Moving back into our former shared home brings memories of Journey. Some are quite tangible—like some of her kibble on the floor and drifts of her hair to vacuum out of the shower stall. Others are behavior patterns—like lifting her into bed, empty cupboard space where her meds and treats were stored, arranging for her needs to go along on a car ride or to be left behind for a bit. 

The way I live with emotions now, mostly, is to feel them rise, let them fill my heart and touch me, then let them ebb away again. I don’t clutch onto the grief anymore, no more than I clutch the relief. And I’m honestly allowing myself to feel both. I miss her often and will continue to notice her absence now and then. I will continue to feel grief in varying amounts. And it’s true that life without her is simpler...by a lot. And a lot less expensive.  I will continue to feel relief with my grief. And then there is the guilt. And the joy recalled...

Emotions are, for me, always complex, layered, and mixed. And that goes for return to the FT road from this medical pause. Excited. Scared. Curious. Relieved. Uncertain. Overwhelmed. Joyous...

Saturday I will begin meandering E/NE toward KC, where I will stay for a couple weeks in mid-June, before turning NW toward Portland. I hope to be up there in the cool by mid-July. In mid-August I will be in the Bay Area for a little while, at least. 

The plan for the rest of the year is less certain but does include setting up and visiting a primary care doc and AFib specialist in the San Diego area, and getting checked out again before going to Ensenada for some of the winter...finally! (That’s where I was headed when I stopped here, you may recall.)

Look for me again on the open road or on Facebook. This will be the last time I post here on Caring Bridge, god willing! The ABQ Cardio Journey is coming to its end. 

Thank you all for everything!! 💙💙

~Carol/Canyon