Hello Friends, 

Today is one year since my first round of chemo. Thank you for following my journey and keeping in touch.  Last Tuesday was my last immunotherapy treatment. I am officially in remission and will visit my doctors every few months to check in.  Exciting right? Yes! 

BUT. 

A year ago I felt amazing. Despite having cancer in my body, I felt strong. I kept a positive attitude and my eyes were fixed on the One who holds my life in His hands - my first, last and all my in betweens. 

I am still positive and still fixed - but my body is weak, tired and handicapped.  Since my diagnosis 13 months ago, I imagined this day to feel different.  I don't want to take away from remission - because I feel such relief to finally be done.  But if I am being honest  - I'm too tired to celebrate. 

Because of a little setback in September which led to another surgery in October - I sort of went backwards in my recovery in my arm where they removed 12 nodes. I don't know what to say except that I can't move it much right now. 

I wrestle with doing my exercises daily. I need to get on the treadmill and begin to build me back stronger.  But I'm tired. 

I am trying to make up for lost time and signing up for every committee I can - to be there - because I year ago I missed all my family birthdays because they all fell on chemo weeks and I was too sick to party. So now I am trying to be every where. Making up for lost time and I know I shouldn't. I know that in my head.  I do. 

The cancer books I read didn't talk about this part of recovery too much.  Maybe I should start one. 

See when I had cancer - it was easy to rest and take it easy and opt out of things.  

Yes I know my body took a beating last year. Sure it will take some time to recover.

I am just feeling impatient and everything hurts.  

Hanging Christmas decorations over the weekend, I fell out of a lawn chair - or no, I broke it. The back let out on me and I fell backwards. Jamey was on the roof hanging lights and heard the crash and boom. 

I can only imagine what he saw when he looked over - my legs flailing in the air, my head tucked under my chest - unable to use my arms, like a tortoise flipped over trying to turn itself over using its head. Laying in the dirt - laugh crying because it hurt but it was funny to think about what I looked like. I hurt physically, but my pride worse - embarrassed that my body has come to this place. 

Soooooo those are my feelings.  Raw and real. There I said it. 

Woe is me. 

So I guess it is now time to put on my big girl panties and drag myself off the floor and yes you can picture a most dramatic posture and facial expression. 

I take my  BUT and lay it on the alter.  God, help me to leave it there and replace it with Yours. 

But God. 

Psalm 73

Whom do I have in heaven but You?
My flesh and my heart may fail,
But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

Thanks for sticking around friends. 

Love, 

Staci