Mind ramblings - this isn't going to be an upbeat post - so stop here if you don't want to continue. 😬

Just needed to get some things off my mind - docs are always asking me what is so troubling after cancer - like CANCER wasn't a good enough ANSWER. 

The main things that I have to deal with every single day now are as follows:

• CHEMOBRAIN - no short-term memory. I also have a poor long-term memory at this point - Idk if my memories will come back or not - could be up to 10 years like this for these symptoms or the rest of my life. That right there should be good enough. But they just stare at me like ok and ? - like that's not good enough - it feels like I have to dance for my doctors.
• extreme pain daily - especially in my back, spine, neck, and hips. 
• neuropathy in my fingertips and the nerves in the skin we recently found out! Which does explain something to me - I can't feel much in a massage unless they press so hard that the massage person's (chemobrain - cant think of the word) hands are hurting and you can hear them cracking. Apparently your skin can have neuropathy!!!! I can't even hold my parents' hands while we pray before we eat. I have to place them gently on their hand. It's ridiculous.
• DRY MOUTH - it's back. idk why. all the dry mouth stuff i had still from cancer really doesn't help much - maybe it's just old but I have found a lifesaver -- LIFESAVERS! They create saliva in seconds! But I cannot eat candy all day. I do work next door to a dentist but I do not have the money to constantly fix cavities from candy to fix my dry mouth! I alwayssssssss have to have a trillion drinks around me or nearby. CAR. DESK. NIGHTSTAND. WORK. MY PURSE if I am not home. 
• NO APPETITE - if you know ANYTHING about ME - i LOVE the taste of food and most likely you've seen me experience happiness on a plate. I barely eat now or think about it. CHEMOBRAIN. Sometimes, I have to ask my mom if I remembered to eat that day. 
• Cancer tastebuds = When I do eat, I get to play russian roulette with my food - one bite might be the most glorious cheeseburger ever and the next bite tastes like METAL. PENNIES. DIRT. MUD. BURNING PLASTIC. The next bite (if I decide to try it/depending upon how hungry I am), could be either - good or bad - no way of telling. And it happens with ALL food and drinks. I just never know if my favorite foods will taste like garbage or not. So that's always so much fun.
• Toenails - some still are trying to grow back. oh yes - chemo makes them peel and fall OUT. And yes, it is as painful as you imagine. 
• Port pain!!!! Can you believe it???????????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My port was great but also a nightmare! Due to the position of my tumor, the port had to be placed on my left side but it's generally over the right side - my port, about a week or so in, created a clot in my neck during cancer which made me have to make an emergency trip to Winston-Salem (my oncos are there) to end up on blood thinners during cancer which you can imagine was extra fun when I got sporadic nosebleeds. One lasted 24 minutes and I almost had to go the ER for it! Anyways, my port has ALWAYS BEEN PAINFUL. I thought when they removed it, things would turn around - my port scar is SO PAINFUL! Then the other 2 scars on my right side (where they removed the tumor and they also had to remove some sentinel nodes in my armpit to see if the cancer had spread). Those scars are STILL very tender and painful - it's been 2 years since my surgery. Idk why I still can't HUG people without extreme pain. (I do it anyways bc I need human touch).
• poor eyesight! did you know that chemo changes your vision? Every few months, my eyesight changes and gets worse. I can't go to the eye doctor more than once a year without having to pay out of pocket. I want to wring the necks of the people who decided that we can only be covered for ONE eye visit a year. Those people must be the healthiest luckiest 20/20-sighted bastards who ever existed - they must hang out with the same twits who came up with copays and not being able to see certain medical doctors without paying an arm and a leg! I didn't choose this for me - my cancer was not caused by any genetic mutations or any meds I was on - it wasn't due to estrogen or any other hormone overload. No reason for it - so why do I have to suffer with idiots like BCBS who say you don't need to go to another doctor - you went once this year - ohhhh okay - please pay me $40 just for walking in the door, not even for any exams or meds or testing. Do these people things cancer care was free? I am poor lol! and blindish. and am eating lifesavers so i will get cavities which start from the dry mouth anyways!!!!!! It's real joy to be here, guys. 🤥
• Let's go back to the back and body pain - I finally figured it out - I just want someone to take my arms and then someone else take my legs and then stretch me out as far as I can go! That would feel amazing - apparently it's a thing! Inversion tables. But it's hard to find any doc here that has one that I can try first before I buy to make sure it would actually be helpful. I've wasted time and MONEY on trying to find relief for my issues and I can't find any!!! Why am I the only person who is complaining after cancer? Does everyone else either die or are automatically better bc if so, I got the shaft! This living isn't LIVING. 
• Which is an excellent seg-way (ha - remembered that word!) to the next:  DEPRESSION!!!!! WOOHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Said no one ever. 
• Anxiety and SCANxiety. The anxiety you get from preparing for any cancer screening or testing for the rest of your life.
• LACK OF TEMPERATURE REGULATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I cannot emphasize this enough!!! I am EITHER hot OR cold. No in-between and I cannot self-regulate my temp anymore. It's been this way for years now but it's getting much more annoying. You might see me bundled up on a warm day or walking around outside without shoes on the porch bc I am sweating to death after having stripped as much as decently possible and as quickly as I can. I carry both a fan and a handwarmer. I always have neck fans - I have 4!! Car/kitchen/bedroom/work. Sometimes my body cannot decide and can be HOT AND COLD AT THE SAME DAMN TIME!!!!! Seriously I cannot make this crap up!! If I wasn't so miserable, it might be comical.
• HAIR PAIN. When your hair grows back from cancer, it is VERY painful at the roots. I cannot explain it much more than that bc I don't understand either. It's not even an everyday occurrence (had to google that word bc I couldn't think of it). #chemobrain
• Hair growth!!! Surprise! I may not have to shave my legs or my armpits more than a couple times a year!! Yes - be jealous but not really bc SURPRISE -- HAIR GROWS IN OTHER PLACES VERY FAST WHERE I NEVER HAD HAIR BEFORE!!!! It's awkward and embarrassing and frustrating!!!! Bc I do have to take care of that hair every few days. 
• Sleep issues - sometimes I can sleep the clock. Other times I will be up for days or only get 3-4 hours of sleep a night. It's another crapshoot.
• Cracked skin - lack of moisture I suppose - my elbows are painful when I bend them - I have to keep them coated in Vaseline basically. My heels are bad again and I've got painful skin. Weird. My skin is PAINFUL. 
• Mouth sores are not just for cancer patients!!! Apparently, they still occur (not as often) but it's not okay. 😒
• holding a pen HURTS. Christmas cards last year were cut in half bc using a writing instrument is painful. prob something to do with my skin issues and my neuropathy idk but it's not cool. and then typing - smashing my hurt fingertips into the keys??!! I mean these are things you just cannot fathom until they happen!! Like seriously??? what's next?!
• I get charlie horses in my BACK randomly and it is PAIN and discomfort LIKE YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE!!! I tell my docs these things and they're like OHHH. and that's it. I get to pay $120 for that visit so my onco can bob her head up and down and then look stunned but have no words for me other than to remind me how rare my cancer was; how much treatment I had; and that chemo is poison and has no rhyme or reason for how it treats my body.

Something else - a lack of support. I feel I need the support and comfort more than ever now bc I am struggling so hard to get back to normalcy - not even a great life just a normal one which I know I'll never have again - not like it was anyways but something has got to give!!! Everyone thinks - oh they took the tumor out - she's CURED and ALL BETTER and back to NORMAL now!! NO!!! This is not the case and no one talks about it!! There's no support or acceptance or any like group that I can talk to. Does everyone just die from my cancer??? I cannot find any relief or help or acceptance for lack of a better word (#chemobrain) online of in person. And zoom calls to me are impersonal and I do not take to them when it comes to my mental or physical health. I like (some) humans. I want to see a real person not a screen. 

Thanks. Now I can ask my mom to help me to remember to look at this post before my next visits so I don't have to try to remember everything.