Do you ever wonder what people see when they look at you?  When a stranger stares or smiles at you, does it make you want to know what they're thinking?  This thought used to occasionally pop into my head but I find it's showing up more often.  My new hair (and lack thereof a little while ago) definitely make me stick out of the crowd, drawing more attention.  Or maybe I'm just noticing it more now.

What does that little boy see as he stares at me with his mouth hanging open?  What is that teenage girl seeing as she smiles at me?  What did that old man see when he grabbed my arm and told me he was rooting for me? 

What do my kids see when they look at their Mom?  I hope they see me, as I've always been.  I know they see me a little differently now - more tired, in need of a bit more help.  But I also hope they see a strong fighter, a brave warrior, a person determined to beat cancer. 

I've often wondered what my husband sees.  But, since the diagnosis, he's been speaking up a bit more, especially during the times when I'm feeling my worst or my most self-conscious.  He still sees his beautiful wife, the woman he loves.  But now he also sees my strength and my positivity, my resilience and determination.

I think it's easier to wonder about what others see instead of asking myself what I see when I look in the mirror.  My reflection has changed so much in the last 8 months.  I feel like it's different every time I get brave enough to really take a good look.  It's hard not to focus on the negative changes that the chemo and stress have caused.  I've found that, by looking at my smile and the fire in my eyes, I can look past the temporary changes cancer has brought.  I'm still here, even if I sometimes don't recognize my face.  The longer my body fights, the stronger my spirit becomes.

In a strange way, I feel as though cancer is both trying to kill me and save my life at the same time. The words "live like you were dying" mean a lot more than they ever have.