Journal
Dear Michael Pikel,
"And in this life
we will constantly be
pulled between love and loss-
grief and gratitude-
pain and purpose.
But how brave it is
to allow yourself space
for the tension,
to know that
seemingly opposite things
can all be true at once
and to hold them all
in your hand at once,
in your heart at once."
~ Liz Newman
In 14 days it will be 5 years that you passed on Mother's Day, May 12th, 2019. I still have a hard time saying 'died' because that sounds so final. Yeah, that's where my head is these days! Sometimes I think you are still on a Naval Sub and I'm just not able to contact you. How I wish that was true because then after 3 months of being on the sub, you would be in port for 3 months and I would have contact again. Well, some contact as you were not the best at responding back as I remember... 😍!
Everything I have read about grief is that after 5 years, the grief softens, settles in, becomes the reality of how we move forward without you... and of course, I am not quite there yet.
I also know that in all the grief reading, counseling, etc.., it talks about the time leading up to the event: the death date, holidays, birthdays, etc., that the time leading up is more difficult to get through than the actual day itself. I am finding that is true. And even knowing that from our grief counselor and bereaved mom who helped our grief group get started, it still isn't easy.
Speaking of our grief group for parents, I have stepped away as the leader of the group. I learned so much and honor my 22 months of being a part of this group. Grief can be so heavy and debilitating and each month we talked about self care. Guess who put self care on the back burner? Yep, this girl. I remember as an employee of JourneyCare Hospice, we talked about self care at our weekly meetings because it is so important for our own health.
Well, after witnessing and walking with families through 9 deaths in the past few years, I hit a wall and just need to take a break. I would not have made it through your cancer treatments and passing without your brother and sisters walking every step of the way with me. And they still do today. I am so grateful for them. We talk about you all the time and that is healing for me because it makes me feel you are here with us... and making us laugh as usual. Speaking of those kiddos, Kelly was here for 3 weeks on business but stayed with me (yay) and we got to see James and Max play baseball and played euchre with Nick and Ellie. We also got to see April, Andy, Kinna and Emmett Michael. We took Henry and Dagny out for dinner and got the scoop on school, track and softball. I know you were so proud of Henry coming in 1st in his 400 meter event - and where did that speed come from? she said under her breath... And I know you were with Dagny at her softball game. And Kathy Jane is coming to be with me on Mother's Day and your death day. See what I'm talking about... you have good peeps in your corner. Me too!
I know you are with me... I found a white feather. And the other day, I walked into the living room (from getting a little 'snack' 😍) and in the middle of the living room was the letter "P" from your shelf where I have VIPER spelled out in little individual cubes sitting in front of your picture. (See the picture on this site.) The windows were not open, I do not have a cat and I haven't dusted those shelves since 2009! So I know that was you letting me know that you are with me. Thank you. I needed that.
"Grief cannot be fixed, only carried." ~teamcatherine
"Sometimes you have to let go of the picture of what you thought life would be like and learn to find joy in the story you are actually living." ~rachel marie martin the brave art of motherhood
I love you great big fat bunches. And more than that!
#mikeloveallday
#yoursibsrock
#griefsucksbigtime
#gigantichugstoyou
P.S. This is Mom.
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