I go back to Mayo on Tuesday. I think they’re going to re-list me the following week. It’s fantastic to (finally, again,  I think, I hope) start waiting for the call. As that becomes a reality, the gravity of what that means for someone else’s family is a recurring reminder: Somebody has to die for me to live.  In the abstract, it seems ok…they will no longer be needing those organs and they can help people like me. In actuality, though, another family’s worst tragedy will be my family’s joy. The anniversary we celebrate will be the anniversary they mourn. I miss working. I miss the job, the relationships with kids and colleagues, being a more interesting person. Post-transplant, do I go back into the Petri dish of schools with a compromised immune system, knowing that infections can lead to rejection? Is that taking too many chances with this precious gift? Lico wants me to be a wife of leisure, but aren’t they boring? I suppose I could work virtually, but that was way less joyful when we had to do it. I have no interest in working outside of SPPS; they are my people. I guess, I’ll have to see what my team says. First things first. This is reminding me to stay in this perfect, peaceful, present moment, and to stop thinking about all the what-ifs. The future doesn’t really exist. It’s an idea, but not a reality. All we have is the present moment. Right now, the lilacs smell sweet and a house finch built a nest right by my back door. The abundance of spring is blooming all around us. This is real, not a what-if. It’s grounding, and gives me peace knowing that whatever comes will be faced in that moment. It will be as it is. And it will be okay because of the skill of my medical team and the love of my people. Yes, you’re mine. That’s probably egoic, but hey….I’m not the Buddha here. Not yet (wink)!!