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Friday, December 15, 2006 8:17 AM CST Hello! Just when I thought I was getting a leg up on the Christmas activities, I got overwhelmed again. Still have a few Christmas cards to send out, although the majority are done. Shopping is done, gifts wrapped and all under the tree= whew! I am so happy no one has bothered them either this year and they've been under there for over a week now. No, we don't teach the kids Santa delivers presents. He's just another "prop" during the holidays like Frosty and Rudolph. Never have played the Santa game, or the Easter bunny or the Tooth fairy. We feel if the kids are taught lies from the get-go then we later say "no, they're not real" how do we explain that Jesus and God ARE REAL when they can't see them either or even "visit" them at a shopping mall?? So we nixed the fantasy to keep them focused on the truth of our celebrations, which in light of Luke's death at such an early age, I am soooo glad he always knew what was real and what wasn't. I couldn't imagine sending him back to God's arms thinking he'll be seeing Santa up there! Ha ha ha!!! By the way, the kids still have a GREAT time filled with fun and wonder at what Mommy & Daddy are going to be surprising them with :-)
I wanted to tell you about Don Piper and his book "90 Minutes in Heaven". He spoke to our church/community the Sunday of Thanksgiving weekend and it was sooo inspiring. His book is his account of his own personal death and short time he was in heaven. No, it wasn't a "near death" experience- he WAS dead. Through obedience to God, Don has taken to sharing his experience after many years being quiet about it. It happened in 1989 and he only just went public with it in 2004. He focused mainly on being obedient to God and His word even when things don't seem "logical" to us, realizing we are all interdependent, that Jesus loves us SO much and desires us to be with Him in heaven. He also mentioned the "all roads lead to heaven" mentality by pointing out that if you look at a map, all roads DO NOT lead to Houston (where he is from) so what makes us think any faith will bring you to heaven? Good point Don. Here is his website if you are interested: www.donpiperministries.com
We are in the midst of the Luke's Legacy toy drive we do with WVMC FM which is going well. We'll take toys throughout the month of December= check out the hospital wish list or WVMC websites below. We've collected over 700 toys in the past 2 years! This is always a huge blessing to the kids down at Children's to be touched by your love.
I have been amazed how quickly time is passing again... Here we are on the 15th. Joscelyn turned 8 on Dec 3rd with a "girl party" here..Dad turned 79 Tues and I get to turn 39 on the 22nd! Mom died a year ago on the 28th which is especially giving Dad sadness this month. For reasons I think we all understand, that first year is a painful blur when adjusting to the death of someone you love sooo very much. Dad has done so well, surprising all of us by his increasing faith in God, and his determination to carry on. We're never too old and it's never too late to grow in our relationship with Christ.
Anyhow, as the time passes so does my sanity! LOL... The van is having transmission work done as I write, which is how I am able to sit here and get this done. Joscelyn is in a young 'drill team' and *lost* her baton during the last week so she had to borrow one from the instructor to perform last night. I have looked and called everywhere she has been and cannot find the foul thing! Ggrrrr! Then as I was getting the mail ready to go, I realize that I can't find her "thank you's" that she so diligently wrote out last Saturday too!! Ahggg! My neighbor laughingly said maybe we are living amidst the "Avalon Triangle"(named after our street) as she had a package come up missing after UPS SAID they left it on her front porch. Fortunately her package mysteriously appeared the next morning... Now if Joscelyn's baton and t-y's would materialize I would be relieved!! It is moments like these that make you feel like you really are heading towards the crazy house...
I posted new pics on the photo page. I will TRY to write soon but knowing how life happens over here, that is all I can say! Merry Christmas to all of you! Thank you for your love, compassion, humor and gentle spirits- we love hearing from you :) Love, Monte Ivy Joscelyn Dane Autumn and St. Luke xoxoxoxo
Luke's tree we keep up in his rememberance. A friend and fellow bereaved parent brought it for us the first Christmas Luke was in heaven. The card came from a local friend who knew Luke. Both are great blessings for us.
Our stockings, already filling up!
This was one of Mom's trees before they downsized Aug of '05. She kept it by her front door too, so I do it up the same way she had it. Now it is a beautiful memory of her. Mom LOVED decorating for the holidays and had more decorations than I will ever want to wrangle with.
Our Christmas tree, decorated by the kids. (of course I had to "rearrange" a bit so we had some ornaments on the top too!) LOL
Tuesday, November 28, 2006 1:55 PM CST Merry Christmas folks!
We have officially started the "Luke's Legacy Toy Drive" with WVMC this week. Please consider supporting the kids down at Columbus Children's hospital with a donation of a new toy (due to immunity issues). The toys can be taken to the radio station at 500 Logan Rd/Mansfield. I will take everything down to the hospital in early January. We used to be able to deliver some to patients in person, but now because of HIPPA privacy laws we deliver them to hospital personel who see to it that the toys are shared through out the patients until supplies run out. We focus on the oncology floor as that naturally is a special place for us. I have links to both the radio station as well as the hospital websites at the bottom of this page. If you visit the hospital site, click on "volunteering" then you'll see "wishlist" which if you click on that will reveal their ideas of what the kids would appreciate most. I know "infants, 0-12" and "teens" are areas of highest needs.
I will be updating more soon- our Thanksgiving went well and we were privledged to hear a dynamic speaker, Pastor Don Piper, over the holiday weekend. More on that to come...
Thank you for blessing us with your love, compassion and prayers! We love you-
Monte, Ivy Joscelyn Dane Autumn and St. Luke
Luke experiencing the joy of Christmas morning 2002, the last we would share as a family with him... Photo by Mitch Masillun
Sunday, November 19, 2006 2:59 PM CST I want to share this story with you. Someone sent it to me last year and I forget who. If it was you, know that it has spoken to my heart. I hope each of you who take the time to read it are likewise blessed...
THANKSGIVING THORNS
Elizabeth felt as low as the heels of her shoes as she pushed against a November gust and the florist shop door. Her life had been easy, like a spring breeze. Then, in the fourth month of her second pregnancy, a minor automobile accident stole that from her. During this Thanksgiving week she would have delivered a son. She grieved over her loss. As if that weren't enough, her husband's company threatened a transfer. Her sister, whose holiday visit she coveted, called saying she could not come for the holiday. Elizabeth's friend thoughtlessly infuriated her by suggesting her grief was a God-given path to maturity that would allow her to empathize with others who suffer. She has no idea what I'm feeling, thought Elizabeth with a shudder.
Thanksgiving? Thankful for what? She wondered...For a careless driver whose truck was hardly scratched when he rear-ended her? For an airbag that saved her life but took that of her child?
"Good afternoon, can I help you?" The shop clerk's approach startled her.
"I... I need an arrangement," stammered Elizabeth.
"For Thanksgiving Day? Do you want beautiful but ordinary, or would you like to challenge the day with a customer favorite I call 'The Thanksgiving Special'?" asked the shop clerk. "I'm convinced that flowers tell stories," she continued. "Are you looking for something that conveys 'gratitude' this thanksgiving?"
"Not exactly!" Elizabeth blurted out. "In the last five months everything that could go wrong has gone wrong."
Elizabeth regretted her outburst, and was surprised when the shop clerk said, "I have the perfect arrangement for you."
Just then the shop door's small bell rang, and the shop clerk said, "Hi Barbara...let me get your order." She politely excused herself and walked toward a small workroom, then quickly reappeared carrying an arrangement of greenery, bows and long-stemmed thorny roses. Except the ends of the rose stems were neatly snipped; there were no flowers.
"Want this in a box?" asked the clerk.
Sandra watched for the customer's response. Was this a joke? Who would want rose stems with no flowers?! She waited for laughter, but neither woman laughed.
"Yes, please," Barbara replied with an appreciative smile. "You'd think after three years of getting the special, I wouldn't be so moved by its significance. But I can feel it right here, all over again," she said as she gently tapped her chest. And she left with her order.
"Uh," stammered Elizabeth, "that lady just left with, uh...she just left with no flowers!"
"Right," said the clerk, "I cut off the flowers. That's the Special. I call it "The Thanksgiving Thorns Bouquet."
"Oh come on, you can't tell me someone is willing to pay for that!" exclaimed Elizabeth.
"Barbara came into the shop three years ago feeling much like you feel today," explained the clerk. "She thought she had very little to be thankful for. She had lost her father to cancer, the family business was failing, her son was into drugs and she was facing major surgery."
"That same year I had lost my husband," continued the clerk, " and for the first time in my life, was spending the holidays alone. I had no children, no husband, no family nearby, and too great a debt to allow any travel."
"So what did you do?" asked Elizabeth.
"I learned to be thankful for thorns," anwered the clerk quietly. "I've always thanked God for the good things in my life and never questioned the good things that happened to me, but when bad stuff hit, did I ever ask questions! It took time for me to learn that dark times are important. I have always enjoyed the 'flowers' of life, but it took thorns to show me the beauty of God's comfort. You know, the Bible says that God comforts us when we're afflicted, and from His consolation we learn to comfort others."
Elizabeth sucked in her breath as she thought about the very thing her friend had tried to tell her. "I guess the truth is I don't want comfort. I've lost a baby and I'm angry with God."
Just then someone else walked into the shop. "Hey Phil!" shouted the clerk to the balding, rotund man.
"My wife sent me in to get our usual 'Thanksgiving Special'...twelve thorny, long-stemmed stems!" laughed Phil as the clerk handed him a tissue-wrapped arrangement from the refrigerator.
"Those are for your wife?" asked Elizabeth incredulously. "Do you mind me asking why she wants something that looks like that?"
"No...I'm glad you asked," Phil replied. "Four years ago my wife and I nearly divorced. After twenty years, we were in a real mess. But with the Lord's grace and guidance, we slogged through problem after problem. He rescued our marraige. Jenny here (the clerk) told me she kept a vase of rose stems to remind her of what she learned from 'thorny' times, and that was good enough for me. I took home some of those stems. My wife and I decided to label each one for a specific 'problem' and give thanks for what God taught us through that problem."
As Phil paid the clerk, he said to Elizabeth, "I highly recommend the Special!"
"I don't know if I can be thankful for the thorns in my life." Elizabeth said. "It's all too...fresh."
"Well," the clerk replied carefully, "my experience has shown me that thorns make roses more precious. We treasure God's providential care more during trouble than at any other time. Remember, it was a crown of thorns that Jesus wore so we might know His love. Don't resent the thorns."
Tears rolled down Elizabeth's cheeks. For the first time since the accident, she loosened her grip on resentment. "I'll take those twelve long-stemmed thorns, please." she managed to choke out.
"I hoped you would," said the clerk gently. "I'll have them ready in a minute."
"Thank you. What do I owe you?"
"Nothing. Nothing but a promise to allow God to heal your heart. The first year's arrangement is always on me." The clerk smiled and handed a card to Elizabeth. "I'll attach this card to your arrangement, but maybe you would like to read it first."
It read: "My God, I have never thanked You for my thorns. I have thanked You a thousand times for my roses, but never once for my thorns. Teach me the glory of the cross I bear; teach me the value of my thorns. Show me that I have climbed closer to You along the path of pain. Show me that, through my tears, the colors of Your rainbow look much more brilliant."
Praise Him for your roses; thank Him for your thorns! And have a wonderful Thanksgiving with your families.
Love, Monte Ivy Joscelyn Dane Autumn and St. Luke
My most painful yet beautiful thorn....
Monday, October 23, 2006 1:07 PM CDT It is snowing here today!! Joscelyn and Dane were thrilled to see it coming down first thing this morning. It is that big fluffy kind that doesn't stick, just tricks you into thinking snow is happy and fun~ ha ha ha. Actually I like it, it gives us a reason to break out more clothes, get fires going in the fireplaces, find a good book to read and get all cozy with a plate of cookies!!
Autumn is officially 1=- yahoooo! She had a "party" here at the house complete with presents, cake, ice cream and relatives. She was very careful with her piece of cake, not quite sure what to do with it. Once she did taste it, she was still careful- didn't want to waste a bite by throwing it on the floor for Mommy! Autumn did well at her dr. visit too, although they do want her seen for "non-weight bearing issues". She just doesn't care to stand up on her own, let alone try walking. She is content to just "scoot scoot scoot" her way through the world. I guess if I had diaper padding on my bottom, I wouldn't see the need to get up either! LOL.. Anyhow, God has consistently revealed how He chooses to make each of us unique so I am not overly concerned with this referral. Autumn's legs are plenty strong enough, I believe it's just a matter of desire (or lack thereof) on her part.
As the holidays are approaching, the radio station WVMC FM has asked us if we want to continue our Luke's Legacy Toy Drive for Columbus Children's again this year. MOST CERTAINLY!! So keep that in mind as you are shopping. We are looking for donations of new toys (b/c of immunity issues) to go to Columbus for the kids who are inpatient. There will be links at the bottom of this page to see their wish list and also to link over to WVMC FM. (The donations can be taken to the radio station if you are local)
I wanted to include an excerpt from my Beth Moore study on the book of Daniel::
" 'He will speak against the Most High and oppress his saints' Daniel 7:25.... In verse 25 you noted that the antichrist will "oppress" the saints. Oppress literally means to 'wear away' or to 'wear out', as one would wear out a garment. Though Satan's persecutions of God's people will reach full measure in the last days, he certainly oppresses Christians today....One of Satan's most effective schemes is simply to wear God's people out. Satan uses exhaustion and profound discouragement to persuade us to give up opposing him. We must not give up! As believers in Christ in whom the Spirit of God dwells, Satan may be able to wear out our human strength, but he cannot wear out the Holy Spirit's. We can call upon God's supernatural strength to fight the good fight of faith and persist in our proclamation of Christ, the son of the Most High God.'"
This was an encouragement to me because I have felt soooo worn out (or oppressed!) in so many areas of my life this year. Honestly, there have been many days I wish I could just walk away from everything. (really!!) How glad I was to realize that the pain wasn't just in my imagination, but to remember that our spiritual battle is waged on us in many fronts. How could I ever forget to turn to God?!... Oftentimes, the days' events seem to mount up, and yet they seem too "small" to bother God with. That is what Satan is banking on- that we will try to take care of it all ourselves instead of leaving it at the throne of God. I still struggle with this daily, but coming across readings like this refreshes me. More pointedly, it REMINDS me to give it ALL over to God. I must humble myself before Him and admit I can't handle it. It's true, only He can.
Thanks for checking in on us again... We are grateful for your prescense on our journey! Love, Monte, Ivy Joscelyn Dane Autumn and St. Luke
10 years and still going!!! Malabar Farm
Monday, October 23, 2006 1:07 PM CDT It is snowing here today!! Joscelyn and Dane were thrilled to see it coming down first thing this morning. It is that big fluffy kind that doesn't stick, just tricks you into thinking snow is happy and fun~ ha ha ha. Actually I like it, it gives us a reason to break out more clothes, get fires going in the fireplaces, find a good book to read and get all cozy with a plate of cookies!!
Autumn is officially 1=- yahoooo! She had a "party" here at the house complete with presents, cake, ice cream and relatives. She was very careful with her piece of cake, not quite sure what to do with it. Once she did taste it, she was still careful- didn't want to waste a bite by throwing it on the floor for Mommy! Autumn did well at her dr. visit too, although they do want her seen for "non-weight bearing issues". She just doesn't care to stand up on her own, let alone try walking. She is content to just "scoot scoot scoot" her way through the world. I guess if I had diaper padding on my bottom, I wouldn't see the need to get up either! LOL.. Anyhow, God has consistently revealed how He chooses to make each of us unique so I am not overly concerned with this referral. Autumn's legs are plenty strong enough, I believe it's just a matter of desire (or lack thereof) on her part.
As the holidays are approaching, the radio station WVMC FM has asked us if we want to continue our Luke's Legacy Toy Drive for Columbus Children's again this year. MOST CERTAINLY!! So keep that in mind as you are shopping. We are looking for donations of new toys (b/c of immunity issues) to go to Columbus for the kids who are inpatient. There will be links at the bottom of this page to see their wish list and also to link over to WVMC FM. (The donations can be taken to the radio station if you are local)
I wanted to include an excerpt from my Beth Moore study on the book of Daniel::
" 'He will speak against the Most High and oppress his saints' Daniel 7:25.... In verse 25 you noted that the antichrist will "oppress" the saints. Oppress literally means to 'wear away' or to 'wear out', as one would wear out a garment. Though Satan's persecutions of God's people will reach full measure in the last days, he certainly oppresses Christians today....One of Satan's most effective schemes is simply to wear God's people out. Satan uses exhaustion and profound discouragement to persuade us to give up opposing him. We must not give up! As believers in Christ in whom the Spirit of God dwells, Satan may be able to wear out our human strength, but he cannot wear out the Holy Spirit's. We can call upon God's supernatural strength to fight the good fight of faith and persist in our proclamation of Christ, the son of the Most High God.'"
This was an encouragement to me because I have felt soooo worn out (or oppressed!) in so many areas of my life this year. Honestly, there have been many days I wish I could just walk away from everything. (really!!) How glad I was to realize that the pain wasn't just in my imagination, but to remember that our spiritual battle is waged on us in many fronts. How could I ever forget to turn to God?!... Oftentimes, the days' events seem to mount up, and yet they seem too "small" to bother God with. That is what Satan is banking on- that we will try to take care of it all ourselves instead of leaving it at the throne of God. I still struggle with this daily, but coming across readings like this refreshes me. More pointedly, it REMINDS me to give it ALL over to God. I must humble myself before Him and admit I can't handle it. It's true, only He can.
Thanks for checking in on us again... We are grateful for your prescense on our journey! Love, Monte, Ivy Joscelyn Dane Autumn and St. Luke
10 years and still going!!! Malabar Farm
Saturday, October 7, 2006 8:29 AM CDT I LOVE this time of the year! The pumpkins, crisp fall air, gorgeous colors all around.. just makes me happy breathing it all in! This is a huge reason why I have decided I couldn't ever live too far south or southwest= I would really miss this spectacular show of nature. Although I would REALLY love it if we could have 1 week of winter and skip along into spring! LOL...
Things are cruising along busily here... Joscelyn decided to add the "Ontario Marchers" to her activities. It is basically just a semi-large group of elementary girls who back up cheerleaders, march in parades, half times, etc. I guess it runs the entire school year but is for fun so there isn't a big grief if you miss a practice. Dane, Autumn and I do storytimes at our library as well as MOPS (mothers of preschoolers group at church) and my Thurs am women's bible study too. We are doing the book of Daniel taught by Beth Moore- She is superb at teaching the Word!! You can check her out online if you type in "LifeWay:Womens Ministries" or just Google her name. These studies are like food for me- I get so energized and learn so much. Feel so much closer to our Lord along the way as well :-)
We took note of a point of passage yesterday, October 6th. It was the day that Dane was 3 yrs, 23 days old. That is the same exact age Luke was when the Lord called him home. "Who in the world would notice that??" many ask. The answer lies scarred on the heart of nearly every bereaved parent. I am the one who follows and acknowledges these things. Monte is trying to believe that if he "doesn't think about it" that he is moving on. He and I have had several disagreements over how we grieve, as he is desperate to get past the pain and start living. I feel that I have adjusted to living, but certainly know the pain will always be around, decreasing gradually... ever so gradually...I am learning that with Monte, any feeling that gets below the surface level freaks him out as he doesn't seem to know a good way to deal with it. So it's off to work he goes or zones in front of the tv. Sigh... Pray for us there. Many of you know, patience and a bridled tongue are virtues I still strive to achieve! You would think we would be further down the road after 10 years of marraige, but nope, not us!! LOL..
Back to happy stuff: We are going to a public "park" for hayrides, pumpkins and wonderful fall farm fresh air. (Isn't "farm" and "fresh air" an oxymoron?!) Anyhow, it is Malabar Farm for you locals in the know. We did Wayne's country market fall fun stuff last weekend. I have pics of that on the photo pages. Tomorrow we get to go watch our friends the Lintern's son Steve play college football at Mt Union (not sure where it is yet!) So that ought to be entertaining I hope I hope! And since Monday is Columbus Day, Joscelyn has an extra day off school! "party party party!" LOL....
Hope all is well on your side of this computer screen. Thanks for journeying with us during our lives- we covet your prayers!! Love Ivy and gang
A fact to ponder:
**"We have so much personal debt in our country that the average person has been described as someone driving on a bond-financed highway, in a bank-financed car, fueled by credit card-financed gasoline, going to purchase furniture on an installment plan to put in a savings and loan financed home!"** Crown Financial Ministries, Biblical Financial Study
Wednesday, September 6, 2006 9:21 AM CDT Hello everybody!
Summer is winding down and routines are kicking in again. We are outside so much during the nice weather that my emails and updates get seriously backlogged. Remember, no news is still good news in this family.
Before I forget- let me explain the above sunset photo. Most of you know Lukie died July 31st about 7am after a horrible, horrible night of seizing and convulsions. During the evening of the 30th, I was keenly aware that this would be the last sunset Lukie would be alive to see. So just seeing the sun go down that night was very painful and etched in my memory. ((Cathy, you somehow "knew" this, sending me your own picture of that last sunset from Texas even!)) Well, a couple of weeks before he died, I was asking him to tell me all of his "favorites". When we got to colors, Luke did a switcheroo on me- usually he would say blue and red. Well from this day forward it was orange and purple! Odd, I thought for a 3 yr old.
This year at sunset I was again reflecting back on that night, July 30th 2003. We tried to show Lukie the sunset during a calm spell before we took him downstairs to bed... I wanted him to try to absorb one last earthly glimpse of God's beauty... So as I stood staring out at the evening sky, what did I see but ONLY purple and orange in our sunset!!! No other color like light blue, pink, yellow, etc. WOW- a little personal message from Luke on behalf of God!! It was so vivid and clear I HAD to share it with you all. It made me soooo thankful that God paused long enough to ease my grief with his glorious yet simple display. And, I haven't seen another since. Check it out for yourselves- I am still amazed to see it.
We are all well here- Joscelyn is in school working on week 2. Dane & Autumn are growing and silly. Dane will be 3 in one week already! We are having a small family party for him on the 17th. Then Miss Autumn is turning 1 Oct 18th!! She isn't crawling, but can scoot like a roadrunner on her bottom. Some have said that if they don't learn to crawl properly that they can have developmental problems- anyone else out there heard that? So I will be trying to get more tummy time in I suppose. Both of them miss their big sissy when she is in school but they keep busy anyhow. Both still take naps so that helps me! Monte is very busy BUT we have had several very delinquent customers that we are having to pursue legal actions with to get them to pay up. So that causes some tension naturally.
Speaking of tensions- Praise God= I have been off antidepressants for 2+ months now!!! I had been on them since 9/01 so this is a HUGE PRAISE! No time to get into the story behind that but trust me when I tell you it is a God thing. And yes, I DO feel great!
I'm going to post new pic so look to the photo page for those. Thanks for stopping by and especially for your continued love and prayers! Monte Ivy Joscelyn Dane Autumn and St. Luke of course!
Friday, July 28, 2006 8:25 AM CDT Hey Lukie!
Missing you greatly, happy knowing where you are.
Remembering you with lots of smiles, laughs, cuddly softness.
Praying for God to hurry us ALL home, asking daily for his mercies.
Still wondering HOW we ever got to this point. It's been 3 years since I held you, my baby boy and my head is still spinning.
With a heavy heavy ache in my heart... walking only by leaning on God's promises, I continue on.
Love you my precious, cherished beloved son!!!
Mommy, Daddy, Joscelyn, Dane and Autumn.
Saturday, July 8, 2006 9:01 AM CDT Dear Luke,
You would have turned 6 today. You were born on a Saturday too. Although my heart is still hurting from missing you I am rejoicing over the fact that you were here and you will ALWAYS be our son!!!
Thank you God for letting Lukie be a part of our lives and for letting his life inspire and bring joy to so many.
Finally, thank you to all our Caringbridge friends/families who have so loyally followed our struggle and have seen the victory we have in Christ! Your prescense truly helps ease our pain. We love you!
Thursday, May 4, 2006 3:21 PM CDT Hi dee ho friends! WHOA, was that a long gap in postings or what?! Much to catch up on so lets go...
Most exciting is that we just returned from a long weekend up at Niagara Falls, Canada! We were gone from Thurs pm after Joscelyn got off school. Stopped at the IX Center Indoor Amusement park up in Cleveland first, then spent the night nearby. We had been to the Indoor Amuse. park before, but not with Dane/Autumn. Dane couldn't ride all the rides with Joscelyn which made him sad (too short) They were able to ride quite a few though. Joscelyn knew just what she wanted to get on and it actually made it tough keeping up with her! Even though she had just come off of a full day at school, her energy still far exceeded ours!
After a decent nights' rest, off we went to Canada.
Canadian falls
Thank God for portable DVDs these days! We got up there mid-day Friday and walked around exploring the falls area. Incredibly beautiful, and much more fun than I thought. Saturday we did the hotel's tour consisting of the "Maid of the Mist" boat encounter,
This shows how close you get (safely) to the falls on board the boat.
"Journey behind the Falls", visited a butterfly garden and ended by visiting the "Skylon Tower" which is a very tall structure with an observation deck.
Naught but beautiful butterflies!
Of course the butterfly lands on Monte- He amongst us who liked the exhibit the least! This is the 2nd time he has been tortured by having to tour a butterfly show!! (Randy and Cathy know what I'm talking about!!)
They said you can see for 85mi. We could see Lake Erie & Ontario, New York and Toronto! Amazing!! Definetly stay on the Canadian side= it is waaayyy more beautiful.
American Falls- See?
Sunday brought a day filled with shopping and exploring a local area called Clifton Hill. Basically it is a street with a carnivalesque atmosphere- You've got your Ripley's Believe it or Not,
Inside Ripley's
various wax museums, huge Marvel Comics arcade (think Spiderman, the Hulk, etc.) and several "4-D" moving theatre shows. Oh, and tons of restaraunts!!
Outside the Rainforest Cafe. Dane is really into tree frogs right now.
We had a ball checking everything out. Dane and I went in one of the wax museums while Monte and Joscelyn did a 4-D ride about going over the falls. Unfortunately for Dane, I did not consider that he couldn't differentiate between real and fake yet so consequently the wax figures of people totally freaked him out! The worst part was when we wandered into the "horror" part which had that lady from Alien AND a hissing exhibit of the "Alien" itself!!! Plus Freddy Krueger, Jason and the guy from another famous horror flick which I cannot remember. (I'm not into those movies)
So by the time we got to the celebrity section I was pushing Autumn in her stroller while holding onto a terrified Dane whose head was buried in my shoulder!! Sigh...
Other than that we truly had a wonderful time- no fighting or anything!! YAY!
Our beautiful kids
We were all ready to get back home by Monday evening. Joscelyn missed her friends, Dane missed his buddy Brandon and Monte and I missed our own surroundings! It was surprising to see how much foliage popped out just over the weekend too= all green and leafy when we got home.
Our Autumn Rose
Oh, one other unexpected event occured just a few days before our trip: Dane thought it was hilarious to stick a pony (craft) bead up his left nostril! I could see it but couldn't get it out so off we went to the ER (ick) It wasn't bothering Dane in the least and he was still laughing about it while we were in the hospital...that is until the dr. tried coming at him with 5" tweezers! I told them at the start that I thought he should be put out as I couldn't fathom how they were going to remove it while Dane was awake! So after one lame attempt sent Dane flailing like a mad dog, the dr. agreed to sedate him. They had to start an IV though because the dose of meds. Dane needed would either be given in 4 shots or 1- using the IV that is. So after having 3 of us hold him down while the nurse inserted the needle we were able to get him relaxed. The little bugger really put up a fight!! The med. took effect right away so the dr came back, stuck those tweezers up there and "rolled" the bead right out! Not a drop of blood- amazing!! I don't know about you, but just the thought of putting something way up there hurts!! Now I am just waiting to see the bill for that lovely bead= I am thinking about having it mounted for Dane and explaing that the reason we couldn't send you to college is because we had to pay for this bead you stuck up your nose!!! LOL...
Dane "thought" he had a victory...LOL
So that is life in the Ervin household- Never a dull moment!!! Hope you enjoy the pictures! All you Moms out there, I wish for you a very happy Mother's Day!
Love, Monte, Ivy Joscelyn, Dane, Autumn and St.Luke too!!
Friday, March 31, 2006 10:11 AM CST The Ervin household is finally well!!! Yahoooo! The kids finished up their antibiotics yesterday. Joscelyn and I never did get it- someone mentioned we might be "carriers" for it... who knows.
We are trying to think of someplace to go for a long weekend, but aren't sure what/where. Monte wants to be able to get out and hike, Joscelyn just wants an indoor pool, Dane and Autumn don't care (duh) and I just want peace and ease! We were thinking Mammoth Caves in KY or Niagara falls. Monte is afraid the Falls might be too cool so he would rather go south. Any opinions out there in cyberland?? Monte is really wanting to "create new memories" with the kids so we don't just have vacations with Luke to look back on. Personally I don't care, but I understand his desire to do this too.
Other than that, just preparing our hearts/minds to rejoice in Easter. And spring! We are up to that weekend where we will "lose" an hour of sleep as we skip ahead to daylight savings time... My least favorite night of the year! I have enough trouble getting my hours in without having to 'spring forward'!! LOL...
Have a great weekend and remember what Jesus himself said- "I am THE WAY" - not A way! Love, Monte and Ivy, Joscelyn Dane Autumn and St.Luke
Monday, March 20, 2006 9:39 AM CST =======================================
THURSDAY UPDATE: Dane is still down with his on again off again fever. Monte also went to the dr. Tues pm and was dx with strep throat, then I took Autumn to the peds. last night and SHE tested positive for strep- which makes her the youngest infant (5mo) that the group has seen. Sigh... Joscelyn and I are doing fine, just getting worn out from playing nurse-maid! Keep praying please!!
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http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/11965822/
The above is a link to the latest report on the effectiveness of depression drugs. It is also a good article about depression if anyone is interested.
****Updated Tuesday 3/21/06********
I took Dane to the dr. this morning and found out he has strep throat which carried over to scarlett fever! If I had taken him in sooner the bacteria wouldn't have advanced. Monte thought I was over-reacting when I wanted to take him in Mon. am so I waited... next time I am trusting my mother's intuition!! Please pray for the antibiotics to take effect soon.
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Happy 1st day of spring!! YAY!!! Now will someone please tell mother nature to look at her calendar?! It is a balmy 30* here....
Things otherwise are looking up for me- thank you again for your love, support and patience. Depression is a very ugly disease!- or disorder- or whatever it is classified as. The other med I was on copped out after 5 yrs (which is a good run for them I hear). The thing with depression, at least for me, is that I don't realize it has me in it's full grip until I am completely overwhelmed. Then everything you *think* you know becomes false and vice a versa; at least in your mind. So I start reacting negatively, somewhat irrationally and try to make things right myself, which I cannot. I am sooooo completely blessed to have MOnte as my husband because of his compassion, love and patience with me. Because when I get that sick, I fight treatment because I don't see myself as being sick- then I start thinking Monte is trying to hurt me, which I know in my heart he never would. Those of you who know Monte are agreeing, I am sure. Anyhow, I hope this is something you would never have to go through. It is soooo much more than "having the blues" or even a string of bad days. Those of you who have shared with me about your own struggles, thank you for reminding me I am not alone- and that there is hope. I truly see this as another of Satan's tools to separate me from those I love, especially God. Unfortunately, my spirit grows very weak during those times and it gets hard to hear God's voice. Again, I am so blessed by Monte (most especially!), and my girlfriends who empathize and walk beside me during those times.
I have been reading a book by christian author Donna Partow called "This isn't the life I signed up for....but I'm finding hope and healing". Boy is that appropriate!! Anyhow, in it she says this about the suffering of Job: "Suffering was not a way of life for Job; it was a valley he passed through. The Scripture says we may have to 'walk through the valley of the shadow of death' (Psalm 23:4) but it doesn't say we have to build our homes there." Can I get an AMEN from someone?!!
So there it is. All is well here overall= Mr. Dane has a very nasty cold/fever but I am hoping it will just pass on in the next few days. We are looking forward eagerly to warm weather and the spring flowers that have already broken through the earth out front. I hope all is well in your house as well... Love and blessings, Ivy, Monte Joscelyn Dane Autumn and ST. LUke
Friday, March 3, 2006 9:39 AM CST Ok, I am still here... Just been dealing with simplifying my schedule more. One thing that has taken up too much time is this computer so I have scaled back considerably.
I have been going through some personal trials re: my depression again too. It has been bad so far this year so I have to be careful (more so than ever) of my thoughts and what I am exposed to. My dr. thinks it really stems from my mom's death with a twinkling of hormonal changes from the pregnancies thrown in. In 7 years I have either been pregnant or nursing for over 5 1/2 years. I guess I hadn't really considered that. I am still surprisingly processing what Mom's death and more importantly, her life, meant to me. And how hurtful it has been to lose Luke and now Mom to cancer.... It is such an UGLY disease!!!!
All of this leads to very chaotic, irritable, relentless inner thoughts that are very draining but mostly unproductive. Not a good combination. So my dr. is tweaking with my meds to find a good balance... Please know that I am not psychotic, violent or suicidal nor would I ever ever harm my family. But it does lead me down some negative paths regarding interacting with others in a Godly, pleasant way. And do know that I don't just rely on meds. for this- I have talk therapy to fall back on as well.
So that is the reason I have been "silent". I am very grateful for your emails, e-cards, and gentle reminders that you are all still "out there"...Please keep this in prayer so that I can enjoy life and BE enjoyable with others soon. I am always reminding myself of the words of James (1vs2-4):
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
So I humbly ask for God's grace during this time... and no one's pity.
Love, Ivy & Monte, Joscelyn, Dane, Autumn and St. Luke
Saturday, February 4, 2006 7:36 PM CST
I am back! I must admit I under estimated the intensity and power of grief over my Mom's death. I really "bottomed-out" again for a few weeks and am just now getting a grip on things. I still have a ways to go but I feel the hope again. For those of you who have never held someone you deeply love at the time of their death, I must tell you it is a very very searing feeling. Even though she was suffering, at least we were able to talk to her with the knowledge she was hearing us. Her chest would lift ever so slightly with each breath, she would occasionally turn her head and mumble to one of us. But then you go in right at the time of death and there is NOTHING! Their body is truly just a shell, absolutely no spark or warmth or evidence of any soul/spirit at all. So very very empty and hollow. It caused me to instantly flash back to Luke's death; I still have trouble grasping the finality of death. One moment their spirit is alive and with you, and literally in a moment, they are gone and all you can do is throw your hope on the promise of Christ. Jesus said "I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve but your grief will turn to joy" (John 16:20) Oh how I look forward to that day!!!
Mom and Dad, Jan 14th 1967= I know I am biased, but wasn't she beautiful?
Well I had good intentions on filling you in on the kids and our goings on but I must keep this brief. Joscelyn is cheerleading with the group "Upward" which is a Christian based basketball league operating at a neighborhood church. It is open to non-churched kids as well. This is the 3rd year it has been held and they have had over 600 kids turn out to participate!!! Boys and girls can play b-ball or cheerlead. They practice weekly and have games weekly. During practice they talk about and memorize bible verses, always having a time open for kids to respond to Christ. Joscelyn just loves it and it gives us all something to do during these overcast winter days. She is doing well in school; all stars and plus marks. I guess grades don't come till older year classes. Joscelyn is also participating in the school's Good News Club which is an afterschool program hosted by area churches in conjunction with Childhood Evangelism Fellowship. Another thing she loves. As long as I don't have to beg her to go, I am all for it. The more the Word gets into her (and all of us) the better!
Cheering during half time
Dane and Autumn are just hangin' with the Momma (as Monte says) She is growing like a weed and Dane is always into something. It is amazing how busy his mind is= he literally finds "projects" to work on and actually spends time on them too!
Hey, If you are reading this and are local- come out to our blood drive Wed (Feb 8th) from 12-6! You can schedule an appt by calling/emailing me or just walk in. Think of all the kids and adults that are in need of it. You will save 3 lives by donating!! Great idea to do for Valentines Day!! Hint hint....
We love you and thank you for your patience/graciousness while I try to collect all my marbles again! sigh...
Monte Ivy Joscelyn Dane Autumn and ST. Luke
Tuesday, January 10, 2006 7:36 PM CST
Thank you to everyone who either came by or sent cards/emails to us about my mom. It was a week ago today we buried her. I must tell you that although we miss her greatly- especially her evening phone calls "just to check up"- we rejoice that she isn't suffering any more. Those last couple of weeks were agony for her. She was a great mom and our love for her is forever. My Dad is doing alright... He is finding his way slowly but surely. As caregiver the last few months, Mom gave him clear details on what to do, when. Chores around the apt. that is! Yes, I know he is lonely, but we all keep the doors open for him and he makes his rounds. Fortunately his health is good, except for his knees. He is hoping to get those redone sometime next month.
Also...
HUGE THANK YOU to all the WVMC listners and friends who helped donate over 350 toys this year for the kids down at Columbus Childrens Hospital! What a great outpouring of love and compassion for them in Luke's memory!!
Joscelyn, Dane and Autumn have had a very busy Christmas season too. I'll be telling more about that in the near future. Until then, we thank God for you, your postings, love and simple prescense in our lives. Have a very peace-filled week!
Love, Monte Ivy Joscelyn Dane Autumn and St. Luke- who is thrilled to be playing with his "Maw Maw" again!!!
Wednesday, December 28, 2005 7:55 PM CST 
My mother died today at 4pm, after a long, hard fight against breast cancer. She is now healed, enjoying the love and blessings fully with our Lord. As my aunt commented; I would have loved to see her face when Luke stepped forward to greet her! Someday we too will join them in our Father's heaven... I will post the funeral info when it is confirmed. Thank you for all your love and prayers. Ivy, Monte and family
Thursday, December 15, 2005 5:34 PM CST **Updated Tuesday night, the 20th: My mom is closer to going home to be with our Lord...Her heart is failing her, having almost given out this morning. Please pray for my father and all of us. Especially for Mom who is so very very tired...**
MERRY CHRISTMAS ALL!
I have a special prayer request: My mother is suffering greatly from the pain associated with her cancer. We did learn that unfortunately the breast cancer HAS metastasized to both her bones and stomach. As I write, she is in our local hospital. There is little they can do for her except try to offer comfort. And that is not coming easy either... Pray God sends relief soon for her and His peace for all of us.
Mom on Dec 3 of this year, holding Autumn. She rarely moved from her chair the past few weeks as the spinal pain was too great and she was weak/dizzy.
We are not the only family that has battled cancer on several levels, but it sure doesn't get any easier... It isn't a happy thing to focus on during the holidays yet it also helps me to remember the BLESSING of Christ's birth. I try to stay focused on that miracle, that our own Lord stepped down from heaven to be ONE of us, to LIVE like us so that HE could truly truly relate to our feelings and responses. And He took on the most brutally cruel of deaths. He KNEW how it would end the moment He left his throne above, yet He still came!!! Our suffering is so very brief despite the depths of pain we feel while here on earth. It's my only hope, my only goal- to be WITH Christ at the end of it all. I pray it is yours too, so we can revel in our Father's love and comfort not just here during Christmas but throughout ETERNITY.
That is how we face each day without our Lukie- by remembering how he loved his life in spite of the cancer and by KNOWING how happy and pure his life is now up above with Jesus. My heart aches to be with him none the less....
Treasure each other today and everyday. But really, take the time to let each other know how much you love them and what they mean to you. We love you. Thank you for coming along beside us on this journey we call life...........
Monte Ivy Joscelyn Dane Autumn and St. Luke
Thursday, December 1, 2005 3:49 PM CST Happy December! I am thankful to announce our 2005 toy drive in Luke's memory. We are once again partnering with WVMC FM in Mansfield to raise toys for Columbus Children's hospital. Everyone is excited to see how God is going to work it this year. We would love to see last year's total of 300 toys beat= that would just be AWESOME! I will keep you posted as to how we're coming!
I haven't done much shopping at all yet- I tend to want to know exactly what I am looking for before I go. When I start marking down children, I always pause when I get to Luke...I wonder what he'd be "into" this year. He'd be 5. He was sooo into Superman the last year of his life but still clung to Elmo at night. He was just growing into his sz 3 clothing, which actually were big on him. The chemo had stunted his growth during his 2nd year so he was a bit behind in his growth. He just truly enjoyed anything given him, as do all my kids. Certainly not hard to please and grateful for all. I will still have him on my mind as I shop even though we won't have anything under the tree with his name on it. We do still hang his stocking with the rest of ours.
My mother is still waiting on a test result which would tell us if her cancer is "in" her stomach. Her oncologist seems to think so based on other criteria. It is definetly in her bones though. Please keep her in your prayers as we learn more and how we are to manage it.
Oh- one last thing! I recieved the following from my friend Liz who authored the letter below. I asked her if I could share it with you and she readily agreed. Liz also would love to hear your comments (good or bad) so you can email her at: lizreeves2@aol.com
The Announcement
By: Elizabeth Reeves 12/21/03
Eight pounds, one ounce. 19” long. 7:53pm. Born in the manger behind the Inn. Mary & Joseph joyfully welcome baby Jesus into their lives. Please join us in celebrating the newborn babe.
Being a mom, I have always wondered about those birth statistics of the Christ child. Was He an easy baby? Did He eat well? Did He sleep through the night from day one or was He up during the night til well into His toddler years? Just what would the birth announcement say if that had been customary in His day? I suspect it would’ve been a hard one to write. How exactly do you word a card proclaiming that GOD is in the cradle in the bedroom? Can you tell the Son of God that He has to “cry it out”? Is it even feasible to try & feed the Prince of Peace on a schedule? How did He react to His first tooth? Did He potty train early?
There are so many questions I’d love to ask Mary when I meet her someday! Surely raising the One who would bear the sins of the world on the cross was a challenge….or was it? With Christmastime arriving soon, I wonder how Joseph & Mary celebrated Jesus’s birthday each year? Did they put up a tree & drape it with lights & tinsel? Did they have a guy dress up in a red suit & bring him gifts every year? Did they shower Jesus with gifts at all? Did they eat turkey, ham, potatoes and pie? How does Jesus feel when He watches us do this? Whose birthday are we celebrating anyway?
Why do we feel the need to write a different birth announcement every year? What if the story in the gospels read something more like this: “Come & celebrate the birth of Jesus with 15 gifts per child. Watch preschoolders throw tantrums in the line at the mall while waiting to see a fat guy in a red suit. Endure lines with a dozen shoppers waiting impatiently, trampling mobs seeking the very last Hokey Pokey Elmo…… binge eat turkey, potatoes, ham, pumpkin pie & assemble ½ a dozen toys at 10:30pm on Christmas Eve so that Junior will be pleased on Christmas morning. Oh and by the way, put a little nativity scene in the corner of the living room if you have time.”
Whose birthday is this? This year, let’s try & imagine the birth of the man who would shed His blood for us …….let’s feel the labor pains of a teenager giving birth in a barn surrounded by cattle & chickens……..let’s ponder the birth weight & length of our Savior…..let’s consider the weight of raising GOD and let’s celebrate in a way that honors Him. Make sure He is the guest of honor at your birthday celebration this year.
Friday, November 25, 2005 3:20 PM CST May I be the first to say "Merry Christmas" to you!! What a thankful, peace filled day we had yesterday. We all gathered at our house- my side of the family that is. Joscelyn took it upon herself to have everybody finish this sentence on a piece of paper - "I am thankful for ___". Which she did before we sat down to eat. Monte and I were surprised that she even thought to do something like that but it sure put us in the right spirit! I think our 6 yr old just started a new tradition for us! We ate a yummy meal (my first turkey-whoo hoo!) then sat talking, watching tv, playing games with Josc & tried taking "turkey naps". Our neice Sarah was here and Dane just adores her. She is just over a year so she is more interactive and fun for Dane. Well he kept so busy just showing her all his toys that he not only napped but also slept in later with me this morning (BIG yahoo!) This was the first relaxed, enjoyable holiday gathering we've all had in quite some time. Mom was able to come although they had to leave early b/c of her stomach. While she was here she really loved having all her grandkids (save for Luke) clamoring for her. That is truly what she and Dad live for, is those kids attention and love! She doesn't find out more about her MRI/bone cancer results till next week.
I wanted to share one of several writings I mean to post during this season. They certainly didn't originate with me but each has a special message. Hope you enjoy. Till then, keep your eyes on Jesus, not the sale ads!!! Love, Monte Ivy Joscelyn Dane Autumn and St. Luke
If you close your eyes and listen, you might be able to hear God saying something like this:
"I see you; you're not invisible to me. I see the sacrifices you are making. I see your tears of disappointment. You may feel invisible to those around you, but you are never invisible to me. I miss nothing. No act of kindness, no task, no cupcake, no sequin sewn on is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral. Keep building. You can't see it now, and it will not be finished in your lifetime. You will not have the chance to live there, but if you build it well, I will.".
What would it mean in your life if this were how God feels?
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Sunday, November 20, 2005 2:50 PM CST Hello to all
Once again I was mistaken= couldn't update like I'd wanted. Or when I'd wanted. But I did get Luke's song back up for Thanksgiving. I wanted to share a poem but think I will wait till next posting (hopefully 1 week!)
All is well here with our immediate family. Unfortunately we learned this past week that my mother's cancer is back. This time it is in her bones. She is still having tests done as her health has been very poor for quite awhile now and they want to clearly know where all it has spread. This is not good news obviously, but we have faced this beast before and God will once again see us through, regardless the outcome.
Please give God the thanks and praise this holiday for keeping us all safe through the year and allowing us to live so prosperously= all of us, all over. We especially are thankful that He sent His son Jesus to take our punishment by dying on the cross for our sins. It is through this selfless act that we have the opportunity to truly live forever in paradise with Him (and all the precious ones who have gone before!)
We love you! Monte Ivy Joscelyn Dane St. Luke and Autumn
Tuesday, November 8, 2005 6:49 PM CST Hello to all! Well it has been 3 weeks since Autumn arrived and I feel like it's been 1... Mainly because I have been soooo busy AND sleep deprived (of course). Actually I feel pretty darn good considering. God has mercifully lessened the carpal tunnel to a minimum which was my biggest prayer to have happen asap. At this rate I doubt I will need any kind of therapy and really think it will be completely healed by my 6 wk check-up. I am able to nap mostly whenever I want since Dane still naps too. He is sooo compliant with whatever happens each day (another huge blessing!)
I posted some trick or treat pics for you. That went well- no rain or snow that evening! Dane wasn't scared like I thought he might be. Joscelyn LOVED dressing up and visiting the neighbors in her costume. To her, she was totally incognito so she was surprised when she was recognized! (hee hee hee) We have a fairly large neighborhood so they were gone about 1.5 hrs. I must admit it was a bit sad to see Monte and the 2 kids go off knowing that Lukie should have been there too. You never really "forget" about him, irregardless of the busy-ness or excitement of the season. Actually it is amplified more, just like when Autumn was born and Luke wasn't physically here to celebrate with us.
I need to jump off of here as it is bedtime in the Ervin household- I will update soon b/c there are other things I wanted to post about. Till then, look for God's work in your daily activities- He might surprise you when you take time to look for Him!! Love, Monte Ivy Joscelyn Dane Autumn and St. Luke
SAINT GABRIELLE Please visit her site as it is Gabbie's birth month and her family is hurting very much in their grief for her.
Tuesday, October 25, 2005 9:39 AM CDT HERE SHE IS.... Miss Autumn Rose!! Yes, she finally arrived last Tuesday the 18th at 2:05 am so needless to say we have been playing catch up ever since. She is very healthy, weighed 8.2oz and is 21" long at 11 days early. Everything went well, no complications AND our favorite OB Dr. McMillan was able to deliver her!! I go to a group practice so whoever is on when you deliver is who you get. God has blessed us by letting Dr. McMillan deliver the last 3 which is always a relief for me. I do like all the other drs. too, but feel more comfortable with him and do very much trust him.
Anyhow, we are all enjoying her immensely. She is a good baby, not crying much or being fussy. Still, it's only been a week so we'll see! Joscelyn and Dane are always taking turns with her so I have a feeling she'll be held ALOT. Dane isn't as jealous as we thought he might be, as he is certainly a Mommy's boy. Joscelyn is just like another mother (a smother as the dr.s call it!)
All of this has been VERY good for our family, but I would be lying if I said it didn't bring out the pain of Lukie's absence even more (again). He was such a compassionate loving brother. I know he would be THRILLED to have another sister to love on....
Well, don't have much time now so off I go...Thank you for all your prayers and emails. They certainly are coveted!! We love you all.... MOnte Ivy Joscelyn Dane Autumn and St. Luke of course xooxoxoxox
Wednesday, October 12, 2005 8:49 AM CDT Hello All-
Just a quick post to let you know that baby Autumn still isn't here (whaaaaa!) I saw my OB yesterday and there's been no change as of yet. Although the same was said of Dane and Luke and they both arrived a few days after those visits so go figure. Once my body decides it is "time" out the baby comes without alot of prelabor warnings. So keep praying for us!
Monte's wrist surgery went very well although his ganglion cyst was "atypical" and "filled with alot of garbage" in the words of his dr (hee hee) It was sent off to pathology although Dr. Rob Dawson doesn't suspect cancer or anything like that- just wants to be cautious. Monte was given vicoden for pain control over the weekend but didn't even need it! He doesn't like taking stuff anyhow and we had heard this was some strong stuff. He's been at work since MOnday and seemingly doing fine. Thanks for your prayers in this regard.
Not much else to report at this time and my hands HURT from the swelling/carpal tunnel so I am outta here. Thank you for checking in and sending all the neat emails & postintgs. We love you all.....
Monte Ivy Joscelyn Dane St. Luke and baby 2 be Autumn
Friday, September 30, 2005 8:34 AM CDT Aahhh- the last day of September. (Happy b-day Shari!) Usually I am not overly excited that October is here but since it means I am that much closer to Autumn's delivery date, I am VERY excited! Still no definite news on the pregnancy other than the "Braxton Hicks" are coming more often although painless. I am seeing my OB weekly now so that makes things seem more promising- although they will be the first to deny any insight as to "when" I'll deliver! Sigh... I have gone quickly into labor with the last 2 so we'll pray it is the same this time around. We have everything ready that we need to other than my personal hospital bag. That isn't a problem though b/c I know what I'll need, it's just a matter of getting it in there.
Monte is having wrist surgery on Fri Oct 7th to remove a ganglion cyst on his left wrist. It is done as outpatient so he'll be home quickly, although probably groggy from the anesthetic. The cyst in not cancerous - it is just a fluid filled sac that develops from pressure/strain on the wrist. Unfortunately it has become quite painful for MOnte so he decided it was time to remove it. He'll be "off work" for 2 weeks although I know MOnte and he'll be on the job somewhere doing what he can. When you are self employed, you don't get sick time or "Family Medical Leave"= nope, you just get 'no money'!!! His crews will still be working of course but Monte will be around making sure things go smoothly too. We are hoping that baby Autumn decides to come during this time too so that Monte won't feel so stressed to take any extra time off. Pray for that for us please.
I have been participating in another Beth Moore bible study at church too. IF you don't know who she is or what she is about please visit this website: http://www.lifeway.com/believinggod/. She is ALL ABOUT GOD and very very full of the Spirit to the point of infecting others profusely. This site is the actual study we are doing now and I can't say enough about what we are learning. God reveals soooo much to me through His Word with the help of Beth's biblical literacy. We just got done delving more into faith (our own) and I want to share a passage from the study with you:
" As New Testament believers, the Holy Spirit comes to dwell in us when we recieve Christ as our personal Saviour, and He brings His personality with HIm. When we are yielded to the Holy Spirit's authority, His personality fills us and eclipses our own. When we are not yielded, we grieve the Holy Spirit and operate from our carnal nature. Thank goodness, He still does not leave us, but our faith consequently shrinks. You see, the more we are filled with the Spirit, the more faith we can possess. Because the Holy Spirit is one with the Father and the Son, He always believes God. When He fills us, our fleshly faithlessness will yield to His belief system and we get to possess and exercise it as our own." Beth Moore- Believing God
Isn't that cool?! We cannot do things without God- no matter how smart, righteous, brilliant, good, we think we are. I just LOVE hearing God's Word and how very very applicable it is to my life and heart- and PRAISE HIM for giving us His promise through His Word!
One last thing- it was our 9th anniversary Wednesday and I thought I would humor you by posting our engagement photo taken May '96 by Craig Goetz (Howdy Craig!) Unfortunately neither one of us can fit into these clothes anymore but after Autumn, I have already set up a big weight loss reduction plan!! Believe it or not, it is true: I wore the same size from the age of 15-31 when I got pregnant with Joscelyn. Sigh...
Enjoy the weekend and thank you for stopping by! Love Monte Ivy Joscelyn Dane & always St. Lukie
 Click here to visit their website!!
Monday, September 19, 2005 1:37 PM CDT Hello everybody,
I hate to always begin journaling with an apology, but I do feel you deserve one on account of my lapse in updating. I have been busy, yes, but I also have been melancholy & grouchy for sometime as well. So if I don't have anything "nice" to say, I try not to share the muck...if you know what I mean. I never want sympathy nor do I want to bog others down. I *think* I have been feeling this way b/c of the pregnancy and hormones. Not exactly depression, but rather apathy. I am SO READY mentally for this baby girl to be born- just selfishly to relieve my side effect symptoms from the pregnancy. Like the carpal tunnel, swollen everything, huge belly, stuffy nose, sciatic nerve pain, yada yada yada. I was at the OB a week ago and I still technically have 5.5 weeks to go. The ultrasound showed baby Autumn to be about 5 lbs, 12oz already so I am hoping hoping hoping I go early like I did on the last 2. Even a couple of weeks off is fine by me. Dane was 2 weeks early at 8.6#.
Even writing about wanting to be over this pregnancy sounds very selfish to me- but it is honest. Yet when I think about how much others are suffering b/c of chronic health issues, the hurricanes of course and other life challenges I feel even more guilty for complaining. So what do you do???... I have tried to keep focusing on God's plan for me and our family and staying close to His Word. We are called to "rejoice always and pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you" (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18) So I believe and know, this too shall pass and I will not be weighed down forever. Just one day at a time...
All else is moving along peacefully in the Ervin household. We celebrated Dane's 2nd birthday Saturday with a small party here at the house. He had alot of fun as did we all. He's just so happy with anything and everything that it is pure joy just to watch him!
Joscelyn is doing fine in school, already reading and writing well. She just LOVES to draw so art is special to her too. If asked what her favorite part of school is though she will already tell you RECESS!!! Geesh= only in first grade and already to that stage! hee hee hee She has said "first grade is waaayyyy better than kindergarten!" Hope each year is like that to her!
My mother is slowly (and I do mean slowly) recovering from back surgery almost 2 weeks ago. They put some type of foamy cushion material in between her spinal discs where the fracture was. I am not sure what it is called but the way they described it reminded me of the product MOnte uses on so much called "Great Stuff"! Anyhow, she experienced a mild rejection episode to the product which caused major pain throughout her whole system. When Monte heard that her immune system was trying to reject it, he comically asked her- "Oh, so you still HAVE an immune system?!" LOL>.. this is b/c of all her cancer treatments and other health issues the past 3 years. She does feel better every day but has lost a tremendous amount of weight. So now we are trying to "pump the Momma up"!! My brother Chris is into phys. training and sells weight products for bodybuilders, etc. We have told him to get Mom on some protein weight gain shakes/supplements just so we can bulk her up!!! If only it were that easy... Sigh...
Still have Lukie on our minds too. Took his fall scarecrow up to his grave yesterday and chatted a bit. Joscelyn has been more verbal with telling us when she thinks of him lately. I am glad she isn't reserved about remembering him. It seems soooooooooo long since we held him, yet the pain is so very very near to the surface. I still am observing and adjusting to living with this thing called parental grief. Although we feel we have made "progress" over the past 2 years, we also are acutely aware of how SO MUCH has been changed by Luke's death, in our lives, our emotional/mental vision, expectation,- you name it. Just amazing.... At times I think I've come far, yet other times I am whisked back to the beginning, dark terrain, pain and all. So bizarre...
Ok, I must get off of here and go do the laundry. I have all our summer/Sept photos online at the Kodak Gallery for those of you who are interested in seeing them. Just email me for a link. We love you and are very grateful you have come alongside us on this journey. God has continued to bless us through you. Love, Monte Ivy Joscelyn Dane and St. Luke as well as baby 2 be Autumn Rose
SEPTEMBER IS CHILDHOOD CANCER AWARENESS MONTH!
Monday, August 29, 2005 9:43 AM CDT Hello friends,
Many apologies for the lapse in journaling. It's been a combination of busy-ness, sporadic "blue" days and just plain lack of ambition. I have read all your entries & emails which we do truly appreciate. Unfortunately my email box is a full mess as far as replying goes too...
The fun news first: since I last journaled, we have been to Kings Island, the Ohio State fair, hosted a 'Backyard Bible Club' and just enjoyed the sunny days either at the pool or in our own neighborhood. Praise God for air conditioning though, because along with the heat we have has some pretty nasty humidity. Even when not pregnant, I cannot tolerate feeling sticky and icky so it is such a blessing to be able to step inside to cool down when we need to.
Awayyyy they go at Kings Island!!!
The parks were fun and the kids enjoyed as many rides as we could squeeze in. Monte and I like going to the fair b/c of all the goodies the vendors sell along with the french fries of course! This was our first year doing a backyard bible club which is our church's version of vacation bible school. It seems to be more effective at getting to unchurched children/families as well as bringing neighbors together. We had an avg. of 12 kids a day (elementary age) and had LOTS of fun. Our neighbor Susan helped by teaching it as she has more experience at that than I- plus she is REALLY good! (She is a teacher too by profession) We have already decided to do it again next year!
The other way we've kept busy is by helping my parents move out of their home of 32 years. This has been planned for quite sometime, but once they listed the house it was sold within 2 weeks. That part wasn't planned! My parents HATE doing garage sales so they donated all their furniture, extra things, china, linens, decorations (you name it) to our friend/pastor Paul Lintern who distributed it amongst the families living in LUKE's place, Kathie's house and to others who could use it but maybe not afford it. That was a HUGE undertaking as it took Paul 3 days to load things up. But a likewise HUGE blessing to mom & dad as they were so relieved to see it go. They have gone from a 4 bedroom home to a 2 bedroom apt with typically very limited storage. I was fine with seeing the house sold, as it frees up so many things for my parents. The only part that saddened me is that this is the place Lukie died and I won't be able to go be there whenever I want to. So I took many pictures, especially of the space where he took his last breath. I do not believe his spirit is there, but it is the site of so much pain and suffering. I would go there and pray that he wasn't really feeling all that we watched him go through those last few hours. Now God has sealed that up for me, telling me that it's ok and time to move past that. It is up to me to let Him comfort my heart towards that circumstance. It is hard.... I'm not sure why, but in an odd way it comforts us to hold onto certain memories, painful as they may be....
So in the meantime, my parent get moved in and on the 2nd day there Mom fractures a disc in her spine! Due to her osteoporosis, her bones are literally like swiss cheese even though she does take meds designed to help strengthen them. (too little to late though) She wasn't lifting anything, just bent over to put a couple of things under her bathroom sink and when she stood up it happened. So now we are waiting to find out if they can do surgery or if she will just have to wait it out.... This made me very sad and depressed for her as she never complains despite having numerous things wrong healthwise. But now she's trapped in a new place with things still not where they belong, yet all she can do is look at it b/c of the pain or severe drowsiness of the meds. My brothers, Monte and I have done alot to organize and settle them in, but Mom said to leave the rest go. (And even still, when Mom talks, we listen!) Oh, she was also dx. with skin cancer on her face the week before they moved. Nice icing on the cake, huh?....
Joscelyn starts school tomorrow of which she is very excited! I have to admit I am too for her- she is just getting too bored around here so it will be nice to be able to have things to do. She seems to be task oriented and if there isn't anything "set" to do, she flounders around. Of course, Dane will be missing her greatly through the day but I am hoping he and I will find our own things to do. I also see the OB this week- down to 2 week visits so baby Autumn's time is growing nigh! I get another ultrasound in 2 more weeks so we'll see what the dr. says then. I am more than ready to not be pregnant again!!
Thank you for being so faithful and compassionate. We love each of you! Monte Ivy Joscelyn Dane and St. Luke
PS> check out the new pics on the photo page!
Dane felt it necessary to make a call from top of the "Eiffel Tower" at Kings Island!
Tuesday, July 26, 2005 9:16 AM CDT Dear Luke,
I found your green play bucket the other day as I was picking up after Joscelyn and Dane. It still says "Luke Gabriel" on it. There was dried mud on the outside and I thought how ironic it was that here I still have your cheap plastic bucket while YOU, my precious treasure, lie buried in dirt. How very wrong...
Daddy and I made it through your birthday well, but your death date is much more painful. Not just because of the suffering you endured those last few days, although that was a glimpse of hell that I never want to see again. No, this date is harder because we are marking more time without YOU. Your absence is ALWAYS felt Lukie, but especially when we recognize how very long it has been without you. Only 2 years chronologically, but in our hearts it has been 2000.
We KNOW you are so happy and joyfull in heaven- being in God's prescence, seeing Jesus face to face, having all things beautiful and loving. But the joy we were able to share with you is now on hold- indefinetly. We'll never be able to go fishing with you again, never get excited about you starting school, never see you laughing at your brother and sister(s). It is that seperation, the total impossibility to share in your joys and experiences that tears at our hearts.
So often the grief is utterly beyond words. We kind of give up trying to explain it. I've noticed that both myself and Daddy don't talk much with others anymore. Yes, we still have a deep compassion for people, but so much of the trivialness of life has left us empty. It is hard to empathize with someone who hasn't had the degree of loss as we have. And the ones who have, it gets too painful to look at each others' horrors- the endless pain gets more so. Daddy tries so hard to keep it in when he is away from the family. Often times he comes home and is worn out from "work"- the work of managing his emotions, not the physical labor he does each day. I have become weary from trying in vain to put labels on the ever churning sea of emotions. We know our friends want to help us, and overall they have. It is just so hard to know what to do, say and ask for. It is easier to just hang back. We are surviving, day by day. We focus on the fact that we are each day closer to being reunited with you and having eternal gladness with our Lord in paradise.
July 31st 2003 our world and the way we see it changed forever. It is a huge crevice in time where our clocks were abruptly reset. Your absence Lukie will always crush our hearts. Time DOES NOT heal this pain- only fools believe that. God's love comforts us, but we are slowly realizing this pain is ever present. Both in existance and degree. We cannot deny it, but somehow learn to live with it and still enjoy this God given life we still have.
Lukie, we miss your laughing, your silly "Up high! Dub dub!!" Your parading around in your 'super' Luke Gabriel knit blanket as your cape, your willingness and even pride when you would visit the doctor, giving everyone smiles despite what news they had to give us that visit. Your following Da da around, taking his tools, getting into his paint, popping my flower heads off because you liked to see the petals fall. Chasing our old neighbor Mr 'Pencer up through the back yards to his garden or just sitting in his garage with him as he watched the dogs play. As many children are, you were content to just BE, whereever you were put.
You are ALWAYS and FOREVER in our hearts Lukie- and I know you know that. Give Jesus a big hug for us and ask Him to COME BACK SOON!!! We love you baby!!!!! Mama and Dada
You and that bucket at Va Beach, August 02 (He was still receiving IV antibiotics for a blood infection from his chest tubies which we had to have removed just prior to vacation)
Friday, July 8, 2005 8:56 PM CDT HAPPY "WOULD HAVE BEEN 5" BIRTHDAY LUKIE!!!!
Although we wish you had been well enough to stay awhile longer on earth with us, we know you are well, happy and in a supernatural state of peace surrounded by our Father's love. We are sending you many happy hugs, loads of kisses and big smiles! We'll be seeing you soon baby!
Forever getting all our love xoxoxoxoxoxo
Mommy Daddy Joscelyn Dane and your new sister Autumn
Friday, July 1, 2005 1:47 PM CDT Happy Birthday Joelle!! (gotcha)
Also Happy 4th of July to all. I am not the most patriotic person although with the poor guys over in the Middle East, I have found myself becoming more so. Please say an extra prayer for them this weekend, whether or not you are behind the President's plan (which becomes foggier every time I hear it)...
All is pleasantly quiet on the homefront so not much to report. I am sponsering another blood drive at Berean (our church) on July 13th in Luke's memory. We could certainly use your help if you would like to donate or volunteer by handing out snacks/drinks to the donors. Just call or email me anytime!
Joscelyn has been wanting short hair again so I relented and cut it for her last week. Still need to upload those photos so check back. She looks absolutely awesome with it and I am so glad I gave in= especially with the heat we have been having!
Mr. Dane should be moving into a "big boy" bed (twin size) this weekend too. Mom and Dad are trying to clean out their stuff so they can list their home (with a realtor) Monday. Consequently Monte and I have to get that out of their basement for them tomorrow. I am thrilled to see Mom and Dad finally do this as it is one less burden for them to shoulder. They have a 4 bedroom house and only use 1/3 of it with all of us gone. They have been paying for lawn care, periodic housecleaning, etc. so this will actually be saving them money. They are going to rent an apt so Dad doesn't have to "do a darn thing"! Yeah for them!
We'll be seeing fireworks somewhere I am sure- Josc knows what she is missing now! HOpe everyone out there has a SAFE happy yummy weekend- Love to all!! Monte Ivy Joscelyn Dane St. Luke and baby to be Autumn
Thursday, June 9, 2005 8:02 PM CDT We found out today we are expecting a GIRL!!!! She was very modest and stayed curled up most of the ultrasound although we were able to catch a couple of yawns! She never revealed her entire bottom but we definetly did not see any male anatomy hanging around (hee hee hee) Needless to say, Joscelyn is ecstatic! She has been praying daily for a sister, feeling she has endured enough "boy stuff" with Luke and Dane. Dane is still a tad young to realize the gender issue- he is just happy to know Mommy has a baby in her tummy!
The other good news we learned today is that my mother is still cancer-free. She has been through 2 rounds of breast cancer in 5 years. She was hospitalized all last week as they ran tests on her lungs b/c she has had persistant pneumonia since March. Antibiotics just haven't gotten her over it and with her history things looked quite iffy. Anyhow, after having her lungs aspirated and the fluid sent to pathology we learned the good news. So next week we will see what the next step will be to get her back to her spunky ol' self.
All else is going well here. I will be uploading new pics soon- haven't had time tonight. I wanted to pass along the good results to everyone. God is GOOD and I know Lukie is rejoicing with us about his new sibling. He would be SO happy!!...
Love, Monte, Ivy Joscelyn Dane, St. Luke and ....Autumn Rose Ervin!! (Monte has the honor of naming the girls!)
Saturday, May 14, 2005 11:35 AM CDT Here I am= late again! I am not blaming it on depression, rather the nice sunny weather we have had. We held a garage sale last weekend (very successful), went to several of Joscelyn's soccer games, planted, weeded and mowed as well as all the other "fun" stuff like doing laundry, bills, cleaning, etc. I am the designated lawn mower and that grass has been keeping me very busy! Our backyard still isn't in so I only have the front to do. We currently don't have a riding mower so I get exercise by walking it. Our excavator (friend of Monte's) has been telling us he'll be here "this week" for the last 4 weeks! Monte doesn't want to use anyone else b/c this guy is cutting him a deal so here we wait...
All in all things are going well. Mother's Day was bittersweet with missing Lukie. Thank you to all who sent cards/notes- they keep me reminded that I am not alone in this sorrow. I must admit that having Joscelyn and Dane still here is a HUGE blessing!! They are so filled with laughter, joy and love that my grief is staved off until I am alone at bedtime again. That is the time I reflect and the pain is hard to resist when I am weary.
Joscelyn is nearly done with school this year- their last day is the 27th of this month! She has LOVED school fortunately. Our area has "summer recreation" which is run by the city rec. dept in conjunction with the schools. It is a 2 week summer program in the mornings in which the kids get to pick 3 'classes' to do. Joscelyn wanted to sign up for both weeks so I am happy she is so into learning. She'll get to learn baton, cheerleading, outdoor games, more soccer, spanish & arts/crafts- pretty cool huh? I kind of wish I could go! Hee hee hee
Dane is just his silly ol' self. He is talking more and more, but really enjoys making me and Daddy laugh. He can make the funniest expressions, somehow knowing which one will break us down quickest when he's in trouble. He is still napping so I often take advantage of that quiet time by laying down too- I hope he's still doing it a year from now, but I'm not holding my breath on it!
Monte and I (along with Paul & Peggy L.) are running a L.U.K.E. booth at the upcoming Ontario Fest this Friday in order to spread awareness/raise funds. Paul has been the "main man" in charge of the 2 homes purchased in Luke's memory to raise funds for our org. They will both be paid off this summer, already!! This will enable us as an org. to donate around $1000 each month to other people, groups, etc.- Isn't God awesome?! Paul and Peggy have been so faithful with what God has provided, being an excellent example of the faithful servant in the Parable of the Talents found in Matthew 25vs 14-30. We are honored to be able to help others alongside with them!
Until next time, please pray for the following people I know need God's peace & intervention: the family of Benjamin Jones, Heidi Lowe, Kody Kruppenbacher, Michael Dornauer, Eileen, as well as many others unspoken here but known to God... Thank you for faithfully checking in on us. Enjoy the new photos on the back page! Love Monte Ivy Joscelyn Dane St. Luke and Baby E4
Paul and Peggy
Wednesday, April 27, 2005 9:33 AM CDT Thanks for hanging in there with me friends! The prayers have been working- my dr. decided the depression was (again) hormone related as it seems to be subsiding the past week. I am almost 14 weeks along already so the upheaval of the 1st trimester is fading fortunately. Praise God!
For those of you who we met midstream during Luke's illness, I thought it would be helpful if I let you know how he was diagnosed. So here it is:
It all began early 2002....We had been noticing Luke was carrying his head to the right off and on since he was 18months. So at the 18mo well baby check up I mentioned it to his ped. dr who agreed it didn't seem right. At the time, I told her " I know he hasn't fallen/injured himself because I am with him 24/7. The only time I have ever seen people walk like that is if they had had a stroke or have a brain tumor." Little did I know how very true my words would turn out to be.
A cervical x-ray was ordered to check on the spinal column. The results were clear. We scheduled an eye exam with a pediatric opthamologist in case there was a vision problem and Luke was trying to compensate by tilting his head. This too was clear. Both appts occured within 9 days. I mentioned doing an MRI both to the ped. and to the opthamologist b/c I knew soft tissue problems just don't show up on xrays (which I personally think are useless unless you KNOW you are dealing with a broken bone). So the opthamologist agreed and sent his recc. to my ped. In the meantime, my ped. scheduled physical therapy for Luke in case it was a muscular problem, which was probable.
So while we waited for the MRI to be obtained we started PT. Unfortunately, the MRI wasn't scheduled for 4 weeks post- eye exam due to paperwork on both drs. ends & scheduling.
The PT was also puzzled with Luke as he could/would hold his head straight when asked, didn't seem bothered by massage, neck stretches, etc. that we were doing at home to hopefully "strengthen" a weak neck muscle.
After 4 PT sessions, our MRI was done on Feb. 28th at 1pm. locally. By 2pm, I was still at the hospital where the scan was done, having been told to wait while the scan was checked for clearness. I soon learned that was just a stall tactic while my ped. was reached so she could arrange for what would happen next.
To make a long story short, I was told via phone at 2pm that "Luke has a large mass in his brain. I need you to go home, pack an overnight bag and drive immediately to Columbus Children's hospital. Dr. Kosnik, a neurosurgeon will be waiting for you there." Keep in mind, I had gone in for the MRI assuming 1) we wouldn't be told anything that day which was typical. 2) what would be revealed would just show a muscle deformity of some sort in his neck. I had pushed the brain tumor theory to the back of my mind after being reassured by others that certainly someone Luke's age wouldn't have such a thing. So I was by myself, holding my precious Luke when my world literally collapsed.
Several nurses came to me and hugged me, tried to calm me, etc. until I realized I had to move NOW. I called Monte who met me at home and by 3:30 we were on the road to begin our battle with childhood cancer.
Luke's tumor turned out to be an ependymoma which means it grew out of the cells that line the ventricular canals in your brain. His grew out of the 4th ventricle which is in the back of the head at the base of the brain where your brainstem attaches. This is a ridiculously tough area to surgically get to without causing death so only 20as removed surgically. They were hoping for 80est case scenario.
In the end, our oncologist has told us that the tumor *probably* began to grow at around 15months. They consider us as having discovered it early as Luke did not present with any other symptoms other than head tilt. Most brain tumor patients don't think anything is wrong until they start getting severe headaches, morning nausea upon rising, dizzy spells, etc. So in that respect we were fortunate. There is nothing known that caused his tumor environmentally. On my side we DO have a serious predisposition to cancer- out of 4 generations, only my bro and I have NOT developed cancer. Our onc. says more than likely Luke's tumor was triggered by a mutation of a tumor suppressor gene located on one of several chromosomes. The big question is 'what causes the mutation to occur?' Which is actually the big Q for many cancers.
How we have prayed Luke's life could have been different- for our sakes. But we have also truly thanked God for what it was, and the beautiful impact it has had on so many. God's will is forever mysterious and that is where your faith either sustains you or fails you. We have chosen to continue to believe and to rejoice that God is OUR God and HE does care.
Thursday, April 21, 2005 7:17 PM CDT I apologize for not updating sooner. It seems my pregnancy (hormones) have triggered a relapse in my depression. Consequently I have been reluctant to do much or say much. Some days it takes all I have to do what I need to be doing for my family. Unfortunately this is not a surprise as these lovely hormones do seem to short circuit alot of womens' lives...and it isn't the first time for me either. The side effects are just very burdensome so it makes just "living" a daily pain. I have been in heavy prayer (and even requested prayer from others) to ask God to lift this black ugly cloud. I know it takes time but I do feel I will be relieved soon. I do see my dr. next week anyhow so I know she will be able to offer good advice. I am blessed in that she is also a committed Christian, a mother and very knowledgeable lady!
Pregnancy wise, I am feeling fine and all appears as it should be. I also see my OB next week so any exciting news I will be sure to post. I have been having severe bouts of grief over Lukie again too. I know when my depression kicks in it makes me more vulnerable to the searing pain of his death. I SOOOO MUCH want him back with us (healthy that is!). He would be turning 5 this July and getting ready for Safety Town, kindergarten, all those beginning milestones we look forward to seeing our children cross.
Another factor preying on my mind is that Dane is now the same age that Luke was when we learned about his brain tumor. So naturally I am hyper-viligant to any (perceived) unusual reactions Dane has/does. I know he is fine, but I let myself get carried away in thought. Even if he wasn't fine, GOD IS IN CONTROL and I must keep my mind focused on that. It is just so very exhausting when you are constantly battling your own mind. I was up from 5:30-6:15 this morning praying feverantly to God to help me in this spiritual battle. I just so feel the Enemy trying to weaken my sanity through raising doubt and fears about my children. And as I said, I realize I am particularily vulnerable at this point.
Well enough said about that.... But now you know why I've been on the quiet side lately. Thank you for visiting and I am very grateful for your devotion & compassion towards Luke and the rest of us... Peace and love, Ivy, Monte Joscelyn Dane and St. Luke, along with baby-E4
Friday, April 8, 2005 8:58 AM CDT Our friend from Columbus Children's Hospital, Benjamin Jones, died Thursday morning from his medullablastoma. In sympathy and heartache, I offer the following excerpt taken from "Gone but not Lost" by David W. Wiersbe:
[["No one tells us how much death hurts. There is a physical pain beyond describing; some parents have called it the 'stomachache that never ends.' There is a sense of dislocation, of being on the outside, watching events unfold. But there is also the constant internal awareness that 'This is really happening to me, right now.'
It is not nature's way for a child to die before his parents. We expect our parents will precede us in death, then it will be our turn. No parent expects to make his or her child's funeral arrangements.
Pain is part of life-even the pain of grief. The pain of grief is hard to describe, harder to explain, and sometimes overwhelming. It is a special pain, and no drug gives relief. It takes time to come to terms with the pain of grief.
In grief's agonies you are not alone. God cares about what you feel, and what you are going through. God is not indifferent to your pain- He shares it. Consider this affirmation: 'In all their affliction He was afflicted, and the angel of His prescense saved them' (Isaiah 63:9). When you hurt, God hurts with you and for you. It helps to go to someone who understands how you feel. When you go to God, He promises to comfort and give you strength. Truly He does care and understand like no one else. His Son died too."]]
Yes, the pain is nearly unbearable when your precious child dies- and frequently still is in the months/years that follow. Only by relying on God's promise of grace extended to us through Christ are we able to endure. Please pray for Brian, Anne and Zachary as they learn to live on without their sweet Ben... http://www.caringbridge.org/oh/benjaminj
Thank you for caring about us. We love you! Monte Ivy Joscelyn Dane and St. Luke
Friday, April 1, 2005 6:00 PM CST Yippeee! April is finally here! I will tell you it is much easier to get enthused enough to do something when it is sunny out. Although I am still very tired much of the time from the pregnancy. As you can see above, we got our first glimpse of Baby E4 this week. It is always sooo exciting to see your child for the first time and to hear its heartbeat! Even though it looks like a grayish white peanut with appendages, my heart still instantly fell in love with it! As has been said... "the face only a mother could love"!! LOL...
Things are pleasantly calm & quiet here at the Ervin household so I really don't have much to update. I wish I could say that for everyone I know... Please keep Benjamin J. in your prayers. I imagine you all know he is very very close to seeing our Lord. His parents were told he would probably only be here another week. Due to the "new" CB policy on linking, I can not post the link but will email it to you if asked. The same goes for Michael Dornauer whose tumors are increasing as his time is decreasing. Their families soooooo need our love and support at this time.
Thanks for checking in on us. I posted new pics on the photo page. Hope you enjoy!! Love Monte Ivy Joscelyn Dane St. Luke and Baby E4
Wednesday, March 23, 2005 5:44 PM CST As I was reviewing the headlines this evening I came across the following:
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BOSTON (Reuters) - The death of a child can cause not only devastating grief, but later serious mental illness as well, researchers reported on Wednesday.
The study of more than a million Danish parents showed that losing a child under the age of 18 raised the risk of serious mental crisis, requiring hospitalization, by 67 percent.
And it takes five years for the risk to subside, the researchers report in this week's issue of the New England Journal of Medicine.
Women were the most vulnerable, according to the study. Their chances of ending up in a psychiatric hospital for the first time increased 78 percent following a child's death.
Fathers who lost a child had a 38 percent increased risk of being hospitalized for psychiatric illness.
Because the study did not assess less severe mental health problems, the researchers said their findings "underestimated (the) incidence rates for overall psychiatric illness" following the death of a child.
The team, led by Jiong Li of the University of Aarhus in Denmark, also found that in the much rarer cases where a parent lost two or more children, the risk of being hospitalized for a psychiatric disorder more than doubled among men, increasing 139 percent, and more than tripled among women, increasing 235 percent.
Such risks "were highest during the first year after bereavement, remained significantly increased five years or more after the loss," and went down if the parents had more than one child.
Previous studies have shown that losing a parent during childhood or losing a spouse also heightens the risk of mental illness.
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As I was diagnosed with clinical depression before Luke's illness, I personally can testify that it it ONLY because of God's mercy, grace and promise of salvation that I am not numbered as one who has "fallen". He IS faithful, He IS true!
May you have a special Easter holiday, praising God for all He has done in your life and those around you! He lost His ONLY SON too... He knows my pain and my grief...
Praise God for His sacrifice so that I might live again!!
Happy Resurrection Day!!!!!!!!!! Love, Monte Ivy Joscelyn Dane St. Luke and baby E-4
Sponser Nan , Anne and Karin as they shave their heads in Luke's Memory!
*** Thank you to Eileen for sharing the following recipe***
FAVORITE EASTER RECIPE (TO BE MADE THE EVENING BEFORE EASTER)
Ingredients:
1 cup whole pecans
1 tsp. Vinegar
3 egg whites
A pinch of salt
1 c. sugar
A zipper baggie
A wooden spoon
Mixing bowl
Electric mixer
Wax paper
Cookie sheet
Tape
Bible
Your children
Preheat oven to 300 degrees. Place pecans in zipper baggie and let the children beat them with the wooden spoon to break into small pieces. Explain that after Jesus was arrested, He was beaten by the Roman soldiers. (Read John 19:1-3)
Let each child smell the vinegar. Put 1 tsp. of vinegar into the mixing bowl. Explain that when Jesus was thirsty on the cross, He was given vinegar to drink. (Read John 19:28-30)
Add the egg whites to the vinegar. Eggs represent life. Explain that Jesus gave His life to give us life. (Read John 10:10-11)
Sprinkle a little salt into each child’s hand. Let them taste it and brush the rest into the bowl. Explain that this represents the salty tears shed by Jesus’ followers, and the bitterness of our own sin. (Read Luke 23:27)
So far the ingredients are not very appetizing. Add 1 cup sugar. Explain that the sweetest part of the story is that Jesus died because He loves us. He wants us to know and belong to Him. (Read Psalms 34:8 and John 3:16)
Beat with a mixer on high speed for 12 to 15 minutes until stiff peaks are formed. Explain that the color white represents the purity in God’s eyes of those whose sins have been cleansed by Jesus. (Read Isaiah 1:18 and John 3:1-3)
Fold in the broken nuts. Drop by teaspoons onto wax paper covered cookie sheet. Explain that each mound represents the rocky tomb where Jesus’ body was laid. (Read Matthew 27:57-60)
Put the cookie sheet in the oven, close the door and turn the oven OFF. Give each child a piece of tape and seal the oven door. Explain that Jesus’ tomb was sealed. (Read Matthew 27:65-66)
GO TO BED! Explain that they may feel sad to leave the cookies in the oven overnight. Jesus’ followers were in despair when the tomb was sealed. (Read John 16:20 and 22)
On Easter morning, open the oven and give everyone a cookie. Notice that the cracked surface and take a bite. The cookies are hollow! Explain that on the first Easter Jesus’ followers were amazed to find the the tomb open and empty. (Read Matthew 28:1-9)
****HE HAS RISEN!!!!!!**** Alleluia!!!!!
Wednesday, March 16, 2005 9:12 AM CST UPDATED FRI MAR 18....
I have been alerted by the "caringbridge police" that I am not allowed to post other CB site links... So I removed them per the request... sigh... Here is a copy (in part) of what was sent:
"CaringBridge is very concerned with confidentiality. It is our stance
that CaringBridge pages should not be linked together without controls
in place that ensure authors of the pages have provided permission.
The linking of CaringBridge pages has caused several issues and we are
taking steps to control abuses and breaches of confidentiality.
In the future, CaringBridge will be providing a controlled method to
have pages listed in a directory – but never within others pages. This
practice opens up too many opportunities to invade ones privacy."
I personally look at all these privacy laws that are being enacted as one of Satan's tools. By limiting our contact with one another we are unable to easily encourage/support one another. Although saddened, I am complying...
Happy St. Patrick's Day!!
No, we aren't Irish, I just like this little holiday!
Team St. Luke (ST. BALDRICK'S) are shaving their hair today into mohawks- the first of 2 shavings to raise money for the fight against childhood cancers. Here is the note Nan sent me last night....
"As we are in the final countdown to "hair art" (read: probably 95air loss and some VERY silly styling with the remainder), I've been thinking a great deal about Luke, our inspiration, the boy who gave us the courage and insight to begin this journey. I know Luke will be with us tomorrow night - hopefully, he'll be having a good laugh!
We'll post pictures on our webpage on Thursday. And don't forget to remind everyone - we're not done yet. We're only half-way to making our goal! We're going to be fundrasing like crazy until we see that beautiful $20K pop up on our webpage.
Love,
Nan xx"
Nan, Karin & Anne, We are sooo grateful you have taken up the challenge of raising money to find a cure!! Thank you for including Luke in your fight. May God abundantly bless your efforts as you work towards saving these littlest ones....
Other notes: My first OB appt went fine- just paperwork mainly. On my next visit on the 31st I will have an ultrasound to measure the baby at 10wks. This is one of the "perks" of being at 'advanced maternal age'!! LOL... I am feeling mildly nausea off and on throughout and of course sleepy. Otherwise, expecting an uneventful 7 more months.
Please visit Benjamin and Michael's sites to offer your prayers for their safe, comfortable journies home to paradise...
Thank you for visiting Luke's page. It brings a great deal of comfort to us knowing others remember our son. Love, Monte Ivy Joscelyn Dane St. Luke and Baby E-4
Sponser Nan , Anne and Karin as they shave their heads in Luke's Memory!"
Tuesday, March 8, 2005 11:35 AM CST I have serious cabin fever!!! I woke up to more snow AGAIN- uhg! Joscelyn woke up with a icky tummy this morning but felt ok by the time the bus came at lunch time (whew!) But in the meantime we had to call in sick for our MOPS meeting which was going on this morning. It is the 2nd one I have missed which is a rare rarity for me! sigh.... It was so nice the past 2 days, sunny, windy but NO SNOW! I was actually contemplating starting seeds indoors for spring.... Away went that enthusiasm.
I know, there are so many other more serious problems happening to people right now that I really shouldn't let the weather get to me like this. Maybe it is the caffeine withdraw I am going through too... I always give up any caffeine during my pregnancies only to re-addict myself soon after delivery. A really stupid thing, but I just LOVE Diet Coke (especially). Only from the fountain- the canned stuff just doesn't taste right.
Actually things are going rather peacefully (albeit slow) here. Dane and Daddy are well, Joscelyn teeters on the edge of boredom as do I. The baby seems ok- I go to the first dr visit next week. So you see, I really don't have anything to gripe about!
I do have 2 quotes I want to share with you today. They both come from our Sunday sermon on anger- which unfortunately is an emotion I am familiar with. The first is "Good anger among fallen people is rare"...following with Ephesians 4:26 instructing us to "Don't sin by nursing your grudge. Get over it quickly for when you are angry you give a mighty foothold to the devil" Amen to that! Something I am constantly reminding myself of.
The second quote comes from a father who had just lost his son in a hazing ritual some years ago at Texas A&M. His son was told to "run till you fall down" which he did. Sadly, the young man never got up. But when given the opportunity to speak at his son's funeral his father let it be known that he and his wife harbored no ill will towards the university. (His son had been known for his Christian beliefs on campus by the way...) Anyhow, people pressed him with the usual "Why do you think this happened? Arent' you tortured by it?" Wherein the father responded "I believe this happened so that many more will consider where they will spend eternity." HOW TRUE....
Please folks, you just might not be here to read this tomorrow. Don't put off the only and most important decision you have to make during this life: where you will spend eternity. Why do you think you can do it later?! Get real- your life will only amount to the space of this period at its' end- even if you live to be over 100. Eternity is just that: forever. Don't spend more time choosing your car, living space, planning summer vacation than you do your salvation. 1 John 1:6 says "SO if we say we are His friends but go on living in spiritual darkness and sin, we are lying. But if we are living in the light of God's prescense, just as Christ does, then we have wonderful fellowship and joy with each other, and the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from every sin" (Note: every sin. We must confess and repent. Giving lip service doesn't cut it with God. Many Christians have the gift of discernment in regards to spiritual faith and walks- don't think your actions go unnoticed.
Praying today for your salvation. Thanks for visiting us. Your letters mean alot :) Love, Monte Ivy Joscelyn Dane St. Luke and Baby E-4
Sponser Nan , Anne and Karin as they shave their heads in Luke's Memory!!
MICHAEL D
GERRI'S CANCER BATTLE
CAM THE HAM "The Boss"
BENJAMIN J
SAINT GABRIELLE
SAINT SAMUEL
HEIDI
BENJAMIN T
EILEEN
Monday, February 28, 2005 4:20 PM CST FINALLY!!! We are all over the virus that held our family hostage the past couple of weeks. I had the kids in to see the dr. last Monday and were told to just "ride it out". Seems whatever it was liked to cycle through families 2-3 times before wearing itself (and us!)out.
Now we have another snowstorm headed this way tonight- UHG! We had several bright sunny days last week towards the end part which was wonderful. The temps were still very cold but it enabled us to get outside. Monte cut wood while I cleaned the inside of the car and van we just acquired. Josc. played with her neighbor buddy, leaving Dane to wander aimlessly (whinning) between Monte and I. First he didn't like the sound of the shop vac I was using then he didn't like Daddy's chainsaw buzzing. Poor thing- it's hard being an almost 18mo old!!
We decided to buy a van again due to some other unexpected news we have received.... The latest Ervin "model 2005" is on its way!!! It should make it's grand entry on or about Oct 29th- WHOO HOO!!! Monte and I are very excited and happy. While we weren't "trying" for another child, we don't prevent it either. We truly see kids as a gift from God and welcome them with much gratitude.
So... if anyone is interested in our '97 Olds Delta Eighty Eight give us a call!! It's in great shape and runs fine. Only 78K on it which is considered low miles for its' age.
Thank you all for your continued prayers, for our family and others. Life does move on, time does pass, but we never forget our Luke!!! In every event his absence is keenly felt. We love you Super Luke!!!!!!!!!
Monte, Ivy Joscelyn & Dane & newbie E#4
Sponser Nan , Anne and Karin as they shave their heads in Luke's Memory!!
MICHAEL D
GERRI'S CANCER BATTLE
CAM THE HAM "The Boss"
BENJAMIN J
SAINT GABRIELLE
SAINT SAMUEL
HEIDI
BENJAMIN T
EILEEN
Friday, February 18, 2005 9:51 AM CST The Ervin family has had that icky flu/virus/bacterial infection floating around the past week. I am the only one that saw a dr. about it though- still on the antibiotic. Josc & Dane seem to get over it quickly as does Monte.
I had trouble falling asleep last night. Been praying alot for the families of Ben Jones and Michael Dornauer, both of whom are very short on their times with their families here. Reading about their symptom progression brings it all back. I remember Luke being here like it was just a few days ago. And the utter horror of seeing different things happening to his body which were all signifying the coming of his death. You learn to recognize those death "road signs" just as clearly as you do regular road signs. And you pray feverantly for their families as well as the boys, that they know God, that He sends His comfort, that the actual passing is more calm and peaceful. And ultimately that the families find the faith and ability to let their children glorify God through this ugliness.
It is such an emotionally charged time, and I can feel it draining on me. Yet that is minimal compared to what they will be going through. Please join me in prayer for them.
May your weekend be blessed... Love Monte Ivy Joscelyn Dane and St. Lukie
Sponser Nan , Anne and Karin as they shave their heads in Luke's Memory!!
MICHAEL D
GERRI'S CANCER BATTLE
CAM THE HAM "The Boss"
BENJAMIN J
SAINT GABRIELLE
SAINT SAMUEL
HEIDI
BENJAMIN T
EILEEN
Friday, February 11, 2005 8:41 PM CST Hi everyone! This is my 3rd attempt to update so I really really hope this gets through!! We have had a busy but great week. Joscelyn was sick Monday with some G.I. upset/fever but fine since. Wed. we had our blood drive at church and it was a success, netting 36 units which will save 108 lives!! Whoo hoo!! Thursday was another wonderful bible study with Beth Moore followed by Good News Club at school for Joscelyn. (That is a christian after-school fellowship for students) Today I had her work on addressing valentines for Monday and Joscelyn really surprised me- she did all the girls plus her teacher without a complaint!! I procrastinated thinking she was going to whine after the first card. I think she would have done alot of the boys' cards too but I had to make her stop to get on the bus. Saturday is another fun day- my best friend's daughter is turning 4 and having her party at our city's downtown carousel!! It is a great place for winter birthday parties, or just to do for the heck of it.
I am so thankful for the many blessings God provides us! Winter is always a hard season, being cooped up inside, dealing with all the germs, overcast days... so many friends I talk with really have trouble with maintaining sunny thoughts. This is also the month Luke was diagnosed 3 years ago. How very much has changed.... So like others, I too have ample reason to cave in right about now. The only reason I can think of that I haven't is because God's Word encourages me every single day. His love and eagerness to be there for us is impossible to escape. So when I do feel crappy, tired, exasperated (daily!) I just turn to him and ask for Him to show me what I am to be doing with this, this mood, this day, this predicament, etc. Granted I don't always like it, but I AM ENCOURAGED because I can feel God's hand leading me. And knowing it's all happening because HE ordained it relieves me soooooooo much!!
Phillipians 2:13 says:for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.
How much clearer can He make it?!?
Please visit Benjamin Jones' page- his tumors are presenting more signs of progression, each reminding us of how very fleeting our lives are... Let his family know we are praying for them. Eileen is also in need of some love-she has always been such an encourager to others. Just stop by and say "hey" to her! I keep checking in on Michael who is has also been given to hospice but his mom hasn't posted regularily. Their family needs our prayers as well. Really, we ALL need to keep in touch as we are all very interdependent upon one another.
Thank you for you gracious love, prayers and time. May you have a very blessed weekend and Happy Valentine's day!!! Love, Monte Ivy Joscelyn Dane and ST. Luke
Sponser Nan , Anne and Karin as they shave their heads in Luke's Memory!!
MICHAEL D
GERRI'S CANCER BATTLE
CAM THE HAM "The Boss"
BENJAMIN J
SAINT GABRIELLE
SAINT SAMUEL
HEIDI
BENJAMIN T
EILEEN
Monday, February 7, 2005 5:55 PM CST Hello!
A special prayer request today> There have been far too many reports of child abuse coming to light lately (in the news) We have had a couple right here in our town. Unfortunately I know this barely skims the surface of what takes place day in and day out in many many childrens' lives. Our pastor Nate spoke Sunday (coincidently...or not) on how very little value we place on children. We abort them, exploit them for various benefits to ourselves, disregard them when it comes to creating a family for them (unmarried parents, divorce, multiple relationships). Is this how God want us to treat them- or each other?! Hardly. There is no easy answer to this problem, but I do believe if each of us OBEY Jesus when He spoke of children there would be a huge change in society.
Mark 10 v14-16 says "When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I tell you the truth, anyone who will not recieve the kingdom of God like a little childe will never enter it." And He took the children in His arms, put His hands on them and blessed them
Please pray for ALL children, for their safety, comfort, love and God's glorious protection to be with them always... The damage we inflict on them today will be the damage we ourselves experience in the future.
Thank you for checking in on us... I haven't meant to offend anyone by writing this. It is a subject very dear to my heart/life and I felt compelled to speak on it. Have a peace-filled day...
Love, Monte Ivy Joscelyn Dane and St. Luke
Sponser Nan , Anne and Karin as they shave their heads in Luke's Memory!!
MICHAEL D
GERRI'S CANCER BATTLE
CAM THE HAM "The Boss"
BENJAMIN J
SAINT GABRIELLE
SAINT SAMUEL
HEIDI
BENJAMIN T
EILEEN
Wednesday, February 2, 2005 4:02 PM CST Hey to all! I just discovered how valuable the "photobucket" site can be for storing and retrieving images!! You would think I would've known that by now but No....
Ok, enough with that personal epiphany. I am slowly getting over my cold/laryngitis I developed last Thursday. It was funny and frustrating not being able to talk very much over the weekend. God is good- Monte and Joscelyn were able to restrain themselves from teasing me darn near the whole time! Unbelievable!
I am now gearing up for our 2nd blood drive at Berean next week. So if you are reading this and are local you better call me to donate!! It is Wed the 9th from 12-6. I didn't think much about donating myself until I saw how very desperately it is needed. Luke needed 29 transfusions just to make it through 15 weeks of chemotherapy. Blood is one thing man cannot duplicate nor can it be stored. But God is so wise- He made it so that our bodies will replenish themselves after each donation so it isn't any trouble at all to give!! Plus you ARE literally saving someone else's life.
Lasts thoughts; Luke's illness clearly changed Monte and I. Fortunately we have been able to lean immensely on our faith in Christ. Through our (seperate) bible studies we are learning just how much God loved us first. We know this is true because of what Christ says in prayer to God right before his betrayal. In the gospel of John 17 God (in Christ) shows us He loves us because:
He reveals us to the Father
He gives us the Father's Word
Jesus prays for us
He protects us
He sanctifies Himself
He gives us his glory
He places us in Him
He makes the Father known to us
Jesus desires us to be with Him (in heaven) and to see His glory.
WOW! All of this just before he is arrested and crucified!... I can scarcely take it in... I am soooo thankful THIS is the God in who we trust!
Thank you for checking in on our family. Please visit our friends below, especially Benjamin Jones and Thomas and also stop by and see Eileen... They all could use some extra encouraging right now. Peace, love and hugs,
Monte Ivy Joscelyn Dane and St. Luke (of course!)
Sponser Nan , Anne and Karin as they shave their heads in Luke's Memory!!
MICHAEL D
GERRI'S CANCER BATTLE
CAM THE HAM "The Boss"
BENJAMIN J
SAINT GABRIELLE
SAINT SAMUEL
HEIDI
BENJAMIN T
EILEEN
Tuesday, January 25, 2005 12:00 AM CST Hello everyone!
Staying quietly busy at the Ervin household. Tax time is coming up meaning I have plenty of paperwork to keep me occupied. We 1099 our help so those need done plus all the receipts put in order, added, etc. So I can't say I am not bored (ha ha!) Fortunately our tax acct. does all the "ugly" work of putting the right numbers in the right spaces. That is by far more of a headache than what I do. I never was good at math story problems. I still don't know what "x" is or was, nor have I ever figured out why Johnny had 8 apples then somehow "lost" 6. Sigh...
I have also been participating in my first Beth Moore bible study at Berean. For those of you who don't know her, she is an awesome Christian women's speaker. We are doing the "Fruit of the Spirit: Living Beyond Yourself" series and I am learning sooo much from it. If you haven't done one of these, I highly recc. it.
I posted some more pictures of Lukie without his hair- in honor of what Nan L. and her friends are doing in Luke's memory for ST. Baldrick's. I am including her link below. I am still so humbled that these beautiful women are shaving their heads to raise money for childhood cancer!!!
Please visit all the links below to offer encouragement to our friends. Thank you for checking in on our family. Love, Monte Ivy Joscelyn Dane and St. Luke.
***"The conversion of a soul is the miracle of a moment; the manufacture of a saint is the task of a lifetime." Alan Redpath********
Sponser Nan , Anne and Karin as they shave their heads in Luke's Memory!!
MICHAEL D
GERRI'S CANCER BATTLE
CAM THE HAM "The Boss"
BENJAMIN J
SAINT GABRIELLE
SAINT SAMUEL
HEIDI
BENJAMIN T
EILEEN
Tuesday, January 18, 2005 11:53 AM CST Wow- I am so impressed by people's generosity! Monte and I had over 400 new toys to take down to Columbus Children's hospital yesterday. Boy were they happy to recieve them too! The bags/boxes filled the whole bed of Monte's 8' truck- which we fortunately haven't sold yet. (It is for sale though) Josh from the radio station who held the drive -WVMC- helped us load it all up in FREEZING cold weather. It was snowing and blustery in Mansfield when we left but by the time we got to Columbus (1hr south) the weather was nice & sunny. So unloading was cold but not like up here. Funny, as we got back we drove right into more snowy, yucky weather. (Actually, NOT funny to those of us who live here- you *know* what I mean!) I am posting a portion of the email that was sent to us from our friend Leslee who is a childlife specialist. She handles the donations for us when we have them and is stationed on the same floor Luke was on.
Leslee writes:
"I just wanted to say thank you so much for your wonderful donation today. It was so wonderful that the radio station was able to host a toy drive in Luke's memory. The toys were so incredible and with each bag we emptied, they just got better and better. What I did was go through and pick items out for specific patients to give them and then saved a few for patients that will be coming in. We also brought two large bags of smaller toys to Heme clinic for giveaways (Theresa in clinic was just thrilled!!). I also picked out some younger children's items and board games for the playrooms and labeled them in Luke's memory. Thanks again to you and Monte for hauling everything down, every item was terrific to receive in Luke's memory."
AHHH BUT THAT IS NOT ALL-
I opened my email today to find another fundraiser is taking place in Luke's honor. This one is being held through the "St. Baldrick's- Shaving for a Cure" program. Our friend and 'sister' in the childhood cancer fight -Nan Lofas- has formed the "St. Luke" team to raise money for research for childhood cancer. What is remarkable is that she, along with 2 friends, are shaving their heads in Luke's memory!! More remarkable is that the Lofas family has one of their own- their son Johan is currently in remission with his own childhood cancer battle (Praise God!) Monte and I are sooooo grateful that God, through Luke, has instilled hope and inspiration to continue the search for a cure!! I had hoped and prayed that God would continue to use Luke's life to bring joy & hope to others on the journey. We are so humbled that we are still seeing "fruits" of his life continue to bless others. Here is Nan's website. It includes a place where you can donate in sponsership of her as well:
http://www.stbaldricks.org/ShaveePhoto.asp?SolNumber=15317404
Thank you so very much for visiting today. You are each a blessing from God to our family. WE love you-
Monte Ivy Joscelyn Dane and St. Luke
MICHAEL D
GERRI'S CANCER BATTLE
CAM THE HAM "The Boss"
BENJAMIN J
SAINT GABRIELLE
SAINT SAMUEL
HEIDI
BENJAMIN T
EILEEN
Thursday, January 13, 2005 1:57 PM CST Hello to all;
I just haven't been moved to write much lately. Another 'writer's block'. Things are moving along well enough- Joscelyn's back in school, Monte's job line-up continues to grow, we are all well, Dane is learning new things everyday... Life is good, quiet and happy, as God wants for us.
It seems in these "lulls between storms" that we tend to get comfy and relaxed with how things are. Those who *know* me know that I am not a pessimistic person. (BUT) I can't help wondering what God is ready-ing me for next. I wouldn't say I am "waiting for the shoe to drop" but I do wonder... Things were blissfully peaceful right before Luke was diagnosed in early 2002 as well. I wouldn't say we are ungrateful for this quiet time- the exact opposite is true! We are trying to use it to further our bible studies, helping others and just being quiet with God. But I do know God has plans a-brewin'... One chapter will close and another unfold in HIS timing. We pray it will help us to continue to glorify His name.
I am going to be co-ordinating another Red Cross blood drive for Wednesday, Feb 9th at Berean (from 12-6). If you would be interested in either donating blood or time to help hand out snacks, please call me asap. I schedule helpers in 2 hr shifts usually.
I hope all is well with your families. Thank you for stopping by to check on our family. We love you! Monte Ivy Joscelyn Dane and St. Luke
MICHAEL D
GERRI'S CANCER BATTLE
CAM THE HAM "The Boss"
BENJAMIN J
SAINT GABRIELLE
SAINT SAMUEL
HEIDI
BENJAMIN T
EILEEN
Saturday, January 8, 2005 11:01 AM CST We have been iced in by that nasty storm that passed through Wednesday. No power from 11:30pm Wed. through 2:30am Friday. That meant no heat, light, refrigeration, etc. It was a minor challenge coping compared to what those dealing with the tsunami are going through. We were able to leave to go to warmer, brighter places and still find hot meals. The tsunami survivors are stuck where they are, without their basic needs. More painfully without their loved ones. My family was right with me the whole time.... Monte and I prayed often for them (and continue to do so) while the power was out. We knew our world would be back to normal in a matter of hours. They still have no idea how many months or years till their worlds are well...if ever.
Please visit the families listed below- each seem to have turning points &/or big decisions upon them. Thanks for visiting. The love and compassion you send out flows back to you in abundance. Love, Monte Ivy Joscelyn Dane and ST. Luke
MICHAEL D
GERRI'S CANCER BATTLE
CAM THE HAM "The Boss"
BENJAMIN J
SAINT GABRIELLE
SAINT SAMUEL
HEIDI
BENJAMIN T
EILEEN
Monday, January 3, 2005 4:14 PM CST
The tally is in- 400 toys were raised for Columbus Children's hospital during WVMC's drive!! We are so grateful for the continued generosity of those who donated. Monte and I plan on delivering them sometime within the next week or so... still working on that end! The radio station plans on repeating this drive next year so keep us in mind when you run across those "good deals"!
Monte and I are both attempting to lose weight with the start of another year. He is being more aggressive than I am- he is already following through with his exercise plan. I am still "planning" the plan! LOL... Actually I am going to start doing aerobics this week. Our area has a free program to those who live within our school district which makes it even more appealing. I have enjoyed working out with others alot in the past so I am hoping to enjoy this as well. Monte sticks with the gym setups (we have one at home) but I need to exercise my mouth while I work out! hee hee hee
Joscelyn went back to school today- she seemed ready. The weather finally warmed up again here but it is waayyyy too muddy to let her play much outside. She was getting tired of the same ol' indoor activities too. Mr. Dane just keeps toddling around playing with whatever crosses his path. You can usually find him by following the trail of discarded toys!
I hope you enjoy the link I put on below for ChristianAnswers.net. It is a very thorough site, great at explaining the Biblical answers on things.
Please keep Michael D. and Benjamin J. in your prayers. Also visit Gerri and offer up a special prayer as she has a CT scan this Friday to see how effective her treatment has been.
Love and thanks....Monte Ivy Joscelyn Dane and St. Luke
MICHAEL D
GERRI'S CANCER BATTLE
CAM THE HAM "The Boss"
BENJAMIN J
SAINT GABRIELLE
SAINT SAMUEL
HEIDI
BENJAMIN T
EILEEN
Friday, December 31, 2004 8:48 PM CST Happy New Year to all! Monte and I will undoubtedly be asleep as the new year rolls in- don't want to break our "tradition" quite yet! LOL... Going to my parents' tomorrow for the pork/sauerkraut dinner- who thought that lovely combination up anyhow?! Will post more then. Need to get the kiddos to bed soon- we have had a very busy week. We had a wonderful visit from Luke's "chemo angel" Holly and her bf. today. Also were able to visit my gf. and her family in Perrysburg earlier in the week. So it has been 'run run run'! Keep praying for those over in the Pacific/Indian oceans who have been devastated by the tsunami's. And thank you for donating as well- I have heard some very good responses to that :-) Love and God's peace to all- Monte Ivy Joscelyn Dane and ST. Lukie too
The Wishlist for Columbus Children’s Hosptial
WVMC - our holiday partner in remembering Luke!
MICHAEL D
GERRI'S CANCER BATTLE
CAM THE HAM "The Boss"
BENJAMIN J
SAINT GABRIELLE
SAINT SAMUEL
HEIDI
BENJAMIN T
EILEEN
Tuesday, December 28, 2004 9:25 PM CST My heart is aching for the thousands and thousands of people hurting over in Asia from the tsunami. Please find a way to give- financially, blood/tissue donations, non-perishable foods... whatever you feel led to do. There are hundreds of reputable organizations that can use our help (Red Cross, Save the Children, and many Christian relief funds- just to name a few) I can not imagine the pain, horror and utter devastation people are experiencing this very moment. I just heard the U.S. is sending Marines over to set up a communications base and I thought "where?!" It is such a horrific situation....
"The hearts of the people cry out to the Lord. O wall of the Daughter of Zion, let your tears flow like a river day and night; give yourself no relief, your eyes no rest.
Arise, cry out in the night, as the watches of the night begin; pour out your heart like water in the prescense of the Lord. Lift up your hands to him for the lives of your children who faint from hunger at the head of every street." Lamentations 2:18-19
Every life is so very precious...
I will update again very soon. Thank you for checking in on us... Love Monte Ivy Joscelyn Dane and St. Luke
The Wishlist for Columbus Children’s Hosptial
WVMC - our holiday partner in remembering Luke!
MICHAEL D
GERRI'S CANCER BATTLE
CAM THE HAM "The Boss"
BENJAMIN J
SAINT GABRIELLE
SAINT SAMUEL
HEIDI
BENJAMIN T
EILEEN
Wednesday, December 22, 2004 8:05 PM CST Updated Christmas Eve:
MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE! We are still snowed & iced in- they even had to cancel church services because of the road conditions :-( So we are all huddled inside finding ways to make each other laugh (not too hard!!) Please take time to express your adoration and praise to God for His victory over fear; His gift of indwelling peace ; the fact that we (alone) have a message worth spreading> Christ is here, Christ is hope. There is NO OTHER WAY, there is no "universal path" to God. The world needs to know this.
***************************************
Hello-
Well we got snowed in pretty good today. About 7" came down I think. It was to be Joscelyn's last day before Christmas break so she was a bit sad about missing her Christmas school party. I imagine they will do something special when it starts up again (??) Or most likely, she will have forgotten she missed it by then! hee hee hee. So instead we wrapped gifts and had her best friend & neighbor Cameryn come over for several hours. Monte and I did go out to pick up his 4x4 truck from the body shop late this afternoon and I was frazzled totally by the time we got back- no goin' out for me! I was the one driving the big 4x4 so I felt safe. It was the other people who were being scary and making me be a nervous wreck! Fortunately our neighbor watched the kids so I didn't have them to worry over too.
Today was my 37th birthday, which in itself was no big deal. My youngest brother called to send his wishes and told me he hoped I would have 50-60 more years. Boy did I give him an earful!! To me, that was wishing a bad thing on me!! I told him I would much rather raise Joscelyn, Dane and "head on outta here!" Hopefully Christ will return even before that! I have no desire to spend any longer down here than God needs me to. Don't get me wrong, I love my life, family, friends, etc. But my real motive is to return to God and my heavenly family. So I told my baby bro that I hope I was over half way done down here! (He wasn't quite sure what to think!) Of course he is probably in the majority anyways. People tend to fear death for a variety of reasons. I know God wants me home, but I also know God wants me to keep doing his work down here. I keep reminding myself (& others) that this world, possessions, obligations, daily activities AREN'T what it is all about! Being fleshy, earthly creatures, we are sooooo easily distracted into pursuing things that make us "feel good". Constantly remind myself that this ALL is oh so temporary....even if it is feeling like 'forever'....
One last thought; I have (again) become obsessed with exactly what Luke was going through, feeling, aware of as he was dying those last few days. The physical aspect alone is amazing to me and I keep searching out more info on it. I want to know if we were doing what we should have been for him as far as comfort levels go. What could we have done differently... I have previously discussed this with his onc. who offered me his private opinion as to what he would consider doing differently. I know hindsight is always 20/20, that each patient 'suffers' differently, I am to hold no guilt over how we cared for him. Intellectually that all makes perfect sense. I just need to keep learning, mulling it over. How many times does one get to watch a family member die?! Knowing they are actively dying... yet not knowing when that final moment here on earth is coming??? I keep trying to process every single moment. Somehow put myself in Luke's shoes...
Not to end on a negative note... I wrote what I did because this is part of our grieving process. And through this site I am able to share in a safe way that helps relieve that anxiety/sorrow. I am constantly amazed and grateful for those of you who have stayed on throughout our journey.... Someday God will assure you of the greatness of your comfort to those of us who live and grieve... We are most thankful... Love Monte Ivy Joscelyn Dane and St. Luke who is forever in peace and joy!!
The Wishlist for Columbus Children’s Hosptial
WVMC - our holiday partner in remembering Luke!
MICHAEL D
GERRI'S CANCER BATTLE
CAM THE HAM "The Boss"
BENJAMIN J
SAINT GABRIELLE
SAINT SAMUEL
HEIDI
BENJAMIN T
EILEEN
Monday, December 20, 2004 6:34 PM CST Hello all;
I had one of those rough spells last night about this time. I had just gotten through hanging Dane's clothes in his closet when I saw one of Luke's favorite "dress up" outfits hanging there. It was the one he wore for our last Christmas together to church. I just fell apart- it wasn't one of those 'gentle' cries either. Good old wailing is more like it. Part of the emotion of him just dying hit me again and I just let go. Of course the rest of the family heard me upstairs, so I went down to be with them. Josc and Dane climbed up on my lap and snuggled with me- they are SO AWESOME! I had quit crying by then, but they didn't need an explanation or anything. Monte asked what he could do- I was numb. I just told him nothing; It was pure pain from missing my Lukie. He understood only too well.
I don't necessarily connect that to the holidays, maybe some do. When you are living with grief over the death of your child each and every day is a struggle. Just when you think you are "ok", the emotions pounce on you literally taking your breath away.
We are as ready for Christmas as we are going to get. I am going for stocking stuffers tomorrow then I'll be done. We have a roller skating church party Wed. at our local coliseum which should do for many many laughs. I hope alot show up so we have more for our comedy hour(s)!! I am really really trying to talk my parents into coming too. Not to skate mind you but to watch all of us and reminisce. For those of you familiar with the coliseum, you know it is a VERY OLD fixture here in town with alot of history surrounding it. Since both my parents lived within walking distance of it during their younger years I thought it would be fun for them to go back to "visit". I'll keep working on them!
Please keep Michael and Benjamin J in your prayers (see below). Also, we are taking toys for the WVMC toy drive up through the first week of January. So if your kiddos need to unload some of their "old" toys to make room for their "new" ones after Christmas, keep us in mind. Gently used is fine too- as long as it isn't like a stuffed animal/blanket, etc. Any questions, just ask me!
Will try to post and do more pics after the skating party. Try to enjoy the week, and remember to PRAISE GOD for sending His son Jesus to us over 2K years ago. Through Christ, we have VICTORY over sin and death!!! (Provided you have accepted that gift of salvation)
Much love, and hugs.... Thank you for continuing on this journey with us. Monte Ivy Joscelyn Dane and St. Luke
The Wishlist for Columbus Children’s Hosptial
WVMC - our holiday partner in remembering Luke!
MICHAEL D
GERRI'S CANCER BATTLE
CAM THE HAM "The Boss"
BENJAMIN J
SAINT GABRIELLE
SAINT SAMUEL
HEIDI
BENJAMIN T
EILEEN
Friday, December 17, 2004 11:26 AM CST Hi again-
I want to share the last couple of stanzas from "Away in a Manger" with you:
Be near me, Lord Jesus,
I ask Thee to stay
Close by me forever
And love me I pray
Bless all the dear children
In Thy tender care
And take us to heaven
To live with Thee there
We sang that Wed. pm during our prayer service and it just brought tears to my eyes as I remember singing that with Joscelyn and Luke at Christmas.... How I prayed as well that God WOULD QUICKLY take us to heaven. Only Luke has been blessed enough to go ... now my heart aches painfully for him.
Please pray especially for Benjamin Jones & family- he is beginning to show signs of tumor progression which we were hoping would hold off till after Christmas. Also visit Michael's page- he isn't well at all; sleeping 20+ hours a day due to his tumor progression as well. Both boys are in hospice.
Praise God for allowing us to have this network to share in prayer, joy, and love! Continue to seek out God, ask Him to fill you with His Holy Spirit. Look for the blessings around you; including those who are very near to you! They need to know they matter.
In Peace and Joy; Monte Ivy Joscelyn Dane and St. Luke
The Wishlist for Columbus Children’s Hosptial
WVMC - our holiday partner in remembering Luke!
MICHAEL D
GERRI'S CANCER BATTLE
CAM THE HAM "The Boss"
BENJAMIN J
SAINT GABRIELLE
SAINT SAMUEL
HEIDI
BENJAMIN T
EILEEN
Tuesday, December 14, 2004 7:55 PM CST Hello everyone;
Sorry so long between posts. I am making headway on the Christmas "to do" lists which feels good. I am sooo excited for a couple of reasons... First, the WVMC toy drive is really gathering donations for the kids down at Childrens- yipee! The second thing is even better than the first almost! We got a Christmas card/letter today from a little boy named Hunter & his mom Jamie. We met them last year as one of 2 families we bought gifts for in Luke's memory down in Columbus. Hunter was really in bad shape then, having gone through chemo, surgery and radiation for cancer in his jaw area and head. The poor guy not only was battling cancer at age 3 but also had to cope with his own father walking out on the family because he couldn't handle Hunter's cancer. (That excuse is one of the LAMEST we hear!!) That left Hunter's mom Jamie to live with all the stress, heartache, financial ruins, and true lack of support during what is the hardest time in their lives! Plus, when we met them, Hunter's prognosis was not good..... To make a long story short, we did keep in contact for awhile but Jamie lost touch with us when our info got lost. We couldn't contact them b/c of those 'lovely' privacy laws the medical field has to go by now. They couldn't even tell me if he was inpatient over the phone unless I was family! So Monte and I prayed that Hunter would live, and Jamie would find comfort in the Lord. Guess what?!> Both happened!!!!!!! We got the Christmas card today along with their pictures and a very endearing letter thanking us for doing what we did, saying we helped to better their lives! Now THAT makes my heart sing sing sing "Praises to God!!!" Hunter has reached remission (miraculously) and celebrated his 4th birthday in August! YIPEEEEEE!!!!!!!! Again, THAT is why we keep in touch with these families, & reach out to them. To let them KNOW God loves them, help them to find HOPE, even when it is darkest. God is sooooooo merciful when you call out to Him!!!!!
All else is going along well. I put Lukie's Christmas tree up at his gravesite last Friday. Fortunately before it snowed. It was hard, knowing he isn't going to be with us (physically) to excitedly open up Christmas gifts like he ought to be. Monte and I wonder what he might be "into" at this age (4)...would it still be Superman, or would he be into dinosaurs, cars, motorcycles,???? We'll never know. I do know my heart is as full of love for him as ever- time does not diminish that. Nor does the pain lessen. NO, the pain does NOT lessen. We have just learned to move with the pain, trying to work the good out of the heartache. It is incidents like I described above with Hunter as well as the toy drive that renew OUR spirits with hope as well. And reminds us that we are here for GOD'S purpose in our lives....NOT ours.
Enjoy the new photos and check back soon- I will update quicker I hope I hope!! Love Monte Ivy Joscelyn Dane and St. Luke
***********************************************************
The Wishlist for Columbus Children’s Hosptial
WVMC - our holiday partner in remembering Luke!
***********************************************************
MICHAEL D
GERRI'S CANCER BATTLE
CAM THE HAM "The Boss"
BENJAMIN J
SAINT GABRIELLE
SAINT SAMUEL
HEIDI
BENJAMIN T
EILEEN
Tuesday, December 7, 2004 9:40 AM CST Remember when I said I was "in the mood" this year for the holidays? Well, somehow my seasonal spirit evaporated! I got the tree up but it isn't decorated, I made cookies and have eaten most of them (oh oh!) I am still excited for the season- I guess I just hit a snag in the road! Slim fast and christmas cookies...hhmmm is that on any special diet anyone can think of??? hee hee hee
All is happily well here although I am starting to hear that dumb Christmas clock ticking down the time. I need to do more cookies, the tree obviously, finish up small gifts I have been working on and do the holiday cards. Joscelyn had her christmas special at church this past Sunday which was awesome and PACKED! She did very good at her part and singing. The older elementary put on a show called "Clausmas or Christmas" and it was very very well done. We just pray it was effective at bringing others to Christ.
The radio toy drive is generating TOYS!!! YIPEE!!! You can never know how a new fundraiser is going to go at first. Keep praying God helps make this very fruitful for the kids.
Please visit St. Gabbie's site for a very good excerpt on grief. Her mother Monica posted it a couple of days ago so if it isn't there, check her 'journal history'. Monica is a very Christ-focused mother/wife and lady whom I admire ALOT for her honesty and transparency.
Lastly, I want to leave you with a passage our children's pastor Nate sent out to his kids' parents. It is about how we should observe Advent, biblically. It hit home with me. Thank you PN8 for sharing God's heart with us all!!!
***********Pastor Nate Meiers: **********************
The term Advent is from the Latin meaning “coming” or “appearance”. This is the time of year when the church traditionally prepares for the coming of the Christ child at Christmas. It is also a time when we should prepare ourselves for Christ’s second coming. Are you ready? And I’m not just talking about “being saved” as if asking Jesus into your heart was some kind of fire insurance. I’m not asking if you are saved, I’m asking if you are ready for Jesus to return at any minute? Anytime the scriptures teach on the second coming, it is not to satisfy our curiosity concerning end times and events but to challenge us to be spiritually ready. “But the day of the Lord will come like a thief. The heavens will disappear with a roar; the elements will be destroyed by fire, and the earth and everything in it will be laid bare. Since everything will be destroyed in this way, what kind of people ought you to be? You ought to live holy and godly lives as you look forward to the day of God and speed its coming…The end of all things is near. Therefore be clear minded and self-controlled so that you can pray. Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.” (2 Peter 3:10-12, 1 Peter 4:7-8)
The Wishlist for Columbus Children’s Hosptial
WVMC - our holiday partner in remembering Luke!
MICHAEL D
GERRI'S CANCER BATTLE
CAM THE HAM "The Boss"
BENJAMIN J
SAINT GABRIELLE
SAINT SAMUEL
HEIDI
BENJAMIN T
EILEEN
Friday, December 3, 2004 1:34 PM CST HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOSCELYN HOPE!!!!!!!!!!!!
Our baby girl is now 6 years old- I can hardly believe it! She is such a beautiful compassionate girl. We are sooo very blessed and undeserving of her, yet eternally grateful God gifted her to us!!! I took her to school this afternoon (instead of the bus) along with some cookies to share with her classmates. Monte and I are taking her out to eat to the Olive Garden (her choice). She said she wanted to go to a restaraunt where they will sing "happy birthday" to her! hee hee hee... You see where her prioriities lie. Monte and I also got her a Barbie Video camera that she wanted last year but we couldn't afford. So she will be extremely excited to open that. This year her big "want" is a nutcracker- we were able to get one of those! She is getting that for Christmas... I think that comes from seeing Barbie in the Nutcracker so much. It's funny, she has been telling her relatives that when they ask, and they all go "You want what?!" I did explain to her that these nutcrackers DO NOT turn into princes like they did in the Nutcracker performance!... Hopefully she isn't disappointed...
Be sure to check out the WVMC site- they have it updated with Luke's Legacy info on it for Children's Hospital. We are SOOOO THANKFUL they approached us about helping out the hospital in Luke's memory. It is such a wonderful way to be able to give back & help so many at the same time. I really pray the Lord blesses this toy drive.
Please also keep Michael Dornauer and Benjamin Jones in your prayers this weekend.... Love, Monte Ivy Joscelyn Dane and St. Luke
********I checked all the links and they are now working!**
The Wishlist for Columbus Children’s Hosptial
WVMC - our holiday partner in remembering Luke!
MICHAEL D
GERRI'S CANCER BATTLE
CAM THE HAM "The Boss"
BENJAMIN J
SAINT GABRIELLE
SAINT SAMUEL
HEIDI
BENJAMIN T
EILEEN
Tuesday, November 30, 2004 8:29 PM CST Ok, I will get to the point= Thanksgiving was good, the next days onward have *STUNK*!! I hit a serious "depression pot hole" late Friday which literally kept me housebound the next couple of days. Yep, I couldn't even go to church Sunday. This was the worst I have been in many many months. I know it is the result of a combination of things, not the least of which is my intense grief over Luke. Somehow, this rage-filled anger surfaces that completely engulfs me. Anger that Luke is STILL DEAD, and I STILL can not do a dang thing about it!!! HE IS DEAD! HE LOST HIS BATTLE WITH THAT VICIOUS, VULGAR TUMOR!!! I truly just can not believe it sometimes.... Plus seeing Joscelyn going through her own grief hurts terribly, knowing she has to go through it as part of her life. She desperately misses her brother too, and it is almost like an awakening for her as well - realizing Luke ISN'T COMING BACK.
I have been doing well overall (I thought). As I said, Thanksgiving was fun, and we had good company, meal, etc. Got to catch up with some friends earlier in the day as well. But I am also quite aware of our other CB families who are suffering, especially the ones I am close to like the family of Ben Jones'. And now poor Michael Donouer who is living on morphine from his brain tumor. 4 years old and it has come to this.... And I know it won't end there, there will be more kids, more deaths, more families ripped apart from the inside out.... Plus my best friend of 20'some years has been in the hospital (Toledo) for 3 weeks, going on 5 they say. She has Crohn's-Colitis and just today found out she has to have her large intestine removed. The surgery won't cure her-nothing will; but she will be able to be released and get on with life. Her hubby has been extremely wonderful as has the whole family. She has 2 children under 4 herself so this whole thing has been very traumatic for them.
I do PRAY PRAY PRAY for God's peace, for His will to be evident, for His glory to shine brightly. I am not mad at Him, rather JOYFUL because HE is the PROMISE of tomorrow. I could very easily get sucked down the slimey drain of earthly gunk... I was stuck there for a bit just recently. But as I have told others "Keep your eyes on the cross, Ivy - Fix your eyes on Jesus"... I admit I am often weak, distraught and overwhelmed by many many stupid and indifferent things around me. It is a constant battle many days (hours, minutes) to stay grounded in His word, His will for our family. For me, the temptation definetly comes from within. I used to laugh with our therapist friend Jim- I would tell him "I don't need drugs, alcohol, affairs, etc. to mix me up- I am naturally a mess!" LOL...
That is one thing Monte laughs about too- he knows I am too busy arguing with myself and spinning things around inside to be concerned with what others seem to fall prey to. I am very absent-minded which leads him to ask (almost daily) "WHAT did you do without me?!" hee hee...
Anyhow, so that has been our life, or mine rather, the last few days. OH!!! Check out this: Our local Christian radio station WVMC has partnered up with us this season to sponser a toy drive to benefit Columbus Children's Hospital in memory of Luke!!! Totally awesome~ and I KNOW it is literally a God-send too. So we will be collecting books, gently used toys, blankets, CDs, baby items- all sorts of things! Check out the Columbus Children's Hospital link I added below. And the website for WVMC. This is truly an AWESOME ministry for all of us to participate in, and is MUCH NEEDED.
Thank you once again for checking in on us... and all the CaringBridge families. We truly truly appreciate your love, compassion and prayers!!! Love and Peace, Monte, Ivy Joscelyn Dane and St. Luke
Columbus Children's Hospital- search for their 'wishlist' under Giving to Children's for ideas
WVMC - our holiday partner in remembering Luke!
MICHAEL D
GERRI'S CANCER BATTLE
CAM THE HAM "The Boss"
BENJAMIN J
SAINT GABRIELLE
SAINT SAMUEL
HEIDI
BENJAMIN T
EILEEN
Saturday, November 20, 2004 11:47 AM CST
Hello everybody;
Sad news for Benjamin Jones and his family> the clinical trial they have been trying has done nothing for Benjamin's cancer. He was taken out of hospice late summer to try this *new* treatment which appeared quite promising to the medical staff. Benjamin had his first MRI Friday to check on progress and unfortunately his cancer has become even more aggressive. It has grown in the 3 original tumor spots in his brain, as well as having moved to his chest, base of his spine and even crossed the blood/brain barrier to begin growth on his skull. His family is devastated. Please visit his site and send your prayers and words of comfort to them. Benjamin is only 8 years old. He and his family were battling at the same time Lukie was inpatient down at Children's in Columbus.
I have not finished reading "What the Bible says about Angels", but when I do I will finish my summary of it.
Below I have the lyrics of a very special song by Christian artists Tree 63. You can hear it yourself on their website at http://tree63.com/_v4/flash.html It expresses exactly how Monte and I have been striving to live. I hope you enjoy it... Love, Monte Ivy Joscelyn Dane and St. Luke
Blessed Be Your Name
Blessed be Your name
In the land that is plentiful
Where your streams of abundance flow
Blessed be your name
Blessed be Your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed Be Your name
Every blessing you pour out
I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
Blessed be Your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's 'all as it should be'
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be Your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name
Every blessing you pour out I'll turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in
Still I will say
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be Your glorious name
You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord Blessed be your name
GERRI'S CANCER BATTLE
CAM THE HAM "The Boss"
BENJAMIN J
SAINT GABRIELLE
SAINT SAMUEL
HEIDI
BENJAMIN T
EILEEN
Tuesday, November 16, 2004 8:10 PM CST Hello! I have been keeping busy getting Christmas decorations out already. For some reason, I am "in the mood" to celebrate it joyously. Not that we shouldn't anyhow- but I am not usually very pepped up over it. My friends/family know that I have waited till the week "of" Christmas to put even the tree up, then immediately taken everything down Christmas night, or at least by nightfall of the 26th! So for me to actually be into the decorating already is itself odd! No, I haven't put the tree up yet, but have been working on all the other displays. I didn't do much last year with it being our first season without Luke, and also the new house factor. So this year I am being more adventuresome with what I put where and how.
My heart has been longing for Luke pretty bad again though. I am not sure it *is* because of the holidays... I just MISS HIM, no matter what. Poor Josc. has had a few bad days this past week too. Saturday morning she got in bed with me after Monte had left for work for our morning snuggle time. I dozed back off, then awoke at the sound of her sobbing- hard. I thought it was because I hadn't gotten up yet (to fix her cereal). So I was taken aback when she said she "miss Lukie Mama! I want him to sleep with me like he used to!" Oftentimes Luke would sneak over to her room and cuddle in next to her for the night. If he happened to fall asleep first, she would do the same-sneak into his bed to cozy up with him. Dane is too young yet to be in a regular bed so she can't sleep with him either. This was the hardest she has cried in months and it just broke my heart because I know only too well how helpless and lonesome she felt. You want that memory to become a reality sooooooo bad! Everything about it seems real, yet you are so very very far away... The chasm between heaven and earth seems infinte so often. Yet all I can tell her (and myself) is that we WILL see him again because JESUS SAID SO. God KEEPS his promises. He REMAINS FAITHFUL when so frequently we are not...
I am posting the "notes" from the book I am reading about angels called "What the Bible says about Angels". I am 2/3 of the way through it but thought I would post some on it to give you an idea of what I am learning. Some I knew, some things have become clearer. Kind of like a light bulb going on in my head! I will continue to post the 'rest of the story' as I come to its end. Hope you enjoy.
Thank you for visiting Lukie's page, and for helping us to remember our son.... Love Monte Ivy Joscelyn Dane and St. Luke
***********************************************************
WHAT THE BIBLE SAYS ABOUT ANGELS by Dr. David Jeremiah
3 Warnings:
1) We must not create or reshape angels according to our own fancy.
a) The Bible never mentions female angels, only masculine.
b) The Bible states angels are a created class of beings and are never represented as spiritually progressed humans. In other words, humans don't evolve or transform into angels.
c) The Bible indicates angels never "dwell within you", even on your best days.
d) There isn't the remotest hint in Scripture that angels spend time trying to 'earn their wings'. In fact, except for two classes of heavenly beings known as cherubim and seraphim, there isn't alot of evidence in Scripture that angels even have wings.
e) Angels do not age- there are no "littlest angels" going through growing-up years among the clouds. God's angels exist eternally. The angel Gabriel who appeared to Daniel in the lion's den is the same unchanged angel Gabriel who appeared more than 500 years later to Mary, the mother of Jesus. [Pretty cool!]
2) We must never let angels replace God in our lives. ( A giant snare for those who do not understand Scripture's teachings) People who want a spiritual plaything or placebo are quick to bring their search for God to a dead end, and to search for angels instead. To quote Professor Ellwood- "With angels around, people feel they don't have to bother an Almighty God in order to get help."
3) Angels must never receive our worship. See Colossians 2:18 & Romans 1:25
a) John (writer/apostle) was twice rebuked by an angel as he "fell to worship" the messenger- Rev 19:10 & Rev 22:8-9 Both times the angel quickly said "Do not do it! I am a fellow servant with you and your brothers who hold to the testimony of Jesus. Worship God!"
b) Angels are God's messengers. When they give us strength or enlightenment, it is God's strength or enlightenment they impart. Their encouragement is God's encouragement. Their protection is God's protection. When they bring wrath, it is God's wrath they inflict.
c) Angels are always one-way messengers. They are God's messengers to us and never our messengers to God. No one in Scripture ever prays to an angel, and neither should we.
Appearance:
From Ezekiel 10- I am not going to quote this verbatim. Please take time to read it as it describes cherubim in detail. Ex: they have 4 faces (an ox, man, lion and eagle). They are on "whirling wheels" which are covered with eyes, even on the rims and spokes! They have 4 wings with what look like human hands underneath.
This description definetly does NOT fit with the cutesy, armorous cherubim incorrectly depicted in our pictures/art. Yet it is right there for all to see and believe in our Bibles.
From Isaiah 6- He describes seraphim. They have 6 wings, 2 of which they use to cover their faces in reverence. They use 2 more wings to cover their feet showing their humility and reverence in waiting on God for His next directions. With the other 2, they fly.
"Living Creatures" from Revelations 4- These stand in the prescence of God "in the center, around the throne". They are covered in eyes, in front and in back (scary to me!) They are involved in bringing God's final wrath upon the earth. Similiar to the cherubim, they have the likeness of the ox, man, lion and eagle. Like th seraphim they have 6 wings and honor God continually with "Holy, holy holy is the Lord God Almighty", adding "Who was, and is and is to come" (AMEN!!!)
GERRI'S CANCER BATTLE
CAM THE HAM "The Boss"
BENJAMIN J
SAINT GABRIELLE
SAINT SAMUEL
HEIDI
BENJAMIN T
EILEEN
Wednesday, November 10, 2004 9:46 AM CST Hi! I just got done reading online about Alex's Lemonade stands. Alex is a little girl who just died 3 months ago from her neuroblastoma. She was only 8. Anyhow, when she was alive she started selling lemonade to raise money for childhood cancer research. Well this year they have met their goal-no, exceeded!- their goal of $1 MILLION dollars!!! Isn't that AWESOME!?! All from the heart's desire of a little child who insisted MORE be done to conquer this monster. I believe you can check her site out at www.alexslemonade.org Or Google it- I didn't copy the exact webpage....
Been thinking alot about Lukie with the holidays once again upon us. Actually I think alot about Lukie anyhow! Just a different angle I guess. Last year we did a BooK Drive in Luke's memory (thanks to Angel Cathy's suggestion) which brought in over 300 books for Columbus Childrens'/Ronald McDonald House. This year we are going to either be doing that again **OR** possibly a Toy Drive in Luke's memory which would actually be sponsered by our local Christian radio station WVMC. The station has approached us about doing that to benefit Columbus Childrens' in Luke's memory. We are waiting to hear if the hospital ok's it. Then how the radio people want to work it all out. Even though this was their idea, they want to have all in place before announcing it of course. The Drive would be held the month of December. So just check back here for updates I guess. Either way, I want the kids to know God DOES love them, that they aren't being 'punished' for being sick and ALOT of people do care and are sending love to them and their families!!
Joscelyn had her 6 yr pics taken yesterday and came out wonderful! I will post those later as I am expected in school with her class today. She LOVES it when I get to be class mommy- and I do too really! Her classmates are alot of fun and to see them all learning/interacting is a blast! Mr. Dane gets to spend the afternoon next door with our neighbors while I do this. He has 2 friends to play with there and their mommy Shannon is SUPER with the kids. God blessed us alot by this neighborhood!!
I have been reading a book on "What the Bible says about Angels" and want to post some excerpts of that soon as well. There are things I have learned and many myths that need debunked, all of which I would love to share- providing I can find the time! hee hee
Off to lunch then school for us. I will update soon again. THANK YOU for checking in on us and remembering Lukie with us. That is the BEST gift you can give bereaved parents: to let them know their child still lives on.... Love & Hugs, Monte Ivy Joscelyn Dane and St. Luke
GERRI'S CANCER BATTLE
CAM THE HAM "The Boss"
BENJAMIN J
SAINT GABRIELLE
SAINT SAMUEL
HEIDI
BENJAMIN T
EILEEN
Wednesday, November 3, 2004 5:58 PM CST Greetings to all;
Like everyone, we are glad the election is over. We spent the last night up frequently, but not because of electoral curiosity! (Although we are in Ohio!) Joscelyn has come down with a fever/aches/pains during the night. Fortunately no tummy trouble. I don't think it is anything serious but we kept her home anyhow. It is the first day of school she has missed and was so concerned that her bus driver wouldn't sit and wait on her. She made sure I was at the door to wave the bus on. Joscelyn even woke up from her nap some time later and asked me again if I had remembered! I am hoping no one else comes down with this "bug".
Mr. Dane is doing fine. He is getting ornery as ever. Like his brother Luke, he seems fearless as far as going where/when he wants. Joscelyn still hangs back for others to take the lead or (mostly) for the lights to be turned on! Dane is ssooooo very close to crawling too- he toddles around hangin' onto anything and everything. He gets quite comical to watch, seeing what he will try to grab onto next. As for talking, he is still making lots of noise, we just haven't found the translations for most things yet.
Well this is short as I am much needed by the kids. Blessings to all! Please pray for healing in our country. Also for the false prophets to be silenced. There are many among us, and many of us are unaware. Seek Jesus; He is the ONLY truth....
Love and hugs, Monte Ivy Joscelyn Dane and St. Luke
GERRI'S CANCER BATTLE
CAM THE HAM "The Boss"
BENJAMIN J
SAINT GABRIELLE
SAINT SAMUEL
HEIDI
BENJAMIN T
EILEEN
Sunday, October 31, 2004 1:51 PM CST Hi all-
Wonderful news about my mom: the lumps they have seen on her lung and liver "do not cause concern" to her oncologist. Praise God!!! He seems to think the one on the lung was due to her pneumonia (when the scan was taken) and he called the one on her liver a "pouch"- whatever that is. I personally wasn't there otherwise I would have more info. I do not like to settle for answers I do not understand, and I have never heard of livers having "pouches" but I have to take that explanation for now. Mom didn't want me (or Dad even!) to accompany her to the oncology appt. so we have to take her word for it. Would she lie? No, but mom is great at minimizing. So for now, we do PRAISE GOD!
The kids had a wonderful time trick or treating Thursday. They were out for an hour and a half with Monte. I got to hand out candy and visit with our friend Dan M. It was fun seeing all the kids so excited about dressing up! I was disappointed at the lack of variety in costumes again this year. So many black cloaked hooded creatures from that movie "Scream", it got kind of BORING after the first 20!!! The littler ones were still adorable though! I think once you hit 10 it is time to give it up anyhow...
Monte and I wondered what Lukie would have wanted to be... He was SO INTO Superman, Bibleman, Batman when he died. Actually didn't care for Spiderman. I think that was because Spidey doesn't wear a cape! Anyhow, he might have been into the cowboy thing too... He was showing a tad of interest in them towards the end...
We went to visit his grave after church again today... The thought popped into my head about him telling Joscelyn "Me win!! Me in heaven first Sis!! You no win!!" And laughing laughing laughin!! I shared that with Monte and Joscelyn and they agreed he probably is laughing and teasing her down here with that! Joscelyn always wants to be "first" at everything that it would be quite appro-pro for him to tease her. We all enjoyed that thought and walked away happy for a change.
Hope you enjoy the photos, May this week bring you peace. Remember, whoever wins the election, - we all still have GOD to listen to. HE is the real commander in chief! PLEASE VOTE!!!!!!!!!! We love you, Monte Ivy Joscelyn Dane and St. Luke
HAPPY SAINTS' DAY NOVEMBER 1, 2004
WE REMEMBER:
Luke, Gabrielle, Samuel, Kathy C., Brandon A., Shelby C., Kirsten, Aiyana, and all those little ones who triumphantly are ALIVE in Christ....
GERRI'S CANCER BATTLE
CAM THE HAM "The Boss"
BENJAMIN J
SAINT GABRIELLE
SAINT SAMUEL
HEIDI
BENJAMIN T
EILEEN
Monday, October 25, 2004 7:25 PM CDT Hello everyone! Things are better since my last posting re:grief work again. Thank you for all the words of encouragement. I do know it takes time and prayer. It just gets so overwhelming on occasion....
As for my mom, she is having an MRI scheduled for the near future to verify whether the two "bumps" they are seeing on the CT scans are cancer. Her GP has been handling it since she was hospitalized for the pneumonia, but he has sent the scans/request over to her oncologist (here in town) for his opinion. Of course, I think that is who should've been in charge from the get-go, considering Mom's history/condition. Not that the GP isn't qualified, but he doesn't have the "authority" to manage cancer care. Anyhow, they believe they are seeing 2 tumors- one on her lung and one on her liver. We just want to know what it is so that we can manage pain and symptoms. If it ISN'T cancer, then Yippee!!! She's got more (rather than less) time! Either way, God has shown much mercy on her and for that we are grateful.
I have shared this with many of you before, but I was focusing on it again last night and decided to share it in a new way. I emphasize different parts when I get stressed. It kind of reinforces the meaning- for me at least.
Psalm 46 vs 10:
BE STILL and know that I am God.
Be still and KNOW that I am God.
Be still and know that I AM God.
Be still and know that I AM GOD!
Sending hugs and prayers for blessings to all of you. Love, Monte Ivy Joscelyn Dane and St. Luke
Please visit Kody Kruppenbacher: he has just relapsed after a wonderfully happy, healthy period. His family is understandably devastated... KODY
GERRI'S CANCER BATTLE
CAM THE HAM "The Boss"
BENJAMIN J
SAINT GABRIELLE
SAINT SAMUEL
HEIDI
BENJAMIN T
EILEEN
Wednesday, October 20, 2004 2:30 PM CDT I just got done arranging a shadow box for Luke's funeral flowers. I had saved 3 from his bouquet representing Monte, myself and Joscelyn. I also included a Superman figurine, his flower sash saying "Our Super Lukie" and a picture of him in his casket. Am I weird or what?... Anyways, I had planned on doing this for months and just now got to it. I was (once again) shocked by the strength of my grief as I was placing the items- I've known what I wanted to do. Yet once I had my hands on these things, the pain just kept flooding back. Remembering those last days, how much of a blur they were -and are-... Wondering how long until I get to hold my baby again... It is truly amazing how instantaneously you are "transported" backwards. It's been over an hour since I finished but my hands are still shaky... Have any of the other bereaved parents been through this?...How are you dealing with it? How do we continue to let this grief come without wrecking our whole day?!
Update on my mom: She gets to go home today! This is good! The downside is that her prognosis is not good. In the words of her dr.; "She is a very sick lady". He warned my father that she may have to be re-admitted sooner rather than later. Some of the tests are back showing what the dr. is pretty certain is a cancerous nodule on her lung. He also has suspicions of other organs, but will not know the results until they all meet again on Monday. Her pneumonia is under control for now but he doesn't expect her to lose the cough due to the cancer. Mom's body has been through too much to consider further treatment- something she had already decided against anyhow. So we will be with her, doing what we can. She is in a good mood currently because she is going home so that is the best we can offer. Please keep her in your prayers for peace, joy and comfort. Let her feel God's arms around her.
I very much appreciate your stopping by to check on our family... Let God's light shine on you... Love Ivy Monte Joscelyn, Dane and St. Luke
GERRI'S CANCER BATTLE
CAM THE HAM "The Boss"
BENJAMIN J
SAINT GABRIELLE
SAINT SAMUEL
HEIDI
BENJAMIN T
EILEEN
Tuesday, October 19, 2004 8:48 AM CDT Hello to all! I want to share a passage today about Christianity and truth. I feel it is important in light of all the confusion out there. Our pastor said Sunday "we (as Americans) do not lack information; rather we lack truth."
Why Is Jesus Christ the Only Way to God?>
Read Acts 4:12
One of the most common criticisms of Christianity is that it is too narrow. (=Absolute truth) Many people just cannot believe that there is only one way to heaven.
Because Christians have championed this truth, they have been criticized for implying that they are better than those who do not believe in Jesus Christ. But it is important to note that the reason Christians believe Jesus Christ is the only way to heaven is because He Himself said it. Jesus said, "I am THE way, THE truth, and THE life. No one can come to the Father except through me" (John 14:6)
**If humankind could have reached God any other way, Jesus would not have had to die. His voluntary death on the cross clearly illustrates the fact that there is no other way. Those who reject His loving offer of forgiveness- which is extended to ALL of humankind- do so at their own peril. author: Greg Laurie
Monte and I have put our lives, our family and our future in Christ. I KNOW He is real, I KNOW our son Lukie is with him, and I KNOW only with Him will we ever maintain this peace amidst this storm we call 'life'. I guess what really amazes me is how the answer is right here, yet so many refuse to accept it...
Anyhow, Mom is still inpatient, still very sick and still having tests run. Please keep her in your prayers, as well as the families on the links below. Also, please pray for our nation... so much is happening, so much strife and heartache and confusion... I often find myself feeling guilty for our good life when I realize the turmoil we are surrounded by... But God says we are to have life and have it in abundance...Guilt is a tool of Satan...
Always thinking, always praying and always grateful for each of you... In love, Monte Ivy Joscelyn Dane and St. Luke
GERRI'S CANCER BATTLE
CAM THE HAM "The Boss"
BENJAMIN J
SAINT GABRIELLE
SAINT SAMUEL
HEIDI
BENJAMIN T
EILEEN
Saturday, October 16, 2004 4:04 PM CDT Good news first- My brother and sister in law are now PROUD PARENTS to their daughter Sarah Kay!!! She was brought home Monday and has been just as happy as could be since. Of course we are all riding high too, as this little gal has been prayed for for a long time!! I posted the happy family's picture on the back page.
The not so good news- my mom was dx with pneumonia Thurs. and will be inpatient for awhile we are told. She also has some GI/digestive thing going on which they are still running tests for. In addition to that, her blood counts have been decreasing too. So until all this testing is done we are once again in a holding pattern. She is in "ok" spirits, not saying much except for how disappointed she is in her health. Please continue to pray for her.
A note on grief: We all woke up just as Monte was going to work this morning. I stayed upstairs to feed Dane while Joscelyn went downstairs to watch a video. As I came downstairs, I could hear she had one of the videos we had made of Luke's life (via still images). It was just ending, but the song itself made me cry instantly ("He's My Son"). I looked down and Joscelyn had been crying as her cheeks were all wet from her tears. She just reached for me saying "I wish Lukie wasn't dead! I miss him Momma!"... All I could say was "I know honey, I know"... That was the first time she had watched any Luke videos on her own. I know the pain is still so very strong, and the desire to be with him again, reliving the happy joyous times equally strong. Joscelyn is such a courageous, sensitive child... May God be merciful to her as she grows...
In Love, The Ervin Family
GERRI'S CANCER BATTLE
CAM THE HAM "The Boss"
BENJAMIN J
SAINT GABRIELLE
SAINT SAMUEL
HEIDI
BENJAMIN T
EILEEN
Monday, October 11, 2004 8:45 AM CDT We had a busy week and weekend once again in the Ervin household! Monte has been siding the house as fast as he can because the gutter co. is supposed to be coming in a couple of weeks. Not only is he redoing the siding but all the aluminum trim around the windows as well as replacing the fascia and soffits, mainly because the insulation needed updated as well as some of the wood. A *huge* undertaking when you consider he has to do his own work via the construction business at the same time.
Anyhow, we did squeeze in a visit to an area gardening place that was having a 'harvest party'. We went with our neighbors who have kids who are Joscelyn and Dane's ages. It was alot of fun- even for us big kids!! But it did bring back mixed memories of times we had done things like that with Luke. I realized something too, no matter what we are doing, I still consider how Luke would like something. Whether it is an activity, food, object, etc... Just as I consider how Joscelyn/Dane would like it. I guess that is the part that you don't 'let go' of...it is such a natural instinct that you don't reaize you're doing it till after you have done it. I am sooo ever grateful he was in our lives.......
My mom is going downhill again with her health... she has been very weak/ill all weekend and should hopefully be seeing a dr. today. She tries to say it is the flu, a cold, etc. but Dad and I are convinced it is "just her". She is so upset about it because she has *never* been a complainer, nor has she had to rely on others for her care. Dad is so good about waiting on her and I do whatever she asks too- which isn't much. Did have to give her a shot (routine) because she is shaking too bad to do it herself. It is methatrexate that she takes for her arthritis which is now in her cervical vertabrae. It sends shooting pain up through her skull. At first I thought she was having brain problems but the rheumatologist said the pain often presents that way... No matter what, she still keeps a smile on her face and wants to see the kids, at least for a little while. It makes Joscelyn sad to see her Grandma so fragile, but Papa gets down on the floor with them and 'roughs them up'. Joscelyn makes Grandma cards daily- even during her art activities at kindergarten. I feel sooo sad myself that Joscelyn has seen so much illness during her 5 years. Yet I also praise God because I know it is through strife that we develop our character and strength. Monte and I pray daily to be the parents she needs (and Dane). He knows somedays I need LOTS of help in that area!!
To end on a good note: My brother Joe and wife Allison are driving to Cincy as I write to PICK UP THEIR ADOPTED DAUGHTER!!!!!!! She was born last week and the birth mom already has 3 kids, supposedly can't afford another, and is signing off today> on her lunch hour! Please pray for her, but give PRAISE TO GOD that this is happening!!! The birth mom doesn't want any future contact and neither does my brother & sister in law. They are naming her Sarah Kay Hahn and she is 7#3oz. I will up date more when I meet her this evening!
Love and hugs and prayers to you all!!!!!!! Monte Ivy Joscelyn and Dane and St. Luke xoxoxox
PS> If anyone wants to see more of our fall party pictures, I can email you the Ofoto site invitation. Just email me! thanks
GERRI'S CANCER BATTLE
CAM THE HAM "The Boss"
BENJAMIN J
SAINT GABRIELLE
SAINT SAMUEL
HEIDI
BENJAMIN T
EILEEN
Tuesday, October 5, 2004 5:58 PM CDT I received a provocative email a few days ago and knew it needed to be shared with many. I am not aware of its' author, maybe someone out there who is reading it is. I hope you get as much out of it as I did.
THE BRICK
A young and successful executive was traveling down a neighborhood
street, going a bit too fast in his new Jaguar. He was watching for kids darting out from between parked cars and slowed down when he thought he saw something.
As his car passed, no children appeared. Instead, a brick smashed into the Jag's side door!
He slammed on the brakes and backed the Jag back to the spot where the brick had been thrown.
The angry driver then jumped out of the car, grabbed the nearest kid and pushed him up against a parked car shouting,
"What was that all about and who are you? Just what the heck are! you doing? That's a new car and that brick you threw is going to cost a lot of money. Why did you do it?"
The young boy was apologetic. "Please, mister..please, I'm sorry but I didn't know what else to do," He pleaded. "I threw the brick because no one else would stop..."
With tears dripping down his face and off his chin, the youth pointed to a spot just around a parked car. "It's my brother," he said. "He rolled off the curb and fell out of his wheelchair and I can't lift him up" Now sobbing, the boy asked the stunned executive, "Would you please help me get him back into his wheelchair? He's hurt and he's too heavy for me."
Moved beyond words, the driver tried to swallow the rapidly swelling lump in his throat He hurriedly lifted the handicapped boy back into the wheelchair, then took out a linen handkerchief and dabbed at the fresh scrapes and cuts. A quick look told him everything was going to be okay..
"Thank you ! and may God bless you," the grateful child told the stranger.
Too shook up for words, the man simply watched the boy push his wheelchair-bound brother down the sidewalk toward their home It was a long, slow walk back to the Jaguar. The damage was very noticeable, but the driver never bothered to repair the dented side door He kept the dent there to remind him of this message:
"Don't go through life so fast that someone has to throw a brick at you to get your attention!"
God whispers in our souls and speaks to our hearts.
Sometimes when we don't have time to listen,
He has to throw a brick at us.
It's our choice to listen or not.
GERRI'S CANCER BATTLE- Our friend from church who was dx in June with thymomic cancer
CAM THE HAM "The Boss" - Just in REMISSION!!! Cam is an adorable 4 yr old with the personality that will knock your socks off- please visit him!
BENJAMIN J - Ben just found out (Sept) that although his tumor has grown some, he was *released* from hospice to continue therapy for his cancer. Keep praying the new clinical trial medicine does the trick!!
SAINT GABRIELLE - Your heart will be filled with Christ's love through the inspiration and memories of Gabbie's devoted mom Monica...
SAINT SAMUEL is a child living in heaven now. His mother also keeps up his journal and is inspiring.
HEIDI is the daughter of a friend of ours with end-stage lung disease and is now awaiting transplant. She has her own family to nurture as well...
This is BENJAMIN T's site, who is thankfully on his way to full victory in his cancer battle! I befriended his family down at Children's hospital as they were getting diagnosed and we were being told Lukie had 3-6 months...
EILEEN is a very special lady who does alot for CB families.
Sunday, October 3, 2004 8:05 PM CDT This weekend was the first true "fall" weather experience. Cold and rainy most of the day Saturday but clear and crisp today. I had inadvertently flipped a switch, shutting off the heater on Friday. So when it got down to the 40's Saturday night we were *freezin'*!! Fortunately Monte discovered my mistake Sunday morning and we are nice and toasty again- whew!!
We had communion at church this morning. As I sat in the pew holding my cup of wine juice I found myself really thinking about what it took for Christ to give me that cup to hold. Taking communion helps us to stay aware of Christ's sacrifice and His saving blood. His death was the pure sacrifice we all have to have in order to enter into heaven... I drifted into thought about how translucent the liquid was in that little cup, yet how very very strong was the person (God!) from whom it flowed... His blood washes away all the evil, all the anger, envy, resentment that piles up like garbage in our very own blood. Just that morning I added to the contamination by getting very angry and resentful at Dane for not sleeping longer (yes, again). And while my blood is thick and full of gunk, here is Christ's, freely being shed for us and through the most horrendous of ways. (If you have seen "The Passion" then you can know what I mean.) Here I was this morning, totally unworthy, totally covered in the dirt of sin and yet holding the Lord's sacrificial blood! I am ever so grateful, so totally humbled and soooooo undeserving that Christ would die for me!!! I am amazed every time I focus on that... the most precious Living Sacrifice, generously given for me (and you!)
I think about Luke, and how his blood was pretty much destroyed temporarily through treatment. Then how it was forced from his veins upon his death... God's grace is SO AMAZING that through HIS OWN SON'S BLOOD, we are permitted to live!!!!
I ask you: How can you NOT place your faith in Christ?! No other TRUTH exists. I crave the day we will be able to bow down at His feet!! Please, ACCEPT Christ as your saviour now, while He is giving you the chance. If you are waiting for your deathbed, you might get fooled. But especially I ask: why are you postponing receiving your treasure????
Once again I felt God's word speaking to me... May He bless you this week as you encounter each day. He loves you and so do we! Monte Ivy Joscelyn Dane and St. Luke- who already knows God's wonderous bounty!!!!
GERRI'S CANCER BATTLE- Our friend from church who was dx in June with thymomic cancer
CAM THE HAM "The Boss" - Just in REMISSION!!! Cam is an adorable 4 yr old with the personality that will knock your socks off- please visit him!
BENJAMIN J - Ben just found out (Sept) that although his tumor has grown some, he was *released* from hospice to continue therapy for his cancer. Keep praying the new clinical trial medicine does the trick!!
SAINT GABRIELLE - Your heart will be filled with Christ's love through the inspiration and memories of Gabbie's devoted mom Monica...
SAINT SAMUEL is a child living in heaven now. His mother also keeps up his journal and is inspiring.
HEIDI is the daughter of a friend of ours with end-stage lung disease and is now awaiting transplant. She has her own family to nurture as well...
This is BENJAMIN T's site, who is thankfully on his way to full victory in his cancer battle! I befriended his family down at Children's hospital as they were getting diagnosed and we were being told Lukie had 3-6 months...
EILEEN is a very special lady who does alot for CB families.
Saturday, October 2, 2004 10:25 AM CDT Can you believe I voluntarily passed up a chance to see the President (Bush) with a local mayor this morning?! I did! All because I have a stubborn 12 month old son who refused to stay asleep last night. Dane had us up from 2-5 fussing. I usually feed him before he goes down at 9ish then again at 5-6 am. Well every now and then he decides to do what he did last night> wake up howling, working himself into a fit refusing to back down. He might quiet down for 20min or so but then it is back to the yelling. And I do mean yelling. Not your typical baby whimpering, nope, not Dane. This boy throws a FIT! We know he is "ok", he is just used to getting his way 99% of the time. Monte was able to finally convince him to stay settled around 5 so we were able to sleep until 7. And for those who know me, that is NOT EVEN CLOSE to enough sleep!!! I am a 9-10 hour person so that has just thrown me all out of whack.
Now the weird thing about last night, is that I was all excited about seeing the Pres. which I had known I could do since Wednesday. As I said, a close family friend of ours is the mayor of a local village so he got special seats. (Yes he is a republican too) Monte didn't care to go but I did because I personally am a Bush fan. So we had it all figured out that Josc would go with my parents for special "one on one" time and Monte would have Dane as he worked around the house. As I laid down and snuggled into bed last night, 3 times I *heard* God come into my mind and tell me not to go tomorrow. (to the presidential visit). No reason why - just a firm voice saying 'you are not to go'. No, I am not crazy, and no I do not know why I heard that. I laughed this morning as I told Monte about it because God knows I am stubborn as well so He probably kept Dane awake as a precaution that I wouldn't go!! Either way, it worked! Here I sit typing instead of meeting the Prez'! Sigh....
Later today we are going to the Prairie Peddler which is a family craft/entertainment event. It is outside (so it better stop raining!) with 180 crafters as well as pony rides, people in settler attire doing what settlers would've done way back when, etc. Plus lots of good food! We went last time with Luke who was enthralled with the cowboy show that was put on. Two men in western wear pretended to have a 'disagreement' which resulted in some gun-slinging going down. Josc. got scared but Luke just stopped to watch and really got a kick out of watching them swagger and pretend to go after each other. You could say it was defintely a 'boy thing'!!! He and Josc would love to run to each different craft display to see what 'nomen and birds and reindeers would be for sale. They both were so thrilled to see the variety of decorations around. Plus I know to them it helped to remind them of the up coming holidays.
I know Luke is surrounded by all that is good, beautiful and loving now... Jesus, give Lukie an extra kiss and big HUG from us today... We love him and miss him
Thank you for your love and prayers... Monte Ivy Joscelyn Dane and St. Luke
GERRI'S CANCER BATTLE- Our friend from church who was dx in June with thymomic cancer
CAM THE HAM "The Boss" - Just in REMISSION!!! Cam is an adorable 4 yr old with the personality that will knock your socks off- please visit him!
BENJAMIN J - Ben just found out (Sept) that although his tumor has grown some, he was *released* from hospice to continue therapy for his cancer. Keep praying the new clinical trial medicine does the trick!!
SAINT GABRIELLE - Your heart will be filled with Christ's love through the inspiration and memories of Gabbie's devoted mom Monica...
SAINT SAMUEL is a child living in heaven now. His mother also keeps up his journal and is inspiring.
HEIDI is the daughter of a friend of ours with end-stage lung disease and is now awaiting transplant. She has her own family to nurture as well...
This is BENJAMIN T's site, who is thankfully on his way to full victory in his cancer battle! I befriended his family down at Children's hospital as they were getting diagnosed and we were being told Lukie had 3-6 months...
EILEEN is a very special lady who does alot for CB families.
Tuesday, September 28, 2004 8:13 PM CDT HAPPY ANNIVERSARY MONTE!!! It is our 8th wedding anniversary- woo hoo!!! He is the BEST most AWESOME husband = He puts God first in our lives and treats me like a queen!!! I am soooo thankful I have been blessed with him on this journey!!!
Wonderful news from another buddy of ours- Cam the Ham is in REMISSION!!!!! Yeah! Yipee!! Do the HAPPY DANCE with me!! Visit his link below: he had his MRI Monday and got the spectacular news. Praise God!
Please keep Gerri in prayer as she will be coming to her own treatment crossroads in a couple of weeks. It has been a very very difficult road and she needs lots of Christian support. Let her know how God is working through this stupid cancer.
Sending prayer and gratitude daily for each of you. Thank you for your love and compassion for us as well.
Hugs,,,, Monte Ivy Joscelyn Dane and St. Luke
GERRI'S CANCER BATTLE- Our friend from church who was dx in June with thymomic cancer
CAM THE HAM "The Boss" - Just in REMISSION!!! Cam is an adorable 4 yr old with the personality that will knock your socks off- please visit him!
BENJAMIN J - Ben just found out (Sept) that although his tumor has grown some, he was *released* from hospice to continue therapy for his cancer. Keep praying the new clinical trial medicine does the trick!!
SAINT GABRIELLE - Your heart will be filled with Christ's love through the inspiration and memories of Gabbie's devoted mom Monica...
SAINT SAMUEL is a child living in heaven now. His mother also keeps up his journal and is inspiring.
HEIDI is the daughter of a friend of ours with end-stage lung disease and is now awaiting transplant. She has her own family to nurture as well...
This is BENJAMIN T's site, who is thankfully on his way to full victory in his cancer battle! I befriended his family down at Children's hospital as they were getting diagnosed and we were being told Lukie had 3-6 months...
EILEEN is a very special lady who does alot for CB families.
Sunday, September 26, 2004 8:37 PM CDT I had a dream Friday night about Luke's death again. Reliving it step by step. I was explaining to my mom's sister (Pat) how the last day went of Luke's life. Also that my parents weren't selling their house because it was the place Luke died. I awoke myself sobbing again at the sheer emptiness.... I had laid right there as Luke was taking his last breaths, praying for Jesus to send His angels to carry Luke home. I was feeling the life stirring within me (Dane) as I was desperately trying to lead my older son gently to his death- begging and pleading for it to come quickly as Luke was suffering so. The horror of those last few days lingers like a dirty haze you just can't walk far enough away from. I remember lying next to Luke with a baby washcloth wedged in his cheek to help prevent him from literally gnashing his teeth (blood was all over) I saved those washcloths along with what he was wearing that night.... I remember as evening fell that night, as the last rays of the sun set behind the trees thinking "there went Luke's last daylight hours on earth... and he didn't even get to see it...." Oh my heart is breaking again!!!!!!! I just want to hold him and smell his sweet hair, stroke his tiny arms, nuzzle his wonderful neck, feel him grasp my hand and rub my thumb, something he used to do almost as an obsession.... All I am left with on earth are these memories, and the most precious thing> the knowledge that through the grace of God and His Son Jesus, I WILL see Lukie again, be able to smell him, nuzzle him and forever cuddle with him. Ahh but if it were to only come so very very soon.... Again I pray aloud- no plead! - "Come soon Lord Jesus!!!... We soooo love you...Please let our baby boy know how very much we miss him growing up here on earth, and we are soooo grateful you have him in Your lap Lord" Please, open your heart to God so you too can join us in heaven with Lukie one day.... We love you.... Monte Ivy Joscelyn and Dane, to Lukie.....
GERRI'S CANCER BATTLE- Our friend from church who was dx in June with thymomic cancer
CAM THE HAM "The Boss" - Our newest friend who is just a living ball of sunshine!!! He is an adorable 4 year old boy battling his own "brain blob" as he calls it....
BENJAMIN J - Ben just found out (Sept) that although his tumor has grown some, he was *released* from hospice to continue therapy for his cancer. Keep praying the new clinical trial medicine does the trick!!
SAINT GABRIELLE -This is a very solemn saint who also lost her battle with childhood cancer. Her mother Monica also follows Christ and is soooo faithful with her testimony
SAINT SAMUEL is a child living in heaven now. His mother also keeps up his journal and is inspiring.
HEIDI is the daughter of a friend of ours with end-stage lung disease and is now awaiting transplant. She has her own family to nurture as well...
This is BENJAMIN T's site, who is thankfully on his way to full victory in his cancer battle! I befriended his family down at Children's hospital as they were getting diagnosed and we were being told Lukie had 3-6 months...
EILEEN is a very special lady who does alot for CB families.
Thursday, September 23, 2004 8:07 PM CDT PRAISE GOD! Dane's opthamology exam revealed *nothing*- which is a darn good thing to hear after these roller coaster years!!! His two-toned eye is just that: two toned!! His vision is a tad far sighted but that has nothing to do with the heterochromia- YIPEE! So we will go back to see the doctor in 2 yrs to evaluate his vision, but other than that we can go about living our lives- YIPEE again! It is amazing the anxiety you let overcome you when you have seen what could go wrong. I just kept trying to focus on God, knowing that whatever happened, once again HE knows what is best for us all! (whew!)
Another HUGE PRAISE for God> Benjamin Jones was taken OFF hospice this week!!! With another MRI, the results revealed things weren't as bad as they had surmised 4 months ago. DO check out his site to see another wonderful example of God's handiwork!!! It will truly lift your spirits!!!
Thoughts of Luke... He was always very content to play by himself and great at amusing himself. I never realized how good he was at this until Dane came along. Dane is definetly a lap baby- which is ok most of the time. Luke would just be content to sit and look through his baby books or play with his toys unassisted. Dane will to a point, but needs someone to direct him. Joscelyn is more like Dane as well. I call them "high maintenance kids". Funny, you would think it would be the other way around, considering Luke's situation. The one who needed the most, actually required the least....
Love and gratitude to all of you. PRAYER DOES WORK!! Monte Ivy Joscelyn and Dane and St. Luke
GERRI'S CANCER BATTLE- Our friend from church who was dx in June with thymomic cancer
CAM THE HAM "The Boss" - Our newest friend who is just a living ball of sunshine!!! He is an adorable 4 year old boy battling his own "brain blob" as he calls it....
BENJAMIN J - Ben just found out (Sept) that although his tumor has grown some, he was *released* from hospice to continue therapy for his cancer. Keep praying the new clinical trial medicine does the trick!!
SAINT GABRIELLE -This is a very solemn saint who also lost her battle with childhood cancer. Her mother Monica also follows Christ and is soooo faithful with her testimony
SAINT SAMUEL is a child living in heaven now. His mother also keeps up his journal and is inspiring.
HEIDI is the daughter of a friend of ours with end-stage lung disease and is now awaiting transplant. She has her own family to nurture as well...
This is BENJAMIN T's site, who is thankfully on his way to full victory in his cancer battle! I befriended his family down at Children's hospital as they were getting diagnosed and we were being told Lukie had 3-6 months...
EILEEN is a very special lady who does alot for CB families.
Wednesday, September 22, 2004 9:05 AM CDT We have Dane's opthamolgy appt. for tomorrow. He now has a cold too- boo.... We had a rough weekend with him as he had a fever the whole time. It was time for Dane's 1yr vaccinations last Friday at his reg. appt so we did them. He had never had a reaction before but also got the MMR one which was new to him. Well... he was feverish and clingy the whole weekend! Just kept giving him Motrin/Tylenol/Benedryl per the dr;s orders and he was fine yesterday- whew! Now he has a regular cold, just can't win sometimes. I wonder if they "make" you get the 2nd MMR shot if they have a reaction to the first???
OH, HAPPY FALL EVERYBODY! This is my fav. season, with the decor, smells, etc. God makes sure we have lots of good things to leave happy memories in our minds once the earth 'goes to sleep'! That's all I can figure anyhow.
Have to keep a move on this morning- time always gets away from me. I don't want to turn around to another 'magic marker mouth' either!! hee hee hee
Love Monte Ivy Joscelyn Dane and St. Luke
GERRI'S CANCER BATTLE- Our friend from church who was dx in June with thymomic cancer
CAM THE HAM "The Boss" - Our newest friend who is just a living ball of sunshine!!! He is an adorable 4 year old boy battling his own "brain blob" as he calls it....
BENJAMIN J - Please hold this family up in prayer. Ben has relapsed and every day counts alot right now.
SAINT GABRIELLE -This is a very solemn saint who also lost her battle with childhood cancer. Her mother Monica also follows Christ and is soooo faithful with her testimony
SAINT SAMUEL is a child living in heaven now. His mother also keeps up his journal and is inspiring.
HEIDI is the daughter of a friend of ours with end-stage lung disease and is now awaiting transplant. She has her own family to nurture as well...
This is BENJAMIN T's site, who is thankfully on his way to full victory in his cancer battle! I befriended his family down at Children's hospital as they were getting diagnosed and we were being told Lukie had 3-6 months...
EILEEN is a very special lady who does alot for CB families.
Friday, September 17, 2004 8:31 PM CDT Well we are once again a "pet-free" household. Annie was given to another family today after several major issues surfaced. One being Monte's allergies became active again resulting in rashes all over his inner arms whereever Annie licked on him. But the biggie for me was that Dane was petrified of him. Whenever Dane would be put down on the floor Annie would try to run over and "play" with Dane. She would inadvertently scratch him or knock him over causing Dane to become hysterical if I would try to put him down by his own toys. Then Joscelyn would get upset because she thought Annie was hurting Dane and would get all shrill and panicky (not good reactions around a puppy!) Annie was becoming more rambunctious as she got more comfortable in the house and we had several accidents on our carpet too which if any of you *know* me, I am a clean freak and that tripped my trigger. Sooooo off she went today at noon. I steam cleaned the upstairs thoroughly and plan to attack the downstairs hopefully tomorrow. I am disappointed at myself for letting this happen (adopting a dog). I should've known better with Dane being so little and the new dog requiring so much care. I made a promise to myself to not even think about getting another pet till at least Dane is in middle school! They are just waaayyy too much maintenance for me to be able to properly committ to.
Bitter reminder today: I took Dane to the pediatrician for his 1yr well-baby exam. During it our doctor decided he would feel better if Dane was seen by a ped. opthamologist regarding his left eye. Dane has a 2 toned iris on that eye (heterochromia) which sometimes can signal CNS problems! As far as Dr. Redding could tell, there wasn't any signs of disease, and Dane tracked objects fine, but Dr. R. wanted personal reassurance given Luke's history. I felt like the shadow of the cancer monster was lurking in the background silently laughing.... I am not sure of the appt. but will certainly keep you all updated. Please pray for a clean bill of health for us.
Joscelyn was going through Dane's closet this morning, looking to see what he had for the cooler weather. She grabbed a dress suit which used to be Lukie's and asked me "Mommy, didn't Luke look handsome in this? Pretty soon Dane will look handsome in it too!"... Just remembering brought back tears to my eyes seeing that "handsome" outfit just hanging on a hanger now, it's prince in a cold grave.... The pain pierces your heart over and over...
We love you all,... enjoy the fall weather. Pray for one another. Love Monte Ivy Joscelyn Dane and St. Luke
GERRI'S CANCER BATTLE- Our friend from church who was dx in June with thymomic cancer
CAM THE HAM "The Boss" - Our newest friend who is just a living ball of sunshine!!! He is an adorable 4 year old boy battling his own "brain blob" as he calls it....
BENJAMIN J - Please hold this family up in prayer. Ben has relapsed and every day counts alot right now.
SAINT GABRIELLE -This is a very solemn saint who also lost her battle with childhood cancer. Her mother Monica also follows Christ and is soooo faithful with her testimony
SAINT SAMUEL is a child living in heaven now. His mother also keeps up his journal and is inspiring.
HEIDI is the daughter of a friend of ours with end-stage lung disease and is now awaiting transplant. She has her own family to nurture as well...
This is BENJAMIN T's site, who is thankfully on his way to full victory in his cancer battle! I befriended his family down at Children's hospital as they were getting diagnosed and we were being told Lukie had 3-6 months...
EILEEN is a very special lady who does alot for CB families.
Wednesday, September 15, 2004 7:31 PM CDT I am very excited that Annie seems to be working out well. NO accidents in the house for 24 hours!!! Yipee! Not even in her crate! I am so thankful. Our last experience was a rough one with our dog Duke and I am determined not to repeat it. We got her before kids and while we were both working full time. Needless to say he just did not receive the proper training from us. Plus we later learned his breed was difficult as they love to run and have huge egos. Sigh... I have been dilegently following a dog training book and praying praying praying that God will allow this to work out for everyone's good!!
I got to be the "teacher's helper" in Joscelyn's class today and it was a blast! I was only there 2.5 hours but it truly flew by. I was in charge of the color/shape "bingo" game which was one the kids could come to during their other learning activities. Boy were these kids into it!!! I was cracking up at their enthusiasm about winning. The prize was a candy treat so that played a big part of it for sure. Joscelyn was sooo thrilled to have me with her. She knew I would be there but was just beaming when she saw me in the room. I LOVE that part of parenting- seeing your baby grin wildly at your prescense!!
I remember driving by the school with Joscelyn and Luke when we learned we would be moving into this school district. I pointed out the buildings and playgrounds and buses to them, telling them that this is where they would go, one of those buses would take them there, look at the cool playgrounds you'll have to play on....etc. Luke was just as excited about it as Joscelyn... One more memory that became just that... I miss you Lukie!!! You would have loved going to school, especially with your Sis. How I wish you could baby...
Saying prayers of love and joy for having had you here the very very short time that we did....
Love, Mommy, Daddy Sis and brother Dane....
GERRI'S CANCER BATTLE- Our friend from church who was dx in June with thymomic cancer
CAM THE HAM "The Boss" - Our newest friend who is just a living ball of sunshine!!! He is an adorable 4 year old boy battling his own "brain blob" as he calls it....
BENJAMIN J - Please hold this family up in prayer. Ben has relapsed and every day counts alot right now.
SAINT GABRIELLE -This is a very solemn saint who also lost her battle with childhood cancer. Her mother Monica also follows Christ and is soooo faithful with her testimony
SAINT SAMUEL is a child living in heaven now. His mother also keeps up his journal and is inspiring.
HEIDI is the daughter of a friend of ours with end-stage lung disease and is now awaiting transplant. She has her own family to nurture as well...
This is BENJAMIN T's site, who is thankfully on his way to full victory in his cancer battle! I befriended his family down at Children's hospital as they were getting diagnosed and we were being told Lukie had 3-6 months...
EILEEN is a very special lady who does alot for CB families.
Tuesday, September 14, 2004 1:54 PM CDT I am still unsure where the Lord is going with this journal, but I will continue to write. I know it has definetly helped me during/after Luke's illness as well as so many of you who faithfully stay with us.
**Thank you for taking the time to stop by and email/post your support for us!!***
We have a new addition to the family as of yesterday> We adopted a dog!!! She is a 4mo old black lab mix from the pound. Playful like a pup but still calm and good natured. Monte's family has had labs (purebred) all his life so he is familiar with them. I have only had Duke and a poodle and a lhaso apso (if that is actually considered a dog; hee hee) Deep down I prefer cats but with Monte's allergies that is a no go. We decided on a pound dog because of the cost and truthfully, we have seen others have better experiences with "mutts" than the pure breeds. We decided to name her Annie. She has her own crate and toys and food and all that good stuff. Last night would've been good too except for Dane. He gets on these crying jags and all you can do is try to ride it out. Boy does he have a temper too! He'll throw a fit because he is by himself in the crib, but we dare not pick him up because he will instantly want to stay awake. So he goes through these 10 min crying tantrums about every other hour. Poor Annie didn't know what to think. She did mess in her crate once but I don't think that is too horrible. I am determined not to let my house get "doggy odor" which means we are housebreaking her pronto! No messes since this am either- yippee!
Gotta go get my errands done. Posted pics of Dane's park party from Sunday. Hope you all enjoy! Love Monte Ivy Joscelyn Dane and St. Luke of course
GERRI'S CANCER BATTLE- Our friend from church who was dx in June with thymomic cancer
CAM THE HAM "The Boss" - Our newest friend who is just a living ball of sunshine!!! He is an adorable 4 year old boy battling his own "brain blob" as he calls it....
BENJAMIN J - Please hold this family up in prayer. Ben has relapsed and every day counts alot right now.
SAINT GABRIELLE -This is a very solemn saint who also lost her battle with childhood cancer. Her mother Monica also follows Christ and is soooo faithful with her testimony
SAINT SAMUEL is a child living in heaven now. His mother also keeps up his journal and is inspiring.
HEIDI is the daughter of a friend of ours with end-stage lung disease and is now awaiting transplant. She has her own family to nurture as well...
This is BENJAMIN T's site, who is thankfully on his way to full victory in his cancer battle! I befriended his family down at Children's hospital as they were getting diagnosed and we were being told Lukie had 3-6 months...
EILEEN is a very special lady who does alot for CB families.
Sunday, September 12, 2004 9:13 PM CDT HAPPY BIRTHDAY DANE!!! You are 1 year old Monday!!! Yipee!!
We celebrated his birthday this afternoon with an outdoor party at an area park. It was a beautiful day for being outside- warm and sunny. Dane was so entertained by all of our commotion over him. I don't think he knew quite what to make of it, but enjoyed it none the less! We had silly string, confetti poppers, noise makers and plenty of balloons to go with the cake and ice cream. I will be posting those pics tomorrow when I have more time. (It is actually bedtime here now!)
The sadness wasn't far today though... Just as we are celebrating Dane's one year with us, we are remembering that it is Luke's 1yr 6 weeks without us. Or us without Luke...And my heart is heavy. I don't "consciously" track the time, yet I could tell you exactly how long it has been at the drop of a hat. You don't forget. That event created a huge chasm in our souls...Until I am in heaven I doubt it will ever change....
I haven't been posting as often because I am not sure how to continue to honor Luke without boring you all. Everyday I think of him, yet am I doing Joscelyn and Dane a dis-service by coming here and indulging my memory in Luke, as though what they are doing isn't as important since they are not the ones who died>?? But if I write more about them, is it still right to call this "St. Luke's Legacy"?? The balance is soo very hard to find. I feel like I am Luke's only voice here now and if I quit talking about him, will he "fade away" from us?? Is it fair to Joscelyn and Dane who can't compete with Luke and how he lived and died? Although Joscelyn and Dane are very blessed, special and divinely important as well, both to us as parents and to God, their creator.
This online Journal has been a huge blessing to myself and I know to many of you who have so graciously taken the time to tell us so. I will continue on, just unsure of the focus right now. We are always grateful for your prayers and support of us. Our hearts sing praise to the Lord for each of you, I promise!! Love and Hugs, Monte Ivy Joscelyn and Dane and St. Luke xoxoxoxoox
GERRI'S CANCER BATTLE- Our friend from church who was dx in June with thymomic cancer
CAM THE HAM "The Boss" - Our newest friend who is just a living ball of sunshine!!! He is an adorable 4 year old boy battling his own "brain blob" as he calls it....
BENJAMIN J - Please hold this family up in prayer. Ben has relapsed and every day counts alot right now.
SAINT GABRIELLE -This is a very solemn saint who also lost her battle with childhood cancer. Her mother Monica also follows Christ and is soooo faithful with her testimony
SAINT SAMUEL is a child living in heaven now. His mother also keeps up his journal and is inspiring.
HEIDI is the daughter of a friend of ours with end-stage lung disease and is now awaiting transplant. She has her own family to nurture as well...
This is BENJAMIN T's site, who is thankfully on his way to full victory in his cancer battle! I befriended his family down at Children's hospital as they were getting diagnosed and we were being told Lukie had 3-6 months...
EILEEN is a very special lady who does alot for CB families.
Friday, September 3, 2004 8:29 PM CDT Totally sorry for the lapse in writing again... So many things have been on my mind as of late that I have been torn as to what to write about what. If that makes any sense.... Anyhow, first things first: We still do not know what has caused my mom's lungs to fill up with fluid. She figures no news from the docs is good news. I wish I could concur, but I am not that optimistic I guess. I have seen how very persistant cancer is and her overall health is certainly not conducive to remission at this time. But I will keep you all updated. Thank you for your continued prayers and emails about her!
Second; Joscelyn did start kindergarten this week (Tues) and also began riding the bus! Needless to say, Monte and I cried as the bus was pulling away the first day. My heart went right along with her. Actually I am still experiencing anxiety about her going on the bus. I wait right at the edge of the yard for the bus to come back in the afternoons, then give her great big Mommy-bear hugs until she wiggles out of my arms! I am comfortable with her being in school, as I know who she is with and the general atmosphere/environment. But the bus travels around and around, and I don't know everyone who gets on/off. The kids only go up to 5th grade on the bus (another does the older kids) and the drivers are understanding about their younger riders. I just pray with her everyday that God is with her, that she knows that, and that God will send His angels to keep guard over her while we are apart. Sigh... Another measure of our trust in Him.
I think the last thing I wanted to write about was our salvation. Our pastor has been covering the shorter books in the NT, of which Jude was the topic this past Sunday. In it, the writer speaks of contending for the faith, urging Christ's followers to recognize the finality of the divine judgement and the eternality of the divine judgement. Pastor Dave said it this way: "Folks, there IS NO 2nd CHANCE! We must respond to Christ while we have breath." How true, yet how very sad that people are more concerned with any number of things other than their salvation. They will spend hours researching what kind of car to buy, how to finance it, what color it should be, what features it needs to have... Or they will spend money money money on buying clothes to make others think they look good, to boost their own egos, to try to convince themselves and others that they are better than inside that they feel they are. People will get all fired up about the latest athlete's abilities, or even that celebritie's personal life- as though it will matter one iota to your relationship what that person does with theirs (ie: Michael Jackson;Paris Hilton) When you TRULY start intentionally focusing on God and what HE wants from us your whole perspective will change. Even going to Walmart or Kohls, Home Depot etc. ***Look full upon His face...And the things of this world will grow strangely dim in the awe of His mercy and grace. **** (from a song this past Sunday)
Without Him, we are nothing, we have nothing and we will get nothing. Please, accept Christ as your personal saviour today, TONIGHT!! Read your Bible- don't avoid church-it IS the body of Christ. If you feel uncomfortable there, find one that is teaching, sharing and helping others in Christ. Just BE SURE they are following God's holy and inspired Word, not what their church traditions dictate. You read it out of the Bible for yourself. There are many many churches guilty of deceit operating out there. (purgatory, homosexual unions, psychic predictions/mediums, to name a few) If they are not teaching exactly what God says in the Bible, run the other way! God was very specific on what He wants and expects. And it is rather simple too. It is we humans who think we have the "better" way.
I thank you for putting up with me. God has been burdening my heart for days to speak out again. I want it to be clear and inspire that one (or more) person it is meant for. If you are hearing Him speak to you, listen. Quiet your mind and He will get louder, you will understand. God is gently persistent. With humble lives and grateful hearts, In Christ's Love, Monte Ivy Joscelyn Dane and St. Luke xoxoxoxoxo
GERRI'S CANCER BATTLE- Our friend from church who was dx in June with thymomic cancer
CAM THE HAM "The Boss" - Our newest friend who is just a living ball of sunshine!!! He is an adorable 4 year old boy battling his own "brain blob" as he calls it....
BENJAMIN J - Please hold this family up in prayer. Ben has relapsed and every day counts alot right now.
SAINT GABRIELLE -This is a very solemn saint who also lost her battle with childhood cancer. Her mother Monica also follows Christ and is soooo faithful with her testimony
SAINT SAMUEL is a child living in heaven now. His mother also keeps up his journal and is inspiring.
HEIDI is the daughter of a friend of ours with end-stage lung disease and is now awaiting transplant. She has her own family to nurture as well...
This is BENJAMIN T's site, who is thankfully on his way to full victory in his cancer battle! I befriended his family down at Children's hospital as they were getting diagnosed and we were being told Lukie had 3-6 months...
EILEEN is a very special lady who does alot for CB families.
Friday, August 27, 2004 8:26 AM CDT Happy end of the week all! It has been another busy one here. We were able to go to Cedar Point Monday. The kids' first time and Monte and I haven't been for 7 years! That is very odd to both of us because the park is only 1 hr north of us, yet with all we have been doing the past few years, it has somehow gotten pushed to the back of the priority list. We used to go yearly with our parents or church youth groups. Anyhow, we finally made it and had a great time! We went with our friends, the Benjamin family who are neighbors of my parent's. Their boys are 6&8 so we all had a blast. I don't ride rides because I get sick VERY easy but enjoy watching others scare themselves or checking out the 'interesting' folks who happen to walk by (You all know what I mean!!). Joscelyn was all over the rides- she was too short to ride the coasters, but did everything else. Finally, on her 8-9th ride, she got sick, proving she IS my daughter! My brothers and I all get green on those things although Monte's side does not. So after she 'emptied her tummy', we had a good laugh about it, even calling my family on the way home to let them know what happened to her!!
Joscelyn goes to school this coming Tuesday so we are happily getting her (and us!) psyched for that. She seems ready to go, although every once in awhile she says she doesn't want to go. I think it is because her playmate next door is only 3 1/2 and won't be going of course. I know she will have a blast once she gets into it. Plus some other friends will be there from preschool and other areas of the neighborhood.
Hey, BIG PRAISE for God regarding Gerri Schoutko- her chemo appears to be shrinking her tumor!!! Check out her site below. Also, PRAISE to God on behalf of Benjamin Jones whose CNS tumors have been growing> he is still pretty much symptom free and was able to start school this year!!!!!!!
Please pray for my mom again> this time they have discovered fluid building up in her lungs. She will have a definitive CT scan Monday to see (hopefully) why> infection or cancer. She is much better with regards to her hip surgery but still very very weak (anemeia?). We are just leaving it in God's hands... she has fought soooo hard for sooo long.
We love you all, and send many thanks for your prayers! Hugs and xoxoxo, Monte Ivy Joscelyn Dane and St. Luke
WORDS OF WISDOM: "Don't expect different results from the same behaviour."
GERRI'S CANCER BATTLE- Our friend from church who was dx in June with thymomic cancer
CAM THE HAM "The Boss" - Our newest friend who is just a living ball of sunshine!!! He is an adorable 4 year old boy battling his own "brain blob" as he calls it....
BENJAMIN J - Please hold this family up in prayer. Ben has relapsed and every day counts alot right now.
SAINT GABRIELLE -This is a very solemn saint who also lost her battle with childhood cancer. Her mother Monica also follows Christ and is soooo faithful with her testimony
SAINT SAMUEL is a child living in heaven now. His mother also keeps up his journal and is inspiring.
HEIDI is the daughter of a friend of ours with end-stage lung disease and is now awaiting transplant. She has her own family to nurture as well...
This is BENJAMIN T's site, who is thankfully on his way to full victory in his cancer battle! I befriended his family down at Children's hospital as they were getting diagnosed and we were being told Lukie had 3-6 months...
EILEEN is a very special lady who does alot for CB families.
Thursday, August 19, 2004 7:24 PM CDT Lukes' hydrangea tree is blooming! The blooms are white for now but I need to add something to the soil to make them turn blue. Just have to look up what! Blue was Lukie's favorite color... then orange, purple, yellow. He was specific on that, one month before he died. I was asking him what color(s) he wanted in his new room and that was his reply. Later, when we were at my mother's home talking about the new house we would be getting Luke gave us a glimpse of his vision: My mother asked each of the kids if they were happy with the new house we were going to be moving into and Luke said matter of factly "I going to live with Jesus Maa Ma!" As though he was surprised she asked such a thing!... I *know* he knew where he would be....
So many days, hours, minutes I find myself wandering back to that boy. My heart is eternally torn. My soul can't wait to be in the lap of our Father with my son, and our whole family back as it should be. But we wait, all in our obedience to our Lord. Come soon Lord Jesus!!
THE BLESSING IN "NO"
=====================
I asked God to take away my pride.
God said "No."
It is not for Me to take away,
but for you to give it up.
I asked God to make my handicapped child whole.
God said "No."
Her spirit was whole,
her body was only temporary.
I asked God to grant me patience.
God said "No."
Patience is a byproduct of tribulations;
it isn't granted,
it is earned.
I asked God to give me happiness.
God said "No."
I give you blessings,
happiness is up to you.
I asked God to spare me pain.
God said "No."
Suffering draws you apart from worldly cares
and brings you closer to Me.
I asked God to make my spirit grow.
God said "No."
You must grow on your own,
but I will prune you to make you fruitful.
I asked for all things that I might enjoy life.
God said "No."
I will give you life so that you may enjoy all things.
I ask God to help me LOVE others, as much as He loves me.
God said... Ahhhh, finally you have the idea!
<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>
GERRI'S CANCER BATTLE- Our friend from church who was dx in June with thymomic cancer
CAM THE HAM "The Boss" - Our newest friend who is just a living ball of sunshine!!! He is an adorable 4 year old boy battling his own "brain blob" as he calls it....
BENJAMIN J - Please hold this family up in prayer. Ben has relapsed and every day counts alot right now.
SAINT GABRIELLE -This is a very solemn saint who also lost her battle with childhood cancer. Her mother Monica also follows Christ and is soooo faithful with her testimony
SAINT SAMUEL is a child living in heaven now. His mother also keeps up his journal and is inspiring.
HEIDI is the daughter of a friend of ours with end-stage lung disease and is now awaiting transplant. She has her own family to nurture as well...
This is BENJAMIN T's site, who is thankfully on his way to full victory in his cancer battle! I befriended his family down at Children's hospital as they were getting diagnosed and we were being told Lukie had 3-6 months...
EILEEN is a very special lady who does alot for CB families.
Monday, August 16, 2004 1:01 PM CDT Joscelyn starts school in 2 weeks from today and I am nervous! Not for me but for her, riding the bus by herself (unless she changes her mind and lets me take her!) going into class without me, being without Dane... And Dane! ~ he will miss his sissy too. He has even begun to crawl over to our neighbor's house when she is over there. One day he actually made it to the front door! No, he wasn't unattended, I was sweeping the driveway and keeping one eye on his little butt as it wiggled across the yard. Dane does adore Joscelyn, just like Lukie did.
She has begun to talk about him again, it goes in spurts. She says "remember when Lukie..." and says "if Lukie were here...". I still can't imagine what her mind and heart thinks~ to only be 4 and have watched your brother get sooo sick and die. For quite a few weeks last year she would ask if Lukie was ok up in heaven. And during family prayer, she still regularily asks God to let Luke blow a kiss to us.... Joscelyn vividly remembers Luke even before he was sick, so it wasn't like she always had a 'sick' brother. When he was well, he was VERY active- heck, even in that beautiful grace period God granted us Luke was VERY active. So many didn't realize that was the little boy with the brain tumor....
Anyhow, Joscelyn will start kindergarten on the 31st only going afternoons. We had the option of sending her full day but since I am at home, why?? There will be plenty of time that she will be going away from us 'fulltime' so why start her now. And sometimes I think we adults do "forget" that these are only 5 year olds and the need to let them grow up so fast should be halted. We want her to grow in her relationship with Dane, and for him to with her.
We cleaned out our last storage unit yesterday (finally!) We have had stuff in those things since March 03!!! I was doing ok with it as it was all Monte's things that he insists he "might need one day"- Has that "day" ever come for any of you??? Anyhow,, as we were loading it in his truck it occurred to me, "The last time we handled this stuff, Luke was alive. And I remember where we had kept it at our old house... which seemed seriously like another lifetime ago" Monte acknowledged but didn't want to think anymore about it. I just seem to observe all those things... And I STILL can't grasp how we were so seemingly happy and content then suddenly ALL HAS CHANGED! It truly seems surreal, like sometimes I wonder if it DID all happen?? Yet I know that is the mirage. It DID happen to us, Luke did live and die, and we have moved on- literally. And ironically, Monte and I have been once again experiencing that 'quiet joy' of daily living that we were before Luke was diagnosed. So that in itself is bittersweet. We KNOW it is all from God, yet it will never completely leave our minds, the horror of living through the death of your child.
Here is a snippet from Pastor Dave's message Sunday. He did the WHOLE book of II John in @45 minutes!! (recc: reading) "In our walk with Jesus, we must be sure to be faithful in the little things,'for it is in these rather than the big things that we are most clearly revealed for what we are and whose we are.'" [James M. Boice] WALK IN TRUTH: If you compromise the truth you are chipping away at the very foundation of our christianity. JESUS CHRIST IS THE ULTIMATE SYMBOL OF TRUTH. Truth= God's reality revealed through God's words (the bible) and actions (giving His Son). WALK IN LOVE: The test of our Love for Him is our obedience. Deep obedience comes from a heart healed by God's love.
We are proclaiming God's love for us, and our eternal gratitude for His merciful gift!! We are thankful you have stopped by to keep up with us and remember our precious son Luke. God has led you here and we hope we have been encouraging for you, through God's grace... Love and hugs, Monte, Ivy Joscelyn Dane and St.Luke
GERRI'S CANCER BATTLE- Our friend from church who was dx in June with thymomic cancer
CAM THE HAM "The Boss" - Our newest friend who is just a living ball of sunshine!!! He is an adorable 4 year old boy battling his own "brain blob" as he calls it....
BENJAMIN J - Please hold this family up in prayer. Ben has relapsed and every day counts alot right now.
SAINT GABRIELLE -This is a very solemn saint who also lost her battle with childhood cancer. Her mother Monica also follows Christ and is soooo faithful with her testimony
SAINT SAMUEL is a child living in heaven now. His mother also keeps up his journal and is inspiring.
HEIDI is the daughter of a friend of ours with end-stage lung disease and is now awaiting transplant. She has her own family to nurture as well...
This is BENJAMIN T's site, who is thankfully on his way to full victory in his cancer battle! I befriended his family down at Children's hospital as they were getting diagnosed and we were being told Lukie had 3-6 months...
EILEEN is a very special lady who does alot for CB families.
Tuesday, August 10, 2004 11:34 AM CDT Hello there-
Just wanted everyone to know we are well here. Been busy siding the garage and getting the yard ready to be seeded. That should happen at the end of this month. Plus Monte has had me ripping the aluminum siding off of the house in order to get that ready to be sided. Even though it is August, fall then winter will be here quickly. We still have alot to do before that sets in.
We went to the Ohio state fair Saturday with some friends. Actually my brother, his gf., her daughter who is Joscelyn's age and we also met up with some friends who live down that way whom we met at the hospital. It was a very fun but long day. Our Columbus friends hadn't been there in over 10 yrs and my brother hadn't been for 5 yrs so they def. had fun. This fair is like a mini amusement park for the kiddies so we spent a good deal of time waiting on rides. I was ok with that, but made sure I hit the "marketplace" where all the vendors, non-profits, etc. set up. It is always fun to pick up all the freebies, goodies, etc. people are offering. And you never know what gimmick is out again. This year it was the return of the chennille worms that "move" all over your hands. (invisible string) They were popular in the 70's too but we fell for them again!!
Luke used to love going to fairs and parades. One of the first foods he "asked" for were 'fair fries'!!! Is that bad or what?! Anyhow, when Monte and I go to those places now we still feel Luke's prescense with us. It still is odd to say "family of 4" to waiters, ticket people, etc.. Even though you only visualize 4 people, our hearts 'see' 5...
A few prayer requests for you please> Our friend David who was downsized from his job and desperately needs to find a new position with a stable company; Our CB friend Eileen who has a pinched nerve in her back; and a close friend of mine who is experiencing alot of anxiety about a new pregnancy and various health issues surrounding it. Please lift them up to God in your prayers this week.
Love to all and thanks for keeping up with us... We love you Lukie!!! xoxoxox
GERRI'S CANCER BATTLE- Our friend from church who was dx in June with thymomic cancer
CAM THE HAM "The Boss" - Our newest friend who is just a living ball of sunshine!!! He is an adorable 4 year old boy battling his own "brain blob" as he calls it....
BENJAMIN J - Please pray for Ben and his family as he has relapsed... The cancer has become aggressive, not leaving much time.....His family would appreciate your love and prayers
This is a very solemn saint named GABRIELLE who also lost her battle with childhood cancer. Her mother Monica also follows Christ and is soooo faithful with her testimony
SAMUEL is a child living in heaven now. His mother also keeps up his journal and is inspiring.
HEIDI is the daughter of a friend of ours here in town. She just developed a rare lung disease and is now awaiting transplant. She has her own family to nurture as well...
This is BENJAMIN T's site, who is thankfully on his way to full victory in his cancer battle! I befriended his family down at Children's hospital as they were getting diagnosed and we were being told Lukie had 3-6 months...
EILEEN is a very special lady who does alot for CB families.
Tuesday, August 3, 2004 3:07 PM CDT A year ago today we were attending the calling hours for Luke's funeral. What a difference a year makes. Now we have peace, hope and even joy over our lives. God has been faithful in answering all of the prayers that have been lifted up to him on our behalf. THANK YOU TO ALL WHO PRAYED!
This past weekend did mark the one year anniversary of Luke's homegoing, but it wasn't nearly as tear filled as I had thought. Monte and I spent Saturday working on the house. Believe it or not we DO enjoy that! Sunday we took the kids onto our local bike trail. Unfortunately it was a bit too much for Joscelyn who decided to walk her bike halfway home- uhg!!! It was only a mile and a half too, but what do ya' do?? Anyhow, she also was able to enjoy jumping through the sprinkler so that took her mind off her sore muscles (hee hee)
Monte and I decided *not* to visit Luke's gravesite purposefully Saturday. Joscelyn has had enough of us crying. I went today while she was in Safety Town, shedding a few tears of love for our boy. (Mr. Dane slept in the car)
Thank you for visiting Luke's site and again, we are grateful for your prayers. We send you peace and hugs and love, Monte Ivy Joscelyn Dane and St. Luke
GERRI'S CANCER BATTLE- Our friend from church who was dx in June with thymomic cancer
CAM THE HAM "The Boss" - Our newest friend who is just a living ball of sunshine!!! He is an adorable 4 year old boy battling his own "brain blob" as he calls it....
BENJAMIN J - Please pray for Ben and his family as he has relapsed... The cancer has become aggressive, not leaving much time.....His family would appreciate your love and prayers
This is a very solemn saint named GABRIELLE who also lost her battle with childhood cancer. Her mother Monica also follows Christ and is soooo faithful with her testimony
SAMUEL is a child living in heaven now. His mother also keeps up his journal and is inspiring.
HEIDI is the daughter of a friend of ours here in town. She just developed a rare lung disease and is now awaiting transplant. She has her own family to nurture as well...
This is BENJAMIN T's site, who is thankfully on his way to full victory in his cancer battle! I befriended his family down at Children's hospital as they were getting diagnosed and we were being told Lukie had 3-6 months...
EILEEN is a very special lady who does alot for CB families.
Thursday, July 29, 2004 7:38 PM CDT Dear Lukie,
Well baby, it has been almost a year to the date since you finally let go. I remember it like it was last night. It is still vividly painful too. Daddy and I never thought we could make it this far. We cling desperately to hope daily. The hope and promise that you ARE in the lap of Christ. We DO KNOW you are baby. And we know you are unbelievably happy, peace-filled and truly enjoying all the grace that God freely gives. Daddy and I have never wished you back here in this world but we still often pray and plead with our Lord to return and take ALL of us, His children, home. We are constantly amazed and humbled by how special God made each of you- yourself, Joscelyn and Dane. Luke, He gave you the ability to be able to captivate those who came across you. Not just because you were an adorable 2 yr old (although that helped!) You knew you had a special mission to do and you were so successful in doing it. Despite your awful brain tumor, torturous medical treatments and sacrifice of your precious toddlerhood, you still radiated JOY! Everyone who ever saw you never doubted your enthusiasm for life, people and FUN!! The sign Paul and Peggy gave you when you were born said "The love of life begins with the love of the Lord" and you truly exemplify that. Looking back, it is sadly ironic that they also gave you a baby book on the 23rd Psalm too (at your baptism). God certainly provided everything you would need didn't He? We are still discovering 'God orchestrated' connections that are a result of your life!
But Lukie, I would be soooo lying if I pretended like "all is well". It is not and NEVER will be here. People say we have changed... Well duh!!! You know, we have been subtly told that we should be getting over you by now. HA! Does an amputee ever 'get over' or 'forget' about the arm or leg they have lost?? No one would tell them to forget about it... No matter how much time passes until we meet again Daddy and I will never ever ever ever forget you Lukie. Nor will Joscelyn. And Dane- you would love your baby brother! He is like you in soooo many ways! You two would have a field day teasing your Sis!! We all still laugh when we think of the silly things you used to do or say. Like when you would be trying to tease one of us into believing you saw something special in the sky- you would say "Maa ma, Up high!" pointing as you said it. I would turn my head to look up and you would say "Dub dub!!" You never did learn to say 'tricked ya'!! Remember Miss Velma who taught you to talk soooo well? She still keeps up on us too. We saw her in the grocery a while back and said she still thinks of you too! Remember how you would race her back to the therapy room? You were sooo silly!! She sure did an outstanding job helping you to talk better with us. And we still see Dr. Olshefski too. You never were able to tell him you learned to say "Dr. Olshefski'"- I was so proud you were able to master such a big word!!
We still have all your birthday presents you played with for those few days last year. We did give some away to other boys in the hospital last Christmas- the ones you hadn't opened yet. We still cherish your Superman stuff and "green guy" doll. I still have your "power gloves" and name blanket that was your personalized cape too. They are in with your pajamas that you were wearing when you died. You know it brings tooo many tears to look at them now. But I am keeping it all because I need them to stay physically connected to you. Lukie, you left us so many priceless memories and so much pure love!!! It has been SOOOOOOOO HARD living each day without you. But we know we are going to be together again. We know it.
Baby there is so much I want to write, but so few words for it. The love song for you in my heart is stronger than ever. I don't believe you are sad up in heaven, and I don't regret one moment with you down here. I know you are in the AWESOME, loving glory of Jesus. I also know many of our friends have joined you since you arrived. Please let all of them know we love them too, and can't wait to see them! We keep praying to God daily for Him to shine His love and blessings on us. To pour mercy and hope all over our family. And He does, day by day.
Lukie, even though it has been one whole year, I know if I saw you it would seem like a blink of an eye. The way you would open your eyes and hop right out of bed in the mornings, pad on over to my side of the bed and pull yourself up next to me. You are such a snuggler!! I am smiling thinking of that now. Joscelyn still does that and I am sure when Dane is in his own big boy bed that he will do the same. You just showed Daddy and I love time and time again.
I would like to write more, but it is getting late. You know me and my sleep- can't ever get enough!!!!! You were like that too! Josc, she is still an early riser... Anyhow, Daddy and I are soooooooooo proud, humbled and grateful that God let you live with us for those 3 years and 23 days. Never ever would I have thought I could have loved a child so much and yet been sooo grateful to God for allowing him to return home- to heaven. That stupid brain blob lost!!! You are ALIVE and it is NOT!!! Bask in God's love for us honey and we will be there soon.
Covering you with hugs, tickles and lots of wet Mommy kisses!!! Daddy says "Your my boy!!!" Smiles.....Loving you forever and ever Lukie!!!!
Mommy and Daddy, Joscelyn and Dane
************************************************************
GERRI'S CANCER BATTLE- Our friend from church who was dx in June with thymomic cancer
CAM THE HAM "The Boss" - Our newest friend who is just a living ball of sunshine!!! He is an adorable 4 year old boy battling his own "brain blob" as he calls it....
BENJAMIN J - Please pray for Ben and his family as he has relapsed... The cancer has become aggressive, not leaving much time.....His family would appreciate your love and prayers
This is a very solemn saint named GABRIELLE who also lost her battle with childhood cancer. Her mother Monica also follows Christ and is soooo faithful with her testimony
SAMUEL is a child living in heaven now. His mother also keeps up his journal and is inspiring.
HEIDI is the daughter of a friend of ours here in town. She just developed a rare lung disease and is now awaiting transplant. She has her own family to nurture as well...
This is BENJAMIN T's site, who is thankfully on his way to full victory in his cancer battle! I befriended his family down at Children's hospital as they were getting diagnosed and we were being told Lukie had 3-6 months...
EILEEN is a very special lady who does alot for CB families.
Tuesday, July 27, 2004 9:09 AM CDT Hello CB family: Feeling pretty good the past few days. It has me wondering if this is the calm before the storm... We have been praying for peace and strength daily. God promises He will give that to each of us, but only for THAT day. So I try not to worry about tomorrow. After up and down, up and down, it is nice to feel like I am on an even keel for a change.
We did make it to the Columbus zoo Saturday, but not to Magic Mountain like we had hoped. Ran out of time (surprise surprise!) We had a good time at the zoo, but it was the most crowded we had ever seen it!! Not sure why either, as we didn't see any corporate groups there. Probably because the weather was great- *70's and sunny so the animals actually were responsive for a change!!
Sunday we did alot around the house outside. Monte had to ready the detached garage we are building for it's new garage door which came Monday. I shoveled 3 cubic yards of mulch around the front of the house too. OUCH to my back muscles!!! I should have lost 10 pounds by the exertion I did that day, but NOOOOOOO! sigh... but our efforts were well worth it as things are looking good from the front. The backyard is another story as we have to wait till the first of Sept. to get the yard 'put back in'. It is a muddy mess for now. (Ah, but no expensive pool to suck our money down!!)
Just came across a book called "The Anatomy of Hope" written by Dr. Jerome Groopman who is a M.D. > He was compelled to write about his observation about how people were affected by their differing levels of hope in the face of illness. I just began it yesterday and it is proving to be a good read. Look for it if you get the chance.
I have added the link to my friend Gerri Schoutko's new CB site. She is the lady I asked for prayer for last month. Gerri is a 36yr old mother to 5 and very devoted wife. She was dx with a malignant thymomic cancer that has penetrated her heart sac and lung. Please visit her and send prayers up for the family. She and her husband Walt go to church with us at Berean. He is a OB/GYN here in town as well, so he knows very well the battle they have before them.
Also, please drop in on St. Samuel's site.. His mom Kelly is going through a real hard time in her grieving right now. Let her know how much we care. Thank you for doing these things. All our love and cyber hugs to you... Your support, prayers and encouragement have been such an honor to recieve these past 2 years. Monte Ivy Joscelyn Dane and St. Luke, always.
GERRI'S CANCER BATTLE- Our friend from church who was dx in June with thymomic cancer
CAM THE HAM "The Boss" - Our newest friend who is just a living ball of sunshine!!! He is an adorable 4 year old boy battling his own "brain blob" as he calls it....
BENJAMIN J - Please pray for Ben and his family as he has relapsed... The cancer has become aggressive, not leaving much time.....His family would appreciate your love and prayers
This is a very solemn saint named GABRIELLE who also lost her battle with childhood cancer. Her mother Monica also follows Christ and is soooo faithful with her testimony
SAMUEL is a child living in heaven now. His mother also keeps up his journal and is inspiring.
HEIDI is the daughter of a friend of ours here in town. She just developed a rare lung disease and is now awaiting transplant. She has her own family to nurture as well...
This is BENJAMIN T's site, who is thankfully on his way to full victory in his cancer battle! I befriended his family down at Children's hospital as they were getting diagnosed and we were being told Lukie had 3-6 months...
EILEEN is a very special lady who does alot for CB families.
Thursday, July 22, 2004 12:56 AM CDT Things are getting better each day again. Boy, do I feel like I am on a roller coaster lately! I "bottomed out" Sunday evening after everyone was in bed. Thoughts of Luke ran rampant through my mind, and anger set in. Anger that I couldn't celebrate my son's life with him here , that Joscelyn will always have only the memory of a brother Luke, and not the boy himself. Anger that everything in our lives has been so radically changed, and none of it at our will. Anger that no matter what I do, think or say, Luke will always be DEAD. So so much anger- that is how my depression affects me. The helplessness, aggravation and pure fury at the hands of the cancer monster is unbelievable!! I cried and cried like I hadn't in months. Of course it awoke poor Monte but at least he was able to just hold me until the storm rode out. There is truly nothing anyone can say during those times... each of us know that intimately.
I was able to accomplish something good during my weak week- I organized and carried out a blood drive yesterday in memory of Luke. It was the first one our church had held (surprisingly) and was a smashing success! I was able to announce it at all 3 services last Sunday and had an abundant outpouring of support. The Red Cross had put down their own estimated goal of 40 max. for a first time donor location, but we ended up with 53 units with 7 more deferrals! Very awesome on behalf of the church!!! Needless to say, I am now very physically tired, matching my emotional state for a change. But life doesn't stop, so I continue on.
Monte wants to take us to the Columbus Zoo, weather permitting this weekend. Also stop at the Magic Mountain to do race cars (mini). Hoping that will be a fun release. Joscelyn and Dane are doing well. She is already getting excited about school starting in 5 weeks so we went out and got her kindergarten supplies (whoo hoo!) I wonder why a kindergartener needs folders??? Mr. Dane is crawling like a champ and loves babbling. He is able to overtake Joscelyn's barbie "world" now and she isn't having it one bit! She shares Ken with him to "play" but he just either bites at Ken's head or uses him as a drumstick- hee hee hee. What do ya' do??
Hope you are all doing well and enjoying the weather now that it seems summer is here. Oh, we went canoeing last Sunday too. Poor Joscelyn took awhile to relax- probably because Daddy told her there were whales and sharks in the water! Fortunately the water is only 3' deep at the most so after about a half an hour, she trusted Mommy enough to let go of the powergrip she had on my hand!! Ouch. Daddy did admit to his lie too! sigh... see what I have to deal with?!
Love to you all from the Ervin gang!xoxoxo
CAM THE HAM "The Boss" - Our newest friend who is just a living ball of sunshine!!! He is an adorable 4 year old boy battling his own "brain blob" as he calls it....
BENJAMIN J - Please pray for Ben and his family as he has relapsed... The cancer has become aggressive, not leaving much time.....His family would appreciate your love and prayers
This is a very solemn saint named GABRIELLE who also lost her battle with childhood cancer. Her mother Monica also follows Christ and is soooo faithful with her testimony
SAMUEL is a child living in heaven now. His mother also keeps up his journal and is inspiring.
HEIDI is the daughter of a friend of ours here in town. She just developed a rare lung disease and is now awaiting transplant. She has her own family to nurture as well...
This is BENJAMIN T's site, who is thankfully on his way to full victory in his cancer battle! I befriended his family down at Children's hospital as they were getting diagnosed and we were being told Lukie had 3-6 months...
EILEEN is a very special lady who does alot for CB families.
Friday, July 16, 2004 11:02 AM CDT Not much to say, my heart is breaking again out of the grief over Luke's absence. Been reviewing the images from this time last year and it reminded me of just how precious little we were able to share with him on the earth. Oh how my heart and soul longs to be with him in the prescence of the Lord!! But not my will oh Lord, but yours.
And so we wait... and try to do the Lord's will, basking in his grace and mercy.
Love and peace to all of you reading this... Monte Ivy Joscelyn Dane and St. Luke
We are sponsering a BLOOD DRIVE in Luke's memory, Wednesday July 21st at Berean Baptist here in Mansfield. Please call Ivy for an appointment. Hours are 12-6 for the drive. This is a great way (and the need is even greater) to show your love of Luke.
CAM THE HAM "The Boss" - Our newest friend who is just a living ball of sunshine!!! He is an adorable 4 year old boy battling his own "brain blob" as he calls it....
BENJAMIN J - Please pray for Ben and his family as he has relapsed... The cancer has become aggressive, not leaving much time.....His family would appreciate your love and prayers
This is a very solemn saint named GABRIELLE who also lost her battle with childhood cancer. Her mother Monica also follows Christ and is soooo faithful with her testimony
SAMUEL is a child living in heaven now. His mother also keeps up his journal and is inspiring.
HEIDI is the daughter of a friend of ours here in town. She just developed a rare lung disease and is now awaiting transplant. She has her own family to nurture as well...
This is BENJAMIN T's site, who is thankfully on his way to full victory in his cancer battle! I befriended his family down at Children's hospital as they were getting diagnosed and we were being told Lukie had 3-6 months...
EILEEN is a very special lady who does alot for CB families.
Monday, July 12, 2004 5:12 PM CDT Been a few days since my last post. We got through Luke's "4th" birthday last Thursday. It wasn't as bad as I thought it might be. More the days leading up to it that had me sad. Thursday we spent as a family doing "stuff". We ate a dinner out and in the evening released balloons up to Lukie from the cemetary. Joscelyn picked Batman, Daddy got Bob the Builder and I chose Elmo- they were all favs. of his. I couldn't watch mine fade into the distance (too significant) but Monte and Joscelyn watched theirs intently till they couldn't see them anymore. Dane just sat by Luke as we sang "Happy Birthday". Or rather., where Luke should've been. Anyhow, one more "first" down; another challenge conquered with God's grace. We still plan on 'celebrating' his 1 yr in heaven anniversary.
Kind of a funny from Joscelyn too> When we went to purchase the mylar balloons at the party store, she asked why we were doing that? I told her "It's for Luke's birthday, to send up to him" She thought about it a moment, then said "Well, can I have his presents since he isn't here?" ***Uh, no...*** Then I had to explain to her that even though it is his birthday and we were bringing balloons for him, it is normal ^not^ to expect presents for someone who is dead. Sigh... I think I might have confused her a bit with the balloons but no gift celebration!
We had our pool "turned in" on itself yesterday. Monte's friend (in the business) has a big tract loader and was able to flip all the concrete into the pool. Then he had to get in the pool with the big machine so he could cave the walls in, which were galvanized steel with supports. It was amazing to see that big machine lift stuff around like it was paper. I will probably post a picture just because, how often does one see a pool filled in??
Signing out for now. THANK YOU to everyone for keeping us in your thoughts and prayers this month. It is a toughie. We are just staying close to God and lying low. Love, Monte, Ivy Joscelyn Dane and St. Luke
CAM THE HAM "The Boss" - Our newest friend who is just a living ball of sunshine!!! He is an adorable 4 year old boy battling his own "brain blob" as he calls it....
BENJAMIN J - Please pray for Ben and his family as he has relapsed... The cancer has become aggressive, not leaving much time.....His family would appreciate your love and prayers
This is a very solemn saint named GABRIELLE who also lost her battle with childhood cancer. Her mother Monica also follows Christ and is soooo faithful with her testimony
SAMUEL is a child living in heaven now. His mother also keeps up his journal and is inspiring.
HEIDI is the daughter of a friend of ours here in town. She just developed a rare lung disease and is now awaiting transplant. She has her own family to nurture as well...
This is BENJAMIN T's site, who is thankfully on his way to full victory in his cancer battle! I befriended his family down at Children's hospital as they were getting diagnosed and we were being told Lukie had 3-6 months...
EILEEN is a very special lady who does alot for CB families.
We are sponsering a BLOOD DRIVE in Luke's memory, Wednesday July 21st at Berean Baptist here in Mansfield. Please call Ivy for an appointment. Hours are 12-6 for the drive. This is a great way (and the need is even greater) to show your love of Luke.
Monday, July 12, 2004 5:12 PM CDT Been a few days since my last post. We got through Luke's "4th" birthday last Thursday. It wasn't as bad as I thought it might be. More the days leading up to it that had me sad. Thursday we spent as a family doing "stuff". We ate a dinner out and in the evening released balloons up to Lukie from the cemetary. Joscelyn picked Batman, Daddy got Bob the Builder and I chose Elmo- they were all favs. of his. I couldn't watch mine fade into the distance (too significant) but Monte and Joscelyn watched theirs intently till they couldn't see them anymore. Dane just sat by Luke as we sang "Happy Birthday". Or rather., where Luke should've been. Anyhow, one more "first" down; another challenge conquered with God's grace. We still plan on 'celebrating' his 1 yr in heaven anniversary.
Kind of a funny from Joscelyn too> When we went to purchase the mylar balloons at the party store, she asked why we were doing that? I told her "It's for Luke's birthday, to send up to him" She thought about it a moment, then said "Well, can I have his presents since he isn't here?" ***Uh, no...*** Then I had to explain to her that even though it is his birthday and we were bringing balloons for him, it is normal ^not^ to expect presents for someone who is dead. Sigh... I think I might have confused her a bit with the balloons but no gift celebration!
We had our pool "turned in" on itself yesterday. Monte's friend (in the business) has a big tract loader and was able to flip all the concrete into the pool. Then he had to get in the pool with the big machine so he could cave the walls in, which were galvanized steel with supports. It was amazing to see that big machine lift stuff around like it was paper. I will probably post a picture just because, how often does one see a pool filled in??
Signing out for now. THANK YOU to everyone for keeping us in your thoughts and prayers this month. It is a toughie. We are just staying close to God and lying low. Love, Monte, Ivy Joscelyn Dane and St. Luke
Monday, July 5, 2004 9:02 AM CDT Once again, a series of sad days. Joscelyn and I decorated Luke's grave for the Fourth of July- one of his favorite holidays. She took the pictures of his gravesite as I was too busy crying over my loss... Afterwards we walked around the festival Ontario put on for the 4th. Ate fair fries (a good pick-me-up) as Joscelyn did the bouncy slide and pit. Visited with some people too which always helps me take my mind off my sadness. Dane hung out peacefully in his stroller, happy to just "be". Monte wasn't feeling well and still isn't - between the workload, heat and grief he let himself get too run down. So other than going to church together Sunday, I have kind of felt like a single mom! I am not mad at him as I know grief affects us all so differently. I try to just be here for him if he does need me.
I found a verse in Psalm 126 v5-6 that really hit home for me. I found it 2 weeks ago and have been meditating on it since. Here it is: "Those who plant in tears will harvest with shouts of joy. They weep as they go to plant their seed (children) but they sing as they return with the harvest." I *know* God is telling me to persevere, because I really don't want to. But I will, out of duty to the Lord and because He PROMISES I will shout with joy at the harvest.
After all, look what Christ endured, persevered through for ME!...
CAM THE HAM "The Boss" - Our newest friend who is just a living ball of sunshine!!! He is an adorable 4 year old boy battling his own "brain blob" as he calls it....
BENJAMIN J - Please pray for Ben and his family as he has relapsed... The cancer has become aggressive, not leaving much time.....His family would appreciate your love and prayers
This is a very solemn saint named GABRIELLE who also lost her battle with childhood cancer. Her mother Monica also follows Christ and is soooo faithful with her testimony
SAMUEL is a child living in heaven now. His mother also keeps up his journal and is inspiring.
HEIDI is the daughter of a friend of ours here in town. She just developed a rare lung disease and is now awaiting transplant. She has her own family to nurture as well...
This is BENJAMIN T's site, who is thankfully on his way to full victory in his cancer battle! I befriended his family down at Children's hospital as they were getting diagnosed and we were being told Lukie had 3-6 months...
EILEEN is a very special lady who does alot for CB families.
The next L.U.K.E. workday will be Saturday, July 10th from 8-12 at Luke's Place on Springmill St. Please call Ivy and say you'll come!!!
Thursday, July 1, 2004 5:04 PM CDT HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOELLE!!!
Today was our first day of a 2 day garage sale at our house and we did GOOD! Sold at least half of the stuff but we still have lots more to go. It was very very hot outside but the kids did well despite the sticky weather. Joscelyn had big plans of selling lemonade to raise money for her hamster but she wimped out early in the first hour!! We told her if she wants a hamster that is fine but she has to raise ALL the money. Obviously it wasn't worth it to her either- today at least!! We will see how she is tomorrow.
Well it is here> July, Luke's birth month as well as his death month. So far so good for Monte and I. Yeah, I know, it is only the first day..... We have a blood drive set up in his memory at our church Wed the 21st. Other than that we are going to just roll with the punches.
I made a new 'friend' here at CB that you all ought to go see. His name is Cam the Ham and he goes by "the Boss". He is an adorable 4 yr old with the BEST attitude!!!! Please check out his site- I added it to the group below. Tell him I sent you!!!
I also wanted to include some very very inspirational words by my friend Monica Paquette whom many of you know as St.Gabrielle's mom. She has written so eloquently and pointedly about her faith and grief journey. These particular quotes really touched my heart with their directness and truth. I hope you enjoy them as well. They are in no particular order>>>>
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Sometimes it's as if the world expects us to apologize for being so deeply impacted by the death of our child.
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If you were to die, the BEST gift you could ever leave is not a will…but an assurance to those whom loved you that Jesus Christ is your Savior.
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"'God has provided enough evidence in this life to convince anyone willing to believe, yet He has also left some ambiguity so as not to compel the unwilling.' We pray for elderly non-Christians that God will give them more time, even though they already have had plenty, because we do not wish them to perish. We can say the same about societies in travail, like our own." ~ Marvin Olasky, quoting Norm Geisler and Frank Turek, I Don’t Have Enough Faith to be an Atheist, printed in World Magazine, June 26, 2004
My two-year old daughter died…and secular liberalism marches on.
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I have a really good and faithful friend who is suffering from spiritual warfare in the aftermath of her child's death. I would bet that many do not understand that we are not just faced with overwhelming sadness when our child dies. We have so much more than sadness. The death of a child, for me, has exposed many cracks for the adversary to attack.
I once made a huge theological mistake because I had pronounced that if we did lose Gabbie, Satan would never be able to touch us again as we would have survived a fiery fire. But, now I know better and, really, Gabbie's death was only the beginning of attack.
I believe that Satan seldom attacks a man in place of strength, but he generally looks for the weak point, the besetting sin. 'There,' says he, 'there I will strike the blow.' God help us in the hour of battle and the time of conflict! Indeed, unless the Lord should help us, this crafty foe might easily find enough joints in our armor and soon send the deadly arrow into our soul, so that we should fall down wounded before him." ~ Charles H. Spurgeon, Spiritual Warfare in a Believer's Life
I knew I would be very sad if Gabbie died. But I never knew there would be so many temptations to battle.
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PRAYERS FOR….
America. Today, United States District Judge Phyllis Hamilton ruled in San Francisco that the law forbidding the killing of the child just before it leaves the birth canal is unconstitutional.
So apparently it is a constitutional right to dismember and kill innocent children.
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CAM THE HAM "The Boss" - Our newest friend who is just a living ball of sunshine!!! He is an adorable 4 year old boy battling his own "brain blob" as he calls it....
BENJAMIN J - Please pray for Ben and his family as he has relapsed... The cancer has become aggressive, not leaving much time.....His family would appreciate your love and prayers
This is a very solemn saint named GABRIELLE who also lost her battle with childhood cancer. Her mother Monica also follows Christ and is soooo faithful with her testimony
SAMUEL is a child living in heaven now. His mother also keeps up his journal and is inspiring.
HEIDI is the daughter of a friend of ours here in town. She just developed a rare lung disease and is now awaiting transplant. She has her own family to nurture as well...
This is BENJAMIN T's site, who is thankfully on his way to full victory in his cancer battle! I befriended his family down at Children's hospital as they were getting diagnosed and we were being told Lukie had 3-6 months...
EILEEN is a very special lady who does alot for CB families.
Friday, June 25, 2004 7:34 PM CDT
Sad news to report tonight> Joe and Allison are not bringing that precious baby girl home afterall. The birth mother decided not to sign away her daughter, leaving Joe and Allison to come home empty-handed and broken hearted. The birth mother did not reveal her feelings until just 3 hours before she was due to sign. It is very heart wrenching, and I do not know what to do other than pray. I am not surprised this happened, as I know first hand how very powerful those 'mothering instincts' are when you carry, then go through labor to finally deliver a new life into the world. And this girl is so young that how could she possibly know in advance that she would be comfortable signing away her baby?? I guess one side or the other would be feeling like this tonight... I just pray for God to send Joe and Allison mercy, renewed hope and peace. And I also pray for strength, support and love to surround the new mom and her child. It is a intricate situation...
Monte and I are doing well still... We are busy this weekend as Joscelyn has 2 birthday parties to attend Saturday! Fortunately they are on adjoining streets so I won't have to run all over creation! Monte is working to finish up a home and I will be trying to liquidate our pool supplies. I advertised them on the radio today and have several interested parties so hopefully we will be able to recoup some cost from our "money pit"!
Thank you for stopping by Lukie's page... I am grateful for all of your support and prayers. Love Monte Ivy Joscelyn Dane and St. Luke!
The next L.U.K.E. workday will be Saturday, July 10th from 8-12 at Luke's Place on Springmill St. Please call Ivy and say you'll come!!!
EILEEN is a very special lady who does alot for CB families.
SAMUEL is a child living in heaven now. His mother also keeps up his journal and is inspiring.
This is a very solemn saint named GABRIELLE who also lost her battle with childhood cancer. Her mother Monica also follows Christ and is soooo faithful with her testimony
This is BENJAMIN T's site, who is thankfully on his way to full victory in his cancer battle! I befriended his family down at Children's hospital as they were getting diagnosed and we were being told Lukie had 3-6 months...
BENJAMIN J - Please pray for Ben and his family as he has relapsed... The cancer has become aggressive, not leaving much time.....His family would appreciate your love and prayers
HEIDI is the daughter of a friend of ours here in town. She just developed a rare lung disease and is now awaiting transplant. She has her own family to nurture as well...
Thursday, June 24, 2004 12:00 AM CDT Things are looking up today. First off, my brother Joe and wife Allison get to bring home their new baby daughter SARAH KAY!!! Actually she comes home tomorrow evening. She was born Tues at 6:30pm weighing 7-7# and measuring 20.75" long! We are all sooooooooo excited to meet her and thankful God has blessed her birth and little baby body!
I did get to meet with one of our pastors Tues. as well. He reiterated all that you (my CB family) have been saying: Keep the faith, don't let others judge your grief, keep on "keeping on". I didn't expect any 'miraculous words' but it helped to have someone who I can say things to and I *know* will be honest back, yet with constructive criticsm if need be. I realize there isn't any easy way out or around this grief. I am just amazed by how intense it can be and how totally uncontrollable those feelings are when they do come. I do believe in the overall scheme of things that I AM better a wee tad each day. I just let the blue days overshadow the sunny ones.
Well, we made another major decision Tuesday. We are FILLING IN THE POOL! We bought the house knowing it had the pool, but the pool itself did not have any bearing on the sale for us. After dumping over $500 into it in the form of chemicals and electric to run the pump during the past 5 weeks, we said "WHOA!" So we began the dismantling procedure immediately. The vinyl liner is pulled out, which there was water underneath it (a BIG pool no no) and we have emptied the cabana of its floaties and chemicals. Wondering how we will get rid of the slide and 6' diving board but I am hoping someone decides to buy them at our garage sale. We are having that next weekend- July 1-3. It is amazing how much stuff we always manage to find to sell! For me, a garage sale is more about letting other people pay you to haul away your unwanted items. Monte likes the money making aspect of it. IF it were up to me, everything would be marked for under $1- but Monte would flip if I did that! Anyhow, we plan on relandscaping the back yard and still keeping the privacy fence, just moving it back along that property line.
Hey, does anyone out there know how to change a music file so I can play it in the background here? I have one that is .wma and I can't upload it here- or at least not the way I have tried. Please send me your ideas.
Once again, THANK YOU for all your love, caring and support! That helps me more than you might know. Love and Hugs, Monte Ivy Joscelyn Dane and St. Luke
The next L.U.K.E. workday will be Saturday, July 10th from 8-12 at Luke's Place on Springmill St. Please call Ivy and say you'll come!!!
EILEEN is a very special lady who does alot for CB families.
SAMUEL is a child living in heaven now. His mother also keeps up his journal and is inspiring.
This is a very solemn saint named GABRIELLE who also lost her battle with childhood cancer. Her mother Monica also follows Christ and is soooo faithful with her testimony
This is BENJAMIN T's site, who is thankfully on his way to full victory in his cancer battle! I befriended his family down at Children's hospital as they were getting diagnosed and we were being told Lukie had 3-6 months...
BENJAMIN J - Please pray for Ben and his family as he has relapsed... The cancer has become aggressive, not leaving much time.....His family would appreciate your love and prayers
HEIDI is the daughter of a friend of ours here in town. She just developed a rare lung disease and is now awaiting transplant. She has her own family to nurture as well...
Monday, June 21, 2004 8:28 PM CDT
PLEASE DON'T TELL ME YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL,
UNLESS YOU HAVE LOST YOUR CHILD TOO.
PLEASE DON'T TELL ME MY BROKEN HEART WILL HEAL,
BECAUSE THAT IS JUST NOT TRUE.
PLEASE DON'T TELL ME MY SON IS IN A BETTER PLACE,
THOUGH IT IS TRUE, I WANT HIM HERE WITH ME.
DON'T TELL ME SOMEDAY I'LL HEAR HIS VOICE, SEE HIS FACE,
BEYOND TODAY I CANNOT SEE.
DON'T TELL ME IT IS TIME TO MOVE ON,
BECAUSE I CANNOT.
DON'T TELL ME TO FACE THE FACT HE IS GONE,
BECAUSE DENIAL IS SOMETHING I CAN'T STOP.
DON'T TELL ME TO BE THANKFUL FOR THE TIME I HAD,
BECAUSE I WANTED MORE.
DON'T TELL ME WHEN I AM MY OLD SELF YOU WILL BE GLAD,
I'LL NEVER BE AS I WAS BEFORE.
WHAT YOU CAN TELL ME IS YOU WILL BE HERE FOR ME,
THAT YOU WILL LISTEN WHEN I TALK OF MY CHILD.
YOU CAN SHARE WITH ME MY PRECIOUS MEMORIES,
YOU CAN EVEN CRY WITH ME FOR A WHILE.
AND PLEASE DON'T HESITATE TO SAY HIS NAME,
BECAUSE IT IS SOMETHING I LONG TO HEAR EVERYDAY.
FRIEND PLEASE REALIZE THAT I CAN NEVER BE THE SAME,
BUT IF YOU STAND BY ME, YOU MAY LIKE THE NEW PERSON I BECOME SOMEDAY.
I am getting better one day, then fall behind the next 2 or more. I just CAN NOT believe how painful this still is!!!! I am honestly very weary mentally. It is hard to keep smiling, even when Dane and Joscelyn are being delightfully silly. (which happens alot!) I do smile, but I am also thinking about the pain Luke was going through those last few days. He didn't eat anything the last 12 days he was alive. NOTHING! Not juice, candy, milk- anything!! Plus all the muscle pain/contractions he experienced as that damn tumor kept shoving it's way over his defenseless brain stem.... slowly bending it like a sapling until it finally broke, setting Luke's spirit free. I pray and pray that God would take that memory from me, let me keep remembering the funny and happy things Luke did do. But for some reason, I keep meditating on those last few days. Especially the last 72 hours were the worst...
I am talking with one of our pastors tomorrow about my grief. Our grief counselor just moved this past weekend, to another state. We had a "good bye lunch" as he has truly become a great friend and went out of his way professionally to help us through everything. I just am having a very very hard time dealing with it all. Monte can't talk about it much anymore as it drags him down too much. He tries to "get over it" by putting it in the past as he cannot do anything more about it. I am glad he is able to do that. I just am afraid if I do that, Luke will be forgotten- by myself especially.
Some good news in> My mom is getting released from the hospital where she has been undergoing therapy for her broken hip!!! She is coming home on Thursday so we are all excited and relieved.
The other AWESOME news is my brother Joe and wife Allison are about to become parents!!! They have been diagnosed with "unexplained infertility" so have prayerfully decided to adopt. The birthmother who chose them to adopt her baby is getting induced tomorrow! **** YIPEE ***** Joe and Allison do not know the sex of the baby as the birthmother chose not to know (she is only 15). The birthmother has to wait 3 days after the delivery before she is legally allowed to sign over the baby so please keep all of them in prayer. This is a HUGE, life altering situation for ALL involved. Pray that God blesses the process and gives comfort and grace to all. I will post later as to the outcome.
Thank you all for your prayers and faithfulness. I am sorry to write such sad thoughts lately, but my heart is just broke.... thanks for all the father's day postings for Monte- it cheered him to see so many supporting him...
Love, Monte Ivy Joscelyn Dane and St. Luke
EILEEN is a very special lady who does alot for CB families.
SAMUEL is a child living in heaven now. His mother also keeps up his journal and is inspiring.
This is a very solemn saint named GABRIELLE who also lost her battle with childhood cancer. Her mother Monica also follows Christ and is soooo faithful with her testimony
This is BENJAMIN T's site, who is thankfully on his way to full victory in his cancer battle! I befriended his family down at Children's hospital as they were getting diagnosed and we were being told Lukie had 3-6 months...
BENJAMIN J - Please pray for Ben and his family as he has relapsed... The cancer has become aggressive, not leaving much time.....His family would appreciate your love and prayers
HEIDI is the daughter of a friend of ours here in town. She just developed a rare lung disease and is now awaiting transplant. She has her own family to nurture as well...
Sunday, June 13, 2004 8:47 PM CDT
** When mountains fall, I'll stand by the power of your hand. And in your heart of hearts I dwell- And that my soul knows very well** Lyrics from Hillsong Music Australia featuring Darlene Zschech >
I am getting anxious about the summer that is suddenly upon us. I keep trying to stay in the present but my mind keeps tricking me into thinking about last year.... What were we doing today last year? How could my son be so 'well' then quickly be lying in my arms, struggling to live and yet struggling to die??? Luke WAS happy, playful, silly, ornery,- all those things that a 2 (almost 3) year old is supposed to be. He was soooo into superheroes- batman, bibleman, and his favorite Superman!!! He would insist on wearing a cape which was actually his name blanket. It is one of those knit blankets and designed to keep you warm. He loved it because it had his name "Luke Gabriel" and his birthdate on it, so he felt VERY important when it was on! Even when the temps got into the 80's he HAD to have that cape on! SOoo silly that way.
Summer has now become a very very bittersweet season. I was sitting in church today near the front as the service began. Once more my mind went to remembering that Luke's casket had sat just several feet in front of me. I glanced down at our sr. pastor who was sitting while our worship pastor began... I wondered if he often thought of those who had been memorialized right there. If he remembered doing Lukie's service ( I KNOW he did) but more to the point, did he and others remember Luke for who Luke was??... Or since a year is coming up, do they expect us to "be over it"??? Sure they'll say, we'll never be over it, but secretly are they expecting us to 'come out of mourning'? I wear Lukie's picture on my shirts every day - how long shall I wear that I have asked myself? Today I answered and said For the rest of my life! Then I thought of being an old lady and someone commenting on how cute my 'grandchild' is, then their shock when I say= Oh, that is my son Lukie. He died when he was 3.... Boy that would be sadly funny.
I get to thinking about those things, as I did in church today. Then I started to really tear up as I thought "how normal today is, yet MY SON IS DEAD!!" And I realize I am just as alone, helpless and broken as the day on Feb 28th 2002 when I was told "your son has a mass in his brain"... I can almost feel the floor falling out all over again...
Sorry to go on about this, but this journal is my outlet, my way of sorting things out to some degree. I just DO NOT KNOW what to think of this place that I find myself. I KNOW Luke is in heaven with our Father, yet I am still just sooooo lonely for him, I still SO want to be his mommy...Actively be his Mommy. He used to call me Momma. Or "MA!" when he was mad ;-)
Update quickly on my mother: She is IMPROVING! PRAISE GOD!! OFf the oxygen and hasn't had any arrhythmia's since Thurs. The physical therapists have had her walking (with a walker and their guidance) so things are finally getting on track. She will still be inpatient at least a couple more weeks as they strengthen her and help her learn to navigate again. THANK YOU for all your prayers!!! It means alot to all of us, and we BELIEVE in the power of prayer!
Love to all, Peace and hugs too- Monte Ivy Joscelyn Dane and ST. Luke
EILEEN is a very special lady who does alot for CB families.
SAMUEL is a child living in heaven now. His mother also keeps up his journal and is inspiring.
This is a very solemn saint named GABRIELLE who also lost her battle with childhood cancer. Her mother Monica also follows Christ and is soooo faithful with her testimony
This is BENJAMIN T's site, who is thankfully on his way to full victory in his cancer battle! I befriended his family down at Children's hospital as they were getting diagnosed and we were being told Lukie had 3-6 months...
BENJAMIN J - Please pray for Ben and his family as he has relapsed... The cancer has become aggressive, not leaving much time.....His family would appreciate your love and prayers
HEIDI is the daughter of a friend of ours here in town. She just developed a rare lung disease and is now awaiting transplant. She has her own family to nurture as well...
Thursday, June 10, 2004 9:08 AM CDT
** When mountains fall, I'll stand by the power of your hand. And in your heart of hearts I dwell- And that my soul knows very well** Lyrics from Hillsong Music Australia featuring Darlene Zschech
I have been living each day, enjoying the wonderful weather, praising God for our lives, marveling at Joscelyn and Dane's accomplishments and Monte's drive/motivation. And HUGELY grateful for God's blessings on our lives. Yet all that still does nothing to erase the anxiety and sadness of Luke's death. His birthday (July 8th) is less than a month away, which I was reminded by via a "Birthday celebrations" catalog I recieved in the mail. Instead of planning his birthday as I am normally doing I am trying to decide how to honor it. Thought of doing the balloon release at the gravesite... but in actuality I want to honor his death date more even than his birthday. That is because while it is his earthly death day, it is his BIRTHDAY into heaven- by far more joyful!!!!!!! Plus that will shift my focus from a sad day to a happy day. I told Monte about this and he thinks it is a good idea too. So somehow we will recognize his earthly birthday, but put more emphasis on July 31st- his heavenly birthday.
My mother is still in the hospital and will be for quite some time. She is still experiencing alot of pain from her leg/hip. She has also been having heart arrhythmia which they can not figure out, is very anemic needing 3 blood transfusions and just can not tolerate phys. therapy at this point. So they will be moving her to a special ward for long term care, fortunately not out into a nursing home. She is really worn down emotionally, because this is the first situation where she has not been able to bounce right back. Despite all her previous problems, she has NEVER been one to ask for sympathy or special attention, having a "tough as nails" exterior. I saw how broken she is becoming just yesterday as she wept and admitted her weakness in front of me. I held her and told her we'd be there for her irregardless. She is concerned about being a burden to us, yet how could she be?? If it were not for her selfless-ness during Luke's illness, our family would not have had many of the special moments TOGETHER and certainly not many of the conveniences her prescense provided. God IS GOOD and HE WILL PROVIDE the energy, time and resources needed for each of us to get through this.
That's all I have time for this morning, oops- except one more thing! PLEASE PRAY FOR Gerri- she is a wife, mother of 5 (ages 14-5yrs) and devoted Christian woman who just discovered a "mass" on her lung and fluid already building up. She and her husband, who is an OB/GYN here in town, are going this morning to find out what it could be and how to treat it. PLEASE lift her up in prayer and also the whole family as they discover what is lying ahead.
We love you all! Monte Ivy Joscelyn Dane and ST. Luke :-)
EILEEN is a very special lady who does alot for CB families.
SAMUEL is a child living in heaven now. His mother also keeps up his journal and is inspiring.
This is a very solemn saint named GABRIELLE who also lost her battle with childhood cancer. Her mother Monica also follows Christ and is soooo faithful with her testimony
This is BENJAMIN T's site, who is thankfully on his way to full victory in his cancer battle! I befriended his family down at Children's hospital as they were getting diagnosed and we were being told Lukie had 3-6 months...
BENJAMIN J - Please pray for Ben and his family as he has relapsed... The cancer has become aggressive, not leaving much time.....His family would appreciate your love and prayers
HEIDI is the daughter of a friend of ours here in town. She just developed a rare lung disease and is now awaiting transplant. She has her own family to nurture as well...
Thursday, June 3, 2004 12:47 AM CDT My Mom is getting better, ever so slowly. Her right femur was broken up near her hip joint, apparently splintered into 4 pieces. Her doctor attached a rod the length of the leg bone and put a pin in to hold it there. Sounds icky to me! She has already been made to take steps (surgery was Monday) but it is VERY painful for her. The hospital will soon transfer her to another floor for physical therapy until she can be mobile enough to go home. I expect her to be inpatient for at least another week. THANK YOU ALL for your prayers on behalf of my mom. Her attitude was MUCH better today and I know it is because of your praying!!
I was at lunch with Joscelyn and Dane today when in walked a little boy about the size of Luke. His hair was buzzed down very short and he had bright blue eyes. That alone wouldn't have done much emotionally to me- until I saw he had on one of the same exact Superman shirts Luke used to love to wear. He was following his mommy through the line as she ordered, curiously looking around his surroundings. Our eyes locked briefly for a moment, and for that millisecond I saw Luke. My eyes welled up with longing, sadness and I quickly turned away. Joscelyn saw him too and she said "Look Mommy, the little boy..." She felt the same thing too as she looked back at me and saw my tears. "just like Lukie" she said... One of 'those moments' again...Unexpected, unsolicited, and yet it rips open your heart-scar fresh again. Part of me wanted to run over and hug the child, another wanted to run out the door into the privacy of our car. I stayed, let Joscelyn finish her sandwich, thankful that the boy had sat out of my line of sight. Focus on the Lord and my breathing.,..
Hey, I keep forgetting to give BIG CONGRATULATIONS to our church's Senior Pastor David Pound> He was voted "Pastor of the Year" in a tie with another pastor at the General Baptist Conference a couple of weeks ago!!!! That is quite an accomplishment as the GBC is a large organzation. If you have had the opportunity to hear Pastor Dave, you have heard a very great message. But really, it is his OVERALL gift at pastoring which got him where he is. Pastor Dave is a gentle, discerning and insightful man who truly truly has a genuine love of the Lord. We are soooo blessed to be able to grow in our faith under his direction and teachings. So God is now acknowledging Dave's gifts publically, which Pastor Dave humbly admitted to when another of our pastors brought it up on Sunday.
Anyhow, it is Miss Ohio Weekend around town, which means PARADE! My cousin is putting an entry in the parade on behalf of his business Hahn Ext. (formerly owned by my dad and his father-in-law) His daughters, their friends, along with Joscelyn will be wearing "bee" costumes and march in the parade as some adults try to 'catch' them in the business's bee suits. (exterminating business) Should really be a hoot!! I will post pics when I get them.
Love to all of you and again, THANK YOU for the prayers!!! Love and Hugs, Monte Ivy Joscelyn Dane and St. Luke
EILEEN is a very special lady who does alot for CB families.
SAMUEL is a child living in heaven now. His mother also keeps up his journal and is inspiring.
This is a very solemn saint named GABRIELLE who also lost her battle with childhood cancer. Her mother Monica also follows Christ and is soooo faithful with her testimony
This is BENJAMIN T's site, who is thankfully on his way to full victory in his cancer battle! I befriended his family down at Children's hospital as they were getting diagnosed and we were being told Lukie had 3-6 months...
BENJAMIN J - Please pray for Ben and his family as he has relapsed... The cancer has become aggressive, not leaving much time.....His family would appreciate your love and prayers
HEIDI is the daughter of a friend of ours here in town. She just developed a rare lung disease and is now awaiting transplant. She has her own family to nurture as well...
Sunday, May 30, 2004 5:47 PM CDT So much for a quiet weekend~ Monte's grandpa died early Friday morning from "old age". Basically his organs just were worn out after 89 years. Monte is taking it ok, as this was something that was expected for awhile. We have just been in prayer that his grandpa finally accepted Christ as his saviour. His grandpa wasn't a Christian at any point in his life, but Monte did say the prayer of repentance during the last hours of his life with him.... Only God knows if Grandpa was truly repentant....
My own mother fell last night while outside watering some flowers. Her right hip is broken and they are going to be doing surgery hopefully tomorrow or Tuesday. Have to check her blood to "thicken" it up from her blood thinner. Please keep her in prayer. She is 70 but chooses to be very active despite her rheumatiod arthritis, osteoporosis, and 2 battles against breast cancer. She still has her port from the chemo so the oncologist is only cautiously optimistic about her prognosis. She really is a trooper, never wanting to draw attention to herself. Many people do not know the extent of her illnesses, and that is how she likes it.
Monte and I are going ahead with a picnic tomorrow with our family, my siblings, 'family photographers' and several friends. Mom and Dad want it that way. She is locally hospitalized so we will be seeing her throughout the day.
Missing Lukie with a vengeance, but praising God for his faithfulness, strength and love. He IS ALL POWERFUL!! Sing praise to him- Hallelujah!!!!!!!
Love Monte Ivy Joscelyn Dane and St Lukie of course!
EILEEN is a very special lady who does alot for CB families.
SAMUEL is a child living in heaven now. His mother also keeps up his journal and is inspiring.
This is a very solemn saint named GABRIELLE who also lost her battle with childhood cancer. Her mother Monica also follows Christ and is soooo faithful with her testimony
This is BENJAMIN T's site, who is thankfully on his way to full victory in his cancer battle! I befriended his family down at Children's hospital as they were getting diagnosed and we were being told Lukie had 3-6 months...
BENJAMIN J - Please pray for Ben and his family as he has relapsed... The cancer has become aggressive, not leaving much time.....His family would appreciate your love and prayers
HEIDI is the daughter of a friend of ours here in town. She just developed a rare lung disease and is now awaiting transplant. She has her own family to nurture as well...
Friday, May 28, 2004 4:41 PM CDT Moving into Memorial Weekend... I used to so look forward to this weekend as it signals the beginning of summer. Now summer is so very bittersweet. Luke's birth month, but also his death month. I CANNOT believe we are approaching one whole entire year since I held my baby boy. I laid in bed last night crying and crying. Harder than I have in awhile actually. We still miss him TERRIBLY. I can not believe we have survived this heartbreak this long... Yet we must continue to survive it. Joscelyn and Dane are sooo wonderful at helping keep us in the present. Jesus wants us to continue our parenting, to continue to lead them (and others) to His offer of salvation. That is the only purpose we have in this life. Unfortunately we have to experience these things in order to be more effective witnesses to His saving grace. And it IS saving grace. Monte and I both understand we would not, nor could not have made it without God's promise of hope, strength and eternal life together in heaven.
We are looking toward a quiet weekend. Have been so awfully busy the past couple of weeks that it has been hard to center our thoughts. We are sooooo grateful for the support we continue to have through various friends and family members. I will probably update sometime over the weekend. Love and Hugs to all of you! Monte Ivy Joscelyn St. Luke and Dane.
EILEEN is a very special lady who does alot for CB families.
SAMUEL is a child living in heaven now. His mother also keeps up his journal and is inspiring.
This is a very solemn saint named GABRIELLE who also lost her battle with childhood cancer. Her mother Monica also follows Christ and is soooo faithful with her testimony
This is BENJAMIN T's site, who is thankfully on his way to full victory in his cancer battle! I befriended his family down at Children's hospital as they were getting diagnosed and we were being told Lukie had 3-6 months...
BENJAMIN J - Please pray for Ben and his family as he has relapsed... The cancer has become aggressive, not leaving much time.....His family would appreciate your love and prayers
HEIDI is the daughter of a friend of ours here in town. She just developed a rare lung disease and is now awaiting transplant. She has her own family to nurture as well...
Sunday, May 23, 2004 7:33 PM CDT What a crazy busy weekend we just had!! First off, we did NOT get to do our festival Friday night due to the storms and couple of tornados that passed through. Fortunately we hadn't set up yet, just had put stuff where it would be going. It was raining when we did that but we thought it would just blow over (NOT!) After waiting in the car 25 minutes, the organizer called things off as milk crates and tables were flying across the parking lot- good call! So myself and our friend Steffi = who just happened to be here for a month from Germany = attempted to collect everything we could and make a run for it. That didn't happen as the wind and rain nearly beat us to the ground just trying to fold up the table! Laughing hysterically at our predicament, we decided to wait for Monte to come back and load stuff up. Then we heard about the 2 tornados that were spotted north of us. I was quite glad Steffi wasn't the panicky kind, and figured we were as safe as we were going to get in the car. Monte showed up, threw everything in the back of his truck bed and home we went, completely SOAKED to the bone!! We were soooooo bummed as we had all spent the whole week perfecting our displays, handouts, giveaways, etc. for the event. Most things were salvaged, except for our time. As we sat down for supper we prayed, thanking God for our safety, fellowship and also asking for Him to reveal "plan B" to us... We are still waiting for His answer!! Sigh....
Saturday we spent relaxing and taking in a parenting seminar hosted by our church. It was about parenting children effectively in a defective world. They had childcare too and the kids had a BLAST!! We are soooo blessed to be able to worship, learn, participate in such an organized and expanding congregation. It seems like no matter what your interest, the church offers it in one setting or another, providing you ample opportunity to grow, learn and make friends with other Christians following the same (narrow) path you are on.
Today we were able to co-host my sister-in-law's baby shower!! Allison and my brother Joey have been trying for 5 years to have a child on their own. After numerous tests, procedures and much cost to them (in more ways than one) they were given the diagnosis: Unexplained Infertility. Literally the medical community cannot find a reason why they should not be pregnant! God knows though and I am sooooooooo glad they decided to pursue adoption. Just last month they were told they had been chosen by a birth mother to adopt her child. The baby is due June 15th, to a very very young looking 14 yr old. They have met her and her mother and seem comfortable with the fact that the birth mother is convinced she is doing the right thing by adopting her baby out. PRAISE GOD!!! So we were FINALLY able to give Allison the shower she has sooooo longed to have. They do not know the sex of the baby so they decided to go with a "duck" theme in the nursery, which really makes for some cute gifts! It was alot of fun and I feel so thankful to God that they were open to search out other ways to become parents. One of my brothers is adopted and we KNOW firsthand how beautiful and real adoption is- for all concerned. Please pray for them so that their anxieties can ease and God's grace will shine brightly upon them.
Well this turned out way longer than I'd expected! Must hit the sack now. This is Joscelyn's last week of school too and I know she will be missing it. Have lots of fun stuff lined up I am sure. Please check out Ben J. and Heidi's links and drop them a line. We love you all! Monte Ivy Joscelyn Dane and St Luke
EILEEN is a very special lady who does alot for CB families.
SAMUEL is a child living in heaven now. His mother also keeps up his journal and is inspiring.
This is a very solemn saint named GABRIELLE who also lost her battle with childhood cancer. Her mother Monica also follows Christ and is soooo faithful with her testimony
This is BENJAMIN T's site, who is thankfully on his way to full victory in his cancer battle! I befriended his family down at Children's hospital as they were getting diagnosed and we were being told Lukie had 3-6 months...
BENJAMIN J - Please pray for Ben and his family as he has relapsed... The cancer has become aggressive, not leaving much time.....His family would appreciate your love and prayers
HEIDI is the daughter of a friend of ours here in town. She just developed a rare lung disease and is now awaiting transplant. She has her own family to nurture as well...
Wednesday, May 19, 2004 9:15 PM CDT Just a quickie tonight. Been BUSY BUSY BUSY getting things in place for our booth at the Ontario Community Fest this coming Friday (4-8). We are promoting L.U.K.E. by participating in the festival. Monte is in the process of making a 4-hole putt putt with all kinds of obstacles/contraptions. I have been 'bargain shopping' for prizes and giveaways, plus making labels with our logo and then labeling everything. That alone amounted to nearly 500 items (blah!) Plus we are having a raffle for a carousel horse and a "tree of rememberance" for folks to put up the name of their loved one who finished their time here on earth (lucky them!) Granted, we knew about this several weeks ago, but we are all better under pressure I guess! If you live around here, I really hope I see you Friday- it's free and they have FAIR FRIES!!!! Yum yum!!
Other than that, all is well. I met 2 new friends who walk our neighborhood this week. One is a lady whose daughter died at 19mo. after living with a type of muscular disease since she was 4mo. Her name is Michelle, and her friend is Jeanie- both of whom are good friends with one of my gals at church. Small world isn't it!?! They were soooo kind to stop and talk, especially since we have such an ugly common bond. I hope we can all help each other along this journey. Michelle is still deeply struggling with her daughter's death, so please keep her in your prayers.
Must get to bed now- have another ton of work ahead of me tomorrow, including grocery shopping- ick! Praise God for the convenience of just going to get food, rather than having to grow it, or kill it! (myself anyhow)
God IS GOOD! Take time to thank Him for all He has given you- this computer you are using, that chair you are sitting on, the love you are feeling in your heart. He IS gracious, loving, and especially- FORGIVING! Everyday I screw up, and every day and night He FORGIVES ME!! I certainly don't deserve it, but the bible says it's true! Thank you Jesus, for being our Lord!! One day, every knee shall bow and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord!!! Amen
Love to all, Monte Ivy Joscelyn and Dane and Saint Luke
EILEEN is a very special lady who does alot for CB families.
SAMUEL is a child living in heaven now. His mother also keeps up his journal and is inspiring.
This is a very solemn saint named GABRIELLE who also lost her battle with childhood cancer. Her mother Monica also follows Christ and is soooo faithful with her testimony
This is BENJAMIN T's site, who is thankfully on his way to full victory in his cancer battle! I befriended his family down at Children's hospital as they were getting diagnosed and we were being told Lukie had 3-6 months...
BENJAMIN J - Please pray for Ben and his family as he has relapsed... The cancer has become aggressive, not leaving much time.....His family would appreciate your love and prayers
HEIDI is the daughter of a friend of ours here in town. She just developed a rare lung disease and is now awaiting transplant. She has her own family to nurture as well...
Sunday, May 16, 2004 1:26 PM CDT I am back again. Had a 'thoughtfilled' week again. Thank you all for putting up with my sporadic writings. I visit many other CB sites where the site is updated frequently, but I just can't do it. Have to wait till I feel I have something to say (???)
The weather was AWESOME this past week so the outdoors kept me very busy with lawn mowing and pool prepping. We celebrated Monte's 35th birthday last Tuesday too. He awoke to find a 'mini-barnyard' outside wishing him a great day! Check out my pics in the photo album. He really had a good day too- only a few tears shed from Luke's absence. We have been getting our detached garage built as well so we've had "company" everyday too. Monte subbed it out to another builder because he is soooo very busy. Of course Monte kept close reign on their workmanship though! That project's completion will really help us with being able to neatly store all his work equipment instead of running to the rental garage for stuff. Plus, now I will have space for a BIG garage sale!!
We were able to go visit Luke's 'Angel' Holly too Friday/Saturday! She lives in Indiana and just graduated from Ball St. with her bachelor's degree. We came a week late (at her request) for her open house. Meeting her parents was wonderful, but spending time with Holly was GREAT because her support of Luke and the rest of us is incredible!! She is one of 3 Chemo Angels Luke had while he was here and fortunately we have been able to maintain contact with all of them. Holly happens to live within a days' drive so that is why we have been able to actually connect physically with her. I am amazed at how truly compassionate all of Luke's angels have been with us!!
I promise I won't wait a week to post again, so keep checking in on us! We love you all... Hugs and Prayers, Monte Ivy Joscelyn, Dane and St. Luke
Please check out these links too...
EILEEN is a very special lady who does alot for CB families.
SAMUEL is a child living in heaven now. His mother also keeps up his journal and is inspiring.
This is a very solemn saint named GABRIELLE who also lost her battle with childhood cancer. Her mother Monica also follows Christ and is soooo faithful with her testimony
This is BENJAMIN T's site, who is thankfully on his way to full victory in his cancer battle! I befriended his family down at Children's hospital as they were getting diagnosed and we were being told Lukie had 3-6 months...
BENJAMIN J - Please pray for Ben and his family as he has relapsed... The cancer has become aggressive, not leaving much time.....His family would appreciate your love and prayers
HEIDI is the daughter of a friend of ours here in town. She just developed a rare lung disease and is now awaiting transplant. She has her own family to nurture as well...
Saturday, May 8, 2004 7:50 PM CDT I have been reading a book "After the Death of a Child" by Ann Finkbeiner and wanted to share a passage with you. It states the pain and heartache I am experiencing ....
"With reality comes pain, and the pain, when it comes is stunning. The pain is actually physical, mostly in your stomach and chest. Your chest feels crushed and you can't seem to catch your breath. I remember feeling pinned like a butterfly, or somehow eviscerated."....
"Along with the pain goes an odd mental confusion. People feel that they've just been dumped on another planet, that a new world has started but that they're the only ones who know this. One woman, en route from Florida to Maryland where her son had died, said "I remember being in the airport. It was like six in the morning and I was looking at everybody with suitcases, and I am thinking, 'Where are these people going? Don't they know my son just died?!'"...
"I remember for several weeks after she died, whenever I went out in public, I felt like I didn't belong there. I felt maybe I had come from another world or something."...
"In fact, nothing in this new world makes sense at all; the minor insanity isn't in the parents, it is in the world. In such insanity, you are dumbstruck and stupid. The first thing you're aware of is that you're either numb or in pain. The next thing is that the child seems gone and doesn't seem to be coming back, and this just doesn't seem possible. The death of a child can't be final, the child just can't be so GONE." "Your child isn't here so you shouldn't be; and so, you feel 'out of place'"...
"Perhaps by 'searching behavior' researchers mean only the early confusion about the finality of death, the sense of dislocation in this new, unnatural world. Perhaps the searching behaviour that I do still is neither confusion or dislocation, but longing intense enough to create a mild, temporary hallucination or at least a vivid reminder"...
Along with the dislocation and pain and searching com the first inklings that the child is going to remain dead. I think this realization of finality-"the difficult realization"- takes at least a year to sink in and accounts for the common wisdom at Compassionate Friends, that the second year is worse than the first.
AND ONE THAT MONTE AND I FELT TRULY HITS HOME:::
"Early in their grief, a psychologist said, his patients didn't so much choose to live: they just didn't choose to die"....
My heart is heavy again- still- aching and aching for my Lukie. Yes, I love Joscelyn AND Dane immensely- I do not love any of the children any more or less than another. But I am a MOM and I want ALL of them in my lap...In my arms... Once again for Mother's Day...
EILEEN is a very special lady who does alot for CB families.
SAMUEL is a child living in heaven now. His mother also keeps up his journal and is inspiring.
This is a very solemn saint named GABRIELLE who also lost her battle with childhood cancer. Her mother Monica also follows Christ and is soooo faithful with her testimony
This is BENJAMIN T's site, who is thankfully on his way to full victory in his cancer battle! I befriended his family down at Children's hospital as they were getting diagnosed and we were being told Lukie had 3-6 months...
BENJAMIN J - Please pray for Ben and his family as he has relapsed...His family would appreciate your love and prayers at this time.
Thursday, May 6, 2004 8:52 PM CDT Moving on towards another holiday, another time to remember the good things Luke brought to our lives. I am (fortunately) not anxious about this one, but I am for Monte who is celebrating his 35th birthday next Tuesday. I have always gotten him a gift from each of the kids, relating to their "personality" and likes at the time. It will again seem odd not to "buy" from Lukie. I just keep trying to recall the funny and silly stuff as to not get caught up in the sadness of his absence. I have noticed Monte getting edgy again with the approaching holiday/birthday. Not only is he missing his son, but his relationship with his parents is sadly at an impasse leaving him without them to comfort him. I thoroughly support him in his stance towards them, although we do pray for their hearts to be filled with peace and not pride towards us. It is a very painful situation that he has had to deal with over the past 20 months, along with the fact that he has had to learn to live on without his son.
We just learned today that another of our Children's family's son, Benjamin Jones (see link below) has relapsed. His cancer is neuroblastoma. Please visit his site and leave prayers of encouragement for the family. Also, pray for his dr and staff as they are the same ones who treated Lukie. I personally know that they are deeply saddened each time they have to relay such news to families.
I want to stress to people who haven't taken the opportunity to accept Christ into their hearts, - it is never too late! Please know, Monte and I are ONLY able to go on because of our Love and Hope we have in Jesus Christ!! Otherwise we would have never even made it through Lukie's treatments, let alone the family situationa and Luke's death. JESUS is the one who sustains, embraces, loves unconditionally and forgives us. He literally gave his all just so we could join him in heaven. Please please please do not consider that lightly. I would LOVE to see each of you by my side in heaven with Luke, worshipping and glorifying our God. How beautiful, how wonderful is His love for me (and you!) Do check out some Christian music- it will lift your heart, give adoration in your mind and help you to stay focused on God instead of yourself. AND it is very modern too!!! See if you can catch WVMC in mansfield (90.7) or K-Love on 98.7 in this area.
Happy Mothers Day to all of you out there. We love you and are grateful for your love and compassion!! Monte, Ivy Joscelyn Dane and St. Luke
EILEEN is a very special lady who does alot for CB families.
SAMUEL is a child living in heaven now. His mother also keeps up his journal and is inspiring.
This is a very solemn saint named GABRIELLE who also lost her battle with childhood cancer. Her mother Monica also follows Christ and is soooo faithful with her testimony
This is BENJAMIN T's site, who is thankfully on his way to full victory in his cancer battle! I befriended his family down at Children's hospital as they were getting diagnosed and we were being told Lukie had 3-6 months...
BENJAMIN J - Please pray for Ben and his family as he has relapsed...His family would appreciate your love and prayers at this time.
Saturday, May 1, 2004 8:48 PM CDT We have been very busy this week! Today we were able to get out and plant our hostas at Luke's gravesite, along with the lilies we got through our church in memory of him. Monte and I got one as did my parents. So we put a hosta on each side of the stone with a lily slightly to the center in front. Joscelyn said Lukie would like it. She "wrote" her brother a letter while we worked saying she loves him and hopes he is having a good time up in heaven. She is sooo sweet about her friends/family. That is one thing I know has come out of Luke's illness- it has made Joscelyn (as many of us) much more compassionate and sincere. I only wish I could say the same for others... Now that it has been 9 months since Luke died, we have noticed the "effect" of his death fading on people's hearts. Promises that were made to God, themselves or us have fallen by the wayside, like so many other wasted emotions. I am seriously in awe of how one can either 'live through' or observe the death of one such as Luke and continue to have such selfish ambitions/concerns. They are immersed in "ME", what is happening in THEIR world. I want to ask them "Hellllooooo??? Did you see what just happened here? Luke's battle ended and he is in the glory of God. Have YOU repented? Have you put GOD first, not this world and especially yourself???" I just don't think some people get it. I have heard SO MANY excuses about why people don't go to church and can honestly contradict them all. A Christian without a church is NOT a Christian. Christ called the church his body, his bride... If you are not spending time with other Christians then who or what exactly ARE you spending time with?? These statements DO offend people, but it is not me you are angry with- It is God. Read the Bible. God DOES LOVE you and everything you need to know about living here is clearly outlined. Quit listening to the news, reading "clairvoyant" prophecies, astrologers, etc... The Bible has outlived and will continue to outlive them all. God is Good! Quit fighting Him and lying to yourselves!!
Sigh... Ok, I will hop off my soapbox... Yes, I am a Jesus freak, although you probably know that by now or you wouldn't be reading.
We still are waiting for the official "ok" from the trustees at our church this week on our blood drive. I am sponsering one there in memory of Luke in July. Just waiting to confirm the date. Very honored to be able to help soooo many others the way they helped us!!
Our L.U.K.E. non-profit org is also still fixing up the house on Home Ave we bought last month. It is really turning out nicely. Paul does have someone interested in renting it as soon as we are able to complete the work. L.U.K.E. is also running a booth at our Ontario Comm. Fest in a few weeks. Ontario is the school system we are in and nearest city (other than Mansfield) Our house is in that gray area called a township! Anyhow... we are going to hold a raffle for a fullsize carrousel horse and have a putt putt which will be made to very easily win a prize each time. Plus have our "tree of rememberance" where people can attach the name of their loved one who has died onto the tree.
So as you see, busy busy busy. I do think we do this to avoid the 'quiet grief', but more on that later.
Love to all of you who have supported us in so many ways!!! Monte Ivy Joscelyn Dane and St. Luke of course!
EILEEN is a very special lady who does alot for CB families.
SAMUEL is a child living in heaven now. His mother also keeps up his journal and is inspiring.
This is a very solemn saint named GABRIELLE who also lost her battle with childhood cancer. Her mother Monica also follows Christ and is soooo faithful with her testimony
This is BENJAMIN T's site, who is thankfully on his way to full victory in his cancer battle! I befriended his family down at Children's hospital as they were getting diagnosed and we were being told Lukie had 3-6 months...
BENJAMIN J - Another wonderful family we met down at Children's. This Ben is also heading towards recovery!! Praise God!
Saturday, April 24, 2004 8:07 PM CDT Things were better again this week... I want to thank all of you who have diligently followed our faith walk since Lukie's death... It can not be easy to read about others' ups and downs when I know darn well each of you are going through your own struggles. Yes, losing a child IS one of the most devastating things that can happen, yet it does take SPECIAL people who are willing to shoulder another's burdens; to stay the course with a grieving family. We thank the Lord for each of you~ your love and compassion ARE felt and are MUCH APPRECIATED!! I have finally added links to other caringbridge famiiies' sites, and I know they appreciate your love as well.
EILEEN is a very special lady who does alot for CB families.
SAMUEL is a child living in heaven now. His mother also keeps up his journal and is inspiring.
This is a very solemn saint named GABRIELLE who also lost her battle with childhood cancer. Her mother Monica also follows Christ and is soooo faithful with her testimony
This is BENJAMIN T's site, who is thankfully on his way to full victory in his cancer battle! I befriended his family down at Children's hospital as they were getting diagnosed and we were being told Lukie had 3-6 months...
BENJAMIN J - Another wonderful family we met down at Children's. This Ben is also heading towards recovery!! Praise God!
We have managed to get alot done at the house today since the weather was good. We hope to be able to go to Luke's gravesite in the next few days to plant our Easter lilies and a couple of hostas on each side. Monte wanted to go right after Easter, but I just couldn't. I used to think I would want to decorate his grave so special, but now that Lukie is there, I don't.... go figure. I am thinking it is out of anger that I do not want to do it~ I should not!!! have to be prettying up my little boy's grave!!! But yet, he IS dead... And Lukie did like the big leaves on hostas, and the purple flower sticks they grow. He and Joscelyn would pick them (tear them rather!) out of the plant and chase each other around with them like they were using swords!! Sometimes he would tease me by pulling pieces bit by bit off the leaf, just so I would get after him and he could run... He was so devilishly funny like that! He would put his little arms up in front of him, curl his hands towards you and ROARRRRR like a big ferocious tiger!!! We would scream and run in fear (for a few steps!) He liked to pretend our hosta garden was a jungle - so did Joscelyn for that matter. I had a couple of gardens out in front of our old house and had grown some seriously huge hostas in them. We all just loved them. So Monte and I decided that would be an easy to care for addition to our gravestone...I am sure Lukie would love them... ROARRRRR!!!!
For you Lukie... We love you and miss you super doink!!!
Saturday, April 24, 2004 8:07 PM CDT Things were better again this week... I want to thank all of you who have diligently followed our faith walk since Lukie's death... It can not be easy to read about others' ups and downs when I know darn well each of you are going through your own struggles. Yes, losing a child IS one of the most devastating things that can happen, yet it does take SPECIAL people who are willing to shoulder another's burdens; to stay the course with a grieving family. We thank the Lord for each of you~ your love and compassion ARE felt and are MUCH APPRECIATED!! I have finally added links to other caringbridge famiiies' sites, and I know they appreciate your love as well.
EILEEN is a very special lady who does alot for CB families.
SAMUEL is a child living in heaven now. His mother also keeps up his journal and is inspiring.
This is a very solemn saint named GABRIELLE who also lost her battle with childhood cancer. Her mother Monica also follows Christ and is soooo faithful with her testimony
This is BENJAMIN T's site, who is thankfully on his way to full victory in his cancer battle! I befriended his family down at Children's hospital as they were getting diagnosed and we were being told Lukie had 3-6 months...
BENJAMIN J - Another wonderful family we met down at Children's. This Ben is also heading towards recovery!! Praise God!
We have managed to get alot done at the house today since the weather was good. We hope to be able to go to Luke's gravesite in the next few days to plant our Easter lilies and a couple of hostas on each side. Monte wanted to go right after Easter, but I just couldn't. I used to think I would want to decorate his grave so special, but now that Lukie is there, I don't.... go figure. I am thinking it is out of anger that I do not want to do it~ I should not!!! have to be prettying up my little boy's grave!!! But yet, he IS dead... And Lukie did like the big leaves on hostas, and the purple flower sticks they grow. He and Joscelyn would pick them (tear them rather!) out of the plant and chase each other around with them like they were using swords!! Sometimes he would tease me by pulling pieces bit by bit off the leaf, just so I would get after him and he could run... He was so devilishly funny like that! He would put his little arms up in front of him, curl his hands towards you and ROARRRRR like a big ferocious tiger!!! We would scream and run in fear (for a few steps!) He liked to pretend our hosta garden was a jungle - so did Joscelyn for that matter. I had a couple of gardens out in front of our old house and had grown some seriously huge hostas in them. We all just loved them. So Monte and I decided that would be an easy to care for addition to our gravestone...I am sure Lukie would love them... ROARRRRR!!!!
For you Lukie... We love you and miss you super doink!!!
Monday, April 19, 2004 9:39 AM CDT Well up one day, down the next... such is this thing called life. Monte and I are overjoyed at the warm weather we are having. Unfortunately it also brings back MORE happy memories of Luke. Which makes us long for him AGAIN. Both of us spent the evening crying for LUke last night. You really think you are doing ok and then "whoosh!" it hits you upside the head and leaves you spinning. The smells of spring recall times of Luke and Josc. running through the yard, picking daffidils for me. (She still does!) Monte recalled how Luke used to love to "help" him when he was working. Monte spent the weekend moving/organizing his yard barn so he felt Luke's absence immensely. Then you feel guilty for when you are enjoying yourself... And we both know we shouldn't- that is not what Luke or God wants. So you again try to deal with it, but it is so darn HARD!! Death is sooo FINAL when you are the ones left on earth! No matter what we do, say or think, Luke is STILL DEAD. I remember his little hands and strong legs- how hard he would try to run to catch up with his sis... He always had that head tilt from that STUPID tumor, but he would look down, make fists and push push push those legs to keep up! He never got angry with her for out running him., Alot of times she would stop and come back to run WITH him... He was sooo quietly determined at what ever he was doing. And his hands...How he loved to hold hands with you! He would take your finger and just rub it back and forth between his thumb and forefinger, like he was rubbing some kind of majic into it!!! I think he did it to calm himself in actuality. His little hands were precious...
Anyhow, so that is where we are right now~ swallowed up again in sorrow, but confident God will lead us out again. HE is the light after all... Oh, please visit this site = http://ibelieveinangels.com/study.html. It follows up on this "angelmania" craze. I found it via a Hugs N Hope newsletter written by Marsha Jordan... It explains sooo much!
Thank you for checking in on us. I am having the guestbook reduced again so it won't take sooo long to pull up. PLEASE SIGN IT FOR US... it is really a comfort to us to read all the notes you leave!
We Love you!!! Monte Ivy Joscelyn Dane and St. Luke
Tuesday, April 13, 2004 2:24 PM CDT
Welcome! Easter went surprisingly well for Monte and I. Both of us were anxious about what we were going to feel and to what degree. Things got a bit tense Saturday evening but Sunday was truly beautiful. We had a bunch of our friends and family over for the Easter dinner and had good conversations. Dane and Joscelyn provided the entertainment for the evening which had most of us in tears. Joscelyn LOVES to "dance" to her Barbie radio so her uncles had alot of fun with that. Plus they love to tease her incessantly. They are finding out that she can be equally annoying back though (you go girl!) After all, they taught her well! Our very close friends, the Lintern family joined us as well as Luke's "personal photogs" Dan and Mitch. Dan and Mitch have been joining us for 2 years now at these gatherings, but as FRIENDS! Both of their families live out of state so we love being able to be their adopted family here in lovely Ohio. My parents were there as well as my favorite brothers Chris and Joey (hee hee hee) Very good news was brought to us on the 8th> Joey and Allison are now approved and next in line to adopt!!!! Yipee!!! They have struggled with unexplained infertility since '99 so this is an AWESOME blessing from God. I soooo look forward to them becoming parents!!! My brother Chris is still in the dating scene, but he brought a very very nice girl to dinner Sunday. We are praying for all of them.
The Saturday workday at our 'new' L.U.K.E. home went well. We had 20 people show up and ALOT of work was done. The weather even held out for us- yippeee. The house is really coming along and I am sooo happy God is blessing this ministry for us. I was able to speak to a social group of women last night about L.U.K.E., as well as our son Luke. After all, if Luke hadn't gotten sick I doubt we would be on this particular path (or maybe so...) It is so amazing how God can heal you when you GIVE OUT rather than try to keep TAKING IN. And how He uses us to change others' lives....
My MOPS group (Mothers of PreSchoolers) informed me today that they are collecting "Bears for Luke" in honor of me and Mother's Day this year!!! They are going to take them down to Children's in Columbus the week of the 11th with me. Isn't that neat?? We have nearly 100 women in our MOPS group at Berean so we are going to have bunch of bears!! What a compassionate group of (VERY BUSY) moms!!! My love and gratitude goes out to them!
Hope your week it getting drier than ours is. Our pool is nearly at swimming level, which is NOT good- we have to pump it all out and start over. Off the tarp I should say. Brother!!! sigh...
God bless you all, and have a peace filled week.... Love Monte Ivy Joscelyn Dane and St. Luke
HEY- I have uploaded more photos to the Ofoto site, which is free by the way. Let me know if you would like a special "invite" to view them! Enjoy..
Sunday, April 11, 2004 6:34 AM CDT HAPPY EASTER!!!! We celebrate today because JESUS LIVES!! (and we can too IF we believe, take up our cross and FOLLOW HIM) With love, Monte Ivy Joscelyn Dane and St. Luke
Thursday, April 8, 2004 9:14 AM CDT Easter is almost here!! Monte and I are having friends and family over for dinner Sunday>15 at last count! Should be alot of fun, with everyone getting together. Of course, the pain of Luke's absence has already brought tears to my eyes. I was going through my decorations and found his lamb that he so proudly made for me last year out of paper and cotton balls (in church). I remember he called it "lamby" and held it up for me to see, then took it back and held it to his own chest like he was hugging it. I still cry even remembering it. Such a simple gift, but one that he was sooo happy to make for me. I know he would be happy that I treasure it.... I just miss him sooooo bad!!! It is another holiday, another time to figure out how to fit Luke into it without putting too much emphasis on him- for the sake of Joscelyn and Dane. It is weird, for Monte and I truly feel happy with our life, yet we feel equally sad for not having our precious Luke here. Glad, because we KNOW he is in heaven and that (through Christ) we will be with him again. But sad, oh so sad that we have only pictures, memories, and a handmade lamb to remember him by. He will FOREVER be 3, and FOREVER be dead.... I just still can not grasp fully what that means. I don't think I ever will... I keep reading different books on grieving, especially those that cover the loss of a child. Not really learning anything 'new' but it is interesting to read from both parents and psychologists how profoundly this experience has changed people. Of course the parents, but also those who were close to the family. Many can not bear to see what the family has gone through and simply fade out of their lives, others find a "reason" to become angry at the family and leave, then we have the rare few who compassionately hang on, watching us metamorphesis through what we once were to what we are becoming as we integrate our loss within ourselves. The most surprising thing to us, has been who has fallen into which category. Not who we would have thought ahead of time. As my friend Monica Paquette stated- it is their sincerity which becomes apparent. Their sincerity to Christ helps them in their sincerity with others. It has become easier to be more selective in who we allow (to become close to) in our lives through this. After all, there are alot of "good" people out there, but not all "good" people are going to heaven...
I just keep in mind what Christ was doing for US this week some 2000 years ago...NO ONE knows greater pain or suffering. Ours is just a little drop...and will soon be over.
I will be updating soon too. We Have a L.U.K.E. workday scheduled for Saturday morning at the new house we purchased last week. L.U.K.E. is the nonprofit organization we founded along with another couple in memory of our son. L.U.K.E. stands for: Love Understands Kids Everywhere. We are expecting a slew of people, which is great because we have TONS of work too! We rehabilitate old houses so that they can be rented. We then take the rent money and use it to help others in many different ministries locally. Maybe to fixup a residence, aid in special projects within the community, financially help out another family who has an ill child... however the Lord directs. Someone asked "how do you find these people and these houses?" I just laughed and said "God always knows who needs our help; it is up to us to pay attention! There is never a shortage of need!"
Anyhow, have a blessed day! At some point, stop and give thanks for what Jesus did do soo many years ago. Truly, it is impossible for us to see heaven without his generous sacrifice!
Love to all,,, Monte Ivy Joscelyn Dane and St. Luke (for whom Easter came early this year!)
Saturday, April 3, 2004 3:51 PM CST Back again, after a very rough night! Mr. Dane still has a bit of a cold, is cutting teeth AND is very "mommy conscious" right now. NOT a good combination!! Partly is my fault as I let him fall asleep while I nurse him then put him in his crib. After a few hours he wakes up, discovers he is all alone and does not like it!! I am not the most flexible person at night either-I generally will do anything to get back to sleep ASAP, so I tend to get up, nurse him back to sleep and thus, begins the cycle all over again! You would think I would learn by the 3rd child! The aggravating part is, Dane was sleeping quite well at night since he was about 3 months so it is like we are taking a step backwards. Sigh...
I want to also say "thank you" to those who emailed me to comment on my use of the word 'saint' vs. 'angel'. I enjoy sharing God's word and how it applies to our lives. I am always amazed by how God does work too, and it is rarely how I would have imagined!
Memories of Luke.... Sesame street just performed their onstage production this past week in Mansfield. This is the first year since 2002 that we have not attended. It was by choice. Being as Luke LOVED Elmo and Joscelyn was quite fond of Big Bird and Ernie, it was always a special treat to be able to take them to see them "live". We were even released from the hospital just in time for Luke to see them in 2002- only 1.5 hrs. ahead of the show!Unfortunately we also had to be readmitted 6 hours later as Luke spiked a fever. :-( Both kids got SO EXCITED at the shows both years! They were able to "meet" Elmo, Zoey and even Ernie. It was so much fun to see their excitement when the show would begin and the characters would come out singing and dancing. Joscelyn even got into the aisle and danced along! This year though, we just could not go. It would have been too sad to sit through something Luke so enjoyed. His absence would have been unbearable. Actually I am not sure if we will ever go see the show again.... Joscelyn is getting too big and Dane is oblivious. But boy did Lukie LOVE ELMO!! So when you see Sesame Street, let it remind you of a little boy who was truly enthralled with a big fuzzy character named Elmo.
Love, Monte, Ivy, Joscelyn, St. Luke and Dane
Wednesday, March 31, 2004 9:03 AM CST Welcome back! Sorry I was once again "away from my desk" for so long. Nothing bad happened, just life. (ha ha ha)
I first want to send out "thanks" to Monica Paquette for being so strong spiritually and so receptive to others' grieving. She has a daughter in heaven too, St. Gabbie. Monica has been sooo supportive to many others on the Caring Bridge sites, and I just want to thank her for helping others, even as she struggles intensely with her own grief and private issues. Please visit her site at http:/www.caringbridge.org/mn/gabrielles.prayers
I feel the need to address an issue as well here>> There has been alot of people who refer to our dead children as "angels" and that they "look after us, etc.".. This has been weighing on my heart for a long long time... I am not quite sure what started this imaging, but it is simply not true that Luke, Gabbie, and many many others have become angels. No where in the Bible does it say that any of us "earn wings" or "guide those here on earth". When we die we are taken up to heaven, but heaven is not about us! It is for GOD that we go, to worship HIM and bow down in THANKS AND PRAISE. It is GOD'S JOB to guide those left on earth, or to send HIS angels. And truly, we don't even know if angels have wings!!! So if we are to follow Christ, and know God, we MUST rely solely on HIS WORD, which HE gives us in the Bible. I do believe the Bible is the Holy, Inspired, Word of God. I realize it might be "cute", "comforting" or what have you, to think of our children looking down with "angelic wings" but really, if they are in heaven (which the bible says they are as they are too young to have given the chance to confess Jesus as Lord) then why oh why would they be concerned about us down here? That is GOD'S WORK and they are NOT little gods up there running around on a play ground, occassionally checking in on mommy and daddy. They are immersed in the glory, love and worship of God!!!
I truly hope I am not deeply offending anyone, but I must state what I have read to be God's plan...We must turn towards God for our comfort, our guidance, our hope, our love. Jesus is the one who was crucified for OUR SINS, so that we might confess Him as Lord and be reunited with our children in heaven. So I am following what God has burdened my heart to do; speak out the truth for those who have been misled.... We can not continue to be "politically correct" or to think that there are "many truths" when there simply are not.
Sigh... All else is going well in the Ervin household. Joscelyn is having a "beach day" at school and got to wear her swimsuit under her clothes today. She was very excited. We have been playing alot as you can see by the new pics I posted. Hey, I forgot yesterday was "Happy Doctors Day" so send your favorite doctor a note of thanks for all they do for you! (not sure who made that one up either!)
Rememberance of Luke: He loved the character Elmo so much, right up until the last 3 months of his life. (That was when Superman, Bibleman and Batman took over) Dane now sleeps with the same Elmo that went with Luke to brain surgery, 2 broviac placement surgeries, many IV pokes, several MRI's and CT scans, as well as Va. Beach, Disney and countless other events. Miraculously this Elmo is still in excellent condition for all the wear and tear he has experienced. It is just a soft, sweet reminder of Luke which I am grateful to have to share with his brother... We are forever missing Luke but soooo looking forward to seeing him in heaven again!
God bless you all and THANKS for checking in, sending your love and support and smiles... Hugs to all! Love Monte Ivy Joscelyn Dane and St. Luke
Tuesday, March 23, 2004 1:01 PM CST Hi to all~
The weather is slowwlly getting better and so are we. Dane is still a bit fussy at night when it is time to go to sleep which I think is from the congestion when he lies down. I am doing much better myself. And Monte~ Wow, I am AMAZED how God has strengthened him!!! I say this because for sooo long Monte was having a hard time even thinking of Luke without breaking down. Now he can talk, laugh and even watch the (home) videos without it ruining his day!! He has prayed and prayed for God to help him integrate his emotions in a healthy way about Luke. Sure enough, the prayers have been answered! Don't get me wrong, he is not "happy-go-lucky" about Luke's death, but he can discuss it without leaving the conversation or breaking down over it. I am SO RELIEVED for him because he was really struggling and down about it. I feel anxious still because we still have his birthday and deathday to live through. So we shall see how God works things for us then. "Only enough strength for THAT DAY" the Bible says.
We had a fun day Sunday when we went down to Columbus. We went with some friends of ours to the Franklin Park Conservatory to see the Chihuly Exhibit and Butterfly/Blooms show. For those of you who aren't familiar, Chihuly is an artist who uses glass as his medium. He blows glass into fabulous shapes and wild colors which really are fantastic to look at! The conservatory paired his art with the plant exhibits to create a really cool environment- especially when it is cold outside!!! The butterlies were all in a huge area of the conservatory that you could meander through. LOTS of different kinds to see as well as the chrysalises. You could actually see butterflies emerging from their shells right there!!! Very neat!
I must add that the mommies picked this adventure out to do. So please do not think Monte or Randy are any "less manly" for going to an art/butterfly display!!! They were both reassuring each other along the way that they would come out of this intact! hee hee hee. I think they did have a good time none the less!!
I am hoping to get some more yardwork done since the snow is melting away here, so along I must run! Love to you all!
(Manly)Monte, Ivy Joscelyn Dane and St. Luke
NEW PICS POSTED AGAIN
Friday, March 19, 2004 1:27 PM CST Hello to all~
Things have kinda/sorta gotten better here. We are still actively focusing on God's Will of course, but HE has provided us comfort to cope with the heartache. Monte and I got up the courage to watch a home video we had made last spring through Luke's 3rd birthday (July 03). We actually only watched UP TO his birthday as that marked the last day he actually felt ok. Within 4 days we were down in Columbus being told that Luke might not make it over that weekend... Anyhow, the video made us all laugh and laugh, seeing he and Joscelyn running through the sprinkler, playing on the playground and gymset and singing silly songs (up on a soapbox no less!) It was GREAT to hear his cute voice, listen to him call me Momma and Daddy! He and Joscelyn really did get along~ I will never have to complain about that!!! Josc. and my parents watched it too. We all cried but we were all laughing too so the tears were a real mix... Josc. has been saying since then that she "Really misses Lukie".... I agree, then let her go.. She doesn't say anymore so I do not make an issue of it. Not sure how to respond so I let her know it is ok to talk if you want but if not that is ok too.
That was a MAJOR step for us to view that video. We still haven't watched the birthday part like I said, nor have we watched the funeral video. They aren't going anywhere so I dont' think it matters :-)
I took Dane in for his 6 month well baby visit Thursday and found out the poor guy has an ear infection! He and I have had what I thought were colds since March 1st, but here turns out they are viral infections!!! Dummy me! He wasn't fussy, especially with the ear otherwise I would have taken him in. I figured with all the news you hear about using antibiotics as a last resort that our colds weren't bad enough for them! Oh welll! So I also went to the dr. today and found out my ear is infected too and I have a sinus infection! Wow! Now Dane and I are on matching antibiotics for 10 days. Geesh~
The good news is Dane is up to 17.1 pounds and is 27.5 inches long!! He is "thinner" than Josc (18.13) and Luke (18.5) at the same age but is an inch longer than they were!! Since I told Monte he weighes the least, Monte is calling Dane the "runt" :-( I don't like to hear that even though Monte giggles when he says it!
Thought of the week:
We are studying the book of James in church and I wanted to pass along part of the lesson we reviewed last Sunday: It is regarding Chapter 2 vs 14-26:
First: Faith without good deeds (or action)is dead.
** Saving faith= Trusting in Jesus Christ ALONE ; is validated by good deeds
** Temporal Faith= Trusting God in this present life (health, finances, daily guidance. This is not SAVING FAITH.
JESUS CAME INTO THE WORLD TO GET YOU TO HEAVEN!!!
Second: Faith and Good deeds are inseperable.
**Pre-conversion (Paul) said "good works cannot bring us to Christ"
** Post-Conversion (James) said "good works after (receiving) Christ is IMPERATIVE.
Note: If people live comfortably after going against God's Word, you MUST question their faith... Faith is ACTIVE OBEDIENCE.
**One good thing about Satan> Even he isn't an atheist!! Demons know there is a God and they Tremble! James 2 vs19
Love, Hugs and Prayers for all of you!.... Monte Ivy Joscelyn Dane and St. Luke
Sunday, March 14, 2004 2:54 PM CST The past few days have been hard for some reason... Last night I cried and cried longing for Luke. Not just Luke, but for life to somehow get easier day to day. Which is actually selfish because according to "earth standards" we have it pretty darn good. I haven't felt the best the past week due to a cold virus that keeps lingering, so I don't know if that contributed to my crying onslaught or what. I allowed myself to just cry and cry when I was ready to go to bed, with the kids all asleep. There is such a mix of emotions> deep anger that the cancer kept growing despite killing itself as well as Luke in the process, pure sadness that we had to bury our child, sorrow that Joscelyn doesn't have her playmate, her best buddy to tag along with her and to be her "ken".... It just seems all so WRONG and ridiculous, yet it is so REAL.... With Monte's encouragement I slowly begin to focus on NOW again, and most importantly, Jesus...I still DID NOT feel like getting up and going to church this morning, but I did... And when I truly look AT Jesus, I am made well. Simplistic yes, but that is what confuses most men. We want to make things more complicated, we don't want to find the answer because then we would have to give up complaining, we don't want to feel better because in some odd way, it would be saying we are "ok" with Luke's death... You know what? I AM OK. with Luke's death! Actually I am THANKFUL that Luke is no longer here in this world, apart from God. He is sitting in the glory of the Lord and knows no sorrow. That poem about "If I could build a stairway to heaven, I would go up it and bring you back again" (or however it goes) is NOT written by a believer in Christ, for if they KNEW the kingdom of heaven and how utterly perfect and glorious it is, WHY would you dare want to drag someone out of that and back down here?! Talk about wishing ill on someone!!
I get revved up about that don't I? Anyhow, I must constantly stay focused on the light of God or else that stupid cancer will continue to win...
I am having the kids pictures taken (professionally!) this week for Dane's 6mo. and Easter. Yes, I will post them when I get them! Probably 3 or so weeks. In the meantime, Monte has had work done outside, removing 2 big Maple trees that took up our front yard but were dying. And he contracted to have a builder buddy of his come in and get a second garage underway for us. We turned half of our 2 car garage into an exercise room and the other half of the garage is full of Monte's tools so we have had to park outside ever since buying the house! Hopefully this will all be done by summer. And it will be especially nice if the exercise equipment actually motivates me to bust my butt a bit harder!! Pray for that please!
Oh, Dane goes for his big 6 mo check up Thursday, complete with shots. uhg! Pray for him too please...
I will be updating later in the week...Love and Hugs to all! Monte Ivy Joscelyn Dane and St. Luke
Wednesday, March 10, 2004 11:56 AM CST I have been comparing pictures of Dane and Luke at nearly the same ages and the result is very eerie. Monte and I knew Dane resembled Luke but it seems like the older he is getting the more he is looking like Luke. This is good and bad. Good because it helps us remember Luke THROUGH Dane, but bad because it also makes me wonder if the cancer cells are standing by too.... That is always in the back of your mind when your life has been so closely affected by cancer. I will be adding more later but you can check out our photo page for now.
We are off to visit some neighbors from our old neighborhood this afternoon so I must cut this mighty short. God bless you all and we send our love and ((((HUGS)))!! Monte Ivy Joscelyn Dane and St. Luke
Saturday, March 6, 2004 10:51 AM CST I finally added the new pictures! I am uploading alot more onto the Ofoto site if any of you would like to check those out. You might need a special "invitation" to do so. Email me and I will forward you that "invitation" so you can see them.
I caught a cold just yesterday from the one Josc has had for 2 weeks (whaa!) I was hoping I had gotten over the infectious stage... sigh... Just dope me up on meds and I will survive. And speaking of surviving (!~) we are attending a benefit locally for another child with cancer, this time a 5 yr old boy. I do not know him as I write, but am anxious to meet him and his mom. The news clipping announcing the event said he is terminal so I am not sure how they are reacting/dealing with that. He is treated in Columbus where Lukie was treated but I did not ask Dr. Olshefski for info. I didn't want to compromise confidentiality. So we will go tonight and hopefully make some new friends!
It was 2 years ago today that we met Dr. Olshefski when he came in to tell us Luke had cancer...It is a meeting I will never ever forget... It was nearly 6pm and my friend Jim was there but not Monte as he hadn't arrived in yet from Mansfield. Dr. Olshefski asked if we wanted to wait but I said no (being overly anxious to hear what he had to say)... So very carefully, being sure I was understanding what he was saying Dr. Olshefski told us Luke had a slow growing but cancerous tumor in his little head. We had already been warned that it was "probably" one of 2 types of cancer by the neurosurgeon but he hedged on further explanation until the pathology report returned. Without going into much more technical detail of what was said, I do want to tell you what God was saying to me at that moment. I almost remember this more clearly: As I was listening (audibly) to Dr. Olshefski, I was also hearing God tell me "Be still and Listen to this man. He is who I want to take care of Luke. He will guide you on this journey so trust him through Me". I had never heard God speak for so long to me, it kept repeating over and over as we were told what Luke would be going through, possible outcomes, etc. Dr. Olshefski actually had to explain it twice as Monte did arrive after Randy had just left us. He was gracious enough to come back (on his way out the door to his home) and tell Monte how we would be attacking the beast in Lukie's head. So from there I knew Lukie would be getting the very best care that GOD wanted him to have!! I truly truly leaned on God's wisdom and not ours when it came to making decisions. I KNOW that is what got us where we are ~ which is a very GOOD place even though Lukie is up in heaven now.
I am out of here for now, but do enjoy our pictures! Again, alot are Joscelyn's work! Love Monte Ivy Joscelyn Dane and St. Luke
Tuesday, March 2, 2004 8:08 PM CST Hello to all! I hope by now you have seen the "Passion" and been spiritually moved by it. I truly hope it brings glory to God and shows His unconditional, overwhelming love for us. If you are interested in seeing more discussion about it check out www.beliefnet.com. They have MANY different angles on it and it is quite interesting.
We had a workday for a local family whose 13 yr. old girl is fighting cancer. That was Saturday and we had a good turnout of helpers. Several people have offered donations since reading the articles in our local paper so that is adding to her benefit. She is being treated up in Cleveland and has about 6 weeks to go yet. She has had to have her right leg/hip amputated so she has had a rough battle. We chose to do this as a one time commitment on the part of our L.U.K.E. non-profit org. but I know we will probably contribute more in the future privately. It is so hard to draw lines in these ongoing situations. We are also attending a benefit Sat. pm for a local 5 yr old who has been told he has terminal cancer. I haven't met this family yet but am anxious to as they are being treated in Columbus as well (where Luke was). God has been so good to us that we feel we need to share that goodness with others. And hopefully even bring someone closer to the Lord.
All else has been pleasantly kind of quiet here. Been getting outside more each day since the weather is slowwwlllyyy warming up! It is so nice to get to enjoy the yard and go for walks again. Actually, the only thing I did in the yard was pick up after our dog Duke~ fortunately he is a small Manchester Terrier so his doo doo is small (Just like his brain!!) But wait till Monte has to grab that bag out of the can when he takes things to the dump!!! (heehee hee)
I am going to be posting new pics tomorrow or Fri. as I have many new ones again. I'll let you all know, but they promise to be funny! Sending prayers of thanks for all of you! Love Monte Ivy Joscelyn and Dane and St. Luke
Thursday, February 26, 2004 8:33 AM CST We saw "The Passion of the Christ" yesterday afternoon. It lived up to and beyond my expectations, both as a work of art and as a way of truly showing what Christ went through FOR US!!!!!! I am still kind of tongue tied as to write all that it meant to me to experience it. I will say I did really identify more with Mary than ever before. And have alot more respect for the total "role" she accepted as the mother of Christ. In the scenes that flashed back to her being the mother of Jesus, I truly could see the care, compassion and unconditional love she had for Him. Then to watch her following her son as he is ridiculed, tortured, literally torn apart BECAUSE OF SIN, my heart broke for her. I had to watch my son lay in pain, undergo numerous treatments and therapies, put him in places he did NOT want to be, and finally, hold and comfort him as he lay dying. I too watched my son take his last breath, at that point the only means of comforting him was to let him know I was still there. One of the scenes that will stick in my mind for A VERY LONG TIME was when Mary (holding Christ's body) looked beseechingly into the camera. It was as though she was saying "see, this is how much He LOVED YOU, this is how much He endured ALL FOR YOU."
There were alot of scenes I could discuss here, but I do not have the time to do so. Overall, SEE THE MOVIE. If you are already a believer, your heart will be comforted. If you do not know Christ as Lord SEE THE MOVIE and read the Bible before you so easily dismiss it.
Here is part 2 of my journal! I am not adding anymore on the Passion, just go see it!! Ok, so for us: We have a "work day" scheduled for tomorrow on a house here in Mansfield. It is for a girl here in town who has lost a leg/hip to cancer and is currently still undergoing treatments, but with a good prognosis. She has been taken in by her uncle who already has 3 children so the living arrangements were not the best. We (acting as the L.U.K.E. non-profit org.)were contacted by Lacie's nurse caseworker to see if we could help get them moved in quicker. The house needs fixed up so that was very important to us that she get into a more comfortable living situation. This is only going to be a one time committment, but we will see.(wink wink!) The L.U.K.E. org. is growing in another way too. We are buying another house for a low-income family to rent. So that will make 2 properties to help generate funding for help with more families in our area! God is blessing this for us!!
On a more personal level, tomorrow is the 2 yr anniversary of Luke's diagnosis.. Very sad but I am going to try to stay focused on the good God has done with all of this. That dx. changed SO MUCH in our lives!!! And so much for the BETTER! Of course, I only wish Lukie could be here with us> cancer free that is!
NEW PICTURES ADDED AGAIN>>>>>>>>>>>
Love to all! Monte Ivy Joscelyn Dane and St. Luke
Thursday, February 19, 2004 9:08 PM CST I am trying out new ideas on the page, so if it seems a little "off" please be patient. I am NOT a logical thinker and that seems to be what a computer literate person needs to be... remember, "Dory here!" hee hee
Anyhow, I am going out to try to get early tickets for "The Passion" movie tomorrow here in town. They go on sale Friday even though it doesn't open until next Wednesday. Pray I can get some!
For some reason, today was another hurting day... especially in the morning. Joscelyn and I were watching the last part of Ice Age, where Manny gives the baby back to his daddy and the father carries him off into the sunset. Well in my mind, I saw Lukie being carried back to heaven and him watching us "fade away" from view... It STILL tears me up, knowing we don't have him here anymore. It has been over 6 months since I held him and loved on him and comforted him, stroking his hair, holding his hand, telling him it was going to be ok.... (yeah right...) And yet it seems so very far... I DON'T WANT HIM OR HIS MEMORY TO FADE AWAY!!!!!!!!! I held some of his clothes that he used to love to wear and just cried and cried... Poor Dane looked at me like "huh???" and Joscelyn came in and told ME it was going to be alright!.... She put her arms around my neck and hugged me till I got calmed down. I HATE putting her in that situation too. Yet I don't want to hide my grief from her... I am so torn... I wonder what Luke would be doing now if he was still here... We had worked sooo hard on his speech in the months prior to his death and he had really come around. (We still think of you Velma!!) I wonder how much he would be telling us now... How he would be chasing Duke (our dog) around with a wooden spoon and then pretending he was a big monster and roaring at company!!... I miss him sooooooooooo bad...
Please bear with us.. Yes, it has been over 6 months but my wound is still waayyy open...
Love Monte Ivy Joscelyn Dane and St. Luke
Wednesday, February 18, 2004 9:01 AM CST Hello to all;
Things are evening out since the weekend. I think going to another funeral brought Luke's death more into focus again. Plus with it being our good friends' mother, plus being a 'hoiday", etc... Anyhow, can't really say. I do know there seems like there has been ALOT of death this winter. Too much cancer! You read where heart disease is listed as the number 1 cause of death but I think they are wrong. I haven't had someone die from that in what seems like eons! Maybe I am not as aware, but I know ALOT of people with cancer and very few with heart problems.
Moving along, I am sure you all have heard about Mel Gibson's "The Passion of the Christ" by now. We can't WAIT to go see it!!!! I got Monte a coffee-table book of photographs from the movie for Valentine's Day. (I didn't even know it was available yet!) There are some very very graphic scenes in it, and to be honest, I am not sure I can watch the whole thing. I hate brutality and violent movies so this will be a tough one. But then again, it is a perfect portrayal of what Jesus REALLY EXPERIENCED for OUR SINS!!!! In a way, I think, "How can I not watch it?!" Monte and I are going with our dear friends the Linterns so we will be glad to share our experience with someone whose beliefs are so strong as well. Paul Lintern is the pastor who did Luke's service, married us, formed L.U.K.E. organization, on and on. For those of you who have the blessing of knowing him, Paul is a TRUE child of God, and a marvelous one at that!!
We have been deeply missing Lukie and are soooo hard trying to "just keep swimming"... Thank you to all who have stuck by us, writing emails, posting in the guestbook or simply sending prayers to heaven for us. We love all of you and are very very grateful..
Love, Monte Ivy Joscelyn, Dane and ST. Luke.
PS> I am still having trouble importing images onto this page... can't figure out the right way! help???
Sunday, February 15, 2004 7:13 PM CST It has kind of been a hard weekend. Tensions are there between Monte and I as we try to acknowledge Luke's absence yet not let it get us too down. Alot of back and forth bantering that needn't occur. Just when you think you are making headway you realize how very little you have made in terms of progress....
I did get to give blood Saturday which made me feel good, but then an hour later I had to lay down and rest. It seems they took all my "energized" blood> ha hahah! No sickness, just felt like I was on a sedative all of a sudden. We didn't do much at home but that was ok too as Sunday was busy. Our good friend's mother died last WEd. so we went to calling hours this afternoon (45min away). Have the funeral to attend tomorrow. She was there for us all through the past 8 years so we want to be able to comfort her as she lays her mother to rest.
I took some more valentines' things to Luke's grave today as well. Pictures are updated on the photo page. Angel Cathy, thank you for the card and bear and balloon for our "Sweet Luke"... We are missing him so very much... Love Monte Ivy Joscelyn and Dane
Thursday, February 12, 2004 8:34 PM CST I found something good to do for Valentine's Day >>> Donate Blood!!! I haven't been able to for awhile since having Dane but I should be good to go now. I checked the Red Cross website and they are having a blood drive just up the street from us on Valentine's day. Pretty cool huh? Lukie needed 29 transfusions in 15 weeks, otherwise he wouldn't have even made it as far as he had with the chemo. Other kids we have met have had twice that amount! So I will be giving in honor of Luke and all the chemo kids Saturday. Monte and I have nixed the idea of eating out as the restaraunts will probably be full. Plus he will undoubtedly work too.
Joscelyn has her Valentine's party at school tomorrow (Friday). She is very excited. I get to join them the last half hour of class so that should be neat as well. She needed to do 23 valentines for her classmates, signing her name only and by gosh she did ALL 23!!! Granted it took her 2 attempts over 2 days but I still think that is really good for her age!
I have a prayer request for you all too... A friend of mine just learned last week she has breast cancer. She is a mom to 3 kids, 2 of which are twin girls, age 5 and a son, 3. They are very active in our church and have been a true blessing to us, especially while Luke was going through his treatment. Please pray for strength for her and her husband and pray for God to protect the ears and hearts of her children, as they are not sure how to go about explaining everything to the children yet. They are at the beginning of a very long road right now.
Hope you all have a love filled Valentine's day! Love, Monte Ivy Joscelyn Dane and St. Luke
PS> new pics again
Monday, February 9, 2004 5:15 PM CST Hello to all;
Went to Luke's gravesite last week with Joscelyn and Dane. We left him a Valentine balloon and bear. Josc. was cold so we didn't stay long but it felt good to be there for a bit. Holly, your flag is holding up great surprisingly with the snow and wind. Luke has several bears out there and they were all frozen to the stone so I couldn't bring them home to wash them. Oh well, I don't think anyone minds!!
Had a pretty ok week since last posting. Just trying to stay one step ahead of the grumpies. It gets rather hard some days with this lingering weather. Want to lose weight but those chocolate chip cookies just keep calling my name! I checked out the Adkins' diet> boy, no wonder people lose weight> there isn't hardly anything filling or tasty on it!!! Monte is building a weight room for us which should be done within the month. We were going to the Y but it got inconvenient time-wise. At least we will have it right here for both of us to use whenever. Our Uncle Dave got it right when he said "it (losing weight) is a matter of physics. You have to use more than you are taking in." I have never been one to have to diet so this is a whole new thing for me. I always just exercised to stay fit, but this last year ruined that. With the pregnancy and Luke's death I have learned why they are called "comfort foods!" sigh...
Thanks to all of you who sent ideas and help on the different tricks I can use to spice up this website!! I just haven't gotten enought time to try it out yet. I will be working on them though I promise!!
God bless you all and Have an excellent week! Love Monte Ivy Joscelyn and Dane and St. Luke
Tuesday, February 3, 2004 7:07 PM CST Well since Saturday, there have been ups and downs with our rememberances of Luke... Monte went out to the cemetary Monday morning and was saddened to see no one has been out to "visit" Luke through out this bad weather. That includes us... It made Monte sad to think Luke was left alone even though he knows Luke's spirit isn't there. Monte also watched a video we had made fall of '02 for one of the benefits that was held for Luke... It was 250 still pictures set to 3 different songs that had alot of meaning for us. I think that is what set in motion the weepies again. I have seen the video and still bawl like a baby but Monte is affected differently than I am. Or he has more trouble "getting through" it. I say it is because he holds things inside or wants to work things out in private whereas I "let it all hang out" (as you all can obviously tell!) Lately when I have watched it, it is after Josc. has wanted to see it to watch Luke. She uses it to remember funny things, although she too gets quiet when they start showing the hospital scenes. Ultimately Monte and I just keep praying for God's strength, mercy and grace to "just keep swimming, just keep swimming"...I hope that isn't getting overused (the quote from Dory) but it is so appro. for us!
We signed Joscelyn up for soccer last night through her school> Wow! Is our little girl growing up or what?l! She doesn't even know if she will like playing, but I figure this is the time to try it out. They already have a bunch of 5 yr olds signed up but the season doesn't start till April. I guess they only play 8 games or so.
Hey, here is a BIG PRAISE before I forget> The little 3yr old we gave gifts to at the hospital during Christmas, his name is Hunter. At the time we met him, his cancer had relapsed and spread to his CNS (he has rhabydsarcoma) and the prognosis wasn't good. When we were up to visit him Friday, we learned the cancer is nearly gone from his brain and is doing well with getting rid of the rest!! YIPEE!!!!!!!! So please keep this precious child in prayer so we can have a victory down here for a change!
May God bless each of you with a quiet, peaceful and productive week... Love and (((hugs))) Monte, Ivy Joscelyn Dane and St. Luke
PS> Can anyone tell me how to get more graphics on this thing> I see so many neat ideas on others' caringbridge sites.
Saturday, January 31, 2004 11:05 AM CST Today being the 6 month anniversary of Luke's death, I am finding it not as bad as I had feared. Monte and I spent a good deal of time talking about it yesterday. He is making more of a concerted effort to truly integrate it into his life while sometimes I spend more time "remembering". I know we are almost expected to grieve differently, and that is ok. We seem to be able to help each other since we are in different modes and that is good. He helps remind me that we have Joscelyn and Dane who desperately need us to parent them now. Our active parenting of Luke is over and he is in such good hands with God! It almost seems blasphemous to imply that maybe he wouldn't be!!! Anyhow, as we hit another "milestone" along this journey, I am also going to try to keep that in front of my mind, to be an active parent to these 2 of our children and to persevere until God calls us all back to be a family in His Kingdom again. Oh, thanks to Pastor Dave this past weekend, I learned that patience is a Passive Action. God wants us to persevere which impies an active 'toughness'. Only through persevering will we develop the character and stamina to become mature in our faith. So phooey on patience> lets go PERSEVERE!~! ( Patience never has been one of my personal virtues as many of you know!) hee hee hee...
I posted new pics too so I hope you enjoy them... Many hugs and love to all of you! Monte Ivy Joscelyn St. Luke and Dane
Sunday, January 25, 2004 12:59 AM CST OK! OK!! We are still here!!! Actually have been rather busy this week. Despite the cold cold ugly weather I should add! So in this case, no news is good news. The week started off with Josc. coming down with a flu bug which fortunately only lasted a bit over a day. No one else got it either> yippee! We had our normal routines as well as some extra shopping and friend get-togethers to stave off the boredom cooties. Joscelyn and I have been on a craft making extravaganza to pretty up the house so that took a chunk of our week with running around gathering supplies then actually putting the wreaths, picures and other projects together. All came out rather nicely too! Our friends came down from the Toledo area Saturday. We had a very happy and fun filled visit. Last time we were together was when Lukie had died so it was great to see one another again. Both of us gave birth to little boys, 3 weeks apart, so that in itself was awesome to share in that. Their older child is 2.5 and LOVED playing with Joscelyn even though he is a boy> they had the best time pretending together... It was sad to see them off again but we vowed to get together more frequently this time! (Joelle is one of the girls I have been active friends with for over 25 yrs!) We also had a brief visit from another family last night but had to call things short as their son got sick while they were here. Boo.... Fortunately they live close by so he didn't have to travel very far to get rest. Today Monte took Joscelyn with him to cut firewood. I bundled her up until she looked like the "Stay-Puft" marshmallow man> hopefully she will be able to walk through the woods in that get-up!! hee hee.. Oh, one last thing... It will be 6 months on the 31st since Luke went to heaven... I feel anxiety simmering about that even though things seem to have quieted down otherwise. Please keep us in your prayers on that day in particular. I know it is only 6 months, but I never thought I could make it 6 weeks at the beginning.. Love Hugs and Prayers for all... Monte Ivy Joscelyn Dane and St. Luke
Monday, January 19, 2004 2:09 PM CST Well our weekend DID NOT go as planned!! The threat of bad icy weather kept our friends at their homes which I do NOT blame them one bit for! So instead we all worked on neglected projects around the house. Monte kept hammering away at his projects while I spent the majority of the time collaging (sp?) photos and re-framing some as well. I almost have that all done, just need a couple more mats. I have been wanting to do this for months but it always takes a back seat to other things. I am very pleased with how they are coming out. Monte did work most of Saturday since we weren't going to be having company but yesterday was back tackling one of 2 rooms we are still working on remodeling. Which is why his friend was going to come over Sunday, to help with the wiring... It will have to wait I guess. We did make it to church although missed our class because Mr. Dane decided to wake me up 3 times Sat. night! Ahhggg :( He has been sleeping 7 hrs straight but he just seemed ravenous that night. OH yeah! I meant to tell you all how big he is getting to be: he is up to 14#14oz and is 26" tall/long!! Basically puts him in the 85% group for you statistics oriented people! Unfortunately he was due to have 4 shots to keep him on track with his vaccinations so he was just a tad grumpy Saturday too. I think that is too many but what are we to do? If I spread them out, the insurance won't pay for the additional office visits so I feel like I have to get them all done while I am there. All three of the kids have never had reactions to them, but I just hate seeing them get "shot up" when they are soooo little.. Sigh... Well I should get back to adding up tax receipts> that time of year. Since MOnte is self-employed it can be a treacherous time... Meaning it always makes me wonder "who will win, us or the gov't this year?!" You all know who usually does win, it is just by how much! Sigh (again) God bless you all Love Monte Ivy Joscelyn and Dane and St. Luke
Friday, January 16, 2004 9:21 AM CST We are wrapping up a busy week for Joscelyn as she started pre-school Monday. She LOVES it!!! When I picked her up Wednesday she exclaimed "Mommy, I didn't even know you went home I was having so much fun!" Whew! That made me feel good!!! What a wonderful child she is, truly!
Monte and I did go to little Logan Rhine's calling hours last night as well... His parents seemed to being doing alright. His mom even said she was surprised by how well she felt! This is good although Monte and I both agreed the pit fall lies when all calms down and you have to look reality in the face, meaning his room, empty chair, toys, etc... We assured them both that we are here for them whenever and we were all praying diligently. Chasta was happy to know Logan was in heaven with Jesus and had Lukie to play with... she actually beamed when she said that. My heart feels good for them in their belief. I pray God helps them sustain it.
We have a busy weekend coming up> Dane goes for his big 4 month well baby visit this afternoon. (I will post the stats later!) I think he gets shots, boo hoo... Tomorrow we get to visit one of my very best friends, Joelle and her family up in Sandusky! They actually live in Toledo and also have a 4 mo old son so we are meeting half way to easy the burden. Joelle and I have been friends almost 25 yrs so these visits are always very special to us! Unfortunately distance keeps us apart but we still talk alot!! Sunday we have church/sunday school and then friends of ours (Monte's friend from childhood too!) are coming over for dinner and to help Monte get some wiring straight. (His friend Scott is an electrician) So we will be pleasantly busy busy! Good for this time of year when we are all stuck inside so much from the weather. It is a whole 20* outside now :(
Hugs and love to you all! Monte, Ivy Joscelyn, Dane and St. Luke!!
NEW LINKS NEW LINKS NEW LINKS
Tuesday, January 13, 2004 8:33 PM CST All is well in our household but I do have a prayer request for you... Logan Rhine went to heaven Monday night at 8:45pm. He had fought cancer 3 out of his 5 years. His family consists of his mom Chasta, dad Chris and 3 yr old sister Lauren. They are very distraught, sad and overwhelmed and could really use our prayers... The funeral is expected to be this Friday. Chasta hasn't been back home and is dreading the return without Logan...Please pray for God's grace, strength and mercy on this family as they face what will probably be the hardest thing they have to ever do...
The thing I really try to focus on is how GREAT God is to take these children right up to heaven... They have only known love from their families and now they will live in eternal bliss and joy. It is we who are left behind to carry on without them that face the sadness and loneliness. God IS merciful and just asks that we lay it ALL on him... I can testify that THAT IS THE ONLY WAY we can cope too. Praise God for his gift of salvation through Jesus!!!!!
will update more later... Love, Monte Ivy Joscelyn St. Luke and Dane
Monday, January 12, 2004 2:17 PM CST It has been another roller coaster weekend. We were having a good day Friday, went out to eat with friends, had plans for Saturday and of course church on Sunday. All seemed to be moving along nicely. After we had gotten the kids to bed Friday, I checked my email to learn another of our friends had lost their beautiful daughter. Little Aiyana passed away on the 6th after only 1 week relapse into AML (leukemia)!! The startling thing to us is that we knew she had passed her 1 yr since transplant (bone marrow from her brother!) and was really doing well. We thought she was "out of the woods". Aiyana was a sweet but fiesty little girl who loved to tease Luke. They were both in-patient at the same time in 02. Aiyana would shuffle by Luke's room with her baby carriage hoping he would take notice and want to play. Unfortunately Luke would notice and "yell" at her and try to "shoo" her off! It was so funny because Aiyana never gave up on him and would stand boldly at the doorway with a sweet little grin on her face.
Both she and Luke were the same age, with Luke being 3 months older. They were both bald from chemo at the same time, each had big blue eyes and looked like little cherubs walking the hospital hallways in their yellow hospital issued pajamas. I know they are together and safe now in Jesus's lap... It just tears your heart knowing how distraught and sad her family is as they feel her absence. Please include them in your prayers...
An "up" for us happened today> Joscelyn started pre-school today!!! She is going through our local school system so it is an easy way for her to get to know her future classmates. That is the main reason we wanted her to go, so she could make some friends in this area. She is such a social butterfly I know it will be easy for her. Monte and I were excited to be able to see her make her first step into the formal world of education too. She is sooooo ready and was sooo happy to learn she got to go to school. Since it is in the elementary building she really feels like a big kid now!
Mr. Dane is coming along well too> He is using his bouncer and exersaucer regularily. He smiles at everything now, especially Daddy because he is sooo funny! He is really into making noises too. He will carry on a conversation whether you want to or not! Really getting to see his personality emerge more and more.
Here is to hoping this is a peaceful, life-filled week. Oh, I keep wanting to share this with you and I keep forgetting: A couple of weeks ago at church our Pastor Nate gave the message. In it he used this statement and I have found it very insightful. It has challenged me to examine my faith and beliefs, using the Bible as a "plumb line" as Nate said. (To see if your faith and beliefs and actions measure up to what GOD says) Pastor Nate said "If your FAITH doesn't CHANGE you, your FAITH won't SAVE you"... Has yours changed you?...
Love and Hugs to all, Monte, Ivy, Joscelyn, St. Luke and Dane
UPDATE: Logan's family needs prayer as they have made the decision to remove him from the life-support tonight. He is the 5 yr old who relapsed with ALL last month and has been hospitalized since.... Please pray his family is surrounded in the mercy of God and that He gives them peace..
Thursday, January 8, 2004 10:11 AM CST Today is better.. Monday night was another real low for us... I want to thank you for your messages of love and support during that. The pain just takes your breath away and it is soooooooo hard to "get back up". I have been like a hermit the past few days, just trying to get motivated again. It is very frustrating because I am normally a very active outgoing person and I MISS that! Joscelyn and Dane are HUGE blessings to keep things alive inside here. We have been making all kinds of crafts and playing with dolls and I have been showing Joscelyn how to "cook". She loves mixing all the ingredients together and handing Daddy her creation! She gets so proud and it is SO FUN to see her happy! Joscelyn really has an active imagination and is very creative so she often shows me things instead of the other way around! Of course Dane just sits there making comments via babbling and grinnning. He thinks we are all so silly!
Monte is doing ok... We both just really have bad days when they do come. He is not into talking much, although he does with me. But that is why you'll never see his writings on here. He has kept a journal intermittenly but isn't convinced it has helped him. We take one step forward and 2 or 3 back. But have also adopted the "Dory theory" from Nemo = "just keep swimming"... What else can we do?? God bless all of you.. Love, Monte Ivy Joscelyn St. Luke and Dane
Monday, January 5, 2004 9:19 PM CST My heart is hurting tonight... I have just got done looking at last year's calendar (for tax reasons) and saw July 31st, reading: Lukie died. I highlighted it just like I do the birthdays, so I don't forget. What was I thinking?!? As though I would/could possibly forget the worst day in my life?!! The grief side swiped me again... and it brings it all back just like it did that morning when I realized he was finally still.... no longer gasping for air or choking out fluid....OH THIS HURTS SO BADDDDDDDDD! I was so relieved that Lukie had finally let go but soooooo heartbroken like I am now that I am a mommy without my child. I miss him sooooooo much!!!! I cannot wait to see him again, and hold him and comfort him. Although I know in heaven he won't need comforting. I only wish his little body wasn't full of that stupid cancer. I used to apologize to him for God (ha ha). God gave him a wonderful body and super intellect, happy demeanor and sunny cheery face, yet that STUPID cancer took it all away. Took away the hope his arms had of hugging people, the hopes his legs had of running a race, the hopes his hands had of creating a masterpiece and the hopes his heart had of staying with his mommy and daddy and sis. THIS LOSS is what I hate! Luke was soooo precious to so many... It's only just begun (our journey without him) and I feel so old and worn out already... My heart is broken. I know God will lead us on and give us strength day by day. Today though, the pain won...
Saturday, January 3, 2004 8:24 PM CST We had a wonderful visit again with Angel Holly> one of Luke's chemo angels. She was able to come see us on her college winter break, just like she did last year! It was great to see her again, although kind of weird because the person who brought her into our lives is no longer here.... We spoke about that and both have come to the conviction that God obviously wanted us to meet/be together as we both have the comfortable feelings of familiarity between each other.... even though we have only "known" each other a year and a half. Joscelyn and Dane too were very happy to see Holly. She is really a genuinely compassionate spirit and the children pick right up on that.
Monte and I also tried to minister to another family today whose little boy is in a very bad way. Logan Rhine is only 5 and relapsed about a month ago with his leukemia. It has turned very aggressive and does not seem to be responding to the treatment options available. Right now he has a blood infection and has to be on a respirator on top of everything else! His family doesn't have a caring bridge site otherwise I would certainly post it.... Monte and I drove over to Akron where he is hospitalized. I had spoken to his mother just the other day and she had told me they would be there late Sat. afternoon but today we found out she and her husband had changed their minds and stayed home. Her mother was there to be with Logan. Unfortunately they were not allowing visitors to see Logan either so Monte and I headed back home as the grandmother was going to the Ronald McDonald house when we were getting there. It really disappointed us not to be able to comfort Logan's parents, but we just keep telling ourselves that God must have had us go there for some reason we are not aware of yet. Please keep little Logan and his family in your prayers.
All else seems to be going ok... Dane is growing and "talking" with us alot... He is really a funny little dude! Joscelyn is "miss creativity" with all the neat art projects she thinks up and silly stories to go along with them... It is a constant adventure here!
Happy January all.. Love, the Ervin family :))
Thursday, January 1, 2004 3:24 PM CST So far so good this year! ha~ that is easy to say for only being 17 hrs into it!!! Monte and I once again slept through the actual changing of the year> our 3rd yr straight! Dane woke me up to feed him around 2am so I did get to see a replay of the ball dropping (whoopee...) A rather uneventful day which is ok by us. We ate at my parents' house the traditional meal of saurkraut and spetzlae and pork. Who ever thought that lovely meal up?! Anyhow, we were able to enjoy the company of all again.
Monte and I did look over photos from the same time last year. Ones with Luke in them... Sometimes it seems like a lifetime ago since we held and played with our baby boy, but the pain reminds us it was only "yesterday".. Actually 5mo. and 1 day today. (hey, who's counting??) The pics did bring alot of smiles and laughs so that was good. We all really did have a great time together! And we still are, just the dynamics have been drastically altered. Way beyond our control!
New year's is really only a way we use (as a society) to mark the passage of time. So although Luke is not physically present with us, he is still VERY MUCH an adored member of our family. Just as he was since God brought him into our lives. We are and will go on, using this love to build others up and hopefully bring more people to know Christ. Altruistic thoughts perhaps, but they keep us going. Monte and I feel we have to focus on something productive till God calls us home!!
We pray all of you have a wonderful, healthy New Year and we each learn how to be a better helper to our neighbors. Love one another... Love, Monte Ivy Joscelyn, St. Luke and Dane
PS> CHECK OUT THE NEW PICS
Saturday, December 27, 2003 9:28 AM CST We made it through the day! It was hard, but comforting with friends and family there who all shared in our joy and pain. Joscelyn and Dane were inundated (again!) with gifts but the best part was the happiness and good time we all had with each other. Spirits were more hopeful this year and I think we were all happy to just be together. Plus the true JOY in knowing that we were celebrating the day that God came to earth in the form of another little baby named Jesus... That same Jesus that Luke was spending Christmas with right then! If it wasn't for Jesus, we wouldn't have the assuredness of ever seeing Luke again nor spending eternity with our true Father. So what a truly happy day Christmas is!
Yes, many tears were shed by Monte and I because Luke wasn't physically present... Alot of anger at the end of the day because a) We DID make it through, and b) Luke is STILL dead... That last one might sound odd, but you still hold onto that itsy bitsy shred of hope that you just might wake up to find it all has been a bad dream and Lukie really IS here!
I spent the day after Christmas just "vegging out", taking in all the emotions and feelings I had been experiencing. Trying to process them and also just letting them come. I still have some anxiety about the New Year holiday coming up. Not because we celebrate it here (other than that silly pork/kraut dinner!). Rather, because it symbolizes the passing of another year, and we will be entering into a new one, one that Luke has never lived in! It kind of takes my breath away. Again, maybe that sounds odd to some of you but to other bereaved parents, I know they will empathize. We are moving further and further from when Luke WAS... We know he IS, but we just can't (once again) physically hold and play with him... Heaven gets that honor. So I am trying to prepare myself to deal with those feelings as well and to let God show me a way to positively use them. God has been so wonderful in helping with our pain throughout this tragedy...
I did post more pics so I hope you all enjoy them... I have plenty more too. I will be posting those in the days to come.... Many prayers, thanks and love to you all out there.... We sooooo appreciate your support! Love, Monte Ivy Joscelyn, St. Luke and Dane
Link to the News Journal article that ran Dec. 26,2003 on us: http://www.mansfieldnewsjournal.com/news/stories/20031226/localnews/111753.html
You might have to copy and paste it to your search browser.
Tuesday, December 23, 2003 7:28 PM CST I am finally DONE!!!~ With shopping and wrapping that is! I used to be done by Thanksgiving... but alas, that was B.K. (before kids). Joscelyn went and looked under the tree and exclaimed "Mom! you didn't have to buy me that many presents!" I told her I didn't!! She can read her name and Mommy and Daddy but I know she thought the ones for our parents/siblings were hers too! hee hee hee At least she didn't spot the stocking yet!
I was almost done with the wrapping when it occured to me that there wasn't a thing for Luke, or anything for Daddy from Luke. I had bought him a couple of small things on behalf of Josc. and Dane. There it went... the tears all up and out.... So I have just printed out an iron-on transfer of Monte and Luke to put on a reg. tee shirt for him. I know he will break down over it, but I just feel like I have to give him something on "behalf" of Luke... I know he will really love it after the emotion subsides. I got the transfers a couple months with the intention of doing shirts like that but never had the "push" until now. I hope he will be able to wear it without crying all the time. Luke would sooo love it. Luke was always so proud when he and Daddy would dress alike or Daddy wore the shirt with Luke's hands stamped on them. I will definetly post how the shirt gift goes over....
We are starting something new for dinner this year. Monte and I are hosting it at our home! Finally have a big enough place to accomodate everyone. My mom is more than willing to keep doing the dinners but she is really wearing down physically. She has battled cancer twice since 2001, has rheumatoid arthritis and is just very tired all the time. She is also the kind of person who would never let on anything is wrong with herself. She truly believes in the "Dory theory">> "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming!" (Nemo movie for those who are scratching their heads right now!) Anyhow, dinner should be fun and we hope that it helps divert at least a little bit from all the underlying sadness that we all are feeling.
I probably won't be writing till the day after Christmas so MERRY CHRISTMAS to all!!! Hugs and Love, Monte, Ivy Joscelyn, St. Luke and Dane
Saturday, December 20, 2003 12:12 AM CST Yesterday was the day we went down to Columbus to give our book drive collection to the Ronald McDonald house. You were able to give us over 200 books to take down!!!!! AWESOME givers!!!!! If any of you still wanted to donate, you can send them to the RM House c/o Diane Byrd 574 South 18th Street Columbus Ohio 43205. They will gladly take them for the families there and are VERY GRATEFUL too!
The other thing we did while we were down there was to give Christmas gifts to 2 little boys battling cancers in their brains. The first child, Colton, looked wonderful! Both boys are 3 and have been on treatment during this year. Colton is able to recieve his treatment on an outpatient basis where as the other child, Hunter, is treated in-patient. Colton was surprised to get presents from people he had never met but that didn't slow him down long! He quickly opened his packages and wanted to play with them then and there! (Of course!) He was sooo excited to have an early Christmas and I know his Mom was grateful.
Hunter was equally happy to get surprise presents, although he wasn't too sure of us at all. He didn't want to take the packages from us so we let his Mommy open them for him. Then he was all happy and smiles! His reactions reminded Monte and I strongly of Luke's> Hunter didn't want the attention except from family, he held his little body the same way, and even "conversed" with his mommy in that private way a child does with his parent. It brought tears to our eyes and Monte had to step out for a moment to regain composure. The cancer and treatment have ravaged his little body so badly, yet we could still see that light of hope, love and life shining through. Children fight SOOOOOOO HARD to maintain their fun and zest for life. We saw that with Luke, no matter how ugly the situation got, even in the end, he would fight fight fight to keep going. We saw this in this child of God too and it brought back all the anger, sorrow and compassion for these little soldiers. I wanted soooo much to hold him and cuddle with him! His mom is very grateful, yet I could see the anger at her life situation so ever close to the surface. Please pray for both these boys' families, but especially for Hunter's mom as she knows she doesn't have much longer with her only child. I wanted to reach out and hold her too, but right now I could sense a wall around her...perhaps to steel herself against the pain... Just pray....
All in all, it did help Monte and I. We decided we will do this each year in the future to help others the way we were helped. We have truly been blessed with Luke and through the whole experience.
I need to do some more baking and shopping (yuck) so I will post more soon. In Christ's Love, Monte Ivy and kids
Tuesday, December 16, 2003 10:57 AM CST Hello all! We managed to get the Christmas tree up Sunday night. We had been over at my parent's house for supper and were bitten by the decorating bug that lives there. (My mom!) She decorates EVERYTHING! So when we got home we pulled the tree out of storage and brightened it up with our family ornaments. Naturally we found this to be very bittersweet... Luke's ornaments, stocking, memories of happier times with our children before the cancer monster came.... Actually it was very painful to see these things again, even though we knew they were there.
Fortunately we also had Joscelyn's things and new items for Dane to add to the tree which kept us grounded from falling into that abyss of our grief. Joscelyn couldn't wait to add her baby dolls to the base so they could be excited like she was! I need to take a pic of that for you all, it is a very strong image of a child's anticipation of Christmas!
Here is a 'heads up' for the book drive: We are going down THIS FRIDAY to deliver those books in Luke's memory to the Ronald McDonald house. If you have books you were planning on donating please let me know so I can have the right number of bookplates to put in them. Especially if you are sending them directly to the RM house. THANKS TO ALL WHO HAVE DONATED!!
Love Monte and Ivy and kids
Friday, December 12, 2003 9:03 AM CST Here it is: Our family picture for 2003!!! It came out better than we thought it would, considering. I am in the process of doing our Christmas greetings as well. Unfortunately Joscelyn has come down with a bad cold. It doesn't seem to be that horrible flu going around but we are staying in anyhow. REALLY don't need to get tied down with that ugly thing!!
We still don't have our tree up... Waiting for the spirit to catch us I guess. I am one of "those" who put the tree up and then feel this uncontrollable urgency to take it down right away. I have frequently taken it down on Christmas day (night) but try to hold out till the next day! My mother is the exact opposite> she puts up 2 trees right at Thanksgiving and leaves them up till after New Years'! It is kind of funny how we are different like that. I just don't like the clutter; actually makes me nervous whereas she likes the comfort all the decorations bring. Monte doesn't seem to care either way so that is good!
Monte and I are really trying to "stay well" emotionally during this time. So far it is tolerable... With the book drive going on and the fact we can "spoil" a couple of 3 yr old boys down at the hospital, it is giving us a real positive outlet for our grief. Still get our breath taken away occasionally when rememberances of Luke fly back and hit us in the heart. Some days are worse than others, but all in all we are having many "good" days too.
Got to go get laundry done (whoo hoo!) Might even do the tree this weekend!! Boy, am I sounding ambitious now!! God bless you all! Love Monte, Ivy Joscelyn Dane and St. Luke
Sunday, December 7, 2003 7:39 PM CST We are 1 full week into December already! I spent the afternoon trying to get our Christmas letter down and designing address labels. I love puttering around with the options these programs allow you to do but I do end up spending waaayyyyy too much time on them :(
We took Luke's Christmas tree out to his gravesite this evening... Another activity we prayed would never come. His tree was donated to us by a local radio announcer who had followed Luke's story... Monte contacted the station during a program in which you could call in either looking for or selling items. When Tom heard Monte say he needed a small (18") tree he offered his right away. It was only later that Tom realized who he was speaking to and why the tree was wanted. So it was given and we all decorated it with small gold and red balls. I had picked up a Superman ornament a few weeks ago in rememberance of Luke, so Monte decided to attach it to the top of the tree. Superman is in the flight position so it does look pretty neat on top! We put the tree next to Luke's grave, once again wishing we were not having to do what we found ourselves doing... After emptying our tears on his grave, we got back in the car and tried to gather ourselves.
Joscelyn's first Christmas concert was tonight at church. She sang 3 songs with her group and then sat with us to enjoy the rest of the play. She was fabulous!!! So happy to be up there singing for all of us... Monte and I were so proud of her. After all she has been through this year, to see her brighten up and smile ear to ear does all of our hearts good. Our hearts ache for her, that we can't shield her from the pain of losing her brother and that we (as parents) have such trouble ourselves staying happy. She is such a intuitive, smart girl for her age! I really love and admire her!
Have a very busy week coming up> to me that means I have 1 outside obligation each day. To Monte, that is NOTHING! He laughs at me when I tell him my schedule is "booked"..."What, you actually have to be somewhere at a certain time?@!" he teases. I do enjoy my freedom at doing what I want when I want... Quite spoiled in that sense. I used to be so disciplined with my time, but that flew out the window a couple of years ago... Now, if I feel like it, I do it. If not, "oh well!"...
Sending thanks to God for sending his son Jesus, for sending many compassionate people to walk with, for sending the love for and of my husband and for giving us precious children to love and care for until He calls us all home.... Monte,Ivy Joscelyn St. Luke and Dane
Wednesday, December 3, 2003 2:04 PM CST Today is Joscelyn's 5th birthday!!!! She is so excited naturally! We are not having a formal birthday party but we are having friends/family in for cake and ice cream this evening. Sunday we went down to Columbus with her best buddy Jake and his family... Jake is her "boyfriend" from my parent's neighborhood. They were together everyday this past summer and Jake was a wonderful distraction/supporter for her from Luke's decline during that time. We took his family with us out to eat at Chuck E Cheese which was our first time there. The pizza wasnt' as bad as I thought it might be fortunately. So tonight we are just doing the cake thing... Barbie cake of course!! She had one last year also and insisted on another this year. Fine with us!
Dane was dedicated at our church this past Sunday also. He did really well and slept through the whole 5 minute ceremony!! Actually he slept through most of the Chuck E Cheese event too!
For those of you who haven't heard via email> One of Luke's chemo-angels, Cathy W. has come up with a FABULOUS idea to help remember Luke. She has started a book drive in memory of Luke with the books to be donated to the Ronald McDonald house and hospital in Ft. Worth Tx! Well I thought it was so good that I have decided to do the same thing, with our proceeds going to the Columbus Ronald House!! Luke soooo loved being read to and looking at books from the get go that I KNOW this is an excellent and very appropriate way to share him and the gift of books with others!!! So a HUGE THANK YOU to Cathy and ALL OF YOU who are participating in this!!! You can click on her website link below (1st one of the links) to learn more.
And one last piece of good news> our carpet is being installed as I write!!! YIPPEEE That means only "little" things are left to clean up on in the house! FINALLY!!! We still have some things to retrieve from storage but by and large, I can start making this house more of a home for us!
Love to all, and THANKS for being here!! Monte Ivy Joscelyn St. Luke and Dane xoxoxo
Saturday, November 29, 2003 9:53 AM CST It is "beginning to look like Christmas"!!! We had quite bit of snow falling yesterday to help the crazy shoppers get in the mood. Fortunately not much was left this morning, but the grass is still covered. We did not join the mad rush of Christmas shoppers although I did end up at Lowe's for house paint. Also found some wallpaper border for Joscelyn's room. It was kind of a challenge as I wanted something she liked now, but would still enjoy a few years from now. Her first choice was "Sponge Bob"...NOT!!! I can just see her in a couple years from now if we had picked that one... "What were you thinking Mom??" We ended up using a swirly flower design with pink as the base color. (surprise surprise!)
All went well Thanksgiving, considering it was very painful. Monte seemed to once again be the most unsettled. I did most of the side dishes for the dinner which we ate at my parents. On the way there (10min away) we stopped at the cemetary to "visit" Lukie. I was anticipating the sadness yet it still hits you like a big wave when you are standing there looking down at where your son is, knowing things could've been so much different. We all spoke to him and relayed our feelings and told him to tell Jesus hi for us and to be happy... Then Monte said "Happy Thanksgiving Lukie" and I really broke down ( as I am now). It is SO WRONG to have to visit your 3yr old at his grave!!!!
We really truly wish we could just skip the holidays, yet we do try to keep things going for Joscelyn, and for us. Even if we skipped them, it would not bring Lukie back. Monte commented that he still thinks there should be a way for him to bring Luke back, even though he knows how unrealistic that is. It is just SO HARD to live with the finality of physical death. This is where it is hard for me to "look".
I have read a book by Daniel Hans titled "When a Child Dies". It documents his journey through his daughter's battle against her brain tumor and subsequent death. He is a pastor so he has an added edge to write from. I picked this book up a year ago, knowing God sent it to prepare me for what is to come. I have had the privledge of corresponding a bit with Pastor Hans and he is a very peace-filled person. I want to quote him here as it so describes what Monte and I feel: To lose a parent is to lose the past; to lose a spouse or close friend is to lose the present; to lose a child is to lose the future....my cradle of hope was robbed of its dream. I have faced every parent's worst nightmare and now stare into the haunting eyes of what will never be..."
Through God we will find a way to continue on and even celebrate our Lord's birth during the next few weeks. Our hearts will be very heavy with sadness... but we will go on. We are very blessed to have so many praying and being there to lean on. God is still good. Our love to all of you for "being there"... Monte and Ivy, Joscelyn, Dane and ST. Luke
Wednesday, November 26, 2003 9:38 PM CST We are preparing to enter the "holiday season" with sad, but thankful hearts.... Sad because our special buddy Luke is not here physically to celebrate with us, but thankful that we will be surrounded not just by our loving family and friends... But that Luke will be there in each of our hearts and in his spirit. God has truly been gracious to us through out our ordeal. If Satan meant to pull us away from God by "taking" Luke, his plan certainly backfired!! God has promised us His peace, love and most importantly, salvation through his son Jesus> How GREAT is that?!?!
We will be eating the big ol' turkey dinner at my parents house... The family will be there as well as Daniel and Mitch, the photographers who documented Luke's cancer battle. They have become like family to all of us and I know God has His own reasons for bringing them into our lives, so that they may also come to know Him...
Our hope is that you may also find many reasons to be grateful for being here at this time. I always try to stay focused on the "precious present" and be open to God's will for me. Each day IS more precious then.. Happy Thanksgiving to all... Love and hugs, the Ervin family
Saturday, November 22, 2003 8:17 PM CST Well I meant to write earlier... I have found myself to be time-challenged the older I get... Or is it the more kids I have?!? Anyhow, I didn't mean to bring so many down with Thursday's entry. It is the truth we are living and I need to share it with others. Journaling this way is very relieving for me> I can get it out, know it will be heard (& even understood) which is very comforting. I said then that God sends comforting, loving people to be with us when we need it, and that also is true! Thursday I was able to visit Luke's favorite nurse Marie and also spend some time catching up with his favorite doctor> Dr. Olshefski. We talk about "nothing" but just talking and listening to good friends makes a world of difference! It helped soften the sadness from Wednesday night. Each of us face our struggles and heartaches. God knows this and somehow the "right" people show up at the "right" time. I do not believe in coincidence, we all have things that we can and should help each other with by sharing. Whether that is wealth, material things, spiritual strength or emotional support...Be THERE for each other...
Today we went to the "big" Mansfield holiday parade. I will post pics soon> too late to go through them tonight. Dane slept right through it! Joscelyn LOVES a parade as do I.. Monte can take it or leave them...They had 3 "scary clauses", several silly floats and a whole line of tractors. Why tractors were in the holiday parade I do not know... except several farming communities surround us (???) It was a good time, especially seeing Joscelyn get so excited at every entry!
House update: our bedroom and Dane's room are finally finished! Yipee!! Joscelyn is sleeping in our room until Monte can get her's painted and re-trimmed. Hopefully only another week or so. So we are inching towards completion. Each room is really turning out nice too. I almost lost my focus on what I wanted to do in each room being as this has been so drawn out!
We have another memorial service to attend tomorrow afternoon. This one is by the hospice group that took care of Lukie that last few days. (16 days).. Monte and I are going to attend, although we know it is going to be another hard event. The nursing staff was awesome for us, and it will be good to see them again too.
God bless and have a peaceful day... Love, the Ervins
Thursday, November 20, 2003 10:32 PM CST Last night brought an onslaught of grief for Monte and I... We (seperately) went to the storage units to retrieve more of our belongings, including furniture... Well Monte beat me there, and when I arrived, I found him crying his eyes out.. It didn't take long to see why. He had begun taking the drawers of Luke's old dresser out in order to lighten it for the move.. Those drawers were filled with Luke... His Pooh hat from Disney, his Cleveland Indians hat with Wahoo (mascot), his Elmo jammies, socks, small toys, SO much of what we would see him in daily... Monte and I managed to get things into the truck and trailer. We had a couple of visitors at our house unexpectedly which served to temporarily let us get our bearings. After Monte had bathed and I had taken care of the kids we went downstairs (not Monte). I could hear him upstairs crying, but let him go as I could tell he needed to cry. Once he came down, it was my turn to bathe. I debated whether I wanted to go in and reminesce, knowing it would hurt... I chose to revisit my baby boy. It was SO DEEPLY, PAINFULLY UNREAL to pick up those jammies, well worn from nights of playful fun, storytelling, popcorn eating, video watching, family bliss.. I smelled them, to try to somehow reach Luke again. It was ever so faint, but I could tell he was there. Our hearts ACHE so bad, I wonder if a heart attack could do as much? Monte did come up (holding baby Dane) to comfort me knowing I felt the same as he did. It gets so surreal then> you NEVER expect to look at your spouse with the common thread that you lost your precious child. And yet there he was, holding another of our precious children... another true gift from God. God's way of telling us that He IS taking care of us and Luke. HIS love endures forever for us...
We know and believe and trust in Jesus> we could never have seen this through without Him. So far time is NOT healing our pain, only creating a larger chasm when we do venture to look in. I know we will endure> I just can not imagine how...
God let us have a gentle, peaceful day today. We were fortunate to be surrounded by love.. The time is late now, but I will write more very soon. Please pray for those who are without God, lost in this world... Jesus SO wants them back.... Love Monte and Ivy and kids
Monday, November 17, 2003 12:18 AM CST It is 1:00pm as I write and we are just now getting ready for the day! Dane had a fussy night so not much sleep was had. Joscelyn slept a long time too so she must have needed the rest as well. We had a good weekend kind of. One of Joscelyn's friends had his birthday party at a skating rink so that was a new experience! No bruises or broken bone (hurray!) Monte tried to teach Joscelyn how to skate but that was a lost cause> she wasn't overly interested once the skates were on her own feet. Said they were too heavy. I think her attention span is a tad short for learning to do that right now...
Monte and I went to a memorial service put on by the funeral home Saturday. We didn't know what to expect as it was for all the families whom they served during the past year... It was a CRYFEST for us... Their grief person (social worker) read a nice piece on grieving and expressed different ways we could approach the holiday events. We lit candles in rememberance of our loved ones as their names scrolled down a video display... then after a heart-wrenching song/video we were welcome to stay or leave. Monte and I were emotionally exhausted so we just left. The staff is very nice there, but we were not in the social mood. My sarcastic tone was bubbling up anyhow> what do you say to the funeral directors?? "Hey, nice seeing you> boy I haven't seen you since you embalmed and buried my son! So how is work anyhow- busy?!?" Sorry but I just could not go there... I am sure they understand.
We have another grief counseling session Friday with our therapist. Everything we did hear Saturday had been told us by him also. OH, our family picture did go well last Friday which is good! Joscelyn held Luke's picture like she had wanted. Dane was a challenge but we did not expect much concerning him. When I get them back I will surely post them. Also had Joscelyn's 5yr pic done too. She really looked beautiful, jumped right up and posed like a pro for the photographer! They won't be in till early next month.
Mr. Dane is calling so I must go. Thank you for checking in with us... Love and Hugs, Monte Ivy Joscelyn and Dane and St. Luke of course!
Thursday, November 13, 2003 9:50 PM CST Winter arrived in Ohio today :(( Woke up to lots of wind with snow flakes blowing around as well... Joscelyn was quite ecstatic about it but not Mommy and Daddy! Of course she hasn't had as many winters either! But as I looked out the window I also thought "I am living through the first snow without Lukie... I bet his gravesite is really cold now..." And of course I wept. I am getting so tired of subconsciously marking time and events since Luke's death. Yet there is no other way to get around it. We are going tomorrow to do that family picture. Joscelyn insists on being the one to hold Luke's picture, so we will see how that goes. I am going to try to smile even though I really don't want to. Our therapist said these holiday events and pictures mark the passage of time. I am well aware that every day I am that much further away from my boy.... I have also tried to think of it as being one day closer to being reunited with him in heaven. What is freaking me out is when I read about other parents whose child has been dead 10, 12, 20 yrs.>> I do not know how I can stand that... Luke only lived 3 yrs and even looking 5 yrs ahead is more than I can bear thinking about. Even now I get panicky thinking that... Grief is the oddest emotion I have ever felt. Love by far is most intense but grief is like a invisible wall that keeps changing location. You never know when you are going to walk into it, run into it, back into it, etc...
Very tired for now so I will post more in the next day or so... God bless you all out there...Love Monte Ivy Joscelyn St. Luke and Dane
Monday, November 10, 2003 6:56 PM CST Happy (??) Monday.... Had a very productive weekend on the house! Our friend Steve came over and spent the entire day here Saturday helping Monte!!! To us this is a big deal because Steve is a sophmore who just got his driver's liscense, so you know he has PLENTY of things he could have been doing but he was gracious enough to put his time in with us!!! Steve, you are VERY appreciated!!
Monte and I also had a good therapy session Friday. Monte was able to sort through different things that have been weighing on him. We were also able to get a base plan on how to approach the holidays. Or should I say "guidelines"... It is ideas on how we can at least celebrate the birth of Christ without totally hitting bottom without Luke... Before we got there we discussed taking the gifts we would have given Luke and giving them to a child or children who are currently recieving treatment down at the Children's Hospital. For brain tumor cancer. I spoke with Randy (Luke's oncologist) and he thought that would be good for us too as well as the recipient family. I guess it is a common way to remember the children while giving us the joy of seeing smiles...
We also decided we will hold a pic of Luke for the family pic. this year.. Monte thought the idea of seeing Luke like he was sitting there with us was too freaky for him (through super-imposing Luke's image). So that settled that!
Our church has been studying the book "A Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren. Many of you are probably familiar with it. It has been so inspiring and life-altering for many of our friends. Actually a friend of mine led me to it this past Christmas so I had read it back last winter. If you haven't taken the opportunity to read it, please do so> It will truly help you learn what you are REALLY supposed to be doing down here!
Stay well and hug someone today- I have heard we should each try to get in 12 hugs a day to stay happy!! Love, Monte Ivy Joscelyn St. Luke and Dane
Wednesday, November 5, 2003 9:26 PM CST Happy Mid-week all! Just came home from a wonderful Wednesday night service- we had almost 30 people baptized tonight!!! Many of them were adults who have come to the point in their spiritual lives where they are compelled to declare their obedience to the Lord publically. These are baptisms by immersion, aka baptism through repentence. Either way, it is a beautiful thing to see so many being gathered in to God's love! Usually we have a Prayer meeting on Wed. nights but this was a special service and we had a full house. This was Dane's second time in the nursery and he slept through it once again> he doesn't even know he is in there!! The same man who took Luke under his care is there to care for Dane. He is an older man who along with his wife, take care of the little ones on Wed. He used to give Luke special attention as Luke was drawn to Russ. Monte and I used to say "With Russ there is no fuss!" as Luke never got upset about being left with Russ. I believe it is theraputic for Russ to be able to care for Luke's brother also...
Not much really going on here> the house is still taking up most of our time, or at least MOnte's time. He is a perfectionist and I am NOT so consequently I am not "allowed" to do much real work on the house. This doesn't bother me except that I know things would go faster if I was allowed to do things. Oh well...sigh....
Been contemplating how we will do our family picture this season... Some have suggested we hold a picture of Luke with us (in the photo) and others have said that Luke's image can be superimposed into the new photograph too. Then I wonder if we should have LUke in it... I want him in it, yet I wonder if that will appear odd in later years.... I can feel the weight of the holidays bearing down on us already and I know it is going to be TERRIBLY HARD... There are a couple of grief "events" hospice is putting on for their families which we will be going to. Still doing our grief counseling although not last month due to scheduling differences. We go this Friday so maybe answers will appear. I get more worried about Monte really as he doesn't have a regular "outlet" to help with his grief. I am the talker whereas he is the "doer" and I really can't gauge how much he is actually dealing with his grief. Even with his close friends (and therapist too) he is slow and reluctant to let the deeper feeling come. Too overwhelming I know... Please continue to hold him up in your prayers. ESPECIALLY with the impending holidays...
Hope all is well in your worlds... we so enjoy seeing all of your postings! God bless, Love Monte Ivy Joscelyn St. Luke and Dane
Friday, October 31, 2003 8:34 PM CST 3 months since Luke left his body to go live with Jesus... It is still way too painful to focus on. It is something Monte and I walk with daily, like an iron belt around our hearts locking in the memory of Luke yet painfully constricting our hearts in the process...
Well today also marks one week since we "moved in". I say it that way because only half our things are with us. The rest is still in storage until we get the final touches done. That will probably take another couple of weeks. But it is SO GOOD TO BE HERE! In every way.
Joscelyn did dress up for Halloween this week. Our area had trick or treat yesterday and she also got to dress for church on Wed. night. Got way too much candy of course but she is being sooo good at only having 3 pieces a day. I didn't get pics of her Wed. night which is when she dressed as Esmerelda from "The Hunchback of Notre Dame"> beautiful! But I did get her as Sleeping Beauty last night. Mr. Dane did not get dressed up although he did look festive in his Halloween sleeper (thanks Marie!) So it went well! Never did carve our pumpkins though...
I will eventually post pics of the house so people can see what took so long. We did do before and afters fortunately.
Hope you are all having a great weekend! Hugs and Love from the Ervin's!
Monday, October 27, 2003 11:30 AM CST WE FINALLY MADE IT!!! Monte and I got to spend the first night in our new house on Friday> yippeee! We had help from several people which we are very thankful for too! We are not exactly living the way we should, but at least we are in. We are sleeping in the lower family room until the trimwork is complete upstairs. Monte is doing it so hopefully that will be at the end of the week. This has been THE LONGEST move I could ever have imagined! Monte and I agree that we do not want to move for a VERY VERY LONG TIME!
I posted some pics of Dane and Joscelyn doing their things. Haven't had much time to do as much picture taking as I usually do but that will return. Once I get things where they belong we'll be set.
Hey, I just also wanted to acknowledge how blessed we are, even throughout our struggles. I have seen and talked with many people who are really stumbling through their lives. Alot of sadness, resentment, heartache and loss of hope for a positive change. I just want to pass along that God does love YOU and He is really waiting for you to LET HIM HELP YOU. I know that may sound simplistic, but it is sooo true. There is so much hurt and pain in this world, we all see it daily. God can and will turn that around for us, but we just have to TRUST in Him and Believe. Reach out to those who may be trying to help you...God is working through them. Don't be "too full to swallow your pride". We all need each other as we go through our lives. You can't always be the one helping others, there will be times when you need their help as well. God meant for us to work with each other, not for us to 'go it alone'... Please let Christ work in and for you, I really can't tell you all the good things that will come out of it. Most importantly your salvation. Our lives here are SO SHORT and our eternal life is just that: ETERNITY. We need to keep focused on that daily.
I hope you are all finding peace out there... God bless you all for "being there" for our family and little Lukie...
Thursday, October 23, 2003 10:49 AM CDT Hello to all! We should be moving in this weekend FINALLY!!! So my computer will be moving tomorrow.. Hopefully we won't be offline too long! All seems to be going well at the moment. Joscelyn is getting set for Halloween> she is going to be Esmerelda from "the Hunchback of Notre Dame". Dane is just going to be his lil' pumpkin self. We still need to find out when the new neighborhood beggar's night is!
Dane is slowwwwlly getting better with his sleep patterns. I usually have 5 out of 7 good nights which means I am only getting up 2-3 times as opposed to 3-4 or more!! Monte and I agree> sleep deprivation is the WORST part of child rearing! Dane will be 6 weeks already this weekend too- WOW!
Joscelyn helped Daddy make a pumpkin for Luke's gravesite and also picked one (on her own) just for Luke to keep. She talks of him everyday, usually bringing up funny things they used to do together. She doesn't sound "sad" when she speaks of him, but there is always a quiet, longing pause afterwards.. I know she soooo misses her playmate brother. She is very good with Dane, but I also know she is anxious to have a buddy brother again.
Well time is flying by me again and I must be going! Thank you ALL for your kind entries, words of hope and wonderful poems you all have sent. We read and re-read them constantly as they help us to smile and know how blessed we really are. Love N Hugs, Ivy, Monte Joscelyn, St.Luke and Dane
Saturday, October 18, 2003 11:06 AM CDT We are sooooooo close to moving in now!!! The electrician finally came and hooked us up properly and updated the service as well. We TRULY plan on moving in officially this coming weekend. The phone/computer will transfer Friday although phone numbers will remain the same.
I am soooo glad! We have been blessed to be able to stay at my parent's house with ample room, but it sure will be nice to stay at the place you are paying a mortgage on!
I will say that I have been anxious about moving the furniture and belongings of Luke's into Dane's room. Actually I am more anxious of the goodies and memories that will be popping out of his drawers and boxes. The few times I have had to go to the storage for this or that, whenever I have looked at his clothes (winter) hanging there, or saw one of his trucks, my eyes get all clouded over and I must turn away. It is still way too painful to "look it in the eye"... Luke's death. I know he is in heaven and SO much happier. Just remembering him brings up so much longing, yet you can't help but do it. And there are many happy memories don't get me wrong... I know he is still very much with us and really wants us to be happy, so we do try. I like to think he is telling me "mom, I did what God sent me to do. I really didn't suffer, I had a GREAT life! I dont' regret anything! Please live your life knowing I am close by with Jesus who will always give you strength. You will be here soon as will Joscelyn Daddy and Dane. Keep telling people how good God is and to trust only in Him so we can have many more friends here with us. I will always love you and Daddy. Please don't cry because I AM happy and well loved.".... I truly try to focus on Luke NOW (in heaven). It is a huge challenge, one that should not be underestimated... I honestly can not imagine a more painful situation than having to bury a child...
That silly picture of Luke above, it reminds me of what he is doing up in heaven> Periodically looking through the glass (from heaven) to us (on earth) to see what we are doing or if we are coming home soon... Thank GOD for GOD and His eternal love for us so that we WILL be joyfully reunited again. Praise the Lord!
Tuesday, October 14, 2003 8:05 PM CDT Hello~ We had a good weekend, despite not moving into our home yet. We went to Columbus Sunday for a "Fall Party" put on at a greenhouse by Kids N Kamp. That is the childhood cancer group we work with. Even though Luke is no longer physically with us, the group still encourages the family to participate as all of us are ministered to through the friendships you make. Fortunately we had a bright sunny day so the hay ride and other activities were more fun. At first it was unsettling attending without Luke...especially seeing the other families who still had their children with them. Or seeing the "newer" families with their children who are now bald or wearing their masks (against infections). But we also rejoice with and for them, as God has graciously allowed us to know these people and has bonded us together... even if it is an unlikely bond.. Joscelyn had lots of fun> she and Daddy did the 3-legged race, tug of war (lost again :(. We got to walk through a corn maze, hear about how the Indians lived in their teepees and finally got to pick a pumpkin to take home! Joscelyn also got to make a scarecrow out of an old pair of clothes. It looks wonderful! And of course she HAD to get a rose painted on her face... in hopes that her "boyfriend" (neighbor) Jake would like it!
We got home at 7 and I was pooped! For some reason I came down with a fever that night and half of Monday. No other symptoms which was good, but it was odd to just get the chills/sweats. Go figure. I was the only one with this problem.
Today the kids and I attended the first mtg of the year of our MOPS group. MOPS stands for Mothers Of Pre-Schoolers and is a Christian org. that meets at our church. We have attended for 4 yrs now and it is as fulfilling for the kids as for me. Alot of connections with other moms as well as a 'guest speaker' who encourages and inspires us to continue in our spiritual growth. The kids are also led to know Christ more through stories and play (of course!) Plus they get to form their own friendships as well. It is a very welcome "escape" for all of us twice a month!
Oh, the electrician "stood us up" Monday saying he'll be there Thurs or Friday!! AAhhgggg! Please pray he makes it and we can get into our house ASAP! God bless each of you. Love Monte Ivy Joscelyn St. Luke and Dane
Thursday, October 9, 2003 7:50 PM CDT Here I am> Back already! I did make it out to see the monument for Luke. Technically it turned out exactly as we wanted... Unfortunately it is just another item we did not care to deal with. I have been depressed since going there... a cold, hard reminder that my baby is not coming home anymore... I DON'T WANT it to be beautiful. I want all of it gone actually! It just isn't right that I have to go "visit" my 3 yr old son in a cemetary!!! Every time I read about another child being diagnosed with a brain tumor (or other cancer) my heart BREAKS for the family and child... It is a long road going nowhere. At least nowhere anyone would want to go.
I just HAVE TO KEEP FOCUSED that God has and will see us through until we can be reunited with Lukie. He is forever on our minds. Many days we have to "fight" with outselves to think happy thoughts of Luke, and not fall into the muddy lake of woes.... Which can be all too easy...
Too tired now, will update when the energy returns... Love Monte Ivy Joscelyn and Dane with St. Luke
Wednesday, October 8, 2003 7:54 PM CDT Well I am once again "late" at posting an update! And once again our move has been put off one more week> Ahhggg!!! This time due to the electrician not being able to do our job till next week. :( The downstairs carpet came today and looks fabulous! So that makes all but the upstairs main room completed. The power is not hooked up in the downstairs so if we "moved in" we would not have any juice to do laundry, lighting and use this wonderful piece of technology that brings us to you! SIGH!!!! This whole process has been a pain in our behinds! (to say the least!)
Luke's headstone came in today... Monte went to see it and says it is really beautiful. I plan on going tomorrow and I will take a pic then for you all to see. We had his image engraved on a heart above his name. I hope it is touching.... I have mixed feelings about seeing it... of course.
Dane is doing well. Not necessarily sleeping through the night, but in a "tolerable" routine. Unfortunately he has decided to stay up several hours each Saturday night (we are talking 12-4am). This makes me none too enthusiastic about going to church in the morning either. So Monte and Joscelyn have gone on with out us but I am REALLY missing the worship and fellowship. Please pray Dane gets straightened around, especially on Sat. nights!
Well I will post more soon, Promise!! Happy Fall! Love Monte Ivy Joscelyn St. Luke and Dane
Wednesday, October 1, 2003 11:06 AM CDT Hi all!
I have a couple of updates for you> First, Luke's monument is almost done. They have told us it should be in place by the end of next week- yeah! Since it has frosted though I am afraid I will need to wait till next spring to plant around it. I am including a pic I recently took at the gravesite with Joscelyn and Dane. You can see the momentos people have left there too... very thoughtful and kind!
Dane had his 2 week well baby check up Monday and is up 12 oz to 9#1oz!!! He grew 1/2 an inch too. Dane also showed off for the doctor by rolling over and holding his head at a 45* angle already! This was good because if I had just mentioned it without the dr. observing it, it would've looked like I was just being a proud Mommy (which I am!!)
We also have a pretty good target date for moving into our new house> Oct. 11th! The carpet is to be done on the 8th so hopefully we'll be able to get into the house that weekend. At that point only the upstairs living room will need carpeted but Monte vaulted the ceiling and put skylights in so we are going to live around that for the time being. The whole roof needed replaced and since the rest of the house was already torn up, Monte decided to tackle that beast as well. Yes, he is a glutton for punishment! It was good that he did do it as there were 14 sheets that needed replaced as they were nearly rotted through! So even with the living room in dissarry, we will happily move in!!!
I need to feed the kids so off I go again! Hope you are all enjoying the fall. God does wonders with those leaves doesn't He??? Love to all, Monte Ivy Joscelyn Luke and Dane
Wednesday, September 24, 2003 8:07 PM CDT Helloo! We are still here! Been busy with the house remodeling. Things are finally coming together and we are looking to at least get mostly moved in by the first weekend in October. Monte has done nearly all the work as the general contractor we had hired lost his "main man" when the guy accidently cut off his finger! Fortunately he is ok, but were unable to get us on schedule for at least a month yet. So Monte has been working at his own jobs as well as pulling alot of late nights at the "new" house. (He is a drywall contractor) Of course it is peak season on building too, so everyone who is worth hiring is already tightly booked...
Dane has been keeping a regular schedule> up every 1.5-2 hours or so at night! (wahhh!) Needless to say, I have been getting up closer to 10ish each day> and that is with much effort!! He is a good baby though. Just gets up, eats and back to sleep! Joscelyn and Daddy sleep right through it all. I can honestly tell you there is not anything on t.v. either. Unless you are easily swayed by all those silly info-mercials! (not!)
Monte and I get to celebrate our 7th anniversary this weekend. He keeps telling me he thinks it is our 70th~ hmph! It is amazing how much we have been through, just as a family unit since we were married.
Of course we are still feeling intense pain in missing Luke. We are quite anxious about the changing seasons, holidays coming, supposed happy times, etc... At our last counseling session our therapist brought up the term "survivor's guilt". We found ourselves to be smack in the middle of that. Ecstatic about the arrival of Dane, yet completely heartbroken, torn and in agony over not having Luke with us. It still doesn't seem real, that our beautiful baby boy isn't here and we won't get to (physically) be with him for sooooooooo long!! You get to feeling guilty over being happy, even if it is brief. It gets to be a huge battle internally most days. I never knew the intensity of love and being a mother existed at this level.... At times I truly wonder how long I can go on like this... Please know we are not suicidal!!! I would never go against God's plan for me like that. I just wonder how God will keep us going on our own journey in a productive way... Just stay open to Him, is all we can do. And pray for that "strength and peace for that day"...
Love and Hugs to all,,, Monte Ivy Joscelyn, Luke and Dane
Friday, September 19, 2003 4:33 PM CDT Hello to all!
Things are getting progressively easier for us... Dane is sleeping better at night which makes all the difference in the world! He has been sleeping 3-4 hours at a time so at least I can get kind of "good" sleep. And Monte too. I only breastfeed so Daddy doesn't have to get up. Monte still hears us though no matter how quiet I try to be. But since I don't have to be up at a specific time it all works out anyways. We are usually up for the day by 9 am so I am not feeling too guilty about that!
Oh, for those of you who have commented on how good I look after delivery, I will tell you a secret: EPIDURAL!! I won't deliver without it!! To me, the anesthesialogist is the most important person in that delivery room!!
Anyhow, things are definetly more painful emotionally since Dane's arrival. As I said before, his prescence accentuates Luke's absence... Plus in seeing Dane, it brings back all the happy memories of what Luke was like. While joyful, it is like a double edged sword because it is a burning reminder that we'll never be able to touch and see and hear Luke on this earth again. And it is tearing us up.
We KNOW behind a shadow of a doubt that we WILL be with Luke up in heaven and in pure joy. God, through Jesus, has promised us that. It is just the living now that is so painful.
Monte is calling me to get off of here so I will finish more later... Please know we are GRATEFUL and TRULY BLESSED to have Joscelyn and Dane. Each and every child is precious and unique. We are greedy to want it "ALL" I guess... Till later, Monte Ivy Joscelyn Luke and Dane
Wednesday, September 17, 2003 7:15 PM CDT YES, Dane has arrived!!!!!!!!! He was born Sat. the 13th at 10:19pm after a easy delivery. (Thanks for all your prayers!) We are at "home" now> still my parents' for 2 more weeks<. Getting very poor sleep but enjoying Dane's arrival anyhow. I will be writing more as I have time/energy. Know we are all doing fine physically, but emotionally the addition of Dane emphasizes the absence of our Luke... We SOOOOOO wanted to see them get to know and love each other.... Joscelyn is truly in love with Dane and is being a very good and conscientious big sister. I know she is sooo thankful Dane is finally here (as we all are!) Oh, he weighed 8-6 and is 20 1/4" long. Promise to write more later on this week. Truly exhausted/drained. Be sure to check out new pics from the birth. Love and hugs to all! Monte Ivy Joscelyn Luke and Dane
Friday, September 12, 2003 6:39 PM CDT Finally Friday! We have had a busy week getting the house in order (STILL...). Monte has the roof almost complete and is or should be finishing up tomorrow. He drywalled and painted the lower level (fm. room/offc/laundry). We are still waiting on the electrician and also to hear back from our insurance adjuster as to how much the insurance is kicking in for the carpet replacement. There was a debate between the co. that dried it up after the flood and the co. who was contracted to evaluate and replace it. The first one thought it was "ok" whereas the 2nd saw it was delaminated and recc. total replacement. Monte and I want new carpet because it grosses me out knowing how wet it was, incl. the pad. We don't care if it is exactly the same (replacement) we just want new, fresh clean carpet!
Anyhow, I had my OB appt today and Mr. Dane is up to 8-8.5lbs!!! Still techinically 2 weeks to go... So next week (Fri) we are doing another ultrasound (!?!) and will then talk about induction. My OB did exam me and I am dialated 2cm and the cervix is thinned out so things do look promising! She said it wouldn't surprise her to see me in labor & delivery before Friday's appt. but of course one never knows!!! Made me feel a bit better though!
I will let everyone know via this site when Mr. Dane does decide to make his Grand Entry! For now, I am off to do laundry (yippee!) Love and Hugs to all... MOnte Ivy Joscelyn Luke and baby (better be soon) Dane!
Monday, September 8, 2003 6:57 PM CDT Monday again.... And we are still pregnant! Techincally have 20 days left but Dane is pushing his (mine!) limits. We are as ready for him as we can be, although our house isn't. The electrician will be out this week and we made contact with a highly recc. hardwood floor refinisher. Monte has alot of the drywall done (his profession) but we still need the main rooms re-carpeted and trimmed out. Of course all this has to go in a particular order so once again, we wait! God has given us ample practice at that so you would think we were highly gifted at patience> NOT! We just know to save our breath as it won't get us anywhere anyhow!
A new year got underway at church this Sunday. Joscelyn "graduated" to a new class which is a neat thing for her. Monte and I finally got to participate in the class we have been wanting to attend for over a year. It got rescheduled to a later time slot that we could actually make "on time" so there we were! It is full of couples in our age group and led by a wonderful man who used to be my gym teacher (Jr Hi)!!! Our church has 3 full service times so we go to class first then onto worship which is ALWAYS fun and refreshing!! It is sooooooo good to be able to go and feel the awesome prescence of the Holy Spirit moving through the room every week... I pray all of you can find a church that moves and inspires you like this one does. That is truly what Christ had in mind for His people.
I am uploading a new pic of Luke from his church class last fall. He is wearing a wig from one of the teachers and kept it for over a week before we convinced him to give it back. His hair was just returning at that point and I think he thought the wig would speed it along!
Love N blessings to all! Monte Ivy Joscelyn Luke and baby 2 be Dane
Saturday, September 6, 2003 10:04 AM CDT Happy weekend to all!
I went down to Columbus yesterday for our Childhood Cancer Rally at the Statehouse... It was an emotional event as I knew it would be. Joscelyn and I went as Monte had to work. (Most of the Daddies were working!) They had speakers from the political community as well as the area's leading med. directors but it was the speeches the other parents gave which touched us the most. You knew they KNEW exactly what, how and where you are coming from. Their stories are OUR stories.... So although we heard from families whose children had died from their cancer, we also heard from families whose children were winning their fights too. Here is the link to the article if you would like to read it yourself.:www.mansfieldnewsjournal.com/news/stories/20030906/localnews/203820.html
I hope that it works...
Joscelyn and I also stopped by the hospital to visit our favorite nurse Marie P. as well as Dr. O. and Joscelyn's friends in the clubhouse. The clubhouse is staffed by "childlife specialists" who play with the siblings of children undergoing treatment in the hospital. Needless to say Joscelyn grew quite attached to these ladies and vice a versa! So we visited them and then Marie played with Joscelyn while we visited Dr. O up on the same floor where Lukie had spent soooo many days recieving treatment. It wasn't painful as I too have made friends amongst the staff there. More like visiting old friends. Plus, the children hospitalized are soooooooooo strong. They keep going long past when we adults would've caved. There is something special about their little happy faces beneath a bald head that really makes you want to squeeze the love out of them!!!!! I am eternally grateful I was able to be a part of their lives, and hopefully will continue to be.
Monte and I also had grief counseling last night. (BUSY DAY!) It went well, although I think Monte felt he was getting too much "attention" from our therapist! Monte isn't as expressive about his deep feelings so our therapist ends up asking more leading questions so that he can better help Monte "move through" what he is feeling rather than stuffing it back down. Monte comes from a family that doesn't show true emotions and when they do seem to feel them it comes out in a disfunctional manner. So this is all hard on him... Please pray for Monte to stay the course and continue to rest on his faith in God.
I hope you all have a sunny enjoyable weekend, unlike last week! Love Monte & Ivy
Thursday, September 4, 2003 6:54 PM CDT Hello all:
I went to the OB today and baby Dane is still holding his place in the womb... Things are "right on target" according to the dr. but "no surprises" soon I was told... Sigh... See you next week and that was that... I truly am ok with carrying him to term, but as those of you who have been pregnant before can attest: it is those last few weeks where you are uncomfortable no matter WHICH position you are in! I trust in God to send Dane out when it is best for ALL of us!
We are going to a rally at the Statehouse (OH) tomorrow in recognition of September being "Childhood Cancer Awareness" month> NATIONALLY. These rallies will be held all over the country this month to help bring awareness for more research & funding to find a cure. This is the 2nd one I have been to. It helps to connect with other families who are/have gone through the same experiences. There are also your congresspeople there, media, medical field personel, etc. I would encourage anyone to seek out a similiar event in your state/area to help all of us raise awareness. Use the web for info too.
I will post tomorrow hopefully to let you all know how things went. Until then, I am putting up new pics of Joscelyn with her "best friend"> Hope you enjoy! Love, The Ervin's
Wednesday, September 3, 2003 11:49 AM CDT Hello all,
Labor Day passed rather uneventfully for us. Rainy days since Sunday haven't helped much. We were able to do some work on our new home (which we are yet to move into!) But overall things have been quiet. Monte and I are still very sad over losing Luke and it is taking its' toll on us. Everyday we still battle getting up in the mornings. You think you are able to go a day without crying but somehow it happens anyways. We are going back into grief counseling this week which I am sure will help. We know time is going to be the #1 healer, but when you are at this stage time seems like your enemy. Fortunately we are not fighting over things and do seem to bounce the depression back and forth, but it is just hard dealing with other people in addition to ourselves.
We are still at a standstill regarding moving into our new home. For those of you who do not know, we took possession of our new (to us) home July 30th, were just going to be painting it then move in when on Aug. 5th a supply line to the MB toilet broke and flooded 1/2 the upstairs as well as 1/2 the downstairs. It popped off (literally) overnight while we were gone. So now the insurance has ok'd the renovation but the general contractor hasn't gotten back with us yet. Monte is doing the drywall of course but we need the other guy to re-do the electric, trim work, flooring and sub-contract the carpet/hardwood floor refinishing. Sigh....
In the meantime, baby Dane is due at the end of the month, if not before! I am still having Braxton Hicks contractions daily and go to the OB Thurs. for a routine visit. Hoping he will check me to see if I am dialated at all yet... We need SOME good news around here! Dane's impending arrival is really helping to boost our spirits and we know God knew what he was doing in sending us this child. (Well actually God ALWAYS KNOWS what HE is doing!~!) Joscelyn is excited too and has been practicing again with her baby dolls on how to hold and care for a new baby. She is and will be a GREAT big sister!!
Well I will post more as I am able. Thanks to all of you who continue to hold us in your prayers. Love, Monte Ivy and Joscelyn
Sunday, August 31, 2003 10:34 AM CDT We are resting up today... One month since Luke died... So much has already happened, yet sometimes it feels like time has stood still. No matter how you try, time, people and events move you forward. It kind of isn't the passage of time I fear as that only means I am that much closer to being reunited with God and Luke and many others... It is more the "moments" without Luke that hurt. Monte was just saying last night how you can go and do things, but then you realize again that Luke isn't here to share them with... Then you feel "shocked" that you were able to still do them, or that these things occurred. He likened it to maybe what the Vietnam vets felt after returning.. Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. I myself have said I think it will hit me more a long time from now> what I have seen and gone through with Luke. Not that I am consciously putting off grieving now. But I have noticed in myself that things that negatively affected me tend to resurface years later for "no reason"... Guess that may just be how my mind works... Through working with our therapist we have both tried to be conscientious about how we view our circumstances and are aware of the feelings, but I guess when it actually comes down to processing stuff, that is where it is out of our hands. Sorry if it sounds like I am rattling.... Here is hoping for a quiet day for all... Love Ivy, Monte, Joscelyn and Luke & baby2 be Dane
Thursday, August 28, 2003 8:44 PM CDT Hello all! Today was "ultrasound day" at my OB visit. The good news first: Baby Dane is up to between 7-7.5lbs, meaning he has gained over a pound in 2 weeks!!! The bad news: they won't induce me yet! :( I still have 4 weeks to go, so I go back weekly now. If I haven't delivered in 2 more weeks, Debbie (the ultrasound tech) wants to do another sonogram!!! This would make 5 for one pregnancy! Whew... If Dane keeps growing at this rate he could easily be 10lbs by due date> uhhggg!!!!! At least one other good thing was noted though> I lost 1 pound!!! That is one less that I will have to work off at the "Y" next month!
Today was important to me for another reason also.. I was able to sit down and talk with Luke's oncolgist Randy Olshefski. I needed to know for my own knowledge, what exactly I was seeing and why during the last couple of days Luke was with us. ( His death did not occur the way the textbooks had said it would.) So Randy explained what "probably" was going on with the stupid tumor and how it got to that point. Never have Monte and I questioned the medical care or decisions we made. This was more for my peace of mind> Monte wasn't even there because he was satisfied with just knowing it was the tumor that caused the death. (I did too, I just wanted to hear/see "how") Randy has always made himself very open and available to us in so many aspects, going above and beyond what he was "expected" to do. We are sooooooo thankful he has been with us on this journey.
Although what I learned today does not diminish what I saw Luke go through those last few hours, I am more at peace. The not knowing has always been a challenge for me. It is the last few hours that haunt me the most... the uncertainity of Luke's awareness and whether I was being as comforting as he needed me to be. Randy explained that Luke's brain was only operating on the "primitive" brain. He also said that whether it was via smell, touch, however Luke was able to take in comfort, that just his knowing Mommy was there was enough. That makes me rest a bit easier. We just can't wait till we are with Luke in heaven and we are ALL happy and at peace!
Hope you all have a good Labor Day weekend... I will try to post soon again. Love Monte Ivy Joscelyn Luke and baby 2 be Dane
Sunday, August 24, 2003 8:52 PM CDT I finally uploaded new pictures. They are of Luke's calling hours and includes one of him in the casket. So if you are sensitive to this, please be warned. Monte and I needed to have it for our own comfort. As opposed to making us sad, it helps serve as a piece of physical closure for us. We were careful with how we thought Luke would like to be, so we were happy with the outcome. He did truly look "at peace" here too.
This weekend was good for a change. Joscelyn's neighbor friend had a birthday party that we attended, then followed up with their family for a dinner out at the Olive Garden. After that we got to go to a car show which was more fun than I thought it might be. Mainly because Melissa (their mom) and I had a good time people watching and making up stories about the "different" ones! The kids loved racing to every car to see what was special about it... It didn't take much to impress a 4,5 and 8 year old!!!
Baby Dane is getting closer to being here... I have been experiencing "Braxton Hicks" contractions quite regularily and feel like he has "dropped" down to where he should be. Granted, I know this could still be awhile before true labor starts, but at least I am closer to being "done" than not!! I have an OB appt Thursday so I will definetly post the results then.
I did look at pics of Luke last night that one of the photographers gave me (on CD).... Cried and cried... So many of the pics captured Luke's essence and really brought back so many emotions for me. I cried out of happiness, out of silliness, out of gratitude and of course out of heart-brokenness... They make me so grateful that God let Luke live with us for the short time he did. I would do it all over again in a heartbeat.
We'll never forget you Super Luke! Love Mommy, Daddy and Joscelyn
Thursday, August 21, 2003 7:40 PM CDT Hello to all... I just got done completing Luke's life insurance claim form. As if this wasn't unpleasant enough, when I copied Luke's birth certificate I noticed something eerie... The date his birth certificate was filed in our county deptartment was 8-21-00, EXACTLY 3 years ago to the day that I am using it to claim his benefits.... Who would have EVER IMAGINED????? So many "links" appear in one's life when one starts paying attention...
The past couple of days have been "downers" for myself at least. Monte and I unwittingly take turns feeling like this, which in a way is good. I am not sure why these days have been sad ones, but my heart is hurting more again. These feelings are uncontrollable and I am curious as to what exactly provokes them. I am not afraid of the sadness of grieving, but find it "weird" how your mind decides to delve into an emotion unconsciously.
I do miss Lukie terribly... it is still too strong to look directly at (the pain), so I find myself mentally tip-toeing around it, observing it and wondering how the "easiest" way to approach it might be. Monte told me the other day after he had visited the gravesite that he had a strong urge to just dig up Luke, just to be able to hold him again. I asked if it would do to hold his lifeless body, or if he fantasized Luke would be alive? Monte said he knew it was a lifeless body but he was just craving to hold Luke again... That is very similiar to what I am feeling, although I know I would not be satisfied with Luke's lifeless body... It is the warmth, softness and pliability of the skin that I would need. Gee, I hope this isn't too gruesome or weird for you... Sorry!
Joscelyn has been doing well, we have had her friends over the past couple of days to swim at our new house. We still are not in yet and the way insurance claims move, it may be a good month yet :(! But at least we have been able to enjoy the pool which has been quite the blessing on these HOT HUMID days! Baby 2 be Dane has enjoyed Mommy swimming too> he really gets active when I am just floating around!
Well here is praying for continued peace and love from us to you... Love Monte Ivy and Joscelyn....
Tuesday, August 19, 2003 8:54 PM CDT Today I had a surprise visit to my OB... I had gotten a mild shock off our newly installed garbage disposal while running it for the first time! At first I didn't think much of it, then I thought "What about baby Dane??" so I called the office and asked them about it. Well they thought I should be seen, so in I went. At this point I was getting increasingly anxious as baby Dane wasn't moving much... yet I could NOT contemplate "the worst case scenario" for my own mental health's sake.
When I got there they checked for the heartbeat which was normal. Just to be sure, my OB Dr. McMillan, had a "stress test" done to see how the baby reacted. Thank God Dane reacted just the way they wanted him to!!! WHEW!! All this might seem trivial to most people, but when you have been through the battle we have, you take NOTHING for granted! (By the way, yes Monte fixed the disposal!)
As for how we are coping without Luke's presence... Well it is still very much an hour at a time. Joscelyn and I went back out to the gravesite yesterday. We found some white "feathers" that came off of somewhere. I told her maybe they were from the angel taking care of Luke. I think we both needed that explanation. We sat and talked about "remember when Lukie did ____??" and shared alot of laughs. I am glad she is able to recall things on her own. I don't ever want her to forget how much fun they had during his short life. They are only 19mo apart and were very close emotionally. I fear that may not be the same with Dane as there will be nearly a 5 yr gap. Joscelyn is quite excited about Dane's impending arrival, but has mentioned twice now that she "hopes Dane doesn't get a brain cancer"... I try my best to reassure her, but I also need reassurance. We have talked with Dr. Olshefski who said it would be HIGHLY unlikely... Monte's response is always "well so was the chance that Lukie would get it"....
We truly try not to stay in that "place" though. Keep our eyes focused on Jesus is the only way to keep plodding through this mess.
My goal now with this website is to continue to let others know how life CAN and DOES go on, whether we like it or not. Luke's death has not really sunk in yet. That may sound weird to some, but even though I have held his lifeless body, mourned for him during the funeral and first few days and even watched as they prepared to bury my little boy, the actual LIVING alone is so shocking... I really don't think I will comprehend the magnitude of what has just happened to our family for quite some time. I struggle daily with how to "integrate" it with regular activities....
My mind is now numb. Part of it is the "thinking" and part is the actual (night)time that it is. Until later... Love Ivy and family
Saturday, August 16, 2003 8:52 AM CDT Finally some good news is coming our way> We had another ultrasound Friday and baby Dane is "at least 6lbs" at this point! He has LOADS of hair and all looked great to the docs> YIPEE! But, since he is so big and I still technically have 6 weeks to go, they want another ultrasound in 2 weeks to see if the "growth spurt" is still happening or if he has slowed down a bit. If he is still seemingly large then they will probably have me induced a couple of weeks earlier to avoid me delivering a toddler!!! That is fine with me! Both Joscelyn and Luke were 8'3 and 8'14 respectively so I do have bigger babies anyhow. Who knows, but it sure was comforting to see such a happy little boy in there!
I hope you all have been able to see the story our newspaper did on Luke... It is quite the tribute and honor to our Super Lukie! It is on the Mansfield News Journal website. You may have to access the article by going to "past editions" off the local news section. The gallery of 35 photos is on the front page though.
We talk to Luke daily and know he is hearing us... thank all of you who have written inspirational comments on the guestbook or have even emailed us. They keep us going. Much love Monte Ivy Joscelyn and LUke and baby to be Dane
Wednesday, August 13, 2003 7:13 PM CDT I have not been online because my computer came down with that stupid virus you are all hearing about: worm ms_blast! I hope you don't get it> it is a PAIN to deal with... my computer had to go to the shop for 2 days...
Anyhow, life is progressing here irregardless of our 'moods'... Tomorrow marks the end of 2 weeks since Lukie went to heaven.. So many thoughts, it seems we are constantly thinking about him and us even when we appear to be busy. It gets hardest at night and early morning when all else is quiet. You want to scream at your mind to "shut up" just so you too, can be still.
I took Joscelyn to see Lukie's grave yesterday and she was better than I thought she might be. She got real quiet as I held her and just kept looking at the newly made pile of dirt. Then she asked if Luke is happy in heaven and I said "yes, we all will be, He is playing and listening to Jesus and the angels singing, and doesn't have his brain tumor any more!" That seemed to satisfy her. She talks daily about luke, not in a sad way but noting things that they did together, what he liked, and has made different pictures/crafts for him. She voluntarily prays that he is happy with God every night during bedtime prayers too. I am glad she "seems" to be adjusting, but I also know this will be a VERY long road for her too. We all must continue to gingerly take tiny steps even when it seems safe..
Tomorrow Monte and I have an appt. to pick out a monument for our gravesites. We purchased the lots last year upon learning of LUke's prognosis, but could not continue the job. Now is time... We visit the gravesite almost daily, if but for a few minutes. Even though it is truly just Luke's shell there, it is a peaceful, pretty place to be and we can openly talk aloud to him.
Friday (the 15th) our newspaper is publishing an 8 pg supplement on Luke's life/death and how childhood cancer has affected us. You can view it online by typing "Mansfield News Journal" into your search bar. Our family let them follow us around the past 10 months to document LUke's battle so others would know how evil this disease is... not just to us but to EVERYONE... This publication will be just one of the ways GOD MAKES GOOD come of everything. Check out the updated links while you are here also. God Bless, Love, Monte Ivy and Joscelyn
Saturday, August 9, 2003 8:10 PM CDT Well we did a couple of "firsts" yesterday and today... We took Joscelyn to our county fair last evening along with another family of friends... I cried on the way there because Luke loved the animals so much too... It was so so after we got there. Monte and I felt funny only having Joscelyn to "watch". Fortunately our friends are very sensitive to our grief so they helped soften the feelings for us... Tonight we went out to eat after working on the house. That was rough! First we had to ask for a table for 3 instead of 4, then once we were seated (booth)the space left empty beside Joscelyn stabbed us in the heart. It was all we could do to pray before our meal... We knew these would be hard, but the sheer "obviousness" of Luke's absence tears us up.
Tomorrow we go back to church for the first time without Luke. I have already cried thinking how I can make it through the halls surrounding the classrooms and not imagine seeing Luke running to his room or to meet up with Joscelyn... All his classmates will be there and life will go on as "usual" for them, but my baby won't be in there!!!! I am scared already, of breaking down in the very place I should be comforted. I am wishing I could be invisible so no one will see me crying for Luke who isn't "here"... I am not mad or jealous of the other children or at God,.. Just PROFOUNDLY SAD. I know I will be refreshed by worshipping, it is just the coming and going that is scary for me. We haven't yet talked about it, but I am sure Monte will agree...
My heart is aching soooo badly..
Thank you again for all the precious prayers, poems and postings you all have been leaving. Monte and I do feel comfort from them.... Love, Monte Ivy Joscelyn and Luke
Saturday, August 9, 2003 8:10 PM CDT Well we did a couple of "firsts" yesterday and today... We took Joscelyn to our county fair last evening along with another family of friends... I cried on the way there because Luke loved the animals so much too... It was so so after we got there. Monte and I felt funny only having Joscelyn to "watch". Fortunately our friends are very sensitive to our grief so they helped soften the feelings for us... Tonight we went out to eat after working on the house. That was rough! First we had to ask for a table for 3 instead of 4, then once we were seated (booth)the space left empty beside Joscelyn stabbed us in the heart. It was all we could do to pray before our meal... We knew these would be hard, but the sheer "obviousness" of Luke's absence tears us up.
Tomorrow we go back to church for the first time without Luke. I have already cried thinking how I can make it through the halls surrounding the classrooms and not imagine seeing Luke running to his room or to meet up with Joscelyn... All his classmates will be there and life will go on as "usual" for them, but my baby won't be in there!!!! I am scared already, of breaking down in the very place I should be comforted. I am wishing I could be invisible so no one will see me crying for Luke who isn't "here"... I am not mad or jealous of the other children or at God,.. Just PROFOUNDLY SAD. I know I will be refreshed by worshipping, it is just the coming and going that is scary for me. We haven't yet talked about it, but I am sure Monte will agree...
My heart is aching soooo badly..
Thank you again for all the precious prayers, poems and postings you all have been leaving. Monte and I do feel comfort from them.... Love, Monte Ivy Joscelyn and Luke
Saturday, August 9, 2003 8:10 PM CDT Well we did a couple of "firsts" yesterday and today... We took Joscelyn to our county fair last evening along with another family of friends... I cried on the way there because Luke loved the animals so much too... It was so so after we got there. Monte and I felt funny only having Joscelyn to "watch". Fortunately our friends are very sensitive to our grief so they helped soften the feelings for us... Tonight we went out to eat after working on the house. That was rough! First we had to ask for a table for 3 instead of 4, then once we were seated (booth)the space left empty beside Joscelyn stabbed us in the heart. It was all we could do to pray before our meal... We knew these would be hard, but the sheer "obviousness" of Luke's absence tears us up.
Tomorrow we go back to church for the first time without Luke. I have already cried thinking how I can make it through the halls surrounding the classrooms and not imagine seeing Luke running to his room or to meet up with Joscelyn... All his classmates will be there and life will go on as "usual" for them, but my baby won't be in there!!!! I am scared already, of breaking down in the very place I should be comforted. I am wishing I could be invisible so no one will see me crying for Luke who isn't "here"... I am not mad or jealous of the other children or at God,.. Just PROFOUNDLY SAD. I know I will be refreshed by worshipping, it is just the coming and going that is scary for me. We haven't yet talked about it, but I am sure Monte will agree...
My heart is aching soooo badly..
Thank you again for all the precious prayers, poems and postings you all have been leaving. Monte and I do feel comfort from them.... Love, Monte Ivy Joscelyn and Luke
Thursday, August 7, 2003 8:50 PM CDT As many of you have noted, today makes one full week since our beautiful Luke went to Jesus. All of your entries comfort Monte and I, and we do read them frequently for support. So much love and compassion... God is blessing us through you at this time.
We are trying each day to "make the best of it"... But each day we also succumb to the terrible emptiness Lukie's absence brings. The memorial service was very uplifting and full of praise and thanksgiving to God for Luke's life. We try to keep in focus that Luke IS WITH GOD and that we WILL be reunited someday...
It still in many ways has not "sunk in" that he is truly gone... I know time will both heal and wound us with unexpected events and memories. We have resigned ourselves to not try or expect anything anymore, except what is God's will... Anything else is waaaaaaaaaayyyyy too painful.
Thank you all again for your love and prayers, Monte, Ivy Joscelyn and Luke....
Tuesday, August 5, 2003 8:42 PM CDT As I write this entry, I am only too painfully aware that it has been 134 hours since Luke left us here... I am scared of Thursday arriving as that will be one full week without him.,. Part of me feels guilty that I can still eat, get up, pick things up, wash his bedding, sign his announcement cards, etc. I feel like I should be lying with him still, even if it is in the cemetary... Monte feels this too, although for him it is nearly insane. He can go through his day but is very "self-driving" to get sooo much done. He hates to stop as it causes him to think and remember his little buddy is no longer here. We grieve our baby Luke sooooooooooo painfully that we lose our breath when we are in the throes of emotion... Yet deep inside, way deep, we know that he is safe with God. And it continues to be that promise of salvation through Jesus that keeps us here. We KNOW and BELIEVE we are going to be reunited as a family! But the agony of waiting for that to happen is nearly paralyzing. Ohhh, just to hold Lukey again, to smell him, feel his little hand grasping for ours... These are the things that wrench one's heart apart. Our baby boy, who never got to grow old, who loved life and us soooooooooo much. This pain gets UNBEARABLE..... We scream over and over again in our heads, hoping and praying to awaken somehow from this "reality"....
Time is supposed to help heal the pain, if only we could buy chunks of it... One person left this message on our guestbook and it just truly touches our hearts: "Luke has now won his battle against the cancer monster. Unfortunately he had to leave his body to do so" If that was you, we thank you. Simple as it is, Luke HAS WON!!! We just want to be with him (physically) as he celebrates with Jesus....
I will post again as my strength allows. Love Monte, Ivy Joscelyn.............
Saturday, August 2, 2003 9:10 PM CDT It has been over 48 hrs. since our Luke was taken up to heaven. Tomorrow we begin the "public grieving" at the funeral home. Calling hours are 2-4 & 7-9. Monte and I are terrified that when we see Luke again, we will NOT want to let him go.... Yes, it is only his shell he has left behind, but that shell helped Luke to express who he was and how much he loved life and us. We understand it will be "good" for us to be comforted by all who loved Luke, but there is still an extremely HIGH level of anxiety. This is still all soooooooo surreal....
Luke's funeral at our church is Monday. Things should be a tad better there as we will be praising our Lord for Luke's life and our promise of salvation., Please continue to keep our family in your prayers as we walk through the days ahead. Love, the Ervin family
Thursday, July 31, 2003 5:31 PM CDT Our precious son Luke Gabriel died early this morning. He was lying in bed with Mommy as so many nights the past weeks.... He had had a ferocious struggle the last few hours as his tumor had caused unbelievable brain pressure that even morphine wasn't touching. Luke had slipped back into a coma earlier that evening when the pain began. His whole body was contracting from the tumor. He finally left that broken body and went to Jesus a bit after 7am...
We are not up to explaining more. Please access the Mansfield News Journal on Friday and you can read more. (Just type that into your browser) It will list the obituary with all info. Or check the website of Wappner's Funeral Homes, Mansfield Ohio > Lexington-Springmill location for details.
Thank you for all of you prayers, compassion and love.... Luke will always be our own "Super Lukey"....
Wednesday, July 30, 2003 9:21 PM CDT What seemed to be a miracle this morning has turned into another version of the same nightmare... Luke awoke from his coma late last night and was still doing better this morning. His color was coming back and he could minimally respond to us. His breathing was still labored but by mid afternoon that too had calmed.
The tides turned towards dinnertime though. Luke began having severe pains coming from his tumor site. He went from being semi relaxed to clenching his hands in pain, stiffening his entire body and grinding his teeth till his mouth was bleeding. He reacted as though his whole being was under pressure. The hospice nurse came right out but by then his pain was literally uncontrollable. We called our doctor who spoke with both myself and our nurse. He told her to double the morphine and also added "adavan" which helps with easing anxiety while under severe pain. After an hour with minimal relief, Dr. Olshefski wanted Luke's morphine doubled again. Luke was still crying in pain, holding Daddy's hands as though hanging on for his very life. We CANNOT IMAGINE the pain this little boy has had to go through just in the past 48 hours.....
AS I write this, Luke is somewhat relaxed, although still holding Daddy's hands and biting on a washcloth as to not injure himself further. Our nurse had trouble resetting his morphine pump as it was only programmed so high. Consequently she had to call the pharmacy to bring out a new bag of higher concentrated morphine in order to accomodate the increased prescription. We are praying for Luke's swift arrival to heaven, and total release of pain. This has gone on for sooooo long and seems soooo needless... Please pray for a quick passing for Luke... Love The Ervin Family
Tuesday, July 29, 2003 9:48 PM CDT Luke is in a coma as of noon today (Tues). What began as another painful morning for Luke has turned into his final hours. He had been having more breakthrough pains early this morning, and I called hospice @ 9:30am to come out and increase his morphine. Joscelyn and I were sitting right next to him on the couch reading a book when I glanced over at him. His hands had turned blue and his face was pale and grey. I called Monte to come home and then our nurse arrived. Luke began gasping and literally grabbing for air (with his hands). His lungs had filled with moisture/phlegm so he couldn't get all the oxygen in that he needed. This torturous gesturing went on for probably an hour... During that time his doctor was contacted and our pastors came out to be with us. Friends and family filtered in through out the day.
Around noon he finally "relaxed" and we knew the coma had set in. Medically the tumor had herniated his brainstem creating very minimal brain functioning. We still held him, talked to him, telling him to go with Jesus and His angels. We would be alright here, we LOVE him and will be with him soon. Don't fight, let go and be happy with God. He IS our SUPER LUKE and fought the good battle, God is pleased with him and we are sooooo grateful and proud of our Luke.
The rest of the day has been spent constantly holding, loving and just being with Luke. Tonight we are all going to try to get some rest, including Luke. Our doctor and hospice team are amazed that his little heart has continued for nearly 12 hours in this condition. Luke only takes a breath every 2min. (NO LIE) and he turns bluer each moment until that breath comes. We are praying that he passes on to Jesus quietly tonight and ALWAYS KNOWS Mommy and Daddy and everyone LOVE HIM DEARLY....
As time and energy permits, i will be updating this with more info tomorrow. Love to all and God bless, Monte Ivy Joscelyn and Luke and baby-2-B Dane
Monday, July 28, 2003 10:32 PM CDT We have had a very bumpy road again the past 24 hrs. Basically Luke is as medicated via morphine as we can make him.... Hospice has been out 3 times today and his dose has been tripled what we were at a day ago. The nurse just left as I am writing this entry.
I will post more in detail tomorrow. Totally exhausted and utterly drained from watching that STUPID tumor push the life out of our son slowly but surely. Monte and Ivy
Sunday, July 27, 2003 8:57 PM CDT Luke has had a very painful time since last night. We had to have the nurse come out in the wee early am to up his dose by .2 then again this afternoon by another .2. He woke up at 2;46AM last night crying/screaming, literally trying to crawl out of his skin from the pain in his head. I gave him extra meds. and just held him as close to me as I could until the pain passed. THis went on until 5:30ish when we decided to get ahold of hospice again. Finally all of us were able to go back to sleep around 7:30am...just when we normally would be getting up! Actually Joscelyn stayed up and went to church with my parents which she really looks forward to!
Monte and I are just getting so mentally/emotionally drained by this whole experience. One on hand we are grateful for having extra time with Luke, yet on the other hand, we are tired of seeing him suffering sooo long and hard. He hasn't eaten in 9 days and only takes a few oz., of juice a day... His little body just won't give in even though it is facing insurmountable pain. He isn't getting better, just hovering in this ugly transitional state of being...
It is late already so I will go. Not much new to say that hasn't already been said I guess... Love The Ervin family
Saturday, July 26, 2003 9:24 PM CDT Another happily quiet day! Luke only had one "bad" episode where the pain overcame his little body. I had taken him for a walk this evening in his stroller and when we were quite a distance from the house, the pain kicked in. Since I am 8 months pregnant, I really didn't want to carry him all the way back home, but I did. I had to I figure. His little body contorts and it is alot easier if he can bend forward on our shoulder until the pain subsides. So there went Mommy and Luke along with a stroller dragging behind hurrying back to the house. We both "fell out" when we got inside and after about 20min the pain went away. Fortunately it was close to bed time so Luke fell back asleep and seemed at peace.
We did not need the hospice nurse out today (yeah!). But she called anyhow just to check on us. They really are a wonderful bunch here in town! Anyhow, I asked her how long Luke can go without food and only minimal liquids and she admitted to being surprised that he is still here. He is showing signs of kidney failure too., She told me kids can not usually go as long as an adult without food/water but Luke somehow manages to nix everyone's predictions. "Obviously it isn't yet his time" she told me. How true, how true.... He is still quite aware of his surroundings and happenings, but is physically a prisoner in his little body at this point.
Well here is to another good night... Love and blessings until tomorrow... Monte Ivy Joscelyn and LUke
Friday, July 25, 2003 8:46 PM CDT Today was a happily uneventful day. Luke did have his morphine increased in the morning, but he rested well the remainder of the day. We have been home for 10 days now... Alot of it seems as if time has frozen, only barely passing with each subtle difference in Luke's condition. Very very slow... At least Luke may once again surpass a prognosis of time. We were told 3,5,7,10, maybe 2 weeks when we left the hospital on the 15th. He is such a fighter though.
Monte and I have told him it is ok for him to go live with Jesus, that HE will make him all better and they will have lots of happy feelings, love and playtime things to do. Plus Daddy and Mommy and all the rest of the family will be there real quick... We just don't want him to be afraid to go. We are still very open to a miracle of healing, but want to do our best for Luke if that is not to be.
Here is hoping for another peaceful night. Last night was kind of restless so Mommy didn't sleep too well. He seems more at rest tonight. God bless you all, Love the Ervin's
Thursday, July 24, 2003 9:01 PM CDT As I write this entry, Joscelyn and Luke are intently watching "Batman & Scooby-Doo" battle some pretend ghost villian! Luke LOVES both those characters and he is trying so hard to stay focused on the show. I think it is quite hard, between the tumor and the morphine but he really wants to see it. Joscelyn went with a neighbor to the library and picked the video out specifically for Luke because she knows how much he likes them! She is truly trying in her own way to care for her baby brother... I am so thankful she is not mean or bitter about the changes lately in the house due to Luke's condition. Joscelyn truly has been through soooo much already at 4 yrs old....
Today was ok for Luke> we did have his morphine upped a level again. He has had several "breakthrough pains" that were quite severe, and that was WITH the morphine! I cannot imagine how painful those must really be... His poor head totally engulfed by that greedy monster. I can't think about that stupid tumor in detail because the pure wastefulness of it's existence is maddening. It is there for NO REASON and will die itself once it outgrows Luke's little head, causing his death. Truly a WASTE of tissue!!!!!
Last night again was peaceful and we eagerly hope tonight is too. I know sleeping with him helps us both to be more calm as we are right there for each other. The "need" goes both ways... Luke is sleeping 90% of the day too, awakening at brief intervals. This is part of the decline. We always have someone right there next to him though, just in case he needs us. How horrible it would be to wake up and not have Mommy or Daddy there, not being able to yell for them either...
Well we must be off to bed. Love and Blessings to you all. Love Monte Ivy Joscelyn and Luke and baby-2-B Dane
Wednesday, July 23, 2003 8:48 PM CDT Last night was wonderful!! Luke slept through easily and at morning, he looked like his old self again! No grimacing or crying... all those little things we take for granted. Go peek at your children when they are sleeping and see true peace, it melts your heart.
We did not have to up the morphine today (WOW!) although that doesn't mean we won't tomorrow. Luke's nurse came out and did his vitals. The respirations were down again (8 per minute) but the real tell-tale sign is the heartbeat which was down to 56 bpm. The place the tumor is overtaking is where vital functions such as heart rate are controlled. So this indicates more pressure = obvious decline.
Luke was so quiet, sleeping and still today that I put in a call to Dr. Olshefski to have him remind me exactly what to look for in the coma state. He has told us several times but is patient enough (and gracious) to ask/tell us what to watch for. (again!) To him, it sounded like Luke was on his way in that direction, but of course only God knows the true timetable for any of us.
So we are praying again for another peaceful night. YOUR PRAYERS FOR PEACE AND COMFORT ARE WORKING, PLEASE DO NOT GIVE UP!!! We are grateful for any and all the support each of you sends for Luke. May God bless each of you for that... Love, Monte Ivy Joscelyn and Luke
Tuesday, July 22, 2003 8:04 PM CDT Luke had another restless night (sigh...) Hospice came out again and we upped his morphine. This is sounding quite repetitive, isn't it?? The goal is to keep ahead of his pain which is becoming severe when it does occur. He has general pressure pain all the time, but occasionally it seizes his whole body. Luke contorts from head to toe with his head thrown back, arching his poor spine into a "C" formation.... That is the most painful thing to watch because you KNOW it is very very intense and all we can do is give him a bolus of morphine which still takes a bit of time to kick in...
He did drink today> some orange juice and water too. Only about 6oz but that is alot at this point. It seems like we are taking 1 step forward, 2 steps back each day. The nurse observed his pulse to only be at 60 bpm again, and still irregular breathing along with apnea.. I spoke with DR. Olshefski today and he said the morphine definetly causes respiratory suppression (which we knew) but that the tumor is the culprit of the low heartbeat. Luke has obviously lost weight and his voice is weaker each day, even after wetting it with fluids.... THIS IS TRUE AGONY to watch/wait while he hangs on....
I must go back to him now... God bless you all. Love, The Ervin Family
Monday, July 21, 2003 8:37 PM CDT Today was better for Luke... he slept better and was not bothered by pain as much today. We had had his morphine increased twice Sunday. It seems to be a a good rate, at least for last night and today. He still hasn't eaten and barely drinks but at least he isn't flinching in pain every 10-15 minutes.
We had alot of company today, including a scheduled visit from one of the funeral directors who will be handling Luke's service. We requested he come to the house as we still aren't up to doing the actual funeral home visit. He was a young man, very patient and caring and really made things simple for us. I was afraid it would involve all these complicated decisions but fortunately he was aware of Luke's story and broke things down to "funerals for dummies" style! So we ended the meeting feeling alot more comfortable with our choices than I thought we would be.
Luke is really not responding too well to other company and I can see it is wearing on Joscelyn. Everytime she comes in from playing with her friends there seems to be someone else at the house, which I think is quite draining for her... Plus seeing the anxiety on people's faces and the tones of conversation only add to her confusion. But we are grateful for those who try to help and express their concern. Luke is just literally wearing down and just simply doesn't have the energy to interact...
Well we are hoping for a peaceful night again...Praying for all to feel God's grace and mercy. Love The Ervin Family
Sunday, July 20, 2003 9:20 PM CDT This is not going well... Luke has still is having pain a couple times an hour. It makes him arch his back (they call this posturing)cry out and breathe like he is panting. He is breathing very sporadically, one or two breaths in, hold for 10-15secs., exhale... This alone is very scary to watch. He has lost enough weight that his tummy looks sunken and his little hips are 'right there'... Luke hasn't eaten in several days and the small amount he drinks is barely enough to keep him hydrated (if that)...
The hospice nurses seem to think it "won't be long" but to sit here, holding him, listening and watching, every minute turns into an eternity. For brief moments, I have to really concentrate to remember what he was looking/acting like only 2 weeks ago.... So full of joy, having fun with his birthday gifts, learning to ride a big boy bike that will never go for him... He had learned a silly poem from his Papa Hahn and got so much happiness at reciting it over and over for whoever would listen! He loved to be called "Super Man!" and he liked to tease Daddy by calling him "super doink!"... He always loved making people laugh and could be so coy about doing it.. I think he picked that trait up from his "drama queen" sister Joscelyn!..
anyhow, the road ahead is still full of jagged rocks, sharp glass and hot coals... All we are asking for is mercy and continued strength from our Lord...
In His name, Monte Ivy Joscelyn and LUke
Sunday, July 20, 2003 1:07 PM CDT Luke had a slightly better night... I found using a "Boppy pillow" helped adjust him so he can position himself more comfortably. Daddy slept better as he had the whole bed to himself> I slept next to Luke so he wouldn't wake up everyone. That way I can "dose" him as needed without getting up myself!
We did have the hospice nurse visit this morning and she upped his morphine again to .8. His max dose is 1.5ml so we are halfway there... She observed his heartbeat to be @60 beats per minute (100-120 is normal) and his respiratory rate is VERY sporadic. He still has some "breakthrough pain" too. All of this points to increased pressure from the tumor which is slowly squeezing the life out of our son. Luke is aware of his surroundings, people and what is happening which is good for Monte and I. We know he could be slipping into that coma soon though, but we have been told that your hearing is the last to go so to keep talking with him.
Monte and Joscelyn did go to church this morning, which was good for them. I spent the morning holding Luke and talking about all the happy times/things we did together. It was VERY difficult, but also happy as I know certain things were really important to his memories and positive outlook. If that makes sense..??...
All is quiet today so I will pray for a continuance of the same... God bless ALL OF YOU. Love Monte Ivy Joscelyn and Luke and baby-to-be Dane
Saturday, July 19, 2003 1:30 PM CDT Sorry we didn't post Friday. Luke is still doing the same pretty much. Meaning he is still on morphine/diamox and still fighting intermitten pain... We did have the morphine adjusted twice since Thurs. so it is at a stronger level and we can bolus him more frequently too, to help abate the pain. Unfortunately he is still quite restless at night, not being able to truly stay comfortable for long. Of course that means Mommy and Daddy don't rest well either (as though we could!)
Yesterday and today so far have been spent with Monte and I trying to play "catch up" on the necessities of life> bill paying, laundry, cleaning, etc... That is when we aren't taking turns holding LUke or doing a project with Joscelyn... Needless to say we are getting exhausted from it all. Somehow (without caffeine!) we are making it, just "lying low" I like to say.
Today marks a week since we were admitted to the hospital. Another week in hell I say. Luke is soooo lucky to be going on soon to heaven with Jesus!! We tell him we will be there soon, but to our stupid human existence, we doubt it will be soon enough to suit us. I know God has many other plans and riches and blessings for Monte Joscelyn and I, but they all seem to pale in comparison with living eternity with our Father...
One good note, I did have my regular O.B. appt yesterday and baby Dane seems to be fine. I have felt ok physically all along, but have had several reputable opinions suggest I check in just to be sure. So all is well with Dane! whew!! Still due in 10 weeks so I pray it goes quickly.
Again, thanks to ALL who have called, sent cards, balloons, goodies, visited, etc.... Your love and support makes a TREMENDOUS difference, I promise you. We love you all.....Monte Ivy Joscelyn Luke & baby-to-be Dane.
Thursday, July 17, 2003 9:23 PM CDT Today was a bit better than yesterday for Luke. He drank about 6 ounces of orange juice and stayed awake longer than he had yesterday. Joscelyn actually had him laughing this morning too when she and our dog Duke were playing catch. The tennis ball kept rolling under the sofa so she and Duke had to scramble to reach it and Luke thought they looked sooooo silly!!! That really made our day to hear his giggle again!
We did have to have the hospice nurse come out to increase his morphene this evening. He just couldn't get comfortable from late afternoon on. I was told this was to be expected, that the dosage would slowly need to be increased. He isn't so doped up that he is in a daze, just enough to let him enjoy his awakefulness without experiencing any pain.
Our pastors are meeting tomorrow (Fri) am to put together the church service for Luke... This is something Monte and I have specific ideas on, in order to lift up not only LUke, but to draw praise and thanksgiving to God. We feel more comfortable having it pre=planned so that all involved know who will be doing what. That part is not so anxiety creating for us as it is in the Lord's House. We still haven't contacted the funeral home we want to use though. THAT is the intimidating part... Monte and I know we will be doing that soon, as neither one of us want to make "those" decisions when we are in total grief/shock.
Sigh,,, as I am writing this we have once again asked the hospice nurse to come back out. Luke is still crying in pain, his little face grimacing with every subtle movement... this is the part that wrenches your heart and tears at your very fiber. Not being able to take away your baby's pain, knowing that it is the most severe pain a human feels... THIS is what we need prayers for.
I will write more tomorrow. I am hoping we can still have a good night, if we can get his meds. adjusted for him... His little head is sooo filled with that monster... I can't believe such things exist... for what??? for what!??
Wednesday, July 16, 2003 1:22 PM CDT We arrived home last evening to stay. Luke was sleepy but we could tell he was glad to be back. Hospice care was waiting to hook him back up to the morphene pump and also to go over their care procedures. Lots of friends stopped by too which was comforting to Monte and I.
Surprisingly, it was not as sad and scary leaving the hospital as I had thought it could be. The entire staff at Children's (in Columbus) is truly caring/compassionate towards their patients. So instead of leaving a "hospital" it was more like leaving friends who were there when things were darkest. We have all established friendships with a variety of people who work there so we know we can still turn to them for the good times when all of this is past... God has been able to bless that place...
AS for now, Monte and I are trying to care for Luke as well as providing fun and "normalcy" for Joscelyn. Luke is sleeping 80% of the time and when awake he is not energetic. The tumor progression is happening quickly, we can tell.. The morphene is helping keep him pain free though. We have been told what to expect in Luke (physically) the next couple of days, so we are attending to all of our spiritual and emotional needs as best we can. We want to say THANK YOU to all who have posted such kind, symmpathetic letters on the guestbook, as well as those who have emailed us personally. We print/copy all of them to help bolster our spirits when God does seem far away. (I like to imagine He is busy helping someone else who needs Him more!)
We will keep posting daily so you can all be aware of Luke's condition. Your prayers ARE working, never doubt that. Monte and I both have talked about the peacefulness that is surrounding us...
Love, The Ervin Family
Monday, July 14, 2003 8:31 PM CDT As we thought, today we heard.... Luke's tumor has indeed grown past the proverbial line of no return. Medically all we can do is offer him pain meds. Emotionally and spiritually our job is far from over. Luke knows and believes in the Lord and has already mentioned several times that "Jesus lives far away" and that he is "happy" to go to live with him. God has been blessing us soooo much throughout Luke's illness. Monte and I live with no regrets in how we have handled things, except for the fact that we greedily want for more time. NO TIME is ever good just as NO EXCUSE would ever be good enough in answer to why your child has suffered. We try not to let those negative thoughts grow in our heads...
Tomorrow we will go home with Luke. We have been told it could be 3-10 days, give or take a few days. In other words, live with what we have NOW. We will be ensuring Luke feels our love and knows he will FOREVER BE A PART OF OUR FAMILY. He will NEVER be replaced nor forgotten but will live in our hearts as we try to continue on the paths God has chosen for us. We will honor him by letting others know he WAS HERE and LOVED life and the Lord.
Please pray for God's continued strength and love to surround us. There is still a very dark and ugly valley to pass through yet....
Love Monte Ivy Joscelyn and LUke and baby to be, Dane Michael
Sunday, July 13, 2003 7:47 PM CDT We had a quiet disconcerting day in the hospital. Luke is as comfortable as is possible at this point, being on morphene (IV) and 2 diff. steroids to relieve brain compression. He was grumpy from the side effects from the steroids, and rather groggy mostly but still cute and adorable.....
Praise God for all the family and friends whom have rallied behind him and us.... We are very blessed and comforted by them.
Monday we are speaking with the head neurosurgeon here, (Dr. Edward Kosnik) and of course Luke's dr. Randy Olshefski. They will give us their "opinion" as to what can be done and what will happen soon. Medically we have been led to believe there are no more options. Monte and I do not want to prolong Luke's suffering either. It is too painful watching him fight with himself and also to keep fighting the stupid tumor.... He is tired...Jesus will comfort him and HE is the Great Physician....
I will post as we learn more.... Please continue to hold Luke up in prayer....Love, the Ervin Family
Saturday, July 12, 2003 7:35 PM CDT Today we recieved AWFUL NEWS... Luke's tumor has grown so much that he may or may not make it through the weekend.... Monte and I brought him down to Columbus Children's Hospital this am. at 9 because he has had such awful headaches with no relief. After a CT scan was run we learned he indeed did have hydrocephalus. We thought we could just have a shunt put in and be on our way. Unfortunately since the tumor has grown so much around the brainstem also, we learned that surgically implanting a shunt for the ventricular fluid may not provide much relief as once thought. His pain is also coming from his brainstem being compressed. We are admitted so that a morphine drip may be administered and so that mannitol and steriods may be given. Our ped. neurologist and oncolgist are due in Monday so we will go over in depth what to expect. Provided Luke is still with us.... Please pray and ask God to send Luke comfort and all of us strength. We are at a point of "no return" without a miracle of God....Love, Monte Ivy Joscelyn and Luke
Friday, July 11, 2003 12:22 AM CDT Hello to all...
We were advised to start Luke on Tylenol with Codeine Wed. as his headaches are increasing in frequency and severity. He had his first dose late yesterday and it did ok for a few hrs. before making him sick to his stomach. We need to be sure he has food in his tummy before dosing him again. He is now having headaches in the early morning (prior to waking) hours, and during the day as well. We are going to try to keep him on reg. Tylenol while he is up during the day, saving the codeine for evening. Hopefully this will work out.
Our dr. returns Monday so I plan on having a more in-depth conversation with him then. (He's been on vac. this week, but we've been in contact). I know we have diff. options open to us depending on how quickly the tumor progresses. Monte and I still plan on just making sure Luke stays comfortable, unless a REAL GOOD plan in given to us... We'll learn about time frames and such Monday. Please keep us in your prayers... Love, the Ervin's
Wednesday, July 9, 2003 9:44 PM CDT Luke had a great night last night, but by mid-morning was crying out in pain from that stupid tumor. I gave him more reg. Tylenol but it didn't seem to do the trick for an hour and a half.... Finally he relaxed around 1'ish... I was hoping that he would also nap, but that didn't happen till 4:00! He played outside when he got to feeling better, but complained his head hurt in the late afternoon again too (before he napped)... His dr. Randy Olshefski emailed me and said we need to start him on Tylenol with Codiene (sp?).... I was grateful to hear from Randy as he and his family are on vacation (Much needed I am sure!!!) Yet he took time to check in with us. I just wish we didn't have to "go there".... When he gets back to work Monday we will see if there is any other area to check into. (To keep Luke comfortable) When Luke is not in pain he is just his happy spunky ol' self, so it is literally an up and down situation....
I am posting a few of the pics we got from his birthday on the photo page... hope you enjoy! Love Ivy
Tuesday, July 8, 2003 8:36 PM CDT WHEW! WE finally made it through Luke's 3rd birthday!! Praise God we were able to celebrate it with Luke!!!!! The party Sunday evening went very well. We had cake, ice cream, lots of treats and (most important) alot of friends and family were able to be there!!! I have pics coming so I will post them as soon as I am able.
A fan of Luke's sent him a firetruck shaped pinata stuffed with lots of candy and trinkets for the kids. (thanks Jeanine!) It was sooo hilarious watching the kids try to break into it> my daughter Joscelyn whacked it so hard the string broke then they just pounded on it while it was on the ground! Finally their hard work paid off> Treats galore!!!! Jeanine and her family live in NYC, so I jokingly pointed out that they (New Yorkers) are obviously building their firetrucks alot stronger these days!!!! But anyhow, we had @11 kids who took home full goody bags!
Luke was inundated it seemed with gifts but he was really taken with several ones> Hulk toys, Batman toy and a BibleMan cape and mask which he insisted on sleeping in that night! Luke has really become fascinated with the "super heroes" thing, which is ok by us. I figure if it makes him feel stronger and more invincible, so be it.. We need all the little things we can get to continue to fight the "tumor monster"!!
Today for his birthday we went swimming (again) and he played with the boys down the street a while too. A good portion of the day he spent playing by himself with the new toys too. Luke is very good at amusing himself whereas Joscelyn has always been more people oriented. So he tried out all the Batman and Hulk paraphenalia as well as other toys this afternoon. No favs. yet, except for his Bible man cape and Super Man pjs! Oh, we did luck out with his cake> He chose a Superman cake instead of Hulk (whew!)
I have OODLES of thank you's to write so I must move along! Will post more soon. God bless everyone reading this. We love you!!! Monte Ivy Joscelyn and LUke
Sunday, July 6, 2003 3:29 PM CDT Praise God!! Luke did not have ANY headaches last night!!! Monte and I did give him Tylenol before bedtime, so we don't know if that is why or ????? Anyhow, he woke up happy as could be and that is exactly what we prayed for!!
We are having his Big 3 yr. party this evening, so I will post more then. Actually, probably tomorrow! Much love to all of you for praying with us!!! Monte and Ivy
Saturday, July 5, 2003 10:45 AM CDT Last night we had a real rough one... Luke awoke at 5am crying out in pain. His tumor is creating more and more pressure on the back of his head resulting in pain. It seems to be localized so no need for a shunt to be placed. We have been told to just give him Tylenol and help him relax.
Last night was unusual because of the length of time and severity of the pain. Most mornings he cries out briefly from pain, but tends to fall back asleep quickly. Today, he cried harder and harder moaned heavily too... It was truly AWFUL! I held him in bed for a little while then Monte had to walk him around until the Tylenol kicked in.. You could really tell it was hurting him bad this time. Finally after about 30 min. he did relax and fall asleep for another 4 hrs. Then when he wakes up again for the day, he is usually fine.
Monte and I spent the morning crying and agonizing over the situation... Luke has shown such definite personality traits and developed such strong characteristics that it is MORE painful than last year seeing him go through this. For the first time, I actually wished I could confront the tumor physically and "knock it to smithereens, slice it up and send it way far away"... I have always "intellectuallized" it and now that I am seeing more obvious symptoms appear it is like the tumor is growing more physically real too. I am SO ANGRY!!! These stupid tumors do not even do anything productive for themselves> they are just in there growing, taking up precious space with no future of their own. In the process they are taking our beautiful son's future as well as robbing all of us of that future too. No Super Luke for Joscelyn to grow up with, no fishing buddy for Daddy and no baby boy hugs and unconditional love for Mommy... It is soooooooooo hard to keep your head up during these times. And the real kicker is that his birthday party is tomorrow, yet this month also marks the "average" time a patient lives past diagnosis with these tumors before the tumor "wins"....at least here on earth.
The ONLY thing that keeps us going is KNOWING that Jesus IS WITH US while we are down here in the valley. And He does not want us or Luke to suffer. Jesus will keep us all safe somehow and will provide strength to continue. Please pray for Luke... Love, Monte and Ivy, Joscelyn and Luke, and baby to be Dane (due in late Sept)
Tuesday, July 1, 2003 12:02 AM CDT We are in the middle of our stay with my parents now... It hasn't been bad but it will feel soooooooo much better to get into our own space again! Of course, Monte's work (construction) is in full swing now so we are a bit unsure how we will work through the actual move. Somehow it will manage itself...
Luke's party is coming together well too. We are having it in a small neighboring town's park. It is the only park in the area that not only has covered picnic areas but also covered play areas for the kids. Which is a MUST if it decides to rain! He is very much looking forward to it as we all are! Monte picked him up a "big boy bike"> his first 2 wheeler! Now we have to find him a helmet to match.... Wouldn't want to give a head injury to a child with a brain tumor now!! Boy, would our dr. flip!!! Monte also plans on getting Luke his own fishing rod (child-size). Luke LOVES checking out Daddy's tackle box!
I took him to look over cake designs today and Luke has changed his mind... Instead of a cute Elmo cake, he thinks he wants a Hulk cake! I am certainly not too enthused about eating a green-iced cake... Luke hasn't seen the movie (too violent/angry) but he thinks the Hulk looks cool... Sigh,, that is a boy for you!! I am hoping to change his mind by Friday when we have to order it!
I am posting new pics on the photos page if you want to take a look. Until next time, Many blessings! Love Monte and Ivy
Friday, June 27, 2003 9:11 PM CDT Another happily uneventful day!! Monte and I have been planning for Luke's 3rd birthday which is coming up... We checked out a couple of public parks and decided on one today. In many ways, it is kind of surreal to be planning and celebrating his birthday, as we were told he probably wouldn't be with us after January.... Just another example of "God being in control"; not us!! We really want this one to be special too, but I was so emotionally drained after his one last year that it is slightly hard to decipher the right amount of "enthusiasm" to put into it. My heart tells me it isn't his last, yet statistically Luke is living against pretty steep odds.. Trying to balance our "reality" with God's "true" reality gets blurry at times. We stay focused on being the best parents we can for Luke and always keep Jesus and God's love for us in the forefront of what we are doing. Constant blocking of those negative thoughts.
Anyhow, Luke's birthday is actually July 8th, but we are celebrating it Sunday July 6th as more people will be able to come. Plus my mother's 70th is July 7th so we are making it into a double celebration. She is also battling a 2+ yr battle against breast cancer. So it will be a "Happy Birthday,& Beat the Cancer" party!!! Luke and she are soooo close emotionally... It is neat to see them together.
Luke has already specified that he wants "a white Elmo cake", and a Batman or Bibleman umbrella (I don't know why!?) Does anyone know where I could get one of those??? He had a regular blue umbrella this spring which he broke, but for some reason he is fascinated with them. Go figure!!
Well I will be back soon with our "weekend follies"!!
Tuesday, June 24, 2003 8:11 PM CDT Today we went swimming again> did that yesterday too. Actually I soaked while Luke splashed and Joscelyn practiced her underwater abilities in the baby pool. We are members at the area Y here in town and the Y took over running our city pools (good thing!). So that gives us "free" membership at any of those pools! This has been a good thing this week as temps are actually in the 80's FINALLY!!
Monte and I have needed a break for quite some time. We are in the process of moving into a new home which won't be ready till July 12th.... So until then we are "camping out" at my parents'. Joscelyn and Luke are in heaven as they totally adore Mama and Papa Hahn. This goes both ways too, as Joscelyn and Luke are my parents only grandkids. (Mom and Dad are in their 70;s) We are so grateful that we had this place to stay for a few weeks! But (of course) we will be happier once our new home becomes available!!!
As the moving process has been physically/mentally draining, monitering Luke's health has been emotionally exhaustive too. Since he has been "stable and good" for so long now, it kind of weighs upon our minds that we are closer to "bad" stuff rather than good stuff. But then we know that those negative thoughts on their own carry their own "power" so we try to stay focused on the present> Luke IS DOING WELL and GOD IS GOOD, NO MATTER WHAT!!
Luke truly is a little walking miracle in SOOOOO many ways! God has blessed us through him time after time. And Joscelyn too...What an experience she has gone through too! She prays everyday for "Lukie's brain cancer to go away Lord.." One of the most pointed scenes I recall is when she was playing with her baby dolls and I overheard her tell some of them that "this baby has a brain tumor in her head".... She has done so well handling things, especially because so many times she would have an excuse to be jealous of all the attention Luke gets. But overall she is VERY protective of her little brother. We pray she stays that way yet still understands how important SHE is in our lives too.
Well this is enough for now. We are getting Luke's 3rd Birthday pictures done tomorrow> YIPPEEE!!!!!!!!! It was nearly a year ago we were given the prognosis of 3-6 months left with Luke... PRAISE GOD for HIS miracles and gifts!!!!!!!!!! Blessings to all :) Ivy
Monday, June 23, 2003 10:07pm EST This page has just been created. Please check back for additional updates.
Luke is currently doing well, despite the nasty tumor growth we learned of May 16th. His tumor appeared to have grown in all directions yet God has blessed him by protecting him from further symptoms. Luke still has his head tilt which got us diagnosed 2\28\02. He has recently experienced intermitten headaches but nothing that Tylenol won't "cure". I will be updating this more often, so please check back. (It is late tonight!)
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