Stephanie | CaringBridge

Stephanie’s Story
Thank you for visiting. Welcome to my Caring Bridge Website page. This is for my kids, to have a story to tell, and to learn the truth in the days when I'm not around. I'm so grateful for an online platform that allows this kind of updating for FREE. Currently, I'm working on logging the past and my story so I'm dating all the titles of the journal entries. 

Newest Update

Journal entry by Stephanie Smokovich

Don't get me wrong--there are a lot more good days than bad days, but when there are bad days they feel really bad. Emotionally, physically and mentally some days are just really hard. I try my hardest to not think "poor me" but on the bad days it gets the best of me.

Day in and day out I have to take so many medications. Trips to the hospital for labs, trips to the pharmacy to pick up the endless medications, unknown numbers calling to schedule appointments, people consistently saying "you look great" that I think to myself "well not really--maybe on the outside I look great (even though I still have a very hard time looking in the mirror these days), but this is ongoing for me--a life full of my body fighting itself and this disease with never go away"

I recently spoke with a friend about how when people endure really rough times others don't know quite what to say and often say dumb things. The "you look great" comment is one of those dumb things. Even though I know it comes from a place of genuine concern and care, it just doesn't feel like a compliment at all because I don't feel that way. Does that make sense?

I've been very agitated lately, and also not sleeping well. It's hard because it so unfamiliar to me. Why am I feeling this way? Why can I not sleep? Why do I wake up 25x a night? Why am I so physically exhausted but can't find sleep? Why do I need to have my husband by my side to fall asleep? Why does morning come so fast? Why do I have zero energy?

Another week of chemo is in the loom...I start on Monday night so maybe that's why. Maybe mentally my mind gets nervous knowing what is coming....?

For those of you that love me, do not worry. please. I'm perfectly fine and just having a really bad few days.

This too shall pass.
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Thoughts & Well Wishes

Darlene Topping | May 7, 2018
I am praying that all goes well for you.  Being a retired nurse I have a perspective of what you are going through. I hope your care givers keep up  with your care with compassion, and are gentle. Praying for you and your family.  You are such a strong woman.  Hang in there . 
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Wanda Colangelo | May 6, 2018
I'm a nurse....I know from that perspective what you are going through and how difficult it is to trust complete strangers with your health care. I pray that all those involved in your care are compassionate, gentle, well informed and professional. I pray that you have decades and decades of joy ahead of you as you raise your children. 
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Susan Bullock | Apr 18, 2018
I only know you through your paper lines and you don't know me at all.  Just wanted you to know that your strength and even your weak moments inspire so many that you may never know.  I admire you and through your journey stay strong and know you are loved by so many. May God bless you during this chapter of your journey.
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Janna Landis | Apr 16, 2018
Hey there cute gal. Being on the fringe, I had no idea the scary extent of what you were/are dealing with, other than what you post publicly. I continue to think about you daily and send you (and your Mr & babies) love, hugs and strength to keep moving forward. 💕
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