Journal entry by Pam Mitchell —
Dear God,
I don’t want to have cancer anymore. Although You have put me in remission and I truly appreciate that, I am struggling. I went through so much over the past year and you pulled me through with flying colors. I did not have fear as I knew You were protecting me and I had so many prayer warriors who lifted me up in prayer! 🙏 I had so much faith that You would guide me and bring me through my darkest hours, and You never let me down.
Now I am in remission and fear has gripped me like crazy. I am so scared that my cancer will relapse and every ache and pain makes me think my cancer is back. I dread looking at my lab reports because I fear seeing any spike in my myeloma blood panel. Every lab deviation from the norm has me turning to Dr Google to see what the deviation might mean. Is it a sign of cancer again? I hang on every word from my oncologist, listening carefully for any hint of his concern that could indicate my cancer might be returning.
Although I am slowly taking back my life, I know it will never return to my pre-cancer days. My calendar is now filled with doctor appointments, lab work and maintenance therapy. Fatigue is real and some days down right debilitating. No one prepared me for this part of my cancer journey. There is such joy in being in remission, but the gripping fear that has plagued me, worrying about the return of my dreaded cancer, has been an unexpected burden.
God, You have not forsaken me during my cancer journey but I ask that You now give me the strength to continue with joy in my heart instead of fear in my soul. I ask You to relieve me of this burden of worry and grant me the peace that comes from believing. Please help me accept my fate and overcome the pessimism and fear that has seeped into my thoughts. Let me not be dismayed and grant me the true belief that You will strengthen me and help me through this rough patch. I don’t want to have cancer anymore, but I trust that You will allow me the privilege of being in remission for many years to come, and will help me find peace and joy in my life once again.
Thank you God for always listening.
Amen.
Pam
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