Hi friends! As a brief recap, in February, scans were showing a little bit of growth in the tumors in my lungs.  Dr. Armstrong thought repeating chemo again like last spring would be our first line of defense to try.  I have completed three rounds of chemo since February.  I was super grateful that in the midst of all of that, I was even allowed a couple weeks off so that I could enjoy a spring break cruise with Brooklyn and friends for her senior year.  

Last week it was time to scan again.  I wasn't really convinced the chemo was actually working because this ultra-rare sarcoma does not have an actual treatment plan.  Everything is hit or miss...and we've had a lot of misses, but we're not giving up. After a day at Purdue with the two older ones last Wednesday, I opened my portal and saw that the radiology report was posted.  It’s been a long time since I have opened up a report and gasped.  The tears fell and it was hard to talk to Cade on the other end of the line.  I knew immediately in my gut that what I was reading were words about my health trending in the wrong direction.  The measurements were larger than I had seen and words like “worsening” and “disease progression” were clear.  I needed a minute to process…well, I may have taken two.  I got it together quickly because, well, I just didn’t want to collapse into a puddle.  I didn't have that time.  I didn’t know all of the facts.  I needed perspective, and I wanted to talk to the doctor before jumping to conclusions.  So, I called late in the afternoon hoping my appointment could be moved up a few days.  But there was no return call that afternoon.

The next morning I was almost out the door to go on a field trip with Brooklyn (yes, she is a senior and they still need chaperones—ha!).  An unknown Indianapolis number called and I knew in my gut it would be from someone I needed to talk to.  It was.  Dr. Armstrong called to ease my anxious thoughts, or at least affirm the news I had hoped I misinterpreted.  There was no easy way to talk about the next steps, but she gave me a temporary plan that I could live with until my scheduled appointment time (which was not until today--Tuesday).  Although still a bit uneasy, there was a sense of peace with a plan.  She said she wanted to talk to the surgeon and the tumor board before the execution of this “plan” we had put in place.

Today...Cade and I spent this afternoon in the oncologist's office.  We saw my scans and I was amazed at how large the tumors were looking.  They were in multiple places, including a couple near my trachea, which the doctor said could explain why breathing has been more laborious recently and I have been experiencing more coughing with the shortness of breath as well.  These are similar symptoms I had with the large tumor 10 years ago.  Dr. Armstrong is concerned the sarcoma is getting more aggressive, which, in turn, is a concern that there could be a change in the cancer itself.  I also have some very enlarged lymph nodes she is hoping to biopsy in the next couple weeks to make sure she is not missing something. 

So, what is the plan?  Surgery is definitely on the table.  My surgeon was out of town last week, but she and Dr. Armstrong are hoping to look more closely at my scans tomorrow (Wednesday) and figure out a strategy in how to remove multiple tumors in multiple areas of the lungs.  There are a few spots on the right side that have shown some growth, but for now, Dr. Armstrong is focusing on the left side as those sizes are more concerning.  After multiple surgeries on my lungs, it definitely gets more difficult to go in.  We are also trying to salvage as much healthy tissue in the lungs as possible.  The thought of surgery again is overwhelming, so quite honestly, I am just trying to avoid thinking of it until I hear the plan. My biggest concern with surgery was also the fact that our May and June months are packed with the kids finishing school, graduation, Ellie's volleyball team heading to Nationals in Florida, family vacation, and Cade and I had a trip planned as well (Cade has sabbatical this summer).  The thought of losing those memories to surgery was a big concern, but Dr. Armstrong thinks we can hold off for just a bit.  In the meantime, I will be starting a new chemo drug similar to the one I did from 2020- 2022.  It is a cousin drug to the previous drug, and if you knew me during that time, you also know that drug was not so fun.  I am hoping the side effects of this are not as bad, but we spent time with the pharmacist  going over everything today, so we feel fairly prepared based on our previous experience.   I will then scan again in two months.  We want to know if the chemo is working, but we also want to gauge exactly how aggressive things are getting and hoping we don't see as much growth. 

 I have always trusted God with my big picture, but there are many temptations with wanting to control the details.  I have found myself in the last week irrationally thinking and waking up in the wee hours of the morning wrestling with thoughts I’d advise anyone else to shut down. I have tried to stay busy, but my mind has been heavily burdened mostly about what news we would be needing to relay to our kids.  How much more can they take?  How is God using this for good in their stories?  I have watched in the last week as some of them have dealt with other heavy things with friends and my biggest prayer for them is that they have friends that are loyal and love them well through this season of many unknowns, fears, and just wanting things to be ok with their mama.  After this emotionally draining day, all six of us sat together and immediately they knew the tone of this "talk".  They've been here before, but each time I know they are comprehending, processing, and understanding more and more.  It was much easier when they were little to create an environment where life doesn't skip a beat for them.  But, now there is no sugar-coating.  We tried to be as gentle and positive as possible, but have also been very upfront with them.  There was a lot of silence, a few questions, and also some tears.  They also each came and gave me some great hugs. There is so much to still be positive about and we are focusing on that.

God continues to use music to speak life into me.  So many lyrics remind me that as long as I have breath in my lungs I can still praise the Lord!  I have so much to be grateful for.  The goodness of God is evident in every aspect of my day.  He is my Rescuer.  He reigns above it all.  I am trying to stay open-handed to make room for Him to use our journey for His glory because at the end of this very long road, I pray that He will say, "well done, well done, my good and faithful one."  I believe He is still not done with me, and He will help me fight my battles.  He is a good, good Father and no one has every cared for me like Jesus. Not one moment of this is wasted.

Cade and I are both doing ok overall.  I think part of us is just numb to this rollercoaster ride and living life in three month increments, knowing our next steps are constantly determined by the results of  my scans.  Over the next couple months we are just taking one day at a time and are trying to enjoy celebrating Brooklyn and spending time together as a family.

Here are some prayer requests for the next few weeks:

• Praying that my new drug (cabozantinib for those of you wondering) will be effective and that I can tolerate the higher dose she is starting me on.  Please pray that insurance approves it and the co-pay is minimal to none.   The cost of these types of things are crazy, but it is also amazing how doctors fight to rid you of that burden as well, so just praying all of that goes smoothly.
• Upcoming biopsy--praying the results of that give us more information if there is a change in the trajectory of disease in my body
• Prayers for my oncologist and surgeon--they are both very well-versed in what they are doing. I do trust them and feel very comfortable in their care.  Praying they can make the best decisions for me as we move forward.
• Pray for my stamina.  I am trying not to nap daily, but I am also listening to my body if that is what it needs.  This is an incredibly busy time of year for baking for grad parties, bdays, etc... and I am trying to balance that with normal mom/family life busyness.  I am trying to set boundaries and say no to things as well, which is also very hard, especially since people cannot usually visibly see that the struggle is real!
• Prayers for our kids.  I want them to feel comforted.  I want to take away their worries.  But, I also want them to lean into Jesus first.  I want them to be asking how this can all be used for good in their own lives.  I want them to know it's ok to be sad, but not stay stuck.  I want them to always keep moving forward and doing the next thing!
• For our marriage.  I have said this before, but when you say "in sickness and in health" you never really think about what that means when you're standing at the alter beginning your fairytale life.  No one really signs up for the "in sickness" part.  As much as this draws us nearer to each other, it can also be difficult at times because we process differently.  There are so many layers and stresses to cancer (and many other disorders/diseases, etc...).  Sometimes, even with all of the support and love we receive, this can feel like a lonely road.
• For family fun and connection!  When things seem heavy, please pray that we can have fun!  Pray that we enjoy the sunshine, outdoor sports the kids will finish this spring, Brooklyn's show choir finale, vacations, etc...

We are so very thankful for the many people who reach out, and for those of you prayer warriors in your war rooms.  We are armed and ready for this next battle!  I will update along the way these next couple months as we have results and hopefully our treatment plan continues to become more clear. We love you all❤️

Jill (Cade and kids too)

"I have set the Lord always before me; because He is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken."  Psalm 16:8