Dear Michael Pikel,

"I know how hard it
must've been to
leave us behind,
how badly you wanted to stay,
but I hope you knew 
you could never 
truly leave us.
I hope you know 
you stayed." ~ sara rian

May -- Mother's Day and Memorial Day. You have been with me all month (as always). When you first passed, I read as much as I could about grief. Sometimes I had to read the same paragraph over and over because it was difficult to absorb the words. I do remember reading that around the 5 year mark, grief becomes a little lighter to carry. Some days missing you has been so heavy and debilitating. Especially early in my grief journey. But I also know, the heavier the grief, the deeper the love. And I can and will carry you with me forever. The article stated that after 5 years, you have to find your new self and let go of the self that fought to get through the denial, anger, bargaining, depression, emptiness and embrace the acceptance. I am now grateful for having the courage and the strength to embrace all of those feelings and journal through them. I often hear the quote in my head, "You have to feel it to heal it". And now learning to live in gratitude every day feels lighter.

We had a busy month together... Kelly was here in April to try and catch some James and Max baseball action. During her visit, I was sharing with Nick, Ellie and Kel about getting all my paperwork, will, etc completed before leaving this earth and visiting you. I mentioned that I don't have any favorite music that I want played at my service and that I will let the kids decide what they want at that time. Kelly didn't miss a beat and said, Well, your first song will be "Another One Bites the Dust" which we all cried tears of laughter and then she followed up with the second one, "Ding Dong, the Witch is Dead". So they have the music picked out! Love our laughter together. 

I just found the butterscotch candies that I tried to pass off on you instead of the Werther's that you loved while we were trekking back and forth to Madison for your chemo treatments. You refused to even try the butterscotch... come on, I was trying to save a buck! So the cellophane is stuck to the candy at this point but after the struggle of getting it off, they taste pretty good and make me smile in remembrance of you!

Kathy came for Mother's Day to be with me... so sweet and we spent time with April, Kinna and Emmett. We took Henry and Dagny to the skate park where Henry rode the ramps like a champ while Kathy played catch with Dags as she's playing softball now and who better than her Aunt Kathy as her coach. I remember you and Nick didn't want to play catch with Kathy when you were growing up and I set the stove buzzer for 15 minutes and said she gets to play with you. I know you both threw the baseball so hard at her so she would give up but I know that's when she learned to catch! And she was a catcher all through high school and college... see the impact you had on her? Good stuff! And Henry shared about joining the fishing club at school and how much he loved it. Just like his dad! Those are some strong fishing genes that you passed to him. Love that!

The greenhouse that Nick, Elllie and Kathy took me too are now the result of the gorgeous flowers that Kathy planted for me when we got home. My beautiful Mother's Day gift from all of you. Thank you. And the coconut shrimp that Kathy made for me.... one of my favs! Thank you!

I am in full blown self care mode... long time in coming and found the following quotes that seem to fill my space now:

"Give yourself more credit. You're trying to grow while trying to heal. You're trying to forgive while trying to grieve. You're trying to search while trying to let go. And you're trying to love others while remembering how to love yourself. You are doing the best you can.  ~ thespiritualabode

"You are going to meet a version of you that you never knew existed. The healed you. The happy you. The healthy you. The connected you. The highest you. She's on her way...  ~ reigniteyourglow

#forevermike43
#lovetheolddriedupbutterscotchcandies
#lovethememoriesmore
#loveallourlaughtertogether

P.S. This is Mom.