Journal
Haven't written in here much the past year — I do feel it is so good to get things out of your head but it's so hard to explain to anyone (sometimes even myself) what crazy and awful side effects from chemo are still here and still coming out of the woodwork. I just don't want anyone to feel I'm boring or monotonous. Just because my cancer is gone doesn't mean I am 100% again or even NEAR THAT! Not all my toenails have grown back (they fall off during chemo). Some of my finger nailbeds aren't healthy still and nails are flaky yet brittle — I can just adjust my shirt and the fabric can rub slightly against my fingers and my nail will snag at the corner and rip across!!! So many little things like that and also some very extreme painful ones like my legs yesterday — it felt like my calves were bowing in and walking, sitting, and standing were excruciating for no reason. What the hell?!!! I am constantly being molested by these "late effects" from cancer that can pop up weeks to years AFTER the chemo and other treatments have ended. The Red Devil can give you heart issues down the road but that is something (along with your life) that you must sign away barely reading bc you were just told you have an aggressive, rare cancer that hits only 13% of all cases and it usually occurs in black women over 60! Mine has NO REASON. It was negative for all reactions to hormones so none of my meds affected it. All BRCA gene testing was negative — there was literally NO reason for this cancer to exist in me. My daily pain level rests between 6-8. I may not look miserable in pain all the time though because it really affects my mental health which is also something that took a beating.
Tomorrow is D-Day #3 for me. 4/30/2021 is the day the music died. (Diagnosed with CANCER).
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