As I mentioned the MRI and bloodwork results were good and Dr Ney concurred. He was really encouraged by my results. Which spurred me to ask my biggest question of the day. I have been confounded by the dichotomy of my medical stats and my present state of body. I see how good my results are, yet me as a physical person I often feel completely terrible. 

Dr Ney, is it safe to assume there IS or IS NOT a direct correlation between stats and numbers and figures versus how I really feel?  A burning question, a hunger for understanding or a little need for a bit of validation. I think I’m a smart cookie sometimes. I was betting on the no correlation answer. Afterall, I would argue definitively to anyone who would ask me that the two never feel like a true representation of how I really am doing. My own mind even hasn’t been able to make sense of this for these past five months! I was hoping I asked the question appropriately to Dr Ney that we would talk about this and maybe I would confirm what I suspect. 

Bless his gentle heart he told me that often the two are worlds apart from each other. I, or patients like me with my same exact diagnosis, are on a sine wave. I will ride the ups and downs, the highs will be good days, often out of the blue and the lows will be the monster of the deep. Meaning, in the troughs of the tossed sea I can feel like a total turd physically but my great stats, my MRI and bloodwork, can attempt a slight of hand and keep concealed while I may feel like I’m on a downwards slide towards death already, I am actually not and everything data wise points to positive, temporary stability. So, don’t be fooled. 

Something about this type of discussion between us struck a soft spot. A glimmer of hope for me. I’m not asking for this to go away, it won’t. But to understand that I am where I should be on this journey, both in stats and in feeling, as told by my Dr was a bit of a sigh of relief. I am not suffering needlessly. I’m not an anomaly of a patient way off in left field. My Dr says I am where he expected me to be and that I am doing great. Wow, you made my day. Thanks Dr. Ney. 

I do want to clarify, yes as per my faith in my heart I knew I am not truly suffering needlessly  but I still have my doubting moments or lose my focus because I am wholly human and fallibile In the depths of pain or suffering sometimes we just can’t see the horizon line because the swells of the storm are too big and we can temporarily lose our bearings. I guess more than anything today God answered some of my prayers through my discussion with the Dr and got me back on course. Thanks God.