God has been really busy here in Boone's World. Tiny little me...in tiny little Foley, AL, being so specifically cared for by God. It's truly amazing and awe inspiring. 

It happens all the time. Unfortunately, sometimes I am so absorbed in my sorrow and pain, I don't fully realize the hugeness of the blessings and love I'm receiving. 

But right now, I'm noticing. He has my attention. Yes, I feel like utter Hades, truthfully. But God...he just swirls about and does His thing, and...helps me. 

Yesterday I had a very personal and private grief counseling experience via phone, made possible by Kayla. It was so big I'm still processing it. John showed up in a big way and he's been showing up A LOT lately. Yesterday, he made it so that I could not doubt his message to me at all. At all. He was with me and he talked to me. He had a lot to say. I'm taking it all in. 

Then today, an earth angel named Taylor came over to the house. She's going to CLEAN my house. For free. She is an exceptional person. Meeting her in itself was a blessing and we had a wonderful conversation. i talked freely about John, it just was a thing I had to talk about and explain so she'd understand my house and its current "decor." Ha. She was just the sweetest child. She spoke about being a cleaning person for vacation rentals for the past three years. She made great money. But her soul was empty. And over time, the negative aspects of that job began to eat away at her. So she stepped out in faith and opened her own business. And she decided that she would be tremendously active on social media and become a paid creator, in order to provide free services to people who need it. She has a lot of compassion and empathy. She said the people she's chosen can pay her what they can, even if that is nothing. I told her I'd help market her business in any way I can to help pay her. Oh my gosh. Y'all, this is such a big thing to me. Poor Lauren does her best but Toby and me are messy and create dirt. We need some pro-level help! And now, we have Taylor to get us going. I am sooooo grateful. 

Just wow, God. Thank you.

There are, I am sure, more than a few of you who feel like I'm "behind schedule" on this grief thing. I asked a lot of questions yesterday and that was one of them--what's normal? Yes, I have asked this before in my groups. But this was very specific to ME and so I asked again. And again was told, firmly, that it takes whatever it takes. That there is no normal and there is no abnormal on this. Grieving the loss of your spouse is completely individual and is so wrapped up in everything we are. Who we are. Who we were as that couple. You can't map it out. Other than those 5 stages that seem universal, there isn't much that isn't specific to you. 

I feel better having heard that again and having so many things discussed that are specific to me and to me and John. That really, really helps. I'm on my path. I'm working hard while still accommodating my health. I'll get there, wherever that ends up being. 

But I miss him so very much. He made me laugh all the damn time, even when he was at his sickest. He was so funny. I mean really funny. He didn't show everyone that part of himself but if he did, then you knew. I miss his love so much. The best husband. The best friend. The straightest shooter. The person who understood that love is action, better than anyone I've ever known. I just miss "him." Yes, I always will. But this is a missing like no other. Part of me left, too. I'm like a part that's trying to regenerate. It's painful work. And the person I'd most want to share it all with is the one who is missing. 

God is showing me that John is still with me, still loving me. Yes, GOD is loving me. But there are little things that happen that are pure John. One thing I think they've both worked on is this. I am not afraid to die anymore. SO much has happened these last almost-seven months to help me truly believe that dying will just be a short event that puts me in the kingdom. A "place" of infinite love. I know they will continue to remind me that it is not a thing to be feared, but something to be grateful for on the other side of this life. 

It's been quite a week. But it's not over! No, there is more to come that is important. My weekly nurse visit--I've been certified for another 6 weeks and then they think I will be able to be discharged. Fingers crossed. This has been a long haul journey! It will be almost a year, when I am discharged, from when I started. Whew. 

Tomorrow, Melanie and Colette are taking me to visit John's grave. His marker has been installed, and I want to see it so I can move forward on choosing his headstone. (Maybe.) But I also just want to visit, get a little of the peacefulness of his place. I'm looking forward to it, but I know it's going to be difficult, too. 

Right now, I am very, very tired. I need to take a moment. Let myself recharge a bit. So I will do that. 

Onward.