This will admittedly be a post that takes a hard left turn off the main highway that has been the Lyla saga (and house).  I'm sitting here on a plane to Guatemala for a visit to a Children's Hope Chest care point that our church is actively involved in.  I'm struck with this thought of… How the heck did we get here?  Just a handful of years ago, I had lots of ahem… “opinions” about missions trips - from raising money to intent of the “go-er”.  It aligned nicely with my view of worship and the church in general.  

Bad.  Skeptical.  Money grab.  Inauthentic (doing a trip to make yourself “look good”). Questioning Intent.  Cynical.  Fake community.  Looking back on it, man… that was harsh.  

All of that got thrown out the window when I turned back to God - I'm not just receptive to the idea of missions, I understand its importance a little better.  

Last year, I was planning on making this same trip with Kayla, but my passport didn't arrive in time.  I thought a lot about what MY role could be.  I'm a musician, so how about I just bring my guitar and maybe lead worship in some capacity?  Trip leaders were excited about the idea, so that was always the thought if I were to go at some point.

Quick tangent.  Have you ever watched one of those singing competitions on TV?  (American Idol, X Factor, The Voice, etc.)  Any of the above work.  Occasionally, there's an artist that's the singer-songwriter type that always comes out onto stage with their guitar.  After several performances, the judges usually make some comment about, “Yeah, it sounded great.  I'd LOVE to see you come out from hiding behind that guitar, though.”

Have I been hiding behind my guitar?  Who even AM I in the church if I'm not behind an instrument?  Is there even value?

This morning, as I drove to meet up with our group at church to then caravan to the airport, I noticed a couple things while I listened back to “Unfailing” and “Evermore”:

1. Unfailing:  “There's nothing else I'll ever need.  All of my days, Your mercy following me” God continues to show his kindness even to me.  The timing of everything… Because of the house fire, my guitar (and all of my other instruments) was not available (might get cleaned/repaired?  We'll see).  In any case, there's no option to go to Guatemala and hide behind my guitar.  God continues to show His mercy, and I don't NEED my guitar.  He is everything, and there's nothing else I need. 
2. Evermore: “Your presence is Your plan for me”.  Again, “His plan” for my life isn't my job, it isn't my music (although those are excellent things), it's simply His presence.  If the house fire didn't happen, I'd be bringing that guitar and admittedly… hiding. 
3. Also, I feel like God showed me some symbolism with the traffic and traffic lights.  More to come on this.

Over the past few weeks, Lyla has had very few focal seizures, but boy are they well-timed to take our focus off of all the incredibly important, incredibly beautiful moments (Lyla's baptism, visit to Mom and Dad's church, first softball game, etc.).  Staring down a week away from Kayla, Micah, and Lyla has been no different.  Just when I seem to get comfortable with the idea of leaving, she has another focal.  She even had one yesterday.  On Friday, I rattled off a list to Kayla of “reasons” why I'm not going anymore.

• It doesn't feel good or even right to go

• I'm not like you, Kayla… conversation and building relationships is much harder for me. 
• I'm an extreme introvert, what am I even doing?
• I don't feel like I'll have anything to offer
• Lyla just had another focal… she could really use two parents by her side at all times.
• We could ask if we could just put that money toward a future trip for you

We talked through it all at length over a decent amount of tears and anger.  We identified fear as a common component, and it definitely showed up in a way that I didn't expect.  I'm not afraid of going, I'm actually excited about that.  I'm fearful of my role, and I'm fearful of something happening with Lyla while I'm gone.

Through conversation and time in prayer, we ended up deciding it was best for me, best for our marriage, and best for our kiddos if I went anyway.  So this morning, I got on the road and boy was it symbolic driving the main drag in Ontario at 3am.  Every light was either green or blinking yellow, and literally NOBODY was on the road.  It was as if God was showing me that He's paved the way and opened up every door, laid out the red carpet, and just said, “Yep, go this way.  This is how you'll experience my presence this week”.  He's removed every barrier, and it's time for me to be obedient to His beckoning. 

So here I sit.

On a plane.

To Guatemala.

On a missions trip.

Ha!  Just grinning and shaking my head.

Prayer:

Thank you, God for an opportunity to experience You, Your love, Your mercy and grace in completely new and unique ways.  However You choose to use me this week, well… that's on You, but I'll do my best to be obedient to Your beckoning.  I love you, Amen

Song on Repeat: 

“No Longer Slaves” - Bethel Music

“I'm no longer a slave to fear

I am a child of God”