Chemo 6.  I know I am going to die.  Fyodor Dostoevsky also knew he was going to die. Facing execution, he made wise use of his time by creating each of his works as if they were his last.  Once you come face to face with death, you also tend to eliminate life’s non-essentials. You overcome the trivialities we foolishly cared about every day because we took our lives for granted.

Like Dostoevsky, I am not interested only in my own comfort.  I can’t  wait for the right time to connect with family members  and make things right because I will die, perhaps sooner than later.  We never feel fully prepared to start making things right until we realize that soon we will be pushing off to a further shore.  So, some conversations are uncomfortable but necessary in time.

“Tu fui ego eris.” As you are, I was. As I am, you will be. (A gravestone inscription reminding us that death is unavoidable)

“When I look back at the past and think how much time has been wasted in vain, how much time was lost in delusions, in errors, in idleness, in ignorance of how to live, how I did not value time, how often I sinned against my heart and spirit—my heart bleeds. Life is a gift, life is happiness, each minute might have been an age of happiness… not to be downhearted nor to fall in whatever misfortunes may befall me—this is life; this is the task of life.”

Fyodor Dostoevsky

I realize I am my own worst enemy.  I have wasted precious time dreaming of the future instead of engaging in the present. Mentally, I have placed myself on “death ground,” meaning my back is against the wall and I have to fight like hell to get out alive. This though does not help me to validate the relationships and people I hold dear.  So the tyranny is to not waste time

I spent the last week with my brother and nephew and met with several family members I have not intersected with for a long time.  This lack of connecting through time is my fault but needed to be rectified.   My nephew Adam has been the interstices of these important meetings.  I am forever thankful.  My brother Tom encouraged me to Kayak on Lake Superior.  I did. I am forever thankful.