May 2024

Hello everyone!  I’m about a week out from my reconstructive surgery, so I thought I’d send an update.   It’s been awhile since I posted, so forgive me for the length.  Perhaps pour yourself a glass of wine and settle in, ha!  First, thank you all again for the cards, texts, flowers, care packages, meals, gift cards, help with child care, rides, good vibes, prayers, and well wishes.  It truly does make such a difference.  Chris and I can’t thank our villages enough, both those near and far, for the amount of love and support we received this year.   It’s honestly just overwhelming and amazing!  

Overall, I’m feeling pretty good.  I’m healing up from this past surgery, still a bit sore, but hopefully back on my feet before school gets out on the 30th.  My hair is coming in very dark and thick, which I’m thrilled about!   I definitely have a case of the chemo curls, so I’m currently channeling the Bob Ross look, but at least it’s coming back!   My stamina still isn’t back to normal, and as most of you know, I like being on the go. It’s very annoying, but I try to give myself grace and permission to rest.   I will start a daily hormone blocker at the beginning of June to hopefully prevent this awful disease from coming back.  I’m honestly very nervous about this medication because it’s a pretty gnarly drug with a wide range of side effects, and I seem to be overly sensitive to medications for some reason.  I’m just trying to stay open minded and just have faith in my doctors and modern medicine.  I definitely feel like I’m moving in the right direction though!  

I also wanted to give an update on Moving Mountains.  Thank you again for all the donations!  We were able to make 15 chemo bags, which surpassed my goal of 10.  Distributing them didn’t go quite as planned, but not much did this year.  Instead of going through the hospital to find patients, it was all word of mouth or patients I met during treatment.  We’ve been able to mail bags to New York, New Jersey, Maryland, Virginia, and of course give them out here in Charleston.  I was able to use the cash donations to buy additional gas gift cards.  I still can’t get over how far some people have to travel for treatment, especially when radiation is daily.  I have a new appreciation for living close by such amazing medical centers, with top doctors and staff.   I also used the monetary donation to fly a patient’s daughter home for her double mastectomy as well as board another person’s dog during her recovery.  We still have about $2500 in cash, and my dad’s firm has offered a generous donation.  If you know of anyone who could use a little extra help during their treatment, we are ready and able!   And again, thank you for all the donations.  We couldn’t have helped nearly as many folks unless you stepped up, which you did!  We personally donated to Coastal Family Vacation Foundation which provides respite to families fighting cancer with all-inclusive vacations on the South Carolina coast.  I know how much the breaks we were able to take meant to us, and I’ve always believed in the healing power of the ocean, so I’m excited to get more involved with them as I regain my energy.   I included their website in case you’re called to give.  https://www.coastalfamilyvacation.org/

There have been a million miracles both big and small throughout my treatment.  My team of doctors is extraordinary.  They are wicked smart, up to date on all the latest studies and research, and none of them have become desensitized to the horrors of treatment.  They each treated me with such empathy and concern.  My breast surgeon, Dr. Megan Baker, is a local celebrity down here, and it is obvious to see why.  She is the absolute best of the best in every way.  I also have a massive support system of family and friends near and far.  And it’s only grown this year!  I’ve met the most amazing women.  Badass warrior women who are hilarious and brave and authentic and creative.  I don’t want to be a part of the cancer club, but I am honored and humbled to be in their company.   There were small things too that really added up.  Our detached apartment made it much easier for our out of town family and friends to stay with us to help.  My Tiny Tina was the perfect cuddle companion on all those days I laid in bed.  Even though I have incredible support, this experience was incredibly isolating, especially during the double mastectomy recovery..  She made the lonely days way easier.  And she forced me to get outside and walk even when I didn’t want to.   All the modern conveniences like Instacart, food delivery, Amazon, the hospital’s app, blogs and Pinterest, really did make this much more tolerable.  A million miracles!

Most importantly, my children still somehow thrived this year.  They really are wonderful kids in every sense of the word.  It was easy to find help because for the most part, they’re easy kids.  They each excelled in school, stayed incredibly active, and flourished in their friendships.   We still made so many happy family memories.   Of course they had their moments, but we all did this year.  I knew they were watching our reactions, gaging their emotions on our moods and vibes.  So many teachable moments.  Kenley and Ryan had to learn some tough lessons, but it made this mama very proud to watch them step up and mature.   We owe a lot of their success this year to our communities.  We are incredibly blessed to have supportive schools, Chris’ included, not to mention our neighborhood as a whole.  I don’t know how many times I said if you have to get sick, get sick on Daniel Island because these mamas know how to rally!  My children also got me through my darkest, toughest days.  When I was very scared, I would say, “I will see them grown up” over and over again.  When I wanted to give up, I would say, “They need their mother” over and over.   They saved me this year, and for that I am forever grateful I get to be their mama.  

All of that being said, this has honestly been the hardest physical year of my life.  While I am so thankful I had a curable type of cancer, I had no idea just how brutal, barbaric, and life altering the treatment to get to that cure would be.  I know many cancer patients who feel betrayed or angry at their body.  I’ve never felt that way.  I’m just in awe that she keeps bouncing back.  She’s been poked and prodded, poisoned, sliced and diced, microwaved, and then sliced and diced again.  So much trauma in such a short amount of time.   And so many meds.  Too many to keep track of.  But here I am.  Still able to do all the physical things I love like teaching yoga, walking Tina, riding my bike, paddle boarding, hiking, even skiing, white water rafting, and a new love for water aerobics.  Any day that my physical body can do even one of these things is a day worth celebrating.  Even if I’m a bit slower and tire a bit faster, these activities saved me in so many ways.  Prioritize your health and movement, my friends!   Everything is harder when you’re sick. 

It’s also been a tough year mentally and emotionally.  A cancer buddy summed it up best when she said some days I’m overwhelmed with incredible gratitude and the very next day I’m overwhelmed with intense grief.  This roller coaster of really big emotions is exhausting, especially when you’re already exhausted.   Cancer exhaustion is also unlike anything I’ve ever experienced.  I thought pregnancy tired was rough, but it’s got nothing on cancer tired.  And even though I have so many tools I can use to stay positive, it’s exhausting to constantly have to utilize them.  I honestly hit a low point after the holidays.  I usually love the whole month of December, and I just wanted a normal year.  I did not honor my energy level in any way.  I also did not stick to certain boundaries that I know are good for me.  I underestimated how tough radiation was going to be.   And boy did I pay for it.  I’m trying very hard to not repeat that mistake this summer, even though I really want a “normal summer.”  Radiation was much more grueling and painful than I was anticipating.  Christmas also kicked off a four month headache cycle, including five full blown migraines.  I have so much more empathy and respect for anyone who lives with chronic pain and/or a mental illness. I also missed my dad in this gut wrenching way, like he had just passed away.  I was burned out from all the doctors appointments, from people telling me what to do, and so very tired.  We all got the crud, including two sinus infections for me.   Needlesstosay it was a rough few months.  I think the weather affects my mood too, part of why we moved to Charleston all those years ago.  

Luckily though, April brought relief all around.  Just as the weather here changed, so did my spirit.  It was very cliche, but it did feel like after the rain came the sunshine, both literally and figuratively, a reminder that good days really are always coming.  We had a wonderful spring break skiing in Colorado followed by a visit from my life long friend, Michael Painter, and his sweet family all the way from the Dominican Republic.  It was exactly what I needed going into this surgery, a little reminder that my future is still very bright and I am so very loved.  My body was able to heal up and recover.  It was a nice month off from treatment.  

I’ve learned a lot of lessons throughout this past year.  Don’t worry I’ll save those for a separate post! Right now I’m just looking forward to healing up, both physically and emotionally.  I’m excited to get back in shape, get my energy back, and to enjoy summer.   It feels like there is a lot to process and more lessons to learn, which I’m open and ready for.  I’m still in somewhat of a shock that I had cancer, like I can’t believe how this whole year unfolded, what the heck just happened.  Acceptance seems like part of the process too.  

I’m probably most looking forward to reconnecting with my husband and healing our marriage.  Just like my body, it took a beating this year.  We both said and did things we regretted when fear or anger got the best of us.  But we made it through the worst part together and still intact.   Another miracle, another thing to be grateful for.  I’m also very excited to see all of Chris’ hard work pay off with the opening of his new business venture, Par Paradise.  It wasn’t always pretty, but somehow he’s been able to start a new endeavor, all while holding down his full time job as a high school principal, with three kids at home, and a sick wife. Our marriage vows, in sickness or in health, really took on a whole new meaning.   I’m looking forward to some kid free vacations, some date nights, and even diving into the work we need to do.   Again, our future is bright, and I am grateful.   

A big, extra special thank you to the following people:  Anna Barnes, Emily Mendenhall, Erin Woodis, Lauren Barber, Stephanie Hall, Brittany Garber, Nicole Melton, and my mom, Linda Moran.   This year was incredibly difficult, but you each made it way easier.   For that, I will always be grateful!     Your friendships hold a very special place in my heart.  

I’ll end this post with a quote that resonated with me as I think about the future:  No regrets, just lessons.  No worries, just acceptance.  No expectations, just gratitude.  Life is too short.

Cheers to health and happiness!

Love,

Megan