History

Friday, November 20, 2009 6:49 PM CST

Getting all psyched up for the 2009 WVMC.FM Luke's Legacy Toy Drive which kicks off Saturday, November 28th at the Richland Mall!! Josh (the station mgr) will be there with the radio's SUV to be filled up- we are so excited because this year the benefactor has changed. This year the decision was made to keep the donations local, so we are donating all the toys to the "Pediatric Toy Closet" at MedCentral Health Systems here in Mansfield & Shelby Ohio! They are our local hospital and have been trying to expand their pediatric services for our area. We felt like this is a win-win situation & feel people will be responsive to it as well. Luke actually had his first MRI right here at MedCentral Mansfield on Feb. 28th, 2002... it was here that his brain tumor was discovered (but not diagnosed) as we were immediately sent to Columbus to meet with their head pediatric neurosurgeon w/in 2 hours.

Things are still fine, but extremely busy with our family. Monte is still working, God keeps sending him job after job which in itself is miraculous considering his employment was based on NEW construction & that has amounted to only 1 home in our area this entire year! It's all about remodels & painting & insulating... I am in clinicals as part of my RN degree- only 6 more quarters till graduation! Joscelyn is in 5th grade & picked up the saxophone this year which is very entertaining~ Dane started full day kindergarten & is excelling both academically & with adjusting to a new school/friends. Autumn is still at the same preschool with the same teacher & friends but she's grown soooo much too- 4 yrs old already!! It's all moving along fast (most days) but we all enjoy life & what God provides for us.

Hope you all have a blessed Christmas & prosperous New Year! Love to all~
Miss You Luke Gabriel!!! We Miss You Luke Gabriel! We Miss You Luke Gabriel!

Check out the WVMC.FM website link below to learn more!

Saturday, August 29, 2009 1:51 PM CDT

Ok, here I go w/posting #2 today!!! Grrrr.... I hate when I spend time updating only for it to become lost in cyberspace when I log out!! SIGH....

What I tried to share about today was regarding a surprising find that occurred this summer. I am an avid reader, especially of autobiographies/biographies & other NON-fiction works. I found myself deeply moved while reading "Resilience" by Elizabeth Edwards. Yes, the same Elizabeth Edwards who is married to Senator John Edwards. When I picked up her book I didn't really know anything about her or her husband (seriously! I vote republican folks, so sue me!)LOL- jk

Anyhow, during the read, I discovered that prior to her own battle w/cancer & a philandering husband, she & John experienced the tragic, unexpected death of their 16yr old son, Wade. He died in a freak auto accident in 1996 when his Jeep Cherokee rolled over (remember the high-rollover incidents?) Elizabeth credits her online support group for helping her move through grief since Wade's death. One of her friends, Phil Lister, wrote a poem that I want to share. He wrote it after his daughter died at the age of 6 from leukemia. It is a perfect response from a bereaved parent when asked the common question all parents face on a regular basis: "How old are your kids?" I have adapted it to my own situation concerning Luke.

DEATH PLUS TIME
how old is he?
I don't know what to say
don't know how to add
three years alive plus six years dead
three plus six
is usually nine but not now
three maybe
three plus six is three
in a year three plus seven will be three
or three plus six is none

I can't describe any clearer the staggering confusion that descends on your mind when asked that. But I'll never deny or forget Lukie...

To those of you still reading, & that is YOU, we send our love & gratefulness.

Monte, Ivy, Joscelyn, Dane, Autumn, & forever remembering Luke

Wednesday, July 29, 2009 7:39 PM CDT

Nearly 6 years (July 31)
Luke is still dead yet pediatric cancer is continuing to thrive...
Still no cure, or anywhere close.
More kids to follow on Caringbridge
More prayers for healing, strength, and peace for down-trodden families.
But my hope lies in the Lord
God is faithful and just
He will keep His promises
We WILL hold Luke again
And our family circle will be rejoined

Wednesday, July 29, 2009 7:39 PM CDT

Thursday, June 25, 2009 2:15 PM CDT

I am sooooooooooo bad about updating this anymore! For those of you who are still following us, I am on Facebook as Ivy Hahn Ervin and do keep updated on it. (Yes, I am semi-addicted to that now!)

I simply do not get on here as much because it reminds me of so much that I've lost with Luke's death. This website has certainly helped to comfort me through the years, but now it just seems to keep me stuck in the past. Which is filled with alot of pain about the circumstances of Luke's life. I miss that boy so awful bad!!!!!!!

It will be 6 years at the end of July that he's been dead. Such a sickening thing... He would be celebrating his 9th birthday if he'd been alive on July 8th. And it just hurts to see the other 3 kids growing, learning, being happy & to know Luke won't be here to share in it himself! Actually pisses me off greatly, if the truth be known. I have alot of anger over the whole thing, & the fall-out since. Only other bereaved parents can even get a glimpse of what I am talking about. It is absolutely crazy to see how much is affected by childhood cancer. And our experience was relatively short in the scope of things. Many families fight years against the beast. So terribly hard & painful. So even though it is 6 years out, there are big gaps in my psyche that simply are still raw with emotion and I'm not sure will ever be whole again.

Dont' really have it in me to write more at this point. Look me up on facebook & we'll chat. Love & blessings to all- Ivy

Wednesday, February 25, 2009 4:13 PM CST

Thank you to all who donated toys for the "Luke's Legacy WVMC.FM Toy Drive" in December & January!! We took them down a month ago on Martin Luther King Day (1/19/09) to Columbus Nationwide Children's Hospital. As we were unloading them outside, a mom walked up & looked me in the eye and said, "Thank you for doing that- I'm one of the parents who benefit from your generosity & I want you to know it is greatly appreciated". That was such a good moment for me because I feel like God sent her with a word of thanks, to keep encouraging us to continue on. So God willing, we'll round up more toys this next Christmas season!

Meanwhile, life goes on. Monte has been very slow with (rather without) work but God still sends little jobs to keep our heads above water. I've been working at the college via the "work-study" program so I can have a bit more towards books and my STNA training coming up at the end of March. That is a short training program so that I'll be certified to do CPR, first aid, patient care, etc. It has it's own certification but simply doesn't pay well so I am certainly not stopping there. I still have 2 more years to get my RN liscense but it has flown by. I *think* I have the summer off, provided I finish spring qtr successfully. It should happen, but I've learned not to count my eggs before they're hatched!

Joscelyn is playing Upwards' basketball again- 3rd year in a row. She's wonderful at it! I like it b/c it gives us something to do over this awful, horrible, long winter!! Dane is dying to play too but he has to be in kindergarten, so next year he'll start. They both want to do softball/T-ball respectively this summer; we'll see. Autumn is doing fabulous in preschool- she has learned to recognize most letters and can write "A" for Autumn! Dane is a writing wiz & has mastered many reading skills already. If it was up to him, he'd be in kindergarten! He keeps asking me when he can go~

As for Luke... It was 7 years ago this Friday that we found out he had a brain tumor. Our world, dreams, and lives took an abrupt turn. Say a prayer for peace this weekend b/c it is always heavy on my heart when these anniversaries are marked.

Well, this is short for me, but I wanted to let people know things are just fine here. Thanks for checking in, for your prayers, and for caring about others!!! We love you~ Monte, Ivy, Joscelyn, Dane & Autumn.... ALWAYS remembering Lukie!xoxoxo
Miss You Luke Gabriel!!! We Miss You Luke Gabriel! We Miss You Luke Gabriel!

Sunday, January 4, 2009 4:26 PM CST

We are still collecting toys for LUKE'S TOY DRIVE, benefitting Nationwide Columbus Children's hospital, until January 18th!! Please take your donations to WVMC.FM on Logan Rd or call me & I'll pick them up for you!! 419-564-6332

That being said....

School returns tomorrow~ Yay! Back in the groove, Christmas all put away for another 11 months. I think I gained 5lbs due to holiday treats! *sadness* So it will be good to get back on a routine. Monte is knee deep in receipts as we try to tally up where money went last year for our tax returns. Being self-employed, we have to issue tax statements out to all the subs he used during the previous year before January is up. Then we can focus on our own return. Ugly, but after doing things for 12 years, we have developed a method to wading through the madness. It is just quite time consuming because even with computers, you must have a paper trail to back you up in case of an audit. ugh...

We had a wonderful Christmas break- I got alot of personal reading done, & we each have been able to enjoy the gifts we received & time spent together. No snow this year over the break, so we haven't done any sled riding (which has really bummed Dane out). Joscelyn & I took a neighbor girl to one of our area's annual bridal expos today. It was alot of fun for all of us to "ooohh" & "ahhh" over the beautiful gowns during the fashion show! We all pretended we were princesses on the way out afterwards too- hee hee hee. It was a great way to cap off Christmas break!

I have a special request for you- please keep Israel in your prayers & all countries actually. But Israel is dear to God's heart & it is the center of biblical history as well as prophecy. I truly believe we are experiencing the "birth pangs" of Christ's impending return. And unfortunately things are predicted to get quite scary as that time approaches. If you've claimed Christ as your Lord & Savior, then we are not to worry for we are clearly on the victorious side. But if you are on the fence, you might not have the luxury of time to make your mind up later (to live for Christ). I want to see each & every one of you in Heaven & I know Lukie does too!

Sending love & peace to each of you who have been so gracious as to keep up with our family!
Monte, Ivy, Joscelyn, Dane, Autumn & St. Luke

Check out the new pics on the photo page!! Also, check out some awesome blogs & websites I have found that are so well written, compassionate & transparent about life once childhood cancer enters your sphere:(You'll probably have to copy & paste them onto your browser to visit)

http://www.tyleralfriend.blogspot.com
http://curechildhoodcancer.ning.com

Sunday, December 21, 2008 3:39 PM CST

Merry Christmas! Just a short note on various stuff today:

First off, I was in JoAnn Fabric's on Tuesday (the 16th) to purchase some Christmas fabric. As I was wandering the isles, I found myself face to face with Valentine's decorations! YES, over a week before Christmas has even arrived someone in "corporate" has decided that we, the "consumer", just can't wait to purchase red hearts! As though we might just go through withdrawls if we take down our Christmas decor & don't have anything to replace it with?! Geesh- Really, WHO decides to move this stuff??? Do any of you KNOW somebody who promptly buys the next holiday decor this early?? I don't, but I guess there must be someone who does b/c why else is it being marketed to us???

Second- I also spent some time in Best Buy earlier this week. Debating whether I ought to buy the latest CD released by one of my fav bands which is over 14yrs in the making. (I couldn't justify purchasing it just yet- Christmas & all) Anyhow, as I am wandering those isles I come across this wonderful display of......TURNTABLES!! You know- "record players"!! YES- after convincing us, the "consumer" that CD's are the way to go, that those old LP's just are too grainy & devoid of the clarity of sound the musician intended, now they want us to buy them back!! And they are marketing the latest CD's just like they used to, complete with big album sleeves & wonderful artwork like in the good 'ol days. Only now you are encouraged to get your "180 grams of vinyl"!!! The idea is for you to buy the turntable, which now comes with a USB cord so you can hook it up to your home PC. Once you've done that, you play your "180 grams of vinyl" while dubbing it onto your PC hard drive. Then you can burn your OWN CD off the LP!! Wow, isn't that a novel idea??? Sounds similiar to what we did way back 20 yrs ago, only we dubbed the LP onto a cassette tape for our cars... Hhmmm I guess when I sold that old home stereo system at a garage sale 10 years ago, I should've held onto it, huh? Who knew??

Ok, enough of my observations on the absurdities I see around me. Our family is officially ready for Christmas & New Year's! Hopefully some semblance of quietness will ensue over the next few days as we celebrate the birth of Jesus. Just think, without that little baby boy being born in Bethlehem over 2000 years ago, we wouldn't even have to go shopping, decorate trees or sing carols. And we wouldn't have the chance of salvation either! Seriously, it's amazing that soooo many people (Christians or not) still acknowledge, & to some extent- celebrate the birthday of Jesus this time of year. Coincidence? I think not. I pray you are remembering HIM, on His birthday as you open those presents Christmas Eve/morning.
Check out this sobering & short video about Christmas.
http://www.walktheway.net/video/204-something-more/
It opened my eyes...

Merry Christmas, & Love~ Monte, Ivy, Joscelyn, Dane & Autumn! Remembering Luke always.....

PS> We are still collecting new TOYS for Nationwide Columbus Children's Hospital through January 18th. Call me or drop them off at WVMC.FM Radio Station *(behind Mansfield Christian School) on Logan Rd. See their link below>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Tuesday, December 9, 2008 2:06 PM CST

Merry Christmas everybody! We are partnering again with local christian radio station WVMC.FM to collect new TOYS to be donated to the patients at Nationwide (Columbus) Children's Hospital. One of the nice things about donating to this drive is that we accept toys right up until January 18th, which means you can take advantage of the after-Christmas sales!!! (Read: price break!) So please keep us in mind as you shop this Christmas season. If you prefer to send a check, you can make it out to Nationwide Children's Hospital & mail it to WVMC.FM at 500 Logan Rd. Mansfield, OH 44907. Monte & I take the donations down to the hospital on Martin Luther King Day each year so that our own children do not have to miss school but can still participate in the drop off. We are very blessed to be able to honor Luke's memory in this way & still be able to bless other children fighting their cancers valiantly.

I am in the midst of "finals week" at college, so my energy is being sapped. It will all be over tomorrow by 3pm- Yay! I still don't have any decorations up at home, & Dane is beginning to get anxious about that. I think he is wondering if Christmas is coming to his house or not!! He's heard Monte & I talking about Monte's slow down of work, (and tightening of money) so I think he's worrying. They are still going to have a nice Christmas though, & it reminds me that Monte & I need to watch what we say around the "little ears".

Joscelyn turned 10 last week & had a sleep over with 3 other girls over the weekend. For the most part it went ok, but there were still a couple of moments of "high drama" which I detest~ I had to remind them that I am NOT a guidance counselor & that they all need to overlook tiffs & get along! Geeshh... I grew up with 2 brothers. When we fought we'd hit each other, slam a door, throw a toy, then in 5 min. it was OVER. Girls fight different, as I noted from my friends who had sisters growing up. I'm not into holding grudges or nit-picking. Call it like it is & move on> thick skinned I guess. Although I suppose that isn't exactly a Godly thing to aspire to either... I often remember how peaceful life was when I was single, just me & my 2 siamese cats.....sigh...

I'll post new pics within a couple of days. As I said, it's finals week & I really shouldn't have been doing this but want to start you thinking about our Toy Drive. Click on the link below to visit WVMC.FM to see the hospital's "wish list" if you need ideas. Call or email me with other questions. Love you all & will update soon! xo Ivy & gang

Sunday, November 16, 2008 3:35 PM CST

What a week! We have just finished a VERY busy week here in the Ervin household. Our church (Berean Baptist) held a "Thirst Conference" which went on from last Sunday night & carried on until Wednesday night. We were out until 9pm each of those nights, which is late for our family! Then beginning Friday (& ending tonight) our church has co-hosted an "End-Times Prophecy Seminar", so Monte & I have taken turns attending that because it is soooo fascinating! The Thirst conference was meant to bring us closer on our spiritual walk with Jesus (& it did!). It was put on by Life Action Ministries (www.lifeaction.org) in Michigan. The prophecy seminar has focused on Ezekiel chapters 38 & 39. Wow!~ Amazing stuff we are witnessing as today's world events are playing out nearly to the "T" with what God's written word spoke of 2600 years ago!! All I want to say about it on this site is: if you are riding the fence about Jesus- who he is to you & your salvation, NOW is the time to get things focused. I can point you in that direction, but I am not going to convict you... that's not my job. I can only share with you the many, many ways God has moved in my life (in a positive way!) despite my pride, arrogance & stubborness.

We had Joscelyn's 10yr old pictures taken this afternoon. I can hardly believe she's a "decade"- ha ha haaa... One of the things we told her she could do when she turned 10 was to have her ears pierced. Monte & I gave in about 6 weeks early, so she has already received that gift in the form of 2 brilliant blue studs. Now all she says she wants is a Nintendo DS.... That's gonna be a tough one b/c it is not in our budget. She is willing to forgo a party if she can have that, but I'm still not sure. The dumb things are running $129 & with the business slowing down as it has, that's a chunk of change to spend on anyone. sigh... BTW, she turns 10 on Dec.3rd.

Dane & Autumn are doing well-as are Monte & I. We are having both sides of the families over on Thanksgiving to share a meal with. A total of @ 18 people! Fortunately I am getting help b/c most are bringing a side dish/dessert. Yummy! Now to think about decorating for Christmas.... My wonderful backyard neighbors put their 2 trees up last week in order to clear out their garage. I love seeing the lights on them - especially enjoying it b/c it is in their house & not mine! LOL... I am actually starting to get the itch to see the red & green again...

College continues to go well- finals will be the 2nd week of December already. Moving right along! I am thinking of checking into a work-study program out at the college for a bit extra money. We'll have to see what all it entails.

Try staying warm whereever you are- it is getting awful nippy here in lovely Mansfield!! Bbrrrrr! Love,
Monte, Ivy, Joscelyn, Dane, & Autumn

Saturday, November 1, 2008 7:17 PM CDT

Oh boy! Have I gotten bad at this or what?! If anyone is still reading this, I truly apologize. Life has become busier so updating has become less frequent. Trust me, just because I am not updating, I do still think about Luke every single day. No matter how busy I get, I still remember I am missing one of my kids every time I head out the door. And if I could update everytime I *thought* about it, there would've been at least 30 entries in the last 60 days. Just little comments on life, silly scenarios I pass through, things that made me laugh.

So what have we been up to? Well since Labor day, we have spent a couple more days on the boat, started back to school, played outside alot, attended 2 more bible studies, *tried* to get caught up on scrapbooking, celebrated Dane's 5th birthday (9/13) and Autumn's 3rd (10/18), tried unsuccessfully to avoid the election bs, watched the movie 'Fireproof' which I do recommend, got Joscelyn's ears pierced in anticipation of her 10th birthday.... took down the outside decor for the winter including the trampoline, adjusted to using a new cell phone, carved pumpkins,and visited a couple of garden centers for their "fall festivities" including doing Malabar Farm's Heritage days which fell on our 12th anniversary!

So we've done alot the past 2 months! Classes started up mid-Sept for me & they are going well. I began the 1st of 3 anatomy/physiology classes this qtr and am finding it takes ALOT of time studying. It's not hard, there is just a huge amt of info to soak into my tired brain! Very, very interesting though :-) My other class is on Conventional Ethics & is quite easy.

It's been a fascinating journey this past year as I continue on in college. Very blessed that something fulfilling & positive can come out of Luke's cancer battle.

Check out the photo page- I uploaded some new images. I am really, really, going to try to get back on within a week. Maybe with the evenings getting darker now (daylight savings time ends tonight) I will have more indoor time to hop online. (???) There's always hope!

Thanks for sticking around!!
Love,
Monte, Ivy, Joscelyn, Dane & Autumn
FOREVER MISSING LUKIE..............

Friday, September 5, 2008 11:10 AM CDT

September is national "Childhood Cancer Awareness" month here in the U.S.. So with that in mind, please pray for all the families and children whose lives have been irrevocably changed by cancer. It is such a minute thing to do, yet prayer definetly opens the door so God can respond.

The Ervin family is doing fine- as much as we will be able to with Luke missing. Time trudges on but time does not heal. Don't be misled by that saying; those who have suffered loss don't really heal. We adjust, but how do you ever heal or recover from grief?? It's been 5 years chronologically- but barely 5 days in our hearts.

Joscelyn has returned to school- the 4th grade this year! She is truly enjoying it, which I am so thankful for. Dane & Autumn continue their daycare/preschool. Sometime this fall after Autumn turns 3, they will both be in preschool & in the same class! They are both looking forward to that as they play quite well together. Autumn is trying hard to nail down the potty-training issue. Some days are drier than others! Dane began fall soccer just this week and he's fun to watch on the field. Our neighbor is coaching him this season so I think that will bring him more confidence with the game. My classes don't start back until the 22nd so I have a few days to play catch up- but so far it's not been too effective! I get distracted with other things easily, and before I know it it is time to go pick up the kids again! Monte has been working steadily (praise God!) but still tries to find time to catch a few fishies on the weekends- when things are running fine with the van & boat. Sometimes that isn't always a good combination!! The van has been in the shop for over 2 weeks this round, and was in it a week and a half in July. That's what you get with an old one though :-(

Life is hard; God is good. We love you & thank you for checking in. Enjoy the fall season- It is my FAVORITE!!!

Thursday, July 31, 2008 7:44 PM CDT

God did give us a beautiful sunset last night! (check out the photo page) I truly look forward to the eve of Luke's death because it was the last time Lukie saw daylight and the subsequent sun setting. Although that evening he had continued to float in & out of consciousness (~coma), when he was lucid, I would hold him and try to see if he would look outside. He loved watching the birds and would barely open his eyes to look for his sister Joscelyn. Finally, just as the sun set Luke began the last part of his battle as the tumor viciously wrenched his little body away. So knowing that the last thing in nature that he glimpsed was the sun setting has left a deep impression on me. My last little connection with my brave baby boy.

Today has been hard- I've kinda kept to myself all day. Been edgy and not too talkative. It's still very very hard to process without getting overwhelmed. We had the privledge of saying goodbye to Luke; I cannot imagine how parents go on when their child dies suddenly from an accident or violence....

Thanks for "being there" for us & for your prayers & thoughts. We love you~

Miss You Luke Gabriel!!! We Miss You Luke Gabriel! We Miss You Luke Gabriel!

Thursday, July 31, 2008 7:44 PM CDT

Monday, July 21, 2008 9:07 PM CDT

This is a very hard month~ I know it has the potential to be so I try to focus on overcoming the inevitable sadness by focusing on God's word, reading about other inspirational people, or just keeping busy with friends. Most times I am successful.

But sometimes I am overwhelmed with the grief over losing Luke & what we had to watch him go through. That picture above was taken on Saturday July 12th, 2003 during our last hospitalization. Luke had been sedated to relieve the pain the tumor had been creating along his brainstem. He was awake, but not always clear about his surroundings. At the time, we weren't sure he would even live through the weekend. He did live, and we were able to take him home to die surrounded by his own things & in bed with me. A last gift I cherish always. (I still sleep nightly in that very bed)

It will be 5 years on Thursday July 31st. (Luke died on the same Thursday, July 31st.) My life was changed pointedly ~ forever & ever. My heart is full of joy for the family I have now: my artistic & beautiful Joscelyn, daring yet loving Dane, and ornery, determined Autumn. Even so, I long desperately to care for my brave and humble little boy Luke. So when you see me, realize that yes, I have 'gone on' with my life since 7/31/03. But also realize that my heart still clings to the times that existed before that date. I relive the memories (happy & sad)daily & try desperately to "keep it together" many days. I've made many poor choices since then, but hopefully a few enduring good ones too. Just know Luke is never far at all from my thoughts & considerations.

Waiting on the Lord..........

Miss You Luke Gabriel!!! We Miss You Luke Gabriel! We Miss You Luke Gabriel!

Monday, July 21, 2008 9:07 PM CDT

This is a very hard month~ I know it has the potential to be so I try to focus on overcoming the inevitable sadness by focusing on God's word, reading about other inspirational people, or just keeping busy with friends. Most times I am successful.

But sometimes I am overwhelmed with the grief over losing Luke & what we had to watch him go through. That picture above was taken on Saturday July 13th, 2003 during our last hospitalization. Luke had been sedated to relieve the pain the tumor had been creating along his brainstem. He was awake, but not always clear about his surroundings. At the time, we weren't sure he would even live through the weekend. He did live, and we were able to take him home to die surrounded by his own things & in bed with me. A last gift I cherish always. (I still sleep nightly in that very bed)

It will be 5 years on Thursday July 31st. Luke died on the same Thursday, July 31st. My life was changed pointedly ~ forever & ever. My heart is full of joy for the family I have now: my artistic & beautiful Joscelyn, daring yet loving Dane, and ornery, determined Autumn. Even so, I long desperately to care for my brave and humble little boy Luke. So when you see me, realize that yes, I have 'gone on' with my life since 7/31/05. But also realize that my heart still clings to the times that existed before that date. I relive the memories (happy & sad)daily & try desperately to "keep it together" many days. I've made many poor choices since then, but hopefully a few enduring good ones too. Just know Luke is never far at all from my thoughts & considerations.

Waiting on the Lord..........

Miss You Luke Gabriel!!! We Miss You Luke Gabriel! We Miss You Luke Gabriel!

Monday, July 7, 2008 7:29 PM CDT

Tomorrow is, or would have been, Luke's 8th birthday. Today is, or would have been, my mom's 75th. I have been imagining them in Heaven, once again celebrating with a shared cake and laughing the whole time together!!

Luke would have been 8.... I think about the boy he would be becoming- what he'd like, what sport he'd play, what toy would be at the top of his wish list, what characters or theme he'd want his birthday party to be. All the things I hear Dane talking about- what would Luke be begging me to get him at the store? I miss him so very very very much...

Instead, for his birthday I will be donating blood. Perhaps another little boy will live awhile longer because of it. Or a mom be able to spend more time with her precious children. I will also be tending to his grave & perhaps leaving him a few balloons behind. He'll see them from Heaven. Maybe God will graciously give me a wonderful sunset at the end of the day on behalf of Lukie... Hope is all we have to go on most days.

Thank you for remembering Lukie with us~

Love, Ivy, Monte Joscelyn, Dane & Autumn

Miss You Luke Gabriel!!! We Miss You Luke Gabriel! We Miss You Luke Gabriel!

Wednesday, June 18, 2008 9:29 PM CDT

My oh my, how time flies!! I can't believe it's been nearly 6 weeks since I last updated. I promised myself I would do it this week (since I am on a break between quarters), but now I find myself having to stay up late just to get it done :-(

This is life: Busy, but if you asked "doing what?" You would find my answer boring! I finished my 3rd quarter of college with a 3.94 GPA (all A's again!) which was surprising this qtr to me because I had been carrying a "B" in Speech due to talking too long. (ha ha ha- imagine me doing that?!) Fortunately I nailed the last speech (persuasion topic) and also the final, both of which were enough to push me up a grade- whew!! My speech teacher was a lot of fun, but did run his class with the 'iron fist in the velvet glove' manner. Actually, I have had several fantastic prof. this year, which has made going to class much more enjoyable! I'm taking Chem. over the summer, beginning next week. Joscelyn has had a blast with her new sitter Monica, while Dane & Autumn are happily still going to their school.

Joscelyn & Monica playing slip-n-slide!

We have been squeezing in fun too- did the pool already over in Crestline (10min from the house). Gearing up for our annual garage sale Fri/Sat. Yep, it's that time of year again~ Monte got bunk beds for the girls so we are selling Josc's twin bed. OH, here's a good story: While Monte was putting them together 2 weeks ago, he accidently screwed a drill bit into his ankle area, hitting a larger vein/artery. He didn't realize he'd done much damage until he felt the floor getting slippery, looked down & saw blood literally shooting out of his foot! I had to call the rescue squad who took him to the hospital for stitches. They said if I hadn't called, Monte may have actually bled out right there because of the break in the vein!! I just knew I couldn't drive him in the van to the hospital myself b/c we had to keep pressure on it. Poor guy was about to go into shock when the paramedics arrived~ Anyhow, he had his 5 stitches taken out today & is none the worse off from it! And the girls love their bunk beds!

Piggy face Autumn!!

Autumn & Dane are growing fast- they both have been planning their b-day parties & wish lists lately. Nevermind that they aren't having b-days until Sept & Oct- they are quite preoccupied with the thought! I've taught the kids that I will not buy them anything in the stores when we go shopping unless it's on my list. Well they also know if they want something, they are allowed to ask for it for their birthday. So now when we go, both Dane & Autumn are content to add all the "wantsies" to their ever-growing wish list. I keep reminding them that they still won't get "everything" but I'm pretty sure they aren't focusing on that too much! sigh...

Well only a three more weeks until Luke 'would be' 8, and only a couple more after that and we'll be marking his 5 yr in heaven anniversary.... I passed a hearse on the way to school that was (most likely) going to a retrieval. Just seeing it in the early am. brought me a flashback to when the hearse pulled up to "retrieve" Luke's body that Thursday morning. We had called around 9 to tell the funeral home he had indeed passed, but asked them to wait a few hours until 11 so we could hold him awhile longer. Even though I thought I was "ready" to let him go, seeing those two men arrive in their perfectly ironed, crisp black suits just freaked me out. I still remember those last few moments like it was last week.... The morticians were so proper, somberly waiting as Monte & I clutched our son to ourselves with Joscelyn. It was as though we tried to embrace as a family one last time before turning our precious child over to them in defeat... How did I finally find the strength to let Luke go? How have I made it this far, seeing what I've seen- watching my heart & lifeblood ripped from my dreams?? How long until we can embrace again?!? These are only a tiny, tiny part of what rudely reminds me that life is very very hard...

But God is stronger- and He WINS in the end!

Enjoy the new pictures> I love you & thank you for staying with me on this journey!!

Ivy, Monte, Joscelyn, Dane & Autumn... St. Luke from Heaven

Joscelyn loving on Luke- Aug. 2002

Friday, May 2, 2008 7:09 PM CDT

Waaayyy late update~ I am truly sorry time has gotten away from me!! All is/has been well with us. I'm continuing to take 3 classes this quarter- Intro to Psychology, Speech, and Composition & Literature> all required... We are nearly halfway into this quarter amazingly, and so far, so good.

Dane & I have had a touch of a stomach bug this week. Fortunately no one else has had it. Dane has been "playing" soccer this spring for the first time. I quote "playing" because he is actually swarming the ball with the other kids, a few of which, on each team, seem to know what to do during the game! It is fun to watch, but not to keep score over :-) T-Ball is supposed to start Saturday if the rain holds off. This will be a new experience as well for Dane. Joscelyn is resuming her art lessons at the Mansfield Art Center this month. This is our concession to her, since she is not very interested in playing soccer. The girl has TALENT with her drawings and creative abilities~ I wish I could upload some of her work, she is so gifted at being able to express what she sees/imagines onto paper or other mediums. Monte has quite an artistic ablility too, but I only have the appreciation of art. I'm curious to see how the kids' interests develop as they age.

Our good friend, Paul Lintern, has been very involved in our city's Bicentennial Celebration, occuring this year. He & his wife Peggy bought/run "Luke's Place" here in town- a multi-unit rental they bought in memory of Luke. Since then, they have been very diligent about using the proceeds from the rentals to sponser different benefits, events and causes, as needs arise. Well, as part of the Bicentennial celebration Paul commissioned a "Wall of Rememberance" to be built which enables people to sign names in memory of those who have lived in Mansfield & made an impact on them. It is a traveling wall, which will be at various churches, many of the main Bicentennial celebrations, as well as our OSU/NCSC campus, and city hospital, MedCentral. Monte & I are helping get this wall to the various places it needs to be, so this will be a fun way to contribute to our city's history. I am already amazed at the names people are listing & touched by how they are inspired. If you are a local- please look for the Wall at those various spots & be sure to sign it!!

You know, it is almost 5 yrs now since Luke has gone to live in Heaven. I was clearing off his grave last week & just can't believe he's been gone that long.... I still cry as quickly as if it were 5 days ago... Even though I KNOW where he is, the pain of not being able to hold him, kiss him & play with him never, ever, leaves... But each day, I am that much closer to being with him again!

Check out our updated photos~

Love, Monte, Ivy, Joscelyn, Dane & Autumn

Wednesday, March 19, 2008 9:41 AM CDT

(Almost) Happy Easter!!

We are all ready for it, being as it seems to be happening so early this year. We are watching the last remenants of snow melt away today with the rains. The blizzard happened over the weekend of March 7-8th. I uploaded new pics on the photo page for those who want to see a shot-

Joscelyn's spring break starts tomorrow but mine does not. So she gets to attend one more class with me as I take that last final! It shouldn't be hard as the instructor has it "open notes". I had my Microbiology final Tues. and it was good- I hope to find out tomorrow what I got. So far it has been an A, which is important because if I want to be a nurse, I'd BETTER know what I am dealing with on patients, huh?! Unfortunately, not all my classmates seem to have the same view of learning the info & that personally makes me a tad worried...sigh... I took an Eng. class too & wrote many essays but I won't know that grade till next week. All my classes were fun & on the easy side this round. (Yay) And surprisingly (or not) Luke's life/death became a part of each- from using his cancer battle as a topic of two essays, his death as a topic of research for my Psych. class, to learning about diff bacteria & meds we ran across during his active treatment. Another way God has been using something horrible to bring something good about.

I came across the following poem/story in our newspaper a couple weekends ago & want to share it. (The columnist who included it is not the author) I know it speaks of my life in more ways than I want it to. I hope you enjoy it as well. Have a blessed Easter! Love, Ivy & family

Buttprints in the Sand

One night I had a wonderous dream,
One set of footprints there was seen
The footprints of my precious Lord
But mine were not along the shore.

But then some strange prints did appear
And I asked the Lord, �What have we here?
Those prints are large and round and neat,
But Lord, they are too big for feet.�

�My child,� He said in somber tones,
�For miles I carried you along.
I challenged you to walk in faith,
But you refused and made me wait.�

�You disobeyed, you would not grow.
The walk of faith, you would not know,
So I got tired, I got fed up,
And there I dropped you on your butt.�

�Because in life there comes a time,
When one must fight, and one must climb,
When one must rise and take a stand,
Or leave their buttprints in the sand.�

~Author unknown~

Thursday, February 28, 2008 4:06 PM CST

Remembering...

Luke, today marks the day six years ago that you were diagnosed with a brain tumor. We wouldn't learn for 5 more days that it was actually cancer, although we were warned that it probably was. How our lives changed this day... Immediate, total loss of innocence. The extent that all our lives did change is immeasurable. YOU took the biggest loss... We look ever forward to the day we are all reunited. Until then we live & try to make the most positive choices we can come out of this situation.

"I lift my eyes up to the hills- where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth." Psalm 121:1-2

Today~

All is well with us. Just asking for this unending snow to stop so we can resume a semblence of normality!! LOL..

Hope each of you are managing these long days of winter... Love, Ivy, Monte, Joscelyn, Dane & Autumn & always St. Luke

Thursday, February 21, 2008 4:40 PM CST

Oh my gosh have I had quirky problems posting this time!!! Anyhow, read the entry from Tuesday, then the update at the end>

From Tuesday 2/20:
Boy did we have an eventful day yesterday: Monte had new tires & rims put on his work van Friday and as he was going to work Monday morning, one of the tires rolled right off his van! (yes, he was driving it-) Needless to say, the van was towed in to another mechanic as the original one (tire store guy) was not going to touch it ~ per our choice. Monte said the lug nuts apparently were not tightened on correctly.

Then as I was heading to my 2pm dental appointment, my transmission literally dropped out of my van! No warning or anything! So I steered over to the side of the road but I was facing oncoming traffic- scary!! Fortunately I was able to get ahold of Monte (who was now driving the lawn care truck) & he came to rescue me! As I write, our personal van is still at the transmission place, hopefully being worked on. Our only personal vehicle is 12 years old, but runs great: until now :-(

But through this, I can tell you that God is good: No one was hurt, Monte got his work van back last night and our dear neighbors (the Sherer's) were able to help me retrieve the kids from school. Joscelyn's friend Megan's parents escorted her to & from her basketball practice and I didn't end up having a nervous breakdown!! ** It was a close one though** I felt especially bad for Monte because he's been trying so hard to get work during this slow time of year & then to lose out on a whole day's work was so disappointing... He's out today trying to get caught up & mend disappointed customers.

I have been trying to focus on this devotion from Charles Swindoll. It is sooo appropriate:

"Throw yourself completely upon the Lord- that is, cast all your present and future needs on Him who is your intimate Savior-God... finding in Him your security and safety. Do this with all your mind and feeling and will. In order to make this possible, you must refuse to support yourself upon the crutch of human ingenuity. Instead, recognize His presence and concern in each one of your circumstances. Then He (having taken full control of the situation) will smooth out and make straight your paths, removing each obstacle along the way." (in ref. to Proverbs 3:5-6)

Thanks for checking in... Hope you too feel God's blessings- Love; Ivy, Monte, Joscelyn, Dane, Autumn, and Lukie

**********UPDATE*********
The van was done Tuesday evening- it had a broken front left axl! Yay, no transmission problem, but VERY scary none-the-less!

We are taking the kids on a surprise overnight this weekend to Cedar Point's "Castaway Bay" indoor water park- they are going to be soooo thrilled! This is probably our only "vacation" this year so I really hope it goes well.

Enjoy and praise God for simple miracles! xo

Tuesday, January 22, 2008 8:48 PM CST

Hello everybody! As you can see, we had another truckload of toys to take to Nationwide (Columbus)Children's Hospital Monday! Thanks to YOU we were able to collect close to 300 toys this year in memory of Luke with the generous help of WVMC.FM staff and listners. Taking the toys down is always a favorite part of mine because I am reminded of our stay there & how compassionate others were to our family. Even though my Lukie isn't here to share in that joy, I know from the faces of other children how important each and every one of those toys end up being. So again, THANK YOU for helping us help others in this way!!

WVMC.FM station mgr. Josh with some of the boxed up toys generous listners donated

Even Dane and Autumn's school jumped on board, contributing toys that will bring smiles to other precious children's faces! Pictured with me is Mandi, one of Autumn's favorites (and Dane's too!)

Miss You Luke Gabriel!!! We Miss You Luke Gabriel! We Miss You Luke Gabriel!

School kicked back in for all of us (save Monte) the seventh of the month. It is always a good thing for me to be back into a routine. I'm taking 3 classes again this quarter, but they are all very enjoyable. I've got a writing class which is not difficult but is a tad time consuming. (Our comm. college requires all majors to have 3 comp. classes as well as a speech course so that we can communicate in a professional manner at the end of it all) I also have a psych. class called Human Growth & Development and finally, Microbiology to round it all out. As long as I keep on top of things I'll be okay.

Monte and I have "re-committed" to our marraige, growing closer together as we really focus on being the husband/wife that God wants us to be. We're working through 2 different bible driven studies while we do that; one in a small group and another in class on Sundays. So between all this reading, I am just not as free to update/email as I'd like. I just spent almost 45 min. just reading & watching emails from the past week! LOL..

So although this is short, know that we are doing ok! Oh, several have asked if Monte is "shaving for a cure" with St. Baldrick's again this year. No, he's not but we certainly do support it! The girls who organized it last year here in Mansfield are sponsering it again, although with a location change. This year it will be at "Buffalo Wings and ??" over on 4th St. in Ontario. I'll find out their link and post it later below. I'm still not brave enough to sport the bald look (:-(

Try to stay warm- It has been "freezing!!" here- and I am going through the lotions like mad trying not to turn into crocodile woman. Poor Dane is getting red and flaky too...

Check out our updated photo page- Thanks for checking in on us! We love you all!! xo Monte Ivy Joscelyn Dane Autumn and St. Luke

Tuesday, February 19, 2008 1:43 PM CST

Boy did we have an eventful day yesterday: Monte had new tires & rims put on his work van Friday and as he was going to work Monday morning, one of the tires rolled right off his van! (yes, he was driving it-) Needless to say, the van was towed in to another mechanic as the original one (tire store guy) was not going to touch it ~ per our choice. Monte said the lug nuts apparently were not tightened on correctly.

Then as I was heading to my 2pm dental appointment, my transmission literally dropped out of my van! No warning or anything! So I steered over to the side of the road but I was facing oncoming traffic- scary!! Fortunately I was able to get ahold of Monte (who was now driving the lawn care truck) & he came to rescue me! As I write, our personal van is still at the transmission place, hopefully being worked on. Our only personal vehicle is 12 years old, but runs great: until now :-(

But through this, I can tell you that God is good: No one was hurt, Monte got his work van back last night and our dear neighbors (the Sherer's) were able to help me retrieve the kids from school. Joscelyn's friend Megan's parents escorted her to & from her basketball practice and I didn't end up having a nervous breakdown!! ** It was a close one though** I felt especially bad for Monte because he's been trying so hard to get work during this slow time of year & then to lose out on a whole day's work was so disappointing... He's out today trying to get caught up & mend disappointed customers.

I have been trying to focus on this devotion from Charles Swindoll. It is sooo appropriate:

"Throw yourself completely upon the Lord- that is, cast all your present and future needs on Him who is your intimate Savior-God... finding in Him your security and safety. Do this with all your mind and feeling and will. In order to make this possible, you must refuse to support yourself upon the crutch of human ingenuity. Instead, recognize His presence and concern in each one of your circumstances. Then He (having taken full control of the situation) will smooth out and make straight your paths, removing each obstacle along the way." (in ref. to Proverbs 3:5-6)

Thanks for checking in... Hope you too feel God's blessings- Love; Ivy, Monte, Joscelyn, Dane, Autumn, and Lukie

Tuesday, January 22, 2008 8:48 PM CST

Friday, December 28, 2007 7:35 PM CST

Yay- Christmas has come & gone again! We had a good holiday, spending time with both sides of the family. No fighting even :-) The kids enjoyed their presents and are STILL enjoying them! We didn't have a white Christmas either. The only bummer with that is that we have wanted to get to our area ski resort to do their tubing runs but with the warm weather it just hasn't been in the cards. We were able to go to COSI in Columbus last weekend then ate at the Spaghetti Warehouse nearby afterwards. That was great fun~ it is a hands on science museum for all ages so we all were entertained. Joscelyn impressed the heck out of me by riding a unicycle on a highwire 20' up! Granted, it is counterbalanced with a 250# weight and you are strapped in, but still!!!! Very very brave girl I have!! Dane wanted to do it too but was still on the short side (boo hoo)

We've been getting alot done around the house surprisingly. Monte has been light on work so he's more available. But I feel tax season looming which is another headache when you are self employed & have to round up all the facts & figures to fill in the blanks... School resumes on the 7th for Josc & I. We've had some good days off together- I hope she would agree. Trying to do as much as possible with her & still keep household things going. Laundry doesn't do itself you know!

I'd sure love to write more, but it's bath time here in Ervinland... soooooo please remember our Luke's Legacy/WVMC.FM Toy Drive going on until Jan 18th here in Mansfield!! THANK YOU to all who have already stepped up with goodies for the precious kids down at Nationwide Columbus Children's!! Truly, they so appreciate getting things to do & play with while they are dealing with their illness!!! (I can personally attest to that as a mom!) Check out the radio station's link below.

Have a safe, happy New Year everyone!!! We love you! xoxoxo Ivy & gang

PS> thanks for the bday wishes= I *love* being 40... so far!!! LOL

Friday, December 21, 2007

Christmas is going to find us all ready for it!! I have just a teensy bit to buy (for Autumn & stockings) then I will be officially done. I have it all wrapped, both trees up & decorated, our stockings hung by the chimney with care ~LOL~ The kids even helped me with cutout cookies tonight, although we'll have to frost them later this weekend. It feels good to be "done"!! I will admit that I still am kind of apathetic about Christmas this year but have managed to do what is needed so the kids enjoy it. We are all off for 2 weeks now, save for Monte. He's taking off through Christmas itself, but being self-employed he doesn't get "vacation time" or "comp time". So he does what he can. Actually Dane & Autumn will be spending a few days in their "school" over the next two weeks because it is open & we only have 10 days per quarter they can be absent and still hold their spots. That is ok for us too> they get to do "playdates" while Josc and I get special mother/daughter time!!

She needs it from me I think. Over Thanksgiving she brought home a journal they keep in school which she shared with us. One entry asked what they would ask for if they could have 3 wishes. Joscelyn asked to be able to visit Luke in heaven & play and also for her mommy to be happy because I've been angry/sad ever since Luke died. Boy, talk about a reality check... Yes, I've been both of those Joscelyn. I just wish you didn't have to feel them too...

So it goes- a couple steps forward, a mudslide back. It's certainly not just Lukie's death that has impacted me in such a negative way... but I have obviously not been as productive as I had thought I was being in managing my emotions. As they say- out of the mouths of babes.

UPDATE NOT TO MISS~
*** This is an incredible miracle- the 5 mo.old twin girls who were both diagnosed a couple months ago with neuroblastoma (another pediatric cancer) have been told they are CANCER FREE!!! Both of them!! So they do not have to finish their chemo or anything!! PRAISE GOD!! Please go visit their site and share in a beautiful miracle- you'll be so inspired!!
http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/dunntwins
COPY & PASTE EITHER ONE
www.caringbridge.org/visit/dunntwins *****

Please remember our WVMC.FM/Luke's Legacy Toy Drive going on through January 18th too

Hope your Christmas is merry and I hope (for all of us!) that the New Year is peace-filled & blessed! And I pray God gives me just a shot of HIS grace, wisdom & mercies... Love, Ivy

Saturday, December 15, 2007 3:15 PM CST

As I write, we are in the beginning hours of our snowstorm. I am very glad it is happening on the weekend as it will barely disrupt our plans! We are just going to hunker down & be cozy= yay! I finally managed to get both trees up (had to buy a new stand for the one) this week. The kids decorated our main one for me, once I put the lights on. Both trees needed new lights this year- what exactly happens those 11 months they are in storage I do not know! I still need to do the mantle and handrail areas but no hurry. I did most of the shopping & I believe got all my cards done. Still have a few odds & ends to pick up... We took poinsettias to Luke's grave today (artificial ones) because Dane had been wanting to go visit it. I had put up Luke's Superman tree on his grave earlier this week while the other kids were in school but Dane had mentioned several times he wanted to go. It was a brief visit, not sure what Dane wanted to experience... he had said he wanted to talk to Luke, but when we got there he said he didn't. I guess I am that way too sometimes.

I'm still kind of "off" this season re: Christmas/New Years. No expectations- just going to try to make it through with minimal frustration. The kids should be fine with their gifts. I think Dane already accidentally ran across them over in our detached garage but Monte covered quickly by telling him that they were for the Children's Hospital Toy Drive! (He's still young enough to believe- LOL) I am having an informal lunch Christmas day for my side the we'll go to Monte's side around supper time. Seems to cover all the bases. Then it will be time to put away everything again, for another 49 weeks - ha hahaha!

Oh, before I forget- I am happy to report that I got all A's for my first quarter in college!! Yay!! I am on break until the 7th of Jan. but have lots of things to fill my time with until then (although I always LOVE meeting up with people for lunch!- hint hint)

And, I get to turn 40 this coming Saturday!! Yay me! Actually it is kind of funny because I simply don't feel "40" on many levels. Yet sometimes I do, when I think about all I've done/been through. Like I have an "old soul"... which my friend Daniel reminds me is a "timeless soul". I like that term better. He also shared with me a thought provoking idea this week. We had been discussing life, loves and relationships in general, trying to put it all together (ha ha). Daniel suggested that with all of these, -marraige in particular- are opportunities to "practice forgiveness; giving & receiving it" and that I ought to "thank Monte for giving me plenty of opportunities!" *lol* Daniel & I have known each other for over 25 yrs (gosh, longer I think...)so he's not one to fall for my attempts at BS & knows how to call me on stuff.

A verse from the bible that has been running through my mind in relation to that is this one from Jeremiah 17:9> The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? It is soooo hard for me to chase after that pureness of heart that God cherishes! I am frequently being distracted by outright temptations or simply loneliness, heartache, grief, and even the exhaustion of parenting. So often I find myself full of ungodly thoughts, and then THAT can upset me!!! Geesh...
I'm not expecting answers on this, but if anyone out there can relate, let me know!! It just seems I find myself more in the "fool" section than I'd like to admit to.

Reminder to all local readers out there> We are collecting toys for Columbus Nationwide Children's Hospital through January 18th. You can drop them off at WVMC.FM radio station which is at 500 Logan Rd, behind Mansfield Christian School anytime! Thank you ahead of time!!

Merry Christmas to all- maybe I'll be motivated to write more soon... Keep other families who are struggling with their own sick children in your prayers tonight, especially those facing their first of many lonely holidays not being able to hold those precious babes.
Love and (((hugs)))) to all of you!! Ivy & gang

** Interesting article on Christmas & Christians> http://blog.beliefnet.com/news/2007/12/some-churches-reject-christmas.php

You might need to copy & paste it to your browser to read it.

Monday, December 3, 2007 9:04 PM CST

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOSCELYN!! You're 9 years old already!!

We celebrated with a party Sat. for her & her school friends, then had a private fam. dinner tonight, topped off with strawberry cheesecake. When asked what she wanted for dinner, Josc picked Ramen noodles (she calls them her "favorite noodles") and chicken & cheese Taquitos! Isn't she easy to please?? Fine with me though :-)

( Oh, by the way: Barb & Beth- I truly enjoying watching you two battle it out in the guestbook every birthday!!! You guys are clearly mother & daughter! LOL...)

Anyhow, life is moving along here- I am in the midst of "finals week", having 1 down & 3 to go. I aced my nutrition exam this afternoon so I'm off to a good start. Math is Tues & Thurs so please pray for me on that! I have been pleasantly surprised that college is not nearly as stressful as I thought- I have really enjoyed learning again & especially meeting new friends. God is so good at how He works things out... I am constantly amazed at how He weaves people into our lives! It's so fun getting to know people, especially when at first it appears you don't have anything in common with them!

I am still struggling with the Christmas "spirit"... I've never been one to get into the shopping aspect, & this year I just feel more sensitive to the "holiday cheer" that so many people put on during December. A combination of false flattery & manners that some tend to adopt for the season... I wonder if I am reading into things too much at times. Nonetheless, I know I have to get it together for the kids' sake at least. I am figuring on doing the tree sometime next week or the week after. I was able to do 90f the shopping over the (icky weathered) weekend so that is a relief.

Oh, before I forget= We ARE collecting toys again this year with WVMC.FM (500 Logan Rd/ Mansfield) to benefit Nationwide (formerly Columbus) Children's Hospital in memory of Luke!!! Check out their website link below to find out more. If you aren't local, consider donating to your own area pediatric hospital or floor in Luke's memory (or any child's honor!) These hospitals truly rely on donations to keep the kids busy. Yes, they are big businesses, but that money is scarce for things like toys, (and that is well and fine). I know I would rather see them spending it on technology or staff compensation so that my baby is getting the best professional care. Opinions aside, the kids DO need us and this is an area we have felt led to help fulfill. So check it out-

Hope your Christmas season is progressing nicely - Say a prayer for those families who are struggling without their precious children, especially those who are experiencing their *first* Christmas alone. Love to each of you= Ivy & gang

Wednesday, November 21, 2007 9:52 AM CST

I received this in an email from one of you out there, several years ago. I thought it was still worth considering...
THANKSGIVING THORNS

Elizabeth felt as low as the heels of her shoes as she pushed against a November gust and the florist shop door. Her life had been easy, like a spring breeze. Then, in the fourth month of her second pregnancy, a minor automobile accident stole that from her. During this Thanksgiving week she would have delivered a son. She grieved over her loss. As if that weren't enough, her husband's company threatened a transfer. Her sister, whose holiday visit she coveted, called saying she could not come for the holiday. Elizabeth's friend thoughtlessly infuriated her by suggesting her grief was a God-given path to maturity that would allow her to empathize with others who suffer. She has no idea what I'm feeling, thought Elizabeth with a shudder.
Thanksgiving? Thankful for what? She wondered...For a careless driver whose truck was hardly scratched when he rear-ended her? For an airbag that saved her life but took that of her child?
"Good afternoon, can I help you?" The shop clerk's approach startled her.
"I... I need an arrangement," stammered Elizabeth.
"For Thanksgiving Day? Do you want beautiful but ordinary, or would you like to challenge the day with a customer favorite I call 'The Thanksgiving Special'?" asked the shop clerk. "I'm convinced that flowers tell stories," she continued. "Are you looking for something that conveys 'gratitude' this thanksgiving?"
"Not exactly!" Elizabeth blurted out. "In the last five months everything that could go wrong has gone wrong."
Elizabeth regretted her outburst, and was surprised when the shop clerk said, "I have the perfect arrangement for you."
Just then the shop door's small bell rang, and the shop clerk said, "Hi Barbara...let me get your order." She politely excused herself and walked toward a small workroom, then quickly reappeared carrying an arrangement of greenery, bows and long-stemmed thorny roses. Except the ends of the rose stems were neatly snipped; there were no flowers.
"Want this in a box?" asked the clerk.
Sandra watched for the customer's response. Was this a joke? Who would want rose stems with no flowers?! She waited for laughter, but neither woman laughed.
"Yes, please," Barbara replied with an appreciative smile. "You'd think after three years of getting the special, I wouldn't be so moved by its significance. But I can feel it right here, all over again," she said as she gently tapped her chest. And she left with her order.
"Uh," stammered Elizabeth, "that lady just left with, uh...she just left with no flowers!"
"Right," said the clerk, "I cut off the flowers. That's the Special. I call it "The Thanksgiving Thorns Bouquet."
"Oh come on, you can't tell me someone is willing to pay for that!" exclaimed Elizabeth.
"Barbara came into the shop three years ago feeling much like you feel today," explained the clerk. "She thought she had very little to be thankful for. She had lost her father to cancer, the family business was failing, her son was into drugs and she was facing major surgery."
"That same year I had lost my husband," continued the clerk, " and for the first time in my life, was spending the holidays alone. I had no children, no husband, no family nearby, and too great a debt to allow any travel."
"So what did you do?" asked Elizabeth.
"I learned to be thankful for thorns," anwered the clerk quietly. "I've always thanked God for the good things in my life and never questioned the good things that happened to me, but when bad stuff hit, did I ever ask questions! It took time for me to learn that dark times are important. I have always enjoyed the 'flowers' of life, but it took thorns to show me the beauty of God's comfort. You know, the Bible says that God comforts us when we're afflicted, and from His consolation we learn to comfort others."
Elizabeth sucked in her breath as she thought about the very thing her friend had tried to tell her. "I guess the truth is I don't want comfort. I've lost a baby and I'm angry with God."
Just then someone else walked into the shop. "Hey Phil!" shouted the clerk to the balding, rotund man.
"My wife sent me in to get our usual 'Thanksgiving Special'...twelve thorny, long-stemmed stems!" laughed Phil as the clerk handed him a tissue-wrapped arrangement from the refrigerator.
"Those are for your wife?" asked Elizabeth incredulously. "Do you mind me asking why she wants something that looks like that?"
"No...I'm glad you asked," Phil replied. "Four years ago my wife and I nearly divorced. After twenty years, we were in a real mess. But with the Lord's grace and guidance, we slogged through problem after problem. He rescued our marraige. Jenny here (the clerk) told me she kept a vase of rose stems to remind her of what she learned from 'thorny' times, and that was good enough for me. I took home some of those stems. My wife and I decided to label each one for a specific 'problem' and give thanks for what God taught us through that problem."
As Phil paid the clerk, he said to Elizabeth, "I highly recommend the Special!"
"I don't know if I can be thankful for the thorns in my life." Elizabeth said. "It's all too...fresh."
"Well," the clerk replied carefully, "my experience has shown me that thorns make roses more precious. We treasure God's providential care more during trouble than at any other time. Remember, it was a crown of thorns that Jesus wore so we might know His love. Don't resent the thorns."
Tears rolled down Elizabeth's cheeks. For the first time since the accident, she loosened her grip on resentment. "I'll take those twelve long-stemmed thorns, please." she managed to choke out.
"I hoped you would," said the clerk gently. "I'll have them ready in a minute."
"Thank you. What do I owe you?"
"Nothing. Nothing but a promise to allow God to heal your heart. The first year's arrangement is always on me." The clerk smiled and handed a card to Elizabeth. "I'll attach this card to your arrangement, but maybe you would like to read it first."
It read: "My God, I have never thanked You for my thorns. I have thanked You a thousand times for my roses, but never once for my thorns. Teach me the glory of the cross I bear; teach me the value of my thorns. Show me that I have climbed closer to You along the path of pain. Show me that, through my tears, the colors of Your rainbow look much more brilliant."

Praise Him for your roses; thank Him for your thorns! And have a wonderful Thanksgiving with your families

Tuesday, November 13, 2007 1:28 PM CST

It's not quite Thanksgiving here, but I'm afraid it might not be until then for the next post. We are going to Monte's sister's house for Thanksgiving, which is just fine by me. I've got finals coming up the first week of December, so with that to prepare for, having to prepare a big dinner would be "just one more thing". I'm still somehow maintaining A's in my classes so I don't want to fudge it up now!

Autumn seems to be doing ok re: her asthma since beginning on the daily Flovent meds. Sure hope this does the trick.

For some reason Dane has been talking alot about Luke, even though they never met this side of heaven. Dane was born 6 weeks after Luke's death. I remember how happy Luke was to find out the new baby was going to be a boy (from the ultrasound). We had prayed he would live long enough to see Dane, but sadly it wasn't to be. Now that Dane is in school, he hears other kids talking about brothers & I suspect that is what is bringing on his thoughts. He *has* a brother, he just can't play with him. Dane loves looking at pictures of Luke and things he did- which fortunately we have plenty of! He kind of creates his own pictures/memories off of those. I just let him talk, and let him know we too are sad that Luke died. It's a weird spot to be in, because while you want to emphasize Luke's place in our family, you don't want to focus too much on it, letting Dane, Josc or eventually Autumn, think we liked Luke better. Sigh...

Grieving a child never ends...many of you know that. We simply go on, remembering, living & remembering. It's a forever pain that still threatens to pull me back down in weaker moments. Praise God for the precious people He's put in front of me to encourage me and support me. THANK YOU for following Luke's Legacy, and for praying for me. Truly, I can't express my gratitude enough!!

There are still others that need our prayers and support- please stop over and pray for these kids & their families
www.caringbridge.org/ok/annajane
www.caringbridge.org/visit/dunntwins
and also, encourage this family who recently lost their precious daughter Sophie just a month ago. They could use your prayers especially with the holidays approaching:
www.smilesforsophie.com

Lastly, we are once again going to team up with WVMC-FM this Christmas season to collect new toys for Columbus (now Nationwide) Children's Hospital- (check their link below) I'll post more info on that as it is finalized. This is going to be our 4th year already! Wow...

With Love, Ivy & family

Thursday, November 1, 2007 12:24 AM CDT

I can't believe it is November!! Yipee!

As you see by the new picture above, Halloween was fun again this year! Since Autumn is much more mobile, life is smoother when it comes to family activities- no carrying, pushing, etc. We did the neighborhood run last week (our area always holds it on the last Thurs of the month, irregardless). Last night we went to a friend's church (Crossroads- for you locals reading) and had a blast! It is a big non-denominational church up the street. They held a "Harvest party" with I am guessing, at least 30 different activities for the kids of all ages to do. It was soooo fun but very very busy too. We were there for 2 1/2 hrs and wore everyone out. It was fun to be able to do something as a family that each of us enjoyed- gets hard finding those things sometimes.

School is going well still (for me AND Joscelyn!) I do have a prayer request for Autumn~ again: She has gone from having "reactive airway disease" (an insurance label, I believe) to actual "asthma". Poor thing was in to the dr. Monday b/c she just couldn't quit coughing, so they did a breathing treatment which did calm her cough. Three hours later, we were fighting a strong wheeze though so I had to get her on an oral steroid (only 5 days worth) and also they put her on a low dose, daily inhaled steroid to keep her breathing under control. If she is out in cold air, it will trigger her spasms or if she gets a cold, it goes right to her bronchial tubes. There is a chance she'll outgrow this, but they simply can't tell right now. Monte's family has a history of diff. forms of asthma (ie: he is allergy induced, but his bro is asthmatic) so I guess that is where she gets it from. No one we are around smokes (yay) so that isn't a factor. This is another new avenue I get to learn about- hopefully not a permanent one!

As I may have said last post- no news can be good news for us. BUT can you still pray for the following kids:

I have added the Dunn twins, 2 precious girls, only born just July of this year and already in a fierce battle for their lives with neuroblastoma (cancer). Here is their website:
www.caringbridge.org/visit/dunntwins

Remember Anna Jane who is progressively worse:
www.caringbridge.org/ok/annajane

Our area boy, Jacob Williams, also battling a brain tumor:
www.caringbridge.org/visit/jacobwilliams

Enjoy the beautiful weather= Hope it's a mild winter!!
Love to all- xo Ivy and family

Thursday, October 18, 2007 9:27 AM CDT

HAPPY BIRTHDAY AUTUMN!!!!!! YOU ARE 2!!!!!!

Ok, so Barb you win this one! (see that Beth- hee hee)

I have very little time to update but saw that I had better since Barb had already called me out :-) School is going well- I got a 96n that wicked math test so I was happy. Still don't know about the NET yet because the results take over a week to be returned. I was disappointed in the format of it but that can be for another journal. Suffice it to say that I *think* I did well.

We are celebrating Autumn's 2nd birthday Sunday at the house. It is too hard to get family together during the week. Autumn is still oblivious to the fact that it is "her special day" so we can hold it off until it's more 'convenient' - that is so American, isn't it?? She has been hard to think of gifts to buy for because she already has all of Joscelyn's toys (baby dolls, accessories, pretend kitchen items, etc.) One of the Hugs & Hope members sent her a wonderful package full of plastic food (for her kitchen) which, unbelievably she didn't have! So I'm at a loss, especially with "thinking time" at a premium these days... I am going to post more pics as soon as I can format them for the web, so be sure to check back within a few days on those.

All else is seemingly fine- Dane goes for his 4yr well child visit today and hopefully nothing will be amiss. Joscelyn is doing fine, Monte is continuing to work like a dog so there you have it! With our lives, no news is good news!

Please keep checking in on Anna Jane at www.caringbridge.org/ok/annajane. Her family is so faithful despite the shortening days she has left... Also, please visit Jacob Williams who is also battling a brain tumor here in our town. He has received alot of community support thankfully, but his battle is far from over. His site is one of the newer CB pages so it is www.caringbridge.org/visit/jacobwilliams.

Thanks for stopping in! We are always grateful for your love, compassion and support~ Monte, Ivy Joscelyn Dane (big girl)Autumn and St. Luke

Monday, October 8, 2007 6:38 PM CDT

I have 3 weeks of college down- yipee! All is going well although I am requesting extra prayer for my (lack of) math skills. I have my first test in math this Wednesday so we'll see if the brain cells can work independently of the teacher- ha ha ha. It is over formulating algebraic equations from "story problems". NOT a good combo in my book. Anyhow, I have done well on everything (incl. math homework) and currently have all "A's"- as does Joscelyn per her midterms! So we have been 2 happy campers :-) I also have the NET (nurse entrance test) happening from 6-9pm Wednesday which includes 30f the test on math without a calculator!!! Who are they kidding?! sigh.. I know it sounds lame, but please remember that in prayer. The better I get on this test, the higher it places me to advance into clinicals in the future.

As a family we seem to be doing well- I am just glad to be able to report that, after so many rocky times. Monte continues to put in the hours while the work is there. I just love fall but am glad we don't have many leaves to rake- we did at our previous residence and it really took up the weekend times. Yesterday we worked our tail feathers off finishing up yard work and putting in most of the summer furniture/decor for winter storage. It was in the high 80*s yesterday & today so I figured I'd better take advantage of it. We've been able to visit 2 different garden centers locally that put on hay rides, corn mazes, hay mazes & fun rope swings, etc. All 3 kids just LOVE playing in those things and it is so much fun to see them enjoying themselves! Joscelyn's done these many many times but still really looks forward to doing them again. In a couple of weeks we get to go to "Boo at the zoo" in Columbus and meet Spiderman! Dane is ecstatic as that is his fav. superhero. We had his birthday party last month and he got slammed with Spiderman stuff, but can a boy ever have "enough"??

Wanted to check in and let everyone know we're happily alive and well. Please visit Anna Jane's site as she is in the twilight days of her cancer battle. Her parents are embracing these days with God's obvious grace and strength Her site is www.caringbridge.org/ok/annajane. You'll probably do best to "copy & paste" that link. Also, read Monica's posting from Sept 28th on her daughter Gabbie's site. It is powerfully written and will draw your thoughts to a new paradigm about the lethal injection issue. Here is that site: www.caringbridge.org/mn/gabrielles.prayers

*** New photos posted!!**********

I hope to be able to find time to update again soon! Love & hugs to all~ Monte, Ivy, Joscelyn, Dane & Autumn & St. Luke

Friday, September 14, 2007 2:10 PM CDT

Dane turned 4 yesterday!! We took him out to Chuck E Cheese for dinner & fun after making him wait "all day" to open his birthday presents from us. He & Autumn didn't have "school" Thurs or today because of staff development at the center. (The fall quarter begins Monday so they close a couple of days each time to reorganize the place and themselves.) Dane is getting a **surprise** party Sunday with all the friends/relatives - he is gonna be shocked! I have it planned to be out in the backyard and I see where the weather is supposed to be pleasant too- Yay us!

Autumn is still doing fantastic at daycare, despite coming down with another cold Monday. Once again, it went straight to her chest so I had to run her in to the dr. Monday pm so they could check her. She just coughs terribly every time she gets sick, to the point that she wheezes inbetween breaths. They haven't officially said it is asthma, but did label her as having "reactive airway disease" which is really just something to keep the insurance co from questioning why she is seen so often. Since her inhaler wasn't doing a thing for her, the dr. went ahead and prescribed a steriod for a few days to keep her breathing smoother. It's seemed to help... I've never had trouble with breathing (Monte has-) so this is all new to me. We are all hoping it doesn't get progressively worse & that she even grows out of it as she gets older.

I have to mention a reference to 9/11/01... You've undoubtedly seen the memorials to the loved ones that were killed 6 years ago in the terrorist attacks in NY, PA & DC. Even at church Wed. pm we were asked to share our rememberances of what we were doing, thinking, etc. when we learned about the attacks. One thing that stays on my heart each year as the attacks are remembered is this: The drs. have told us that in their best educated observation & estimation of Luke's tumor growth, they believe that his brain tumor began during his 15th month of life. That month would have been Sept. 2001. An eerie thought, to recognize that my own personal nightmare began to grow around the very same time that our nation was so brutally awakened from complacency. Just a personal roadmarker that will always be etched on my heart...

I am sooo looking forward to Christ's return!!

Lastly- my first day of college is Monday (yay me!) Yes, I am very excited! In the meantime...

September is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month so please visit Candlelighters to learn more. Their site is: www.candlelighters.org.

Also, keep up with dear Anna Jane at www.caringbridge.org/ok/annajane. She is still very very ill, and her family needs all the support you can give.

Until later... Love, Monte, Ivy, Joscelyn Dane & Autumn and St. Luke xoxoxoxox

Friday, September 7, 2007 7:26 PM CDT

Praise God and thank YOU for many prayers- Autumn has turned a corner at daycare!! She is eating without me being there (since Tues) and is getting down from her chair and playing with the other kids! Yipee!! I about cried when I picked her up Wednesday and they told me what a great day she'd had and how she finally decided to come to the table and eat with her friends. I didn't want to post too early but I have been soooo excited for her (& me!) So when I picked her up today with another great report, I knew I had to share!!

Monte & I are chugging along- still trying hard to do what God's will is for our marraige. I can see him trying more too- I have a bad temper which has a short fuse, especially when I am tired. He really was calm and forgiving last week when I got upset after a much interrupted night (courtesy of the new pup & Autumn). I too have been trying to be more respectful and "do as unto the Lord" towards Monte. sigh.. some days are better than others. But everyone keeps telling me not to be so harsh on myself for not overcoming things quicker... I just get on my own nerves sometimes! (really!!)

I am posting new pics on the photo page. We've been taking a boat out to an area St. park (Alum Creek) where the lake is so fun to be on & people are so friendly. Monte did a fellow's roof for the boat and it's been a great trade so far! The boat is a '79 inboard/outboard "mercruiser" if that tells you anything. It doesn't me but that is what Monte says to call it. Oh well, it is fun for all of us!! Hope you enjoy them...

Still pop by Anna Jane's site please and check on her. She is getting released this weekend but is clearly not out of the woods. www.caringbridge.org/ok/annajane

Thanks for the prayers and your love!!! See, prayers work folks!!! Love, Ivy & gang

Friday, August 31, 2007 9:01 AM CDT

I've been very stressed this week. Joscelyn started back to school Tuesday happily= she'd been looking forward to it for weeks! That went well save for the ridiculous time the buses apparently have had dropping kids off. Many children either didn't speak up to let the driver know their stop was approaching, or they fell asleep! So the first day the bus was 1 hour late!!! I was livid as were many other parents who let the bus garage know. We have never had this problem & it is the same driver Josc. has always had so I was upset about the whole thing. Each day has gotten much better although she is still running "late".

Autumn still isn't adjusting well at daycare. She won't eat unless I come, which won't be possible once my classes start. She just sits in a chair (of her own choosing) and watches the other kids play. Her caregivers go out of their way to include & encourage her but Autumn stubbornly refuses. I just don't know what to do about it so if anyone has any suggestions for us PLEASE let me know!! This is getting bad b/c it has been 4 weeks now with only subtle improvements. She isn't crying when I drop her off, and will get up to play if I am there. All the kids are her age (12mo-32mo)so I am truly baffled. It is like she is refusing to enjoy herself! The other children try to interact with her too, as they want more playmates. Help! Dane is doing just fine by the way!!

Luke would've started 1st grade this week too. I realized that after I had to listen to Dane sing "I want my brother Luke back but Jesus can't give him back..." as Dane looked into a cabinet holding last memories of Luke that we have in our kitchen. (Most people would put china or other kitchen stuff in there) Then we watched Josc get on the bus and saw a bunch of little boys up front who were just starting school too. You know, I don't consciously think of these things= they just enter your mind, throwing you off guard. My heart was heavy the rest of the day... I took a rose and balloon out to his grave with a note acknowledging another missed milestone. All of this 'spur of the moment'. I've been trying not to live off emotions so much, and failed miserably that day. It gets so very hard knowing how close he was to us and yet how very very far & unreachable he is now. Even if it is in heaven- I'm his mommy and I can't even touch him!! It just hurts awful.

And as things would have it, Monte and I are far from "happily married". One step forward, 6 back. What can I say- I am still trying and reading and hoping in God. I am getting worn down, both by my own self and him as well. I have felt overwhelmed by the kids' needs and very alone/seperated from him. (b/c of his work) God is supposed to be enough... I need His strength and hope.

Please visit Anna Jane's site. She is struggling to hang on, as are her (very strong Christian) parents. Please pray for her.
www.caringbridge.org/ok/annajane

Sorry to vent, but that is the color of my world for now. Love to all, and enjoy the Labor Day weekend. Love, Ivy

Tuesday, August 21, 2007 12:41 AM CDT

Long time, no write again...

We made it past another anniversary last month marking the 4th year of Luke's homegoing. It was actually kind of nice to concentrate more on where he is rather than where he isn't. This year we didn't do anything special on the 31st, just quietly acknowledged it.

Dane & Autumn have started their preschool/daycare this month. While I thought it would be Dane who had trouble transitioning, it turns out Autumn is the more upset of the two. Dane just loves going every day to play with his friends and learn about bugs & firefighters (the topics of discussion lately). I think he feels like a big boy because it is "school"- like he has seen Joscelyn do. Autumn gets quite mad at being left which makes it harder on me to leave her all fussy. They are very kind and compassionate at the center & really try hard to bond with the kids. I have gone in intermittenly (at their request) to assure Autumn that she IS ok, that I will be back & to just chill out. Alas, easier said than done. Each day gets a bit easier. Poor girl has had a terrible cold that she shared with me as well as the flu just in the past 3 weeks so that hasn't helped starting daycare either. She and Dane are just 2 doors apart but they only see each other outside on the (separated) play areas. I wish I could wave that magical wand to ease her anxiety! Pray for her if you think of her this week.

Joscelyn starts back to her school a week from today and I get to start college the 3rd week of September so things are kicking into high gear. Actually, they have been! I was not able to test out of that math class I spoke of last posting so that is on my class schedule for fall. I have a tenative one but may make changes if spots become available for other classes closer to the start date. Things just keep moving along, wrapping up the summer & shopping for fall & school supplies. The pool closed last weekend (sadness) but that actually helps me focus more on what I *should* be doing.

Monte and I are in a better place right now. Doing lots of prayer and bible studying. Plus a wonderful lady from church recc. a terrific book to me called "Love & Respect" by Dr. Emerson Eggerich. It focuses on exactly what Ephesians 5:33 says: "Each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." The book takes this Godly directive and expounds on it, interpreting exactly what it means to respect your husband (not love him!) because that is what a man desires most and exactly what is the most difficult thing for a woman to do! And the same goes for men loving women- it is difficult for them because "love" means to unconditionally love (the Hebrew word agape is used) and that is just not how men relate. So obviously God knew the trouble we spouses would have and once again, provides us with divine wisdom to live out our situations- if we would only humbly accept that! So pray for us in that regard too if you will. It is amazing how many marraiges are genuinely hurting or already in serious trouble, even within the church body. Satan's very happy when people find more contempt than goodwill for each other. So very sad.

Well, more pics are posted on the back side. And, if you weren't previously notified, I had to change my email address AGAIN because my ISP changed contracts. We use our connection with our phone svc provider so it is either change or get double billed. Uhg! Till next time, be well. We love you and appreciate your prayers deeply!!

Love, Monte, Ivy, Joscelyn, Dane & Autumn and always St. Luke

Thursday, July 26, 2007 6:19 PM CDT

Only days until it is officially "4" years since I last held my beautiful Luke Gabriel... Yes, the pain is still clearly here. No, time hasn't been much help except to outline the gap between "then" and "now".

As the politicians like to ask each (presidential) election year- "Are you better today than you were 4 years ago?" I have asked myself that alot lately. In many areas I would say YES! Unfortunately just as many I would have to say NO...

One thing that is certainly different is my recollection of things. I was looking through Luke's funeral visitation guestbook last night and was pleasantly surprised to see everyone's name who took time to come to the calling hours/funeral. Amazing outpouring of love during those dark days! The thing that made me sad was that I simply couldn't remember seeing certain people there who obviously WERE there because of their signing of the book. Then I got to feeling bad about so many of the relationships that I just have not managed to keep up with the past 4 years. People who were truly, genuinely reaching out to us then. I am sorry for that. If you are one, please forgive me. So much of the past 4 years has truly been lived on "auto-pilot", with having Dane 6 wks after Luke dying, totally gutting the house we had just bought, going through depression issues, having Autumn, coping with Mom's cancer & subsequent death... and of course Monte & my rocky, frustrating marraige. I feel like I've been so overwhelmed at times, by things going on around me. Yet I always try to pull back and remember that "Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever" (Heb 13:8) Knowing at least He is constant, when everything else, especially my life isn't, is a clarifying spot for me. He knows everything, has seen it all & will one day welcome me Home to be fully complete in Him. What a day of glory that will be and the one thing I can always look forward to.

Marking another anniversary is never easy, especially when so much is unsettled. I can rest knowing where Luke is and that eventually I too will be with him. Until then, I will plod on, clinging to God's promise.

I don't want to leave on a "sad" note- there are good things happening here. I have been able to get the Dane & Autumn enrolled in their daycare/preschool so I can attend college. We have had 2 transition visits which have helped ease all of our anxieties- it seems like a very positive move for all concerned! I am going to retest to see if I can "test out" of that icky math class early next month. That will save me time & money if I can... just have more studying of "x & y" (uhg) God has been moving through this whole college idea/process for me. I am excited to see how He plans to use me through all of it.
We have had fun overall this summer- look for more on that very soon.

Please say a prayer for our family this week= like I said, anniversaries are NOT fun & the mind can be cruel in what it dredges up for you as well. Flashbacks are pain-full. Thanks for loving us... We love you
Ivy & gang
**I DID POST DIFFERENT PICS ON PHOTO PAGE**

Wednesday, July 4, 2007 8:42 PM CDT

Much to update, little time to tell it all but here goes:

I am starting college in the fall to become a registered nurse! It is a 2 yr program (full time) but I am going to go part time so it will most likely take me longer. I have already taken a placement exam which was easier than I'd anticipated after 21 years out of school! I scored 99.9n both reading and writing but was 5 pts off of testing out of math/algebra. So I will take that class even though the advisor offered to let me retake it in hopes of scoring higher. I know myself > that score could easily float downwards as well. I have struggled in the past to stay on top of "x" and don't want to get in over my head now.

My going to school also means I have had to find child care for Dane and Autumn. I have been struggling mightily with that as I have always cherished being home with my kids 24/7. Fortunately there is a "Child Development Center" run by the college on campus & they just let me know this week that they have spots for both of the kids if I want to accept. I have till the 11th to either accept or decline. I have looked around and they certainly seem to offer the best situation as far as location, staffing and availability so I will most likely send them there. Since it is on campus, I can drop in as I want too (btw. classes) That has been the biggest "hurdle" to face during this process so far...

Monte and I have begun a marraige "mentoring" program with another Christian couple too- in hopes of strengthening our marraige and encouraging each other more rather than being like a thorn in each others' sides. This is an older couple we were hooked up with through our church, although they go to a different church locally. They have raised 7 kids and have sadly had to bury one of their sons too. I can see God moving quickly and in unanticipated ways in both our lives. It is a challenge, but fortunately God is faithful and true, especially when we are so very broken.

This is a "hard" weekend coming up- Mom's birthday would've been Saturday and Luke would have been turning 7 Sunday... Both are sorely missed, but my heart still terribly aches over Luke.... It still feels like a torn mass bleeding out on ground. I've simply had to scoop it back up and carry it forward because if I stay *there* I think I would surely die. But it is never, ever the same.

I met up with someone this week at the college who would've been my neighbor, had we not had to sell everything when Luke was ill. (We had 3 acres we were set to build on as well as other property before dx) He asked if I'd ever driven by it as the family who did buy it & developed it. (There is a beautiful neighborhood complete with community pond, walking trail, etc. on site.) I told him I hadn't- the sadness of lost dreams was too overwhelming. Memories of Luke and Joscelyn playing while Monte graded the land abound. He mentioned, as many have, that he doesn't know "how you do it..." All I could say was that "You have no idea how much it changes things..."

Say a prayer of thanks to God after you read this- for sharing Luke, those precious to you whom you love, and especially for Jesus- dying on the cross for US while we are still sinners.

Lukie, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! We WILL ALWAYS ALWAYS LOVE YOU!!! xoxoxoxoxoxo Mommy, Daddy, Joscelyn Dane and Autumn

Thursday, June 14, 2007 5:30 AM CDT

Just dropping a quick line to let you know summer is progressing busily here...The kids and I are hitting the pool frequently (we go to a public one), Joscelyn is taking advantage of "summer rec." that our area has at the school- the kids K-5th get to pick 3 activities to do for an hour each M-Th- she's done it before and really enjoys it. Dane & Autumn and I pass that time swinging or riding bikes. He still has his cast on but it is due to come off in 1 week.

Luke's (would be 7th) birthday is coming up. Summer just brings him back to us so strongly. I spent awhile last night comforting Josc. as she really started crying hard over missing him. She told me "It seems like he wasn't ever here Mom..." Boy did that break my heart. I had already put them to bed but peeked in on them before I laid down and saw her holding his picture weeping. This was the first time in awhile since she really expressed her grief.

Please pray for her on that as well as Monte & I. Once again things are not too smooth between us and we really need the Lord's help with our marraige. Thanks for checking in and walking alongside us on this incredibly rocky journey... Love, Ivy

Wednesday, May 23, 2007 12:06 AM CDT

News of the week: Dane has fractured his left arm! The poor guy fell as he was running in our gravel play area Monday evening. Monte and I were finishing the new wooden play area we'd just gotten for the kids when it happened. As soon as he fell I could tell by his cry that something happened worse than a regular fall. Monte thought it was sprained and hesitated about taking him in to the ER, but my mothers' instinct was telling me different. Plus, I figured if we didn't go then (5:30pm) then I would be really upset at bedtime knowing how much pain he'd be in. So I took Dane over and we were actually treated fairly quickly for the ER. Our favorite (and best!) unit clerk Beth was at work to keep me company which definetly passed the time quicker! She usually is in 'Labor and Delivery' but fortunately for us, the hosp. computer system was screwed up so she could "visit" with us -yay! The ER dr. put a temp cast/splint on Dane & sent us home. Tuesday we went over to our orthapedic dr and he set Dane's arm in a permanent "fashion blue" cast for 4 more weeks. Dane had his right arm fractured June 05 (nearly 2 years exactly!) so he is already a "repeat patient" at the orthapedics office at the fresh young age of 3- geesh!!

Monday night with the boring beige cast...

Tuesday with his brilliant blue cast!

Good news: Autumn is a regular walker & talker now!!! She has finally met all her physical therapy goals after 8 months and too many to count visits. Check out an "action" shot:

Joscelyn's last day of school is June 4th and she is sooo excited! I know that will be short lived as soon as "friend withdrawl" hits. I know I'll have to stay on my toes b/c she likes having things to do, otherwise the tv sucks her right in. (uhhhgggg) Between the new play area and trampoline, I am hoping I can keep them busy a tad longer without being "mrs. entertainment".

You are looking at 2 weekend of hard labor: shoveling 6 TONS of gravel by hand after Monte dug out the area to enlarge it with a small frontloader. Then it took 1.5 hrs just to sort out the parts to the playset and about 10 hours to assemble. If it were up to me to put it together or face a firing squad, I'd have to have chosen the firing squad!! NOT easy!!!

Hope you all have been enjoying the weather. Have a blessed Memorial weekend. Love, Ivy and gang!!

Thursday, May 17, 2007 12:31 AM CDT

We had a fun time out on the pontoon boat last Sunday- check out the photos page to see for yourself. Monte caught a little catfish and I reeled in a bluegill. The kids were having fun just trying to fish- at one point we came up on a "school" of carp who were just gulping air by a shoreline. There must have been 100!! Do you think they were interested in us? Nope, not a chance!!! They were BIG too- I think they could've swallowed Autumn whole if she'd slipped overboard! So after wasting a good bit of time trying to get them to notice our bait, Joscelyn just **had** to go to the bathroom so we puttered off to find the nearest potty. Fun, but no action in that spot!

I had a "Happy Mother's Day" phone call from my dear friend in Oahu (Hawaii) while we were on the lake... We both shared a laugh at the irony- Here I am "celebrating" out on a muddy lake while he's walking the beach in one of the most beautiful places on earth... Yet he's the one calling me to wish me well!!! LOL... Ahhh, the irony of it all!!! You gotta laugh, otherwise you'd cry!

All else is as it always is here- up, down, smiles and frowns... I'm doing another women's bible study (Beth Moore!) and God is speaking loudly again at me. The title of this 4 week study is "Loving Well"- Ha ha ha... (imagine that- me needing to hear about how to love in a Godly way?!) Please excuse my sarcasm, but I must keep myself laughing somehow...

Anyhow, my dear friend and bereaved cancer mom Monica has posted another MUST read post on her daughter Gabbie's site Gabbie's Page TODAY is the 5th anniversary of Gabbie's death. Stop by if you can...

Until next time, have fun and be well... Love Ivy

Friday, May 11, 2007 1:49 PM CDT

Today is Monte's birthday... And he has to work all day. He has too many deadlines on several jobs not to work. So we are postponing his celebration till Sunday. We are renting a pontoon boat out on a local "lake" (translation: mud pond) We are going fishing and barbequing so that should be fun, esp. for the kids. Something different and Monte always likes doing that outdoorsy camping thing. Although we have never gone camping as a family b/c there is always a youngin' to bother with... And to be honest, I am not into that kind of "get away". I'll do a cabin with running hot & cold water and electricity- Any night spent away from my own bed is 'roughing it' to me!!!

Anyhow, been busy with gardening and yardwork. Bought a bigger swingset so now we are enlarging the existing play area which consists of pea gravel. More digging involved and TIME of course. Love the planting and even weed pulling but with Autumn and Dane still being on the high maintenance end, work is limited each day. Progress is slow, but coming around.

I've been struggling with more "sad spells" again. Just purely missing Luke, our happier times as a family, enthusiasm for the 'tomorrows'. Talked with a neighbor this morning who was asking me if having Dane and Autumn so quickly following Luke's death was a blessing to me? (By keeping me "busy") I agreed they were, but I also sometimes think I've put off certain aspects of grieving in order to continue on for them.

I love my family, our things and definetly our Lord. But I do find myself getting "tired" of life and all its struggles. My dad's health is becoming more pain filled, both with his increasing arthritis and emotional sadness over Mom's death. I see his "heartsong" slipping away and feel more grief over that. It just hurts alot some days and yesterday/today have been a couple. I used to find it easy to seek encouragement from God's Word and others. Now it seems like His Word has grown distant again... or somehow I've drifted. That's the hard part to discern...
Things will turn around eventually. Always does- life is cycle after cycle...

Those are my thoughts for today. Thanks for listening- Love ivy

Wednesday, April 25, 2007 10:46 AM CDT

Today was the first day of my official "personal training" with my bro. Chris- who is a personal trainer by profession! Monte gave me 5 hour long sessions with Chris along with my membership to our area "Y" as a Christmas present. He thought he was being smart- I get extra exercise and Chris gets to pocket the money from it so Monte was 'killing 2 birds with one stone'!! LOL... Anyhow, I have been going to the gym @3x a week since January with the exception of a couple weeks where the kids were sick. It's been working- I've lost some weight but not enough to make me comfortable so on we go! Chris had me working my legs today and boy are they jello like right now - wobble wobble wobble!! He's definetly got more discipline than I do as you can see by this competition photo taken March 31st=

While I doubt I'll ever aspire to such definition of musculature, neither do I want to resemble a 4mo pregnant middle aged lady! So I'll drag my butt on into they gym, even when I'd rather stay put...

If you didn't have the chance to visit the links I posted last update, I am posting them again. Thanks for all your love and encouragements!! xo Monte Ivy Joscelyn Dane Autumn and ST. Luke

***********************************************************

PLEASE visit these kids' website when you get a chance.

Olivia is a little 1yr old girl who was just diagnosed with an ependymoma, the same type brain tumor as Luke had. Please leave notes of encouragement for her & her family. Their battle is close to my heart both because of the tumor type and the fact that Olivia's only sibling is her big sister Maddie, who is the same age that Joscelyn was (3) when Luke was dx.

Anna Jane is one of the bravest little cancer warriors I've seen in a long while! Unfortunately, it appears she is losing her earthly battle with the disease (read her mom's April 20th journal entry under journal history = a near replicate of one of my entries when I found out Luke was indeed terminal)

And finally, visit Gabbie's Page for a poignant entry (April 20th as well) on what it feels like to take your dying child home for the last time. Gabbie's mom Monica is a true Christian inspirational woman to me... I think you'll appreciate what she has to say and how she says it.

Monday, April 23, 2007 6:00 PM CDT

I am in a better mood-place-funk- whatever you wish to term it. (Yes, the weather is better.) I've also had time to "think" about where I am in my life right now- what's gone behind, what I have to work with now, what the options are in the future. It gets hard being in the 'valley' so often and I lose sight of hope, goals, what I do "have". Although I am very blessed in many respects, unfortunately my heart often falls into the "what I am lacking" department. I tend to get lost and oh so frustrated! Especially because I know I am not alone there but so many of us have our hands tied at this stage of our lives.
Losing a child is like the "lowest blow" and we tend to want to minimize the pain, hurry past it, not remember the most painful times in our lives. And for me, this just stirs up the other hurtful memories of loss I have encountered, (which it called "complicated grief" I am told). So like a big pot of Ugly Moments Stew -aka crummy life moments- they simmer around you waiting for you to acknowledge their prescense. For me, when I think about one, another inevitably follows- like Satan is saying "Yeah, that one hurt; but remember THIS one?! Look how many other ways you could have dealt with it! Do you see you are heading towards more heartache now? Don't you want to get out... run away, find a quieter place??"
Anyhow, while I know certain holidays/anniversaries will trigger bigger battles, sometimes it just comes. I have to learn to rely more on God's grace and mercies, remember that I don't have as much control over the event happening but I DO have control over turning it over to God. Always always it is a battle for me.

Speaking of battles, PLEASE visit these kids' website when you get a chance.

Olivia is a little 1yr old girl who was just diagnosed with an ependymoma, the same type brain tumor as Luke had. Please leave notes of encouragement for her & her family. Their battle is close to my heart both because of the tumor type and the fact that Olivia's only sibling is her big sister Maddie, who is the same age that Joscelyn was (3) when Luke was dx.

Anna Jane is one of the bravest little cancer warriors I've seen in a long while! Unfortunately, it appears she is losing her earthly battle with the disease (read her mom's April 20th journal entry under journal history = a near replicate of one of my entries when I found out Luke was indeed terminal)

And finally, visit Gabbie's Page for a poignant entry (April 20th as well) on what it feels like to take your dying child home for the last time. Gabbie's mom Monica is a true Christian inspirational woman to me... I think you'll appreciate what she has to say and how she says it.

Thanks for following along on the journey. Sending out love and hugs to all of you!! xoxo Monte Ivy Joscelyn Dane Autumn and St. Luke

NEW PHOTOS POSTED!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, April 14, 2007 12:21 AM CDT

Here we are mid April and it is only a paltry 40* outside. I am really struggling with staying positive lately- This weather with its cold temps and boringly grey overcast skies just fizzle any ambitions I might conjure up. We were doing so well, the daffodils all bursting open, beautiful sparkly white cherry blossoms on my weeping cherry trees, happy violas sprouting up... I even got my garden decor out of storage from the winter and put it out. That always energizes me. Well then *poof*, all gone since Good Friday (4/6). As far as I can tell, it's supposed to stay cold the upcoming week too.

While I can't entirely blame the weather for my bleak mood, it sure hasn't helped. I seemed to be doing ok till Easter, and I am not sure if it's backlash or what but my heart hurts bad for Lukie and just "good times" in general. Easter was well, we had everyone over for dinner (my side and Monte's). The kids had fun and it was relatively uneventful. I just get angry over each passing holiday spent without Luke, and I also recognize other parents who are living through the same heartache. I read about all the other horrors in the world happening (abuse, war, abuse, abuse...) and I have to admit I am VERY angry this continues to go on! Except for prayer- even for myself- I feel helpless to stop it. Only Jesus coming back will restore it. And that doesn't seem to be happening anytime soon. I am hoping I am wrong on this.

Apologies for spouting such negative muck, but I am just frustrated very much with life, feel like I am stuck in that ugly ol' trap again and it gets hard to "just snap out of it". Hopefully next post will be cherrier-
Love, Ivy

Tuesday, March 20, 2007 10:08 AM CDT

Miss You Luke Gabriel!!! We Miss You Luke Gabriel! We Miss You Luke Gabriel!

Hello everybody!!
Yes, Monte did shave his head as you can see by the photos below. My very good friend of over 20 years did the honors and it was a blast! I still am not sure of the totals raised as I write this but Monte surpassed his personal goal of $1500- which is a BIG THANK YOU to all of you who made that possible!!! The event was much more successful than I thought it might be, being this the first year it has come to the area.

Fortunately our community is very supportive of the families touched by pediatric cancer. God has created a soft spot in peoples' hearts for the children.... Pray that our hearts grow in passion for the abused children we are hearing about both locally and nationally as well. It has been deeply disturbing to me to read so many frequent accounts of abuse being consciously laid upon the littlest ones. Absolutely horrifying. Please pray fiercely for them.

Our family has been hit with that very nasty cold/fever thingy going around since early last week. I am the (hopefully) last one to come down with it. Poor Monte had his head shaved Friday night and spent the next 48 hours in bed with the ickies, along with little Dane and Autumn. Joscelyn had it the weekend prior. I am not so bad, just sleeping more than usual.

Getting ready for EASTER now- have my (genuine faux) Easter lilies out, egg decor on the trees, life-like plastic pink and blue bunnies hopping and have had the kids practicing hunting for easter eggs inside. WHAT does that have to do with the resurrection?! I don't know but I too have fallen into the secular displays. We do tell the kids (over and over it seems) about how Christ died for us so we don't have to be seperated from God, but that we must respond to that crucifixtion by asking and making Jesus Lord of our lives. It's that last part of "making Jesus Lord of our lives" that is the challenging part for most of us-repentence;turning away from (ourselves) Thankfully God's mercies ARE new every day.

Thank YOU for checking in, stopping by, following along!! Hope you are well in your households and remember spring is *just around the corner*!! Love, Monte, Ivy Joscelyn Dane, Autumn and ST. Luke

Wednesday February 28, 2007 2:00 PM CST

***"THANK YOU LUKE", performed by Pastor Paul Lintern for Lukie's funeral, August 4, 2003 (adapted from Ray Boltz)***

Thoughts on friends; I went to a Beth Moore conference a couple of weeks ago and she spoke on biblical friendships. Yesterday at my MOPS group the topic was on friends again. I feel God is drawing people closer and emphasizing the need (especially among women) for deeper friendships between us. For myself, my closest friendships trail back to elementary school and the years just following high school. Despite all life throws at us, truly our girlfriends endure it all. Each of us play a special, invaluable role in each other's lives. I want to share something that was given to me by one of our "mentor moms" at MOPS yesterday. It really hits home:

TO THE WONDERFUL WOMEN IN MY CIRCLE

When I was little, I used to believe in the concept of one best friend, and then I started to become a woman. And then I found out that if you allow your heart to open up, God would show you the best in many friends.

One friend is needed when you're going through things with your man.

Another friend is needed when you're going through things with your mom.

Another when you want to shop, share, heal, hurt, joke or just be.

One friend will say let's pray together, another let's cry together, another let's fight together, another let's walk away together.

One friend will meet your spiritual need, another your shoe fetish, another your love for movies, another will be with you in your season of confusion, another will be your clarifier, another the wind beneath your wings.

But whatever their assignment in your life, on whatever the occasion, on whatever the day or wherever you need them to meet you with their gym shoes on and hair pulled back, or to hold you back from making a complete fool of yourself...those are your best friends.

It may all be wrapped up in one woman, but for many it's wrapped up in several...one from 7th grade, one from high school, several from the college years, a couple from old jobs, several from church, on some days your mother, on some days your neighbor, on others your sisters and on some days your daughters.

So whether they've been there 20 minutes or 20 years, let the women that God has placed in your life to make a difference know it!

I am posting the link to the St. Baldrick's website for Monte again: HUGE THANK YOU to all of you who have already given Monte a big headstart on reaching his goal!!*Donations continue to be greatly appreciated!!*

***St. Baldrick's webpage for Monte***

(SOON TO BE; 'Like father like son!')

We would LOVE to see you come out and support the people shaving- it will be FUN! Also, if you know (LOCALLY) of any kids who have been touched by childhood cancer please let them know about this. It would be fantastic to be able to honor these children and their families in person. Really, it is for them that these pediatric cancer fundraisers happen.

Love and prayers,
Monte, Ivy Joscelyn Dane Autumn and ST. Lukie...

Sunday, February 4, 2007 4:34 PM CST

Happy Super Bowl day!
Who's playing anyhow?! LOL.. Yes, we are totally unaffected by this American "holiday"... But I do know the Bears are up against the Colts...That is the full extent of my knowledge :-)

We have alot going on here at the Ervin house again! Before I get into that I want to say how kind you all have been in response to my posting of what I told my MOPS mothers last month. (last journal entry) It was alot harder on me than I'd anticipated, reliving many moments. So many were untold because of time restraints but I hope the poignancy of Luke's cancer was revealed. And mostly how important God is to us!

Ok- The major "happening" is that Monte is participating as a shavee in our first ever local ST. BALDRICK'S SHAVE A THON!! It is done to raise money for pediatric cancer research. A friend and fellow cancer mom, Nan Lofas, shaved her head in honor of Luke last year out in Portland Oregon. Her son Johan is also battling brain cancer (see their website link below) This is the first year an event is being held around us, sponsered by another local family whose son Brandon Alt, also died from his cancer a few years ago. (Ironically, Brandon's mother Pam and I went to school and graduated the same year together...) Monte's personal goal is to raise $1500. He's nervous about how he will look bald, but figures it is worth it in honor of the kids. I, on the other hand, am a big chicken! Yes, I am too scared, vain, panicky to commit to being bald... Short I can go, but I gotta have something there to twist, pull or color! LOL..I think it's the ex-hairdresser in me! Monte has encouraged Dane to shave his head too- not a very difficult a thing to talk a 3 year old into :-) My brother Joe has had his head shaved for years now, my father is bald and several of our male friends are a bit on the hairless topside so he figures it's an "in" thing anyways. So if you want to SPONSER MONTE (we are not too proud to beg around here!) check out the link below:

***St. Baldrick's webpage for Monte***

I am also coordinating the blood drive THIS Wednesday, Feb 7th at Berean Baptist. If you are local, please come out and donate- we'll be there from 12-6 with homebaked goodies for you when you are done! There is actually a blood shortage going on in our area so it is VERY IMPORTANT we get people to come out. You can email me personally if you are able to schedule an appointment!

**I have accidently deleted several other emails some of you may have sent me the past couple of months. I truly apologize and if you wouldn't mind re-sending them, I promise I will reply to them within one week.**

It has been hectic otherwise here as Autumn brought us the "lovely" cold virus 2 weeks ago and we have all had our turns with it since. Mine turned into an infection so I had to see the dr. to get antibiotics again- 3x since mid December- uhg!! So when I have had energy, I have had to direct it to regular household stuff as well as collecting the tax info, doing 1099's, calculating the coming and goings of our money this year- in other words, more "sickening" stuff! LOL... Have yet to tally it all up either... sigh...

Well that is enough for me- check out the photos- I uploaded some new ones for you. We love your postings and are encouraged by your friendships. Hope each of you stay well- Love, Monte, Ivy Joscelyn Dane Autumn and ST. Luke

Tuesday, January 23, 2007 12:50 AM CST

I got through my MOPS testimony about Luke... I wanted to share what I said with you... I would have updated about something else, but I am emotionally drained from this morning. I didn't anticipate that, but the "recounting" took more energy than I thought... I hope God touches you through Luke's story. We love you-

Miss You Luke Gabriel!!! We Miss You Luke Gabriel! We Miss You Luke Gabriel!

I am Ivy Ervin & I've been asked to share with you about my son Luke. Luke is the 2nd of our 4 children. He died July 31, 2003 after a courageous 1.5 year battle against brain cancer. Luke was only 23 days past his 3rd birthday.

I'll try to give you a brief background into his illness.:

Luke's tumor was discovered Feb 28, 2002 during a MRI here at MedCentral. He was having the MRI to try to discern why he had been holding his head to the right. During his routine 18mo well child visit to our peds., I had brought up how Luke seemed to walk with his head tilted, despite not having been injured in any way. Curious, the peds. began testing various areas- Luke had a cervical xray, a visit with a pediatric opthamologist as well as some PT. Since all exams were coming up clear, a more detailed scan was needed to find an answer. So we were scheduled for the MRI as it produces much clearer results than other scans.

The MRI began at 1pm. By 4:00 Monte and I were meeting with one of the top 5 pediatric neurosurgeons in the US- Dr. Edward Kosnik. The radiation staff at MedCentral had seen the tumor in Luke's brain, so they called our pediatrician to tell her what they saw. I was asked after a time to come to the phone, their faces filled with apprehension. Nervously I took the phone and was told to "stay calm, there is a mass in Luke's head and I need you to go to Columbus immediately. I am arranging for you to meet with their chief of neurology as soon as you can get there. I would advise you to take an overnight bag."

Thus began the most frightful and heartbreaking experience of our lives. * to this point.*
During the next 17 months, Luke would spend 97 days inpatient, endure neurosurgery, 2 central line (broviac) placements/surgeries, receive 5 rounds of high dose chemotherapy, be sedated in order to have 6 more MRI's as well as numerous other tests designed to moniter the response of his internal organs to the toxins (such as his hearing, kidney function)

Luke lost his hair after his first round of chemotherapy. The chemo also caused ulcerations throughout his digestive tract which in turn caused him to lose over 20f his body weight. We began to feed him through his central line daily and continued to do so for 2 months after active treatment ended. Due to the strength of the chemotherapy, Luke also had his own stem cells harvested and cryogenically frozen. They were then given back to him during the last 2 of the 5 sessions as his own bone marrow was giving up.

Luke needed 29 units of blood products during the 15 weeks of treatment. That means it took 29 individual people to donate blood just to let my son make it through his cancer treatment. This is why I am such an advocate of blood donations- I have experienced first hand the absolute necessity of donors. Please consider this when you are approached about donating. You truly ARE saving a life.

Monte and I chose to take Luke off chemo treatments after the 5th dose. We had another MRI done which revealed continued tumor growth, despite all Luke had been given. The treatments had nearly killed him, and now we were seeing that they were ineffective as well.

We met with his neurosurgeon again as well as his oncologist Dr. Randy Olshefski. Let me first tell you about his oncologist. Dr. Olshefski is a man of deep Christian faith with whom we have developed a close friendship that continues to this day. From the first week we had met, Dr. Olshefski advised us to "Keep your eyes on Jesus". I remember the evening we met him, as Luke lay in bed recovering from his neurosurgery. We had been briefed by the neurologist that Luke did indeed have cancer & that the oncologist in charge of brain tumors would be down to talk with us.

I knew a bit about cancer as my mother had already been through 1 round of breast cancer, relapsing only 6 days before Luke was dx. At the time of our meeting, I was distraught, exhausted and overwhelmed by it all- having been there 6 days without any firm answers. When Dr. Olshefski came in after 5pm finally, I remember clearly feeling God's calming prescense fall upon me saying "BE STILL- this is the man who I want to take care of Luke".

Fast fwd back to our meeting with the neurosurgeon and Dr. Olshefski- This meeting took place Aug 1 2002,- 5 months into Luke's therapy. On that day a parent's worst nightmare was revealed: Luke was indeed terminal. Their best educated guess based on the past tumor activity was a 3-6 mo prognosis. That is all Luke would be with us, or so they thought.... We were shocked. No matter what you already know- the fact that your child will soon die is simply impossible to get your mind around.

Early on we knew that this was a possible scenario. But we felt surely God would spare us this! At dx, we had been told that even with the best, most current aggressive treatment, Luke still only had a 30hance of living to age 5. I have now learned that he had less than a 1hance of ever turning 10.

So what do you do when you find out that your precious child, your flesh and blood boy, who you love more than life itself is going to die?? Monte and I utterly broke down in prayer & despair before God. We waited on the Lord... and took the little we had each day to give back. We resolved no to let the remainder of Luke's life be one of sorrow or pain or regret. We resolved to make Jesus as real to him as we were to him.

We took several trips- one being to Disney in Fla courtesy of the Special Wish Fdtn.- a local wish granting organization. We packed as much living into the next few months as possible. Luke's health recovered and he carried on as most other 2-3 yr olds do: being silly, getting into trouble, teasing his sister Joscelyn, being the adorable little boy he was. Other than his very thin head of hair, most people did not see Luke as being different, let alone as the "little boy with the brain tumor".

God was beyond gracious to us during that time- He turned a 3-6 mo prognosis into a whole year!! Luke had another MRI schedule in May 03 which unfortunately showed increased tumor activity again. Since Luke was still asymptomatic, we returned home to try to steal as much time away from the tumor as possible. We celebrated his 3rd birthday July 8th, 2003, only to be admitted to CCH on Saturday July 12 at which time we were given little hope that Luke would leave the hospital alive.

Again God's mercy rained down on us, allowing us to take Luke home under hospice care 4 days later on July 16th. God continued to defy the medical predictions of 3-10 days. Luke was able to spend the next 15 days with us. We surrounded him constantly, holding him, loving him and reassuring him as his body fought valiantly to hang on. He died in the early morning hours of July 31st, lying in bed next to me, my arms wrapped around him.

The cancer had finally torn Luke's beautiful 3 yr old body, literally breaking his brainstem. We had kept Luke as painfree as possible during those last few days, ever increasing the morphine to accomodate his pain. Yet just as Luke's cancer progression did not follow text book cases, neither did his death play out the way it was expected. He died after many days of bitter fighting- not quietly slipping into a coma as was typical.

Death is final. Period. You are done on this side of heaven. There is nothing left but a shell we call "the body", and your memories. The pain Monte and I have gone through has been intolerable. Picture the hearse backing up to your house to "retrieve the body" which happens to be your child.... An image I doubt I will ever forget.

Intolerable, undescribible. I can tell you this: without God I would not be here. We had to arrange funeral, pick out a burial spot and a burial outfit, and somehow continue to care for Joscelyn- who at 4 years old was grieving as well. Her best friend, her brother, simply was no more. I was 6 weeks away from delivering Dane; we were living at my parents' house as we were waiting to take possession of our current home. We were utterly broken and drowning in sorrow.

Praise God for who He Is!! He knows our suffering. He sent sooo many people to come alongside us both before, during and after Luke's illness. The hearts reaching out in love, compassion and support- one of the dearest to us being Peggy and her husband Paul. So many acting as the hands & feet of Christ. THAT is what has gotten us through. The LOVE of Christ shown to us.

We continue to grieve. It just takes different forms, different flavors. We try channeling it into positive things like Luke's Legacy Toy Drive, coordinating blood drives, reaching out to other families who are either fighting cancer or grieving as well.

Mostly, we remember. We remember what God has done for US-....for Luke & through Luke. And we are ever humbly grateful that God cared enough to save us, and that He is God! Thank you for listening... God bless.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007 7:34 PM CST

Hi everyone!

Yesterday (Martin Luther King Jr Day) we took the 400 toys down to Columbus Children's Hospital from the WVMC radio station here in Mansfield. What a thrill to see how many wonderful toys were donated to the children- games, crafts, books, personal CD players, journals, baby crib items, big "step 2" ride-on toys= WOW!!! We loaded it all up on Monte's trailer and also in our minivan for the drive down. It barely fit!! That is a GOOD problem! We had tarps to cover it amidst this lovely winter rain monsoon we have been experiencing, yet we still had to pull off the road for a re-adjustment half way down. It took several trips into the hospital to unload it. The staff that greeted us were likewise impressed with the amount and quality of gifts being donated. So once again, THANK YOU from the bottom of our hearts!!! Not only are you helping keep Luke's memory alive, but you are also blessing so many other families with your generosity!!! Monte and I are so grateful that along with WVMC we are able to be instruments in helping others share in God's grace and love!

CHECK OUT THE LINK BELOW TO SEE VIDEO OF US COLLECTING THE TOYS MONDAY!!! Courtesy of the Mansfield News Journal. Let me know if you can not view it. Once you are on their site, you may need to check the right hand column for "Luke's Legacy Toy Drive" and click on it to upload it onto their player.

I am due to give a 10 minute "testimony" as to what it has been like having to experience the death of a child. I am speaking to my MOPS group next Tuesday at church (please pray God's love is heard). While I am happy to share with others what all Luke's life and death have meant to me, I am really concerned I won't be able to keep it within the 10 minute time frame AND be clear at the same time!! You all who know me are smiling and nodding in agreement!! LOL God has certainly given me the "gift of gab" :-) I am just working on getting things down to the main events and asking God what He would have me focus on- not always an easy discernment for sure! sigh...

I am also hosting another blood drive coming up on the 7th of February at Berean (our church). I started doing these in honor of Luke as well as other cancer patients the year he died. It took 29 units of blood just to help Luke survive his chemotherapy protocol! After experiencing firsthand the absolute necessity of donors, I felt compelled to do more to make sure others would have blood when they needed it too. So, if you are local, PLEASE get in touch with me and I'll set you up an appointment!

Thanks for stopping by Luke's webpage- Your love and support have meant ALOT to us over time. Have a blessed week!! Love, Monte, Ivy Joscelyn Dane Autumn and of course, St. Luke! xo xo

Thursday, January 4, 2007 1:31 PM CST

Happy New Year everyone!

God is soooo faithful! The Luke's Legacy Toy Drive brought in over 350 toys again for the kids down at Columbus Children's hospital! THANK YOU to all who sent or brought toys to the radio station or our home- You are simply amazing in your generosity! I will be taking them down to the hospital next week for delivery and I promise you each one will be treasured by a grateful infant/child/teen. And their parents!

I want to ask for special prayer for the parents of a 4 year old named Trevor Swift. He just died Dec 13th from AML (leukemia). I just learned of his story via a friend at our women's bible study. He was the only child and was diagnosed a mere 9 weeks ago. His parents are followers of Jesus Christ, but I can tell you, even with faith their future is going to be tough. My heart bleeds for them. I know too that your comments of "being there" and prayers sent along with notes of encouragement definetly got us through those first years. I do not have their email but I do have this website you can visit for their mail address.
http://www.waywardsun.com/trevor/

If you have time, drop them a note... if not, please pray for them. The mother (Carrie) was the babysitter for my friend's children when they were young- that is how I came about this connection.

Ok- all is well here. I still have the tree up as Dane got upset when he saw me "putting away Christmas". He asked if I would leave it up till summer! "How 'bout that?" he asked! Sigh... I am one who likes to put the tree and decorations away BEFORE New Year's, so I am really stretching about now!! I think I will have to put it away when he takes a nap sometime next week and hope he forgets about it. Hee hee hee... He is just really enjoying the ornaments and does look at them daily... Joscelyn and Autumn seem oblivious to it. Go figure.

We were very busy over the holidays and all went pretty well. We swam twice- an overnight at an area motel that has an indoor water park and one day at our area Y where my bro is a personal trainer so he brought us in as his guests. Both were great fun- Dane is fearless in the water which is not always a good thing as he can't swim. Certainly trusts that Mom or Dad are "right there" though! Autumn is up for anything and Joscelyn is like a fish (although she can't formally swim either) We had her in lessons at a younger age and they just didn't stick. Just haven't made time for them since although I do believe in swim lessons/safety.

We also did the family/relative get togethers, meals which were fun. I took the kids bowling and shopping New Years Eve as Monte was sick with ____? Odd this year because Monte was sick, my bro. Chris as well as my SIL Allison- all on the same day!! So NO, I did not see the "ball" drop for the umpteenth year in a row...

Joscelyn went back to school just this Wednesday. I can hardly believe how fast it has all gone. No snow here which is another weird thing. Usually we have had at least a couple of "tracking" snows by now. We have a ski area close by and they just opened a tubing section for families- YAY! I checked it out last Friday and they even have tubes deep enough for little Autumn :-) Of course it is all artificial snow right now but I do see us hitting that hill very soon!!

www.snowtrails.com
Here is that webpage if you want to look at the fun we'll soon have!

I gotta run but thank's again for helping out on our toy drive this year! God is always doing wonderful things- even if it is through such an ugly circumstance as Luke's death. Thank you our Sovereign One!!

Love, Monte, Ivy Joscelyn Dane Autumn and St. Luke

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