Scattered words and empty thoughts
Seem to pour from my heart
I've never felt so torn before
Seems I don't know where to start
But it's now that I feel Your grace fall like rain
From every fingertip, washing away my pain

'Cause I still believe in Your faithfulness
'Cause I still believe in Your truth
'Cause I still believe in Your holy word
Even when I don't see, I still believe

Though the questions still fog up my mind
With promises, I still seem to bear
For even when answers slowly unwind
It's my heart I see You prepare
But it's now that I feel Your grace fall like rain
From every fingertip
Washing away my pain

'Cause I still believe in Your faithfulness
'Cause I still believe in Your truth
'Cause I still believe in Your holy word
Even when I don't see, I still believe

Well, the only place I can go is into Your arms
Where I throw to You my feeble prayers
Well, in brokenness, I can see that this was Your will for me
Help me to know that You are near, yeah

'Cause I still believe in Your faithfulness
'Cause I still believe in Your truth
'Cause I still believe in Your holy word
Even when I don't see, I still believe

'Cause I still believe
'Cause I still believe
'Cause I still believe
'Cause I still believe
'Cause I still believe

I still believe
I still believe
I still believe
Oh
I still believe
I still believe

Dear Cayden,

Yesterday was your due date, the day I thought I would be meeting you. The day I thought my heart would be exploding with joy to hold you for the first time, to see your precious face, and hold your tiny squirming body. I thought I’d be introducing you to your big brother Carter. I thought we’d be sharing your gender and your name with all your extended family and our friends. February 25 has held a special place in my heart since the moment I saw a positive pregnancy test. Your dada and I were so looking forward to meeting you and watching you and your brother grow up. Cayden my heart is so broken and I miss you so much. I want nothing more than to be holding you in this moment, rocking you, singing softly to you, memorizing all your features. I thought today would be such a happy day, but for the past 4 months I have dreaded it. Dreaded the finality of approaching the day that solidifies the fact that you are not here with us and your arrival is no longer coming. Your loss has been impossible to grasp and only my flat belly has served as the reminder that you are gone. I have to constantly remind myself that you are not here but you are somewhere so much better. So. Much. Better. You are with your Creator, you are with the One who formed your tiny body, you are in the arms of the One who knew every one of your days, and the One who loves you more than I could ever try. I find some peace in knowing that you got to skip all the heartache and sadness and pain of this world. You got to go straight into the arms of your Maker and Savior. You are in the best place. The perfect place. And you are made new. You are not sick or hurting or in pain, you are in a joyous and glorious place I can only imagine in my heart. But selfishly I miss you and want you here in my own arms along with your big brother. Losing you took a piece of my heart that I will never get back. But for you I will be strong. For your brother I will hold fast. For your dada I will press on. And at your Creator’s feet I will fall and give my trust. Cayden your tiny body and much too short life has made such an impact. You had purpose and your life had meaning. You will never be forgotten. You will always be my 2nd baby. My 2nd boy. My son. I will love you forever and like you for always as long as I’m living my baby you’ll be.

 

Love,

Mama