When we went for chemo today, we really weren’t sure it would happen. Jon has been so tired these past two weeks and even had a nap this morning. But his numbers were just fine, so chemo went ahead as scheduled. This is the sixth of six scheduled treatments. And we are guessing that it will cause the most side effects. On June 6, he has a CT scan, and on June 11, we will learn the results. The purpose of these six chemo treatments is to shrink the tumor in his pancreas and zap any of the metastases that may be lurking. Pancreatic cancer doesn’t show up on a PET scan early on and isn’t easy to see. So you hope the chemo is doing what it’s supposed to do. If we learn that the tumor did shrink and the doctors think Jon is a good candidate for surgery, then that’s what is next. He is walking daily to try to build up strength because the surgery is rigorous. (Whipple Surgery)
If the surgery is not an option, there will be other options. But maybe not as good. Who knows… This is what it’s like to live in limbo.
The odd thing is that we have somehow adapted to limbo. Except for those days when Jon has felt really tired, we are out and about, doing what most retired people do: we focus on food and friends and family. We debate on whether to take a jacket. We focus on the weather, even though we live in a place where the weather is almost always the same. Somehow, we have kinda gotten used to limbo. I suspect the next two weeks will become anxious ones as we wait for the scan. Apparently, there is a name for it: “scan-xiety”
My mom died a year ago at age 99, and I just went to Pittsburgh for a day for the unveiling. We all sat around at my cousins’ home and enjoyed being together. We traded lots of Mom stories and laughed a lot. While I was gone, Jon was busy and well-fed by lots of friends. I was unsure about making the trip until two days ahead. And then it all worked out. It is very nice when things work out—when you make a plan and you don’t cancel it. We look forward to more of those times when we can make plans that work out.
And maybe a little less limbo.
