Day in and day out I have to take so many medications. Trips to the hospital for labs, trips to the pharmacy to pick up the endless medications, unknown numbers calling to schedule appointments, people consistently saying "you look great" that I think to myself "well not really--maybe on the outside I look great (even though I still have a very hard time looking in the mirror these days), but this is ongoing for me--a life full of my body fighting itself and this disease with never go away"
I recently spoke with a friend about how when people endure really rough times others don't know quite what to say and often say dumb things. The "you look great" comment is one of those dumb things. Even though I know it comes from a place of genuine concern and care, it just doesn't feel like a compliment at all because I don't feel that way. Does that make sense?
I've been very agitated lately, and also not sleeping well. It's hard because it so unfamiliar to me. Why am I feeling this way? Why can I not sleep? Why do I wake up 25x a night? Why am I so physically exhausted but can't find sleep? Why do I need to have my husband by my side to fall asleep? Why does morning come so fast? Why do I have zero energy?
Another week of chemo is in the loom...I start on Monday night so maybe that's why. Maybe mentally my mind gets nervous knowing what is coming....?
For those of you that love me, do not worry. please. I'm perfectly fine and just having a really bad few days.
This too shall pass.