Hi friends!  I thought I would send a quick update to start the summer!  My first praise is that school is out and it’s nice to have the kids home!  The month of May was a beast with lots of stress and studying, end of year programs, and lots of cookie orders!  I have finished baking and am taking some time off this summer, and we have a new high school graduate on our hands—and I almost had to miss it!  This past weekend, Cade took me to the ER around 1:30 am Friday morning because I had horrible stomach pain. I basically was diagnosed with what I think was a milder version of pancreatitis.  They admitted me Friday morning and reluctantly released me late afternoon as I promised to take it easy and stick to the fluid diet.  So, we basically went from the hospital to set up for Brooklyn’s grad party.  At her party on Saturday, it was such a joy to see so many people that we love…I just lived in that moment and at the end of the party realized I literally did not take one single picture! But, it was physically draining, especially not having slept much the night before, so we had a quiet afternoon and evening resting. Then Sunday we roasted in the bleachers on a beautiful day for graduation!  She is now a Boilermaker!!  This weekend would not have been possible without my village—my sister + other family,  the bestest friends, and the amazing women in my Bible Study pulled together to finish what I had started and did all of the last second things to have a successful celebration, as well as helped give kids rides, etc…!

Medical Update:

I have been on my chemo pill now for about a month. With this recent scare, I am taking a full week off the med and will be restarting it on Monday at a lower dosage. Other than possible pancreas inflammation, I have been dealing with multiple side effects.  I am extremely tired, and honestly, often just feel like a shell of a person walking around on drugs.  If you’ve engaged with me outside of the house in the last couple weeks, it likely took everything out of me to be appropriately dressed with a smile and to have a conversation.  Another unappealing side effect has simply been mouth sores.  I didn’t originally develop actual sores, but the way I have described it to people has been that my mouth feels like someone broke a glass bottle and then swished it around in my mouth—ha! Hence, food and drinks have been challenging in dealing with both pain and taste.  I do remember a version of this with my meds a few years ago, and it did pass, so I am holding onto hope that this will tooJ I have also been dealing with high blood pressure (from the meds) for the last three weeks, so they have added in a med for that as well.

In regard to my biopsy from a few weeks ago, it basically just confirmed that lymph nodes are also filled with disease.  I guess we were grateful to know it is coming back with the same pathology and we are not dealing with anything different.  It is hard to get through this next couple of months not knowing what is actually going on inside my body, seeing how aggressive everything has become in just the last few months.  I will be anxious to see if they feel like the current chemo med will be an effective treatment.  We did meet with the surgeon a couple weeks ago, and although talking with her was like speaking a foreign language as she used big words and pointed to things on the CT we can’t see with our non-doctor eyes, we did learn of her biggest concern.  Currently I have two large lymph nodes squeezing an artery near my heart.  But, when it all came down to it, we are waiting for scans at the end of this month to see if the meds are helping before we take steps towards doing any surgery.  It was like drinking from a fire hose, so I basically told her I just needed to know when/if I needed surgery so we could make sure it works in our life—ha!

I do feel like I put my best foot forward when going out, so it is hard to see behind the mask.  It does literally take so much energy to just shower and get ready and be presentable to people who don’t see me all the time.  I think people often assume a person’s efforts to look good always also reflects how they feel on the inside. Sometimes I can tell when people might assume that, and I don’t have the energy to explain to them why I feel like crap, so I just nod and say “fine!” when they ask how things are going. In saying all of that, I still have perspective and understand things could be so much worse and I am fortunate to feel well enough to do lots of things. It does continue to weigh heavily on me, though, to feel like a lot of my life is different now than I had ever expected.  Recently our pastor talked about Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, and how they passed up all of the abundance God had given them, and only wanted the one thing they couldn’t have.  I find myself in that mind space at times…longing for what I feel is being withheld from me, instead of being satisfied with what God has for me in my current circumstances. 

Recently, I not only feel the need to explain myself, but also to apologize.  Life in the last couple years has moved more quickly around me than I can actually move—literally and figuratively! We have been overwhelmed with meals, gift cards, notes of encouragement, texts, random acts of kindness, and the list goes on. I am amazed at our community and the overflow of love.  We know you each by name and are so thankful for your generosity, so if you don’t get a personal thank you, it isn’t because we aren’t grateful.  Our life’s pace with 4 kids has been filled to the brim and beyond and I just can’t keep up with even day to day tasks:/ 

In my current state of my health, I have seemed to emotionally flatline. My faith has not wavered, but parts of me have withered.  I am hoping in my time off this summer to find that again.  I told Cade the other day that I don’t find myself in a state of depression, and I do believe I still find joy in things, but I’m not connecting.  I’m not bitter and my heart has not hardened, but maybe my mind has?  I feel like I have grown a little numb to the hard.  The news this spring was surprising and my mind gets triggered easily to the “what if” places.  With Brooklyn graduating, the letting go has been an adjustment too. I know she needs to go to find true independence, but the release is just hard.  I have hardly shed many tears, so I am waiting for the floodgates to break at some point.

Summer…..

We are hoping summer can bring some much need time for our family to rest and connect.  Ellie and I are heading to Orlando for her vball nationals tournament and then our family is connecting for a vacation in Washington D.C.  Our older kids never did this trip in 8th grade, and it is a place I love, so we are excited to show them around our nation’s capital!! Cade is also on sabbatical this summer, which will allow for more downtime at home. Cade and I are taking a little trip with friends from college and are anticipating that time away too.  Sometimes I am not sure if it’s because we are getting older, or how I am feeling, but I feel like I am wanting to be with our kids more and more.  It’s weird how when the are little it can be hard to leave them, but then, now that ours are closer to leaving, I feel the same way…so basically middle school I could have done without-ha!

It's weird to think all of our kids are working in some capacity this summer, so I am thankful they will stay busy.  Cade is also in his second year running a lawn mowing business which employs some of our kids (and others), and is allowing me to take the break I am with cookies.  I am so grateful for a husband who provides and protects.

I can’t say I know exactly what God has been teaching me in this season, but I have learned over time to be attentive and listening.  I do feel confused and trapped at times, still having the mind and desires of who I felt I once was, and how to channel those same attributes to my current circumstances. I know I have surrendered my life to Him and want to be used in any way…I truly believe that,  but sometimes I want to put an asterisk that says “as long as I am here with my family”. There are so many admirable people in the Bible, but in many ways when I think of true surrender I am reminded of Mary.  When the angel came to her, she said, “Behold, I am the servant of the Lord; let it be to me according to your word.”  Wow, she truly trusted God’s plan for her life despite what her circumstances were.  Her saying “yes” could have rippled to difficulty for many of the people she loved, but she knew God would not lead her (or others) through something He hadn’t already paved a way for.  Sometimes when my thoughts spiral I know I need to remember these things.  That God has not just laid out my path, but the path for Cade and the kids as well. 

Things the last couple weeks have been a whirlwind, so I am so sorry if you feel left out of the loop of what has been going on. I was waiting to post until we had something to post that wasn’t going to change!  As far as specific prayer requests, we do have a couple:

·      For our family this summer—that we would find true rest and be reignited for the fall.

·      For the scans I have at the end of the month—to maybe see that the medicine may keep us from surgery, but if there needs to be surgery, just that there is clarity and discernment for the doctors.

·      For my personal energy and drug side effects.  It would be wonderful to someday soon eat normal food againJ

·      For boundaries—I am really trying to take a step back in the coming year.  This is not something I want to do, but life has revealed its hand and I have seen my recent limitations and I want to be discerning about where my energy is spent. During this time, God has shown me that sometimes my pride took priority over the ministry and direction He has for me, and I want to be open to hearing from Him more than the accolades of others.

Again, we thank each of you for sustaining us over these last few years.  Any bits of encouragement thru snail mail, porch drop-offs, texts, gift cards, meals, etc…help us not feel so alone. Overall, I know we are so blessed day in and day out...we have access to great doctors, supportive friends and family, and breath in my lungs.  

Lamentations 3:22–24

The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
“The LORD is my portion,” says my soul,
“therefore I will hope in him.” 

thanks and love to all,
Jill + family