Recent Hospital Stay-

I ended up in the ER on Monday due to another adrenal crisis. This is essentially what put me in the hospital in IL last summer, but my symptoms were much worst last time. This time around, I wasn’t feeling well on Sunday. Super tired, weak, queasy, low appetite, just not quite right. But I was Day 10 post radiation (round 3 of 4) so I kind of chalked it up to leftover radiation symptoms. Then I woke up early Monday drenched in sweat, body chills, and a fever of 102.2, which prompted me to head to the ER. My blood pressure was low (60/40). They loaded me up with fluids, steroids, and antibiotics where I started to instantly feel better. They ended up admitting for a 3-day stint to monitor my symptoms and watch my blood cultures for an infection. While my blood cultures came back negative, they said I most likely still had some sort of infection that caused me to go into adrenal insufficiency. Since I no longer have my adrenal glands and with a more weakened immune system, I am more prone to infection, which can cause me to go into adrenal crisis. The good news is I am learning a lot about the accompanying symptoms and how I can use a rescue steroid shot at home to hopefully treat myself, almost like a diabetic would use insulin to help their blood sugars. It’s still a learning curve, but that’s what kind of leads me to my next topic - the mind and body.

Mind and Body

I have a lot to say about this. When I take a step back, it’s crazy to think what my body has been through in the last 7, 8 years. I’ve always been a (slow) runner and challenged my body to run a marathon. Oh, I felt strong. I’ve traveled to Australia and hiked around New Zealand and plane jumped through Europe. I felt so free. I’ve been a long-time yoga enthusiast, even doing yoga throughout both pregnancies. I felt so connected. So calm. I went through two healthy pregnancies and delivered one with painful back labor and the other all natural. I felt pow-er-ful. I gained baby weight, then lost it, then gained it back, then lost it again. I was patient. And I was grateful for all of it. Then I obviously got hit with stage 4 cancer. But in this body? No way. My own body just turned on me. It felt like the ultimate betrayal. I started to hate it - how could I have felt so connected to a body when it was growing cancer this whole time? But that was only the tip of the iceberg. Then I went into the adrenal gland issues and high cortisol, diagnosed as Cushing’s Disease. My body became unrecognizable, literally. I gained the 40 pounds of fluids in two weeks (more than either pregnancy in a 9 month period). I couldn’t walk, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t get out of bed. I was in constant pain. I was self injecting insulin 3-5 times a day to control diabetes, self injecting blood thinners to prevent a clot, I was on so much medication. What the heck is happening to my body? How is this happening? To a body I was once grateful for, I now despised. These days, I am underweight and struggle to gain weight and have for a few months now. I’ve lost so much muscle. I can’t pick up my kids. I can’t run. I can’t do a whole lot. I’ve lost a lot of my hair. I still don’t recognize myself. But I try to maintain a smile, mostly for my girls, so they don’t see me defined by my body or an illness. But then, something happened…

When I was in the hospital this week, I had an “ah-ha” moment. God was telling me something and I was listening. “Look what your body has been through. It’s been through the ringer. But it’s still here, in fight mode, fighting for you. Right now. Showing up everyday for you. And fighting with everything it’s got.” And trust me, I know that’s true because I feel it, everyday. Dang, it’s a lot stronger than I gave it credit for. I kept listening and started realizing I’m learning so much more about my body than I ever thought I’d be capable of. I’m learning the difference between cancer pain, radiation side effects, adrenal crisis symptoms. When to rest, when to be active, when to be patient. My body is teaching me, and my mind is finally listening. And boom - I’m feeling connected again. Feeling grateful again. Feeling powerful again. Feeling proud. Finally. Thank you God. I can breathe again. Anyways, that’s pretty deep but I wanted to share in case you or a loved one is ever in a similar situation. The mind body connection can be complex, it can be a struggle; but it can be so powerful and it can feel so healing in so many ways. And if I can find that connection, so can you, should you ever feel this way in your life.