When I was a kid, my parents often told me that life is unfair. I find myself repeating that phrase to my own kids all the time. What a tough concept for us to comprehend as children - and adults! As I have mentioned before, I have had several songs come through on Pandora that I have felt God's message coming through. The song that is currently on repeat for me lately is Heaven Come Down by Jet Trouble. The phrase that resonates with me is: "I trust you when life's tough and unfair."

In my last update, I had good news regarding how chemo went. I did recover faster - or I have learned to avoid the things that trigger the symptoms - like ice cream 🙄.  However, the fatigue this time around feels similar to when you first bring your baby home from the hospital. You are getting little sleep, plus you are recovering from giving birth (or from being rudely awakened at 1 am , followed by 9 hours of meeting the demands of a laboring wife 😝). I am just physically exhausted. 

After doing a little more research on what albumin does, the fatigue is likely a result of my body not absorbing the protein so I have added in vitamin D. Also, I have been working hard to get my protein intake up. On off-weeks, I feel like the Hungry Caterpillar, eating constantly, and yet, I am still hungry! The doctors are happy with this report, as many patients start to struggle with food aversion this far into treatment.

Next week is the last week of school for the boys, which means that summer is here next week! My devotional yesterday was once again the message I needed to hear, but did not want to hear. I am still struggling with the lack of a summer plan for them, and I am busy preparing my work events with all the "what if" scenarios into play. Life continues to feel unfair, I get asked what our summer plans are...

"Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails."  Proverbs 19:21

Notifications about appointments continue to roll in on the Mayo Portal. When I am 7 days out from an appointment, I get questionnaires to complete about how I am feeling, which also triggers a little bit of anxiety, as that reminds me that the next chemo treatment is only a week away. As I was reviewing my schedule on the portal on Wednesday, I noticed that June 12th had disappeared, and moved to June 25th. In addition, there were a few more appointments added, including a radiation simulation on the 26th.

Rather than going immediately to that's not fair, I decided to message the nurse to get a better understanding of why they moved the appointment. Thankfully, they are quick to reply. She explained that they will wait to do updated imaging until after my scheduled surgery (operation to avoid early menopause) on June 21st, and that June 5th is still my last round of chemo (there are still 4 more after June 5th on my future appointments). She went on to explain that the team was still working on getting a date finalized for surgery in July, but that it will be 1-2 days after radiation. Finally, somewhat of a timeline. I was mentally preparing to miss the 4th of July, Park Days and the County Fair. Of course, that is all tentative until the imaging is done.

At about 5 p.m. yesterday, I received a call with the surgery date of July 17th. I was confused at first because I can never keep all the doctor's names straight! I mean, I only have 5 on my team, right?! Since I had just inquired about the surgery on June 21st that is where my mind went, but she was actually referring to the "BIG" surgery, not the "easy" surgery already scheduled. She said that I should be there for radiation the week prior, so they will schedule the pre-op appointments when we are already there. We will meet with the surgeon before then to talk about the actual surgery details.

Finally, a date... I can plan summer. I should be relieved, but I might still be at "It's not fair". Even though I was prepared to miss the fair, I was not prepared to still be in the hospital during the fair. I am overwhelmed with how's and who's. Carson will show chickens, and Corbin, of course, doesn't want to miss the fair either. I know that everyone will step in to help, and it will be fine, but I'm still over here processing...

"I trust you when life's tough and unfair. You feel my hurt, Love Deep, and draw Near. I can't do this on my own." Heaven Come Down by Jet Trouble