Hi everyone.

I have been really busy with soap orders.

If you really wanted to get in on the free shipping there, I left it that way, so you could have a chance. The sandalwood vanilla is wowsers from what all my testers have said. If you try it and like it, please post about it!

Free Shipping on Orders over $20.00!

I had a dream about Emerald the other day. That she was mad that I was taking a trip without her. She was annoyed with me, and wouldn't talk to me. Just like she did when she was mad. I still felt the love from her though. I kept thinking that I was going to miss out on something particularly her death, if I wasn't with her every moment.

I guess sometimes I feel that if I am not mourning her every moment, then I won't get the reward... of her coming back. Not that I think that. It is just this odd thought process that I go through when I am thinking of things.

I started reading the idoits guide to buddism. What is interesting, is that some of the things they said, I have already come to that conclusion by myself.

I was telling some friends the other day, that I do not think that you have to be happy OR sad. You can be both. Sometimes, you realise that you are so happy, because you can still taste the sad.

Anya is almost to the age where she reminds me of my favorite times with Emerald. Em and I were best buddies... her whole life, but once she started having a good sense of humor... I tell you... it changed the way I looked at her.

Thinking of Emerald gone still takes my breath away.

I was reading Rory's Dad's journal, and the stuff he posted and particularly the statement that...

If I am having a bad day, I don't need psychiatric evaluation, and if I am having a good day, I am not over it... (or however he wrote that.) Just makes so much sense to me.

Someone wrote in my guestbook that they were glad to see me moving on. I don't even know how to take that statement. I mean.... am I moving on? I don't know. I mention her every single chance I get. I am not uncomfortable when people bring her up, although sometimes it catches me off guard, and I start crying... which is OK. I don't mind crying. I think if I were gone and she was left, she would be crying too. She loved me, as I loved her.

Does moving on mean you are "over it"? Probably not. But I equate it with being over it, which I am not. I will NEVER be over it. It will never be OK that she died, and that I am left.

My latest thing is to hope and [pray] that I am not the last of my family to die. I certainly don't want to watch everyone go, and feel this loss... I know dying is a fact of life. Like someone on my soap board posted... We are born to die. How true. It happens to us all. No need to be scared of it, because we have no choice in the matter.

Well, enough for me tonight.

Be well.

Kimberly

Wednesday, August 10, 2005 8:16 AM CDT

I was talking to Rene the other day. He calls me now and again. It is weird because we still have this connection and I feel like it is almost stronger now. Because we still choose to be friends, even though our daughter has died. We were talking about how we got married because of Emerald. We didn't. We just got pregnant with her before we were really ready to move forward with a future... but we made the decision anyway. I think we would have been together either way, it was just faster than we had intended. It is a shame we divorced, because he is really one of my best friends, and a wonderful addition to our family.

Anyway, so we were talking about how things are for him now, and he said, "No one brings Emerald up, EVER. It is like she never existed." You can tell this really hurt him. Just saying it you could hear his voice cracking. He is having nightmares about it. Nightmares where he gets hurt at work, and no one notices that he is so hurt. I think it mirrors his life. I can't imagine. He said that when he brings her up, people give him funny looks. I suppose they do. I know I bring her up constantly. I talk about her every chance I get. Say. Her. Name. I think that is what keeps her alive for me, and what keeps me moving in a forward direction. Firstly, no one will tell me that I cannot bring her up. Secondly, I would do it anyway. Who is anyone else to tell me what to do in this matter. She is mine, part of me and always will be. And part of him. I feel terrible for him, because he really wants her to be alive for him too. It isn't bad enough that Emerald felt slighted, that she wondered aloud why they were coming around now that she was dying. But the funeral fiasco, and now they are ignoring him and his need... and MY DAUGHTER. Not even in her death, is she being "done right." But I guess I should have expected as much.

This is not about all of his family. That isn't what I am saying. He certainly needs to bring her up more, so they feel that they can bring her up. So they know that talking about Emerald doesn't make him sad, it is her death that makes him sad. Emerald makes him happy. We miss her quirkiness. Her sometimes garish sense of style. Her belly laugh, her giggles. Her eyerolls... ("Dad, you are getting on my last nerve!")

Say. Her. Name.

Love,
Kimberly

Monday, August 8, 2005 10:03 PM CDT

I don't know why, but I was thinking tonight of Emerald and of the times shortly after I became a mom. Sitting in our living room. We had hardly any furniture. No couch. Just one of those "salad bowl" chairs that I got for Christmas from my mom and a 27 inch tv (that I still have... can you believe that I got that just before Emerald, and the tv still is alive? Too bad they can't trade.)

I remember sitting in the living room with Rene a week after Emerald was born and we were watching "The Birds." I fell asleep on the floor with Emerald. She was so tiny, she smelled so good. Nothing can ever match that feeling of being a mom, especially when after 9 long months it finally happens. It wasn't the same with the other kids. It is like your first kiss. True Love.

Before I fall asleep these days, I say, "I miss Emma". Then I think of her, and fall asleep with a sigh. I must cry in my sleep sometimes, because I wake up feeling like I cried.

I wish I had dreams like they do in the movies. I rarely remember my dreams.

Anya though has been having dreams, and wakes up really mad. Saying that she wants Emerald. It is really hard for me. She seems just as po'd as I am when it happens.

Nothing really to contribute today. It just takes so much effort and I am just so tired... there is so much that I want to share, about Emerald. Who she was, how she was... I could probably go on and on and on. But you will have to live with my little bits and pieces for now. Someday, I may paint the whole picture that way.

Important stuff in the journal history. Please donate to Emily's relay page if you haven't already. She is to half her goal!!!

Soap still with Free shipping on orders over $20.00!!!

Lots of Love,
Kimberly

Thursday, August 4, 2005 3:08 PM CDT

Just adding to this post.

I put on a tank top that I had in my drawer, I hadn't worn any of them in a long time. So I pull out a white one and I put it on. It felt a bit funny on, I thought, it was just me. I was sitting here thinking, how this top was just too uncomfortable, and for some reason, I flashed back to the last time I had it out... Emerald had worn it, because she had gained weight from the steroids. I had shortened the straps for her with pins.

Sigh... see how these things just seep in? I never thought that I would be dealing with Emerald wearing my clothes again... Kind of excited that I had to oppertunity to be exasperated by how she had last worn one of my shirts.

I sure miss her.

Just feeling blah today...

Please check out the link to donate to Emily's Relay for Life event! Both Emerald and I would appreciate it... I am sure you will hear an ultrasonic scream from heaven if we can help Emily make her goal! ;) Emily's Relay Site

Emily is busy kicking cancer's butt... so let's support her while she supports the cause.

I am also having a sale with my soap business.

Free shipping on all orders over $20.00, for the next two weeks.

Free Shipping at Checkout!

Sorry for the two short posts. I do have plenty to say... but you know the saying... "if you don't have anything nice to say..." LOL

I wanted to also say to my Big Brother... Remember when we were talking about Emerald believing in reincarnation and you said, that you have a hard time with that because you wouldn't want to accidentally kill a loved one? Well, if they go from a human to a bug, the maybe we are just helping them "get to the next level..." when we kill them.

It is nice to know that I could help someone move up the ladder, reincarnation wise...

If I don't make sense.. it is OK, I am just being silly.

Thank you to those of you, who check on me and mine.

I appreciate it.

Kimberly

Monday, August 1, 2005 9:42 AM CDT

Last night we went to Shawn's parents for a bbq, it was Shawn's 35th birthday (he finally caught up to my age!)

So Happy Birthday, Shawn.

I have photography class tonight... The last in this series!

One of my daycare moms had a baby 4 weeks ago. This was her 3rd. The baby was born at 32 weeks. She is doing absolutely well, and her mom is hoping to go back to work soon. Which is great, because I really can use the money. She is only 5 lbs now, and just as cute as can be. I am kind of excited, even if it will be more work for me... :)

I read this quote today, and I am going to try to remember it all week...

Be master of your petty annoyances and conserve your energies for the big, worthwhile things. It isn't the mountain ahead that wears you out - it's the grain of sand in your shoe.
— Robert Service

Hopefully, next time I will have pictures to post. I have been a bit busy.

Be Well.

Love,
Kimberly

Wednesday, July 27, 2005 10:26 PM CDT

I just sent an email to Celeste's mom.. now I don't feel like writing... LOL It was long... and full of my stream of conscienceness!

Anyway, for those of you who have donated to Emily's Relay for Life page, I really appreciate it! She still needs more donations, so please if you have a couple extra bucks, please donate. She is to $145 and I would really like her to make her goal. :) Besides, I love seeing Emerald's name on the scrolling bar!

Two interesting things...

Anya brought me a heart shaped green Emerald "gem". It was loose just the gem. Plastic, but I couldn't find anywhere it came from. She insisted that it had something to do with Emerald, she doesn't understand emeralds are a stone. I asked her where she got it, and she said it was in her book. (I have no idea what book or what she is talking about.) She kept saying that it means "that Emerald loves me (her)." I put it aside on my desk and now it is gone, I can't find it anywhere.

Then my sister Keri told me a story... she said that this girl from her work told her that a girl (tall, skinny, blonde) who she thought was Emerald came to her in a dream. Well, Emerald isn't blonde. The girl thought about it, and said that the girl was about 13. Emerald was only 10. She said the girl told her that she knew Keri and Emerald... and the girl said that she knew that she was supposed to tell Keri that.

So Keri told me about it, and we came to the conclusion it was Cheyenne. Interestingly, I think that Em and Cheyenne had a connection. I mean, when she died, Emerald wasn't as heartbroken as I thought she would be. She asked of her family often, she was concerned about her parents getting along after she died, she tied that into my feelings after she might die... the same way I would ask her about what she would do in certain situations.

About 2 weeks ago, I pleaded with Emerald silently before bed, to please give me a sign. I know she told me she wouldn't... she didn't want to scare me... (LOL) so I think that this was her way of doing it. I am glad that she had that connection. I know that she isn't alone... I just know it. I can't explain it, because I am not a religious person, spiritual, yes... But to hear that someone who doesn't really know us, knew to tell us something, just is amazing.

The last couple of days have been rough.

Ian has been into everything.

He got into some pigment I had left on the counter. It could have been a bad situation, but instead.. it just made a mess. It all got cleaned up, and after calling poison control, Ian wasn't in any real danger... but I did take pictures...

The mess.









The culprit...







Ian trying to redeem himself. He was hanging on to my leg...



Poor kid!

Today he threw 20 bars of soap on the floor and broke an expensive glass 3 wick candle holder.. Sigh... and I was right there.. LOL

Then we have Anya.. who refuses to let me take anymore stupid pictures, even though, I am trying to perfect my indoor lighting...



I need a more willing model. Emerald didn't show this behavior until much later in life... LOL

Anyway, I hope you all have a wonderful evening and I will post again soon, hopefully!

Love,
Kimberly

Don't forget to donate... click this link!!!

Friday, July 22, 2005 4:02 PM CDT

The song I have been listening to lately... reminds me of Emerald and my dreams.


Vapour Trail-Ride
First you look so strong,
Then you fade away.
The sun will blind my eyes,
I love you anyway.
Thirsty for your smile,
I watch you for a while.
You are a vapour trail,
In a deep blue sky.

Tremble with a sigh,
Glitter in your eye.
You seem to come and go,
I never seem to know.
And all my time,
is yours as much as mine.
We never have enough,
Time to show our love.

My DJ friend Scott used to play this song every night we went out to the club he worked at. Scott died 3 years ago this month. This song now reminds me of both him and Emerald. She really liked him, we all went out to a haunted house together. It was Em's first time and she was a haunted house junkie after that.

I hope they are visiting lots of haunted houses... :)

Lots of love and I hope you have a great weekend.

Love,
Kimberly

PS (I would change it like suggested, but it took me a long time to get this one on there... I doubt I could do it again!)

Picture of Anya I took...

Thursday, July 21, 2005 12:01 AM CDT

Two year ago, I was pregnant with Pie. I had lots of daycare kids. Emerald and the other kids, Alexis and Jackie would play in the pool, along with Tristy and Aaron and they always had a great time. She would stay over at Alex and Jackie's house... and visit with Noelle. Her friend Grace would come over and play. It was a busy summer, my parents put up a deck for us and we spent a lot of time outside.

As I sit here today. In my super quiet house, because my two kids are playing or watching TV... I think of how different life would be if Emerald was here. Would she be taking Anya around the store looking at things, so Anya would be by herself? Would she be riding her bike with Noelle and Amber? Swimming every day? Getting ready to go to camp (like I made her do every year?)

Would she be making Pie giggle? Teaching him and Anya to swim? She was such a great sister. I have pictures of her looking at Anya when she was a baby with such proud joy in her face.

Life is so different now. When someone calls for daycare, if I mention that Emerald died, they never call back. I never had trouble getting daycare kids before. I can't exactly lie and not mention it. It is still too fresh and they need to know... if I didn't mention it... Anya would for sure. Perhaps I will just wait to get them in the door first. So they can see that my house is still filled love and joy for the kids.

Remember there is a link to Emily's Relay for Life event on the first journal in the history. We would love for you to make a donation in Emerald's memory and in Emily's own fight. Help us, help them raise money for a cure. No one needs to wake up to an empty house each morning when they can have and want a busy one with healthy 11 year olds...

Help Stop Cancer.

Kimberly

Friday, July 15, 2005 8:16 AM CDT

Yesterday, a bunch of us went to the beach (my sisters and my friend.) Boy, was it hot, my back is a bit pink from being out there so long, the kids had a blast as usual.

I have been thinking a lot lately about how the last two years has shaped me as a person. I am no longer the person I was. Like many of the other greiving parents I know, I have had to deal with some people, strangers and some family, that just don't "get it". In my situation, I have been told that I asked for advice and then disregarded it. And I did... and I do... and I always will. Just because someone asks for advice, doesn't seal the fate on what I planned to do. It gives me an idea on how someone else view the situation, and then I can make a choice from there. Sometimes I take it, sometimes I don't. But never is my decision a reflection on the advice giver. If I didn't trust or value their opinion, honestly, I wouldn't have asked in the first place.

The part that kind of makes me upset is that because I didn't take the advice, I am feeling put down. And obviously that is EXACTLY the message they want to give me. That is fine. I will be a better person and I will try to go on with my plans and do something for myself... BUT I think it is wrong and hurtful. Life is just too short and fragile to go around doing things out of spite.

I once read a quote that said..."I once had a garden filled with flowers that grew only on dark thoughts but they need constant attention and one day I decided I had better things to do." (this is from Brian Andreas)

I choose to live with that. The last year of my life has been one of extreme sorrow, and of extreme joy. It is through this loss that I realise my happiness. I didn't see it before. It doesn't come in material things. It comes in knowing that you have value and can love and be loved. Those who are truly blessed are the ones who can see that, instead of letting their material possessions define them. Emerald died. That doesn't change her love for me, or mine for her. Her love still hangs in my heart. Her love for life speaks in my words, and her happiness fills us all.

This is all about me. This journal is Emerald's and my story. The story about how love prevails, even though we are separated by a veil between our two worlds. If she knows me no longer, and there is a heaven... when I die she will know me. Not through the same way we did in this life, but she will know me. I believe my love for her is that strong. She will know me.

Here are the latest pictures from the beach!









This my friend Amy's son, Alexander.












This is Amy's daughter, Kelsey...


.........


Thank you to those of you who have donated to Emily's Relay page, she increased her goal, there is still time to donate, for those of you, who do not want to donate online, under the spot on the page where you start the donation process, there is a link you can click that will allow you to mail in your donation.

Emerald's friend Emily... from camp (she has leukemia)is doing a Relay for Life...



We would like to support Emily, so if you could help her, by making a small donation, we would really appreciate it. I know Emerald would appreciate it!

You can find her webpage by clicking HERE!

Sunday, July 10, 2005 10:37 PM CDT

Hello everyone!

We went to a baby shower for my cousin Holly today. She had the baby on Friday... a month early (everyone is OK)... so congratulations, Holly and Bob!

It was my mom's birthday on Saturday, so happy birthday, Mom!

Emerald's friend Emily... from camp (she has leukemia)is doing a Relay for Life...



We would like to support Emily, so if you could help her, by making a small donation, we would really appreciate it. I know Emerald would appreciate it!

You can find her webpage by clicking HERE!

Also wanted to thank those of you in Texas... the Wheeler family, and Roy and Donna Fiveash (Cheyenne's parents) for thinking of Emerald at their Relay for Life event. What a wonderful email to receive.

For those of you who have emailed and not gotten a response from me, I apologise. I appreciate the emails more than you know. It lets me know that people are out there and listening. To the other cancer parents who have emailed. I appreciate that also. I just can't seem to find the strength or the time to reply. I apologise and I hope that I can be better about that in the future. I have been crying a lot lately.

Today I realised that I had the first great grandchild. But two weeks after I had her, my grandma died. Now, Emerald has died, and... when I realised all that I started bawling. Unexpectedly in front of my relatives at the baby shower.... of course my sister, who is the queen of cracking jokes or lightening the mood looks at me and says..."I am not just saying this.. but your shoulders look TINY!" Through my tears I was cracking up. (She was referring to my weight loss 58 lbs now!)

This is the picture of the bag from the texas Relay for Life!!!



Here is a picture of Anya, Pie and Me and the Relay for Life we went to with my friend, Becky.



Which reminds me that I have to email Becky for another date for Cedar Point. I really want to go, and my friend, Amy (although after watching the kids last weekend may change her mind... ) says she will watch them while we go one day. I have a heck of a time finding a babysitter.

Anyway... I don't have much more to add, I hope you have a good week!

Kimberly

Wednesday, July 6, 2005 8:27 PM CDT

Happy Birthday to my niece, Cory! We love you!!!!! Emerald loved you. :)

<><><><><><><><><><><>


Just adding in Tristy to make me smile...



Today, I went to get my TB test, so I can renew my childcare license. I decided while I was at the health department to have them give Ian the rest of his shots, he was behind, because of Emerald and her chemotherapy.

So I was already nervous just from being in that environment. It makes me feel like I am going to throw up. I cry the whole time. I really started crying when they gave me the form that you had to check off boxes asking if anyone in the house had cancer or was taking chemotherapy... people were staring at me because I was crying, but I didn't care. If they wanted to know what my deal was, I would gladly tell them. Unfortunatly, statistically wise, someone there WILL understand completely... sometime in the future. It makes me mad, and sad. It makes me feel insignificant.

Ian did fine. Barely cried. He was mad that I was holding him down though. I didn't even feel them putting the needle under my skin. I could be dragged probably 2 blocks before it made any sort of impact on my brain. The nurse said I looked familiar. She said she new a kid that had died of a brain tumor in November, and guess what? That kid was Olivia... she said she met Wendy at the graduation for the 6th graders. Then she realised that she probably saw me on TV. Kind of weird.

I just feel so lost. I ache for her. I wake up sometimes and think Anya is Emerald.

I have a new friend, her name is Amy. She comes to visit me. She says she likes me even though she met me because Emerald is sick. I like that. I like her.

We took the kids to the amusement park the other day. Anya got to ride the rides and Ian-Pie was too short. He didn't mind once they gave him a balloon! After that, the kids went to the playground... where Keri went to school. It is odd, when I think of being kids and being so care-free. Who would have thought that I would experience this... Anyway, while the kids were playing, it occured to me that I vividly remember this age for Emerald. We had just moved from "the brown house", the apartment that she called it, and into my parents while the place we live was being prepared. And she was such a joy. Me and my mom would take her to the Dairy Queen. We would let her and her cousin play in the yard and run through the sprinklers. She loved Little Bear. She was such a great kid. Then we moved in here, and she had her own room... but she still slept with us.

I never finished reading Miss Piggle-Wiggle. I still have some books in perfect shape. Anya has me read them to her now. I feel like I am doing Emerald an injustice, but perhaps she can hear, too.

I feel like it was all still such a dream... and yet at the same time, like she isn't gone. This is NOTHING like when you lose a grandparent... or I imagine even another sibling or a parent. When you are a child you love your parents because you don't know any different.... but I remember when I first looked into Emerald's eyes, I loved her in such a different way. I suddenly realised how much my mom must have loved me when she first looked into my eyes. Nothing else matters. To have her gone, is like part of me died too. It did. She was part of me, and I her. She died because she had to. Her body couldn't stay alive any more. The part of me that died, was ripped out, when I wanted nothing more than to beg her to stay, but because I loved her so much I let her go.

Anyway, I am probably rambling... I just feel... too much.

Lots of Love...

Kimberly

Sunday, July 3, 2005 9:07 PM CDT

Well, yesterday I picked up Emerald's ashes from the funeral home. I cried all the way home. Last night I had a dream that I was talking to Cheyenne... not even Emerald... LOL I wish I could remember the conversation, but I don't. I remember more of how she moved and her facial expressions. It was kind of weird, because I didn't even remember it upon waking. It came like a flash to me when I was reading a book to Anya.

After that, we spent the afternoon with family at my parents house, and then to the fireworks later. It was the first time Jimmie and Sheila, were ever there, I hope they weren't too shocked by the bugs. Bugs are plentiful there. Most of their property is wetlands!

Anyway, I took pictures of the fireworks, I took some during the afternoon too, but I had the ISO set too high on my camera (duh!) and the pictures are grainy. Which is fine.... I just have to be more creative with them... LOL.

So I hope everyone has had a good holiday. Not certain what we have planned tomorrow... ;)



















I hope you have a great day tomorrow.

Kimberly

Saturday, July 2, 2005 9:56 AM CDT

I am going to pick up Emerald's ashes finally today.

I have more to add, but I will probably do it tomorrow.

Have a great day.

Kimberly

Tuesday, June 28, 2005 8:04 AM CDT

I never remember my dreams. Well, sometimes I do, but rarely. I remember having a dream of Emerald being gone. Completely disappeared. I knew she died, but I didn't know what happened. I know I posted about this before, it was before she was sick. It felt so real. Like it really happened. I woke crying. Then it did, and I knew that it happened first in my dream.

Yesterday, I had a dream. That she was really here. I don't remember enough of it, but it felt very real. Like I was actually IN it. Upon waking, in that place where you are still sleepy, but aware of your surroundings, I said to myself, "It is still June. We still have time to plan something." I meant taking a trip with her. I thought she was still here. I wish I remembered the dream better. What a shock to wake and find she had died, when only moments before she was alive and right there, talking to me. How bittersweet.

The day after Keri and Christian's party we took the kids the beach, it was a rough day preparing to go. I haven't been to the beach without Emerald in 11 years. I took my camera, so I could get some shots of the kids. They had fun. I will share them with you.

I had my photography class last night. Only 2 more classes until it is done. I plan to take the next one too. I am really enjoying it and I have learned a lot.


Keep in mind these pictures are Anya and NOT of a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit model.... ;) (for my mom, this first one is the "roar" picture.. ;) )










One of Ian-Pie.


Last one of Anya...


Enjoy and I hope your day is filled with lots of bright spots. :)

Kimberly

Monday, June 27, 2005 11:25 AM CDT

This weekend was pretty exciting for everyone, I spent the last month or so, keeping a secret and I did a really great job. If you are someone that felt they should have been invited to the surprise for Keri and Christian, then I apologise. I tried to get as many people as I could, but I am sure I miss people.

On Saturday my sister Keri and her boyfriend got engaged, I helped Christian plan the surprise, and boy was she ever.

We planned it so we would have "Shawn's birthday" at this Japanese Steak House, and Keri came with us. She thought Christian had to work.

Sorry for the blurry pictures, but my shutterspeed was too low for my flash not to go off... I fixed it later.

Keri after we just sat down.


During the proposal.


The place was cheering!


A kiss.


The happy couple.


We had a surprise engagement party for her after dinner. She thought we were going out to the clubs.






Anyway this was pretty exciting for our family. Things would have been better only if Emerald and Christian's Dad could have been there. His dad also died of a brain tumor... same tumor as Emerald's. I just know they were smiling.

I know Keri reads the guestbook, so if you would like to leave congratulations, it would be nice for them!

Thanks!

Kimberly

Wednesday, June 22, 2005 12:26 AM CDT

At any given point, I can think of Emerald. It is like a movie where you see lots of flashbacks.

Today for instance, I was thinking of taking the dog out. I was doing something else. When we had our other dog, Emerald had to take her out in the afternoons. We lived in a different house than we do now. She would get home from school, and she and two other daycare kids that I had, Jackie and Alexis would help her take Sophie out. Because I was downstairs working most of the day, Sophie always was REALLY excited to see Emerald. I could hear her go to the crate, open it, and you would hear the dogs paws on the floor, followed by the girls running behind her. To the door and outside.

Every day.

It seems impossible that she is gone. I had it in my mind when she was a baby that she might not make it out of babyhood. Sids, getting hit by a car (this happened to my cousin), drowning, abduction... whatever. All threats you think of when your child is small. Emerald was 8 when I had Anya. My focus shifted to Anie. Emerald helped me with everything. Absolutely everything. She was a treasure (most of the time.) I expect her to run in from outside, to hear her giggle, to watch her play chase with her friends... and she isn't here. It is a hard feeling to pin down. When I think of things she used to do, or what she would say now when I disipline the kids... How upset she was that she couldn't help me. Whe she made homemade paper for her science exhibit. I smile, most of the time, then I sigh. I feel like I am living a different life now. The one with me and Emerald is over.. and I long for it.

Anya had a bad reaction to something the other night and had to go the ER... then we rushed her to the doc again the next day. They think it is strawberries. She had a reaction to them, while she was on her steroid... (I thought I was finished with those things... ) I keep thinking how Emerald would be mothering her, with concern.

Just wanted to write today. Not much to update on. I miss that too.

Kimberly

Monday, June 20, 2005 2:33 PM CDT

I have photography class tonight. I sooo look forward to going. Not that I have made any strides in my pictures, just nice to get out of the house and learn something.

We spent the weekend with Shawn's parents, we all had a good time. It was nice to be with them. His step Dad turned 70, he doesn't seem 70. In fact, the guy at the place we ate, thought it was a joke and we were ribbing him. Nope, he is really 70!

I think the fact that there was a literally a black raincloud hanging over my home all last week, didn't help that I was upset about school being out.

Had some interesting conversations. What I find interesting is that 99 percent of the time people don't focus on everything I am saying. They focus on the 1 percent of negativity I am having. I challenge my own thinking. I can't be positive 100 percent of the time. It isn't even 99 percent. In fact, MOST of the time it is somewhere in between. I think about a lot of things people say. It helps expand my mind, but at the same time the more I hear, the more I wonder. Everyone has such a different view point, even amoungst people from a similar background or congregation or group. I find it so interesting and wonder why don't people see that? Why can't they understand that EVERYONE is different. Not just me and my thinking, but even people who think in my general area. Different is a good thing. Without different, we would be bored. Perhaps some like being bored, but my mind needs to think, needs to be challenged. Just because I also include grim possibilities doesn't mean that I am negative. It just means that I consider ALL OF IT. And you should also take heart in the fact, that I am probably never going to make a rash decision. They don't usually work out. Sometimes... but even amoungst those, it isn't just a spur of the moment decision, it just appears that way.

Anyway, here are some pictures of our weekend!

My sil and her baby!


My sil's parents! They are about the nicest people EVER!


Me and Shawn


Ian-Pie


Jimmie the birthday boy!


My mom!


My other sil's dad...


My sil and our mil... Anya and Ian-Pie's Nanu!


Debra and Ian-Pie


My toes


Delphium from my mom's garden, almost ready to bloom!


Rose from my mil's garden!


Enjoy and have a great day.

Kimberly

Friday, June 17, 2005 7:58 AM CDT

Today would have been Emerald's last day of 5th grade. She would have graduated elementary school.

Instead, I dropped my nephew off at school this morning and cried in the parking lot. I have been thinking about this whole thing. I feel torn, between my living children and the dead one.

2 years ago, if someone were to ask me what "having it all" meant. I would have thought it was running my soap business, my daycare, organising my children, my life. Now, it means something completely different. When I think of "having it all", I am constantly trying to figure out how I can be with all the kids... how I can honor Emerald and still love Anya and Ian. How I can still love myself. It has changed to a really simplistic problem. I guess, the simplisity comes from it being only one problem, the problem itself is more complex than trying to fit in chaperoning a field trip and also working....

Emerald was my first child. I have known her for 11 years. And out of all my children, I knew her the best. And now she is gone, and I wonder. Did I love her more? Perhaps my missing her so much clouds my love for the others. When Ian kisses my face all over and hugs me and smiles when I tickle him, I feel that intense love. When Anya, wakes up in the morning and gets up on my lap and hugs me and say.."you love me too mommy." I feel it then too.

I don't think of Emma being sick as much as I used to. It was so much of my world last year. On the way to drop off Tristan, I was thinking of all the Fridays we went to the oncology office. Getting all the kids ready, to fight traffic, and sit in the office, so Em could get poked. They were always happy to see us. Even when Anya and Ian were acting up. I miss it. I miss the lady who ran the little concession stand at the hospital. She watched Emerald go from being able to wheel herself, to use a walker and then walk, back to a wheelchair and now, she probably doesn't even know Emerald died. We just disappeared. We had no reason to go there when we came back from Baltimore. She would hug Emerald each week and check to see how we were doing, and compliment Em on her hair.

I don't want to call and ask, but if anyone at the school happens to have an extra t-shirt, the one that has Emerald's name on it... I would really like to have one. For some reason we were passed over.

My heart has been really heavy for the past 3 days. I don't understand grief... I can only give in to it.

Lots of Hugs.

Kimberly

Wednesday, June 15, 2005 4:54 PM CDT

Hello again!

I have been busy, with my soap, taking some pictures, the kids are always a challenge. Missing Emerald like mad.

I know a few people are waiting to hear of the dream that my friend had. I will post it in a minute. She sent it to me, and in my mind it is so real that I can taste it. How bizarre. I think about it all the time.

Anway...this is quoted from her.

I live in a busy townhouse complex. It is big with about 600 homes in it. Kids are all over here and it is quite wonderful. Anyway, on Sunday after I returned from church, I decided to plant some herbs. The weather was bordering on rain so I tried to hurry and get it done. While on my patio doing this herb business, I saw a little girl rummaging through my bushes. I did not see her clearly at all as my patio is fenced in. I looked up and saw a pair of eyes peering at me through my fence. There was a strange glare that I did not think much of. "Excuse me have you seen my cat? His name is Andy," the little girl asked me. I told her that I had not. I told her that I will not be outside much longer either and that she was welcome to keep looking in my shrubs. She stood for a few seconds and said that my herb plants smelled nice. I told her that they were oregano, parsley and basil. She said that she is sure that I will have a lot of luck with my herbs. I said that I hope so and she just vanished. I stood up and peaked over my fence and she was just gone which was pretty weird. I didn't think much more about it until that night when I was asleep.

I had this strange dream. Standing before me was your daughter Emerald with the same eyes that looked at me through my fence. She was standing with an unusual looking cat. It had the greenest eyes that I had ever seen, but that could be something that I imagined in my dream. She said "I found my cat. All of that parsley and basil and oregano that you planted will be good luck to lots of people. I am happy and okay, but can you send some to my mother when they are ready? She could use some good luck really badly." I remember just nodding my head yes and straining my eyes and hearing a faint "thank you from her". And that was it. I don't remember anything else.

---

I wanted to mention something.

I was talking to my mom the other day, and she mentioned that some of our family reads my journal still. I think it is great that they come here to support me in their thoughts. She said that it was too hard for them to come to Emerald's funeral. It is kind of a shame because I really looked for my family to be there, for me to lean on. Just seeing their faces and knowing that they were touched by Emerald and by my words meant a whole heck of a lot. In fact, it helped the healing process. To know that I wasn't alone. I don't know if you grieve for Emerald, for my loss unless I hear it. I know that people have sent cards and money (thank you... I still can't bring myself to send thank you's...) but having them physically there going through it with me meant the most, it is what stands out especially now.

Someone on my soap board had a nephew that died a few days ago of cancer. She was thinking of not going to the funeral because she couldn't handle it, she said. I encouraged her to go. I understand that it is hard. But the regret of not going, is much worse than the worst that could happen by going. If that makes any sense. I understand why some of my family "couldn't" come. I but handled it. I even spoke. I wish more people would have shared their experiences with Emerald. In fact, if you would like to write them down and send them to me, I would like to keep them.

I miss her. This experience has been difficult, but I am still here, and I am still missing her, and I am living and reasonably happy.

Please don't think I am trying to say that I am mad that some couldn't come. I am not. I just wanted to use this as a tool to help people understand that perhaps when you think that you can't handle it the most, that is exactly the time when you should go. Mourning with me would have helped ease my burden of lonliness.... I hope this makes sense.

I love everyone who thought about me and wanted to be there but couldn't. I love all that showed up, and all that wanted to. :)

Well, I will end this with some pictures.. thank you for the compliments...

Three more from the butterfly release...







And some flowers. :)





And the clouds yesterday :) The darkness was taking over...

Friday, June 10, 2005 2:55 PM CDT

Hi everyone!

I have pictures from Emerald's butterfly release, there aren't a whole lot, it was hard to get pictures, the kids were spread out and it was HOT!

I had an interesting conversation with Anya... regarding Emerald. I am going to cut and paste what I posted to my soap board.

For the last month or so, when I would mention something about missing Emerald and her not being at home, she would say... "Emerald's at home now." She says this almost every day.

For those of you who don't know... we are not religious, so she isn't getting it from a Christian kind of attitute where she is home with God, because honestly we don't say that, no one around us does.

So yesterday, we are sitting outside on the swing, Pie was sleeping and she was telling me that "Emerald was home." "Emerald is a bubble bee now." "Emerald is a cloud." Add this too how every night she points to the stars and says that those are all Emerald.

Finally I asked her... "Who told you Emerald was home?" We would keep things very clear, "Emerald died of cancer." That was all we would say.

She looked at me, and said, "My teacher told me that Emerald was home, she is Emerald's teacher too." I said, thinking she has lost her little mind, "So what is your teacher's name?" She looks at me and says without hesitating..."Agnus."

Agnus? Where on earth could she have gotten that from? I am just baffled beyond words.



She also drew a picture of Agnus, he is on the right. Anya is in the middle, a butterfly house on the left, orange/red circle is apple juice, green circle below her "bug juice". The blue circle below her teacher is Ian-pie. Her teacher is surronded by a blue or purple haze and beyond that, alhough you can't see it in the picture is white crayon drawn all around.



Anyway, just wanted to share this with you. I also had someone email me a fantastic dream/really happened story that involved Emerald. I will share that next time.

Here are the pictures from the butterfly release, it is quite possible that some are missing, it was really hard to figure out which I uploaded to the server. :)











































I will add whatever I am missing as soon as I figure it out...

Love,

Kimberly

Monday, June 6, 2005 8:56 AM CDT

Good morning.

Today at 2 pm, Emerald's school is planting a tree in her honor.



On the 9th, I think around 1 pm. we are having a butterfly celebration for Emerald with all of the 5th graders at Carkenord! I am pretty excited!

I try hard to explain what this feels like. Most of the time, I live in a state where my head knows that Emerald is physically gone, but I don't "feel" it. When I am driving down the street and suddenly, I think, "no matter how long I wait to go to the beach, Emerald is never going to be able to come with us..." I FEEL it. In that moment, I just want to die. I do a lot of thinking while I drive Blitzy to his class. I have my kids here and I have Emerald somewhere else. I can choose to do either at this point (until the choice is taken away.) Emerald selflessly wanted me to stay and be a mom, her mom, to Anya and Ian. So I am trying my best to do that, she knew that she had to move on, on her own. Some moments it is very hard. I miss her like mad. Some days it is like a slap in the face... HOW CAN THIS BE TRUE?? I miss having a 10 year old. I loved every age, and each year I would tell her to stop growing. (I wasn't serious, Emerald... LOL) I miss our talks, I miss our giggles. She was one heck of kid. She was a shining star.

I remember when Anya was born, I would come home from Andrea's, with Anya and Emerald, and I would leave Anya in the car seat while I took care of a few things. Emerald would take Anya out and when I would get done I would see her snuggling with Anya on the couch. We would go to bed. Shawn didn't live with us at the time. And we would all sleep in my bed. We slept that way the day she died. Em, Anya and me. All together. Anyway, she would startle herself awake like a new parent making sure that Anya was still breathing. It would wake me up, and I just knew that she was going to be a wonderful parent someday. Until I had Anya, she didn't even want to have kids.

Blitzen is doing well, he won best trick at our clicker class, and he is really coming alone as far as his training is concerned.

Keri goes to the doctor today, let's hope that her arm is healed and healing properly. My sil had her back surgery and so far she is doing well. Best wishes Becky!

I took a couple of photos this weekend... we were at Keri's boyfriend's sister's graduation party! LOL







And this is of the happy graduate!



And Keri and Christian... although not entirely in focus!



Enjoy!

Most soap orders will be going out in the next 24 hours. :)

Thanks!

Love and Lots of Hugs,
Kimberly

Thursday, June 2, 2005 7:33 PM CDT

Just a quick little update on me! I have lost 46 lbs since January! :)

<><><><><><>

There is a link to the cherry lemonade soap in yesterday's journal.

Today has been one of "those" days for me. Every so often I get that sinking feeling. It doesn't catch me as off gaurd anymore. Not less profound, just that I am expecting it more now.

Tristan told me that he had a dream that him and Emma were holding hands and they were flying. When they were done, she told him, "thanks for letting me fly with you." It meant a lot to him. He also mentioned that he made a wish on a dandylion and it hasn't come true yet. The wish was that Emerald would come back. We went to the mall for a little bit, and he is just so sensitive. Walking past the carosal he asked if they could ride. I start thinking of our Make a Wish trip and start crying. He asked if it was reminding me of Emerald too much. Later while they were eating ice cream, there was some people talking on a microphone. He said..."No one talks about Emerald getting cancer and dying loud like that." He had a look of disgust on his face. He thinks that what they were talking about (a model search) wasn't important, and he can't for the life of him figure out why everyone doesn't think us losing Emerald is important. Yell it from the roof tops. WE ARE MAD. PLEASE HELP STOP CANCER.

After that, the kids started running from jewelry store to jewelry store, in search of Emeralds. It was cute, but then I would have to explain... sigh... probably why I am a little down.

They are pretty cute and sensitive kids. I guess with time, I see that I am not grieving alone. They also grieve. Just grasping what has happened is really difficult for a little kid. Shoot it is difficult for us, as adults.

Please keep our friend Ellen in your thoughts. Apparently, she is having some problems. For those of you who were at the benefit, Ellen is the lady who wrote the poem and said it aloud there. I hope you get well soon Ellen. We miss you.

Also, keep in your thoughts my cousin and her mom. My Great Aunt Mary passed away. Her service is tomorrow.

For those of you who pray, please keep my sister, Keri in your prayers, that her hand heals perfectly and she can get back to the business of working. It has been a rough year for all of us.

Lastly, my sil, Becky is having surgery on her back. Please pray that she heals quickly and the surgery goes well.

Lots of Love,

Kimberly

Wednesday, June 1, 2005 6:23 AM CDT

To order Cherry Lemonade Soap click here! Picture will be coming soon!

Later today, I will be adding a new flavor lemonade soap that will be available for the next three months. Cherry Lemonade. I should have a link for it up in the next 24 hours!

I wanted to thank everyone who has offered their support in the past couple days and thanks to those of you, who continue to always support and respect me and my journey.

Shawn and I spent Memorial day landscaping our front yard. We are putting in a little retaining wall, and I put those lilies on either side with a little metal fence across the front of that. It looks nice (if I do say so myself!)

In the last couple days, Em's death is hitting me again. I feel like it hits me in the gut sometimes. Yesterday morning, Anya stated, very sternly, I might add, "I want Emma to come back!" I just started crying and said, "Me, too." I think of last year, and how we had just started chemo. I say we, because, Emerald taking the chemo and me giving it to her, were almost equally hard. Feeding your child poison on purpose... when the bottle says to NOT get this on your hands, took me months to get over.

I have never been this profoundly sad in my whole life. I have never grieved such a loss. For years it was just me and Em. Rene worked from a lot. He was a resterant manager, so he was gone often. She and I hung out together, she kept me company. We shopped, we played, we watched tv. We talked. We did everything together. I want to buy the kids a little swimming pool, but it reminds me of driving to toys r us and getting Emerald one. When I have Anya and Ian with me, I think sometimes that they are getting a raw deal. That my grief is somehow overshadowing the love I feel for them. It may be at times. But, it hasn't stopped their love for me. I want them to learn that you can grieve be profoundly sad, and still somewhat happy at the same time. They bring such JOY... it comes with a bit of MAYHEM as well, but the happiness is definitely there.

I read in the little newsletter that hospice sent out, that people who are beginning to heal from such a huge loss start to see the happiness in their lives as profoundly as they saw the sadness. I can understand this.

I can also understand why people say that around 4 months is so hard... we are almost to 3 now... but it really hits you, that they are NEVER coming back. My time here with Emerald is through. I will never stop loving her, I will never stop being her mom. And she will never stop teaching me things.

I miss her with all my being. The kids miss her. Her birth was a defining moment in my life. The day I became a mom, I knew that above all things, I needed no one in life to get by. I would and could do it myself. That tiny baby depended on me, and I wasn't going to let her down. I set up my whole life around her. My career, my sleep schedule, what I allotted my money for. How I thought, who I voted for, what I believed... Now that she is gone, I find it strange. I mean, certainly, I can still use these things for Anya and Ian. In fact, she wanted Anya and Ian almost as much as I did. But I feel like I am disrepecting her somehow. It just hurts my heart. I miss her.

A couple pictures...

My mom and Ian.



I took this picture, but a friend enhanced it for me. :) Thanks Cathy!



And from my mom's garden



Lots of Love,
Kimberly

Sunday, May 29, 2005 7:05 PM CDT

To the "family member" who is stirring the pot. If your behavior doesn't cease and desist immediately, I will be sure to make public exactly who and how it was that I was told not to show up to Emerald's funeral. My religious beliefs are none of your business... my past business with the family is long over and to be perfectly honest, my only regret about the situation is that Emerald is gone.

I have spoken to Rene this evening and we are an united front on the subject. Maybe you should give him a call and ask him personally what he thinks of the situation. I am absolutely livid that this would continue after all this time. Please stop. It is making grieving for MY daughter all the harder. I would prefer to focus on the nice stuff and leave and ignore the bad. But if I am forced into a cornor, you can bet your bottom that I will stand up for myself.

Sorry to those of you who are now witness to this stupid drama.

Back to your regularly scheduled program.

Checking in today.

The word of the week... Busy. I guess I have always been that way. Before cancer, during it and now. I just like to be busy.

I have had a couple emails that are telling me that my posts are troubling, because of my lack of religion... To be perfectly honest. My religion or lack there of... is between me and god. It is great if someone is concerned, but at the same time, this journey is mine and mine alone. Telling a grieving parent that they need to find Jesus before it is too late, or they won't see Emerald ever again.. is troubling in itself. If Jesus is the way to god, then the truth itself will be able to hold its own. It doesn't need to threaten or scare people into believing. I don't think that using Emerald to get me to see "the way" is going to change who I am inside. If I chose to believe or not believe it would have to be with a pure heart. Not a scared or worried one. And as far as I can tell, there is no time limit. It is all about free will.

I honestly just don't know. And that is between me and well, whatever I believe in... certainly god knows my story and understands me more than someone who might only have just been introduced to our story recently. So please, don't take offense, but I need to walk the road, this particular road... in my own time.

Thank you for all of you who have commented on my photos. I am really excited about this class. The more control I have over my camera the better things will be, I bet, and I am really stoked to have the chance to learn.

Tristan keeps asking for "the lady that helps clean our house" LOL So Ellen, if you are reading, there is a little blond boy pining for you over here, he keeps asking if you are back from Disney!

Well, I am going to leave you with some more of my pictures. I took some at my parent's place this weekend. I think they came out pretty nice.











Lots of Love,

Kimberly

Monday, May 23, 2005 9:51 PM CDT

When I lie down with Anya at night, and hold her close... I think about all the times, that I was afraid for Emerald. The times she was afraid during a storm. How I would get that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach when she would cross the street without paying too close attention. That close call in the car. Riding with a helmet. All of those things and more of those things. Keeping her safe was a priority. It was also an illusion. There is only so much I can do. I feel so powerless in that regard. I can't keep them safe. I can't make them be happy. I really have no control over anything except my reaction to situations. It took me 35 years to learn that.

As I get used to Emerald not being here with me physically... things are getting a bit better around our house. I am finding it easier to keep things cleaned up... Most days. I have more energy to spend on the kids. I laugh just as much... but for different reasons. I still miss her more than anything. I hope Anya and Ian don't think I love Emerald, more... I don't. I love them all... I just miss Emerald so much.

My heart still aches for her. I went into her closet and begged God, the higher power.. Nature... WHATEVER... for the last time to please make this some huge elaborate dream. I still can't believe this has happened to my family.

I start photography class on 6/6. Should be fun and distracting.

Oh and I lost the key to my home mailbox... LOL I finally got the mail today, from the mail lady... and realised that I missed Nikita's birthday party. OMG! Happy Birthday, Nikita!!!

I am swamped with soap orders... all of a sudden... they come in waves, LOL So I am getting them out as fast as I can!

I have a couple pictures to share. Shawn bought me a new lens for my birthday, and I was playing with it...

Here is a flower from one of my flower pots!


Emerald's cat.. who spends so much time in her room, it weirds me out... LOL


Ian and his dirty face!


Thank you to everyone who wished me a happy birthday! And thank you to the lady on the gardening list for all the tiger lily plants and hostas and the other plants too! We have most of it planted... Hopefully the rest will be planted tomorrow. It rained most of today!

:)

Lots of Love,

Kimberly

Friday, May 20, 2005 11:25 AM CDT

Just wanted to say hello to everyone.

I have been a bit busy, I keep wanting to update, but sometimes it just seems like SOOO much effort.

Rene is grateful for all the information you have for him. I am going to print off what I can, he doesn't have internet access.

Tomorrow is my 35th birthday. I keep saying that I am half way to 70!

Things are going OK over here. I guess. I just am not in the mood to "let it out" right now... it seems like things hit me every week or two. I get upset, then it gets a bit better, then I am upset again.

I miss her like always. I talk about her constantly. The kids mention her. Everything seems OK, except for Emerald is dead. Which is huge, right?

Anyway, I hope everyone is having a good day, and the weekend is also good.

I will try to update soon.

Thank you for your soap orders! I really appreciate that some of you keep coming back for more!

ALSO... thank you to Monica Jordan... this is Trevor's big sister, for the wonderful flowers. Emerald would be really happy that people are taking care of me.

Lots of Love,
Kimberly

Monday, May 16, 2005 11:41 AM CDT

In Emerald’s Eyes
Laura Compton

The eyes of every child
Strike such love and purity
Wisdom to be found
A profound source of security

In Emerald’s eyes
The world no longer seemed small
A passion to bring smiles
A heart that longed to reach all

She loved to laugh
To play, to run
She loved summer days
Basking in the sun

In Emerald’s eyes
The world did not seem so bleak
For if hope were missing
Tranquility she would seek

With Emerald’s eyes
The world could be changed
With Emerald’s smiles
Your frown was re-arranged

Years too soon
She had to depart
But Emerald’s eyes
Will always be in your heart

This was written by a fellow soapers daughter, for me. Thank you, Laura. I appreciate it!

I am feeling OK for the moment. I have been making soap... and packing orders, and cleaning up after Anya and Ian... which a job by itself... LOL Keeping busy. Every now and again, I start thinking about Emerald and it over takes me at the moment, which is fine. Sometimes it catches me off guard. Like when I am laying in bed, and I am just about to fall asleep... and I start thinking of the night Emerald died. Then it all comes rushing back and takes my breath away.

She was the person I did everything with. We shopped, we played, we talked. She was so much more to me than me being her mom.

Tristan overheard me say that I wish it had been me rather than Em. He asked me about it later. He said that he I shouldn't say that, because if I was gone, people, including Emerald would be just as sad we are now. "Plus, who would watch us?" LOL

Rene came over the other day... he really needs some counceling. He wants it. He tried calling the hospice people but, the guy only calls him once in a while. Never when he says he will... and Rene is getting frustrated. They haven't called me either... sometimes I think I am missing out on something by their not calling, but perhaps not. I am not ready, or do I think it would help so much to talk to someone anyway. I talk to a lot of people online, other grieving parents by phone, and other brain tumor parents by phone too. If I need someone, I have people standing by in 5 countries waiting to listen. I just wish someone would help Rene out. He feels so lost. He asked if he could take Anya out the other day. I think it would be great. She and Ian should get to know Emerald's daddy. He is the other part of Emerald that I don't have to share.

I really want to go to Cedar Point. I wanted to go with Em. It was on my list of things to do this year, but as she can't go... I want to go myself... or with my sister or Shawn or even Rene. Maybe a group would like to meet up there... for a day or two. Email me if interested.

I want to thank those of you who continue to buy soap. It is a great thing for me. There are a couple people that I have overlooked with responding about soap orders. I apologise. I have 500 emails, that I am either saving or have intentions of responding to, if I haven't emailed you back, please email me again... it is an oversite on my part.

Well, that is it for today. Nothing exciting, I kind of like it that way.

Love,
Kimberly.

I am going to add a couple pictures. Not my best work... LMAO, but cute.

This is the cat, thinking he has to tame the dog... LOL


This Anya and Ian sleeping in my bed...


And finally, Ian... after I couldn't find him. I thought he was sleeping on the floor, but apparently he got up!

Thursday, May 12, 2005 8:44 PM CDT

PPS... I added a couple more gift baskets. Sorry there haven't been more, I have been busy.

PS... Yes, Debbie, Emerald's eyes were blue until she was an older kid. I have pictures of her with blue eyes until she was 4. Then one day she kept insisting they were green... and she was right!

Talking with Anya in the car the other day. She was playing with a pony she got on a trip to Baltimore.

Anya- "I have a pony!"

Me- "What is your pony's name?"

Anya- "Pony!"

Me- (Duh)

Anya- "Pony has a sister. She died!"

Me- "Oh NO! Of what?"

Anya- In a sad voice..."Of cancer."

Me- "Oh that is terrible!"

Anya- "She is still a happy pony though."

So I guess Anya is still happy! That is good to hear. Also, Ian is back to giving lots of kisses.. thank goodness. I missed them.

I scanned in a couple of pictures of Em when she was a baby. She looks a lot like Ian. Much more so than Anya does. Even Rene said that Ian looks like Emerald. I have some baby pictures of Em that people can't tell if it is Ian or Emerald...

I will post both of them, so you can see!








Whoa! I got carried away.

I have been a bit depressed lately.. (ya think?) It has been difficult to organise my thoughts into anything that makes sense.

I feel like some people expect me to eventually "get over" Emerald's death. I don't even think that is possible. How could I? Like I keep saying... you don't get over their birth. You celebrate that every year. Every day even. After the 4th year, you don't think... hmmm... we already had 4 of these... isn't that enough already? Aren't you over it yet? Certainly when you get to be my age (35) you start to think that maybe people SHOULD be over their birthdays, but we continue to celebrate. Dying is as big a deal, or bigger than being born. It isn't just a spark of a future. It is the future already unfolded. We see the conclusion. Why should we get over it? I guess this is life according to me... LOL

I think a lot about what happens next with life. Talking with someone today, I was told that people say things trying to comfort, but a lot of times, they just say the wrong things. I appreciate that. Because Emerald died, I ponder life and death so much more than a parent that hasn't had to visit this chapter in life. It isn't just about believing in heaven or not. There are so many more questions than that. Say you choose to believe in heaven, what really happens then? I have spent a good deal of time thinking of all the possiblities...in every direction, and yet, I still don't know. I can't firmly say one way or the other. Life's mystery. Emerald and Melody's secret or surprise... someday we will all find out. Some day... one way or another it won't hurt anymore, because we too, will find the secret. Heaven or no heaven... life here as we know it will cease to be for us.

Emerald's friend, Trevor from school emails me sometimes. He is a sweet kid. I honestly miss having a child that age. They are delightful to watch the spark of adultness with their innocence. He wrote a biography about Em. He has decorated a wall in his room with Emerald pictures and stuff about her. He wrote a poem about her, and I am going to share it here... :)

My Gem
there was a lady,
was my true love.
Then I heard,
she went to above.
her cancer struck her breath,
and heart.
now I have a broken heart.

OK, so it makes me cry to read it. It is very sweet and sad. Trevor is quite a kid. He reaches out to me in my times of sadness, asking if I ever need to talk. His parent should be proud.

I am sure I had more to say. (But haven't I said enough already? LOL)

I will write more. The next few journals will probably be a bunch of rambling mess. I just have a lot of thoughts in my head. I miss her so much. I say things sometimes that scare people. No, I am not suicidal. I don't want to die. I just don't want to live right now.

Thank you to Emerald's Angel Penny! The bracelet and earrings are gorgeous. She sent them for Mother's Day. It was a wonderful, thoughtful gift. I was so surprised when the USPS man came. We never get overnighted mail anymore since Emerald passed and when we did it was from Penny... so it was nice to feel that excitement again!

Lots of Love, and more later...

Kimberly

Tuesday, May 10, 2005 8:15 AM CDT

I was sent a link to another child's caringbridge page. With the no links rule... I am going to say that this child is in illinois and his name is Rory... in case you would like to check his site.

I also asked his dad if I could quote some of his post, because I think that it is important information, and I think that a few people will be be helped by this information. It has helped me personally in dealing with other people not dealing with me, with my way of mourning. I am going to print the entire post, because he put it in a way that I don't think I could say better, and in its continuity, I think the entire article is important, in explaining this experience.

So here is my non post of posts... totally someone else's post. :) In the next day or two I will post again, with my words, but I wanted to share this with you.

Hugs,
Kimberly

Wednesday, May 4, 2005 1:08 PM CDT

I'm finding my way back to sanity, again
Though I don't really know what
I am gonna do when I get there
Take a breath and hold on tight
Spin around one more time
And gracefully fall back in the arms of grace

Emerald was so graceful in the way that she handled herself. She always took the high road. She didn't let herself get upset about all the kids she knew that had died, or were going to die, she just looked for a way to acclaimate them into her person. How am I going to get back to feeling OK? I just want to take her and run away. But I can't. Because she is gone.



I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside Heaven's door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be

"If you have to go, you could always take me with you.." "No mom, you have to stay, for Anya and Ian... I don't know how they would get by without you... I don't know how I am going to get by without you... " Me neither, sweet girl. As much as I missed Anya and Ian when we were in Baltimore, I miss you as much. I want you all with me. I want to take you to the movies, or let you order pay-per-view movies until I can't afford my bill...



I am looking past the shadows
Of my mind into the truth and
I'm trying to identify
The voices in my head
God, which one's you?
Let me feel one more time
What it feels like to feel
And break these calluses off me
One more time

I still hear you in the mornings... I can still feel the warmth of your forhead on my lips... your arms around my waist. I can feel you putting your hand behind my back and your feet under my legs when you are tired and trying to stay awake. I can hear you laugh when Shawn and I joke around... you giggling at something funny that Anya and Ian do.



'Cause I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside your door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be

I go into your room sometimes and wish you were there to play with your stuff. I am going to buy furniture for the Bratz house, because I know you would want Anya to have it when she is older and can appreciate it. I can't believe you were just here... that just two years ago, we were trapsing around looking for a bigger pool. Oh how you loved to swim... I wish we could have done that more often.



I don't want a thing from you
Bet you're tired of me waiting
For the scraps to fall
Off your table to the ground
I just want to be here now

I don't need signs that you are with me. I know you are in my heart for always. You were the best thing that ever happened to me. You made me a mom. I wish I could watch you share that joy with your daughter... what a great and wonderful mom you would be.



I love you, princess.

I posted pictures in an album that is password protected. It is of after she died, and one from her service. If anyone would like to see them, please email me and I will send you the password.

Emerald

Tuesday, May 3, 2005 9:55 PM CDT

I just wanted to thank everyone for their guestbook messages. I am sorry if I offended anyone with what I said. I don't mean that I don't want messages, and that I don't want to hear it. I just want you to understand where I am.

I received this poem from my friend Ashley. She and her husband and daughter met us in Baltimore. She took some pictures and I am going to post those also, Emerald looked so happy. I know she was excited about the surgery, for the CHANCE to beat this.

My Mom is a Survivor

My Mom is a survivor,
Or so I've heard it said.
But I can hear her crying
When all others are in bed.
I watch her lay awake at night
And go to hold her hand.
She doesn't know I'm with her
To help her understand.
But like the sands upon the beach
That never wash away...
I watch over my surviving Mom,
Who thinks of me each day.
She wears a smile for others...
A smile of disguise.
But through heaven's open door
I see tears flowing from her eyes.
My Mom tries to cope with my death
To keep my memory alive.
But anyone who knows her
Knows it's her way to survive.
As I watch over my surviving Mom
Through heaven's open door...
I try to tell her
Angels protect me forevermore.
I know that doesn't help her...
Or ease the burden she bares.
So if you get a chance,talk to her...
And show her that you care.
For no matter what she says...
No matter what she feels.
My surviving Mom has a broken heart
That time won't ever heal.


Here are the pictures, some look the same kind of... but they are so how she was. That gorgeous little face. And the little girl is my friend Ashley's little one. Makenzie. Shoot, I don't even know if I spelled her name right... sorry Ashley.

Sunday, May 1, 2005 12:23 AM CDT

I am getting tired of whining about Emerald. It is really hard to believe that she is never going to grow up. I sit here thinking how if there is something after this.. it won't be the same... how could it. If we are reunited again... I can't even fathom what it will be like... and in one regard... Who cares? She and I are missing out on her having a boyfriend, graduating from college, getting married, having children... it is so very different with a child than another relative. If I think of some day seeing my granny again, then OK. I can find comfort in that. We didn't see each other all the time, she didn't live with me. I can handle that. She knew me as an adult. For me to think of seeing Emerald when I die... anytime from now until the next 35 years. It isn't OK. She never lived ANYWHERE without me.

I don't even know if that makes sense. I think about all the guestbook messages. How people really try to say something comforting... in one regard, I don't want to be comforted. I JUST WANT MY BABY BACK. That is all I want. Some moments I don't even want to be a mom to anyone without her, and other moments I am OK. One second I wish for death for myself, and the next I would do anything to live, instead of just existing like I am.

This morning has been really hard. My birthday is in 21 days. What if I live to be 70? How can I live for 35 more years without her? Mother's Day is next Sunday... I promised her that this year we would stay home and spend it together. I wish I would have stayed home last year, I wish I would have been selfish. We were supposed to go to this little mary's cottage place this summer. And go to Mackinac Island again. We were really looking forward to it. I never thought last year that we wouldn't have through the summer at least before she might take a turn for the worst. I thought (and so did everyone we knew) that we had more time. I feel like it was stolen from me, and honestly, it was never mine to begin with.

This morning, I realised that I don't have to worry about getting up 4 times during the night, I don't have to worry about dragging Anya and Ian... and figuring out how to fit everything in the car. I don't have to help Emerald go potty. I miss it all so much. I miss all the crappy things I had to do. I would take the physically harder instead of this emotionally harder stuff.

My friend Cary, has some ebay auctions the proceeds go to support brain tumor awareness week. Click here for auctions Please check them out.

Still working on orders... thankfully they keep coming in. Gives me lots to do. I appreciate it.

No one has really come to visit me. I guess, if I really think about it. I kept asking for people to come and play with Emerald, and the other kids so I could clean and stuff, and no one really came then either. I think that at first people thought that Emerald would beat this. She was recovering so well. This time last year, she could lift up her arm to more than 90 degrees. It was fantastic. I got that hug that I thought I wasn't going to get ever again. She was getting around more even though PT kept saying she shouldn't be walking without assistance. She went moved forward physically so much faster when I let her do things on her own... so I didn't listen (bad mom, I know.) Anyway, no one really thought that I would be HERE either. People came when we found out that Emerald was going to die. But after she died, they left. It is HARDER to live now, than it was to live watching her die. At least I had her to hold my hand, love me and kiss me. Now, I only have moments where I can almost feel it.

Thanks for checking in.... Congrats to Sam on his good results. No tumor. I think that is about the best news ever.

Lots of Love,
Kimberly

Wednesday, April 27, 2005 7:22 PM CDT

Last night after we found out that Nichole had passed, I was a bit upset. I have watched Nichole through her mother's words, be such a brave soul. She graduated collage, she knitted wonderful scarves... she moved on regardless of the tumor. I thought she was doing pretty well, her mom had said she was having some issues with little seizures... I wasn't sure what to make of that. And then quickly, just like Emerald, the beast took her over. Why? Her mom did everything she could for her, took her to different doctors, never gave up, she had her taking suppliments, and looked into everything possible. I always thought maybe that was why she was doing so well, because I didn't do the suppliments. But, it seems that no matter what we do, these tumors take over and take away those we love. I am so sorry, Joyce.

So, just before bed, I decided... I decided that God was going to fix this. That tomorrow I would wake up and this was all just a bad dream. I must have dreamed that this was so, because when I woke up for a few minutes, I was almost convinced that I could hear Emerald. I don't remember what I dreamed, but it must have been really peaceful, because I woke up in a much different spot. I still believe that it doesn't work the way that some religions tell us. It can't. God knew I meant business... he knew that I wanted my Emerald back. Please don't think I need a religious lecture. I don't. I just believe differently than most people. My motto is... Those that are searching are not always lost. I will find my way, regardless of God, no God... or whatever... I will find it. The loss of Emerald strengthened my faith in someone important... Me.

A friend on my soap board... Fantastic Group of people over there... posted this poem for my friend, Candra, today. Candra's mom passed away in her sleep a couple days ago... :( I really liked it, so I thought I would share it here... It seems to suit Em to a T.

She is Gone
By Anonymous

You can shed tears that she is gone
or you can smile because she has lived.

You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back
or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see her
or you can be full of the love you shared.

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember her and only that she's gone
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.

You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back
or you can do what she'd want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

I miss her so much. The kids miss her. I can still hear her laugh.

I have a few more giftbaskets on the giftbasket page. If there is something you might like to see, email me and I will see what I can do!

Gift basket page

Making soap and doing this keeps me from crying all day long, I am convinced of it. I cry... maybe a few tears get into the soap once in a while... have you ever seen the movie Like Water For Chocolate?? I am working on a soap to donate to brain tumor research. It will be chocolate scented, because Emerald really wanted me to make a chocolate soap after our friend from the soap dish, Fudge, scent us a bar last year. I have made it in the past, in fact, there may be a bar still hidden in her room from when she was a normal kid. She was an odd child, hated chocolate, but loved chocolate soap!

Anyway, I am going to stop rambling... I left the link to the pictures and to Kyle Relay for Life event. I need Emily's Relay page, too. If you guys are reading this please email me with the link.

I also have something planned in November... to raise money for cancer research. I am not giving out the details yet... but let me give you a teaser, Shawn's mom offered to donate if I DON'T do it... LOL Maybe I should have two funds and the one that makes the most money will win! We shall see!

Thanks to those of you, who have sent donations, who have sent gifts (the ups man doesn't stop here nearly as often as when Emerald was here... ), who have stopped over (it seems that when Emerald left she also took all the company away... ) and those who check in on us here. I appreciate everything. You are all wonderful.

Hugs,
Kimberly

I also keep forgetting to thank, Sam Ihm's mom... Thank you so much for the butterflies.. they are just perfect. Your words have really helped me... even if I don't get to writing back... I have this problem with Everyone lately... so don't think my intentions are not to email back!!! XOXOX

Tuesday, April 26, 2005 11:12 AM CDT

I wanted to ask for prayers for my friend Joyce. Her daughter, Nichole passed away this afternoon of a spinal tumor, very similar to Emerald's. Now Emerald has a big, big sister up there helping her learn how to be an angel... because Nichole was one here also.

Figured it was time for an update...

I also, have a couple gift baskets available on the giftbasket page of the soap site. They are available through ebay at this time. If you would like to purchase one and you don't have an ebay account. Please let me know... and watch for more baskets! Thanks!

Don't want to lose the link to the birthday pictures, if you haven't seen them... take a peek... Shelley's photography

Here is a link to the new Relay for Life event that I am supporting. Check it out and donate if you can...Kyle's Relay This is a child that lives near us and we went to camp with.

I was having an OK morning until I got the call from the place that own Emerald's wheelchair. They are coming to pick it up. It has been in my trunk since the day we went to Emerald's party at school. So I went out to get it out of the trunk... and bring it into the house. Anya looks at me and says, "Yea! You got it back!" I think she thought that I finally got Emerald back, because she has had this wheelchair most of Anya's life. She was talking of her last night. I don't know exactly what she was saying about her, but she was talking about her a lot.

Then there are the conversations with Tristan. He misses her so much. When I get upset, he will ask if it is because of Emerald. He gets very concerned.

People call and say I sound good. I guess I am good, considering my daughter is dead. I try not to sit here and cry all day. I don't cry all day, just on and off.

I took the animals to the vet. Me and Shawn and the kids all went. I almost made it through the visit without crying. Someone mentioned 5th graders and I started bawling. I miss having a 5th grader. I love that age.

Well, back to making soap. I am taking orders... so if you would like to order, please order!


Thanks!

Kimberly

Thursday, April 21, 2005 5:35pm EST

I wanted to updated without taking off the link to the pictures...

I am in the middle of cleaning my room. I haven't cleaned it since two days before Emerald died. We had just moved her in there, so she wouldn't be bothered by what seemed like a constant onslaught of visitors and callers...

Yesterday, FINALLY, they came to pick up the O2 and the wheelchair (one of them). You would think that I would be happy to get them out of here. But it was rough letting just those things go. Today, I found her neck brace that her dad ripped off her neck just minutes after she passed. He couldn't stand it anymore. I on the other hand will keep it. I still have the leopard cover in my purse. I smell her brace looking for any scent of Emerald. I found the canula that she had with her O2, one of those things I really had a hard time throwing out. Might I need this again? GOSH, I hope not. She hated that thing. Unlike her neck brace, which she didn't mind so much, especially after we started decorating it.

Anyway, I miss her so much. How could I not? She was my best buddy for almost a third of my life. Saturday will be 6 weeks since she died. Living without her is such a challenge, I miss taking care of her. I miss laughing over goofy things with her.

I suppose I am doing OK, just with everything I do, there is the underlying missing her. Even when I smile, even when I laugh hard... when I cry. When I am mad. It colors my whole world. It is hard to believe that she is gone. I still can't believe it... I mean of course, I do believe it, she isn't here... some mornings I wake up... I keep my eyes closed and hope I wake up and it was all a big nightmare. But, I know before I open my eyes that it wasn't a dream. It really happened. It was as much of a dream as my sweet Emerald was. Honestly, I couldn't believe she was mine. Now that it is full circle... I wish she was still mine.

Sometimes I think about how she would be had this last year been "normal". Would she be playing in her room... Would she be riding her bike to Noelle and Amber's houses? Would she get to visit Trevor and Natalie? Would I be yelling at her to clean up her room? To do her homework? We should be preparing for her to go to Jr. High. I shouldn't be sitting here at my computer crying because cancer stole her from me.

You know, when her Dad and I divorced, it was very hard at times to share her with her father. I felt this emptiness when I would drive somewhere and see a VW beetle and had no one to slug. OR to give a bruiser for a cruiser.. I couldn't wait for her Dad to drop her off. I hated when we had to share her for holidays. I hated when he took her for a week for vacation. I selfishly wanted her here with me. How I wish I had to share her with Rene now...

Now I look back and think how pathetic all that was. I shared her because I had to, and because it was the right thing to do. A lot of parents can't compromise. We did. It wasn't always pleasant, but we did it. Our getting along was unusal, we had to get special clearance to stay together at Give kids the World. The funeral home wouldn't let Rene pick up Emerald's remains, well my half. (She was cremated.) I still can't make it there. I had a dream about picking them up last night. It makes me anxious, so I still haven't picked them up.

Sorry for the rambling... I don't know what I am trying to convey here, I have lost my train of thought. I guess it is a bunch of random thoughts.

To those that emailed, I will get to your emails tomorrow morning. I have to get back to cleaning my room in a minute. I just needed a crying break.

Please look at the pictures below. Please leave comments in the gallery! If there is a picture with someone you know, then add who they are, so those who don't know our family, can put a name with a face.

I miss Emerald so much.

Kimberly

Tuesday, April 12, 2005 10:16 AM CDT

I am having a bad day... but wanted to let you know that my new soap site is up. There are still some flaws I am figuring out.. So please be patient with that part!

Thanks,
K

Emerald,

A year and a half ago, when we discussing the truth of Santa and you were so upset... that it wasn't what you thought. Santa exists, the last year was proof of that, but not in the way we were lead to believe as children.

I never in a million years would have thought that you would find the truth of what happens after we die. Honestly, I was supposed to find out first. But seeing as you know now. I have a few questions for you.

What happens? I mean, is there an afterlife? I am going to assume there is, or I am talking to no one... (me and my silly stupids, eh?) What about God? Is God what we think? A he? A she? Neither? I am wondering how the whole thing works, I mean if prayer could cure a little girl... for CERTAIN you would be here with me now. So it must not work that way.

Can you see me? I understand something of what you meant. You wanted me to be happy, but you understood that I would be sad without you. I am trying very hard to do both. If you can see me, I hope you aren't missing me, the way I miss you.. It hurts and one thing I had hoped for was that you wouldn't be hurting anymore. I hope you aren't mad when I do something without you, because I do things without you, but I certainly feel guilty and sad that you aren't here doing them, too. And please, don't spy on me in the bathroom. The thought kind of makes me uncomfortable... LOL

Are you the one kissing Ian? He hasn't given kisses much since you left us. He used to kiss you every day. He only gives kisses to the air now. Two days ago, he kept saying your name and then, "mmm.mmmmm...mmmmmm" I wondered if you were there. Anya misses you too. When she sees an Angel she says that it is you. And when she see my "cancer sucks" wrist band, she says, "Emerald sucks?" with a quizzical look on her face. (I know you would think that was funny!) It makes me sad that she would associate the word cancer with her big sister. I wish it wasn't that way. Perhaps this experience will serve her well in the future. She is meant to hold a friends hand if they have to deal with such things, too. She tries to take care of me, like you did. You taught her well.

Anyway, I guess I will stop talking now. You probably want to get back to playing with your friends. I hope you got to meet them all... all the kids that were important to us. Cheyenne, Celeste, Mel, Ray Anne... the list goes on and on and on and on. I hope you had a big party on your birthday, I am sorry I wasn't there. I hope you got the balloons we sent.

We love you and miss you.

I love you, Angel.

Mom

Saturday, April 9, 2005 9:24 AM CDT

So today marks 4 weeks since I last held Emerald's hand. Gosh, I miss her so much. The last two days have been really hard and tiring. I have been crying a lot. I don't know what to do with myself.

I fear I will never be able to set foot in a movie theater again. She loved the movies so much. She would go every day if we could. Our friend Kris, had gotten tickets from Star Theatres last year. She used 2 of them, right away, and then I forgot about them, or when I remembered we went to AMC. So they sat up there, until the night before she passed, when they went to the movies and she got to use those tickets.

Someone sent me something that is posted on another child's site. About what is normal now. I found much of it to be true. It makes me sad. I am sad that this happened to my family, and I am mad about the raw deal we all got. One day I will post it, I have my own things to add... about what my normal is now.

This time last year they told us that they measured Emerald's prognosis in years. Boy, that was off the mark, eh?

I guess I am not putting my words out so well today, it is just a mis mash of stuff that tells you that I am not happy. I am just so mad that this happened... that I can't hold her hand and talk with her anymore. I can't go into her room without crying.. the fish tank was half empty because I couldn't go in there. As I write this I am clutching the Eyeore we bought in Disney. The one she had when she was wheeled into surgery in January. I slept with it that first night she was in the ICU. I hold it now.

I wish she was here, not in my heart, but here with me physically.

I wish... I wish... I wish.

Thank you for all the calls the last couple days. Thank you to Kelly's Dad, Steve for calling too.

Love,
Kimberly

Thursday, April 7, 2005 10:16 AM CDT

Well, I have been thinking a lot lately. I have a few senerios on "how things are" for me.

Sometimes, I feel happy. Sometimes, I am so grateful for everyone in my life, and that I am a mom to 3 wonderful kids, and I feel lucky that I even knew Emerald. That I got to hold her in my arms, that I got to be there through it all.

Sometimes, I am sad. How can I go on without her? It just feels wrong. I feel like she should be here physically. She should be here to back up my arguments with Shawn.. "Yeah, Shawn!" I can't log on to certain sites online without getting teary, I can't go into certain places without the same thing. In fact, I can't go anywhere without crying. No matter how happy or sad I am, I am always crying. Just a tear or two, sometimes more. I don't even fight it. I miss her warm skin... watching her tv shows... hearing her sing out in the car. I am sad, because I feel like this sucked the fun right out of my life, Shawn's life, Anya and Ian's life. I couldn't buy the waterslide the other day because Emerald can't use it. Well, Anya and Ian could.. but it isn't the same anymore. I see a commercial for Universal Studios. I promised her that after she got fixed up this time, I would go back with her, just she and I, and we would ride whatever she wanted. Now it just hurts.

Sometimes, I am mad. I mean really angry, I stomp my feet. I feel like falling on the floor and demanding to god that he send her back to me. I think that it is torture that I am left here to live without her, to care for her siblings without her to help. I have to live and go through this without her to care for me. Since she could pat me on the back, she did. When I was sad, she would wipe my tears, and she would try to say something obnoxious, or uplifting or both to make me see the bright spots. I think sometimes, that it wouldn't be so bad to not wake up, at least this hurting would stop. How can Emerald be someplace better, what could be better than home, in my arms?

Emerald's chemo angels were both so very different. It was a great thing. One had cancer and survived, and went on to help us, send us great things and bring her experience into our lives. Perfect things to bring new experiences to us.

The other, I didn't know too much about, except that she she worked with a law firm, the part of the country she was from. She sent Emerald exactly things Emerald would have picked out for herself. It was rather uncanny. After Emerald passed I got a note from her saying that she too, lost a daughter. An 11 year old daughter, while waiting for a heart. It has been years now, and she still found it in her heart to send things to my little girl, and notes to me. Her little girl must have been like my little girl.

Just another sign that I will be OK. People move on from these experiences. They take something positive from an experience, that on the surface, seems so negative. Thank you, Donna and Penny for sharing your lives with me and my little girl. To this second it makes a difference.

Please, PLEASE, consider donating even $5.00 to Relay for Life. I plan on attending the event with my friend, Becky, and celebrating Emerald's life. She was so very proud to be the top money earner. I was so proud of her.



If you can visit Becky's page and make a small donation, I would appreciate it. You can also visit Becky's page to see that most of the people who have donated to Becky have done so, in Emerald's honor. She would be happy to see that.

Well, off to make soap. I think I have 12 batches to make (yikes!) if anyone is bored, please feel free to come over and help!

Lots of Love on this rainy day.

Kimberly

Monday, April 4, 2005 10:57 PM CDT

Hi,

Couple of things first. My friend Becky is closing in on her last week of fundraising for Relay for Life. She is doing an excellent job, and is $220 from her goal! If you would help out even with a small donation, it would be appreciated. Great cause! Emerald would be giving a little sceam from heaven I am sure. She loved hearing that the numbers were going up when she did the Relay! The link is above the picture of Emerald and I.

If you have an old gameboy at home and your child got the new model or your child doesn't play with it anymore. I know someone who is collecting them. Please send them to me, so I can get them to her. If you need my home address, please email me.

A kind heart, Joe Vinciguerra (39), passed away April 3rd. He had a similar tumor to Emerald's, in the same location, same surgery by Dr. Jallo, and his also moved into his brain. Please keep his family in your prayers. He was on the board of the Spinal Cord Tumor Association. He will be greatly missed.

Kaidrie is having some troubles. She has a diffuse pontine glioma. Her mom has password protected her site due to some negativity... (has been going around, I guess) and you can find her updates at the tumbleweed foundation. Please also keep Kaidrie and her family in your prayers.

Emerald's friend Emily, needs prayers too, Emerald and Emily went to camp together this summer. Emily's counts have continued to drop over the last few months, and now are too low for chemo. Emily has Leukemia (ALL) and really needs her counts to improve so she can continue with her treatment. We are praying for you Emily!

Emerald and Heros for Children (Allie Scott's Mom's co-foundation) are featured at Bella Lucce check them out!

I also updated the total on the lemonade soap sold. It still doesn't include the soap that needs to go out. I got a few more orders done today, my mom thankfully came over and helped me work on it. We made tons of soap today. So the total should continue to go up as I get the orders out. I am trying to work on the new website, as well, so please be patient!

I want to thank Emerald's classmates for really being there for her, and making her smile. Thank you to Trevor for befriending her at school when she was new and didn't feel like she fit in. It made a huge difference in her. I could tell, because she loved going to school. She never gave me a hard time, unless she was really not feeling well. Thank you to all of Emerald's classmates, old and new! The calls, the cards, thank you, thank you!

I learned the other day, that the singer from the band that played at Emerald's benefit had learned the song Breathing. The song from the site. He had planned to play the song at the benefit, but had a hard time getting through it. I guess it made him really sad. I think that is about the sweetest thing I have heard in a long time. The people who email, the people who write, those that call. It really warms my heart to hear from all of you who were touched by my little girl, and her wonderful sense of style and sense of humor.

If there is anyone out there who has been hurt by something I have said in the past week or two, please do not take it to heart, I feel angry these days and there is no good outlet for these emotions. Sometimes I don't realise that I am doing it, sometimes I am a bit too touchy. I realise that there is no excuse for treating people in a hurtful way, and if I hurt you by my actions or words, I apologise.

Anya and Ian, are doing OK, feeling well. Blitzen is supposed to get his splint off tomorrow...

I have a picture of Ian, in his caps 4 sam hat, that I keep meaning to post, as soon as I locate my camera, I will post it, hopefully tomorrow.

Someone emailed and wanted a repost of Emerald with the butterflies. My computer lost all of the pictures, but luckily my friend Ashley had one of the pictures on her computer... enjoy.



Love to everyone.

Kimberly

PS, thank you to Sheika and to Tami for writing poems, I really loved them both. Tami's is in the guestbook and also on Celeste's site and I will post Sheika's here. Thank you to these two talented souls!

At 10 years old she's facing death
parents uncertain of the days she has left
but uncertaintly makes their love certain
they surround her in love
like a curtain
it shields her from the darkness
and in the morning it reflects
the light
of prayers answered
of God keeping her through
another night
She smiles through her pain
knowing it's all right
she has people
helping her through her plight
though she may become
sad and upset
thinking how her little
sister and brother will
miss her if she left
and she worries for her mother
that if she died
how much it would hurt her
she gathers strength again
so she can go a little further
to battle the demon
plaquing her
called cancer
She draws on faith and prayers
of everyon's hope
adding to her armor
giving all her energy
to fight in her own
personal war
truly a jewel
by far
her momma blessed
her with the name
Emerald
like all gems
light shines brighter
through her
reflecting colored rays
on black and white days
so has she colored
our hearts
and stays in our thoughts
always.

Saturday, April 2, 2005 4:47 PM CST

Hello.

Sorry about the lag in updating. Nothing really new to report. Today we finally had Tristan's birthday party. His birthday was in November, but like Ian's birthday, things just seemed to get put on hold. Now that life has gotten into a point where we don't wonder what the next day will hold... unlike before... we can do these things. It is hard to do them without our girl. We miss her so much.

I have lost 26 lbs, keep in mind that I have been TRYING to lose weight so this is a good thing. Lately, I want to eat, but I keep myself busy.

I started watching a couple of my daycare kids too. Brings the anxiety up to a whole new level, but, we must work. The baby, Serenity, isn't used to be here anymore, so she cries a whole lot. Luckily, she goes to bed at 8:30 pm. Her mom works afternoons, so it isn't the whole day of crying. Hopefully, with some time, she will get used to us. I think it is just this age anyway, she is about 8 months old. Not certain if the bit of money I am making from watching her is worth the anxiety, but I have to pay the bills, eh?

We finally got the cats to the vet. We had to coax them for a week into the cat crate. LOL They went peacefully today, after biting and scratching Shawn last week... LOL

Then next year we can try again... LOL

Thank you to those of you who have sent little gifts and books, and thought of me. It makes a difference, they seem to come at the "right" time, and it mean so much.

I can't believe that it has been 3 weeks now. We were watching a movie yesterday "what the bleep do we know?" And they said that your brain can't tell between what it sees and what you think. So I close my eyes and my brain thinks of Emerald, so she must really be there in my mind. I can still feel her skin on my lips, her voice I can still hear. Thank you to those of you who have emailed me and sent your stories, the poems, and the love. It makes me smile..

I have a picture of Emerald and our whole family... plus Kelly & Tristan... from Disney.

This is the outfit I should have put her in a the funeral. She "told" me a dream the day after the funeral... LOL I realised then, that she was right. LOL She rolled her eyes in the dream. So I figured she was OK with what I chose. She looks so happy. She was so happy.



Lots of Love,
Kimberly

Thursday, March 31, 2005 7:26 AM CST

I wanted to update yesterday, but just couldn't find the energy.

I am feeling more at peace this morning. Hopefully, this means I can get a lot done. I still have many, many soap orders that need to go out... And new ones have come in!!

Yesterday, some friends of mine from the soap bulletin board I visit (washing soap, not operas!), surprised me with a new soap site. It is beautiful. I will be working on it this week and hopefully can have it in place instead of my home-job one soon! What a kind and thoughtful gift. Something I really had been wanting, but didn't have the time, money or effort to get it done, and now here it is. :)

The people that I have met on the soap dish, online and in person have all been just fantastic. From helping me to pay my bills, to the new soap site, to finishing Emerald's room... (and driving 6 hours to do it!), the presents for me, Emerald and Ian and Anya.... the support. The calls that come at the right time... Well, I must not have just joined the "Dish" I was led there.

Anyway, so today after talking to my mom, I am going to post some pictures that I didn't realise that I didn't post before. These were taken the day before Emerald's last surgery. We were at the IHOP in Baltimore and Keri and Es were being their same goofy selves...

This first picture is Emerald when she was 8, and Anya was just born. This was taken the Friday before Mother's Day that year.






















She was always funny and happy like this.

Lots of Love,
Kimberly

Tuesday, March 29, 2005 2:55 PM CST

I woke up this morning in a really bad mood. Missing Emerald so much. Every day is another day longer than we have ever been apart, and the anxiety is building. I just try to get through it. All the firsts... first warm day... first birthday, first easter... it just sucks.

I was pretty upset this morning, and the picture she drew on Valentine's Day... it said... "I love you." She had me outline it in black marker... she drew it in pencil. The magnet holding it onto the fridge fell off and it was pushed forward. Odd that at that moment, I would notice. Regardless of whether these are things that Emerald or her counterparts.. ;) are some how doing, or if I am just going completely out of my mind. The reminders are nice. I miss her. I miss her so much. She can't pick stuff out with me anymore. I signed our dog up for a clicker class, and she can't come with me. No one to make certain that Anya and Ian stay asleep and safe while I shower.

Anyway, today was a rough day, but I am walking through it.

Hugs,
Kimberly

Monday, March 28, 2005 8:32 AM CST

Yesterday, Keri, Me, Anya, Ian and Tristan went to our unitarian church. It was nice to be there for Emerald's birthday.

My parents, and my sisters came over with their families to have dinner here. Keri actually made the dinner. I haven't been up to it lately, it was delicious.

We let off the balloons that Emerald's chemo Angel Penny sent the Saturday that Emerald died... I tied messages to them, and we all let them off. Anya was yelling that she loved and missed Emerald.

I lit a candle in her honor... I don't know if I told this whole story... I can only imagine that I told part of it, so bare with me. The night that Melody had died I lit a candle. She asked me what it was for, and I said it was because I thought that Melody would be an angel soon. The next day we found out that Melody died within minutes of me lighting the candle. When I told Emerald about it... she said, "STOP LIGHTING CANDLES!" It was very cute. She didn't want the kids to go, and felt that we should all stop lighting candles for them... so they wouldn't leave. LOL

Anyway, so I had lit the candle and it burned all afternoon and through dinner.. I fell asleep on the couch in Emerald's favorite spot, Anya fell asleep on me... and Shawn was playing PS2. He went to bed very late I imagine. About 3:30AM... our phone starts making noise. I look at it and it says that it was paging the other handset. But the other handset was near me also. I had bought this phone so that Emerald could page me from another room. I would leave the one set with her, and she could just press a button and when I answered tell me what she needed. I turned it off, but it was still ringing when I took it into the bedroom, to tell Shawn about it. He seemed freaked out too... LOL

Considering that Emerald told me that she would never do that (because she didn't want to scare me... ), I think it might have been her partner in crime... Cheyenne... because Cheyenne is apt to doing such things... LOL

Anyway, it did get me to put out the candle, and save our whole house from getting burned down! LOL

It was a nice day. Not as bad as I thought. It makes a huge difference being alone, or being with people. Having my family here, helped out a lot.

Will talk to you all soon.

If you haven't logged on to our site in a while... please look in the journal history for pictures from Emerald's last week with us.

Lots of Love,
Kimberly

Saturday, March 26, 2005 9:55 CST

I didn't want to take down the pictures yet... but I did want to add to the post. Tomorrow is Emerald's actual birthday, yep, on Easter. The first time ever since she was born. The first time it was 4 days before Easter that she was born...

Tonight, we went to Shawn's brother, Chad's birthday, Chad turned 30 (Happy Birthday to Shawn's little brother) We got there, and I got out while Shawn parked... well there is this patch of cement, down the street from the place of the party, and Me and Kelly and Tristan and Emerald had been walking around... guys were fixing a portion of the side walk, and wouldn't you know it, Emerald wasn't paying attention (she was only 7... if I remember correctly, she was TERRIFIED of the train tracks) and didn't pay attention to the fac that she was about to step in the cement. She left her footprints all over it, the workers were screaming at her... The cement now, bares hardly a trace that Emerald stepped in it. It looks patched, and I had been completely unprepared to feel that way.... I started bawling and sobbing like a baby... Luckily, I had some Xanax on me, so I could get control of the situation. I still am feeling it, it was really hard for me. Anyway, we came home so my sisters could go to a party for someone they work with, so we had to leave Chad's party early, but we apologise. After I calmed down a bit, it was a nice night.

Anyway, Shawn and Anya made 4 easter eggs... Funny, because Shawn is jewish! But he likes doing anything at all with Anya!

I am back to working on soap orders finally. Starting with the oldest first. Hopefully, I can catch up really fast. I would like to get them out of here... to make room for new ones? While making stuff, I was getting the satisfaction that Emerald would like that I was doing something I enjoy so much, but at the same time, I wish it was like the old days when she would help me.

I miss talking with her, and kissing her sweet mouth, and holding her hand... probably holding her hand specificially in the car is the hardest. She was an avid hand holder... as am I.

Much Love,
Kimberly

Friday, March 25, 2005 9:07 AM CST

I always thinking of wonderful things to say when I am away from the computer. As soon as I log on, they leave my brain.

I just am going to post some pictures I took that last week we had with Emerald.

This is Anya giving Emerald a kiss the afternoon of the day she died.



This is Anya holding her big sisters hand for the last time.


This is Keri, Anya and Em... just before we went to her birthday lunch at Mongolian BBQ


Emerald with her two favorite cousins... even when she was out of it, she would wake up and ask where they were. I am so glad that they got to spend that week with us. I am also glad they came to the Relay for Life... Emerald had the time of her life with them, and they are so gentle with her.


Keri and Emerald


Emerald and her puppy quilt that was made for her, it is cross stitched, she was asleep when they dropped it by, (Tuesday) and when she woke up that night, she really enjoyed having it.


Emerald's puppy Blitzen and his broken leg, this was that Monday... I think he was picking up on the mood in the house. Because he was awake when I took this picture.


Emerald's feet.


Emerald and her dad.


Me holding Emerald's hand... something I will miss forever.


Thank you for the guestbook messages.. lately it takes too much energy to respond to them, emails too. If you would like to come visit, I would love to have you... please call me... the number is listed near our address on this page... I go to bed around 11 these days.

Thanks... and I hope your day is full and fun.

Kimberly

Thursday, March 24, 2005 2:12 PM CST

Today has been one of those days.

I keep looking at things online for Blitzen, and then I see something and think... oh... Es would like this, but then she isn't here to get excited over it.

The whole day is like that. I just go through the day with butterflies lately. I guess I still don't understand what the hell happened. I look at the pictures taken just a week before she died, and I think... Gosh... we thought we had more time. Those beautiful pictures from the slideshow... they almost capture her soul it seems, it is hard to look at them... I miss her so much. I don't understand how I am supposed to really LIVE and LOVE without her. I feel like a huge part of my soul is missing, or rather taken.

I haven't been crying so much the last couple days, sometimes I do, but mostly, I just feel like I am in a fog, waiting for her to come back. I know she isn't coming back, but part of my brain just doesn't understand how that is possible. I keep saving her stuff... because she would be angry if Anya and Ian got into it. Like it matters. I guess I haven't been crying because no amount of crying or whining is going to bring her back. So it seems like a waste of my very little energy that I have these days. Not that someone who is grieving doesn't have the right to do that, but it just doesn't seem like a viable option for me.

When I bring her up, sometimes people just stare at me with a gapping mouth. REMEMBER. SHE. WAS. JUST. HERE. If we don't speak of her, she will die in everyones head but mine. I love her, and I need to hear her name, to help me realise that she wasn't just in my dreams. To help me remember her touch, and her sweet breath, and her pretty face.

I just wish she would come back.

Sigh.

Hugs, and know that I am OK.

Kimberly

Tuesday, March 22, 2005 8:47 AM CST

Finally last night I dreamt of Emerald. I had been thinking just before I fell asleep, that the only signs of Emerald were the ones that she used to reside here.

I woke up from the dream, I actually woke up smiling. No details from it, just knowing the dream was nice. When I was waking up, I remember hearing her voice in my head saying things will be ok, and that I was doing great. I must have still been dreaming because I swear I felt her touch my head.

Now, that you probably think I am crazy! I am not. I may have dreamt it all, but I don't care. I guess, if I can't see Emerald during my days, I can dream of her at night.

I don't have much else to say today. Except maybe that above the picture of Emerald and me, there is a link to MACS and Relay for Life. If you have even a couple bucks to go to either, I would appreciate it.

Thanks to Holly, Kris, Laura, Ellen, Nancy, Jennifer, Vic, Holly's Mom, and I know I have forgotten so many, everyone who helped with the fundraiser... I really, really appreciate everything that you guys did, and how you put my family first, before even your own families sometimes. It really meant a lot to me.

Love,
Kimberly

Sunday, March 20, 2005 9:12 AM CST

Just under the picture of Em and I, there is the link to the first news clip from the Monday before she passed.

I have been wanting to update for the last two days. It is much harder now.

Yesterday for Anya's party... it was a nice day. Anya had so much fun with the other kids. She played like she hasn't played in months... I asked if she wanted to open her presents and she kept running to the table to get them, would open the card, and then the present, the whole time SHAKING. If it was clothes they were quickly discarded in hopes that the next one be toys. It was nice, because this was the first birthday that she hasn't shared with Emerald... it was bad because of the same reason. Thankfully, I had lots of friends and family here to help me through it. It made a difference. We spoke of Emerald, and I didn't cry. We laughed at the funny things.

I was also saying that it is so very odd for me. Sometimes I feel like I just dreamed Emerald... thankfully there is so much proof that she was here. My life is forever changed because of her. I miss her so much. I guess that goes without saying.

My friend Karen, and her husband Ryan came over last at the end of the party. I think we could have spoken forever. Hopefully, they will come over again soon, because I like the company.

People keep saying that they figured I am bombarded with people coming over and they don't want to bother me. Well, truthfully, I think everything thinks that, and no one comes. So please, if you feel like bothering me... bother away. I could use the company.

I wanted to thank Sarah's mom for calling yesterday morning and for Ashley for being there on Friday night. I have been having a rough time and both those calls came at the perfect moment.

Lots of Love,
Kimberly

Friday, March 18, 2005 7:32 AM CST

In the minutes that I can't make it, I think to myself of how well Emerald did when faced with the hard things. Just going to the bathroom was a chore. Getting dressed was sometimes painful. Walking seemed to take forever and was tiring. Having to rely on others for almost everything was difficult too. If after having to live like that for a whole year, only to find out that you weren't going to get to stay, then STILL being able to give kisses, I love you's... and big smiles... then I can get up each day and honor my child's life to the fullest. It is hard, and I am not stronger than any other mom. I cry, I have my moments. I miss her like CRAZY. But I feel good when I smile about her, when I laugh, I feel even better.

Anya's birthday party is tomorrow at 2 PM. Of course, it is still on. She needs to feel like something is normal, we all do. Emerald would have wanted her to have a party. If you could come to the party we would love to have you. It would be nice for me.

Thank you for checking on me. Thank you to all of you who do something in the name of Emerald. To those that have donated to the charities I listed above, THANK YOU! For those that choose to support me and my family, you will be repaid 10 fold when you aren't expecting it. I know this, because it happened to me, even though, I never expected it to come back.

Lots of Love, and Smiles and Giggles.

Kimberly

Thursday, March 17, 2005 6:59 AM CST

This morning I woke up to the familiar sound of Emerald yelling "Mom". At about the same time as every other morning for the past year. How odd. When I opened my eyes, I knew I didn't have to get up to answer it. I fell asleep on the couch last night. Some time in the night, Anya had crawled up on me, and we slept on the couch together.

I miss her so much and I am ready for this nightmare to be over.

Her service was nice. The minister repected our wishes and and mostly spoke of Emerald, not of religion. Part of the reason was because a few weeks ago, Emerald had said to me, "Mom, I wish people would stop saying that God loves me. If God loved me, then why is he letting this happen to me? Why isn't it going away?" So the minister spoke of Jesus saying the same thing, and asking why God had forsaken him. I have no answers. I just thought it was appropriate for our situation, and wanted to share with you, part of what was said at the service. Regardless of your faith, believer in Jesus as the son of God or not... he was a man... and my daughter had the same question...

After the minister spoke I said a few words. It was probably one of the hardest and at the same time most important thing I wanted to do in my life. The following is what I said...

I have been thinking about all the things I want to say about Emerald. I wish you could just crawl in to my heart and head so you could feel the kind of kid she was, but since you can’t. I will try to tell you how I saw her.

Emerald had the most wonderful sense of humor. If I was crying about something, she would make a joke and make us both giggle. Even just a few weeks ago, when told that “George” her tumor had grown back, she was making jokes. The doctor asked her if she had any questions. Mind you, we are standing there, the doc, the nurse and myself, with tears in our eyes. Emerald looked at me with this twinkle in her eye and she looked back at the doctor and with the most straight face, she said, “ Yep, how fast does a cheetah run?” I started laughing, but the doctor didn’t process it very fast because she wasn’t expecting it! That is the kind of kid she was. So when there is tension and you feel the need to crack a joke… that was my Emerald.

She asked me about our friend, Cheyenne’s family a day before her surgery. Cheyenne died the day before Halloween of a brain tumor. She said, “How are Cheyenne’s parents doing anyway?” I was kind of stunned that she asked. I told her that they write about how each day is a day closer to them being in heaven with Cheyenne. She told me that she didn’t want me to be like that. She wanted me to be happy. I think that is what Emerald wanted more than anything for those that knew her. She wouldn’t want you to mourn her today, she would want you to celebrate her life, that sparkle, that endless sense of humor. So today, when you laugh at a joke, or remember a wonderful moment with Emerald, relish in the fact that she is in your heart.

I have had a few people who have commented that no one would want to be in my shoes, for me, I think they are wrong. To be Emerald’s mom, I would stand in these shoes 10 times over, knowing it would end the same way, for I am the lucky one.

I love you, Emerald.


When I was finished, the minister spoke a bit more about Emerald, then my friend, Nina sang a song for Emerald. Just Nina's beautiful voice and the quiet of the room. She sang an acapella version of "Sweet Child O' Mine." It was beautiful and perfect for Emerald. The lyrics follow...

She's got a smile that it seems to me
Reminds me of childhood memories
Where everything
Was as fresh as the bright blue sky
Now and then when I see her face
She takes me away to that special place
And if I'd stare too long
I'd probably break down and cry


Sweet child o' mine
Sweet love of mine


She's got eyes of the bluest skies
As if they thought of rain
I hate to look into those eyes
And see an ounce of pain
Her hair reminds me of a warm safe place
Where as a child I'd hide
And pray for the thunder
And the rain
To quietly pass me by


Sweet child o' mine
Sweet love of mine


There were so many people at Emerald's service. She would have felt so very special. People she has never met, and there were kids from the 3 different schools that she has attended. It was amazing.

Anya is having a hard time with some of this. At times, she demands that Emerald come back. I know how she feels, I feel that way at times also. Ian now thinks that Emerald is in the computer, because whenever I ask him where Emerald is, that is where he points. Sometimes, I wonder how I am going to get past the next minute... other times, I am OK. I want to be happy, I try to be happy, I encourage others to be happy.... but I miss her so much. I almost feel guilty being happy.

For now,

Kimberly

Saturday, March 12, 2005 9:09 PM CST

OK... so I wanted to update without losing all the service information... so I am just adding it to the top. Today is now the 15th of March... So far, I am doing OK. Would it be odd for me to say that I am doing OK. I am trying to live like Emerald would want me to. I feel so at peace. While we were at the funeral home, I felt like I should be home... because she wasn't there. She was at home, and sometimes even in my heart. I couldn't wait to get home to just be here, where she liked to be. People have been extremely kind and generous. I can't begin to tell you. Today one of the flower arrangments came from my ex boyfriend from 12 years agos, sister, Barb and her husband Gene. I stood up in their wedding. I started bawling, just at the idea that people who knew me and never knew my daughter, then from people who never knew me OR my daughter, and they are thinking of us. It is amazing to me.

Thank you to all of you.

Another thing I wanted to say, is that no one should feel sorry for me. I was lucky to be Emerald's mama. I feel badly that you all couldn't have been her mom... because it was truly the greatest job in the world.

Good night and Thank you.



....

Service Information.

Kauls Funeral Home
28433 Jefferson
St. Clair Shores

Visitation Monday and Tuesday from 3-9 (family alone from 2-3)

Service on Wednesday, tenatively at 11 AM.

At this time in lieu of flowers donations to the Make a Child Smile Organization would be appreciated.


Because Emerald liked the color black, it is OK to dress in black. Please also consider dressing in Emerald's favorite color, BLUE.

The benefit today was wonderful. The kindness of everyone in my life and those who don't even know us is so very overwhelming. I so appreciate those of you, who took the time to come out and see our family. It meant a lot. Sadly, many people didn't know that Emerald had passed away last night, so I felt badly when I had to tell them the news. It hurt my heart.

I am doing OK. I feel like she is here somehow. At least I feel that way today, tomorrow may be very different. There is so much more I could say today, but the exhaustion is just too much for me, and I need to rest. Thank you so much for all of you. You have touched my heart, and Emerald would have loved to be there today. She would have felt so very special... just like she was so very special.

Love,
Kimberly

.............

Please come to the benefit today, to celebrate Emerald's life and the death of George the tumor. Our family will be there, and would love to meet you.

Thanks,
Kimberly

..............................

At 10:08 PM surrounded by family and loved ones, Emerald Isle Maes made her debut into heaven. She looked as beautiful as the day she was born. I am reminded of the story that I read on Jake Griffin site.

It is an ancient story about a rabbi, his wife and their twin boys who were very loved by their parents. The boys died while the rabbi was away on a trip and knowing how deeply the man loved his children the wife decided not to tell him until he returned and had fortified himself with a nice meal. Throughout the evening the man asked for his sons repeatedly and whenever he asked where the boys were the wife would just reply “They are away from home now.”

After the meal the wife asked her husband to help her with a problem she had. She asked him “if you were lent two precious jewels and told you were allowed to enjoy them as long as they were in your keeping, would you be able to argue when the lender asked for their return?” Of course the husband answered “certainly not!”

After his answer the wife led her husband to the bedroom where the two boys lay and said, “God wanted his jewels back.”

God must have wanted Emerald.

We love you, Emerald, so very much.

Thanks.

Kimberly

Saturday, March 12, 2005 7:15 PM

Emma is still not awake, she continues to be unresponsive. Her breathing is hard, and has settled into a pattern.

Cancer really sucks.

Saturday, March 12, 2005 3:00 PM CST

There has really been no change this morning, she is still not awake. When she was kind of awake earlier she couldn't talk, she couldn't swallow a pill, she just moved her eyes. Anya came into the room, and said, "Is Emma OK?" I said that she wasn't. She said, "I love you, Emma". Then she looked at me and said, "Emma OK now." She seems confused. Why doesn't her kisses and hugs make Emerald feel better? She rubs her arm and says, "it's OK Emma." Then looks at me sadly. It is hard to tell how much she really understands. I took some pictures of her holding Emerald's hand, and giving her kisses.

Well, I need to rest with her again. I love her so much.

Kimberly

Saturday, March 12, 2005 10:02 AM CST

Last night after the movies (Robots, she said it was better than she thought it would be), Emerald came home, and had a horrific headache. We had to give her much liquid morphine to make it go away. The last time she had it was on Monday, when she was really out of it. This morning, she is awake but really out of it, she can't talk. She looks like she is struggling to say something, but it just isn't working. Hospice is on their way to check her out.

She is laying in my bed, with me and her sister. I will try to keep you updated through out the day.

Thanks,
Kimberly

Friday, March 11, 2005 5:18 PM CST

Once again... tonight I went out with my sister and my friend Lisa to the mall. I swear, I had a panic attack everytime we walked into a store, I tell the clerks about her..I feel like I am ruining their day... Everything reminds me of Emerald. I am trying so hard to live in the moment, and relish in the life she has here right now, but my mind drifts to our unsure future. I wonder how they can be right. Her eyes are so full of life. Anyway, I made it through the trip, and when we got back, Es was up and watching another movie with her Dad. For those of you who don't know... Emerald never regained her ability to walk after this last surgery. She was getting there, almost to the point of balancing and now she can barely stand with me holding her. So we carry her everywhere. I actually yelled at the tumor to get out of Emerald. She tells it to leave too. Die you stupid thing. She is still visualising it being eaten.

They left tonight to go to the movies with her cousins, Brandon and Nick. I know it seems late, it is almost 11 pm. But whatever makes her smile. She seems so awake and happy, she kept puckering up so I would kiss her.

I have been avoiding other caringbridge sites... which isn't like me. Hopefully, I will be able to go back soon. I am going to go nap while she is gone.

Love,
Kimberly

....................................

Hi!

So I am updating again...

We (all 13 of us) went to Mongolian BBQ. (For Candra.. LOL I will add this in for you!!!! She had noodles, chicken, baby corn, and egg and BBQ sauce, then a strawberry sundae! XOXO) Emerald loves that place. We had them sing happy birthday to her. Everyone had fun.

Emerald's neck is pushed to the side now. I think the tumor is just making her neck bones twist as it gets bigger. It drives me nuts, but it is hard for her to hold her neck up, so she doesn't, she just lets it fall to the side. She is in no pain. She has been awake all day, sometimes she takes a little nap, but most of the time, she is pretty alert, and giggles some, makes jokes once in a while and rolls her eyes at our antics often.

She keeps apologising for things. Like... "sorry, I keep getting you up.." "Sorry for everything." I keep telling her that it is alright. I would rather be doing this, than doing anything without her. So for as long as she needs me, I will comply with her needs. She makes her dad take care of her at night, so I can get rest. She is just too sweet.

Thank you to the people at Star Lincoln Mercury for your very generous donation to our family. We appreciate it! Thank you to those at my brother Gerry's work, we appreciate this as well! And also those from Rene's work. The kindness of people has been really touching.

Anyway, I just wanted to update.

Have a good night.

Kimberly

Friday, March 11, 2005 10:02 AM CST

Hello.

I am happy each morning I can report another morning!

Well, we are sending cybersmacks back to Sam. Thanks for that, it really made Emerald smile. :)

Yesterday was alright, Emerald was really tired, she gets more and more tired lately. I thought for sure her counts were going to be low, but they weren't. So it must just be the &*^$ tumor. It could be all the medication she is taking these days too.

She wanted to go to Hot Dog on a Stick (this corn dog place we used to go to.) and we left (all 13 of us) and when we got there, could you believe it was closed? So she ended up getting mini corn dogs from A&W. She was bummed out. After that, we decided to go over to Jeepers and say hello. They are dedicating the next 3 Thursdays at various locations to Emerald, and donating to our family, 20f their profits. The first one is next Thursday at the Roseville location (Macomb Mall.) When we went there, I spoke with Rose on the phone, and she had the girl take our picture and then told us that if we wanted to come back this weekend, we could come for free! Emerald really wants to go, hopefully she is feeling up to it.

This morning she woke up, she looks OK. She is a bit pinker. Full of "I love you"'s and smiles. Still tired... but wants to go out for lunch. Of course, we will go... it is a crowd everywhere we go.. because everyone we know comes with us!!!!

Another day, what a roller coaster ride. Half the time, I forget that she is sicker, and half the time, I am having a panic attack.

Trying to savor every moment.

Kimberly

Thursday, March 10, 2005 8:23 AM CST

Good Morning.

First, in our relentless quest to raise money for cancer research, I am going to once again post the link to our friend Becky's relay for life page. Click here to see it! She is over the half way mark, thanks to the many readers we have. If you would like to help support Becky, and help to raise money for research to help cure this terrible disease that is the number one killer of children by disease, please give even $10. It makes a difference. One day, perhaps, cancer will be easily cured, and no one will have to suffer through this.

Emerald is doing OK this morning, she slept all night. She seems tired today. Last night, I think it hit her that she may very well, have to go. She was very sad and was crying. She said she didn't want to go. She said she never got her first kiss. We gave her permission to do whatever she needed to do. If she wanted to fight, we would back her up, if she changed her mind, well, we would back her then also. Her color is good, her twitching is back... which is odd. Her cough seems a bit worse, but overall seems OK. She is a fighter.

Each day is hard. I mean, obviously, we want them to be wrong. But the waiting is torture. Either way, we will get through this. Each day with our girl is a blessing. Each day that we thought we wouldn't be able to hold her warm hands. Each morning she wakes with her eyes bright. I love her so much.

Thank you to Fox 2 for airing our story, and thank you to the owner of Jeepers, for finding it in your heart to help our family. We can't wait to see everyone at the spaghetti dinner.

Thank you to our family and friends who have taken care of us through this time. It has been a huge HUGE help.

May today be a great one.

Love,
Kimberly

Wednesday, March 9, 2005 4:35 PM CST

Well, today we went to go see Pacifier. It was pretty funny. Emerald smiled a few times, but was very quiet most of the day. Her dad said she didn't sleep most of the night, so that could be part of it. Her eyes are kind of bloodshot. She seems real tired.

We are happy that today, we got to see a movie. One more thing we could do that we didn' think we would...

Love,
Kimberly

Wednesday, March 9, 2005 8:00 AM CST

Good morning.

First, please visit Ray-Anne site. She became heaven's newest Angel.

Last night, Emerald was presented with a beautiful cross-stitched puppy quilt. She wasn't awake when they came but when she woke up, we showed her and she really loved it. I did take some pictures along with Blitzen in his cast. LOL I will try to put them up later, if I have time.

This morning, Emerald is up and awake. She looks good, she sounds good. When she sleeps she turns a bit blue, and her breathing is funny, and her heart races, when she is awake, she seems barely sicker than she was when we last went to the hospital. She can still use her left arm.

She wants to go to the movies today, we will take her. Our whole family is going to go. We have all been enjoying this time together.

I wanted to also say that I am so very proud of all of our family. My family, Rene's family, Shawn's family. You wouldn't even know that we aren't very social together. We all are connected by this beautiful Angel here on earth, Emerald. When together, everyone works together to make life nice for Emerald, and for all of us. It is impressive.

Emerald is being her same sarcastic self, well, most of the time. When the hospice nurse comes she has no issues to tell them to leave her alone, or not to talk about her. She is in NO pain what-so-ever. She has been up to the bathroom. She is biting her fingernails. She can see the TV today, she couldn't for the last two days.

Another day, we can make the most of, at least so far.

Lots of Love,
Kimberly

PS... of course, I keep updating, it is my escape from life... to be on the computer. It helps me cope, along with my sarcasm. (I bet you didn't notice that!) Hello to all my old friends from school and different places of employment.

Our number is 586-468-1668. If anyone feels they have to call. It is OK. If you feel you should stop by though, you should call first. Emerald hasn't been wanting visitors.

Tuesday, March 8, 2005 8:29 PM CST

Well, today was a good day. We made a cake in her easy bake bratz oven. She had been wanting to do that, and yesterday, I thought we wouldn't be able to. Well, it was a great thing to have her awake and aware today. She was amazed. She asked me if "she survived a coma"... I said yes, and that she was the strongest kid ever. She is so funny. She called her dad a butt-cheese, you know did all those important things.

Yesterday when she was so out of it... she told me that she had a secret. When I asked her what it was... she said... "nevermind". It is oddly comforting to see her talking to "other" people. It helps me to believe that there is something else besides this life.

Tonight she is resting comfortably. They switched her to a pill form of morphine. It lasts 12 hours, so she has been in and out of it all day, but today was so different than yesterday. Today we didn't feel like she was on the edge of being gone. She was very much here. She remembered today. She didn't remember yesterday. Her heart was racing earlier, something to be expected. She breaths kind of funny when she is sleeping, seems a bit labored. But when she is awake, it is very normal.

My family has been here non stop to help with the things that needed to be done. I have been able to just concentrate on me and Emerald. Sometimes more me, sometimes more her.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but either way, every moment is so worth it. I am so glad I got to be her mom. She was the best thing that ever happened to me. She was a life changing event.

Lots of Love,
Kimberly

Tuesday, March 8th, 305 pm EST

I forgot something, yesterday, when we were calling hospice and had noticed Emerald was having troubles, Emerald's puppy jumped out of my friend Lisa's hands and broke its leg. Please keep our little puppy in your prayers, too!

Also, Emerald is still doing well, they gave her a morphine pill, so we don't have to be constantly dosing her. She isn't in any pain right now. She is resting well. Hospice came out and said her lungs sounded good, and she looked good too! Today is a gift. We will take it!

Love, Kimberly
Tuesday, March 8, 2005 7:17 AM CST

Good Morning.

This morning Emerald woke up at about 530 AM. She has been responsive and talking with us since. At the same time, Ian threw up in his crib, and Anya peed the bed. What a strange night!

Anyway, Emerald seems OK for right now. I mean I wouldn't get my hopes up, but she is talking, and really "with us and in the moment" despite the morphine.

I need to get her back on the couch, she is in the bathroom. I guess we are lucky to get a bit more time with our Angel.

We were on the news last night! Fox 2.. Detroit. If anyone can get a copy of the clip I will put it on the site.

Thanks,
Kimberly

Monday, March 7, 2005 1:23 PM CST

Emerald is in and out of "awakeness". She sometimes is talking to someone else. She said she wanted to tell me a secret and then she said to forget it. We keep telling her it is OK to go. I told her to go play with her friends and then she was out of it again.

They said within the next day or so. Our house is filled with people for the second day, who love Emerald. Love is Magic.

Hugs,

Kimberly

Monday, March 7, 2005 9:35 AM

Emerald needed morphine again twice last night. This morning she woke up and couldn't follow my fingers with her eyes, she said I was annoying her because she WAS following them. I called hospice and someone is coming out. A bit later, she could follow them, but her eyes looked like they were jumping funny. I have read about this on other kids sites. She said she wanted to take a nap, so I told her to give me a kiss before she did.

Please take a look at the picture slideshow, that is my daughter, I love her so much..

She is currently in no pain despite the morphine wearing off. Please pray that it stays that way.




Sunday, March 6, 2005 7:41 PM CST
Let me start off by saying that I am completely and utterly overwhelmed almost with a trouble of verbalising what I want to say!

On Saturday, my friend Kathy from North Carolina came to take Emerald's picture. She also took pictures of Anya and Ian... alone and with Emerald. The link to download the slideshow is HERE! Please check them out. I think they came out so beautiful, and they really show Emerald the way that I see her. Thank you, Kathy! I am really touched that you came all the way to Michigan to capture Emerald.

After that, a couple friends from my soap board came to visit from Indiana another from here in Michigan and redid Emerald's room. Here are the pictures. Actually they are their pictures. I hope they don't mind me posting them here!











Emerald didn't feel real well yesterday, she still had that cough, and with everyone visiting, I think she was really overwhelmed. So if you were supposed to stop by and didn't please don't think we don't want you to. Please feel free to stop by sometime this week. It was just too much for her.

Rene's family came to help us decorate, and my friend (and Emerald's Aunt) from New York is staying here with us for the week, with Emerald's cousins, Brandon and Nick.

Today, we woke up and Emerald had been sleeping funny in the recliner, I noticed when I woke up. I can't totally rule out tumor issues, but she didn't have the same problem the rest of the day. Her neck hurt her so badly, I gave her morphine. It helped, and she went on to have a lovely party. Starting at 2 PM, the people started streaming in. I think that there had to have been about 80 people here during the course of the day. Emerald had a good time. She looked tired, but happy! She got lots and lots of things and so many people who love her were here to visit. Couldn't ask for a better day! Shelley from Shelley's Photography came and took pictures of the party and of Everyone with Emerald. Some people had left before she arrived, so we didn't get everyone, but I think we got many of them! Shelley did a great job with Emerald's pictures when we got them done a while back. We really enjoyed her and her husband. I still need to get some frames to put them up. Looking for nicer ones, in different sizes. (Hint, Hint! Just kidding. Editted to add that this wasn't a comment meant for Shelley... just the general reader! I don't want you to think I was asking for more than what you have already done. We are in awe of how big your heart is, thank you.)

Thank you to Shelley's Photography, Hungry Howies, The Pepsi People, and Baskin Robbins in Livonia for donating to Emerald's party. It was a great time!

I am sure there are more people to thank, but I am very tired now.. it has been an exhasting couple of days.

Much Love and appreciation.

Kimberly

Friday, March 4, 2005 4:53 PM CST

I have been thinking of things to write all day long. Just haven't been able to express myself in writing.

Yesterday, was an exhausting day for me. Not because of Emerald's physical needs, but rather for my emotional and physical need for her to stay with me. My friend Holly came over and helped me go through some of Emerald's things in her room, and generally clean it. She gets lots of smiles from the presents people send her... so we needed to get that all straightened out. It was hard for me to go through all that stuff. I cried often. Hol finally left around 1, maybe a bit later... and I decided to light two candles for Melody. Emerald asked me what they were for, we fell asleep on the couch together. I woke up this morning to find that Melody had passed at almost the same time I lit the candles. Please visit their family and leave a message to let them know you care, most of you probably already have. I know we aren't the only journal that you read!

Emerald is doing OK, she seems a bit pale though and she has a bruise by her elbow, nothing else anywhere though. They put her on ritalin to help give her some energy, so she can enjoy more things... but she is complaining of not feeling "right" today. So I am going to hold off and see if she feels better this weekend before giving it to her again. She said that she felt like something was wrong. Of course, my heart sank. It is really difficult to switch gears. From fighting for her to get well, to trying to just keep her comfortable and talking with her about being an angel. All of my being tells me to fight for her, beg her to stay... But I know that it isn't what I should do.. I would like for her to get a mircle. I have been reading about several clinical trials that are in the makes and I hope we will be able to get through this and into one of them. Who knows, we may get that miracle.

Please remember the benefit information, the party info (it is Sunday, and in the journal history) and also the RELAY FOR LIFE event that my friend Becky is doing. We would be honored for you to make a donation in Emerald's name.

I may add more later. I am not thinking quite right at the moment.

Love,
Kimberly

Wednesday, March 2, 2005 9:44 PM CST

The following was a picture sent to us by someone who cares. This is Kayla the daughter of Sandee. Sandee is also fighting a battle with cancer. Please check out this wonderful family! I think some of you already know of her...



Becky is up to $190. Almost to half way of her modest goal. Emerald would be honored if you could make a small donation to her site. She is walking for many who are battling this beast. Check out her webpage. It is Here! Emerald would also appreciate this. Please help find the cure for this terrible disease.

Remember there is a party THIS Sunday here at our house! Everyone is invited!

Emerald's House
43435 Park Dr. E
Clinton Twp., MI 48036

The party starts at 2 PM and goes until whenever. Don't think you have to be on time. It is open house style. The party is on the 6th of March... THIS SUNDAY.

The benefit information...

Come join us at the Crew’s Inn on Sunday, March 13 at 2 pm for a spaghetti dinner and live entertainment from the Replica Junkies.
Where: Crew's Inn
31988 N River Rd, Harrison Township, MI 48045 (586) 463-8144
Featuring: Replica Junkies
When: Sunday, March 13, 2005
2:00pm-??
Cost $10.00 Adults / $5.00 Children
Checks payable to: Emerald Maes

I forgot to mention that Emerald's class got a star named after her. How cool is that?

So many cool things have been happening in the way of generousity of people who have heard our story. It is wonderful, and sometimes overwhelming. I honestly don't want to leave anyone out, if I ever do, forgive me, it isn't intentional. I have been given the gift of seeing the kindness in people, after many years of being jaded. The last year has been wonderful in as many ways as it has been hard.

Emerald's cold is still in full force. Her head is very congested, and today her ears popped, and now she goes between not hearing and hearing too loud. She is a bit dizzy still, but it doesn't seem as pronounced as it was before. It could be because she doesn't get up as much as she was. Her coughing is still there, more productive now... which is good. She still seems OK.

She has given me a few rules to live by. They started with 3 and the list kept growing.

1. I must never, EVER commit suicide. (She has nothing to fear, I reassured her.)

2. I must try to be reasonably happy, and not too sad. (This will be the killer here.)

3. I must not leave Anya and Ian... they need me. At the same time, she doesn't want me to move to a destructive pattern of drinking and taking other people perscription medications...

4. I must keep working.

I think that is it for now.. I can't remember the rest. It makes me smile... Well, her love for me and the kids makes me smile.

Then later that day, she had a complete fit. Yelling that she wanted to be me... she didn't want to wear anything but black (OK, so she sounds like a teenager here...) and she wanted to run away and hide from cancer and from her life. That this wasn't fair. That she wanted to be gone now. Of course, we spoke about all this. She is OK now. It was just one of those moments and I think if anyone deserves to say what is on their mind... it is her.

PT came yesterday and told me that she was only authorised one visit with the therapist and she was going to assess her and then show us some range of motion excercises. I ended up sending her away. We don't need to be shown range of motion excercises. We have been trying to do them since last year. The problem is that she refuses to do these things with me now. Turns out it was a misunderstaning and she is supposed to come once a week to help keep Emerald strong. I was so upset yesterday that I couldn't even bring myself to post about it.

Emerald got a MASSIVE amount of presents in the mail today from Griffin Yarbrough's family and friends. Emerald was very surprised and excited. She also got a present from Cheyenne's parents, and I also want to thank them for their gift to our family. My sister in law, Karen and her family have also been extremely generous and I have trouble expressing my gratitude. Everyone from the Soap Dish Forum. Wow! When I became a member of that group, the divine must have had a hand in that, because they have been such a blessing. To Holly, Kris and Jennifer. Thank you for all your hard work. To Wendy, more of the same. To those that have donated to make Emerald's party wonderful, THANK YOU. To those of you who have done anything in your heart to help us, we appreciate it. To my caringbridge family... I honestly don't know how I would do this, if I didn't have you helping me. To those who just started this journey, to those who have been walking it, those in the same place I am, to those who are in the inner circle... I thank you.

To my family and friends. There isn't anything I can say to express how grateful I am. If you are just reading this journal and we have touched you in some way, and it starts a spark and empowers your to do something good in the world.... well, we love you... because you will keep Emerald's spirit alive, no matter what happens.

Well, enough from me today. I have tons to do tonight... I think there was more I wanted to say, but I ran out of steam somewhere... LOL

Full of Love to those that care,
Kimberly & My Precious Gem.

Tuesday, March 1, 2005 8:42 AM CST

My friend Becky is doing a Relay for Life Event in honor of her Uncle Don and my Emerald. We would love it, if you could donate, even $5, in honor of Emerald and in support of Becky. Her webpage is Here! Emerald would also appreciate this. Please help find the cure for this terrible disease.

OK, first for the kids at Emerald's school who I promised our real address.

Emerald's House
43435 Park Dr. E
Clinton Twp., MI 48036

The party starts at 2 PM and goes until whenever. Don't think you have to be on time. It is open house style. The party is on the 6th of March... THIS SUNDAY.

The benefit information...

Come join us at the Crew’s Inn on Sunday, March 13 at 2 pm for a spaghetti dinner and live entertainment from the Replica Junkies.
Where: Crew's Inn
31988 N River Rd, Harrison Township, MI 48045 (586) 463-8144
Featuring: Replica Junkies
When: Sunday, March 13, 2005
2:00pm-??
Cost $10.00 Adults / $5.00 Children
Checks payable to: Emerald Maes

OK... so now that I got that out of the way. Yesterday was a wonderful for day for Emerald.

We got up. Our hospice nurse came and checked her out. My mom came to watch Anya and Ian.. and cleaned up (thanks) and then me and Es were off to her school. She wanted to visit, but not actually go back to work. So we planned it when we spoke to the school. When we got there they surprised her by having a birthday party, with cupcakes, ice cream, presents and a clown. Many of her favorite teachers, and everyone got their picture taken with her... it was a wonderful time. Of course, I was bawling when they were singing "Happy Birthday". I usually cry anyway, but this year was a bit harder. She had such a good time, that when we got into the car, she said,"You know when people care about you, when they do something like that and they aren't related! That was the best birthday at school I have EVER had!" Afterwards we came home and we watch 3 of the 5 movies they gave Emerald and had popcorn and some candy.

Thank you to the staff, the guitar bus and everyone else who contributed to the gift cards. How wonderful for us, and something we can really use.

Emerald had a bit of neck pain when she woke up. I am pretty sure it was how she was sleeping. With her head kind of tilted back. At least that is what I am telling myself. I asked if hospice would tell me if they thought she was declining becuase I don't want to think I am going crazy. I also want to make sure than I am firmly grounded in reality. If she looks better than she will tell me that too. Like her coughing. It has improved greatly, she did comment on that. She even seems a bit stronger to me when I take her to the bathroom.

I told her the other day that if she had to go be an angel that maybe she should take me with her. She told me that I needed to stay here with Anya and Ian... because she didn't know how they would make it without me. Then she looked at me and said, "I don't know how I will make it without you."

This isn't to say that we are giving up hope, because in the same breath, she will talk about all the things she is going to do in the future. How she is going to be president... how she will have to get by with only using one arm... Since seeing her friends, she has been less depressed. It was truly a blessing.

I am doing OK. Getting by. The kids are feeling a bit better.

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear. ~Ambrose Redmoon

Lot of people to thank... We are very appreciative...

If any parent has their child taking protocel right now... I have a 16 oz bottle that we are not taking... if you would like it, please email me.

Lots of Love,
Kimberly & her angel here on earth, Emerald.

Sunday, February 27, 2005 9:18 PM CST

First I wanted to tell those of you who just received my latest email, that I apologise for the use of the nasty word in the attachment. It was an accident, well kind of an accident, I was having a bad moment, I emailed it back to Holly, who I was talking to on the phone, and now I look like a tactless twit. Alright, I can handle that... but wanted to apologise, so people didn't think that I did it on purpose, I mean it was on purpose, but it wasn't intended for your eyes.

Anyway, moving on...

Thank you to the families at Carkenord that have called, emailed or stopped by. Thank you also to my classmates from AHS that have emailed Holly about us. I appreciate it. To those of you who have brought us meals... We thank you! We have some fantastic pot pie this evening. I even had a bit (I am dieting...) and it was wonderful! Thanks for the other stuff too. The kids had a night time snack of Life Cereal... I never even knew Emerald liked that!

I found out tonight that my friend Becky's Aunt used to work with me at Arbor Drugs... Forever ago. She and her daughter were bringing dinner tonight, and she said noticed that she knew me! How interesting, and what a small world. Thank you!

March 13th. Emerald's benefit. I am posting a flyer and if you can make it great, if you can't. I will hope that you will pass the flyer along. I can't seem to post it to the site... My brain is fried. If you would like a copy of said flyer please email me and I will be happy to send it along to you. emislema@yahoo.com

Now for Emerald news. Emerald is feeling well... She had a bit of neck pain today. I gave her motrin... and I am hoping that it is just from the act of living, and not from the tumor. Excited about visiting school tomorrow, was happy to see her classmates and Ms. Rose today. She seems like she is doing so well. It is hard to believe that she could be gone in a couple weeks. I mean, I truly can't believe it. My throat is sore from crying. No, I don't necessarily cry in front of Emerald... but the kids is very wise. She knows what this news means. I think she would think it was weird if I WASN'T upset. I know I would be kind of PO'd of I found that everyone around me was acting happy once they heard the news. She said that she isn't scared at whatever life throws at her. She puts thoughts of having another resection up there with death. At least for right now. We talked about it, and she said she isn't ready, she feels like she is still healing. I just hope that this chemo does its job. Die George, Die.

Here is the benefit info.

Come join us at the Crew’s Inn on Sunday, March 13 at 2 pm for a spaghetti dinner and live entertainment from the Replica Junkies.
Where: Crew's Inn
31988 N River Rd, Harrison Township, MI 48045 (586) 463-8144
Featuring:
When: Sunday, March 13, 2005
2:00pm-??
Cost $10.00 Adults / $5.00 Children
Checks payable to: Emerald Maes

Love,

Emerald and her tactless mother. :)

Saturday, February 26, 2005 7:50 AM CST

I have been kind of mopey lately... I don't know. I know you are all saying... "duh" of course you are. But I just feel so useless. I never in a million years thought this was going to happen when we went to the doctor on Monday. I mean, I have been sitting at home with Es waiting for the appointment so we could get moving on chemo. I am just stunned. It doesn't seem real.


Someone wanted me to post a picture of Blitzen in his Cancer Sucks shirt. Here he is eating his dinner.


I am posting information about Emerald's party above. We moved it up. Way up. I am working with the least possible time frame they gave us.

Emerald is feeling OK today, she ate a donut hole that Holly dropped off by herself! I feel like jumping up and down like I have won the lottery. Her cough is still bad, but she sounds like she is coughing stronger and stronger. Which is a good thing. She can still work it out. She is in good spirits. She is expressing annoyance that she doesn't have any friends to stop by. I mean it makes sense. In 2000, we moved to Royal Oak, in 2002, we moved back to where we are now, and then last year she was rarely in school due to this tumor and this year I switched her schools and now she is home. It sucks.

Thank you to those who have brought food and stuff for the kids. We appreciate it. It helps, we feel loved.

Lots of Love,
Kimberly

Friday, February 25, 2005 5:54 PM CST

Hello. Emerald is feeling OK, she has caught what the kids had`and is now really trying hard to cough up some garbage.

We had two hospice visits today, one that dealt with both adults and kids, and one that just deals with children. We went with the later. I just think it is the best for us.

Emerald will be starting antibiotics tonight to help with her cough, hopefully she will be able to get rid of it quickly.

She is still in good spirits and aside from the cough she seems a bit stronger to me. Physical therapy will be coming to the house instead of us going out for it, and they will also be doing her finger picks here. This is much nicer for our family.

Aside from that I don't have much to say, the amount of support I have gotten in the last few days has been amazing. I really appreciate it. Not having to worry about food or toilet paper, or even bills is really great. Please don't stop. There is a benefit in the works for the 13th of March. I will have more details soon.

Talk to you all soon.

Love,
Kimberly

Thursday, February 24, 2005 9:03 AM CST

Quick update. Emerald can get her left arm to her nose! Thank you decadron!



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I also wanted to add something about Emerald room. I have a couple people asking about bedding. I haven't gotten around to emailing just yet. She also wanted something else for her room. When we painted her room, we made it so the walls were two tone, washed on kind of, my sister Kelly did it for her. She put spray on sand type paint at the bottom of the wall, and then we spayed on some glitter paint on the rest of the wall so it looked like the bottom of the deep blue sea. She wanted some fishies and Mermaids for her wall. They would have to be bigger ones. We were thinking that if someone wanted to cut some fish out of wood, then paint them so we could attach them to the wall for a 3-d effect that would be way cool. Her beds are twin size.



Good morning. I am doing really well on my diet. As a matter of fact, it has become suddenly very easy. Es and I are calling it my medical weight loss plan. She has something medical and I don't eat. I am making myself eat, so don't worry about me getting sick. I just don't have to worry about over eating. I don't think I have EVER been under this much stress in my whole life.

People keep asking me how I am doing. Well. Every day up until this one, has been better than this one.

This morning Emerald seemed able to lift up her left arm a bit better, but she is getting testy from the steroids and probably at the same time trying to process what all this means. I read that this chemo will probably make her hair fall out. Which sucks. I mean if it doesn't work, she won't have any hair when she passes. I want her to look MY Emerald. But I don't want to give up the hope of having her for another few months.

Thank you to those of you who have helped to offer support. Thank you to Griffin's mom for calling me. I really appreciated it. Thank you to all of you who have called. Just hearing voices and having people stop by makes me feel better. Even if I don't talk. I don't want to talk a lot, I mean there is nothing to say, but I don't want to feel alone either. So if there is silence. Don't think it is an uncomfortable silence... it is fine and just how it is supposed to be.

I ordered the party supplies for Emerald's party thanks to the new credit card I got in the mail... (shhhh...don't say a word...) I had to call because the stuff she wanted was back ordered until the 15th of March. We won't be waiting that long. As soon as I get a rough estimate on the delivery time for the stuff, I will be letting you know when the party is. We decided on an open house type of party. ALL friends and family are invited to come to the party. Anytime from 2 pm, until whenever they stop coming. Come visit us, visit with Emerald. Come prepared with jokes to make her laugh and enjoy some pizza (thanks to Angelina's mom and Hungry Howies) and cake. If someone could video tape it, that would be appreciated, as I would like to have it all on tape.

One minute I can't breathe and the next I think it will be OK. Emerald knows we will be OK. She said that I would "do fine." She knows that she will be free from her broken body. I think that she likes that idea. She said that she would always be there, but she wouldn't send me signs because she wouldn't want to scare me. :)

On a silly note, we decided to call this "George's second term". We tried to get rid of him, but he came back anyway. Maybe she should have named it something a bit less persistant...

Emerald is still giving me those smiles. Since the first one, they have melted my heart.

Love,
Kimberly & Princess Emerald

I want to let you know that we are NOT giving up hope, although our focus on what we hope for may change over the next few weeks. We are just trying to go with the flow. Please email Holly if you would like to help out somehow. She is my current contact person. Her email is above the journal area.

Thanks

Wednesday, February 23, 2005 8:22 AM CST

Emerald slept really well last night. I am glad. It was an exhausting evening for the both of us.

There are so many things I want to say, so may wonderful things about her I could comment on. She has always been such a gift.

I am hanging on to the shred of hope that perhaps this chemotherapy will stop this tumor. It won't make her sick, or it shouldn't. But at least we feel that we aren't giving up hope. There is still a glimmer there.

I don't know if her birthday party will be moved up or not. We will discuss this when we get home.. and keep you updated. People ask if there is anything they can do. Right now... I don't know. I spoke with Olivia's mom and my friend Holly about having people bring food. Right now, I just can't seem to pull it together. If someone could help out by making sure I can keep Anya and Ian nourished that would be extremely helpful. I would prefer to not work until the end of this. Although, I can't possibly see that happening.

We will be getting pictures of the kids done ASAP. Emerald won't be going to school, but we will be there to visit a few times. She misses them.

I honestly don't know how other parents have done this. How can I walk my child to heaven. When I walk I stumble over my own feet. I am hard of hearing and when I am upset, it is only worse, I can only hear about 50f what I am being told. I am the type that eats when I am stressed... and I am not hungry in the least bit.

Please pray that the chemo works. Please pray that the only person to suffer through this mess, is me.

Kimberly

Tuesday, February 22, 2005 6:29 PM CST

Thanks to everyone for the guestbook messages. Em and I are OK, we spent the evening talking. She pretty much understands what this all means. She knows that if this chemo doesn't work, then we are out of options. We discussed pain and how we will do everything in our power to fix any pain that she has. We discussed even what she wants to do with some of her things. She said that she was a little scared, because she doesn't know how to be an angel. We discussed the other kids we knew that have passed. She brought up Olivia. She said, "Some people will be glad if I pass, because then I will have no pain. You know Olivia? I was sort of glad when she passed because things got to a point where they were getting worse and worse, and she was in pain. And now she isn't in any pain at all. I will be happy if I have no pain." It has been a really interesting night. She is so graceful and strong. She is feeling OK, and her smile is as beautiful as ever. We are happy to be going home, and busy discussing lots of different things.

Hold your loved ones tight.

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The words aren't coming so easily tonight.

The doctor came to tell me that Emerald's tumor has grown back, and then some. It is growing into her brainstem.

They will be giving her oral chemotherapy VP-16 to see if we can hold it off, but even then, it is unlikely to be anything but a temporary solution.

They said she could be gone in a few weeks or a few months.

On a silly note... when the doctor asked her if she had any questions... being the jokester that she is, she said, "Yep. How fast does a Cheetah run?"

My cell phone isn't working, it ran out of charge please call me at 734-763-7445.

Lots of Love..

Kimberly

Tuesday, February 22, 2005 11:18 AM CST

Emerald had an MRI this morning. CT scan at one.

My email isn't working. I put a new email at the bottom of the journal, use that for now.

I also added our room phone number under her PO box address. Please use that to call first, because I don't have a charger for my phone here.

If anyone is going to be coming from near my house to here. We could use a few things. As fun as it is, I can't afford, nor do I need to buy anymore clothing... LOL

Our friend Emily, and her cousin Allison and Emily's mom and dad came here to see us at the hospital. Emily was a patient here last year. It was nice to see some familiar faces. Thanks!

Love,
Kimberly & Emerald

PS, as soon as I get the results from the MRI, I will update again.

Monday, February 21, 2005 12:48 AM CST

Hi, Thanks Keri for updating for me. We are currently waiting for a CT scan. Then we will be waiting for an MRI. They believe that Emerald may have something called a syrinx. It is just a fluid filled cyst that accompanies tumors in the spinal cord. They may be able to drain it and relieve the pressure causing her symptoms. This is the best case senario, hopefully, this is what is causing the sudden problems.

Emerald is in good spirits. Thanks for checking on us, and I will update again when I get a minute.

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hi everyone. this is kim's sister keri. she wanted you all to know that emma was admitted today to mott's hospital (u of m) they are concerned that she may have a fluid pocket above the tumor site. they may have to drain it and are also dicussing installing her chemo port...if you need or want to contact kim...here cell number is 248-252-2590. thanks, keri

Monday, February 21, 2005 12:48 AM CST

Hi, Thanks Keri for updating for me. We are currently waiting for a CT scan. Then we will be waiting for an MRI. They believe that Emerald may have something called a syrinx. It is just a fluid filled cyst that accompanies tumors in the spinal cord. They may be able to drain it and relieve the pressure causing her symptoms. This is the best case senario, hopefully, this is what is causing the sudden problems.

Emerald is in good spirits. Thanks for checking on us, and I will update again when I get a minute.

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hi everyone. this is kim's sister keri. she wanted you all to know that emma was admitted today to mott's hospital (u of m) they are concerned that she may have a fluid pocket above the tumor site. they may have to drain it and are also dicussing installing her chemo port...if you need or want to contact kim...here cell number is 248-252-2590. thanks, keri

Sunday, February 20, 2005 9:51 AM CST

Please keep Sarah's family in your prayers, she passed away this morning. Sarah's beautiful face always takes my breath away to see it. Still does. She is a beautiful girl, and now a beautiful angel.

Heaven must be a wonderful place to do daycare, because there are so many wonderful children there.

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Emerald said that her right leg feels like it is asleep. Great. I can't stop crying when I walk away from her, I am scared, she is scared. I emailed Dr. Jallo asking what he recommends.

Wednesday Emerald was drinking out of a sippy cup by herself. Last Sunday, Rene was over and he and Emerald had popcorn, Es ate it herself. He told me today that she couldn't lift up her arm on Thursday night. And asked me "why didn't you notice it?" Well, she woke up Thursday puking her guts out. She just didn't have the need to do anything but hold up the puke bucket... which she did. Thursday night when she got home she just slept... and mostly slept on Friday... she didn't have a reason to use her arm. THAT is why I didn't notice. If he noticed... why didn't he tell me? Just another reason why I should have been at the hospital. He shouldn't have been with her. He told me he thought that she wasn't able to lift her arm up since we came back from Baltimore, even though last weekend, she ate popcorn with him.

Gosh, I wish I would have been at the hospital. I would have had them do her cervial spine as well. I can't stop crying... I am so scared. I just love her so much.
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Anya woke up with the croup. Ian threw up on Friday. What the heck is going on here???????

Emerald's arm is even weaker this morning than it was yesterday. It seems clear to me that there is something more going on. She hasn't thrown up, but still feels sick to her stomach. She can't feed herself at all and is now completely relient on me to feed her. I keep doing OT things with her throughout the day. I help her, help herself to scratch her head and so forth, plus regular exercises.

This makes me very, very nervous. She seems fine otherwise.

We have our appointment in the morning. I am going to ask them to give us an MRI. Hopefully, we can get the chemo underway, ASAP.

I have a baby shower today, I will post more later if there are any changes.

Please continue to keep Sarah and Melody in your prayers.

Love,
Kimberly

Saturday, February 19, 2005 12:30 AM CST

Emerald is feeling much better now. The only problem is that because for the last 5 days she hasn't done anything... and I mean nothing, she is now back to what seems square one with her rehab. Even if she would have been in the hospital, they wouldn't have done anything with her, but now, I have so much more to do with her. She needs to be in rehab more, but they have too many patients and not enough space suddenly. They are working really hard to get her in... but it just isn't fast enough. So it is left to me. Because the state didn't give me daycare for my other two kids. I am left with trying to do all this WHILE they are here. They are lovely children, but I don't know how I am going to do it. I suppose I just will. We need to get her back to where she was. She starts back to rehab on Tuesday. Give a bit of prayer that she gets stronger. She can't even get her hand to her mouth now... so I have to feed her.

Hopefully, with a bit of food and another day this will be resolved.



Emerald is feeling a bit better, she hasn't puked in a whole day. And she has been asking for more to drink. Ian threw up last night... but seems to be feeling OK. I am keeping everyone in for now. Hopefully, Es is feeling better by tomorrow... My friend Christianna is having a babyshower.

Took Blitzen in for a check up. The little guy is doing well. 7 week old lab puppies there and they were ENORMOUS compare to our little dog!!! I don't even think he will be that big when he is fully grown!!!

:)

That's about all for today, I will update again if there are futher developments!!! But looks like a boring day at our home!!!

Have a good one!

Love,
Kimberly & Es.

Friday, February 18, 2005 9:30 AM CST

Emerald is still feeling sick this morning, she threw up again a little while ago, but while weak, she is doing OK. At least she is hydrated.

While celebrating a stomach virus may sound odd... it is much better than tumor progression.

Thanks to everyone who has been leaving messages. We still need them... even if they say nothing really... we like to know you are out there. If you were in our home, you wouldn't have to talk just cough or breath loudly once in a while, but because this is on the internet... we need to actually see your coughs and breathing... LOL Sorry for the stupid analogy...

Hopefully, I can get stuff done today, now that I know Emerald is just regular sick...

Please continue to pray for Melody and Sarah, and their families.

Lots of Love,
Kimberly

Thursday, February 17, 2005 11:14 AM CST

1:46 AM: Well, I went to get Emerald at the hospital, her dad had to leave... we just got home. They believe she has a stomach virus, and obviously was severly dehydrated. No infection present in either blood or urine. She still doesn't feel well, but looks less dry (Haha), no honestly, they said that she didn't look as dehydrated as she was. No swelling in her brain... Gosh, that is a relief.

OK, off to bed... with all those fluids, we all know that means I will be getting up to take her potty... :) At least we are home.

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7 PM: Emerald's dad called, they don't see anything that would be causing the issues on the scan... and her blood work came back with no infection... and they are trying to get a urine sample now to test that. They think she may have just been dehydrated. She seems like she is doing better.

Thanks for checking on her.

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I spoke with Emerald's dad, they are running a blood test, and giving her IV fluids because she is so very dehydrated (as I knew...) and she is getting a CT scan. I will update again when he calls me... or rather when I get impatient and I call him. If anyone can come stay with the kids that I have here, so I can go stay with her, Rene would appreciate it, as he works midnights and hasn't slept yet today. Thanks.

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Emerald is on her way to the ER with her Dad. We had to carry her out to the car because she couldn't stand up because of dizziness. She was begging for us to take her. :(

He will call as soon as he knows anything. Thanks for checking on us.


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Emerald is still puking today, she is asking for fluids then throwing them up, almost immediately.

I called the doctor and they would have me bring her to the ER also. So Emerald's dad is going to take her as soon as he gets here (he just called and is on his way.)

Shawn got a second job at Starbucks... If all goes as planned he will be able to quit the job he has, go back to school to finish his degree, and with the varying hours, be home to help out some with the kids and daycare (not like he doesn't... he does, but he won't have to miss work) and the health benefits are a lot better. So for a while he is going to do both. Should be fun. (I am being sarcastic.) I think this is a really good move for him, especially the part about being able to go to school... AND it is closer to home.. a lot closer.

So due to that... if you come to help us out, I will be providing FREE starbucks coffee!!! :)

Here are a couple of pictures I wanted to quick add in...

Blitzen in his little vest.


Two kids... Two cheesy smiles! Ian adores Emerald, and the feeling is mutual.


This is Emerald and Anya.. they are so silly sometimes. Anya put her hand there to pull Emerald in to give her a hug... she does this usually and says... "I love you too..." and Emerald rolled her eyes because I was taking the picture, in normal Emerald style. See the scarf? Emerald's friend from school made that herself! Thanks!!!


I will let you know what is going on with Es as soon as I hear from Rene.

Love,
Kimberly

PS, Blitzen is a chihuahua.. he is about the size of a rat... LOL

Wednesday, February 16, 2005 4:11 PM CST

Quickie update... 2/17/05 12 am... please pray for Sammi, she is having surgery today. Her link is above.

Emerald is feeling about the same, so you can get an idea about what that is... she is using her wheelchair inside the house. We haven't used it in the house in a very long time, because she usually does so well. Please give Es an extra prayer today, I really want her to feel good.

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Just when I thought the sickness was stopped for the day. Emerald is almost puking now for the last hour. She hasn't puked yet, which is good, because she needs to keep the fluids in... but I am teetering on whether or not to take her to the ER. She starts feeling dizzy, even if she is sitting and then BAM! It hits her again.

The problem is that today, I started watching kids again, because I want to be able to pay my bills... so I have 2 extras here. And mine seem to be worse when there are others here... they get into things. It is being a really trying day.

I am having a hard time trying to figure out how to do all this. I mean, even with the generous support of the moose, camp quality, the people from the dish, and all the other kind hearts that have sent a donation to help us out, it obviously isn't enough to get us through treatment. Treatment may never end. I can't expect people to support us for the next two years, and I don't expect them to... but I am having a hard time figuring this out, without going insane. I never gave much thought to how people in this situation do it. I mean, you just do it, what choice do you have? But when this ends, I PROMISE I will dedicate my life to helping make this easier for other parents. Believe me that choosing whether or not to do something to make your child's days go by happier or spending the day chasing after a bunch of other people kids so you can pay the bills and then yours get almost no attention... WHEN THE NEED IT.. isn't a choice anyone should make. I guess I am lucky that I get be home, even if I am so busy, that I don't have time to pee.

I know I have reqested this before, and I am going to ask again... If anyone wants to donate their time to help us here in our home, please email me. Be specific on what you could do, and what you wouldn't do.

Because I this is the second update today, I want to add again, please leave us some guest book messages. We need the support... this last week has been kind of rough.

Thanks so much.

Kimberly

Wednesday, February 16, 2005 1:37 PM CST

You know your child has cancer when...

You know the correct term for a throw up bucket is an emesis basin, and you have them in your cupboards and in your car.

Mini Update: Emerald is feeling a bit better, she and Noelle are watching "Mean Girls" and Es is drinking as much as she can.

Emerald isn't feeling well today, once again she woke up sick to her stomach and throwing up. For us this is usually a sign of swelling, the last few times it meant tumor progression.

Hoping Monday gets here quickly, so we can get started with some new chemo, which will probably make her more sick... but hopefully rid the rest of this nasty tumor.

Pray that scientist hurry up and find a cure already, pray they have the money available for research. Pray that this tumor just stays stable for the time being.

Continue to keep Sarah and Melody in your prayers... as well as the other children and parents who are battling any kind of life threatening illness.

The throwing up usually only is in the mornings, so hopefully soon, she will stop, and we can start getting some fluids in her.

Her friend Noelle is over and she really wants to play and can't because she feels like crap.

Please leave us some guestbook messages. So many people visit... which is evident by the counter going up, but rarely do we get a message. We need to know that people care, even when there isn't something overly bad or good happening.

Lots of Love,

Kimberly

Tuesday, February 15, 2005 12:20 AM CST

I forgot something earlier. Emerald doesn't want to have a birthday party this year. I don't know what that is about... but anyone who knows Emerald knows that she plans her birthday about a year in advance. Last year was supposed to be a swimming party... but because she got sick we did something else. I am not certain what we are going to do about this, because she still wants presents... (Of course... ) Watch for further developments.

***Please note that ANYA will still be having a birthday party. I feel sometimes that Anya and Ian are left out because of all the attention Emerald gets... so we wouldn't want to add to that. Anything that would make Anya feel special on her big day (she will be 3!) is appreciated. Their birthdays are Emerald (3/27 going to be 11, it falls on Easter this year!) and Anya (3/23- going to be 3!!!)


Emerald had rehab this morning, they basically just do an evaluation, so we won't be getting too much until next week.

Emerald is feeling crappy again, I think it is the weather for certain. It seems when the pressure in the air goes up, so does her sickness. I have always been really sensitive to it, and I imagine that it would be that way if you had swelling in your central nervous system... I mean, it would only make you more sensitive.

I have been doing OK on my diet. Really missing eating fast food, though. Ahh well, my butt will thank me.

Please continue to keep Sarah and Melody... also Ben and Nicole in your prayers.

The puppy is doing well, getting potty trained. He is so small that I put a shirt that fits on a beanie baby on him... it says "cancer sucks". Emerald thought it was cute, so that is all that counts!

:)

Have a wonderful day. Be thankful for all that you have.

Love,
Kimberly

Tuesday, February 15, 2005 12:20 AM CST

I forgot something earlier. Emerald doesn't want to have a birthday party this year. I don't know what that is about... but anyone who knows Emerald knows that she plans her birthday about a year in advance. Last year was supposed to be a swimming party... but because she got sick we did something else. I am not certain what we are going to do about this, because she still wants presents... (Of course... ) Watch for further developments.

***Please note that ANYA will still be having a birthday party. I feel sometimes that Anya and Ian are left out because of all the attention Emerald gets... so we wouldn't want to add to that. Anything that would make Anya feel special on her big day (she will be 3!) is appreciated. Their birthdays are Emerald (3/27 going to be 11, it falls on Easter this year!) and Anya (3/23- going to be 3!!!)


Emerald had rehab this morning, they basically just do an evaluation, so we won't be getting too much until next week.

Emerald is feeling crappy again, I think it is the weather for certain. It seems when the pressure in the air goes up, so does her sickness. I have always been really sensitive to it, and I imagine that it would be that way if you had swelling in your central nervous system... I mean, it would only make you more sensitive.

I have been doing OK on my diet. Really missing eating fast food, though. Ahh well, my butt will thank me.

Please continue to keep Sarah and Melody... also Ben and Nicole in your prayers.

The puppy is doing well, getting potty trained. He is so small that I put a shirt that fits on a beanie baby on him... it says "cancer sucks". Emerald thought it was cute, so that is all that counts!

:)

Have a wonderful day. Be thankful for all that you have.

Love,
Kimberly

Monday, February 14, 2005 4:16 PM CST

On a happy note, I want to let everyone know that Shawn's Brother BJ and sil Karen, had a baby boy this evening. His name is Jonah (of course, I am assuming it is spelled that way. I could be wrong.) Congrats to BJ and Karen, and to the new big brother, Aden!



Please keep Sarah and Melody in your prayers, they are coming to the end of their journeys here on earth. PLEASE stop by their sites and let them know you are listening.

I will keep a candle lit for the next couple days. Please join me in helping light the way for these two beautiful girls who have taken my heart.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Love,

Kimberly

Friday, February 11, 2005 1:08 PM CST

If you ordered soap in the last month. I will be shipping early next week. I apologise for the delay. A lot of stuff was sold at our spaghetti dinner (which was great) but now I have to make more stuff (which is also great!).

Miss Emerald is doing well today. She is having a new symptom though. Instead of her little twitches, she will have a big one when she stretches after standing. She can feel it coming most times, but can't say anything, so she will be standing up and suddenly lean forward, kind of lurching forward bending at her waste. Which isn't too good on her neck, let me be the first to mention that. It usually happens when she first stands up, so I am trying to support her torso to keep her from going forward, and then also I am raising her baclofen back up a bit, to see if that fixes the problem. The little twitchs are all but gone, but this one is kind of scarier. We have an appoinment on the 21st so we will bring it up then.

I started a new diet. Hoping to lose some of this baby weight. I have been trying not to worry about it, but I don't feel good about myself, and even if being thinner doesn't change how I feel about myself, at least I won't be beating myself up every day while I am getting dressed.

Emerald will be back in school for half days beginning the 22nd. We are both excited that she is returning, as is the school. They are a wonderful group of people, who generously listen to me vent during IEPs. LOL They help me problem solve in both our school and home life. It helps.

We are going to try councelling. It has been really hard on our family. I know it is really hard for Shawn. Emerald isn't his, but he has been here with us for 6 years now, more than half her life. Even still... the responsibility of this falls to mostly me. He cares for her and they have great fun watching movies together lots of times. I think he really likes that she is at an age where she is enjoying and understanding more grown up movies. But at the same time, I think he is resentful of what this has done to our family. I know I am. It seems there is no time for the two of us. EVER. It just isn't a good situation and I am having a hard time fixing it. But, we love each other (even though we argue and yell) and we will work it out. If you are a pray-er... we could use a little one to help us through this mess. The last thing I would like to do is have our family fall apart because of this.

Well, I have a million orders to work on. If you have been thinking of ordering... now is a good time. I will be working on baskets for mother's day in the coming weeks, and updating the site with new scents.

If you were wanting a sticker we still have them available, you can order them by clicking the link above... just above the sticker.

Please keep Melody, Sarah, Nicole, Ray-Anne, and Ben in your prayers. Visit their sites and leave messages. We would all appreciate it!

Oh and hi to Courtney and the staff at Mt. Washington who checks on us. :)

Lots of Love,

Kimberly, Es and Blitzen (who is doing great!)

Wednesday, February 9, 2005 11:44 PM CST

Well, we got back from Baltimore around 3 AM on Wednesday. What an exhuasting trip. I wanted to stop and see Celeste's mom on the way home but it was so late by the time we got out of the hospital.. and it would have been too late to stop over... at least for the kids. Hopefully the next time we won't be so ill thought out and can make visiting a reality.

Dr. Jallo gave Emerald an Rx for a UTI that we think she may have. It has already helped... thank goodness, because the hourly bathroom trips were killing me.

She is not twitching as much. When she does twitch it is barely noticeable. We have decreased her baclofen to 5 mg every 12 hours and will probably do away with it, if the twitching is just mild like it is. That way her muscles can better work and get stronger.

She is balancing for longer every day. Her legs get tired if she isn't moving, but we keep increasing the time. She begins PT/OT here next Tuesday, they are having trouble finding spots... but we add to her schedule as they can find some.

Blitzen stayed with my mom and dad while we were gone. Thanks MOM! They enjoyed having the dog so much, I didn't know if they were going to bring him back!!! LOL At least we know who to count on for puppy sitting!

We got some really nice things while we were in Baltimore. My friends from my soap making forum got me and Es some build a bear animals... I got a bear, Es got a bunny, and they are all decked out in more stuff than you can imagine. Mine even has an angora looking pink hat... and Emerald's has sketchers that look like the ones I wear! Just too cute. My sister, Keri was opening the box and handing us stuff, and I got a little bookets they all wrote some quotes and kind words in. I just sat there crying....

We also got a box from Emerald's school. Which also got me all teary. Their was a sign that said "Emerald is our Gem"... and I am getting teary thinking about it. Emerald got a huge smile when she saw it, and started giggling. It was a picture of all the kids from her class from Halloween. Their were big glittery cards from the kids... Beanie Babies and other things from some of the kids and a card from her spanish teacher (thank you!)... it was wonderful.

When we got home, I found that the thumbie that the girls from FOA/RA and my friend Maree paid for had arrived. It is a small charm and chain of white gold made from Emerald's thumbprint. It is a very nice piece of jewelry, I am really happy with it and when I wear it, I will think of those who got it for me AND Emerald. Thank you so much for your generosity.

If I didn't mention it on here, we appreciate everything that comes in the mail. It is really nice for Emerald especially now, while she can't get up. Sometimes she feels trapped on the recliner.

Please keep Nicole, Harlei, Melody and Sarah in your prayers.

Lots of Love and Appreciation,

Kimberly and Emerald

Monday, February 7, 2005 7:32 AM CST

Harlei is having an Emergency MRI, please keep her in your prayers.

I will update later on when I find my camera!!



I just wanted to let everyone know that I am reachable by cell phone for the next two days. 2482522590

We are leaving today for Baltimore, we should only be there a short time because we are driving there for the appointment, staying over and driving back the next day. Next time I have to do this. I will fly. LOL

I am feeling better, finally.

Please keep Melody and her family in your prayers today. If you could light a candle for her, that would be wonderful.

Emerald is balancing better and better by the hour. Her legs are weak so it is only for a short time that she can stand, but this makes helping her go to the bathroom, a thousand times easier. Please keep the prayers coming. I want her to gain back her independence.

Love,
Kimberly

Sunday, February 6, 2005 10:27 AM CST

First things first, I will start off with the bit of good news. Emerald has been walking with help more and more steadily every day. Her leg doesn't get caught anymore when we are walking from the bathroom to the living room. I barely have to hold her up. So we are standing in the bathroom and I made sure she was standing up straight and on both legs.. She obviously favors one, because the right is so much weaker... Anyway, she balanced for a few seconds. She had a look of terror on her face for a second, but as soon as she saw she was doing it, she got a big huge smile. I have been having her bare all her weight on her right leg. It seems to have made a HUGE HUGE difference. We will be doing that a lot more also with her shoulder... I think it is the key to getting her arm stronger.

Well, I am feeling a bit better today, still having a tummy ache, but other than that, OK.

I was looking in my room yesterday, and found that Shawn had forgotten to give his brother Chad, his sil Elyse and his mom and dad their hanukkah presents. So they are still here at my house!!! I feel horrible, they probably thought we forgot about them. We didn't.

Also, please continue to keep our friends in your prayers.

Melody, Sarah, and Nicole...Along with their families... it is almost harder for the families. We have to watch helplessly as our children deal with this. They seem to handle it so much better than we do. Moms and Dads are supposed to kiss the hurts away.

Please keep in your prayers Lance and his family.

Please keep the families of the angels close to your heart as well. I can only imagine the pain they are going through each day without their children.

I read about all these kids and some days it is just so hard. They are all in some stage of where I have been or could be in the future. Just finding out, or spending those endless days wondering what the future holds and how lucky we are for the gift of time... the parents who have lost children all the hardest, both to visit and try to understand. No one should be in that spot EVER. It isn't just cancer either, there are plenty of illnesses out there that take away from us. It just makes me so sad.

So I thinking I got all the emotions in here... LOL

Thanks for visiting and for the guestbook messages. They mean a lot.


Love,
Kimberly & Es

Saturday, February 5, 2005 9:53 AM CST

I have been horrible about asking for prayers and well wishes for our friends. I apologise. I know that sometimes you give and sometimes you get. Right now, I have been getting so much more than giving... but certainly it will come around the other way.

Please check on our friends Melody and Ray-Anne. Also, our friend Nicole, which will be a new link added. She recently got news that her tumor is growing again. Visit Nicole here!

Another addition. Our friend Sarah's tumor has also grown, after consulting their doctors... who only offered more Temodar, steroids and eventually more surgery to relieve the pressure in her brain, they decided not to seek further treatment. As hard as that is for ME to come to terms with, it must be a 10000 times harder for them. I understand that there is no hope for a curing her through science... I just don't understand WHY this has to happen. No one does. And there may not even be a reason. Her link is above, please give them some support.

Update from earlier today...

I am so sick.

My two little ones are also sick.

Hope it doesn't last long.

Emerald is still well. If she gets what I have, we will need reinforcements, because I can barely take care of me right now.

Gotta go.

Friday, February 4, 2005 3:13 PM CST

Well, I finally heard from the wonderful state of Michigan. I made too much money in the month of December... to be eligible for daycare services now. Isn't that great. So even though I didn't work all of January, and of course, I didn't have any money left after Christmas and bills... It doesn't matter. I can't believe this crap. So now I have to make certain that I go back to work right away, to pay Andrea... and to make enough money for food and to pay our bills. 3X a week for Rehab (2 hours each time plus 45 minute drive each way). Then her trips to the oncologist every week, more if her counts are bad. And the new hospital is 67 miles away from here. How do they expect me to work AND take my kid to treatment? I must be missing something.

All this after that day I had to sit there for 5 hours because they said they called my name and I didn't hear it. I am so pissed off.

Anyway, that's my update. Glad the state is willing to help.



Well, he is here, Emerald's new puppy. His name is Blitzen, she is keeping the name Blitzen, because she says it suits him.

He is pretty tiny... he looks bigger in the picture than in person.

Anyway, that is all in the way of updates today. Emerald is working really hard each day. Sometimes she gets mad at me, but she still does what she needs to do. It will get better. Hopefully, sooner than later.

Just waiting for Rehab to get in touch with me, so I can get her back into their schedule. They are very excited to have her back.

Thanks for looking.

Kimberly & Es.

Wednesday, February 2, 2005 2:54 PM CST

Well, it is good to be home. Things have gone right back to normal... I woke up this morning and first thing... Anya clogged the toilet with babywipes... no TP in the bath! Poo water everywhere. Then I go into pick up Ian, and he had puked all over his bed. I get him undressed and I put him in the tub, I turn on the hot water... and the hot water lasts for only 5 minutes... and then it is icy cold. So I had to wash the subs off with cold water. As you can imagine, he wasn't too happy about that. So now I have to figure out what is wrong with my hot water heater.

If anyone wants to come and play games with Emerald... please email me. My house is a disaster... so you would have to ignore that... but she needs some friends to help her play with her dolls, play playdough, paint, draw, other kinds of crafts, puzzles... etc. This way, she won't be just watching TV and I will be able to do my things so I can make a little cash, and Anya and Ian will be properly supervised.

I asked this before, but no one came to just play with Es last year. If you live in this area... please consider spending a bit of time with Emerald.

Em is doing OK, she is getting a bit stronger every day. It seemed today that she almost was walking by herself. I had my hands on her, but I didn't have to hold her so hard. Hopefully, tomorrow will be puppy day. We are very excited to have a new addition to our family.

We have a neuro-oncology appointment on Feb 21st at 10:45 AM in Ann Arbor. Finally.

Gotta go,

Lots of Love and appreciation,

Kimberly, & Emerald

Monday, January 31, 2005 10:03 PM CST

Well, we finally made it home. A day later than we had expected, but we are here, and we are happy, and tired!

We went to leave on Sunday, but after talking (I *think* I might have yelled...) with the nurse, we decided to stay until morning because Dr. Nichols didn't feel safe letting us leave having the on call doctor discharge us. If we waited until morning, they would discharge us regular and ALSO avoid having them call Child Protective Services on me. I guess it is protocol. Fine. So we stayed over.

Honestly, I don't know what the hell happened. We had NO intention on Saturday morning of taking her out. We were in it for the long haul. I guess I had just thought all the kinks were worked out and they weren't. Add that to the stress of being gone a month, and the fact that Saturday was Emerald's diagnosis day. Ahhh well, you know. It was bound to be bad.

Anyway, the hospital isn't bad. There are many, many people there who care about the kids there. And care about the wackos like me who come through the doors just wanting the best for their kids. I think I was noticing every error, unfortunatly, I rarely knew who did what.

The PT/OT people, and most of the staff is really great. Honestly. We just needed to be home.

In fact, there is a certain 16 year old that we would like to say hello to, HI COURTNEY! She has been there a while, and will be there yet still longer. And I bet she would like some get well cards, so if you can find it in your heart to send a card, please email me emislema@yahoo.com

If you ordered soap and didn't pay for it with paypal... then could you please email me the order again, so I don't have to dig so much? I would appreciate it. I will be working on those orders ASAP.

Have a wonderful night and sweet dreams!

Love,
Kimberly, and Emerald (who is very happy to be home.)

Saturday, January 29, 2005 10:01 PM CST

Well today didn't go quite as we expected either... (I bet you are all shocked...)

First, we get the hospital, ready to take Es to the movies at 2 pm. It is 1 when we got there. We go in, she is eating lunch. The nurse tells me she had another headache and they gave her tylenol and oxycodone to make it go away, I specifically had the PA put to give her Motrin in her chart, because I find it works better, I mean why give her a narcotic if you don't have to. Anyway, so I was upset about that. Then I look down, and realise that the kid is still in her clothes that she wore the day before and slept in... and they STILL hadn't given her a bath. Now this is 4 days since I complained about it before, and now 8 days from the only bath she had in the place. They gave us a time limit on how long we could take her out, and I was so upset about the bath/medicine/not ready to go at 1 PM deal, that I threw a big fit. They rectified most of it immediately. BUT that doesn't mean that they will be doing their jobs from this day forward. So after calling some family and Emerald's Dad, Keri and I decided to take her home tomorrow. And bring her back on the 8 th when she has her appointment with Dr. Jallo.

As we were leaving tonight, Emerald also told us that the other night she had to go potty, she called for someone, they came and told her that if she wanted to go, she had to go on the bed pan because they didn't want to change her collar. Emerald refused and waited until morning to go. She was pretty upset about it. And I am too.

It has just been one thing after another. i did file a complaint about all these complaints. There are so many kids there with no parents who come every day, that they must not get complaints like this. I mean, if we would have taken a tour of this place, we might now have gone. A tour came through at 8 pm, and the food from the kids dinners, were still on the tables in the dining area. It just isn't a good situation.

Yes, we know what we are doing. We had her out tonight and I think we can handle it. In fact, she is a bit further than she was when we took her home the last time. We will be going back to rehab, ASAP. I don't think that I will be going back to work right away, it just won't make sense until I can get her oncology, and rehab schedule figured out.

Anyway, so the next time you hear from me, I will be home. THANK GOODNESS!!!

Oh we went to see the Fockers... funny movie!

Love,
Kimberly, Keri and an estatic Es!

Friday, January 28, 2005 11:34 PM CST

OK, well Emerald felt better the rest of the day, I emailed Dr. Jallo, and he is out of town this week, so we have to wait until next week. I had heard it from the doctor there, but it was really nice that he also emailed me himself. Makes me feel like my concerns are important.

Hopefully, this is just a bug and will go away on its own.

I also called her rehab at home, and got the skinny on how I can get things started there, and then spoke with oncology to get them to sign off on the perscription for rehab. (Because I can't have a Rx from a Maryland doc in Michigan... ) So that is all in the works.

Tomorrow, we got the OK to take her out for a few hours. So we are going to see a movie... provided she still feels OK. Then we are taking her on a little shopping trip and lunch on Sunday. She is very excited.

Speaking of excited... Keri and I today were leaving for a bit to pick up Emerald a "surprise" from the store... and we needed a few things... (what those things were totally escapes me, now.) When we were pulling into the hospital, my gas light started blinking. From that point I can usually go a little ways. Definitely a few miles. So I pull in, park and we go into see Es. Later on, we get the car and go. Traffic was horrible, so we had to go two turn arounds, the gas station is in the opposite direction. We ran out of gas about a block away from the gas station, right at the off ramp from the expressway. We get out and walk to the gas station buy a $10 gas can and then put in the 1.70 in gas. Walk back. Well this gas can is a "spill proof" model. We can't figure out how it works because there are no directions, and the spout is covered. After getting gas all over ourselves... we finally figure out that you are supposed to just put the covered spout into the hole and it retracts back and the gas goes in. We do this and nothing happens. We tried several different ways. The gas just comes out of the bottom where the screw part is. Spill proof my butt. So finally, Keri gets a pen, and I hold the top part back with my hand, and we pour about half the gas into the car. We drive to the gas station and tell the guy their gas cans are horrid and that we have this left over gas... and we fill up... attempt to wash off all the gas from ourselves. I actually had to take off my coats (I had two on.) and we put them into bags in the trunk. We decide that we need to eat because it was 6 and we hadn't yet that day. So on the way, I have this huge asthma attack. Luckily, I had my inhailer with me. Usually, it isn't that bad. So we had to drive with the windows open. The car at least doesn't smell so much and lungs are now tolerating it much better.

I am so glad to be back here at the Ronald McDonald House. Clean, warm and breathing normally...

I also wanted to let you know that you can order soap and stuff, just please know that I can't get them out until about a week after I get back :)

I think we found a dog for Es.. .she wants to name him GiGi.

Have a good night! Thanks for checking on us!

Lots of Love,

Kimberly, Es and Keri.

Friday, January 28, 2005 10:02 AM CST

Well, we had our family meeting yesterday.

Emerald is sitting there 24 hours a day, to get rehab for 3. It just seems like a waste of time. The care she is getting isn't as good as it would be at home, the meals at home are tastier, and we would all be home to enjoy our home and our family. So we are waiting for an appointment with Dr. Jallo, and hopefully they can get her rehab transfered back to where we were, and then we can get the heck out of here. I am so ready. If we didn't have to see Dr. Jallo, I would be gone already.

She also has had a headache for the last week, and this morning she threw up twice. I told them they should maybe call Dr. Jallo, and the lady I talked to looked at me like I was crazy. But, she has no fever. So I emailed him instead. Hopefully, he will call. That being said, I hope she is sick. It is much preferable to her having swelling in her brain. MUCH. But if that is what it is, I don't want to sit here wasting our time treating her as if she is sick, if she isn't.

She doesn't seem to making much progress. I think the problem is that the nurses don't do anything except the easiest things with the kids. For example, if Emerald has to go to the bathroom, they don't help her walk to the bathroom, they put her in her wheelchair and then drive that to the bathroom, then transfer her to the potty. So she is only getting the PT/OT when she specifically has PT/OT instead of throughout the day, when she would normally be doing those activities. She isn't active in her own care throughout the day, just during those 3 hours. I hope that makes sense. At home, she would be walking with me to the potty each time, she would be feeding herself at home, she would be TRYING to do more than they make her do here. I even noticed that she doesn't even help move herself, because they have told her not to. It just doesn't make sense. And I don't think the PT/OT people expect her to do nothing the rest of the time, but the nurses don't encourage her to do anything.

Anyway, enough of my complaining for the day. As soon as I find out when her appointment is, then we will be leaving that day. I decided that much already.

Love,
Kimberly

Wednesday, January 26, 2005 10:57 PM CST

Hi,

Rene isn't coming after all, he didn't get his check like he was expecting. Too bad, because Es was looking forward to seeing him. We have been gone for almost 4 weeks. I feel like I live here. I could live in this city, I really like it here.

I talked to the doctor when we got there today, we told him the collar was on wrong for two days, and he told me that was impossible because he put it on himself. That is good to know, because now I know who to blame when I bring the pictures I have with the collar on upside down on... I bet he didn't think I would have proof.

Es told me that she has been given sponge baths all week long, too. I requested that she take a real bath/shower tomorrow... so she can get cleaned up..

Our plan is to have them get the rehab in place when we get home. That way, we can start right away without missing time. Then see Dr. Jallo, and then we are out of here. I need to be home with my family. I miss them. Having a paycheck might be a good thing, too!

Well, the meeting is tomorrow... I will post then.

Here are a few pictures...

This is Es in her collar withe back upside down. See the little lines on the back... that part is supposed to be up by her head. It is pushing her ears all out of wack and she can't sit up straight.



Emerald being a silly.


Keri and Anya last weekend.


Me and the kids.


And a picture of Aden just before we left. Our nephew... he is so freaking cute!


And Ian and Aden.


More another time...

Lots of Love,
Kimberly, Es and Keri

Wednesday, January 26, 2005 10:07 AM CST

Hi,

Last night went well for Emerald. She was smilie and giggly... Still working hard. We got the OK from OT/PT to move her around. We watched White Chicks last night. Emerald likes the dance parts.

Still checking out dogs... I don't know...

Family meeting tomorrow, Rene is supposed to come tomorrow.

That is it I guess. My uncle Mike is home and doing OK.

Love,
Kimberly

Tuesday, January 25, 2005 3:42 PM CST

Hi, just a quickie today, we did things a bit different and went to see Es, but came home to nap and then go see her again.

When we got there, the nurse (to their credit... they have been very accomodating, especially as I am not the easiest person to please)told us that I haven't been complaining about nothing. The bottom of her collar was on upside down for the last two days. I didn't notice it, because they wouldn't let me fix it, it had to be the nurses...

Anyway, it is fixed now, and she won't have to wear it all the time, just when she is up and moving, I got the OK for that from Dr. Ain (ortho) today. I also got the OK from PT to move her to and from the bathroom, so I am allowed to help her walk now... I don't think her neck is as not strong as Dr. Ain thinks it is. I will give it another couple weeks and call him again. Maybe we can come to another compromise. He has only seen her in the hospital once, and had X rays from when she was only a few days out of surgery and because I see her all the time, I think we are looking at it from different perspectives.

I can't think of anything new. I think she has a cavity... and we have a family meeting on Thursday, I will re-evaluate our situation at that point. Possibly coming come after we see Dr. Jallo (I still need to make that appointment.)

OK,I think that is it for now, I haven't been online too much the last couple days. I think I am getting a bit sick.

Lots of Love,
Kimberly

Monday, January 24, 2005 10:13 PM CST

Hello.

Today, they planned a family meeting for us, only they didn't tell us until after 11 this morning... on my voicemail. So I didn't even know that there was one planned until after it was supposed to happen.

I guess I am just baffled on how this is supposed to work.

Em is doing really great today. Her right fingers and thumb are really moving. Not from OT... She told me in secret (so shhh...) that she has been working on trying to move them since she got there (it is what I said would get her home) so today, she could really grasp with her first finger! Go Em! She is amasing.

We are still trying to be patient, had a talk with the doctors and nurses about her clothing issues... and now, I am making an appointment with the ortho, and Dr. Jallo, so she can see the both of them before we go. Might as well have the rehab ship her to their offices rather have me drag her in and out.

I wanted to ask for prayers for my Uncle Michael. Someone broke into his home this last weekend and he was shot. From what I understand (I could be wrong..) it went from his arm to his stomach. He is expected to be OK... but it is just another thing we don't need.


Shawn said that Anya is missing me a whole lot more since they left. She is suddenly really clingy to Shawn. Her little face was so sad when she realised I was coming too. Poor kid. It is just so hard on all of us. Shawn said he got home after driving all that way, and realised that no one was home to shovel the driveway, the snow by the street was as high as his waist and the snow in the driveway was drifted about 2 feet. So had to do all that before he could even put the car in the driveway. Poor guy.

Anyway, I will update again tomorrow. We are one day closer to getting home, now!

Love,
Kimberly, Es and Keri

Sunday, January 23, 2005 10:49 PM CST

Good Evening!

First... Shawn left today and got back just fine. No snow on the way home and they are safe... well, they were close to home, I assume they are safe. We got into a little tiff before they left, because I just wanted them to stay. It is so darn hard having them there and me here.

Second, we just got back from seeing Es. She said that last night, they never changed her out of her clothes, they just left her in the same ones, and then changed her in the morning! At least they changed her socks, she had the same socks on yesterday morning than I had brought her there with. And a few times, no one came when we pressed the call button. I think we have it worked out now. I guess we will see tomorrow. I complained and will have to complain tomorrow, too.

When I got there she had this Miami J collar on. They put this thing on her on Friday and she is supposed to wear it for 6 weeks to keep her head from hanging over. So she is going potty when I get there, and her head looks like it is hanging forward. Now this is what the collar is supposed to prevent. Anyway, I tell the nurse that this isn't right... and we move her back to the wheelchair, where it looks better. Later on, she gets into bed, and we put on her regular soft collar. She says she has to go potty again, so we move her with the soft collar on. While she is sitting there her head is perfectly upright.

Now I am confused. I don't understand its purpose if it is pushing her head forward, and I am going to take pictures tomorrow and email them to the ortho... and explain that if this keeps happening and her neck heals that way, I will sue them, because it will be their fault. They need to do something and make certain that the collar that they are insisting she wear isn't hurting her neck while it is being pushed forward, because I am getting pissed off. She says it hurts her... complained last night of it, also. I am trying very hard to be patient and let them do their "magic"... it is very hard though, when I get told by the weekend nurse that from what she read about Emerald... that she has "gone backward" from when she arrived and that she was getting more PT with me.

(sigh)

More adventures of Emerald, tomorrow... stay tuned!

If we decide to pull her from this program (we are giving them til the end of this week then we will decide) we will have to do it Against Medical Advice... Please don't think I am being rash if this happens. Keri and I are being very patient, as is Miss Es. Keri is usually "the voice of reason"... for me while I am trying to decide, and she is confused by this whole thing as well.

Lots of Love,
Kimberly, Es, & Keriot.

Sunday, January 23, 2005 9:35 AM CST

Hi, sorry about the delay in updating.

Emerald is doing OK. She could move her right leg with her shoes on yesterday. All of this without PT. So it is coming back by itself. She is very excited because this means one step closer to going home. Hoping they can make her right arm gain back a bit of function.

She is anxious to get out of there. In fact, it is very hard to not just pull her out and ship her home. I am trying my hardest not to be rash.

Anya and Ian have been driving me crazy... LOL I have missed them like mad, but when we go to visit Es I spend more time trying to chase after them and not enough time with Emerald... Not that 2 days is going to matter much.

Anya is 100% potty trained. Night time... over a 10 hour drive... just not needing any diapers. She has been for a while... but still had accidents. Now she isn't even having any accidents. She is such a big girl. She is a little upset that she is going to have to leave me and Keri and Es here. She wants us to come home with her.

Ian is getting big. He is starting to converse with us, like we understand him. It is very cute.

OK, well that's my update for now. Sorry, I haven't had time to really respond to anyone. I spend a lot of time with Es, and then a lot of time trying to figure out how to get from there to here and back. Last night we were lost twice for about an hour each. You would think after 3 weeks, that I would have some understanding how to get places! LOL

Love,
Kimberly, Shawn, Es, Keri, Anya and Ian

Friday, January 21, 2005 11:08 PM CST

Hi again.

Emerald moved her right leg on her own when I was moving her to the bathroom. I mean, she moved it forward and stepped with it. I had to hold her up, her balance isn't quite right, but almost walking on her own.

But... they won't let her do anything until she gets through with her PT evaluations and so I am not allowed to have her "walking" to the bathroom. They won't be doing that until Monday. So I feel like it is just a waste that she is there for right now. But... her right leg is working... and for that... I would like to do a happy, happy dance.

Shawn and the kids did end up coming. They missed all the snow. The way home should be not good... and he may have to stay longer.. but at least they are here with us!! I was so excited to see all of them.

Hope that my friend Holly starts feeling better. She has a fever of 103. (I guess she is, hot blooded... hot bloooded!)

Emerald did cry a bit today and last night. But overall did ok with that. I think that once things start picking up and she gets working on her therapy.. .she will be doing a bit better. Now I think the focus is on her right arm (or at least in my opinion it should be), I really wanted to get her to where she is right now. So hopefully, she can get some of that right arm back.

OK, so I guess that is it for us.

Love,
Kimberly, Shawn, Emerald, Anya, Ian and Keri-Beri!

Friday, January 21, 2005 8:02 AM CST

Well, we made it here.

Yesterday was a bit rough on all of us. Moving Emerald went smoothly, but I am nervous having her there. Not that they aren't nice. Just that they kind of left her in her room, (we were there, still) by herself with a call button she can't reach. They keep just throwing it on her bed, like she can get to it. (noticed this when I left and came back a couple times.) Then they didn't bother to tell us how it worked, with her getting her meals, so hers sat in the kitchen area for an hour before we figured it out.

I didn't sleep there, all they have are these chair things. And I wanted Emerald to wake up and be able to start the day without my interference. Now, I am the type to do it all with her. But I just get in the way, and try to take over many times, and I don't think that is necessarily a good thing. (And for those that know me personally... stop shaking your head, about me taking over... LOL)

Anyway, that decision made Emerald cry. She was saying she was scared... but there is the nurses station right out in front of her room. She just was so sad, and wanted to go home.

Taking her potty today, she is definitely putting all her weight on her right leg now. I have an easier time moving it with her now as well. I have to keep my hands under her arms, but with one hand... I move her leg at the top of her theigh. She isn't hopping anymore, but rather using the leg to move herself. So that is good. She is doing really great that way.

There is a huge, huge snow storm expected here, and while I had ask Shawn to come here this weekend with my kids. It would be selfish of me to have them come when the weather from there to here will be so bad. So I am going to ask them to wait until maybe next week... or maybe we will be home by then. All depends on how fast Emerald moves her butt over there...

Well, I need to get out of here to go see the girl.

I will check back later tonight when I get a chance.

Oh and someone asked about Emerald nickname Es. It is a shortened version of Esmeralda. Which means "the Emerald" in spanish. We have been calling her that since she was 2.

Love,
Kimberly, Es and Keri.

Wednesday, January 19, 2005 7:41 PM CST

Hi,

Finally today's update.

We are moving to the Ronald McDonald House. Our room number is 217. You can leave a message there. You can also send mail there.

Ronald McDonald House
635 West Lexington Street Room #217
Baltimore, Maryland 21201

The telephone number is (410) 528-1010, and you can either reach us or leave a message by dialing 217.

We were initally sad to leave the children's house, but the Ronald McDonald House has tv's in the rooms, our own thermostat... (those are pluses for us!) so we are over it now!! LOL

Emerald will be moving to Mt. Washington tomorrow morning. I have no idea when I will be able to update again to let everyone know how it went. I do know that she will probably have pt at least 3 times a day. Very intensive and hopefully that will get her on the track to walking and being a kid. Which is always my priority for her.

Emerald seems to be doing well, aside from these headaches she kepts getting. It could be from the change in pressure outside. It has been really bad, and then it snowed today... I guess we should have figured that was coming.

Next we spoke with the oncologists... and they have spoken with the doctor at Mott's Children's Hospital in Ann Arbor. When we get back we will be working with them, and hopefully, they will be working with the people at Beaumont because it would be even closer.

They didn't give us too much info. Pretty much said there are about 3 phase 2 trials... and a bunch of phase 1 trials, and then a few therapies that have been proven to work sometimes.... Sounds pretty crappy doesn't it? It is going to be really difficult to decide, but I can't really get an idea which to choose until we get more information. We can't do anything really until we get back anyway. So we have time. I plan to contact Dr. Packer in Washington to see what he says also. A couple of other options we may have too. I guess I will update again when I know more.

I guess that is it for now. We are moving, Es is good... and hopefully walking soon!

Love,
Kimberly, Keri and Es

Tuesday, January 18, 2005 7:11 PM CST

WE HAVE HYPERSENSITIVITY ON THE BOTTOM OF HER RIGHT FOOT!!!

If you can't tell by the caps, it is a good thing. Last night I kept telling her to put her weight on her right foot and she tried and said it hurt. So she wouldn't do it. Well today in PT she did the same thing. She said it hurt, and we spoke about it, later on with the help of Keri and I, she DID put weight on it. It doesn't move just yet... But it is waking up!!! Hooray!

Keri and I decided that we had enough of the hospital and took a little adventure. Remember that we are sububanites... from Metro Detroit... EVERYONE has a car. We were told there was a subway (metro) right under the hospital (there is!) and it will take us to a Mall. So we get on the metro, we got off where we were supposed to. Then we get on the bus. Supposed to be a 2 minute ride. Well, there are no stops that say they are for the mall. It goes around the mall, but doesn't specifically stop anywhere. So we miss all the mall stops. It goes back to where we were picked up originally, and we thought we would be going back and could try again. So the bus takes off in a different direction. So we are on the bus for 45 minutes, going God knows where... and suddenly the bus stops, opens the door and the driver says, "This is the last stop." We and the 2 other people on the bus, are saying that we are just wanting to go back. So the driver yells, "Well this is the last stop, and if you want to go back, you need to get off and go across the street and wait for the next bus." So we all get off, go across the street... where we watch the bus turn around and come pick us up. (Hmmm...) so after 45 more minutes we finally get to the mall. By this time, it is time to go back...

Anyway, so we get back and we see Dr. Jallo, who is VERY excited to see her leg is coming back and says that Oncology is planning to talk with us about some phase 1 trials. I am not so sure that we have exhausted enough of the chemos that may work to try something that they have no idea if it will work... (does that make sense) Dr. Jallo agrees with me, so I will tell you what we all come up with tomorrow.

Also... Thursday or Friday will be heading over to Mt. Washington and we will be going to the Ronald McDonald House there. Mt. Washington is only 10 minutes from here (from what I understand) and it is supposed to be a beautiful facility. Of course, it isn't the one we wanted and I am angry about that... and anyone who knows how I am when I don't get my way, knows the wrath these people will have to deal with at first... but I will get over it, and everything will be fine. (Always works out, right?) I am certain that it is a more than adequate facility. Although, the Ronald McDonald House isn't any closer to there than this is... LOL But we can't stay at the Children's house because they only service JH parents.

I will be talking to oncology tomorrow at 1:30 pm.

I will update you after that, to let you know anything new.

Oh last thing, they will be doing another scan in 3 mos with regard to Emerald's neck. Currently, she seems ok, and we are working on strenghtening her neck muscles.

Watch for our update tomorrow. I also wanted to add one thing. I do appreciate and will listen to anyones opinion on what the next step should be. Especially, if they have research and documentation to back up what they are proposing... Even if you know someone who had this specific tumor and they tried.. XXX with good results... Please just remember that we are choosing based on ALL the information we have, and will make the best choice for us. It is nothing personal, but we seem to have a lot of opinionated people in our lives.. and we love you all... so don't hold it against us if we don't go with your plan, doctor or idea. :) But information is power... bring them on...

PS, Emerald is still begging me for a chihuahua..

Love,
Kimberly, Es and Keri.

PS. There is an auction for one of Emerald's bumper stickers. Holly wrote it up, thanks Hol!

The link is above the journal!

Monday, January 17, 2005 9:44 AM CST

OK, so I bet I had you all waiting. They had me waiting too. In fact, if I wouldn't have complained to the nurse that I wasn't going to be able to wait until tomorrow, I still wouldn't know.

I don't even know what the big deal was! Why they tried to scared the crap out of me is beyond me... The pathology report said that the tumor was an Malignant Astrocytoma (Shock!) The problem they have (and the reason it is different) is because they are deciding on grade. The tumor shows necrosis... which isn't a shock, either, and the pathology report also states that it could be from the radiation or chemotherapy... the other reason for necrosis is a higher grade tumor. I just can't buy that because we had the prior therapies. It isn't enough for me to get my undies in a knot over either. In fact, the graded it as being between an Anaplastic Astroyctoma (III) and a Glioblastoma Multiforme (IV). This doesn't mean the tumor progressed in grade, it just means that there was necrosis in the tissue sample. This may actually open up some other clinical trials for us, so it might be a good thing.

Second thing that happened today. I go the pleasure of talking to our insurance case worker (dripping sarcasm). Apparently, they are denying us the KKI because they call themselves a hospital and not an accute rehab facility like they told the caseworker. That leaves us with Mt. Washington Pediatric Hospital, which says they are a hospital, but really they are a sub accute rehab facility. (Got that? Me neither!) So even though KKI only does rehab, because they bill themselves as a hospital makes them unavailable to us. I asked also about getting in home rehab... and they said that Emerald wasn't sick enough to be home bound therefore we weren't eligible! Odd, since she can get inpatient rehab, but not in home rehab.. seems it would be cheaper. What do I know.

Regardless, they are appealing the decision tomorrow... then they are going to call us back and tell us we must go to Mt. Washington. We will be probably moving over the Ronald McDonald House instead.

I am a tad bit pissed off, but what can I do really? Feel free to email if you have any questions. I may not have explained myself well enough.

We ran into Tina, Lance and her husband. Lance is a cutie I think he looks like both of them (as it should be)... Her husband has the prettiest coloring, his eyes are so pretty.
It was great talking to them and getting to laugh, I really, really needed it today!

Sunday, January 16, 2005 5:23 PM CST

Rene wanted me to thank Barbara Mancini for taking the time to collect money to help our family. We all appreciate it. Also thank you to the Moose Lodge for putting on the dinner. From what my mom said, you didn't just help a good cause, you helped our family unwind and spend a happy time together. It was almost like a celebration of Hope, especially after the wonderful news of 95 percent removal of that nasty tumor. Es and I only wish we could have been there also. Thank you to all of our family... the Kuriluk's, the Maes', the Weinbaum's... everyone in between. To our dear friends Holly and Bill, for putting so much of their effort into our lives. Our friend Nina, Angelina's mom, and Chrissy, for anyone who heard of our story and wanted to do something. For those that have thought, and prayed and wished good things for us. For my online friends, Autumn's Angels, Babycenter, FOA, Dish (many, many from the soapdish) CaringBridge Families, & Camp Quality... thank you as well. We appreciate it all. If I missed anyone, I apologise. We have many people we could thank for so many reasons.

I wanted say something about the money that has been sent to us. There are couple things that this money will be used for.

1. Money for medical bills that aren't covered by insurance. Because Johns Hopkins isn't covered by the coverage we get from the State of Michigan. When we signed up for the surgery here, we signed up for a deductable, then a copay for 80/20%. Her last surgery was over $55,000. We, of course, haven't yet received these bills, because before this most of everything aside from a few bills here and there, we not covered by our insurance. Any money that was sent prior to our leaving was put toward our medical expenses that accrued and the expenses of gas, food and cost of babysitting while taking Emerald for treatment.

2. Our expenses now, while on the road. We have incurred expenses just coming here. Gas, Food, Lodging, unexpected needs. We have been here for 2 weeks, and will be here for a while longer. This money also helps us cover these expenses, until we can find out if the state of Michigan will reimburse, and anything they do not reimburse.

3. Our household expenses, I pay for all the bills at home. I own a home daycare and a soap business. I work very hard to make certain our bills our paid. When we decided to take Emerald out of state for treatment, we knew that we would need help in meeting the monthy bills. I do not get paid, unless I am working, and Emerald's disability insurance is only about $500 a month, which doesn't even come close to covering the expenses. Emerald's father, who could have come in my place, would have had the same issue as me. He would not have had money to cover his expenses if he was not working. So either way, we would be in the same boat. The money that was given to us, is also used to help us cover my expenses while I am away. Emerald will have a home to go back to, and I can take care of her, without wondering if the other kids are taken care of as well. The piece of mind that I get from being able to focus on the task at hand (getting Emerald better) really is helped by knowing that I don't have to come up with the money to pay for our home, if only for a month or two. When we finally get back, I won't be clawing my way out of a big hole and trying to keep up with the next phase in her treatment.

If you donate money and you feel that you would want your money to go toward something specific. Please state in writing, so I may direct it to the proper place, but as it stands I am putting the money into the places that need it the most at the present time. Money that isn't needed right now, is kept in a bank account for Emerald that we will use when it is needed. (i.e. for future medical bills, travel expenses, etc.)

I want to again tell you that we appreciate the generosity of everyone who has done anything to help us. If you have any questions please feel free to email me.

OK, so now that I have that out of the way, I wanted to let you know how Em is doing today. She is feeling a bit under the weather. The weather here has been nuts. It was warm and rainy and now clear and cold. Emerald and I both are very sensitive to the weather changes and even inside the hospital, it is no different. Em had a bad headache today. I had one also, so I am not too worried. She said her nose was stuff as well, hopefully, the pressure will shift again and give her a break.

She is working very hard to move her legs... she is sitting straighter and straighter every day. She started this surgery in a much weaker spot than the last. So, I guess it only goes to follow that she would be weaker afterwards as well. She is finally wearing her own clothes during the day, which is nicer for her. There is just no dignity in those hospital gowns! She can hold her head up for a long time, after a while it gets tired but it is getting stronger as the weeks go on. By the time we leave her wheelchair will definitely be adequate. Whereas, in the last week, she needed a wheelchair that had a higher back and reclined. (I call it the uncomfortable jalopy...) She looks and sounds good. She just can't get that right side of her body to co-operate. So I am thinking it will need rehab boot-camp. Hopefully, by Tuesday, we will have our insurance problem straightened out and we can get back to the business of getting her out of here.

I am also still waiting for the pathology report, once we have that, we will again speak with Dr. Ain (our ortho) and to oncology to figure out our next step. I almost can't wait.

Something intersting. Dr. Jallo said that the tumor was no bigger than the November MRI. So it grew and then nothing. That was a big fear of mine... (Ok, sorry if I mentioned this already, I am getting confused in my infinite boredness over here.) So, oddly, there wasn't anything they didn't expect even after 8 weeks between MRI's.

OK, now for the spaghetti dinner pictures...



















We miss all of you, too. (Thanks Holly!)

OK, so that is my long post. Hopefully, tomorrow I will have the pathology info and can report something... LOL Pray that Emerald's leg starts working. She really wants it.

Love,
Kimberly & Miss Es

Saturday, January 15, 2005 7:35 PM CST

(If you need to call me, please call the hospital room number directly for the next day.)

Well, first things first. EMERALD SAT UP BY HERSELF TODAY!!! Great start, hopefully, she will keep up this momentum. She can almost balance completely on one leg. She can kick the right one out a bit to try to walk, but it doesn't co operate as of yet. Hopefully, soon. It is very frustrating for the two of us. But just having her able to sit up and hold her head and chest straight was a huge help in getting her showered today.

Emerald started crying when she was going through the box that Wendy gave us of some of Olivia's things. She saw Olivia's name written on the box of crayons and started bawling. Of course, I started bawling, too.

I want to thank everyone who came out to the spaghetti dinner today. I really appreciate your support, especially while I am away with the girl of the hour. All parts of our family, and many friends all together to help us. I smile just thinking of it. Thank you.

Thank you to Ellen and Kathleen, for coming out to visit me and Es at the hospital today. Finally, after 4 years we meet in person. It was great seeing you, and I can't wait to see the pictures.

I wish my babies could have been here, too. Anya would have loved the girls, who were just as cute as can be. The nurses commented on the beautiful music coming from our room, too, Kathleen. Emerald thought it was exceptionally pretty.

OK, enough for me today, I can't think of anything else. Need to get back to the giggling girl. She cracking up at "Whose line is it anyway?"

Leave a message in our guestbook. We could really use the support today. We want to go home. Talk to you all soon.

Love,
Kimberly

Friday, January 14, 2005 8:33 PM CST

Hi,

Emerald had a pretty good day today. She is holding her head up much better. She seems straighter, too. She just keeps getting stronger every day. We are working on getting into rehab now.

We were told that we were covered out of network for the rehab, and the rehab came today and told me that even though they only accept 60% of their costs... or whatever they decide is reasonable and customary, the rehab (KKI) will only take what they pay (after we meet our deductable) which is a deal, believe me. So they called to get the approval, and the insurance lady said that they were going to deny us out of network. As it wouldn't cost them more than what they would have paid (resonable and customary) and the only person with more out of pocket charges is us... then I don't understand why they would tell us that. Anyway, so hopefully, we can get this straightened out quickly.

She is hoping that by Tuesday she is using her right leg better. I made her a deal. If she can walk with my assistance, I mean with my hands under her armpits... then we can go home. But that means she would have to really start working that right leg. I think that is what is really holding her up now. Anyway, she is asking for a miracle that is works by then... (she is so cute!) because if it she starts walking... we will skip inpatient and go home.

Thank you to the people at Camp Quality for their support. I appreciate it!

Holly will have some soap for sale at the dinner tomorrow night. So if you have been waiting to try the soap, there is some there. Not certain what will be available, as I have no idea what is sitting there, lol.

Everyone give Anya and Ian hugs and kisses for me. I miss my babies so much. I cry if I think of it too much.

Well, things are going ok here. Thanks for looking in on us.

Love,
Kimberly

Thursday, January 13, 2005 8:35 AM CST

Just wanted to give an update.

They are decreasing both her decadron and her baclofen. Hopefully, she can be off of both. The baclofen is for that twitch, but he hopes that because the tumor is essentially gone, we won't need it. We shall see!

Waiting for Ortho to come back. Her Ortho is Dr. Ain. He is really funny. I am also waiting for Oncology to come back... we are waiting for pathology... Hopefully today, but if not, then tomorrow. All these guys are working together to decide what to do next as far as her tumor.

We will be transferring to inpatient rehab either today or tomorrow. Dr. Jallo says he expects we will be there at least a week or 10 days. Emerald doesn't seem to listen to their guesses because she always takes a bit longer... but that is OK. She is making slow progress still. She can lift her right shin up if we hold it at the knee. She couldn't do that yesterday. Getting out of bed 40 times a day has its advantages. It is a good workout for her. When I have to get her to the bed alone, she can kind of help with her legs now. They don't move as good as they should, but each day they are getting stronger... and moving in the right direction. Her neck seems stronger too. She can hold her head up for much longer.

I just got a call from the rehab place. They are having some trouble with our insurance covering her. I don't know what they plan to do, but I can't see us leaving now as she is. I will keep you updated on what is going on.

Thanks to Loryn for dinner last night. We appreciate it. Emerald had ordered her hospital meal, but there hadn't been anything on it that she would actually eat... so the spaghetti and meatballs hit the spot. Spicier than ours at home... but very yummy! Thank you, Thank you!

Don't forget about the spaghetti dinner it is Saturday at 4. The details are in the journal history, along with our current number and address.

Love,
Kimberly & Emerald

Tuesday, January 11, 2005 8:09 PM CST

Hello!

OK... the latest news.

Emerald has been out of bed several times today. They removed her cathater and her IV. She still can't walk, but this morning she could bare a bit of weight on her legs for a little bit and this afternoon she would help move her legs a bit when we moved her. It is slow but it is coming around. Still eating like a wrestler though...

Oncology was here to see us this evening, they will be back again tomorrow.

Ortho was here too. I missed them though, so I will have to see them tomorrow.

They will be most likely moving us over to inpatient rehab at The Kennedy Kriegar Institute... I guess it is very intensive and it will help get Emerald back to herself as much as possible before we have to go home. Another child from our brain tumor board just went over there, so we are in good company.

Thank you for all the calls and for the offers of help. It is VERY much appreciated.

I am so very tired of cartoons and teen shows. LOL

Our number is in the journal history, as is information for the dinner to help our family.

I miss my babies, and I want to go home.

Thanks to Wendy for calling CSHCS. I appreciate it!

Oh and we are fine with lodging for right now. No worries!!!

Love,
Kimberly

Monday, January 10, 2005 2:03 PM CST

Quick update for Kim..
Looks like they were able to get 95 percent of the tumor =) Also,
Emerald now has a phone in her room.
410-502-4083
Keep Praying!
Holly

Sunday, January 9, 2005 8:30 AM CST
Emerald tried to sit up today, her blood pressure went way up. But went back to normal 3 minutes later when she got back down. This is the same as last time. It will be a couple days before she is out of bed.

Her right finger moved, so that is a good thing.

Talking to the intern today he said that what was left of her tumor was the rind of it. The part touching the spinal cord all the way around. They did an MRI yesterday and they got out 90t least. Probably a little more. That is good news.

Holly... can you take a flyer to Keri's work, London Calling, so they can put it up? Keri and I would appreciate it!

Shawn, Anya and Ian. I miss you and love you. Shawn thanks for taking good care of our babies... Andrea thank you for being there when I needed you. I know they are in good hands. Hi Nikita!!! And Jackie and Alexis!!

Emerald says hello to her classmates that left messages. She can't wait to get back to school.

Don't forget about the spaghetti dinner...

Where: Mt. Clemens Moose Lodge 1278
301 Southbound Gratiot Ave, Mt Clemens, MI 586-468-2989
When: Saturday, January 15th 2005
4:00pm-???
Cost $8.00 a plate
Checks payable to: LOOM 1278

Please come if you can, as it stands right now, I have very little money here and I am obviously not working at home, so am unable to pay the bills while I am here. This dinner will hopefully help us take care of that stuff. It is very stressful being away from home and not being able to work. This will at least help with the stress of the money part. I am already missing my other two children like crazy and not knowing how much longer we will be here, is very stressful. So I would like to take something out of the equation if I can.

Thanks for looking and if you need me you can call my cell phone (that goes to my home in Michigan if it is off) or the children's house... where you can leave a voice mail message if I am not here, the room number is 102

Emerald's address is listed in yesterday's journal. So click on journal history.

Also, food coupons, gift cards to restuarants or even meals brought to us here at the hospital would be appreciated.... in fact, meals brought here would be even better because Keri and I wouldn't have to decide on something... LOL

OK, enough from me, talk to you soon.

Kimberly, Es and Keri

Saturday, January 8, 2005 3:03 PM CST

Just wanted to quick update.

Emerald is in having an MRI. She was moved to her regular room today. She still can't move her right hand at all. She can move her left hand, but she is back to not feeling where it is. (like the last time.) and still hasn't stood up or anything yet.

My parents left today. And some people from the FOA board came to visit. It was great seeing them. And thanks for all the goodies.

Emerald's hospital address is

Johns Hopkins Hospital
600 N. Wolfe Street
Batimore, MD 21205

She is in room 413.

Sorry it took so long. She just moved into a regular room this morning.

Well, I am off to go back to the hospital. I am going to do some laundry there... so we can have some clean clothes.

Thank you to Keri for staying with me. I know it sucks and everything... but I appreciate it so much. It relieves much of the anxiety I have been having.

Thanks to everyone who has thought of us.

Emerald is begging for me to buy a chihuahua (there is a reason behind it, Cheyenne knows why! :) ) I don't know.... LOL I told her yes.. but I don't know. Anyone have any Chihauhau puppies they are looking to give us??? LOL

OK, I am off.

Lots of Love,

Kimberly, Es, and Keri.

Friday, January 7, 2005 7:38 PM CST

Hi everyone.

Emerald is resting in the PICU. 90ut is great. Less for the chemo to try to take down. We were all pretty excited. I had to contain myself from kissing Dr. Jallo... I was so happy and grateful.

First thing she said when I told her that how much they got out..."why didn't he get it all?" Just like her. LOL She will ask Dr. Jallo tomorrow when she sees him, I am sure.

Anyway, she can't move her right hand at all yet. And she can't feel anything on parts of her body. This should return over the next couple days. Nothing came up on the monitoring, so we should be OK. The PICU doesn't let the parents sleep there, so I am here awaiting her moving to the regular room.

I am beat. I came back to update you, and get some rest.

Thanks Holly for updating. It was nice for you to do it, made things easier for me.

I hope everyone is having a good day.

Will update as soon as I get some new news.

I miss my kids. Anya and Ian... I love you!!!

Love,
Kimberly

Friday, January 7, 2005 1:34 PM CST

Kim just called.

"The doctor said she should be able to move everything that she could before the surgery and it looks like they got 90 percent of it."

I'm not sure if she's in recovery yet but one of us will update soon. I think it's time for some sunshine.


Friday, January 7, 2005 9:58 AM CST
Hi, it's Holly
Quick update..
Emerald is in the O.R. right now, she went in around 9am.
If all goes well, the surgery should take around five hours. Kim is waiting anxiously with her parents and sister, Keri. That's it for now. Will update more as it comes. Please keep praying.

Thursday, January 6, 2005 9:50 AM CST

We are leaving for the children's house in a bit. Will be there until the 11th at least.

Em is doing well. We got to swim yesterday. My parents are driving in today. Surgery in the morning...

Xanax takes the edge off. I am OK.

Talk to you all soon. Hopefully, I will be able to connect to the internet there.

Love,
Kimberly, Em and Keri.

Tuesday, January 4, 2005 5:08 PM CST

We made it. The drive was perfect... the weather here is great and we are tired. We made it in time for our appointment. I even figured out the internet service.

Yea!!!

Emerald is feeling well. Dr. Jallo is wonderful. Can't speak enough of him.

We have the next 2 days with nothing to do.

I will post her hospital room as soon as I know it.

For the next two days we are staying at the Best Western on Donnally.

My cell phone number is 248-252-2590, if anyone wants to call!

Love,
Kimberly and Es and Keri (who also came with us!)

Monday, January 3, 2005 10:20 PM CST

I have had one of the rottenist days today.

I was at the Social Services Building for 5 hours. I purposefully sat myself next to where they come out, so I would hear them call me. (I am hard of hearing 55 percent, so it is a lot...) They said they called me 3 times. It is impossible based on where I was, and how I heard every name but mine being called... Anyway, they took care of me. It actually didn't really help... because after I finally get the stuff I need still turned in. I have to wait 45 days before they can approve or not approve my application. So that means that I would have to pay up front for daycare costs. $375.00 up front. A week. I don't have that. So I am working on a plan. Thankfully, I have my friend Andrea, she does daycare (partly because of me... thank goodness!) I trust her, and the kids know her.

OK, so hopefully that is worked out. Es got her bloodwork done today. She didn't cry. We drank lots of fluids before we went so they had an easy time finding a vein... and it worked. She feels really good today and went to school, and got to see her friends. They signed a bear I bought and we are taking it with us, to keep with her, so she knows they are thinking of her.

Then we came home, and my fabulose friend, Holly, helped clean things up and helped work on my laundry and my soap orders (which are almost complete... ) and took the bumper sticker stuff so she can send them out, if you were to order one.

She is listed on the page with the donations and stickers... If you want information regarding the spaghetti dinner at 4 PM on the 15th. She is the gal to email.

I am nervous, but it will be OK. I cried for about 3 hours straight so my head hurts and I am tired... but I feel like I can handle things better now.

I wanted to thank Shelley of Shelley's photography for all the wonderful stuff you sent from you and the photography club. The pictures were wonderful, the purse is adorable and I couldn't ask for more generosity.

Thank you to Ellen (Sammi's Mom...) your heart is so big. Thank you so much.

Thanks to everyone who has done something for us. The people I list are not the only ones who do things for us. There are many people. I appreciate them all, even if I become brain dead when I go to write.

We are leaving much later than expected due to the problems I had today. It will all work out. :)

I know, I worry, but it is usually for nothing. Nothing that can't be fixed later if need be.

Love to you all... thank you for checking on us, and I will be updating again when I get a chance.

Oh and if you would like a sticker... please follow the link!

Love & Hugs,

Kimberly & Emerald.

Sunday, January 2, 2005 9:48 PM CST

Well... Tomorrow sometime, Es and I will be off to Maryland.

I am feeling sick to my stomach.

For those that don't know. She is having surgery on the 7th, the surgery will be to aggressively remove as much as the tumor as possible.

The last time she was in PICU for 4 days and the hospital for 9 total. Let's hope she comes through this one even faster.

They stopped the surgery last time because she was having problems. Let her tolerate this extremely well.

I will post an address when I have one and update as soon as I can.

Lots of Love, and check the journal history for information on the stickers and how you can help our family while we are gone.

Kimberly & Emerald, my princess

Friday, December 31, 2004 9:41 AM CST

Happy Holidays This is a really nice e card. I hope this holiday season has been peaceful.

Hi, still selling bumper stickers. I have gotten quite a few orders for them. The $4 really adds up. The money donated so far has gone to help pay some of my bills ahead so I don't have to worry about it while I am gone. Honestly, I will still worry, but I will be able to worry maybe needlessly, if I can get some of this taken care of before I leave... The link is above... with the picture of the sticker!!!

Emerald has been feeling GREAT. Even with George increasing in size, Emerald being the trooper she is, still isn't affected too much. I can tell, but most people wouldn't notice the difference. She knows that she has to have this surgery, but at the same time, neither of us are ready for it. We are ready for our chance at HOPE.

Tonight we are visiting my friend Holly and her husband, Bill. They invited us over (THANKS!) We are excited to be invited out, last few years, I have stayed home. Not too exciting, but being home with my family is always a nice way to bring in the new year. Last year Emerald was gone. She stayed over at her friend, Noelle's house. I believe that how you celebrate on New Years Eve is how the year will go (I know I am silly and superstitious... or supersillious.) So this year will be great because we will all be together, and we will be with friends.

Still working on soap orders. I will have them out by the time I leave, so each order will be packed and going out at the latest on Monday. If you were thinking of ordering... if you could please wait until I get back it would be great. You are welcome to order but please know that there is no way I can pack orders and replenish supplies if I am not here. Many of you left messages in the guestbook here about my soap. I invite you to leave a message in the soap guestbook, to let others know about the products. The guestbook is in the right hand cornor of the page that lists the soaps I have available.

I will be posting an address for us in Baltimore, as soon as we get there. Also, if you would like to send something for Emerald, please do not send something she needs to use her hands for. After her first surgery, she had a hard time using her hands to even eat, and I really don't want the stuff there reminding her of what she can't do. Little snacks, like popcorn or something she can use to practice bringing her hand up to her mouth were good, and very helpful.

That being said... she may come through this with no problems and pick up where she left off now... If that is the case... all bets are off and you may send what you like!!! I will let you know.

As we go into 2005.. I am reminded of all the New Years I spent with my Granny. She would give us each a bit of wine (certainly to make us sleep as we were so excited!) We got to stay up late. Gosh, I miss her, her french toast in the morning. Yum.


Thank you, thank you, thank you! For visiting us, and keeping Emerald in your heart. It means a lot to both of us.

Lots of Love and a wonderful New Year to each and everyone of you.

Kimberly & Emerald, and family.

Wednesday, December 29, 2004 0:42 AM CST

Well, Emerald, Kelly, Tristy and I went to see A Series of Unfortunate Events. It was good. The costumes and the sets were just way cool. The story line was interesting.

We are getting ready for our trip, things are kind of coming together. I am still nervous. It will all work out.

Not much to write today. I just want to thank those of you who check on me and leave messages and especially those who responded to my post from the PBT site... my mind is resting much easier now. It WILL work out. I won't be sleeping in my car.

Sorry, I haven't been updating as much lately... I just haven't felt up to it, but rest assured if something happens I will tell you about it.

I have sold a few bumper stickers. If you get one, it raises awarness for childhood cancer research and also about Emerald... All for $4! The link for this and for our donation page and holiday pictures is in the journal history!

Working to get those soap orders out. They will be going out before I leave.

Well, I should really be getting my sleep. I has been a long day, and tomorrow looks as if it will be equally long.

Have a wonderful day, and thanks for checking on us.

And Wendy, thanks for making me feel better. Talking with you really helped me. We will miss the Olivia doll, but I am glad she is home with you now... :)

Love,
Kimberly & Es

Sunday, December 26, 2004 9:35 AM CST

This is going to be long...

Well, Christmas is over. We spent the day with our family, well, part of my family. My sisters and parents. My brothers, I hope to see soon, at least before we leave for Baltimore.

Emerald had a wonderful day, filled with lots of presents. Thank you to those of you who sent presents, not just for Emerald but for me, and the other children as well. It was perfect. Es is feeling good, we tried decreasing her steroid over the last week, but she needs it. Her neck hurts without it, so we will leave her on the small dose and deal with the hunger and getting up to pee many, many times in a night. We have discovered that Splenda tastes really, really good! Here are our holiday pictures...

























It is hard for me to write things these days. I feel so scatter-brained. With the upcoming surgery... and me and Emerald leaving home to get it.... I already miss my Anya and Ian. I have been hugging them as much as I can. I think we have a plan for childcare. As long as I can swing it financially, I will have the kids go to daycare with my cousin, Katherine. That way, Shawn can go to work, and they will get some consistancy during this time. They have been to the daycare in the past, so at least it isn't something completely new.

January 15th... is a spaghetti dinner for Emerald.. I will get a flier from my friend, Holly, and I will post it as soon as I do. It is at the Mt. Clemens Moose Lodge at 4 PM. Emerald and I will not be able to attend because we will be in Baltimore, but if you live in this area, we would appreciate anyone who would like to come and support our family during this time. Because I will be out of town, I will not be able to work, and the money raised from this dinner will help provide money to help pay our bills while I am gone.

I am also selling bumperstickers, this is the sticker...
If you would like one, the proceeds go to support our family while we are away, and help pick up any costs that may not be covered by our insurance. We won't know until just before the surgery, if the state of Michigan will cover the costs incurred after Emerald's Dad's insurance picks up the major part of it (I hope that makes sense) You can get these stickers for a $4.00 donation per sticker. You can purchase a sticker by clicking HERE!

Emerald also has a fund set up in her name. You can donate in two ways. Again this money will help support our family and cover expenses while I am away and until I will be able to build my business again after I get back. The webpage for Emerald is here ! Please know that this is not set up the same as the first time, this money goes directly to a paypal account I set up for Emerald, and/or a bank account set up for her. Only I have access to the money, which will be used to help cover our bills and expenses.

OK, so I think I got all that out of the way. I will add a permanent link above when I get a chance.

Please leave us a guestbook message, I need some cheering up and support. Even if I don't email back, or acknowledge you, please know, that I appreciate every single email, and thought. I am just having a rough few days.

Lots of love and appreciation,

Kimberly and Emerald and Family

Friday, December 24, 2004 12:37 AM CST

Hi, just wanted to wish everyone a nice holiday tonight. Especially on mind are my caringbridge friends that have lost a child. Please know that you are in my heart and have my tears. I wish you sweet dreams that bring them back if only for the night.

Emerald is feeling OK. She is with her dad, will meet me with my family tonight at my aunts house.

Thank you to EVERYONE who has sent or done or thought something that is making our christmas wonderful.

Thank you to Friends of Allie and to my wonderful friend Maree, who donated money to get me the Thumby I wanted for Christmas. I am going to order it first thing Monday.

This year has been a year of sadness and yet at the same time it has helped me reaffirm my faith in others.

We will be in Baltimore on January 4th. Please pray for my girl. Pray that Dr. Jallo can remove 100f the tumor, and the surgery causes no more problems for Emerald. Pray they can find THE chemotherapy that will kill the remaining tumor for good. That way, we can focus on helping her live with the spinal cord injury. She is the greatest kid ever.

Sorry this post is all over the place. I have a lot on my mind right now.

Thanks,
Kimberly

Tuesday, December 21, 2004 5:21 PM CST

I just wanted to express my thanks to a local freecycler who came over today and fixed our porch. It makes it a whole lot easier now to get in and out of the house... we can actually open the door, it is perfect!

OK, Emerald surgery update. We will be in Baltimore on January 4th for our consult... and on January 7th, Emerald will have her neurosurgery. Initally, we were going to do the fusion then, but Dr. Jallo wants to wait at least 3 months, so we can make certain of what is going on in there after before they put the hardware in. So 3 months from the surgery, we will re-evaluate the need for a fusion. Who knows, maybe she won't need it. Doubtful, but you never know.

Her last surgery almost a year ago was stopped early because Emerald wasn't responding on half of her body. They decided at that point to stop going after the tumor because they were fearful they would cause more damage. So please think, pray, hope, whatever... for Emerald to have a good surgery. For Dr. Jallo to remove as much as humanly possible. And for the defecits to be small.

Please pray for our friend Sarah to have a good surgery tomorrow. She is having a shunt placed, and had not so good news on the MRI. Pray that her recovery is minimal so she can get back to the business of being a kid and enjoy the holiday.

Thank you to everyone who has thought of us.

And did you see Emerald's snowflake collar?? Thank you to Cary, Sofie and Max for sending socks for her. She was all excited... She plays with the pink ones all the time... she won't let me do anything with them... LOL Everything was great. The box was beautiful... and the phone cards will come in handy. I think I am planning to stop over on the 3rd to Tami's so maybe we can all visit then. Of course, I still have to email Tami! (That last part should go directly into Sofie's guestbook... but I don't have time to re write it!!! )

Emerald needs me... lots of love,
Kimberly

Monday, December 20, 2004 9:57 AM CST

Update, tenative surgery date is January 7th. Need to be in Baltimore by the 4th for a consult at 3 pm. Do I fly? Do I drive? Do I have the money??? LOL It will work out. I am just excited that our insurance actually covers it!

I wanted to add that there are vacation pictures in yesterdays journal. I will add more sometime tonight.

Gift Baskets are all sold! Thank you!

I guess I just keep thinking to myself... that things will work out... I mean eventually they do, one way or another. I am not talking about Emerald or really anything in particular. Just my feelings on all that I have going on.

We went out to get a tree in the bitter cold last night. We were taking the easy way out and going to Home Depot... besides Emerald and I like fir trees and that is what they have, so it works. Anyway, we got there and it was closed... so we still have no tree. Not that I have anywhere to put the thing, because my house is trashed... LOL Ah well. We will get one it will work out. We used to have a fake tree, and Emerald asked me if we could get rid of it a few years ago, because she wanted a real one... I feel like I want everything to be perfect for Emerald this year, because who knows how this next year will go. With her upcoming surgery, the way that this tumor grows... and the choices we have available for treatment... there are pretty much two choices... barely bareable like this year. Or worse. Like my Granny used to always say, "Stop the world, I want to get off." Anyway, it will work out.

I went to take the garbage out and my porch is too tall for my door. I know I sound needy all of a sudden... but if anyone in our area has a way to help us build a new quick porch or modify my porch so Emerald can get in and out... of the front door, I would appreciate it. She could use the back door, but it is a long way for her to walk around... (But I thank goodness for that porch... thank you Mom and Dad for building it for me.) Anyway, if someone could build one for us, I would even be willing to buy the lumber. (I can write it off as some sort of daycare expense... as I need the porch in order to have parents and kids come into the house... LOL) Please let me know. I need something before we get back from Emerald's surgery at the latest... if it is anything like last time, I don't think I will be able handle worrying about it then. But it will work out...

Lastly, I just wanted to once again thank all of you that help me out. Especially right now, Holly. She listens to me blubber, and cry, and whine, and she doesn't tell me how crappy I am, or how I should be shutting up and taking care of Emerald.. or being strong for her (because she knows I am and I just need to cry at that moment), she doesn't tell me that I need to get over myself and this situation isn't about me... because she knows it is about my whole family, not just Emerald. She tries to help me solve my problem without taking over the problem. It is a huge help and makes my life easier... and everyone needs a Holly in their life. :)

Anyway, Emerald is feeling pretty darn well. I started to decrease her steroid, they will increase it again when she is to have surgery, but this will help her not gain as much weight. She isn't have any trouble as it is decreasing, so that is good. She even has gone potty by herself a few times... in the night.. she said that I was sooo tired... and she didn't want to disturb me. (Gosh, I love her.) Her hair is brown. It said light brown on the bottle, but maybe I don't understand light brown. It looks like it could be hers. It is the same color as her eyebrows and her eyelashes. I think she looks beautiful. She wants it either darker or lighter (I think she wants whatever she doesn't have... LOL) I posted a couple pictures in the photo album here in caring bridge... and here is one...



Anya was sick. She started throwing up on Saturday, seems OK now. Still crabby. Ian is feeling good, the big 1 year old that he is... He makes me smile every day. Natural happiness.

Well, I need to clean the house in preparation for the tree we should get tonight. If someone could slow the week down, I would appreciate it!

Love,
Kimberly

Sunday, December 19, 2004 12:34 AM CST

Thumbies If anyone in my family is aching to get me an expensive gift that I would cherish forever... I would love one of these of Emerald's thumb print. Now, please note that I do not expect anyone to actually get me one... and this is something I would normally buy myself because, well.. I could. But seeing as money is tight and I don't see a time in the near future when it won't be... I thought I might just put it out there... LOL (Tacky? Maybe, but this would be Emerald's thumb print forever.)

Quick update. Update on the update... I found one more. The three I had, have been sold, but I have another on the webpage, if you are interested. Thanks! I have three gift baskets (there are sold) listed for sale, I can ship them out today, if you are interested, please check them out. As soon as you order it, it will come off the page. If 2 people order, then I will refund the second persons money as soon as I can. (I of course, don't sit at the computer non stop, although sometimes it feels as if I do.)

I added some family pictures of our trip.

Vacation pictures! There are more, I will add them later.


OK, well FINALLY. I sent the last of the packages that needed to be shipped before Christmas today.

Special thanks to Holly, Shawn and Keri. I really appreciated your help.

I am in the middle of coloring Emerald's hair to her normal color for a while. It has gotten pretty thin, so we didn't want to damage it further by re bleaching and putting on different colors. She is disappointed, but will have the opportunity to change it again after her surgery I suppose.

I have the disney pictures. I will add a link to them later today. There are many...

OK, Dr. Jallo emailed... at 10 pm on a Saturday! Gotta love that! I am to call on Monday and set up a clinic appointment and surgery date. So as soon as I hear more about that, I will let you know.

I had more... but I can't remember.... Oh...yes..

For those of you who have sent gifts for Emerald for Christmas... (I am saving them for her) I appreciate it! I have no idea what is in some of the packages, but Anya keeps trying to open them!

For the nice manager of Kmart in Commerce. The luggage has come in handy and will continue to come in handy when we have to leave on the trip to Baltimore. We had gotten some to borrow, but now we don't have to worry about ruining theirs (and thank you, Jennifer Ingman for lending it to us.) Thank you so much. To the family that helped us get the luggage, I appreciate that you took the time out to help us, and to email and call me. It was wonderful of you.

I am certain I am missing people. I know there are many others. Many caringbridge families... so many that I started to list you all, but decided to stop, because you are all equally important, that have helped me in many ways.

Anyway, thanks. I can't begin to express enough.

To those of you who are near Baltimore. I would LOVE for you to stop and see us at the hospital. I think we are going to be trapped there for a while after surgery, the last time she was in the hospital for 9 days, and unable to really get out and do anything for longer than that.

OK, we still have to clean the house, and get our tree. We didn't celebrate Ian's birthday yet (I know I am a horrid mother), but we will soon.

Lots of Love and thanks for everyone who checks on us.

Kimberly & Emerald.

Thursday, December 16th, 2004. 8:54 am EST

I am going to add to this post for a couple days... as I remember things. Too lazy and busy to write a new one!

When we were in Florida, we had a villa that had everything we needed... washer and dryer, with soap... food... hair dryer... clock... OK. Let's talk about the clock. It said "Surge" on it, like the drink. I didn't think anything of it at first. I didn't set it either, because I usually get up without a clock at home. Imagine my surprise when at 7 AM the thing goes off screaming. "Surge! Surge! Surge!Surge!" It woke everyone up. I couldn't figure out how to turn the darn thing off... I need to get one for Shawn so he will get up for work!!!

Please keep Cheyenne's parents, Olivia's mom, Celeste's mom, Allie's parents... the countless others who are spending their holidays without their precious children. Be it the first or fifteenth, it sucks.

Tomorrow is Allie's birthday. It will be a year since Jenny and I both had our beautiful babies. I am keeping you in my prayers, Jenny. Huge hugs.


Tuesday, December 14, 2004 9:21 PM CST

OK, so I just wanted to let you know that we arrived back home today, safe and sound... and tired.

While at Universal, we got stuck on a ride. My sister got off and we went up the elevator, and the guy asked us if we wanted to go again... half way through, we got stuck, I guess some kid got out in the middle of the ride! Nothing more exciting that being trapped on a ride like that! LOL

Emerald had a wonderful time! All the kids did. Anya kept saying she wanted to be big so she could ride on everything. And Emerald is begging to go back after her stabilisation, as long as she is feeling well, I will have to work it out. Even if it is just me and her.

When we left the first morning, I forgot the tickets at the house, and we had to go back. We got on the plane and it pulled away!!! That was cutting it close. The village was great. I wish we had another week there, to spend just hanging out. We literally were going non stop every day. We would get home and fall into bed. My feet hurt, and I am still tired. Thank goodness there is only 3 days til the weekend. I need to sleep in.

If you never have been to Give Kids the World... there is one thing you should know. Pack a huge suitcase with barely anything in it, so you can put all the stuff you get into it!!! We were packing the van up, and I had to sit with the carseat bag packed to the rim, on my lap. Emerald had an extra bag that her dad had to buy, so we could get the stuff home! It was craziness. The other crazy thing... the weather, we get there and it is 80 and humid. Two days later... freezing cold. I mean, we spent a good portion of our sovenier money on sweatshirts, because the ONE day we planned to be out til midnight, it was the coldest and we were selfish and didn't want to go back home.

Emerald did ride on a few rides that should have been off limits. But you know what? She is fine, and she had a great time. She felt like she was getting away with something, so I think it was just that much more fun! She didn't swim much... but I heard there is an indoor waterpark here near our house that just opened, so I will be taking her there.

Certainly, I am missing something... I will be posting pictures soon. I have to reload all the software into my computer, been having some issues. The recent amount of viruses and spyware your computer is being bombarded with just is incredible, but we think we have it figured out. Except for the laptop. That needs a new hard drive. Back to dell... :) I bought it a while ago, just for trips and when we have to go out of state for treatment and we didn't even get to use it!

Well, that is it for now. Need to work on orders, so they will be going on in the next 2 days. I am sorry for the delay. I need to check over what was packed! Thanks to Keri for helping out.

Lots of Love,
Kimberly

Monday, December 13, 2004 8:47 AM CST

Hi, we are in Florida... and we are almost all funned out. There have been lots of rides that Emerald can do. Because she (and the other kids) get to ride everywhere in wheelchairs or strollers... the only people tired are the grown ups.

There were a couple of people I wanted to see while we were here, and we are having trouble finding the time. Emerald doesn't want to miss out on anything at any of the parks. She has been a maniac. As it stands, the only real time we have is in the early morning tomorrow here at our villa. If you would like to visit us, please call me on my cell phone. 248 252 2590.

Emerald says hello. Thanks for checking on us. And wish us a safe trip home.

If you had a soap order that was going out, I will be working on these when I get home tomorrow and they will be shipping as fast as humanly possible. My sister Keri is working on them as we speak.

Love,
Kimberly & Maniac Emerald.

Tuesday, December 7, 2004 11:02 PM CST

Hi, I couldn't get online ALL freaking day!

It is my sister Kelly's birthday today... so happy birthday, Kelly!

I did get the news of Emerald's MRI today. No new tumors... (which is great!) and the swelling in her spinal cord has subsided a bit, it only goes down as low as T7(which is great, too!). It was further than T9 two weeks ago, so that is good. Will have to worry about the rest of that when we get back.

Trying to remember feverishly if I have forgotten anything today. Ugh... I feel like I am.

Emerald is doing well, she spent the last two days in school, she is walking much better, more like before. She can get up and move around better, she is in no pain.

Well, got to get back to the packing we leave in 6 hours, the kids are still AWAKE... I think they are a bit excited!

Well, lots to do,

Love,
Kimberly & Emerald.

Sunday, December 5, 2004 8:28 AM CST

ADDED: I added a guestbook to my soap website. It is located at the bottom of the soap available page. If you have tried the soap and liked it, please let me and others know by signing. Thanks!

Our guestbook will load much faster now, thanks to caringbridge for splitting it for us. Leave a message so we can test it out!!! LOL

Did OK at the craft show yesterday. Tired today, came home and cleaned out my closet and my room. I think I threw out 3 bags of garbage and have 3 bags to go to the freecyclers! Our shower door fell almost all the way off. So Shawn has to replace it today. What great timing. (rolling eyes) We bought this place in 1997, we were supposed to be moved out by now!!! LOL Definitely not enough space for me and my stuff and the kids and their stuff!!!

Only a couple days to our vacation. My sister, Keri will be here to stay while we are gone. I don't want to leave the place empty!

Still taking soap orders. If you were wanting to order, now is a good time to do it! I update the Lemonade Soap totals when I pack the orders containing them to ship. I will be working overtime to get some out before we leave, and my sister, Keri will be working to get them out while I am gone. Thanks Keri! If you have any questions, please feel free to email. Keri should be able to answer you questions.

Now, I suppose you would like to hear some Emerald news...after all this IS the point of this journal. Not to listen to me talk about myself... LOL

Emerald had her second MRI on Friday. We are still waiting for the results. She is doing much better now. She can walk without much of a problem. Stumbles to the side a tad, but is getting up and walking around much more and rarely stumbing... No neck pain. The steroids are like magic for the time being.

On Friday she looked at me and said..."Mom, I am so hungry!" and I asked her if she wanted something to eat.... she replied, "No, I'm not really hungry, it is from the steroids." Then she looked down at her stomach, looked up at me and said..."Am I getting fat yet?" Poor kid. She is eating more than she was. She was 77 lbs on Thursday. She is really trying to eat healthy when she does eat. She is doing better than me.

She went with me to my craft show, she was so tired from being up all night the night before! Silly kid. She went to a later movie with her Dad, they saw Sponge Bob.

Don't forget to buy a cancer calendar. The link is just above the journal area here. Check out March, Miss March is a cutie!

Love,

Kimberly

PS, I wanted to thank Kelly for stopping by and helping me get a bit of craft show stuff ready. Keri, for helping make baskets and working the show with me, Shawn for lugging all the stuff, and for labeling lip balms until midnight or later... then shrink wrapping... Holly, for coming by and helping me out almost everyday, and especially on Friday night, when she would have rather been home sleeping!!!

Thanks to everyone who has tried to help me any way! It has made my life easier, and we know that there are people who love us, so we are grateful for just that.

XOXO

Thursday, December 2, 2004 4:41 PM CST

First, I asked CaringBridge to split our guestbook, but it is taking them a long time to get it done, please have patience. It is long and takes a long time to load.

Her counts were good today, her oncologist here are excited along with us, about surgery, and trying to find more aggressive chemo. We are checking different places, but it will matter what happens after the surgery. It will help us decide what the best chemo option will be. Let's hope that checking to see what will kill this thing, makes a difference.

Someone asked about PT/OT, she didn't go today. She needs a new perscription from her doctor and he didn't want to give her one until after her MRI.

BTW, she also has an MRI scheduled tomorrow at 4 pm to check her lower spine. Please feel free to pass the word around, I am trying my hardest to get the enormous amount of soap orders, get ready for my craft show on Saturday, parent and get ready for Disney. Trust me when I tell you that I am failing.. but love being busy.

I wanted to also say thanks to all of you who have emailed, I am still trying to get back to everyone. I am sorry if I haven't emailed you back, but I get side tracked easily... ask Holly... LOL

Emerald is doing OK, her neck isn't hurting her at all now that the decadron is doing it's job. I am confused why they didn't give it to us at first... LOL Oh well, good thing I am on top of things!

Lots of Love,
Kimberly & Emerald

Wednesday, December 1, 2004 10:49 PM CST

Well, finally heard from St. Jude. Nothing they can do for us. It is disappointing and frustrating. They said that it is too soon after her last dose of chemotherapy, and that she isn't neurologically good right now, so that puts her out of their protocols.

She started on decadron today. She is unhappy about it. I take her to PT and to oncology tomorrow, we will talk about what to try next... who I want them to call, and what I am hoping will happen.

My laptop is down again. All day this one wasn't work, but now my laptop is showing some error. Like I need the hassle right now.

So next I speak with Dr. Packer and also see if Duke has anything to offer us.

Well, Emerald is needing me.

Love,
Kimberly & Emerald.

Tuesday, November 30, 2004 8:24 PM CST

The link for the calendar Emerald is featured in, is just above the journal box. Order one and use March all year! Just kidding. It is a great time to get a new calendar!

If anyone lives near me... and has luggage they aren't needing or that we can borrow... please let me know... I am pretty certain they won't let us bring a bunch of garbage bags on the plane with us... LOL

Our plan thus far...

I got an email from her neurosurgeon at Johns Hopkins.

Quote:
I did receive the cd and reviewed them. The tumor is definitely larger
in the cervical region, I do not see any evidence of spread to the
brain. I am not sure about the lower spine. I would recommend an MRI of
the thoracic and lumbar region to be certain. Then, the decision is for
options. I would start her on decadron and consider changing the
chemotherapy drugs. An alternative is more surgery with intent to
remove
a significant portion of the tumor but she will also need chemotherapy
after that. I would discuss with her oncologists and then let me know
so
we can talk on the phone.
George


So taking some things into consideration... her last chemo didn't work... if it did, it wasn't worth it.

There is a way to gene map this tumor and see what is going to kill it. I think that our best bet for a useful chemotherapy is to do this, of course we need to do the surgery, she will have her neck stabilised... then do the chemotherapy, or whatever we decide on from there. Hopefully we can buy ourselves another year to give them more time to come up with more information on things they are working on. (Gotta have hope, right?)

Still waiting on the other docs. to be fair they probably have to present them to the tumor board and see what their plan of action would be, of course her current oncologists are pretty open to new options.

Anyway, that is our plan so far. We will be in Baltimore for approximately 3 weeks... if things go perfectly, not certain on the time frame yet. Have to get that new MRI, and have them also do her cervical spine again, too. That way we can get an idea if the things is still growing like a maniac.

Emerald is mad about the decadron... LOL

On a good note, she went to school today, she also used the bathroom on her own there. They insist she stay in the wheelchair... no more falls... LOL She is not happy with that either!!! But she was glad she went.

I will keep you updated on new information.

Last thing, if you are needing to purchase soap, I have added a cut off date for Christmas delivery at Dec. 14. We need to get them in, and get as much done as possible before we head out of here.

Lots of Love!
Kimberly & My Joy, Emerald

Sunday, November 28, 2004 7:54 PM CST

Hello,

Wow! What a busy weekend we have had. Well, at least it was busy for me!

Saturday morning, my friend, Holly(and a friend of Allie) came over and helped me with my soap and stuff, she did a great job making lip balm and lotions! Today she stopped over with her very cute daughter, Madison, and brought me a jug of olive oil! (Great gift for a soap maker, believe me!) I made 9 loaves of soap, and got lots done, thanks to both her and my sister. THANKS!!!

This morning I was out checking out a church near our house, it was nice. I went alone... I think it was good for me to get out alone.

Emerald seems to be doing better. Saturday, she was up and moving around with Madison, and the other kids. Today she went potty by herself while I was gone, and has been trying to walk some more. She seems more steady. Although, I haven't given her the OK to walk by herself. Hopefully, the swelling is subsiding some.

I will be phoning Dr. Packer tomorrow, and hopefully the MRI disks I sent will have arrived at their destinations. If not, then they will be there on Tuesday, I suppose.

Anyway, things are OK, got lots of orders to pack. Thank you for all that have ordered soap, donated money, bought presents and offered prayers, an ear, or kind words. I appreciate it more than you know.

I will keep you updated on any new developments.

Love,
Kimberly

Friday, November 26, 2004 5:08 PM CST

Hi.

I hope everyone had a great day yesterday. I spent the day with my kids, Shawn and Shawn's family. It was really nice. Emerald didn't really feel so well, so we sat in the other room most of the time. I am glad I got to spend the time with her.

I guess my parents and sisters were missing us. My family is usually the "keep in it" type, and yesterday there were many tears for what Emerald and I are going through. I appreciate that. I appreciate them.

OK, someone is giving her the Bratz house. How nice! Thank you to those who have bought soap, those that have just donated money to Emerald's fund, and those of you who offer time, tears, kind words and prayers. I appreciate it. To those of you, who are working on fundraiser stuff, thanks. To those of you who emailed me... if I haven't gotten back to you... I have been slammed with email. Everyone is very helpful, but I am having a hard time getting back to everyone.

After looking at the report today, I can tell you that Emerald's spine is INDEED more curved. I find this odd, because they said it wasn't, but her tumor grew, and our friend Harlei initially had more curve but her tumor hadn't grown, and they found out it did indeed grow. Reports and MRI being sent out. Research being done. Looking for vaccine, gene therapy or virus type of research. If you have any information please send them.. along with chemotherapies to try... I will look at everything and anything.

The swelling in her spine goes from her pons to T9. It may go further down. I am going to call on Monday to see if we can get her on some decadron to reduce the swelling. We will taper off of them right away, just hoping it helps for a little bit. Maybe while we are in Florida.

Well, that is it for me today. I need a nap. :)

Love,
Kimberly

Thursday, November 25, 2004 7:25 AM CST

Emerald just saw something she really, really wanted on TV. A Bratz house. If anyone is inclined to get her a "big" gift. That would be what she would like. If anyone plans I getting it for her, could you please email me, so I know. I would hate for her to get a couple. I am pretty certain, I won't have the money to get this stuff this year due to our series of unfortunate events...

Happy Thanksgiving! (please note there are holiday present ideas in yesterday's journal...)

Well. George grew. I guess the question now is going to be what are we going to do about it. I am all over that right now.

On Friday, I can pick up the CD with her MRI's and the reports to go with, I will pick up any other information I can so I can have it on hand.

I will then be sending them out to Dr. Jallo, St. Jude, and to Dr. Packer in DC. I will continue to look for another way to help Emerald beat this tumor. We aren't giving up. I just can't believe the thing doubled in size over 7 weeks. 9 months to shrink it, and 7 weeks and it has grown back and then some, I just don't understand.

The sun is shining today. We will find the bright spot.

Emerald is such a brave kid. She bounced back from the news far better than I did. I think she is even feeling a bit better, hopefully, the swelling is subsiding... it seems to cause most of her symptoms.

I bent down to kiss her nose, and I asked her how she was so chipper. She said that it was because, "I am brave." She mentioned how she cried less than me... and I told her that I would be the one left and missing her, if something were to happen to her. She said, "I am NOT going to die, Mom, You have to be brave, too." With that, of course I started crying. She is such a good person. She is so VERY BRAVE. She has been my shining star since she was born. I love her so much.

Now, what I expect to happen.... Hopefully, either Dr. Packer or St. Judes will get back to me Monday. If we have to go down there, I will go. I may need some help taking care of the daycare kids or Anya and Ian... so if you would like to help out, please email me. Or even if you don't WANT to help out, but feel the need to do something. Email me.

I still plan to go to Disney with our family. We all need this break. We will work treatment around it.

If you live in Michigan and you would like to help me put together a fundraiser or two, please email me. My plan for that is to have a dinner. Right now, we need somewhere to have it, preferably someone to donate the space.

This time last year, my biggest worry was trying to figure out when I was going to actually have Ian. I was due the 14th of December. I was miserable. Today, I remember that Emerald was in the tub for, I think, two hours. Boy does she love baths. We went to my parents house, for dinner. My stomach was so freaking huge... LOL We prepared for craft shows... Emerald helped me out a lot. I miss her helping me, I guess she just helps me out in a different way now.

Emerald wants George to do one of two things. Either shrivel up and go away, or burst his little tumor bubble. Either way, George, you aren't welcome here.

Buckets of Love and Many Thanks to those of you who have supported me and Es.

This reminds me of my parents, who I am thankful for making me the mom I am. Interestingly, Emerald thinks of me when we hear this song...

I've got money in my pocket
I like the color of my hair
I've got a friend who loves me
Got a house, I've got a car
I've got a good mother
And her voice is what keeps me here

Feet on ground
Heart in hand
Facing forward
Be yourself
I've, I've never wanted anything
No I've, no I've, I've never wanted anything
So bad... so bad

Cardboard masks of all the people I've been
Thrown out with all the rusted, tangled,
Dented, God Damned miseries
You could say I'm hard to hold
But if you knew me you'd know
I've got a good father
And his strength is what makes me cry

I've got money in my pockets
I like the color of my hair
I've got a friend who loves me
Got a house, I've got a car
I've got a good mother
And her voice is what keeps me here

Feet on ground
Heart in hand
Facing forward
Be yourself
Feet on ground
Heart in hand
Facing forward
Be yourself
Just be yourself
Just be yourself
Feet on ground, heart in hand
Feet on ground, heart in hand

God, I love you, Emerald. Thank you for letting me be your mom.

Wednesday, November 24, 2004 12:55 PM EST

Well... it grew. They are faxing me the report today, and I am going to go down and pick up the MRI CD and reports from the hospital. Dr. Jamil wants me to send it out to whomever we can get to do something with urgency. Not what I wanted to hear.

Emerald is very, VERY upset. Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers.

Her head is OK though, no tumors there.

Wednesday, November 24, 2004 11:40 AM EST
Update: I called the results are back, just waiting for a doctor to call me back to discuss them. They told me that if I don't hear from them by 2:30 pm to call them back.

There was a snow advisory issued for my county! I am not ready for snow.


Wednesday, November 24, 2004 7:49 AM CST
Oh this stupid weather. My head feels like it is going to explode... my lungs ache... I need to move somewhere warmer with a more constant climate! Preferably near a major medical cancer research center for pediatrics... LOL

I did a little work on the soap site last night. Seeing as two of my friends passed on my site to their friends... and these people have lots of friends! It isn't what I plan for the site, but it looks nicer than it did, and I fixed some of the flubs... and will continue to fix some more today.

I did the total for Alex's Lemonade Stand. So far, 100 bars. I would like to donate more, so if you have been itching to order soap, now is a great time! Send the information to all your friends! I have a goal of selling 500 bars in the next 6 mos. That would be a $1000 to cancer research!

Emerald got her leopard print sling (for her bum arm) in the mail yesterday. It is pretty nice. We are also looking for cute (long) Christmas/Chanukah/Winter/Holiday socks for her neck brace (we are religiously diverse). If you would like to send some, please send them to the address below.

Some things Emerald is asking for, for Holiday gifts...

Crystal Glass animals... (I think she picked this one up from my mom!)

Anything Bratz (Of course!)

Beanie Babies

Anything else that looks like fun.. playdough, eazy bake oven type things... DVDs. Games for her Gameboy or PS2 or computer.

Now somethings I would want for the holidays.

For my loved ones who smoke to please try to quit by Emerald's Birthday (3/27). You are stronger than the addiction. I believe you can do it.

For donations made in Emerald's name to any charity that supports cancer research or hope or help for parents with kids with cancer and other life threatening illnesses.

I would also like to trade my neon in for a van so we could go places as a family... LOL but I doubt any of the readers here can help me with that!

My biggest holiday wish would be that Emerald and our family could get a reprieve from this cancer crap...

If it has to be something practical, then send me molly maid gift certifcates... the whole family will thank you!!!

Emerald has named her tumor... I forget what she named it, but she is using it as a visualisation to help make the tumor shrink.

Hopefully we will hear the results of the MRI today. I will post as soon as I find anything out.

Lots of Love,
Kimberly & Emerald

Tuesday, November 23, 2004 3:11 PM CST

No new news yet! Just thought I would update and let you know. I will call tomorrow around 11 to see if they heard anything yet. Hopefully.

The MRI went off without a hitch. Emerald was as pleasant as always...

Not really too much more to add. I don't feel good. I have neck pain, a headache and nausea... Hmmm.. brain tumor? LOL Probably not. Probably sinuses... and a little bit of sympathy for Es.

Lots of Love,

Kimberly

Monday, November 22, 2004 10:59 PM CST

I wanted to quick update before I have to get Es ready to leave for her MRI. She has barely smiled in two days. She is all over weaker and is having a rough time walking, and can't take care of most of her needs. The decline has been rapid. I am trying to stay optimistic, but I admit, it is getting rough. She seems to be in a lot of pain, even though I have been giving her motrin, it doesn't seem to be taking care of any of it. May ask for some vicodin for her. Tylenol 3 makes her all itchy.

I hope things shape up for our trip. I would hate to cancel, we NEED this trip. I need to not work for a few days.. and not have other obligations. I personally need some time off from the house and my family. I sound selfish but I would be a better parent if I could just get away. I yelled at all the kids this morning, probably the stress of all of this. I feel guilty. They deserve so much more than this. I am scared out of my freaking mind. I just love her so much.

__________________________________________________________

Please remember to keep our friend, Julia in your prayers as she also has an MRI today. Her mom is scared out of her wits. (No, I have no web page for her.)

Also, keep in your prayers our friend Harlei. She recently had an MRI and it showed that her c-spine was worse, and now they got news that her tumor is growing and Harlei will be going back on treatment.

Hope-sucking news... good thing we have all of you to help pour more back in...

Well, only 12 hours until Emerald's next MRI. She has become less independent in the last couple days. It worries me. Pray for concussion...

Please keep her in your prayers, thoughts, etc.

I will let everyone know as soon as I find out anything.

Love,
Kimberly

PS, I have been adding kids every day to the above list... If you are there and don't want to be, let me know, if you aren't and want to be.. let me know, too. The list of kids needing attention is long, too long.

Oh and thank you to our ChemoAngels who constantly are sending things and love to Emerald (and the other kids!)It is a bright spot in the day!

Sunday, November 21, 2004 9:49 AM CST

Please keep our baby friend, Julia (December baby, like Ian!), in your prayers she has an MRI the same day as Emerald and we would really like for her to also have good news.

Night 3 of chemotherapy, Emerald is doing OK with it. Not too sick, although she ate barely nothing today, a few strawberries. She ordered food and it made her sick to eat it.

She went to Bronners in Frankenmuth today, she bought me a christmas bulb that said... "I Love Mom" on it. I started crying.

Tonight our lovely cat, Cecelia, decided to leave us a messy present on the carpet, so I had to use the Bissel to clean it. I ended up doing the whole carpet, then all the kitchen floors, too... at 11:30 pm. Anya was still awake. She decided to sing a little song..."Cat poop, Cat poop, Caaaat pooooooP!" It was a lovely song.

_________________________________________________________

Emerald is still having some hand weakness and her neck is sore. The bruises are fading and she is going to Frankenmuth today with her Dad.

I appreciate the thoughts of Emerald and my family.

I apologize that the song on the webpage has some "flubs" in it. I can't find an mp3 that seems to work properly, without also downloading a bunch of spyware to my computer. :)

Things have settled down a bit here, and I will be getting the rest of the packages out this week. So if you haven't received it yet, I apologise that it is taking me so long, but it has been a rough couple weeks... I am a terrible business person, letting all this personal stuff get the way!!! (Just kidding.)

Please keep Olivia's mom, Wendy, Sofie, Harlei, Cheyenne's Family, Ray-Anne.. and the countless other children and families I have missed in your prayers today.

Thanks,
Kimberly

Saturday, November 20, 2004 9:52 AM CST

Today is the day that we get to celebrate Olivia's life. Two Saturdays in a row, only this time, Olivia is in our hearts instead of in our physical presence. I fell asleep thinking of her and woke thinking of her, too. I showed Anya the picture out of the paper and I asked her who it was. She said, "Oh-LOVE-ia!"

It is really odd how life continues on, and people go about their lives even when some of us are so sad and wonder how life can go on. My friend, Jennifer, said to me that after her daughters surgery, people were going about their lives that day, and it was annoying. The day that I die, I don't expect everyone to stop what they are doing. I am adult. I have lived much of my life, and celebrated in my children's lives. I loved, I got married, I had kids, I graduated. (OK, so it wasn't in that order.) But when a child passes... the world should take a pause, breathe in that moment, celebrate that life.

Today, we will celebrate Olivia's life. I sent purple flowers, I hope Olivia can see them.

Friday, November 19, 2004 2:43 PM CST

Hi,

OK, let me first start off by giving you the timeline to some of Emerald's difficulties.

August 27th she started on Baclofen. Baclofen has a side effect of a muscle relaxer. That is to help the the twitch stay away.

Within the next two weeks, she couldn't lift up her right arm. Increased muscle weakness is a sign of tumor growth and also could be from the medication, as it is a side effect.

We went to the neurologist. He said it was probably from the tumor growing. We went to the Orthopedic Surgeon, he also said, "tumor growth" most likely.

October 3rd. The tumor is smaller.

So today, the ortho says he doubts that the arm weakness is from the Baclofen. WELL... can someone explain to me how it can be from tumor growth, if the tumor hadn't grown??? Sorry, I don't have a PhD., but I can put things in order...

ANYWAY, sorry for the rant. Her neck seems fine, no more unstable from the fall, he says there is noticeable neurological deficits from the last time, not related to her neck stability. He thinks it is tumor growth... Off the record. But I am being causciously optimistic that it isn't. Just based on the way events have gone. We shall see. If I am wrong... I am wrong.

Of course this is the same guy that told us that wearing a soft cervical collar in 90 degree weather "isn't so bad." Oh and FTR, he isn't the guy who will be operating on her neck when the time comes... he is just the guy who has all her xrays now...

Olivia's service is tomorrow. Olivia's Obituary

Keep Wendy and Noah, and Olivia's Dad and other family members in your prayers. Wendy really needs your strength right now.

Love,
Kimberly & Es.

Friday, November 19, 2004 9:05 AM CST

Her orthopedic surgeon called and she is there now with her dad getting xrays. I will update as soon as I know something. Lyrics to the song on the webpage...

I'm finding my way back to sanity again
Though I don't really know what
I'm going to do when I get there
Take a breath and hold on tight
Spin around one more time
And gracefully fall back to the arms of Grace

I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside heaven's door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be

I'm looking past the shadows
Of my mind into the truth and
I'm trying to identify
The voices in my head
God which one's you?
Let me feel one more time
What it feels like to feel
And break these calluses off me
One more time

'Cause I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside your door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be

I don't want a thing from you
Bet you're tired of me waiting
For the straps to fall
Off your table to the ground
I just want to be here now

'Cause I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside heaven's door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be

I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside heaven's door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be

-----------------------------------------------------

Hi everyone,

Emerald slept comfortably last night and went to the bathroom with minimal dizziness. She is still sleeping so if she is still feeling that way today, she will be heading to the ER.

Please keep her in your thoughts and prayers.

Thanks,
Kimberly

Thursday, November 18, 2004 6:21 AM CST

Yet another update-life just isn't being good to us:

Emerald is now having trouble walking due to being dizzy. She is laying down right now, but if this continues into the morning, we will be going to the ER. I have Shawn waking her up every hour. I am trying really hard not to panic. We were just at the doctor today, he looked at her and said that she looked fine, just the symptoms we were describing... We have explainations for it all... and now I wonder. I will give it a couple hours and if she is still not right, I will call her dad to take her to the ER. If it is from a concussion, they won't do anything for her really anyway. If it is a tumor... well...

This sucks.

UPDATE: Emerald's MRI was moved up to Tuesday the 23rd. They are doing a brain and spine MRI because her symptoms sound enough like a brain tumor that they want to be certain. She had an appointment with PT/OT and they said that the weakness in her arm could be caused from the baclofen, and it will be really hard to overcome that, but not impossible. The shoulder pain is caused by (OK, so I didn't hear it correctly...LOL) some sort of separation in her shoulder and arm. It can cause pain into her shoulder blade... .(Bingo, sounds like a winner) So while these symptoms can all be explained separately, they just want to check to be on the safe side. Her counts were good, she begins Chemo tomorrow night.



<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Olivia Grace Thompson passed away this morning. Her mom called me a little bit ago. Please keep their family in your prayers while she tries to adjust to life without precious Olivia.

We only knew Olivia and Wendy a short time, but they have showed us so much kindness. When I first started talking to her, Wendy was pretty much only concerned how Emerald would feel when it got to this point. Wendy, Emerald and I are both really glad that you let us in. Knowing Olivia for the short time is so worth the heartache. I can say that especially after her dinner the other night, I learned how one can still be graceful in face of all this.

I only wish we had gotten to finish our game of Mall Madness...

We love you, Olivia.

Kimberly & Es

Note: Shawn went to get the mail. On the front page of our little news paper were Wendy and Olivia at her party on Saturday. I was there for that moment. I feel priviledged.

Wednesday, November 17, 2004 9:45 PM CST

Our friend, Olivia is still fighting. What a girl.

I wanted to add something I had forgotten about Emerald. On Monday, at school she fell over a lunch box and hit her forehead. That night her hand stopped working, she didn't mention it to me. On Tuesday, she was sent home because her hand didn't work, but she didn't tell me all of this until a little while ago. I mean, I knew she fell, but I didn't know the other facts. Anyway, I noticed tonight that both her eyes have blackening around them. Being that it is almost Thursday, I figure that I will talk to them tomorrow at her appointment, and have her checked out.

Anyway, I wanted to let you know, that we can also add something else to the mix, and it may not be tumor growth.

Thanks,
Kimberly

Wednesday, November 17, 2004 6:52 AM CST

Emerald's grasp seems to be slightly improved. She keeps practicing. I really want her to be able to use it. Drawing is one of her ALL time favorite things.

I am keeping my princess home from school today. She is obviously not keeping her balance as well, but still walking on her own.

Please keep Olivia, Wendy and Olivia's brother, Noah, in your prayers, as it seems Olivia is reaching for some wings.

Love,
Kimberly & Emerald

Tuesday, November 16, 2004 8:49 PM EST

Emerald keeps getting warm and sweaty, her cheeks are also flushed, and she is tired. Maybe she just has a bug. As of a little while ago, her grasp has not improved. I gave her a 1/2 dose of her medication (which I am allowed to do... btw!) and still hasn't seemed to help.

Tuesday, November 16, 2004 12:20 AM CST
Emerald came home from school today, she can't close her hand around her pencil.

It could be two things. For those that are optimistic, it could be the extra dose of her medication that I gave her. She got up at 6 am and needed her medication and I also gave it to her 2 hours later when she got up. So it could be that, as it is a muscle relaxer.

OR for the less optimistic... it could be tumor growth. As she has had a few symptoms over the last couple weeks that I have been noticing. (ataxia, nausea, neck and shoulder pain)

If this continues into tomorrow, I will call to get an earlier MRI. I am also looking into a clinical trial that seems promising, I will keep you updated.

BTW, Emerald specifically asked me for the "chicken virus" today... So I think she is worried also that this may be tumor growth. I haven't really talked about it to her, unless she specifically asks, but she has mentioned it to her paraprofessional at school.

Lots of Love,
Kimberly & Emerald.

Monday, November 15, 2004 9:13 PM CST

Hi everyone.

Please keep Sofie in your prayers while she is having her surgery and recovering tomorrow.

I want to thank Emerald, Keri, Christian, Kelly, Empyre, Lisa, Brandon, Nick, Shawn, Nina, My Mom, My Dad, Tristan, Rene, Sarah, Storm, (his girlfriend), Becky, Liam, Ruth, Mary and Marie for being there for the Relay this last weekend. Thank you to all of you who donated and helped to support us. I know a few of you weren't expecting to come on Friday, and only did because I threw a fit, and I especially thank you for coming. It made a difference to me, it really did. This is something I care about. When people ask if there is something they can do... THIS is what they can do. Thank you.



Now for some song lyrics that remind me of Emerald.

Sweet Child O' Mine, by guns n' roses

She's got a smile that it seems to me
Reminds me of childhood memories
Where everything
Was as fresh as the bright blue sky
Now and then when I see her face
She takes me away to that special place
And if I'd stare too long
I'd probably break down and cry


Sweet child o' mine
Sweet love of mine


She's got eyes of the bluest skies
As if they thought of rain
I hate to look into those eyes
And see an ounce of pain
Her hair reminds me of a warm safe place
Where as a child I'd hide
And pray for the thunder
And the rain
To quietly pass me by


Sweet child o' mine
Sweet love of mine


Where do we go
Where do we go now
Where do we go
Sweet child o' mine

Kimberly & Emerald.

Sunday, November 14, 2004 9:02 PM CST

Happy Birthday to my sister, Keri. The baby of the family is 30... my parents must feel old. (HAHAHA!!! Just kidding!)

I also forgot to write in Shawn's brother and his wifes birthdays, I am horrid with remembering things that aren't ingrained in my brain like my families birthdays, and Shawn is equally bad. I think I am going to add them all into my yahoo calendar so each year, I will get a reminder in my email a couple days before. Anyway, I wanted to wish Karen and BJ Weinbaum a wonderful year, and I am terribly sorry that I didn't remember. They have been such a wonderful support to me and Emerald this year and I feel terrible.



We had our Relay for Life and I will add some pictures. It was a good day. Emerald was the top individual, and our team did well, but not as good as another team (their stuff wasn't posted online.) All in all we earned a total of $42,000. Which was way more than the event goal of $25,000. Not too many people showed up. It was a first year event, but I still would have liked to see more of our family and friends, although, I am not such a great friend and have a hard time getting to see everyone else, so I understand. It was pretty emotional. My sisters and my friends held it together during the lumineria ceremony until the DJ announced the song I dedicated to Emerald... Breathing by Lifehouse... They started bawling. I didn't take any pictures of that part. I think it was because I was sooo into the ceremony itself, so I apologise for that.

Remember at these events to NOT pick the campsite right next to the DJ. While we didn't have to go far for the ceremonies, it was REALLY loud all night!!! LOL

My parents also showed up to do the survivor lap with me and Emerald. For those that do not know, my dad has had skin cancer many years ago, and bladder cancer more recently. He is doing well, no signs of either.

Anyway, it was really touching to be able to walk with my parents and my little girl.

During the Relay there was a contest where we had to dress up one of the guys like a girl and they had to collect money in their purse. The other teams thought that is wasn't fair that we had a "professional" on our team. OK... to set the record straight. He is straight and he is NOT a professional. My mil thought he was a skin head when she first met him, that is how much he ISN'T a professional. He was in second, but when he undressed he found a couple buck hidden in his clevage, so he would have tied for first... but that is OK.

After the Relay ended, my friend Lisa and Emerald's cousins all went to Olivia's Party. Olivia looked beautiful with glittery hair, and purple fingernails. A LOT of people love this family. The place was packed. So packed that we ate in shifts... because there wasn't enough places to sit. We left early because we felt those places should be seated with guests who were AWAKE... lol. People were still coming in and it was only an hour into it when we left.

I went home and slept for 14 hours straight. Lisa and the boys stayed over and I didn't even get to visit with them, because I was sleeping!

OK, well, I think that is it for now. I have soap orders going out tomorrow, just for your information, if I owe you a bar from the Relay donations... please email me your address again. I deleted a bunch of emails accidentally on Friday, when I was in a hurry looking for a particular email. I apologise.

Here are the pictures....

Christian as a girl...


Keri's fire pit... and my nephew Tristan.


Emerald sleeping...


Keri and her masterpiece...


Kelly and Empyre


Lisa...


Nina...


Billie Ray Empyre...


A balloon tree...


Me and Emerald...


Other people took more pictures, they should email them this week.

Love,
Kimberly & Es...

Friday, November 12, 2004 8:52 AM CST

Thank you to everyone who has written me a message in the guestbook. I read over them a few times a day, honestly, it means the world to me and I know Emerald loves reading them too, especially the jokes!

Relay for Life is today, we are excited and STILL COLLECTING DONATIONS! I met my goal as of this morning. Emerald is trying to get to $2000 by 2 pm tomorrow. If you are interested in donating to our team you can do so by clicking HERE!

Remember this is the LAST day I will be collecting donations and you wouldn't want to miss being part of our efforts, would you???? (Kidding!)

Well, Emerald is feeling well, as long as she takes Motrin her shoulder seem to be fine, so I give it to her along with her baclofen.

Oh and I will be doing a Craft Show at Lanse Cruese North in Macomb County on December 4th for anyone interested.

Thank you for checking in with us, and cross your fingers that we earn even more money at the Relay! Oh, and come visit us if you are in the area it is open all night and we would love to see our friends!

Love,
Kimberly & my cutie patootie, Emerald.

Wednesday, November 10, 2004 1:29 PM CST

Update on Rehab. She begins OT next Thursday at 9 AM. They waiting for an opening near this time for her for PT, so for now she will be only getting it through the school, which is fine. As soon as one opens up, she will begin that as well...

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Hello today!

I have a funny story to share...

Emerald and I were talking about how we are researching different thing for her clinical trial-wise. I mentioned something about the Newcastle virus I read about (it is a poultry virus)... anyway... at the same time we were discussing her feelings on continuing treatments and how she felt about this, she said that she did want to continue treatments, wants to find something else to see if it helps and when I asked her how she felt about being injected with a chicken virus, she replied.. "Baaak! Baak!" We both started giggling! She is Ok with that, so long as she doesn't have to wear the chicken costume!

The kids have half days T-F this week, and I have a craft fair (kind of) tomorrow...) I also have to get ready for Relay for Life! So it is busy and messy around here! Not to mention that my laptop needed to be reformatted the other day, and I lost all the information on it. It was completely unrecoverable.

If you are sick of my Relay for Life messages, I apologize, only til Friday, I promise! I wish we would have met our team goal already so I could shut up about it already... LOL

To those that have donated, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I appreciate it greatly, especially after reading on board I belong to that researchers have drugs and ideas, but they can't do them because they don't have the funding. WHAT IF the money that is pooled together today researches the drug or idea that cures MY child? I heard of one drug that was LITERALLY sitting on the shelves waiting until the drug before it was done with its trials. How ridiculous. I understand that the drug companies would lose money if they stopped what they were doing with the one drug to start pushing another, but do they realize that MY DAUGHTER won't have a second chance? We need new things NOW.

If you have been waiting to donate to our team... Please consider now. EVERY dime counts. Count your change and donate that amount to us. Ask your neighbors for bottles, and donate the amount you get. Whatever you can do, do.

Emerald is very excited. She has $1660 at the time that I have written this journal. I have $385 (OK, so I am seriously lagging behind!) We are both very close to meeting our goals. We are about $2000 away from meeting our team goal.

Our Emerald news today... shoulder still bugging her, still waiting for PT...(I just called and left a message) I have her parent teacher conference tonight... Aside from that things are going pretty well for now. Due to the pain, she hasn't been as independent as either of us would really like, so hopefully they will call so we can get some of that under control. She is trying to eat more. Her weight is down to 82 lbs. She hasn't been 82 lbs in almost 2 years, she is about 10 lbs lighter than before surgery. It could be that 10 cheerio a day diet!!! I suppose it could be worse, her diet before consisted of candy, chips and coke... (I am joking, kind of.) The school calls me and sends messages telling me she doesn't eat hardly anything... LOL As if I can force a 10 year old to eat!

Please leave us some messages!!!! Lots of people must check on us... the counter goes up very quickly... remember that even though things are going well for us right now, we need the encouragement and love to get us through. It seems when it is quiet, it gives my mind more time to wander and worry. ;) For those that leave messages, I appreciate it! We read each one. Sometimes I read them over and over, they make me feel less alone.

Lots of Love.

Kimberly and her trooper, Emerald.

Tuesday, November 9, 2004 7:33 AM CST

Today is Tristan's Birthday!

Thank you to those who have made a donation to support Emerald and I at the Relay for Life. We are doing really well, and I am happy to report that we are over our 1/2 point. Only a few more days until the event. If you would like to help us out, now would be a great time. I am also collecting names for luminaria. Please email me if you have someone you want added. There is information about survivors in the journal history, should be the first one... If you would like to support Emerald with her Relay for Life, and help us raising money for hope and a cure.... please visit her page HERE!

I also need support at the RELAY on Friday night and over night. If anyone would like to help... I would appeciate it. At this point I only have maybe one or two team members that plan on coming any time other than on Saturday, and even if you can't donate or raise money at this time... your physical support is also much needed and appreciated.

If anyone would like to look after Anya and Ian overnight while we do this, that would also be appreciated, or even one of them.

I have noticed that because Emerald is looking better and recoverying from her surgery, that it seems that she is fighting this tumor really well, with a high hope of beating it. Unfortunately that isn't how cancer works, at least not brain tumors. I have watched kids find out about the tumor, recover from surgery and for the next year or more the kids seem to be doing well. Then one day, it starts. Then people are shocked that it happened because they were doing so well. This has happened to me on several occasions, with different kids.

Please don't confuse her recovery from surgery with her recovery from cancer, they are two separate things. Please don't email me to tell me not to give up hope. I am not. I just figured that a few of you might need to know our reality. It is easy to forget for a while that she has cancer when she is looking so well, I even do it. The fact of the matter is, they didn't give us a true prognosis. They said "10-20 percent chance of making the tumor go away for a year." Keep in mind that while there isn't any reason why we can't be in that 10-20 percent, getting it to "go away" has proven to be rather difficult so far.

While I am grateful that Emerald doesn't have the prognosis that Diffuse Pontine Glimoa gives you... and I am thankful every day that our shred of hope is just that much more, and make certain I try to support those families as much as I can... I can't help but wonder what our reality is. Childhood Malignant Spinal Cord Tumors, are almost non existent (thank God.) I think I have met 4 kids online with this type of tumor... Not knowing is scary and stressful. Please know that I am not minimising any senario, just trying to explain our struggle... (and poorly, I might add!) Sometimes, I feel so hopeful and other times... hope is yanked out of my heart.

Just like with the Relay for Life. I don't need people there just during the important parts. I need help during the quiet times, too. I live with the fact that my daughter will most likely die from this tumor. People expect that I grab onto the tiny chance that she won't. That there will be some new treatments and it will suddenly reverse our chances. I hope. I hope with all my freaking heart. But at the same time, I am not one to set myself up for disappointment. It has been a rough, rough journey and even now when it is quiet and we received a bit of good news... the bad still looms overhead.

Emerald's shoulder is still bothering her. She is handling it well... still waiting for Rehab to call.

Keep Sofie in your prayers, they believe she had a mini stroke and she and her family are gearing up for a surgery.

Hugs,
Kimberly

Monday, November 8, 2004 7:30 AM CST

Good morning.

We spent much of the afternoon and evening with Wendy and Olivia, yesterday. I learned how to play a new game..."Mall Madness", lets just say that I truly believe that you must first have an IQ in the 160's to truly grasp the instructions... or the kids sit around waiting for you to play. Then it isn't for the deaf. Olivia and I had a hard time hearing it, so Emerald had to tell us what it said each time... it was rather amusing. I was well on my way to winning until the rest of the family put in Shrek 2 and we couldn't hear the game... (you can imagine my disappointment!!! HAHA!) We had pizza (tasty, too! Thanks for that!) and we also made a link to a chain that Olivia is making. I made mine, with little balls for bubbles, a green Emerald gemstone,& my name and Anya promptly, put her stuff over the top of it. Suits me perfectly, I suppose... just like real life. Anyway, it was a nice evening, I really, really enjoy talking to Wendy and Olivia has such a good sense of humor.

Emerald is at $1600 with her Relay for Life donations. Our team is $5.00 short of the 1/2 point. We only have until Friday to collect the rest of the money... I doubt we will make it, but I am hoping the other team members haven't added some in already. If you were considering adding to our donations, NOW would be a really great time to do it. I am excited about the Relay, but we are kind of a disorganised group... my fault completely... I need to get on the ball this week. There is also Olivia's Party afterward and tickets CAN be purchased at the door, but if you can purchase them in advance that would be great, too.

I have a invite for survivors... it says...

Saturday, November 6, 2004 11:14 PM CST

Hi everyone. I am feeling a bit better today...

First, Emerald is doing so well with her fundraising that I forgot about myself... so if you would like to help ME out... LOL My link is above. Emerald has raised about $1800 so far. Some of it doesn't show up because it is a monthly donation and won't show up until it is paid in full, but once it is paid, she will have a bit more than the $1800.00. Hopefully, she can get $200 more... that would be great. One of her chemoangels... Angel Donna is also a cancer survivor and sent Emerald her survivor medal and a pin with both of their pictures so she can be here in spirit for the walk. It brought tears to my eyes. Emerald's chemoangels are the absolute BEST!

Second, we went to Emerald's camp reunion dinner. We got to see Emily, and Olivia... I took pictures!

This is Emerald, and Olivia, and another girl (sorry, I don't remember her name and Emerald is asleep... )


This is Emily and Emerald. Emily's hair is growing back... Emerald is jealous at the short styles she will get to have until it grows out. ;) Emerald couldn't wait to see Emily, and kept asking if she was going to be there, then THEY DIDN'T TALK.... hmmm... it is a strange, weird occurance that happens because well, Emerald just doesn't talk when I am around and other people are also there... I don't know. So sorry Emily, I know she REALLY was excited to see you!


This is a picture of the girls and the companions at camp. Alison (next to Emily) was Emily's companion (and is also her cousin) and Amy Jo (last on right)was Emerald's. The first girl, that is Sara, she was the companion of another camper.


Third today....

Emerald got a letter for Paws with a Cause. It made her cry. They denied her for a social support dog, because they felt that she was going to need the service dog instead but she can't apply until she is 14. Which sucks. What if... (you probably know what I am going to say... ) but really. She isn't even close to remission... I just disagree with their decision, but what can we do? We can reapply (and get accepted) in 3 years. I hate to see her sad. She really wants a dog, but I don't want to get a puppy that we will have to train and end up possibly knocking her down... and the potty training and all that goes along with having a puppy... Besides, if we get a puppy and she gets a service dog in 3 years, she will have to get rid of it, because the dog has to be over a certain age before we get the service dog... LOL I feel like our hands are tied. Anyway, she was seriously bummed when I opened the letter.

Emerald's shoulder pain has continued. She is taking Motrin regularly. I am kind of at a loss on whether we should move up her MRI or not. Probably not, unless she shows some other symptom. I mean if she starts puking again... I will definitely get an earlier time, but as it stands, I will keep it where it is I suppose. Please keep her in your prayers, as always.

Sofie is home finally. Thank heavens... sad that she is too young for the trial, but glad she seems like she is getting a little better, lets hope that continues. Sofie needs to 100o she can fight with her brother! LOL Anya was totally convinced today that Sofie was her. I would say it is Sofie, and she would shake her head and say, "NO, Nanie!" It was cute!

Well, I think that is everything! Thank you for checking on us and I hope you have a wonderful Sunday!

Love,
Kimberly & a bummed out Es.

Saturday, November 6, 2004 11:14 PM CST

Hi everyone. I am feeling a bit better today...

First, Emerald is doing so well with her fundraising that I forgot about myself... so if you would like to help ME out... LOL My link is above. Emerald has raised about $1800 so far. Some of it doesn't show up because it is a monthly donation and won't show up until it is paid in full, but once it is paid, she will have a bit more than the $1800.00. Hopefully, she can get $200 more... that would be great. One of her chemoangels... Angel Donna is also a cancer survivor and send Emerald her survivor medal and a pin with both of their pictures so she can be here in spirit for the walk. It brought tears to my eyes. Emerald's chemoangels are the absolute BEST!

Second, we went to Emerald's camp reunion dinner. We got to see Emily, and Olivia... I took pictures!

This is Emerald, and Olivia, and another girl (sorry, I don't remember her name and Emerald is asleep... )


This is Emily and Emerald. Emily's hair is growing back... Emerald is jealous at the short styles she will get to have until it grows out. ;) Emerald couldn't wait to see Emily, and kept asking if she was going to be there, then THEY DIDN'T TALK.... hmmm... it is a strange, weird occurance that happens because well, Emerald just doesn't talk when I am around and other people are also there... I don't know. So sorry Emily, I know she REALLY was excited to see you!


This is a picture of the girls and the companions at camp. Alison (next to Emily) was Emily's companion (and is also her cousin) and Amy Jo (last on right)was Emerald's. The first girl, I can't remember her name either... and like I said Emerald is asleep... I am horrid with names.


Third today....

Emerald got a letter for Paws with a Cause. It made her cry. They denied her for a social support dog, because they felt that she was going to need the service dog instead but she can't apply until she is 14. Which sucks. What if... (you probably know what I am going to say... ) but really. She isn't even close to remission... I just disagree with their decision, but what can we do? We can reapply (and get accepted) in 3 years. I hate to see her sad. She really wants a dog, but I don't want to get a puppy that we will have to train and end up possibly knocking her down... and the potty training and all that goes along with having a puppy... Besides, if we get a puppy and she gets a service dog in 3 years, she will have to get rid of it, because the dog has to be over a certain age before we get the service dog... LOL I feel like our hands are tied. Anyway, she was seriously bummed when I opened the letter.

Emerald's shoulder pain has continued. She is taking Motrin regularly. I am kind of at a loss on whether we should move up her MRI or not. Probably not, unless she shows some other symptom. I mean if she starts puking again... I will definitely get an earlier time, but as it stands, I will keep it where it is I suppose. Please keep her in your prayers, as always.

Sofie is home finally. Thank heavens... sad that she is too young for the trial, but glad she seems like she is getting a little better, lets hope that continues. Sofie needs to 100% so she can fight with her brother! LOL Anya was totally convinced today that Sofie was her. I would say it is Sofie, and she would shake her head and say, "NO, Nanie!" It was cute!

Well, I think that is everything! Thank you for checking on us and I hope you have a wonderful Sunday!

Love,
Kimberly & a bummed out Es.

Friday, November 5, 2004 10:00 AM CST

Emerald woke up this morning with some severe pain in her right shoulder. We are hoping and think it may be from the right arm having no muscles to hold it up, it just hangs and adds weight to her spine... so hoping OT will be able to get her patched up, and feeling better.. the countdown to her MRI... hopefully this symptom isn't the start of something bad.

She did go to school today, I gave her motrin. She hasn't called, so hopefully that means she is feeling a bit better. I don't know what to do for her, and seeing her cry this morning and say her pain is a 7 out of 10 tears at my heart. Hopefully, it is just an OT issue that we can fix, not ready for another surgery yet.

Anya seems to be feeling better. Ian is learning to shake his head yes and no. He is so giggly.. he reminds me of the circus bugs in Bugs Life. Always there to make me laugh.

I want to say something else, too. It was brought to my attention that my Relay for Life message was a "hard sell" and some may be put off by that. Honestly, it isn't a sell at all. I try to keep it lighter... by focusing on Emerald winning and doing a dance... etc... but I really want to scream from the top of my lungs... HELP. US. Help us find a cure before another child dies. I am speaking from desperation, not only for me, but for the other parents of kids with cancer. I am not "feeling charitable", and trying to push my cause, I am desperately trying to help find a cure in the only way I can. Make it stop, before it takes my child. Please.

Please keep sweet Sofie in your prayers. Her link is below.

Love,
Kimberly & Emerald

Thursday, November 4, 2004 3:06 PM CST

I wanted to give an urgent update. Our sweet friend Sofie is having problems and is in the hospital. Please read about her HERE!

Hi,

Emerald's counts were great... she is feeling good, aside from a backache that I think is due to the fact that she can't lift up her right arm at all now. She was finally evaluated by PT and OT at her school yesterday, I just have to go in for the paperwork on Friday. I will also be putting her in rehab at her old center, but we have to find a slot.

I am personally really depressed. It could be a factor of things.. PMS, or the fact that I weaned my baby, the upcoming MRI...maybe the fact that dispite all our effort, children keep dying... I don't know... My head hurts from the weather and from crying...

Hopefully, I can get it together... I really need someone to pick the slack of my life while I do, but it seems like it makes more work for me if I take a break (does that make sense?)

Anya threw up in the car today... All over her new toat... I mean coat... I bought her a smaller version of Emerald's. She is soooo happy that she wants to wear it ALWAYS... LOL

Well, back to life...

Kimberly & Es

Wednesday, November 3, 2004 5:42 PM CST

Hi everyone. Emerald is doing pretty well. No new complaints. Seems like my concerns were unfounded, so far! We met up with Sammi's mom at the political rally we went to. It was a fun experience, even though I decided to bring Anya with me and Emerald... Thank you to Ellen and her kids for helping me out with Anya. I will be definitely volunteering some of my time to my party, just as soon as I get the information on where to sign up... oh and a little time to sign up would be helpful.

Dispite the fact that "my guy" lost, it was a good experience for Emerald, the whole election was. She learned a lot about how our system works, she learned some about herself and how she feels about certain issues, she learned how to decide if some claims are valid and to research before making a decision on those claims. She also plans to be president someday. We have another 25 years... but keep her in mind! LOL

Here are a couple of pictures. Please note, I am not in these at all!! (evil laugh)

Anya in her patiotic garb.


This would be Ellen hiding from the camera...and her son, Alec.


And this is Ellen, Alec, and Sammi. I think Ellen was thinking of strangling me! :)


Anyway, thank you for checking on us. Thank you for emailing about Tristan, if you did and I haven't emailed back yet, I will tomorrow.

We have an appointment tomorrow with oncology. I tried to make an appointment with neuro-oncology today, but I am still waiting for them to call me back. Then I tried to set up PT and OT for Emerald again. I think she needs it. Her right arm is basically useless. Hopefully, they will be able to help her get that back, again!

Everyone is doing fairly well over here, my head aches, but that is just the weather shifting!

Hugs,

Kimberly & Es.



EMERALD IS ALMOST TO $1300.00 PLEASE HELP!!!

We are still collecting donations for luminerie for the Relay for Life. We are also looking for survivors to join us. If you are interested, let me know and I can send you an invitation. Our team needs about $1000 more to reach the half way point. We would really, REALLY appreciate any donations. Even $10 toward our total, for any of our team members, would help. You can find Emerald's page by clicking HERE! We are also looking for donations for food. We need to sell something at the Relay, the proceeds to the Relay, of course. Thank you to those of you who have done your part to support me and Emerald!

She asks every day, if she has received more donations...she does a dance each time. This weekend we are going to go door to door in neighborhood to ask.

Last thing about the Relay. If you are a woman over 40, if you could please email me with the following information we also collecting this:

*Name
*Birthdate
*Date of Last Mammogram

The following information also, but not manditory.
Address
Phone
If you are interested in having the American Cancer Society contact you regarding a free mammogram? Y/N
Race/ethnicity

I really, really appreciate your support, the information collected helps them track where they would need to put their efforts and also to help find people who need to have a mammogram. Did you know that by the time you feel a lump in your breast, it is usually stage 3 cancer?

---

Monday, November 1, 2004 8:07 AM CST

Remember I spoke of my friend Wendy and her daughter Olivia. She has a new webpage. Her webpage is HERE. Please visit and help support our friends on their journey.

Also our friend Sarah got bad news on her MRI. Her tumor started growing. Her mom could also really use the support right now.

Also, Cheyenne's family. This just hurts so bad right now.

Lots of bad news. I apologize. It is just such a big part of our world.


I did take lots of pictures last night and here they are...
Emerald really looks great! She has in fake vampire teeth...




This is my nephew, Tristan...he was Sulley from Monsters Inc. He spends a lot of time with us. If anyone could send him some mail to my address (Tristan Nickerson) that would be appreciated. He has been feeling very left out. He is almost 6.


This is my bunny-girl, Anya. I tried and tried to get her to sit still for a picture, and she refused. I asked her why... her reply? "Bunny hop, Mama!"


Last, my little chicken. He was so cute. Although people thought he was a girl...


The kids all had a great time. He got a bit chilly at night, but because we are in Michigan, we already pick cold weather costumes. Two days ago it was 70 and today it is 46. Hmmm...

Emerald and I are going to a political rally tonight. I won't say who because, well, honestly, it isn't any of your business...LOL and if it were that important to know, I suppose one could find out anyway. Emerald really wanted to go, so we are going. They changed it to indoor venue... thank goodness.

Emerald is having a few symptoms that make me worry. She told me the other day, that when she walked... she felt "heavy"... I don't know if it was from the shock of what happened with Cheyenne or what. She seems better today, but asked for Motrin for her neck. That always worries me because it usually only bothers her when that damn thing is growing. We have an appointment on Thursday, so we shall see what they say then. Hopefully, nothing new will present itself in the couple of days.

We are still doing relay for life... It is below. Please help us out. This week has been really rough, so far. We NEED to BATTLE CANCER. Please join us in that fight.

Kimberly and her little goblins.






EMERALD IS ALMOST TO $1300.00 PLEASE HELP!!!

We are still collecting donations for luminerie for the Relay for Life. We are also looking for survivors to join us. If you are interested, let me know and I can send you an invitation. Our team needs about $1000 more to reach the half way point. We would really, REALLY appreciate any donations. Even $10 toward our total, for any of our team members, would help. You can find Emerald's page by clicking HERE! We are also looking for donations for food. We need to sell something at the Relay, the proceeds to the Relay, of course. Thank you to those of you who have done your part to support me and Emerald!

She asks every day, if she has received more donations...she does a dance each time. This weekend we are going to go door to door in neighborhood to ask.

Last thing about the Relay. If you are a woman over 40, if you could please email me with the following information we also collecting this:

*Name
*Birthdate
*Date of Last Mammogram

The following information also, but not manditory.
Address
Phone
If you are interested in having the American Cancer Society contact you regarding a free mammogram? Y/N
Race/ethnicity

I really, really appreciate your support, the information collected helps them track where they would need to put their efforts and also to help find people who need to have a mammogram. Did you know that by the time you feel a lump in your breast, it is usually stage 3 cancer?

---

Saturday, October 30, 2004 9:55 AM CDT

Cheyenne Marie Fiveash passed away at 1:06 AM. Cheyenne was Emerald's best far away buddy. We knew the end was near and I was talking to Emerald about it, late last night. She just wanted to make sure she wasn't scared. Emerald wears a friendship bracelet that Cheyenne gave her. It never comes off.

We love you and will miss you, Cheyenne. You made our world a better place. The Fiveash family is an inspiration. Reading their story helped me see the light of day when I felt so very buried. Cheyenne was someone that Emerald could relate to. She feels a special bond with Cheyenne even though they have never met in person. Some day they will meet.

I hate cancer.
















EMERALD IS ALMOST TO $1300.00 PLEASE HELP!!!

We are still collecting donations for luminerie for the Relay for Life. We are also looking for survivors to join us. If you are interested, let me know and I can send you an invitation. Our team needs about $1000 more to reach the half way point. We would really, REALLY appreciate any donations. Even $10 toward our total, for any of our team members, would help. You can find Emerald's page by clicking HERE! We are also looking for donations for food. We need to sell something at the Relay, the proceeds to the Relay, of course. Thank you to those of you who have done your part to support me and Emerald!

She asks every day, if she has received more donations...she does a dance each time. This weekend we are going to go door to door in neighborhood to ask.

Last thing about the Relay. If you are a woman over 40, if you could please email me with the following information we also collecting this:

*Name
*Birthdate
*Date of Last Mammogram

The following information also, but not manditory.
Address
Phone
If you are interested in having the American Cancer Society contact you regarding a free mammogram? Y/N
Race/ethnicity

I really, really appreciate your support, the information collected helps them track where they would need to put their efforts and also to help find people who need to have a mammogram. Did you know that by the time you feel a lump in your breast, it is usually stage 3 cancer?

---

Friday, October 29, 2004 7:49 AM CDT

Good morning. Today Emerald got to wear her Halloween costume to school! She couldn't stand the wig we have for the costume, but she still looked "cool"... which is what she wanted.





For the last couple of days Emerald has been not feeling well. I have noticed that she isn't walking as well... keeps falling to the side. I asked her and she says she feels as healthy as ever, and that she keeps falling because her pants are too long. I hope so. We will see over the weekend.

She begged me to take her to a political ralley on Monday... LOL Cracks me up. So we are going to go. She is extrememly excited. Almost more than Halloween!

EMERALD IS ALMOST TO $1200.00 PLEASE HELP!!!

We are still collecting donations for luminerie for the Relay for Life. We are also looking for survivors to join us. If you are interested, let me know and I can send you an invitation. Our team needs about $1000 more to reach the half way point. We would really, REALLY appreciate any donations. Even $10 toward our total, for any of our team members, would help. You can find Emerald's page by clicking HERE! We are also looking for donations for food. We need to sell something at the Relay, the proceeds to the Relay, of course. Thank you to those of you who have done your part to support me and Emerald!

Emerald was disappointed that she hasn't gotten more donations since last week. She asks every day. This weekend we are going to go door to door in neighborhood to ask.

Last thing about the Relay. If you are a woman over 40, if you could please email me with the following information we also collecting this:

*Name
*Birthdate
*Date of Last Mammogram

The following information also, but not manditory.
Address
Phone
If you are interested in having the American Cancer Society contact you regarding a free mammogram? Y/N
Race/ethnicity

I really, really appreciate your support, the information collected helps them track where they would need to put their efforts and also to help find people who need to have a mammogram. Did you know that by the time you feel a lump in your breast, it is usually stage 3 cancer?

******************************************************************
Please pray extra hard for our friends Cheyenne and Olivia. Both are doing poorly and are in need of extra, extra prayers. WE LOVE YOU BOTH!
******************************************************************

Thank you for all the jokes, Emerald is really, really enjoying them. If you have anymore, we would love to hear them!!!

Have a wonderful day!

Love,
Kimberly and her goth girly!

---

Wednesday, October 27, 2004 7:09 AM CDT

I am going to keep this at the top of the page for the next couple days....

We are still collecting donations for luminerie for the Relay for Life. We are also looking for survivors to join us. If you are interested, let me know and I can send you an invitation. Our team needs about $1000 more to reach the half way point. We would really, REALLY appreciate any donations. Even $10 toward our total, for any of our team members, would help. You can find Emerald's page by clicking HERE! We are also looking for donation for food. We need to sell something at the Relay, the proceeds to the Relay, of course. Thank you to those of you who have done your part to support me and Emerald!

Emerald was disappointed that she hasn't gotten more donations since last week. She asks every day. This weekend we are going to go door to door in neighborhood to ask.

Last thing about the Relay. If you are a woman over 40, if you could please email me with the following information we also collecting this:

*Name
*Birthdate
*Date of Last Mammogram

The following information also, but not manditory.
Address
Phone
If you are interested in having the American Cancer Society contact you regarding a free mammogram? Y/N
Race/ethnicity

I really, really appreciate your support, the information collected helps them track where they would need to put their efforts and also to help find people who need to have a mammogram. Did you know that by the time you feel a lump in your breast, it is usually stage 3 cancer?

******************************************************************
Please pray extra hard for our friends Cheyenne and Olivia. Both are doing poorly and are in need of extra, extra prayers. WE LOVE YOU BOTH!
******************************************************************

Emerald had a good time on her field trip yesterday, it was such a long day. It kind of wore her out and she has been very tired. She is sore today from doing so much walking, so today she is staying home with a little motrin to rest up.

Some of those jokes in the guestbook are funny... Please continue to post them... we need some smiles!

Have a wonderful day.

Love,
Kimberly and her angels here on earth.

---

Tuesday, October 26, 2004 6:55 AM CDT

Good morning! It has been a while since I updated, you are probably all wondering how things are going!

They are just great. Emerald went to school early this morning for a field trip to Lansing (our state's capital.) She will be gone until 6 or 7 tonight! That is going to be one long day!

Tonight is the last night of chemo. She has been waking up in the morning with a bit of nausea, but I give her a kytril and that is usually good until she gets the dose just before her chemo.

Last night was our Relay for Life team captains meeting. They clapped for Emerald because she has earned so much money. So far she is the highest earner. We are still collecting donations for luminerie for that. We are also looking for survivors to join us. If you are interested, let me know and I can send you an invitation. Our team needs about $1000 more to reach the half way point. We would really, REALLY appreciate any donations. Even $10 toward our total, for any of our team members, would help. You can find Emerald's page by clicking HERE! We are also looking for donation for food. We need to sell something at the Relay, the proceeds to the Relay, of course. Thank you to those of you who have done your part to support me and Emerald!

Emerald was disappointed that she hasn't gotten more donations since last week. She asks every day. This weekend we are going to go door to door in neighborhood to ask.

Last thing about the Relay. If you are a woman over 40, if you could please email me with the following information we also collecting this:

*Name
*Birthdate
*Date of Last Mammogram

The following information also, but not manditory.
Address
Phone
If you are interested in having the American Cancer Society contact you regarding a free mammogram? Y/N
Race/ethnicity

I really, really appreciate your support, the information collected helps them track where they would need to put their efforts and also to help find people who need to have a mammogram. Did you know that by the time you feel a lump in your breast, it is usually stage 3 cancer?

Please keep our friend Cheyenne in your prayers. Our friend Sofie is having a MRI soon, please keep her in your prayers, too.

My sister called me last night and said, that she had spent about 4 hours going to all the kids sites and just crying. She isn't alone, lots of people do this. These kids are so brave. Thank you, Keri for taking the time to get your heart involved!

All orders have shipped. I have a partial order to go out (you know who you are!) and that is it. So if you are wanting to order for Christmas, PLEASE get those orders in, now. I will be gone the second week in December and by then shipping will be slower. :)

Did mention that for Emerald's 10 1/2 birthday, she got a 4 yo cat, she named Wyatt? He is a handsome cat! Here is a picture of him lying on Emerald's leg. He is very sweet and patient with Cecelia and ANYA!



Have a wonderful day!

Love,
Kimberly & My Little Gem.

PS please leave us a silly note or joke in the guestbook. Lets make the next couple days fit for tricksters, like Emerald!

---

Friday, October 22, 2004 7:04 AM CDT

Here is a picture of Emerald in a chicken costume I made a couple years ago. Thank you to my sister Kelly for finding it.

I will be back later to add on to this post, Emerald has a doctors appt this morning.



OK, well, I am back, Emerald's counts were wonderful and she begins her chemotherapy tonight. They want me to make an appointment with a neuro-oncologist at Motts. I had been asking what comes after the Temodar. They had origonally said about a year on it, and I was curious as to what to expect. So I guess we shall see.

One of the daycare moms told me she is changing shifts and tonight is the kids last night here... kind of bums me out, but we will survive! Hopefully, I can line up some new kids soon.

So far... I have sold 84 bars of lemonade soap! That is $168.00 donated to Alex's Lemonade Stand.

I have only 2 more orders to go out. If you want to place an order. Now is a good time. Please keep in mind we will be gone from December 8th-14th. If you need something shipped before then, PLEASE order as early as possible.

:)

Have a great day!

Oh and that costume was super easy! If you need directions let me know!

Kimberly & Es

---

Thursday, October 21, 2004 10:04 AM CDT

Hi everyone. Yesterday, was Angel Donna's birthday (One of Emerald's chemo angels.) She sent us party hats, blowers, cupcakes, candle streamers and stuff to celebrate. We sang happy birthday and the kids ran around... it was great fun. Anyway, the picture at the top is what that is. Happy Birthday, Donna and thank you for sharing with us. Emerald tried to get me to open that box for two days before October 20th!

The colds seem to have vacated, everyone except for Ian. The poor kid seems to hold on to colds more than everyone, but then again he is teething, too.

Emerald is at $1100.00 for RELAY FOR LIFE. I love seeing her excited. For those that helped her reach that goal, I just wanted to thank you. She wanted me to raise it yet again... Our team has a goal of $5000.00, I hope that we can at least make half of that, at this point. Thank you to all that have donated. If Emerald gets another $235 she will be the top earner in the whole relay so far, the person who is ahead of her is the guy who is running the event. Not bad for a 10 year old! She is hoping to win a prize, although, I am not certain what the prizes are...

Everytime I end my post, I realize I forgot something... hmmm...

Sammi and her mom sent Emerald a wheelchair for her American Girl doll. It is very cute and Ian and Anya love to push the doll around. Thank you so much!

Oh and Emerald is now able to bend over and pick stuff up off the floor. Her balance has improved greatly, AND she can reach back with her left hand and find things. She couldn't do that before and they weren't sure if it was going to come back. I think school is making a huge difference. Hopefully, they will have PT and OT look at her so she can get back to working on that, soon.

That is it for now. Need to get moving!

Love,
Kimberly & Es

---

Tuesday, October 19, 2004 9:53 AM CDT

I am going to add this in... everyone keeps asking.

Emerald is going to be a Goth Girl/Vampire. Anya is going to be a bunny, and Ian is going to be a chicken! Don't worry, I will take lots of pictures!

I have a bunch of soap orders going out today, if you ordered and haven't heard from me by tomorrow, please email me again. If you had a question and I haven't gotten back to you, please email me again... I feel like a dunce these days with so much going on.

Emerald has another MRI scheduled for Dec 3rd... another Friday. I figure that will give us 5 days to get the results back for our trip. Either we will continue our good news on the trip or we shall pacify ourselves with the trip... either way, we will have fun on the trip!!! LOL Same with the holidays. At least we will have plenty going on, right? Just pray that &^*()$# tumor shrinks.

Emerald was asked to be Miss March in a Calendar. I will let you know how that goes and when it will be available.

We are still looking for donations for our Relay for life team. I would like our team to be a big contibuter to help make the event a success. You can mail us the contributions, make the check out to ACS and send to our address listed below. Or you can make an online contribution. RELAY FOR LIFE A $25 donation gets you a bar of soap and 2 sample bath bombs (I upped the bribe.) We are getting excited about the relay. Emerald checks her site everyday and has been very disappointed that there hasn't been many donation this last week. Thanks to those of you who have donated already.

Remember if you are survivor WE NEED YOU to come down to the relay and walk in our survivor lap! Walk with Emerald and my dad!

I have some new pictures of Emerald that I took the other day. I will get them up hopefully tomorrow. :)

Hugs to everyone! Thanks for visiting... and LEAVE US A MESSAGE!

Love,
Kimberly & Miss March.

---

Monday, October 18, 2004 12:45 AM CDT

Good afternoon!

Emerald stayed home from school today, she didn't feel well this morning. She has seemed fine since, perhaps she just wanted to stay home and I guess that is OK, too.

We went to see our friend Olivia this weekend. Olivia is a very sweet little girl, Emerald played Sorry! with her and they colored some velvet posters, while Wendy (Olivia's mum) and I got to chat and watch Ian walk around. Olivia wanted to hold Ian, but he was a brat and only wanted ME to hold him. So hopefully the next time, I can get him so he isn't hungry and needy.

Ian's top teeth came in FINALLY. As you can imagine it hasn't been so nice around here. He doesn't take pain very well, LOL. Poor little guy. With the changing weather, I think it added to his problem.

On November 13th, Olivia is having a fund-raiser. A spaghetti dinner, with kids activities (balloon artist and face painting), also a DJ. If you would like more information (it is in Fraiser, MI), please email me emeraldsmama-supportcancerresearch@yahoo.com. Olivia's family could really, really use the assistance. She is also looking for size Large womens stretchy type pants. Olivia is on steroids and we know how that is. Emerald went through more clothing sizes than I did last year and I had a baby...

Emerald is looking great these days! She is doing really well.

Thank you for visiting and thanks to those who visited Haley's page. Her link is in the journal history.

Hugs,
Kimberly & Emerald

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Friday, October 15, 2004 2:04 PM CDT

Good afternoon!

I want to first ask a favor. If you could please visit this mom and little girl and give them support I would appreciate it. Haley was diagnosed with a wilms tumor over Labor Day, I know how lost and scared I felt when we first found out, and I know how much it helped me to have my caringbridge family (as well as my babycenter and soap dish family!) Click here for Haley.

Today was blood count day, her counts were wonderful, as usual, funny because that used to not be the case! I got a Rx from her doctor for an MRI in 8 weeks. I have to call to schedule it, so I will let you know when it is. The worrying starts all over!

We also went to see her orthopedic surgeon, he took X-Rays of her neck and guess what? AGAIN, it has improved. Where there was no curve toward the front, there is now. It is slightly still unstable. It still goes up and down more than curves toward the front, but it was obviously better than it was. He always seems so pessimistic when I see him. Only the first time did he say it looks better. Every time since then, I will say it looks better and he says, "yeah, but..." Whatever, just glad he didn't do that surgery in June!

She, of course, still has to wear the dreaded cervical collar, but she knowing it might have helped her improve is great.

I got to talk to Harlei's mom on the phone last night. Pray they get their house woes figured out. My goodness, talk about stress! I would probably be at my wit's end. Harlei has the same doctors as Emerald and is having the exact same operation done. I didn't realize it until Angelique called last night and pointed it out. Of course, Harlei's doctors didn't recommend the cervical collar like our did. Emerald hasn't taken it off since surgery. I don't know if that is the reason Emerald's spine hasn't degraded, but I will take it! Harlei will be having surgery in Jan, so keep her in your prayers as well! Pray they get the &^ tumor out, and stablize her spine.

It is 3:30 in the afternoon her and 5 kids are here. ALL 5 of them are sleeping. They all have coughs. Even Anya is sleeping!!! I can't believe it! So on that note, I need to go and work on a few things while they are out cold, LOL

Hope you have a wonderful night...

OH and I almost forgot! We are scheduled to go to Disney, Dec 8th. This is going to be great! The kids are very excited. Thank you to give kids the world and make a wish!

Don't forget about Relay for Life! We still need more donations. Emerald is at $1015.00 Another $25 donation and our team will be in first place!!!! Any takers? The link is in the journal history from yesterday. I want to see Emerald do her dance!!!

Thanks to those who signed, we feel very popular! :)

Kimberly & Emerald.

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Thursday, October 14, 2004 8:05 AM CDT

Sorry, it has been a few days. I am glad everyone enjoyed the pictures! (If you haven't seen them, they are in the journal history.)

Dr. Jallo emailed yesterday, he is her neurosurgeon out of Johns Hopkins Hospital. He wants us to continue on with this treatment, and have another MRI in 8-10 weeks. He did agree that the tumor had gotten smaller. I assume that if it is still yet smaller next time, we will continue on with this treatment and if it is larger they will want to remove it. Let's hope it is still shrinking because I am not ready to put Emerald though another surgery... Honestly, I will never be ready, it makes me sick to think of it, not to mention being out of state where I know, no one... I will have to drag my mother there by force... (I think Dad could take care of himself for a while... LOL) Anyway, it doesn't do me much good to think of those things now, I just hate having an uncertain future for me or Emerald.

I woke up this morning with a sore throat, I think I caught the kids cold... Just lovely. Emerald also seems like she is catching it. She seems to be fighting it off pretty good, so lets hope that continues, I know this is the week her counts are at their lowest in their cycle. Lately, they have still been good at this point. She has an appointment for blood counts and for a flu shot (she is mad.) for tomorrow, as well as having an appointment with her orthopedic surgeon, to make certain her neck isn't degrading any further. We need it to stay this way or improve so we can avoid having to encase Emerald's tumor in titanium, to keep her neck stable. When they do another neurosugery, they will have to do this, but I want to wait until then before they do it.

Our RELAY for LIFE team is doing really well. We were the top team for I think about 2 minutes. LOL We have more donations to add in. I just have to get the three team members who haven't added them, to do it. Click HERE to make a donation or EVEN JOIN OUR TEAM. Our success depends on YOU to help us reach our team goal. If you are a survivor and you live in this area, please email me and come take part in the survivor lap around the track (it is inside and you walk) We would be honored to have you there.

Thank you, thank you, to all of you who have supported us in Relay for Life, in buying my Lemonade Soap, and in buying my regular soap and stuff. For sending prayers, cards, presents, money. For being there for me to talk to, lean on, get away. For making Emerald feel special (she always was!). I appreciate every tiny bit.

Whew, this is one long boring post... Honestly, today, I have nothing fun to say. Anya and Ian are still sleeping, so the fun has yet to start. I don't want to talk about politics because I don't want to put anyone off with our differing viewpoints. (I am just praying my guy wins...lol) My mom pointed out to me yesterday that my spelling is horrid. It really isn't my spelling and if I know a word is wrong I check it. It is because usually I type this with Ian screaming at my leg... because he wants my attention. He is a perfectly happy kid as long as I am holding him. You would think I would have some buff arms by now, but alas, they are not. I usually have to stop every 10 seconds because Anya is in the fridge poking into the plastic wrap on anything that is squishy... so that really doesn't help my proof reading skills. (One of my friends on the soap bulletin board said this and it suits me also) the neighbors must think a banshee lives here with the way I have to scream at Anya. She could probably take care of herself for a few days, but because she lives with us, I have to do the damage control each day and it takes up lots of time.

Anyway, enough about that. If you see a spelling error/typo/bad grammar... well.. too bad. (hahahahahahah!) I do notice later, but it just isn't worth the effort sometimes..

Oh, OH, and last thing... (this post is going to go on forever...) we got two packages in the mail. One from Celeste's family... what lovely stuff! MMMmmmm CANDY! Tattoos. Stickers. Paint brush and watercolor pages, BARNEY! Candles, soap, bathsalts, bath fizzes! I could smell the stuff through the box! We had a great time opening the stuff. Thank you so much! You really know how to ship a care package. First I tricked the kids into thinking it was really boots, you were sending us, then I was amazed at the colorful tissue papers and ribbons. Great job! Much better than the peanuts and bubble wrap I send everything in!

Emerald also opened a box from Ashlee. She made some beautiful pictures of Emerald, and put them into a frame. She also made one of Emerald's name that has what the different letters mean. There was lots of stuff in that box, too! I kept saying... is there more??? LOL Thank you for thinking of Emerald.

Please keep our friend Olivia in your prayers. Her mom, Wendy, too. Olivia was recently diagnosed with another primary tumor, this time it is in her brain stem, a diffuse pontine glioma. The worst of the worst. We are going to visit her on Sunday. Olivia is 11.

I hope everyone has a wonderful day. (if they aren't bored to tears already!) Sign our guestbook! We love to see all the people who visit... I found out there are others who don't sign but visit often! Sign, so we look popular! (I am just kidding... ;) )

Love,
Kimberly & Es

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Sunday, October 10, 2004 10:31 PM CDT

Good evening! Shawn and I took the kids to the pumpkin patch today, it was really fun watching Anya get so excited about the pumpkins. This is her 3rd Halloween, but she never really understood what was going on. Emerald did a great job navigating the field. There were dead vines and she hung onto my arm some, but mostly walked just slowly. Even though the ground was uneven. She is just doing so awesome.

She is at $910.00, only $90 more until she reaches $1000!! If you would like to donate, see the journal history. The first post has links to our donations pages!!!

OK, so here are the pictures and I will write more in the morning... maybe, LOL.

Emerald on her quest for the perfect pumpkin... it took her the longest to find "the one"...


Anya running around being excited...


Emerald flashing that dazzling smile.


Tristan and Ian, trying to see while I am taking their pictures... LOL


My littlest guy, and his first pumpkin.


Hope you have a wonderful night and please visit some of our friends.

Kimberly & my little pumpkins

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Saturday, October 9, 2004 9:36 AM CDT

Good Morning.

I put a sign in Emerald's window, about the shrinking tumor and one of the neighbors mentioned how excited they were to see it. :) I am glad they understood!!! LOL

Emerald is doing really, really well. Well in school, well here at home. I am rally happy about it. Her quality of life is finally back to a good spot. It only took about 9 mos, but finally she is there.

I did send her MRI to Dr. Jallo to look at. Not certain what he will say, but I will let everyone know when we hear from him.

Emerald had raised $900.00 so far for our Relay for Life. This is great. This is keeping the other members, all adults, scrabbling to try to get donations. They are motivated, Emerald is excited. If you would like your loved ones (cancer survior or someone who passed) name on a lumineria please donate to Emerald or myself... or any team member and email me with the name of your loved ones name. We would love to include them in the lumineria ceremony!

I will have a total of all the lemonade soap I have sent out, and then I will be making sending the donation for the last few orders I have recieved... Thank you for helping me, help research for pediatric cancers. I sent out many, many packages yestrday. Today I will be sending out a few more, and then I will be almost done. If you would like to order, now would be a great time, because I am finally caught up on the other orders!

Thank you and have a wonderful weekend.

Kimberly & Emerald

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Thursday, October 7, 2004 11:09 AM CDT

Emerald's counts this week were wonderful, as expected. We are still enjoying telling people the news about her dying tumor... I still get teary when people talk about it, and it has been 4 days.

The only enhancement is from C2-C4. There is a decrease in swelling from the craniocervial junction (Where the brainstem and the spinal cord meet?) to C6. This is great, because in July the swelling was down to T2 and that was causing her all sorts of problems. Hopefully, there will be a continued decrease in swelling and in the tumor.

Anyway, Emerald is doing well with the Relay for Life. She was at $535.00 this morning. She is hoping to make it to a $1000. If you would like to participate with us, (THE RELAY is INDOORS!!! thank heaven! We were prepared to freeze outdoors in November) we could use about 15 other team members. If you can't participate you could help us out by raising some funds and sending to our team or Emerald's donation page. Lisa from the soap dish forum, that I am part of, has made scarves and sold them to help out when she personally didn't have the cash to make a donation. Her time helped bring in donations... It is soooo appreciated. Emerald's relay page is HERE! (I just looked at she is at $625.00, she will be so excited!)

I am also still selling lemonade soap. If you would like to help clean up cancer please visit the link above the journal and order some, they made wonderful christmas gifts.

Kimberly & Emerald.

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Monday, October 4, 2004 10:57 PM CDT

I just wanted to say thank you for all the guestbook entries. It really is great that everyone has come to leave well wishes and check on our family. Emerald was so excited when she heard she actually let out a little scream.

She also made a sign... LOL



Thanks again, and please if you would like to help Emerald reach her new goal in her Relay for Life... please visit her page. It is probably the third entry down in the journal history. She is have a great couple days. I am thrilled for her, and will probably relax for about a week... then back to worrying... LOL

Thank you for the prayers and thanks to god for listening!

Kimberly & Emerald.

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Monday, October 4, 2004 3:28 PM CDT

Well, this was well worth the wait...

IT IS SMALLER!!!!!!

I am crying like a baby... and I can't think coherently right now... I will post more later!!!

I am so happy.

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Monday, October 4, 2004 1:05 PM CDT

First things first, I still haven't had an update from the drs office. I called DO have the results but I have to wait for one of the doctors to call back.

So we wait. Thank you to all of you who have come to check on us... and for those of you who have helped us out by donating to Emerald's relay page. She is almost to her new goal of $400.00. We will be taking donations until just before the relay if you would like to sponsor us, or to put your loved ones name on a luminera. Click on journal history for the link.

Thank you especially to my friends at the soap dish. What can I say? I need something and they bend over backwards to help. I needed soap scent and I have it. Emerald needs donations for relay for life and they appear. Cards, letters, books, crafts, SOAP (Emerald's favorite is chocolate)... These people are so wonderful, and I am honored to be one of them.

I will update again when I get the call.

Kimberly

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Friday, October 1, 2004 8:27 AM CDT

Good Morning Everyone!

Today is MRI day. Emerald's dad is taking her. I wish I could, but I have daycare children and no babysitter. She has to get a hep lock put in first. She is kind of mad I won't be there...

She is in school again today. She wore socks with 4 leaf clovers and horseshoes that say "good luck"... she got them from Amy Jo her companion at camp. Anything to help, right?

I have been trying to teach her visualization techniques... I just want the darn thing to go away.

Thank you to those that sponsored Emerald yesterday. It really means a lot. She has the most donations so far on her team. If you would like to donate just $5 to us, we will put the name of your loved one who has cancer, or has fought cancer on a luminera at the relay. Please, please consider doing this. If you donate $25.00 I will also send you a bar of soap, in any flavor you choose. You can help out by clicking HERE!!!! You can also mail your donation in check or MO to our address listed below. If you are in Michigan PLEASE consider joining our team. We need to get a few more team members so we can reach our goal. Right now we have 8. I know it sounds like a lot of effort. But think of the worry that Emerald has to go through, that all of us who have a loved one who has cancer goes through. If putting in this effort helps put a stop to cancer, any type of cancer, even if it saves just one person.... it is worth it. Someone doesn't have to go through the heartbreak. If you can't join my team because you are out of state, and you can't donate because money is tight, please consider collecting donations in honor of our team and send them to me. Send them to one of my team members websites. Please help make our team a success.

I have lots of lemonade soap now, ready to go out. If you would like to buy a few bars, please, now is a great time.

Kimberly & Emerald

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Thursday, September 30, 2004 8:35 AM CDT

Here is the morning report...

Emerald went back to school this morning. Yesterday her friend Trevor called to wonder where she has been... LOL She is feeling a lot better.

I went in to sign paperwork for her school to have PT/OT look at her. She is doing rather well at school, so I am not worried about that, in fact, she is doing rather well these days, aside from that tummy ache.

Thankfully, not much to report on that front. She is trying to collect donations for relay for life. She wanted to be a team member also. If you are interested in helping Emerald meet her goal... Help Emerald meet her goal!!!! That is the link to Emerald's personal page. We haven't set it up with her pictures yet, but would appreciate if you could donate even $5 to help her meet her goal.

Still working on soap orders.

Thanks!

Kimberly & Emerald

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Wednesday, September 29, 2004 9:03 AM CDT

Yesterday was a really rough day, tummy wise for Emerald. She seems like she feels a bit better today, but I kept her home just to be sure it doesn't come back.

Shawn took my car into the shop yesterday. It was making a popping noise in the front end when we went over bumps or turned the cornor. Hopefully, it will be done today, I have to drive Shawn's car. It is a 2 door and a manual transmission. As much as I complain about trying to fit all of us into a neon, a two door focus is much worse!!! LOL

I am keeping busy with soap orders. If you would like to order some lemonade soap, please email me or go to the site and pay with paypal. The last of the soap orders will be going out on Friday if all goes as planned.

MRI on Friday, please keep us in your prayers. Shrink, tumor, SHRINK... We are due for good news... I think...

Love,
Kimberly & Es

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Tuesday, September 28, 2004 7:32 AM CDT

Good morning.

Today is another day of staying home for Emerald. She still has a tummy ache. Just my uneducated guess, but I think that because she is losing weight and her chemo dose stays the same, she is just responding to it more. (I hope that makes sense.) Hopefully, this won't screw up her counts too much. Tummy aches we can handle, blood transfusions are another story. Although, they would take place in the BRAND NEW wing of Beaumont Hospital, which would be nice. Emerald and I hope we don't see it til it is old, but as she says, if we have to go, at least we will go in style!!!

Emerald got a package in the mail from her buddy, Cheyenne, yesterday. SHE LOVED IT. It is a green star with Emerald's name written on it with orange jewels, and sunflowers. And she wrote her a beautiful message that made me get all teary (I am getting teary thinking of it now!) Thanks Cheyenne, you know just when to send something to brighten Emerald's day. We have something for you, but I can't figure out how to send it yet... LOL I think I have a plan... look for it this week!

I have relay for life information in the last journal. If you click on journal history at the end of today's journal, you will find the link in there. If you donate $25 dollars to my website for relay for life, I will send you a bar of soap, any flavor... you get to help "clean up cancer" and you get to clean up yourself, too! What a deal! I appreciate everyone who has taken the time to join our team, Emerald's Gems. We now have 7 team members. PLEASE JOIN US!!!

It looks like rain today. Not a quick fast storm (which I like) but it looks like it will just be dreary and rainy... It hasn't started yet, but the sky looks like that.

I was telling the girls on one of my bulletin boards, that some days I feel like the parents in the movie Problem Child Where Mr Heely looks defeated and the house is trashed... That was my day yesterday with Anya. I swear the whole day is just damage control. I can't get anything accomplished and she wrecks anything I do. I had to steam clean the floor because she dumped her orange juice on the carpet. Then there was the chocolate milk that went everywhere... neither was on purpose. She washes her hands constantly, and has flooded my bathroom on more than one occasion. She dumped all that food into the fish tank (it only took a week to get cleaned up... LOL) She is smarter than me. I mean, she picks things up faster than I do, learning wise. Anyway... I am gearing up for another day like that today!!!

More packages out today. Should be more tomorrow. I am send them out as fast as I can. I appreciate your patience! If you haven't tried the bath bombs... they are great. One of Emerald's favorite things!

OK, enough for me today. Oh yes, I wanted to thank my mom for watching the kids last week. I keep meaning to write that in, but I keep forgetting. It makes my day go easier having you here. Thank you.

Kimberly & Emerald.

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Tuesday, September 28, 2004 7:32 AM CDT

Good morning.

Today is another day of staying home for Emerald. She still has a tummy ache. Just my uneducated guess, but I think that because she is losing weight and her chemo dose stays the same, she is just responding to it more. (I hope that makes sense.) Hopefully, this won't screw up her counts too much. Tummy aches we can handle, blood transfusions are another story. Although, they would take place in the BRAND NEW wing of Beaumont Hospital, which would be nice. Emerald and I hope we don't see it til it is old, but as she says, if we have to go, at least we will go in style!!!

Emerald got a package in the mail from her buddy, Cheyenne, yesterday. SHE LOVED IT. It is a green star with Emerald's name written on it with orange jewels, and sunflowers. And she wrote her a beautiful message that made me get all teary (I am getting teary thinking of it now!) Thanks Cheyenne, you know just when to send something to brighten Emerald's day. We have something for you, but I can't figure out how to send it yet... LOL I think I have a plan... look for it this week!

I have relay for life information in the last journal. If you click on journal history at the end of today's journal, you will find the link in there. If you donate $25 dollars to my website for relay for life, I will send you a bar of soap, any flavor... you get to help "clean up cancer" and you get to clean up yourself, too! What a deal! I appreciate everyone who has taken the time to join our team, Emerald's Gems. We now have 7 team members. PLEASE JOIN US!!!

It looks like rain today. Not a quick fast storm (which I like) but it looks like it will just be dreary and rainy... It hasn't started yet, but the sky looks like that.

I was telling the girls on one of my bulletin boards, that some days I feel like the parents in the movie Problem Child Where Mr Heely looks defeated and the house is trashed... That was my day yesterday with Anya. I swear the whole day is just damage control. I can't get anything accomplished and she wrecks anything I do. I had to steam clean the floor because she dumped her orange juice on the carpet. Then there was the chocolate milk that went everywhere... neither was on purpose. She washes her hands constantly, and has flooded my bathroom on more than one occasion. She dumped all that food into the fish tank (it only took a week to get cleaned up... LOL) She is smarter than me. I mean, she picks things up faster than I do, learning wise. Anyway... I am gearing up for another day like that today!!!

More packages out today. Should be more tomorrow. I am send them out as fast as I can. I appreciate your patience! If you haven't tried the bath bombs... they are great. One of Emerald's favorite things!

OK, enough for me today. Oh yes, I wanted to thank my mom for watching the kids last week. I keep meaning to write that in, but I keep forgetting. It makes my day go easier having you here. Thank you.

Kimberly & Emerald.

Well, that is it!

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Monday, September 27, 2004 8:23 AM CDT

Emerald is having tummy troubles. Normal with her chemotherapy. She ALMOST made it to school today, but we decided to let her stay home because of her stomach ache.

I have so many things to do today, I keep trying to keep busy, it keeps me from thinking about the MRI on Friday. Emerald is worried only because she hates getting poked. The MRI shouldn't be too long this time because they don't have to do a without contrast scan, only the with contrast part... as we know what it looks like without contrast... LOL

Yesterday, for the first time since she was sick, she went to a friend's house to play. A boys house to be specific. I swear since Kindergarten she has always paired up with a blond boy. Getting cancer has not stopped that from happening. He is a great kid and very kind to Emerald, he plays with her every day at lunch. He was begging me to send her to the same Jr. High next year, lol.

If you would like a pediatric cancer awareness ribbon with Emerald Gems... please send us a self addressed stamped envelope to

Emerald Maes Ribbons
43435 Park Drive East
Clinton Twp., MI 48036

I only ask that you refer people to our story to help raise awareness or to help sponsor our relay for life... at least until November. The link is HERE! And we would really appreciate any referrals.

Well, my house is a disaster,and the kids are still sleeping, so I better get cleaning before they wake up and disrupt my groove... LOL Ok, to be honest.. the groove hasn't even begun. I have to finish some orders. If you haven't gotten your order yet. It will be going out this week.

Anxiously waiting for more orders!

Thanks,
Kimberly & Emerald.

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Saturday, September 25, 2004 3:22 PM CDT

Hi! Emerald started chemo last night. She hasn't been sick all day, so far so good.

Her friend Trevor came over this morning and they played games all morning. He is a real sweet heart. He was shocked to find out that red isn't Emerald's natural hair color... LOL

If you ordered soap, I should have most of the orders out by the end of this week, sorry it has taken a while for a few, I didn't realize I didn't have somethings in stock, but I am almost caught up on them.

Keep the lemonade orders coming... I appreciate the sales and it is for a wonderful cause. In the guestbook a couple people have written about the soaps and bathbombs... I am soooo glad they like them.

Kimberly & Emerald

PS, Emerald and I are making gold ribbons with emerald gems on them. We will be giving them away to those who send a stamped self addressed envelope to our address... (listed on this page) If you could please wear them and when people ask about them, refer them to our relay for life page (link is above) I would appreciate it. I figure it is a good way to raise awareness for childhood cancers and Emerald's story.

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Thursday, September 23, 2004 7:32 PM CDT

Hi! Emerald had a neurologist appointment yesterday, he said that aside from the tumor and spinal cord injury, she is the picture of health... Great. I mean it is great that she is healthy otherwise, gives her more energy to fight, it just makes me sad at the same time. He upped her baclofen, because during the night she starts twitching sometimes, so I am giving her a bigger dose. Still working real well for her otherwise.

Today she had an oncology appointment and she had great counts once again. Her white blood count is a little low, but still OK. Her weight is down to 89 lbs. She was a lot more in may, like 130 or so. Her hair seems to have stopped shedding for the moment. She left her wheelchair at school on purpose and can walk a really far distance (with rests) now. It is great to see her doing so much.

Happy Birthday to our friend, Cheyenne, her link is down below. Stop by and wish her a happy day.

I have pictures of some soap I made. I hope you like them!









As of today, we have sold 53 bars of Lemonade Soap, I have one person who is using them as an incentive for a donation to Light the Night. I hope she gets lots of donations, so I can sell her lots of soap!!! LOL

Hope you have a good night...

Kimberly & Es

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Tuesday, September 21, 2004 8:22 AM CDT

Good Morning.

I really appreciated the guestbook entries. Emerald and I love to read them.

Emerald is doing well. She hasn't been sick yesterday or this morning, so that is a good thing. School is going well.

We bought fish for her fish tank. She got some kind of tetras, they have blue fins (in the right light) and are kind of big, and two black mollies. The girl molly... "Molly" had babies. We weren't expecting her to have them so fast, and by now they are probably eaten by the other fish, but we can't tell because Anya decided to help us out and dropped a 1/4 of the fish food into the fish tank... the water is really cloudy now, I have been trying to clean it up...

Aside from that, we have been just watching our giggly little boy walk around. if I could find my camera, I would post a link to him walking but I can't find the darn thing at the moment. Maybe it is because the house is covered in soap.

I have sold 40 bars of soap so far. If you would like to order, please order now. Some of the soap I have made has come out so beautiful. I am so proud of myself. Nothing quite as nice as the ham and cheese soap, but... you know, it would be hard to top that one!

We ran into Emerald's friend Emily at the zoo on Sunday, it was great talking to Emily's mom. Emily is so cute! I hope they also had a good time. We went to the zoo specifically for the make a wish party and to ride the train... we did both, so it was a success. (When you have 4 kids with you, you learn to appreciate those little things!)

After the zoo, we went to Motts Children's Hospital and met our friends Becky and Liam, and Manda for a balloon release in honor of sweet Allie Scott. It was beautiful and Becky and I are really were glad that Manda put this together for us to all share. Of course the solemnity was broken by my screaming children and Ian's poopy diaper woes... but if Allie was watching, I am certain she was giggling at it all.

Well, I need to get moving this morning, thanks for checking Emerald. She is still doing well... please pray for improvement in her MRI on October 1st. Pray that Cheyenne continues to improve. And say a special prayer for all the parents who have lost children this year. I think of them often... sadly, there are many.

Hugs,
Kimberly & Miss Em

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Sunday, September 19, 2004 9:35 AM CDT

Hi, just a quickie update. Emerald and Anya are taking a bubble bath, something they enjoyed doing before Emerald got sick. I remember her last bubble bath, it wasn't very enjoyable. She got into the tub because she was in such pain. This was January 28th. She was crying when it came time to get out because her neck hurt, she couldn't use her arm and she didn't know what was wrong with herself. I remember being very upset the rest of the day and I told Shawn when he got home that I couldn't wait until March 8th to get a neurologists opinion, it was just too far away. So I took her to the ER. Anyway, now things have come around and Emerald is doing all the things she likes to do again, well most things, and with more effort, but I think things are going to continue to get better for her, for a while.

Anyway, today we are going to the zoo, they are having a Make A Wish birthday party and I would like to go. Then I am meeting some friends in Ann Arbor for a balloon launch for Allie Scott. I hope to get some pictures, I am horrid at remembering to take pictures. I like to live in the moment, and if I have to stop to take pictures, well, that requires planning... lol I will try.

The Light the Night Walk went really well. We met up with my friend Kris, and her family. She has the cutest kids... They all seem nice (the family) and share her wonderful sense of humor! There were clowns and free food from outback, and panera, and a raffle (and thanks to Kris and her mom, I WON a gift certificate to Mocormick & Schmicks at Somerset for Lunch... way cool, and THANKS!)

OK, I am going to be adding a relay for life link to this page. I would appreciate if you would pass the link onto your friends. If you would like to sign up and be a team member I would appreciate it. I would really like to meet our goal. There are so many kids I could do the relay for... way too many to list. So many have touched our hearts. So we are doing it in honor of ALL children. May we irradicate cancer.

Next I am going to post a poem for those who are my brothers and sisters in this cancer journey, this was posted by someone on my babycenter birthclub, in honor of all of you.

Thoughts of a Mom
By Maureen K. Higgins

Many of you I have never even met face to face, but I've searched you out every day. I've looked for you on the Internet, on playgrounds and in grocery stores. I've become an expert at identifying you. You are well worn. You are stronger than you ever wanted to be. Your words ring experience, experience you culled with your very heart and soul. You are compassionate beyond the expectations of this world. You are my "sisters."

Yes, you and I, my friend, are sisters in a sorority. A very elite sorority.We are special. Just like any other sorority, we were chosen to be members. Some of us were invited to join immediately, some not for months or even years. Some of us even tried to refuse membership, but to no avail.

We were initiated in neurologist's offices and NICU units, in obstetrician's offices, in emergency rooms, and during ultrasounds. We were initiated with somber telephone calls, consultations, evaluations, blood tests, x-rays, MRI films, and heart surgeries.

All of us have one thing in common. One day things were fine. We were pregnant, or we had just given birth, or we were nursing our newborn, or we were playing with our toddler. Yes, one minute everything was fine. Then, whether it happened in an instant, as it often does, or over the course of a few weeks or months, our entire lives changed. Something wasn't quite right. Then we found ourselves mothers of children with special needs.

We are united, we sisters, regardless of the diversity of our children's special needs. Some of our children undergo chemotherapy. Some need respirators and ventilators. Some are unable to talk, some are unable to walk. Some eat
through feeding tubes. Some live in a different world.

We do not discriminate against those mothers whose children's needs are not as "special" as our child's. We have mutual respect and empathy for all the women who walk in our shoes.

We are knowledgeable. We have educated ourselves with whatever materials we could find. We know "the" specialists in the field. We know "the" neurologists, "the"hospitals, "the" wonder drugs, "the" treatments. We know "the" tests that need to be done, we know "the" degenerative and progressive diseases and we hold our breath while our children are tested for them. Without formal education, we could become board certified in neurology, endocrinology, and psychiatry.

We have taken on our insurance companies and school boards to get what our children need to survive, and to flourish. We have prevailed upon the State to include augmentative communication devices in special education classes and mainstream schools for our children with cerebral palsy. We have labored to prove to insurance companies the medical necessity of gait trainers and other adaptive equipment for our children with spinal cord defects. We have sued municipalities to have our children properly classified so they could receive education and evaluation commensurate with their diagnosis.

We have learned to deal with the rest of the world, even if that means walking away from it.

We have tolerated scorn in supermarkets during "tantrums" and gritted our teeth while discipline was advocated by the person behind us on line.

We have tolerated inane suggestions and home remedies from well-meaning strangers.

We have tolerated mothers of children without special needs complaining about chicken pox and ear infections.

We have learned that many of our closest friends can't understand what it's like to be in our sorority, and don't even want to try.

We have our own personal copies of Emily Perl Kingsley's "A Trip To Holland" and Erma Bombeck's "The Special Mother." We keep them by our bedside and read and reread them during our toughest hours.

We have coped with holidays. We have found ways to get our physically handicapped children to the neighbors' front doors on Halloween, and we have found ways to help our deaf children form the words, "trick or treat." We have accepted that our children with sensory dysfunction will never wear velvet or lace on Christmas. We have painted a canvas of lights and a blazing Yule log with our words for our blind children. We have pureed turkey on Thanksgiving. We have bought white chocolate bunnies for Easter. And all the while, we have tried to create a festive atmosphere for the rest of our family.

We've gotten up every morning since our journey began wondering how we'd make it through another day, and gone to bed every evening not sure how we did it.

We've mourned the fact that we never got to relax and sip red wine in Italy.
We've mourned the fact that our trip to Holland has required much more baggage than we ever imagined when we first visited the travel agent. And we've mourned because we left for the airport without most of the things we needed for the trip.

But we, sisters, we keep the faith always. We never stop believing. Our love for our special children and our belief in all that they will achieve in life knows no bounds. We dream of them scoring touchdowns and extra points and home runs. We visualize them running sprints and marathons. We dream of them planting vegetable seeds, riding horses and chopping down trees. We hear their angelic voices singing Christmas carols. We see their palettes smeared with watercolors, and their fingers flying over ivory keys in a concert hall. We are amazed at the grace of their pirouettes. We never, never stop believing in all they will accomplish as they pass through this world.

But in the meantime, my sisters, the most important thing we do, is hold tight to their little hands as together, we special mothers and our special children, reach for the stars.

Yours,
Kimberly and Emerald

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Friday, September 17, 2004 3:59 PM CDT

Emerald and I are off to Light the Night with a walk in Royal Oak in a few minutes.

I just wanted to say thanks to those who sponsored us to make our efforts worthwhile!

I probably haven't mentioned this yet, but Emerald's hair has been thinning. In some spots it is pretty thin, but she still has enough to hold her cute style.

She has also been sick to her stomach the last few mornings, this morning she actually threw up, but felt better the rest of the day. Not certain what is causing that, but I guess we will see on the first. Because she is doing so well, people are quick to say they are hopeful. Honestly, I know my kid. I am hoping that there is some shrinkage, but won't be surprised if there isn't. She does well despite the tumor, in my opinion. Sometimes, I find it amazing what she does, like yesterday for instance...

This morning I dropped her off at school and Ms. Singer (her aide) said that some friends helped Emerald climb the jungle gym yesterday, they helped her down, too. I guess it shouldn't surprise me, she is aMAESing... get it?? LOL For those that don't... that is our last name.

Speaking of Maes. A new Maes moved into our town today. Rene Maes, yep, now Emerald's Daddy is right down the road and can visit whenever he pleases, or Emerald wants him to visit. Isn't that great? I also spoke with Make A Wish and they are working on our trip for December 8-14.

OK, that is it, just waiting for Shawn to get here so I can leave...

Love,
Kimberly & Emerald

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Thursday, September 16, 2004 9:51 PM CDT

Hi, just a quick update this evening. Emerald and I have reached our goals.

Another team member, Kris, who has been very good to us, is also trying to raise money. Today is the last day for us to raise money, so if you would like to donate, PLEASE donate to this wonderful cause!

Kris' Light the Night Page, help her reach her goal!!

Emerald had another GREAT day! Tomorrow night we are doing the walk and are very excited about it. I made another 3 batches of soap today!

Pink Grapefruit
Rice Flower and Shea
Wake Me Up (Orange/Spearmint Blend)

I also have
Peppermint Lavender Tea Tree
Lavender Eucalyptus
Lime Coconut

I am making tomorrow..
Pumpkin Pie
Blackberry Sage
Ginger Souffle...maybe or maybe Sunflower...

Emerald really wants a chocolate soap, so maybe one of those as well.

This week, I have sold 10 bars of Lemonade Stand Soap. If you would like to order, now is the time! If you do not paypal, feel free to email me your order, and I will send you a total, you can send me a check, and I will ship as soon as I recieve your check.

Please pray for shrinkage on Emerald's next MRI, it is only a week away!

Thanks to everyone who has supported our LTN efforts, we really appreciate it!

Thanks,
Kimberly & Emerald

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Thursday, September 16, 2004 10:53 AM CDT

Hi! Well, I am delighted to announce that I did it! I reached the $1000 mark.

Emerald has set a modest goal of $100.00 for herself. Reaching that goal will allow her to get a balloon and a T-shirt.

You can help her by clicking HERE!

We appreciate everyone who has taken the time to donate.

I also would like to thank those that have bought soap. I have orders for another 10 bars. Luckily, I have 70 bars curing, and will be making more, so I am more prepared this time. Thank for supporting pediatric cancer research, and my soap addiction. It is a wonderful way for me to keep busy doing something I love, and allowing me to do something to help stop cancer.

Emerald has been having such great days. Her attitude is wonderful and I am so proud of her. 2 weeks until her next MRI. Pray for Shrinkage.

If you haven't seen Emerald's new pictures (and pictures of the rest of us!) There is a link to her album in the journal history for yesterday. The pictures allow you to leave comments, so if you like one or have a comment about it, please feel free to leave a comment by clicking on the picture and looking near the bottom of the picture for the link to add a comment. We love reading what you think about our pictures. Emerald hasn't seen them yet. She has had a lot of homework.. she was up until 11 pm doing it last night, so please leave comments for her to read!

Thanks and I hope everyone has a wonderful day.

Kimberly & Es

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Wednesday, September 15, 2004 8:30 AM CDT

So far I have raised (with the help of many, many kind hearts) $795.00 I am only $205 away from meeting my goal. I was doubtful that I might meet the goal this morning, but I have a renewed spirit.. please donate even $5.00 to this cause. I appreciate it!

Good morning! So far, we have raised $380.00. Thanks to everyone who has donated, so far. Today is Wednesday already, and I only have two days to attempt to at least reach half my goal of $1000.

If you would like to donate, please click HERE ! We appreciate it and it is a wonderful cause.

I posted a two new pictures in the caringbridge photo album if anyone is interested. I also received the pictures from our photoshoot with Shelley's Photography. You can find the pictures of Emerald by clicking HERE ! I particularly like the ones with Emerald and her dad. Let us know what you think!

School is going well for Emerald, and her twitch is mostly under control now. I hope it stays that way! We plan to get some fish in the next day or two for her new fish tank. She is very excited.

Thanks for checking on us! Please leave us a message in our guestbook. Please also keep in your prayers, Jenny and Andrew as they live life with Allie in their heart instead of their arms.

Love,
Kimberly & Es

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Tuesday, September 14, 2004 7:10 AM CDT

Allie Scott became an angel last night at 11:05 pm. Please pray for Allie's family as they begin their journey without Allie.

Please donate to the Light the Night Walk we are doing for Allie, the money goes to research for Blood Cancers like leukemia. Even $5.00 pooled together with others can make a huge impact. So far $260.00, has been raised by Emerald and myself.

Donate here to help keep another parent from going through this horror.

No updates on Emerald, I am getting ready to take her to her school.

Thanks for checking in on us.

I am now 33 percent to my goal, thanks to those who donated! Your caring hearts are what makes this sad day a little brighter.

I am going to upload a few pictures into the photoalbum here on caring bridge... so take a peek later!

Kimberly & Emerald

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Monday, September 13, 2004 12:49 AM CDT

Hi everyone.

Our friend Allie looks like she is starting to unfold her angel wings. I am very sad. She was diagnosed with leukemia after Emerald was diagnosed and is passing before her. It just isn't fair. I feel so helpless when a child is lost to cancer, I am sure we all do.

Please pray for a peaceful passing for Allie, and for her parents. Allie's Site

If you haven't taken the time to help support us in the light the night walk, I would appreciate if you did. We plan to walk on Friday night and we are on Allie's Angels team.

Help support research for blood cancers...

Emerald slept well her bed last night. I am so proud of her. She makes me a better mom.

Thank you for your prayers for our friends and for Emerald. We appreciate it.

I am making more soap today, please feel free to purchase some, you get to try some wonderful handmade soap, I get to do something that helps me feel less helpless and we all raise money to help pediatric cancer research. We all win!

Thanks,
Kimberly & Es.

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Sunday, September 12, 2004 4:59 PM CDT

Hi, and happy Sunday! I am 21 percent to my goal... that means so far I have $210.00. I only have until Friday night to earn the money for the walk. Please considering donating, even just $5.00... it helps me reach my goal, and better still, will help support research for those battling blood cancers, like leukemia!

Help Emerald & her mom raise money for their walk on Friday!!

Thank you for the prayers for our friends, we appreciate it greatly. I really enjoy the little stories and thoughts for Emerald in the guestbook. Emerald likes jokes, so if you have one you want to share, please share it.

She had a really good weekend. She was just dancing in the kitchen next to me a bit ago. It is amazing how far she has come suddenly. Last night, we went to see my friend Frances for her birthday and she didn't just sit in one spot waiting for us to do things for her, she got up and played with the kids. IT MAKES MY SO HAPPY to see her up and doing things. Sometimes it is still hard for her, but getting better every day.

She and I cleaned her room today... Good Grief it was messy. I got rid of a bunch of too big and too little clothes... she has been so many sizes this year... but I didn't have enough space for everything. So now everything fits... (phew!) It was lots of work! She also is able to get into the bottom bed on her bed. She couldn't before, but she tried today and starting tonight she is going to sleep in there. We put her fish tank, that she got for Christmas up finally. A couple more days and we might be able to put fish in it!!! LOL

I am very excited that she can do so much. She is working so hard. I am so glad she doesn't seem depressed anymore. She is concerned for her friend, Cheyenne. I have almost all my orders done, and am finishing up the soap I have to make in the morning... I sent emails for those whose orders have shipped. The others are just waiting for the soap to be ready, and then they can go. If you would like to order some lemonade soap, please feel free to do so.

Thanks for checking on us!

Love,
Kimberly & Es the amazing

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Saturday, September 11, 2004 7:58 AM CDT

Hi everyone!

By this morning I have raised already $185.00 for the light the night walk next Friday! And by yesterday I have sold 28 bars of soap!!!! I already have to make more!

The link for the light the night walk to give an online donation is below.
Pledge $5.00 to help Emerald and Kimberly Light the Night!

I also am doing relay for life. If you are from the Metro Detroit Area, please join me and Emerald on our Relay for life team, called Emerald's Gems.
Join or Sponsor Emerald's Gems!!!

Thank you for the prayers for Cheyenne. She finally came out of her sleep yesterday. She seems to be doing well, and is dealing with the rehab that comes with brain surgery. She is a very independent kid, I have high hopes that she will bounce back fairly quickly. We are praying for you, Cheyenne!

Please help Jenny and Andrew celebrate Allie's life. You can read about their story by clicking here. Please also pray that when the time comes, that Allie has a peaceful passing into the world of Angels and that her parents find peace.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

OK, now about Emerald. She is still sleeping this morning. No twitch. She looks really comfortable. She fell at school yesterday, she was trying to go fast and tripped over someone's foot. Her aide called me feeling all guilty that she didn't make her stay behind all the kids... but I don't feel like it is her fault. I want Emerald to work towards normalcy, I want her to push her own limits. And if that means she falls a few times, then so be it. Of course, her spine is still unstable, but as long as she kind of catches herself she should be fine.

Anyway, I am so proud of her. I almost never have to help her in the bathroom anymore. She doesn't rely on me to do everything for her anymore. She tries, if she can't get it, she calls me, or one of the other kids or Shawn to help her out. It is wonderful. She can go futher, stand longer, and do more each day.

Please pray for tumor shrinkage!!!

Ian cut his first tooth yesterday, I think the other one is coming in, also. The poor kid is miserable.

Anya, the crazy naked girl, is fine!

Thanks for looking and please leave us a message, or donate even a buck to help us raise money! (PUHLEEEEESSE???)

Love,
Kimberly & Es.

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Friday, September 10, 2004 8:28 AM CDT

For the next week, I am going to start the post with the donation page to my light the night walk for Allie Scott. I urge you to PLEASE sponser me, so I can meet my goal of $1000.00. I only have a week to accomplish this goal, and it will be difficult, but I know many people with HUGE hearts and I hope you will take a minute to even donate $5.00.

I hope no one gets put off by my sudden give to charity attitude. I always had that attitude. I always felt I needed to do something to help someone... but nothing felt right. Now, I have a vested interest in find a cure for cancer. CANCER SUCKS. It has forever changed my life, and millions of others like me. I feel the need to do something about it. Even if a cure doesn't come in time for Emerald, for Allie, for any of our friends, I want someday for parents to find out their kid has cancer, and the doctor to say... BUT, we can fix it. I don't want any parent to have to feel the numbness that comes with finding out your child only has a 105hance at a long term survival. It sucks.

I donated $25.00, it takes me a whole day of watching a child to earn $25.00. Emerald also is donating $10.00 into the account and would like to be able to help. Please help us reach this goal.

I fixed this link!

Donate for Kimberly and Emerald to Light the Night



Our friend Cheyenne, URGENTLY needs your prayers, she still isn't awake from her surgery yesterday.


Emerald is off to school. She really looks forward to going, it makes me so happy. I miss her, but I know this is a wonderful thing for her. It makes her feel like herself. She is still the same bright, funny, thoughtful young lady she was growing to be, and now she is back in school, she sees that she still is, too. For the time being she is doing well health wise. I am still very anxious about this upcoming MRI.

Well, I have much to do today. I really need to work on my website. I want to be able to sell lots of this lemonade soap, and I think having a professional looking webpage is part of the key to that happening.

We have now sold 18 bars of soap, with orders for 3 more bars. Thanks for buying our soap! Thanks to those you bought more than the lemonade soap, and helped to support our family. I appreciate it so much.

Kimberly & Es.

PS, I have no idea what is up with the guestbook, when I go there, I can't see the messages unless I highlight them all.... LOL

Kris, I would love to walk with you on the 27th!

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Thursday, September 9, 2004 10:21 PM CDT

Emerald had another wonderful count today.

She has been so much more active, so much happier, her quality of life has really improved. It makes me happy. She had a wonderful day at school.

I signed up to do a light the night walk on September 17th. My personal goal to get donations is $1000.00, I am waiting for my packet to come in the mail, but if anyone is interested in donating, please email me. emislema@yahoo.com I am doing this in honor of little Allie, her link is below, just click on her picture.

Cheyenne made it through her surgery, I am waiting to hear any more news.

Our friend Nichole got some bad news, after saying her MRI was stable, they now say that it shows a bit of enhancement or what they think is tumor growth, not only in her spinal cord, but her brain as well. Please keep her and our friend Joyce in your prayers.

That is all for tonight. Thank you for those who have signed our guestbook, it is very much appreciated. We love to read the messages.

Kimberly & Es.

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Wednesday, September 8, 2004 11:15 PM CDT

Our friend Cheyenne is having brain surgery tomorrow, to relieve the pressure her tumor is causing. Please keep her in your prayers. Also, remember our friend Allie, and her parents, Jenny and Andrew, they have stopped treatment and are only giving comfort measures. I feel so sad for them. Allie will live in our hearts forever regardless of this outcome.

Ian walked a lot today. He will take a few steps, pause and take some more. Then he falls at my feet giggling. What a joy he is! While I rejoice in Ian, I always have Allie in the back of my mind. I hug him a little tighter and play a little longer thanks to my new understanding of how fragile life is.

I also made 3 more batches of soap today. I have several orders I am working on, and they are slowly coming in. The girls on my soap board and a few here, have made me feel like a creative genius with this soap creation. My mil, Sheila and my sister Keri helped to inspire the look.

Anya has been learning sign language, she is gathering quite the vocabulary. It is funny to see her signing... she is getting better with her speak, also. I understand her at least... LOL Tonight, Shawn asked her if she wanted to watch Dora in the bedroom, and she looked at me and said, "I'll be back." We all started laughing. She has this evil little twinkle in her eye. LOL She is really smart and funny. My favorite thing about Anya is that her eyes smile and have that twinkle. It makes me smile.

Emerald had another great day in school. Tomorrow is blood count day, hopefully things go well. They seem to be fine, so I am hopeful.

Please leave us a message in the guest book. The counter will go up like 500 in one day and there will be two messages or something that day. Please take a minute and say hello. Even if you are a stranger and even if you have posted a million times. Emerald had a good time reading all the messages today.

I hope tomorrow is a good day.

Love,
Kimberly & Miss Es.

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Wednesday, September 8, 2004 11:15 PM CDT

Our friend Cheyenne is having brain surgery tomorrow, to relieve the pressure her tumor is causing. Please keep her in your prayers. Also, remember our friend Allie, and her parents, Jenny and Andrew, they have stopped treatment and are only giving comfort measures. I feel so sad for them. Allie will live in our hearts forever regardless of this outcome.

Ian walked a lot today. He will take a few steps, pause and take some more. Then he falls at my feet giggling. What a joy he is! While I rejoice in Ian, I always have Allie in the back of my mind. I hug him a little tighter and play a little longer thanks to my new understanding of how fragile life is.

I also made 3 more batches of soap today. I have several orders I am working on, and they are slowly coming in. The girls on my soap board and a few here, have made me feel like a creative genius with this soap creation. My mil, Sheila and my sister Keri helped to inspire the look.

Anya has been learning sign language, she is gathering quite the vocabulary. It is funny to see her signing... she is getting better with her speak, also. I understand her at least... LOL Tonight, Shawn asked her if she wanted to watch Dora in the bedroom, and she looked at me and said, "I'll be back." We all started laughing. She has this evil little twinkle in her eye. LOL She is really smart and funny. My favorite thing about Anya is that her eyes smile and have that twinkle. It makes me smile.

Emerald had another great day in school. Tomorrow is blood count day, hopefully things go well. They seem to be fine, so I am hopeful.

Please leave us a message in the guest book. The counter will go up like 500 in one day and there will be two messages or something that day. Please take a minute and say hello. Even if you are a stranger and even if you have posted a million times. Emerald had a good time reading all the messages today.

I hope tomorrow is a good day.

Love,
Kimberly & Miss Es.

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Wednesday, September 8, 2004 7:13 AM CDT

I wanted to update about our friend Allie. She is very, very sick right now. Her mom and dad are by her side every moment. Allie has touch so many lives. Andrew and Jenny have been so brave and graceful and strong. They are inspiration to everyone. She and Ian are the same age, while my Ian is taking steps and learning new words, Allie is in the hospital fighting for her life. It is just so damn unfair.

This is clearly a soap making day for me. Although, I don't know how I will see the recipe through my tears...

I am so tired of cancer. I am so tired of watching bright, young children fight off this beast with every ounce of their being. So tired of watching the people I have come to know as my friends recieve horrid news, and watch them be strong for those kids and know they are crying in the shower. It sucks.

Please keep Allie and her family, in your prayers. Also, our friend Cheyenne... She was doing well until recently, I would like to see her doing all the fun things she can. She has tremendous faith and courage, one of the shining stars.

Good morning.

Emerald had a great day at school yesterday, her eyes were so bright when she got home, the kids were nice to her, and couldn't wait to meet her, due to the excellent fore planning by the staff at Carkenord Elementary. I am very happy.

I did notice that Emerald cannot lift up her arm to the 90 degrees she could just a few weeks ago. She has no other pain. It may be due to the Baclofen, which relaxes your muscles. Because that arm is already so weak, you can feel the muscles moving, just can't lift it up, I think it is all the harder with the muscle relaxer.

Ian took 4 really steady steps yesterday. It is really cute to watch him. I had something else, but I can't remember.

We have sold 18 bars of lemonade soap so far.

I will update again later, if I think of what I was going to say! LOL

Kimberly & Es

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Monday, September 6, 2004 8:38 PM CDT

Well, we are back!!!

The weather was lovely! We rented an Explorer so all our stuff fit into the car and Emerald wasn't stuck in the back seat of the focus! Kind of nice!

Saturday, we left and the drive was nice and went off without a hitch. We got there and because it has been cool in the upper part of Michigan this summer, when the air heated up this weekend, it caused fog on the lake, so we got a room with a view of Mackinac Island, but couldn't see it!!! LOL There was a water park kind of place there with a 25 person jucuzzi... (a very warm pool if you are a 10 year old!) So the kids had a great time doing that.

Sunday, we went to Mackinac Island. We first stopped at the Butterfly House where butterflies were landing on Emerald's head. After that, Shawn wanted to see Arch rock. Es and I were hungry, but decided we would go see the rock first. So he has the double stroller, and I have the wheelchair... (and let me point out that I have asthma and am fat and out of shape after having babies...) so off we went, up the hill. And up some more... and still more. About 45 minutes of walking UP we were finally there. We took a picture and we left.

We started going back. Of course, we found a MUCH shorter route to take on the way back. MUCH shorter... and DOWNhill. (sigh) My calves still hurt. We go back into town and get lunch. We decided to take a carriage ride. It was about $45.00. Usually, you get on the carriage and you stop at the other Butterfly House (which is what Emerald and I wanted to do) and at the fort (Which we all wanted to see) and then to Arch Rock. WEEELLL... as luck would have it, or should that read our horrid sense of timing. We got the LAST carriage ride of the day. So our wonderful guide took us on a tour of... the EXACT SAME ROUTE we walked to see the rock, and we stopped at the rock and got to take a picture. We didn't get to see the other things. LOL We are still laughing about it.

Anyway, after that, we did a bit more shopping... everything was closing, and we took the boat back. Then the kids went swimming again.

This morning, we THOUGHT we were going to go to Tahquamanon Falls. This is the second largest falls on this side of the Mississippi... for those that don't know! Anyway, so we get up this morning and there are people CRAWLING all over the place. Now, I expected there to be a lot of people, but this was totally over the top. We had planned to get pumpkin pancakes (yum) at this restaurant... we were all looking forward to it. We pack up the car and head down there. Turns out that the bridge walk was today. The only day of the year you can walk 5 miles over the Mackinac Bridge. (Ugh) So the place we were planning to go to was packed and we weren't waiting. The bridge is backed up, so we decided to come back home. About 40 miles into the ride back, and just as we were planning to stop to eat, I realize that I left my favorite pillows on the bed at the hotel. So Shawn (did I mention how wonderful he is, lately?) Drives back to get them. He started singing... (to the tune of Paradise City by Guns n Roses) "Take me back to Mackinaw City, where I left my pillows with the cases so pretty..."

Emerald had a fun time, we laughed in the car most of the ride and I am glad we went. Although, next year (we plan to go back) we are going to go for a week... probably the week before or after she goes to camp, because we will already be up there.... we also know not to go the weekend of Labor Day... We won't be walking the bridge.

When the lady asked me if we were walking the bridge, I looked at her and said..."is it FOR something?" She just laughed. I guess this is a huge deal! LOL And no, it isn't for something. LOL

Emerald is supposed to start school tomorrow. I am nervous.

Please keep Cheyenne and Allie in your prayers. They are both in need of miracles. Sofie had an MRI on Saturday and is starting school as well... keep her in your prayers as well. Sarah's family is in Florida, so we know that they are having hurricane issues. And Ray Anne's family moved to Oregon, but they are finally posting again, and things seem OK right now.

Thank you to everyone who has bought soap! Just wonderful!

Kimberly & Es

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Friday, September 3, 2004 10:19 AM CDT

Hi, I just wanted to quick update...

We will be gone Saturday through Monday, so don't panic if I don't respond to email or post.

I also would like everyone to keep our friend Cheyenne in your prayers. She is very sick right now. They did an MRI and the MRI showed swelling, not tumor growth. So they started her on some meds to make her feel better. Please pray that she starts feeling better quickly. Emerald really wants you to think and pray for her friend as well.

Her site is listed below, it is the first one.

I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday.

Love,
Kimberly & Es.

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Thursday, September 2, 2004 4:03 PM CDT

For those that were asking the soap for cancer research is in the journal history. All profit will be donated to Alex's Lemonade Stand. Feel free to order now, just say that you want that particular scent. Please be aware that if you order that scent now, it may take 2 weeks before I get it out (soap has a 4 week cure).

OK, I have been looking at Emerald's twitch, the baclofen has significantly reduced it. It still shows up sometimes, after much thought, I can describe it kind of like a hiccup. In fact, she says it even feels like a hiccup. That is because where she would have damage in her spinal cord affects her diaphram. Sometimes she can hold her breath and make it go away. We are working on trying different hiccup rememdies, so she can try to take care of it before they get annoying.

She has an MRI scheduled October 1st, at 3:30PM. Please pray for her. We need shrinkage.

Also, she has been gaining back more independence... it is great to watch, so exciting. Of course, I feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop, afraid to be happy about it, because so far this has been really the only big gain...

I think that is it for today. Thanks to everyone who has supported cancer research and/or our family by buying soap!

Kimberly & Es

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Tuesday, August 31, 2004 9:19 PM CDT

I don't have time to post a new journal... Mr. Ian is throwing a huge fit... so I have the picture... Yes, up before December... LOL :) Opinions, welcome.



Hi everyone. OK, update on Emerald's twitch. The every 8 hour thing wasn't working... it was wearing off around 7, so I decided to give it to her every 6. Now she hasn't twitched since 10 am this morning... of course, I did this without asking the doctor. But how I understand it, he doesn't know exactly what is going to work either. I figured, if he said I can go 8, and I know that correct dosing is 6-8 hours, then I should be able to do it... I can almost guarentee they would have me do the same. Of course, this means that I have to get up at 4:30 AM to give the medicine to her, but it is worth it if she isn't twitching and scaring the poo out of me.

Tonight is her last night of chemo. She has done so well, this cycle. She also did the WHOLE potty routine herself, HUGE step for her. She said I was mean for making her try, but I think she is proud of herself for not giving up. I am proud of her for that.

The school called and she starts school on Sept 7th. They hired someone yesterday, so she will have an aide at the school all day while she is there. She is nervous. It is a new school, but I think it will be good for her to get back into the swing of life.

My class started this evening and boy this should be pretty embarrassing... but fun, and help me toward getting my degree. It is music and movement for children. I wish I could have taken more classes but it is impossible. Ian cried the whole time I was gone. Gosh, he must love me.... LOL He stopped crying as soon as I got home. Anyway, the class is filled with people about my age or older and they make us get up and do songs and stuff that we would do with the kids in a childcare setting. As you can imagine, it looks very silly, but I figure we all feel that way, so it doesn't bother me so much. Next Tuesday, we get to play with THE PARACHUTE... how cool is that?

I know I promised a picture tonight... it will have to be tomorrow. I spent too much time today working on the label and now I have to print it up. My schedule has also changed and I pick up a child from school now, and starting next week drop off Emerald every day. So much for my quiet mornings! The soap has come out really cute. I will tell you what I decided to do. It is round and yellow. On the outer edge I put yellow gold mica and then I cut the circle in half. I am making a yellow label and will hot glue one leaf on each one, (they will be shrink wrapped)... so it looks like a lemon. Looks very cute so far.

Thank you to everyone who has supported me and our family in anyway, it is all the support that I get, that helps me to support Emerald and other parents that are going through this.

A couple people have commented on how funny I am... unfortunatly, I now have performace anxiety, and can no longer be funny... I apologize in advance if the journal suddenly becomes boring to read... LOL

I took out Anya's stitches... They were ready and I am too limited on time to go and take her to an appointment they are healing well, she has been dubbed FrankenAnya... hopefully, this is the end of it.

My mom went through her surgery well, hopefully she will get better and better. As of this morning it was still numb... that would be her foot, I guess I should have said that instead of letting you wonder what exactly was numb.

OK, I think that is it for today, I hope everyone has sweet dreams..

Leave us a message in our guestbook! We are running low on written messages. Just a line or two to say "hey"... talk about your lives, say something normal, or not so normal!

Hugs,

(the long winded) Kimberly

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Monday, August 30, 2004 11:32 PM CDT

OK, so I updated twice in one night...

Emerald twitch is so bad right now, that I can't sleep. I worry that she is going to stop breathing. It is making me crazy, I try to not worry about it, and try not to seem so worried about it, but it is horrid. She sounds like she is gasping for air... she isn't really, but her breathing pattern is FAR from normal right now. This has just gotten progressively worse since about 2 weeks into radiation.

I am hoping her medication kicks in quickly.

We really need your prayers that we can get this taken care of. We need something to work consistently. Maybe the every 6 hour dosing schedule is a better plan.

Another night on the couch for me, I guess.

Have a good night.

Kimberly & Es

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Monday, August 30, 2004 10:26 PM CDT

Hi everyone.

Not much to say today, or in the last few days. Emerald continues to improve... she is reasonably happy and people have noticed how chatty and beginning to be herself she is again. This makes me happy.

We had a photo shoot with Shelley the photographer... Shelley's photograhy. She and her husband were just wonderful and so patient with us (and Anya!) I hope she got lots of good shots, especially of Emerald. It was really great to have her at our home and her work is just beautiful. If you haven't checked her out, please look. Thank you so much for helping take care of us, Shelley. It really means so much that you took the time to do this. Emerald had such a wonderful time being the center of attention.

My mom had surgery on her foot today. It is now late and I can't call and see how it went, but I wanted to mention it here, I HOPE YOU ARE DOING WELL TODAY, MOM. I will call in the morning and see.

I did end up giving Emerald more medicine and when I called today they told me that indeed, I could increase the times I give it to her in a day. So far, it seems to be the only one that really shows an improvement. Lets hope that continues.

I start school tomorrow night. I am kind of excited. Excited to get out of here for the evening once a week!!! LOL

Emerald would have started school today, I am kind of bummed out that she couldn't. It is really kind of depressing because we should be happily starting school, making new friends and worrying about homework. Instead, she has other things to worry about. It is just hard to deal with, but part of our new lives. I want to be part of the healthy kid club again. I want to complain about little things, knowing they aren't a big deal... (sigh)

Oh and the soap I am making is turning out really cute. I will post a picture tomorrow.

I need to get to bed, I hope everyone has the sweetest dreams and great mornings.

Love,
Kimberly & Es

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Saturday, August 28, 2004 11:44 AM CDT

Good morning. Last night was the first night of chemo this cycle.

Pictures from camp and the ball game are in the journal history.

Emerald started on Baclofen yesterday. The doctor gave us the directions for twice a day. So last night she taks it and the twitch disappeared, until about 5 am, where I was awoken with her breathing suddenly from the next room. I ended up giving her her the next dose early, and it took effect within an hour and I ended up sleeping on the couch, because I was waiting for it to go away.

Now, I read that the dosing for this medication is usually three or four times a day. And it stops working after 8. Well, that is just great to know... and it is a weekend. The twitch is so bad when present that she sounds like she is hyperventilating. She is... she even has been getting dizzy recently because of it. I wish they wouldn't start something new on a Friday... gives you no time to ask questions once it starts, you know?

Anyway, she seems ok for now, but we are almost to 8 hours and I need to figure out if she needs another dose if the twitch returns... sigh...

Baby is crying... need to go.

Please keep Cheyenne in your prayers.. she is feeling cruddy from her chemo. Also keep our friend Olivia (there is no link for her) in your prayers. Her mom, Wendy told us that her tumor has returned. I think both Wendy and Olivia need strength. :)

Find some joy today!

Love,
Kimberly & Es

PS, I wanted to thank Linda Champa for sending Emerald so many cool stickers. They were really nice ones Es can use for her scrapbooking..& everything else.

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Thursday, August 26, 2004 1:17 PM CDT

Emerald's counts were excellent today. She doesn't have to go back for two weeks!!! Yippy!!!

She starts chemo tomorrow!

Remember the contest I put Ian in. Well, I got the picture of him, he won. It is so nice.



Thanks to everyone who helped!

I will post more later, maybe.

Hope your day is great!

Kimberly & Es

OK, I am back... I finally got some of the camp pictures scanned in..



Wait til you see the new soap I decided to do. With great ideas from Keri and Sheila... I have a soap that I think will make a lot of money for cancer research. It is "cooking" now, so as soon as it is finished, I will post a picture. Prepare to be amazed... LOL

Emerald says to tell everyone hello and that she loves them!

Kimberly & Miss Emerald.

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Wednesday, August 25, 2004 11:24 PM CDT

Hi everyone!

Just am updating to add our pictures of the Tiger's Game we went to on Sunday...



I am still trying to get some pictures scanned in of camp.

Emerald had a great time meeting the Paws dogs today! I certainly hope they let us have one. Once we find out if we are approved, we need to find out how long we would be waiting. It is a process, just like everything else.

I am hopeful that Emerald's counts are going to be good tomorrow. She looks so good.

This is a picture of her this month...


And this is a picture of her in the beginning of June. I can't believe the difference in her face. I wish I could lose weight like this!

Her Neurologist (Dr. Trock) called me today and they are concerned about her twitching. We are weaning her off of the anti siezure medication she is currently taking, because it isn't helping with her twitch. We will be starting her on Baclofen.

this is what I read about it...is used to help relax certain muscles in your body. It relieves the spasms, cramping, and tightness of muscles caused by medical problems such as multiple sclerosis or certain injuries to the spine. Baclofen does not cure these problems, but it may allow other treatment, such as physical therapy, to be more helpful in improving your condition.

Baclofen acts on the central nervous system (CNS) to produce its muscle relaxant effects. Its actions on the CNS may also cause some of the medicine's side effects. Baclofen may also be used to relieve other conditions as determined by your doctor.

I am seriously hoping this does the trick. I can't imagine that she is getting enough sleep with the way she is breathing. Right now this is our currently biggest concern.

She is supposed to begin school on Monday, but will probably be held off a week, as the school needs to have support for Emerald. Let's pray it gets pulled together quickly. Emerald and I had a long talk today about her not putting in enough effort. I think she understands a bit better why she needs to get stronger, and not just let life pass her by. I know she is probably feeling a bit down lately... she complains of being bored. People send her stuff all the time, there is no way she is bored. I told her it wasn't needing more stuff that would make her happy, but rather being able to get out and play like the other kids. It is really difficult to keep a 10 year old motivated!

I will try to get the rest of the pictures scanned in tomorrow.

Need to get my rest. Have a wonderful day!

Oh and Ian took 4 steps today. (Gosh, I love that little guy, much to the surprise of those who know me well... I was a bit anti-boy at first... but I couldn't ask for a more perfect kid, did I say that with all of them??? LOL)

OK, bye!

Love,
Kimberly and Es

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Tuesday, August 24, 2004 10:57 PM CDT

Just wanted to quick update today.

Emerald is doing really well, except for that twitch in her arm. I can hear it when she sleeps (it affects her breathing pattern) and when she talks. I am not certain if it is something we should worry about, but it bothers me. We have been trying some different meds to see if we can get it under control and so far, nothing has really worked. I am waiting for them to call back again, hopefully, they can figure out something else.

Aside from that things have been getting a bit better. She even went into the bathroom and did almost all her business all by herself. She did need me for a few things, but mostly, she did it herself. Trust me when I say that this a huge, huge accomplishment for her, and also trust me when I say, that she is going to kick my butt for mentioning it!!!!

Paws for a cause come today at 2. Emerald is very excited about the prospect of getting a social support dog. I will let you know how it goes.

There must be a whole bunch of things I am forgetting, but I will maybe remember them tomorrow.

I hope that tumor is shrinking... SHRINK TUMOR SHRINK!

Love,
Kimberly & Es

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Monday, August 23, 2004 11:16 PM CDT

OK, so I guess it is time for an update. I have been busy!!!

Anyway, the drive to camp went well. It was a long day, but we made it no further problems, my car is now fixed and parked in my driveway!

Emerald had fun, I am so glad to have her home. I will post pictures in the next couple days.

On Sunday we went to see the Tigers play. They lost, but I thought they were going to have a shot right up til the end. Rene, Shawn, the kids and myself all went. It was an American Cancer Society Event. Lunch, bags of stuff, kids had a blast. I have pictures of that also, that I will post in a few days.

Aside from that, I have been trying to get things set up for school starting, for both Es and myself. Should be a busy year for us.

Es has a doctor appointment on Thursday, if I don't post again before then... I should with pictures, don't worry. We are just livin' life!

Oh and on Wednesday, we have a home visit for paws with a cause, for a social support dog. Hopefully, they will approve us and then let the fundraising begin! (We can't do anything until we are approved.)

As soon as the soap is ready, I will give detailed instructions on how to get it!

Also thank you to those who have bought bracelets and had the profits go to Emerald's fund. We really appreciate the help!

Oh last thing, Anya seems to be healing well... her wounds are in covered places, so when we have our photo shoot she won't be having to worry about our FrankenAnya.

Please leave us a message in our guestbook. It really makes our day. (I mean me, Emerald, my mom, my sisters... ) to see entries of people who care about our family. Sometimes it makes a huge difference in whether or not we get in those smiles we all need.

Love,
Kimberly & Es (Yea! She is back!)

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Friday, August 20, 2004 9:02 PM CDT

I can't even believe my bad luck. After the excitement with Anya's eye last night, I thought, OK, I am going to get up and get stuff done today. Right.

I got up and went with Shawn to pick up my car. On the drive back, it starts to have smoke coming from the engine... that can't be good. I get home, and I look at it, and the hose has come right off from the radiator. I knew it smelled like antifreeze. So, I go in the house and start doing chores, I was going to get lunch and then call the dealership to see if they would take the thing back to fix it properly. Well, as soon as lunch was over, Anya fell and hit her forehead on the table... AGAIN. She got another 4 stitches today. She will look like Frankenstien if we keep this up. By the time I return home, the dealership is closed. Luckily, Shawn came home and put the hose on and ran it, it seemed fine. So I take it to the store, where it promptly breaks down on me. I end up waiting for the tow truck to come and tow it back to the dealership. Luckily we have Shawn's car, because, I don't know how the heck I would be picking up Es tomorrow without it!

Anyway, I am finally home, trying to get the kids to bed and get ready to pick up my angel tomorrow. I miss her. We have to leave at 5 am, to be there by 10. Delightful.

I did make another batch of soap. I finally decided on one that has a light gold swirl through it. It is off white with a gold swirl, looks good. Gold is the childhood cancer color anyway, yellow for Alex's Lemonade Stand... As soon as it is ready, I can start sending it out to those who want to "Clean up Cancer"(?) Ahhhh.... I am a cheese, I know.

I hope our trip in the morning goes well, I don't think we need anymore excitement.

Love,
Kimberly, no Es.

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Thursday, August 19, 2004 9:16 AM CDT

Anya got 3 stitches in her left eyebrow tonight. Now it matches the right eyebrow. (sigh) I told you it wouldn't be the last time.

Good morning...

Tonight at camp Emerald has a dance. I wish I could be there. She gets to wear a formal dress, the boys wear tuxes and they get to ride in a limo there. She was VERY excited about this... dispite her saying that she "hates dresses... can't I wear a skort?" So I am geeked. Sad I can't be there, but I can't wait to see pictures!

I made soap again this morning. Gosh, I have missed making soap. I need to make a bunch because fall craft shows are coming up, and it needs to be ready. I made another version of the lemonade soap this morning. I am just not happy with it. Either way, until I find a way I like it, I will be selling the lemonade soap (Take A Stand) to give the profits to Alex's Lemonade Stand. I can't wait to start shipping off the money to charity. It will make me feel like I am doing something to fight cancer... The other soap, well, the profits go to helping us. (You would think that was obvious!)

My site is well... primitive. I am working on pictures and words to send to the wonderful person who is designing my site for me, but I haven't had much time. Hopefully in the next week. Anyway, the soap will be ready in about 4 weeks. (Yes, it takes that long to cure)

OK, so I am signing off for today. I will post pictures of the new soap tonight when it is out of the mold... I have no idea what I created this morning, but I am sure it will be fine!

Thanks for watching and have a Grrrrreeaat Day!

Kimberly

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Wednesday, August 18, 2004 10:29 PM CDT

Thanks to everyone who has signed the guestbook today! I feel so loved!

Here is my current picture of soap that I made today... Bonnie... I WILL have the soap page back online tomorrow.. I was stupid to erase it before. doh...





Here is one of my boredness today while waiting for the soap stuff to cool...



And here is Anya taking advantage of Emerald's chair being free... Dora has never been seen in such comfort...



Counting the moments until Emerald's return!

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Wednesday, August 18, 2004 7:17 AM CDT

Hey, how about some guestbook entries for mom, who is having Emerald WITHDRAWL today??? I miss her terribly. Today, I am going to attempt the lemon soap again, I will post the pictures when it is finished. Hopefully, it won't look like ham and cheese. LMBO!

These are more pictures from the girlscout outing...Thanks to Kris for taking them!

Ian's feeties!



Ian, obviously! Lovin' that cookie!



Emerald playing with her friends.



Anya swimming!



Thanks for visiting!

Kimberly, alone, with no Es... :(

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Tuesday, August 17, 2004 3:09 PM CDT

Hi everyone!

The rest of our day went well. We only drove 2 hours out of our way... LOL Overall, it was a nice drive, tiring, but nice!

I had a hard time leaving her, we haven't been apart for more than a couple hours since she was diagnosed!

Emerald called today, to check on ME, she said. She is so thoughtful. Didn't she know I wanted to call every few hours? She is having lots of fun and has taken lots of pictures. I am excited to see them. She said she is glad she went! (Thank goodness I trusted my instincts!)

I also got an email today from someone who wants to help our family by taking pictures of Emerald and our family. It is wonderful for her to offer this. She is a photographer out of Lapeer. Shelley's Photography Oddly, I was just talking to my friends online about this and I don't know if Kathy had anything to do with this... but either way, it is so appreciated.

Kimberly & Es

Just adding this photo to the journal, because I took it off the main page.

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Sunday, August 15, 2004 7:49 AM CDT

So we get up this morning and have just about enough time to drive there before two, with stops. Shawn needed to run up to the store and drove my car (the one we were planning to take) and 1/2 way there my car won't shift. He checks and it is out of transmission fluid. So he puts some in, starts it and it shoots all over the place.

So I go get him, so we can take his car, but there is no back seat in it (he races it) and now we are late because he has to put the back seat in before we can even load it up. I hate taking his car. The car seats barely fit in it, with Emerald. (sigh) and it is only two doors. Getting Emerald back there is hard, and having me sit in the back is uncomfortable... especially for 4 hours (big butt) and Shawn fits fine, but his car is a manual transmission. Grr... starting out to be a great day!

Pray the rest of this runs smoothly. I so want Emerald to have a good time. Yesterday, she walked to her friends house and back, and then up and down our step a couple times! She even asked to lay on the pull out bed in the living room and sat up from laying down! She is amazing. I am glad she can sleep kind of flat because she will be doing it all week. Now I don't have to worry. She is also trying to pull her own clothes up and down but that takes a LOT of effort, and while it is getting better, it certainly isn't easy for her, I end up helping. But, she said yesterday, the better I feel the more I can do!!!

So when the car broke down and I had no seats in Shawn's car, I had to leave the kids here, literally 5 minutes away... (I am a horrible mom) anyway, I come back and Emerald is sitting on the floor playing with the babies... She got herself down on the floor all by herself! Of course, she can't get back up by herself, and she is calling me to do that now!

Thanks for reading... pray for a flawlessly safe drive to camp! Hi Mom and Dad, if you are finally back from camping! I will call you later.

Love,
Kimberly & Es.

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Friday, August 13, 2004 11:38 PM CDT

Hi everyone. Well Nichole's MRI came out clear, just waiting for the results to the EEG. Hope it is OK as well. Thank you for all those that prayed for her!

Emerald had another great day today. SHE WALKED UP 4 STEPS BY HERSELF! Can you believe it? She is amazing. Thankfully, she is on the fast track, like she was before the last MRI! PRAY THIS IS THE TUMOR SHRINKING!!! I want it to be so badly.

We are getting ready for camp. I had originally planned to go up north the night before, or two days before and hang out so we wouldn't have to drive 8 hours to drop her off, but instead we are going to drive 8 hours... LOL. Should be great fun. Lots of breaks! It shouldn't be too bad. I did a map quest and it is only a bit over 4 hours each way... did I say ONLY?

Emerald starts school on August 30th. Her new school is beautiful and new. It has handicapped accessible doors and stuff. They seemed very welcoming today when I went in to register her.

I start school on the 31st, taking one class a semester should have me getting my degree in about 5 years. Oh well, at least I am working toward it.

I met someone online who decided to sell bracelets and if you choose, have the profit go to Emerald. Bracelets for a cause

Oh... speaking of causes. I decided to make soap in Lemonade scent that would have the profit go to Alex's Lemonade Stand. Anyway... I made up a soap that was scented Lemonade, and I tried for yellow with a pink swirl. Well... it looks like velveeta and HAM. It isn't exactly what I imagined... so I guess that batch will stay here for my family!!! LOL I decided to try for a yellow and pink swirl in white soap. I hope that looks a little better...

OK, I have had a couple people email about the soap, first, I apologize for my site not working right now, I will fix it today... and second... there is doubt that the soap looks like ham and cheese...

Well, here is the HAM and CHEESE soap. The gross part comes in when it smells like Lemons!



Have a good weekend!

Love,
Kimberly & Emerald

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Thursday, August 12, 2004 4:09 PM CDT

URGENT: Please pray for our friend Nichole. She is a college student with a Glioblastoma Multiforme, in her spinal cord. She has been having symptoms of siezures and will be undergoing a brain MRI and EEG tomorrow. Nichole and Joyce, will be thinking about you and praying for you both.




Count day...

WBC 4.17 (.96)
Neut 2.97 (.16)

RBC 4.84 (2.42)
HGB 14.3 (7.6)

PLT 413 (472)

Her counts were excellent today, in fact, she doesn't even have to get poked at camp! WaHOOOO!!!

I asked about adding in Celebrex to her Temodar, he said there isn't any reason that we couldn't but he didn't advise it because her platelets drop so bad. So we won't be doing it, or I should say, we won't try it until we see what we are doing isn't working which should be in October.

Emerald is making stickers with Keri right now. She has had a few pretty good days. She feels well, and is very active. Walking better and better every day.

I hope to God it is the tumor shrinking.

Please pray Allie's Donor Cells start taking over, pray that Cheyenne starts feeling better. Pray also for Celeste and Hanna's families as they go through their day without their girls. We love you!

We are getting ready for camp!

Love,
Kimberly & Es

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Wednesday, August 11, 2004 4:09 PM CDT

How the heck is there music in the guestbook?? LOL



This what we did today at Daycare! We also had a tent, but I failed to get pictures of them playing in it.

The kids really had a good time making s'mores! We got this from Uncle Chad and Aunt Elyse. It is really fun for us to use!

Emerald is having a good day today, she gets around a little better each day. It is slow going, but at least it is going.

She doesn't get upset when I mention camp anymore either! That is a relief!

Thanks to everyone who has written in the guestbook.

Allie's test came back with only 6onor cells. Please hope the donor cells start taking over. There isn't much leukemia in her right now, but that is liable to change if those cells don't start taking over.

Cheyenne is still not feeling well...Pray for her to have a better day. I want to think of her with a twinkle in her eye!

I hope everyone has a good day today.

Kimberly & Es.

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Tuesday, August 10, 2004 8:18 AM CDT

Good morning!

I had a little scare last night... I was looking at Emerald pupils and I noticed they were obviously different sizes... so I start panicking. Had Shawn look at them, and yep, he could see it, too.

Then, a little while later, after I posted on the PBT group to ask, I noticed that Ian's were also different sizes... Unless, he also has a tumor, I must have passed on some weird genetic thing. (I read it could be from a tumor or from genetics.) I will have her checked out on her next appointment. But THANK GOODNESS that Ian's were also like that. Everyone elses are equal. It is kind of wierd. If you look at the picture at the top of this page, you can see that they are different sizes!

My neighbors have really been bothering me lately. Nothing they do to me, but rather how they treat their children. They have a 3 year old, and they let him play in the street. We live on a cornor and the speed limit is only 15 but people go faster. Yesterday, he is STANDING in front of my house, while I am trying to pull in, with his hand up to say "stop". I yelled at him to get out of the road. The other day, he kept running out in front of Emerald's dad's car on purpose... he would back off then take a step toward him, to joke around. Finally, the grandma who was mowing the lawn right there, told him to get out of the way. Anyway, so yesterday, I went over there and told what he did, and she says... "XXXX you need to look both ways before you cross the street." First of all, the kid is 3. There is NO WAY he has the skills to cross the street. And Second, he WASN'T crossing the street, he was playing with cars. What I don't understand is why they let him play in the street when they aren't able to see him... they wouldn't leave him in the house while they went to the store, would they? This is their child. Myself and countless other people here online are spending all this energy trying to keep our beloved children ALIVE and these people are LETTING him play in the street. It makes me so horribly mad. (SIGH) Anyway, thanks for letting me get that out. I don't care if they happen to read our website. I would rather they corrected that problem and kept their kids safe, than like me.

Emerald got this WAY cool sticker craft from one of her ChemoAngels. It is kind of like gold leafing... they look really neat. Shawn even did a couple with Emerald last night, I think she spent 5 hours working on them. Lots of fun! Emerald's chemoangels are the bomb!

We are trying to plan a little getaway to somewhere cheap in September probably in Emerald Isle, NC. I figured it would be a great place to get lots of photos of MY Emerald Isle. Hopefully, I can pull it off. We really just need a pool, so she can swim every day!

Well, that is it from us, for now.

Please keep Hanna's Family, Cheyenne, Celeste's Family, and Baby Allie in your thoughts today.

Kimberly & Es

Me and Anya after Dora, playing in a fun mirror...

Anya at Dora the explorer

Ian playing with mom in the grass.

Emerald at Greenfield Village...

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Monday, August 9, 2004 8:01 PM CDT

Hanna earned her angel wings this morning. Please pray for this family. Hanna is such a beautiful little girl and her mom is one of the sweetest people I have met. She fought long and hard and finally won. As sad as I am about this news, I can't even imagine how Tammy is holding up right now, she needs your prayers and support.

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I also found out that today baby Allie leukemia test, LOL came back with only 1% leukemia cells. I wanted to share the bright spot in our day. That is wonderful news. Tomorrow we shall find out if the donor cells are taking over... Pray they do. I need some good news.

Thank you to everyone who comes and visits Emerald's site. Thank you for the prayers, thanks for taking the time to sign the guestbook (hint, hint) Thank you to the moms who have befriended me in person and to those who have become my friends online. Thank you to my family who has spent so many hours playing with us... and crying with us. I am so thankful for you all.

Please keep Cheyenne in your prayers she isn't feeling too good. And Celeste's family still needs your prayers, I still can't believe her smiling face isn't here on earth with us. It makes me sad.

We love you... Kimberly & Es

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Sunday, August 8, 2004 7:54 PM CDT

A quick update about our friend Hanna. Hanna earned her angel wings this morning. Please pray for this family. Hanna is such a beautiful little girl and her mom is one of the sweetest people I have met. She fought long and hard and finally won. As sad as I am about this news, I can't even imagine how Tammy is holding up right now, she needs your prayers and support.

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Well, another wonderful day. We went to Greenfield Village today. Emerald took her wheelchair this time because she wouldn't have made it with all the walking we did. Keri, Christian, Kelly and Tristan went with Shawn, Emerald, Anya and I. When we got home me and Es sat on the swing and giggled and played with her gameboy...

She is going to camp next Sunday, and is now excited about it. She wasn't at first. She has warmed up to the idea... she said, "I know I will PROBABLY have fun..." This is a relief because she cried that she was going at first. There is a dance where she gets to dress up in a formal dress and get a limo ride. I think she secretly wants to dance with a boy. (She has always been boy crazy... even in Kindergarten, she would sit everyday with Connor. He gave her a pink dress up dress and high heels for her 6th birthday. It was very sweet.) Anyway, she has always been like that, she expressed today that she was "ugly", and that no one would "like" her because she was now disabled. It is hard to tell which is the disablity stress and what is normal for pre teen girls.

She is now at the movies with her dad. I swear she does so much. I kind of can't wait until the fall when things settle down on the weekends and we can stay home on the weekends and do crafts.

I am pretty certain I had a bunch of things I wanted to say, but I am kind of tired and brain dead at the moment. Or as Emerald would say, "I am having a brain fart." Thanks Es.

Please sign the guestbook. We really look forward to seeing the support.

Thanks for checking on all of us.

Kimberly and Es.

Here are a couple picture of Ian and our friend Liam from the Hands on Museum. Aren't these the two cutest guys, ever???

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Saturday, August 7, 2004 7:28 PM CDT

We went swimming today, and Emerald had a blast. We went with the girl scout troop. She hasn't really hung out with the girls in a long time, so it was nice to see her playing so much with them. It is always great to see her in the pool. She was in there for what seemed like hours today. She moves so much more freely in the water. I almost forgot for a few minutes that she was even sick. :) I got a chance to meet Kris. She is a wonderful person, who got us free movie tickets and gives us baby clothes and stuff. She is super nice. It was nice to see everyone again for me, as well, as Emerald.

Then we went out to eat to Mongolian BBQ. She loves that place, even though she only eats like two bites.

I'd say it was a pretty great day. She is feeling much better and walked herself around the resturant and even went up and down some steps by herself.

Now we are going to make some s'mores, with the s'more maker we got from Chad & Elyse for Hannukah. Yummy.

Thanks for checking on us! Leave us a message in the guestbook, we are feeling neglected lately!

Love,
Kimberly & Emerald

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Saturday, August 7, 2004 8:36 AM CDT

I just wanted to update really quick. Today for the FIRST TIME in 8 mos, Emerald Isle Maes, played on the floor of her bedroom. I get tears just thinking about it. She is in there now... we have to go somewhere, and I don't want to interrupt her playing! It is a prayer I have wanted answered for some time... thank you.

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Hello.

Yesterday, we got the hospital around 9 AM, and didn't leave there until 11:15 PM last night. Boy, am I whipped. For some reason I have been very tired anyway, and this little stint in the hospital didn't help. 14 hours for 2 bags of blood.

We didn't get out of there early enough to light a candle for Celeste. I did call my mom so she could do it for us, and while walking back from the cafeteria, I noticed the art on the wall. It was a bunch of circles with stars and stuff in them. I have seen it so many times before, and this time, I noticed the name. "Celestial Walk". Now each time I walk those halls, I will think of Celeste.

Emerald did well. She only cried for a second when they were giving her the poke, but did real well. They gave her Benedryl and Tylenol before hand to keep an reactions at bay. When she went in, she was getting dizzy all the time, and was having trouble walking because she was so tired. Her skin looked like a china doll. It was beautiful, but she didn't look healthy. Now, she has more energy and she is pink again. Her hemoglobin has been declining over time, and I thought she just needed sun... LOL

Hopefully, in two weeks we won't be back in the hospital. It seems like every two weeks we are there. So many people have said that their kids or themselves have tolerated the Temodar so well. Of course, Emerald has issues with it... right now, she is neutropenic. Her neutrophils are REALLY low, hopefully they come up again soon.

Thanks for checking on us.

Kimberly & Emerald

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Thursday, August 5, 2004 11:08 PM CDT

Well, in case I don't have time to check in tomorrow, I am going to write tonight..

This week has been rough. Not because Emerald is feeling unwell. She isn't. She is tired from her hemoglobin being so low, but in a generally good mood. She has mentioned Celeste several times today.

I was cleaning Emerald's room. Gosh, it was a mess. So much stuff, so many sizes of clothes. What do I do with it? I finally got down to where we can walk in there... and I realized that her bratz stuff on the floor ( in a barbie house ) has been sitting there now for almost 8 mos unchanged except for when Anya sneaks in. God, how I want her to play with her stuff. I feel so alone. I want to snuggle up on the bed and just fall asleep in there, and wake up. I JUST WANT TO WAKE UP. I bet all the parents say this... but even knowing there are parents who share the same hopes and fears, it is still a very personal thing... sometimes I want to plead with God... not my daughter... please make this right. I don't even know how I feel about God... I don't understand... none of us do, I guess. Then I feel silly... I feel silly because there are others who have it rougher than me and Emerald. Those with inoperable tumors, those with a short prognosis. I grieve for these children, I ache for these parents... and then I hug my daughter and I thank GOD for every moment I have with my children. I feel guilty because I have my daughter to hold. It is rough, but she is here, with me. (sigh).

Thank you to Linda Champa for sending money to help us get a recliner for Emerald. She sleeps better in it. We are trying to get another so when she visits with her dad, she has somewhere to sleep as well.

I appreciate everyone who has signed our guestbook, written an email and sent packages, money and cards. For coming over and hanging out with me... I can't say enough... it means the world. For those of you who visit other sites as well and offer support... I can't thank you enough.

I may hate cancer... but I love the big, hopeful hearts that surround us who have to deal with it.

Well, I am ending my whiney, overemotional post and will hit the hay. Gotta get up early and get Emerald transfused! She has been actually asking to go to the hospital all night to get it sooner... the poor kid is so tired and when she tries to walk around her breathing gets harder.

Tomorrow night we are asking for you to please light a candle for our friend, Celeste. http://www.caringbridge.org/pa/celeste

Please keep in your prayers Hanna and Cheyenne and baby Allie.

Love,
Kimberly & Emerald

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Thursday, August 5, 2004 11:59 AM CDT

Count day... It isn't good, her platelets had quite the recovery but her hemoglobin is down and she will get a transfusion tomorrow morning. She is so tired that she isn't even that upset about it, so long as it makes her feel better... for those keeping track, here are her numbers.

WBC 0.96 (a week ago.. 2.63)
RBC 2.42 (2.92)
HGB 7.6 (9.2)
PLT 472 (83)

Oh, and yes, her white blood count is a bit worrisome. He wants us to take her temp every two hours and call if it gets over 100.5.

Aside from being REALLY tired, she is in a good mood. I got the bill for the last transfusion... $3000... thank goodness for insurance!

Have a good day! And thanks for checking on us!

Kimberly & Es

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Wednesday, August 4, 2004 10 PM EST

Hi, I decided to leave yesterdays post up for a bit longer, but wanted to check in today. Today was a little better. My asthma was really acting up yesterday, and I went to the doctor and they gave me a shot of steroid... feeling a bit better now.

Emerald is doing better, she seemed a bit "off" today, out of sorts, but better than yesterday. I really appreciated the emails and guestbook entries, it really helped me feel a bit better yesterday. I was feeling a bit low... I think most of us were.

I am also going to re write that if you would like to volunteer to watch the kids for me for $10 for an hour on Tuesdays starting August 31st, I would appreciate it. I am taking class I need for my degree. (Early Childhood Education)

I am also working on a new site for my soap stuff. I will be selling a new soap where the proceeds go to support childhood cancer research. I will let you know when that is up and running... :)

Thanks for visting.

Tuesday, August 3, 2004 8:56 AM CDT
I just wanted to post some more bad news... I hate freaking cancer, I really do. I have wasted my whole day hating it, and crying about it though, and it doesn't change anything.

The little girl from Alex's Lemonade Stand passed away also.Alex Scott Please read her story and keep this family in your prayers.

Baby Allie REALLY needs prayers. Please, PLEASE pray for them. "We were hoping for the donor cells to be at 50-100 percent, but instead there are only 7 percent donor and 93 percent of Allie's cells. The cells that Allie is producing are also showing the chromosome that is linked to her leukemia. They are taking her off steroids and cyclosporine in hopes that her 7 percent will be able to take over. Dr. Weinthal says that most likely, it won't work. We will test again in a week. The hope we have now is that GVHD will take over those cells and that the donor cells will increase in number."

I know this sounds silly, but PLEASE pray for a little Graft vs Host Disease... it is pretty much the only hope for Allie. Jenny and Andrew and Allie are always in my thoughts, Allie is the same age to the day as my Ian.

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I just wanted to let you know that our friend Celeste passed away this morning about 2 AM. I just spoke with Celeste's Aunt on the phone.

PLEASE keep them in your prayers. Stop by and leave a message.

Our Angel Celeste

I HATE CANCER.

I told Emerald about Celeste when she arrived home, or rather she heard me when I was telling my mom and she was in the other room. I didn't know she could hear, and she called for me. My sweetie had tears all down her face and was just sobbing. She keeps asking, "Why did she have to go?" I think she was really touched by Celeste's story, the little girl whose cheeks were cute like Emerald's. She drew her a picture and had sent out stuff for her. All I can do is hug her and cry with her.

I had written another update this morning... if you look under past journal entries it is the first one...

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Tuesday, August 3, 2004 8:02 AM CDT

Tonight is the last night of chemotherapy. She is doing so well this time. Hopefully, the decreased dose will help with her counts, and not take away from poisoning this darn tumor.

SHRINK TUMOR SHRINK

Emerald is at physical therapy with my mom. She was a little mad I made her take the walker and not the wheelchair. We are using the chair less and less, it is slow but good!

She is feeling really good. A few people have commented on her shining eyes and the healthy look about her. She DOES look good. Just the way she jokes around reminds me of my before cancer Emerald.

We went to see Dora on Sunday. It was fun. The kids had fun, even Emerald.

This weekend we have a pool party on Saturday, with Emerald's girl scout troop. On Sunday, we are planning to go to Greenfield Village. I haven't been there since my parents had an exchange student at our home.

I wanted to comment to Robyn. I only started to take the kids lots of places. I used to work every Weekend. It is suprising what lessons you learn when your kid get sick, you know? If you ever want to come over and visit with us or go to the zoo or whatever, let me know. Just pick a day. I have free passes for the zoo and we are here most of the time. Although, I get this feeling your daughter and my daughter, Anya may try to take over the house, so we will have to really watch them!!! LOL Anyone in the Maes family is more than welcome to come and visit, whenever they want, just call to make certain we are home!

Keri is working on a benefit in September in Owosso. I will have more details later.

I am taking a class on Tuesday nights. I have to be there at 6:30 pm starting August 31st. I need someone to come watch the kids for about an hour each Tuesday, until Shawn gets home. I can pay $10 for that hour (unless you would like to donate in the name of education :) ) Please email me at the email address below and let me know, if you would like to help me out!

If you haven't been to Cheyennes site, her link is below, please check out the pictures... Cheyenne's dad looks really tough with his new hair style! I think the whole family looks great.

Please keep all our friends in your prayers. Celeste and Hanna really need them. Cheyenne really needs her tumor to shrink. Allie needs prayers for her transplant to work and help kill off any remaining leukemia.

Kimberly & Es

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Sunday, August 1, 2004 7:24 AM CDT

Last night was night 2 of chemotherapy. She is doing well. No real nausea yet.

We took Shawn to a japanese steak house to eat last night. It was fun, the kids even had fun. Food was really good.

Oh in the photo album are new pictures of Emerald's new hair! She had black added in. That was the plan in the first place, so she finally got it done.

We are off to see Dora the Explorer Live! today. Should be a fun day. Anya will be so excited, she doesn't really grasp where we are going yet.

Hope you have a happy day.

Kimberly & Es

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Friday, July 30, 2004 1:17 PM CDT

Hi everyone!

Emerald is having a great day, her friend Noelle is here and they are playing on the computer and with Bratz in the living room. It is so nice to see her playing. Before this little setback, she was trying to get on the floor to play and I think she wants to try practicing again... hopefully this tumor is shrinking and she will have more ease of movement soon.

SHRINK TUMOR SHRINK

I have a request. Please visit this site, if you are of any of the decents listed, PLEASE consider having your bone marrow typed. It is free. It would mean the possiblility of saving a life. matchpia.org

Thank you for checking on Emerald and our family. We are planning to take Anya to Dora the Explorer live on Sunday. Emerald isn't really wanting to go, but she loves to see Anya excited, so she still wants to go.

Shawn's Birthday is tomorrow, so we are trying to find something fun to do with him.

Hoping for a happy weekend for everyone.

Kimberly & Es

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Thursday, July 29, 2004 2:22 PM CDT

Emerald's counts were

WBC 2.63 (a week ago.. 2.79)
RBC 2.92 (3.29)
HGB 9.2 (10.4)
PLT 83 (40)

So she starts chemo tomorrow, they decreased her dose a bit, they don't want her counts dipping so much. We will see how that works. They are starting this cycle way lower than the last one. But since she doesn't usually dip until week 3, it should still go back up before then.

She walked almost double what she had last week with her walker today. Still isn't that far, but incomparison it is a huge gain. She can lift up her right arm a bit better now too, and it is definitely still gaining strength, she can lift up a whole lb with the right arm! They keep asking if she is doing any better with walking and stuff at the oncology office, I think they are expecting this tumor to start showing outward signs of shrinkage... we keep looking. C'mon you darn thing... SHRINK...

I added a new link to a baby Eliza, it is down at the bottom of this page. She doesn't have any pictures on teh main page, but in the photo album she has the cutest pictures. Eliza also has a grade 3 astrocytoma.. Please visit her!

Also, keep Celeste, and Cheyenne in your prayers.

Kimberly & Es

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Wednesday, July 28, 2004 8:46 AM EST

Good Morning.

I forgot to add earlier that now John Hopkins and Children's Hospital of Michigan agree that Emerald's tumor is an anaplastic astrocytoma and not the oligoastrocytoma that Beaumont had decided it was. I don't know how it matters, but that was the information I received.

Yesterday, I got a call from Emerald's neurosurgeon, Dr. Jallo. They decided that we should continue on the same course as we are now, with the Temodar. So far he has been able to explain it well to me, in fact, so far, he has been the only accessible enough to explain it to me... and if I have any other questions he is just an email away, which is nice.

Her tumor is diffuse, which we had already known from Dr. Zakalik and surgery. There aren't clear edges on the tumor and it is hard to see where it ends.

He said that it should take 8-10 weeks before we see a difference in the tumor. She had only completed on cycle of chemotherapy when we had the last MRI done, so in October we should see a change on her MRI. (We want to hold out the whole 3 months this time!!! If we go sooner it means that she had more symptoms, and we want to avoid that!)

If her neck gets worse or she has more symtoms, I am to call him.

They are hoping that the Temodar shrinks it back and that will give them a better chance at a successful surgery. Which we all want.

So for those that pray specifically, please pray that the Temodar begins to shrink her tumor.

Emerald is feeling pretty good. She has been playing on the computer and wanting to do some crafts and stuff. I haven't noticed any new bruises, which means that the platelets are doing their job. Hopefully, they will have gone back up on their own. (I am packing my bag in case they don't!)

Thanks for checking on us,

Kimberly & Es

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Monday, July 26, 2004 11:34 PM EST

OK, for future reference. Bring a bag with laptop and extra clothes, just in case when getting blood counts done!

Like I said, her platelets were 8 so they gave her a transfusion. It took almost 10 hours. By the time we got to leave they might as well have let us stay all night... LOL

She has never needed a transfusion before, so before they started, they were telling us that she could have a reaction, blah, blah, blah, it was rare, nothing to worry about. Well, about an hour into the transfusion, Emerald started coughing. I thought it was weird, but maybe she just needed something to drink. She mentions a headache, but I have a headache from my sinuses also, so it seemed normal. Then she needed to go to the bathroom and she had a rash on the back of her leg... and on the back of her arm... suddenly it was on her other arm, she is dizzy, so we hurry and get her back to bed, little spots are creeping down her arm, and up her face from her neck. She starts scratching, still coughing, her eye lids start to swell, she says she feels like there is something in her throat. The nurse RUNS out. The doctor comes back, they give her a shot of benedryl in her IV and the coughing stops almost instantly! It took a while for the other symptoms to go away.

I swear, if something can go wrong for Emerald, it does. LOL

It is late, I am tired. We go back for another count on Thursday, hopefully, they will go back up by then. If they aren't we don't start chemo, and if they are below 20, she gets another transfusion. So pray they go up and stay above 150 so she can start her next round of chemo.

Thanks for checking on us! I haven't gotten to our friends to check on them tonight, will have to in the morning.

Love,
Kimberly and Es

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Monday, July 26, 2004 11:46 AM CDT

Hi, we are at the hospital, Emerald platelets were 8. So she is getting a transfusion. She is a bit upset, to say the least. Should take about 6 hours.

:)

Kimberly & Es

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Sunday, July 25, 2004 8:05 PM CDT

Today was another great day for us. Me and the kids, and Rene went to the hands on Museum in Ann Arbor and spent the day with our friend Becky and her son Liam. Also, Becky's friend Stephanie and her daughter.... who is absolutely the cutest red head I have ever met, and her daugher is pretty cute, too! LOL

We also went out to eat and went to the park. It was fun to hang out and do something fun. Ann Arbor is pretty nice, I would like to live there. It is really far from my parents... I think my family would be a little upset if we moved away.

The weather was perfect and everything was in walking distance.

Emerald was in good spirits, aside from not eating (shocker) she had a fun day, which made my day all that much more fun. Thanks to Rene for coming with us. It helped me be able to chat with the girls and try to keep an eye on Anya better. Emerald really needed the one on one time, and yet still be with us as a family. It worked out great!

We go into the oncologist in the morning for blood counts. Lets hope that they went up.

Thanks so much for checking on us!

Oh and our friend Cheyenne has a new chemo cut! I can only imagine that she looks cute, being bald will just draw more attention to that gorgeous face of hers!

Keep our friends Hanna and Celeste in your prayers. They really could use the encouragment and kind words. Both are wonderful families dealing with way too much...

I will be getting around to adding new friends and fixing things on Emerald's site this week. It has been a while.

Watch for a new post tomorrow!

Love,
Kimberly and Es(meralda, spanish for Emerald, btw! With all the people who visit us, I guess I should clarify, that Es is my nick name for Emerald, she is also called Emma, lots of times.)

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Saturday, July 24, 2004 10:56 PM CDT

Hi everyone!

I am sometimes amazed at the amount of people that come visit the site. 20,000+ since April 1st. I just want to thank EVERY PERSON who has come here and lent their support to me and Emerald and our family & friends.

Emerald went to the movies tonight, she went to see A Cinderella Story. She must have had fun, because she fell right asleep.

We also went to our community picnic today, Emerald got to play a few game, win a few prizes and see some of our neighbors. We then went to visit Sammi who is recoving in the hospital after her brain surgery! We are happy to report the good news that the tumor wasn't a tumor and it is a benign cyst! When I told Emerald she said that Sammi was lucky. She seemed almost jealous, but still happy that Sammi has a chance at getting well. I talked with Sammi's dad and Sammi and Emerald watched TV! I have to comment on how good Sammi looked dispite her swollen bruised face.

We got a package from our friend Lela yesterday, and it had all kinds of goodies in it for Emerald and Anya and Ian. The kids really were happy to get all the stuff. So thank you very much and thank you for your words of encouragement. It means so much to have people pulling for us. There are countless people to thank for sending little gifts. Each one makes Emerald smile. Each card or toy is a reminder that someone is thinking of her and wanting her to be well. So thank you.

Please keep your prayers our friend Isaac's family. Isaac passed away yesterday. From reading her journal about him, he seems just like the kind of boy I would like Ian to grow up like.

Well it is late, and I have plans to take the kids to the hands on museum in Ann Arbor tomorrow with my friend Becky. Need to get some sleep!

Thanks again for checking on us and wishing/praying for Emerald to be well. Please pray her counts are up on Monday and we avoid a transfusion!

Love,
Kimberly & Es

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Thursday, July 22, 2004 11:16 AM CDT

Last week blood counts.

WBC 7.35
RBC 3.62
PLT 234

This weeks blood counts.

WBC 2.79
RBC 3.29
PLT 40

We have to go back on Monday for another count, hopefully it has gone up by then, or she will need a platelet transfusion. For those of you who have spoken about donating blood, donating platelets is a much more involved deal, and then the platelets only last 3 days. If we go in on Monday and her count is low, she needs the transfusion THEN. It takes time to set up platelet donations, so please don't feel that you need to attempt to donate for Emerald. Now if you would like to donate blood, PLEASE there are kids that need blood ALL THE TIME. Feel free to make a donation in her name, but not necessarily FOR her, unless her RBC drops we won't need any right now.

I would like to thank everyone who has left us inspirational messages in the guestbook.

Emerald had physical therapy this morning, and she used her walker REALLY well! She was a bit tired out by the time we got to physical therapy but she did A LOT before that walking into and out of the oncology office and to the physical therapy clinic. She also walked into the UPS store where we have her MACS mailbox. Even though she was tired, her smile was big and she looked so perky! It is refreshing to see her that way. It was also a lot easier for me to drag the kids around with Emerald using the walker. I can fit the double stroller in my car along with the walker, so Anya and Ian stayed safely belted in, and there was still room for Tristan to come along.

Ian is waving now... he is so cute! Here is a picture of the two littlest cuties!



I got a lot accomplished yesterday. I finally got my computer desk cleared off and found a bunch of things we needed!!! Now I just have to sort through all the stuff in my room and Emerald's room. That should take a week or two! I am trying to figure out how to make it easier for her to get around in there and play. Sept of last year I bought her a loft bed, with another bed on the bottom to have a friend stay over. Well, it was back ordered until January (can you believe it? ) and Keri and Christian spent a whole day putting it together. Then within two weeks Emerald got sick and hasn't been able to use it, or her room much because by design it wasn't supposed to leave a whole lot of floor space. The bed on the bottom comes out perpendicular to the loft, so she can't really get into it to sleep... I will probably end up finding something else for Emerald and giving this to the babies, but they are too young for it right now and of course, I would have to PAY for something esle for Emerald. So, she still is sleeping on the couch. Rene is planning on buying a recliner, he thinks he should have extra money. Also, a kind lady has offered to send us a donation to help us pay for one for her. Which is much appreciated! Thanks to everyone who has offered a recliner we didn't use. I think this is the best way to go. She can sit in them and pick out one that will be comfortable for her.

If you emailed me recently, I have been trying to spend less time on the computer and more time "sorting", so please don't think I have forgotten about you. It just takes me a little while these days!

OK, back to my work. Thank you for caring about Emerald. Thank you for your prayer for not only us, but for our friends.

Kimberly & Es

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Wednesday, July 21, 2004 8:52 AM CDT

I must be going through a phase. You know those clean sweep people??? M U S T R E M O V E C L U T T E R !!!! I feel like I have been cleaning for a month, and I still can't get rid of the stuff. I think I just need a bigger house. (sigh) And a live in maid!

Emerald is doing OK. She is sick to her stomach most days, but doesn't throw up. So that is good. She seems to be walking a bit better these days. She can almost walk to and from the bathroom again by herself and has been making more of an effort to take care of her own needs.

Still waiting to hear back from Dr. Jallo, may not be until next week, he had a hard time hunting down the pathologist at John Hopkins that took a look at our slides, so as soon as he gets that straightened out he will call me with what they suggest.

I looked into getting a service dog for Emerald. The one program has a three year wait, and another the minimum age for a child to have a dog is 14. They did suggest a limited service dog (or however they put it.) to give Emerald emotional support. I think this might be a good idea in the interium. She seems to slowly be losing her will to play with kids her age. She just doesn't know what to say or how to play with them exactly. I think going back to school in September will make a huge difference and this dog will help be her buddy also.

THANK YOU to everyone who voted for Ian. He was the winner of contest #3! I will post a picture of the picture we get for winning when it comes! I was so excited!

I got an email yesterday from a lady in TX who had been checking up on Allie. She was shocked (as am I!) to find a link to a 10 year old named Emerald (that is us) because HER daughter is also 10 and named Emerald! I just thought that was very cool. So now I joke and say we have a sattelite office in TX! LOL

Well, I must get back to cleaning up! I hope you all enjoy your day and thank you for checking on us and our friends. It means a lot!

Kimberly & Emerald

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Monday, July 19, 2004 9:08 AM CDT

Voting for Ian ends Tuesday at Midnight, so I will put this up one more time... maybe two!

Vote for Ian By Clicking Here!

Emerald told her dad the weirdest thing, she told me after her dad broght it up. I don't know why she was keeping it from me. She said that she was visited by an angel while she was sleeping. She said the Angel was Taylor and while she couldn't understand much of what she was saying, she felt she had come to her to thank her for the picture she drew her, which she drew before she passed, but didn't get sent until afterwards. It just kind of took me by suprise.

Things are going well here, Emerald got to see I Robot with her Dad yesterday. Then we played a game of Monopoly, Emerald and Shawn kept playing until it was certain that Shawn was going to win... he is pretty ruthless. She said she needed some tylenol and had a bad itching reaction to the tylenol #3. So I gave her some Benedryl and she fell asleep really quickly.

Anyway, nothing really new.. which is good, and bad.. eh? LOL

Please keep Sammi, who is recovering from her surgery, Allie who had a Stem Cell Transplant Saturday, and Isaac, and Celeste and Hanna. I am sure there are more. It is heartbreaking.

Thanks for checking on us!

Kimberly & Es

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Saturday, July 17, 2004 10:03 PM CDT

Please vote for Ian!

Shawn says I should tell people to vote for something important like voting in an election... LOL. To use my powers for good. I think getting a cute photo of a cute baby is good... LOL

This morning I took Ian to get his pictures taken. He did so good, smiled like his smiley little self. When I got home, Emerald and I headed out to see some garage sales, only it started downpouring and we had to go back home... We will try again in the morning. Then I got to meet the nicest people today.

I think I have a new friend. (Doing the happy dance.) Her name is Becky and her son Liam came over today. Liam is about the same age is Ian and very cute. He weighs the same as Anya!!! LOL Such a good temperment, he would have sat all day in my lap! I spoke with Emerald about going to the hands on museum in Ann Arbor and she wants to go really badly. Her eyes got all wide... "I LOVE GOING THERE. I HAVE BEEN THERE BEFORE!!!!", she said. So we will be going as soon as Becky has time. Hopefully, next weekend or the weekend after. Oh and Becky must be nice because Shawn usually says nothing when someone comes over. He would add things into the conversation, like Becky was someone we knew well. We had a great time. Thank you so much, Becky for coming over and spending time with us, even though my house is a disaster!

Now it is late, and I am tired. This crazy weather is messing with my head, making my sinuses hurt! I think I am going to bed early tonight.

Thank you for checking on Emerald and all the other kids. OH, OH, I almost forgot, Baby Allie got her stem cell transplant today. Please pray this works... she has many, many people praying for them, and could use many more! Leave them a message and tell them Emerald's mom sent you! LOL :)

Love,
Kimberly & Emerald

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Friday, July 16, 2004 8:04 PM CDT

Vote for my cutie!

Good evening everyone. My aunt Karol took Tristan and Anya for the weekend. How nice for me and Kelly! I miss Anya when she is gone. Now that Emerald spends her time sleeping on the couch and playing video games... I have no one to snuggle with me, and finally Anya has been wanting to snuggle with mom.

I am getting anxious to hear from Dr. Jallo. I really want to know what he has to say... so I can plan our next couple months. Oh well, I read somewhere... I think it was Kimbra and Dillion's site that you have no control over the future but you have control over the day... One day at a time, right. Nothing more I can do.

Emerald's counts were good today. She is feeling good, hasn't thrown up in two days. She even took off her own shirt last night. She has been attempting to do more and more. She walked with the walker to her appointment from the car and back, she was so mad at me for not bringing her wheelchair. She has a hard time remembering to lift up her right foot. She has to make such an effort. She stumbles a lot still. Just a couple weeks ago, she was walking so well, I never thought she might fall, now I fear that she will fall with me holding her up. It is like 50orse than it was, but it seems like it is getting a bit better.

Our friend Sammi had surgery, they removed all of the tumor. So far so good. Please keep them in your prayers. Celeste and Isaac can really use your prayers today. Isaac is an adorable little boy who got my heart the first time I read his site. He makes me hug my little boy a little tighter when I hold him... Celeste is like a long distance family member, what can I say? We love her. Cheyenne is feeling great, she says she is having feeling come back in her face. Great news. The prayers are working. She is Emerald's forever Friend. Also, Ray-Anne, has been feeling really good. Let that continue. She is another friend we really want to get out to see. Hopefully, soon.

Thank you for checking in on us and thank you for your prayers. The song on the site is breathing by lifehouse.

Here are the Lyrics.

Breathing by Lifehouse

I'm finding my way back to sanity again
Though I don't really know what
I'm going to do when I get there
Take a breath and hold on tight
Spin around one more time
And gracefully fall back to the arms of Grace

I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside heaven's door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be

I'm looking past the shadows
Of my mind into the truth and
I'm trying to identify
The voices in my head
God which one's you?
Let me feel one more time
What it feels like to feel
And break these calluses off me
One more time

'Cause I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside your door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be

I don't want a thing from you
Bet you're tired of me waiting
For the straps to fall
Off your table to the ground
I just want to be here now

'Cause I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside heaven's door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be

I am hanging on every word you say
And even if you don't want to speak tonight
That's alright, alright with me
'Cause I want nothing more than to sit
Outside heaven's door and listen to you breathing
Is where I want to be

Kimberly and Emerald.

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Thursday, July 15, 2004 4:24 PM CDT

Katherine Cross passed about today at 3:10 PM. :( Please keep them in your prayers and let them know.

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About the photo contest, if you haven't voted for Ian, please vote for him. I would really like him to win.

Vote A 10 For Ian!!

Hi everyone. Emerald has spent the day on the computer.

Did I tell everyone that Emerald got all A's on her report card? If I didn't, I am now! GREAT JOB ES! I am so proud of you!

Please keep our friend Sammi in your prayers. Her mom and dad have to decide whether to have her tumor biopsied or not. You can read her story here...Emerald's friend Sammi!

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Wednesday, July 14, 2004 1:42 PM CDT

Could you please vote for Ian in this baby photo contest. I would really like to have a big photo of him and if we win, I would get one for free. THANKS IN ADVANCE! You can vote once a day.

Vote for Ian


Hi, not much news on the health front. Emerald seems to be walking better! That makes me feel better. She had a tummy ache this morning and it miraculously disappeared when we go the mail today.

She got a package from Cheyenne, who Emerald says is her new best friend. I think they would be best friends if we lived near her. They seem to like many of the same things. She gets lots of boxes from people, but when she noticed who this one was from she snatched the box out of my hand... and it had a bit of weight to it! THANK YOU SO MUCH!

She also got a cool t-shirt from her chemo angel. It is from Emerald Isle, NC. Now, she has another place on her list of places to visit! Angel Penni sent information, too! So now, she has a list... LOL

I am feeling a bit better today. Gosh, I have been so tired, being a mom is hard work. I was explaining to Shawn how when his work gets too much, he can take a day off or at the very least he gets to come home at night and relax. Working out of your home doesn't allow that. You are always here. It is both good and bad... it allows me to be home with the kids, but at the same time... I have to be home with the kids... LOL.

Sometimes, I think that if I worked outside the home, it would be good, but I would miss the kids so much. I am thankful to be doing the job (mom and daycare) that I have wanted to do MY WHOLE LIFE. But sometimes, I need to go... away. I am going to try to take some time soon.

Back to cleaning up!

To the person who wrote the guestbook entry I deleted. Thank you so much for your attempt to minister to me and my family. I will take this time to point out that you will catch more flies with honey... you are welcome to try again with a more appropriate entry, anything I find inappropriate will also be deleted. Your words unfortunately make me question rather than hold comfort. I hope you understand, and may you never understand my struggle.

Kimberly and Emerald.

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Tuesday, July 13, 2004 10:13 AM CDT

This just in...

Dr. Jallo called and he will be presenting this to the people at the conference on Tuesday... It is a spinal cord tumor conference. So he will get back to me when he gets back.

Emerald also got her walker today, she uses it pretty well, dispite her not being able to walk very well without it. She gets tired out really quickly, but it has a seat so she can sit down. It isn't the prettiest, but if we decide to keep it, I guess we can jazz it up a bit. :)

Also, thanks to Hanna's mom, I started Emerald on Protocel today. I wanted to do it sooner, but the stuff isn't cheap, and now that she is on it, I will keep her on it. She wasn't too fond of the taste, but she did ok with it.

Thanks for the entries in the guestbook. I have been having a really rough day emotionally. Along with being tired, I have just HAD IT with cancer, and doctors, and having no answers. It is so very frustrating.

....................................

Well, our phone isn't working because Shawn chopped through it, no one can come out to fix it until tomorrow, so if you need to get a hold of me, please call my cell phone number 248-252-2590.

Emerald is feeling good except for the balance issues. She just has a difficult time walking, I have to asisst her at all times. I have to laugh because PT gave me a hard time when she came home from the hospital, but she could walk WAY better then, than she can now. Certainly, it is tumor related... I just hope it isn't permanent, but I am not getting my hopes up, seems like something is always getting taken away from us...

I know I say "us". I know it isn't "me". But I feel like a little part of me dies each time there is some loss with her. A bit of the quality of her life gone. It sucks. Someone told me that "it isn't about me." I beg to differ. What this cancer has done to me and our family, is 100bout me, about emerald, about our family. We are forever changed. We live with this HORROR constantly. Waiting to wake from this horrid dream. You know, it is a bit like a movie where you are shown where things are going because you took life for granted. I keep hoping that I will wake up, and it will be two years earlier and I will be able to play a bit and enjoy life with Emerald. Not that I didn't relish in it these years while it was happening... but suddenly, the ease of being able to go swimming, or to an amusement park, or even a graduation party where the kids all hang out together. She couldn't even follow the kids on her own. I can't even imagine how she felt... All I can tell you is that it broke my heart, it was so hard for ME, for her... gosh.

I close my eyes and think about Emerald running up to me, "momma, can I stay over at Katie and Lauren's?" No, I say, not today, besides it is Sunday, maybe next week. Now, she doesn't want to go. They would have her, she just can't get to the bathroom herself and she doesn't want others to see her, or have to help her.

I wished before that she didn't have to go to her dad's on the weekends. I would always get upset and cry. Not that I thought he didn't deserve to have her, too... just I missed her so much. She has always been a mama's girl. I would drive in my car and see a VW bug and look over to where she sits and she would be gone, at her Dad's, I would remember. Now, she never hardly goes with him. I know it hurts his feelings, or it did. She just wants to stay with me. I love her so much. I get so frustrated lately. It is so hard to be "ON" all the time. I would be a much better mom if I could score some me time. It never comes. No time for Shawn after I spend my whole day trying to give everything to the kids. I feel bad. I don't even feel like my own person anymore. I don't dream at night any more. I fall asleep and wake when I am called. My back aches, my head hurts. I yell too quickly, I am too sarcastic in my comments. I laugh, but not as often as I should. I am just so tired, and my heart is broken. I want her to play, that has been one of the only things that I have truely wanted for her, I want her to be able to play like the other kids. They never gave us a prognosis, they said, "years." But what is the good of having "years" if she can't do anything? I would gladly take 2 years of quality over 7 years of shit. Quality of life is a gift. I never knew it before, I guess I never thought of it. I took it for granted.

Emerald is at Physical therapy today, first time back in about 3 weeks, since she started having tumor related issues. I hope she had fun.

Dr. Settecerri told us that we are still holding off on the spinal fusion for another three mos at least or if she starts having problems. Good. Gives me time to work in this neurosurgry, please pray Dr. Jallo can help us.

Sorry for the long depressing post. I really needed to cry this morning... This life, is just getting to me.

Thanks for checking in on Emerald and the other kids.

Email always works and my cell phone until tomorrow.

Kimberly

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Saturday, July 10, 2004 10:38 PM CDT

NEW PICTURES!!! Click on the link after the main picture at the top of this page!

Today was a pretty perfect day for our family. But, first of all, I wanted to say that with sympathy, I have to report that Mo passed away this morning. There was a link to his site in my journal yesterday. Also, Katherine Cross is not doing too well. There is a link to her page in the link to Emerald's Friends at the top of this journal. Please show your support to these families as they are dealing with something that none of us should deal with.

Now, about our day. Besides Emerald being completely well, I couldn't have had a more perfect day with our girl. I will post the pictures tomorrow, so watch for them.

We got up and mailed off our mri stuff to Dr. Jallo's office, in Baltimore. As soon as we hear back, I will let you know what he says. I am real excited to hear what he has to say about Emerald's tumor.

Then we went down to Children's Hospital and got to meet Sammi and her mom, Ellen, and her dad and her brother and her grandma... and cute, talky Simone from across the hall. Emerald and Sammi didn't talk much... I think that shy girls need moms to be away so they can get to know one another better, so next time we will try to work that out. I hope they can get a diagnosis for Sammi, soon. I can't imagine having to go through all this and not have a clue to why and what exactly is going on. It is hard enough when you have the infomation! We WILL be visiting them again. Wyandotte just isn't that far!

After the visit with Sammi and her family we went to my Cousin Nicole's graduation party. I think I forgot to leave her card and it is in my purse. We will drop it by tomorrow if we have time. It didn't start out that well for us. Emerald seemed, I don't know.... a little depressed, maybe? Her cousins that she loves, Lauren and Katie were there and she really wanted to play with them. She can't really get around by herself especially since she started having balance problems. So she would just sit there and people would talk to her, but she didn't really respond. She played with her gameboy advance and just sat there.

Then she decided to take a chance.

She decided to try to get in the pool. She hasn't been in the pool since February 1, 2004. Just before her surgery. We didn't put up the little pool because we didn't want her to feel like we were dangling it in front of her nose. Anyway, it took a few grown men to get her up the ladder and into the pool, but once she was in there....

She could move like normal. She started out with a tube, and Shawn stayed close by. Soon she was holding her nose and jumping up in the water... it was amazing. I cried. She seemed so, so EMERALD. So many smiles. I wish we could live in the water. It allowed her to talk to and play with her cousins in a way that she hasn't been able to in a long time. Her quality of life was better than it had been in a long, long time.

After that, she and I walked up to the store and got a drink, she got powerade. As we were leaving, she said, "mom, I can't wait until Christmas so we can come back here."

We came home and she and I snuggled on the couch and watched our crazy neighbors lighting off fireworks (in a manufactured housing community for gawd's sake... what they are thinking... I have no idea.)

Then, she started watching TV and I held my sweet Ian until he fell asleep. It was so nice.

My house is still a mess and I don't care. She got sick last night, but that has been it. She is still feeling well tonight. I can't believe what a turn around we have had since the last day in the hospital.

Well, I am off to bed. Thanks for thinking of us and our friends. I know it means a lot to the parents to know that you visit their sites, so please leave a message in the guestbook, if you have the time.

Oh and Emerald has suddenly planned a trip to TX to see Cheyenne. Hmmm.... if only we could actually go. She just doesn't understand why we can't just drive over to Texas when we go to Disney. LOL. I wish with all my heart that I had enough money to visit everyone we want to.

Life is too precious to spend WORKING.

Love,
Kimberly & Emerald.

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Friday, July 9, 2004 9:54 AM CDT

Guess what? NO VOMITING IN THE LAST 24 HOURS! I am doing the happy dance, probably jinxed her... LOL

She has also had NO PAIN MEDICATION since the night she came home from the hospital! I am still happy dancing!

She is having trouble with balance, I am trying to chalk it up to the anti nausea meds, and the anti seizure stuff, so we will see if she adjusts to it. Hopefully, she won't need the anti nausea too much longer.

I forgot to add this yesterday, thank so much to Rene's family. During the Independence Day activities they were there to help us out, with ALL of my kids. Rene is great with Anya and Ian both. Rene's Dad bought the kids these light up toys for during the fireworks, and all of our families sat together. It was nice. Emerald even commented on it. So thank you.

Well, I am trying to get rid of a bunch of stuff in my house. Need to get cleaning. I can't seem to find a good way to store all these kids toys... we have so many because of the daycare. Need to come up with a solution!

Our friend Sammi Sammi is in the hospital, please keep her in your prayers, as well as Mo and his family. He is at the end of his journey. Please keep them in your thoughts and prayers.

Kimberly

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Thursday, July 8, 2004 10:43 AM CDT

Hi everyone. Finally getting a chance to check in.

Ellen (Sammi's mom) I am going to call later on today when I get a minute. Been trying to work things out and didn't get your message to call until last night.

Well, it turns out that Emerald had some virus probably and she had thrush, she was also really dehydrated. So the fever could have been from the dehydration or a virus, her blood and urine cultures came back negative, so who knows.... not them!

I contacted a neurosurgeon from John Hopkins, he is considered one of the best in the world apparently, I emailed him and he emailed back to send our stuff to him before I even thought to check for it! How wonderfully quick! So I will be sending those out, will let you know what he says.

We also are sending Emerald's stuff to a neuro oncologist at St. Jude. Will let you know what they say with them, too.

Emerald is feeling OK. She is a bit dizzy from the tylenol 3 they gave her, and they also changed her anti seizure med to one that makes her a bit drowsy until she gets used to it. She is not in any pain anymore and aside from the tiredness and nausea from the chemo she just finished, she is ready to go out and have a ball! LOL, I guess this means movies and stuff!

Over the 4th of July weekend, we saw fireworks and got rained on at a parade, aside from the hospital visit, I would say it was pretty good. She also went to a scrap booking class and is there now, making pages to keep her memories!

Thanks to Lisa Barrett and Daisy Tang for your generousity. Lisa-Emerald LOVES all the things you send her. She loved the cat, she even gave a little yell when she opened it. Daisy- Emerald is just waiting to the stuff you sent. We didn't bring it to the hospital with us, or she would have done it there... (I just thought about that now!) Also, your generous gift was VERY much appreciated. Emerald has plans on what we can use it for!

Thanks for checking on Emerald, make sure you visit some of Emerald's other friends as well. All of us parents & children need support and prayers.

Thank you to silver springs for waiving my late charge. I totally forgot that I had rent due, and I was trapped at the hospital anyway, didn't dawn on me til it was too late!

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Wednesday, July 7, 2004 7:50 PM CDT

We are home... finally. Will post more in the morning.

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Tuesday, July 6, 2004 9:50 AM CDT

Update for MRI results.

The tumor showed slight insignificant growth. They are gathering her record to send them to St. Jude, not sure yet what else I have to do to make it happen.

I am so frustrated, the radiation obviously did NOTHING. Did not shrink the tumor at all. What a waste of time.

Is the Temodar supposed to work right away, because it did nothing after the first round. It has continued to grow obviously.

I don't know what to do now.

KM

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Tuesday, July 6, 2004 7:48 AM CDT

Before I give the latest news, I apologize for going without an update for so long. I was waiting for the MRI results. Still haven't gotten anything back, I just called and they said the radiologist hadn't signed off on it yet.

For the last couple days Emerald has been complaining of a sore thoat. We looked on July 4th and sure enough it looked like an infection. I tried taking her to an after hours clinic, but they weren't open on July 5th. I got there too late. So I called her oncologist and he said to take her to the ER.

When we got there they decided to admit Miss Emerald, so gave her an IV (she cried) and finally took us up to the room about 10:30 pm. Because she has a fever (therefore indicating infection) we get our own luxery suite. ;) You can call us in her room 1(248)898-4717. When they initially put her IV in they put it in her left arm. Since it is the only one she can use to feed herself and scratch her itches, I asked if they could move to the right, and they did. Emerald was quite a trooper. It looks like she has thrush, waiting for the results of the strep test. They had to swab her, and at first, she wasn't letting them, she clamped her mouth shut and wouldn't open it. But, two minutes later, let them. I am still waiting for the results to that.

I am currently at home, Rene is at the hospital with her. She still had a sore throat this morning, but seems to be in good spirits.

I am starting to get frustrated. I mean, just as she was getting stronger, it seems she has suddenly had a set back. I signed her up for a scrapbooking class that she wanted to take, we went to the first day, and I spent a bunch of money on supplies and she gets admitted to the hospital. When does she get to have fun? Anyway... I just wish her quality of life was better.

Oh and she now has BRIGHT RED HAIR. Keri was supposed to finish it last night, but of course, we were at the hospital, I will take a picture as soon as I can.

Thanks for keeping us in your thoughts and prayers. If you have any questions feel free to phone or email me. If you have some free time, I really could use some help with the daycare kids AND Anya and Ian until she gets home from the hospital, because I would rather be there with her, but because I still have to work, I have to be home unless Shawn is here. (I want to add that just because I have asked online here, doesn't mean someone actually helps me.) Sheila takes Anya sometimes, and Christian's Mom cleans for me a couple times a month. Chrissy, Katie, and Kay will babysit if I really need them, and they aren't working. My sisters and mom help when they can, but basically no one is busting down the doors to help us. If you have time, PLEASE JUST STOP OVER AND GIVE US A MINUTE.

Also, thank you to everyone who has sent stuff for Emerald recently. It really means a lot and is very nice.. she gets so excited!

Thanks again!

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Friday, July 2, 2004 10:44 PM CDT

Hi everyone.

Thanks to everyone who prayed for Emerald today (and everyday!) We won't have the results back until probably Tuesday.

On a good note her platelet count was up to over 600 today, so we can begin chemo tonight.

We went to the fireworks in our town tonight and Emerald got one of those rings that flash. We had brought two daycare kids and our three, to Kelly's house. It was a little busy, but the kids were really well behaved! We all had fun.

Our friend Allie got wonderful news yesterday, she is in remission! I just think this is wonderful, when I found out Allie (who is the same age as my Ian) was sick, I cried all night long, so this is really great news!

Please keep Cheyenne and Celeste in your prayers, also. Cheyenne finished her new chemo round, and is having some pain. She is such a trooper, and we are so proud of her. Celeste is having a rough time, and I can read it in Tami's posts that it is rough for everyone. It is so hard to watch another person go through all this.

I am whipped, need to sleep. Spent way too much time today, crying and worrying. Going to my parents tomorrow night to see fireworks and spend some time with my brothers and sisters.

Congratulations also to my friend Tina who recently got engaged. Hopefully, we will see her tomorrow as well.

Thanks,
Kimberly

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Thursday, July 1, 2004 9:13 PM CDT

Hi everyone, Emerald has not puked in 24 hours... YIPPPY!!!!! Now that is something to excited about. She seems like she is feeling a bit better, although the antinausea medication makes her feel like she is kind of drunk.

MRI TOMORROW AT 2 PM

Please keep her in your prayers. I really need some good news. So many kids have recently got bad news or tumor growth and I am so scared.

Something odd happened today, I finally got a call back from Children's Hospital where I had gotten a second opinion. They had taken XRAYs of Emerald's neck a few weeks ago. They called today and said that her neck "was fine." I am stunned. The doctor I am supposed to actually speak with is out of town until July 11th, but this is good news. That much longer we can put off surgery, right?

Please keep our friend Hanna in your prayers. She has been having some symptoms lately, and her MRI news wasn't good. She has endured so much in her short life and really needs the extra attention, so if you could stop in on Hanna and Tammy and give them support, I know I would appreciate it.

For all the caringbridge friends who sign our guestbook and check in on us, I read your journals every day. Lately it has been just too much to read and write something to keep up spirits... I am really anxious, I didn't even want to update now, just want to spend my energy worrying... Lots of good that does, right?

Celeste, & Cheyenne, & Lakota & Allie and all the other caringbridge families who need your support and prayers. Please check in on them, and say a little prayer to keep them all safe. We all need to be blessed with some miracles right about now.

We need good news. Please let this be nothing serious...

Kimberly

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Wednesday, June 30, 2004 8:24 AM CDT

Update Emerald has an MRI scheduled for Friday at 2 PM.

Goodmorning.

OK, Rite Aid has given me 4 pills to help stop her nausea, it has worked OK. She has only thrown up twice since I last logged in. They are working on authorization from the doctors office to the insuance company to get them paid for otherwise, I will be forced to pay for them myself... someone on my soap board gave me some links to look at to help get them paid for (thank you!) and will go that route if need be.

She has an MRI scheduled for July 11th. They are working really hard still on getting one for sooner, Emerald DOES NOT want to be admitted into the hospital. I know it would get things over faster, but being admitted would make things rough on my family...

She still is having some head/neck pain, but seems like she can handle it better today. She also seems like she isn't walking as well, and can't lift her right arm as easily as she could.

I just hope it is something easy. Please pray that it is. She was doing so well, and getting so strong. We need her to get as strong as possible so she can have another surgery.

She should be getting a walker this week. That would be helpful for her.

Everything else is OK. I have been working more this week. For instance this morning kids were dropped off at 3, 4, 9. (more kids at 2) and the new kids I have didn't get picked up until 1 am last night... so I am a bit tired. Of course, I can sleep when they are sleeping overnight, but I just don't sleep as well, knowing I am responsible for those kids.

Have a great day, and please keep praying for Emerald and all the kids who need it. Allie needs prayers, Celeste and Cheyenne need prayers. Katherine also needs prayers. Mitch needs prayers, too. Just TOO MANY it breaks my heart.

Love,
Kimberly

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Monday, June 28, 2004 11:06 AM CDT

Just a quick update...

Because of the vomiting and the increased head/neck pain, they want to do another MRI ASAP. If the wait is too long for the MRI, they are going to admit her to the hospital to get the MRI sooner and help to get her rehydrated. The poor kid is so hungry, and is afraid to eat anything, because she will just puke it up.

Please keep her in your prayers, I will keep you updated.

Kimberly

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Saturday, June 26, 2004 5:30 PM CDT

I borrowed this from Celeste's site. Someone said something to me last week that really had me upset. I won't say what they said, but it had me thinking all week... "Are they right?" After much careful thought, I realize no, they aren't right. They just don't get it.

Ten Suggestions From One Who Hurts To One Who Cares

by Jayne Buckles, Parents for Parents

1. Don't avoid me. Tragedy is not contageous. If you are uncomfortable with me because you don't know what to say, then give me a hug and tell me that you care.

2. Don't ask me 'Isn't it wonderful what doctors can do these days?' It is, but this sounds trite and means very little.

3. Avoid telling me your own related instances unless you feel that it can be of very specific comfort. It grows tiresome to listen to everybody's story and their insistence on telling them comes across as an attempt to diminish the validity of my individual pain.

4. Don't talk too much. Conversation can become a wearing effort when I have other things on my mind.

5. Don't ask me how I am unless you really want to know. Once you ask, be prepared to listen. When I am hurting I have a great need to talk about my situation with someone who is truly willing to listen. Don't be suprised if this need continue much longer than you expect - it is suprising how long it can take to work completely through the intense emotions that accompany grief, tragedy or trial.

6. Be patient with my moods. Sometimes nothing you or anyone says or does will be the right thing and I need your assurance that my grumpiness won't keep you from continuing to try to minister to me.

7. Be willing to spend time with me. A comfortable, companionable silence is refreshing.

8. Find a way to let your love and concern show. It is so easy for me to feel very alone because many who care presume that I know that. I need to be reminded of your caring - often ! Send a card or flower, pick up the phone, stop by, whatever is appropriate, but let your love and concern show.

9. Allow me to hurt. Sometimes I need someone to cry with me more than I need someone to cheer me up.

10. If it fits for you, PRAY - often and specifically. I am always happy to provide specific information for you to pray about.

Emerald is having a fun day today, her friend Noelle came by, that always gets Emerald excited. They made sand art pictures from a kit that she got from Nanna Sheila. Then Anya got into the sand and dumped it all over the carpet. (Thanks Anie...) Es is going to go with her dad to the movies in a bit. It should be nice for the two of them.

Ian today had the rocking chair on the hard kitchen floor and was walking and pushing it along. Remember the child is only 6 mos old. He isn't supposed to be walking yet... LOL.

I made soap and bathbombs today. Rarely do I have a chance to get them done. Today I did. All soap sales will benefit me and the kids taking a trip to California to see our friend Lisa, and Ray Anne and her mom... and my uncle Jim and aunt Patti.

Aside from that Emerald is feeling better today, no getting sick, thankfully.

She has two chemo Angels... One we just met the other day, Donna, she sent her a scrap book and stuff to go in it... and the other is Penni, who sends her something AT LEAST every other day. At first she was interested but because she doesn't know them, she didn't really "get" that they were going to keep sending things. Now she knows who they are and gets extra excited when she sees something in the mail from them. She also has a card Angel... shoot, can't remember her name off hand... my bad. She loves getting mail.. I love watching her face when she gets it. It is great for us all!

Please keep our friends in your prayers. We want nothing more than ALL of our friends and other children (and adults) to be cured of this horrid disease.

Love,
Kimberly & Es

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Friday, June 25, 2004 10:19 PM CDT

Emerald finally stopped puking today about noon. She actually got some food in her. She is feeling much better.

Here is a computer question. Why do I keep getting a log in box in the guestbook pages of our guestbook and a few other caringbridge friends? Some of them don't have it, and I can just X it out. I am just kind of confused as to why it keeps coming up.

It is late and I just wanted to let everyone know that Emerald was feeling better and we will have info for donating blood on Monday.

Someone emailed me today saying they would do a blood drive in Emerald's name in Ann Arbor. After I email the lady back and get the info, I will let everyone know.

Talk to you soon!

Kimerly and Es.

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Thursday, June 24, 2004 5:42 PM CDT

7:36 PM-Update, she just got sick AGAIN. I don't know what is going on with her, but this just isn't right. She hasn't kept ANYTHING down today. Every single thing has come back up...

.............................................

Whew... what a day I have had.

I had an appointment this morning and I had to take all the kids. So, I take them, no big deal, right, they are, after all, my kids. It was an appointment for them anyway...LOL Ian is in the -5 percentile for height and weight both. The kid is a peanut!

Emerald threw up in the middle of the office I was in. She seemed like she was OK, so we left there to go to her oncologists office. She threw up in the car on the way there, no problem, I stopped at my friend Andrea's house and we got a change of clothes (THANK YOU, Andrea!) We were soon on our way. I get out of the car, go into the building and she throws up AGAIN. So I take the kids to the desk, get out paperwork and take it into the doctors office.

For some reason, while trying to drag Anya with only one shoe, after stealing her juice out of my bag, the baby in the carseat and Emerald holding a huge paper bag with a plastic grocery bag in it... all at once, I started crying. Usually there is no one in the oncology office when we go, usually first thing in the morning. Today there were three different moms, when I started crying they all jumped up and tried to help. Some lady gave me a huge hug and grabbed the baby, another opened the door. When I looked around, they were ALL crying, too. I just know, they knew what I was feeling.

Anyway, so we got her blood counts done and her platlets were too low (64) so they couldn't start chemo today. We will try again next week. Hopefully, they don't drop more, and they go up. We need them to be 100 in order to start. Everything else looked ok. Emerald, of course is thrilled that she doesn't have to start this week... if it goes down to 20, she needs a transfusion. Hopefully, it will go back up.

Oh, and her blood type is A , I am not certain on how you start the process at the blood bank, but if you are interested in donating blood for Emerald (and for other kids who might need it... PLEASE LET ME KNOW)

We also went to see her orthopedic surgeon (Settecerri) and he said she can go back to Rehab, and in addition, she can go into the pool with her collar.... she is VERY EXCITED about that.

Please keep our friends Cheyenne and Celeste and Mitch and Isaac in your prayers. You can get to their sites by clicking on the link just above the journal date.

OH and today, I got 4 free tickets in the mail for the movies. Thank you to Kris Guerro for writing to ask for them. Emerald was really excited to see the card and the tickets today... especially after such a rough day.

OK, enough for today...

Love,
Kimberly & Es

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Wednesday, June 23, 2004 9:28 PM CDT

Hi everyone.

Nothing new on the medical front today.

I had an appointment this morning to make certain all the kids had insurance, and had to drag FOUR kids with me. It used to be that I would have to carry the baby and hold Anya's hand... now I put Anya and Emerald's lap, and carry the baby and make certain the daycare kid I take is coming along too, while I push the wheelchair. It isn't fun. Nobody seems to envy me either... LOL

Emerald had her last of school today. She is excited.

Aside from that NOTHING happened really today. I guess that is a good thing.

Thanks for thinking of us, and please continue to pray. Emerald has an appt with her oncologist in the morning and her orthopedic surgeon in the afternoon. Please pray that there is a change for the better with her neck. I would like to put off this surgery for as long as we can.

Emerald also starts her next round of chemotherapy tomorrow night at bedtime. Her insurance only allows us to have 15 antinausea meds every 30 days. Every 28 days she starts another round of chemo. Does anyone see a problem with this? It is $138.00 for 10. Ugh.

(prepare for rant...) it is like how they won't pay for decogestants for my younger kids. I guess they figure that the antibiotics will take care of the infection, but what about the 2 days of continuous SNOT??? Wouldn't that have the potential for getting Emerald sick?

OH and I forgot, Anya has croup. She suddenly started sounding really horrible when she was breathing in. So I had Shawn come home from work to take her to the ER, because she had been fine for the two weeks prior to this, and I was afraid that she might have swallowed something... if you knew her you would understand where I am coming from... LOL Anyway, after 8 xrays, they decided that there wasn't anything in her lungs (thank GOD), they gave her a steroid and she is feeling much better.

Well need to get up early tomorrow.

Will update tomorrow night!

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Tuesday, June 22, 2004 10:30 AM CDT

Hi everyone.

I just got a call from rehab where Emerald is with my mom. I guess she was having some pain, so they stopped physical therapy and won't treat her again until she has the doctors OK.

Honestly, I don't know what to think about this. Emerald wakes up every morning with some neck pain... and we give her tylenol and she is fine until just around bedtime. So, MOST of the day she is pain free. This morning she woke up and said she needed her tylenol and about 15 minutes later was sick and threw up. So she really didn't get the tylenol. She wasn't still complaining so I figured if she needed it, she would get some and just come home early. Anyway, so now she has to go in for a recheck with Dr. Settecerri.

The problem lies with the sugery, if they decide she NOW needs the surgery... (which she needed two months ago, but didn't need a month ago... and would need it now?) Do we let them? I have some serious issues with this. First of all, she has started chemo, based on the holding off the surgery, and second, I want to make sure they try to get more tumor out if they are going to fuse her neck. I won't even accept any other ideas at this point. Based on her last MRI, the tumor wasn't doing anything but maybe GROWING... chemotherapy doesn't cure the tumor, it might shrink it temporarily or make it not grow right now, but what about later? The only hope we even have is if they decide to try to get more out, at least from my perspective.

Anyway, this is all based on "what if's". I need a clear path on what the right thing to do is. I called Dr. Sood's office this morning, they are supposed to call me back, oddly, they couldn't seem to find the xrays she just had taken, so I am losing confidence in them. A few other people I would like to call to get this sorted out, if she needs another surgery, I don't want it to be at here... As if dealing with the cancer crap isn't enough. I feel like I constantly am at odds with the doctors trying to get her the best care.

Grr...

I will update when I get more information.

Kimberly

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Sunday, June 20, 2004 10:19 PM CDT

Hi everyone, sorry it took me so long to update.

We had a fun weekend. On Saturday we went to the zoo. The kids had fun, the grown ups got tired, and also had fun. We went out for ice cream, the slept like we ran a marathon... LOL.

On Sunday we went out to my parents for Father's Day, and then we went to Shawn's Brother's (Uncle Chad's) wife's parent's house. (LOL) Where we got to spend a nice day with Liz and Bill LaKritz (and all of Shawn's great family)at their beautiful house with a gorgeous view. Thank you for inviting us.

Emerald is looking good. Rarely getting sick. She is finally done with school on Friday. So she is feverishly trying to get done the rest of the work that needs to be done. She passes either way, it is a matter of grades though.

We have a tentative date set for Emerald's benefit on August 29th. I will let you know more details as I find them out myself. If anyone has any experience in concert type deals please email me emislema@yahoo.com, and I will forward your email to my sister who is putting this together. She is having a rough time.

Thank you for visiting and keeping Emerald in your thoughts and prayers. Please pray for our friend Cheyenne, who got the MRI results and they are pretty certian it is tumor growth.. And please keep in your prayers our buddy Craiggy... who is awaiting his scan results, hopefully we will get the info Monday.

I am adding children to our friend list as I visit them, but it takes time to actually update the list, so if your child isn't listed please feel free to email me and ask if you want them on it.

Have a wonderful day.

Love,
Kimberly & Es

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Friday, June 18, 2004 7:47 AM CDT

I got a message from an online friend today. Ken and Fran used to sign our guestbook, but instead now email to give support. Anyway... Their Grandson, Brandon Long, collasped as he was running across a playground and they were unable to get him back. Fran isn't handling it so well... I can't say I would either... PLEASE keep this family in your prayers.

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Emerald is doing well, she has been a happy, silly kid for the last week. She said that she wants to practice getting up off the floor. She has been expanding the things she can do. I think she is tired of waiting for things to get back to normal.

She is also very excited because the social worker at Rehab is looking into helping us get a service dog for Emerald. I will keep everyone updated about it.

Her blood counts looked good last week. One more week off before we start chemo again. Speaking of chemo. Emerald's chemoangel is sweet, so far, she has gotten some thing in the mail every day. She said she really liked getting stuff in the mail from her, and feels like she should send something back.... LOL.

I want to thank my cousin Karyn for sending us a card in the mail. I want to add that Emerald is already planning out her "fun". So thank you so much. It was the ONLY thing that came in the mail box that day. No bills, no junk, just that. THANK YOU.

Two days ago, Ian stood up. I thought it was a fluke, NOPE, he can do it. The little bugger turned 6 mos old yesterday and can pull to a stand. Darn they grow so fast.

Anyway, will add more later if I think of anything. PLEASE SIGN OUR GUESTBOOK!

Kimberly

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Tuesday, June 15, 2004 7:43 AM CDT

Yesterday, we got up in the morning and we got a package in the mail. She was excited to open it, it was from her chemoangel. Two beanie babies (she loves beanie babies.) She was instructed to pick one of them to give to Anya. But Anya keeps giving it back to her (LOL) she isn't used to getting stuff. So Emerald is keeping them both safe.

I went to pick up the mail and there was a box from one of my soap friends. A big box filled with lots of stuff. Boy was she excited. She rarely gets anything these days, a few cards a month. Anyway, she got 2 packages and she was excited.

So we decided to go pick up the stuff from the Make a Child Smile Post Office Box. Holy Toledo! I needed both hands to carry that stuff out.

Needless to say, she felt very loved yesterday. She was really liking the cards other kids sent. Some kids are around her age, and they are so honest when they talk to her. The people who donated her POBOX at the UPS store are great! Their daughter made Emerald a card, she was telling her about a friend she has with no hands and how she still swims. Emerald read that over and over. It has been really hard for her to adapt... she wants things back to normal. She wants to swim. This card sent hope. Her smile was that much brighter after reading that.

We have also been talking about getting a dog for Emerald. I am hard of hearing and Emerald can't tend to her personal needs by herself. So if we can get a service dog to help us out, I think it would do her a lot of good. Of course the cost is terribly prohibitive, so I don't know if we can pull this off, but I think it could really help her, with getting me, helping Emerald pick stuff up and with her self esteem. She has been having trouble opening up to people. If anyone has any advice regarding this, please email me.

Emerald is at rehab with my mom again today. Yesterday, she made little pizza's and was selling them to the therapists.... LOL. Then she conned my mom into taking her to Toys R Us, and she bought her a whole bunch of play makeup. She put makeup on Anya, on Tristan, on herself, she even wanted to put it on me, but I had to draw the line somewhere!

She needs to get in and get her hair done again. I think she said something about making it black this time... I don't know how I feel about that!

She has lost a lot of weight after being on those steroids. There are parts of her body that are forever changed... well, until she at least fills out there like she would normally as she grows, that is the upside to this. She would get bigger anyway, so even though there are parts that are stretched out, and don't look quite normal now, they will in the future.

I have been crying a lot lately. I read about the other kids and it makes me feel so much. I can feel (and understand) the urgency in needed prayers. The hopes that they have complete healing here with us, and it is sometimes almost too much. I can't believe the strength that all these parents have... then I will get an email saying how strong people think I am. Gosh, I feel like I am struggling to get up sometimes. I am dragging myself on my knees to move around. But at the same time, I feel so ALIVE. Life is happening, I am here, my kids are here, and I GET to love on them all I want. It is sweetness. It is life. I am happy.

Please keep in your prayers my Uncle George. He is having some trouble with his lungs. (That is a terrible understatement... but I don't really know more than I understand from what my mom told me) I guess he had pneumonia that they didn't find for about three weeks and now he has to stay in the hospital, and they are draining one of his lungs. This is probably the last thing our family needs right now. It has been a rough two years. Anyway, please keep us in your prayers.

Kimberly and Es

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Sunday, June 13, 2004 8:07 PM CDT

We went to meet a couple mom's with babies my baby's age. It was so nice talking to other moms. Makenzi and Austin were just adorable and Tommy was very sweet, he didn't even get that mad when Ian pulled his hair (Sorry!). It was really nice to meet Dawn and Renee! Hopefully, we can get together again.

Emerald went to the movies with her dad tonight. They are going to see Shrek 2, I think. She wanted me to come, but I am so tired. I spent the whole morning cleaning up for a daycare client (I usually don't do any cleaning on the weekends...) and guess what? She didn't call or show up. Well, the bright side is that my house is clean!

Emerald has rehab in the morning, and I have an appt to see if she is eligible for Social Security, that would take the pressure off of our family, that's for sure. If it works otu, it works out, if not... I guess it doesn't.

I will talk to you all later.

Kimberly

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Saturday, June 12, 2004 8:42 PM CDT

Hi everyone. We went to the Detroit Festival of the Arts today. We had a good time, the kids got to do a lot of the children's activities. Usually, we go and look around and eat, THEN do the children's activities, and we miss a lot of them because they close before we are done, but after 3 years of going, we finally figured out to do the children's stuff first. Worked out great. (So we are a little slow!)

Now, Emerald is doing some needlepoint stuff that she wanted to buy. She also wants to try her hand at crochet. So we bought some stuff for that. I wish I had more time to teach her, but every time we get involved in something, I get summoned by one of the other kids or Shawn.

I am working on getting all of the other kids I have come to know on Emerald's Friends webpage, so I will let you know when I have that finished.

I hope everyone is having a good weekend!

Kimberly

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Thursday, June 10, 2004 8:58 PM CDT

Hello.

Emerald did OK at Rehab today. She did not throw up today either. Her stomach was a bit upset, but that was it. She was even up to doing school. (YEA!)

If you could please keep in your prayers our friend Celeste. She is at the beach and is having a few (they think) tumor related issues. Please visit her site to read about her. She is the cutest thing ever! She is taking Decadron, (like Emerald was) and she has the cutest cheeks. Emerald is always very interested in what is going on with Celeste. When I told her the news, she made me read the whole thing to her.

Anya is 99etter, no more boogers... THANK HEAVENS. She refuses to wear a hair tie and has long hair... you can only imagine. Daily baths were not enough.

Ian still seems raspy. He isn't puking anymore, but then again, I am only giving him breastmilk and nothing else. When I try to give him something he spends the next 24 hours spitting it up. Poor kid. I see another doctor visit in his future!

Emerald has another two weeks of school. We have the longest school year ever... LOL.



Hugs to everyone... PLEASE LEAVE US A MESSAGE!! We like to see who visits.

Kimberly and Es

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Wednesday, June 9, 2004 10 AM est

Hi everyone, hopefully, it will be a nice, quiet, sprinkler and popsicle day for us here, it is supposed to be hot.

The swat team was in our neighborhood again last night looking for that guy. It is so nice to feel trapped in your homes,lol. I hope they found him, but I doubt they did. We could be without that kind of excitement!

Emerald finally got her neck xray yesterday. We are waiting for the doctor to call us regarding that. Maybe she is healed, it would be a miracle, but those happen, right? She hasn't even needed motrin very often for her neck, and this has been since this last weekend.

They upped Emerald's anti seizure medication last night, so now she is taking 225 mg twice daily. We will know in a couple days if it is controlling her twitching. She has been much less dizzy, but has a little bit of a tummy ache in the mornings. I gave her meds right when she got up and she threw them up within a couple minutes... I had to give her a whole 'nother set later on, when she had less of a tummy ache. Teaches me... LOL.

It is 10 AM here and all my kids are sleeping still. I am enjoying the quiet.

Thank you to Lela Barker (Tate) for donating to CaringBridge in Emerald's name. What a wonderful and worthy cause. I was so suprised to get the letter in the mail yesterday!

Also thanks to Janice, who I used to nanny for, for calling yesterday to check on us. Emerald and I have some great memories with Janice and her kids. We all went to Jamaica. It was so nice. We had a blast. Emerald always wanted to go back, she has begging me since she was 4! I miss hanging out with them...

Last thing, I we have a new friend Ray-Anne and her mom. Ray-Anne has an inoperable brain tumor, so please keep her in your prayers. She currently doing well.

Thanks checking on us and PLEASE leave us a message in the guest book!

Kim & Es

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Monday, June 7, 2004 7:03 PM CDT

Hi all.

Emerald had a really good day at PT today. After being out all last week, she is feeling much better.

Please keep the following kids/families in your prayers/thoughts:

Tristan, my nephew, he fell down the stairs and has a closed head injury. He cried all the way to PT with Emerald this morning. Kelly took him to the ER (Because the dr. office said to.) and they said to give him motrin and watch him.

Riley Fox's family. Riley Fox is the little girl in IL that was taken from her home and then found murdered a few miles from her home. Her cousin is part of my very supportive soap board. Please keep them in your prayers. I know they are really hurting right now. As hard as it is to deal with cancer and all that goes with it, I can't even imagine if I didn't have the time I have to spend with Emerald, just loving her. My heart aches for this family.

A fellow babycenter mom and her daughter. Allie has AML and isn't doing too well.

Anya if feeling a lot better. Ian is alright. The poor kid has been puking up his food for the last two days. He had all but stopped spitting up since he started Zantac. Now, he is suddenly spitting up again, and I don't know if it is because he is sick or what. The prednisone I am sure, isn't helping. He is probably feeling so hungry, then he eats too much and spits up. That is all I can think of. I am feeling much better, too.

I will update again tomorrow, thank you to everyone who has signed our guestbook.

Hey, if you like country music, you can do a google search for one of our guestbook signers... Kevin Montgomery. He wants to play at our benefit Keri is putting together in August. Check out his new song. Also, keep him and his family in your prayers. He and his wife lost their daughter not too long ago, and I am sure your prayers will be appreciated.

OK, that is it for now, need to give Ian some attention.

Love,
Kimberly & Es

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Saturday, June 5, 2004 8:06 PM CDT

Hello! Well, Emerald is feeling a bit better.

I took Anya and Ian to the doctor this morning. Ian has ear infections and a sinus infection and bronchiolitis (sp?) Anya just has the sinus infection. So they got decogestants, amoxillian, and Ian got albuteral, and prednisone. Poor baby. They weighed him with his clothes on and he was 11.9, he was 12.3 naked 3 weeks ago.

Why can't everyone just get well?

Anyway, that didn't end our excitment for the evening. Some guy who killed a police officer was staying with a friend about 5 houses down from us. I couldn't get to my house this morning and Shawn, Es, and a daycare kid couldn't leave. I had just gone grocery shopping, I ended up putting it in Kelly's fridge until it was over, good thing I did. It was about 3 hours. They blew up the door of the house and the guy wasn't even there. All that, for nothing.

Anyway, my baby needs me.

Hope everyone has a good weekend.

Kimberly & Es

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Friday, June 4, 2004 7:53 AM CDT

We are all sick here, Emerald has a sinus infection, and I am guessing that is what the kids and I have as well.

I will have to take them to the doctor.

Anyway, that is it for now, I am just too tired and not feeling well.

Thanks
Kimberly

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Thursday, June 3, 2004 12:32 AM CDT

They didn't say anything about her passing out, (the doctors that is) I was going to take her down to children's to get her neck x-ray, but didn't have time. They did a chest x-ray and thankfully, it is clear, so they think she just has a sinus infection.

She will start on antibiotics tonight.

She is feeling much better since I started making her eat.

Hopefully, that is all that is causing the problems. They didn't give me the numbers for her blood count and I didn't think to ask. I will next week.

Anya is going with her Gramma tomorrow. (I need the break! She needs to one on one time....)

Oh and I wanted to thank Keri for watching Tristan, Anya and Ian so me and Kelly, and Shawn, and Rene, and Emerald could go to the movies on Monday night. And thanks to Rene for buying the popcorn for everyone!

Kimberly & Es

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Thursday, June 3, 2004 4:23 AM CDT

This morning Es got up and needed to use the bathroom. I took her to the bathroom, she got up and then she started yelling that she felt dizzy. So I grabbed her to help her sit down. Before she could sit, she passed out. She was breathing, I checked, so I straightened her out and ran for Shawn. By the time I got back, about 30 seconds later, she was awake again. We took her back to the couch.

I am guessing that yesterday morning she wasn't just dizzy. She must have passed out for a minute, because she didn't remember how she got on the floor yesterday either.

How do you not panic when this happens. Luckily, it wasn't like that time at the mall when she passed out, I kept my head and got her laying down. It was when she woke up and was back on the couch I got upset.

Anyway, it is 5:30 Here. So me and Emerald decided since she is feeling better, and yesterday after it happened it didn't happen again until now, that we would wait to go to her appt at 9 instead of going to the ER.

She did eat more today, than yesterday. She ate a small bowl of cherrios, a few bites of soup, a few bites of pizza and some coke.

I will update when we get back from the doctor's office.

Kimberly & Es

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Wednesday, June 2, 2004 9:31 AM CDT

Emerald has barely eaten anything in the last day. She drank some coke, ate half of a sucker and then ate 1/2 of a baby carrot.

She goes to the doctor tomorrow at 9 am. In addition, she still feels sick, keeps asking for the zofran, and when she stood up in the bathroom, she fell down because she was dizzy. (I can't imagine why, she hasn't eaten anything.)

They told me if she is still dizzy later today to take her to the ER for a blood count.

She is coughing up green stuff really bad, we had her checked out when it first started but her lungs were clear, so they weren't worried, now she seems like she has an infection, at least to me.

Anyway, that is our update today, please pray that she is feeling better quickly.

Love,
Kimberly & Es

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Tuesday, June 1, 2004 7:41 AM CDT

Whooo HOOOO Emerald had her last pill for chemo this round, last night. Now, I will feel better for a few weeks, I feel like I am poisoning her by giving it to her... I cry myself to sleep every night.

Emerald hasn't felt very good since last night, the nausea hits her on and off throughout the day. I feel so bad for her.

She also has a cough, so she needs to get into the doctor, she missed Rehab today bacause she didn't feel well.

Oh and Emerald is a featured child on Make a child smile .How cool is that!

Pray that our friend Cheyenne's nausea is going away so she can enjoy a couple weeks until she starts her next round of chemotherapy. Continue to pray for Cheyenne. She is a beautiful little girl, the more we get to know her and her family, the more we pray for them. I know, they are a huge inspiration for me. They are so strong and steady.

Also, our friend Nikki is in REMISSION!!!!

On a sad note a little girl I had just started reading her journal passed away last night. So many people have called to tell me that they go to the links of these kids and they cry. I know that I appreciate all of your tears. Anyway, so here is Michelle's Website, Michelle in Canada Please just leave a message and say a prayer for this family. It is just so unfair that anyone has to go through this. I know, life isn't fair, is it?

Enjoy every moment you can. No regrets.

Love,
Kimberly & Emerald

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Sunday, May 30, 2004 9:28 AM CDT

Good morning, 2 more days of chemo to go! She kept it down all last night, so I got some sleep. It is still kicking her butt. She gets tired and her tummy doesn't feel so good most of the day. Of course, some of it is just nerves. She was having tummy aches the day before we started chemo. (I think it was because she heard me reading the list of possible side severe side effects...LOL)

We made shrinky dinks last night, well, we colored them, we still have to bake them.

Well, Shawn and I are going to make concrete blocks today, (hahaha, he is THRILLED, let me tell you...) I have to go get him up and get the day started.

Thanks for thinking of us, and our friends!

Kimberly & Es

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Saturday, May 29, 2004 7:19 AM CDT

Well Emerald got sick from her chemo in the middle of the night, that was fun... 3 more days to go. I feel so bad for her. She started crying when I told her it was time to take it last night. She takes the zofran, but she still feels sick.

At least has been eating a bit better the last couple days. She eats 20 bites instead of 10, and she WANTS to eat now, it just doesn't "taste right", she says.

Ok, this is a sensitive thing... If you donated to the helping Emerald site, please email me. Now, if you already emailed me about it, please do not email again. The lady who was doing it hasn't forwarded me the list of contributers, and there is question amoungst a few who donated of whether all the money is accounted for. Currently, I have a place you can donate that goes directly to Emerald's bank account. You can find it, plus, pictures and whatnot, by going to Emerald.

I did hear from Dr. Sood yesterday, they want another XRAY of Emerald's neck. We will take care of it next week. This is for the second opinion I am seeking regarding Emerald's neck surgery. Still waiting for the pathology report. I keep forgetting to call there. (my bad) it has been a weird week. With cancelling the surgery and then starting the chemo, none of which I expected this week. Plus, Emerald's dad is out of town, so I don't have him to help me out.

Anyway, I hope everyone has a good weekend.

Love,
Kimberly & Em

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Friday, May 28, 2004 6:26 AM CDT

Emerald began her chemotherapy last night. So far, so good.

Thank God she has insurance, although, at $336.40 a pill, I will always worry that we don't have enough! YIKES!

Her face has begun to REALLY shrink down. Her legs look so much smaller.

School is going well, I wouldn't think she would do anything other than well, she has always been such a good student.

Thanks to everyone who sent me a birthday present last week. I had the best birthday! It really meant a lot to have so many people thinking of me. Hopefully, my wish will come true!

My friend Bridgette is in the hospital having her baby, I have her son here with me. Congratulations Bridgette!

I think that is is for now. Thanks again everyone for keeping up with us. Keep praying for Emerald!

---

Wednesday, May 26, 2004 1:22 PM CDT

Well, quiet day for us, Emerald starts her chemo tonight after I pick it up from the pharmacy. Pray she tolerates it well.

Also, as her cervical brace is now a permanent fixture, if anyone has unmatched, CLEAN, knee socks in cute patterns or colors that we could use to cover the dang thing. I cut off the toes of a couple of socks already, and I figured it anyone has any that has a twin that went to sock heaven, I would appreciate you sending them. Please feel free to send to the address below....

She wanted me to dip it in ice water today... so much for "it isn't so bad..." I don't know many who would wear a thick turtleneck in the summer, but hey, I am just the dumb mom.

Kimberly & Es

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Tuesday, May 25, 2004 3:08 PM CDT

Hi, just wanted to let everyone know that our oncologist DID call in a Rx for Temodar. It will be in tomorrow after 3pm, so she will begin it tomorrow night.

Thanks to everyone for checking in on us!

---

Monday, May 24, 2004 4:41 PM CDT

OK real quick, becuase I just lost my first post and I am sitting in chaos.

They will not being doing the surgery on June 3rd. Her neck showed improvement, so instead they will re-evaluate. There is more to this story, but I really don't have time to get into it. I wish I could just plug my computer into my brain so you could all re live my experience, but that is impossible!

This does not mean that the surgery is off, it means that they are putting it off.. I was so stunned by them saying all this that I didn't have time to really formulate any questions. They expect to have to do the stabilization later on down the road, so putting it off accomplishes... what???? I have no idea.

Gives me a bit of time to work out what to do about getting the tumor straightened out before they put metal around that area...

Maybe it is all part of the divine plan. I don't know.

In the meantime she has to wear that soft cervical collar. Like her doctor says, "It isn't so bad, is it?" I think I would like to let him wear the soft collar, and he can decide if it is "so bad..." Better yet, it is soft, maybe we can find somewhere else to put it.... (I know, I know, be nice.) Needless to say, getting a second opinion on this. (sigh)

Gotta run. Thanks to Chrissy for watching the kids today, so I could get all this good news!!!! I appreciate your help. If I haven't said it before, I appreciate everyone's help and kind words. Even if I don't reply to you personally, I appreciate it.

Kimberly & Es

---

Monday, May 24th, 2004 Midnight.

Wow! The weather here has been nuts. It has been really stormy the last couple days. My plants are growing like crazy!

Well, we had another nice night. As if going to see the Lion King wasn't enough for the weekend. We also went to a concert tonight. We saw Sloan. I want to thank St. Andrew's Hall for helping us out so much. They carried Emerald up to the floor level of the place, like she was a princess... they gave her a towel to dry herself off. They made sure we had earplugs and a place to sit where we could see Sloan play with no obstructions. They carried her back out as well. Chris Murphy from Sloan also spoke with us afterward. That was way cool. So not only did we get to a great spot to watch the show, we got to talk with one of the guys from the band. Of course, Emerald always acts really researved she was excited about seeing them. She is funny these days, she almost doesn't want people to notice her.... but she dyed her hair so bright! LOL. Anyway, the first time she met Chris she was only two!

I don't think anything can top this weekend! We had a great time.

Well, I have an appointment in the morning, and no time to check in in the morning. I will update tomorrow evening.

Oh and THANK YOU ANDREA and Happy Birthday Nikita and Korie. (Two little girls I know!) Andrea watched Anya and Ian so we could take Emerald to the concert tonight! THANK YOU!!! :)

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Sunday, May 23, 2004 12:38 AM CDT

OMG, the LION KING was fantastic. I have never been to a "real" play so WOW! Emerald and I were in awe.

From where we were sitting, the animals came from behind us. It was way cool. If you haven't see it and it is coming to somewhere near you, go. It is really great.

Thanks soooo much to those that made it possible for us to go. I can't express how much it meant for us to be able to go and have such a wonderful time together.

Just wanted to quick check in.

---

Friday, May 21, 2004 8:58 AM CDT

Good morning, nothing new to report today. Just wanted to check in. We get to go to the Lion King tomorrow. I am very excited. Emerald is very excited!!! I can't believe it worked out somehow. (Not somehow, but by the kindness of the women on my soap board... I can't thank you enough)

The twitch in Es' arm seems to be lessening. She can wheel herself around in her wheelchair by herself now, good exercise for her arms and they are getting stronger all the time. She is still picking out a walker that she likes. Physical therapy has been letting her use a different one each time. Hopefully, she will get one soon.

Thank you to everyone for the well wishes and please leave us a message if you visit. It is FREE! LOL

Thanks,
Kimberly

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Thursday, May 20, 2004 4:22 PM CDT

Well, I rearranged my schedule today, and went to the oncologist, and they had decided not to start her on chemotherapy, but still have me come in. (Huh?) It doesn't really make sense to me, but I did get a chance to ask about St. Judes and they are going to send them all of our information and see what they would do, and if they would like us to come get treated there.

I also found out that all the oncologist are part of the same group. So they all do the same things, with slight variations, he is going to see if he can find any info on adding CCNU to her temodar.

She will be starting chemo about a week after her surgery. They want her immune system in good shape for long enough for her wound to heal. So, I understand there reasoning, just kind of makes me mad that they wouldn't cancel our appointment, it isn't like I have all day long to do things...

Thank you to Kay, Katie, Chrissy, & Bridgette for helping me out the last two days. I know it is a pain, but you all did it with a great attitude and it means the world to me. Thank you also, to Annette for making my house sparkle. We really appreciate it!

My birthday is tomorrow. If you come over make certain to ring the doorbell with your nose... because your hands better be full of presents... hahahahaha! Just kidding, I always say that to Emerald.

OK, I will update tomorrow!

Kimberly

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Wednesday, May 19, 2004 3:43 PM CDT

Wow! You must all have been praying really hard for us lately.

I took Emerald to her neurologist today. They are putting her on an anit seizure medicine to control the twitching she has in her arm.

When I got back, we got a call from Make A Wish, and we will set it up to call back in September to make the trip in December. We are pretty excited about that.

THEN, I got a call from her oncologists office. They want to start her on the Temodar ASAP. They called the orthopedic surgeon and he gave his OK, so I take her in tomorrow. I don't know how soon after that they start her, but I guess I will find out tomorrow. The orthopedic surgeon requested that the MRI results be read by the neurosurgeon, to see if maybe another neurosurgry would be appropriate at this time, due to the fact that we will be making additional surgeries at later dates extremely difficult because of the titanium for the stabilization. (Which is good that they are discussing this, as it is part of the reason I went on Monday for a second opinion)

Anyway, so I am extremely happy that these doctors are getting things straightened out. I guess the planets are some what aligned for the moment!!!

On top of that I had two daycare parent watching the kids for me, and it went off without a hitch, a similar day tomorrow.

Thanks for the thoughts and prayers, and also thank you for thinking of our new friends here on Caringbridge and other places. I know it makes them feel good to have people caring about them.

OK, I think that is it for now...

Kimberly & Es

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Tuesday, May 18, 2004 10:31 AM CDT

Good morning.

ONLY 4 DAYS UNTIL THE LION KING. (That means 3 days til I turn 34 :()

Just wanted to check in real quick. Es is at physical therapy with my mom today, she has an appointment tomorrow to see about the twitch she has been having (I got the day covered...) and Thursday, I take her to physical therapy, because Rene is going out of town (must be nice, Rene!) Luckily, I got that day covered as well. Thank you to the daycare moms in my home daycare for helping me out.

Thanks also to my mom, who was going to do it tomorrow, but because these people volunteered, she doesn't have to!

I will hopefully, get caught up on my emails and stuff today. I have been really wanting to make bath bombs and some soap, but there is always something to do. So I have instead decided that I won't do the house work, and laundry instead of taking the time to care for myself and having a bit of recreation. I need it.

So if anyone wants bath bombs, I will have them for sale on my site. :) If you want a sample let me know. They smell great and make a bubbles...

OK, enough for now, expecting a call from our oncologist. Will update when I get the info.

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Monday, May 17, 2004 2:33 PM CDT

Well, finally, we are back.

We have to send the doctor the new MRI films and the xrays of her neck. If they end up going in to that spot again for an additional surgery after they put the plates in, it will be extremely difficult. So we need to figure this all out now.

About the MRI. Well. The area around the tumor is swelled. And they saw an enhancement. If it is from the radiation or if it is new growth isn't certain yet.

While speaking with her oncologist, he asked me, "Well, so when can you bring her in to start her on the Temodar." Huh? Didn't your office speak with the other office, and know that we are supposed to have this neck surgery, and your office stated that we should wait 6-8 weeks after to start chemotherapy? Then he asked me how much decadron she is on. Well, she is off of it now, because she is having the surgery June 3rd. So he says, well, I should call Dr. Settecerri. (GOOD IDEA!)

I don't understand how it is that they speak to ME like I don't know anything, but they are the ones truly clueless. Hello.... LOOK AT THE FREAKING CHART.

Sorry, I am just a bit upset. I just want to speak to someone who knows as much about what is going on with her as I do. LOL.

Anyway, so that is it for now. Can't really think of anything else.

Kimberly

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Sunday, May 16, 2004 11:52 PM CDT

I know I won't have time in the morning to update, so I will do it now, I can't sleep anyway.

We had a good weekend. It was cold on Saturday, we went to our friend Bridgette's baby shower. Afterward, we went to play in the park across the street. Emerald got to swing in a swing for handicapped kids. This is the only park I have seen one of these for. She had fun, and didn't want to get out of it!

Today, she went to her Dad's house for the afternoon, to play with her friend Allison. She must have had fun, because she was happy when she got home. I spent the day emptying the shed. I had Shawn put her Bike, our pool and other things we won't be needing for a while into storage. I got all emotional about it. I desperately want things to be normal. Sometimes, I get this feeling like I am living a nightmare.... I actually, get this feeling like this CAN'T be happening. Then I get this feeling in my stomach and I feel like I want to throw up.

Sorry, got off track. Aside from that there has been no new news. I go with Es to the doctor, for a second neurosurgeon opinion. I will update when I get back from that. Shawn has to take the day off to watch the kids. I don't have anyone else to do it. I really don't know how I am going to get Emerald to her appointments unless someone steps up and offers to help out. I don't mean take her for me, I mean watch the few kids I have in the early afternoons. Oh well, I suppose it will work out, or we just will have to stop going, maybe they can give me exercises to do at home with her instead. I am out of solutions.

I found out on Saturday, that a few of the daycare children I watch won't be coming anymore. I have gone way out of my way for this family. I went so far as to watch the kids the night that I came home from the the hospital after I had Ian. I had a c-section, so I am not kidding when I say, I was in no shape to do it. I also watched kids the night of my uncles funeral, she had to work, and I didn't want her to not have to work. She would call and change her schedule at the last minute, and I rarely gave her a hard time. Shawn is still trying to get the oil spots from her car off our driveway. Her one child gave me the hardest time, almost every day for the first 3 mos. We finally had it worked out. The VERY LEAST she could have done was called and given me two weeks notice. I get calls a couple times a week, and I told them that I was full. Because she said she was bringing them back. Grrr....

You would think that this would turn me into the type who refused to do anything nice for anyone. It hurts. My daughter is sick and I get a hassle when I ask for help, no respect from the people I go out of my way for, but I will still help those who need it, and I will be a friend to those seeking my friendship.

My birthday is on Friday. We see the Lion King on Saturday and go to a concert on Sunday. Happy Birthday to me, and a great big fun time for Emerald, who gets to do all this fun stuff. We can't wait. Emerald has always been there for me. She would go out of her way to help me when she could see I needed it, I never even had to ask. Now, she just watches from the couch. When I find a moment to sit, she leans over and hugs me.

Sorry for the downer in my post. I just am confused on how this is all going to work out, but it always does somehow. I just have to have faith.

Please keep all the other kids in your prayers as well. Or better yet, leave a message in their guestbooks, do it often. It makes a difference the kids and especially to their parents. I know all the parents say this, but it is true.

I will update in the afternoon,

Kimberly

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Friday, May 14, 2004 9:56 AM CDT

OMG... So, I get a call from the surgeon's office who is doing my daughter's neck surgery. They call me back and tell me that they can't do it that day, because we need to be 6 weeks after radiation ended. 6 weeks post radiation will be May 27th. I asked if two days made a difference. She said, "Oh Gosh, no. I think he thought it ended later." Nope, it ended April 15th, I write things down just for this reason. Anyway, so they gave away her surgery spot. Now, she has to call me back. I am sooooo PO'd. This is the second time this week I had to tell the doctor's office or whatever professional I am dealing with, how things really are. THEY HAVE THE PAPERWORK, for pete's sake. What if I wasn't this kind of parent, the kind that stays on things? They would just jerk me around and make errors at her expense?

Thanks for listening. I am going to call and find out about her MRI results... wish me luck, with both the results and the people who have them....

---

No Results yet. Maybe by Monday. Her surgery was rescheduled for June 3rd.

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Thursday, May 13, 2004 12:14 AM CDT

Well, I got Lion King tickets, we go on May 22nd.

Emerald has surgery scheduled on May 25th. We are waiting to hear the MRI results. Other than that no new Emerald news.

I was helping Emerald and feeding the baby a bit ago, Emerald's dad was here and asked where Anya was. I said, I thought she might be in the bathroom. Well, she was.

The cat was in the bathroom with her, the cat now has a pretty blue sparkly stripe down her back and onto her tail...

(sigh)

I will update if there is any new news.

---

In all the excitment today, I forgot I had wanted to thank my mom for coming out and watching the daycare children for me yesterday, so I could take Es to her MRI. I know you didn't want to, but I appreciated it none the less. I also know that Emerald appreciated it. She hates getting poked when I am not around, and yesterday, she actually cried, so I am glad I was there.

THANKS MOM

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Wednesday, May 12, 2004 7:31 AM CDT

I am borrowing this from Nikki's site. I have her link down belong the guestbook there. Nikki is sooooo cute! She makes my heart sing with her cuteness!!!

The Chosen Mothers

By Erma Bombeck

Most women become a mother my accident, some by choice and a few by habit. Did you ever wonder how mothers of children with life threatening illnessess are chosen?

Somehow, I visualize God hovering over earth selecting His instruments for progagation with great care and deliberation. As He observes, He instructs His angels to make notes in a gaint ledger.........

"Armstrong, Beth, son, patron saint Matthew" "Forrest, Marjorie, daughter, patron saint Cecilia" "Rutledge, Carrie, twins, patron saint Gerard."

Finally, He passes a name to an angel and says "Give her a child with cancer." The angel is curious. "Why this one God? She's so happy."

"Exactly," smiles God, "Could I give a child with cancer a mother who does not know laughter? That would be cruel."

"But, does she have patience?" asks the angel.

"I don't want her to have too much patience or she will drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wear off, she will handle it."

"I watched her today," said God. "She has that feeling of self-independence that is so rare and necessary in a mother. You see, the child I'm going to give her has it's own world. She has to make it live in her world and that's not going to be easy."

"But Lord, I don't think she believes in you," said the angel. "No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect. She has just enough selfishness."

The angel gasps, "Selfishness! Is that a virtue?"

God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally, she'll never survive. Yes here is the woman I will bless with a child less than perfect. She doesn't realize it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take anything her child does for granted. She will never condsider a single step ordinary. I will permit her to see clearly the things I see...ignorance, cruelty, prejudice...and allow her to rise above them."

"And what about her patron saint?" askes the angel, his pen poised in mid air.

God smiles and says..."A mirror will suffice."

---

Guess, what Emerald is getting a walker!!!! YEA! Is is graduating from her wheelchair! I am so excited. It even has a seat on it, so she can rest when she needs to. Of course, she will still need the chair for a while, but this is such good news.

Her MRI is today at 1 PM. (PRAY/THINK/HOPE) for her at that time, please?

Thank you to all the wonderful people who sign out guestbook and check in on us. It means so much seeing a new message there. I am sorry, if I don't get back to people as quickly as I should, but it is hard to do sometimes. I log onto the computer and I feel so drained... I can read, but typing a messages seems so hard.

About the Lion King. Well, I had called the box office on Friday and they had tickets. Money was sent to us, and put into my paypal account, and I called first thing on Monday morning to order the tickets. They were sold out. I started crying. I was about to buy them online from a scalper site, for three times the amount, but I didn't know what seats we would need for a wheelchair, so I called the box office again, and explained my story to them. They told me they would call me back. They still haven't. WELL, my sister Kelly was looking around online and noticed that it is showing in Columbus OH in June and July. If the lady doesn't call me back soon, I am going to order tickets there, and I guess we will stay the night at a hotel. This will be the middle of July, because Es has her surgery, the beginning of June. Thanks Kelly, for looking out for us! I feel so much better knowing there is still an oppertunity for us to see it. Paying $175.00 a ticket, was a bit much, LOL.

We went to see "New York Minute" last night. It was funny. Emerald enjoyed herself. Afterwards, me and Aunt Keri and Emerald were doing wheelies in the parking lot... Emerald says she is scared, but laughs the whole time. She is such a cutie.

Ian went on Zantac two days ago. He barely spits up now. Much nicer to hold! So anyone who has been avoiding holding my 12 lb cutie, feel free, his fountain days are over (for the most part :))

OK, need to clean up and get ready for the day.

HAVE A GREAT ONE.

Kimberly & Es

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Tuesday, May 11, 2004 8:14 AM CDT

Good morning, I updated the webpage at the top with her appointments.

She went to physical therapy with Granny, today. I want to see about getting a perscription for a walker, I think now her arms are strong enough to somewhat support herself, it would be safer. She is inclined to want to do things, like walk around by herself sometimes, and it would make me feel better if she had a walker... especially with the way Anya likes to jump out in front of her.

Ian is playing in his exersaucer that Janie & Becca Castle gave us. Janie is Emerald's girl scout leader and my friend. She has helped us out immensly by giving us clothes for Anya and Ian, food, and support. Thanks, Janie and Becca. He loves it and is having a great time right now, while I type ;)

I may update later. Hopefully, will get some good news today.

Oh, I also wanted to thank the lady at Walmart who paid for our photo finishing. I certainly wasn't expecting that. And thank you to my friend Katie, who was here watching Anya and Emerald and Ryan while I went to Walmart yesterday. Small things like that make things volumes easier for us, and get me all emotional!

Kimberly and Emerald.

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Monday, May 10, 2004 7:26 AM CDT

Good Morning everyone.

OK, Emerald is going to make it to the Lion King, I am ordering the tickets today, there is even enough money for us to get something to eat before hand and everyone is just so JEALOUS we get to go.

We had a nice mother's day. We went to Shawn's mom's house in the morning for brunch. Then we went to my mom's house for Dunch... hahahaha... Well, we didn't have Breakfast, so we had to combine them all together, see? Anyway, I say anything these days to get Emerald giggling, one of the best sounds in the entire world!

I am going to start photoshopping the pictures of Emerald together. You can really see her face decreasing in size, she is beginning to look like my little girl again. I feel really bad, because she is so self conscience about all the stretch marks. She gained 25 lbs total. For those that don't know her, she wasn't a big kid to begin with. She has always been small for her age. (Actually, all my kids are.) We got to the orthopedic surgeon on May 23rd? I think. I will put important dates at the beginning of the page, for quick reference, when I have a few minutes tonight. Hopefully, we will find out about the MRI stuff, when we have to go again.

Thank you to everyone who has lent (lended??) me an ear these last couple days. You know, days go by and you don't even really think about what all this means, the cancer, the doctor appointments, then out of the blue, it just hits you. I feel like I am drowning sometimes and these last couple days I felt like I was really fighting to get to the surface for some air. I don't want all this. I don't want to have people reading my words, I don't want to do updates, or deal with surgery, or worry about what is happening next, or go to Disney for free. I JUST WANT MY BABY TO BE OK. I just feel like screaming. I am so mad that this is happening to her.

Oh, I wanted to share a funny thing Emerald said. Before the MRI, I said to Emerald. "Gosh, I am scared. I almost don't want to know what is going on in there... hopefully the tumor is gone, or at least shrunk. If it is gone, then it will be a miracle and I will know it was God." She just looked at me and said, "if the tumor is gone, Mom, I will know that the radiation did it's job." Haha hahaha. Of course, that is just like her. So freaking practical. Couldn't help but laugh.

Well, Ian is screaming, I think he needs me.

Kimberly and Emerald

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Saturday, May 8, 2004 9:51 PM CDT

GAWD, what a waste of a Saturday night. (sigh)

OK, we arrive ON TIME for the MRI. We go in, they do all of it to the contrast, and then they can't find a vein. So we have to come back for another appointment. AND they want us to get a hep lock this time from our doctor. WHAT A PAIN IN THE HEINIE. If this is going to be a recurrent problem, Rene is going to call and see if they can give her a port. I would rather she didn't have one, but she has veins like me, and it is a terrible pain to find them.

So, anyway, we didn't get the whole thing done. To make things better, I only had a 20 to get out of the parking structure and they only had the auto cashier. The darn thing wouldn't take my 20. Honestly, I am kind of glad 17.50 in quarters would have bogged down my purse a bit. It isn't bad enough that gas is 2 bucks a gallon, but they have to charge sick people money to get out of the darn parking structure. It is the incidentals that kill you. Your insurance covers most everything, but then there is gas, food... sometimes for just parents, sometimes for kids when you don't have time, or the appointment ran over, parking, toothbrushes, because you rarely even have time to pee.... let alone brush your teeth... hahah.

I can definitely see changes in Emerald's face. Almost a week off of the steroids. The kid is back to her normal eating pattern and has been sleeping at night. (Thank the lord... )

I am tired and mad. I need to get some sleep. I will email everyone who has emailed me or messaged me hopefully tomorrow.

OH, well, I guess I could mention some nice stuff. My friends at the Dish, (my soap forum), donated plenty of money for Emerald to see the lion king. She is really excited. I am going to call and see if I can get them either tomorrow or Monday. Thank you to everyone who helped to get her there. This is going to be so GREAT!

"hi", that is what Emerald said, when I asked her if she wanted to say anything. A woman of many words, I tell ya. (She is giggling as I write this... but not as much as when I was eating the spicey tabasco slim jim in the car, I couldn't even talk, it was getting me right in the throat... she could barely breathe she was laughing so hard... )

OK, done for the night, happy mother's day to everyone.

Kimberly and Es.

---

Gosh, I was reading on another website I go to, and a baby the same age as my son (almost 5 mos) was just diagnosed with leukemia (AML). I want to scream... NOOOOO we need no more kids or parents in this dang club. It is terribly frustrating. It is almost just too much to bare sometimes. WHY??? Why does this happen??

Anyway, this is Sweet Allie's website, please offer some prayers and thoughts to this family, by signing her website's guestbook. I know that getting messages is a godsend to me. I felt so alone at first, and didn't know about caring bridge until a bit into the game. Many wonderful supportive parents here! http://alliesangels.homestead.com/aboutallie.html

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Friday, May 7, 2004 4:55 PM CDT

Gosh, this doesn't get any easier does it? Maddie (http://www.caringbridge.org/mn/maddie/) made her debut in heaven, yesterday. If you have been to her site and read what she has written and felt who she is, you will know that she was a true angel here on earth.

---

There are a bunch of people on my soap making board that I visit who are sending money so Emerald can go see the lion king. If anyone would like to donate to this cause for her, please, feel free to send money to her account listed above or you can paypal her a donation at order@edgeofthetub.com. The seats we have to get, because of her wheelchair, are expensive. I told her I would take her because I thought I could get cheap tickets for $15.00. Nope, found out they had to be special seats in a special section. (Go figure...)

Anyway, the women who are helping me out on that site are just the most wonderful caring people you could meet. I wish we all lived closer. It is the downside to interneting... Sometimes, that might be a good thing, but in this one it isn't! :)

Anyway, not much else to report as far as Emerald goes.

Rene and Emerald gave me a gift certificate to TGIFridays. (YUM!) For mother's day and my birthday... I hope everyone has a good mother's day!

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Friday, May 7, 2004 0:00 AM CDT

Well, I got a bit of information today.

First, they believe she has a UTI, she goes in, in the morning to get another sample so they can culture it. What a pain. Gas is just too much money to keep having to go in and get new samples!

Next, I spoke with her orthopedic surgeon today, and she needs to be off of steroids for about three weeks, and by then she will be done with radiation for almost 8 weeks. They will schedule her surgery for the beginning of June, and 6 weeks after her surgery, she will start chemotherapy finally. She was supposed to start next week, but with this neck business, that isn't happening. She will probably need a halo after surgery, too, because they want to make certain that her neck heals properly this time.

She is going to try going to school for an hour tomorrow. Rene is going with her. She is doing really well on her school work.

Thanks for all the prayers, and everything from everyone. Christian's mom (Keri's boyfried) started helping me out with cleaning around here, I felt really bad when she realized that it is impossible to get the place cleaned up for any length of time. With all the kids, though, they destroy as well clean up. Nothing you can really do.

So thanks Annette for helping us out, we really appreciate it.

I will post again tomorrow. I am wiped out tonight.

Kimberly

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Wednesday, May 5, 2004 10:15 PM CDT

Hi everyone.

Sorry it took me so long to update today, Emerald woke up with a fever, so I had to get her to the doctor. It wasn't easy as I had no back up planned for the "supposedly" quiet day I had planned! Thanks to my sister Kelly, and to my friend Katie who both helped out with such short notice.

Anyway, they think she has a virus, will find out tomorrow. They took blood and urine to find out.

Emerald's new friend Ashley came over today, Ashley is a 6th grader, and WOW! She is a beautiful, intelligent, helpful girl. She should be truly proud of the wonderful person she is, and the world is lucky to have her in it.

Ashley, Emerald and I made suckers today. That was cool. Emerald and I keep doing experiments together and making suckers and keeping sugar from crystallizing. Our rock candy is looking cool. Next, we are planning to make gum.

Emerald got her report card from last semester. It was better than the first making period. 2 b's, a c, and the rest a's. The c is in spelling. She refuses to practice her spelling. I don't know why. Anyway, she had her homebound teacher last night, and today, she has been doing homework like a mad woman again. She is getting so good at math. I always thought I would have trouble teaching her, because I thought I was bad at it, but when you take the same Algebra 2 class three times, you really begin to know what you are doing... hahaha!! She picks it up much easier than I did! (Thankfully!)

I faxed a copy of my permission for John Hopkins to fax me the pathology report, hopefully, it will be done soon.

I also want to thank everyone on my soap bulletin board. This group of people are the best. They really pull together to help when one of their members is in need. THANKS GUYS!

If I forgot anything, I will post it tomorrow. I really need to get some sleep.

Kimberly and Es

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Monday, May 3, 2004 9:53 PM CDT

Hello everyone.

Emerald is officially off of steroids as of today. (YEA!!!!) The poor kid even has stretch marks on the tops of her feet. I am taking her picture every day, so we can see her magically transformed (hopefully...lol) back into her former looking self. This one is cute, too, but she really wants to see herself in the mirror.

We went to our appointment at Children's hospital today. The only thing they would do differently is to add another chemotherapy drug called CCNU. It is also by mouth and would be taken the first day of the Temodar. We are trying decide what to do. We really would like a consult with another neurosurgeon, so I have an appointment with Dr. Sood on May 17th. I shall decide from there, with Rene's help, of course. Our current oncologist will talk to and do whatever protocal we feel comfortable with, so we just have to decide if we want to move over to the other hospital for everything or stay where we are. He felt that either way, we should keep Physical Therapy where we are at now. Which is good, because I really think Emerald has developed a very trusting relationship with those therapists, and I would like to minimize any stress on her if possible.

The appointment today took so long that I have to make all my calls I planned to make today, tomorrow. Emerald has decided to try going to school for an hour on Fridays. We will try building up from there. She really needs to get back to some bit of normalcy in her life.

Watching her play with her friend Noelle on Friday, listening to them giggle, while they ripped into the Bratz dolls that Emerald has been saving until the day she could "play with them properly", brought tears to my eyes. She is such a good kid, and a wonderful person. I guess, I am in still a bit of denial that this is happening to her...to us..our family.

She gave me a hug today, WITH BOTH ARMS, I just wanted to cry.

Please continue to pray and visit the other kids on the other sites. The parents and the children really need to hear that people are still thinking of them. Sometimes, I find that I don't want to call someone up and talk, because frankly, I don't have time, but leaving a message just to let them know that you are there in thought, makes a huge difference. I wish I could visit all the kids. I wish I knew these kids were here before Emerald got sick. I mean, I knew there were sick kids, but having a sick child has definitely opened my eyes on how I can help in a small or big way.

Sorry, I am rambling. Emerald and I decided that we are going to make stuff to send to the kids. So as we have time, we will be sending stuff out, if anyone has time to donate to help us send stuff, even with just taking packages to the post office for us, please let me know.

Anyway, thank you for thinking of Emerald and all the other children. Please also, keep Taylors family in your prayers and Savannah's family. Savannah and Taylor must have been giggling together while they are celebrating their freedom from cancer. It makes me smile. (http://www.caringbridge.org/ar/savannah/)

Kimberly & Emerald

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Sunday, May 2, 2004 7:20 AM CDT

I had emailed Taylor Adkins family to see if I could get an address where to send a picture Emerald has made for Taylor, she emailed back and said that Taylor passed away on Friday night. Please, PLEASE pray for this family. I know that having Emerald visit Taylor's page, has made Emerald more comfortable with all the side effects of the steroids. Knowing that this is/has happened to a kid your age, just makes it easier. We were both very sad with the news. Please leave a message for this family. I know just hearing that there are people who care makes things a little easier. (http://www.amiraclefortaylor.com/)

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Emerald and I went to the movies with Aunt Kelly and another child, Korie, yesterday. Emerald had a good time.

She can also raise her right arm, more than 90 degrees. This is pretty exciting as they told us that she probably wouldn't be getting the movement back in that arm.

She is doing GREAT with the steroid reduction.

Make A Wish was here on Friday, they brought toys for the kids and we will probably be going to Disney near this holiday time. Her second choice in wishes is to go to Austrailia. I never thought she would choose there!

Today should be a quiet day...no kids nothing to do. Plus it is raining...

Kim & Es

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Friday, April 30, 2004 12:20 AM CDT

Well, I have been trying to get ahold of the neurologist all morning. Incidentally, they gave me the same number as I had before, the one that was going to take 8 weeks to get into. We ended up skipping over that step and going to the ER. But now we need them again. The place is so busy. I start calling at 8 am and the phone is busy until exactly 12 pm, and then finally the answering service picks up. So I end up having to wait until 1:30 pm, then the phone is busy again. It is truly maddening. ETA: I finally got through, and the earliest appointment is June 22. So I had to call and have our doctor call their doctor... The girl on the phone actually said to me, "Well, Dr. Mancia is going to want to know why you didn't show for your March appointment." First of all I cancelled it, and second of all, the we found out through MRI (weeks earlier) what was causing the arm weakness (the tumor) and didn't need you to find that out for us anymore. Grrrrrr.... So they are going to take care of it on Monday for us.

The oncologist thought that all the of the problems we were having are due to steroids. But moved her MRI up to May 8th to make certain.

We decreased the steroid this morning. Well, she just stopped taking the morning dose. So she is down to 1 mg. This is good. She began in January at 4 mg 4X daily. So this a huge reduction. Unfortunatly, we have found that the side effects don't subside right away, so by the time she is off of it, it will take about two more weeks for us to see a difference.

Make a Wish is coming over tonight, Emerald wants to go to Orlando, so that should be fun. Can't wait.

In the meantime, I have to clean. Should be a challenge, as there are 7 children here right now. :)

We are going to the movies again tomorrow (surprise) should be fun.

Anya had a great time with her Grandmother yesterday. Thanks Sheila, for taking her for the day. I know she really loves you guys and when we mention that she gets to go see you, she doesn't even want breakfast, she just wants to get dressed and get into the car! I was able to get a lot done and spend some time with Ian. Ian really appreciated it! :)

Kimberly & Emerald

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Thursday, April 29, 2004 4:08 PM CDT

Hi.

Well, Emerald had a visit with the oncologist (not the main one, one of his associates.) They want her to have her MRI done sooner, so she will have it on May 8th instead. He also gave us a number for a neurologist, so I will be making that appointment tomorrow.

She was there so long that she missed school. She isn't home as of this update, but I am certain she is mad. She worked very hard to get all the work the teacher had brought on Tuesday, finished. 7 hours she worked.

Oh well, there is always Tuesday.

I met the new neighbor across the way, she is very nice, she has a granddaughter about Ian's age. She was there with her today. She came by after I dropped off some soap and bath bombs to her to welcome her to the neighborhood. What a nice, WINDY day we had today!

I will update again if there is anything I am forgetting when Rene brings Es back.

Kimberly

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Wednesday, April 28, 2004 4:10 PM CDT

Hi, Emerald has been doing homework all day! She hasn't done any in so long, she suddenly can't get enough??? LOL

Last night, I spoke with a friend of Karen's that worked at St. Jude's. She was very nice and gave me some information. First, she said that I could probably get someone to coordinate all Emerald's doctors for me. One problem solved. And that her going to the bathroom so much could mean she needs a certain hormone, so she has an appointment with her current oncologist tomorrow at 2. I will be able to update further then.

Grandma and Papa are taking Anya tomorrow for the day. She always has a wonderful time with them.

Ian has been trying to crawl. He actually can get up on his hands and knees, but when he tries to move them, they don't go where he wants them to go. It is very cute. He does move around. I leave the room and he is across the floor, by the time I return. He can't sit up by himself but he can almost crawl?

I will update again tomorrow. Thank you to everyone who has signed our guestbook. It is amazing how many people are thinking/praying for our family and beautiful Emerald.

Kimberly

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Tuesday, April 27, 2004 5:16 PM CDT

Well, I finally got Children's Hospital to phone me back. Thanks to Sheila and Dr. Peres. (I think that is how you spell it. Maybe not.) I have an appointment at 2 pm, on Monday. They did explain something to me that the girl I spoke with clarified right away because I was worried. They said her tumor is definitely a grade 3. They differ only on the type of cells involved, I didn't understand what 3/4 was. It means grade 3 out of a possible 4. THAT makes me feel so much better, than thinking it bordered on a 4. LOL.

Emerald started her homebound teacher school today. It was nice to see her so productive. She seemed like she enjoyed it.

Still doing well with the steriods being decreased. Pray it continues.

I thought I had something more to add, but I can't think of it right now. Thank you to everyone for the thoughts and prayers. We really appreciate it.

If you haven't already, please sign our guestmap, the link is under Ian's picture. Just click on "sign my guestmap". If you want to add a picture of yourself, you can go to www.photobucket.com and upload a picture of yourself into the album and using the URL code add in a picture of yourself. It is all free.

Thanks everyone!

Kimberly & The Zoo

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Monday, April 26, 2004 5:05 PM CDT

Hello,

We have a nice weekend. We went to the movies AGAIN. Emerald's favorite acitivity these days. We saw 13 going on 30... at least that is what I THINK the name was. It was cute. Emerald had fun, that is what matters.

We decreased her steroid today. This is an agonizingly slow process! Her body is handling it well, so far. We decrease it again on Friday, by half of what we are doing today.

If you look in the picture album, you will see that Emerald has chosen to color her hair in an extremely bright manner. For the record. I don't like it... she knows ;) and strangely, (yeah, right) doesn't care! Luckily, this didn't cost me much, because Keri (my sister) is a hair colorist extradinaire. It won't cost anything when she changes it back either... hahah! Just kidding, Keri!

Our slides are currently at John Hopkins hospital, and we should find out about them in a couple days. (Thanks again, to Karen for calling.) Still waiting to hear from Children's Hospital. I have a couple questions about the differences in pathology report opinions and would like to know their protocal for treatment, but it hasn't been easy getting anyone to call me or Karen back.

They say this isn't usual for them, but as of today...still no call back. I will let everyone know when I finally hear something.

Emerald and I are going to make candy from the kit she got from Karen and BJ for her birthday. Should be fun.

Kimberly and Es.

PS, Grandma Sheila and Papa Jimmie, I REALLY appreciate when you take Anya for the day. She is such a handful and really likes/needs the one on one attention she gets when she is with you guys. XOXOX

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Friday, April 23, 2004 3:14 PM CDT

Hi everyone.

Just wanted to give a quick update. Emerald did finger painting and played on the computer today.

Next week, hopefully, I will have an appointment at Children's Hospital, then I will have another idea of how to tackle this tumor chemotherapy-wise. Seems like it is never ending.

Now a question for everyone. How do you determine where to go? What makes you decide what is the best treatment? Everyone seems to have an opinion, and everyone believes just as much in the doctors that THEY would put their trust into. Emerald puts her trust into ME. So, I, of course, want the best for her. It is hard though.


Now, I am going to ask for something for Emerald...
Emerald also really wants to see the show The Lion King. So if anyone wants to give her a present... LOL That is something she really wants to see. She saw the commercial on TV and was completely in awe. I will probably take her one way or the other, but if anyone wants to help out with that, we would be rather appreciative.

Nothing new really going on here. Hopefully, I can do yard work this weekend, our yard is a mess!

Kimberly & Co.

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Thursday, April 22, 2004 11:25 PM CDT

Hello.

Emerald had a pretty good day today. We started to make some things for a couple kits that Emerald received as gifts and we need extra supplies that I didn't have here, so we will try them tomorrow instead. It is nice to see her wanting to do stuff, and these activities are good for her hands.

The homebound teacher called today. FINALLY they are going to have it set up so she comes two days a week for an hour. Tuesdays and Thursdays are her day, at 4pm. This is good, it will allow her to still have Wednesdays and Fridays off to do nothing... LOL.

Rene noticed today that the twitching she has been having, seems to make her breathe funny, also. Yet another thing we need to have checked out. Nothing seems worse, it just is kind of weird.

Also, Make A Wish called today and they are coming over next Friday to talk about Emerald's wish. Hopefully, things will go well with her surgery and we will be able to go this fall. Hopefully, things go well in general. It seems like one bad thing after another happens, we are kind of on this downward cycle. Need an upswing in luck, that is for certain.

There is this song, I am not a country song lover by any stretch of the imagination, but it is reminding me, not of my daughter, but of some of the other parents in the caringbridge community.

Streets of Heaven

Hello God, It's me again.
2 a.m. room 304
Visiting hours are over
Time for our bedside tug of war
The sleeping child between us
May not make it through the night
I'm fightin back the tears, as she fights for her life

Chorus:
Well it must be kinda crowded
On the streets of Heaven
So tell me, what do you need her for?
Don't you know one day,
She'll be your little girl forever
But right now I need her so much more
She's much to young to be on her own
Barely just turned seven
So who will hold her hand when she crosses
The streets of heaven

Tell me God, do you remember
the wishes that she made
as she blew out the candles
on her last birthday cake.
She wants to ride a pony
when she's big enough.
She wants to marry her daddy
when she's all grown up.

Chorus:

Lord don't you know she's my angel
You've got plenty of your own
And I know you hold a place for her,
But she's already got a home
Well I don't know if your listening,
But praying's all there's left to do
So I ask you Lord have mercy
You lost a son once too.

Well it must be kinda crowded
On the streets of Heaven
So tell me, what do you need her for?
Don't you know one day,
She'll be your little girl forever
But right now I need her so much more

And Lord I know once you've made up your mind
There's no use in beggin
So if you take her with you today
Will you make sure she looks both ways
And will you hold her hand
When she crosses the streets of heaven.
The streets of heaven



OK, that is it for today. Please keep all the sick children in your prayers. There is a little girl, LaKota that needs prayers today... (her link is on Cheyenne's page) and Taylor is still sick is as well.

Kimberly & Es

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Wednesday, April 21, 2004 6:44 AM CDT

Hello, today is a do nothing day for Emerald. She will probably spend it playing on the computer. It seems to be her favorite activity these days. She also got a new playstation game, frogger, that she really likes to play. It is good because she can go as fast as she wants with it. She really needs to strenghten her hands and computers and video games do the trick. Helps her to grasp and move them around better. I have already seen a big improvement. The first time she played on the computer she got very frustrated easily and gave up, now she will sit there for hours and play.

She eats all of her food by herself now. That is good. Nice for me. Even the messy stuff. She can ALMOST pick up a pop and put it to her mouth when it is full, but usually we have to put it in some kind of spill proof cup. You know, those things aren't made for pop. The carbination makes it come out, LOL.

We have temporarily given up on her going potty by herself. We will work on something else. It just make any sense knowing she has an impending surgery and she won't be able to move her head while it heals. She can't feel anything with her fingers on her left hand, so she really needs to look down to be able to pull up or down her clothing.

While she has been much more into doing things, and seems less depressed. She has mentioned some things to me that have caught me off gaurd. She was talking about how long she has to live. Well, we don't know exactly any numbers. They didn't even give us a general idea, only that it is measured in years (I think they honestly don't know), so she says to me that she wants to live long enough to go to her prom and where a pretty dress. She also thinking about whether or not I should tell Anya and Ian about her all the time if she isn't around. Oh and any future siblings she believes I should maybe considering saying nothing about her because we would want to scare them and think they might also get sick. She is a pretty thoughtful kid, but GEEZ, she was talking in such a lighthearted, matter of fact tone. So is this normal? Is this the way her brain is assimulating all this information? I know she WANTS to be around. She says this "just in case".

I have some calls to make this morning while it is quiet here. I have been so busy these days. I have so much to get done and I feel like I have no time to do it! I will probably be back later to update, as I am on a search for information this morning.

Thanks to the Maes family for checking in and writing in the guestbook. I know Emerald really appreciates everyone thinking of her.

Kimberly & Es

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Monday, April 19, 2004 4:45 PM CDT

Well, another day! :)

We had PT/OT this morning then a doctor appt with Dr. Settacerri this afternoon. What a nice guy! Anyway, I saw the pictures of Emerald's cervical spine and it literally looks like it is on backwards. (I kept telling her her head wasn't screwed on right!) Instead of curving forward toward your adam's apple area, it goes back. So her head would eventually just keep falling forward until it touches her chest. In addition, it could eventually damage her spinal cord. She is on restriction now until they fix it.

The good news is that they can fix it. They would put a titanium plate onto 3 of her vertebrae to stablize her neck. The bad news is that it could affect another surgery because there will be less area to get to the spinal cord through, and it COULD have an effect on what they see from an MRI. Now he says that they believe titanium to be something compatable with MRI, so it shouldn't be an issue, but it could.

The other good thing was that when he spoke with her other doctor he mentioned that her prognosis is measured in years at this point. So that is good to hear. We can enjoy each day, each year and soon it will be decades and we will be looking back on this.

They can't do the surgery until her neck is healed from the radiation and she is off those steroids, they want to minimize any chance of infection. So they have to time it between the healing and the chemotherapy. It is so strange to have so many specialists to deal with. It is kind of like planning a wedding. We need a coodinator. Or a secretary, someone whose in charge. LOL. I feel like they leave me in charge, and I am clueless.

Anyway, things were better today. She has been in a better mood since Saturday. Thanks to the people who left a message. Ken and Fran are right. Those who have been down this road do and will understand. Those who don't understand haven't been here. There is so much truth in those words. It is so easy for some people to say "well, if it were me, I would do this." or even to THINK they are being empathetic. I am a very empathetic person. I have always been. When I would read about children who were sick I would feel very sad and for that second, I felt like I could understand what they were going through. Now I know. I was clueless. Certainly, that one second was something. But knowing the road and walking the road are so very different. In that second that you might experience what someone else is going through, time almost stands still. In walking that road, time can't stand still. Life just continues on and if you don't find a way to deal with it, you have just that much more to deal with later.

It has been 11 weeks since we began this journey. Thankfully, the numbness I was feeling in all my bones is finally gone. I almost never get "that" feeling washing over me. I am learning to deal with it all. I still have much to learn and such a long journey to share with my family and with Emerald. My eyes are open to the children who are all sick, and things I never knew are now in the forefront. Thank you to everyone who has follow our story. Thank you for the prayers and for the help. I appreciate it. Thank you for the shoulders and the ears and the tissues.

Kimberly & Emerald.

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Saturday, April 17, 2004 4:46 PM CDT

Hello.

Today Emerald and I went with another little girl, Korie (one of the daycare children, her mother is also my friend) and we went to the movies to see Ella Enchanted. It was cute. Emerald wanted to stop and get lunch on the way home, but I was expecting other daycare kids and I don't have a lot of money this week (what I have needs to go to groceries) She was all mad, and accused me of not wanting to take her anywhere because she is in a wheelchair. Of course, I don't feel that way. I think if I have ever said anything to that effect it was that I want her to not be in a wheelchair, not for selfish reasons, but for HER. So she can play and make her own food and go potty. So she doesn't need me all the time. Because I really suck at being the mom of a handicapped child. I CAN'T take care of all her needs, I WANT to, it is just so hard. I just feel guilty all the time because there isn't enough time in the day, and I want her every day to be happy and full of love. I know what she said was probably something that came from herself, but I wish her heartbreak was something normal, like her friends not wanting her to come to a party and not... "I can't walk by myself and take care of myself."

This sucks. This cancer crap sucks. I am so mad, I want things the way they were.

OK, I feel better.

Better go, Emerald needs me again. (Sorry, I had to vent. I needed an outlet for my frustration.)

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Friday, April 16, 2004 7:16 PM CDT

Sorry, that it has taken me so long to update today.

Emerald has to wear the hard collar that she has at Physical therapy from now until they fix her neck. She has an appt on Monday at 2:20pm. Then we will find out exactly what is up with that head of hers. I know that they believe that the vertabrae are slipping and could pinch her spinal cord. I just want this fixed.

Today, I saw a kid playing across the street (Es was on the computer) and the other kids were outside. I was thinking hmmm... I should get Emerald. I keep forgetting that she isn't able to just go out and play.

Lately, I have been so busy with the daycare children. Because of spring break, it seems like there were more of them over the course of my day. Our house is a bit different from other home daycares. I only take off 2 days a month. The rest of the time my home is open to children. I work many, many hours during the week. I was thinking today how on the Brady Bunch the house was always spotless (I need an Alice). That is just a dream here. I swear it is many clean every day for about 20 minutes and even then, it isn't really as clean as I would like. I wish I was one of those really organized people. Unfortunately, I am not. In fact, the pack rat gene runs fierce in my family, it just adds to the problem! I feel like I should clean, but then I feel like I would rather spend time with the kids.

Anyway, so if you come to my house. Please expect it to be not spotless. I try to focus my time on my kids and the daycare kids and housekeeping activities seem to fall by the wayside. LOL.

This is my update for the day. Has nothing really to do with Emerald. LOL Or maybe it does. I guess I feel torn between trying to spend time with Emerald and not having a clean house. Once I wrote it down, I realize the first one is MUCH more important than the second!

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Thursday, April 15, 2004 8:14 AM CDT

Good morning.

Emerald and my mom went to her LAST radiation treatment this morning! Wooo Hoooo!!!

Yesterday, they scheduled her MRI for my birthday (May 21st.) pray that I get the ultimate present and that this thing is gone. (How unlikely, eh?) Ok, so pray that it has responded to the radiation. They didn't decrease her steroid today, but they will decrease it next week, and for the next three weeks, unless there is an increase in symptoms.

Emerald has outgrown her clothes. Today she wore a size 16 girls skort, and MY shirt, her shoes are getting too tight, because her feet look like mine when I was pregnant with Ian (Completely swollen). I don't want to buy her anything because this is just temporary until she is weaned off the steroid, then she will start shrinking again. So if anyone has anything to donate, we would appreciate it. She really needs shorts or skorts (not jean type, something with elastic) and some bigger shirts. She has been eating less and moving around more and she is still getting more swollen, the poor kid. It is very frustrating for her. (Luckily, she doesn't read this journal part every day, because she would be mad that I mentioned it.)

I am astounded at the amount of people that read this journal every day. Just to think that all these people think about my little girl and our family all the time just amazes me. Thank you.

She takes all this so well. I want to jump and scream and I am so angry about all this, and she just takes it in stride. When I mentioned that she may need another surgery to fix her neck, she was a bit upset, but of course, she just put it into perspective... "well, at least if they aren't giving me surgery on my spinal cord, I won't come out of it worse off, like I did the first time." She is right. It is so unfair that she has to deal with this, that anyone has to. It is unfair that some of the children I know have tumors just a few inches above Emerald's and they can't be operated on at all. I am so thankful that this isn't the case for us and surgery is ONE MORE THING we can try. I am so sad for those families that can't try that option. They certainly have my heart and my tears.

Cheyenne's MRI didn't come back good. There are some changes. Taylor is still very sick. Please pray for these children and other kids like them.

I will stop my babbling now. Thanks for the ear.

Kimberly

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Wednesday, April 14, 2004 9:27 AM CDT

Only 2 doses of radiation left!

Yesterday, I was looking through a few of the sites of other children that are in similar situations, and I was feeling a bit down about it all. Emerald asked me what was wrong. I said that I just couldn't look at anymore of those sites because it reminds me of what I could lose. She looked at me with a really thoughtful look. She put her hand on my shoulder, and said, "Well Mom, stop looking at them. Nothing bad will happen to me. I am already getting better."

She is having some tummy troubles again, I was up, it seemed, all night last night.

She got approved for Make-A-Wish, they will come to visit us sometime in the next three weeks. How exciting! We are hoping we get to go to Orlando. We can all use the getaway from cancer and the hospital. We need a week of FUN!

My mom takes her to radiation today, she also sees the radiation oncologist. I have a couple questions for him, and hopefully, he will continue to lower Emerald's steroid. Those cheeks certainly are cute, but I think she wants to look like herself again.

Kimberly & Emerald

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Tuesday, April 13, 2004 6:15 AM CDT

Only 3 more doses of radiation left!

Emerald is doing rather well right now. In good spirits and moving around as much as she can. Someone gave her a spongebob game and she wants to play it constantly. She also only got up ONCE last night. Nice for me, nice for her. She needs the rest as much as I do.

My mom takes Emerald to PT/OT and then to radiation today. Emerald gets to ride a bike there and really gives my mom and Wendy (the physical therapist) a run for their money! She makes them chase her around the track! They are working on trying to get Emerald into the pool for the summer (well, not for the whole summer ;) lol) She loves swimming, so I hope it works out.

I know it is hard to believe, because Emerald is so agreeable, but I have the hardest time getting her to cooperate and do her exercises at home. So any ideas on what we can do to TRICK her into doing some of them, would be appreciated!

(Add on) I have been thinking about something. I know that people don't like to call or stop by because they don't know what to say or they don't want to bother us. We aren't bothered. Don't feel like you are the only one who doesn't know what to say. Mostly everyone feels the same way. The funny thing is, WE DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY BACK ANYWAY! So don't worry about it. We know what is going on and speaking about it or asking direct questions will not offend us in any way. NO we don't want to dwell on the bad, but sometimes it helps to ask questions rather than just worry over something that had a simple answer. This is directed towards no one and everyone all at the same time.

Well, I hope that helps someone feel like they can call, email, stop by or write in our guestbook! It is extremely important to me that everyone who wants to be involved with our family and Emerald has the oppertunity! Thanks! :)

Kimberly & Es

OK, I am adding a joke I read on one of the bulletin boards I go to.

Have you heard about the pharmaceutical company that developed a new drug which, when administered to women, compels them to go join a convent? The FDA refused to license it, though. Seems it was habit-forming.

=^..^=

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Monday, April 12, 2004 6:48 AM CDT

Good morning!

Well, we had a nice two days off. No daycare children. Emerald and I went to the movies on Saturday and saw "The Prince & Me", it was a cute movie. We went and got a late lunch and ran errands. It was nice to get out just her and me.

Sunday, she got lots of Easter candy. We had a nice day. Grandma Sheila and Papa Jimmie came over and we had a lively discussion, and made gummy candies with Grandma. Keri and Christian came over later and spent a little time with us, as well. It was a really nice day.

Emerald just seems like she is feeling so much better these days. She really wants to do something besides watch TV and tries to get up by herself, but it is really hard to sit up by yourself when your arms can barely lift 1.5 lbs. Pushing up your own body is REALLY difficult. She is getting stronger and stronger every day. Well, just want to give an update this morning, in case I didn't have time later.

Please feel free to write a message in the guest book, even if you left a message before. It helps keep our spirits up, when we can see that there are people reading and supporting us through thoughts and prayers.

Kim & Em

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Saturday, April 10, 2004 9:17 AM CDT

Emerald is feeling much better. She has been sleeping a bit better since they decreased her steriod. Her sleeping better makes ME sleep better!

She is getting around a bit better too. She never loses her balance. She can almost get off the couch. Please pray that she won't have to have surgery on her neck and they can do something else to fix it.

Only 4 radiation treatments left!!! Then the dreaded wait for the MRI.

The hospital is sending out the new slides to John Hopkins hospital on Monday. (Thanks to Karen! :) She is the greatest!) This is for our third opinion. The slides are new, so I wonder if they will say something new.

Please keep Jake Griffin's family in your prayers. Also, Cheyenne Fiveash ( http://www.caringbridge.org/tx/cheyenne5/ )who is battling the same tumor as Jake was. Please keep Taylor Adkins and her family in your prayers as well. ( http://www.amiraclefortaylor.com/ ) She is very sick.

OH, and Anya's head is healing well, it is a bit swollen today. With how active Anya is, I am surprised that this is the first time she has had stitches and I am certain they won't be the last ones! LOL.

Kimberly & Emerald

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Thursday, April 9, 2004 12:41 AM

Jake Griffin passed away yesterday morning. Please keep him and his family in your prayers.

http://www.caringbridge.org/page/jakegriffin/

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Anya fell and hit her head on the table. She ended up with 5 stitches, the poor kid. She had spent the day with Grandma Sheila, she was tired, but still found the energy to cut herself open.

Emerald is doing well tonight, just concerned about her little sister.

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Thursday, April 8, 2004 10:27 AM CDT

WHY can't anything be easy for Emerald?

I finally got a call back from Dr Zakalik and he wants her to see another surgeon for her neck. I guess it looks like it is slipping forward, so now we have to wait until the 19th before she will be able to find out what is going on. She can't take off the collar. Who knows how long it is going to be now before the kid can move her head.

She seems like she is feeling a bit better otherwise.

More later...

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Hi again.

Well, after 6 weeks, I finally got a second opinion on Emerald's pathology slides. This opinion says that they think it might be a grade 3/4 glioma. Not certain to what it means.

Luckily, my sister in law, Karen, has been there taking care of all of this today, because they make me want to pull my hair out. I guess they lost our path slides, so we have to have new ones made up. Getting them to call us back was a mission in itself, so I am glad I at least have their findings in my hot little hands.

I will post more info when I get it.

Emerald is a little more than upset at the prospect of more surgery. Of course, I want another neurosugeon to take a peak at the info we have, that way they would have an idea whether or not another surgery would be appropriate. I certainly wouldn't want to fix the problem with her neck, just to have to have another surgery, if we don't have to. (Sigh) I wish things would go a bit easier for us.

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Wednesday, April 7, 2004 8:11 AM CDT

Well, good morning! =^..^=

Yesterday, we got up late and Emerald missed her appt for a new mask. So this morning my mom took her to have a new one made. (For those that don't know. They use the mask to hold your head perfectly still during radiation. It is rather uncomfortable. It goes all the way across your face and is held to a piece of acrylic with pegs.) She only had 7 treatments of radiation left. My mom is taking her today. (I really appreciate my mom taking her twice a week for us, and I know Emerald enjoys the time with her Granny.)

I am still waiting for the neurosurgeon to call us back to let us know if we can take off her collar. We had the x-rays done on Friday. It has been 9 weeks since her surgery and I really would like her to be able to have as much free motion as she can. I keep calling, but no one calls me back. It is getting frustrating.

Please pray that the radiation is doing it's job, and also that Emerald will be more mobile in the coming weeks. I know it is really hard for her to be stuck in one spot unless we are there to move her somewhere. I know things will be a lot easier for everyone if she could get up to go to the bathroom, or to find something to eat or drink by herself.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
5 PM update

Es came home from the doctor and they decreased her decadron again. It is taking forever, but at least it is looking like it is going to end in a couple weeks.

She did great job holding still for the mask, but then again, any child who can sit for an hour and half for an MRI unsedated would breeze through this! Only 6 more treatments to go!

Dr Zakalik still hasn't been in his office to view our x-rays. 9 weeks now since the surgery. I have been calling every day, I feel like a burden! I wish he would just give us the OK already!


Kimberly & Es

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Monday, April 5, 2004 3:58 PM CDT

Well, we went to radiation and her face has swelled again, they did the treatment but the mask was so tight they decided that she needs a new one, so tomorrow we get a new mask in the morning, then her regular treatment later that afternoon.

I am feeling like a new woman! Emerald is taking a bit longer to recover from the flu, though. Still having some tummy troubles. Aside from that, I think things are starting to get back to some type of normal. She is wanting to be able to walk around and wants to do more than just lay on the couch.

Saturday, we were watching TV and a preview for "Jerry McGuire" came on, they said, "show me the money!!!" to which Emerald replied, "Show me the peanut butter and jelly!!!!" Ahhh, the power of steroids. She also said she wanted a tower of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches if she can't have her first wish from Make A Wish.

She is so silly! :)

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I want to take the time right now to thank Aaron's mom, Chrissy (one of the parents who brings her child to me for daycare). She has been helping me the last couple weeks with the daycare children on Monday, so I can take her to her appointments. I really, really appreciate the time and effort she puts in.

Also thanks to Keri, Beth, and Christian's mom, as well as Christian, for all the help with the birthday party. I think it is an understatement how much fun everyone had, and it was a huge stress off of me, to have you all helping and doing so much for us, before, during and after.

Oh and one last person for now, while I am feeling sentimental. Thank you to Karen Weinbaum. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your help. Knowing that you are constantly looking for the best care for Emerald and always in my cornor makes me feel really lucky to have you as my friend and my sister in law. It makes a huge difference in my life.

Kimberly & Emerald

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Sunday, April 4, 2004 8:58 PM CDT

Well, I have been sick all day. The flu has hit me really hard. I think the stress from dealing with so much has really lowered my immunity because, I NEVER get sick!

I want to thank Emerald's dad, Rene, for coming over today to help me with Anya and Ian, and of course, Emerald. I really appreciated it.

Emerald seems like she is feeling better. I think we are going to skip PT and OT tomorrow, and just do radiation, and it is blood draw day for Emerald. (She is thrilled...LOL)

She mentioned to me last night that she has feeling back everywhere in her body except her left arm, it just feels numb. No more pins and needles feeling in her feet though. Which is great news. The twitching seems like it has lessened today.

Well, back to bed for me, just wanted to check in.

Kimberly & Emerald.

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Saturday, April 3, 2004 12:40 AM CST

Well, it is a boring Saturday, here at our house. (Thankfully! :))

The twitching hasn't stopped since getting more of the steroid. She told me that she always feels it, but I couldn't SEE it before.

She was up literally night having bathroom problems. She must have virus or something because usually she CAN'T go and now suddenly it is all the time. Her head is really stuffed up still, too.

Anya has potty trained herself. I was trying to put it off, but she doesn't want to wait for me to be ready! We have two different potty chairs and she prefers to go up on the toilet like the big kids do. She is getting so big.

Ian is a real sweetie. Sleeps all night, can't complain about that. Now, if I could only get Emerald to sleep through the night!!!

Kimberly & Emerald.

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Friday, April 2, 2004 11:51 AM CST

Emerald has a stuffy nose, it is really annoying her. I noticed this morning that she was twitching from her neck down to her right arm. It is almost like a wave. So I called the doctor and he said to give her another 2 mg of her steroid, and see if it helps. Emerald was less than happy with that. I think she is looking forward to the day she doesn't have a "pumpkin head", as she calls it.

She is off to radiation with her dad, and they have to redo her neck X Ray. The drs office accidentally wrote lumbar instead of cervical, so they got a really nice picture of her back. Unfortunately, that isn't what we needed... LOL. Hopefully by Monday, we can start leaving the collar off for longer and longer. She would be able to do so much more if she could bend her head down to look to see what she is doing.

Please sign her guest book as often as you would like. The whole family really likes reading the messages she/we get.

Kimberly & Emerald

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Thursday, April 1, 2004 2:09 PM CST

Emerald is doing really well in radiation. She is a model patient (we all knew she would be). She is actually kind of upset that she only has 2 more weeks of radiation left. She says they are so nice to her there.

Her doctor decreased her steroid (decadron). Hopefully, we can keep on the path to getting her off of it, she has been having some leg swelling and the mask she needs to wear for radiation was getting really tight. Finally, they cut the cheeks out of it and this seems to help.

They said she will get another MRI in about 4 weeks. After the radiation ends she will get 4 weeks off, the begin the chemotherapy drug Temodar. She will take 1 pill a day for 5 days, then she will have 23 days off. I hope she tolerates it well.

We need people to donate blood. I am not certain of her blood type, yet, but will post it as soon as I find out. They expect that she may need a blood transfusion at some point, so we want to be prepared.

That is it from our end.

Kimberly & Emerald

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January 30, 2004 - March 31, 2004

This is the first journal entry I am making, so I will take the time here to write in a bit of her history. Emerald was 10 years old as of March 27, 2004.

In the beginning of January, she noticed some weakness in her right arm. I took her into her pediatrician, who sent us for x rays, then to a bone doctor to make certain there wasn't something wrong with her bones. He in turn, sent us to a neurologist. We had a hard time finding one, when we finally did, they said we couldn't get an appt until March 8th.

In the next couple days, Emerald started having more pain in her neck, and her arm was getting weaker. She was becoming very frustrated. I couldn't see waiting for over a month to see another doctor, if it was something simple, I didn't want her walking around in pain like this for that long, and if it was something serious, they needed to get started on fixing the problem. I ended up taking her to the ER.

The ER wanted her to have an MRI, it was going to take all night to get her in, so they decided to let us go home and schedule the MRI for the following day.

On January 30th, we went in at 6 AM for her MRI, and as we were getting ready to leave and go to breakfast, they caught us and sent us to the ER. There they told me that she had a mass in her spinal cord, between c2-c5 and she would need to be admitted to the hospital.

She had surgery on February 4th. The surgery went fairly well, they got out about 1/3 of the tumor and told us the initail pathology came back as a benign astrocytoma. (On February 11th, the pathology report came back and they reported that her tumor was an anaplastic oligoastrocytoma. A grade 3 tumor.)

She was in the PICU, and was extremely weak. Initially we were told that she would have to use a walker to get around, but she was so weak she couldn't even sit up. Before we went home she had progressed to being able to walk with support, but because her arms were so weak, we had to do everything for her. We had to feed her, dress her, bathe her, take care of her potty needs, etc.

She was finally able to come home on February 12th.

She began her physical and occupational therapy on February 19th. She goes three days a week for 2 hours each time.

She began radiation on March 4th.

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