Today is my sweetheart's birthday! Last year we were together in the hospice house on this day. He was drawing ever nearer to his homegoing day and we were trusting Jesus, moment by moment, for the grace we both needed for his last days here on earth. My heart is especially moved for those who have lost their beloved very suddenly as there is simply no time to prepare in any way for the loss. I can't even imagine it.

When Jeff finally went home to be with the Lord, He was so ready, and although, for me, it was utterly emotionally devastating in that moment, we had been given three years after his cancer diagnosis, a full year and a half longer than his life expectancy. Although the time between his diagnosis and the end of his journey was some of the most difficult hills and valleys I've ever been through, I am eternally grateful to God for that extra time with Jeff and the work He did in both our hearts and lives through it all. His hospice team had never seen anyone outlive the "life expectancy" of this particular DNA-typed GBM brain cancer. Ever. THEY called it a miracle.

So many of you helped us through that time in so many ways. Your prayers helped us through in ways for which I can't thank you, and God, enough! So many have reached out to me, prayed for me, and helped me through this past year. I am so grateful for all the love, prayers, calls, words of encouragement, cards, meals, visits, and again, prayers. I don't know if I would have survived otherwise.

I haven't posted a whole lot about the journey this past year, as grieving the passing of a spouse is such an intimate and unbelievably painful experience. It's hard to open up about it. I had a vision though, a year ago, the day he passed, January 20th. It was a vision from God, without a doubt. I didn't share it publicly then, a year ago, and I hesitated to share it now, but friends have encouraged me to do so, as it may help someone out there, so here goes:

I had asked the Lord to, please, let me be there with him to hold him in my arms and let him know how loved he was when he reached the end. I had been sleeping at the Hospice house on a cot next to his bed. Praise God. He woke me up right before Jeff passed. Jeff left this world with an audible and very satisfied and loud sigh of relief. Selah. (pause and reflect). After a few hours I was finally leaving the Hospice house, after many tears, and prayers, after seeing my beloved for the last time here on earth. I was on my way to my car on that clear blue sky, freezing cold morning when as quick as a snap of the fingers, I had a vision, In the vision, I heard a thunderous sound above, like in the movie, "It's a Wonderful Life," in the scene where the Father and son, George Bailey, were sitting at the table and the chandelier was shaking from the brother upstairs dancing. As I looked up in my mind's eye, I saw what must have been a glass floor/ceiling to me, and a big FOOT comes down, one foot hitched up in the air, an iridescent white linen robe hitting at his calf, hands in the air, his face was shining glory, wholeness, and strength. It was Jeff! It took my breath away.

I about fell out, right there face down in the parking lot of the hospice house. It was all I could do to make it a couple more steps to my car, where I sat stunned. I remember asking the Lord, "WHAT did I just see?" The Lord answered, "He's dancing with my mighty men!" I was completely undone by the love of God. I wept. In that moment I realized that this must mean Jeff IS one of his mighty men! Then I cried and laughed until my sides hurt. You couldn't have wiped the smile off my face or the tears from my eyes.

Remember the hills and valleys I mentioned? When you're married for almost 19 years, you have a front row to see ALL your spouse's flaws, fears, failures, sins, and regrets. In that moment the Lord showed me that he doesn't see us through the lens of all that. He doesn't see us through all our sins and the fallen muck we somehow make it through in this life. He sees us through the love and righteousness (right standing with God) that Christ purchased for us with his very life.

Those last few years were tough ones, but on that journey, Jeff drew nearer to God with every hill and valley. I had to repent for not seeing my beloved Jeffrey through God's eyes, through his perspective. I had to plead his forgiveness.

That's how God sees us when we know God; when we've come to him through his son, King Jesus when we've given our lives to him and allowed him to be our savior and Lord. That was Jeff's parting message in his memoirs. Neither Jeff nor I were raised in Bible-believing homes. We both tried living and believing every other way you can imagine, and over the years, we both came to the Lord through the hills and valleys of life. Through the trials, God has shown himself so wonderfully to us. It's all about being in a relationship with God; knowing God.

If you're going through trials, you can trust the love of God. Let go and let God. Give your whole life to him. He's waiting!

So, here's to you, my beloved on your birthday!

Though the Lord is giving me the grace to now move forward with my life, I will never forget my mighty man, my warrior, and the precious love of my beloved sweet husband. I thank God for the years we had together. I praise God for the refiner's fire and the utter blessing of being Jeff's bride.