History

Friday, May 29, 2009 7:04 PM CDT

Hi everyone, sorry it has been so long. The security thing that I put on here to keep the low-lifes off, was even keeping me off. I was putting in the right password, but it still wasn't letting me on. I took off the security, so the low-lifes will probably be back on here, but oh well. Yesterday would have been Adam's 17th birthday, we let balloons off as usual. I miss him so much! He was such a sweetheart! It is hard to believe that he would be that old. Tomorrow is Wyatt's birthday, he will be 4. That is also hard to believe! School is going well, this quarter is almost over, Thank God! 4 quarters left. Well that is all for now.

Love,
Adam's mom 4-ever

Thursday, January 8, 2009 8:12 AM CST

Hi everyone,
I hope that you all had a great holiday season! Ours was good. I just went back to school this week, scary!!!!!!!!!
It just keeps getting harder! Our class started with 101 students and is now down to 91! Pray for me! I love you all and thank you for getting on here. We just got wireless yesterday, and it is so much better than dial up, so hopefully I will be on here more often now. We will be getting a new e-mail though. I will let you know what it is.
Love,
Holly and family

Wednesday, December 17, 2008 4:17 PM CST

My dearest Adam,

It will be 5 years since you left us on Sunday. If you had told me then that I could have survived this long without you, I never would have believed it. But unfortunately life does go on even when we don't want it to. Those first few years without you, I thought I would surely die from the sheer pain of living without you. but I didn't die, I have just learned to live with the pain. Not one hour goes by without me thinking of you. Not one day that I don't long to hear your voice. People say that it gets easier, but I have not found that true. Each day I go through the motions, and yes I have moments when I am happy, but I know that I will never be that happy on this earth again. I won't have that kind of happiness until I am reunited with you and our Savior in heaven. I miss you son!
Love,
mama

Tuesday, November 11, 2008 5:13 PM CST

Hi everyone,
sorry, I know that it has been awhile since I have been on here. I have been so busy with school and family. I am still very upset with what is happening with the guestbook. Jennifer thank you so much for all you have done. It will be 5 years in December that our Adam has been gone. It seems like an eternity. Everything I do at school reminds me of him and his bravery. We are learning about pressure sores right now, and of course I think about how he almost died from a pressure sore. Today we got checked off on feeding tubes, and I remember when he got his feeding tube and the many months that he had it after ICU. Different drugs bring back memories, different conditions. It seems like in his 8 years of sickness that he had it all. Poor thing! What a sweetheart! I miss him so very much! The boys and Doug are doing fine although Josh has given us quite a few scares recently, first the concussion from football, and then a fever of 104 for 6 days. They said it was just a virus thank God! They scared me to death at first and told me because he had just gotten over a UTI that it cold be a serios kidney problem. Thank God it wasn't!!!!!! Johnathon is still jobless, although he is trying. Wyatt is getting bigger every day!
Love to all of you that still get on here and remember Adam with me,
Holly

Monday, October 6, 2008 5:56 PM CDT

Hi everyone,
Once again, it has been awhile, and I am sorry. I get so disgusted every time I get on here and read the guest book.
Thankyou Jennifer for what you tried to do. I am computer illiterit, and I got your e-mail about the block, but not the last one. I have no idea how to put a block on here. I have considered closing the page, but I just can't. I love getting on here, and hearing from others who loved our Adam. It somehow keeps him alive for me. I know, crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!! But that is how I feel. Thankyou for still getting on here Jennifer. I will write more later, but now I have to go pick up Josh from football.
Love,
Holly

Friday, July 25, 2008 7:36 PM CDT

I am truly disgusted that people could be heartless enough to put the crap in the guestbook that has been put in there. If you have nothing better to do with your time than that then I feel sorry for you! To all the people that really did care about Adam and about us, I am sorry that I had not checked the guestbook sooner! I have deleted those offending messages, and I am sorry that you were subjected to them. I have not been on here for awhile, and I was shocked that anyone could do something like that on a memorial page. We are doing fine. We have had some problems with our oldest since he graduated, but I am hoping that is over, and I can get on here more often. We went to Memphis over Honda's shut down, and we had a really good time. I got to see Elvis"s Graceland again. I had been there once when I was 9, but it has changed so much. I even got a picture of myself made with him on computer. I will cherish it forever. Never let it be said that I didn't know the king. I have a picture to prove it! We are getting ready for Bible school here, and of course that always makes me think of my sweet Adam. He loved it so. He truly was the best christian I have ever known! I miss him so much! Wyatt is getting bigger every day and even more ornery. Josh is getting ready to play 8th grade football, and I start clinicals in September. Please pray that I will be able to fulfill my promise to Adam and become a nurse. I am scared I won't be smart enough. Love to all of you good people that still get on here and remember Adam with me.
Love,
Holly

Wednesday, May 28, 2008 11:49 AM CDT

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ADAM DOUGLAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WE MISS YOU SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH! I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT YOU WOULD BE 16 TODAY!!!!!!!!! ACTUALLY YOU WON'T BE OFFICIALLY 16 UNTIL 1:17PM. I DIDN'T THINK THAT YOU WERE EVER GOING TO MAKE YOUR APPEARANCE THAT DAY, BUT AFTER 16 HOURS OF LABOR YOU FINALLY MADE IT. WHAT A BLESSING YOU WERE! I THANK GOD FOR EVERY SINGLE MINUTE THAT I HAD YOU IN MY LIFE. YOU TAUGHT ME SO MUCH! YOU TAUGHT ME NOT TO TAKE PEOPLE OR LIFE FOR GRANTED. I TAKE TIME TO TELL PEOPLE WHAT THEY MEAN TO ME NOW. I TAKE THAT EXTRA FEW MINUTES TO MAKE A PHONE CALL TO SOMEONE THAT I HAVE NOT HEARD FROM IN AWHILE. I CHERISH YOUR BROTHERS SMILES, WATCHING THEM WALK INTO THE ROOM, HEARING THERE VOICES, AND I TRY VERY HARD TO NOT GO TO BED MAD AT ANYONE. IT HAS TAKEN ME 4 YEARS TO FORGIVE SOMEONE FOR THE MEAN THINGS THEY SAID AND DONE TO YOU, AND YOU FORGAVE THEM THE SAME DAY. yOUR MY HERO, ADAM, I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ALL THE JELLY BEANS IN THE WORLD. MAMA

Thursday, May 15, 2008 6:26 AM CDT

Thankyou to all of you that still get on here. I am sorry about that last entry. I still have my days. Unfortunately I think I always will. I don't want to sound like a bitter old woman though. I just miss him............
I am trying to get everything done that I need to get done, before my clinicals start in the fall. I have all these shots I have to get done and I am applying for a student loan. It is all very exciting and nerve racking at the same time. I am afraid I will forget to get something done by the deadline. I don't do deadlines well. I am a fly the seat of your pants kind of girl.Adam made me that way. You couldn't plan anything because of his illness, you just had to go when he felt good. Well that is all for now. Sorry I was such a sad sack before.
Love,
Holly

Sunday, May 4, 2008 6:36 PM CDT

dearest Adam,
I miss you so much my sweetboy! When I lost you I truly lost one of my best friends. You were old beyond your years. I miss the things that we shared you and I. The other day I went to see Johnathon walk down the carpet for prom, and I went to your grave afterwards and cried because I will never get to see you do that. In 24 days you would have been 16 years old. I have been trying to write a poem for you, but haven't been able to put into words the way that I feel. I have been thinking of how you would look, how you would drive, what you would drive. One of the ladies at the bank just lost her son last week in a car accident, and my heart aches for her, because her life will never be the same. I love and miss you so much punkin. Mama

Monday, March 24, 2008 7:23 PM CDT

Happy Easter,
My sweetboy! Ileft you your jellybeans. Actually Wyatt did. It was perfect the tube with the jellybeans having a rabbit with a fishing pole and all. I miss you so much punkin, but I am so eternally grateful to God and Jesus for the sacrifice they made so that we can live eternally together! That is what gets me through each day, is knowing without a doubt that I will see you again some day. I love you more than all the jellybeans in the world!!!!!
Love,
Mama

Thursday, February 28, 2008 1:39 PM CST

hey my sweet boy,

were your ears burning today. I was talking about you again. I know I talk about you all the time, but I can't help it. If I can't see you I am going to talk about you. I was talking to one of the other ladies in my class, because she has a little girl who has alot of different health problems. We were talking abouthow brave you kids are and how much you go through. I feel for her, because I remember watching you suffer, and not being able to do anything about it. It is terrible to watch your child suffer. Even now as much as I miss you and want you back, I could not put you through that again. but in a way I am envious of her beause she still has her child. Terrible huh? oh well you already know how your mama is. you knew me better than most people. We have quite a bit of snow here Mr. Adam, are your responsible for pouring it out? I bet that you helped! I am about sick of science let me tell you! i just have had enough of it! but as soon as this class is over, i ahve to take Micro! Oh Joy!
I love you,
Love mama

Saturday, January 26, 2008 1:42 PM CST

Dearest Adam,

i miss you so much, sweetboy! More than you know. Mama hasn't been having very good thoughts lately. Kind of bitter. I know that it is this time of year, and being cooped up that have got me depressed,but I just can't shake it. I miss having you to talk to. You were a great friend, and a wonderful son.
Love,
mama

Thursday, January 3, 2008 6:25 PM CST

Hi sweetboy,

Another year without you, I will never get used to that. I talk about you every day, I think about you even more than I talk about you, but sometimes it makes people uncomfortable when I talk about you so I don't do it. But I am getting better about not caring about what others think when it comes to you. You are my son, and just because you are no longer here, it doesn't mean you are not important. You are just as important as the other 3 sons that I have here with me. I was watching videos of you the other day. In one you were the same age that Wyatt is now, and you two looked so much alike it's amazing. I miss you so much punkin. I can't believe you would be 16 in May. I bet you would have been a good driver. You were always a good dirtbike driver and 4 wheeler. Josh on the other hand scares me to death!He doesn't know what brakes are! I love you sweetie, more than all the jelly beans in the world.
Love,
Mama

Thursday, December 20, 2007 8:51 AM CST

Dearest Adam,

tomorrow it will be 4 years since we lost you. It seems like a hundred. I can't even remember what it felt like to hold you in my arms. I was just looking at pictures of you on here to put on your website, and I found one of you in Florida, with me making a sand castle, and if I wasn't with you in it wearing a swimsuit, I would have put it on here. Because that is the way I like to think of you, in heaven. Sitting on the beach with the ocean behind you, with a big smile on your face. You loved the ocean. So did uncle Jason, so I like to think of Heaven as a big ocean and beach with you two playing in the waves together. I love and miss you so much sweetboy. More than all the jellybeans in the world. I thank God for blessing me to be your mother even if it was such a short time. I was blessed.

Monday, November 26, 2007 5:43 PM CST

Adam I finally passed that class today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
remember the one that I started twice when you were here with me. It is finally over! I got an A. This Sat. is December 1st, Adam Kindell day! yeh! Dad and I are going to see Brad Paisley, and we will be thinking of you the whole time! I hope that he sings your song "The fishing song". I miss you so very much! this time is the worst! But it is also the best, because if Jesus had not came to this world to save us than I would never see that beautiful little face again, and that would be just horrible. That is what keeps me going, knowing that someday I will see you again. I can't wait. Besides Jesus, you really were my best friend! I love you sweet boy! More than all the jelly beans in the world! Mama

Thursday, November 1, 2007 3:55 PM CDT

Hi everyone,
Sorry, once again I have taken forever to update! I have been having problems with this stupid dial up again. I hate it, but can't get high speed internet in this area. I went through Adam's things wo days ago to find a storybook reader he had for Wyatt. It just about broke my heart. I went through one rubbermaid container, and then I could not take it anymore. He was such a sweetheart. There was a Halloween story in there that he had wrote right before he got sick that last time. he said that giant grapes were chasing Josh until he beat them up. I remember that last halloween he dressed like Zorro and could barely walk, his legs hurt so bad. When he died I had to give his halloween candy away, to his cousins, because I couldn't stand to see the boys eat it. He had it all compartmentalized in ziplock bags. Reeses in one bag, snickers in another, etc. He loved his snickers. The boys already had there's gone, but he just hadn't felt good enough to eat his.

Monday, October 8, 2007 5:42 PM CDT

Okay so here I am late again. Sorry!!!
Wyatt is doing much better, thank you all for the prayers. We are down to the last 2 molars. Those things were wicked for him. I don't remember the other boys having so much trouble! Kim you are such a sweetheart! Thank you for still displaying Adam's picture. He loved you. I know that he didn't know you for very long, but we spoke of the brave lady that gave her bone marrow for him every day of that year and he prayed for you every night.
I am only taking one class right now, but I hate this class with a passion. Part of it is because it is soooooooooo boring, and part of it is because I took it twice before, and had to quit each time, because Adam got sick again. It is my nursing aide class. I will be so happy when it is over. I can not believe johnathon is a senior! I swear it seems like he was starting kindergarden just yesterday. They grow up so very fast.
Well that is all for now, love to all,
Holly

Wednesday, September 19, 2007 5:16 PM CDT

Hi everyone,
I am so sorry that it has taken me so long to update this! We have been having trouble with our internet and Wyatt has been sick off and on. He had a throat infection, and was really sick for a few weeks, and has been trying to get his molars in the past few days. Please pray that he will start feeling much better soon. I know that I should have more faith than I do, but whenever one of the kids keeps getting sick or takes a long time getting over something, fear just grabs hold of me and won't let go. I pray for all the kids with cancer everyday, and all of their families. I know what it is like to live in fear every day, and I never want another family to go through that. Every time that I watch Wyatt playing in his sandbox or playing with his trains, I thank God that he is able to do so. I know that there are parents at that same moment watching their child endure spinal taps, radiation, and chemotherapy. adam lost so much of his childhood. That is the only thing that gets me through, knowing that he is enjoying it now. Thank you to all of you who still get on here and read about us and remember our Adam with us. And thankyou Kim for never forgetting Adam. You gave him the most wonderful gift, another year with his family. We will never forget that. Once again, thank you all! It is so nice to be able to get on here and talk about Adam, without getting the look that says here we go again.
Love in Christ,
Holly

Monday, August 6, 2007 11:57 AM CDT

Here is picture of Wyatt Adam at 2 years and 2 months. He loves the zoo Adam just like you did. The other 2 won't even come with us anymore. I think we made them sick of it. We have already went about 6 times this summer! Well I finished my anatomy class with a B, Thank God! I have a few weeks off until fall quarter starts, so I am doing some much nedded cleaning and repairs around the house. Well that is all for now. Thanks to all of you who still get on here. Love, Holly

Sunday, July 29, 2007 6:52 PM CDT

My sweet angel boy,
I watched you today on video. I just had to see your face, hear your voice, and remember the joy I knew when I had you with me. You were beautiful! I watched the tape of you boys in Florida, when you were all in the pool, having such a good time. Then you were in the ocean riding the waves and you had this great big smile on your face! Priceless! It is hard to believe that you died just 5 months later. I Love and miss you so much punkin. More than all the jellybeans in the world! Love, mama

Thursday, July 26, 2007 5:13 PM CDT

Hi everyone,
Linda and Kim thankyou for the entries in the guestbook, I appreciate it. I miss hearing from people. I have one day and one week left of this quarter. I will be glad when this one is over, it's been pretty tough. Nect week I have a quiz on the heart, a lab practical, and a final exam. Why am I doing this again? Just kidding I know why. Please don't forget to sign the guestbook. I miss hearing from my friends.
Love,
Holly

Sunday, July 8, 2007 7:03 PM CDT

Hi everyone,
once again it has taken me awhile to get on here. Sorry! Doug and I just went away for the weekend to celebrate our anniversary. We had a really nice time, we stayed in Columbus, and I always feel close to Adam there. Just because we spent so much time together there, and it wasn't all bad. I remember all the times we went out to eat after a clinic appointment. All the times we went to stores after a spinal tap to get a toy. He and I had some really good times together. I would get lost sometimes coming from radiation when there was construction, and he would ask me " mom do you know where your going?" And I would say "Of course I do" but I am pretty sure he knew that I didn't. We would eventually get where we needed to be. He was so patient and kind. I miss him so much!

Love ya Adam,
mama

Tuesday, June 19, 2007 8:00 AM CDT

Dearest Adam,
I love and miss you so much! Not an hour goes by that I do not think of you. I can't tell you how many times I think or say, Adam would love this, or I wish Adam could see this, or I wonder how he would look now. I can't wait to see you in Heaven and see if you grew up or stayed the same age. That is something that I wonder about. I love you so much punkin. I strted my anatomy and physiology class, and it is hard. Irememmber all the times I tried to teach you something when you were little, "it's hard" you'd say. Well this is going to be really hard so kind of smile down on me if you will. My first class was yesterday, and I have to know all of the internal organs and where they are by tomorrow! Yeh right! This is your mom we're talking about. I'll drink all of a pop, and throw the can in the trash, and 10 minutes later i'm going around the house looking for my pop, forgetting that I drank it all. A real brainyack right? Believe it or not this is one time I am glad I can't hear you answer me.
I love ya more than all the jellybeans in the whole wide world,
Love,
mama

Wednesday, May 30, 2007 6:35 PM CDT

I want to thank all of you once again, for still getting on here! It means so very much to me, that people still care about Adam. I think about him every single day, several times a day, but sometimes it seems like nobody else remembers him. Then I get on here and read your messages, and It just touches my heart, that so many of you still care. Thank you so much! Thanks to the people who sent cards and to the ones who put things on his grave. We are making a scholorship fund in Adam's memory, and will be specifying that it goes to one of our children. Johnathon doesn't want to go, but Josh does (I hope that doesn't change). I am hoping Johnathon will change his mind when he is a little older and more mature. I know I wasn't ready to go to college when I graduated.

Adam Douglas,
I love and miss you so very much! I think about the things that we did together, and I just have to think God that I was blessed to have you for 11 and a half years. I know you went through alot in those 11 years and it is selfish of me to have put you through all that, but I loved you so much that I did not want to lose you. You were so very special! You are my special angel and I love you more than all the jelly beans in the whole wide world! Love, mama

Monday, May 28, 2007 1:16 PM CDT

Happy 15th Birthday Sweet Boy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You are loved and missed so very very much1 We got you a cake with strawberries on it, I know how you loved strawberries. We decorated your grave red and white again for the Reds and tonight we will let your green balloons go. Grandma Roberts got you a statue of an army man for your grave, and dad and I put it right beside your stone, so it looks like he is guarding it. You were my little soldier, you certainly fought your own war with cancer. I love ya babe. Love, mama

Wednesday, May 16, 2007 5:42 AM CDT

hi everyone,
I am sitting here,trying to talk myself into getting ready for class. My first class is so boring, I have to make myself go. It is really easy for me though, so I guess I shouldn't complain. Who would know that human behavior could be so boring? Wyatt is stil in bed, and the boys are getting ready for school, so I just thought I would update. I had as good a mothers day as you can have when you have one missing. Doug, Josh, Wyatt and I went to the zoo on Saturday (Johnathon thinks he is to old for the zoo). Wyatt really likes it now, and he was very excited. They got me a cake and roses. Sweet huh? I missed Adam very much, but I am getting used to that. We decorated his grave Sat. after we got back from the zoo. I went with red and white again for the Reds, even though they are not doing so hot. Well I think that is all for now, I really have to get around. Love, Holly

Thursday, May 3, 2007 5:33 AM CDT

Hi everyone,
Sorry that it has been so long. Between school, and the kids and life in general, I have been busy. Doug's grandma passed away on Sunday morning. We all know that she is better off, she has been wanting that for a long time, ever since her husband died 20 years ago. I know that Adam and Jason are happy to see her, and I feel better knowing she is there with them. She was a wonderful lady. I never knew what a grandma was supposed to be like, until I met her. She was better to me than either one of my grandma's and I will miss her very much.
Johnathon went to prom on Sat. with his girlfriend Jessie. They looked really nice. It broke my heart that I will never get to see Adam like that. Well I need to go and get my boys up for school. Love, Adam's mom

Dearest Adam,
Were you glad to see Grandma Stella? I bet you were. You always loved her dearly. Is she feedig you butterfingers and juice boxes like she did down here? I love and miss you so much punkin, more than all the jellybeans in the world. Love, mama

Tuesday, April 10, 2007 8:10 AM CDT

Oh Adam how I miss you! I was going through your pictures to chose one to put on here, and I can't believe that it was only 3 years ago that I touched you and held you in my arms, it seems like an eternity. I love you so much sweetheart. Did you see your Easter basket on your grave, before it blew away? It was a baseball. I thought of you when i saw it. Wyatt is getting so big, daddy and I talk about how good you would be with him. The boys are making you proud i am sure, the way they take care of him. I love you punkin, more than all the jellybeans in the whole wide world! love, mama

Sunday, March 25, 2007 11:32 AM CDT

Hi everyone,
I want to thank all of you faithful people, who still get on here. I start school tomorrow. I'm a little nervous, I always am on the first day. I am looking forward to meeting new people though. I miss my friends. I will miss Wyatt tomorrow though, I am sure. Well I have steaks on the grill, better go.
Love Adam's mom 4-ever

Wednesday, March 14, 2007 9:00 AM CDT

Hi everyone,
Sorry I am late again with the entry. I have been busy walpapering and peeling off wallpaper. Let's just suffice it to say, that if I never see wallpaper again it would be too soon! I got my letter the other day, telling me that I was accepted into the nursing class of 2010, therefore I will start in the fall of 2008. I am still registered for classes this spring, however. I am trying to get all the little classes out of the way, so that when I go into the nursing, that is all that I will have to worry about. My dad is going to watch Wyatt. Speaking of Wyatt, the reason that he is so red in the picture is because he was crying his head off right before she snapped the picture. He hates to have his picture taken. It is hard to believe that Adam would have been 15 in 2 months. I try to picture what he would look like today. Would he still be so skinny? Would he be tall? Would his hair be darker? I miss him so much! Love, Holly

Wednesday, February 28, 2007 10:21 AM CST

Here's Wyatt at 20 months!

What a week! Doug's grandma fell and broke her leg really bad on Friday, the poor thing laid there all day in her kitchen, until Doug's dad found her around 7pm. It was a really bad break, so she had to have major surgery on Sunday, and it took 5 and a half hours. Then they had trouble waking her so she was in recovery for another 3 hrs. She doesn't understand, why she is still around, when she has lost a son, a grandson,a great grandson and her husband. I've got to say I don't understand it either. It seems cruel to see her just lying there so helpless. Adam always loved her dearly, everytime an ambulance went by our house, he would call to make sure she was okay. He even made me take him there when he was dying. Well I have to go, Wyatt just fell asleep in his high-chair.
Love, Holly

Wednesday, February 28, 2007 10:21 AM CST

What a week! Doug's grandma fell and broke her leg really bad on Friday, the poor thing laid there all day in her kitchen, until Doug's dad found her around 7pm. It was a really bad break, so she had to have major surgery on Sunday, and it took 5 and a half hours. Then they had trouble waking her so she was in recovery for another 3 hrs. She doesn't understand, why she is still around, when she has lost a son, a grandson,a great grandson and her husband. I've got to say I don't understand it either. It seems cruel to see her just lying there so helpless. Adam always loved her dearly, everytime an ambulance went by our house, he would call to make sure she was okay. He even made me take him there when he was dying. Well I have to go, Wyatt just fell asleep in his high-chair.
Love, Holly

Wednesday, February 21, 2007 12:06 AM CST

Hi everyone,
sorry that it has taken me so long to get back on here. I was studying for the ACT for a week. I finally got that over with, thank God! I just put my nursing application into MTC yesterday, so hopefully I will hear from them soon. Then I will know if I was accepted into the nursing program for this fall or not. Please pray it is a yes. I am going a little stir crazy in the house. I need to get out in the real world, and have adult conversations. I love Wyatt dearly, but I need some adult contact too. I just got his picture taken, so I will put it on here when I get them. He is getting so big, I can not believe that he will be 2 in 3 months. Adam would have adored him! I keep wondering if this ache for him will ever go away, but I guess I wouldn't want it to, because then I wouldn't be a good mom.
Love,
Holly

Tuesday, February 6, 2007 5:16 AM CST

Hey sweetboy,
mom sure misses you. It seems like a lifetime since I held you in my arms, and told you that I loved you. Wyatt is getting very big. Are you keeping an eye on him? He has been sick the last couple of days. Josh is sitting here beside me, I don't know how he got up this early. I love you very much, and miss you just as much!
Love,
mama and Josh

Friday, January 12, 2007 11:49 AM CST

Sorry it has taken me so long to update. I have been trying to get some things done around here, and getting more info on student loans and financial aid, so that I can keep my promise to Adam, and become a nurse. I would like to do that before I am forty. I'm getting old. As Diana reminded me on my birthday! Wyatt is getting bigger every day, and has started getting into Sesame Street. I am so glad that one of my kids will watch it. Adam never did like any of the little kid shows. He was my country music kid. Johnathon liked Barney but not Sesame street, and Josh was a Tele tubby nut. I loved Sesame street when I was a kid, and I think it teaches them so much. Wyatt is already to smart for his own good though. He is always getting into something. He reminds me alot of Johnathon, stubborn to the core. I just don't know where they get that! Ha, Ha.
Adam,
I love you sweetie,
I am working on fulfilling my promise to you. I want to help sick kids like you. You always wanted to be a doctor so that you could help other kids. I know that you are helping them from heaven. I love you sweetie, more than all the jellybeans in the world. Love, mama

Saturday, December 30, 2006 2:54 PM CST

Okay guys, here's the deal. Our computer crashed just before Christmas, so we had to get a new computer. I lost everyone's e-mails and website addresses. I would really appreciate it if you could e-mil me so I could get your addresses back. Abbie I need Mitchell's address also. I don't want to lose contact with you all. Thank you all so much, I appreciate it!

Adam,
I hope that you and uncle Jason caught all those balloons! I love you and miss you so very much sweetboy, more than all the jelly beans in the world! Love,Mama

Thursday, December 21, 2006 5:52 AM CST

Dearest Adam,

It was three years ago today that you left us, and we haven't been the same since. We miss you every moment of every day. You are always on our minds and in our hearts. Mama and daddy will be letting off your balloons today, so you be looking for them. Love, mama

Thursday, December 7, 2006 5:26 AM CST

hi sweetboy,
are you having fun up there with Stevo? I hope so. Diana, Ethan, Wyatt and I are going to see Santa today. I hope he isn't scared of him. I remember taking you and Johnathon when you were his age. You were scared to pieces. I saw that picture the other day, and you were very unhappy.But even though you were crying, you still managed to keep your pacifier in your mouth. You were a big passy boy. Wyatt hasn't taken one since he was about 6 months. I love you punkin, and I miss you so much.
Love, mama

Thursday, November 30, 4:30 a.m.

Guess what tomorrow is my boy? It is Adam Kindell day. How many little boys are so special that they get a day named after them? Not many. Oh how I miss you!!!!!!!! Is Steveo behaving? Probably not! He is quite ornery. I hope they have chew bones in Heaven. I put Christmas lights on your grave this year, you always liked them. I have been trying to find some good battery operated ones since you left us, I finally found some on QVC. They have a timer, so they will come on at the same time every night and go off in 6 hrs. Do you know how much I love you Adam Kindell? I don't think you could possibly know. My arms still ache to hold you and my heart still hurts when I think of all you went through. Your my Hero! Love, mama

Friday, October 20, 2006 4:55 PM CDT

Adam I bet you are laughing your head off right now! Your dad took the day off today, and we went out to breakfast in Marion, and he decided that we should take Wyatt to the pet store to look at the animals. What a mistake! I fell in love with this little dog as soon as I saw it in the cage, and you know me, Adam, that is just not like me. I am not and never have been an animal lover. We would not even have Gabby, if you hadn't asked for her when you found out you were dying. But he is just too darn cute, and he had been there for 5 and a half months, so they were really trying to get rid of him, because they felt sorry for him being there that long. The girl kept trying to talk me into it, and I kept telling her no, but we got half way home, and had to turn around to go and get him. I know, I know I am a sap! What can I say? Here I am with another dog, who I named Elvis by the way. I gave him to the boys, because Gabby is and will always be your dog. It made their day. He is cute. You would like him. Don't worry I will still give Gabby lots of love and care. Love, mama

Monday, October 16, 2006 6:46 PM CDT

I want to thank all of you who still get on here, and leave me messages. They mean so much to me. This website is still such a comfort to me. It is my safe place where I can go and talk to or about Adam, and I don't get any of the "here we go again looks that I get from some people". Kim thank you for your kind words! Diana thank you for always being just a phone call away. I went out the other night with some friends, and we had a real good time just reminiscing about our kids that have passed. It felt good to be with someone who understands. I have wonderful friends that listen whenever I want them to, but they don't truly understand, and I wouldn't want them to, because that would mean that they would have to lose a child, and I would not wish that on anyone. Wyatt is getting more ornery every day! he looks like Adam, but he acts like the other two. He flushed Doug's keys down the toilet, and put a personal item of mine in the VCR. Johnathon goes to court on Friday to plead guilty to a traffic violation, and Josh is just Josh always on the phone. Well that is all for now, Love to all,

Holly

Friday, October 6, 2006 6:39 AM CDT

Hey pumpkin,
I miss you so much! I went to peel potatoes the other day for supper, and I had to smile, because I remembered you asking me if you could peel them. I used to grudgingly let you, because it took so much longer for you to peel them than me, but you loved to do it. I always wondered if you would be a chef someday, because you loved to cook and bake. I remember when you found out that you were dying, you said that we would forget about you, how wrong you were. I can't go one minute of a day without thinking of you sweetboy. What would Adam being doing now? Would he be as tall as me? Would he have a girlfriend? Would he still be in the band? I see anything camoflauge and I think of you. I see your classmates and hear about their lives, and I wish you were here to live yours with them. I miss you so much! No one truly knows what it is like until you have lived it. It stinks. Wyatt is getting bigger everyday, and getting into everything. Josh is getting a mouth on him already, and I was hoping to have another year before that happened. Johnathon is getting ready to go to the homecoming with his girlfriend Jessie. He didn't want to dress up, but I am making him. Everytime I see them doing something or one of your friends, it is like rubbing salt in the wound. I will never get to see you grow up or wear a tux or do sports. I love and miss you so much. Love, mama

Thursday, September 14, 2006 6:12 AM CDT

SO WILL IT BE WITH THE RESURECTION OF THE DEAD. THE BODY WHICH IS SOWN IS PERISHABLE, IT IS RAISED IMPERISHABLE;IT IS SOWN IN DISHONOR, IT IS RAISED IN GLORY ; IT IS SOWN A NATURAL BODY, IT IS RAISED A SPIRITUAL BODY. IF THER IS ANATURAL BODY, THERE IS ALSO A SPIRITUAL BODY. SO IT IS WRITTEN: "THE FIRST MAN ADAM BECAME A LIVING BEING"; THE LAST ADAM, A LIFE GIVING SPIRIT. THE SPIRITUAL DID NOT COME FIRST, BUT THE NATURAL, AND AFTER THAT THE SPIRITUAL. 1ST CORINTHIANS 15:42-46
Hi sweetboy,
Mama misses you so very much. The fair was last week, and all I could think about was you, and how much you loved it. I remember when Jennifer, told you about deep fried twinkies on here, so the next time we went you had to try one. Your favorite was the shaved ice though. I have so many pictures of you with blue lips, because of them. Living without you, is the hardest thing I have ever done. For as long as I live I will not get used to not hearing your voice, not kissing you goodnight, not seeing you play with Wyatt. You would have been so good with him. He reminds me so much of you in looks, but not in attitude. I remember that before you got sick, you were a little ornery, but it is hard to remember what you were like before then. It seems like you were sick your whole life. I know it is not fair to wish you back after you fought so hard, I just miss you. I miss our talks. You were such a little adult. I miss having someone to watch Little House On The Prairie with. The boys just don't get it. I even miss you watching the Reds game every time they are on, and me yelling because I want to watch something else. Do you know we cancelled that channel this year, and yet we still get it? I bet you had something to do with that. I love you sweetboy, you are and always will be my hero.
Love, mama

Tuesday, August 29, 2006 7:42 AM CDT

Hi all,
this picture was taken in November of 2001, 3 months before Adam relapsed for the second time.This is one of my favorite pictures of him. This is how I remember him. he always had his hair combed and cared about his appearance. You would be happy to know Adam that your brothers are finaly starting to care a little about theirs. I love and miss you so very much. Well I have to go, your little brother is getting into everything. Love, mama

Saturday, August 19, 2006 6:44 PM CDT

HI all,
I had a wonderful dream of Adam last night. We were in the CRV leaving some relatives, someone had died, I don't know who. Anyway, Adam is in the backseat, and he says, they didn't seem very upset about it, and I say to him, when you died Adam everyone was very upset, and he gets this great big grin on his face, and says but now I'm back and you are stuck with me! And then I woke up! OH how I wish I was stuck with you punkin! I took the boys school clothes shopping yesterday, and I couldn't help but remember taking you that last year and how excited you were, that we got to go alone to the mall and you got to pick out your own clothes. Little did we know that it would only be a few months till you were gone. I love and miss you so much! Love, mama

Thursday, August 10, 2006 6:42 AM CDT

Hi everyone,
I want to thank those of you who still get on here. It means so much to me. I got some good news the last couple of days. My internet friend Abbie, who lost her son Mitchell to a brain tumor 7 months before I lost Adam, is expecting. Praise God! She had her tubes reversed shortly after me, and couldn't get pregnant because of scar tissue blocking her tubes. But anyway they did IVF, and it took first try, she is now 7 weeks pregnant, and I hope that you will keep her in your prayers. Mitch was her only child, and her and her husband Archie were lost without him. I can only imagine, since I have three other children, and I still feel lost without my Adam. Then there is our friends Jody and Randy, who we met when Adam was in PICU in a coma. Their daughter Jenna was in a coma as well, only she was only 2 and had alot of problems due to a genetic condition. She died a year and a half before Adam. They have been waiting for a baby boy from Guatamala, and got the phone call they have been waiting for last night. They have to wait for another phone call before they can go get him, but at least they know that he is theirs now. Please pray for them to get him soon. He is one week younger than Wyatt. I am so happy for them! And I know Adam is too, he just loved Jenna.
Love you all,
Adam's mom

Thursday, August 3, 2006 7:49 AM CDT

Hi Sweetboy,
I miss you so. Wyatt has been running a fever for the past couple days. I took him to the doctor yesterday, because it was 104.5. I figured that it was an ear infection, but they say that his ears are fine, but his throat is red. Please stay close to Jesus and watch over him for mama. You know how I worry. I pray all the time that God will keep the other kids safe, because I can't watch another child go through what you did. You were so strong and brave. I love and miss you so very much. Not one day goes by that I don't tell your dad how much I miss you. I love you Adam, Love, mama

Tuesday, July 25, 2006 11:43 AM CDT

Dearest Adam,
hey sweetboy,
Been thinking of you more than usual, (and that is alot). I am helping out at Hepburn VBS this week, and since that is our old church, and you loved that VBS I constantly think of you. I can still see your smiling face singing with the kids. I love you sweetie, so very much! I took Wyatt to your grave the other night, and I was letting him walk in the grass around your grave as I trimmed and guess what drew his eye? The plastic toy gun that Grandma Roberts put on there! He played with that thing the entire time. I guess I am going to have another boy that likes guns. He cried when I took it away. I bet you were smiling. I love you so much, Love, mama

Saturday, July 15, 2006 2:29 PM CDT

Hi all,
Doug's 2 week vacation is up now, so he will be going back to work on monday, and maybe just maybe I won't be solax in my updates. We got quite a bit done, though. We have been working on the house, and I stained the bunk beds that Doug and Adam made together in 2002. They are going to go in Wyatt's room. Adam would be so happy that Wyatt was sleeping in his bed. Although I do not see that happening anytime soon, since I still can't get him to sleep in his baby bed. Oh well, I am just glad he is finally sleeping through the night. Well I have to get going Josh is bugging me to go see something in his room. Love, Adam's mom

Saturday, July 1, 2006 1:47 PM CDT

Hi everyone,
I am sorry that once again, it has been forever, since I have been on here. Doug and I have went away for our anniversary, and I am on a high speed internet computer, it is so great! We have dial up, and it takes forever, but this is so fast! Anyway, we have been shopping all day, and now that we have run out of money, I decided to get on here, and update. I just received the St. Jude prizes yesterday, so I will get those out to everybody when I get back. Thanks again to all who participated in any way! We are always thinking of Adam, but here in Columbus, it is even worse. I miss him so. I was talking to one of the mothers the other day, and her son was diagnosed 6 mos after Adam, and relapsed before Adam. He had his bone marrow transplant in 96 or 97, I'm not sure. Anyway his transplant was successful, and he is still here, but his life is not easy he has a new side effect from the radiation almost every day. Please pray for Corey. Doug has next week off, and we are planning on working on the house and doing some things with the kids, so I probably won't be updating much. I love ya all,
Adam's mom

Monday, June 19, 2006 7:08 AM CDT

Hi all,
Do any of you watch "The Ghost Whisperer"? I watch it all the time. The one that was on last Friday, was a repeat of course, I had seen it before, but it still made me cry again. It was all so very true to life. The little boy got hit by a train, and he didn't know he was dead, so his mama had to tell him that it was alright to go into the light, that he would never be forgotten. I cried like a baby. I remember telling Adam to go into the light, and that he would never ever be forgotten. We had an alright weekend. We went to Doug's sister's for father's day, and she had a cookout for Doug's dad Bob. I felt bad for him, that first one without your child is the worst. Jason was like Adam, he loved the Cincinnatti Reds, Bob says he will never go to the stadium again. Wyatt got to swim in Deb's pool, (well I carried him around in there). He really liked it!

Monday, June 12, 2006 5:03 PM CDT

Hi everyone,
I am sorry that it has been so long since I updated. Sometimes it is just hard. I don't like to get on here and just be sad, and feel sorry for myself. I really try to be happy for the kids, but this website is for Adam, and it is sad not to be able to talk about how he is, to know what he is doing every moment. His friends are all growing up and having fun and he isn't here to do it with them. He would have just adored Wyatt! Speaking of Wyatt, he is gettting to be quite the little butterball let me tell you.I don't have to worry about doing my strength training as long as I am lifting him. Doug and Josh have 10 mowing jobs that they do 2 nights a week, and Johnathon is always gone, either with friends or working, so it is me and Wyatt alot, just like it was always me and Adam.
I am hoping to hear from St. Judes soon, about the t-shirts, I just saw where all the checks cleared, so hopefully I will get everyone's prizes soon. Love, Adam's mom

Monday, June 5, 2006 4:05 PM CDT

I love you Adam, Oh yes I do. I love you Adam and will be true, when your not here with me I'm blue, oh Adam I love you.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006 7:22 AM CDT

God Bless all of you who donated or walked for Adam on Saturday! I am once again in awe of how good people are! We raised just short of 2,500. for St. Judes! My goal was 500! Thankyou all so very, very much! Adam would be so very proud! Thanks to the Lord for giving us such a beautiful day to do it. The whole weekend we we were blessed with beautiful weather. Doug and the boys and I went to the zoo on Sunday to celebrate Adam's birthday, went to my neices graduation party, and then went to Adam's grave to let off the green balloons. Then yesterday we went to the parade to see Josh ride the mini-bike with my niece Nichele in the side car, and see Johnathon in the band. Then we came home for Wyatt's birthday party! It was a good time although I missed my Adam through it all. It is hard to believe that he would be 14. Thanks again to all of you! We love ya.
Holly, Doug and boys

Dear Adam,
I love you and miss you so very much sweetboy! I wish I could see what you would look like now, how tall you would be, if your hair would have stayed blonde or darkened up. Would you have stayed in band and gone to Cedar Point today with Brady? I miss you! Love, mama

Tuesday, May 23, 2006 3:04 PM CDT

Hi all,
sorry, it's been awhile, I have been trying to get some things done around here, trying to get things ready for the walk, Wyatt's party, and wean Wyatt from nursing. The latter isn't going so well! I give into him after he screams for 45 minutes straight! I know that isn't good, but oh well! He is going to have an all Elmo party. He likes Elmo's voice, he is the only thing on t.v. he will watch for more than 2 seconds. Thanks KIM AND LINDA FOR YOUR MOST GENEROUS DONATIONS! I AM HOPING FOR GOOD WEATHER ON SATURDAY. THANKS TO ALL FOR THE BIRTHDAY WISHES FOR ADAM. LOVE, HOLLY

Thursday, May 18, 2006 5:43 AM CDT

Hi all,

Thankyou all so much, for being so supportive of the walk. I have already met half my goal for the St. Jude kids. You never know until you go through it, how tough it truly is. These kids are so brave and courageous. Not one day goes by, that I don't tell Doug at least 5 times, " I miss Adam". He brought so much joy to my life. I took Wyatt to Columbus on Tuesday, just so I could feel close to Adam on the drive. We spent alot of time together on those roads, and that is where I always feel him the most. I went to alot of the stores we used to go to after his clinic appointments. I miss him so much. I am thinking of going to the compassionate friends convention in July. It is July 13th-16th. It is in Dearborn Michigan, and I will have to take Wyatt with me, because Doug has to work, but I think I really need to be with others who have lost their children. No one truly understands unless they've been through it. If it wasn't for this website and you faithful people who still visit it, I would have gone insane these last 2 years. Well wyatt is up, I have to go

Monday, May 15, 2006 1:42 PM CDT

Hi all,
I have to make this quick, because lately every time I get on here, Wyatt gets into my plants that I got for Adam's funeral! I don't have a green thumb anyway, so I have already lost alot of them, they don't need him helping them along! Yes I had as nice a mothers day as possible without all my kids. Doug and the boys took me to my favorite breakfast place, "Denny's, and then for lunch, doug grilled out for me. He's an angel! Of course it is always bittersweet without Adam, and Mel had her first mothers day without Jason, I felt so bad for her. I would not wish this pain on anyone else in the world. Well you know who is into you know what!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, May 8, 2006 6:23 AM CDT

hi everybody,

i want to thank all of you who have agreed yo walk for Adam, that means so much to all of us! Josh does not understand why he can't show his love for Adam by riding his bike intead of walking. I have such lazy children! Speaking of Josh, he is home sick with the flu today.I hope Wyatt and Johnathon do not get it, that stuff is wicked! I can't believe, that in just 20 days, Adam would be 14! I can still remember him telling me the day we found out that he was dying, that he wanted to be 12. Poor thing! I miss him so very much! I don't think it is a coincidence that Wyatt was born on May 30th. I think it was a sign from Adam and God, that he is still with us. Thanks to all of you who still get on here and remember him with us. Love, Holly

Monday, May 1, 2006 5:57 AM CDT

Hi sweetboy,
I miss you so very much. Not one hour of one day goes by without me thinking of you at least 10 times. And you were afraid that we would forget you. Silly!!!!! Dad and I both had the flu this week, and all we could think about as we laid in bed and whined, was you and how many times you vomited in your life and how many times you could tell that you felt absolutely terrible, but you would always say, "I'm fine". You are such a brave, strong, young man. We love and miss you so much! You are our hero.

Walk-a-thon news,

As I said before, the walk will be at 10a.m. at the kenton fairgrounds on the 27th. We will be meeting at the gazebo, and then walking however many laps you have committed yourself to around the grounds or the time limit you have decided on. I will have water and refreshments for everyone. I have been asked why I would do this for St. Judes, and not for Children's, when Children's is where Adam went. The reason I chose St. Judes, is because no child is ever turned away because of money, and that is not the case with Children's. One of Adam's little buddies died because they would not give him a bone marrow transplant, because his mom didn't have insurance. I am going to be distributing more flyers today and more walk papers, if you know anyone who wants to walk and needs papers let me know. Thanks to everyone, Adam's mom

Friday, April 21, 2006 9:17 AM CDT

Thanks Kim for writing in the guestbook! There haven't been alot of entries lately. Wyatt is sleeping, so I have a quick moment to get on here. I am excited about the walk. I hope that we can get some kids to walk, Adam would love that. Josh is trying to get some of his friends to do it, and I am trying to talk Johnathon into asking his girlfriend. The more money that we can raise for these kids the better. You don't realize how devestating a disease like that is to a child unless you have lived it. The chemo causes learning disabilities, and other complications, that you don't even think of. I pray for these kids and their families every day and their families. We were so blessed, we had so many caring, thoughtful people in our corner, but alot of people do not have that. I think of my brave sweet boy every day, (there's more time that I am thinking of him than not, if truth be told). My mother-in-law told me the other day, that she was sorry for not doing enough to comfort us when Adam died. She said that she thought she understood what we were going through, because he was her grandchild, but she didn't realize until she lost Jason, how devestating losing a child is. I am not saying this to make you feel sorry for me,but to point out how very precious our children are! They are a very pricelesss gift from God, and he can take them back at any time. Show them each and every day how much you love them!
I have to go, the boss is up!
love,Adam's mom

Tuesday, April 18, 2006 5:48 AM CDT

hi everyone,

I hope that you all had a blessed Easter! I never appreciated Jesus dying on the cross for us as much as I do now. Now I thank him all the time for the gift of eternal life, it is the only thing that gives me hope! Someday I will see adam again and I will thank Jesus face to face for the price he paid so that we could have this privelidge. P lease continue to pray for Bob and Mel. Every day is a struggle to get through, when you have lost a child,but the holidays are even worse. They had a rough Easter. I myself still do not like to go around family for holidays. It just isn't the same, when you don't have everyone in your family there. I took Josh and Wyatt to the zoo yesterday, and we had a good day. Wyatt loves fish, so he liked the auquatic building. I took him on the carousel, and at first he liked it, but then he got scared, and I think I still have the marks from his nails in my neck. My second cousin's little girl who is nine was diagnosed with leukemia, I do not know her name, but please keep her in your prayers. Thanks to all who still get on here and leave me messages, I really appreciate it. Love Adam's mom

Monday, April 10, 2006 4:48 PM CDT

hi all,

Okay, here is the news! I got the kit for the walk and the date is the 27th at 10a.m. at the Hardin County fair grounds. I have the sponsor papers,so if anyone wants to walk I will get you one. Gretchen I just need your address so I can send it to you. I really appreciate you volunteering to walk. I am hoping to raise $500. for the kids at St. Judes. Thanks again to the great response that I have had to this. When Adam was sick, there was one verse that popped out to me every time I opened my bible, and it was this " it is not the will of your father in heaven that one of these little ones should perish". I still believe that. Jennifer thankyou for the poems, I had never heard the Jellybean one, that was just perfect! The other one was read at Adam's funeral. Love to all,
Holly

Wednesday, April 5, 2006 6:47 AM CDT

Hi again,

I have been trying to post Wyatt's new picture with the Easter bunny on here, but I am having problems. It keeps telling me that it is the wrong file type and it isn't. Anyway I will keep trying. Every time I take him to Walmart, there is a cashier there that knows us, and she always tells me how much he looks like Adam. He is starting to get a little chunky, and that makes him look more like Adam, because he was a little porker. I see some Josh too, but he has Adam' beautiful blue eyes. I am thinking of starting back to college this summer, since my dad quit his job, and can watch Wyatt. I don't trust the boys, they would not know what to do in an emergency.Besides that, when they get to watching tv they forget about him. Well wyatt is wanting fed I have to go.
love, adams mom

Tuesday, April 4, 2006 9:43 AM CDT

Hi all,

Well I finally got in contact with St. Jude again, and they said that they would send me the walk a thon packet soon. They sent me the wrong packet the first time. Hopefully I will get it soon. I got Wyatt's picture taken with the Easter bunny the other day, and he was scared of him. I think he is just going through a stage, because he wasn't scared of Santa. Or maybe it is because Santa still looked like a human. I don't know. He is definitely going through seperation anxiety. Johnathon is back safely, thank God, and Josh is still his normal ornery self. I had a nice dream of Adam the other day, If only I didn't have to wake up! love, Holly

Wednesday, March 29, 2006 8:42 AM CST

Hi all,
Sorry I haven't written in awhile, I just have been trying to get some spring cleaning done. I do not have anything new to report on the walkathon yet, I will let you know when I do. Johnathon is in Florida with the band,they left on Sunday. I hate to say it, but we needed this break from one another. I love that shirt, that says now that I have a teenager I know why some animals eat their young. That about sums it up. I look at him sometimes, and wonder where that sweet boy is that used to love me. I hope it gets better! Josh is enjoying it too, as he gets extra money for doing his and Johnathon's chores. Wyatt will turn 10 months tomorrow. It does not seem possible. Sometimes I am amazed that my life is so different than it was 2 years ago. I miss Adam so very much. Last night for some reason the night before he died kept replaying in my mind. It is so unfair that children must suffer like he did, that is why this walk is so important to me. I would love to see the day when there is no more childhood cancer.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006 11:37 AM CST

THANKS FOR ALL THE GREAT RESPONSE TO THE WALK-A-THON! I WAS ABLE TO GET THE FAIRGROUNDS FOR THE 27TH. I HAVEN'T DECIDED ON A TIME YET, I WILL LET YOU KNOW ON THAT. I DO KNOW IT WILL EITHER BE 10AM OR 12PM. MY NEICE IS GRADUATING THAT DAY, AND SHE WANTS TO WALK.AGAIN THANKS FOR ALL THE ONES OF YOU WHO HAVE SAID YOU WOULD LIKE TO WALK. I WILL LET YOU ALL KNOW MORE WHEN I KNOW MORE. LOVE, ADAM'S MOM

Monday, March 20, 2006 5:12 PM CST

Hi again,

I got in contact with St. Judes and they are sending me a packet for the walkathon. I still have not received it. I am planning to have it on the 27th which is a Saturday. We are going to make Adam T-shirts and I will have refreshments. I am calling some places to see if we can have the walk there, I am hoping for the fairgrounds. Thanks to all of you who are interested that means the world to us. It just doesn't feel right not to do something on his birthday. Love, Holly

Thursday, March 16, 2006 4:01 PM CST

Hi everybody!

I am trying to get a fundraising walk together in Adam's memory, to benefit St. Judes. It will be on Adam's birthday. I wanted to do something in his memory on that day which is a Sunday this year, and I thought that he would like it that the money go to other kids with cancer. I will let you know more when I know more. Please let me know if you are interested. Love, Adam's mom

Wednesday, March 15, 2006 11:30 AM CST

Dear sweet Adam,
you have been on my mind even more than usual lately. No matter where I go, what I do, I always think of you. I just got done watching a show on TV called "A Walk To Remember". Oh my gosh, I shouldn't have watched that one. I just thought it was a love story, I had no idea the girl had leukemia. I balled my eyes out. Then there is this health source that they keep showing on CBS about a little boy named Logan at Children's Hospital. He just had a BMT, and he looks so much like you did when you were on the cyclosporin and dexamethazone. It just brings it all back. I pray for that little boy all the time now, as I do all the kids with cancer. It is just not right that you kids have to suffer like that. I am so glad that you are free of pain, but I miss you to the moon and back. Love, mama

Thursday, March 9, 2006 5:44 AM CST

Hi all,
Not much to say around here. It has been pretty quiet. I got Adam's grave all decorated for St. Patricks day. Adam loved green you know? I have a picture of him in this silly St. Patricks day hat that his card angel Pam got him. He was such a sweetie. Not a day goes by that I don't long to touch his hair, hear his voice. Sometimes when Josh makes certain faces he looks like him. The boys and I watched the new Harry Potter last night, and that part where Sedrick dies and his father is crying over his body about does me in. Well that is all for now. Thanks for still getting on here and remembering Adam with me. Love, Holly

Monday, March 6, 2006 9:52 AM CST

hi sweetboy,
I'm sitting here, cleaning out the computer desk, listening to Kenny Chesney, chasing Wyatt and thinking of you. i am going through the CDs trying to put them in some kind of order, and I keep finding ones that you got in transplant and how we used to play them on your laptop. How much time did we spend in a hospital bed you and I? All that time not being able to touch you without gloves, not being able to kiss you, what a waste of precious time. I don't regret the time we spent on the computer playing though, or the movie theatres we had in those hospital rooms. We would snuggle and eat cheeto's. I can still remember your ornery smile, as you put on your "butt inspection gloves" asyou called them. i miss you so much punkin! I love you more than all the jellybeans in the whole wide world! love, mama

Thursday, March 2, 2006 5:38 AM CST

I will not forget you
little angel, precious child
I think about you every day
the way you shared your smile
I think about the happy times and not about the sad
And I treasure every memory
of the special times we had

I'm leaning on God's promise
that someday we will be
together again in heaven
where the best is yet to be

Wednesday, March 1, 2006 7:18 AM CST

Hi sweetheart,
this is the third time I have tried to post an entry, I hope this one works. I am putting Wyatt's new pictures on here, so people can see how much that he has grown. He is getting so big. He reminds me alot of you. He sucks his bottom lip in just like you used to. I had bad dreams of you last night, please send me some good ones, where you are not sick. I love you so much, and miss you so much. I told Grandma and Grandpa last night, that I don't think I will ever be able to take Wyatt to Chuckee Cheese. You loved that place so much, and the last time we were there, you couldn't do anything. I hate what you had to go through. I love you punkin.
I hear Kenny Chesney's song "Where you'd be today and I always think of you. love, mama

Thursday, February 23, 2006 7:28 AM CST

Hi sweetboy!

Your brother finally got a tooth! I was beginning to think that he was never going to get one. You were 4 months when you got your first tooth, and the other boys were 7 months, he will be nine months next week. He is crawling everywhere! I am chasing him through the house, are you laughing at me? I love you so much sweetheart, and I miss our special times together. You were my buddy. Please help me to feel your presence and tell Jason that I said hello. Love ya both, Mama

Friday, February 17, 2006 7:31 AM CST

Hey sweetboy,
I can't stay on here long, because Wyatt just found your dad's CD-roms, and is playing with them. He also has a familiar smell coming from him. I just wanted you to know that I love you and miss you Oh so much! Yeah for Abbie Dunn! She is having her last Chemo today bud.Will you talk to Jesus for us, and make sure this truly is her last encounter with the ugly C word. Love, ya mom

Tuesday, February 14, 2006 9:41 AM CST

Happy Valentines Day Adam!

Mom and Dad love and miss you so much! Did you see both the bears that we put on your grave? I hope you saw the first one before it got stolen. I was so mad. That is pretty low for someone to take all your valentine stuff. Oh well they'll have to answer for it someday. Have you seen your little brother? He is crawling everywhere! I need a cage. He is over in the corner right now where his toys are. He pretty much goes wherever he wants. He reminds me alot of you, with Josh's temper. We just got his pictures taken the other day, and I can't wait to see them. Are you and Uncle Jason having fun? I hope so. Tell him that I'm mad at him, cause I was supposed to see ya first. I'm not really mad at him, I am just extremely sad that Bob and Mel have to go through this torture that dad and I go through, living without their child. I love ya sweetie, more than all the jellybeans in the whole wide world! Love, mama

Wednesday, February 8, 2006 2:39 PM CST

Hi everyone,
I am sorry that it has been this long, but as some of you already know, Doug's youngest brother Jason was killed in a car wreck Thursday night, and so we have been shocked and shattered by this new loss. Please pray for the whole family, but especially Bob and Mel. Thankyou for the cards and messages on here, they mean the world to us. He is with Adam now. Love, Adam's mom

Thursday, February 2, 2006 5:40 AM CST

hello everyone,

i have wyatt on my lap, so i do not know how long this will be. he is going through a stage right now where he has to be with me at all times. it is hard to get anything done, but there will soon be a time when he does not want to beheld, so i am not complaining. we all have been pretty good health wise, thank God! I miss Adam desperately, and have come to the realization, that I will never be the same person that i was before. i just can't explain how hard it is to live without your child. I try hard to get rid of the bitterness, but it is still there.

Sunday, January 22, 2006 1:50 PM CST

Dearest Adam,

Hey sweetboy! what ya up to? Are ya having fun with Jesus, and the other children up there? I hope so. I am so glad that you are free of all the pain now, even though I miss you so much! I see some of the kids from your class now and then, and I wonder how tall you would be, if you would still have the same interests. I wonder what your life would have been like, if you had never been struck with cancer. You taught me so much in your short time on this earth, and you are still teaching me now, as I try to live without you. I realize more than ever, that I must live the kind of life that Jesus wants me to live if I ever want to see you again, that I must forgive to be forgiven. That is hard for me, because I remember every unkind thing done to you and said about you, and I pray every day for God to change my heart. You were so forgiving! I am striving to be more like you. I will never be that good though! I have been trying to get on the treadmill when Wyatt will allow it, because I want to do the 15k walk this summer for the Leukemia society. I want to do it in your memory bud! I hope that I can talk Diana into doing it with me(hint, hint). So look down on me sweetie and give your mama strength to be able to do it! I love you more than all the jellybeans in the world! Love, mama

Friday, January 13, 2006 6:44 AM CST

I found this poem today,and it reminded me so much of Adam and the way he looked at life.

I know not what awaits me

I know not what awaits me,
God kindly veils my eyes
and ore each step of my onward way,
He makes new scenes to rise
And every joy he sends me,
Comes a sweet and glad surprise.

Where he may lead I'll follow
My trust in him repose
And every hour in perfect peace
I'll sing "He knows He knows"

one step I see before me
tis all I need to see
The light of Heaven more brightly shines,
When earths illusions flee.
And sweetly throught the silence comes
His loving "trust in me'

oh blissful lack of wisdom
tis blessed not to know
He holds me with his own right hand
anld will not let me go
and lulls my troubled soul to rest
in him who loves me so

So on I go not knowing
I would not if I might
I'd rather walk in the dark with God.
Then go alone in the light
I'd rather walk by faith with him,
Than go alone by sight.
PHILIP PAUL BLISS

Thursday, January 12, 2006 3:49 AM CST

hi everyone,

here i am again, can't sleep, thinking about Adam. I know you are all sick of hearing this, but i miss him so much. i was watching a show yesterday, about dean Martin, and Jerry Lewis said that he died 8 years before he actually died, that he died the night his son died. That hit the nail right on the head for me. that is exactly how i feel. heaven knows that i love my other children, and wyatt has brought us so much joy, but i have not felt really alive since adam left me. My dad told me the other day that "that boy wasn't just my grandson, he was my best friend". you will not believe how many of us felt that way. He was an incredible young man!Adam if you are listening sweetie, i am so proud to have you for my son! I love you!

Monday, January 9, 2006 1:01 PM CST

hi all,

sorry that it has taken me so long to get back on here, but wyatt has been sick. Today is the first day that he has acted like himself for over a week, he had some stomach virus. thank God he is on the mend! he is on my lap though, so that is why my capitals are not all there.
doug and i have sure been missing Adam.he has been heavy on our minds. I saw a little girl in our neighborhood the other day, that has cancer.She was in walmart with her dad,and i wanted to go up and hug her so badly.I will never understand it asong as i live.pleaseray for all these children. thankyou, adam's mom

Sunday, January 1, 2006 4:48 PM CST

Hi everyone,
thanks to those of you who left messages. I hope that all of you have a happy new year. New Years doesn't really mean that much to me anymore. It is just another year closer to Adam that's how I have to look at it. We were really blessed in 2005 to have been blessed with Wyatt, and believe me I thank God for him almost every day. As I do my other children. He is a miracle from God that's for sure.The boys had friends over last night, and the 2 youngest ones stayed up later than the older ones.
Wyatt and I went to bed at 8:00.He is teething, and has been waking me up every 2 hrs. so I am bushed by then. Well that is all for now Love, Adam's mom.

I miss you Adam, so much it hurts! I love you, more than all the jellybeans in the whole wide world! Love, mama

Sunday, December 25, 2005 4:12 AM CST

Merry Christmas! My sweet angel!

Mama and dad love you so very much! I hope that you know and see how very much we love and miss you. Nothing is the same without you, we are just going through the motions! Did you see Brady last night at the Christmas Eve service? If you did I am sure that you were proud of him. I could see you right up there beside him smiling. You always loved to do Christmas plays and things like that. Anything for Jesus! I love you so much punkin. I was trying to picture how tall you would be. Have a great time with Jesus and all the other kids up there! I love you so much! mama

Thursday, December 22, 2005 3:33 AM CST

Hey sweetboy,
did you get your balloons last night? The candle thing was a flop, except everyone now has a candle with your name on it, but they would not stay lit. But the balloons went well. Josh said that he saw them form an A as they blew away. It was as if you were there with us. The balloons danced for a long time before they blew away. Thanks to the Grandma's and Grandpa's for coming! We appreciate it so much! Well I had better get off of here, because I have to go make an Australian spongecake for Josh. He chose to wait until last night to tell me that it was due today. You don't know how tempted I was to go to the store and by a spongecake, and write australia on it. I know, I know, that would be cheating! I love ya more than all the jellybeans in the whole wide world! Love, mama

Wednesday, December 21, 2005 5:24 AM CST

My dearest Adam,
I love you and miss you so much, my little man! Not that this day hurts anymore than any other, because it really doesn't, they all are painful. You just get used to it. The only thing is it brings back your last morning vividly in my head. The doctors coming into your hospital room woke me up, my eyes flew to you, and you were lying there gurgling. I jumped up and went to you, and you said "I don't feel good". The gurgling stopped thank God and they told me how your vital signs kept going down and wanted to know if we wanted them to do anything to keep you alive. Daddy and I sent them out and I looked into his eyes and told him we had to let you go. You had suffered enough. We prayed for a peaceful passing and the nurse gave you pain medication every time I nodded my head, although you did not seem to be in much pain thank God. They told us that you were gone, and Daddy brought you to me to hold, and you moved 3 times while I was singing to you, the doctor listened to you, and said that your heart was just barely beating. Then I felt you leave me. It was as if someone ripped out my heart! You were gone, and I have been wishing ever since that I could be with you! I love you so much Adam! More than all the jellybeans in the whole wide world. I try every day to be half the person that you were. But I don't even come close!

Tuesday, December 20, 2005 5:40 AM CST

Hi everyone,
I don't know if I will get on here tomorrow, so I thought I would update today. As you know tomorrow is D-day, so Doug will be taking off so we can spend the day together and do things that Adam liked to do. Please remember him by lighting a candle for him. Doug and I are going to his grave to do that. Thank all of you so much for still getting on here! We appreciate it so very much. I have learned so much from Adam's death. I will never again be too busy for my family and friends! That is one of my biggest pet peeves now. Take five minutes to tell someone that you love them. Nothing is so important that it can't wait 5 more minutes! When your kids ask you to play with them, stop cleaning and just do it. Believe me that is a hard one for me, but you do not know how I regret the times I told Adam no, I could not play with him right now. Do you know what I would do to have those times back? Cherish your children! Act like a kid. I had people looking at me and Johnathon like we were nuts the other day, because we were chasing each other through the grocery store! Oh well, hopefully when I am gone he will remember that, and not all the times that I yell at him!
I don't mean to preach, but I know what it is like to wake up one day and your life is forever changed, and there is no way to turn back the clock, and make up for things you did or didn't do. Don't make my mistakes! love, Adam's mom

Friday, December 16, 2005 5:32 PM CST

Hi all,
Wow, Doug and I had a good day today. He took the day off, and we went Christmas shopping at the Tuttle mall, and we sure felt Adam with us!Adam loved the Tuttle mall! When we would go to the clinic, we would stop there sometimes. There was a sports shop, he just loved, not to mention the pretzels and the ice cream! We wanted to go there to make Wyatt a build a bear from some of the money that Adam had in his wallet when he went to Heaven. That way we can put it under the tree, and say it is from Adam, and it really is. Well anyway, I had my mind set on exactly which Cincinatti Reds outfit I wanted the bear to have on. Amy and I had went last summer, and they had like 3 or four different Reds outfits. That is when I got the idea. Anyway we went in and picked out the bear, and asked the lady if they had any Reds outfits anymore, since it wasn't baseball season, and she said no. I was disappointed, but Doug had said that we would just get him an Ohio State uniform if they didn't, well guess what? Ohio State doesn't sponsor build a bear, so they didn't have any. Again I was disappointed, but I thought oh well we will just have to get him a Cleveland Indians outfit. We had just got done stuffing the bear, and sticking a sound in him(it plays take me out to the ballgame), when a lady came in from the back, and said she had found one Cincinatti Reds outfit! Guess which one it was? The very one I had wanted the one that looks like the Reds shirt that Adam had on in his last school picture. Thanks God and Adam! You made our day, because we knew that you were with us. Then we got to make him a birth certificate, and we named him Dusty, because that was Adam's favorite dog that went through all his surgeries with him, and was ultimately buried with him. At the end of the birth certificate, it says stuffed with love from brother Adam!
Love to all,
Adam's mom

Wednesday, December 14, 2005 10:18 AM CST

Hi everyone,
Why is it that every lightbulb and battery in your house go bad at the same time? I am sick of replacing bulbs and batteries. All in the same week, Wyatt's mobile, swing, bounder and his favorite toy went dead. And of course they are all different kind of batteries. Our bulb in our kitchen, hallway, bathroom and living room went out too. Geez! Doug and I bought some new bulbs that are supposed to last 5 years, we'll see. My mom has this week off, so she came yesterday and watched Wyatt, while I made Buckeyes, Adam's favorite. I finally got his grave decorated. It is so hard to find things that are childlike to put on a grave. well I am sorry to have to cut this short, but Wyatt calls. love, Adam's mom

Thursday, December 8, 2005 6:18 AM CST

hi all,
Thankyou all so much for still getting on here and remembering Adam with me. It means so much. Besides my friends Amy and Diana and my husband and of course my mom and dad, this website is the only place that I feel free to express my feelings of Adam. Thankyou so much Jamie for making the ribbon for Adam and posting it for me, that was so very nice of you, and he would love it! I have come to know so many great people from this website and the memory.com one. I hear from people all the time, telling me that Adam's story inspires them. I think that is wonderful! Adam was a very faithful servant of the Lord, and such a testimony of God's greatness, I feel privelidged just to have known him, let alone to be his mother. Josh had strep this week, and I have been fighting migraines, so that is why I did not post sooner, sorry. I will try to do better. This time of year, I am just trying to keep busy so that I don't think too much. I am getting ready to start my holliday baking. I didn't do it at all last year, and the boys missed it. I know that Adam would not want me to stop these traditions. He loved to make cookies and candy, as a matter of fact he helped me make my last batch of hard tack, he picked watermelon flavoring. I can't bake anything without thinking of him. I think he would have made a fine chef. Well that is all for now, Love, Adam's mom.

Friday, December 2, 2005 4:32 AM CST

Adam,
yesterday was your day. I miss you so much my sweet boy! Not a minute goes by that you are not constantly in my thoughts. I can not wait until the day when I can see you, touch you again. I strain every day to remember the way you looked when you woke up in the morning the way you looked when you walked into a room. I hate the way memories dim over time. Some things I remember vividly though, your shy handsome little smile, the way you never failed to get toothpaste on your shirt when you brushed your teeth, how you always came out dressed nice with your hair combed and gelled and I always had to yell at the other 2 to comb their hair and put on decent clothes. I think you were just so thankful to have hair after losing it 3 times. The way you would dip your cookies in grandma's coffee. There are so many things that were just "Adam". I love you sweetboy! more than all the jellybeans in the whole wide world. P.S. Wyatt has your smile! Love, mama

Thanks to those of you who left messages! I check this site every day for messages even though I don't always have new entries. Love, HOlly

Tuesday, November 29, 2005 7:40 AM CST

Hi all,
Just 2 more days until it is Adam Kindell day! I miss him so much! I know I say that alot, but I can't not say it. He is forever in my heart and on my mind. Last night was Josh's Christmas program, and he did a really good job. I couldn't help thinking of Adam at his last Christmas program, which unfortunately was in the 2nd grade. He was never able to go to the other ones. He hadn't even been able to go to all the practices, because of Dr. appointments, but he did just as good if not better than the other kids. We were so proud. We still are! Love to all! Adam's mom

Wednesday, November 23, 2005 1:39 PM CST

What am I thankful for?

I am very thankful for the 11 and a half years that I had with Adam.
I am thankful that God blessed me enough to be his mama.
I am thankful for my wonderful husband who supports me in all areas of my life.
I am thankful for my other 3 children that God has blessed me with.
I am extremely thankful for my Savior Jesus Christ, who died on the cross that I might live, and to give me the promise of eternal life, so I can see him and Adam someday.
I am thankful for Doug's job.

And last but not least I am thankful for all the wonderful people that still get on here and share my son with me, therefore keeping him alive forever!

Have a blessed Thanksgiving!
Love in Christ,
Holly

Tuesday, November 15, 2005 7:43 AM CST

Hi sweetboy,

We put up the Christmas tree Sunday. It was very hard since I hadn't put it up since I did it with you. Last year we just bought a little table top tree, since I didn't want to go through your ornaments. Josh asked me if we could do it though, so we did. Floods of memories came back to me putting up that tree. I remember how that last year we put it up early, because we did not know how long you were going to be with us, and I asked you to come into the living room with us and help us, but you were too tired, and didn't feel well. We hadn't been out there very long, before daddy came wheeling you in, because you had changed your mind and wanted to help. You couldn't do much, because you couldn't see very well, but you didn't let that stop you. You just told Josh to hand you the branches so that you could fluff them out before we put them on. I remember you singing Frosty the Snowman. Oh Adam we can learn so much from you and your attitude. You just kept on being your same sweet self, right up to the end. Even when you felt like crap, you had a great attitude. I love you so much! Thankyou so much for the signs that you gave me on Sunday. I was getting down the tree from the attic, and I had literaly just said to Josh that I missed you so much, and I looked down at the box that holds the Christmas ornaments, and guess what it said? Adam's imports. Every single box with the Christmas stuff in it was stamped Adam's imports. I don't remember ever noticing that before. Then when I was digging through one of the boxes I found your favorite Ohio State Jersey. I do not know how it got in there, I put all your clothes away the day after your funeral, and they are all in storage out in the garage, but there it was. Thank you so much sweetboy! I really felt you telling me that you were there with us, even though we could not see you. Then Johnathon came in and told us that " The Grinch" was on, so we went in daddy and my bedroom and watched that. I told the boys that if you were there you wouldn't have been with us watching the Grinch, but in the living room with daddy watching Stephen Segal. They agreed. Love, ya punkin, mama

Friday, November 11, 2005 9:37 AM CST

hi sweetboy,

I JUST FINISHED READING THE CRIPPLED LAMB BY MAX LUCADO TO WYATT. DO YOU REMEMBER THAT BOOK? GRANDMA MEL GOT IT FOR YOU, BECAUSE YOU FELT SO DIFFERENT THAN OTHER KIDS. I REMEMBER READING IT TO YOU, AND EMPHASIZING THE PARTS WHEN ABIGAIL SAYS "GOD HAS A SPECIAL PLACE FOR YOU". i JUST NEVER KNEW THAT PLACE WOULD BE HEAVEN, NOT SO SOON ANY WAY. I MISS YOU, SWEETIE, LOVE, MAMA

Tuesday, November 8, 2005 12:53 AM CST

hi babe,
I sure have been thinking of you alot. I always think of you, but November is hard, because twof your relapses happened in Nov. and Nov. 5th is when we found out we were going to lose you. Needless to say, I hate this month. I miss you so much adam. love, mama

Thursday, November 3, 2005 4:33 AM CST

Hi sweetboy,
I LEFT WYATT ASLEEP IN MY BED, TO COME IN HERE AND WRITE ON THIS, AND I HAD NO LONGER SAT DOWN THAN I HEARD HIM JABBERING. HE IS ALWAYS IN SUCH A GREAT MOOD IN THE MORNINGS./ I WENT IN TO GET HIM, AND HE WAS SMILING FROM EAR TO EAR.HE HAD A PAIR OF JEANS ON LAST NIGHT, AND DADDY SAID THAT HE WAS GETTING TO BE QUITE A LITTLE CHUNK! OH ADAM, YOU WOULD JUST ADORE HIM! YOU NEVER COULD WALK BY A BABY WITHOUT TALKING TO IT OR TOUCHING IT. JOSHUA IS HOMR TODAY AND TOMORROW BECAUSE OF PARENT TEACHER CONFERENCES. JOHNATHON JUST STARTED WORKING AT MCDONALDS ON TUESDAY, SO FAR HE HAS JUST BEEN ON FRENCH FRIES, BUT HE WILL BE MAKING THE HAMBURGERS THAT YOU LOVED SOON. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH SWEEETIE, MORE THAN YOU WILL EVER KNOW. I HEAR YOU WHEN YOU TALK TO ME, BUT DADDY DOESN'T. HE TOLD ME LAST NIGHT, THAT HE HAS BEEN LISTENING TO A RADIO TALK SHOW EVERY DAY, ABOUT WHY SOME PEOPLE CAN COMMUNICATE WITH THE DEAD AND SOME CANNOT. HE SAID THAT I CAN HEAR YOU WHEN YOU TELL ME THINGS, BECAUSE I OPEN MYSELF UP TO YOU. I GOT TO TELL YOU THAT I NEVER BELIEVED IN THAT STUFF BEFORE, BUT I DO NOW.I LEAVE MYSELF WIDE OPEN FOR YOU ADAM, BECAUSE I AM SO TERRIBLY LOST WITHOUT YOU. I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ALL THE JELLYBEANS, MAMA

Monday, October 31, 2005 8:19 AM CST

This picture of Adam looks so much like Wyatt! Adam was a chunky baby, because he was formula fed from about 2 months on where is Wyatt is thinner because he is nursed, but they still look alot alike. It is funny, because I can see my brother Randy in him also and Josh. And then there are sometimes I look at him, and he just looks like Wyatt and nobody else. He is so spoiled. He has started coughing now just to get attention! I can't believe that he is doing that so young. I have got him in his bed right now trying to get him to sleep, because he is into fighting his sleep and I had just lost my patience. I can hear him in there jabbering away, watching his mobile, I think sleep is the last thing on his mind. I have been working on a poem to put in the paper on Dec. 21st as a memorial to Adam. It is going rather slow. There are just no words to describe how much Doug and I miss him. Well Wyatt is no longer jabbering, he is now crying, I had better go. Love, Adam's mom

Friday, October 28, 2005 9:14 AM CDT

HI guys,
My little turtle is sleeping, I have been to Kenton twice already, and I have a load of laundry in the dryer, the dog has been fed, watered and let out, My dishes are done. I am doing good today!!!!!! Oh yeah and I got groceries. I am on a roll! Trick or Treat went well last night, of course there is always an emptiness without Adam. I always think about what he would say and what he would do in every situation. Wyatt looked so cute in his turtle costume! Doug took a picture, and I will try to get it on here soon. Oh wait that is wrong, Josh took the picture. He went as Igore. I always hate it when they grow up, and don't want to wear the cute outfits anymore, but the scary ones. He wanted to be the grim reaper though, and I put my foot down. We have seen enough of that guy for one lifetime. Johnathon was in the Halloween parade with the band,so he did not come down to my mom's I was afraid to let him drive around all the little trick or treaters. I don't even like to drive with them darting here and there. I now know why I do not care for animals! A dog pooped on Adam's headstone! Aren't they supposed to squat? It isn't like he has a flat headstone, he has one that stands up, but somehow the dog was able to relieve himself on the bottom edge. If I was a cussing woman, I would have let out a string of them, let me tell you! Stupid Dog!
Well that is all for now, thanks for still getting on here and sharing my boy with me. Love, Adam's mom

Wednesday, October 26, 2005 7:34 AM CDT

Hi all,
I am going to ask you all for a favor. Please keep all the cancer kids and their families in your prayers tonight. Cancer effects everyone in the family, not just those who have it. There are alot of little kids, who will not get to go trick or treating tomorrow night, because of low counts and sickness due to treatment. There are alot of parents who will not get to see the excitement on their children's faces as they dress up like their favorite character. So many years Adam and I sat at home alone while the others went out. It seems like a little thing, but it's really not. Please remember these families in your prayers, and please pray that someday soon, there will be no childhood cancers! Love, Adam's mom

Monday, October 24, 2005 11:10 AM CDT

Hi there sweetboy,

Did you see your brother Josh yesterday? He caught a pass. Stole the ball from the other team, and made 5 tackles! I don't like football, but it was quite exciting! The coaches told daddy and I that he has come a long way. They said that once he latches on to someone, they aren't getting through! Daddy told them that he had you and Johnathon to thank for his meanness. I can still remember him running down the hallway when he was two, to play with you guys, and you slamming the door in his face! Well he learned to be tough alright! I told grandpa Bob, that I could just see you there cheering him on. Well I have to go now, I have chicken to make. Jennifer I will be praying for your sister- in-law.
Love, Adam's mom

Thursday, October 20, 2005 11:31 AM CDT

Hi all,
Wyatt is sleeping in his swing, so I thought I would take advantage of it. Today is such a dreary day, it is rainy and cold. Yesterday I spent most of the day shampooing carpets, as Mr. Wyatt is trying to crawl. I have never had an animal in my house, when any of my kids were babies, and I wouldn't now if Gabby was not Adam's. So I guess I will just have to get used to shampooing the carpets more often. And wouldn't you know it, the day after I clean the carpets it rains, and now I have to spend about 10 minutes cleaning Gabby's paws before I let her in. Adam you had better appreciate this boy! I love and miss you so much punkin. You would love the costume that I bought for Wyatt for Halloween. It is a turtle. I still remember how Grandma took you boys to see Master of Disguise, and how daddy and I had to put up with you all doing impressions of a turtle afterward for weeks. Wyatt will not be going trick or treating of course, but Grandma Roberts is going to be watching him while she hands out candy, so I know she will be showing him off. I remember how your last Halloween, I had to carry you back, because your legs hurt so bad. I am glad that you are out of pain sweetheart, but I sure do miss you, and I hope there are snicker bars in Heaven. Love, mama

Monday, October 17, 2005 5:20 PM CDT

hi all!
thanks for signing. i am putting a picture of the little guy up here, so you can see him. this is his three month picture, we just got them. he is four and a half months now, and i still haven't got hi 4 month pictures done! I like to do them every month, because they change so much. I just took him to the docor 2 weeks ago, and though he had grown to 24" the doctor was concerned, because he was falling behind in hi weight, and was only 11 pounds 13oz. He made me bring him back last friday, and he now weighs 12pound 10 oz. so the doctor was pleased. Praise the Lord! I was getting a little worried, even though I know part of the problem is that he spits up alot. he eats alot, but i bet half of what he eats comea up. i am constantly changing his clothes! Adam did the same thing though. I have had alot of reminders of him lately. Josh brought home candy bars to sell today, and I remembered how excited adam was when he got to sell them,(he bought most of them himself!) He liked his chocolate. well Wyatt has had enough of sitting here. Adam's mom

Thursday, October 13, 2005 6:01 AM CDT

Hi everybody,
Thanks to those who still sign. I had a beautiful dream of my Adam the other night, and unlike most of my dreams, I didn't know he had died in it. Usually I always know,but not this time. I woke up saying the same prayer I had said for 8 years, " please don't let Adam relapse again". Then I realized that he was gone and it was useless to say that prayer. I used to think it was awful to have to worry every day if the cancer would come back or not. To look at that little body and wonder what is going on inside, but I would go back to the worry and desperation to have him back. It seems so odd to me that a big part of my life is over. That I will never wake Adam up in the morning or kiss him goodnight. That I will never feel his little hand in mine again. Not until Heaven anyway. I strain to remember what that felt like. To remember his sweet voice. I never want to forget that sweet little voice telling me Jesus was his best friend. I am not saying this to make you feel bad. I am doing okay. It just hurts to go on with out him. But I would not have traded one day with him. I am glad that God chose me to be his mom if only for a short time.

Saturday, October 8, 2005 4:08 PM CDT

Hey sweetboy,
Have ya heard the news? Mama and Amy are going to see Bonjovi! Are ya shaking your head, and rolling your eyes? I can see you doing that. You always did think we were crazy when we got together, and you not being able to go to school alot, got dragged into our crazy shananigans. I miss those days. Watch over us, the last time I went to a concert with Amy she tried to take the guys towel that he wiped his sweat on, and a security guard wouldn't let her. And she thinks I'm the crazy one! Love ya babe, mama

Wednesday, October 5, 2005 7:43 AM CDT

hey sweetboy,

IWAS HOLDING WYATT THIS MORNING, JUST AS I AM NOW, AND I WAS REMEMBERING YOU AT THIS AGE. HE REMINDS ME ALOT OF YOU, HE HAS THE SAME CROOKED SMILE, AND HIS CHUBBY LITTLE CHEEKS. I AM AFRAID THAT HE HAS JOSH'S TEMPERMENT THOUGH. AS I WATCHED HIM, AND PLAYED WITH HIM, I REALIZED ONCE AGAIN HOW TRULY BLESSED I WAS TO BE YOUR MOM, IF ONLY FOR A SHORT TIME. CAROL WROTE THAT SHE USES YOU AS AN EXAMPLE OF FAITH AND STRENGTH. WHAT A GREAT WAY TO BE REMEMBERED, BUDDY. ALL OF US LONG TO ACHIEVE THAT, BUT SO FEW OF US DO. I AM SO PROUD OF YOU ADAM, MORE THAN YOU WILL EVER KNOW.I AM TRYING VERY HARD TO GET OUT OF THIS DEPRESSION THAT I HAVE SUNK INTO. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. MAMA

Saturday, October 1, 2005 2:21 PM CDT

Oh Adam,
I miss you. I have so many people mad at me right now, because I miss you. I guess I am not dealing with people the right way when it comes to you. I love to talk about you, because it keeps you alive, and that makes others uncomfortable. I don't understand that and I never will. I get mad so easily. My guard is always up. When you were here, I always felt like I had to stand up for you, because you had a hard time in school and with the docs, and now that your gone, and really can't defend yourself, I feel it even stronger. I can't do the family gathering thing, it is selfish, and I know it, but I just can't do it anymore. I go to these things and I see everyone with all there kids, and it just rubs salt in the wound. And then I get mad at the world. It is not there fault, they can't bring you back, but I just can't pretend like everything is the same when there is a big hole in my family. I just miss you. Love ya always, mama

Wednesday, September 28, 2005 7:00 AM CDT

Adam,
Hi sweetboy! Mama finaly got your grave decorated and trimmed last night. I had to buy new decorations though, I couldn't find my safe place to save my life. Those vines that I put on your grave go nuts! If I don't trim them every month, they just cover up everything. I put some real pumpkins on this year, because you loved carving pumpkins. Remember when we cooked the pumpkin seeds and I burnt them? I bought some stuff to make pumpkin pies this year. I couldn't bring myself to do it last year, because the last time I made them, we made them together. You loved to cook. I still watch the video of us making them together sometimes, but it makes me really sad to see you like that, unable to walk or move very well. I prefer to remember you happy and healthy. Yesterday I came into the room, and dad was holding Wyatt up to your picture telling him about his big bubby. It did my heart good to see that! I do it all the time, but I love to hear other people talk of you, to know that you aren't forgotten. Daddy cried for you Saturday and said how he missed you. You had alot in common with both of us, and we just miss you so much! You were not only our son, you were our friend. We love you sweetheart! Love, mama

Wednesday, September 21, 2005 6:43 AM CDT

Hi everyone,
Two days in a row! Man I am getting good! It is kind of hard to update now, with Mr. Wyatt. He doesn't always cooperate with my schedule. I can't believe that he will be 4 months old next Friday. He is changing so much. I just got his 3 month pictures taken. I tried to go up and decorate Adam's grave yesterday for fall, but I put his decorations from last year in ( a safe place), and now I can't remember where that safe place is! I am getting terrible about things like that! It seems so odd to me, that for years I remembered to give Adam 17 meds a day, and I can't remember to take my birth control pills! My mind has not been the same since he left me. Gabby is lying here at my feet, I think she got used to the boys being here this summer, and now she is just stuck with me.The other day, Wyatt and I were taking a walk down river road, and as soon as I turned the bend to where the two Palimino horses always are, they started running away from me. I looked up, and said "Adam I wish you could see these horses, you loved horses so much". I told him to give me a sign if he could see them, and just then they both started to walk right up to me. They had just been scared to death of me a moment before.

Adam: Every now and then, soft as breath upon my skin, I feel you come back again, and I believe!
Love, mama

Tuesday, September 20, 2005 10:38 AM CDT

Boy am I depressed, Johnathon got his drivers license today! Thankyou for helping him God and Adam. I know you both were there, because I asked you to be and he asked you to be. Thankyou. I did want him to pass, because I failed the first time, and I didn't want him to go through that disappointment, but I am scared to death also. He thinks I am terrible, because I am not letting him drive to school right away, but I think he needs more practice yet. I just could not handle losing another child. One thing is good though, my having to ride while he drives days are over! I am leaving the rest up to Doug! Well Wyatt is calling. Love to all, Adam's mom

Monday, September 12, 2005 10:41 AM CDT

Hi all,

I hope everyone said a prayer for the survivors and loved ones of those lost on 9/11 four years ago. No matter how much time passes the hurt remains, especially on those anniversaries. Thankyou all so much for the messages! I appreciate them so much. Yes Diana, Gabby has been staying home thank God. (she got loose about a week ago, and was gone for five hours, I was frantic because of her being Adam's dog, luckily a neighbor had found her and tied her up). Thank God, I don't know what we will do when she leaves us, that will really be a sad day. I am going to try to put the new picture of all 4 boys on here, but the last 4 times I have tried I have been unsuccessful. Someone told me the other day that Wyatt looks more like Adam every day. I think he does too, but he definitely has Josh's temper and I just know he is going to be as ornery as Johnathon. I can see more days of donuts in the VCR coming for us! I put him in his excersaucer today, and he just loved it, he was just bouncinng around! So far no teeth, although his gums are swollen on the bottom. He and I went to Adam's grave today and walked. I was going to trim, but Wyatt had, had enough. We went to Honda's family festival on saturday, and the fair was last week, it brought back lots of memories of Adam. He loved the fair! Jennifer, do you remember when you told him how you loved to get fried twinkies? He had to get one because of you!
Well that is all for now, Love, Adam's mom

Wednesday, September 7, 2005 11:32 AM CDT

Hi all,

sorry it has taken me so long to write on here. It is not that I do not think about it believe me. Wyatt and the boys have me constantly going. Josh started pee-wee football, and Wyatt is teething, so he hasn't been very happy. Johnathon had a band show last night at the fair, I had to have him there by 6:00, I had to have him at the Dr. for his appointment at 4:30 and Josh in Kenton by 5:00 for his football pictures. What a mess. I miss my Adam soooooooooo much. I had a wonderful dream of him the other night though. It was great. He was allowed to come back from Heaven for one day, and he was so healthy and tan and tall and just like always, all smiles! He was carrying a boat don't ask me what that was about, I have no idea. Well I need to get off of here, Josh is waiting for a call from his girlfriend. Love, Adam's mom

Monday, August 29, 2005 4:26 PM CDT

Hi sweetboy,
did you hear mama and Johnathon talking about you today? He stayed home from school, because his stomach was upset, but by 9:00am he was just fine, and pestering me. Oh well, I made him do some chores for me. Anyway, we were talking, and laughing about some of the things you used to do. We were remembering, how every time you would get in the bathtub, Johnathon would choose that time to go in the bathroom and do his buisiness! You used to get so mad, and eventually you started locking him out, because you didn't want your bathroom stunk up when you were trying to relax! We waited too long to add on a second bathroom didn't we? I love you punkin. Love, mama

Friday, August 26, 2005 4:58 PM CDT

Oh my sweet angel boy,
thankyou so very much for the visit today. I turned around from loading the dryer and I saw you just for an instant it was almost like I ran right into you. I know that others will probably think I am nuts, and I did too at first when it happened last Sunday, I thought I had just imagined you. But I know now that wasn't the case. You made my day. I wish I could have seen you for longer than an instant, but I'll take what I can get! Thankyou for letting me know that you are still right here with me, and that you do see Wyatt. I love you so much, my sweet angel, more than all the jellybeans in the world! Grandma Roberts put a baseball lunchbox on your grave. She misses both her boys. Love ya punkin, love, mama

Thursday, August 25, 2005 4:53 AM CDT

thankyou so much for the messages! like i said, i know that he is thought about, but sometimes it is nice to hear it. it feels so weird that it will be two years in december. i think back to when we still had him here, and how he would walk out of his room in the mornings and give me a big hug. i miss his smiles, the way he would always point babies out to me in stores. i think of how good he would be with wyatt. he would be so proud of josh, because he has become quite the big brother, adam always took that job very seriously. i can hear him teasing johnathon about his driving. i just miss him. there are no words to say how much. he and i were so close. we spent so many years together waiting in hospitals, talking doing puzzles, and painting. i just miss him. i love you all for still remembering him with me, love, adam's mom

Monday, August 22, 2005 3:53 PM CDT

Hi guys,
I have Wyatt to sleep in his crib, so I wanted to get on here quick. The boys went back to school today, and even though I miss their help, it was nice not to have to listen to to the fighting. Lately I have been having some very hard days, sometimes I feel like I am the only one who still thinks about Adam. I know it's not true, but everyone else's life goes on, and I feel stuck. If you have the time please sign the guestbook. I miss the messages. Love, Adam's mom

Thursday, August 18, 2005 7:34 AM CDT

not much to report here, wyatt is growing and starting to coo and laugh more. sometimes he will be just lying on our bed laughing, and i just know that adam is playing with him. he has adam's crooked smile, and josh's temper. i am trying to get my nerves up to take johnathon driving today. he is getting anxious to get his licence, and it is not fair for me to keep putting it off. i just pray that nothing happens to him. i can not handle losing another child. please pray for his safety. he is not that bad a driver, he just needs more practice, and i just don't have the nerves for it. poor guy. well that is all for now, love, adam's mom

Tuesday, August 16, 2005 3:36 PM CDT

hi sweetboy! today is joshy and uncle randy's birthday. grandma roberts is probably having a rough day. i never appreciated that until now. you sympathize, but you just have no idea how bad it is to celebrate your childs birthday without them.the only consolation we have, is that you two are together. i wonder if you grow up in heaven? it would be weird if you were 11 and ahalf, and your uncle is still ten. i bet you have alot to talk about though, since you both went through chemo and went to the same hospital. i love you so much punkin, love mama

Thursday, August 11, 2005 5:19 AM CDT

hi adam,
i am sitting here holding your baby brother. he is in a great mood, smiling and laughing. i can't believe it, but johnathon is up too. he usually isn't up till ten. he heard me cough out here, and out he came. he said he couldn't sleep. he is going to go to west virginia with grandma and granpa tonight. they are going to gary's cabin. i remember how much you loved it there, wading in the creek and catching crawfish. mommy is not an outdoors person, but you sure were. daddy has only been fishing once since you've been gone, and that was only because josh asked him to. i think that he did that for dad, because you know that he and johnathon have never had the patience for fishing like you did. you would sit for hours in the boat with dad. i miss you! love mama

Sunday, August 7, 2005 7:11 PM CDT

hi all,
i am left handed tonight, so bear with me. i went to adam's grave today and cut his vines,they were overgrowing his stones. i likr to put them on, because he really loved green, but they overtake everything. it ius hard to belueve that josh is almost 11 the sameage as adam was. i can still hear adam to let bubby help him with things, he was such a good big brother.johnathon just finished band camp this week, it was so hot, i think they were terrible making those kids march in that.i think about adam all the time, and how much i miss him.he was such a sweetie.

Tuesday, August 2, 2005 12:07 AM CDT

HI ALL,
SORRY IT HAS BEEN SO LONG AGAIN. I TOOK WYATT TO THE DR. YESTERDAY FOR HIS WELL BABY CHECK. HE WEIGHED TEN POUNDS EVEN AND WAS 22 AND A HALF INCHES LONG. THE DR. WAS VERY PLEASED. I AM STILL NURSING HIM EXCLUSIVELY, AND WAS WORRIED BECAUSE EVERYONE ALWAYS SAYS HOW TINY HE STILL IS, BUT HE ACTS SATISFIED AND THE DR, SAYS THAT HE IS RIGHT WHERE HE SHOULD BE. I WAS VERY STRESSED YESTERDAY, BECAUSE HE HAD TOGET 4 IMMUNIZATION SHOTS, AND AFTER WHAT HAPPENED WITH ADAM I WAS VERY NERVOUS. I HAD A LONG TALK WITH THE DR, AND HE SAID TO SEE HOW HE DID WITH THESE AND WE WOULD GO FROM THERE. I PRAYED REALLY HARD WHILE THEY GAVE THEM, AND OTHER THAN THE USUAL FEVER AND CRANKINESS, HE HAS BEEN FINE.THANK GOD! THE BOYS WILL BE GOING BACK TO SCHOOL ON THE 22ND, AND AFTER ALL THE FIGHTING, I HAVE TO SAY I AM KIND OF GLAD.I HAVE COMPLETELY BANNED THEM FROM EACH OTHERS ROOMS.WELL THAT IS ALL FOR NOW,LOVE,
ADAM'S MOM

Tuesday, July 26, 2005 1:07 PM CDT

HI EVERYONE! I AM DOING THIS IN ALL CAPS, BECAUSE WITH WYATT SLEEPING ON MY LEFT ARM, IT IS JUST EASIER. WHY DON'T I LIE HIM DOWN YOU ASK? BECAUSE HE WON'T ALLOW IT! WYATT RULES THE ROOST AROUND HERE, HE HAS EVERYONE WRAPPED AROUND HIS LITTLE FINGER. I ONLY WISH ADAM COULD BE HERE TO SEE HIM. HE WOULD NOT HAVE LET ANYONE ELSE HOLD HIM. I AM STARTING TO WISH THE OTHER TWO WERE BACK IN SCHOOL! ALL THEY DO IS FUSS AND FIGHT. THE OTHER DAY IN CHURCH THEY SHOWED A VIDEO OF OUR VBS, AND ONCE AGAIN IT BROUGHT ME TO TEARS, ADAM SO LOVED BIBLE SCHOOL. I DIDN'T HELP THIS YEAR BECAUSE OF WYATT, AND I AM GLAD THAT I DIDN'T, BECAUSE IT IS JUST TOO HARD.I WENT DOWN ONE NIGHT TO HEAR THE SONGS, BECAUSE MY FRIEND AMY ALWAYS LEADS THE SONGS AND SHE DOES SUCH A GOOD JOB. HER SON BRADY WAS HELPING THIS YEAR, AND HE WAS ONE OF ADAM'S BEST FRIENDS. I KNOW IT IS WRONG, BUT I FEEL LIKE ADAM GOT CHEETED OUT OF SO MUCH,HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN THERE HELPING BRADY, SMILING THAT BEAUTIFUL SMILE. EVERYONE ALWAYS SAYS THERE IS A REASON, BUT I HAVEN'T FOUND IT YET. I FEEL SO TORN, IWANT TO GO BACK TO WHEN ADAM WAS HERE, BUT IF WE HADN'T LOST ADAM WE WOULDN'T HAVE WYATT. I WANT THEM BOTH

Saturday, July 23, 2005 9:07 AM CDT

HI sweetboy,

Mama went to Walmart yesterday, and got the boys picture taken together. I just couldn't have it done without you though, so Josh held up your school picture. People looked at me as if I were weird, but you are still my child, and it did not feel right not to have you in it. The photographer was very nice though, and she acted as if it was not weird at all. When it came time to do the boys seperately, she surprised me, by putting your picture on the table putting a baseball cap, glove and ball around it and taking a picture. I thought that was nice. As for the people who looked at me strange, I don't care. They will never ever understand unless they have lost a child. It is an unsermountable pain, that never goes away, you just get used to having it. I love you so very much punkin and miss you just as much! I told grandma Roberts the other night, that I do not know how she has made it this long without Randy. It has been 30 years. Sometimes I don't think I will make it through the day. Love, mama

Thursday, July 21, 2005 7:32 AM CDT

hi all,
i tried to update this yesterday, but it would not except my password. it did that today too, but i figured out that the boys had the caps lock on, and adams password is in lowercase. sorry that i am not capitalizing, but i am typing one handed yet again, wyatt is very fussy with a tummy ache. he was in agood mood earlier though, and was lying on my stomach lifting his head up, looking around. i am amazed at how fast he is growing, but also it saddened me to remember, that in his last months adam could not lift his head anymore. even though i know that he can do that now, it still bothers me, what he had to endure. i miss him so very much. he had a precious smile, and a sweet spirit.ther will never be another adam kindell

Sunday, July 17, 2005 12:33 AM CDT

Hi Adam,
Mama misses you so very much. I am holding on to the promise of eternal life with all my heart! That is the only thing that gets me through the days without you! I can not wait until that day when I see you again! I have changed so much since I lost you. I do not look at things the same at all. I am grateful for every day that I had you, but it wasn't enough! Nobody understands. I love you. Please watch over little Anna May Tooms and Abbie and all the other sick children, you know how they feel. Love, mama

Thursday, July 14, 2005 9:06 AM CDT

Hi angel boy!

Daddy and I both were blessed with dreams of you the night before last. Thankyou! I thanked Jesus already. It was so wonderful to see your sweet face again! I miss you so much! Love mama

Tuesday, July 12, 2005 6:20 PM CDT

Hi all!
I am truly sorry that I have not gotten on here lately! Doug was off last week for shut down, and this week for vacation, and Wyatt is very spoiled, and won't let me put him down much. There is no excuse though, I do not want my Adam to think that I have forgotten him, believe me, nothing could be more wrong. Wyatt and I went to his grave the other day, and he sat in his car seat while I trimmed around Adam's flowers. He was so good the whole time, it's like he knew how important it was to me. I told him about his brother the whole time. I am going to put another picture of Wyatt in the photo album! he is getting soooooooo big! Adam would have just loved him. Doug and I watched Adam's picture video the other day, and Doug started crying. It is so weird the things that bother us. I love to watch him on tape, and it bothers Doug, but he can watch Josh ride Adam's 4 -wheeler, and I can't. It never gets better, you just learn to cope. Thanks to all of you who are still faithful to Adam's website! I appreciate it so much! Love, Angel Adam's mom.

Sunday, July 3, 2005 12:33 AM CDT

You do not get much more american than that! Gosh how I miss you, my brave little soldier! It was only fitting that God sent soldiers to recieve you into His kingdom. I can still hear you saying " the army men are here". I love you sweetboy more than all the jellybeans in the world! Love, mama

Tuesday, June 28, 2005 7:28 PM CDT

Dear Adam,
Mama misses you so much! It has been 18 months, and I still miss you like crazy. It still hurts just as bad. Wyatt has colic just like you and Josh did. I feel so sorry for him, when he brings his little legs up. He will be a month old on Thursday, and I will be taking him to have his pictures taken. I remember taking you for your first picture, you were such a cutie. I remember I had to nurse you before they could take your picture, so I hid out in the back and did that for about 20 minutes before you were satisfied. I hope Wyatt doesn't do that. He is going through a growth spurt right now, and thinks he has to eat all the time. Daddy is holding him right now, because he is sleeping and everytime we lay him down he wakes up. When he lays on our bellies it makes his tummy feel better. I love and miss you so much punkin. You would not be very proud of your Red's right now though. They stink! I know that would make you mad, but there is no other way to put it Adam. You tell them to get there acts together! I Love you more than all the jellybeans in the world, Love, mama.

Sunday, June 26, 2005 1:04 PM CDT

HI everyone,
We just had our last church service with our Pastor Denny. I will miss him, but I wish him and his wife Carol the best. I feel like I have lost another piece of Adam. Denny was the only Pastor that Adam remembered having, and he loved him so. The day before he died he was feeling poorly, and asked me to call Denny, and I didn't want to bother him, so I didn't call. I will always regret that! Doug wants to try out new churches, so we are going to start looking pretty soon. I understand that he wants to go to a church that has more for young children, but still it makes me sad. I like the factthat our church is small, and that everyone pulls together in a crisis. I also like the fact that I have so many memories of Adam in that church.he loved to do the offering, and I can not say the Lord's Prayer without hearing his sweet voice. I love you Adam, and though so many things have changed sinceyou left us nothing can ever change my love for you

Wednesday, June 22, 2005 10:15 AM CDT

finaly! This thing would not let me on here yesterday. I don't know why. I am trying to type this one handed, becuse Wyatt wants fed allthe time right now. He is a little pig! I can't believe how much he is changing every day! I thank God for him every day, as I do my oter children. You just do not realize what a blessing children are, until you lose one. i never take for granted kissing my kids and telling them I love them, because Iyearn to just hold adam in my arms. Doug was showing off Wyatt's picture at work, and he was standing by the place where he has all the kids pictures. The lady did not know which one was which, but she pointed to Adam's picture and said "He has that one's eyes." well that is all for now, it is too hard to type with one hand. love in Christ, Angel Adam's mom

Sunday, June 19, 2005 2:19 PM CDT

Hi everyone,
Wyatt was dedicated in church today. It was a nice ceremony. I know that his big brother Adam was there watching him. I know that today was kind of a sad day for Doug as Mothers day is for me. Please keep him and all the other dad's who have lost children in your prayers. Thankyou all so much for the kind words about Wyatt. He is getting bigger every day! I took him to the doctor on Friday, and he weighed 8# and 2 oz. and was 191/2 inches! The doctor said that he looked great! Praise the Lord! He has his brother Adam's looks, but he has his bubby Josh's temper! He was not happy being stripped at the doctor, let me tell you. Thanks again for still getting on here! Love in Christ, Angel Adam's mom

Wednesday, June 15, 2005 1:35 PM CDT

http://www.tubal-reversal.net/pregnancy/tubal-reversal-thank-you-440.htm

this is the website of the dr. who did my tubal reversal. I ent him a picture of Wyatt for his testimonials, and he asked if I wanted to put a picture of Adam on also, so we did. He is a wonderful human being, I highly recomend him.

Tuesday, June 14, 2005 4:05 PM CDT

dearest Adam,
Mama misses you so very much! I think about you all the time, Your smile, your laugh, your voice. I pray that I never get alzeimers, because I never want to forget even one of our memories together. Wherever I go there is something that reminds me of you. Daddy and I cannot see a pair of goggles without thinking of you, he bought a green pair at the dollar store the other day and put them on your grave. You loved to go under water! Wyatt smiles alot when he is sleeping, and I think you must be talking to him. I hope so. I still hear you tell me that you love me. Thanks sweetboy, I love you more than all the jellybeans in the whole wide world! Love, mama

Thursday, June 9, 2005 4:56 PM CDT

Hi everyone,
I promise that I am going to do better at signing this. I have been so busy lately, and Wyatt is so spoiled that he cries every time I put him down. He will not even sleep in his own bed. He has slept with Doug and I from the get go. I have just been a mess with my hormones. On one hand I am so elated to have Wyatt in our lives, but I miss my Adam so much! He would have adored Wyatt. None of us would have gotten the chance to hold him. I pray every night that God will protect him, and let him outlive Doug and I. I am terrified of sids. Once you lose a child, you are never the same, you know what it is like to lose one, and you never want to go through this hell again. Sorry, but that is the only word for it. I love all of you for still getting on here and remembering Adam with me. It makes my life bearable. I tell Doug all the time, one of the hardest things about dealing with the loss of a child, is that nobody mentions them anymore. In Wyatt's birth announcment in the newspaper, we said that he joined three brothers: Johnathon, Adam and Josh. I can never leave him out, he will always be my baby. Thanks again to those who still write on here. Love in Christ, Angel Adam's mom

Monday, June 6, 2005 8:24 AM CDT

Hi everyone,
sorry that it has taken me so long to get back on here. I have been busy spoiling Wyatt. Thank you all so much for the messages that you put on here. We are feeling very blessed right now. I only wish that Adam could be here with us. He would be so proud of his brother. I am putting Adam back up here, because this site is about him, but I am putting a more recent picture of Wyatt in the photo album for you to see. Doug went back to work today. He wished that he could take off more, but family leave doesn't pay, so we couldn'y afford any longer. Thankyou to all who still get on here and remember my sweet boy with me. Love, angel Adam's mom

Wednesday, June 1, 2005 7:38 AM CDT

Praise the Lord!
Please welcome to the world, Wyatt Adam Kindell! He was born on May 30th at 4:22pm weighing 7# and 13oz. and was 19and 3/4 inches long. He was born at 37 weeks just like his brother Adam and was delivered by a Dr. Campbell, the same name of the Dr. who delivered Adam, and no that was not my doctor. I am extremely tired as we just got home last night, and Wyatt only let me have a half hour sleep, so I will write more later. Thank you all so much for all of your prayers! Thank God he is healthy! What do you think of your brother Adam?

Saturday, May 28, 2005 2:25 PM CDT

Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday dear Adam Happy Birthday to you!

At 1:17pm you were born this day, and my life has not been the same since. I miss you so very much my sweetboy. No one will ever know exactly how much. It is a terrible thing to have to take balloons to a grave and put 13 candles on a cake to celebrate a life that never made it past 11. I love you so much. You made my life complete, and now I am just counting the days until I can touch your sweet face again. Thank God for the promise of eternal life! Love, mama

Friday, May 27, 2005 11:49 AM CDT

Hey sweetboy!
Here is a picture of you on your 9th birthday. You took all your birthday money from your aunts and uncles and bought this bike. I remember you and I putting it in the back of the van and it was raining. Daddy hung it up in the garage so no one could ruin it. You always took such good care of your stuff. It still looks like brand new. The bike that grandma and grandpa got you for their house is still there too. It is also hanging up. I asked them not to get rid of it. I just can't bear it. I love you and miss you so much punkin! I can't believe that it was 13 years ago tomorrow that I first laid eyes on you. You took my breath away. I went up to your grave today and planted some red geraniums. I hope you can see all your Reds stuff on it! I was unable to get you a Reds cake so we got Ohio State! I love and miss you more than all the jellybeans in the world! Love, mama

Wednesday, May 25, 2005 11:40 AM CDT

Praise the Lord! Wyatt is okay! Thankyou Jesus!
The nurse at the doctor's scared me to death today! I could just brain her! She came in and did my blood pressure and weight(we won't go there)and hooked me up to the monitor for my nonstress test and left the room. I thought everything was going fine, the baby was moving, his heartbeat was good, so I was not concerned. Actually I was lying there praying for contractions to start vigorously and them to send me to the hospital! Anyway, she came back in and read the paper, and said that maybe he needed a little help getting started. He was already moving off and on, and the chart was going up to 12 so I didn't understand why she thought he wasn't moving good enough. She puts this thing on my arm and pushes a button, and it makes this loud noise. Then she said that she was going to do that to my stomach to get Wyatt moving, so I said okay. So she does this like three of four times, and he moves alright! I felt like a human punching bag! But anyway she takes the first strip of paper off the machine and says that she is going to show it to the doctor, because even though he was moving and his heartbeat was going up, it should have been staying up for 15 beats, and it wasn't. She leaves, and I am lying there scared to death that something is wrong with him and praying that he is alright, when about 10 minutes later she comes back in, and says that she hasn't been able to show it to the doctor yet, because he was with another patient. Then she tells me how she had a stillborn baby, and they never figured out what went wrong! I was about ready to bawl by this point. But then praise God! Wyatt's heartbeat started staying up longer, and she said that it was looking better, and she showed it to the midwife, and she said that he "looked beautiful". Thank you Jesus! What a wonderful God we serve! I was so thankful! I worry so much anyway, that was the last thing I needed! Then they told me that I have to have one of those every week now! Please pray that they go well! The midwife checked me, and said that I am 50% effaced and 1/2 a centimeter dialated. I wish it had been more, but I am not complaining, since with my other kids I never dialated until I was in actual full blown labor! Come on Wyatt! Hurry up!

Monday, May 23, 2005 7:27 AM CDT

5 more days till your birthday sweetheart!
I can't believe that you would be thirteen! I remember holding you in my arms for the first time, and seeing how georgeous you were. I love you so much sweetie! We will be having a Reds cake for your birthday, and of course letting off your green balloons. If you could would you please give mama and daddy a sign that you are still with us! Love mama

Thanks to all of you who still get on here and read this, even though hardly nobody writes anymore (hint, hint).
I am now 36 weeks and one day, and I am so ready for this little guy to get here. I am going to the doctor on Wednesday to have a nonstress test and a beta strep test. They will also check me to see if my cervix is favorable for an induction. Please, please pray that it is, because I can not wait to hold this little guy. I still am hoping secretly of course that he is born on his big brothers birthday, that would be wonderful! I know that people keep saying that he should have his own special day, but I don't believe that. Joshua was born on my brother Randy's birthday, and it made my mom's whole face light up. He has never felt slighted in the least by sharing his birthday with uncle Randy. To me it would just be the ultimate sign that Adam is with me at the delivery, watching his little brother come into this world. I will try to get on here on Wednesday and let you all know what is going on. Oh and please pray for a little girl named Anna May Toomes. She has bone cancer and she goes to the same school as Josh.
Love, Adam's mom

Thursday, May 19, 2005 6:59 AM CDT

Well all is still the same. We are still waiting on Wyatt. Josh had a ball game last night, and afterwards we all went to our brand new Walmart, which just opened yesterday. There was a lady there holding a new baby, and we all couldn't take our eyes off him, then we all looked at each other, and said "soon". We can't wait. I don't think Josh realized how tiny they are at first. He was just amazed! Oh Adam, every time I see a baby I think of you, and how you would go up to them and touch their tiny hands with such reverence. I remember, a couple of days before you died you called me into the living room, where you were sitting in your recliner watching Lifes Little Miracles. There was a tiny baby on there getting ready to have surgery, and you asked me what was wrong with him. I told you that he had something wrong with his heart, and they were going to try to fix it. Then you dozed off. I was in the kitchen when you woke up, and the first thing you said to me was "Mom how was that baby?" You are such a sweetheart! I love you Adam, more than all the jellybeans in the world.

Sunday, May 15, 2005 4:31 PM CDT

Hi sweetboy,

Mama misses you so very much! Your birthday is in 13 days, and I don't know how I am going to go through that day again without you! I am so cranky right now anyway. The boys were playing with Gabby, and all I could think was jealous thoughts. I thought, they shouldn't be playing with her, she is Adam's dog. Adam should be playing with her. I was at Johnathon's band concert the other night, and all I could think was: I will never get to see Adam do these things. I watch Josh play ball and I think of you and that you should be there watching him and cheering him on the way you used to do for Johnathon. I miss you Adam, and I love you so much! Love, mama

Wednesday, May 11, 2005 1:25 PM CDT

Hi everyone!
Thanks for all the prayers! The doctors appointment went well, thank God! I had expected it to, but I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I try hard to have faith, that everything will be fine, but it is hard after all we went through with Adam. The nurse practitioner is who I saw today, and she said that she thinks Wyatt is in the head down position. I hope so, but I don't think so. He always kicks really low. But like Doug said, look how he was lying on the last ultrasound. He had his feet almost in his mouth. I asked her about the induction, and she said that I could not schedule it until my 38th week. I hope he comes before then. Adam came at 37 weeks. It is always so weird with me, I usually have all these shots and pills to keep me from going into labor, and then when I want them to hurry up and get here, they don't cooperate. We didn't do any shots this time though, so hopefully that won't happen. My next appointment we will be doing a nonstress test and checking for dialation (keep your fingers crossed). Love ya all!
Angel Adam's mom

Tuesday, May 10, 2005 10:41 AM CDT

Hi all!
Thank you all so much for signing the guestbook, and wishing me a happy Mother's Day. It was nice. I didn't think I could stand going to church again on Mother's Day. I did that last year, and it was extremely hard. As much as I try not to be jealous of the mothers sitting there with all their children, I find that I still am. So I asked Doug and the boys to take me to the zoo. That is something that our family has always enjoyed, and I feel close to Adam there. They have a baby elephant, and Adam loved elephants. We had a really good time. Our week last week was very hectic. Josh had a play, and I had a blast fixing him up like Elvis! Then he had a practice all week, and Johnathon had drivers ed. Saturday Josh had his first game, and he did really well. Well that is all for now, I go to the doctor tomorrow, so please pray for Wyatt. Love, angel Adam's mom.
Dearest Adam,
Mama loves and misses you so much! You are and always will be my hero! You would have been so proud of Josh on Saturday with his hit. I told him that he owes all of his skill to you, since the only time he ever played baseball, is when you dragged him out there with you! Love, mama

Thursday, May 5, 2005 5:27 AM CDT

Just five more weeks to go! Boy am I getting anxious! Please pray that Wyatt is fine! I keep praying that he will be born on Adam's birthday. That would be my sign that Adam is still with me. I will be 37 weeks then, and the baby should be fine. The doctor says he thinks I will go early. I hope so. Love in Christ, Angel Adam's mom.

Monday, May 2, 2005 4:53 AM CDT

I wanted to put this picture on here, because it truly shows the ornery side of Adam. Even though it is during transplant, and he is big from the steroids, and has lost some of his hair, I still love this picture. Him and I used to fight over those jolly rancher suckers. After he passed away, I found one in his jacket pocket. Yesterday was the annual memorial for the kids who have passed away at Children's Hospital. My friend Amy and I went. She went with me last year too. Doug just can't bring himself to step foot in there. I understand, because it is really hard. All the memories come flooding back. But I also remember that night before we lost him, when our local hospital transported him by ambulance there. As soon as Adam got there, he relaxed. It was like he instinctively knew that he could go now, and they would make sure that he was comfortable, and they did. I will forever be grateful for that! It was a nice memorial, and Amy and I talked alot about our memories of Adam. I remember one time we were singing kareoke with Adam's machine, and it was the song "Breathe" by Faith Hill. Adam was watching us from the couch, and when we were done, we were so impressed with ourselves, and asked him how we did. He just smiled that shy little smile of his, and said "Your no Faith Hill". Gosh I miss that kid!
Mama loves you Adam, more than all the jellybeans in the world!

Friday, April 29, 2005 9:21 AM CDT

Oh Adam,
I just love this picture of you. I wish you hadn't still had the shingle scars on your face to remind me of all the pain you endured though. Daddy and I were watching Joshua practice the other night, and it was at the pit, where you used to play, and as you know you can see the cemetary from there. Your daddy sat there with big tears in his eyes, and said that Josh shouldn't have to see a tombstone with your name on it over there. I told him that you weren't there, as you tell me all the time when I dwell on that. I told him you are watching your brother, and you are playing all the baseball you want up there. I just wish we could see you doing it! I wish I could see you running the way a boy should run, and having your eyesight in both eyes, with no scars on your little body. I love you so much son. Love, mama

Thursday, April 28, 2005 3:30 AM CDT

Hi sweetboy,
I miss you and love you so very much!
No one talks about you anymore, but mommy thinks about you all the time! I went to the doctor yesterday to check on Wyatt, and the doctor says that everything looks good. I am starting to have some signs of preclamsia like I did with you though. I gained eleven pounds in 2 weeks and had protein in my urine. My blood pressure was good though. Daddy and I are getting very anxious to meet your little brother. I pray all the time that he is okay. Mama can not stand to watch another child suffer. You did it for too many years. I thought about you yesterday, when I waited in the doctors office for 3 hours and 20 min. All the other women were complaining, but I remember waiting with you for 8 hrs sometimes, and you never complaining. So I just sat there and thought about how we would go to the foodcourt and you would steal my pickles from my plate! I wish I could still see that ornery smile! I miss it so very much! I love you punkin! Mama

Monday, April 25, 2005 1:35 PM CDT

Hi everyone,
sorry that it's been awhile, I haven't been feeling the best. I have new respect for people that suffer from back pain! Doug got a new digital camera, so I will be putting new pictures on here soon of Adam's grave. I am working on a little baseball boy for his grave. I painted it in Cincinnatti Reds colors and I am going to make a Reds wreathe for the top of his stone and put it all on on his birthday. I can't believe he would have been 13. My sweet angel boy, I love you so much, and miss you just as much, Love, mama

Thursday, April 21, 2005 6:19 PM CDT

Hi all,

I am putting some pictures in the picture album of my two baby showers. I got some really nice stuff! Thank you all! I am getting very ready to hold Wyatt. I wish the weeks would just fly by. I have been having contractions off and on, but they are just braxton hicks. They said if I can get to 36 weeks, they won't stop my labor then. I miss my Adam soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much! Love, his mom

Tuesday, April 19, 2005 7:38 AM CDT

Dear sweet Adam,

I have been thinking about you so much. I have been wondering why God took you from us, and you know what? It was all revealed to me through a dream last night. You went through so very much in your short lifetime. I worried about you constantly. There was always something we were fighting off. You and I spent more time together than most mothers and sons do in a lifetime. I bet if we counted up the times that you went to school in your 11 and a half years it would only add up to one year. I was fiercly protective of you, even with your brothers. I would have fought to the death if anyone hurt you. I remember when those kids made fun of you, because of your reading, and I wanted to punch their lights out! Not to mention all the doctors I told off during the years. God knew that I could not protect you from everything. He knew that He could. He knew that this life would never be easy for you, so He took you to a place where there is pure peace. Where there are other kids just like you, who lived on this earth and needed that peace also. I am trying very hard to understand that you are where is best for you. It is a hard lesson to learn, but if you are happy my sweet baby, then it is worth it. No one down here can hurt you ever again. You are with the best protector in the world! I love you, mama

Friday, April 15, 2005 9:26 AM CDT

Today marks 9 years since Adam's diagnosis. It is also my mom and dad's wedding anniversary. We are taking them out tonight to celebrate, but I do not feel much like celebrating. I hate this day. I am going to put a little peice of "Adam's Journey" on here. It is the book I have been in the process of writing for a very long time. Some day I will finish it, but every time I sit down to write it, I relive it so it takes alot out of me.

After seven months of taking Adam to the doctor, with no results, I was fed up. My three and a half year old son could not even move his neck because the lump had gotten so big. He was pale and tired. Again I took him to the pediatrician, and this time I demanded that he do something.I told him that he had messed around long enough, and I knew something was horribly wrong. He just stared at me,then went over to look at Adam, who was sitting on the examining table. He was quiet for a few moments, and then said that he was going to refer Adam to an ear, nose and throat specialist, since the lump had indeed gotten bigger. I was so relieved that he was actually going to do something, but at the same time, I was so frightened o finding out what was wrong with my baby. The doctor went over and talked to the ENT, and came back with an appointment card for the next week. The ENT had ordered more tests for Adam, so that night, Doug and I took him to be poked and prodded some more. (The poor kid was becoming a pin cushion). Doug and I huddled together that night, and prayed fervently that God would touch our little boy and heal him.
The day of the appointment finally came, and the ENT took one look at Adam's lump, and said that he wanted a biopsy done in three days. As stupid as it was, I asked him to try another antibiotic. I was scared to death what that biopsy would reveal. The doctor looked at me with sympathy, but said quite frankly that any lump should be biopsied after 2 weeks. 2 weeks! This had been going on for seven months! I started shaking and crying, all the while holding Adam as tight as I possibly could. I just couldn't lose my baby!

Wednesday, April 13, 2005 6:26 AM CDT

This picture of Adam was taken in 2002, at my uncle Dick's birthday party. He is with his cousin Kyle. Kyle has Adam's Cincinnatti Red's hat on. This is how I remember Adam the best, with his camoflauge outfit on. He wore that thing to death. He always wanted to be a soldier, and he was. He fought cancer for 8 yrs like a true soldier and then God sent soldiers to take him home. I still remember the last words he said to Doug and I " the army men are here"

I love you Adam so very much! Love mama.
P.S. Grandma Roberts got Wyatt his very own camoflauge outfit! I thought of you when I saw it, and I know that is who grandma was thinking of.

Tuesday, April, 12th 2005

Hi everyone,
I just got back from the doctor. They say everything is looking good. Thank God! I have gained 6 pounds in 2 months! Ugh! I had to ask them for an excuse, because I got summoned for jurry duty on the 15th, and I knew I could not sit there for 8 hrs. without going to the bathroom umpteen times. They gave me one thank God. Adam's blue balloons were still up, evidently he doesn't have a problem with the blue ones! Love, angel Adam's mom.

I wish you would not be afraid to speak my child�s name. My child lived and was very important and I need to hear his name.

I wish you wouldn�t feel awkward if I mention his name.

If I cry or get emotional if we talk about my child, I wish you knew that it isn�t because you hurt me: the fact that my child died has caused
my tears. You have allowed me to cry and I thank you. Crying and emotional outbursts are healing.

I wish you wouldn�t �kill� my child again by removing from your home his picture, artwork, or other remembrances.

I will have emotional highs and lows, ups and downs. I wish you wouldn�t think that if I have a good day my grief is all over, or if I
have a bad day I need psychiatric counseling.

I wish you knew that the death of a child is different from other losses and must be viewed separately. It is the ultimate tragedy and I
wish you wouldn�t compare it to the loss of a parent, spouse or pet.

Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn�t shy away from me.

I wish you knew that all the �crazy� grief reactions that I am having are in fact very normal. Depression, anger, frustration,
hopelessness, the questioning of values and beliefs are to be expected following the death of a child.

I wish you wouldn�t expect my grief to be over in six months. The first few years are going to be exceedingly traumatic for us.

As with alcoholics, I will never be �cured� or a �former bereaved parent,� but will forever be a �recovering bereaved parent.�

I wish you understood the physical reaction to grief. I may gain or lose weight, sleep all the time or not at all, lose my short-term memory,
develop a host of illness and be accident prone, all of which may be related to my grief.

Our child�s birthday, the anniversary of his death, and the holidays are terrible times for us. I wish you could tell us that you are
thinking about our children these days and if we get quiet and withdrawn, just know that we are thinking about our child and don�t try to
coerce us into being cheerful.

It is normal and good that most of us re-examine our faith, values and beliefs after losing a child. We will question things we have been
taught all our lives and hopefully come to some new understanding with God. I wish you would let me tangle with my religion without
making me feel guilty.

I wish you understood that grief changes people. I am not the same person I was before my child died, and I will never be that person again.
If you keep waiting for me to get �back to my old self� you will stay frustrated. I am a new creature, with new thoughts, dreams, aspirations,
values and beliefs. Please try to get to know the �new me� � maybe you will like me still.

Journal

Thursday, March 10, 2005 5:47 AM CST

Hi everyone,

I appologize for not putting new pictures on here. My scanner was broke for so long, that for a long time I couldn't. I could only put on the ones that I had already saved on the computer. We bought a new scanner the day of Wyatt' ultrasound, so that we could show him off, and I haven't gotten around to looking up more pictures of Adam. Sometime soon I will I promise. It is hard for me sometimes. I carry his face in my mind, but sometimes even looking at his pictures on the wall is just too much. It makes me want to touch him and hold him. On Sunday I will be 26 weeks. I still have a feeling in my gut, that this is going to be a May baby like Adam. Adam was due on June 16th, but I had told the doctors all along he was going to come in May, and low and behold he did. I haven't had any preterm labor, so that is a good sign. I did with the others, and had to take shots to stop my labor from 6 months on. I have always wondered if those shots did not cause Adam's cancer, therefore I am praying that I do not have to take them. Well that is all for now, Love, Adam's mom

Tuesday March 8th 7:37 am

Hi all! Yes, Praise the Lord all is well with Wyatt, he has been moving like crazy! Last night he was on the move for all most 2 hrs straight, and let me tell you, he is now starting to pack quite a punch. I didn't put this back on here to get at anyone or anything, but I love this list, because it just puts all my feelings down. I like for it to be on here all the time, but unless I enter just right, I lose it. That is why it is on here again. I never wanted it off in the first place. I have been having a really hard time lately, I don't know if the added pregnancy hormones make it worse, but I just miss him so much. He was my little sweetie. It makes me so sad that Wyatt will not know him. Easter was one of Adam's favorite holidays. I can't see a bag of jellybeans without thinking of him! I love you all, thankyou for still caring enough to get on here. It means so much! Love, angel Adam's mom

I wish you would not be afraid to speak my child�s name. My child
lived and was very important and I need to hear his name.

I wish you wouldn�t feel awkward if I mention his name.

If I cry or get emotional if we talk about my child, I wish you
knew that it isn�t because you hurt me: the fact that my child
died has caused
my tears. You have allowed me to cry and I thank you. Crying and
emotional outbursts are healing.

I wish you wouldn�t �kill� my child again by removing from your
home his picture, artwork, or other remembrances.

I will have emotional highs and lows, ups and downs. I wish you
wouldn�t think that if I have a good day my grief is all over, or
if I
have a bad day I need psychiatric counseling.

I wish you knew that the death of a child is different from other
losses and must be viewed separately. It is the ultimate tragedy
and I
wish you wouldn�t compare it to the loss of a parent, spouse or
pet.

Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn�t
shy away from me.

I wish you knew that all the �crazy� grief reactions that I am
having are in fact very normal. Depression, anger, frustration,
hopelessness, the questioning of values and beliefs are to be
expected following the death of a child.

I wish you wouldn�t expect my grief to be over in six months. The
first few years are going to be exceedingly traumatic for us.

As with alcoholics, I will never be �cured� or a �former bereaved
parent,� but will forever be a �recovering bereaved parent.�

I wish you understood the physical reaction to grief. I may gain
or lose weight, sleep all the time or not at all, lose my
short-term memory,
develop a host of illness and be accident prone, all of which may
be related to my grief.

Our child�s birthday, the anniversary of his death, and the
holidays are terrible times for us. I wish you could tell us that
you are
thinking about our children these days and if we get quiet and
withdrawn, just know that we are thinking about our child and
don�t try to
coerce us into being cheerful.

It is normal and good that most of us re-examine our faith, values
and beliefs after losing a child. We will question things we have
been
taught all our lives and hopefully come to some new understanding
with God. I wish you would let me tangle with my religion without
making me feel guilty.

I wish you understood that grief changes people. I am not the same
person I was before my child died, and I will never be that person
again.
If you keep waiting for me to get �back to my old self� you will
stay frustrated. I am a new creature, with new thoughts, dreams,
aspirations,
values and beliefs. Please try to get to know the �new me� � maybe
you will like me still.

Thursday, March 3, 2005 5:23 AM CST

Oh Adam,
I had the most wonderful dream! We were all at Disney World again, all the grandma's and grandpa's and aunts and uncles and cousins, and most important, a healthy Adam. I woke up wishing I could go back to sleep to see your healthy face and the smile you had on it. I miss you so much! It is so hard to see your friends growing up and into sports and you arent there with them. I wonder what you would look like now, how tall you would be. I love you sweetheart more than all the jellybeans in the world! Love, mama

Wednesday, March 2, 2005 4:29 AM CST

I am sorry that it has been awhile since I have updated. It has been utter chaos around here. We started tearing up the house on Sat. to get ready for the carpet, which we had installed not only in the addition, but in the dining room as well. So we had to do alot of moving things around, and the computer was unhooked. Joshua has been sick, and I have been taking care of him. I think he is finally on the mend, I took him to the doctor twice, he is on antibiotics for a sinus infection. Yesterday I had to go to the doctor myself, because I had some spotting. I was so scared, but they said that it didn't have anything to do with the baby, I had ruptured some blood vessels in my cervix when I moved some furniture. Doug was so mad at me, he had told me not to move anything, but I am stubborn. So anyway, I think things are getting back to the norm here. I miss Adam terribly. I keep waiting for the day when it gets better, but I know that it never will. I put the baby's changing table together yesterday, and I knew that he would be right there helping me if he could. Love you all, Thanks to all who still sign on. Love in Christ, angel Adam's mama

Tuesday, February 22, 2005 1:43 PM CST

Praise the Lord! My doctor appointment went really well today. I hadn't seen the doctor at the ultrasound, so I was kind of anxious about what he would say about Wyatt. He said that he looked really good! Thank God! He looked at the picture that is proof that the baby is a boy, and said that there was certainly no mistaking that. I told him that my mother-in-law keeps telling me that it is only a thumb (she is in denial). He said that is an awfuly weird looking thumb!
I had to wait 2 hrs to see him today, because he had a delivery, and I have a terrible cold and wasn't feeling good at all. I almost got up a couple of times to reschedule, but all I could think of was Adam, and how many times we waited at the clinic. Sometimes we would wait 6 hrs to get seen or get his chemo, and he would be so sick, but he wouldn't complain, so how could I? Whenever I feel like complaining about some minor ache or pain, I think of my wonderful, brave, little boy, and my problems seem very trivial! I love you sweet Adam, more than all the jellybeans in the world! P.S. The jolly rancher jellybeans are out punkin, and I will be putting some on your grave soon, but this year in the bag! Love, mama

Monday, February 21, 2005 12:52 AM CST

Oh Adam,
Your brothers are driving me absolutely nutso today! Johnathon was chasing Josh around the house trying to pop his balloon, and Josh was going around locking his self in every room to hide from him, and Johnathon was unlocking them all with the keys. I finally ended up making them both go to their rooms! You acted so much more mature, sometimes it is hard for me to remember that they are acting like normal kids. You were just so grown up that sometimes I forgot you were a kid. I love you punkin. Love, mama

Friday, February 18, 2005 7:46 AM CST

HI EVERYBODY,
THANKYOU ALL SO VERY MUCH FOR ALL YOUR KIND WORDS AND SUPPORT! WE ARE TRYING TO GET OUR NEW ROOM DONE AND THAT HAS BEEN TAKING UP ALOT OF OUR TIME. OUR CARPET IS COMING ON THE 28TH. I CAN'T WAIT. ALTHOUGH IN THE BACK OF MY MIND THERE IS ALWAYS THAT LITTLE PIECE OF GUILT, THAT WE WOULDN'T HAVE THIS ADDITION IF IT WASN'T FOR ADAM'S INSURANCE MONEY. I WOULD GIVE IT ALL UP IN A HEARTBEAT JUST TO HAVE HIM BACK. I WOULD GIVE UP EVERYTHING EXCEPT MY KIDS AND MY GOD TO HAVE HIM BACK. I LOVE YOU ADAM.

Wednesday, February 16, 2005 11:58 AM CST

Oh Adam, we all need your protection now. Your brother Johnathon got his permit yesterday. We are all living on borrowed time! I am so glad that daddy taught you how to drive before you passed away. At least you got to do that. I love you so much punkin, and I miss you just as much. Your the best! Love, Mama

Tuesday, February 15, 2005 12:34 AM CST

I knew that Adam would not mind sharing his website with Wyatt today, so here he is. Praise God!

Monday, February 14, 2005 3:50 PM CST

Happy Valentines Day Adam! You are having a baby brother! But then again you already knew that didn't you? Thanks for watching out for him punkin, he looks perfect! He even has your nose. Thank you so much God for answering my every prayer! Praise the Lord! I am so very happy! Doug and I both had tears in our eyes. He is definitely a boy! We saw all 4 chambers of his heart, his kidneys, his brain. He is definitely a miracle. Thanks to all of you for all the prayers you had going up. I certainly could feel them. Medical tests of any kind scare me to death after what we went through with Adam. I don't care about my own health, but when it comes to my kids it is so frightening. Thanks for praying for Wyatt Adam Kindell and may God bless you all as richly as he has blessed us today. Love, angel Adam's mom

Sunday, February 13, 2005 4:40 AM CST

Oh Adam I miss you so much! Life stinks without you. I try to go on like everyone wants me to do, but only you and God know the truth, that I am an absolute mess! I can tell that people are sick of me crying all the time and talking about how I miss you all the time, but I can not help it. I lost a big piece of my heart when I lost you. I wake up in the middle of the night, like tonight and I want you back so badly, that my whole body aches. I get mad because everyone else just goes on like the world is the same without you, and I can't. You were my world. I have always been with you kids, more than I have been with your dad. Please give me a sign that you are okay.LOve mama

Thursday, February 10, 2005 6:17 AM CST

My sweet sweet Adam,
Mama went to Ash Wednesday service last night by herself. The last time that I went, I went with you. I remember how you stood up there like the little man that you were, and let Pastor Denny put the ashes on your forehead. I was so proud of you. The next day you woke up with the cross still on your forehead, we had forgotten to wash it off. I miss you so very much punkin. I feel so very, very lost without you. Love mama

Tuesday, February 8, 2005 8:36 AM CST

Hi everyone,
The last picture with Adam standing with the boys from his class, was taken at camp Wilson. He went there with his class in early October, a month before we got the news that he was dying.Yes I will get on here when I get back from the Dr. on Monday. The appointment is not until 2:00p.m. please pray really hard at that time, that everything is alright with baby Kindell. Thankyou all so very much for all of your love, prayers and support. Love in Christ, Angel Adam's mom.

Monday, February 7, 2005 8:01 AM CST

Hi everyone,
As for the questions on how I am feeling, I am feeling pretty good. I am now 21 weeks. The baby moves alot. Thank God! Doug and I went and ordered our carpet yesterday. I was walking by a carpet sample, and when I looked down at the one beneath it, written with someones finger was the name ADAM. I was so shocked that I called Doug over and asked him what he saw and he saw it too. What are the chances of me even seeing it? What are the chances of another child named Adam being there that same day and writing his name in a carpet sample with his finger? My Adam was giving me a sign! Thankyou God and Adam, I needed that! I need to know that you are still with me. I try to remember every day what it was like to touch you to hold you, to have you look up to me with those beautiful eyes and smile that crooked smile. Oh I remember the smile, I remember every scar and exactly how you got it, but I can' touch you, I can't smooth your hair back from your forehead, and I miss those little things so very much. I love you so much sweetheart! Love, mama

Friday, February 4, 2005 6:57 AM CST

Hello everyone,
Once again, I just want to thank all of you who still get on here and read this website and keep Adam's memory alive. Thanks most of all to those of you who still sign. Until you go through something tragic you don't understand how much words of care and support can mean. I was looking at the baby names book last night, and when I looked up Wyatt it said that it meant little fighter. If this baby is anything like his brother Adam he will certainly be a "little fighter". Please continue to pray that the ultrasound is good! Thankyou so very much! We have been so blessed to have so many great people visit this site. Please continue to pray for these children: Taylor Krueger(3yr old fighting leukemia), Shannon, Abbie Dunn(diagnosed same time as Adam and relapsed last November in spinal fluid). Please also remember the families, the stress of having a sick child is almost unbearable. Love in Christ, angel Adam's mom.

Wednesday, February 2, 2005 6:26 AM CST

hey sweetboy,
I love you so much! Daddy and I had to go have our taxes done last night, and I cried when daddy told them that you would not be on this years return. It just broke my heart. I can't stand the fact that your name has to be removed from everything. That is why when I sign cards to people I never leave you out. You will always be our son! Daddy and I are going to find out what the baby is on Valentines day, we are both wishing for a boy so we can name it Wyatt Adam Kindell. But we will love it just the same if it is a girl. Then it will have your initials ADK. Please help Jesus watch over this baby punkin. Love, mama

Monday, January 31, 2005 10:43 AM CST

Hi sweet boy!
I love you and miss you so much. Daddy and I were talking about you last night, and how hard it is to live without you. Josh got in bed with me this morning, and told me that aunt Paulette had called and they were on a 2 hour delay. It reminded me of all the mornings that you would crawl in bed with me and stick your cold feet on me with a huge grin on your face! I miss you sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much! Love, mama

Thursday, January 27, 2005 6:04 AM CST

Hey sweetboy,
Mama misses you so much! I bought some things yesterday to put on your grave for Valentines Day. I love you so much punkin! Your in my every thought. Love, mama

Tuesday January 25th

Your my first thought in the morning
And my last memory at night.
You are there in each day's dawning
And you make the night sky bright.
When I'm longing for your presence
And I'm sad and lonely too
I recall great times together
And these memories have to do.
Did I take your life for granted,
Never thinking it would end?
No, I rather think I savored
being both your mom and friend.
Now the first year has ended,
And a second long one begins
I'm so happy I'll see you again
Though I'll never know just when.
While I do not wish my life away
I know the time will come
When I can stand beside you,
And say,"This is my son."
Nancy McKeaney

Praise the Lord! The baby's heartbeat was 156 today! I am so glad that it is down in the normal range! The doctor was never worried about it, but I was. I worry about everything! Thank God! He answered my prayers and brought it to where it should be. The ultrasound is scheduled for 2:00pm on Valentines Day. Please pray for everything to be great with the baby! We appreciate all of your prayers. They mean so much to us. I try not to worry, but after all those years going to doctors with Adam, and very seldom getting good news, I tend to brace myself for bad. I hope God forgives me. I am trying very hard to have faith and believe that everything is going to be alright. Thankyou all so much for still getting on here, it means so much. Please pray for the Tyler Keckler family, they are just beginning this journey of grief, and I would not wish that on anyone. Love in Christ, Adam's mama

Monday, January 17, 2005 10:04 AM CST

Hi Adam,
mama loves you so much! I was talking to Joshua yesterday on the phone, and when he told me that he loved me, he sounded so much like you, that I couldn't talk for a few seconds! Imagine that, me speechless! I know, it's hard to believe! I love you and miss you so much Adam! Don't forget to give mama and dad signs that you are still with us now and then okay? Love, mama.

Hi everyone, thankyou all so much for still getting on here and remembering Adam with us! The boys are home today and tomorrow, and they are eating me out of house and home. I swear I am going to have to get a second job just to feed Johnathon. I have been feeling pretty good. I still go to bed really early a few nights a week, but then I am always up early too. I thank God for this baby everyday. I just pray that it is healthy! I have an appointment on the 24th, and we will be making an appointment for an ultrasound 2 weeks from that. Please pray that all is well with baby Kindell. Love in Christ, angel Adam's mom.

Monday, January 17, 2005 10:04 AM CST

Thursday, January 13, 2005 8:07 AM CST

Hi sweetboy,

Mommy just got done watching the movie Steel Magnolias. Do you remember when I made you watch it in the hospital when you were getting ready for transplant? You didn't see what I saw in it, but you did like the part after the funeral, when Claree told Malin to hit Wheezer. You laughed and laughed. It wasn't your usual standard of movie, like Rambo, and Fire down below. There wasn't any hittin or kickin in it. I like it though. I especially like the part where Sally Fields says" I realize what a blessed woman I am. I was there when that beautiful soul drifted into my life, and I was there when it drifted out". That is exactly how I feel. I was so blessed to have known you Adam! I love you so much! Love, mama

Monday, January 10, 2005 5:25 PM CST

Hi everyone,

I am sorry that it has been so long since I have updated, but we didn't have any power from Wed. evening until Saturday at 11a.m. Then I had to get a new virus protection before I could get back on here, because I had let ours run out, and didn't want to take the chance of getting one of those again. The boys have been out of school since last Thurs. because of the weather. They are driving me crazy! Especially when the electric was out! I got so sick of hearing "I'm bored!". Anyway the school has already declared a 2 hour delay for tomorrow, so it's not looking good. I had a couple of nice dreams of our Adam. They were so nice! I just don't want to wake up. It's weird, but I even know when I am sleeping that if I wake up he will be gone, and I will feel the emptiness. I love you so much sweet Adam, more than all the jellybeans in the whole wide world. Love, mama
Thankyou so much, guys for still getting on here! God Bless you all!

Wednesday, January 5, 2005 11:27 AM CST

Hi all,
thanks for the birthday wishes. Doug and the boys took me out to eat last night, and my mom and dad came over as well as my in-laws. It was nice. We watched a video of the boys in Florida. It was so good to see Adam's little face. There is a part in the video, when I yelled his name, but was laughing at him just the same. I remember exactly what he had done, and though I did not think it was appropriat video material at the time, I wish that I had taped it instead of quickly switching the camera to Josh. He had pulled down his swimtrunks and mooned me, and said "How would you like a piece of this green apple?" Oh Adam how I miss your sense of humor, your sweet smile, everything about you! Last night in the car, I told the boys if they could just get along for one night, that would be the best present they could give me. Josh quickly said that he knew a present that was better than that, if they could bring you back. Your dad and I both agreed that we would never care about another present for the rest of our lives, if we could have you back. We love ya sweetie, more than all the jelly beans in the whole wide world! Love mama

Monday, January 3, 2005 3:16 PM CST

Hi everyone,
thankyou so very much for all your support, love and prayers, they do help. Your messages uplift me. Doug almost has the new room done. I finally got to use my jaccuzi! Yes! Don't worry the dr. said it was alright, as long as I didn't get the water too hot, and didn't stay in too long. It felt heavenly! Especially since my back has been hurting alot. My belly is getting huge! I have started to feel the baby move, it is wonderful! I talk to Adam all the time, and ask him to watch over this little guy or girl. I know that he is watching, and smiling from above. Doug is convinced that he will be in the delivery room! I hope he is right! Love ya all, Angel Adam's mom

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