This has been a long week. I waited to hear about starting my oral chemotherapy early in the week, but then by Wednesday the pharmacy had called and the medication would show up Thursday via mail. I saw the tracking and knew it was coming before noon, so I held off on food after a small breakfast so I could take it on an empty stomach as instructed. I thought I was well-prepared based on my previous meds and having spoken with the pharmacist the week before. Nothing seemed off, but there was still a bit of anxiousness in the anticipation. When the medication arrived, I opened the box and then felt a prompting to just read (via Google)some patient reviews to see how others had handled side effects and what seemed to be the most common (usually i would have done this much prior to, but I wasn't thinking clearly then i guess). Anyway, overall the reviews had positive results, but then there was this ONE. The ONE that didn't fit...it was the exception that no one getting ready to take this medication actually wants to read. I froze. I panicked. I stood in my kitchen over cookies and cried like a baby. I could hardly breathe or speak a word. I was scared and felt incredibly alone. I texted a sweet friend (also going thru cancer/chemo and who is very wise). She offered some counsel, but most importantly, promised to pray for wisdom. I also texted a few friends who work as pharmacists in oncology. They are offered perspective, wisdom, reassurance, and comfort. I called Cade and broke down some of my biggest fears...it was probably the most raw I had been in awhile with these deep emotions. I could hardly have a conversation all day without tears and the meds sat unopened on the counter. But God also spoke in big ways that day. He reminded me that I am not alone, and that He has placed people along the way...people who have loved me well and are using the gifts God has given them as an overflow to me. It is very humbling when I have very little to offer in return.
And this week...the LOVE...all the LOVE. Cancer can be a very isolating experience, but God knows what I need and when. This week gaps were filled with encouraging words from friends, gift cards, texts, etc... This week we also celebrated my birthday and Mother's Day! These bright spots of family time together, volleyball tournaments, walks with Cade, graduation planning, and couch snuggles, are all moments I am savoring now more than ever.
In regard to treatment, I did end up starting the meds on Friday morning, so I am just a few days in. I could start noticing some side effects in about a week. This is not a pretty med and it could make me a hot, tired mess, but we are praying for mild side effects and lots of stamina! I also have my biopsy scheduled for today at 2:30, so we would appreciate any prayers for that. Mostly praying that we get clear answers that help guide our treatment and the process, and also that the cancer has not evolved/morphed to make things more complicated.
I have been trying to get outside and walk more, so I started listening to audiobooks to pass the time. I am loving them (and will take suggestions!). Anyway, a couple weeks ago I was listening to the book
Educated and something struck me as the author talked about wind, so much so, that I even stopped on my walk and literally took note of it. There was a time in the book when she, and several other students and a professor, had gone up high on top of a building. It was a very windy day and several of the students/teacher were afraid to walk and stand out of fear that the wind would basically knock them over/off the building, but the author seemed to walk steadily and without hesitation. In a paraphrased way, she said not to fight against it. If you don't fall on the ground in the wind, you won't fall up high. If you're afraid of the height, you are working to hard to compensate against it. I am not sure why, but this reminded me so much of how I need to live when this journey gets a little "windy". I trust God on the ground--when things seem steady, going my way. I see the blessings, and I know that He is with me. So, I also need to remember Him when I am up high in the wind. When I feel like I am right on the edge, it's not my job to overcompensate. God loves me and has me in His palm and under the same love as when things seem great. I have to trust that He holds me and steadies me as I walk high in the wind. I must not sit in fear up high in the wind because I will likely miss a great view. It's a risk to trust; it's a risk to surrender every fear and scary thought. Right now I feel like I am walking in the wind...slow and with a little bit of hesitancy, but the more I walk, the less I feel the wind at all.
I know I say this a lot, but I truly mean it. I have told Cade this before, but I would seriously be on my phone or writing "thank you" notes all day to keep up with the love so many of you have shown. But quite honestly, I can't. I just feel awful and guilty that I can't thank you each very personally. I feel like I have no capacity to reciprocate what has been given...it is beyond humbling. But, please know, we see you all. We value and hold tightly to your words of encouragement and words of wisdom. Your gift cards are put to good use for meals, or simply to be able to treat our kids on a rough day. We are blown away in each wave of this craziness by how generous people are. We try, whenever we are able, to pay the love forward when we see opportunities to love people well in their own stress-filled seasons of life. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for each of you!!
My biopsy later today should be fairly simple and non-invasive. I will have an appt in about two weeks where hopefully we have results, check the toxicity of the meds in my system, and meet with the surgeon so we can all be on the same page:). Just continued prayers for wisdom, strength, and energy would be great.
Love to you all,
Jill
"I have set the Lord always before me; because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken." Psalm 16:8
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TY-jh4RS_I0c Great song by Danny Gokey
