I haven't written here lately for many reasons.
One. Since the pandemic has overtaken the world it seems we are all scrambling on many levels to figure out how to navigate this new normal. So many individuals are out of work. So many, like myself, are struggling to figure out how to keep our small businesses alive. So many of you are health care professionals and are working like heroes to keep us alive...period. Who could have ever anticipated all of this?

And then. There are my issues. Of course, there is really is NO good time to fight cancer. But this? This really stinks. Treatments delayed and postponed. Fear of doctor's appointments. And the most difficult for me so far....deciding.

Let me back up first. Since I last wrote I had my surgery. March 9. It went well. Successful in terms of surgery. But honestly? It was pretty horrible. I mean the surgery itself was fine...I was fast asleep. But the pre-surgery procedure? Let's just say, if you ever considered piercing your nipples? Don't. Just don't. I will clarify that I did not have a nipple piercing, but it certainly felt like it! I've never actually wanted to smack a doctor until that day! Not even kidding.

But joking aside. The doctor was able to get all the cancer out. Lymph nodes came back clear, margins were clear. All good news. I had one more test to wait on. In the meantime, recovery was slow. Actually Tuesday of this week was the first day I got up and thought to myself, wow it doesn't ache anymore! It's been difficult to do actual work work because the pain extended to my right arm. I don't know what I expected. Well, not true. I expected to lay low a couple of days and then feel like brand new. Now I know. It can take up to a year until everything feels somewhat normal. At one point I was taking x-rated photos of bruising to text to my doctor. Talk about things I thought I would never do! It still hurts. My ability with my arm is still limited. But it's not aching and I shall take that as a win!

Two weeks post-surgery I met with my radiologist who determined I would need 19 treatments of radiation. Every day for 6 minutes, except weekends. Bummer. But doable. Except for one thing. There's this pandemic going around, so treatment is delayed. There's a window of time they must do the treatment. But they are pushing it back for two reasons. They might need extra space in the hospital. They really don't want me IN the hospital. In the meantime, I'm supposed to stay home. Stay in. And be very careful. Ok. Got it.

Immediately I thought, I should have my knee surgery since I can't go anywhere anyway. Nope. Outpatient surgeries are all canceled. Shoot.

Back to that "other" test. That one very-expensive-take-too-long-for-results-test. Not so great. My number was high. Indicating that my likelihood of cancer returning is likely. NOT the news I was expecting. I would need to meet with an oncologist to discuss chemotherapy. Also not the news I was expecting. Enter in a flood of emotions. Fear. Anger. Sadness. All of them.

I scheduled an appointment with yet another doctor. Unfortunately, I would have to go into the hospital to meet with him, not really the place I wanted to be. I had some time to think. To cry. To talk to family and friends. And most importantly...to pray.

By the time my appointment came, I was ready for a plan. Let's do this I thought. I walked into that office gloved and masked and more fearful of germs than of a chemo plan. And then...a new twist.

First, I really liked this doctor. He looked me in the eye. He spoke to me clearly. He didn't mince words. I would need chemo, "big guns" he called it. Three rounds. Four hours each. I would lose my hair. I would be chemo sick. I might lose feeling in my fingers and toes...possibly permanently. And. Most likely with an immune system that compromised and being in the hospital at this time, I would get Covid-19. Super.

We discussed many things after that. The actual numbers and percentages. Where I fall in those percentages. How losing feeling in my fingers, although not everyone does, would be a huge impact on me because of my career...and, as he mentioned, probably my joy. He looked me in the eye and said, you are a very unique case. And ultimately this is up to you.

I asked him what he would do. I asked about worse case scenarios. I left that office with a decision to make. Up to me. Something I did not expect.

More discussion with family and friends. Much more prayer. After a couple of days, I had decided. I felt good about my decision. Confident. In different times, with a different world, I may have chosen differently. I decided to forego chemotherapy. I decided not to add extra risks to my health with the great possibility of contracting the virus. I decided not to add the risk of losing the fine motor skills in my hands. If I knew the chemo would be 100% effective in my cancer not returning I would have chosen differently. But. The odds are not ever in my favor.

So I will begin radiation... sometime. Still waiting. Hopefully soon. I will take hormone blockers for 5-10 years. And I will embrace each day.

This is not the story I would have written for myself. And as I have said, these are not the times to be writing said story. But. It is what it is. And I will try to rest knowing I am not in control of any of it. Easier said than done I know. Like many of you, I have sleepless nights right now. Financial worries. Health worries. Business worries. I miss my kids. I miss hugging them and seeing them. I worry about what I did to cause this. And if I did. My mind spins out of control, mostly when I should be sleeping.  And when it does I pray. I recite Bible verses. I listen to worship music. Trust me. Are the words I hear over and over in my head. Oh how I am trying.

This is a very long-winded story of the last month. The cancer may be out, but the battle isn't won yet. I still have some mountains to climb. My goal right now is to stay home. Stay healthy. So when they say, it's time, I will be ready. 

Deep breath. Another day. We got this. All of us. 

Thank you. For being here...for reading, for caring, for supporting, for praying. I am very grateful for you.

xoxox, lisa

photos. surgery day. radiation visit (mask 1). oncology visit (mask 2)