June 1, 2022 ~10:30 PM . . . Here's what I remember.  Brett and I just finished watching a soccer game in the basement when Heidi and Maddie came home from a long day of wedding plans.  The four of us were talking about dancing at the wedding and Heidi suggested that I attempt the Running Man.  I didn't remember how that looked.  So, Heidi got up to demonstrate which sent the kids RUNNING from the room in sheer embarrassment!  After only a step or two, Heidi plopped down into the recliner behind me.  I asked her a question which she did not answer.  I asked again.  No answer.  When I turned to face her, she was staring silently - but directly . . . purposefully - at me . . . mouth a little droopy on one side and left arm swinging slowly back and forth across her body - reminded me of when the animatronic bear at Chuck E. Cheese malfunctions.  I'm a little slow on the uptake sometimes and it took me a few seconds to realize that she wasn't just messing with me and that something MAY be wrong.  I threatened to call 911 and she didn't say anything to stop me.  So, I called.  While I was on my phone with them, I picked up Heidi's cell and called Maddie back downstairs.  She came down and was the one who recognized that Heidi might be having a stroke.  At about the same time, the 911 operator was coming to the same conclusion and told me she was sending paramedics.  So, I called Brett back down too and sent him to the bottom of the driveway to flag them down.

They arrived quickly - about 5-6 guys that looked like they came directly from their annual calendar shoot.  They were all business and told me this was pretty serious (I was still clueless - didn't REALLY know what a stroke was).  They packed her up and left within a few minutes.  The kids and I hopped in the car and followed a few minutes behind.

When we got to the hospital, they would only let one person in.  The kids had to literally sit on the curb outside.  No time to be angry at this point, but I was ANGRY.  I did my Daniel Larusso breathing exercises and went to the room where they told me Heidi was and it was completely empty - no bed, no machines, no anything . . . except for a bag by the door.  I peeked in the bag and saw her clothes and belongings.  This is around 11:30 at night.  The room is empty, the hallway is empty . . . eerie.  Finally, a nurse appeared from around a corner and I asked about Heidi.  She told me that she was taken back for a CT Scan and would not be back for about an hour.

I remember going back to the car with the kids and we Googled "stroke" and read everything the internet had to say on the topic . . . not a great read.  Zero stars - would not recommend.

Anyway, the rest of the adventure has already been documented here!

Below is Heidi's entry/update on where she is today . . . 

One year later…

Deuteronomy 31:8 “The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”

Today marks the year anniversary of my stroke. There’s a lot I want to say as I reflect on the past year, so please hang in there with me!

First, I want to acknowledge God’s goodness and faithfulness in healing me, sustaining me, and providing for me and my family in so many ways (financially, practically, emotionally, etc) over the course of this year. There are a lot of ups and downs in recovery. In the early days following the stroke, my motivation came from a desire to get out of the hospital, a desire to be present at Maddie’s wedding, a desire to become independent again, and a desire to return to work. The incline of my progress was steep, and my community faithfully supported me, both prayerfully and practically, so it was easy to stay encouraged. As time passed, and progress slowed, it was easier to become overwhelmed and discouraged as I was beginning to grieve my losses and my new reality and struggle with daily functioning. During each of these struggles, however, God showed up for me time and time again through specific Scripture, acts of kindness, and encouraging words just when I needed them. I want to share some specific examples of a couple of those times in case they can be an encouragement to you as well.

In the first weeks, when I didn’t have any use of my right arm and hand whatsoever, I was definitely fearful and wondering if God would choose to restore function to them. During my quiet time with Him, He faithfully gave me Isaiah 41:10 as His answer:  “Don’t be afraid, for I am with you, don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.” Even though that was written thousands of years ago, in that moment, it was so personal to me because God was telling me that even if I didn’t recover my right hand, his right hand would be enough to uphold me.

In October, Brett and I went to visit Maddie and Bryce in Grand Rapids. We had gone out to eat that night, and at that time, ordering in restaurants was a daunting experience for me, because my speech wasn’t very good (I was regularly mispronouncing words, and my sentences were jumbled and slow), and I felt an internal pressure each time I would speak to somebody who didn’t know that I had a stroke. I also was starting to transition back to Wesleyan in the next week, and was fearful about my speech and my ability to do my job as a counselor. I became overwhelmed and was crying with my children about it. That night, before I went to bed, God showed up in a palpable way while I was reading my devotion. The devotion was about Moses and his fear about speaking before Pharaoh.  (I learned this story when I was young in Sunday school, but I don’t think I’ve ever read a devotion about Moses in my lifetime!) Again, God made his Word personal to me. That night, God gave me Exodus 4:10-12: “But Moses pleaded with the Lord, ‘O Lord, I’m not very good with words. I never have been, and I’m not now, even though you have spoken to me. I get tongue-tied and my words get tangled.’ Then the Lord asked Moses, ‘Who makes a person’s mouth?, Who decides whether people speak or do not speak, hear or do not hear, see or do not see? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go! I will be with you as you speak, and I will instruct you in what to say.” The whole devotion penetrated my heart, but I will repeat the last paragraph from it here: “As you step into what God has for you, choose to trust. Embrace the words God speaks over you, and the promises of Scripture that are directly connected to you. Remind yourself that anything you don’t have, you don’t need, and everything you have is enough, because the Holy Spirit is living and active within you. When doubt knocks on your door this week, shine the light on the lie, and proclaim: ‘Because of God’s mercy, I am enough!’”

And most recently, when I was missing my old normal, and all the things I used to be able to do that I can no longer do (yet!), God gave me Isaiah 43:18-19: “But forget all that - it is nothing compared to what I am going to do. For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.” This also reminded me of the song I played over and over again while I was in the hospital: Ways in the Wasteland. God is so good…all the time.

Second, I want to honor and publicly thank my constant caretaker, supporter, encourager, source of strength, comic relief, and the love of my life - Ryan. Quite simply, he is my hero and there’s no way I could’ve done any of this without him. As I was reading all of his wonderful journal entries last night and this morning, I was touched, again, by his unconditional love for me in his unflinching support… all wrapped in his amazing sense of humor, which many of you learned about through his writing.  😊 He knows when to be gentle with me, when to encourage and push me, and when to have some straight talk with me. Not only has he encouraged me to rest when I need it, but he has also allowed space for that rest through taking on more than his fair share of household tasks without complaint and being patient with a significant reduction in our pace of life.  He also has a really good way of breaking down the physical movements I can no longer coordinate into their smallest parts, so I can begin to relearn them.  He provides me with so much more, and I am grateful that God chose him to be my partner in life.  I also want to thank my children for being so strong and brave and for supporting me so well, even from a distance!  When my whole family descended on Atlanta at the time of the stroke, I was so proud of how my children stepped up and managed things at the house.  Since then, they've checked in on me, supported me, prayed with me & for me, and loved me so well.  I could not have done this without them either!

Third, I wanted to thank you, our larger community, for all of your prayers, encouragement, practical support, and regular check-ins. We’ve been able to lean on you for meals, transportation, walks, encouragement, company, prayers… the list goes on and on. We also could not have done this without you.

Fourth, I wanted to provide you with an update on my progress and name some specific prayer requests.

• Since my last update, I passed my driving test in October, so I can now transport myself for my daily needs. I’m still working on long-distance driving, but I’m up to two hours at a time now!
• Due to my heart disease (Apical Hypertrophic Cardiomyopathy) I had a defibrillator inserted in late November as an “insurance policy” in case my heart gets out of rhythm in a dangerous way.  It’s just under my left armpit, under my skin.  It has taken a long time to adjust to and it gets uncomfortable at times, but I’m grateful to have it!
• I started transitioning back to work at Wesleyan in the middle of October and returned full-time in January! This was a mixed blessing. While I was grateful to be back at the place I love so much and to be working with the colleagues and students I love so much, it also constantly put in front of my face all the things I can no longer do (type, write, communicate effectively, work efficiently…). Since every task I do now requires so much intentional thought and concentration, I often got overwhelmed with each task (large and small) and anxiety was sometimes a daily challenge. Intense fatigue also set in, to the point that therapy had to take a backseat because I just had no energy left by the end of the workday. All of this required a significant (and sometimes hourly) shift in my mindset. That being said, my speech greatly improved with my return to work!  I’m including a video from a year ago of the very first time I said my vowels with my brother and sister in law. I’m grateful for this video because it allows me to reflect on how far my speech has come! Again, God has been faithful to sustain me through all of this and it was only by his strength that I made it through the semester.
• While I put therapy on hold, I started working with a chiropractor and myofascial massage therapist to address some of the structural problems in my shoulder and the muscle tone issues in my arm. I made a lot of slow, steady progress by working with them.
• I’ve come a long way in becoming completely independent in my daily living tasks. When people ask about my progress, I tell them I’m about 75% recovered. Even though buttoning my pants or putting on a necklace or putting my hair in a ponytail is hit or miss every time I attempt them, and I still use my left hand for most things, my right hand is coming along slowly but steadily. Two weeks ago, as I thought about the year anniversary coming up, I felt pretty discouraged with the lack of progress in my right hand overall. I had definitely experienced a setback without regular therapy. But, again, God’s timing is perfect! About three weeks ago, I was able to get off the drug, atorvastatin, which was a big reason for my fatigue. My energy levels are greatly restored! In only a week and a half since school ended, I have been able to resume physical therapy and occupational therapy, and I’m dedicating between 4 to 5 hours a day toward therapy and strength training. My occupational therapist helped me acquire a robot hand by Motus Nova for free for three months! I spend an hour a day using that, and it’s helping me with strengthening and moving different muscle groups in my right arm. I’m also spending an hour a day going through exercises in a handwriting book. For all you lower school teachers, that definitely takes me back to my days in elementary school! (In fact, several things I’m working on right now are taking me back to my childhood: learning to throw and kick a ball, learning to skip, jump, hopscotch, etc!) I have made so much progress in the last week and a half that I didn’t expect to make so quickly! Every day, I keep getting Ryan’s attention by saying, “Look what I can do!” (For those that loved the Stuart sketch on mad TV like I did, this image might make you chuckle!) It feels really good to be able to dedicate time and energy to therapy again and see the results!

And now for prayer requests:

• Improved sensation in my right hand (I’m still numb and tingly all the time)
• Improved fluidity in my right arm and hand (Imagine if your forearm were a wood board with the hinge that attaches another smaller wood board to it for your hand. That’s how it feels with most things I do with my right arm and hand)
• Improved coordination on the entire right side of my body including right leg and arm
• Continued improvements in my speech, specifically organization of thought and higher level conversations
• Two goals for the summer are to be able to learn to type and write at a slightly below average pace (not a snail’s crawl, like it is now!)
• I want to be able to eventually play volleyball again.

Finally, I wanted to finish on a triumphant note that might also make you laugh. Initially, I said to myself, “I will never try the Running Man again!” Then, in August, I realized that was irrational, and that I didn’t want to live in fear, so I decided to try to conquer the Running Man. I spent two hours straight one afternoon looking up tutorials and trying to coordinate the steps. I didn’t completely conquer it that day, but I did make progress! I haven’t practiced it since, but to mark the “strokiversary,” I decided to take my shot at conquering the Running Man again. At the risk of embarrassing myself, and especially my children, I’m sharing the August video and the current video with you. (I can’t believe I’m doing this!)

Thank you, everyone, for all you’re doing to pray for and support me and my family!