I want to meet with the surgeon who carried out my left side surgery. I want to meet with them because I do not feel happy with what was said to me at my last surgical meeting.
I do not understand what has changed so dramatically from February to May.

How was it, that in February it was all possible and that the  site of surgery was clearly a mess and could be tidied up, to May, when it appears nothing is possible.

I want to meet with the surgeon who carried out the surgery on my left side because  I want answers. I want to ask them why they did not do as I asked and perform an aesthetic flat closure?

I want to ask them why they left me with cancer on the surface of my skin after surgery and why they left so much skin in place, given that I had what is considered a high level of malignancy?

I want to tell them that after the surgery, the lower part of the scar still behaved like the skin around the areola did in 2021, by going squeezed, knuckle white, at the slightest touch and also that they left me with an actual cancer spot still in situ and I know this because it fell off in the shower a few weeks after radiotherapy finished.

I want them to know that this caused me fear and distress of still having cancer, that could easily have been rectified if I had had the surgery I had requested. Because if I had had the surgery I requested I would have been cancer-free after the surgery. So given that it is documented I have a high level of malignancy, why did they put me in this vulnerable position?

I want to ask them were they completely aware of why I asked for an aesthetic flat closure and if not, why not? What was not in my records, that would have fully informed them?

The reason being, that I did not want the risk of any other surgery. I did not want the risk of implants going wrong, of feeling wrong inside my body. I did not want the implant to buckle like a plastic lid in a microwave,  causing me continuous pain after radiotherapy. I did not want an implant leaking out its toxic inside, like the medical profession has known they have done since 1974, and have continuously covered up in order to maintain the surgeons reputation, (and avoid compensation claims) whilst leaving millions of women suffering with symptoms related to the implants leaking, headaches, nausea, pain!

I did not want the pain of a buckled implant digging in, when I moved around and a surgeon refusing to remove it, because they considered it a success, and to remove it would be considered a failure, something their ego would not tolerate.

I wanted to avoid these things because I thought they would be more debilitating then actually walking around without breasts! Instead I wanted to walk around being healed and healthy and not having any continued risk or discomfort.

I want to explain to them that my mobility and my flexibility was so important to me, that they were intrinsic  to my life and lifestyle. That flexibility and mobility through yoga, has for decades, been paramount to my positive mental wellbeing and emotional stability. I was going to risk looking unconventional and the possible, psychological side effects of that decision, because I felt they were below the possible psychological side effects of failed operations, or dodgy implants.  Or below the psychological impact of what would feel like foreign matter in my body or foreign matter on the surface of my body, and a weakened body, if part of my body was used to supposedly create my new breasts.

I want to ask them why they did not listen to me and give me what I asked for, repeatedly, in many meetings that should have been documented in my file.

I want to make them aware of how their decision has affected me and I want that information stored in my file.

I am going to send this as a letter to my medical team, I wish for this letter to be in my file.

However, I do not expect that a meeting will occur. I suspect the hospital will protect its surgeon, despite the surgeon not thoroughly protecting me.

I thought I advocated for myself always in a calm and intelligent manner and I am advocating for myself now in a calm and intelligent manner.

But I do not feel that there is anything more that I can do.

 

However,  I do want to make people aware that they do need to advocate for themselves. That they're wishes do need to be documented in their files, because just like me, the planned surgery might be cancelled at the last minute, and a completely different surgeon might come in with their own agenda and their own ideas of what they consider to be for the best, and might have only glossed over your notes! Shocking I know, but clearly it happens!

 

I think I am more annoyed that they left me at risk of the cancer continuing, by leaving so much infected skin on my body. I suspect that that skin was left in case I decided I wanted delayed reconstruction, and I must admit I am offended every single time I have a surgical meeting, and the same surgeon asks me if I want delayed reconstruction, to which I have to repeatedly say "no, of course I don't!"

 

However, I can see that the tissue is no longer reacting in the way that it was and the spot fell off, therefore as far as I am aware, that means that the radiotherapy did the job of mopping up any remaining traces of cancer.

 

But because of the radiotherapy it is now considered too much of a risk for me to have surgery, which I knew at the very beginning and was the very reason I had very clearly decided there was only one course of action for me, and that was a properly executed, aesthetic flat closure and I feel very let down that I did not get this. So I want this in my file, so that everyone is aware.

I will send this as an email, I will print out a copy for my records and then I will follow up with a phone call towards next weekend, if I have had no response.

*****

On Friday I had my scar tissue therapy work with Joana. We discussed what the surgeon had said. She was surprised that the surgeon said that once the chord was cut, it would grow back, because she had never heard this and I must admit, neither had I.

Surely that was the reason why in the past, physiotherapists worked hard to break the chords? Surely they would not have done that, if they knew they grew back?

I said to her that it was unlikely I was going to have further surgery and therefore we needed to do whatever we could, in the time we had, until my move back to Yorkshire, to make the area look and feel better. Her new machine was in place, which is a lymph draining machine and as a result of using that for the first time on Friday,  I can already, on Sunday,  see and feel that the area is flatter, less swollen and has more manoeuvrability. There is prickling felt all around my chest and shoulder, which means that the adhesions from surgery are releasing! This could mean that they are releasing their  hold on the cord too, but it also means that if they are releasing, then the lymphatic fluids can drain easier too.

I am hopeful that further sessions will mean that by the end of the year, the whole area could be significantly improved in terms of how it looks and feels. This is the hope I continue with, so that by the end of the year it is looking much flatter less puckered up, and feels more a part of me.

This is my plan for moving on.

I am fully aware I might not get the meeting, but just by putting this in writing and sending it to my team, I feel I will be able to move on.

The healing meditations are working beautifully and are very relaxing, despite initially them causing me to sob profusely. I am now sending love and light to that area and considering it much more a part of me.

My left arm has dramatically improved and I am considering not wearing my sleeve today, to see if the arm does still swell up at all. But my left arm does look more like my right arm now, they are a very similar size around the elbow which is a huge relief for me.

I have however, developed athletes foot, or a small part of it, around my little toe on my right foot. It means I have an open skin wound. So I have been bathing in salt water and applying the magical Sudocreme, with the hope it will heal and not cause cellulitis or sepsis!  Things that are of increased risks, due to lymphoedema.

Fingers crossed my immunity is up to the healing task and I don't end up in hospital on emergency antibiotics. :(

 

After my zoledronic acid infusion on Wednesday, I had severe stiffness in my shoulders and elbows on Wednesday, to the point that I could barely straighten or raise my arms, that had gone by Thursday, only to be replaced with incredibly stiff and painful legs, the muscles more so than the joints, but by Saturday evening everything was subsiding, thanks to the Back 2D Roots joint relief lotion. Today, (Sunday), my legs feel less stiff.

 

So here's to a more positive and brighter week ahead, with hopefully a little more warmth and sunshine too.

 

Thanks for listening to this.

If you stayed this long.

 

It's helped me get my head in order.

 

hope your weekend is going well. Mr Turnip is sleeping off a night shift. Ive been awake since 4.30 am but now I've organised and released my thoughts I may go back to bed to catch up on sleep. Then, as it is nice weather, we may go for a walk, if it stays around.

x