And now it is actually spring.  We've opened the porch, meaning we use it some of the time most days. Today is chilly and I didn't feel great, so not.  Tomorrow it could be 80 degrees.

I've spent a fair amount of time in April dealing with hacks and frauds, though I think in the end one only got $38 from me before I caught and reported it and ended it.  My friend Aidan helped me set up 1Password on my computer and phone to safely store my passwords in one place and I feel better, though still pretty vulnerable. Seems like a fact of life, dealing with this stuff. 

I'm bringing my very long poem to a 1st draft conclusion. It is true that my brain is slowing down and I can think but not remember. I can sit in one section of the poem and write good poetry, but the whole is still daunting. My friend Kathleen sat with me Monday and we did a good poetry workshop on this multi-sectioned piece. We discovered a place where one section was out of place and needed to be part 5 instead of part 2. Like a puzzle where I'd shoved a piece in the wrong space. We also discovered,  when we saw the order of the pieces, that there was a large piece missing!  A key piece! I have to actually write that one. I jumped 20 years of the journey I was describing. It was kind of like Dante jumping off the ledge of the 9th ring of hell and finding himself in the 15th, having left off 2 segments that the reader needed to go forward. Though of course writing this has been nothing like hell and overall very rewarding and good. I look forward to having good thinking time to fill in the empty space. 

From the beginning I have seen this as a chapbook, a short book or single poem that is traditionally 12-24 pages. It looks like this one will come in at about that 24-page length. I didn't see that-- I thought maybe 8 pages put together with the poems I wrote this spring and winter, "Wild Ice" and "Brown Winter." But 24? Enough to do a "booklet" size piece through Lulu.com with saddle stitch instead of real binding.

Things are also changing. My health challenges are complicated and shift. I won't get into them except to say the usual in different intensities and ways: pain, digestion, sleepiness/fatigue. We have added more fentanyl to the pain treating schedule.  We seem to increase the narcotic pain med every 6-8 weeks and there's still a way we can go. 

 My sister Kathy is coming for care duty next week, Sunday-Friday. It is essential that Tina gets a break, too, although she never complains about anything. She does have a life in the Twin Cities and needs to get back to it. It's a tremendous gift that someone would come and stay and get us through a long period of time, and it is something that would not be possible for most people.  In June, my friends Joe and Paula have a big opening in their schedule and are going to come even longer to offer care. Finding an arrangement that offers one week a month in respite for the caregiver is important to us to try to combat burn-out. We do also know that there might come a time when we will have to hire someone outside the family if Steve is going to keep working and get any rest. I don't know how he does it.  If people know of someone good who does basic care: food, administering meds, light housework tasks, chaperoning in case of emergency... let us know.  There's no emergency/urgency but we're trying to identify what resources are available. 

OK. Time to go here.  Another hour for either reading or a catnap before the next meds.

xoxo Love you all. I still hear regularly from so many of you and I'm so thankful to you.

Susan