Have you ever had a déjà vu? or gone to sneeze but no sneeze comes out? or you have a slight thought you've missed something, or forgotten something?  If you've had any of those things, you'll know that it's like you catch your breath, or something fleeting goes across your mind , but you can't quite catch the thought, you can't quite get the words and it feels unsatisfactory.

I'm experiencing quite a bit of that at the moment. Something fleets across my mind that I can't quite capture, but there's a physical response in my body to it, a lurch towards sadness and I think maybe it's some un-processed emotions.

So I think my initial response is to squash it, to quell it, to take the wind out it's sails, so it doesn't get traction. However, I'm trying a bit more to sit with it, to give it space to present itself, but at the moment it's not coming forward enough for me to fully workout what it is.

I think I am genuinely afraid to really delve into how I feel about this last year, so currently it is alluding me.

But having said that I am working on my art project which is highly motivating. So far I have three layers of winter,  I have  the Tower Bridge, painted in water colours, to represent Guys hospital,  I have a nude of myself quietly reflecting what it means to receive a cancer diagnosis, done in chalk pastels on Kawanaka paper. This paper is usually used for archiving, but it allows the building in the background to be seen through the nude. I have a peacock made up of black and white photos, from whatever it was we did in the winter of this cancer year.  The Peacock has its detailing done using a turquoise ink and dipping nib.  Next I'll add some text in yellow to represent the yellow of the welcome village at Guys cancer village. The final layer will be close ups of cancer cells, which my friend Ange has suggested I make 3D! An excellent idea.

I have submitted my "Suck it up, Buttercup" book proposal to Watkins Publishers.
I have no idea what they will make of it. I've included a pack of the Rainbow Warrior Yoga Cards with an additional submission for a book version of the cards as requested by Geraldine.  Wouldn't it be great if they actually decided to print my cards! It costs me so much to do it myself, but if a publishers took them on, maybe they'd help me get them further out.

And I'm putting together a folder of songs I like singing, because it would be nice when I go back to Harrogate to get back into singing again.

Being creative and having things to occupy my mind means I'm spending much less time contemplating cancer.

I had a great weekend last weekend with my twin sister Helen, we went to the Tower of London, we had a great meal and it was great fun, my energy was okay, my walking was okay and I had a great time because I also felt great in myself, which was superb.

This weekend we've got some great friends coming down and we're hoping for more of the same! We're going to take in the world photography exhibition in Borough Market, followed by lunch in Covent Garden.

I am loving being busy and I've been editing the journal, to help me process the year that was as well as in case it does get published. Apart from a very tired Monday and Tuesday where I rested and recovered after the weekend, most days I've been managing without an afternoon nap!

Life is beginning to get back on track. Which is fab.

But yesterday, I met someone in Guys and we were chatting about our journeys, she asked me, "how come it's not in your bones, after having so many lymph nodes involved?"

I had no idea how to respond!
She wasn't being mean, she was genuinely curious.

Maybe that's thanks to all the love and light I got from you guys and how it helped to do some pretty powerful healing.

She also said, "How come you didn't get a second opinion in 2021, if you thought something was amiss", again I didn't know what to say.

Monday I have my face to face meeting again with the surgical department, I'm hoping I will get a date for surgery.

P.S
This morning I've reflected on the questions from yesterday and  today I've had a sob-a-thon. Maybe I didn't do enough, maybe I should have pursued it more in 2021, I think I knew something was amiss, but I don't know how much of that is the gift of hind sight.
I know it's serious it was in all my lymph nodes, I can tell by the way people treat me in hospital and how much treatment I had, but I remind myself what ever it all was, it's all gone now.

But today's sobbing was about the thought I'd not done enough, and ruined my chances of a long life with James. Plus a release from the working through and processing the journey through my Art and caring bridge blog.

I think it was a good release. But honestly if you get the feeling something is amiss in your body, check it out! If I had done more and pushed for a second opinion maybe my diagnosis wouldn't have been as intense. But to be fair, It was supposed to be a top breast specialist I went to and the normal doctor didn't think anything was amiss, but referred me because I was worried, so maybe I did what I could at the time.

Anyway Now for a fun weekend x

I hope you guys have fun too.