John died two months ago today. I miss him more and it isn’t getting any easier. It’s exhausting trying to keep my spirits up. I think I may try to out-run my grief by over-scheduling. It doesn't work.
I’m thankfully that John appreciated and encouraged my independence. It’s good to have places where my identity has always been more as an individual than as a couple. Still, it’s not really “rewarding” to be independent when there’s no one to come home to. And I always loved coming home to John.
I’ve grieved the loss of loved ones before in my life, but never a person that I loved so much and that was such a part of my day-to-day life. I feel his absence constantly. The pain and sadness are nearly overwhelming at times.
I am glad that John is no longer suffering and is now at peace. It feels like now I can grieve the loss of of his healthy days. It just didn’t feel right to do that while he was still alive. In fact, I rarely cried over John’s decline these past few years. When I did, it was never for every long. I’d shake it off and get back to caring for him and working on getting him well.
We were both so sad that we were never able to get him well. I remember telling him how sorry I was that we hadn’t succeeded in that. I did cry then, but not for very long.
I cry a lot more now. Some days not at all, but others, several times a day, rarely for very long. Maybe I’m afraid to let myself get too down, that I might never get back up. But I’m really tired, tired of missing John. And it’s only been two months.
I do know that I’m not alone in my tears. I’ve heard from many of you about how touched you were by the memorial service. I’m so grateful to those who contributed to making it such a beautiful tribute to John. I also appreciate that so many have taken time to watch the service.
A friend asked me recently if I plan to continue writing these posts. She encouraged me to, saying that it had been very meaningful to her to have an intimate look at what it’s like to care for a loved one in their final weeks. She also said that seeing how much I miss John has been a valuable reminder to her to cherish each day that she gets with her husband and to embrace even his quirky, sometimes irritating behaviors.
I don’t know if/how long I’ll continue writing, Either way, thank you for reading. Your care for John and for me means so much.