For most of the last 2 1/2 years my mom had chemo treatments. Every three weeks she would drive herself to the hospital, get checked in, go to labs and I would join her for the visit with Dr Raflores. After the visit she would have chemo and I would go back to work. I had a really uneasy feeling walking into this visit on March 8th. Three weeks prior Dr Raflores suggested my mom not have chemo, and let her lungs and heart have a break, she was developing pneumocities and her heart valve was getting weaker.

For this visit my mom was sitting in a hospital wheelchair. While Dr Raflores was asking my mom questions, how she was feeling and routine chit chat, I received the alert from My Chart, “new lab results available.” My heart sank. My moms cancer marker numbers had jumped from 1500 from three weeks prior to 2500. This was the largest increase and highest her numbers had been. The words “no more treatment,” “hospice”, and “three to four weeks to live” is all I heard from the doctor. I tried to be strong, hugging my mom and holding her hand, but we both fell apart, crying. 

I went with my mom back to the area where she was to get her chemo treatment. The nurse helped my mom get her things and she started saying her goodbyes to the oncology staff. They were her safety net for the last 2 1/2 years. I excused myself and walked out into the hallway, my heart was broken and I couldn’t stop the tears. I texted a few of my moms sisters who I knew could come to the hospital. As I waited for them I sat outside the hospital on a bench with my head in my hands, sobbing. It was the same bench I remembered sitting on in July 2021, when the doctor told me that he couldn’t do the hysterectomy surgery and my mom had cancer. 

Today, Friday, April 5th at 10am my calendar reminder popped up, but it didn’t say “Follow-up visit with Raflores.” Today was a hard day. I felt anxious, sad, distracted, tired. I finished a busy and full week of work at Public Health and dance classes at Just For Kix, two things that have been so constant in my life. But yet today I just felt different.  My mind kept going back to bits and pieces of the last 4 weeks. 

I went to my moms house on my lunch break today. I just wanted to be there. I ate some lunch and continued to sort through her things. Chris came back to Alexandria this week and we started packing up her stuff. 

Tonight Chris texted me a beautiful South Dakota sunset from their deck. My mom loves those sunsets. Today was a day that just felt different, however seeing the sunset photo gave me a smile from your love mom.

I miss and love you so much.

Crystal