Dear Family and Friends,

I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday. Miles, his dad and I had a whirlwind trip to NYC (see some of our photos below). I was so grateful to see him experience NY for the first time!

I wanted to provide a health update. I received the challenging news a few weeks ago that my cancer has returned and metastasized to my lungs. We always knew how tough pancreatic cancer was to beat, even with the whipple surgery and 8 months of chemo. This news has been a big blow as I realized, when having to face another fight, how exhausted I still am from my first battle. It took me weeks to radically accept that I am living with a non-curable cancer and some treatment will be part of the rest of my life.  Which doesn't mean I am believing the statistics my oncologist has given me. I have always felt like I am an outlier and I believe deeply I can prolong my life for many, many more years. 

When one has a huge purpose for living, that purpose takes over. Supporting Miles until he graduates from high school, which is SIX years, is my goal.  He has changed so much since my first cancer diagnosis and being his mom is both the greatest gift of my life and richest experience in being able to support his emotional and physical growth. My ex-husband, Adam, and I are embracing his teen years, with his desire to spend lots of time with friends and of course, electronics! Secondarily, my career switch to becoming a psychotherapist has also given my life such rich purpose and depth. For as long as I am able, I will continue to practice as a therapist in private practice. I joined a psychotherapy practice, Louis Laves-Webb & Associates, in August after graduating with my master's in social work and truly feel I am contributing exactly how I should be with my unique set of skills. 

As a first line treatment, I started chemo again two weeks ago and will go every two weeks, until chemo doesn't work. We know the chemos developed for pancreatic cancer do not cure my cancer, but they can shrink or maintain the tumors. Right now, my tumors are micro size on my right and left lungs, which means I actually feel no symptoms.  So until the cumulative effect of months of chemo takes hold, I feel great. Once chemo stops working, we go to clinical trials. And what two years since my diagnosis has meant is that there are so many more promising treatments that target my unique KRAS and TP3 biomarkers. So the longer I can stay alive, the more hope we have to get me into trials move from Stage 1 (which is in mouse models) to Stage 2 trials. 

As with the first battle, I once again am focusing on what I CAN CONTROL. This is where all the contributions to my Go Fund me page, which I saved knowing this recurrence news was likely, for just this moment.  I gave up sugar 1.5 years ago, but now will switch to a full keto diet, which is tricky as I cannot afford to lose any more weight. I will continue working with oncologic naturopath in Austin and will now expand to the 2.0 version with Dr. William LaValley. I continue to exercise 6 times/week.  My aunt found incredibly promising research on high dose Vitamin C infusion so I will start this weekly to support me through chemo. To all of you who were able to contribute to my Go Fund Me, thank you SO MUCH. Your support is life altering in enabling me to use these complementary treatments, which I know will extend my life. 

And every moment and hour, I have a choice. While I fully allow myself to be angry, because I am seething in rage at this reality I am facing, and grief, as there is so very much I am sad to lose and know I will lose that it makes my knees buckle, I have to shift into mental states that help me feel good, stay focused and positive. Because I feel so good right now, I am in some level of denial that cancer is in my body.  I choose how I exert my energy and focusing on negative things does not feel good. I am focusing on living every moment to the best I can, fully experiencing LIFE and making so many more memories. That is why we jumped on the trip to NYC for Thanksgiving as I want as many memories as possible with Miles. 

MY REQUEST FOR YOU ALL:

• Most important! Please do not only see and treat me like Carolyn who has cancer. Yes, I want to talk about my cancer and the emotions and feelings that arise. But I aso want to feel as normal as possible. Which means wanting to hear about your lives, celebrate and cry with you as you go through your own events and challenges.  Deep connection is such a priority so please, please keep allowing this between us. I am adamant that I do not want cancer to take over my life. Which means celebrating being alive and embracing all the precious moments I get with you all.
• I am back on an every other week chemo schedule so will need transportation to and from chemo. I usually get there between 8-9 and leave between 12-1. So if you are free during these windows, this would be extremely helpful as I am too zapped after chemo to drive. My next chemo is Nov 30, then 14 and 28th. 
• Eventually I will ask for support with meals (keto diet). I know it sounds crazy, but I especially would appreciate any people who enjoy baking to make me keto desserts, keto bombs and breads as these are the most challenging time and energy-wise baking tasks right now.  It is amazing we live in a time of stevia and monk fruit products!
• Prayers, prayers and more prayers. I truly believe the collective prayers from all of you last time made such a significant difference. If you can pray for my cancer to shrink or by miracle, to disappear again. And please pray for Miles, his dad, my family and dear friends who I know will be so profoundly impacted by my cancer as it runs its course. 

I so appreciate all of your support, positive thoughts, and love. I am so grateful for the richness of connection I feel with my family and friends. I will continue to provide periodic updates and in the meantime, leave you with this. Hug your loved ones, bask in their presence, call that family or friend you've been meaning to connect with and live as if you may get news that will change your life as mine has. For we all forget with the business of normal life what a privilege it is to be alive!

With love and gratitude,

Carolyn