Looks like I'm heading to surgery soon! It's not the exact surgery I was praying for but it is a step in the right direction. My brother flew into town and we went to UCSF this week to meet a new doctor. We were all feeling anxiety and the heaviness of this appointment. I prayed that we would feel a connection to the doctor and leave with some hope. The doctor we were about to meet with comes from Yale and Harvard and is head of oncology at UCSF. Patients come from all over the world to see him. We were nervous. As soon as he walked in the door he put us all at ease. He was incredibly kind, intentional, compassionate, and real. He said connecting with his patients is so important to him and we went on to connect. Of course, I cried (seems to be the new me now), and he handled me with such care and compassion. We learned we both got married at Silver Creek Country Club and shared some laughs about our weddings. He hired an elephant to be at his wedding.... he's a really cool dude, let me tell you. So answered prayer number 1 happened quickly... connection. 

He inquired about my journey and wanted to hear it all. He was focused, and you could see his gifted brain in action as he looked at my scans, listened to my story, and calculated a plan all at the same time. He said, here is what I am offering you. I would like to install a pump into your abdomen that will administer 300-400 times the amount of chemo to your liver and stop the all-over body chemo. At the same time, I would like to remove the colon tumor and begin taking some of the lesions off the liver. We were not expecting him to offer all 3 of those things in this appointment. He went on to share that his longer-term plan was to get the right side of my liver healthy so he could, at a later date, take out the left side of my liver as that will regenerate. He was honest about the gravity of my diagnosis but he gave us hope in what may be possible in the treatment he is offering. He was decisive, humbly confident, and real with us. There are a few steps needed, such as a CT scan, to ensure my artery will allow for this surgery, but he was 90% confident it would. I wouldn't go to surgery for 6-8 weeks from now as I have to be off chemo for some time before they can do this. I go in this Tuesday for what I am hoping is my last round of this chemo for a while, and I am praying for surgery in late June/early July. Answered prayer number 2.... hope. 

It continues to be a very strange place to be. I find myself in great PURSUIT of healing, health and wellness and doing everything I can to support that. At the same time, it's impossible to control my brain from also finding itself PREPARING for all the possible outcomes. I am trying to stay in pursuit of health, growth, and God and avoid times when the part of me that always anticipates the worst has something to say. If you have ever seen the movie Inside Out, I greatly relate to the idea we have these different voices that live inside us, and they all have a different focus. I have one called impending doom who always thinks the worst, expects the worst, and sees the worst, and this voice is loud. I am learning how to quiet it and call upon other voices to come forward that want my best and are placed there by God. I'm continuing to cling to and trust God is always with me, He is working always for my good, He offers a peace that passes all understanding, and to have faith and confidence in what we can see and in what we cannot see because He offers a good, pleasing and perfect will. 

God continues to give me a vision for things in my future. Jake and I would love to start a podcast to help patients and caregivers. We both feel God has given us incredible compassion for those who are struggling like we are. Additionally, I have been keeping a journal and long to write a book one day. I have always wanted to write a book for some reason, even though I have never been a reader or even had something specific to say. Now, there is lots to say, so I wonder if a book is in my future. He is giving me some titles and visions for this so we will see. In this journal I have written some public messages that are for specific audiences. Makes me wonder if God has plans for some public speaking down the road. Who knows. This journey has been a journey of not knowing what is up ahead but trusting God has me on the path I am supposed to be on. 

Prayer Requests:

1. Please continue lifting Jake up in prayer. He continues to be the biggest gift in all of this. You can see in his writing how special he is and how lucky I am to have him. This is a long and taxing road for the caretaker, too, and He is the BEST. I love him more than I ever thought possible and pray for his best all the time. Please keep covering him in prayer, as we are in a marathon over here, and he needs strength. 

2. Protection for Hailey and Braden. They are doing well and engaged in so many things and we are thankful for that. They eagerly look forward to Summer! Pray God continues to protect them. 

3. Prayers my artery is good for this procedure, and I get a surgery date soon.

4. And I continue to boldly ask for radical remission, and/or healing that could only come from the Lord. 

5. Patience and Trust in God's plan and God's timing, and THANKS to God for the UCSF pivot. 

Wishing all the moms out there a Happy Mother's Day weekend and grateful for all the prayers and care. This is quite a ride and I'm thankful to have others to share it with. Jake and I will be praying for all of you and wishing you a great week ahead. 

Love, 
Amy