Monday, November 29, 2004 9:52 AM CST

Hi all,

I am so glad that Thanksgiving is over. One more to go.
Thank God that he got me through! I go to the dr. today, please keep those prayers up that all is well. I went to Adam's grave yesterday, and decorated it for Christmas. I have become quite friendly with different people at the cemetary, we all share a common bond, an ache to have our loved ones back. I miss him so much, but I thank God almost every day for that little boy and the lessons that I learned from him. I got a plaque for his grave, that says exactly what I feel. "to the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world"
You were my world Adam, and it is just not the same without you punkin. Love mama

Wednesday, November 24, 2004 3:57 PM CST

I am thankful for......................................

My wonderful savior Jesus Christ, who gets me through each and every day.
My wonderful three boys! 2 on earth 1 in Heaven, and my baby on the way.
I am thankful for the honor God gave me of being an angel to a true angel.

Tuesday, November 23, 2004 6:56 AM CST

Hello everyone,
I have got to tell you, I am sitting here crying from the beautiful messages that have been left in the guestbook! Thankyou so very much! I am sorry that I have not been on here lately, we went to Illinois this past weekend to spend some time with Kim and Linda (Adam's bone marrow donor and her mother). They are two of the sweetest people in the world! We had a good time and went into Chicago and saw the Navy Pier. It was hard to be without Adam, but then again every day is hard without him. Sunday he was gone 11 mos. I do not want to celebrate the holidays at all, but I put up a small tree yesterday for the boys. It is so hard to celebrate Christmas when you bury your child on Christmas Eve. Don't get me wrong, I am forever grateful for the day that God sent his son so that we could have eternal life, and I am so grateful for the assurance that I will see Adam again some day, and we will stand in the presence of the Lord together. But in the meanwhile, I am stuck here without him, and it stinks. The morning sickness, or should I say evening sickness in my case, is getting better. I still have nights like last night, where I can't even lift my head, without nausea washing over me, but there are other days when I don't have it at all. I am even making it up until 8:30 or 9:00 the last 5 nights. I worry about everything though, when I am feeling good, I think something must be wrong with the baby. I go to the Dr. on the 29th, and I am praying that everything is well with the baby, I would appreciate your prayers as well. I know that it is unreasonable, but I am just so afraid that God thinks I don't deserve this child, and will take him from me as well. Please pray!
Love, Angel Adam's mom.

Wednesday, November 17, 2004 3:35 PM CST

Hi everyone,

I don't have much to say, except that every day I miss him so very much, and I just have to keep reminding myself that he is better off where he is. Thanks to the ones who still sign this! Love, angel Adam's mom

Monday, November 15, 2004 7:55 AM CST

Hey sweetboy,
Today is mom's first day off work, so I got your brothers off to school. It was bittersweet. I went to wake them up just like I always used to do, when you were here, by singing to them "wake up sleepyhead, it's time to drag your body out of bed, but before that school bell rings, you need to remember these three things. Your mama loves ya you know what I mean? I say your mama loves ya, you know what I mean?" Anyway I got to your bed with Joshua in it, and I could remember how you used to grab the pillow and put it over your head when I would sing that to you, and you would grumble for me to be quiet, but you always had a smile on your face! I miss you so much sweetboy, more than all the jellybeans in the world. Remember how we used to turn the radio on when we were waiting on the bus and dance? Your brothers always thought I was looney, but you always danced with me. I love ya Adam, to the moon and back! Love, mama

Thursday, November 11, 2004 4:12 PM CST

Oh Abbie thankyou so much for making this background for me! You had me all teary! God bless you! I just love it! It means so much that people still do things for Adam! Thankyou and again God Bless You. Love, angel Adam's mom.

Wednesday, November 10, 2004 6:29 PM CST

Hi sweet Adam,
mommy hasn't forgotten your website, but I have just been so sick. I'm sorry I haven't updated, but I still talk to you every day and visit your grave.

To all of the people who still get on here, thankyou so very much! You will never know how very much that means to me. My biggest fear is that Adam will be forgotten. Like I said to Adam, I haven't gotten on because I have been so sick and extremely tired all the time. The evenings are the worst. This pregnancy reminds me so much of Adam's. I was sick for six months with him. I am not complaining though, it is worth it! I am however quitting my job, because of all the sickness going around at the daycare, and me not being able to get a flu shot. It is just not worth the risk to the baby. Friday is my last day. I will miss my kids, but I am looking forward to just coddling myself. I miss Adam more and more each day. Not a day goes by that I do not cry for him. I am putting some words to a song on here that just says perfectly how I feel. I found it on one of Adam's CD's (imagine that).

You disapear a day or so
where you go to I don't know.
Then suddenly you reapear,
saying this is my favorite time of year.

Everytime you come to me,
I run to meet your memory,
and let it take me back to yesterday,
down a country road that winds,
through autumn leaves and trees of pine,
to a place where I long to be
whenever you come back to me.

Thursday, November 4, 2004 6:53 PM CST

I miss him.

Tuesday, November 2, 2004 3:39 PM CST

Hi all,
I am sorry that I do not get on here as much as I should. To tell you the truth I am at a loss for words right now. I am so happy about the baby, but at the same time I miss Adam so very much! He is never far from my thoughts. It was November 5th last year, when they told us all hope was lost for him. I go over it and over it. I don't know if we did the right thing or not by not fighting one last time, there are so many what ifs. I miss him with all my heart and soul. Thankyou Adam for asking Jesus to give me the baby to help me through. Thankyou Jesus! Angel Adam's mom

Tuesday, November 2, 2004 3:39 PM CST

Hi all,
I am sorry that I do not get on here as much as I should. To tell you the truth I am at a loss for words right now. I am so happy about the baby, but at the same time I miss Adam so very much! He is never far from my thoughts. It was November 5th last year, when they told us all hope was lost for him. I go over it and over it. I don't know if we did the right thing or not by not fighting one last time, there are so many what ifs. I miss him with all my heart and soul. Thankyou Adam for asking Jesus to give me the baby to help me through. Thankyou Jesus! Angel Adam's mom

Saturday, October 30, 2004 6:23 AM CDT

Thankyou all so very much for all the prayers! Praise the Lord! Everything went wonderful yesterday! We saw the baby in the uterus, heard the heartbeat(127) and found out that I will be 7 weeks tomorrow. Thankyou so very much for keeping us in your prayers, we felt them. The doctor said that Adam must have been shining down on us for me to get pregnant so quickly after the reversal. When I was trying it seemed like forever, but he said that he couldn't believe it happened that quickly. Thankyou God and Adam!
Trick or treat was just not the same without you buddy. I caught grandma leaving a big basket ful of bagged up candy on your grave yesterday. She said she just couldn't not give you a treat. Remember how you always dumped whatever was left from her trick or treat candy in your bag? There was alot too! Sometimes, you could barely carry your bag home. I love you sweetheart, more than all the jellybeans in the world. Love, mama.

Monday, October 25, 2004 5:43 PM CDT

I am sorry that it has been awhile since I have gotten on here. I have been so extremely tired. I have been going to bed almost every night at 7pm, and sometimes I nap before that! I am not complaining though. I love being pregnant. Thankyou all so very much for the messages, it made my day to see all those. Adam has been sending me messages. My mother-in-law, who teaches at Adam's school brought down a notebook last night when I was sleeping. His tutor had found it, and wanted us to have it. Praise the Lord! What a blessing that was! I got up this morning and read it. There was one journal entry though, that just broke my heart: I had a bad day today. I had a spinal tap, and they stuck me 4 times. I got sick, but I've had worse days than that.

That just made my heart bleed, let me tell ya. But then there was one that said " my mom takes care of me, my mom gives me medicine, my mom cooks and cleans and likes to read."

Then my sister-in-law Teresa called me, and said that she had a dream of Adam Saturday night. She has been praying for one to know that he is alright, and in her dream Adam was happy and acting crazy with her(you just have to know Teresa) and all the sudden he looked up at her and said "Why do you worry about me? I,m happy. I'm doing everything I always wanted to do.
Thankyou so much God and Adam for sending that message to both Teresa and me. Thankyou all so much for the prayers! I still need them. The ultrasound is Friday, please pray it is good. Again I just want you all to know that I thank God for you and your messages! Love in Christ, Angel Adam's mom.

Thursday, October 21, 2004 7:17 PM CDT

10 months. Seems like eternity. Oh Adam, mama misses you so. The only thing that gives me comfort, is knowing that you are now healthy and happy. I still need signs from you though, and so does daddy. He misses you helping him. He says all the time, that you would be out there helping him with this addition. I opened up your tool box just the other day, and teared up at the site of your goggles and tool belt, you loved to fix things and build things. Whenever I needed something from daddy's garage, you knew just where it was. I love ya, sweetboy, more than all the jellybeans in the whole wide world.LOve mama.

Wednesday, October 20, 2004 2:16 PM CDT

Hi everyone,

I want to give you an update on my pregnancy. I went to the Dr. yesterday, but it was just to talk to the mid-wife, and get a due date. The due date is June 17th, Adam's was June 16th. I thought that was neat, and the fact that it is Doug's birthday. I messed up, and my appointment with Dr. Foulk is not until the 29th. I will be having an ultrasound that day, to see if the baby is indeed in the uterus. Please pray hard that everything is okay, and as it should be. I have been feeling pretty good,with the exception of being extremely tired, and my appetite increasing.

Now back to Adam:

I think I mentioned that on his first Halloween he was a mouse, but on his second one he was a clown. I will be putting his pictures in the photo album if the my scanner will cooperate. I miss that little boy so much, but I can't really get into memories too much right now, because right now I cry at the drop of a hat, and memories of Adam just make me sob, so right now, I know this sounds awful, but I can't even look at his pictures. I'm afraid the stress will hurt the baby. I still talk to him and go to his grave daily, but to think about all of our good memories and bad ones is just more than I can bear right now. Love in Christ, Angel Adam's mom.

Monday, October 18, 2004 6:00 PM CDT

Hi everyone,

I want to thankyou all for still getting on here and remembering Adam with me. Please don't forget to sign. I love to hear from you. This website has gotten me through so much. You people have been so good to us. Sometimes, when I feel like no one cares about Adam anymore, I get on here, and one of you have left the sweetest message. As the anniversary of his death comes closer, I am even more afraid that people will forget him. I love him and miss him so much. Thankyou all so much for all the prayers and support, and love that you have shown me on this website. It means the world to me. Love in Christ, Angel Adam's mom

Saturday, October 16, 2004 3:06 PM CDT

Hi Adam,

I went to your grave earlier, and the wind had blown your flowers out. Josh found some of them, but not all. It had also blown one of your pumpkins a little ways away. I hope everything is still there tomorrow. It is getting so cold out. You know mom, I hate cold. I like to just curl up with a blanket on these kind of days. Everywhere I look, I see things that remind me of you. I hear songs that remind me of you. It is so hard to believe that it has almost been a year since you left us. I mean somedays it seems like forever since you left me, but when I think about how on November 5 of last year, they told us you were going to die, and I had to look into your little face and tell you that you were going to be an angel, it seems like yesterday. That was the hardest thing I have ever done, besides leaving you at the hospital and putting you in the ground. I love you so much pumpkin! And miss you with all my heart. Love mama.
I have a drs. appointment this week Adam so please watch over mama and the baby.

Thursday, October 14, 2004 4:58 PM CDT

Halelujuia, and Praise the Lord again! He exceeded my prayers! 1814 was my HCG today. Thankyou God! It was supposed to double, and it more than doubled. Thankyou God, soooooooooooo much! Thankyou all so much for the prayers, they are so greatly appreciated!

Now about my Adam,
I miss him more each day. He was my little sweetheart. The holidays coming up are going to be very hard. I know that Adam talked to Jesus, and asked him to let me get pregnant over the holidays so that I would have something good to focus on. Adam loved Halloween. Last year he compartmentalized all of his candy bars into baggies. Reeses were on top and then snickers, he loved those two. He still had almost all of it left when he left us, and I couldn't bear to throw it away, or let the other boys eat it, because that would have made him terribly mad, so I gave it to my nephews. I miss his sweet smile. The way he would always help my mom when we came back from trick or treat. He loved to give out the candy to the little kids.
I know that he would have loved the party that we are having at the daycare center. He would have wanted to help me with the games. Adam loved kids.

Dearest Adam,
I miss you so much sweetheart! and I love you just as much! Thankyou for talking to Jesus and putting in a good word for me. It means so much to mama. Your the best! Please watch over this baby and be it's guardian angel. I love you more than all the jelly beans in the world! Tell Angel Mitch that his mama needs a word put in for her as well. You boys have fun up there! Love, mama.

Tuesday, October 12, 2004 2:49 PM CDT

Oh sweet, sweet Adam thankyou so very much for putting in a good word for me with Jesus! I know how happy you would be to have another baby brother or sister. You were so good with Joshua. You always called him Joshy. When he was a baby you would say come to bubby. I guarantee to you that this child will know who you are, and how good you were. I love you so much sweetboy. You are my hero.
I love you more than all the jellybeans in the world! And I miss you so much! Love mama

Thanks everyone for all the kind words! The first blood test went great! My HCG level was 870. They will do another test on Thursday, and if it has doubled they won't worry about doing another one. Please keep those prayers up! I love you all! Love in Christ, Angel Adam's mom.

Monday, October 11, 2004 6:46 PM CDT

Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord! Praise the Lord! I am pregnant!
I am scared to put this on here, because I am afraid of jinxing myself, but you all have been so good to me, that I could not keep it from you. Thankyou all so very much for your prayers! I wouldn't be pregnant with out them. Please continue to pray for me and this pregnancy, I will be going through alot of blood test the next two weeks to make sure that this is not a tubal pregnancy. I am praying so hard. The whole thing is a miracle! The very fact that I can get pregnant again is a miracle from God, and I am so eternaly grateful. I have to say it again Praise the Lord! and please pray for a friend of mine named Abbie, who is also trying to get pregnant after losing her son and havin a reversal. Love in Christ, Angel Adam's mom.

Thursday, October 7, 2004 8:20 PM CDT

I went into Hallmark the other day, and they had the neatest picture frames. They were made of wood, and the inside had names written in wood. There was only a few made up, but guess whose was one of them? You guessed it! Adam. I knew it was a sign from him to me, and I bought it for my desk at work. Hallmark reminds me of Adam. But then everything does. I love yankee candles, and he used to smell them with me. Now Josh has taken over that role, but he is a little to forceful. He shoves the candle right into my nose for me to smell it. There are so many things that remind me of my wonderful boy. I can still hear the way that he would say Gabby's name, and every time that I take a bath, I think of him. He loved to soak in the bathtime, partly because for so many years he could not take a real bath. He had to be wrapped in suran wrap, because of the catheter in his chest. The first time that he took a bath, after he had them removed, he smiled from ear to ear, and that smile and his nose and mouth were the only thing sticking out of the water, he had totaly submerged everything else. Thankyou to all of you who still sign. Love in Christ, Angel Adam's mom.

Tuesday, October 5, 2004 3:39 PM CDT

This is an entry from Adam's journal.

Dear God,

I love you because you healed me from cancer. I love you god. God is great.

my prayer requests are: please make Taylor better.

I am sorry I worry so much. Thankyou for my parents.

Monday, October 4, 2004 5:05 PM CDT

Hi everyone,
N0t much to report today. I miss him I will always miss him, but thank God I work with a wonderful young girl named Candi, who lets me talk about him as much as I want. She is the one who bought the Cincinnatti Reds flag for his grave. She had a brother who died, and she saw what her parents went through, so she just lets me pour out my heart to her every day, and I thank God for her. People do not understand, but the worst thing that you can do for someone who is grieving, is to change the subject when they talk about their loved one. Just let them talk, and if they don't want to talk don't make them. I have been doubly blessed to have this website, with so many caring people who read it. Thank you so much! Our house is a disaster right now, but I know that it will be worth it when I see Adam's room, with all his treasures displayed. He took such wonderful care of his things! Shelly I would love to go out with you sometime. Thanks again to all who get on here and just listen to me vent. Love in Christ, Angel Adam's mom

Sunday, October 3, 2004 4:36 PM CDT

Sherrie,
Adam is buried in the cemetary on 309. If you go in the entrance that is right by the house on 309, and curve to the right and just keep going, he is on the right back towards the pine trees. I am very grateful that you took the time to check. That was very sweet of you. It means so much to me when I see someone there. I saw a little boy Adam's age there the other day and he was crying. Adam was a very special boy, who's life affected alot of people. Thankyou for thinking of him. Today was a pretty hard day, I don't know why, but it just is. I love you all, thanks for stopping by, Love in Christ, Angel Adam's mom.

Thursday, September 30, 2004 5:23 PM CDT

Every day when I wake up, my thoughts go straight to you.
I go through the motions of my life, pretending that everything is alright without you, but it is not. I keep praying all the time for God to send us a baby, so that we can have some joy. All of us. We know that we can never ever replace you, and we wouldn't even try, but to just have someone to hug and spend time with again, might help a little. Your brothers let me hug them a little more than they used to, but not like you did. They are so into their own lives, that I think they forget about us. I miss our talks. I miss you begging me to make tacos. I go through the grocery store, and look with longing at the things that I used to buy for you. I still have your hamburger helper that I bought you last November in my cabinet, no one likes it but you, and I can't bring myself to throw it away. Your toothbrush still sits in the toothbrush holder, because it still has your DNA on it. No one is aloud to wash your pillow, because their might still be a hair of yours on it. I know that I sound crazy Adam, but I can't help it these things are all that I have left. I found the reeds to your saxophone yesterday, and got all teary eyed. I remember when I went and got it for you. It was just a month before you got sick, and you wanted to be in the band so bad. I brought it to school while you were in class, and you got the biggest smile on your handsome face. You never got much of a chance to play it though. I am so sorry punkin! I love you and miss you so much. Love, mama.

Tuesday, September 28, 2004 4:41 PM CDT

Hi everyone,

Not much here to say, except that I miss Adam. We have been very busy with the house, Doug working on the addition, and me cleaning up after him. Last week I put up the insulation, and fell off the ladder. I am such a ditz. I was sitting in the corner where I fell, whining about my ankle which I fell on, when Joshua comes over and says in a little sing songy voice: my mom is such a clutz, she fell off the ladder like a putz. I had to laugh. It brought back all the times that Adam laughed at something he did, and he would say "Josh you should be a comedian." Work is alright. It keeps me busy, but I still feel so empty. Thanks to all of you who still sign, that means so much! Love in Christ, Angel Adam's mom.

Saturday, September 25, 2004 7:28 AM CDT

Hi everyone,

Thankyou all so much for still getting on this website and remembering Adam with me. It means more than you will ever know. I am going to go to his grave today and decorate it for halloween. Last year at trick or treat, Adam had just got his shots, and his legs were hurting so bad that he couldn't walk much, so I carried him almost the whole way. He was Zorro. It will be very hard to take Josh this year. Adam loved "trick or treat". His very first time, he was 2 and I had bought him a little gray sweatshirt, that looked like a mouse. It had ears on the hood, and a big long tail on the pants, and the shirt said "around here I am the big cheese". I was just looking at that picture yesterday. He looked so cute. I wish that our scanner worked, so I could put it on here. I am going to have to invest in a new one soon. We went to Steak N Shake last night, and of course he was on my mind. The last time that we had been there, was with my parents, and Adam was so happy. I love him and miss him so much, but I am so glad that all his earthly struggles are over. Thanks again for getting on here! I love ya all. Angel Adam's mom.

Tuesday, September 21, 2004 3:29 PM CDT

I went to your grave today and talked to you, just like I always do. I brought you flowers like I always do on the anniversary of your return to Heaven. I hope you hear me when I talk to you. I hope you know how much I love you and miss you in my life. You were my world. I always thought that if I lost you, I would just shrivel up and die, but I lost you, and I didn't die on the outside, only on the inside. It is so hard to explain to other people that have not lost a child, how hard this truly is. For 8 years you and I were joined at the hip. I gave you your 17 meds every day. I woke up every morning and thanked God that you were still here with me. At night sometimes you would knock on my door, and come in to sleep with me. I do not know how many times you and I went to the clinic together and out to eat. We had so many wonderful conversations. You were the one who would let me know when I had ordered too much on QVC. You weren't mean about it, you just would let me know that dad would probably get mad if I ordered anything else. Do you remember how many times we would go to the gift shop at the hospital and look at all the toys, and how you never had to ask, just the look on your face could get you a toy. I always felt so bad for the things that you had to go through. The other moms would go out during spinal taps and bone marrow biopsies, but not me. You wanted me there, and I could not bear to leave you alone, even though it killed me to watch you go through those painful procedures, especialy the five years that you couldn't have anything for the pain. Oh, Adam you were my very best friend, and I miss you with all my heart. I am trying to be a better mom to your brothers, to not yell so much about the little things. I am trying to be more like you. Love mama

Sunday, September 19, 2004 7:56 PM CDT

Hi all,
The boys are sitting here watching "Major Payne", and all I can do is think of Adam. He loved this show, and even when he was sick in December he was doing parts from it at the kitchen table. I have him on tape laughing like Major Payne. "Heh, heh, heh" Oh how I miss that boy! He brought so much to our lives. I cried myself to sleep the other night, asking God to give Doug and I some sign from Adam that he is okay, and that he forgives us for the things that we did not always do right. Doug and I both got the sweetest dreams sent to us that night, where we were both talking to Adam and asking him about Heaven. He told us that he was good, but disapeared when he was asked about Heaven. I guess that there are some things that God wants to keep a mystery. Thank you Lord for those dreams! That gave us some peace. Notice how I say some. I have come to realize, that I will never have true peace and happiness again, until I see Adam. I want to thank you all for your prayers for Lakota, she is home now, Thank God! Please continue to pray for a complete healing on earth for her. I love you all, and thank you so much for remembering our special Adam with me. Love in Christ, Angel Adam's mom.

Wednesday, September 15, 2004 8:04 PM CDT

Hi everyone,

I haven't been signing on here every day, because I too run out of things to say. I know that you all must get tired of hearing me whine and complain about how much I miss Adam, so I try not to write when I am feeling my lowest. I had a wonderful revalation today at his grave though. I was sitting there thinking as I always do, what could I have done that was so bad, that God punished me by taking away my son? And out of nowhere I heard a voice saying, "Maybe you should not think of it as what could I have done to deserve this punishment?" and start looking at it like "what did I do that was so great that I was blessed enough to have a little boy as special as Adam? Even though it was for a short time, I was blessed beyond measure. If God had told me from the very beginning, that he was going to give me this wonderful little boy, who would teach me the gift of love and compassion and show me how to truly enjoy every little thing that God has given me, but I would only have him for 11 years, I still would have had him. He was an incredible little boy, and I do not understand why he had to endure everything that he did, but I know without a doubt where he is, and that God looked him in the eye, and said, Well done my good and faithful servant. That is the greatest honor that we can ever get is to look into our Savior's face, and hear him say those words, and my little boy earned that honor at the age of 11! What does that say about him? It says that he was and always will be a much better person than his mom or dad, and we must strive to be as good as he was, to see him again. I love you so much Adam Douglas! You are my hero! Love, mama
Thankyou so much, for those of you who still get on here.
Love, angel Adam's mom.

Tuesday, September 14, 2004 3:38 PM CDT

AN ANGEL'S TOUCH

PLEASE COME TOUCH MY HEART IF ONLY FOR A MOMENT.
TO REMIND ME OF YOUR LIFE THAT STIRRED DEEP INSIDE MINE.
TO BRING BACK YOUR BEAUTY, MY FAITH AND MY WISHES,
JUST ONE MOMENT I ASK FOR.
IS THAT TOO MUCH?

A TIME TO TELL YOU ALL THAT YOU MEAN TO ME,
YOUR FAMILY, MY LIFE, ALL OUR DREAMS.
A BRUSH OF YOUR CHEEK, A TOUCH OF YOUR FINGERS, YOUR EYES INTO MINE, A SMILE FILLED WITH LOVE.
THIS MOMENT TO TELL YOU YOU'RE LOVED. YOUR REMEMBERED.


A SECOND TO HOLD YOU, JUST A SHORT KISS,
JUST ONE MOMENT------- YOU'D COME, AND REMIND ME--------
YOU ARE HERE, AND ALWAYS WILL BE. IN MY HEART, AND MANY OTHERS, YOU LOVE AND LEAVE THOSE KISSES SO THAT I'LL BE AT PEACE WITH THIS MOMENT I'VE STOLEN. AND I'LL SMILE, AND SURELY CRY,
FOR ALL THAT I'VE MISSED.
ANGELA MCKENNY

Saturday, September 11, 2004 7:37 PM CDT

Hi all,

I didn't get off work in time to make it for the rally. I had reminded them that I needed off early the day before, and they said fine, but they forgot, so I didn't get there until 12:55, and they were taking everything down. There was a reception inside however and Amy and I went in and got to see Adam's picture on the quilt. It was beautiful! But how could it not be? It's Adam after all. I got to talk to Dr. Kathy and thank her again for staying with us through Adam's last few hours. There were times when I was extremely angry with her, but in the end she made up for them all, by coming in on her day off to be with Adam in his final hours, and she made sure that he had no pain, for that I am forever greatful to her and God. I also talked to his radiation doctor, DR. Bauer. She is a very special lady, who always came in with puppet of a monkey wrapped around her body. His name was Dr. Fuzz. When Adam was younger, he just loved that monkey. I started crying when I was thanking her, and she patted my arm with the monkeys hand. What a wonderful heart she has. We met alot of Dr's over the years, and I must tell you, I wasn't impressed with very many of them's bedside manner. I often wondered why they were working with children. But not Dr. Bauer, she was wonderful with the kids. Anyway, we stayed for a little bit and got our T-shirts and refreshments, but I was very disappointed that I missed the rally.
Today we went to the Honda festival, and of course all we could think of was the fun that Adam had last year there, and how healthy he was. I am so glad that he had such a good year last year. We went and saw Brooks and Dunn, while the boys went to the Tony Hawk show.They are both very into skateboarding.They were disappointed that they did not get to get his autograph though. All in all it was a good day. Thank you all so much for still getting on here and remembering our Adam with us. We have met so many wonderful people through this website. We have truly been blessed! Thankyou so much for the caring and sharing you all do with me, Love in Christ, angel Adam's mom 4-ever

Thursday, September 9, 2004 2:57 PM CDT

Sweet Adam,
Mommy loves you, and I will surely be thinking about you tomorrow at the Childhood Cancer awareness Rally. I'm going in your memory baby. I want to put an end to this terrible disease! No one, let alone a child should have to go through what you did. I miss you so much! I get so mad all the time. I want people to miss you like I do, and yet I know that no one can possibly miss you as much as I do. You were my life. I Love you so much sweetboy! I hope you know that you are in all my thoughts. I pray that I will join you soon. That God will not make me wait years and years until we are reunited. Nobody understands how much it hurts to go on without you. I love ya baby, come visit me sometimes. Love, mama.

Tuesday, September 7, 2004 4:00 PM CDT

Adam I heard one of your favorite George songs the other day, and I just knew that you were sending it to me. I always hear these songs when I really need them, and I know that you are sending me messages. I love you sweetboy, more than all the jellybeans in the world! I left a candy necklace on your grave today, to pay you back for all the ones that I ate. Thanks for the song, Love, mama

I'm carrying your love with me
West Virginia down to Tennessee.
I'm moving with the good Lord's speed,
carrying your love with me.
Your my strength for goin on,
every moment that I have to be gone.
I have everything I'll ever need,
carrying your love with me.

Friday, September 3, 2004 6:16 PM CDT

Hi all,

Well as for the question of going to the fair, yes I am going to have to go three nights this week, but not for pleasure. I have to work at the daycares booth for 4 hrs one night, go to Johnathon's band show one night and work at the gates one night for the bandboosters. So yes I will be there, but I doubt if I will walk up by the rides, since that is what Adam loved so much. Josh doesn't want to go this year, and I am glad of that. Johnathon will just walk around with his friends on the nights that I am working, so hopefully it will not be too rough. It will be hard to see Adam's friends, so I hope I don't see too many of them. I know that sounds awful, but it is just bittersweet seeing those kids. I wish Adam could be one of them. I know that he is in a better place, but I still wish he was with me. Johnathon and Joshua do not want to spend any time with me at all anymore. They are all about being outside with their friends. I miss having my kids around me. Please do not ever take your children for granted. You have no idea how much we do take for granted.The little talks, the hugs, the kisses, just having them kiss you goodnight. I am forever greatful for the time that I had with Adam though. I wouldn't trade it for the world. Thanks to all of you who still get on here. Love in Christ, Holly

Monday, August 30, 2004 8:00 PM CDT

Dearest Adam,
I miss you so very, very much, and love you so much more than that. Every little thing reminds me of you. Like Diana said in her entry in the guestbook, when I think of the fair I think of you. I don't know how I will be able to go there without you. Last year I remember how they had this animal show, and the guy picked you to do a trick with the dog. He wanted you to lay across this girls lap, that you did not know, and have the dog do something. At first you being your shy self, wanted nothing to do with that, but then when he handed you a dollar you got that beautiful smile on your face and of course you did it. I love ya sweetboy, more than you will ever know. Love mama. What do we wish others understood about the loss of our child? Here
is a partial list of such wishes:




I wish you would not be afraid to speak my child’s name. My child
lived and was very important and I need to hear his name.

I wish you wouldn’t feel awkward if I mention his name.

If I cry or get emotional if we talk about my child, I wish you
knew that it isn’t because you hurt me: the fact that my child
died has caused
my tears. You have allowed me to cry and I thank you. Crying and
emotional outbursts are healing.

I wish you wouldn’t “kill” my child again by removing from your
home his picture, artwork, or other remembrances.

I will have emotional highs and lows, ups and downs. I wish you
wouldn’t think that if I have a good day my grief is all over, or
if I
have a bad day I need psychiatric counseling.

I wish you knew that the death of a child is different from other
losses and must be viewed separately. It is the ultimate tragedy
and I
wish you wouldn’t compare it to the loss of a parent, spouse or
pet.

Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn’t
shy away from me.

I wish you knew that all the “crazy” grief reactions that I am
having are in fact very normal. Depression, anger, frustration,
hopelessness, the questioning of values and beliefs are to be
expected following the death of a child.

I wish you wouldn’t expect my grief to be over in six months. The
first few years are going to be exceedingly traumatic for us.

As with alcoholics, I will never be “cured” or a “former bereaved
parent,” but will forever be a “recovering bereaved parent.”

I wish you understood the physical reaction to grief. I may gain
or lose weight, sleep all the time or not at all, lose my
short-term memory,
develop a host of illness and be accident prone, all of which may
be related to my grief.

Our child’s birthday, the anniversary of his death, and the
holidays are terrible times for us. I wish you could tell us that
you are
thinking about our children these days and if we get quiet and
withdrawn, just know that we are thinking about our child and
don’t try to
coerce us into being cheerful.

It is normal and good that most of us re-examine our faith, values
and beliefs after losing a child. We will question things we have
been
taught all our lives and hopefully come to some new understanding
with God. I wish you would let me tangle with my religion without
making me feel guilty.

I wish you understood that grief changes people. I am not the same
person I was before my child died, and I will never be that person
again.
If you keep waiting for me to get “back to my old self” you will
stay frustrated. I am a new creature, with new thoughts, dreams,
aspirations,
values and beliefs. Please try to get to know the “new me” — maybe
you will like me still.

Friday, August 27, 2004 2:58 PM CDT

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Couraget to accept the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Josh had his pictures taken today at school, and I was thinking about him at work, hoping that he had done his hair nice and had worn the shirt that I laid out for him and all the sudden the memory of last years pictures flashed in my mind. I remember telling Adam that I wanted a real smile, and not a fake one. When the pictures came in about a month later, he came to me with a big smile on his face, and handed them to me, and said "did I smile alright mom?" Gee how I miss those simple moments! His laughter his touch his smile. I miss you so much my sweet boy, and I love you more than all the jelly beans in the world. Love mama.

What do we wish others understood about the loss of our child? Here
is a partial list of such wishes:




I wish you would not be afraid to speak my child’s name. My child
lived and was very important and I need to hear his name.

I wish you wouldn’t feel awkward if I mention his name.

If I cry or get emotional if we talk about my child, I wish you
knew that it isn’t because you hurt me: the fact that my child
died has caused
my tears. You have allowed me to cry and I thank you. Crying and
emotional outbursts are healing.

I wish you wouldn’t “kill” my child again by removing from your
home his picture, artwork, or other remembrances.

I will have emotional highs and lows, ups and downs. I wish you
wouldn’t think that if I have a good day my grief is all over, or
if I
have a bad day I need psychiatric counseling.

I wish you knew that the death of a child is different from other
losses and must be viewed separately. It is the ultimate tragedy
and I
wish you wouldn’t compare it to the loss of a parent, spouse or
pet.

Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn’t
shy away from me.

I wish you knew that all the “crazy” grief reactions that I am
having are in fact very normal. Depression, anger, frustration,
hopelessness, the questioning of values and beliefs are to be
expected following the death of a child.

I wish you wouldn’t expect my grief to be over in six months. The
first few years are going to be exceedingly traumatic for us.

As with alcoholics, I will never be “cured” or a “former bereaved
parent,” but will forever be a “recovering bereaved parent.”

I wish you understood the physical reaction to grief. I may gain
or lose weight, sleep all the time or not at all, lose my
short-term memory,
develop a host of illness and be accident prone, all of which may
be related to my grief.

Our child’s birthday, the anniversary of his death, and the
holidays are terrible times for us. I wish you could tell us that
you are
thinking about our children these days and if we get quiet and
withdrawn, just know that we are thinking about our child and
don’t try to
coerce us into being cheerful.

It is normal and good that most of us re-examine our faith, values
and beliefs after losing a child. We will question things we have
been
taught all our lives and hopefully come to some new understanding
with God. I wish you would let me tangle with my religion without
making me feel guilty.

I wish you understood that grief changes people. I am not the same
person I was before my child died, and I will never be that person
again.
If you keep waiting for me to get “back to my old self” you will
stay frustrated. I am a new creature, with new thoughts, dreams,
aspirations,
values and beliefs. Please try to get to know the “new me” — maybe
you will like me still.

Tuesday, August 24, 2004 4:17 PM CDT

Hi all,

I don't have alot to say, except that I want to thank the ones of you who still get on here. And most of all the ones who leave messages. You do not know how much that means to me. I know that I am not the most uplifting person in the world, as a matter of fact, most times I am pretty depressing on here. It's just that, I don't feel like I am free to express my feelings anywhere else. I have to act like things are normal, when they aren't. Anyway, I want to thank you again for still remembering my Adam with me.
The last few days have been so hard. I miss him so much! I miss his sense of humor, and his smile and his beautiful eyes. Plain and simple, I just miss him. Love in Christ, Love mama

Sunday, August 22, 2004 1:35 PM CDT

Dearest Adam,
yesterday it was 8 months since you left us, it seems like years. Tomorrow your brothers start school. It seems so wrong that you will not be joining them. Last year you were so excited. I have been crying alot lately. It isn't right that I can't buy you school clothes this year, that you will never know what it is like to be in middle school. Johnathon will be in high school this year, and Josh in the 4th grade. You should be in the 6th. I love you so much sweetheart! I miss you. Love, mama

Friday, August 20, 2004 2:48 PM CDT

I'm sitting here watching my favorite soap opera, Guiding Light. As I am sitting here, I am thinking of my Adam. He used to love to watch this with me. Even when he was sick, the last time, and he couldn't really watch it because of his eye drooping, he was laying on the couch and I thought that he was sleeping, and all the sudden he says, Marah is being bad! He was listening, the little twirp! I love that boy so much! Every day when he didn't go to school, he would watch two episodes of Walker Texas Ranger, and then automaticaly turn it to Guiding light for me. I love you so much sweet boy! You were my shining light, and now that you are gone, I don't know what to do! I love ya, and miss ya more than all the jellybeans in the world! Love mama

Wednesday, August 18, 2004 4:34 PM CDT

Hi everyone,

Remember how I told you that i was going to the childhood cancer awareness rally this year? Well it is September 10th, and I would appreciate all of your prayers on that day! We need to raise people's awareness, so that we can raise funds for this nasty disease, that kills so many of our wonderful children! Please make a point of circling that day on your calender, and praying for us! We will be on the statehouse lawn. I will be wearing my "Adam" shirt. His picture is on the memorial quilt there. Also, I am going to form a team for relay for life this year, so if anyone wants to join my team, to walk in memory of Adam, and in honor of Lakota, please let me know. I need all the help that I can get. It only takes an hour of your time, and some pledges. I would crawl a thousand miles to find a cure for this disease! Once again, thankyou all so very much for getting on here still. Adam sent me a message last night, as I was sitting in my car waiting for Johnathon to come from band practice. He whispered to me "I'm still here". I smiled, because I know that he will always be "here" in my heart. I love ya sweetboy! Your the best! love mama

Tuesday, August 17, 2004 3:11 PM CDT

Well another day,

I was asked today, if I would like to go full time at the daycare, as a teacher for the toddlers. I agreed, so my hours are going to change to 6am to 2:30. It amazes me that the world keeps turning without my Adam. I miss him so much! I keep praying every day, to get pregnant, so that this whole family will have something to be joyful about. I know that nothing and no one can take the place of my Adam, but I would just love to be needed again. I can't explain this emptiness. It is overwhelming sometimes. When I am holding and comforting the babies at work, it is the only time that I feel like I am needed. Adam was my cuddlebug. He always liked to hug and be hugged by me. The other boys just put up with it, but they shrug away as soon as they can. Thankyou all of you who still get on here. I love you all. Love in Christ, Angel Adam's mom.

Saturday, August 14, 2004 5:05 PM CDT

Hello everyone,
The reason that I haven't signed for a few days, is because we left Wednesday afternoon for Gatlinburg TN. We just got back today. We were originaly going to Virginia Beach, but because of the hurricane we didn't go. They were supposed to get rain for 5 straight days. So anyway we went to Gatlinburg. We had been there twice before, once for our honeymoon, and a year later for our anniversary. But we took the kids for that one. Johnathon was 3 and Adam 1, Josh wasn't even a thought at that point. It had changed alot, and it rained alot, but it is still beautiful and we had as good a time as we could have without Adam. Everywhere we went, there was something that would remind us of him. We miss him sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much! Vacations are very, very, hard, but we try for the kids. We went hiking yesterday up the smoky mountains to Rainbow falls. On our way up, when we would run into hikers coming down, we would ask them how much longer, and they would keep saying you have a long way to go, but it is worth it. Yeah right! We hiked uphill for two and a half hours, on what we had believed to be a 2.7 mile hike! I had sandals on, because I had not packed anything else, and I have a whopping blister from all that climbing in soaking wet sandals! Then we get there, and yes it was beautiful, but 2and a half hours one way uphill beautiful? I don't think so. I have always thought myself in pretty good physical shape. I excercise regularly, watch what I eat, but let me tell you I ache today in places that I did not know I had! Joshua fell 3 times, so we had to listen to him, gripe and complain all the way down the mountain. "This stinkin mountain" I don't know why you had to take us on this stinkin hike" .........and so on and so forth. I thought once or twice, that Adam never would have made it, one of us would have ended up carrying him, because ever since the vincristine, his feet hurt alot. I remember when he was right out of transplant, and he still was very weak. My dad took him to Lawrence woods for a walk, and he took the wagon so that Adam could sit in it, but Adam insisted on walking the whole way, to "get my strength up". He was such a strong, brave little boy. Yesterday when I was walking down the mountain with my blister hurting, I thought "after all that kid went through, I will not whine over a blister"! He was, and will always be my hero!

Wednesday, August 11, 2004 2:02 PM CDT

Hi everyone,

I don't have much to say, except that I love Adam Kindell with all my heart, and I miss him just as much. My life is so empty without him.

Memories of my sweet Adam:

Adam and I did not argue very much, but the one thing that we probably argued the most about, was his bed. Most of the time he was very good, about doing whatever I asked him to do, but he would argue me up and down about making his bed. "Mom, he would say , It don't matter. I am just going to sleep in it tonight! And I would give him a stern look and say: Adam, you know that I like my house to look nice, and he would roll his eyes and call me a clean freak. And then he would make his bed. Oh he would complain about it while he was doing it, but he would do it. Thanks for the messages, they help. Love in Christ, Angel Adam's mom.

Monday, August 9, 2004 4:53 PM CDT

Hi everyone!
I found some film the other day, and took it in to be developed, and Praise the Lord they were some pictures from Florida! Thankyou Jesus! I get so excited, when I find a roll of film with Adam on it. Whatever you do, take lots of pictures of your children! Someday they may be all that you have left, like me. This picture was taken at the Disney Animal Kingdom park. The tree in the background isn't real, but it looks like it, and it has animals carved into it. The kids thought that it was real neat. I look at these pictures, and see how good he looks, and it breaks my heart. All down the tubes, because of immunizations! What a waste!
Anyway, I have good news! Lakota is at the Ronald Mcdonald House now. She still has clinic appointments every day, like we did when Adam was released to the appartment. She still is vomiting alot though, so continue to keep her in your prayers please. Thankyou all so much for the messages. I thank God and praise him that I have such wonderful friends! Love in Christ Jesus,
angel Adam's mom forever!

Friday, August 6, 2004 6:16 PM CDT

Hi sweetboy,

I miss you so very much sweetheart!
Today when I was at your grave, taking care of your flowers, a very nice lady walked up to me, and asked me if I was Adam's mom. I was very proud, to be able to say "yes I was". She said that she had lost her son when he was 12 years old, and she had seen me at your grave several times, and her heart just ached for me. I asked her if it ever got better, and she said no, you just get a little number. She was very sweet, and we had a very nice talk. It helps me to talk to other people, who have been through this maddness. My mom helps me, because she knows the utter emptiness that you feel, but mom does not understand the anger. I don't think my mom has ever stayed mad at anyone in her life. She is the sweetest person in the world! Daddy is angry at God, and so is Johnathon, but not me, I was but not anymore. I however, am mad at everyone else. I am mad that other peoples lives go on and I am stuck forever in December 21st, when my whole world fell apart. You know that you and I had such a wonderful connection. We were kindred spirits. I keep praying that you and Jesus will find it in your hearts to bless us with another baby. This family needs some joy. We all know that babies come from Heaven, and you will be sending me the perfect baby I am sure. You loved babies so much! I can never replace you, and I wouldn't want to. I just need someone to need me again. I am so lost without you! I love you so much punkin! More than all the jellybeans in the world! Love, mama

Wednesday, August 4, 2004 3:58 PM CDT

Hello everyone,
I want to thankyou once again for still getting on here, and thinking of us. I had to go to the hospital today to get my test done, to see if it is for sure kidney stones. Anyway, the whole time I was there, all I could think of was Adam. He and I would go in almost every week for awhile in town to get his bloodcounts done, and they would fax them to Children's for us. It seemed so wrong to be sitting there without him. And then as I was lying on the x-ray table with the I.V. sticking out of my arm for an hour, I thought of all the tests and procedures he had in his short little life. Way too many. I do not understand why he had to go through all that, just to end up dying. But on another note, I had a dream last night of him, and it was this last time, and we had chosen the chemo, which they had said would eventually leave him paralyzed and like an alzeimers patient. And in my dream I remember feeling that paralyzing fear, that I felt for almost 8 years, that even though we had done everything we could, it could come back at anytime. I woke up with that fear, and remembered that Adam was in the arms of Jesus, and nothing could ever hurt him again. Even though I miss him with all my heart, and my life is so empty without him, I am glad that he is free from cancer forever, and no one can ever poke of prod him ever again! Thank you God for that! I love you, for making my baby whole even though I don't care for the way you went about it! Love, angel Adam's mom.

Tuesday, August 3, 2004 6:30 PM CDT

Hi sweet boy!
Mama loves you so much, and misses you just as much! Johnathon was just looking at your website with me, and he said he loved your picture with the mac and cheese, because it was your favorite meal for awhile. You were on a real kick there for a while, and then it was tacos. When you were on steroids it was chicken mcnuggets. We went to a mcdonalds and asked them especially to make you some nuggets, for breakfast. At first they told us no, but when we told them about you being sick and on steroids, and it being the only thing that you would eat, they made you a bunch of them! And porkrinds! when you were on decadron, it was bbq porkrinds and milk. I always thought that was a weird combination. Do you see me sitting by your grave every day, eating my lunch. We had so many lunches together, you and I. I go to KFC alot, as that was one of your favorites. I love you so much sweetheart! Thanks for the dream last night! Love, mama

Monday, August 2, 2004 4:32 PM CDT

Hi everyone,
I am very sorry if I hurt anyone yesterday. It was not intended for anyone on here I assure you. I just need to get things off my chest sometimes. Everyone on this website has been so nice to us and our family. At the VBS program the other evening, they had a video clip of the kids at Bible school, and at the end it said "In loving memory of Adam Douglas Kindell" and then they showed his picture. It was so sweet of them! Adam loved bible school so much! Thanks to everyone that was a part of that! You will never know what that means to this family.

memories of Adam:

The thing that I remember most about Adam, is that he asked questions all the time. No matter what you were doing, he asked questions. He was always wanting to know more. Sometimes it drove me crazy, I admit, but oh how I miss those questions now. He also loved babies, today I was holding a baby at the center, that is 6 weeks old, and I could not help but think of the day that I had my cousin bring her baby (Landon) over so that Adam could hold him. We had just found out that he was dying, and I knew that a baby would cheer him up. I am going to try to put that picture on here, and hopefully my scanner will cooperate.
Thankyou again for all the loving and caring messages that you leave, and for putting up with me.
Love in Christ,
Angel Adam's mom

Sunday, August 1, 2004 5:28 PM CDT

I have some things to say, and I hope no one takes offense, but I have to say it. It was brought to my attention the other day that people get frustrated with me, because I say that I am just glad people still think of him. Let me tell you something, whenever I run into family or friends, they always ask me about Johnathon and Joshua (are they excited about school?)How they are dealing with the loss of Adam? Everytime someone asks about them, and does not mention Adam, it is like a slap in the face. I know that people can not ask me how he is anymore, but they can still say : And how are you and Doug doing, or say something about Adam's grave. At least acknowledge that I have another child. Most of the time I feel so very alone in my grief. Doug grieves, but it is not the same as that of a mother. He has a peice of my heart, and he always will. I can not kiss Adam anymore. I can not hug Adam anymore. I can not brush the hair off of his forehead. I can however talk of him and keep him alive. I have a few friends and family, that I can talk of Adam with open and honestly. This website is my outlet. You people that get on here and sign this webpage have become my therapy. Thankyou for still listening to my whining. Losing a child is completely different from any other loss, it is like dying slowly every day. My mother lost my brother when he was 10, and she said that when her parents died, her siblings fell apart, and she felt sad, but nothing like she did when Randy died. After your child dies, you look at things and think nothing worse can happen to me except to lose another one. Johnathon and Joshua are wonderful little boys, but they are not Adam. He could not fill the void that would be there if I lost one of them, and they cannot fill the void that he has left. I hug them, I kiss them, I do my best by them, I assure you, but I always feal like a big part of me is missing. Thankyou all so much for still getting on here.
Love angel Adam's mom.

Friday, July 30, 2004 1:55 PM CDT

Little Angel

I wil not forget you,
little angel, precious child
I think about you every day
The love we shared, your smile
I think about the happy times
And not about the sad
And I treasure every memory
of the special times we had
I'm leaning on God's promise
Someday we will be
together in heaven
Where the best is yet to be.

The reason that I have not been putting new pictures on of Adam, is because my scanner has been broke for quite awhile now, so as soon as it is fixed, I will put new pictures on here.Thanks for still getting on here. Love, angel Adam's mom.

Thursday, July 29, 2004 3:33 PM CDT

Hi all,
Thankyou for still getting on here. I really appreciate it. I don't have much time to journal on here tonight, as it is very hectic with work and bible school. I had to go to the doctor today, and that just messed up my whole schedule. Linda, I got your package today, thankyou very much! If anything can bring a smile to my face it is Elvis. I had a really bad day, I went to the doctor thinking that I just had a bad infection and that is where the pain in my back was coming from, and found out that it is probably kidney stones. I don't have time for kidney stones. Thanks to all who leave messages! Love in Christ, Angel Adam's mom

Wednesday, July 28, 2004 2:01 PM CDT

Hi all,
this picture was taken at Camp Berry, a boy scout camp. Adam's troup went there one saturday morning and played games and did archery and stuff. Adam's best friend, Brady was holding the donut in the picture, and Adam was trying to catch it. I remember that day as a fun day, with all the boys, and out of all three boys Joshua was the only one who got a bullseye. Adam liked shooting the bb guns the best. That boy loved guns, and playing army. Every time that Brady and Alex would come down, he would talk them into playing army. I would hear them in the backyard calling out things they had learnt in movies. Adam would be the one yelling "Fire in the hole", or "I won' leave a wounded man". He really got into it. That is why it was so appropriate that in the end, God sent him soldiers to take him home.
I love you sweetboy! I sure do miss your smile!

Thankyou to all of you who still get on here. I really appreciate it. I have a question. Someone left an Ohio State basketball in Adam's flowers on his grave. If you know who did that will you please let me know? I would love to thank them! Thanks again, I love ya all.
Love in Christ, Angel Adam's mom

Tuesday, July 27, 2004 11:44 AM CDT

Dear sweet Adam,
Bible school is just not the same without you sweetheart. I miss looking back and seeing your beautiful smile. I was talking to Pastor Denny last night, and I told him that last year you were so excited, because it was the first year that you ever had perfect attendance. There were a few years that you could not go at all, because of your counts or hospitalization. I am trying very hard not to cry as I watch the other children singing. You loved to sing praises to God. I know that I am being selfish, but mommmy just misses you so very much! I told Denny, that I am still waiting for it to get better, but in all honesty, I know that it never will. I remember when you were a baby, and you always had to have your pacifier, or you and everyone around you was miserable. And it could not just be any pacifier, no, it had to be a mickey mouse nuk. We would lose them around the house, and would pay Johnathon quarters to find them. Then when Josh was born, and you were two, I took it away, and every time I went out of the room, you would grab Josh's out of his mouth, and pop it into yours, and Josh would start crying. I knew without even going in there, what you had done. I love you so much, sweetboy! Not a minute goes by that I do not think of you and ache for you. I truly believe that saying that when a child dies, the pain the child was feeling is passed to the parent. I feel so empty without you! Love, mama

Sunday, July 25, 2004 6:43 PM CDT

When Adam would watch his Reds games, he would get out the airpopper and pop a big bowl of popcorn. He would then cover it in cheddar cheese powder and butter. He never ate that whole big bowl, but he always thought that he had to have that big of bowl. Anyway, he would sit down on the couch with his pillow and blanket and popcorn, and settle in to watch the Reds. His favorite player was Sean Casey, and he also liked Adam Dunn quite a bit. I think it had something to do with the name. He loved baseball! He and Joshua and Johnathon went outside all the time in the backyard and played baseball. Adam was not a very fast runner, because of all that he had been through, but he tried. He never let anything get him down. I would look outside, and see him running those bases, and I would pray that he would someday be able to run faster and have more stamina. I know that he is running the bases in heaven at full speed, and that he is saying "Look at me mom! Look at me!
I love you so very much sweetboy! You are the strongest, bravest, little boy that I know! I love you and miss you bunches! Love mom!

Thursday, July 22, 2004 2:18 PM CDT

Sweet memories of Adam:

When Adam was first diagnosed with leukemia, he had to spend alot of time in and out of the hospital. All of the doctors and nurses just loved him. He had such beautiful white blonde hair, and blue eyes, and he took his medicines, which is of course why they loved him. But anyway, when we first started going to Children's there was two floors for the hem-onc unit, the 5th and the 6th. The fifth had a tiny playroom, and the 6th had a big one. From our very first visit there, Adam used the playroom as a retreat from all the painful treatments. It didn't matter what time it was, he would grab his I.V pole, and my hand, and lead me to the toyroom. They had lot's of playfood in the 6th floor playroom, and that is where he chose to go. So we would get a pass from the nurse, and go play Mcdonalds. He would fix me all kinds of food, and I had to pretend to eat it all. We spent hours in that playroom pretending to eat plastic chicken nuggets. I miss those times. I can still see my little 3 year old Adam, IV pole in hand making me chicken nuggets. He was so little when he was diagnosed, that he did not know any other life than IV poles and chemo. When we told him that he was going to die, he said: let's try more chemo. What a fighter! I miss you sweetboy! But I am so glad that you are finaly whole and happy! Thankyou for teaching me how to make lemonade from lemons, and most of all for teaching me how to love. Love, mama.

Wednesday, July 21, 2004 12:10 AM CDT

Seven months ago today Adam left me and went to be with Jesus. I miss him so much! I remember holding him in my arms that day, and feeling his spirit leave that little body. I knew he was gone, before the doctor announced it. I was talking to my neighbor last night about Adam. He used to go over there to see her little grandson Kade. He just loved little ones.I told her that everyone keeps saying that it will get better, but it hasn't yet, in fact it is worse. She said people are just trying to make you feel better, it never does get better, you just learn to deal with it. I think she is right about that. I am always going to know as soon as I wake up, that a huge part of me is gone. I am always going to look at other kids his age, and wonder why he can't be growing like them. I have started to accept that my life here on this earth with Adam is over, and the only way that I will ever get to see him again, is in heaven. Accepting does not make it any easier though. Adam should be going to middle school this year. He should be having fun with his friends. Thankyou to all who still sign. Thankyou Diana for the card every month. You will never know how much it means, Love in Christ, Jesus, angel
Adam's mom 4-ever

Monday, July 19, 2004 8:06 PM CDT

Hi everyone,
I have been very busy with bibleschool stuff, and the house and all. I am trying really hard to keep busy, so I don't think so much. The thinking gets me in trouble. I miss him so much, but I am trying to focus on doing what Adam would want me to do, and that is help others with this disease. Adam never stopped fighting. He lived every day to it's fullest, and I have to make him proud. Anyway, September is childhood cancer awareness month, and I am going to go to Columbus this year for the rally, and do what I can to help. Too many of these children are dying every day, and we need to do our part in helping towards a cure. It is my dream, that some day there will be no childhood cancer. Thanks to all who still get on here I relly appreciate it . Love in Christ, angel Adam's mom forever.

Sunday, July 18, 2004 7:28 PM CDT

Hi sweet angelboy,
Mama needs a hug. Will you send one down to me please! I love you so much, and miss you just as much! Pretty soon you will have your own room for all of your stuff! We are going to put up a Cincinnatti Reds border, and put your cars that you collected on shelves. We still have not found you a Honda Element, but we will. Gabby was in sniffing at your dresser the other day. She misses you too! I love you bubby. More than all the jellybeans in the world. Love in Christ, Mama

Friday, July 16, 2004 1:54 PM CDT

I cannot believe that it is almost time for us to go school shopping again. I remember last year. Adam was very excited, and at the same time very scared to be going back to school after being out for a year and a half for transplant. He and I went shopping together, the other boys didn't care to go, but Adam always did like to shop for clothes. He liked to pick out his own stuff, and he had good taste too. He was a preppy dresser, not into the grunge like Johnathon is. (I am hoping that will change now that he is in high school.) Anyway he and I went, and I remember his beautiful smile, when he realized that he got to pick out a bunch of clothes. He kept saying "are these all for me? I remember also him reminding me that I did not buy him a pretzel in the mall, like I had said I would. I had forgot. He didn't care though. He was happy with his clothes. I can still remember how scared I was that he would cry for me like he had in the past, but he didn't, not at all. He got on the bus like the big boy that he was, and I was the one crying. I was just so happy to see him be normal again. Who knew a year from then I would be visiting his grave. It isn't right! Adam's mom.

Thursday, July 15, 2004 6:10 PM CDT

Hi everyone,
Thankyou all so very much for still getting on here and remembering Adam with me. I know I say that alot, but I mean it, it means so much. Sometimes it just seems so unreal to me that Adam is gone. It seems like my life with him was a lifetime ago, and not just 6 and a half months. Every day I try to remember his touch, his smell, the feel of his arms around me. Those things elude me, but I can still hear his laugh, as vivid as if he were with me. I can still see his smile, and I remember exactly what his skin was like. He was very fair, and he had to wear sunblock all the time, so the tannest that he ever got was when we were in Florida. That is why I like his school picture from last year, because he had a nice tan. Our little neighbor boy, just came over, (he is 8, his sister is Jessie, the little blind girl that Adam loved so much). Anyway he asked me how I was doing, and I told him, that I was alright, but I miss my Adam, and he said; yeah, I got his favorite song. I didn't know that he knew Adam's favorite song, so I asked him what song he was talking about, and he said"Good Morning Beautiful", when I was at your house last summer, he just kept singing that song over and over, so I bought it". I thought that was so sweet! Adam did like that song alot, it was not his favorite, but he liked pretty much all country music. It is still hard for me to believe that it goes on without him. That is something that we always did was sing with the radio on our way to Columbus for treatments. Thanks again for still getting on here. We love you all! Love in Christ, Angel Adam's mom 4ever.
To Adam:
Not a day goes by
that I don't think of you.
After all this time,
I still miss you
It's true.
Somehow you remain,
locked deep down inside,
baby, oh baby,
Not a day goes by.

I love you, sweetboy! And miss you more each day.

Tuesday, July 13, 2004 4:20 PM CDT

Dear Sweet Adam,
I love you so much! I want to thank you for the signs that you have been sending me lately! Everywhere I go, your name is right there in front of me. I was reading a pet magazine today, and there was the name Adam. I couldn't believe it, there are several things in there under the brand name Adam's. I was looking for hotels this weekend, and I never knew that there were hotels named Adams suites. Your everywhere, sweetboy! Your every breath I take, every step I make. I love you so much! Thankyou so much God for letting me be his mother!
Love, Mama

Dear friends,
thankyou so very much for all the love and support! I know that I have been very selfpitying lately, and I am sorry. I will try harder. Thankyou all for still getting on here. I didn't update yesterday, because our phones were out. Imagine this the phone guy said that it looked like an animal had chewed on the phoneline. (Could it have been a yellow lab named Gabby) BINGO! Love in Christ, Angel Adam's mom 4-ever

Tuesday, July 13, 2004 4:20 PM CDT

Dear Sweet Adam,
I love you so much! I want to thank you for the signs that you have been sending me lately! Everywhere I go, your name is right there in front of me. I was reading a pet magazine today, and there was the name Adam. I couldn't believe it, there are several things in there under the brand name Adam's. I was looking for hotels this weekend, and I never knew that there were hotels named Adams suites. Your everywhere, sweetboy! Your every breath I take, every step I make. I love you so much! Thankyou so much God for letting me be his mother!
Love, Mama

Dear friends,
thankyou so very much for all the love and support! I know that I have been very selfpitying lately, and I am sorry. I will try harder. Thankyou all for still getting on here. I didn't update yesterday, because our phones were out. Imagine this the phone guy said that it looked like an animal had chewed on the phoneline. (Could it have been a yellow lab named Gabby) BINGO! Love in Christ, Angel Adam's mom 4-ever

July 11th, 2004

We are back! We went to Columbus Friday with the kids, went to Magic Mountain, stayed overnight at a hotel, went to wyandot lake the next day for Johnathon's 15th birthday, stayed again at the hotel, and got up this morning and went to the zoo. The kids had a great time, and I enjoyed being with them, but I cannot tell you the emptiness without Adam. Everything we did I would think Adam would have loved this. There is a baby elephant at the zoo, and that was Adam's favorite animal. I would see skinny little boys in baseball hats, and I would think of him. I try to describe the emptiness, but there are no words. Every day my life was filled with him, taking him to doctors, laughing with him, playing with him, consoling him when he could not do the same things that other kids could. Last night in our hotel bed, all I could think of was his last day, his last hour, and weather or not he felt the pain. Most days I just try not to think about it, because it is too painful, but then I get mad at myself, and think, Adam could not take a break from his pain. Every day I made him pray for hisself, and every day he would say: Please Lord, please take this pain from my legs, because it hurts so bad, Lord. Please Lord!
It just breaks my heart! People say move on have fun, enjoy the kids you have left, and I try really hard, but unless you have been in this situation, you just do not know how hard it is to get up every day, and go through the motions. I am very thinkful for my other 2 children, but they can't replace Adam, just like he wouldn't have been able to replace them. Angel Adam's mom

Tuesday, July 6, 2004 6:05 PM CDT

Hi all,
thankyou so very much for the beautiful messages! I appreciate them. I just got back from the cemetary. I have been taking Joshua, and letting him ride his bike while I walk. Afterward we sat at Adam's grave and talked about how we missed him, and how much we love him. People don't bring him up in conversation anymore, so I feel as if I have to mention him all the time. I do not understand how I am supposed to not talk about him. I am such a basket case! I cried the other day just because the boys wouldn't go to the fireworks with me. Adam would have went. And I get so sick of people saying how I should feel. I yelled at my dad last week for treating me normal. He said "you are normal" and I said no I am not normal, and i will never be normal again. A very big part of my life is gone, and I deal with it by talking about him. If I didn't I think I would go insane! Talking about him keeps him alive. Everything I do everywhere I go, he is in my heart and my mind, and I always want to keep it that way. I never want to forget his smile, or the way that he used to hug me around the waist, and tell me that I was the best mommy ever. I am directing our bible school again this year, and all I can think of was the way that he was so happy that he got to go last year all five days! He had never been able to do that before. And how he loved to sing all the songs. He was a very special young man, and I miss him with all my heart. Love, Adam's mom.

Sunday, July 4, 2004 3:10 PM CDT

Another holiday without Adam. I hate them. I know that is awful, but I hate holidays without him. I think that we will probably go to the fireworks tonight. The boys love them, and we haven't seen them for 2 years. Last year we were in Florida, and the year before that transplant. The boys did get to see them last night in West Mansfield with my parents, when Doug and I went out for our anniversary. Doug and the boys are at Gregs house right now for a family bbq. I wanted them to go and have fun, but I just couldn't bring myself to go. Adam loved Gregs pond. He loved to go fishing there with daddy and grandpa. I just find it hard to celebrate without Adam. All through his illness, if he couldn't eat all day, because of a surgery, then Doug and I didn't eat. If he couldn't swim, because of a broviac, then none of us swam. The boys would go to the pool with family or friends, but I would not let them swim in front of Adam. It wasn't fair. We would find other things to do that he could do. Alot of times we wrapped his chest in saran wrap, and let them all run through the sprinkler.
Alot of people thought that wasn't fair to the other kids, but they were constantly at my sister-in-laws swimming in the pond when Adam was in the hospital. Anyway, I still feel that way, I feel like why should I go down there and have fun, when Adam can't . I know it is crazy, because he is having fun in heaven, but I can't see him doing it. Saturday is Johnathon's fifteenth birthday, and I am trying to think of something special to do for him. I think that we might go to Wyandot lake and let him take a friend. He wants one of those electric scooters, so that is probably what he will get. I don't know, it scares me. I came home from work the other day, and saw him and Josh on the roof with their dad, and it just gave me chills. I can't lose another one. They are good boys, and they have been talking about Adam more now. Remembering things that I myself have forgotten. Johnathon has gotten very bitter with God, and that scares me. He blames God for not saving Adam, so please pray for him. I was angry too, but we can't stay angry, we have to move on. If it wasn't for God sacrificing his own Son for us, I wouldn't be able to see mine again, so how can we be angry?
I am sorry, I am rambling, I am just emotionaly drained. I love you all for your support. Love in Christ Jesus, Angel Adam's mom.

Friday, July 2, 2004 12:02 AM CDT

Hi my sweetboy!
Mama loves you and misses you so very much! Please know that not a moment goes by that you are not in my thoughts. I talk about you all the time at work, and I took your picture video in today, for one of the girls that I work with to see. She said that you had adorable puppy dog eyes, and I told her that you also knew how to use them. You are the first thing I think of when I wake up, and the last thing on my mind at night. I love you so very much! More than all the jellybeans in the world! Love mama.

Thanks to all of you who wrote the encouraging messages! I appreciate them. I went out the other day and got Adam's grave ready for the 4th. I put on some red, white and blue ribbons, and a couple small flags. I can still see him in the hospital on the 4th of July right after transplant. He had these shiny stars on his head and a flag in his hand. If I can find it, I will put it on here. Love, angel Adam's mom.

Thursday, July 1, 2004 1:50 PM CDT

Thank God for my husband! Today is our anniversary, and to be quite honest, I had forgotten until I kissed him goodbye this morning and he told me "happy anniversary".
I came home from work, and on my kitchen table were pink roses and a card! What a sweetie! He is off all of this week and next, and he has been working really hard on getting the addition done. Every day when I come home, he and my dad are out there working. He misses his helper so much! Anyway, he is great. I never thought that we would make it this far. We had a rough start, and then Adam got sick and everyone said that if you did not have a strong marriage, having a sick child would destroy it. We saw that happen to many people, but it seemed to only make us a stronger teem. We both knew that he came first, and that is all there was to it. He would stay with the other kids, while I was with Adam at the hospital. For Mothers day this year, he gave me a wonderful present, and took me to North Carolina, to get my tubes reversed, so that we could try for another child. We know that we can never replace Adam, but I desperately miss taking care of someone. I love Johnathon and Joshua with all my heart, but they are never in here with me. Adam always was. They are always playing video games, or with their friends, and I know that is normal, but I miss having someone need me. I am lost. So we are praying to get pregnant again, and to have another happy, healthy child. I didn't tell anyone for a long time, because I was afraid of being judged. There are so many people out there, who think they know exactly how I should feel, and I am not doing what they think I should. I just know that when I had the surgery done, and I was under sedation, I was with Adam. He was there and we were laughing, and I do not remember what was said, except that he loved me, but I know it wasn't a dream. I was with him, and when I was waking up in the recovery room, I could feel the tears on my cheeks, and I was saying "I want my baby back, I want my Adam". The nurses were crying, and went to get Doug. I had told Adam to be with me right before I went under, and bless his heart, he was. And it was the calmest, most serene place I have ever been!
Thankyou all so very much, for still getting on here and reading this website! We have been so very blessed, to have so many wonderful, caring people in our lives! I could have not gotten this far, without this website! Thanks to those who write! Alot of people say they don't know what to say, just a simple: I'm here, I care means the world to me! Love in Christ, Angel Adam's mom.

Wednesday, June 30, 2004 11:55 AM CDT

This picture was taken last year, on Adam's birthday. It is so hard to believe that one year can make so much of a difference. Last year at this time, we had just gotten to Florida. That is one thing that I am so thankful for, the fact that God pushed me to taking that trip. I kept saying we could not afford it, but we did it anyway,and I know that it was him that gave me the urge to just do it. We had so much fun there. We rented a house for 2 and a half weeks, and it had a pool. We made hot fudge sundaes every night after coming home from the Disney parks. I still can see Adam with the whip creme can held up to his open mouth. He loved "The Goonies", and there is this scene, where Chunk has a whip creme can. Anyway Adam was doing that scene with the whip creme up to his mouth, and he said "Man am I depressed", and squirted a great big blob in his mouth. That was my boy! What a wonderful sense of humor! Love in Christ, Angel Adam's mama

Monday, June 28, 2004 6:56 PM CDT

new pictures!

Hi everyone,
thankyou all so much for still getting on here. Thankyou for the prayers. I am sorry that I didn't update the last couple of days, my friend Amy and I went away Saturday and stayed overnight. It was fun. Adam would have been shaking his head at "Lavern and Shirley". We were looking for a place to sing Kareoke, because that is something we love to do. We are not very good at it, but we still love to do it. Adam has a kareoke machine, and we used to use it. I remember one day when the boys were in school, and Adam was in his room doing something, probably playing baseball on his playstation. Anyway we were in the living room singing Faith Hill's song "Breathe" and Adam came out. He sat down on the couch and watched us with a big smile on his face. When we got done, we asked him what he thought, and he laughed and said : Your no Faith Hill. Little stinker! Here we thought we had done a good job!
I love you sweetboy! I miss you more than you will ever know! The day you were born and placed in my arms I got a taste of Heaven. The day you passed from this world to the next I got a big taste of Hell. I'm still there, just trying to live the way you and Jesus would want me to live so that I can see you again! I live for that day! Love, Mama

Friday, June 25, 2004 1:09 PM CDT

I am getting ready to go to the funeral home. I am trying to get my nerve up, because it is the same funeral home that did Adam's service.I haven't been there since. Please pray for strength for me, so that I can be there for Diana. I of all people know how important it is that others come and show they care. I still have a hard time forgiving those who did not take the time to come to pay respects, either at the vistiation or for the funeral. It only takes a few minutes, and it means so much to the family. I had girls that I had not seen much since high school come to Adam's visitation, and then some of my very close friends didn't even bother to come. It just doesn't make sense. I hear so many people use excuses and say I don't know what to say, or it makes me uncomfortable. It is not easy for anyone, but is something you just have to do. People would just come up to me and say "There are no words", and they were right, and that was the right thing to say. I'm sorry, I don't know why I got off on that, but I don't think you realize how important those little gestures mean until you experience the death of someone extremely close to you. I know that I didn't. I used to say, how can they touch them when they are in the casket, that is so gross. They aren't there anymore. How ignorant I was! When that is your loved one there, it doesn't matter. That body was still the precious little shell of someone I loved with all my heart, and I needed to touch him. Thankyou all so much for still getting on here everyday. Thankyou for the messages. Thankyou all so much for the prayers for Diana and her family, I know that she appreciates them! They will need those prayers for a long, long time. Doug and I still need them, our arms still ache, our hearts still hurt.

Memories of Adam:
I remember looking out one afternoon when Adam was five to see that he had taken the training wheels off of his bike, and was riding without them. That was Adam, very independent. Back then he was getting a leg shot every day to keep his hemaglobin up, and he was getting a dollar for each shot. He very seldom cried, just held out his hand for his dollar. Anyway, he was getting the shots everyday, and we switched legs each time, but still his little legs were sore and bruised, and there he was outside riding that bike. He had gotten into his dads shed and got a screw driver and off came the training wheels.
I love ya sweetboy! Love in Christ, Angel Adam's mom 4-ever.

Thursday, June 24, 2004 2:05 PM CDT

Diana's father did pass away on Tuesday, so please continue to keep them in your prayers.

Memories of Adam:

When Adam was in the hospital for his transplant, on the good days he would tell the nurses Jeff Foxworthy jokes when they came in the room. You know the "You might be a redneck" guy. He had them all cracking up. They said that he was more amusing than t.v. I can still hear him doing those silly jokes. He had the southern drawl down to a tee. "You might be a redneck, if your girlfriends hairdo has ever been destroyed by a ceiling fan."
Adam had a wonderful sense of humor. He laughed his self silly when one of the nurses came in and told him that her dog ate her hampster. He laughed so hard that he had tears running down his little cheeks.
I love you sweetboy!
Love in Christ, Jesus, Holly.

Wednesday, June 23, 2004 12:00 AM CDT

Hi everyone,
Thankyou to all who still get on here, and especially to those of you who still sign the guestbook. You don't know what it means to know that others still care. Alot of people think that since 6 mos has passed that it doesn't hurt as much anymore. That is so untrue. Doug and I just go through the motions of living, it is very hard to get up every day, knowing that one of your children is not there. We miss him more with every passing day. I want to thank all of you for your prayers for Lakota, the last time that I checked she was doing better, but still in alot of pain. Also, my dear friend Diana, who signs Adam's guestbook everyday, is going through a very difficult time. I am asking you all to pray for her and her family. They had to turn the ventilator off of her dad last night, so I assume that by now he has gone to heaven. Please remember her in your prayers, she is one of the sweetest people I know. Every month without fail on the 21st, I get a card in the mail saying "in memory of Angel Adam". She did not even forget on Monday, with all that she was going through, with her dad being sick. What a sweetie! I am not going to put a memory on here today, because unfortunately for the last couple days all I can remember is that last day, and it just breaks my heart! Well that is all for now, Love in Christ, Angel Adam's mom forever

Monday, June 21, 2004 2:58 PM CDT

Dear Adam,
six months since I held you,
six months filled with pain.
The only thing that gives me hope,
is seeing you again!
I love and miss you so very much punkin! More than all the jellybeans in the world. Sometimes I feel so very alone. No one understands how deep the wound is until you have experienced it. I keep praying for a God's spirit to fill me with understanding, to take away the anger and pain, but unfortunately here I am still angry still hurting, and wanting you back here(healthy) more than anything in the world. Love, mama.

Friday, June 18, 2004 11:43 AM CDT

Dear sweet Adam,
I love you so very much, sweetheart. You were one of my best friends, and I miss you so-oooooooooooo much.
I hope that you are having fun in heaven, because that is what gets me through each day, is knowing that all of your struggles and hardships are gone.

Memories of Adam:
Adam's teacher Mrs. Dorsey, used to give him starburst jellybeans for learning certain things. I am not a jelly bean person at all, but one day I was having a humungous sugar craving, and I was in his room looking for his stash of candy, and all I could find was a ziploc bag of starburst jellybeans. So desperate as I was, I ate them. They were delicous, and Adam had a fit when he got home from school, and found them gone, so he started hiding them in a different place, but everyday when he came home with them, he made sure to come out and shake them in front of my face. He would just smile, and I would chase him through the house, for one. And he would usually give me one. We would tell each other all the time that we loved each other more than all the jellybeans in the world, so that is where that comes from.
Thankyou to all of you who still leave messages, it means so very much. Love in Christ Jesus, Angel Adam's mom

Wednesday, June 16, 2004 11:55 AM CDT

Kim, I remember that day as well. I was just talking to Doug about it the other day. This was the song that he sang to you.
The cat's in the kettle at the Peking U
I go there every day with my friends at noon.
I wanted to try the sweet and sour pork, but Garfields on my fork
He's purring there on my fork.

Well the foundation is done for our master-bedroom and bath, and hopefully everything will be done by fall, so Adam can have his own room for his things. My mother and father-in-law bought Adam a red maple tree for his birthday, and it is planted in our front yard. We are going to build a small memorial garden for him there.

Memories of Adam:
The other day I was looking out our kitchen window, and saw our swing. I was reminded of last year when I looked out that same window, and saw Adam with his brother Joshua, sitting on the swing with all of his fishing equipment (his tackle box is the size of a cooler). Adam was putting sinkers on Joshua's pole with a pair of needlenose plyers. He was explaining it as he was doing it. Why you used a certain weight sinker for catfish and that sort of thing. My boy loved to fish! We played a song at the funeral home, that I am sure alot of people thought was inappropriate, but it was one of his favorites. (The fishing song) Grandpa Bob and grandpa Roberts were his favorite fishing buddies, besides dad that is. I am so glad that the sketch on his stone came out so good of him and his dad fishing. Doug says he doesn't think he will be able to take the boat out this year. Please remember him on fathers day, I know it will be hard. Love in Christ, angel Adam's mom 4-ever

Tuesday, 15th of June

Memories of Adam:
Adam Douglas Kindell once put all the money that his grandma had given him for a toy into a can for donations for a severely burnt child. You do not know what kind of sacrifice that was for him, unless you knew Adam. He was a miser! He loved his money, and he spent it wisely. When he passed away he had 1,ooo dollars that he had saved in just a few weeks. I had wanted to put it in his coffin, but deciced that it was not a good idea. People have told me to put it towards the boys college, but I will not do that, because it was Adam's. I will probably donate it to another sick child one day, when I can bear to do it.
He also horded candy. He wanted all this candy, but he very seldom ate it, and I don't care much for chocolate, so I left his candybars alone, but when I would get into his drawers to put his clothes away, and see his sucker or candy necklaces, I couldn't help but steal one. He always knew though! He might have dozens of them, that he was saving for a rainy day, but if I took one he knew, and made me buy him another. When he was sick this last time, and had to open his good eye with his hand to see, he was lying on the couch, and I thought that he was asleep, I opened up a low fat twinkie, and he heard the wrapper, and thought it was a candy necklace. Right away his hand flew up to open his eye and he said "What are you eating?" How funny is that? I am going to try to put different memories on here every day, because I love talking about him, and you people are so kind about listening to them. Not everyone is! I miss him so much! I try to act normal, but only Doug knows how abnormal I still am. I cry on a daily basis and visit his grave 3 to 4 times every day. Doug is talking about taking a vacation to Niagra Falls, and I don't want to even think about going anywhere without Adam. North Carolina was different, I had a purpose. Adam knows what it was, and he was with me the whole time. Well that is all for now. Thanks so much for still getting on here! Please remember Lakota in your prayers! Love in Christ, Angel Adam's mom.

Sunday, June 13, 2004 4:41 PM CDT

Hi sweetboy,

We just got back from Sams club, and we saw Mike Mauk there. Remember him? He was your baseball coach and he is one of the men who was pall bearer at your funeral. He is such a nice man. You really touched his life. He is going to give us the baseball scorebook for that year with your name in it. Do you remember the fit that mama threw, when your other coach would not allow you to play. He left you out of a whole game which is against the rules, and said that it was a mistake, and that he would play you the whole game the next time, but he only put you in for two innings. Your old mama bear marched right out there and told him that you had already been cheated out of alot from life, because of the leukemia, and I wasn't going to let them cheat you out of baseball too. It wasn't your fault that you could not run fast, you deserved a chance too! We switched you to Mikes team, and you just loved him, and the kids were all so good to you, that is why mama and daddy chose him to be one of your pall bearers. Most people avoid your dad and I now, but not Mike, he ran to catch up with daddy and ask him how he was doing. You touched so many people, sweetheart! I love you and miss you so much! I used to feel bad, about throwing such a fit that day, but now I am glad that I stuck up for you.
I love you more than all the jellybeans in the world! Love, Mama

Saturday, June 12, 2004 7:21 PM CDT

I miss my Adam so very much. I keep waiting for it to get easier, but it is not. I still do not like to be around many people. I don't want to go to family get togethers. It is hard to watch other people be happy. I keep hoping that I will see him again, that he will come to my dreams and tell me what he is doing. It has been so long since that happened. Thankyou all for your love and support, I don't know what I would do without you. Love in Christ, angel Adam's mom forever.

Friday, June 11, 2004 2:08 PM CDT

What a day! One of our teachers took the day off, and I had to take her class by myself, 8 3yr. olds and me. We were making birthday cards for their teacher, with glue and markers and glitter and I was helping one of the kids and looked up to see one little girl with glitter all over her face and tounge! She was eating it! And by the time they got doe the whole classroom was covered in green and purple glitter! I could have killed the woman who brought in the glitter and said that she thought it was a nice idea! So here I am cleaning up the glitter off the floor with a broom while they are washing their hands in the bathroom, and whap! one girl hits another girl in the head for taking her stuffed dog. I finally get that settled and another little girl goes running into the bathroom to wash her hands and slips in the huge puddle of water that the kids have on the floor from washing their hands, and starts screaming bloody murder! It is a good thing that they are so darn cute!

Sweet Adam,
I love you and miss you so very much! This learning to live without you is killing mama. Sometimes you feel so very close, and then sometimes you seem so far away. This stinks! I love you bubby! Mama

Thursday, June 10, 2004 6:50 PM CDT

Hello,
It has been a long day. The kids were really wound up today, and were driving us all nuts. I was glad to walk out of there at 12:00. There is a little boy who is in our class, who's legs were hurting today, and I immediately thought of Adam. I am praying that there is nothing serious wrong with him. Please join me in those prayers. And please continue to pray for little Lakota, she is having a rough time of it. Please pray for an earthly healing for this little angel. I am truly convinced that these children are just angels put on earth. Not a moment goes by that I do not think of my boy. I love and miss him so much, but I just have to keep reminding myself that he is free from all the cares of this world, and he is totaly whole. That is the only thing that gets me through. Thank you to the ones who still sign. And to those who read this. Love in Christ Jesus, Angel Adam's mom 4-ever.
Adam, you need to help those Reds! Casey is doing great though! Love ya sweetboy! I miss you, you were my inspiration! Love mama.

Wednesday, June 9, 2004 5:57 PM CDT

Hello,
I aml late again and I am sorry, but yesterday we did not have a phone because the guy that is digging the footer for the addition to our house accidentaly cut the phone line, and I had to take Johnathon and Josh to see the new Harry Potter movie today after work. Thank you for going with us Mel, we had fun. I thought about how much Adam would have liked it, he loved the character Ron. As I said we are having our addition dug out for our new bedroom and bathroom. We will be giving Adam, Johnathon's old bedroom for all of his stuff, and Johnathon will be getting our old room. Josh has to stay where he is, and is quite perturbed about it, but oh well! We can not move his bed,(it is a huge solid oak bunk bed that Doug and Adam made together, and Doug will never take it down, so Josh is stuck with it.) Thanks again for all of your prayers and support! That is all for now, Love in Christ, Angel Adam's mom 4-ever

Monday, June 7, 2004 7:50 PM CDT

Hello!
I want to thank all of you who told me that Adam is handsome! I think he's georgeous, but then I am predjudiced. Today at the daycare, I was passing out plates of food, when I accidently called this little girl(One of my little sweethearts) Bud. She looked at the other little girl next to her, and said she called me bud, and then very matter of factly she says "she has alot of boys! She has one that is dead, he is in Heaven, if you ask her she will show you his picture. The teacher just looked at me, like she was embarrassed, and did not know what to say, and I thought it was sweet,(this little girl lives by us and her brother went to school with Adam, so she knew about him) earlier in the day she had asked me if Adam drank water like she did, and I had told her that he used to. She looked up at me with big blue eyes, and said that it right he got sick and died. I told her that was right, and that he was with Jesus now and all his needs were taken care of so he didn't have to drink anymore, and then she asked to see his picture. Honesty and innocence. I love it. She made me feel better than most adults do, because she is not afraid to talk about Adam and she asked to see his picture. I love to show him off, but I don't get asked to very often, so that was nice, yes it hurt at first when she said that I had one that was dead, but then the truth hurts, and she was just stating a fact. Johnathon and Joshua have been swimming in their pool, and I can't help but remember last year when we bought it. We had gotten our child tax credit check, and though we could have used it for other things, we had been promising Adam a pool for a long time, because he could not swim for almost 4 years. So we bought it, and he was so happy, and he got so much use out of it. I am glad that God put that on my heart to do that. Just like the vacation to Florida, we could not afford it, but we did it, and I am so glad that we did! God was letting us have time to make memories and I will be forever grateful for that. I even like to remember him fighting with his brothers on the way there, about who had to sit in the middle. Most of the time poor Joshua got stuck with that, because he was the shortest. Well that is all for now, please continue to remember Lakota, she is not doing well at all. Thankyou for still getting on here, I love you all, Love in Christ,
Angel Adam's mom 4-ever

Sunday, June 6, 2004 7:59 PM CDT

Thankyou all so much for still getting on here, and thanks especially to those of you who still sign the guestbook. We had our family banquet tonight at church, and Doug Risner the wonderful man that wrote "Adam's song" came with his wife and 2 other wonderful singers, and they sang it. It is so beautiful, and so true! I miss him so much! I watched his video again today, I just love to see his face. I get so mad at people, when they tell me that they don't want to watch it because it makes them sad. Adam was a beautiful boy, and I love to see him. Not seeing him makes me sad, not the other way around. I hugged my nephew yesterday, and with his blonde hair and blue eyes, he has always reminded me of Adam. Anyway I hugged him, and I closed my eyes and pretended I was hugging Adam. Pitiful I know, but I can't help it. I want to touch him so bad!

Friday, June 4, 2004 8:02 PM CDT

I am sorry that I haven't updated lately, but I haven't had very many positive things to say. I am trying to understand, and I am trying to go on, but it is so hard to go on. Doug and I were talking last night about the color of his skin, his long fingernails that he would never let me clip, his skinny little arms and legs, all of his scars, all the things that were Adam. He was so skinny before he got sick again, he was healthy, but skinny like I was when I was little. We talked about the way that he used to yell into us at night that Josh was talking too much, and he could not go to sleep. Thank you all so much for still getting on here and loving my boy. I love you all, Love in Christ, Adam's mom.

Tuesday, June 1, 2004 5:29 PM CDT

I tell you the truth, he who believes, has everlasting life. John 6:47

Sometimes it seems so unreal to me Adam that I am no longer updating people on your condition on here, that I now have to talk about you in the past tense. It just don't seem right. I still look for you in the back seat when I am driving the CRV. Did you see Josh and I today? We had a picnic at your grave. I had just left work, and picked him up from the school, (he was there with grandma Mel and Johnathon was going to a party with Ethan) So Josh and I stopped at Burger King, and took our food to your grave. I had a blanket in there, so we spread it out and sat on it. I hope that you already knew that though, I hope that you heard us talking to you. Josh left you his kids meal toy. It was a little basketball hoop, and he said that he wanted you to have it. I miss you so very much sweetheart! I love you and I can't wait to hold you in my arms again. Love mama.

Monday, May 31, 2004 5:55 PM CDT

Hi all! First of all, I want to thank all of you who came to Adam's grave and released balloons, and all of you who could not come, but were there with us in thoughts and prayers! Hardin Central PTO and fifth graders,Thankyou! We have been extremely blessed by having so many caring people in our lives! It meant alot to me that people still care. Sometimes it feels like you people who read this website and of course family and my best friends, Amy and Diana, are the only ones who still care. I know that is not true, but sometimes it feels that way. It bothers me that the world just goes on without him. It bothers me that he wasn't here to watch the country awards the other day, we always watched them together. It bothers me that he didn't get to blow out his birthday candles, (thankyou so much Brady for doing that for him! I know that since he could not do it, that he would have wanted you to) Thankyou for the beautiful letter that you read at his grave, I know that he heard you, and was telling all the other angels in Heaven, that was his best friend. This week has been so extremely hard. I still have not figured out the answer to the question that I asked on the day that you died. "How do you live with half a heart? I don't know. I am just trying every day to be the kind of person that you would want me to be. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I miss you so much baby boy! Love mama.

Friday, May 28, 2004 8:15 PM CDT

Dear sweet Adam,
I love you so much baby! Happy birthday! I am so glad that I got to be your mother! Did you see your green balloons? I Hope so. Brady blew out your birthday candles tonight. I thought that you would have wanted that. Your the best babe.I love you more than all the jellybeans in the world! Love, mama.

Wednesday, May 26, 2004 5:10 PM CDT

My special Adam has a song that he sends to me every time I am sad. I had not heard this song for years, but after he passed away I would hear it every time that I was unbearably lonely and sad. Yesterday was one of those days.

How can I help you say goodbye?
It's alright to hurt, and it's alright to cry.
Come let me hold you, and I will try,
How can I help you say goodbye?

I will never say goodbye to you sweet Adam,
it is like I told you on Dec. 21st it is only see ya later. I love you so much, my arms ache for you, my heart yearns for you. You are my sweet angel, and I miss you with all my heart. Come see mommy in my dreams punkin, I need you desperately! Love, Mama.

Tuesday, May 25, 2004 7:28 PM CDT

Dear friends,
I worked my first day today. I think it went pretty well, except it kind of depressed me a little. I miss Adam. He would have loved to see all the little ones. I praise the Lord that I had him as long as I did though! He was truly a blessing! Many people think that I say these things, just because Adam is gone, and people never remember bad things about the dead. But that is not true! Adam really was a very special boy, who was kind and good. I could live a hundred years, and I would never make the kind of impact that he made on people in 11 years. He was my sweetheart. Love angel Adam's mom.

Monday, May 24, 2004 7:54 AM CDT

UPDATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Praise the Lord! Adam's stone is up!
My mom called me around 10:00 today, and said that she had just been up there and it was in, so I went up to decorate it! It is beautiful! I cried when I saw it.

Hi everyone,
I am praying that they will get Adam's stone up today. I went and bought the flowers yesterday. I can't wait to decorate it. I feel so lost without him, this is the only thing that I can do for him. This week has been very hard. Please continue to pray for us this week. Adam wanted to be twelve so bad. I miss him so much!
Love, Angel Adam's mom.

Dear sweet Adam,
I love you and I miss you with all my heart, punkin! Johnathon and I were talking about you yesterday. Johnathon said that he remembered you crying, because you would not get to see Gabby grow up. I told him that you can see her and you are probably laughing at all the things that she does to make me mad. Josh and I went to see Shrek 2 Sunday, and there were several places in the movie that we looked at each other, and said Adam used to say that, or Adam would have liked that. They even had your favorite saying in there " champagne wishes and caviar dreams".
I love you more than all the jelly beans in the world!
See ya later sweetpotater! Love, mama

Friday, May 21, 2004 5:55 PM CDT

Hi all! I just had to get on here again today, and let you know about the miracle that God gave me today! My friend Amy and I had went shopping, and when we were coming home from Lima a storm hit, and followed us all the way home. I knew that I was not going to make it home before the boys got home, but I was not too concerned, because I knew that I would not get there long after them, and the storm was behind me, or so I thought. I had just got done telling my friend that I wasn't scared of storms, they had never really bothered me, when I get home to see that a huge tree had fallen against the entire back of my house. Johnathon was in the kitchen when it happened, and Josh had just started outside to save a cat when Johnathon stopped him. The tree was smashed against my french doors, and windows of my kitchen, back door, and bedroom window, it had knocked down an electrical wire on top of my roof. By the grace of God, and I am sure mister Adam had something to do with it as well, the tree did not come into my house and kill Johnathon and thank God Johnathon had the sense to keep Joshua inside! I can not thank God enough! I can not bury another child! I just can not handle it! I went and saw the movie Troy last week, with Doug and the boys. There is a part in there, where a father says "Do you really think that I care what happens to me? I have endured the worst thing that a father can bear. I have watched my son die." Doug and I wept at that part, because it is so true! Nothing can ever happen to us worse than losing our children. When you have held that child in your arms, and felt their very life ease out of them, and watch them turn from pink to white, to purple, then you know what hell is! Thankyou God for sparing my children today! Thankyou Adam for watching over your brothers! I love you and miss you with all my heart, sweet boy! Love mama. God is Great! Yes He IS!

Friday, May 21, 2004 6:22 AM CDT

It seems like so much longer, but today marks five months since I have held my Adam. It seems like forever! I miss him so much! What an Angel! I can not wait until the day when we see each other again!
They poured his footer yesterday, Thank God! I called Jan the lady at Kenton Marble and Granite, and she said that they are shooting for Monday to place his stone, if it quits raining that is. Please pray that they will be able to do it on Monday. I want to have everything perfect for his birthday. Thankyou all so much for all of your prayers and support. Alot of people think that this all ends with the funeral, but that is when all the heartache begins. Thankyou for being here for us. Please remember all the other kids as they continue to battle this monster. Love in Christ, Jesus,
Angel Adam's mom

Thursday, May 20, 2004 12:24 AM CDT

Well today has been a good day and a bad day. I was happy to see that they have started pouring the footers at the cemetary, however they were a long way away from Adam's, so I hope they get to his today, and not tomorrow, because I think it is supposed to storm tomorrow. Also, I got the job that I have been wanting at the day care, so I hope that all goes well with that. I will be working with the 4 and 5 year olds from 6am to 12p.m. That was a true answer to prayer. The boys only have one week of school left, and Johnathon will watch Josh for those 6 hours, and then I will be home with them for awhile before I start my classes in the evening. This week has been extremely hard. Doug and I were talking last night, how it is getting harder and harder to remember every detail of Adam. I do not want to forget a thing! So I have been praying that God keep those memories in my mind, forever fresh! I miss his laughter, the sweet little way he would start out giggling, and then he would still be laughing, but no sound coming out, just his little belly shaking. The way he would hug me when I was feeling down, and the way those little arms felt around my body. He was so sweet! Last night, as I watched the Reds play the Colorado Rockies, I remembered his sweet voice, asking me if it was time for the Reds to play . No matter what he was doing, whether he was playing with friends or not, when those Reds were playing, he was in here watching them! Thankyou all so much for still getting on here and remembering Adam with me. I don't think I could have made it through without this website. I love you all,
Angel Adam's mom forever!
Dear sweet boy!
I love you so very much! I bet you were happy the other day, when you saw your favorite pitcher for the Reds, pitch the perfect game. I have never liked to watch baseball on t.v. I would much rather be there in person, but it makes me feel so much closer to you when I watch those games. I love you sweetboy! More than all the jellybeans in the world! Love, mama.

Wednesday, May 19, 2004 7:07 AM CDT

Tracy, yes Adam's favorite color was green. Whenever you asked him what color of anything he wanted, it was green. He was going to have himself a green viper when he grew up. That's what he was always telling us. And Jennifer he broke his arm, jumping off the bunk bed after he had seen his brother Johnathon do it, but he wasn't as lucky as Johnathon, and didn't land on his feet. He came out to the kitchen crying with his bone hanging at a jagged edge out of his arm. He had surgery that night, and because of his being on treatment for leukemia, he had to stay the night for observation. The next day he broke out with Chicken Pox, and ended up being in the hospital for a week. Poor kid! As I said before on here, anyone who wants to come to Adam's grave at 6:00 on May 28th, is welcome! I will have enough balloons, I assure you. So Tracy you just bring Todd right over! Joshua told me that a little girl in his school, wrote a paper about Adam being her hero, that really touched my heart, since he was and always will be my hero! Please continue to to pray for Lakota, she is not doing well at all, and she started her chemo yesterday, for her transplant on the 25th. My heart goes out to her family, I can not imagine going through this twice!
And Steve you can talk to me about Brian anytime you want! I know how I like to talk about my Adam. It keeps them alive! Don't ever appologize for that! LOve in Christ, Angel Adam's mom.
www.caringbridge.com/mn/laplafcan

Tuesday, May 18, 2004 11:36 AM CDT

Well I got some good news yesterday. When we went to the play last night, Doug's dad Bob said that they had dug the footer for Adam's stone. I was amazed, because I had been there at 2:00p.m., and they had done nothing. So Doug and I went after the play, and sure enough they had dug it. Hopefully they won't take as long with pouring it and setting it! Josh did wonderful! What a little ham! I told Adam he would have been so proud of him, and he would of. He was always looking out for Josh. I could just see him smiling last night at Josh in the mickey mouse ears and whiskers and big rubber mouse nose. He loved his brothers!
I miss my boy so very much! He was just so special, and as the days get closer to his birthday, all I can think, is how blessed I was to be his mother! What a joy he was! I love him so much it hurts!

Monday, May 17, 2004 6:39 AM CDT

Praise the Lord! I am back on my computer! Doug talked to some guy from compaq last night, and he said that it was the sasser virus, and he gave him the # of some guy from microsoft, and for 42.50 he walked him through the steps to get rid of it. So here I am. Thank you all so much, for staying faithful to this site! I appreciate it so much. We are trying to keep his name alive, and you are helping to do that. Thankyou! Please continue to keep Lakota in your prayers, I haven't had much chance to check up on her lately, but I know she is due to have her transplant soon. Please pray for a complete healing for this lovely little girl. Joshua is in a play tonight for school, he is one of the 3 blind mice, and has to wear grey shorts and a grey shirt and sunglasses, so I told him that he could borrow a pair of Adam's from his cabinet. It was so sweet to see how careful he is getting into Adam's cabinet. He is always putting things in there, that he thinks Adam would want in there. He found one of Adam's red's baseballs in the garage the other day, and stuck that in there. Well that is all for now, Love in Christ, Angel Adam's mom.

Dear sweet Adam,
Mama loves you so very much sweetheart! You are never far from my thoughts! Every moment of the day you are in my heart. I try to conjure up your laugh, your voice, your beautiful face. I remember how the other boys would pull away from me, when I would try to hold their hands, but not you. You would actually reach for my hand. I love you sweetie! More than all the jelly beans in the world! See ya later sweetpotater.

Friday, May 14, 2004 12:17 AM CDT

Hi all,
I am so sorry that I haven't got on here lately and updated this website. My computer is still down and the guy hasn't even returned my call yet! Very frustrating! I called the cemetary office last night, and asked the guy when they would be getting the footers poured, and he said "probably in a week". I am getting so mad! They told me in the beginning that if we had some nice days in March, that they would have Adam's stone up by then, and we did, and they didn't. Every time I go to the graveyard, there are alot of people out there putting flowers on their loved ones grave, but not me, I can't. I want to have it perfect for his birthday! We are meeting out there at 6:00p.m. on May 28th to release green balloons in Adam's memory. Anyone who wants to go, is welcome! Tracy, I loved that story, that is very sweet. You know how Adam loved Todd. Well I am going to get off of here, because once again, I am at the library, and there is a guy in here chomping his gum like a horse, and it is driving me Crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love in Christ,
Angel Adam's mom 4-ever!

Monday, May 10, 2004 11:56 AM CDT

Hi all,
I am at the library again. The computer is still down. Thankyou all so much for the wonderful messages that you all sent. That means so much! Doug and I did have a really nice time. We rented a yellow mustang convertible, and cruised around in that. It was so neat to have people eyeing your car with envy! You don't get that much in a mini-van! Oh and by the way Lisa, everything went well! I know you were worried about me in that airplane, and frankly so was I, but I even managed to look out the window a couple of times. I missed my boys, as I have never been that far from any of them. The only times that I have ever left them were for hospital stays. Yesterday was hard without my Adam, but he was in my heart, and he sent me a message. As soon as I woke up, I had a flashback of him coming into my room with Josh last year bringing me breakfast in bed. And then later a him wrapping his arms around me in the bathroom as I was doing my makeup, and him telling me that I was the best mom in the world. Thankyou for sending me those memories Adam! Josh kept up your tradition and brought me breakfast in bed (barely toasted toast with tons of butter). And Johnathon held me when I cried while watching your video again. I just came from your grave, and they have dug at the top of it, so they must be getting ready to pour your footer. Yeah! It's about time! I am calling a man about the computer today, so hopefully that will be up and running soon. I love you all! Thanks for caring! Love, Angel Adam's mom 4-ever.

Wednesday, May 5, 2004 11:08 AM CDT

Hi everyone,
I am writing this from the library, because there is something wrong with my computer. I have no idea what. Doug checked it last night for viruses, and nothing showed up, but every time that you get on the internet, a window comes up saying an error has occurred and it will shut down in 30 seconds. So I have no idea what that is all about, I just hope that it is easy to fix. Anyway, that is why I cannot change the picture today. Doug and I will be leaving for North Carolina tomorrow. Our plane leaves at 5:40a.m. so we are leaving for Columbus tonight and staying at a hotel, so that we can get to the airport by 4;30 a.m. I can't say I am looking forward to that! Oh well. Please keep us in your prayers. Well that is all for now, we love you all, and to all you mothers out there have a great mothers day. It will be a hard one for all of us who are missing one of our children this year, so hold your babies tight, and tell them that you love them. Love in Christ, Angel Adam's mom, forever and ever.

Mama loves you so very much Adam. I will not be able to make it to your grave the next couple of days, but please know that I have not forgotten you. You are always in my thoughts and forever in my heart. LOve mama. See ya later sweetpotater. I love you more than all the jellybeans in the world!

Tuesday, May 4, 2004 10:42 AM CDT

This picture was taken of Adam when he was 2. He was sitting in Joshua's car seat. It is one of my favorite pictures. Thankyou all so much for the messages! I appreciate them! Tracy, I remember the night that you called Betty Jo and C.T. to help you with Adam, but I never knew Betty Jo was tone deaf! I had to laugh at that! I know Adam would be laughing too.

Dear sweet Adam,
mama misses you so much! Seeing this picture, I am reminded of you at two. You used to call Johnathon Bubba, because you couldn't say his name, and whenever we were leaving or someone else was, you would say "Bye, Bye Tee ya". You had problems with your sssssss for awhile. I love you Adam! See ya later sweetpotater! Love mama.

Monday, May 3, 2004 5:05 PM CDT

This is Adam's first birthday. It took us forever to get him to dig into the little cake that I had made just for him, but once he started, there was no stopping him! His daddy had just taken him to the Barber for the first time that day, and I still have the lock of hair in his baby book, along with the lock of hair that his nurse Stacy cut for me on his last day here. Alot of my family members say that they cannot stand to look at his pictures, but I love to look at my boy. Each photo is a memory, and we have alot of good memories of Adam. Even though he was sick most of his life, his attitude was amazing! I found a picture of him the other day, that was 3 years ago at Easter, and he was in the hospital with the shingles. He looked absolutely horrendous! It looked like he had road rash all over his right side of his face! Adam told us once, that the most painful thing in his life, had been the shingles, and I believe it! I forgot just how bad it was, until I looked at those pictures, but do you know what? He was smiling! My precious boy was hooked up to a PCA pump, because his pain was a 10 and he was smiling and holding his easter basket up for mommy to take a picture! He was so precious! Please take the time to sign the guestbook. I love to hear from you. Love in Christ, Angel Adam's mom

Monday, May 3, 2004 1:36 PM CDT

Well the memorial was nice. We each got a flower to plant for our child and a candle. I just tried to put another picture on here, but the dumb scanner would not scan again. So I turned it off, and hopefuly after awhile it will work again. I had to get this picture out of Adam's baby book, it is the picture of his first birthday. I was looking at his baby book, and I realized, that I had not put anything in it about the relapse Guillan Barre or Adam's passing. That is one milestone, that you don't want your child to make. The most unnatural thing in the world, is your child dying before you. It stinks. Thankyou all so much for still stopping by and lending your support, it means alot to me. Please take time to sign the guestbook. Thanks, Love in Christ, Angel Adam's mom.

Sunday, May 2, 2004 7:20 AM CDT

I am going to a memorial service today at Childrens Hospital. It will be the first time that I have been there since Adam went to Heaven, so please pray for me. I have went to Children's so many times, I could probably go there with my eyes closed. It is weird, I never thought that I would miss those trips, but I do. I miss my boy sitting in the back seat singing with me or talking with me. I just miss him.

Friday, April 30, 2004 11:56 AM CDT

I have pictures of Adam's stone on here in the photo section. It turned out beautiful! Exactly what I wanted. I wish that you could see the sketch better,in the photo, because that is the best part! The guy did a really good job on Doug and Adam. You can't see any facial features on the little boy, but he put him in a reds hat and a white tank top and shorts, and Doug looks just like himself. I was very pleased, but kind of sad that my son's life has been reduced to a stone. But I know that Adam would be pleased with it. He has been helping his mom alot lately. I hear him say "mom" every once in awhile, and the other day when I was having a really hard day, I was sitting in the CRV waiting on Doug to come out, and the song we played at his funeral came on called "I believe". A soft breeze blew in the window across my face, just as the first words to the song started(Every now and then, soft as breath upon my skin, I feel you come back again, and I believe). That's my boy! Still here when I need him. I love and miss that boy so much, and am trying very hard to live up to his example, but I am not that good. But he was. And I am better for having known him. Love in Christ, Jesus, Angel Adam's mom.

Wednesday, April 28, 2004 5:26 PM CDT

Good news! I called Kenton Marble and Granite, and they said that Adam's stone is in andd all done. The onley thing that they are waiting for is the footer to be poured. So guess where I am going? To see my baby's stone. I know that is a strange thing to be excited about, but it is the only thing that I can give him now. Today has been a pretty good day. I just keep thinking of my son in heaven and having fun. I will not think about me today, I will think about Adam and the fact that he no longer has to endure pain and suffering and he no longer has to try so hard to read and write. He is restored to perfect health! Praise the Lord! I wish to God that he could have had an earthly healing, but that was not meant to be. I also know that tomorrow, I will probably be down in the dumps again, that is the way this grief stuff works, but for now I can accept he is not here with me since I know he is in peace. Love in Christ, Adam's mom
But I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.John 16:22

My Mom is a Survivor

-Dedicated to the mothers who have lost a child and have somehow survived-

My Mom is a Survivor,
or so I've heard it said.
But I can hear her crying at night
when all others are in bed

I watch her lay awake at night
and go to hold her hand.
She doesn't know I'm with her
to help her understand.

But like the sands on the beach
That never wash away...
I watch over my surviving mom,
who thinks of me each day.

She wears a smile for others...
a smile of disguise!
But through Heaven's door I see
tears flowing from her eyes.

My mom tries to cope with death
to keep my memory alive.
But anyone who knows her knows
it is her way to survive.

As I watch over my surviving mom
through Heaven's open door...
I try to tell her that angels
protect me forevermore.

I know that doesn't help her...
or ease the burden she bears.
So if you get a chance, go visit her...
and show her that you care.

For no matter what she says...
no matter what she feels.
My surviving mom has a broken heart
that time won't ever heal.

Wednesday, April 28, 2004 9:54 AM CDT

I think he was about 7 or eight months old in this picture. Adam drank from a straw from the time he was 4 months old, he drank from a cup from the time he was 8 months. His first word was Uh-oh. I said it one time when Johnathon spilled something, and after that all we heard was uh-oh. And he said it just right too. I used to sing and Rock him, and that was the only way that you could get him to sleep. The song he loved the best, was mama rocks the baby. I was singing him that song and rocking him, when he went to Jesus, and he moved his head three times, so I know he heard me and knew he was in his mama's arms. He was probably mad at me for singing him that baby song, but It was all I could think of at the time. Love in Christ, Adam's mama

Tuesday, April 27, 2004 10:51 AM CDT

Hi all. My printer is being stubborn, so later today I will try to update the pictures of Adam. That is one thing that I am very thankful for, we have lots of pictures of him. I try not to put the ones where he is bald or on steroids on here, because Adam always said that he looked like a freak then. He did not want anyone to see him like that. He was beautiful no matter what! I want to start out with his baby pictures and work my way up. He was such a beautiful baby, with lots of reddish blonde hair and blue eyes. I never will forget the first time that I laid eyes on him. Priceless! He was named Adam Douglas Kindell because of the Bible and his daddy Doug. Our first son ,Johnathon has Doug's middle name,(William), and Adam had his first. He weighed 7#and 7oz. and was 19 inches long. Johnathon was so happy to have a baby brother. In the first picture that I am going to put on here, you can see how proud he was. Thankyou all so much for still getting on here and honoring our wonderful son. Thankyou for the encouragement that you give me. Yesterday was a very hard day. They come on suddenly with no warning. Adam and I were two of a kind. We liked the same things, ate the same foods, and understood one another. The day before he died, I remember him wrapping his arms around me, and rubbing my back with his hands. He did that for the longest time. I think that he knew he was leaving me, and wanted to leave me with that memory.

Sweetboy,
Mama loves you so very much! You brought so much joy to my life. I thank God that he honored me, by letting me be your mama. I can forever say that I was Adam's mom, and I am very proud to say that. I love you more than all the jellybeans in the world! Love mama.

Monday, April 26, 2004 9:08 AM CDT

Sometimes I wonder if the emptiness will ever go away. If I can ever be happy again without my sweet Adam. Doug and I were talking last night. We are just going through the motions. When is it ever going to get better. When can I ever tell anyone what I am feeling without them looking sick of hearing it? why do I have to pretend with everyone? It is wearing me out. I just want to scream, I want to yell and I want to throw something. I went to church last night for a meeting about vacation bible school, and all I could think is Adam won't be here. This year I won't be sitting in the pew crying because of the beauty of my children singing for the Lord. I will be crying, because one isn't there. And he should be. He should be with me!

Sunday, April 25, 2004 2:52 PM CDT

My sweet Adam,
We went to the cubscout Blue and Gold banquet today, and got your certificate. It was very nice, but I couldn't help wishing that you were there. You always enjoyed the cubscouts. I remember right after you had gotten out of ICU, and you went to the space ship race, and you won it out of everyone, and then you went to the regatta boat race, and you beat everyone at that, and then there was the pinewood derby, and you beat everyone there too. I felt like God was trying to make some things up to you. Everyone was so glad to see you win. I don't think the other cubscouts even minded. You earned it. I love you sweetie more than all the jellybeans in the world! Love mama.

Saturday, April 24, 2004 8:30 AM CDT

My father in-law brought me a tape of the boys in Bible school last year. Adam looked so healthy, and this is what he was singing with the other children. I can still hear him going around the house singing this song.

I am the resurrection and the life
he who believes in me will never die.
I am the resurrection and the life
He who believes in me will have a new life.

I got great peace when I heard him hearing that song. And yesterday I also asked Adam for a sign that he would forgive me, and you know what? Later on in the day, it just popped into my head, that even though I did get snappy with him a few times, I also showed him that I loved him in every thing that I did. I did not let hospice do anything for him, but take vitals and bring medicine. I gave him his bath every day, and not a bed bath, I carried him to the bathtub every day and put him in a nice warm tub, and that was the only time that he was relaxed. I fed him every meal, and I brushed his teeth. No one else did these things but me, and that was the way he wanted it, so I did do some things right by him, and I believe he is the one who sent me these thoughts. Those things were precious to me, and I can look back now and know that in those ways I was there for him. I am still sorry for those times that I yelled at him, and I find myself now, appologizing every time I snap at anyone. We never know when that person will be gone and we won't have the chance to say that we are sorry. Tomorrow is the blue and Gold banquet, for the cubscouts, Adam is going to be honored. Love in Christ, Angel Adam's mom.

Friday, April 23, 2004 10:13 AM CDT

It only hurts when I'm breathing
My heart only breaks when it's beating
So I hold my breath to forget,
That it only hurts when I breathe.

That is part of a song by Shania Twain.
It says it all. Today I am riddled by guilt again.I don't understand how I could have yelled at him when he was sick. I know that I was scared, but that was no excuse. When I think about what he said to me the night before he died, all I can think is he hated me. I had told him if he did not keep his oxygen on, that I was going to go out of the room, and that had always worked in the past. But on that night, he told me to go. "Go ahead" he said. "Just Go". Today that is all I can think about. I will never forgive myself for making him do those leg excersices when he was hurting. I thought if we tried hard enough we could keep him alive. Love in Christ, Adam's mom.

Adam please forgive me, for letting you down those last 2 months. Love mama.

Thursday, April 22, 2004 8:39 AM CDT

Dear Sweet Adam,
I love you sweet boy! Have you seen those Reds? They are doing really well so far! I thought of you when Sean Casey got his homerun. He was your favorite. The other day in the garage, I found your Reds plastic baseball hat, and I put it on your grave. I have been searching the internet, for Reds things, but so far I haven't had alot of luck finding things that would stay nice on a grave. You are my hero, I get through each day, thinking I am one step closer to you. Love Mama.

To my website friends and family,
Thank you all so much for still getting on here. I want to say a special thankyou to whoever put the flower on Adam's grave yesterday! That just made my day, to go there last night, and see that someone was thinking of my boy. Thankyou Diana for the memorial card with the little boy fishing on it! That was our Adam, for sure! You know some of you think that the things that you do for me aren't enough, but I want you to know the little things mean the most. That flower and that card meant more to me than I can tell you. When you sign the guestbook, and just say hi, and I am praying for you, that means more than you can ever know. You don't understand how much it means until you have been there. I am into buying cards now, because I know how much those meant to us when Adam was sick. So now when someone is mentioned in church for prayer, I buy a card and hope I can brighten their day. Speeking of prayers, Thankyou! Mrs. Mitchell came through her brain surgery fine, and they think that they got all of the tumor.Thanks again! Please keep praying for all the cancer kids and their families! Love in Christ, Adam's mom.

Wednesday, April 21, 2004 7:45 AM CDT

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
He Only Took My Hand

Last night while I was trying to sleep,
My son's voice I did hear.
I opened my eyes and looked around,
But he did not appear.

He said "Mom, you've got to listen,
You've got to understand
God didn't take me from you,
He only took my hand.

When I called out in pain that night
The instant that I died,
He reached down and took my hand,
And pulled me to His side.

He pulled me up and saved me
From the misery and pain.
My body was hurt so badly inside
I could never be the same.

My search is really over now,
I've found happiness within,
All the answers to my empty dreams
And all that might have been.

I love you all and miss you so,
And I'll always be nearby
My body's gone forever,
But my spirit will never die!

And so you must all go on now,
Live one day at a time,
Just understand-
God did not take me from you,
He only took my hand"
4 months since I held my Adam. Seems like years. It sounds like they are going to have a really nice memorial for him at his school. They are going to be doing it on his birthday. They are making a memorial garden with a rock with his name on it, and several flowers and a tree, and then they will have a birthday cake. Thankyou so much to the PTO! You all have been so wonderful to Adam over the years! It truly is appreciated. Johnathon, our 14 year old son will be graduating from the 8th grade that day also, so it will be a busy day. In the evening the family will be getting together. I caught myself the other day, making 3 piles of clothes on the table. Joshua has been wearing a few of Adam's T-shirts, and I don't know why, because this is the first time that I have done this, but I just started Adam a pile. It wasn't until I was half way done, that I noticed what I had done. Sometimes I still find myself talking about him in the present tense. "Adam likes that". And then I have to apologize to whoever I am talking to, or they will think I am nuts.
Dear Adam,
I miss you so much punkin. This learning to live without you, is killing me. Please let mommy feel you with her today. I love you more than all the jellybeans in the world. Love, Mama.

Tuesday, April 20, 2004 8:08 AM CDT

This picture was taken of Adam at a day camp for cubscouts.
I dreamed of my sweet boy last night, and it was wonderful! I was tucking him into bed, and stroking his beautiful blonde hair, and he was smiling and telling me about the fun that he was having in heaven. Priceless! I woke up and had to stop myself from running to his bed where I knew that I would find Joshua sleeping in his bed. I know that you are all getting so sick of hearing me complain about how much I miss him, but I just can't help it. He was so sweet and kind and good and I knew that it would be hard without him, but I never knew how hard. I know that there are people out there, that do not think I am moving on fast enough, but they are not in my shoes are they? I have learned alot from this, I will never tell someone plattitudes when someone they love dies. I am so tired of hearing this happened for a reason. Then you tell me what it is, because I want to know. Sorry, but I get so sick of hearing that. Adam is out of pain, and I am extremely grateful for that, but I would be lying if I told you that I wouldn't rather God have healed him here on earth. Thankyou so very much for taking the time to still get on here and remember Adam, I appreciate it. Thankyou most of all to those of you who sign the guestbook. Your words of encouragement get me through each day. My husband Doug and I will be going away the weekend of Mothers Day, we will be flying to North Carolina, so please keep us and our children in your prayers. I hate to fly, but I hate long car rides too, so please pray that all goes well. I am not afraid to die, but I have certain ways that I do not want to go, and that is one of them! Mother's Day is going to be extremely hard, so it is good that we are going away. I will be back with my kids on the actual day, but Thurs. through Sat. I will be gone, so I will not be able to update. Please take time to sign the guestbook! Thanks! Love in Christ, Adam's mom

Monday, April 19, 2004 12:04 AM CDT

Dear sweet Adam,
I love you and miss you very much! Did you see the balloon that we sent you yesterday? We are trying very hard to go on without you, but we are not doing very well. I can't beleive that on Wednesday it will be four months since you went to live with Jesus. I hope you are having fun, as that is the only thing that gives me any comfort. I am going to see about a part time job today, I am putting my application in at a few different places. I need to get something so I can afford to go back to school. I want to make you proud of me by becoming the best nurse that I can be. I love you more and more each day! My heart aches for you. Daddy is getting ready to make the addition to the house, so that you can have your own room for all of your reds stuff and guns. You never had your own room, and we don't want to give your stuff away, so we decided that this is what we would do. All of the cars that you collected will be displayed on shelves. Gabby got loose yesterday, and we all were out hunting her. She went a long way from the house, and I was scared to death that she was going to get hit! Can you beleive that mommy cried? Over a dog? I just couldn't let anything happen to Gabby, after I promised to take care of her for you! Daddy went to Marion, as soon as we caught her, and bought a shock collar for her.I love you sweetie! More than all the jellybeans in the world! Love mama

Sunday, April 18, 2004 1:03 PM CDT

I just came from Adam's grave. We were going to stick this big green butterfly balloon on his grave, but it was so windy, I knew it wouldn't stay, so we let it go. I said go to Adam and up and away it went. We all watched it go. It is such a beautiful day. We cleaned up the yard alot yesterday, and put some decorations around the pond. I put two of the concrete angels out front around the garden pond. He got so many of them, that there was no way I could put them all on his grave. I also put a little boy statue out there that my mom got for us. It is a little boy lying down soak and wet in jeans and a shirt with a frog dangling from his hands. She said that it reminded her of Adam, a couple of years ago, when he fell head first into the goldfish pond! I had forgotten all about that until she said that. Doug caught his foot before he could go all the way in , but he went in from the waist up! Oh how I miss that boy!

Friday, April 16, 2004 6:13 AM CDT

HI everyone,
Yesterday was the anniversary of Adam's diagnosis 8 years ago, and my mom and dad's wedding anniversary. It was another hard day.
I went to the the hospice memorial service last night in Lima. They lit a candle for Adam and said his name, and I brought the candle home. Johnathon had orientation for highschool last night, so Doug had to take him to that,(I do not think that he would have went anyway, he was not happy with the care Adam got from them, and neither was I really). I was nervous going by myself, partly because I do not like to go to things where I do not know anyone, and partly because I was trying to avoid this social worker, who has been calling and driving me nuts! I was quite surprised, and quite relieved, when I walked in and found my mom and dad waiting on me. I have great parents! They have been through all this themselves, so they truly understand. They had come to St. Rita's to visit their next door neighbor, who has a brain tumor(she really needs prayers also, her name is Eileen, and she was like a grandma to me and my sister when we were growing up). Any way it was a nice service and I was thanking God that my mom and dad came. I did run into that social worker, but Thank God she didn't badger me about therapy again, she just said she was glad to see me. I went and saw Mrs. Mitchell (Eileen) afterward, and was once again amazed by the woman that she is! I had brought her a get well card with a beautiful angel on it, and I had signed it from all of us and of course angel Adam. She read the last part about Angel Adam and she said "most certainly it is from angel Adam". I just love that woman! She lost a son in a car wreck in the early 80's so she knows what we are going through. She has been quite ill for over a year, and they could not figure out what was wrong with her. She has been so nauseated, that she could not eat anything but cottage cheese for at least 6 months. Her son finally got fed up with the doctors here and took her to St. Rita's. Within a week they found a huge tumor on her brainstem, that they said because of the size has to have been there for 4 or 5 years. The doctors do not think that it is malignant, because quite frankly she would be dead by now, but nonetheless the tumor has to come out and quickly, because it is blocking her blood supply. So next Wednesday they will be removing it. They are trying to get her a little bit healthier before that time, so they have in a feeding tube. I was shocked when I saw her, she is nothing but a bone! But she is still sharp as a tack! She looked me directly in the eye, and said that her son is really upset about this, but she told him "whatever is meant to happen will happen and that is all there is to it! So there is no since in worrying about it!" She had just had her lawyer up there, so that she could sign a DNR. The surgery is very risky, because the tumor is so close to the mylein sheath, and major blood vessels. She is very accepting of death though, and I wanted to tell her so bad that in the unfortunate case that she did not make it, would she please give Adam a big hug from his mommy and daddy and let him know how much we love and miss him. Of course I didn't, but oh how I wanted to! I do not look at things the same way anymore, like I said before. I look at older people affected by sickness, and yes I feel sorry for them, but I think "they have lived a good life!" We all know that we are going to die sometime, but I do not understand children going through it, and I never will. I would much rather me die than a child. I would rather have lost Doug than one of my children, and he feels the same way about me. I am ready to go whenever God calls me, I can not wait to see that sweet little face waiting for me at Heavens Gates!
Thanks to all of you that still sign and leave encouraging messages! People seem to think that I do not need them anymore, but I need them now more than ever. Jennifer thank you for signing every day! I do not even know you, but you have been so sweet and supportive, and you never miss a day! Thanks and God Bless! Love in Christ, Angel Adam's mom.

Thursday, April 15, 2004 4:46 AM CDT

First of all, I want to ask you all to pray for Lakota today. She is having more bloodwork done. Please pray for no more bad cells! In the name of Jesus, ask for healing for this beautiful little girl! I know the fear that Debbie feels, unless you have been there, you can not even imagine! You feel that your heart is in your throat all the time. Also Lakota is having a bone marrow transplant, and they couldn't find a donor, so she is going to get cord blood instead, which is not as good. There is still time, so please pray for a match to be found! Also Lindsey another little girl I keep tabs on is having some pain in her back her mom fears a relapse. These children are all so special, they touch so many lives with their bravery. I am fighting a cold right now, and couldn't sleep last night because of it, and as I was thinking how much I wished I could quit coughing, and get some sleep, I thought of our Adam and how he suffered. He had so many things that he went through. I will not go into them, because Adam would not want me to. But it just wasn't fair! I was sitting here watching "Inside St. Judes" on the discovery health channel, and I cried as I watched the stories. I've lived it. Watching your child hold completely still for 2hrs while they radiate them, knowing what your doing to their brain, the damage you are causing, and praying just praying with all your heart that no other cancer is caused from the radiation,(because that is always a chance). I think about it sometimes, and I think "why"? why go through all those years of chemo and radiation to end up here, with empty arms and a empty heart? Yet another part of me says we had him longer because of it, and Adam wanted to do it. Even when I told him that God wanted him for an Angel, his words were "No mama. No! Why can't they just give me more chemo? People ask me why I get on these websites, and why I watch shows about people like that, and I tell them who is going to pray harder for these families and children, than someone that has walked in their shoes. I prayed for 7 and a half years for children like mine, it is part of my life. I still catch myself saying to God in my prayers, "please touch and heal Adam completely". It is just habit. Please pray for these children as if they were your own. Love in Christ Jesus, Angel Adam's mom 4-ever!
Dear Adam,
My heart aches for you, I miss you so much! But there are times I feel your presence. I pray that you are having tons of fun, and playing baseball in heaven. I love you more than all the jellybeans in the whole world! Love, mama

Wednesday, April 14, 2004 5:52 AM CDT

Oh how I miss this boy! I remember when this picture was taken. Doug went in when Adam was in the shower, and Doug surprised him. Boy was he mad! He chased his dad around the house, yelling and telling Doug that he was going to do the same thing to him. Adam was always very modest, whenever he was in the hospital, I had to do everything for him, in transplant, they have to be bathed in a special way, and the nurses come in and do it. Adam wouldn't have any of that, so a nurse came in and trained me on how to do it. His dad used to tease him that because the donor was a girl, that he was going to grow boobs. I can still see Adam laughing and telling his dad "your disgusting". I miss him so. Love, angel Adam's mom.

Tuesday, April 13, 2004 4:43 AM CDT

Update!!! I am filled with Joy and sadness as I write this new update. I was just sitting in my living room feeling sorry for myself, when the doorbell rang. It was Deb Thompson, one of Adam's friends mom. She started crying right away, and told me that the cubscouts wanted to put memorial medal on Adam's grave saying that he was a cubscout, and they also invited us to the Blue and Gold Banquet, where Adam will be getting a certificate for becoming a boyscout even though he wasn't able to complete everything, they knew that he would if he could. I told her how much I appreciate the fact that they are remembering our sweet Adam! I love him so much! Thank you cubscouts! I know that Adam is smiling in heaven! He so appreciated being a cubscout!

Angry Day. I will not write much, because I will regret it later, but I do want to say to those of you who still get on here and listen day after day, thankyou! You will never know what that means. Diana I want to thank you the most for being here for me no matter what. You never miss a day signing this guestbook, and the cards that you send on the anniversary of Adam's death every month really shows me how much you care! Thankyou! As I said, I can not write a whole lot today, or I will just sound like a selfish shrew, the bottom line is I miss my boy! Every fibre of my being aches without him, and I do not understand how others can just go on and be happy, when our lives are shattered. Love in Christ, angel Adam's mom.

Monday, April 12, 2004 3:52 PM CDT

Thankyou all so much for the encouraging messages. The boys and us had a nice meal yesterday, it was quite hard to see that empty space at the table.I cried alot and went to the grave twice. Will it ever get any easier? I don't think so. We watched Rambo in memory of Adam, Josh kept pointing out the places that Adam loved most. Today was hard as well, after much thought I decided to give away our cat Angel. She was the first housecat that we ever had, and Josh's pet. She was never a very nice cat however, she does not like people very much. When we got our other cat Baxter he scared Angel and she won't eat if he is over there, so needless to say she was very skinny, and she shed like crazy. I just got sick of constantly cleaning up after her, so I decided to take her to the humane society, Josh cried all the way home, and told me everything was my fault. So I am not very popular with him today, and I could also hear Adam, yelling at the boys not to be mean to Angel, so that didn't help. But honestly I think I made the right decision, she was ruining the plants that we got for Adam's funeral by sitting in them.
Well that is all for now, except please pray for a man named Jeff, who had a very serious surgery today, he is Samantha's daddy. Love in Christ, Angel Adam's mom.

Saturday, April 10, 2004 8:36 PM CDT

Adam, we love you and miss you so much! We hope that you are having all the fun that we aren't love mama and daddy.

Saturday, April 10, 2004 8:26 PM CDT

Dear Adam,
Mama and daddy and the boys love you and miss you so much!
I pray that you are having all the fun in Heaven that you deserve. You brought so much joy to our lives, and we are still lost without you! We try so hard to go on, but it is just not the same here without your sweet little face. Happy Easter sweetheart! Please tell Jesus, how much we all appreciate what he done for us, if he hadn't done what he done, you wouldn't be where you are now. Thank you God for making the ultimate sacrifice for us!
We love you Adam, Love mama, daddy, and boys.

Saturday, April 10, 2004 7:48 AM CDT

WE LOVE YOU ADAM, OH YES WE DO
WE LOVE YOU ADAM, AND WILL BE TRUE
WHEN YOUR NOT HERE WITH US,
WE'RE BLUE
OH ADAM WE LOVE YOU!

MORE THAN ALL THE JELLYBEANS IN THE WORLD!
MORE THAN ALL THE FISH IN THE SEA!
MORE THAN ALL THE STARS IN THE SKY!

HAPPY EASTER SWEETBOY! LOVE, MAMA, DADDY, JOHNATHON,AND JOSHUA

Friday, April 9, 2004 6:55 AM CDT

Dear friends and family,
I hope that you all have a wonderful Easter holliday. Just because we are not ready for family dinners and celebrations, does not mean that we do not love you all and wish you happiness. We are just going to celebrate our Savior quietly this year with a nice little dinner here. Thankyou all so much for your love and support, we love you all. Love in Christ, Adam's mom.

Friday, April 9, 2004 6:46 AM CDT

Hi I am sorry, but I am having some trouble with this website. I did something, I have no idea what, but when I updated yesterday, the guestbook link and picture link disapeared. You can still get on however, if you go to the top of this page there are ways to get to the guestbook and pictures. I hope that you all have a great Easter. We are going to just stay home and have a nice dinner with the kids. We will celebrate our Savior but I am just not ready to be around my neices and nephews that are Adam's age. Love in Christ, Angel Adam's mom.

Thursday April 8th, 3:42pm

hi Sweet boy! Did you see that Adam Dunn hit a homerun? I bet you did! I could just hear your little voice, cheering for him. Your brothers and I watched the game (daddy was at work). I could just hear you telling him about it when he got home. Josh said that you were probably right there watching that game eating popcorn. We felt very close to you last night. I love you sweetheart, more and more each day, and I miss you so much! Aunt Deb put an Easter egg balloon on your grave, and it looks so pretty! Love, mama

Tuesday April 6th

Well I finally got some music on here. I am so stupid when it comes to these things. I haven't got a whole lot to say today, except that I want to thank you all for still getting on here, and please continue to pray for little Lakota. Thankyou and God bless you all. Love in Christ Jesus, Adam's mom.

Sunday, April 4, 2004 10:54 AM CDT

Hi everyone,
I am sorry that I did not write anything yesterday, but I had a migraine for the last few days, and was lying with a heating pad on my head for most of the afternoon. Mike Armentrout came over and brought Adam's video. It is absolutely georgous, but I cried. What a sweetheart! I miss him so much! Our lives just aren't the same without him. Today coming home from church I saw his basketball hoop at the back of the house, and I remembered when he got it. He bought it with his birthday money a few years back. Now it just sits there. I think the fact that it is Easter time, that has me so depressed, because Adam loved Easter. He loved to get dressed up and go to Sunrise service. I have lots of pictures of him with his brothers at Easter Service holding the offering plates. I have pictures of him last year at Easter holding his basket, who would have thought last year, that we would be where we are now. Shelly and Diana, I want to thank both of you, for all the kindness and support you have shown me! You are wonderful! We have been so blessed to have so many caring people around us. I know that I am not the easiest person to be around right now. Thanks for not giving up on me.Thanks to all of you who still sign this guestbook, and leave encouraging messages! Love in Christ, Adam's mom.

Dear Adam,
I hope that you are having fun with Jesus! I hope you know how much that we love and miss you! I love you with all my heart sweetheart! Love, mama

Friday, April 2, 2004 9:30 AM CST

Dear Sweet Adam,
Your mama misses you so much! I don't much like the person that I have become. I am so quick to anger, so quick to cry. I am trying very hard to be the mama that you would want me to be, but it is so hard to do when all I want to do is hold you in my arms and tell you how much that I love you. I stay here most of the time, because I am just not good with people anymore. I went down to Grandma and Grandpa Bob's last night, because I could not stand being in this house anymore, I had cried all day and fought with the hospital,over bills that they still say we owe on, but we don't. Anyway I did nothing but gripe the entire time that I was there. What a witch! Please forgive me Mel and Bob, I am so sorry. I keep praying that the anger will go away, and I will be the person that I used to be. I guess the thing that scares me the most, is that if I don't keep saying your name and bringing you up, that you will be forgotten. Not by us, but by others. You will never be forgotten by us. I can still hear your sweet voice, and hear your laughter. Yesterday Josh was standing in line at the Dairy Queen with your dad, and from the side view that I had of him, he looked so much like you. My heart hurts for you so much, love, mama.

Thursday, April 1, 2004 9:22 AM CST

Well I just got the house clean. Every time that I clean, I think of Adam. He used to say that I was like Danny Tanner off of Full House. A real neat freak! I know that he is right, but I can't help it, I always liked things clean, but after Adam got sick, I got so much worse. I was obsessed with fighting germs! And then after transplant I was even worse. The tub had to be cleaned after every person took a bath. I am not that bad now though. Do you hear that Adam? Your mom is not quite as nuts as she used to be. Almost, but not quite. These animals keep me very busy! They are worse than the kids ever were, and with all the mud, Ugh! Thank God for swifter wets. Anyway, I am on my way out the door, I am going to go and order a nice Easter wreath for Adam's grave. The boys and I colored Easter eggs, and the first egg that Johnathon made, he made for you Adam, and colored it your favorite color, GREEN! I told him that I was proud of him. He has been a little better here lately about opening up. He is reading a book at school about Adam and Eve, and he brought it to me yesterday, and showed me a part in it, that he said reminded him of you. It was how God made this almost perfect being named Adam. I thought that was so sweet! We all are working very hard to live up to what you would want us to be, but we have some very big shoes to fill. We can not wait untill the day that you meet us at those gates in Heaven! Seeing you there in my mind, playing with the other children and Jesus, is the only thing that gets me through. I love you so much punkin! More than all the jellybeans in the world! Love, mama

Wednesday, March 31, 2004 12:06 AM CST

Hello all,
I am sorry that I didn't write anything on here yesterday, you are probably better off though. I am not having very good days lately. My father-in-law and I just got back from Waynsefield, we went there to order Adam's video. They said that it should be back in a few days. I am going to show it to friends and family on his birthday, and we will be having the same kind of cake that he had last year, Cincinatti Reds. I can still remember Adam sitting in the CRV with Doug and I, saying that he wanted to be twelve. He will be. I got my grades back from school yesterday, and I got two satisfactories and an A in Sociology. I ended up with a 4.0 average, so I was satisfied with that. At least I passed! Thankyou very much to those of you who still get on here and sign this. It means so much to me. Just to know that there are still people who care enough to get on here, and just say you are in my prayers. That means so much. I was lying in bed this morning, thinking how very blessed I was to have Adam for eleven and a half years! He was such a joy to have around. I got the movie "Brother Bear" yesterday, and the boys and I watched it. They hadn't wanted to see it when it was out, so we had taken Adam when they were in school. They loved it though, and it was nice to hear them laughing at the same things Adam laughed at. I could remember him sitting at the end of the row in the movie theater in his wheelchair, eating cookie dough bites. He had made me try one. Well that is all for now,except I do want to say to Kim if you still read this, thankyou so much for giving my little boy your bone marrow! You gave us almost 2 more years with him, and we will never forget that! You and your mom mean so much to us! We love you! Diana thankyou for listening to my self pity and never getting sick of it! Love, angel Adam's mom 4-ever!

Monday, March 29, 2004 8:14 AM CST

I want to thank all of you for all of your encouraging messages and support. I just got an e-mail from a very sweet woman, and I want to thank her for sharing with me her pain of losing her child, and trying to help me. It is very hard to do, and I appreciate it. I am going to try to put my feelings into words, but it is so hard! When your child dies( I have learned at Compassionate Friends, that you are not allowed to say pass away, or lost, in order to heal, you have to say died, your child is not lost, he is not coming back)it is such an overwhelming feeling. At first I felt numb, I thought that I had prepared myself, but there is nothing that can prepare you for this total emptiness. I held him, I bathed him, and when the time came to leave him, I kissed him, and told him I would see him later. I thought that I had done fairly well, I went out of his room hugged his wonderful nurse Stacy, and Doug and I walked down the hall. We were at the door, when I crumbled. I told Doug that I could not leave him, that I had never left him at the hospital by hisself, I felt like I terrible mother leaving my child there like that. Adam had been in the hospital several times, and he had never been left alone, one of us was always with him. I was a failure, I was leaving him. Then the numbness took over, and all the way home, I just felt empty. The days that followed at the funeral home, were hard, but to be quite honest, they were also the easiest. At the funeral home and afterwards for a couple of weeks, we had cards coming in and people calling with comforting words and that helped alot. Now we are supposed to be moving on. I can't move on. The world is. People treat me like I am normal again. I will never be normal again, and I don't want to be treated like this is normal to be without my son. It's not. It is about as abnormal as you can get. I don't want to go to family get togethers, because they still have all there children, they can smile, and relax and have fun, and I don't want to celebrate. I just want my son back! This is the only place that I can come and share these feelings without hurting someone else. I don't want to hurt people, I love them all, but I don't look at things the same anymore. Material things are not important. I am bruised and sore. The other night at the George Strait concert, Adam sent me a very strong message, it was the last song that George sang, and I used to love it, but I don't really like it right now. I knew without a doubt, that Adam had sent that song to me, when George said at the end "See you next trip". I have never heard him ever say that at any other concert, he only said it in Pure Country, Adam's favorite show. Here's the words that tore my heart out.

Oh my heart is sinking like the setting sun
thinking of the things I wish I'd done
Oh the last goodbye's the hardest one to say
This is where the cowboy rides away.


I love you so much Adam. It's not goodbye, it's see ya later! You do not know how much I am looking forward to that day punkin. I love you so much! I got you a George Strait keychain, that I am goig to put on your grave today. I love you more than all the jellybeans in the world.Love, mama.

Sunday, March 28, 2004 3:08 PM CST

The concert was great! We had a good time. We did feel Adam's presence. He sang some of Adam's favorite songs from Pure Country. Today, however is an entirely different story, the anger is here in spades! The sadness overwhelming. This sounds so selfish, but I can't help it, I get so mad that this world is going on without him. I love all of my family and friends, but yet I am jealous of their happiness of their happy healthy children. I could not bring myself to just make 2 Easter baskets this year, so I did something I said that I would never do and bought Josh and Johnathon's baskets. The days just do not get easier, I thought I was doing alright, but then I just exploded on Johnathon a minute ago, because I am so tired of hearing I want this, I want that, ME Me Me! He never even acts like he misses Adam, and that is what I told him. I just don't have the strength to write more right now, I am so sorry to sound so incredibly selfish, but I can't help it. I am in this deep dark pit, and their is no way out! Adam's mom.

Friday, March 26, 2004 6:38 AM CST

Well the jellybeans were a bad idea! Adam your mama is so stupid sometimes! I never in a million years, would have thought that jellybeans would attract flies. Well I went to Adam's grave yesterday, and it was so nice and warm out, that flies were just swarming in front of his grave all over the disentegrating jellybeans! I was so crushed to think that I had done that! So I ran to the store, and bought some fly spray for gardens, and took it back to the grave well of course dumb me got one with the sprayer cap missing! So I had to push on the little tube to get anything out, and I had it all over my hands, it was a mess! And there is this old woman driving around in her car staring at me like I am doing something illegal! Finally I turned around and stared her down and she left! I was in tears, because I had caused all of this! So anyway, in case any of you didn't know when jellybeans disentergrate, they leave a very unattractive smell, that attracts flies and bees! Sorry Adam! Mama loves you so much and I miss you more every day sweet boy! I am praying very hard that George is not canceled tomorrow, I need to feel you near me punkin! Love, your dumb mama.

Thursday, March 25, 2004 7:23 AM CST

First of all, I want to thank all of you so much, for still getting on here, and paying tribute to the wonderful little boy we knew as ADAM. You do not know how much it means to me that people still care! I have a prayer request. I am asking you all to pray for a wonderful little girl named Lakota. Her mom Debbie signs Adam's guestbook, and their is a link to her site there. I do not know much about computers, so I do not know how to put her link on here but if I did I would. Lakota is still showing blasts in her bone marrow, so she needs lots of prayers for a complete healing. My heart goes out to this family, because they have already buried two children. That would just be unbearable, I am still just barely hanging in here after losing Adam. Please pray really hard for a healing for Lakota, and please stop by her site and say some encouraging words. You all were so wonderful to us, and to Adam, I know that you will pray for Lakota. I do not understand why some are chosen to be healed, and some not, but I pray with all my heart, that Lakota is one of the ones that God heals. I know that he can do all things! This life without your child stinks. You are always aware, even in your sleep, that half your heart is missing. I would not wish this pain on anyone in the world. Do not take a single moment for granted. Remember that children are a blessing, and treat them as such! Love, in Christ, Angel Adam's mom. P.S. If anyone knows how to put music on a site, will you please e-mail me and let me know how? Our e-mail address is below. Thankyou, Adam's mom.

Wednesday, March 24, 2004 7:09 AM CST

New Pictures! The 3rd one you have to move your arrow to the right to see!Dear family and friends,
I went to the compassionate friends meeting last night. It was hard at first, because once again I was the only one their without a spouse, and this time I went completely alone. They all try their best to make you feel welcome though. There was a guest speeker there, and I am so glad that I went, because he is a funeral director (I know, sounds like a blast right) but what he was there for, was to tell us about things to do to remember your child. He showed us this beautiful video of his own life, that he can have made for each of our children, for only 15 dollars. It was absolutely beautiful! All you do is give them 50 pictures, and 3 songs and they make your video from the pictures. It is so cool! I can not wait to get Adam's done. He does these for most of his funerals, and they play them at the beginning of the funeral. I wish we would have had that option. Anyway, the meeting went well. I thought about my lovely Adam all the way home, he was such a sweetheart! He was spoiled in the fact that anything that he wanted, he pretty much got, either from us or from the grandparents. But in actions, he was not spoiled at all. I wouldn't let him be. We taught him early on about treating every one of his nurses and doctors with respect. He was always thinking of others, we had to make him pray for himself. Everyone I talk to said that Adam was nice to everyone. Sure he fought with his brothers, but that is normal. He was just an exceptional child. I have to be very careful, and watch myself, because I get angry with my other kids, because they are so immature and selfish sometimes. Adam was like a grown up, because he had to be, because of everything that he went through. He emphatised with others. He took his medication, never complaining, went through spinal taps for 71/2 years 3 of them with nothing for sedation. He was a trooper! Love in Christ, Angel Adam's mom.

Tuesday, March 23, 2004 2:28 PM CST

Dear Adam,
I love you and miss you so very much punkin! I just got done watching a video of you in your last 2 months. It was so good to see your beautiful face again! You were so handsome! I hope that you know how very much that we miss you in our lives. We are going to the George Strait concert this Saturday, hopefully if he doesn't cancel again. Please be there and let us feel you punkin. This last week has been extremely hard without you! I am debating weather or not to go to the compassionate friends meeting tonight. I don't want to go alone, and I doubt that your dad will go. My heart still hurts for you. See you later sweetpotater, Love, mama.

Monday, March 22, 2004 5:32 PM CST

What a day! I have been spring cleaning, and found some things that made me cry. I was cleaning our bedroom, when I found a small little present pressed between my dresser and the wall. It was a Christmas present from Adam for my mom. I had forgot all about it, and I had wrapped it for him, because he couldn't see without holding his eye open, and it is kind of hard to wrap a present with one hand, besides he didn't have the energy. I don't even remember what it is. I called my mom to let her know that I found it, and she started crying. I moved his dresser with all of his stuff in it into our room, and his gun and guitar and his favorite stuffed animals. I love that boy so much! I wish I could just touch his little face again. Our hearts hurt for him. He was just so special! Love in Christ, Angel Adam's mom 4-ever.

Sunday, March 21, 2004 11:36 AM CST

Today is 3 months since our baby went to heaven. It seems like an eternity! We miss him so very much. Doug and I went to the cemetary yesterday, and we both cried. Hug your children tight, and never let a day go by without telling them that you love them. That is one thing we have no regrets about Adam Douglas Kindell knew that he was loved! He was told all the time. Please do not forget to sign the guestbook, it means so much! Love in Christ, Adam's mom.

Saturday, March 20, 2004 2:01 PM CST

We went to my mom and dad's last night to hear a song that one of my dad's friends wrote for Adam. It was absolutely wonderful! Doug and I both cried. I hope he does not mind if I put the words on here, but it is so beautiful, that I wanted you all to read it. It was even more beautiful when Doug (Risner)sang it. And please do not forget to sign the guestbook!!!!!!!!

Adam was a little boy who loved life here below
Adam was a gift of God and this we surely know.
Adam had his trials on earth but now he's safely home
And it was in his final hour he did not go alone

The soldiers came and said it's time
the battle you have won
it's time to take your armor off
the enemy has gone
For Jesus died upon the cross
And made a place for you
So now you'll be with angels there
and little Randy too

Chorus:
For Jesus is the master of the sea
and Jesus paid the price for you and me
For Jesus will be with us to the end
Cause Jesus is our dear and sweetest friend

When Adam left it broke the hearts
of loved ones left behind
But Jesus said fear not my child
It's only for awhile
Cause soon I'll split the eastern sky
and death will be no more
and life will forever be
on Gods eternal shore.

Written by Doug Risner on Jan.4, 2004 (mommy's birthday)

Friday, March 19, 2003

Looking back on the memories of
the dance we shared
beneathe the stars above.
For a moment, all the world was right
how was I to know, that you'd ever say goodbye.

And now, I'm glad I didn't know,
the way it all would end
the way it all would go,
Our lives are better left to chance,
I could have missed the pain,
but I'd have had to miss the "dance"

Holding you, I held everything
for a moment wasn't I a king.
If I'd only known how the king would fall,
well who's to say, well I might have changed it all,

And now I'm glad I didn't know,
the way it all would end
the way it all would go,
Our lives are better left in chance I could have missed the pain,
but I'd have had to miss the "dance".

Sweet Adam,
I wouldn't have missed our"dance" for the world! Love, mama

First of all I would like to say; Adam mama loves you very much, BUT ENOUGH WITH THE SNOW! I realize that you are having fun, but personaly I am ready for Spring! It is almost baseball season! Go Reds! Since you can't root for them this year, I will be doing it for you. We found one of your games on a tape the other day when daddy was getting ready to tape something, and we both agreed that we could not tape over your game. I just came from the cemetary, and I put some Easter things on there. But you already know that don't you? It breaks my heart to not be able to make you an easter basket this year. You loved the snickers eggs! I love you sweetheart more than all the jellybeans in the world! Love, mama.

I found out last night, that the PTO at Adam's school, has decided to make a memorial garden in Adam's memory. Isn't that great! I cried when I found out! That is all I want is for my baby to be remembered! We are going to try to have it on his birthday, and release green balloons again. They are going to have a bench with a plaque on it that says in memory of Adam Kindell. I can not tell you how happy this makes me. The PTO has just been wonderful. They are the ones who did the fundraiser for him, and when he was having his transplant, they sold buttons that said "Kindell kicks it". Well he finally did that didn't he? Just not the way we wanted. Thank you all so much for all that you did for my little boy! We love you all!
Thanks to the people who still sign the guestbook! We have truly been blessed to have such great friends and family! Thanks and God Bless! Love in Christ, Angel Adam's mom.

Monday, March 15, 2004 4:52 PM CST

I have nothing good to say today, so I had better not say much! Thanks for still signing in here, it helps. Love, Adam's mom

Saturday, March 13, 2004 3:16 PM CST

Isn't he a cutie pie? What a little sweetheart! I miss him so much! Guess what? The George Strait concert was cancelled for the second time! George is having some really bad allergy problems I guess. I was a little disappointed, but he has rescheduled for the 27th, of March, and our tickets will be honored. I am hoping that he is well by then. Thank you all so much for still stopping by and honoring Adam, that means so much! Please remember the other children and families fighting these diseases in your prayers! Love, Angel Adam's mom.

Hey sweetboy,
Mama and dad miss you so much! I just came from your grave, and I put a little plastic gun on it with a sheffif badge. I was at the dollar store, and it reminded me of you! You always had a toy gun in your hand. Everywhere I go there is something that reminds me of you! We love you and ache for you every day. Love, Mama and dad, Johnathon, and Joshua

Friday, March 12, 2004 8:30 AM CST

I hate animals!!!!! I was just sitting here minding my own business, doing my homework, when I hear a loud crash. So I put down my books march into the kitchen to see what is going on, and there on the floor was a huge pointsettia that we got for Adam's funeral! There was dirt all over the place, and as I got in the kitchen, Angel one of the cats ran and jumped on top of the refrigerator looking very ashamed (as she should be)! So I am screaming at the cat for dumping the flower on my newly shampooed carpet, all the while I am cleaning it up, then I march back in the living room to do my homework, and Gabby(Adam's dog) has chewed up a black ink pen, and there is black ink all over my carpet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! They are worse than children! So I threw the dog outside, and I still haven't let her back in yet, the scoundrel! I could just hear Adam laughing at me all the while I was muttering about stupid animals not belonging in a house, that is why God gave them fur for Pete's sake! Sorry Adam!Anyway, I am looking forward to the George Strait concert tonight, I am hoping that Adam will give Doug and I a sign that he is there with us. Adam just loved George, he got to see him once when he was 5 but we had to wait so long for all the other artists to come on that he fell asleep during George. We had been wanting him to come to Columbus for a long time, so that he could see him again, and now he is here, and Adam is not. But he will be with us in spirit. Yesterday in Algebra as I was sitting there, I heard his voice say "I am here". That made my day let me tell you! I had not heard him in so long. It doesn't seem possible, that it hasn't even been 3 months, because it feels like an eternity. Please keep Doug and I in your prayers we have some other things going on besides this constant heartache. Thank you all so much for all the prayers and thankyou to all the people who still sign the guestbook, you do not know how much that means to me. I want to keep Adam's memory alive forever! That is my new job! And don't forget to pray for all the sick children out there fighting every day for their lives. And all the parents caring for them and praying that they won't have to be where we are now. Love, angel Adam's mom

Hey sweetie pie,
Daddy and I are going to go and see the "Strait Man" tonight, come and be with us, won't you? We miss the sound of your little voice singing his songs, and seeing you holding your guitar playing along. Your guitar is still sitting in our living room right where you left it! I can't move it. Your gun is there too, and your toothbrush still sits by mine in the bathroom. I love, you sweetie, more than all the jellybeans in the world! Love, mama

Thursday, March 11, 2004 9:04 AM CST

Oh Adam, I miss you soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much! Your the last thing on my mind when I go to bed at night, and the first thing I think about when I wake up. I thought when you passed away that day that I at least wouldn't have to worry if you are okay any more, that I would know that you are at peace. But I still worry. I worry that you did not know how much that I loved you. I worry that you look down on us and think that we have just forgotten you. I worry that I will never be worthy enough to go to heaven and see you again. I love you so very much! You taught me so much about life. You taught me to smile when you feel like crying. You taught me to never take life for granted, and you taught me how to love, unconditionaly. I love you and miss you more than you will ever know, you were, and are a huge part of my life. People think that I should be getting better, that I should not talk about you so much, but I can not help it. We were so close, we spent so much time together. I think I spent more time with you in your eleven and a half years, than I have spent with your dad since we've been married. It was always you and me at the hospital for weeks at a time. I remember resenting the fact that your dad could sleep at home in his own bed and I had to face endless nights in that hospital where I couldn't sleep. Now I am so glad that it was me with you. I only wish that we could have been somewhere fun during those times. We made the best of it though, didn't we? I think we watched every disney movie there ever was. And I don't know how many times you dragged me down to that toy room! And I think the giftshop made a mint off of us, especially when you were allowed to go there with us. Do you remember when you were playing with the bed controls, making the bed go up and down at 2am and I kept telling you to quit, and you broke the bed. The janitor had to bring you a new bed, because you had it in almost a perfect V and you were still in it! Of course you were laughing, and I was horrified they were going to charge us for a bed! But they didn't. I love you sweetie, more than all the jellybeans in the world, Love, mama.

Wednesday, March 10, 2004 8:52 AM CST

I can choose to be bitter or I can choose to be better, I choose to be better. I know that is what you would want Adam. You need to help mom be the kind of christian that God wants me to be. You were so good, that your job on earth was done early, and God welcomed you into his arms and said "Well done my good and faithful servant". If you think about it, you got the highest honor a person, can get. You completed your assignment on earth in half the time of most people, so you got the highest reward of all and got to see Jesus and live with him. I want to be able to be up there with both of you, so you need to help me, because I am weak and need set straight from time to time.
I love you punkin, Love, mama.

I was trying to put new pictures on here, but my scanner is not working.

THE ROSE

Some say love, it is a river
and that it drowns the tender reed
some say love, it is a razor,
and it leaves your soul to bleed.
some say love, it is a hunger,
an endless aching need

I say love, it is a flower,
and you it's only seed.

It's the heart afraid of breaking
that never learns to dance
it's the dream afraid of waking
that never takes the chance
it's the one that can't be taken
who can not seem to give,
and the soul afraid of dying
that never learns to live,

When the night has been to lonely
and the road has been to long
and you think that love is only
for the lucky and the strong
just remember in the winter
far beneath the bitter snow
lies the seed that with the suns love,
In the spring, becomes the rose.

Tuesday, March 9, 2004 6:01 AM CST

Thanks to all of you who still get on here and remember our son. Thankyou very much to the ones of you who leave messages! There is a song called "Whatever gets you through the night". Well this website, and your messages gets me through alot of nights. Things are starting to get a little easier, but like I said before the grief comes in waves. I will be doing okay, and then the floodgates open again. Don't ever forget to hug and kiss your children. When you are tired, and you just want to go to bed and skip tucking them in, I urge you to make the extra effort. Not a day goes by that I do not miss the hugs and kisses I used to get from Adam, and I make suret that I never miss kissing the other two goodnight. Children are so precious! Cherish them! There are two little girls that desperately need your prayers. Amanda, and Abby. Amanda is still just barely hanging on, and it is killing her mother to see her like this. Abby is in ICU with lots of problems. Please pray for these precious children! And if you have time please sign the guestbook! Love, angel Adam's mom.
Dear sweet Adam,
Daddy and I miss you and love you so much! Daddy wanted to know why I would put this particular picture on here? He doesn't like it, because it was right after you got out of ICU. I wanted everyone to see, that even when you were very sick, there was a hint of a smile on your face. I also wanted them to see what a brave little fighter you were. None of the doctors thought that you would make it through that, but you fought hard and you did! What a brave boy! I love you and miss you with all my heart punkin! Love, Mama.

Monday, March 8, 2004 9:54 AM CST

I went to the cemetary this morning, and put some more jellybeans on Adam's grave. I never realized before how many people die all the time, but there are always new graves being dug. Josh has been wanting me to take him to school in the mornings, so he has more time to sleep,so I have been taking him in and stopping at the graveyard while I am in there. I still go everyday at least once, usually once on the way in to town on once on the way out. Not that I feel closer to him there or anything, because I don't. This house is where I feel close to him. I will never move from this house. I just feel like I have to go to the grave as much as possible, so he knows how much I love and miss him. I no longer dread each day, I just think of them as one day closer to my Adam. Each day that I get through, I am one day closer to him. I am trying very hard to go on for the other boys, but part of me will be forever stuck in December 21st the day half my heart died. I pray for this anger to go away, for the peace that only God can give, but so far it eludes me. Love, angel Adam's mom.
Dear Adam,
mama loves you so much my sweet baby boy! Don't ever forget that! Please come and see mama and dad sometimes.
I love you more than all the jellybeans in the world!
Love, Mama

Sunday, March 7, 2004 7:11 AM CST

Sorry that I did not update yesterday, but I had some problems. Adam's dog, Gabby chewed up the cord conection to the keyboard on our computer. That dog! She is so lucky that she is Adam's dog or she would be gone! I had to get our old keyboard from our old computer so that I could type on here. It has been so windy around here that it blew Adam's Ohio State flag right off of his grave. We looked all around the cemetary, and could not find it, so I went and bought him a new one. I miss that little guy so much! Yesterday Joshua wanted to make chocolate chip cookies, and when we were making them, all I could think of was my other little helper. Doug was busy working on the taurus, and he came in and said the same thing, that he missed his little helper. The other two boys are only interested in video games. Doug tried to have Johnathon help him with the car the other day, and he had absolutely no interest. Doug's dad said that before Adam got sick one day he went by and Doug was under the car changing the oil, and there was another set of tiny little legs under there with him. That was our Adam, all boy. He has two tool boxes of his very own, and a tackle box the size of a small refrigerator full of various fishing lures and whatever. Every little thing reminds us of him. He used to peel potatoes with me, and the other day I was peeling potatoes and crying wishing he was there with me. I miss you bubby! Love mama.

Wednesday, March 3, 2004 7:09 AM CST

Hi all,
yes the migraine is gone today thankyou. I messed up when I said that the concert was this Friday, I meant next Friday the twelth. Sorry! I went up to Kenton Marble and Granite the other day. They said that the sketch was in and needed my approval. It was exactly like Henry had done they had just pieced it all together with the rest of the sketch, so I okayed it and they said that his stone would probably be in the office in 3 weeks, and I could come look at it. They are now saying that it should be placed by the first part of May. I hope so. I can not wait to see it.
Dear Adam,
mama misses and loves you so very much. Everything I see, brings a memory of you. Gabby just keeps getting bigger, and I know that you would just love her. Every time I call her stupid, I apologize to you, because I know that made you mad. I held Kimberly's baby yesterday, and I told Susan, that you would have just loved her! Are you holding lots of babies in Heaven? I hope so! I always thought that you were the one who needed me, but it is the other way around! I need you so much! My life is so empty and lost without you! I can't wait until the movie Brother Bear comes out, because that is the last movie that we took you to that you were able to enjoy. I want to get it, so I can feel close to you. I can still remember you singing along with the songs. When the movie first started, and I found out that it was about three brothers and one brother dies, I was uncomfortable, because I didn't know how you would take that. But it turned out good, because the movie showed you that even though the brother died, he was always close in spirit, and he could still help his brothers out. I wanted to kiss whoever thought of that movie, because I think it gave you some peace. I love you sweetheart, more than all the jellybeans in the world! Stay close to us! Mama

You came to us on a spring afternoon.
You weren't supposed to come so soon.
But you were perfect in every way,
He's beautiful was all we could say.
You made our family of three a family of four,
and every day we loved you more.
Your laugh, your smile, your cute little face,
the way you handled everything with grace.
When Josh was born and we became five,
I thought I was the luckiest mother alive.
But when you were three,on another spring day,
our happiness was taken away.
You had leukemia they said that day,
but with treatment he should be okay.
We watched you losing your beautiful blonde hair,
but you didn't really seem to care.
You pushed your little I.V. pole down the hall,
chasing a colorful bouncing ball.
You smiled when you should have been crying,
and you triumphed when you should have been dying.
For seven years you fought a good fight,
but on December 21st you saw the light.
God wrapped you in his loving embrace,
And we saw the peace come to your face.
We could not wish you back to pain,
our loss on earth is heavens gain.
We love you our sweet angel boy,
forget the pain embrace the joy.
Love,mama.

Tuesday, March 2, 2004 6:21 AM CST

Hi everyone,
The picture above is of Adam and his great grandma Roberts on Christmas Day 2001. I love that smile. That is a typical Adam smile. This is almost exactly how he looked this year before he got sick. He was so handsome! I went with my friend Amy to drop off her parents at the airport last night. Her dad is going to Houston to get treatments for his cancer. Please pray for Chalmer, he is a sweetheart! I hadn't been to Columbus since the day that Adam died. It was a little bit hard, but I made it. Amy and I talked about all the trips that we had made down there to the clinic with him. She used to go with us sometimes. He used to roll his eyes at us all the time. He thought we were real airheads.(He was right by the way) We call each other Lavern and Shirley, because every time we are together something nuts happens. Last night was no exception. We got lost. Oh well we had fun. I still feel guilty when I laugh and enjoy myself though. I hope Adam knows that even when I am having a good time he is never out of my thoughts, and there is always that empty hole in my heart. Well that is all for now, I have to go to the laundermat to do all of our blankets and comforters. Fun, Fun! Love angel Adams mom.
Adam:
I love you my sweet boy! You are never out of my thoughts. Yesterday in Columbus I felt you by my side. I bought George Strait concert tickets for daddy and me for this Friday night. We are going to see your favorite man. We are doing this in memory of you punkin. We are hoping that we will feel you with us! Love, mama and dad.

Monday, March 1, 2004 5:28 AM CST

The movie was very good! Although like you Diana I thought of Adam many times during the movie. Especially when Jesus would fall down. I would see Adam's legs giving out on him and him falling to the ground, as he did many times before he lost the ability to walk completely. The mother and son scenes just about tore my heart out. I told Doug there is no way I could have just stood there and watched someone do that to my son. I bet when it happened in real life, she had people holding her back! They would have had to hold me back! One time the same nurse stuck Adam 6 times and still couldn't find a vein, and she went to stick him a seventh and I just about tore her head off! It is so hard to see your children in pain! And to think that at anytime, Jesus could have called 10,000 angels to come and rescue him, but he didn't. He died for you and me instead! Well I am going to get off of here and go wake my boys up for school. Love, Angel Adam's mom.
Dear Adam,
I love you and miss you more today than yesterday! Joshua got sick last night, and vomited and as I held him, I thought of all the times I held you as you got sick. Which was alot. Johnathon actually said that. He said, "I hate throwing up, and Adam did it alot from all the chemo,especially after transplant". We will always remember what a brave beautiful boy you are. Daddy is putting a new enging in uncle Gregs Taurus, and he comes in all the time, and says that he misses his helper. We all know that you would have been right out there with him. Love you punkin, Mama

Sunday, February 29, 2004 6:07 AM CST

we are taking the youth group to see the passion of the Christ today. I have been looking forward to this. I think that this will be a very good movie. I am once again sorry that I vented on you all again yesterday. Some days are alright, and some days are unbearable. We took Joshua to see the movie 50 first dates yesterday, and that helped some, because it was hilarious. It did me some good to laugh. Johnathon went to club 180, a christian hang out for teens. They had 12 different christian rock bands there and he had a really good time. Please be patient with me. I really am trying. I know that smoetimes it seems like I am just drowning in self pity, but I can't help it. I remember reading other caringbridge websites, when Adam was still here and doing well, and I felt so sorry for the moms and dads, but then after awhile I would think "okay they should be getting a little better by now." Boy was I wrong. As the days go on, it becomes more and more clear that this is all too real, that I am not going to wake up. At the meeting the other day, the leader asked us to think of something that reminds us of our child, and one of the other mom's said "you show me something and I will tell you a memory". That is so true! Everything has a memory! When we were at the movie theatre yesterday all I could think of was the last time that I took Adam there and he got cookie dough bites and would not rest until I tried one because they were "s000000000000 good mom." I don't like to go in the garage, because there is his beautiful ten speed bike that he took such good care of. Adam took such good care of his things. Josh rode the 4 wheeler yesterday and I could see Adam on it the last time that he rode it giving Josh a ride. Once again thank you all for stopping by our little boy's website and still caring. In the words of Adam "your the best, better than the rest". Love, angel Adam's mom.
P.S.
Please remember all the sick children! There is a little girl named Lakota that really needs your prayers! They are afraid that she might have relapsed in her bone marrow, and she has alot of other problems besides the disease. Also Amanda still needs your prayers, and all the other grieving families.

Dear Adam,
We are going to see "the Passion" today, and though you didn't know anything about this movie, I know that you would have loved to see it, because you just loved Jesus. And now your are with him. You did like this song that came out just before you passed away though, so this is for you punkin.

HIS ARMS WERE STRETCHED OUT AS FAR AS THEY'D GO
NAILED TO THE CROSS
FOR THE WHOLE WORLD TO KNOW,

I LOVE YOU THIS MUCH
AND IM WAITING ON YOU
TO MAKE UP YOUR MIND
DO YOU LOVE ME TOO?
NO MATTER WHAT IT TAKES
IM NEVER GIVING UP
I LOVE YOU THIS MUCH!

Saturday, February 28, 2004 8:59 AM CST

Sometimes it is so hard to still be in this world, listening to what other people think are problems. This is another angry day, so I'll just warn you about that right now. I don't think I am safe to be around people today! I just am so angry that my child is gone from my life. There are so many worse people out there. Bad parents, people that drown their own children. I was a fairly good mother, and Doug was a wonderful father, why were we punished and not people like that? I don't get it. I listen to other people complain about things and I just want to scream at them to shut up. Do you know what it is like to go to bed every night and pray that your child will come to your dreams, because that is the only way that you can see him and talk to him. Do you know what it is like to beg God to die every night, because you don't think you can make it another day. They kept saying at the meeting that this would get easier in a year and I thought I am not going to make it that long. I don't know how I have lasted as long as I have. This pain is so intense that it has to eventually kill you! Yet I look at my mother, and she is still going after 26 years of losing her son. She is strong beyond belief. Once again I want to thank all of you who still check in on this website. You do not know what it means to us that people still remember our Adam! The messages of encouragement and the sympathy cards that we still get touch my heart. I can not wait to go to the mailbox for encouragement. I save all my cards and I get them out sometimes and reread them. Each plant that was sent to the funeral home is a sign of love and memorial for our little boy, and I am trying my darndest to keep them alive. You don't understand until you have been through something like this what those little things mean to someone going through a loss. Angel Adam's mom forever.
Dear sweet Adam,
We put some new things on your grave today, I hope that you like them. We took off the Christmas things, and tried to make it a little more like spring. Grandma and Grandpa Roberts got you the beautiful Ohio State stepping stone.They got it for valentines day, but the ground was to hard for the stand to go in. So we put that up today and an Ohio state flag that I had bought awhile back. I love you sweetie, more than all the jellybeans in the world. Love, mama and daddy

Friday, February 27, 2004 12:48 AM CST

Shelly I love that poem that you wrote on here. It is very true. And the one that Judy put on here was beautiful as well. Thank you both. Sydney I am putting a picture on here to show you just how much Adam loved you! He would get off the bus and tell me cute stories of you all the time, and he would just smile. I think he admired your spunk! As I go through his pictures(I am making a scrapbook of his life)it seems like there are more with smiles than without. Even when he was his sickest, there was usually a smile. That special Adam smile. My mother-in-law said that he did that crooked Elvis smile for me. Could be. He knew how much that I loved Elvis. Doug took the day off today, and we went into town for lunch at Adam's favorite place, KFC. We bought a new wind chime for his grave, to replace the snowman. Sorry, Adam, but Mama is ready for spring. I know that you like to pour out the snow, but enough already!!!!! My heart still hurts for you, but in my dreams last night, I heard your laughter, and it brought me some peace(for now at least). They were right at the meeting, when they said that the grief comes in waves, one minute I am okay, and the next it is unbearable! I love you sweet boy! More than all the jellybeans in the world! Oh yeah! It is jellybean season right now, so to all of you who stop at Adam's grave don't be surprised if you see jellybeans scattered everywhere, it's just my way of telling him I love him. See ya later Sweetpotater, Love, mama.

Thursday, February 26, 2004 7:28 PM CST

New Pictures! I'm late, sorry! I had so much to do today. I had an algebra test that I had to majorly study for, and then I had to go to the grocery and clean the house, and I met my sister-in-law for lunch. Thanks Deb, that was nice! The one thing that I learned from the meeting the other night that I am going to do, is I am going to start telling people what I want in terms of Adam. The leader of the meeting, said that you have to tell people what you want where he is concerned, because they are too afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing. I know that this is true, because I remember times when I specificaly said nothing, because it was easier for me. I will never ever do that again after being in this situation. I can only pray now that those people forgive me for my ignorance. Anyway from now on I am going to let my family and friends know that I love to hear Adam's name. And that I don't like it when people change the subject when I mention him. That when you are refering to my family on paper and it asks how many children I have you better dang well put three! And when putting a list of our names as a family his name had better be there. He was and always be a very important part of our lives. When I got home from school tonight, Doug told me that he had called his mom to talk to her(his stepgrandma just passed away last week) she said that she hoped that we were not mad, because she put Adam's name under the list of great grandchildren. Doug told her that we would have been mad if they hadn't, just because his address is Heaven and ours is Kenton, doesn't mean that he isn't our son. Thanks to all of you who still sign this! And to those of you who read it. I have been praying that my boys would show more signs that they miss Adam, and tonight when I got home, Joshua was laying in his bed with a 5 by 7 picture of Adam beside his head watching Home Alone 3. Adam always loved all the home alone movies, he watched them over and over again. It brought tears to my eyes, to see him like that, lying in Adam's bed watching home alone. I asked him what he was doing, and he had tears in his eyes too, and said he just wanted to watch it with Adam like he used to. Priceless! Thank you Jesus, that he has not forgotten his sweet brother. Love, Adam's mom.
Hi sweet boy! Mama loves you and misses you so much! You probably heard that long talk that I had with God tonight about how much I missed you and if he could just send me another sign how I would be eternaly grateful! I miss you so much! I just want to touch your face, to put my hand on your chest and feel your heart. I have been reading all about Heaven, so I know that you have a heart. Love, mama.

Wednesday, February 25, 2004 4:23 AM CST

Hi everyone,

I had a really long angry journal on here, but I just erased it. I hope none of you saw it, because I wasn't at my best. The meeting last night went alright. There was alot more people than I thought. I was the only one who had lost my child to a sickness though. There was one couple who lost their 9 yr. old son to an asthma attack 6 months ago, but I think from the way that they talked, that it was an isolated incident. Most of the couples had teenagers that were killed in car accidents. I am already scared to death of Johnathon driving this year, and that just made it worse let me tell you. I definitely do not think I could survive burying another child! Alot of the feelings are the same as my situation, and alot different. You do not have to talk unless you want to, and I was quite alright with the not talking part, but my sister-in-law Teresa started talking about Adam right at the end of the meeting. The tears would not stop after that. One of the mothers came up to me, and said that she could not possibly know what I went through, because her daughter was taken in an instant on a 4 wheeler, and Adam had to go through 7 and a half years of sickness. It was funny that she chose that time to come up and say that, because I was really thinking the same thing. I can never really understand what they are going through, because I did know that my child was probably going to die. She told me the last time she saw her daughter alive, all she saw was the back of her head. She had no idea that it was the last time, or she would have told her she loved her. I at least had plenty of opportunity to tell my son that I loved him, but I also watched him suffer for a very long time. In any case, as they said we each share a common bond, a permanent hole in our hearts. We are bound together by grief. Instead of welcoming you to the group, their first words are: I'm sorry you have to be here. None of us would wish this pain on another human being. It was so odd that this man came up to me after the meeting, and said don't question your sanity, and don't care what other people think. You can't worry about them right now. It was so odd that he said that because I truly have been questioning my sanity. As they all were expressing there feelings though, I thought okay I am normal! They are feeling the same things I feel, and some of these people's children had been gone for years. The majority of them were 3 years into this grieving process. The father of the 9 year old that died 6 months ago said that he kept asking God for a sign that Ryan was alright. And 2 wks. after his son died he went back to work, this man came up to him that he didn't know very well, but their boys played ball together and he said"I don't know how to tell you this, but Ryan's okay." He said that he just looked at the guy and the man said two days after Ryan died my son had a dream, he came downstairs and said "dad you have to tell Ryan's dad that he is okay. Ryan was in my dream last night and he said to tell his dad that he is okay."
The father was stunned. But then he laughed and he said that now he wants another sign. I have done the same thing. I ask God for a sign, and then I get it, but I am not satisfied. I want to keep being assured that Adam is alright. Well that is all I have strength for. I am emotionaly drained.
Love, Adam's mom.

Monday, February 24, 2004 7:25AM CST

Well another day, yippee! This stinks! I know that I say that alot, but there are no other words to describe this horrible emptiness, except cuss words, and I am not a cussing woman. Doug and I prayed really hard that Adam would come to us in our dreams. He hasn't ever come to Doug, and he hasn't come to me for such a long time. Last night he was in my dreams, but again he was sick. I read web pages where moms have dreams of talking to their children and playing with them, and they are healthy. I want to have that kind of dream! The last 2 days have been extremely hard for Doug and I, we both have so much anger. It's okay for me, because when I am like this, I just lock myself in the house and don't go anywhere where I can take it out on someone, but Doug has to go to work and listen to people whine about stupid things, and I guess he isn't handling it to well. He told me it is a good thing that he takes his pills, or he would be demoted by now,and have a three day vacation. Everybody just seems to think that things should be getting better for us, but the truth is, each day is a little harder than the next. The thought of facing each day without that sweet little face is just heart wrenching. I have talked to some other mothers who have been through this, and they said that this is the closest that they ever came to insanity. I believe it! I can not stand to be around children the same age as Adam. And unfortunately I have a niece and two nephews that age. I just can't bear it! There are places that I can not go because of the memories. I just don't know how I am supposed to ever act normal again. Oh I smile and pretend that I'm not torn up inside, when I have to, but most of the time I don't go anywhere. I hope this meeting tonight helps. My sister-in-law Teresa is going with me.Please sign the guestbook, it really does help! Love, Adam's mom.
P.S. Please pray for Amanda. She is not doing well at all. This is tearing her mother apart.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Love you punkin, more than all the jelly beans in the world!

The Cord
We are connected,
My child and I, by
An invisible cord
Not seen by the eye.

It's not like the cord
That connects us 'til birth
This cord can't been seen
By any on Earth.

This cord does it's work
Right from the start.
It binds us together
Attached to my heart.

I know that it's there
Though no one can see
The invisible cord
From my child to me.

The strength of this cord
Is hard to describe.
It can't be destroyed
It can't be denied.

It's stronger than any cord
Man could create
It withstands the test
Can hold any weight.

And though you are gone,
Though you're not here with me,
The cord is still there
But no one can see.

It pulls at my heart
I am bruised...I am sore,
But this cord is my lifeline
As never before.

I am thankful that God
Connects us this way
A mother and child
Death can't take it away!

Sunday, February 22, 2004 12:23 AM CST

Dear Adam,
Hi sweetheart! Mama loves you and misses you so much. I saw Sydney in K-Mart today, and couldn't help but think of you and how you loved her. You just loved little kids. You were so patient and kind with them. You were just too good for this earth, so God took you home to be with him. I know that you are happy, and I am glad that you are, I truly am. I just wish that we could have found that happiness for you here. Mommys are supposed to make all things better for their little ones, and I couldn't do that for you, I never could. I could run a marathon, but you never could. Are you running now sweetie? I am going to go to a meeting on Tuesday for grieving parents. I got the okay from school to miss, so that I could go. I wish daddy would go, because he misses you just like I do. But he does not want to yet, so we will just keep praying. We have always kind have been like that though. I have to talk about things that bother me, and he doesn't. Well, see you later sweetpotater! Love mama.

Saturday, February 21, 2004 5:56 AM CST

New pictures!2 months without our Adam. It seems like an eternity! I can't believe it was only 2 months ago since I held him in my arms. What a sweetheart! I miss him so much. Doug said that he had a really bad day yesterday. Thankyou Johnny for being such a good friend to him, and letting him vent on you. There are days when I just want to tear into everyone. He is on meds so he doesn't have them as often, but he still has them. This grieving stuff stinks! I ask Doug all the time how we are supposed to go on without him? It just don't seem right, that I am still here, when my baby isn't. I think back to all the times that we went to Columbus to the hospital together. For almost 8 years we went back and forth to that hospital. He was going 5 days a week when he was first diagnosed. There were many times, when I would have to take him there at 2am or 4am, because he had a fever. Whenever a cancer kid has a fever, and they have a port they have to go into the hospital every time they have a temp. of 101 or higher and stay for a couple of days on antibiotics, just to make sure that it is nothing serious. Any way we would go down there together, just him and me, and we would talk and sing country music together. And on the days that we had clinic appt. we made the whole day of it, and went out to eat and to the Tuttle mall or Wallmart. Adam loved to buy those collectable cars. He has I don't know how many of them. When Doug makes his room, we are going to put up shelves and display all of his cars. His favorite was the viper. He was wanting an element when he passed away, but we couldn't find one. We are still looking for one to add to his collection, so if anyone knows where there is one, please let me know. Well that is all for now. Thanks once again to those of you who still leave messages. They mean alot to us. Love, Adam's mom.
Dear sweet Adam,
Mama and dad miss you so much punkin. We miss your smile, your laugh, your yelling at your brothers for being mean to the animals. Baxter misses sleeping with you, so Josh started sleeping in your bed to keep him company. You wouldn't be very happy if you could see your bed now. Spongebob has taken over! You hated spongebob! But Josh loves him, and since I took your digimon comforter for myself, Josh moved his spongebob comforter down from the top bunk to your bunk. Love you punkin! More than all the jelly beans in the world! See ya later sweetpotater!Mama

Friday, February 20, 2004 12:08 AM CST

Dear friends,

I had breakfast with my friend Amy today. We had a good time. We talked alot about Adam. She is so sweet. She always lets me talk about him, and she doesn't ever act like she gets sick of it. Instead she cries with me. Her little boy Brady, was Adam's best friend, and he turns 11 this Sunday. She is having a birthday party for him tomorrow, and wanted to invite Joshua, but was afraid to because she was afraid to make me sad. I told her that it did not bother me at all if Josh goes. Brady,Adam, Josh and Alex always played alot together. She was afraid the mentioning of Brady having a birthday, would upset me, but that is not the case at all. I just wish that my Adam could have been there to enjoy that with him, and I know she does too. Adam is in Heaven wishing Brady all the joy in the world, I am sure! He loved his Brady! If anyone asked him who his best friend was, he would first say Jesus, and then say Brady Collins. Have a Great Birthday Brady, we love you. I got some more papers from Adam's school that he wrote. Here is one of them.

The food at the fair was good!
I like the salt water taffy because it has a good taste.
I like funnel cakes because the powder makes it very good.
I like the corndogs because I like the way they taste when you bite into them.
I like the apples with caramel sauce, because it tastes the best.
I like the french fries because they melt in your mouth.

Thursday, February 19, 2004 8:40 AM CST

I'm sitting here thinking how blessed I am to have all of you who come here to remember my sweet little boy. Thankyou! The good memories seem to be taking over for the bad, and I am so grateful for that! There for awhile all I could remember were the bad days. I am so glad that I have so many pictures of Adam and that he tape recorded hisself before he passed away. I can not even tell you how many times that I have listened to that tape. I am afraid that I am going to ruin it. He taped it in November, when he still felt reasonably well. We were getting down the Christmas tree from the attic, and Adam was sitting on the couch with my mini tape recorder,talking into it. A couple of nights before, I had taped him singing his George Strait songs from Pure Country into it. He had such a sweet little voice. But on this particular day he was just talking into it, and he said: "We are putting up our Christmas Tree, and this is my puppy Gabby, and this is going to be her first Christmas with us. She's about 13weeks old, she likes to chew alot. And now I am going to drink my chocolate milk".
Then pretty soon you hear him say,"Johnathon is throwing a temper tantrum, and Josh just yelled at my mother.
It is just the sweetest thing in the world. The boys say that they miss the "informer", which is what we always called Adam, because when anyone was doing anything wrong, Adam would come and tell me.One day in church, when Pastor Denny was doing the childrens message, Adam raised his hand and said"my dad says bad words sometimes." Doug wasn't very happy at the time, but now he laughs about it. I remember telling Adam this year that I would tell him a secret if he promised that he would not tell the boys.(It was a present for them) He said "Then you better not tell me." He knew he couldn't keep a secret. Well that is all for now, thank you all for visiting, and leaving messages! Love, Adam's mom.

Better baby your baby
with a love that's strong.
Hold him and tell him,
you'll never do him wrong.
Better baby your baby,
cause if you don't
one day your baby'll be gone.

Tuesday, February 17, 2004 7:43 PM CST

Thanks to all of you who left the wonderful messages! They were extremely nice and thoughtful. I am sorry that I went off like that, sometimes I just get so angry. I know that Adam would not like his mom acting like that, and I am truly sorry! I just miss him so much! This is harder than I could have ever imagined. Adam sent his mom some good news today. I got an 89 on my algebra mid-term. It's not the greatest, but I'll take it. Again thank you all so much. I don't know why you put up with me. Jenny thank you so much for the wonderful book! I have met so many caring people through this tradgedy. God Bless you all so much! Love, Adam's mom.

I believe there are angels among us,
sent down to us,
from somewhere up above.
They come to you and me,
in our darkest hours,
to show us how to live,
to teach us how to give,
to guide us with the light of love.
To guide us with the light of L-ove.

Tuesday, February 17, 2004 6:39 AM CST

On December 21st, when Dr. Kathy pronounced Adam gone, I asked her, "how do you live with half a heart?" I am still trying to figure that out. Some days I am half way decent like yesterday, and then there are days like this one, when I am just so angry and lost without him. This anger consumes me. I get so angry that some people just act like he did not exist. My house is full of pictures of Adam. They are everywhere but the bathroom, and I am working on that. I have to bring Adam up in conversations, or his name does not get mentioned. What is up with that. He lived. He was and is a very important part of my life. I just do not get it. People change the subject when I bring Adam up. Or they ask about the boys. Well I know this sounds horrible, but you know what? They are here, they are alive, and they are loved and taken care of. They act like their brother never existed just like everybody else around here. Like it is just peachy to go on without him. And sis if you write on here about how people grieve in different ways and I should care more about my children, I am warning you now, that I will erase it. This is the only place in the world I can come to and feel that Adam is still loved and missed, don't turn it into something else. I have lived on eggshells for weeks, because my husband did not want me to talk about Adam, because it made him sad. And everyone tells me that I have to let him grieve in his own way. Well I have to grieve in my way too. I have to talk about my Adam. He has to know that his mommy loves and misses him so much! This place is the only place where I am alowed to speek of him without being hushed. He is my son! I love him, and am lost without him. My other children are just as loved, but I can still see them and touch them, and feel them breathe. This is all I have. I am sorry to be so angry, but I can not help it. This is not directed at anyone on this website. You have all been extremely wonderful to me. Love, Adam's mom.

Monday, February 16, 2004 4:59 AM CST

I wanted you all to know, that I just found out that little Jacob is doing the best he has done since transplant. The surgery really helped! Thank you all for your prayers! Please continue to remember Amanda, her family is still praying that she will go peacefuly. I can tell you from experience, that it helps so much not to see them struggle for breath. Also Dylan became an angel, so please pray for his mom and family. Thank you all so much for still getting on here and remembering Adam with me. It means so much to me. Thanks to the ones who leave messages! The drawing that Henry made for the stone is beautiful, and if I can figure out how to get it on here, I will put it on. I don't really have anything else to say, except this learning to live without him, is killing me! My heart hurts! I have learned from other suffering mommy's that it is normal to have chest pains for a long time.Love,Adam's mom.

Dear sweet Adam,
I love you so much and miss you terribly. I miss my little soap opera buddy. The nurses used to think that I was terrible for letting you watch them with me, but oh well. I can still remember you getting home from school, and asking me what was happening with everyone on the show. I love you punkin! See ya later sweet potater!

Sunday, February 15, 2004 9:10 AM CST

I just wanted to tell you all something that happened when I was in Kroger one day. I was getting ready to leave kroger, when this lady, a cashier came to me, and put her hand on my arm. She had tears in her eyes, and she said " I just wanted you to know that Adam touched many lives. When my mom was getting chemo, she was scared and frightened. They sent her down to draw blood from her, and Adam was there, and he had been through it all before, and he patted her arm and told her it would be alright, and brought her a juice and an apple. He really touched my mom's heart." I did not even know this woman, and I could only vaguely remember it, but I was touched that she remembered what a sweet boy that he was. I got a letter the other day, from one of our neighbors. It was such a beautiful letter. She told me how much she loved and missed Adam, and how wonderful he was with her daughter, who was born legally blind and with some other problems. Adam would go play with her all the time, and he was so kind and patient with her.He was a wonderful little boy. Adam here is the new George Strait song, that I played at your grave the other day. I decided to put the words on here, since he was your favorite singer and the words are very close to the way that I feel. Love you, mama.

Every night it's the same,
I hear you calling my name
Your lyin next to me
I give in to your charms
you disapear in my arms
I realize it's just a dream,but

desperately I long to feel your touch
But you left me all alone in love.
And now
I shake the sleep fom my head
And try to crawl out of bead
today is just another day
I make the coffee for one
turn the radio on
pretend that everythings okay.

desperately I long to feel your touch
you left me all alone in love.
And now I
Know there's no reason to smile,
it's gonna take me awhile,
Cause I still love you desperately.

desperately I long to feel your touch
you left me all alone in love.
Now I watch the sun goin down.
There aint nobody around.
I feel a night in the breeze.
I keep tellin myself,
I don't need nobody else.
And I can do as I please, but...

desperately, I long to feel your touch.
You left me all alone in love.
And now I
desperately I long to feel your touch,
you left me all alone in love.
And now
every night is the same
I hear you calling my name
I still love you desperately
I still love you
I still need you
I still love you desperately!

Saturday, February 14, 2004 2:55 PM CST

Happy Valentines day,Sweetie! Daddy and Mama and the boys love you so much! The balloon that I put on your grave the other day blew away, so we put another one on today. We love you and miss you so much!Amy, thank you so much for the balloons that you put on Adam's grave. They are very cute! Since you were the only other person in this house, that appreciated Elvis like I do, I am putting an Elvis song on here for you. You appreciate real talent when you hear it!

Since my baby left me,
I found a new place to dwell,
it's down at the end of lonely street,
at heartbreak hotel.

You left me so lonely baby,
you left me so lonely,
I,m just so lonely,
I could die.

Friday, February 13, 2004 2:20 PM CST

Well I went over to the college today, and took my first medical terminology test. I don't know how well I did, but oh well. Unfortunately I knew the first chapter very well without studying. It was all about the blood cells and their scientific names and get this, what does ALL mean? Like I said, unfortunately I learned the hard way what all of these mean. I still remember the first week that Adam was diagnosed, and they told me that I would have to learn to read blood counts. I kept thinking there is no way in the world that I can learn all this. But unfortunately it became as natural to me as telling time. I was thinking on the way home ( I think alot in the car)that I have done alot of things that I thought that I would never do. I remember all these years worrying about Adam dying, and I would say "I wouldn't be able to survive". I would look at the other parents that lost there children, and I would think they are so strong! How do they do it? I would just shrivel up and die. And here I am. And it has nothing to do with being strong! You do not have a choice! I wish it was so easy that you did just shrivel up and die when you lost one of your children, but unfortunately it is not. Dying is to easy. You have to live out this hell on earth wether you want to or not. I thank God that I have my wonderful mother to help me through this. She has been wonderful! She has been through this herself, so she knows exactly how I feel, and does not judge me. She simply says I understand! I think that is why God made her my mother.God does work in mysterious ways! Thank you all so much for all of the prayers and support! The sketch of Adam that Henry is doing looks really good! Love, Adam's mom.
Somewhere over the rainbow,
bluebirds fly.
birds fly over the rainbow,
why oh why can't I?
Your flying now, aren't you punkin?
Love, mama

Thursday, February 12, 2004 6:24 AM CST

Yesterday was a busy day. I had some erands to run, and I got a valentine balloon for Adam's grave. When I got home there was a message on my machine from Kenton Marble and Granite, saying that the sketch was in if I wanted to go and look at it. I waited for the boys to come home, since they got out early yesterday,and then we went in to look at it. I was disapointed with the little boy again. They send these out to be done, and this guy is just not getting it. He still looked like a short man, and this time he was not even in the boat with the father, but behind it.So I asked her if I could have my brother-in-law sketch the little boy and the father over. She said that was fine, I will just have to pay another sketch fee. I said that did not matter to me at all. I am going to have to live with this for a long time, and I want it to be right. After all this is the only thing I can truly give to Adam for his birthday this year. My brother-in-law will do a good job. He is a very good artist. He takes drawings to the fair every year, and always wins something. I feel confident that he will do a great job.Thank you Henry! I want to thank those of you who still leave me messages! They help. I know some of you say that you don't know what to say, but just to know that others care enough to just say hi, helps. We have truly been blessed to have such good friends and family. I have a midterm today, so I am getting ready to study for that. I just got my grades back on my last sociology and algebra test. I got 100 on the algebra, and a 96 on the soc. God and Adam are helping me without a doubt. There are times when I look at those test and I cannot think of anything but Adam. I put his picture in my hand for the last one and asked him to bring me luck. I want him to be proud of his mom.Well I had better get studying. Love in Christ, Adam's mom.
Dear sweet Adam,
I love you more than yesterday and will love you twice as much tomorrow. Paul's mom did our taxes yesterday, and she told me that Paul got his first deer. I started crying, and I know that she felt bad, but I can still hear your little voice telling dad that you wanted to get your hunting license for Christmas. Love, ya sweetheart, mama
A few prayer requests:
Amanda-Please pray for peace for this three year old with a brain tumor, it looks like it won't be long till God takes her home.
Miranda- Relapsed in Bone Marrow, also a three yr. old. She has ALL.
Sierra- SMA
Craig-9th round of chemo. Lets pray that he kicks cancers butt!
Dylan-Go peacefully, and for his mom to be okay with her decision.
Please lift these children up in prayer today. There are so many little fighters out there. They need our help! And don' forget to give blood! These little ones go through so much of it. I cannot tell you how many times Adam was transfused. You truly are saving a life when you give blood. I have not heard anything on Jacob, I pray all is well.

Wednesday, February 11, 2004 2:53 AM CST

Oh sweet Adam,
Yet again I am facing another day without you. This stinks! I love you so much! People just do not understand this emptiness inside of me. When I call the boys on my way to school to check on them, I speek to each one of them, and I want so desperately to hear your little voice too. You always would have something to tell me about your day. for 7 and a half years you and I were together almost constantly. When you couldn't go to school (and that was most of your life) we would play games together and play with your doctor stuff. You always wanted to be a dr. You used to get one of the dressing kits that I used to clean your implantifix, and work me over. I don't know how many times my entire arm was orange, from you taking the betadine to me. Remember when you were in the hospital (again alot) and I would crawl up in your bed with you, and we would turn off all the lights like a movie theatre and eat cheeto's? I miss snuggling with you so much! I remember that you told me one day that you were afraid that I would forget about you. Well there is no fear of that my child. You are forever in my heart! I got really mad the other day, when I saw something written about our family, and they had put mommy and daddy's names, and under our children, Johnathon and Joshua. I was furious! You are and will forever be my child, Adam. I can not sign a card without signing Angel Adam to it, or just the boys. I will never leave you out! Mama loves you so much! I was so disturbed when you first started calling me mama. I missed the mommy word. But like you said you were growing up, and so I have accepted mama. I love you more than all the jellybeans in the world, more than all the fish in the sea, more than all the stars in the sky! This is where you would tell me "okay that's enough". See ya later sweet potater! Mama.

Monday, Feb. 10,1:13pm

Thanks to all the people who lit a candle for our Adam! That means alot to us to know that he is still loved and missed by others! I miss my sweet boy so much! My heart hurts for him. Adam's star is finaly done! Please click on the heavenly lights memorial link below, and go to page 13. That is where Adam's memorial star is! And please click on the light a candle while your there and light a candle for him. Thank you! Love, Adam's mom.

Saturday, February 7, 2004 8:09 AM CST

Hi,
Once again, I cannot think of anything good to say on here.Doug and I are going to go away today and stay overnight somewhere. The boys are going to stay with my dad and mom. We know that the divorce rate increases with the loss of a child, and we can clearly see why. So we think we just need a little time together. Thank you all so much for your continued prayers and support. You will never know how much they mean to us. I have been getting things ready for my youth group meeting tomorrow night, and I have to say, that this is very interesting and compelling. We are going to be studying Mel Gibson's movie The Passion Of Christ. I am very excited to see it. Everything in it is very biblical, and there were so many people brought to Jesus in the making of this movie, not to mention the healings. No one has to worry about me doing anything stupid like killing myself. I am a christian. I know that is wrong. I want to see my Adam again, so I would never do anything like that. I have read a book that my pastor brought me called Good Grief, and everything that I am feeling is quite normal I assure you. I still love God with all my heart, and I can understand why he wanted Adam, but I want him too. Selfish or not, I cannot help it. Love, Adam's mom

And now I'm glad I didn't know,
the way it all would end,
the way it all would go.
Our lives are better left to chance,
I could have missed the pain,
but I'd have had to miss the dance.
I wouldn't have missed my time with you Adam for anything in this world! I love you, sweetie! Mama

Thursday, February 6, 2004 10 ;36pmCST

Adam, If I have to walk
If I have to crawl,
If I have to swim a hundred rivers,
Just to climb a thousand walls,
Always know that I will find a way
to get to where you are.
There's no place that far.
Baby there's no place that far!
I will see you again someday sweetheart!
I am trying to be the kind of person that God wants me to be, so that I can see you.
"Thy Will Be Done"

I'll lend you for a little while
a child of mine, He said;
For you to love while he lives
and mourn for when he's dead.
It may be six or seven years
or twenty-one or three,
But will you, 'til I call him back,
take care of him for me?
He'll bring his charms to gladden you
and should his stay be brief,
You'll have his lovely memories
as solace for your grief.
I cannot promise he will stay,
since all from earth return;
But there are lessons taught down there
I want this child to learn.
I've looked the wide world over
in search of teachers true,
And from the throngs that crowd life's lanes,
I have selected you.
Now you will give him all your love
and not think the labor vain
Nor hate me when I come to call
to take him back again.
I fancied that I heard them say:
"Dear Lord Thy will be done,
For the joy this child will bring,
the risk of grief we'll run.
We'll shelter him with tenderness,
we'll love him while we may;
And for the happiness we've known
forever grateful we'll stay.
But should the angels call for him
much sooner than we've planned,
We'll bear the bitter grief
and try to understand."

New Pictures!

Thursday, February 5, 2004 7:07 AM CST

Hi everyone,
I have to take Josh to the dentist at 10:45 today to get his two front teeth capped. So I just kept him home. I can't help but think of all the times that I had Adam home with me to go to Dr.'s appointments. We always made a day of it, by going out to eat, and if he had a spinal tap he always got money or a toy. He loved to go to hometown buffet and Bob Evans. I can not even go to Bob Evans yet. Well I had better get off of here and get some things done. I promised Josh that I would take him out to breakfast, because I am not sure he will be able to eat after his appointment. Love Adam's mom.
Dear Adam, I love you sweetheart, and I miss you so much,
I keep thinking about your last few weeks here, and how I regret some of the things that I did or did not do. I hope you know that when I yelled at you, it wasn't you I was mad at it was the disease. And when I get scared, I yell. I remember how you wanted to take a bath a 2am, and I wouldn't give you one because I was too tired. Please forgive me sweetheart. I would give anything to make that up to you. I was just selfish and I wanted my sleep. I'm sorry! Love, mamma.

Wednesday, February 4, 2004 5:49 AM CST

This picture was taken at my mom's.Look who has the gun. Imagine that!I think I failed my algebra test last night. I hate fractions! That is the area that we are doing right now. Oh well, we are on to decimals now, and I am much better at that, and our teacher drops your lowest test score. Hopefully that will be my lowest. I've got to tell you, it is getting harder and harder to concentrate. I am not so sure I shoud have gone back to school so soon. I think about Adam constantly, and I miss him so much. My migraines are back with a passion, and I couldn't even see the screen last night to take notes in sociology because my vision was so blurry. I can't take my pills when I drive. Enough complaining, I'm sorry. One of these days I'll quit wallowing in self pity, I promise.I just keep praying God will take me to my baby, if you love me you will pray for that too. Love, Adam's mom.
Daddy when I get to heaven
can I taste the milky way?
are we going there to visit,
or are we going there to stay?
Am I going to see my grandpa,
and see Jesus face to face?
And do you think that God could use another angel,
to help pour out the rain?

Monday, February 2, 2004 6:47 AM CST

Hi Adam, this is Josh. Hi Adam,love your brother,Johnathon.
Well I had a busy day yesterday. We have been trying to think of what to do with the rest of the memorial money that we have left. My friend Amy is treasurer at our church, and I had asked her if there was anything that we could buy the church in Adam's memory. She told me on Sunday that we could buy some bibles, so yesterday she and I went to Lima and bought 18 for the church and youth group. They are really nice bibles. Any way, the lady from Kenton Marble and Granite called yesterday as well, and she said that I could come up and look at the sketch for Adam's stone. It was beautiful except for the little boy. We had told them that we wanted a father and son fishing, and that is what she had told the guy doing the sketch, but she had forgotten to mention that the son was a young boy and not a young man. So the first time she got it, and saw that he had drawn a young man and an older man, she sent it back and told them that it was supposed to be a young boy. So anyway, yesterday when I went to look at it, I was dissapointed, because it looked like all the man did was make the guy shorter. Now it looks like a midget holding a fishing pole. He didn't change the facial features or the hands of the man. So I told them that I wanted them to have that changed, so that it at least looked like a little boy. They said that they should have a new drawing for me to look at next week, and that the stone should be done and placed by May. Which kind of dissapointed me, because they had originally told me March if we got some days above 32 degrees. So I told them that was okay, but I want it done by Adam's birthday. She said it would be.Well that is all for now, please don't forget to sign the guest book! Love, Adam's mom.
You don't know about lonely
or how long nights can be
till you've lived through the story
that's still living in me.
You don't know about sadness,
till you've faced life alone.
You don't know about lonely,
till it's chiseled in stone.
Adam Douglas Kindell 5-28-92 to 12-21-03

Sunday, February 1, 2004 5:15 AM CST

Adam were you here last night? Did you see your little brother beat us all at monopoly? It was quite shameful, let me tell you. I could just imagine what you would be saying if you were playing. You would have been very indignant! You were so much like me, you hated to lose. That little turkey was not being very nice about it either! When he would land on one of my places, he would pay me for the rent and he would say keep the change, I'm a millionare I don't need it! The nerve! It is funny, how whenever we do anything or go anywhere, we constantly think of you and how you would react. Whenever we are in a resturaunt, we say I know what Adam would have got, if he was here. The other day Joshua had to get some sparkling cider, and when he was getting ready to drink it he said, I know what Adam would have done if he was drinking this, and he held up his glass and said "champagne wishes and caviar dreams" in a voice like Robin Leach just like you used to do. Johnathon said that you helped him get his grades up this time. They both are giving their mom extra hugs lately, to make up for the ones you can not give. They are good boys! They are both praying for this storm to come tonight, so they can be off school again tomorrow. Can you believe that? They only went one day last week! I could just hear your voice on Friday when they found out they had to go to school. You would have said "Thank God!" of course you would have said it with that ornery grin on your face. You loved your brothers, but they could be a little loud and obnoxious sometimes, weren't they? Well I love you sweetheart, thank you so much for being with me this morning! I can feel you in my heart! Love, Mama.

Friday, January 30, 2004 5:47 AM CST

Hi to everyone,
I just want to say that I am sorry if the list that I put on here offended any of you. It wasn't meant to. You all have been so great to us, signing this book and being supportive. I got this list from another page, and because of some of the things that have been said to me lately by some family members and so called friends I put it on here. It wasn't directed at any of you that sign this. I thought that this list said everything that is in my heart. Again I am sorry if I offended anyone. I just wanted a few people that do not sign this, but do read it to get the picture. I will forever miss my son, it has only been a month. Give me some time. Love Adam's mom.
What do we wish others understood about the loss of our child? Here
is a partial list of such wishes:




I wish you would not be afraid to speak my child’s name. My child
lived and was very important and I need to hear his name.

I wish you wouldn’t feel awkward if I mention his name.

If I cry or get emotional if we talk about my child, I wish you
knew that it isn’t because you hurt me: the fact that my child
died has caused
my tears. You have allowed me to cry and I thank you. Crying and
emotional outbursts are healing.

I wish you wouldn’t “kill” my child again by removing from your
home his picture, artwork, or other remembrances.

I will have emotional highs and lows, ups and downs. I wish you
wouldn’t think that if I have a good day my grief is all over, or
if I
have a bad day I need psychiatric counseling.

I wish you knew that the death of a child is different from other
losses and must be viewed separately. It is the ultimate tragedy
and I
wish you wouldn’t compare it to the loss of a parent, spouse or
pet.

Being a bereaved parent is not contagious, so I wish you wouldn’t
shy away from me.

I wish you knew that all the “crazy” grief reactions that I am
having are in fact very normal. Depression, anger, frustration,
hopelessness, the questioning of values and beliefs are to be
expected following the death of a child.

I wish you wouldn’t expect my grief to be over in six months. The
first few years are going to be exceedingly traumatic for us.

As with alcoholics, I will never be “cured” or a “former bereaved
parent,” but will forever be a “recovering bereaved parent.”

I wish you understood the physical reaction to grief. I may gain
or lose weight, sleep all the time or not at all, lose my
short-term memory,
develop a host of illness and be accident prone, all of which may
be related to my grief.

Our child’s birthday, the anniversary of his death, and the
holidays are terrible times for us. I wish you could tell us that
you are
thinking about our children these days and if we get quiet and
withdrawn, just know that we are thinking about our child and
don’t try to
coerce us into being cheerful.

It is normal and good that most of us re-examine our faith, values
and beliefs after losing a child. We will question things we have
been
taught all our lives and hopefully come to some new understanding
with God. I wish you would let me tangle with my religion without
making me feel guilty.

I wish you understood that grief changes people. I am not the same
person I was before my child died, and I will never be that person
again.
If you keep waiting for me to get “back to my old self” you will
stay frustrated. I am a new creature, with new thoughts, dreams,
aspirations,
values and beliefs. Please try to get to know the “new me” — maybe
you will like me still.

Thursday, January 29, 2004 6:39 AM CST

How far is heaven?
I want to go.
To see my Adam,
he's there, I know.
How far is Heaven?
Let's go tonight.
I want to hold my,
sweet Adam tight!

Our arms ache to hold him. Please pray for us!, Love, Adam's mom and dad.

Wednesday, January 28, 2004 6:12 AM CST

little boy on his daddy's lap
hiding his disease with a baseball cap.
You can turn away most people do
but what if you were sitting in his daddy's shoes?

What if he's an angel sent here from heaven
and he's making certain that your doing your best
To lend a hand to help one another,
brother don't you want to pass that test?
You can go on with your day to day,
trying to forget what you saw in his face.
Knowing deep down you could have been his saving grace.
What if he's an angel?

Well I can't believe it! I got a 100n my Algebra test and a 95n my sociology test, and the teacher gave us each 5 extra points just for showing up. He was happy because no one missed and he didn't have to grade any makeup tests. So I got 100n that also. That was just by the grace of God, I tell you! I was just praying for a C. Then on the way home the roads were just treacherous, and I prayed the entire time. God and Adam were right with me , I could feel them. So anyway, I got home and got into a hot bath to soak away the tension, and Josh came running into the bathroom screaming and crying hystericaly(something he never does). So I knew he was seriously hurt. Johnathon had found out that one of Josh's friends had ripped up a magazine of his, and went into Josh's room and kicked him in the shins. Well Josh was not going to let him get away with that, so after he had recovered enough to walk, he went into Johnathon's room and punched him in the face. Johnathon then pinned Joshua down and preceded to pound on him. Anyway, by the time Josh got to me his arm was turning from red to purple and had a knot on it. Now it was mom's turn to hit the roof! (where do you think they got it from?) Needless to say Johnathon was not happy when he went to bed, and Joshua was still crying because his arm hurt when he fell asleep. I wasn't sure that it wasn't broken, but it wasn't swelled, besides the knot that is. It looks much better this morning though. Doug slept through the entire thing! I do not know how, between Josh's crying and me screaming like a banshee! All over a stupid magazine! So much for relaxing in the bathtub! Sorry for telling you all that, but I had to vent. God bless you all for still getting on here and leaving messages. Love in Christ, Adam's mom. New pictures!

Tuesday, January 27, 2004 10:32 AM CST

Well the boys are home again. I actually have 2 extras, they are playing X-box and being good though. One of my friends father has been dx. with prostrate cancer, and it is pretty bad. Please pray for the family. I don't want to mention names, because they might not want that, but please pray for this dear man and his entire family, it is possible to beat cancer, miracles do happen, I know. I saw Adam beat cancer 3 out of four times, because of the power of prayer. Please continue to pray for all the kids with cancer.I had another dream of Adam last night, but in this one he was not sick, I had just bought him two tickets to a Reds game, and told him he could choose me or dad to go with him, but he said that he wanted the whole family to go, so I had told him I would buy more tickets.And then I woke up and wanted to go back to sleep, so I could talk to him again. Love, Adam's mom.
To Adam:
If you get there before I do,
don't wait up on me.
I'll be there when my chores are through,
I don't know how long I'll be.
But I'm not gonna let you down,
darlin wait and see.
So between now and then,
till I see you again,
I'll be loving you,
Love,me.

Monday, January 26, 2004 4:24 PM CST

Hi everybody,
I am feeling much better now. My pastor, Denny saw my journal entry, and being the sweet guy that he is, brought me a book to read. It explains things very well. It says "And don't think you will mind stepping out of the body to be with Jesus. You won't who cares for old rags when riches are to be donned"? "Even when consciousness is fading, the presence of Jesus comes swarming through. There is no darkness in death". This is all from this book by C.S. Lovett. Thank you Denny those words did bring me peace. Adam told us he saw the light. I miss him so much, that I just had to know that he was with Jesus. That he wasn't alone. This all happened so fast, one minute Adam was the healthiest he has ever been, and the next he was sick and then in just a few short weeks gone. Sometimes it just doesn't seem real. Doug was saying today, that he missed his helper. Adam always helped him shovel the snow. This summer, we couldn't find him one morning, and I was starting to panic. Here came Adam with a couple of bags of corn.He had been in the garden and had picked all the corn for us. We miss our helper. Thankyou Denny for coming all the way over here in the snow and ice! Your an angel! Thanks Diana for all the versus, and thank your mom for me. Love, Adam's mom
Dear Adam, I saw this background, and thought of the sying that we always said to each other."I love you more than all the jellybeans in the world!" Love, Mama

Sunday, January 25, 2004 8:19 AM CST

Todays sermon was a hard one. Our preacher told us to try to see the joy in life, when it seemed as if the joy had been sucked out. He said that we had all been through hard times this winter, but God promised that we would have even greater joy after all the pain, that our life would be more joyful than before. I find it hard to believe that my life could even come close to the joy I had when I had all my boys, let alone even more so. I have been reading my bible alot the last few days, and there is one thing that bothers me alot. It says many times, how on that last day the dead in Christ will rise and the perishable will be made imperishable. I just cannot bear the thought that Adam is not in Heaven yet, that he has to wait in a deep sleep for judgement day, before he can enter in. Please if anyone can think of a place in the bible where it refers going straight to heaven please let me know.Love, Adam' mom. And please do not forget to sign the guest book. Last night I had a crazy dream.
A wish was granted just for me,
it could be for anything.
I didn't ask for diamonds,
or a mansion with a view,
I simply asked for one more day with you.

One more day, One more time.
One more sunset baby i'd be satisfied.
But then again I know what that would do,
leave me wishing still for one more day with you.


I miss you sweetheart, love, mama.

Saturday, January 24, 2004 2:26 PM CST

Not much to say, I miss my boy. Lots of good memories though. Seems everywhere I go there is a memory of him. We went to Family Video today, and all I could think of was how Adam would always go over to the dollar movies and most of the time pick out a dog movie. I don't know how many times he rented Shilo, or My Dog Skip. He also loved Muppet Treasure Island. My father-in-law brought me the books to read from the school, that have been donated in Adam's memory. They are beautiful books and Adam would have liked the meanings behind them. Thank's to all that donated them! Love, Adam's mom.

Friday, January 23, 2004 6:40 AM CST

This picture was taken April 30th, of last year at Eli-Penny school in Columbus. Adam was their "hero" representing the Leukemia Society,for Pennies for Patients. He is standing with one of the team mates from the Columbus Crew. My dreams were full of Adam last night. Not good ones though. He was sick in every one of them. I woke up thinking I had to get to him, and then I remembered that he wasn't sick any more, and I couldn't go to him any more. I felt relief that he wasn't sick anymore, not in any more pain, but at the same time the familiar emptiness came back, and the pain set in. People keep telling me that it will get easier, well I want to know when? Adam's mom.

Thursday, January 22, 2004 6:41 PM CST

Hi all.
I think I did really good on my algebra test today, but the sociology,ugh! I am just praying for a C. It was really hard! I studied and all, but the teacher words things so weird, I don't know how I did. I got out early though, so that is a good thing. I want to thank everyone again, for everything that you have done for our family! We have truly been blessed to have such wonderful friends and family! I know the only thing getting us through each day, is your prayers. Please continue to keep all the kids fighting cancer in your prayers. There are so many of them out there! I continue to pray for a cure for this dreadful disease. It is so senseless! Once again thank you all so much for all that you have done. You will never know how much it means. I have alot of trouble sleeping, and sometimes I come out here and get on this, and someone has left me a message, that makes things a little bit better. Josh is feeling much better. Thank you for the prayers. He got his grade card today, and some stories that he wrote in his journal. Here is one of them..........

My BROTHER'S DEATH

My brother Adam died December 21st, 2003.
He was a good brother. He spent his first Christmas in Heaven a few days ago, and he will be spending all other days with Jesus.

Wednesday, January 21, 2004 6:17 PM CST

My dear sweet little angel,
Mommy and daddy love you and miss you so very much! You brought so much joy to our lives sweetheart. You were such a fighter, even in the beginning. You were born 3 weeks early with the cord wrapped around your neck 3 times. Even at 3 weeks early you weighed 7# and 7ounces. Do you know that the bible says that 7 is the perfect number? God knew how special you were. He knew that you would teach us all a very important lesson, to never give up and to always keep the faith. You danced like no one was watching, sang like no one was listening and lived like every day was your last. You told me once that God talked to you. I believe that he did. He just got tired of talking to you from a distance, and brought you there to live with him, so that he could talk to you face to face. And oh what a beautiful face. Please tell God to help your brother Joshua feel better today. I believe you are watching over him, because he has had a really high fever today, and as you know he always has a fever seizure, when his temp. is over 102, and he has not today. Thank God for me will you punkin. Love, mama

Tuesday, January 20, 2004 7:40 PM CST

What a rough day!I probably will not update this tomorrow, because it will be a month tomorrow since my baby passed away, and I can not think of anything good to say. Today was going quite well, until I got some mail for him, and then the leukemia society called, and wanted to know how Adam was doing. That was the last straw. I just lost it. I didn't even make it to Algebra tonight, because I just didn't think I could take it. I did go to sociology class, because I have a test on Thursday, and he was going over what was going to be on it. Please continue to pray for all the kids out there still fighting cancer. They need it. There is a little boy named Colton, who especially needs your prayers. Thank you and God Bless you all for still reading this, and leaving messages. I know that I am not the cheeriest person in the world, but I,m trying really I am.Love, Adam's mom.

When tomorrow starts without me and I'm not here to see,
If the sun should rise and find your eyes filled with tears for me.
I wish you wouldn't cry the way you did today,
while thinking of the many things we didn't get to say.
I know how much you love me, as much as I love you.
And each time you think of me, I know you miss me too.
But when tomorrow starts without me, please try to understand, that the angel came and called my name and took me by the hand, and said my place was ready in heaven
far above, and that I would have to leave behind all those I dearly love.
As I walked through heavens gate, I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me from his great golden throne.
He said, This is eternity, and all I promised you."
Today my life on earth is past but here I start anew.
I promised not tomorrow but today will always last, and since each day is the same day there's no longing for the past.
So won't you take my hand and share my life with me?
When tomorrow starts without me I don't think we're far apart, for every time you think of me, IM RIGHT HERE IN YOUR HEART.

Tuesday, January 20, 2004 7:00 AM CST

Hi everyone,
Well the boys are home again. They just found out that they are cancelled. Josh is over on the couch playing the toy keyboard that Adam got from my mom and dad just before he passed away. He sat where Josh is sitting right now, and played it, and moved his head like Stevie Wonder. Adam never lost his sense of humor, he was always doing something to make us laugh. Johnathon said yesterday, that he bet Adam was having fun pouring out the snow. I was so angry, when it snowed this November, and he couldn't go out and play in it. Adam loved the snow, and there were alot of years, when he could not go out and play in it. I love this picture on here, like I said before, but if you look very closely, you can see that he had a cast on his left arm. Adam had broken his arm twice, and his foot once, because the steroids made his bones weak. When I was bathing him for the last time after he passed away, I was looking at his little body, and all the scars he had. Poor thing. He had countless surgeries to place and remove broviac catheters, implantifixes, he had a scar on his neck, where they did his biopsy of his lymph node (that is how we found out he had leukemia). He had scars on both arms where he had broken the one and had to have reduction surgery, and the other one where he had a pic line placed. Then of course all the scars on his forehead, where he had the shingles. The poor little guy. I thought of this yesterday, and I thought, at least he does not have any more scars. I used to joke with him, and tell him that if he ever ran out of things to talk about on his first date, he could just show her his scars, and that would pass a good hour. I could tell that they bothered him though. What a brave little soldier. I love him and miss him so much. I feel guilty when I laugh and feel half-way normal. Don't get me wrong there is never a time when I do not miss him, and want him here, but it is like I said before. I feel like he is all around me in this house. Thank you all so much for the encouraging messages. Thank you for all the prayers! I know they are what gets me through each day. And every day when I wake up the anger seems a little less. I no longer have to worry what is going to happen to Adam next, because I know that he is forever healed. The living in fear is gone for both of us, and that is one thing I am grateful for. I just wish it could have been an earthly healing. Thank you and God Bless you all! Adam's mom

Monday, January 19, 2004 6:24 AM CST

Alot of you have said that you liked this picture from the cabinet. It is one of my all time favorites too, so I put it on here. In the cabinet I have it next to a cross, that says fix your eyes upon Jesus, because that is what it looks like Adam is doing. He had the most faith of anyone I know. When he passed away in my arms, he was at peace, he had told us that the army men had come to get him, and that he saw the light, and it wasn't long after that, that he went to sleep and never woke up. I felt him leave though. I told Doug, we were truly blessed, because we were there when that blessed life came into the world, and we were there when he went out. God sent him what he needed, angels dressed like army men to take him to heaven. My mother-in-law said this, and I think that she is probably right. Great grandpa Kindell was in World War 2, and so was great uncle Phil, we wonder if they were the army men who met our precious boy that day. I believe they probably were. When I think about that day, I think about how I prayed for him to go quickly, so he would not suffer. But as soon as he left, I wanted him back. He fought so long and so hard, he deserves the peace that he is getting now. He is able to run and play like an eleven year old should. He can see out of both eyes! These are the things that I have to focus on, not that it is so hard here without him. The boys are home today for Martin Luther King day, and I am trying to think of something to do with them. They have been so patient with me lately, they deserve to get to do something special. Well that is all for now. Thank you all so much for the messages! They truly help! Thank you for helping me to remember my very special boy! Love, Adam's mom

Sunday, Jan. 18, 2004 5:52 AM CST

We just got back from Adam's grave. It seems so unreal to me that I have to visit Adam at a cemetary. Half the time I pretend he is here. I just pretend that he is in his bedroom playing his baseball game on his playstation. I can even picture him. And at night when I go to sleep I picture him as he always was, in the bottom bunk with his t-shirt on that Angel Anne got him and his pajama bottoms. That is how I am getting through this. Adam is not gone, he is just away for awhile, and I will see him again some day. The other day I spilled the dog food all over the floor, and I heard him laugh. Love, Adam's mom. I put a picture of Adam's cabinet in here. It is the second picture.Is there a reason that no one signs this anymore? Please leave me some messages, I love to read them. They help. Thank you for all of the continued prayers. I can feel them.
Oh Adam our sweet baby boy
You gave your family so much joy
A toy gun in your hand and a smile on your face
You endured everything with amazing grace.

This world did not always treat you kind
But you never really seemed to mind
Through spinal taps, and endless shots
You colored and connected dots.

Oh Adam our sweet baby boy
You forgot the pain and embraced the joy.
Please know that while we miss you so
We understand why you had to go.
You were tired and you needed to rest.
We know that God only takes the best.

We love you our sweet baby boy
forget the pain, embrace the joy!

Love, mamma

Friday, January 16, 2004 2:52 PM CST

I just have to add something else to this! Please if you have a video camera, record your children. I did not do it nearly enough, but what I did do is priceless! I have been watching the video of the boys this summer at Florida, oh if only I could rewind time and go back to that day! Memories are so precious! And don't just video tape things like school plays and special events, because when it is all said and done, it is the little things that you miss. I wish I had taped the boys getting up in the morning, saying I love you mom. Just to see him come around the corner again. It is the little things you miss. This is a picture that I found today of Adam playing at Ohio Caverns with some of his friends. I think it was 2nd grade. I have gotten several cards in the mail where some of you have donated books to the library in Adam's memory. Thank you so much! That means so much to us, that Adam's name lives on. I am still waiting to hear from Kenton Marble and Granite about the sketch that is going to be on his stone. I can not wait to see it. I can't wait until he gets his stone. It seems impossible to me that the world keeps going without him. I hope he knows, that we have not and could not ever forget him. Love, Adam's mom

Thursday, January 15, 2004 7:29 PM CST

Hi everyone,

Well I think I did well again on this algebra test. Hopefully I can keep it up. I had a pretty good day (as good a day as I can have without Adam) Sometimes it is just nice to have days to myself to talk to Adam and watch home videos of him and the boys. That is what I did today. I watched a Christmas play where he was an elf. He was such a cute litte elf! He was only going half days back then (I think it was second grade)so he did not get to practice as much as the other kids, but he did just as good, and you could tell that he just loved being there! Adam always took so much joy in little things that other kids take for granted. For him it was something that he got to do not had to do. I stayed home all day until it was time to go to school, and I felt so close to him. It is weird, when I don't take these pills, I feel so empty and lost without him, and all I do is cry, but when I do take them, I feel him all around me. I love my curio cabinet with all of his stuff in it. It is the essence of Adam, camoflauge, guns and baseball. Thank you all for your messages. Please keep the prayers going up.Love, Adam's mom

Wednesday, January 14, 2004 5:41 PM CST

Hi! I just put some different pictures on here. I got my hutch today to put Adam's Reds and Ohio State stuff in. It looks really nice, there is one whole shelf for Cincinatti stuff, one whole shelf for his Ohio State stuff, a shelf for his handguns and sunglasses, and a shelf for his trophies and beanies. I'll have to take a picture, and put it on here. I heard Adam's voice today, yelling mom. I had asked God and Adam for a sign that he was happy. I guess that was it. I think I did good on my algebra test yesterday even though it was another hard day. People in my class were talking about their kids growing up and going on their first dates, and how they were going to blackmail them with pictures they have of them as they are now, doing goofy things. I started crying right there and then. I don't think anyone noticed though, I hope not. Diana, I had a good time at lunch yesterday, thank you! It helps to be around people that don't mind me talking about him. Thank you to all of you who still leave messages! Love, Adam's mom
Adam I love you sweetheart, did you hear me play Buddy Jewels new song at your grave today? I knew that you would like the part about the Buckeyes! Love ya baby! Love, mama

Tuesday, January 13, 2004 12:44 AM CST

A Visitor From Heaven

A visitor from heaven
if only for a while
A gift of love to be returned
We think of you and smile

A visitor from heaven
Accompanied by grace
Reminding of a better love
And a better place

With aching hearts and empty arms
We send you with a name
It hurts so much to let you go
But we're so glad you came
We're so glad you came

A visitor from heaven
If only for a day
We thank Him for the time He gave
And now it's time to say
We trust you to the Fathers love
And to his tender care
Held in the everlasting arms
And we're so glad you're there
We're so glad you're there

With breaking hearts and open hands
We send you with a name
It hurts so much to let you go
But we're so glad you came
We're so glad you came.

Amen to that! I miss you sweetheart! And Love you more than all the jellybeans in the world! Thank you for teaching me how to love! Love, Mamma

Monday, January 12, 2004 5:51 PM CST

Today has been a particularly hard day. I do not know why, but it has. My heart hurts so much. I keep waiting for things to get better, but it doesn't. If anything, it has gotten worse. It is sinking in that he is not coming back. Of course I knew it, but I don't know somewhere in the back of my mind, I kept hoping this was a bad dream that I would wake up from. It seems impossible, that it has only been 22 days. My arms ache to hold him. I told Doug today, that I would love to hold him again, even if it was just to go back to the day of his passing and he was already gone. Just to hold that sweet little body and smooth his hair for those 2 and a half hours. I would even take that! I can not explain to you the emptiness inside me. People keep asking me how I am, and I know they don't really want to know. Because the real answer would be (empty, hollow, like I have nothing left to give). I said in church yesterday during praises, that it was a blessing to have an angel for 11 and a half years, and I meant it, I know how blessed I was to be his mother, and as everyone keeps pointing out, I know that I am also blessed to have 2 other great little boys. But when I set the table at night, there is one plate missing, when I give goodnite kisses, there is one empty bed, and when I listen to their prayers, there is one sweet voice missing. My cupboards are full of hamburger helper, and no one is here to eat it. There is a toothbrush in my bathroom, that isn't used, but I can't bring myself to throw it away. The eye doctor called, to see why Adam didn't show up for his appointment. Well that is all for now, thank you to the ones who still sign this, it helps. Love, Adam's mom

Monday, January 12, 2004 6:31 AM CST

Hi everyone,
22 days since I've held my Adam. I went to the Airforce Museum in Dayton yesterday with my Mom and Dad and Joshua and my sisters girls. I hate going to those places. My dad used to take my sister and I every year weather we wanted to go or not. But anyway dad has been so lonely without Adam. They used to do alot together. See my parents lost a my brother Randy to cancer when he was 10, so after Adam was diagnosed, they got closer to him than ever. Adam used to call my dad almost every day and ask him to come down. Dad said the day that Adam died, that his phone would not be ringing anymore. The other 2 are into video games, and other things not fishing and guns like Adam was. But Joshua has been asking grandpa to draw him airplanes, so dad thought that he would like the museum, and he did, but he won't go anywhere any more without his mother, so I had to tag along. The hard part was seeing all the army planes and stuff, Adam would have loved that. He was my little G.I. Joe. I used to thank God that he would never be alowed in the army because of his past health history. Because he would have done it! No doubt in my mind. He had all the army clothes even combat boots. He loved Rambo and Chuck Norris movies. I saw a Rocky game for gamecube the other day, and I thought Adam would have loved that. I am a huge fan of all the Rocky movies, and every once in awhile they will play them all together on TBS, and Adam would always watch them with me. When he was in a coma in I
CU, they were on, and I told him each thing that was happening, there was an emergency going on with one of the other patients, and they made all of the parents go out, and Adam's nurse told me don't worry I will tell him what happens next! Well that is all for now, please forgive me, but memories are all I have left of him. Love, Adam's mom

Sunday, January 11, 2004 5:34 AM CST

Thankyou all for praying! Johnathon is home safe! He did not get home until after 5, I was worried! This is a song that we had played at Adam's funeral, and I listen to it every day. The words are my exact feelings.

Every now and then, soft as breath upon my skin
I feel you come back again
and it's like youve never been
gone a moment from my side
like the tears were never cried
like the hands of time are holding you and me.
And in all my heart I'm sure
we're closer than we ever were
I don't have to look to see
I have all the proof I need.
There are more than angels watching over me.
I beleive oh I beleive.

Now when you die, your life goes on
it doesn't end because your gone.
Every soul is filled with light.
It doesn't end there if I'm right.
Our love can even stretch across eternity.
I beleive, Oh I beleive.

Forever your a part of me
Forever in the heart of me.
I will hold you even longer if I can.
Oh the people who don't see the most
see that I beleive in ghost.
If that makes me crazy then I am
Oh I beleive.

Every now and then soft as breath across my skin
I feel you come back again, and I beleive.

Saturday, January 10, 2004 7:12 AM CST

Hi,

Well we went and saw the rest of the Lord of the Rings last night, since it broke in the middle the last time we went to see it. Talk about a long movie! The things we do for our Children! Ugh! That Gullahm was disgusting! I don't get it, Joshua can not even watch the movie signs with Mel Gibson because the aliens scare him, but he can watch these movies with all of the gross looking people in it! Go figure. Any way he kept leaning over to me and saying see this is good isn't it mom? Actually it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be, but not my cup of tea at all. Johnathon is going snowboarding at Valley High with a friend today, and staying all night, so please pray for his safety. I had originally told him that he could not go, but he has been mad at me for two days, and would barely talk to me, so against my better judgement I am letting him go. The thing that worries me the most, is I do not know these people at all. So I am going to be praying my heart out all day. I took my anti-depressants last night. It is only the second time that I have taken them, because I really do not like to take drugs, but they seemed to be helping Doug alot, and I am constantly saying terrible things to people, and cry at the drop of a hat. So I decided to try them, and right now my head feels really funny, but so far I haven't cried. I miss my baby so much! I miss his laugh, his sweet voice, and his loving hugs. I know you all get sick of hearing this, and I am sorry, but I can't help it! We Got all of Adam's stuff back from the school yesterday, and here is one of his journal entries.
In ten years I won't have to go to the clinic.
In ten years I will have a car.
I will have to work.
I will be married.
I will have a family.

It broke my heart to read those words. Love, Adam's mom

Friday, January 9, 2004 5:51 AM CST

Another day without Adam. This stinks!

Thursday, January 8, 2004 11:23 AM CST

Hello,

Ijust got back from Adam's grave a little while ago. My father-in-law called and asked if I would like to go with him to the cemetary. I was getting ready to go there any way, so I said yes. We had a nice little talk. I have great in-laws! I am sorry that I did not update yesterday, but it was a weird day. I had a pretty good morning, it was my first morning without anyone here with me, and it was kind of nice. Don't get me wrong I really appreciate people caring enough about me to see that I wasn't alone those first couple of days, and to be quite honest, I was afraid of being alone. I was afraid what I might do. But I could feel Adam with me the whole day. I was surrounded by his memories, when I was cleaning the house yesterday morning and I surely felt him when I went and sat at his grave for an hour. The hard part was when I went out to get the mail later in the day, and I opened his death certificate. No parent should have to read her childs death certificate. I was crying as I read it and then I noticed something, they had put Doug's social security # in the deceased place, and not Adam's. Right away I made some calls, and was referred to the funeral home, where they said that they would take care of it. Children's Hospital was the one that made the mistake, and it makes me so mad, because they made me dig out his social security # twice that night. Then Gabby got Adam's wallet, and got all of his money out, and chewed up his pictures of his friends and brothers. I was so upset with her, that I threw her outside. Adam asked me every day, how much money do I have now mom? Every day he would do excercises for me and I would give him 2 dollars for doing them, and other people would give him money, because they knew what a little miser he was. He would say how much am I up to mom? And every day he would count his money. So it just broke my heart to see all his money and pictures scattered everywhere. But thank God that she did not chew up the money, and the pictures were not ruined. Really it was my fault, because I had left the wallet on the end table after I had counted his money, because I called Childrens up and donated an Oak rocker to the oncology dept. there. It will say in memory of Adam Kindell 5-28-92 to 12-21-03 Gone but not forgotten. It cost $500:00 and I had said that I was going to use Adam's money for that, but as I was counting his money, I knew that I just could not take his money, he was just to proud of that. So I stuck it all back in his wallet, and that is where it will stay. I will not spend Adam's money. So instead I took the money that alot of people have donated to us, and used that, and I will probably buy one more rocker. We used these rockers alot at Childrens, especially when Adam was 3 and just starting treatment. I would rock him and sing to him after every spinal tap. And I was rocking him and singing to him when he left my arms and went to Jesus's. Well that is all. Love, Adam's mom

Tuesday, January 6, 2004 7:23 PM CST

Hi guys,

I saw my little guy again tonight! I was not having a good night, I was trying to concentrate on my sociology professor, and all I could think about was Adam. On my way over to the college, I had to stop for a school bus, and three little boys got off, they all looked about my boys age, and of course that set me off. Then I got to my algebra class, and got this weird teacher, who thinks she is funny, and she is not. She made fun of her kids the whole time, and I just wanted to smack her. So anyway I am at my sociology class, trying hard to pay attention, when the professor said that we could go to break. I talked to Adam on my way up the stairs to the vending machine, and told him how much I love and miss him ( something I do a hundred times a day). And on my way down the stairs, I heard his sweet little voice say "look mom I don't have to walk behind you anymore, I can walk with you". I looked over, and there was my little see through sweetheart, he was meeting me step for step! It didn't last very long though darn it! But I'll take what I can get! I am not lying I really saw him! I think he knows that his mom is not strong enough to make it without him, so he visits me. And the fact that I pray for him to come to me constantly! Anyway the class went better after that! Thank you all so much for the prayers and concern! Childrens Hospital sent flowers today and a sympathy note! I thought that was nice. Well that is all for now. Love, Adam's mom

Monday, January 5, 2004 3:41 PM CST

New Pictures!
First of all I must make a very important correction. I was 33 yesterday, and not 34. My sister is getting a little se-nile in her old age! I was born in 1971 sis do the math! And now on a more important note, today was the first day for me without the boys and Doug. Thank God for my best friend Amy, who came to take me out to breakfast, and spent the entire friend with me. Thank you oh so much Amy! You are the best. We took Adam's picture into the people who are doing his stone, and then came home and watched Bruce Almighty. I can't say I didn't miss Adam, but I wouldn't want to not miss Adam. I wouldn't be a very good mom if I could do that! Doug and the boys did good today too. Doug said it was hard when people would come up and ask him questions though. Well that is all for now. I start my classes tomorrow! Love, Adam's mom

Sunday, January 4, 2004 6:18 AM CST

2 weeks. It has been 2 weeks today, since I lost my beautiful little boy. Joshua came to me last night, and said mom I miss Adam! It was great to hear that, since sometimes I think they do not care at all. I know that they do, but they do not show it very well. I can't beleive that it has only been 2 weeks, when it feels like two years. Joshua brought me Adam's comforter last night, because I told him that I had been trying to find something with Adam's sent on it. He brought it to me and was sniffing it, and he said " I've got to tell you, I feel like a dog right now" It was cute the way that he said it. The comforter still had a little of Adam on it, so I slept with it wrapped up in my arms, along with his stuffed dog, that I sleep with every night. I sleep with Adam's dog and Doug sleeps with Adam's picture. Pathetic, huh? Oh well! Whatever gets you through! I am debating going to Church today, I know that I should, but I just do not know if I can face everyone yet. God and I are on a little bit better terms, I talked to him alot the other night, and I can understand why he would want someone as special as Adam. The hard part is that I want him too. I know that you all must think that I am incredibly selfish, because all I do all the time, is whine about missing Adam. I know that is how I sound, and still I can not help it. I miss him with every fibre of my being. Well that is all for now, Love, Adam's mom

Dear Adam,
Mommy misses and loves you very much! I think about you all the time. The other night, when daddy and the boys were watching the Ohio State Game in the living room, and I was in the bedroom trying to go to sleep, I heard them pouring popcorn into the popcorn maker, and turning it on, and I thought "they are doing that to feel like Adam is here". You always had that popcorn popper going when you were watching a game. Sometimes 10:00 at night that popcorn poppper would start up. You loved your popcorn with lots of butter and cheese. Anyway the next day when I got up, and saw that there wasn't any bowl in the sink, I figured they had washed it, and I asked them who had popped the popcorn. They looked at me like I was strange, and said that no one had. You really were here that night with daddy and the boys weren't you punkin? Keep doing things like that so we can know you are with us! We love you! Mamma, dad, Johnathon, and Josh

Saturday, January 3, 2004 10:07 AM CST

Well Doug watched the Ohio State game last night, he had Adam's picture toward the t.v. He told me that he was hoping to see Adam like I have. Poor Doug he just wants to see him so badly. I prayed really hard that Adam would come to see the game with his daddy and brothers, but he said that he didn't see him. He said that he felt him a little. I talked to a friend of mine last night, that had lost a little girl two years ago in April. Adam and the little girl, Jenna, had been in ICU together. Jody said that the only way to get through was to keep imagining them in Heaven being happy and playing. I know that she is right, and when I do think of that, I am truly happy for Adam. I would not wish him back to pain for anything. But I am selfish, and I miss his sweet little face and touch. He always was more free with his hugs than the other two. Please pray that Doug will see Adam like I did, and know that he is happy. Thanks again so much for all the messages and support. Love, Adam's mom

Friday, January 2, 2004 5:54 AM CST

Thankyou all for the messages. I know that Adam touched many lives here on earth, and I am glad that my dad found the Lord because of him. But most days, I don't find much comfort in that. I miss him so very much! I miss him waking me in the night. I miss his little voice yelling at his brothers for calling the cats stupid. I miss his smell. I go around the house trying to find something that still has his smell, but I haven't found anything yet. I prayed last night or was it this morning? for God to take away this anger in my heart, that I have toward him. I love God, I always have, and I know that the only way I am going to see my Adam again, is to stay on track with him, but I just can't understand this. He is all powerful! Why didn't he heal Adam? And if it was in his plan to take him, then why make him suffer before he took him. Why make his eye droop, so he could not even see out of his good one? I find this very hard to understand, and I need alot of prayers to get me over this anger. And Diana you have been a good friend. I have been very blessed in that area. And Sis Adam love Orrangutangs. He just did a report on them in October. And the leukemia society is a great place to donate to. They did help us out alot! They send you checks to help with gas money, and they pay for medicines that your insurance will not cover, but most of all they are trying very hard every day to find a cure for this junk. Well that is all for now, I love you all thank you for the messages, they help, Love, Adam's mom

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