Without him today wouldn't be possible for me.

I didn't want kids.  My children know this.  They may not know why.  I didn't grow up with siblings, wasn't a little girl that only dreamed of growing up and getting married so I could have babies.  Honestly nothing could be further from the truth.  I was afraid I wouldn't be a good mom and I didn't entertain the idea I could be wrong.  

I grew up watching my mom work - hard.   All the time.  With my dad's alcoholism she never knew which week she'd be the only paycheck because he was on a binge again.  So she worked.   When things got too tough at home, we went shopping.  That's what I saw so that's what I did - well, do. 

Our extended families weren't close.  My mom's younger brother hung himself when I was six or seven.  He did it in the front yard from a huge oak tree so his wife and children would find him.  He thought he was getting back at his wife who was cheating on him.  Her adopted brother was the same age as her son so they grew up together as siblings and lived at my grandmother's house.  My mom buried her only son, my half brother, years ago from cirrhosis.  He drank like his daddy before him.  I still talk to my aunt and uncle occasionally.  Their two boys are grown, married, divorced and one has  a son of his own, the cutest fisherman you ever did see.  Haven't seen any of them in years.

My dad's sisters we saw at mainly at holidays.  One lived closed by so I grew up with cousins for a time until they moved away.  She was my favorite aunt, Zelda.  She didn't take anything off anybody, was a momma bear like you've never seen and never met a stranger.  She died of a brain tumor when I was in my twenties.  Her daughter died  a few years after her.  Her other son and daughter I lost track of decades ago.  His other sister had two girls.  I haven't seen or talked to them in 30 plus years.  Our families just didn't do a good job at being there for each other over the years.

When I started watching my friends have children I saw a path that maybe things could be different, that maybe we could have a close knit family we'd both always wanted so we had a son.  He was so much fun we decided to have another and then another. 

My boys bring me joy... and sorrow.  Sometimes at the same time.  I have never known this depth of emotion, the power of love, until I became a mom.   This season with 17 to 22 year olds is one of change as the boys become young men.  As a parent we have to learn to pull back and adjust to our changing roles where our "help" isn't always warranted or appreciated.  Biting my tongue and trying to stay in my lane a daily battle.  As a widow it's doubly hard not to be needed anymore and I'm struggling to face this season of life knowing a year from now my youngest will be graduating and I will find myself in yet another period of transition and loss.  It's difficult, yes, but then again what part of parenting isn't.  But it's so worth it.  All of it.

I wouldn't have had the opportunity if it weren't for Scott.   I'm glad he saw something in me I couldn't.  I'm glad he gave me our children so when he left me I wouldn't be alone.

Happy mother's day to all the mommas out there.  You're doing a mighty fine job even on the days you don't think you are.   However you became a momma, don't forget it took two to tango and today is a day to be grateful for that person too. Without that yesterday, there'd be no today to celebrate.