Last week was crazy and we had commencement Saturday which was hectic and tiring but the end result of happy graduates and families is always heartwarming. It's such a fun moment after the ceremony is over and everyone is relieved and happy (probably none as relieved and happy as we are, but we won't tell them that) and it's time to celebrate their accomplishments and move on to a new stage.

I felt like my old self yesterday, like myself from a year ago when I was cancerous but didn't know. I got all sorts of things done around the house and did yardwork and laundry and planted flowers and of course after all that my mind started playing tricks on me, like maybe I felt like myself of a year ago because my cancer is actually happy and growing again, which is unhelpful and hopefully not true.

My brain is funny like that sometimes.

Thursday I begin the last round of chemotherapy. I wish I knew what was next, what lies ahead, but that's all up in the air. It's really dependent on this next scan next week, so let's hope that shows continued shrinkage and no new spots of cancer anywhere. I've had a lot of hopeful stories from people in my facebook group that have had years of life (I mean, battling this cancer, but still, years) so I'm hoping that we can just keep extending my time. I didn't know stage 4 would be such a journey, and honestly, I'm glad it feels that way right now. When I first heard those words I thought it was a very emphatic period on a sentence, and here I am six months later, feeling mostly the same as I did a year ago at this time when my life was still stretched out in front of me with no expiration date.

I feel like we have some good indicators, though: my cancer marker number continuing to drop means the chemo is still working. Generally my bloodwork have all stayed remarkably normal, aside from my anemia, but even that is mild. I'm fatigued but not so fatigued I can't get out of bed: I have some aches and pains, too, but they have all been manageable. I've had six months of chemo and haven't vomited once, and I've probably only been nauseous enough to take a pill for it a handful of times. I've been able to keep working and moving and those are all very positive signs too.

I'm still here, and that's probably the best sign of all. I've been busy at work and that's not an excuse, but I have a lot of things to get squared away at home. I'm still trying to figure out how to organize my life in case my health does take a turn, but hopefully I've got a few weeks notice before that would happen. In my head, I'm really hoping that when I go to Houston that surgery might be an option for me now: it would be a good step if it was. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but any way to get rid of the majority of the cancer would be exciting at this point. I'm dreading the time off work and recovery and I saw someone's scar from this surgery and will definitely not be able to wear a bikini again in my life (not that I should anyway!) but I can deal with all of that I think.

Today, though, I feel hopeful and cautiously optimistic. There's really no reason not to be both at the moment: there's no point in worrying about the scan results until I actually receive them, so for now I'm just going to assume that we'll get another positive report and deal with anything when it comes. I'm looking forward to Thursday (and who knew that would be a thing??) but I like my days when I can see the medicines going in and I know I am actively fighting.

Three weeks from today I leave for Houston, so I am getting closer to a next step and hopefully I have options.

For now, I'm hopeful for a good week ahead.