Journal entry by Hannah Henselin —
Hello friends, thanks for checking in with us. We're still here, living in this new life, which to me feels like a harsh alternate reality- like something out of Back to the Future. I want to use this post to share what God has been teaching me. But I also don't want to give the impression that we are "through the worst of it" or "feeling better". I don't think we will ever be better. We're learning to live with the grief. We're doing the almost impossible task of grieving our son. I still can't imagine being excited for something. Getting through the day is my constant goal. It feels so strange to not be excited for spring. Spring will bring more memories, more firsts of not having Joel with us anymore. I am able to plan for events in the future but if I spend too many thoughts on the future I start to panic. I'm learning that it's best to live in the present. God holds the future. I don't have to. "Do not be anxious about anything. But in everything present your requests to God. And the peace that transcends all understanding will guard your heart and mind through faith in Christ Jesus." Phil. 4:6-7
I want to speak to the asking "Why" question. Why did this happen to us? Why did God take Joel to heaven so young? It's the natural place for anyone's brain to go, but I rarely spend time in the "Why" mental space. Sometimes it just feels good to scream "Why" at the sky. But I also recognize Satan's scheme. He would love to trap me in the "Why" mental prison. Because I know that God is extremely clear in Scripture. Just because we are Jesus Followers does not promise an easy life. This life will have trouble. Joel never belonged to Karl and me. He was always property of his Creator. It's not for us to say or even know how long any of us will be here. God doesn't owe us a happy life with all of our kids. If it seems not fair (and it doesn't) I know that we are given far more than we deserve in the first place. Life is more than we deserve. Jesus' sacrifice is far more than we deserve. Eternal life is infinitely more than we deserve. So I know that asking Why might be part of the grieving process, but I also know that my brain is not capable of comprehending the answer- for now. "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God. Trust also in Me." John 14:1
Because of many amazing friends who have taken over many of my "mom" responsibilities, I have had time to do puzzles. Not only is it so very calming to see the picture come together, but God reminds me of His promises while I work to fit the pieces. I can only see a small piece of God's beautiful puzzle picture of history. Right now the piece I can see is pain and suffering. But I BELIEVE that God's plan is way better than mine. I BELIEVE that He will use this suffering for our good and for the good of His kingdom. I BELIEVE that, because of Jesus' sacrifice on the cross, I will see God's face one day and on that day I will be with Joel again. No more suffering. No more pain.
I've also been reading a ton, both in the Bible and books by Christian authors who have lost children themselves and have come through the years not healed, but with a deeper faith and understanding of who God is. My prayer is that each member of our family will also be blessed with a faith refined by suffering. (Please don't waste this suffering, Dear Jesus!) Currently I am reading "Heaven" by Randy Alcorn with another mom who has lost a child. I find such comfort in learning more about where Joel is and talking with this new friend about how we will live differently now because we have a heaven mindset.
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen. For what is seen in temporary. But what is unseen is eternal." 2 Cor. 4:16-18
I could never express how grateful we are for the outpouring of love and prayers from all of you. We can feel the prayer cover because of the peace and hope that we have. Please keep it up!
I want to speak to the asking "Why" question. Why did this happen to us? Why did God take Joel to heaven so young? It's the natural place for anyone's brain to go, but I rarely spend time in the "Why" mental space. Sometimes it just feels good to scream "Why" at the sky. But I also recognize Satan's scheme. He would love to trap me in the "Why" mental prison. Because I know that God is extremely clear in Scripture. Just because we are Jesus Followers does not promise an easy life. This life will have trouble. Joel never belonged to Karl and me. He was always property of his Creator. It's not for us to say or even know how long any of us will be here. God doesn't owe us a happy life with all of our kids. If it seems not fair (and it doesn't) I know that we are given far more than we deserve in the first place. Life is more than we deserve. Jesus' sacrifice is far more than we deserve. Eternal life is infinitely more than we deserve. So I know that asking Why might be part of the grieving process, but I also know that my brain is not capable of comprehending the answer- for now. "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God. Trust also in Me." John 14:1
Because of many amazing friends who have taken over many of my "mom" responsibilities, I have had time to do puzzles. Not only is it so very calming to see the picture come together, but God reminds me of His promises while I work to fit the pieces. I can only see a small piece of God's beautiful puzzle picture of history. Right now the piece I can see is pain and suffering. But I BELIEVE that God's plan is way better than mine. I BELIEVE that He will use this suffering for our good and for the good of His kingdom. I BELIEVE that, because of Jesus' sacrifice on the cross, I will see God's face one day and on that day I will be with Joel again. No more suffering. No more pain.
I've also been reading a ton, both in the Bible and books by Christian authors who have lost children themselves and have come through the years not healed, but with a deeper faith and understanding of who God is. My prayer is that each member of our family will also be blessed with a faith refined by suffering. (Please don't waste this suffering, Dear Jesus!) Currently I am reading "Heaven" by Randy Alcorn with another mom who has lost a child. I find such comfort in learning more about where Joel is and talking with this new friend about how we will live differently now because we have a heaven mindset.
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen. For what is seen in temporary. But what is unseen is eternal." 2 Cor. 4:16-18
I could never express how grateful we are for the outpouring of love and prayers from all of you. We can feel the prayer cover because of the peace and hope that we have. Please keep it up!
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