It has been a little over a month since my last post as I have been waiting on some things to fall into place and making decisions about the future. I have had a CT, a PET scan, and several labs and the cancer seems to be making a comeback. While waiting to get into some trials, I decided to switch chemotherapy drugs as it appears the 5FU was no longer working. My oncologist put me on cisplatin and gemcitabine for the last two treatments, and I would very much like to not continue these drugs.  Aside from the fatigue the first few days, I had a lot of nerve issues and brain fog that made me very uncomfortable in my own skin and not particularly useful for much except sleeping. Fortunately, I should be able to start in a new drug trial at the end of May that will hopefully have fewer side effects. The downside is that I will have to travel to Kansas City twice a week every week for 10-12 hours each time. This will severely decrease my ability to be involved in activities at home with the kids as well as any opportunities to work.

Before all these changes started taking place, I began to have hope that I might go back to work next year. I had two opportunities come up: one in Lawrence and one in Topeka, to be back in a classroom either full-time or nearly full-time. When I was feeling better and numbers were improving and was traveling every other week, this seemed very reasonable to me. However, when I started the new chemo, it became clear that it was going to take several days to recover each time. Then came the trial and the extensive time commitment that goes along with it. Don't misunderstand me, I am excited to be able to try something that I hope will heal me and make my quality of life better. However, at some point it begins to feel like the goal of each day is just to continue existing. I loved my job and feeling I had purpose for getting up each day because there are children to teach. I feel productive and useful. The thought of spending most of my time traveling to appointments for another year just to get better and continue to exist seemed circular and pointless and frustrating. What's my contribution in all this???

In the midst of this frustration, I asked, "What is the purpose of me getting up, exercising, eating healthy, going to appointments, cooking for my family, cleaning the house, working on projects, planning for the future, giving my kids my undivided attention and continuing to try to get healthy?" (I'm not wishing to die, that was just the question I asked in my frustration - dramatic much? I know.) Why not just stay in bed and watch TV, Facebook, whatever and quit trying so hard every day? The answer God gave almost immediately was, "That little girl. The one you have been begging to let you see grow up." Ren (and all my kids, really, even though they are older) needs me to get up and show up. She expects me to kiss her boo boos, feed her chicken nuggets, and read to her every night. That in itself is enough. There doesn't have to be anything more. 

So, despite the fact that I didn't sleep half the night and my back was hurting, I got up and went for a run. I have not run since last summer, so I don't know why I chose this. I thought I would run for 1 mile, but ended up running two! I have been on chemo for 9 months and I ran 2 miles! Part of God's grace is that exercise is something that I need, and for some reason, my pain goes away when I exercise. I can't tell you how much moving my body, getting sunshine, and spending time with God heals my sad heart. I say all this because I needed to keep taking care of myself so that I can take care of my kids. If I lose motivation to keep doing things I know are good and beneficial for me, I also lose motivation to keep doing things I know are good and beneficial for my kids and others around me. 

Now to the point of all this rambling. I was stuck on the things I could do and contribute. How could I feel useful and productive? God said, "That's so you can feel good about yourself. Your purpose is to love like Christ, preach the gospel, and serve and meet the needs of others." My kids, especially the littlest ones, need me to fill a role no one else can fill. They need me to get up and show up every day. It may not seem like a significant thing in a big picture way, but in their world, it's what matters most. My question in all of this (and maybe you all already know this) is, who is your "why"? I was talking to someone today who was saying they just wanted to give up on everything. Life is hard and feels too difficult to get up and face some days. Who needs you to show every day? Who is someone that you may not need, but who needs you? Who is someone you talk to regularly and remind that they are loved and important and valuable? Your purpose, my purpose is not so much to do amazing and wonderful things that we can hold up to show others as it is to love God and love others well. 

"You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the great and first commandment. And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself." Matt. 22:37-39