For weeks I’ve wanted to write one final post, but to be honest, I’ve struggled. But today marks one month since Quentin passed and it's time.  I am sitting down with my box of tissues and ready or not, I’m going to work through the emotions and do it!

First of all, let me start by saying a HUGE thank you to all of you who came to the viewings and/or the funeral service.  So many friends from so many areas & times in Quentin’s life.  I know friends & family came from Maine, Ohio, Missouri, Virginia, & Maryland, and maybe other states as well.  What an honor to talk to so many of you who were part of his life over the years.  That meant so much to us.  We knew that he was valued & respected, but what a blessing to hear that over and over again. 

And THANK YOU for the countless ways you have walked & continue to walk with my family through this all.   I am still getting sympathy cards, and my count is probably around 100 now!   And we’ve had many of you bless us financially too.  I didn’t expect to receive so many gifts, but a large percentage of Quentin’s funeral expenses were covered because of them.  I don’t even have words to say how much the support that has come our way means.  But know that it does!

And even with all of that, the harsh reality is that grief is all consuming at times.  It is painful, raw & ugly.  I feel it physically, spiritually and in every way possible - emotionally.  I’m a hot mess.  😊  Not a day has gone by without tears.  And even though it’s been a month, it still feels every bit as raw as it did the day my family had to walk me out that hospital hallway the final time.  That's a memory I wish I could erase from my mind.  It still feels unreal, like I should expect a text or phone call from Quentin, or have him walk in the door after a day of work.  There are a lot of empty voids in not just our family, but in our church, and at LDG, and in the community.  He was a leader in many areas and adjustments are still being made how to function without his leadership.
When I focus on the loss and on myself too much - I question God.  How could He turn His ear away from all the thousands of prayers on our behalf?  I could find scripture after scripture of His promises to hear us when we pray.  Then, despite the prayers, why did everything seem to go wrong day after day? 
I could easily turn into a bitter & grumpy 53 year old widow. (And some days I am teetering pretty closely to that!)  But constantly, I need to remind myself that I don’t see the whole picture.  I don’t see things from God’s perspective.  Our human minds just can’t see things as God’s eternal mind sees them.
I’ve said all along that God is good, and I trust Him.  I need to continually make the decision if I really still believe that. Should I stop trusting Him just because He didn’t “come through” and heal Quentin the way we all wanted him healed?  That doesn’t really seem like real trust if I only trust Him if He fulfills my agenda.  If I’m going to trust God, I can’t give Him a “line in the sand” and say I only trust if that line isn’t crossed.  I have to give it all to Him, and just accept the fact that His ways are better than my ways.  Does this make the loss any less raw?  To be honest, not really - but with every part of me, I know it’s true.  God is still good.  He is still worthy.  He is still sovereign.  He is still Lord of my life & I am still choosing to trust Him through the good AND the bad.  (If this sounds like I’m strong and this is easy for me, remember it has taken me a full month to write this post.  I’m not strong, I’m just have to keep choosing to rely on God’s strength to carry me through.) 
And I am thankful for some of the opportunities I've had through this journey that I never would have had otherwise. I've never been very vocal about by faith. I'm just a very quiet, introverted kind of person.  But I had several chances to talk about Jesus with others throughout this journey. Shortly before Quentin passed, his 2 surgeons made visits.  They both are wonderful, highly skilled and sought after surgeons and I will always respect them for the time they gave to us.  Dr. G. in particular, stayed for an extended time and was so deeply saddened that he sobbed and said he never thought it would end up like this, that he thought Quentin really did have the potential to rehabilitate and recover.  I had the opportunity to share with him about our faith and why I had no doubts that Quentin was going to a better place when he passed.  I ask if I could pray for him and he allowed me to do that.  

And one last thing I want to share with you.  Pastor Mike did a wonderful job at Quentin’s funeral sharing how we can have the same future with Christ in heaven as Quentin is enjoying right now.  Someday each of us is going to step from this life to the next.  We all want to believe that time won’t come for us or our spouse until we are at a “ripe old age” and  are ready for it, but Quentin’s journey has reminded all of us of our own mortality.  We don’t know what the future holds for us.  There are absolutely no guarantees in life.  If you have any doubts about what your future holds, reach out to me, or to Pastor Mike at mike@blueballbrethren.org .  It's not difficult to believe.  You don’t need to be “good enough” to ask Jesus to be Lord of your life.  None of us deserve to be called a “Child of God” but it is easy to claim that title.  Admit you’ve messed up and you have stuff between you and God, and know that Jesus has already paid the price for your “mess ups” by giving His life for you when He died on the cross.  Ask Him to forgive You, and to become part of your life.  Some think that when you become a Christian, you will be given an instant set of rules you need to follow, but it’s not like that.  When the Lord becomes part of your life, you are still going to “mess up” but you begin a relationship with Him, and He offers forgiveness again and again. That relationship will start to transform you and become more valued to you than other things.  And heaven – what a beautiful thought – will be where your step from this life to the next will take you.
There is so much more to the gospel story than this, but that is my attempt of a quick explanation of what I want for everyone who may read this.  I want to be worshipping my beautiful Savor with each of you in the future!  I may still have tears there and still need my tissue box, but they will only be happy tears!  Worshipping has been the bright spots for me in these past months & I know I need to keep doing more of that.  I am so anxious to truly worship in heaven someday - alongside my dear husband - who I can’t wait to see again!  And I have no doubts that I will see him again - and that does make the all-consuming grief I'm walking through, a little less raw. 

One step at a time.   

 - - - - -  Also, Quentin's service was recorded if anyone is interested in the link.

 - - - - - (And seriously - if you have questions or need prayer - contact Pastor Mike or myself)

Darlene