I don't know what date to count as I'll never have a "cancer-free" date, and the "clinical remission" date has now been shadowed with new spots, so I will keep on remembering June 7.  June 7-the date this all began, but we had no idea what we were facing ahead.  This year, the dates and days of the week line up how it was 5 years ago.  My first CT scan on Friday, June 7; first surgery on Monday, June 10; hearing cancer for the first time on Wednesday, June 12; celebrating my 31st birthday in the hospital on Sunday, June 16; PET scan on Monday, June 17; Port on Tuesday, June 18; and being discharged on Miller's 3rd birthday Wednesday, June 19.  

As the years have passed, June 7, and the days to follow have come and gone.  I cry, I feel sad, I celebrate, I am thankful.  

Five years....a milestone I foresaw celebrating still in clinical remission with a clear scan in February, but that wasn't how my journey would go.  I'm celebrating five years with a luthathera treatment upcoming, another MRI and more appointments.

When I first got sick, I didn't mind the doctor appointments as much.  It felt comforting to be checked.  Now, I dread the appointments after a scan.  I want to be naïve.  I don't want a reminder of the fragility of life and how not in control I am.  The nurse navigator for my original oncologist once said in response to a question I asked that people say they can handle the truth but in reality, they don't want to know the truth.  I haven't been able to get her words out of my head the last few months and probably because I believe her now.  I believe God doesn't let us know the future for a reason.  My small group at church went through a study of Ecclesiastes, and the words of Solomon echo in my head that this "life is meaningless"...a generation goes and a generation comes; the sun rises and the sun goes down; the wind blows to the south and goes around to the north; all streams run to the sea but the sea is not full; what has been is what will be and what has been done is what will be done.  It's a good reminder of where our focus should be while we are here on this earth and that even in the hard times, God is there.  Ecclesiastes 7:14 "In the day of prosperity be joyful and in the day of adversity consider; God has made the one as well as the other".

Today, I'm in the "day of prosperity".  I physically feel great-I am working out more consistently than I have in the last 5+ years.  There are moments of anxiety when there is a headache or I'm tired, but I am thankful that I have scripture and Christian songs that I can cling to and family and friends to call for a pep talk and to pray over me.  Kurt, Miller, William and I just got back last night from a trip to Disney World and while it was HOT, we had a great time.  I am almost two years into my job at WilliamsMarston and am loving it.  I welcomed a new nephew on March 9, my life-long bestfriend had a little boy on May 28, and I am expecting a niece on June 28.  I'm traveling with friends and for work.  I saw William graduate 4-K, and Miller and William play another season of baseball.  I could go on and on.  I'm going to wake up every morning praying for a "day of prosperity" but also know that if I face a "day of adversity", I know who I am and whose I am.

Health Update:
I had the cyber knife radiation on March 5 and had no issues.  I had my first of four lutathera on April 5.  I had an MRI in May to check just the brain.  As I should have expected, the results were a roller coaster.  There are no new spots and the four existing spots are all the same size which is a huge praise report.  There was some "pseudo-progression", or inflammation, around two spots that we will check again on an MRI on July 1.  The radiologist was a little more stoic with the report, but I talked to Dr. Chung that afternoon who was reassuring.  In fact, it is a positive sing that the lutathera is making its way to the brain which in some cases, it does not break the brain barrier.  Dr. Chung indicated that this is a documented side effect of lutathera making it to the brain and that I should not be stressed about it, so I'm choosing not to be :)

PS:  Thank you to my friend Tori for always supporting my ideas and coming over to take my picture with a 5 balloon to celebrate.