It was one year ago

the tumor in my leg was growing...

the tumors in my lungs were spreading...

treatment (immunotherapy) was not working.

I entered the world of stage 4 cancer.

Monday I found myself navigating the curves of state road 4 on my way to Goshen College to start the last leadership section of the year when a new song hit my ears and heart.  I glanced over at my screen to see what this song was called.   The Calm was what was displayed along with this image off an individual walking on the waves of the water.  (If you click on the link you can hear the song and see the image)  As I continued to navigate my way to Goshen my trauma brain started to play the events of last year at this time.  My feelings, my fears - the sensations and heartache.  It wasn't long and I was a babbling mess, tears streaming down my face.  Cancer just has a way of wrecking your day.

I loved the chorus of the song

Then You stilled the waves upon my waters
Peace I've never known
Show mе that the calm is from the Father
Don't lеt me go, don't let me go

I started to use my tapping techniques and breathing techniques and gathered myself before exiting my car.  I was not ready for interaction and had to close the office door.  But it wasn't long and I brought myself back around.  I could since my emotions were drained, but no place better to be than with a group of caring students ready to enter the nursing field.  The days topic involved change around the health care setting and how important advancement and change are in our field.  This led to a great discussion and allowed me to admit my messy emotions of the day and also celebrate advancement in health care.  You see one year ago when I was placed on these meds I was told there isn't much after target therapy.  It doesn't feel good to not have next "options".   However just 2 weeks ago the FDA approved a next line therapy - called TIL therapy.  It sounds hard, maybe even terrible, but results are positive.  It is a "next" option for those like me that failed immunotherapy and if and when there is progression on target therapy. (Mind you I inserted here - I want to just keep riding this target therapy as LONG as I CAN!!!)

But seriously - how cool is that.  Change....advancement....A little nugget of hope.

The last couple months have been good - I continued with physical therapy and actually was dismissed just last week.  I spent 3 months, twice a week, working on strength and flexibility.  Am I better? - absolutely!  Back to my pre target-therapy self? not so much.   I pretty much do all my stuff - excluding high impact.  I don't have continuous pain - that I am calling a huge win.  

Since our last Mayo trip I have also been working on an online course for Mind Body Stress Reduction.  This was one of the ideas my oncologist had.  I am learning alot and starting to get the hang of meditation. I do think it helps reduce inflammation and calms the nervous system.  Probably my favorite learning so far is on attentiveness and listening.  The learning to stay in the now.  Have you ever stopped to realize how much your mind wonders? Try this - the next time you shower - do you actually just stay there? feeling the water, smelling the shampoo?   When you go take a walk - are you actually feeling the breeze and each noticing each step you take?   I am working on staying present and enjoying the moments.  Here is a link to the free course.  Great tool for stress reduction.  Link to the Mind Body Stress Reduction Course

I am ending this entry with a little celebration - Cheryl style.

One year later

I still coached.....

I did not miss any Varsity games of Trey's this season...

I still teach.....

I just rode my bike 10 miles.....

I still take my meds twice a day.....

and I still love Joe more than ever 😊.

God is still good in hard ❤️. 

Ride the waves....He is with you.