The upside down notes: 

Yesterday marked one month until Yuri's surgery. There have been feelings of relief mixed with fear of this unknown Whipple surgery. Yuri and I have been crying together more as we face the uncertain hope of the future. And, there is a lot of hope even though this journal entry might seem to focus on darkness before the dawn of the morning. People have kindly asked me what they can do to help or what we need. I don't know what we need yet. I don't know the consequences - good and potentially bad - of this 12 hour surgery. The tension is there for me even as Yuri still is trying to gather more information to inform his decision of 11 vs. 12 rounds of chemo.

Decisions can be so difficult and can paralyze me for periods of time. We know that we are just one of many people trying to make the "best" choice about something that feels extra weighty because we think it can have life or death implications. If you don't have all 12 rounds, will the cancer come back and kill you? What if you have all 12 rounds and the cancer comes back to kill you anyway? Peace to any of you that feel that stress! I'm so sorry you are experiencing this right now.

This is where a faith the leads to eternal life in peaceful love of a Father God without sickness, pain or suffering is essential to me. This is the upside down part of God's kingdom that can touch this earth. I actually believe I know the end of the story for Yuri - he dies and is welcomed into heaven to be fully restored and to truly rest (and run =) in love and joy with Jesus.  That is the end of my story and my children's stories and many others who know we need help and cannot save ourselves. Please note: I actually believe that Yuri can and will live many more years. People have told me that my journal entries can seem dark or hopeless and that is not my reality.

So, if I believe in the Hope of eternal life, I also believe this can help with decisions we are trying to make during stress and suffering. I do NOT believe we can mess God up and ruin His plans for my life or Yuri's life with this decision about chemo. It's a relief to know 11 vs. 12 rounds of chemo will not save Yuri's life or lead to his death. I know that refusing any chemo could have made his death much more imminent and I don't advocate ignoring research and science that has been shown to help but I believe only God can allow death and give life. Therefore, we seek the best choice and NOT the "right" or wrong" choice. God is powerful and we are not. Cancer and many other diseases and traumas make it very clear how powerful we are not.  I think it is a grace from God when He helps us see that we are not in control and we cannot make our own destiny. 

I spoke to someone recently who was sharing very positive and idealistic adjectives and concepts about life and faith - self awareness, whole-personhood, peace, compassion, grace, etc.  It sounded so amazing but they were talking about Christianity while refusing to acknowledge Jesus Christ died on the cross and rose from the dead. I finally had to ask this person, "What is the shit in your life?" I shared that I need the reality of a tortured, bleeding Savior on that cross. I need the resurrection with Jesus returning to show the scars on His hands and feet. Wounds are inevitable but scars - evidence of suffering and trauma WITH healing - are beautiful. My husband will have an obvious zipper scar somewhere on his abdomen to go with his ex lap incision scars and a port scar in the near future. He will become more beautiful to me and those who know him and love him. He will actually look more like Jesus while he lives here on earth until he goes home to heaven.  How strangely lovely is that!?!

Isaiah 53:1-5

"Who has believed our message and to whom has the arm of the Lord been revealed? He (Jesus) grew up before him like a tender shoot, and like a root out of dry ground. He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him, nothing in his appearance that we should desire him.

He was despised and rejected by mankind, a man of suffering and familiar with pain. Like one from whom people hide their faces, he was despised and we held him in low esteem.

Surely he took up our pain and bore our suffering, yet we considered him punished by God, stricken by him, and afflicted.

But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed."

Come, heal us, O God, come!