No - I have not turned British, but I sure did enjoy hearing the accents and slightly different word options as Joe, Trey and I experienced London the beginning of April.    At our last Mayo trip Joe asked my PA if I could travel to London over our son's spring break.  She eagerly looked me in the eye and said you are going.  I love the confidence and encouragement she gives me.  It was so good for my heart to vacation with the girls in the December and this gave me something special to look forward to for 3 months.   Trey is a huge Tottenham Hotspur fan, so we took in 2 games while we were abroad.  These days were definitely highlights.  I also loved the ebike tour of London.  It was a perfect mix of activity, special sites and history.  We traveled 10 miles to special locations.  We biked to Buckingham palace, Shakespeare's Theatre, Westminster, and Big Ben to name a few.  We even traveled across London Bridge.  This came with a bit more effort for me.  Somehow my "e" (electric assist) had turned off - so I was working pretty hard to travel across the bridge.  I kept watching the travel guide, Joe and Trey get further and further away.  I wasn't sure why no one was checking on mom!!  Needless to say I worked hard and eventually caught them as they turned another corner in London.  They had just realized they were missing a member of the party :).  For me a week of "normal" was just what I needed.

From this experience, I say go.  Don’t wait.

So you noticed I called this entry a Holiday and Rubbish.  The holiday was the exciting and extremely good and rubbish, well that is cancer and my mental health since returning from the trip.  I couldn't help but use this word.  It is SO fitting.  Pretty much on the airplane I felt a mental dip, had tears and was smacked with reality as we landed when my texts from Mayo clinic reminded me of my upcoming appointments.  The great news is my appointments and scans went well this week.  The hard is the fact that this journey is very real, very hard and isn't going away.  I had fears that just grew large over the last 2 weeks and had a hard time coming back down.  Thankfully I was smart enough to call my counselor yesterday after we returned.  Sometimes just admitting you are stuck can help.  This hour visit working on my negative thoughts that were drowning me was so helpful.  We went back to EMDR and I could finally start to breath and relax again.  As I walked out I told her thank you and said this will help me be a better mom and wife. 

So here is what I am leaving you with today. The mediation I read this morning.  This is for anyone who has had “that day” that happened and life will never be the same again. 

 A blessing from Kate Bowler's book - "Have a beautiful terrible day"

when it's not fair (it really isn't)

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted 

Psalm 34:18

In the midst of the worst thngs that have happened to me, I realized that no one was going to show up to apologize.  People who have hurt us rarely apologize.  Natural disasters and disease will most certainly never say sorry.  

And even thought it felt silly to say "I want an apology" about my cancer dignosis, I really did.  So if you need one too, here's a blessing for when life isn't fair.  And, for what it's worth, I'm really sorry that happened to you.

The last time anyone let me say it -

tears in my eyes, straight from the heart -

I was a child.

Didn't anyone tell you?

Life isn't fair.

So I swallow it up.

But, God, without hearing you say it -

"my love, this isn't fair"-

I am heartsick.

I ate this sadness and 

it became embarrassment;

I ate this disappointment

and it became bitterness.

God let me hear you again say,

"My love, this isn't fair."

You will give me strength

to take another step

and courage to face my circumstances.

But, before the doing and trying

and getting-back-up,

you simply look at me and say,

"I love you. I'm sorry.

Let me bless this heartsick day."

REFLECTION

Many of us were raised with a "suck it up" philosophy.  Being deeply tough has probably been a good gift to you, so thank yourself for doing that hard work.  But then, perhaps, you might add: "I'm really sorry it's been so hard." Sometimes compassion is the gift we give ourselves.

I am so thankful for a God that gives compassion and loves us.  He holds us through the highs and lows.   He puts people and tools in our path to help us get back up.  A realization I have had is experiencing the low low’s, allows you to really cherish life and the highs.  I sat in a theatre in London and as the show begin, I literally was filled with such gratitude to be alive - to experience the lights, the sounds, the London atmosphere.  My eyes filled with happy tears and my heart with tender joy. 

So go experience the high and lows and don’t forget to ask for help when you need it. ❤️