Isn't true that the say it is better to have love and lost , than never to have loved at all? I feel the craziest thing about that statement is that we really did loose the Marilyn we knew in more way than one. 

For those who hadn't seen or been with Marilyn in awhile , she had been fighting some effects of the brain tumor in one way or another for months. We of course didn't know then it was brain cancer, so doctors tried to explain and diagnose away her symptoms since May of this year. 

We lost Marilyn very quickly once the medical community put a name on what she had.  From diagnosis to her last breath it was 10 days. On day 3 of her diagnosis, when she left the hospital, her plan was biopsy and treatment. She never got the chance to start anything as the aggressive cancer in her brain started to bleed. It was a mass bleeding from so many points that the pressures in her head and pain were unbearable .

It breaks my heart to share how we lost Marilyn painfully slowly over the course of 6 months. She slowly became a different person that we didnt know.

She stated to ask questions that weren't like her in May:
"Do I pick up Herbie today from preschool? What time should I go? " Anyone who knows her can recall her mind was sharp for details. She didn't miss a meeting or was ever late for an appointment. 

"It is time to go. Its 1:40." She would be looking at the clock and it was really 12:40. As you may know, she was a teacher so her life ran by the clock. 

"Aren't the boys coming today? Are you late?" I would get a message like this on a Sat or Sunday. I would remind her the boys don't come to her on the weekend for care. Her whole life she had appreciated a schedule and knew the day of the week.

"I'm not sure where to go now." When my family traveled with her to Disneyland they noticed a few times she was confused about where she was at. As a Disney fan she KNEW the routes the back ways and all the shortcuts. 

Small questions like these didn't seem like a big deal to the specialists and nurses when I asked. I went to all her appointments with her after her heartattack. They started by explaining the heartattack may have causes some kind of brain fog. For those who have experienced "chemo brain" or "covid fog" she compared it to that.

In June her confusion became more apparent.  Time was her biggest enemy . She couldn't track time, organize her day or plan for multiple events in a day without feeling anxiety roll through her. We spoke to her PCP and they believed it was due to her medication and side effects. They set her up for appointments with behavioral health that we 2 months away.

By the time July ramped up with summer fun and sunshine, things worsened . When I met with her doctors then, we talked about how it could be sleep apnea and continued med side-effects and anxiety due to her heartattack.  Those close to her knew it was more than that however. The medical community wouldn't believe things we shared to be as bad as they were. Auntie was smart and strong and she covered as best she could. 

Things came to a head in August and I began to loose my patience. Friends with her in Pippin saw first hand what she was dealing with . Her confusion,  inability to focus and anxiety led her to not be able to play in the pit. She was crushed, but her theater family rallied around her and she joined them as a page turner. During this time she stopped driving and that loss of independence was hard on her. She would get lost in the Numerica Performing Arts Center and that was scary for us as we knew she was deteriorating . Finally, one of the hardest things was the strain on her relationships.

For those of us who interacted with her daily, every day was different for her. She was sometimes nervous , angry and scared. We saw large mood shifts, apathy and indifference to things she used to love.  My boys saw her almost daily as she said they helped her feel normal and they didn't judge her . She began to confuse them though. When she saw pictures of them she may ask who it was or tell me she didn't know if was really Herbie. 

She slowly slipped away from us. The last time I believe she was really , confidently herself was in April after her heartattack . I find it such a blessing that she spent so much time with my boys to keep her young and busy! She had musical theater to keep her mind sharp and her heart full. Her spring was full of theater and she wouldn't have had it any other way.  Her time working with the Wizard of Oz family was the last time she felt "normal" in her day to day life. 

To those who have cared for loved ones with dementia , you know the terrible symptoms I speak of. We slowly saw her taken from us ,we just didn't understand what was happening.

She lost who she was slowly and she was scared. She didn't know what was changing and why she didn't know herself anymore. I'm thankful that she didn't suffer for any longer with that self-doubt. We lost her earthly body quickly, but In that she found peace from her pain and is in a much better place than we can imagine. 

Love and loss go hand in hand. Herbie is learning that. My sweet boy asked me if Auntie was still going to have to be dead tomorrow? I wish she wouldn't die. Then he didn't miss a beat and said maybe she will come back tomorrow like God. The young have such a black and white honesty, don't they? 

We haven't planned anything at this time to celebrate her life. I will let everyone know on here if / when we do. She is going to be cremated and Becky at Chapel of the Valley has been very kind as we work through those details. 

Again, we are grateful for all the tributes, card and love in the form of food and hugs xo