Hey Everyone, 

I’ve now had some time to process yesterday’s news. I cried (a lot), I prayed (a lot), and spent time just thinking (a lot). The report is still very discouraging but I am thinking more clearly than I was at that time. I apologize my last post was reactionary versus taking the time to think and process beforehand, but at the same time, I was in great need of prayer and didn’t want to wait to ask. We are called the bear one another’s burdens (Galatians 6:2). We are called to rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep (Romans 12:15). We are called to draw near to the throne of grace in time of need (Hebrews 4:16). And I’m blessed with a community of people that I know are doing all of these things. There are people invested in my story that I’ve never met, yet they go before the throne of God as my brothers and sisters. I’m incredibly thankful for the outpouring of love towards me in this time. “My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” Psalm‬ ‭73‬:‭26‬

Because I haven’t actually spoken with my oncologist regarding the results, it’s very easy to get to a point of despair over what’s there. Immediately after reading the report, all I could see were my girls’ faces in my mind. All I wanted was to hug them. I had my pity party and laid up in bed for about an hour and cried. I shut everyone out and just needed to be alone to mentally work through things. 

After being able to think things through, I’m more at peace but still nervous for today’s results and actually meeting with my doctor next week. Going into chemo next week is also a little more difficult because in my mind, it’s not working effectively enough so what’s the point? (Even though I don’t even know if that’s the case). I’m still mentally defeated, but I also don’t have all of the information or all of the answers yet. There are a few different possibilities about this floating in my head, ranging from best outcome to worst, but some answers will be impossible to know for sure. My tumor marker numbers from 2 weeks ago took a significant dive, which is great, but why aren’t the actual tumors reflecting that? In fact, they did the exact opposite. Why did the bone ones grow but the liver ones are the exact same sizes? What exactly is on my kidney? There are some questions I’m sure I won’t be able to get concrete answers for, but I’m hoping we can get some clarity soon. 

I’m also in the process of beginning some alternative treatments. I have what I need at this point and have been including some of these things in my daily routine, but because I was very unwell the last 2 weeks, decided to hold off on 3 of the more intense supplements until my body was done fighting whatever it was. I’m hoping to begin this treatment tomorrow. In regards to that, I won’t be sharing specifics of that on here as there will be plenty of thoughts and opinions on the route (and maybe even some social media censoring), but know that conventional treatments are not/will not be the only thing happening.

So, this is what a cancer fight looks like though. It’s messy. Receiving good news that brings hope and relief one week, but a week later, receiving news that seemingly rocks your world. It’s a constant rollercoaster of emotions and is completely exhausting. Each day can also bring its own host of twists and turns. The one comfort that I have through it all is knowing that, while we may be surprised (whether good or bad) with results, God isn’t. He is intimately aware of every single thing going on (Proverbs 15:3). He also knows what’s going to happen before it does. He knows the final outcome of all of this and I have to rest in His knowledge of it all. He knows the number of my days before there was even one (Psalm 139:16). Does this mean I don’t struggle? That I don’t have doubt over my final outcome? That I don’t fall into pits of despair? Unfortunately, no. I wish I could sit here and tell you I’m handling this with grace, but I’m not. But what I can tell you is that, even in the fiercest fire, I know God is still there. When I’m alone, He’s there. When I feel hope is abandoning me, He’s not. When I don’t have all of the answers, He does. When I’m afraid, I put my trust in Him (Psalm 56:3). And I need to find rest in that (Matthew 6:34).

I wish I had more information or answers to give y’all, but right now, I just don’t. All I can do is speculate and pray that my next round of scans at the end of chemo are an improvement. I also have a few tricks hiding up my sleeve in the event I need them. Thank you for being with me through this. Thank you for your patience with me and my physical and emotional rollercoaster. Thank you for praying for me, my family, and my medical team. It means more than you know❤️

“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." Matthew‬ ‭11‬:‭28‬-‭30‬