History

Friday, October 16, 2015 11:21 AM CDT

Can it really be over 11 years since we walked out of the hospital after her last chemo treatment? It all seems like a dream now. A very bad dream that still haunts me in my restless slumber. The memories are slowly fading away along with youth of my children. Maddy remembers nothing of her arduous ordeal and I thank God for that. I remember plenty for the both of us. She carries the scars on her body of a long,hard battle fought and won. Her prize is life and continued good health with the added bonus of little to no memory of it. I catch her running her fingers over her many scars with a deep look of contemplation on her face. I know she is trying to recall what happened, why she has that particular mark, wondering what surgery it was from. In the end she decides not to burden her mind with the answers and doesn't ask me the details of her year of treatment. I also thank God for that. I would never deny her the truth but somethings are better left forgotten.

Maddy had scans this summer and she is doing so fabulously that they do not want to see her back for 2 YEARS! I am still trying to wrap my head around it. In the beginning we were told scans every 3-6 months. Then it went to every year and I freaked. I was never given any indication she would reach a point were they would feel comfortable enough to go every 2 years?! We are thrilled to say the least. The child they told us would only be 3'8" tall is now 5'1"! The child they told us would possibly be developmentally delayed due to the chemo is working on a Merit scholarship for college-she wants to get a Masters Degree in Library Sciences and run her own library-because she has been on the high honor roll, well forever. The child that was feared would be deformed or unable to participate is in track, drama/theater-which she has lettered in for the last 4 years-choir, speech, and is an incredible skier. She also drives now. I don't think anything is as scary as letting your baby get behind the wheel of 2 tons of steel and letting them take off. Next summer she wants to go visit college campuses so she can make her final selection and send out her applications. She will graduate in 2018 and then spread her wings and soar! I am not going to handle that very well at all. Mentally I need to start preparing myself now. Maddy and I have been so tightly bonded since she was a baby, I just don't know what I am going to do when she is not here. They all grow up sometime though. We just were never certain she would. Now that she is and has, it's like living a whole new life. A life we are so grateful for but not completely prepared for. Maddy is doing fine but Mom and Dad will need time to adjust:)

My precocious little baby has grown up into a very bright, beautiful young woman and I couldn't be anymore proud of her. I do hope her story gives others hope that this monstrous disease does not win. Maddy never believed that she would die. Even when she was at her lowest points and death was a real possibility she never believed it. Attitude is the most important factor when facing any illness. She will always be my sunshine.

Thursday, April 17, 2014 1:04 PM CDT

Another year has just zipped by. I don't think I will ever quit saying,"Where does the time go?"

Maddy and Donovan are 14 and 16 now. Unbelievable that they are that age. Teenagers. We worried for nothing over the hormones not kicking in for Maddy that's for sure. What a ride! Thank God I had a hysterectomy last year and there is only one hormonally imbalanced chick in this house now cuz' let me tell you, it wouldn't be pretty!

All kidding aside, we are happy some side effects have not come to fruition as predicted. Her heart and lung problems are enough. We did scans last week of her lower back and pelvis as she has been having new pain there for the past few months. Thankfully everything came back clear and we will go back on June 12 for her regular scans. It was hard to sit there the day before her 10 year anniversary of ending chemo scanning because of "new" pain. So many memories came flooding back. No matter what you tell yourself you can't control an anxious mothers mind. It was also the first time in 10 years we left without knowing when we would get a call back with the results. Unnerving to say the least. Unfortunately for Maddy she is going to have to deal with chronic back pain for the rest of her life. Hard to explain to a 14 year old.
She didn't participate in any sports this year because of pain issues and that was hard for her but she looks on the bright side and was in every play/theatre production she could find and works hard at her studies to stay on the High Honor Roll. We really couldn't be more proud.

Summer is coming I am told, although it snowed yesterday, and today we are only in the 30's. Crazy weather we have had the last few years. The kids can't wait for their camps and Donovan already is driving. Maddy starts Drivers Ed in May. Be thankful you don't live by us!

Thanks to all who still check in on us and keep us in your prayers. I don't write often but I want people who find our site to know that despite the ups and downs, there are long term survivors of this monster disease and it doesn't have to break you, bends you up some, but with love and faith you can make it through!

Thursday, July 18, 2013 5:33 PM CDT

Maddy had her scans a few weeks ago and she is still in remission!!! That is always a reason to celebrate!!

But it seems like cancer always has a way of lurking around your life even when you are so far out from treatment and everything seems to be so normal again. We were told when Maddy was given treatment that a few of the chemo drugs imparticular-Ifosfomide and Doxirubicin-(forgive the spelling if I'm wrong, I just don't feel like digging out my papers right now ;)-could cause late term side effects, especially to the heart and lungs. Maddy is now showing signs of heart damage and lung damage. It doesn't help that she was given to much chemo either but that could also be why she is still alive. 6 of one, half a dozen of another. Who knows, the doctors don't.

All I know is we are bummed. Thank God it's not a relapse but I sure hope we aren't looking at a life debilitating disease. We will also be looking into hormone testing next year as there is a possibility that the chemo also caused fertility issues as Maddy is not progressing along through puberty. I hope for her sake that she is just a late bloomer. She has always dreamed of being a mother. We did talk yesterday about all the different ways you can be a mom but at 13 there is only 1 way that matters.

We just went in for the rest of the testing yesterday so we don't have any answers yet. Prayers are always welcome.
Thanks for checking in and God Bless.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013 0:28 AM CDT

Maddy is 13 years old now, 9 years in remission, almost done with the 7th grade where she has been on the high honor roll with all A's, participated in the school choir,drama club, track team, speech and debate club, and will be a part of the local college drama program again this summer.

She has grown up to be such a talented, beautiful young woman that I often just look at her and marvel that she could be my child. Then she rolls her eyes and stomps away from me when I ask her to put away the dishes and it becomes a bit more believable.

9 years seems like an unreal number. This year she will be having scans at the after care clinic with Shiela as Dr.K has informed us he only see's sick kids and Maddy is not sick any more and no longer needing his attention. She will see him at camp but just for fun. I am O.k. with this. Maddy has been so healthy these past years, not even getting hardly ever a cold, that I think she is going to be just fine. Maddy on the other hand I think is maybe nervous about it but I keep telling her she isn't sick so we are moving in the right direction. I trust Dr.K and if he says it's time to move on then it must be past time for us:) We have always been abit slow!

I hope this yearly update finds everyone well and for those who have come here because you are battling ewings or some other nasty monster let me just say to you there is hope. Maddy was not supposed to have made it to 4 years of age and she is 13, smart, healthy and cancer free. Just have faith. God Bless.

Sunday, May 6, 2012 8:17 PM CDT

Another year has blown by and we are one year further away from cancer hell. Maddy is doing AWESOME!!!!! 8 freakin years!!!!! Some days when life is just crazy and busy and normal I just stop and thank God that it is normal! Working for Hospice I am constantly surrounded by cancer, in the very young, as well as the very old. I don't know why we are so lucky. I have to stop there because the words lucky and cancer just don't seem like they should be in the same sentence. I'm not going to dwell on it though and jinx our good fortune!:)

Donny and I finally felt Maddy was ready for a horse, despite what we thought were severe horse allergies. Surprise! Maddy is not allergic to horses at all but the chemical insecticides that the stables were using on the horses she had been around. We now have 2 quarter horses that get smothered in love, along with the growing menagerie of animals that find their way to our little farm.

There is only about 2 weeks of school left and the kids are so looking forward to all their camps this summer. We have a very busy summer this year, hopefully everyone's health and the weather cooperates with our plans.

Well, I hate to have to go already but we spent the day riding and the equipment all needs to be cleaned and put away.

Thank you everyone that still keeps us in their prayers, it sure seems to be working!

Tuesday, June 28, 2011 5:45 PM CDT

The only thing I can say is when there is no news on a caringbridge site it's a very good thing. Very hard to believe that it took me an entire year to get around to putting an update out here though. I am sorry for that.

Maddy will be in the 6th grade next year and Donovan will be in the 7th grade. Maddy plays the clarinet and Donovan plays the trombone. Both have really enjoyed band this last year. Both kids were getting all A's and B's in school and staying active in extra curriculars.

Maddy has not been in dance this last year as we were hoping to move her to a different ballet company, but time and economics didn't allow for it this year. She hasn't minded and has taken up childrens theatre instead. She is a natural. She loves to act and be infront of an audience. I wish there was a childrens choir around here but no such luck.

Maddy is at her most beloved Kamp Kace right now. She has been pretty good, a few growing pains here and there, the headaches once in awhile, and the constant backache that I am afraid she will have for the rest of her life, but other than that, she has been quite well this past year. She has scans in July and then I suppose we will have to take her back to Mayo for a check on her spine, but other than that she should be good to go.

She got her braces off this spring and was so happy that she made it through the whole process without having to have one tooth pulled! I am equally amazed. The orthodontist told us she would need 6-7 teeth pulled, but they all just seemed to fall out in the right order! She really is an amazing kid.

Hopefully I don't have anything urgent to put on this website in the upcoming year. We are really busy with our small farm of cows, pigs, chickens, peacocks, ducks, turkeys, dogs and cats. The kids really love raising the animals, helping in the big garden, making butter from the fresh cream from the cows milk, and they like knowing where all the food on their table came from. But that all takes alot of hard work and I get too busy to get to my computer very often. If you don't see the picture change then you know all is well and this is one super woman that has kicked cancer butt. Our prayers go out to all of you who are still fighting your battles. Please remember this: Maddy was told she would never be 4 years old, she is now 11 years old. The doctors at Mayo wanted to put her on hospice and not treat her. She is 7 years in remission from one of the worst cancers you can get. There is always hope. Miracles happen everyday. I live with one of them. God Bless.

Thursday, April 22, 2010 1:16 PM CDT

Land sakes, where does the time go? School will be done and gone in a months time and the kids will be hanging around the house whinning,"I'm bored." Actually we keep them hopping all summer long so there isn't much time to lolly gag around and complain of such non sense as boredom. With all the chickens, turkeys, geese, peacocks, guinea hens, along with dogs cats and maybe a pig or two to clean and care for , there just isn't time to be thinking about doing nothing. We have grand plans for a garden this year and I can already see my free ranging flock starting to salivate at the idea of all those plump seeds and fresh grenns sprouting out of the ground. We learned last year a f-e-n-c-e comes in mighty handy.

By the way, did I ever mention that after you have been through the chemo regime for ewings sarcoma you should not be around birds and should never handle any reptiles-ever. Our onc didn't tell us this until it was a little to late. Poultry is ok as long as you don't live with them in the house. So after that appt. we had to go home and move the brooders out of the house;)Geez that makes us sound like hicks but seriously, we had some babies hatch when it was
-40 degrees outside and it was either bring them inside or let 30 some babies die. Maddy was not going to let babies die so in the house they came, into a brooder in the den.

I was sitting here today and realized Maddy was officially over her 6 year cancer free mark. I can't believe that one just slipped right by me and I didn't even notice. To be honest I have been a bit down lately. I lost my grandmother 3 years ago in April, my grandfather 2 years ago in May and my sister in law 1 year ago in May.
I made cinnamom rolls a few nights ago, my grandmothers recipe, and as we went to bed the smell permeated the entire house; soaked into the soal and reminded me of being a child and being woke up on my grandma's living room floor with my nostrils full of the smell of her heavenly rolls. There was nothing better. The house would stil be dark and quiet, the only ones awake were grandma and I. I would lay on the floor and watch her get breakfast ready for all the family that had gathered for whatever occasion it was. I would close my eyes, breathe deeply the scent of the rolls, never to forget the feeling of love and warmth it represented.
I soon started to cry and for the life of me couldn't understand how such a pleasant memory could cause me so much pain. I was soon reminded that my beloved grandmother had passed away in April and although I had forgotten consciously of the fact, physically my body remembered and I grieved. It happens every Christmas when my body "remembers" all of the horrible times we went through, year after year, with Maddy's cancer. I have thankfully "misplaced" that information at the moment, but a persons body can be quick to recall what the mind forgets.

Luckily life never slows down long enough for me to dwell on any one thing for to long, always onward we go. The kids are soooo excited for camp this summer. They have been talking about going to camp since they left camp last summer. This year I am trying to get them into a few extra camps since they enjoy them so much.

Speaking of kids I had better get ready and go get them. They both have braces now and it seems like the orthodontists office is our home away from home.

God Bless and Keep Praying!

Sunday, January 31, 2010 1:56 AM CST

Double digits everyone!! Maddy is now 10 YEARS OLD!!!! Yes I know using all caps is like shouting online but can you BLAME ME!!!! How happy can I be that she has made it to 10 years old!?!?!? Her birthday was a blast for her- I say for her because I had just had foot surgery and running all over town with a car full of kids and then having a sleep over was not exactly what the dr had ordered. But for my kids I am willing to suffer. For Maddy's birthday 10th birthday I would suffer a little more. She is changing so fast. Braces, glasses, into clothes, into sleepovers, into boys already. Lord help me there. I can hardly keep up. I am constantly telling her to slow down and just enjoy being a little girl. She will be a grown up soon enough and then it's just not always as fun as one might think.

She is so damn funny though. I made a comment on her birthday, more to myself than to anyone else, that it had been a whole decade since I had given birth to my last baby. Without missing a beat, Maddy turned around and informed me that she didn't think Daddy would appreciate it very much if I brought home another one now! Not exactly what I had in mind but I am glad I know that now! Maddy has evidently gotten over her wanting a baby sister to play with phase and is enjoying being the youngest and only girl in the house competing for my attention. Her brother is all boy and in that fun pre-teen phase where mom isn't so cool anymore so I don't get any attention from him unless he wants something, which surprisingly is not very often.

We are all enjoying the frigid temperatures up here and mountains of snow. Can you see the sarcasm in my words? The kids are enjoying the sledding and the snow forts, I only enjoy the fact that the snow is covering up all the junk in the yard that didn't get cleaned up last fall. I seriously have got to figure out how to get more hours in a day. I do love how all the gardening catalogs are flooding my mailbox everyday and reminding me that we still have a good 3 more months of snow and cold. I think I am getting a touch of cabin fever.

Well Maddy was suppose to have scans on the 25th of January but we had a blizzard and they have not rescheduled her yet. She originally was not due until July but I asked to move them up. I am thinking now I will push them back again to July. She has been feeling fine and we just had x-rays done at Mayo last month so I know she looked good. We need to careful about how much radiation we expose her to.

I think I will cut this short and try and update some pictures. We will see how well I can handle such technical things at 2:30am.

God Bless and always keep praying

Tuesday, November 17, 2009 10:30 PM CST

If anyone still follows Maddy's site-even though I don't update to much anymore-please send all your prayers to our dear Maryah who has just had another relapse of her ewings. Maryah is a real fighter and has been to hell and back with this miserable cancer and she is still having to battle. So please lift her and her family up in your prayers. Pray that the new clinical trial she goes on will be the cure for her finally. I have hope.

Will you also lift up in your hearts my dear friend Joel who lost his brother yesterday. A tragic loss for his family. Hugs and prayers for you and your family Joel. I'm always here for you if you need anything.

Maddy will be going to Mayo in December to see a specialist for her scoliosis. She of course is thrilled to be going. I am not as excited. She only remembers the Canadian geese at the park. Mom gets to remember all the other horrible stuff. I just so am not in the mood for a trip anywhere right now. Ok, maybe Jamaica. Or Italy. But that's it. Ok, anywhere warm with sandy beaches, blue skies and sexy cabana boys who can only say, "Yes my goddess."

But I digress, her curvature in her has spine has gotten worse and she has been having more pain so her oncologist had referred her down to a pediatric orthopedic specialist. We don't have one here at home-go figure- so away we go. Honestly I'm kinda glad she will be seen down there for this. They see more kids and have more experience with the hardware that is in her chest.

Anyway, Thanksgiving is next week already and we just took down the Halloween decorations yesterday. I shudder to think of trying to dig the Christmas junk out of the disaster that has become my basement. The kids both had a growth spurt and out grew a bunch of clothes but I never had a chance to have a rummage sale or get anything sorted and taken to good will. I wish someone would just show up one day and take it all away for me. Do they have junk fairies?

Maybe not, but I do believe the sleep fairy has finally arrived. It's only been about 4 days, and I am dead tired.

Remember to Just Keep Praying!
Love and Hugs to All

Friday, August 14, 2009 8:48 PM CDT

Well Maddy had scans on the 24th and everything is still all clear. Although her oncologist said that he can never give her the the "You're cured" speech because ewings is known have late relapses, he does feel confident about letting her go to lab work and a chest x-ray once a year. He does want us to go see an endocrinologist about growth hormones for her as she has dropped off the growth charts but he also warned us that the endocrinologist would tell us that growth hormones would cause her to relapse. Her oncologist doesn't feel it would. I agreed to go and talk to the endo just so I am well informed about all that I can but Maddy has already decided she does not want to have the injections and we respect that. I wasn't going to sign her up for it anyway, so I am glad it isn't something she wants to do. Her oncologist also wants her to go see a pediatric orthopedic specialist at Mayo about her spine curving. He says now she may need a brace. 2 years ago I told him she would need a brace. You can really see it in her x-rays and when she stands she tilts. There is just no support on the left side. Her oncologist didn't happen to mention when we are suppose to take her to Mayo so I will have to try and remember to call next week. Everyone left for camp right after scans and I just haven't caught up with all the mess they brought home yet!
Maddy and Donovan both have started thier orthodontic journeys and have monstrous upper retainers glued to their top teeth. They can't talk right or eat normally due to the thick metal bar that runs across the roof of thier mouth and the first few days were so painfully miserable for them. Being a kid can be tough. I hope they don't have to have this retainer in for long. I forgot to ask how long this "phase" lasted before the kids moved on to braces. Maddy will have to have a few teeth pulled before she gets her braces put on but hopefully most will fall out now that her other teeth are shifting.

Well school starts on the 26th and I will be one of the parents in front of the elementary school at 8:45am doing a happy dance and singing praises to public education that there is somewhere else for them to fight for 8 hours a day now! They have just been picking on each other all summer and I am about ready to pull my hair out. Just counting down the days:)

Well speaking of school I suppose I should start getting them to bed a bit earlier in preperation. I hope all is going well in your lives and God Bless.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009 10:52 PM CDT

Well we made it. Five, 5, Five years, twelve days and seven odd hours or so since we unhooked our little girl from her last round of chemo and walked off the seventh floor of Meritcare hospital for the last time. I will probably never get over the feeling that it was just yesterday but it has been five years already. Damn. So much has happened in these past five years, so many fears, set backs, health scares, but also so much growth, love and renewal that I am just constantly amazed. Everytime I look at Maddy I am overcome with such a deep feeling of gratitude for just the simple fact that I have her to look at. She is growing into such a beautiful young lady that I can hardly believe she is my little girl. I am confident in her future and that it will be as bright and beautiful as she is. What a difference a few years can make, huh?

Spring has finally reached our valley and with it a renewal of spirits here that appropriately coincides with Maddy's five years of remission. It is a time to cultivate the garden in the backyard as well as the garden of our minds and prepare ourselves for the change of a new positive direction in our lives. I am anxious to see what blooms.

I hope this spring finds you cultivating your own gardens of positive change and planting the seeds of hope and renewal in your hearts.

God Bless.

Saturday, January 10, 2009 9:36 PM CST

NED-Maryah's favorite word and mine too! No evidence of disease. Maddy's scans on Monday were clear as a bell! We are now just 5 months from hitting the 5 year mark! Maddy's next scans will be in June and then she will go yearly. Because she is doing so well her oncologist has decided that she will no longer have the CT scans as the radiation now poses more of a health risk to her than being beneficial. If she has any problems or we become concerned we will have a CT scan done but as long as she continues to do as well as she has she will only need a chest x-ray, lab work and and a yearly echo of her heart.
I can hardly believe we are here. I never wanted to jinx the future by thinking to much about it. Not that I thought that she wouldn't make it to this point, I just never wanted to think to much about it either way. And now here we are. A few months away from "cure". With ewings there is always a chance of late occurance relapse, but her chances of surviving that relapse go up the further out from the original diagnosis. Everyday she makes it cancer free increases her odds of beating what ever may or may not be in her future.

Everyday is a blessing, a gift. Maddy will be turning 9 on Sunday. Every birthday she has had past 3 has been an absolute gift as the doctors told us she probably wouldn't make it to 4. And now she is going to be 9. It's been almost 6 years since that nightmare began, I can't say when it ended. Some parts of it still go on, but every year the frequency of the emotions gets less. The fear never goes away and it shouldn't. When you get to comfortable you lose your edge and you need to stay sharp when your childs life depends on it. The key is finding the balance. Learning how to live without putting to many restrictions on life. The first years were the hardest. I wanted to keep Maddy in a bubble and not let anything or any one hurt her. You just can't do that to a kid though. So I had to let go, a little at a time mind you, but I did learn to let go and trust in her, and myself. Her oncologist said to me about 6 months after her treatment ended that if I didn't learn to move on I was going to becaome a shell of a woman and worthless to my daughter. I was also going to end up ruining her and I would have no one to blame but myself. His words have scorned me for the last 5 years and I hate to admit it that it was those words that have motivated me to make all of the choices that I have to move on and move forward in life and let go. Don't you just hate it when someone is right when you so don't want them to be? I am a big enough person to admit that I could very easily have let the fear of her disease overtake my life and let it consume me completely. I still have my moments but for the most part I'm good.

We're all good. Well except Donny right now. He had surgery on Wednesday to move the nerves out of his elbow on his left arm into the crook of his arm. He is one hurting unit right now. He really underestimated just how extensive of a surgery it was going to be and just how painful it was going to be. He can't even start therapy for 6 weeks because they had to remove and reattatch several muscles. He's not to move his left arm or hand at all to give the muscle tissue time to reattatch and heal.
It's going to be a long and boring winter for him.

I am glad that this journal has continued to be a source of hope and help to some and have greatly appreciated the coninued love and support that we have recieved over the years. I have contemplated shutting down Maddy's site as a symbolic way of ending that part of our lives and moving on, but I have received several e-mails this last year from parents with children that have ewings who have gained hope through Maddy's story. If we can help just one family make it through one hour of one day with a little more hope than they had before than it is more than worth continuing on with her story of survival and success.

God bless to you all.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008 6:27 PM CST

No news is always good news right? As usual we have been insanely busy-I say that every year don't I?! But then again, things don't ever seem to change. The kids forever keep us running with their extra curricular activities and school programs, we have been majorly remodeling our house, I am always working, and there is of course the regular influx of strange illnesses my children seem to get. Maddy acquired hoof and mouth disease this year from school already and Donovan has developed not so unusual asthma and skin dermititis from allergies. I really think I need to be going to school to be a pharmacists just to save on our monthly perscription bill!

Other than that we are all hanging in there. Thankfully this year Maddy doesn't have scans until January 5th so Christmas won't be spent in a suspended state of worry for me. Yes, I know there is nothing to worry about, she will remain cancer free and hit her 5 years in remission in April with no problems, but I am her mother after all, and only human I might add, so what do you expect.

Donny will be having surgery on the 7th of January to move all the nerves from his elbow to the inside of his arm before they become severed in the bone fragments in his elbow. This would result in his hand becoming constricted and paralyzed. Not a pleasant thought. He is not looking forward to the surgery at all due to the 65uccess rate that comes with it. He would prefer better odds. I would just like a husband that doesn't have to live in such constant pain. He will have to have both elbows done eventually and his left rotator cuff needs attention as well. He is just a mess.

We had hoped to have our kitchen/livingroom remodel done by now but the kitchen cabinets took two months longer to get installed than planned so we are still sheetrocking as of today. Our whole house is a disaster and not at all ready for Christmas. I did manage to get into town and get a Christmas tree and get it up for the kids to decorate. Because of all the sanding with the sheetrocking we decided to go with a disposable tree this year, one I didn't have to try to clean and salvage after the dust settles. I haven't even gotten into town to buy presents yet. Where does the time go?

Speaking of time I have to go. I hope this finds you all well and that you all have a save and Merry Christmas!

Friday, October 3, 2008 7:57 PM CDT

Well the tonsils came out, along with some adnoid tissue that had grown back already, and she never ceases to amaze me at how well she handles surgery and recovery. Literally THE DAY AFTER SURGERY she was eating Tostinos pizza and spicy buffalo wings. Her ENT said he has never heard of a kid doing that before. The only real problem she had was constipation from the anesthesia. That took the better part of the week to get resolved but once that moved along she was fine. It did the trick too, she hasn't snored since the surgery and she is sleeping better through the night. The first time I took a nap with her after her surgery I woke up because she wasn't snoring! Usually she would rattle the windows once she fell asleep and now all is too quiet in our house. For 17 years I have been used to first her dad snoring and then her. A few years ago he was put on a c-pap machine for sleep apnea and quit sawing logs, but I still had her thundering in the other room to fall asleep to. Now the house is so quiet and I find myself lying awake at night, tossing and turning in the silence I used to pray for. I guess the old saying is true-be careful what you wish for.

We have also started the wonderful world of orthodontics here. Good God I had no idea my kids mouths were so messed up. The ortho said he hasn't seen a child Maddy's age before with a mouth as small as hers. She is going to have to have many teeth pulled in a systematic fashion to force her permanent teath to come-in in the proper order so that eventually she can have braces put on. That will all start in January although she is having tooth pain now from over crowding in her gums. Donovan on the other hand is starting now with an appliance to move his bottom jaw forward and then he will have a few spacers put in to make room for his permanent teeth to come in and when that is all done a few braces to straighten out the front teeth. The sticker shock of all this sent me straight to bed with an ice pack and my check book. Little did I know that you have to pay the first few grand up front and then they will be happy to set up an easy monthly payment plan. Easy like a hernia. But what do you do. Donovan doesn't have any teeth that actually touch when he bites down which could be one of the reasons why he is having digestive problems and Maddy has way to many teeth for the amount of mouth she has. Her teeth are trying to come down from the roof of her mouth. It's not like we can ignore these problems, but like Donny said, our next new car will be going in thier mouths!

Well it's almost my birthday and I am really feeling melancholy about turning another year older. My life has gone by so fast and I'm not were I thought I would be at this age. Donny and I have really been thinking hard about what direction we want our life to go in and I am frustrated in being stuck in a holding pattern for now because of the economy. It's hard to make a major life decision when the whole country is, in some opinions, teetering on the brink of a recession or, in others opinions, already in one. It wouldn't be so bad but we are still trying to build up our credit and someone keeps repeatedly stealing it. This spring a few of our credit cards were hit and now again just yesterday I opened up a statement to find that someone has taken an all expense paid trip to Hawaii on me. How nice. I hope it rained the whole time. Luckily that was on my Capital One card and they really are No Hassles when it comes to fraud. But you still have to do the papperwork, but it could be worse. Life could always be worse. Take Maddy's friend from school. She was having headaches and when her mom took her in for an MRI they found a brain tumor. Maddy has been pretty shook up about having her friend have a tumor. We haven't heard if it is cancer or anything yet. She went to Rochester-Mayo last Monday for surgery but Maddy came home from school today saying that she didn't have surgery now. This little girl used to be in our Girl Scout troop and I can't stop thinking about all that she is going through right now. Her caring bridge site is visit/kassieberg although they haven't updated at all. Please keep Kassie in your prayers. There have been so many kids in this area with cancer and tumors that it just makes us sick to think about it. Please also continue to pray that Maddy stays cancer free and we don't ever have to go back to that part of our lives.

Well Maddy wants to go and feed her webkinz so I guess I had better let her have a few minutes of computer time. God bless and thank you all for your continued love and support.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008 3:13 PM CDT

I am so very happy, and relieved, to announce that we are still cancer free!!!! She has some scarring in her lungs from an episode of untreated pneumonia, probably when she had the chicken pox and the dr's just assumed her coughing was from the virus. That explains why she just couldn't seem to get better, why she was so tired, and also makes me angry to think of all the different times we brought her in to be told it was just a bug that had to run it's course. She did get antibiotics for strep throat and an ear infection around that time but they weren't the right meds she needed for pneumonia.
Her onc also thinks her tonsils need to come out, which I have thought for a long time. I begged her ENT to take them out when she had her adenoids removed but he just wouldn't. She snores something terrible and I think that is part of the reason why she is getting headaches. Her onc agrees so I will take her in on the 29th for a consult and hopefully get her in before school starts to have them out. Then once that is done she gets to start getting fitted for braces to straighten out her teeth. Poor kid just can't seem to catch a break.

Other than that everyone is ok. Donny and Donovan just got back from Cub scout camp and they had a good time. I am really glad because it rained the whole week they were gone. They didn't get to swim and fish as much as they wanted to but the BB gun range was inside so Donovan was in seventh heaven spending long afternoons with his dad at the range!
Maddy's camp is the first week of August and she is sooo excited to go. They are having a Hawaiian theme this year and a real luau with a pig roasting over an open pit and everything! Sounds like a great time. Hopefully the weather cooperates. It has been a very cool and rainy summer this year. Very unusual.

Well the kids will be back in school before you know it and life will get crazy again. I have gotten absolutely nothing done in my house this summer. I am so disappointed with myself. I just cannot seem to find any energy at all. I so wish that I could find a magic pill(a legal one) that would give me energy and stamina to make it through my day and get everything done around the house that I need and want. Dream on. Speaking of dreaming I need a nap. Scan day just wipes me out and today I am just exhausted. Maddy is already up in my room snoring away so I think I will go join her!

GOD BLESS!

Thursday, June 26, 2008 8:20 PM CDT

Now don't go into shock that I am updating again. The second time in a month, I can't remember the last time I did that.

Everyone has been fine. The weather has been pleasant and at least around our house there aren't very many mosquitoes, mainly thanks to our guineas.

Everything is fine and yet I am on edge. Scans are coming and I hate scans. Maddy checks the calendar almost everyday, counting the days. She says it's because she is so excited to see all her nurse friends but I find her a bit transparent with that answer. I feel her anxiety. I think that is what sets me off. 4 1/4 years in remission seems like a lifetime and yet it can feel like just yesterday we were up at the hospital for another inpatient treatment. I haven't wanted to update much on her site lately. I don't know really why, maybe I felt as if our lives have been an open book for long enough, but the truth is that this is as much a journal for me as it is a portal into our lives for you and I need to keep track of certain things, for my own sanity. She gets so tired at times and will take a nap, sometimes two, during the day and this just worries me to no end. But when I can look back and see that I wrote about her feeling that way umpteen times before, than I relax a little. Needless to say she has been very tired lately and with scans coming up I worry. Her fatigue is one of the things that alerted me to the fact that something was wrong with her in the first place 5 years ago. She has also been growing like a weed all spring and during periods of growth is when she is the most susceptible to relapse. I could not imagine a millisecond of my life with out her.
Her migraines have gotten better as the stress of school is over for the summer but I am going to have her onc refer her to a neurologist anyway. She complains of growing pains, pain in her side where her ribs were amputated. Every pain I can explain a reason for but still I get a catch in my throat every time she comes to me with worry in her eyes and a request for tylenol. I don't think that will ever go away. I don't think all of the fear will ever totally go away. Many things have gotten so much better, but you are never the same. She asked me yesterday if she will ever get to have a baby of her own or if the cancer ruined that for her. Totally out of the blue. I was not prepared for that question as we have not really discussed that with her dr let alone her. They honestly don't know what the chemo did to her reproductive organs at such a young age, it's a wait and see sort of deal. But Maddy wanted answers. Answers I couldn't give her, answers her onc won't be able to give her yet either.
According to Maddy I'm suppose to know everything. God I wish I did.

I do know that summer is flying by and I have not been outside to enjoy it but maybe twice. I have been putting in a lot of hours with Hospice and when I come home I am so exhausted I can hardly get my house work done let alone get outside to do any work. I have been having a lot of health issues myself to try and deal with and most days the fatigue from it all gets the best of me. It's not what I was hoping for this summer. I had grand plans to accomplish major landscaping and home remodeling projects. I'll be happy now if I just catch up with the laundry and actually have the rummage sale I have been compiling junk for the last 4 years. Fall will be here before I am ready for it and it will be back to ballet, Girl Scouts, Awana, school activities, Cub Scouts, and what ever else that always seems to creep into our schedules whether we like it or not.

Well I have another 10 hour day tomorrow and must go to bed now. Please keep Maddy in your prayers that she remains cancer free and that the long term side effects of her chemo won't be more than what she has already experienced.

God Bless.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008 6:19 PM CDT

Ok so I lied. It isn't quite Maddy's scans yet and I'm updating, as a matter of fact I guess I inadvertently lied about that too. Her scans are July 14th and not June.
I guess I'm just a big, fat liar. :) I am so glad the kids are done with school now although Donovan was suppose to start summer school today and Donny messed that up by not confirming with the bus driver that Donovan would be going to summer school and then calling the wrong school this morning when no one showed to pick him up. The school he called doesn't have programs starting until next week but Donovans started today, without him. Donovan didn't seem to care one iota. He isn't so happy that he has to go to summer school in the first place and Maddy is upset that she can't go. I just can never win.

Well my grandfather passed away the first part of May. He took sick one week and went down hill very quickly. I do not believe he suffered any in the end. Donny and I had been switching between staying with grandma and staying with grandpa and Maddy and Donovan happened to be up at the nursing home with my mom when he went on to that great farmstead in the sky. Donovan was really disturbed by the experience and Maddy was sad but understanding.
I felt like I was on auto pilot in my Hospice work mode. That is an unfortunate downside to my job. The inevitable happens and you become accustomed to death.
It was a blessing for my grandfather, he suffered for about 9 years with dementia and lived 8 of those years in a nursing home so his death was not a sudden and unexpected event.
Now my dad's mom is the only grandparent I have left. I guess I am pretty darn lucky to be the age I am and have any grandparents at all. I also just thank God that my kids got to know three of thier great grandparents. I didn't know, or atleast can't remember, any of mine.

Well it has been a very cold spring and here we are into June and I am still having to run the furnace. Today it has rained all day. Which is alright, we need the rain. It's been very dry. We put in a garden and our chickens are laying about 2 dozen eggs a day. Donny bought about 50 more chicks in April so I am going to have to suck it up and butcher some in the fall. The price of everything is just getting to be outrageously priced with the rising fuel costs, and groceries seem to be the first thing to get marked up. Next year we are going to get a pig. I just didn't quite have Donny convinced this spring until pork prices shot up with the rising gas and feed prices. Maybe the year after we will be ready to raise some beef. It would be nice if we had more land than we could just do what we want the way that we want to but for now we are stuck were we are so we have to make do. Hopefully someday we can move to a bigger place. Than Maddy could finally get her horse.

Well I suppose I had better go and try and get everyone ready for bed so I can hopefully crash sometime soon. Today I am actually really tired. The last few weeks the weather was cool but sunny and I have felt pretty good, for a change. Today is another story. Oh well.

God bless!

Thursday, March 27, 2008 9:30 PM CDT

Well it has been brought to my attention, AGAIN, that I am neglecting to update Maddy's site here on a more regular basis. So for all of you that would like to know what's going on then here it is:

Maddy is recovering from the chicken pox, and not a mild case either. If there was an orifice, she had a chicken poc there. If there was in inch of skin, there were blisters. She could not eat, pee, poop, sleep or wear clothes without pain and itching. I have just never seen anything like it. Luckily for Maddy the worst is over and her pox are scabbing over. Donovan had the chicken pox vaccine and managed to dodge that bullet of itching misery. Maddy was going through chemo when she was due to have hers so she got to suffer through it. A general right of passage through childhood Donny says. Too many sleepless nights mom says.

Donovan turns the big 10 next Wednesday. Double digits. I swore I just brought him home from the hospital the other day wrapped in a blue and white stripped blanket. Where the hell did 10 years go? You know, life has been such a whirl wind since Maddy was diagnosed that I honestly forget that they aren't 3 and 5 anymore. I guess my mind doesn't want to move past that time of innocence, of normality, and I just can't quite grasp the concept somedays that life has whizzed on without my permission. It's also just to damn depressing to think that now that my kids are 8 and 10 that I have no excuse for having not lost that pregnancy weight!
Mother nature can be so very cruel.

We have added a new member to our family. Bailey has piddled his way into our lives and our home this last month. We had gotten my mother a Sheltie puppy for her birthday at the beginning of March and then decided that we needed a good excuse to have to change all the rugs in our house so we brought home one from the same litter. He is full of spunk and the cutest thing ever. The kids love him almost as much as mom and dad do so no one will ever be able to accuse him of being neglected or abused.

Well with that thought I will go and let my little whizzer out before I go and collapse into bed. I probably won't update again until Maddy has scans in June.

God Bless and take care!

Tuesday, January 22, 2008 9:00 PM CST

Did I mention we had clear scans?!?!? Doin' the happy dance!

We also had a BIRTHDAY! We are now officially grown up as we have turned 8!!! Funny, I can remember being told she wouldn't turn 4. Thank God some people are soooo wrong. Maddy was also very wrong in thinking that there was going to be a pony waiting outside for her on her birthday this year. Maybe some day, but not now. We did find out that she can not have, be around, or handle reptiles or amphibians. Evidently, the salmonella that they carry can be quite fatal to children who have had chemo. There goes my dreams of opening an alligator petting zoo! We also found out that birds are a no-no too. That would have been useful information before we got like 60 of them! Her oncologist didn't specify why no birds, and he did say that chickens were ok as long as we didn't get any birds for inside the house, although I am going to have to call him and elaborate a little on the fact that Maddy carries the chickens all over the yard with her. I also would like the exact reason behind the NO BIRDS rule. I was just way to stressed to think of asking all the right questions at the right time on Monday. We had our meeting with him before the scan results were in so the thought of leaving his office without the All CLEAR kinda clouded my mind a bit. I hate waiting for the phone to ring. Monday was a long day.

We had a huge adventure for Christmas/New Years this year, but I am much to exhausted to give it the attention it deserves right now so I will save that for a day when I have a few spare hours (or twelve) to update!

Until then know that we are all fine, Maddy had a fabulous birthday and was a perfect princess for scans. Donovan was also the perfect big brother this year through all the fuss and even amazed himself at how good he was!

We hope you are all well and had a safe and happy holiday season. Please keep Maryah in your prayers as she battles new tumors that have appeared. She is really having to fight hard right now to stay on top of this horrible disease. We are praying for you Maryah!

God Bless

Monday, December 17, 2007 11:06 AM CST

One week till Christmas. Honestly, were does the time go? It seems like it was just Halloween. Now we are buried under snow in sub zero temperatures and the end of the year is just 2 weeks away.

And we haven't had scans.

I have to tell you that it has been a huge adjustment for us and the kids to not have that stress and anxiety hanging over our heads this holiday season. Maddy and Donovan still went through a post traumatic episode were Maddy prayed that she wouldn't get sick and have to go to the hospital this year and ruin Christmas and Donovan just became very withdrawn, almost afraid of his own shadow, until I sat them both down and told them that Maddy does not have cancer, period. No one was going to get sick and we were going to have the best Christmas ever. Maddy asked if she could have scans now just to be sure. I asked her if there was something that didn't feel right in her body that she was wanting looked at and her reply was," No it just doesn't feel right not going to the hospital for Christmas." Talk about break my heart. I explained to her that the reason we pushed back her scans was because her oncologist and Donny and I want her to have beautiful holiday memories, not memories of Christmas' filled with fear and anxiety, sitting in the waiting room of the cancer center, feeling sick from the acid rolling in your stomach as you wait for the doctor to come tell you it's all clear, or not.
We needed to break the cycle. Scan day is never easy regardless of when they are, but we have had trauma every Christmas since 2003. No more.

After our talk the kids went back to being their usual happy and energetic selves and mom has gotten way behind on all of her holiday preparations. Oh well.

Other than that nothing much new. The kids are doing well in school and I do believe that the nasty virus that has plagued our house and family since the beginning of November has finally worn itself out. I was sick last week and had a few moments were I wasn't so sure I was going to make it. But everyone is on the mend now and looking forward to relaxing over the holiday season.

God Bless to everyone!
Merry Christmas!
Happy New Year!

See you in 2008!

Thursday, November 15, 2007 6:21 PM CST

I know we have not even had Thanksgiving yet but Miss Maddison is just itching to get her Christmas decorations up and so Thanksgiving is really going to be an after thought this year. Not to mention we never actually get to celebrate any holiday on the actual designated day so it kind of loses it's appeal after awhile. Maddy was very upset that we were going to celebrate Thanksgiving this Sunday because her Grandpa and I have to work on Thanksgiving day, but her brother fixed that by coming down with a bug that he can't shake so we won't be going anywhere with him this weekend.

He has had a 103-104 degree temp since last Friday and been to the doctor twice. Today they finally put him on some heavy duty antibiotics as his temp hung at 104.5 all last night. The poor kid just lays on the couch and moans and then sleeps, moans and then sleeps.

Maddy was sent home from school on Tuesday with a fever and a headache. We kept her home from school yesterday and all she did was bug her brother all day as she felt better and he didn't. So today she was up at 7am getting in the shower and packing up for school because she just hates to miss a second of school but by noon I was answering a call from the school to come and get my sick little Maddy. She had a fever again and another migraine. She came home and went to bed and is still there.

All I can think of is when is it going to hit me? What over scheduled, absolutely necessary, can't reschedule anything day is this mystery illness going to hit me on? Cuz' you know it's all about me. I missed the bulk of my workday today because Donny was with Donovan at the clinic with his phone shut off and so I had to leave my patients and drive home to get Maddy. I'm not going to lose any sleep over it though. Actually, I am totally exhausted from having a sick child and a half at home for an entire week. I'm not used to it anymore. I could hear Donovan moan and cry out all night and must have been up half a dozen times to check on him. I felt like I had been hit by a mack truck this morning when I finally woke up and realized that I had forgotten to set my alarm so I started my day out an hour and a half off schedule.

So it goes. All you can do is go with the flow. We may have taken down all our fall decorations and the Thanksgiving stuff may not be getting unpacked this year, but the spirit of giving thanks this holiday season is not lost on me. Life has been so insanely busy for us lately and I have been burning the candle at both ends for a long time now. The stress has made me snap at the kids, bark at my husband and I could just feel the bite of bitterness in me that things have to be so hard all the time. Then I picked up a Readers Digest holiday edition that had been left on the night stand by my bed, and as I flipped through the pages I was caught by a picture of a bald little boy on a hospital gurney heading out of the recovery room after having an MRI. As I looked at the picture it felt as if someone had just injected ice water down my spine and all the hairs on my body stood up as I fought back the tears and rush of emotion that the picture invoked in me. The caption under the picture read,"If he can make it through these first 2 years without a relapse he will have a chance at surviving this extremely aggressive cancer." Another wave of ice moved through my body as I stared at the blurring words on the page. I remember hearing those exact same words being told to us about Maddy. I couldn't help but read on. The little boys mother went on to say that waiting for the test results was just so excruciating until you heard the two most beautiful words there ever could be, 'ALL CLEAR,' "I can breathe now," she said,"We know we will have him for another 3 months, we know he will live through the summer now." The book fell from my hands as the memories of those words being spoken from my own lips jarred me back to just over a year ago when I couldn't plan my life out longer than the span of time we had between scans. How funny life is that way. As much as you want to and try to control it, you just simply can't. Just as you can't control the anxiety, fear and helplessness you feel when your child is ill. You never believe that it will ever get better and that you will ever really be able to move on with your life. But you can't stop time, and with time comes healing. We don't schedule our lives around scans anymore, in fact we schedule scans around our life now. That is why we aren't having scans until January. Scans aren't going to control our lives anymore, cancer isn't in control of our lives anymore, and I NEVER thought I would get to this place.
This holiday season I am so eternally grateful for the love and support of my family. I would be in a very bad place right now without them. I am also as grateful for the passing of time and the healing that has been done. With time God heals all things. Thankfully he allowed me to start healing sooner than later. And last but not least, I am the most grateful for the continued good health of my children, well, aside from this bug they have now. Thank you God for the gift that each day with them has been.

I hope that everyone who reads this will be reminded of what a gift each person in their life is, whether you see eye to eye with them or not, whether they make you happy or angry, whether they make you practice your art of patients more often than you would like. Regardless of all that really doesn't matter, remember the things that do. God Bless you all and have a wonderful Holiday Season!

Wednesday, October 24, 2007 6:59 PM CDT

Well Halloween has officially chewed up, swallowed and spit out my den in a gaudy array of orange, black and yellow plastic crap,I mean decorations. It really just looks like the Halloween section of Walmart exploded in my den. It's also only decorated on the bottom 4 feet of every wall. It must have been a ground explosion! The kids enjoyed getting full control of the decorating this year and mom has been trying VERY hard to give up her OCD like tendency to have everything put a certain way. I've resorted to just staying out of the den so I don't rearrange anything. Maddy would know if I moved one pumpkin, or one little spider, just to the other side of the books because then it would even out the shelf and then if I could move just one little haunted house over to the other side of the TV..., Well if I can't rearrange it in real life I should atleast be allowed to do it in cyberworld!

The weather has warmed alittle here the past few days and it has quit raining for now. To be honest I wish it would just snow. I don't know why but this year I just want to be done with fall and have snow. It seems once the weather finally makes that last switch to winter my fibromyalgia settles down and I can almost bare the pain. This fall has been complete hell so far. The pain in my wrist that I broke last Halloween has been pretty severe so I am going to go back to the surgeon and find out whats going on with it. I'm sure he is going to tell me arthritis and carpal tunnel but then again, what do I know?!? I'm just a mom. WAAA, enough about me.

The kids are both fine. Pneumonia is going around the school so we have been keeping an eye on Donovan but so far he hasn't so much as sniffled.(Knock on wood) Maddy is her usual healthy little self and hasn't had even a cold yet.(Knock on wood again) I better stop before I jinx myself. I really don't understand her. How many kids do you know that throw a fit because they CAN"T have their flu shot yet? Maddy got so upset the other day because the flu vaccine wasn't available yet and she couldn't go get a shot. She then got mad because her scans aren't until January and she wanted to go in and have them done now so she could see all her friends. She doesn't care that she has to have a blood draw and an IV. She is such a peculiar child.

Donny is still fighting with Workers Comp over his disability. The doctor won't release him to go back to work and yet workers comp is denying his claim. I am soooo sick of dealing with all of this. We've talked to another lawyer but I honestly don't know if there is anything we can do. I so need a break.

Well on to brighter news, our chickens have started to lay eggs!! Little brown eggs! Donny was so thrilled yesterday when he brought them in. He said he could tell they had started to lay that day because they were making a new cooing sound. I think he may be becoming the chicken whisperer! If not him than Maddy. The kids' new thing lately is Donovan will pull Maddy around the yard in the utility wagon with 3 or more chickens in her lap. Now how many chickens do you know that will let you pick them up let alone drag them all over the yard in a bumpy wagon? The next time they do it I will snap a picture and put it on her site here so you can see just how crazy it looks.

Well I had better go clean something, and maybe move a pumpkin or two!

Happy Halloween to You!

Thursday, September 27, 2007 8:48 PM CDT

The air is alive, crisp and clean.
The leaves are fading from their green.
The sun does shine so bright and clear.
I do so love this time of year!

Colors exploding from the trees,
The frantic buzzing of the bees,
Pumpkins lined up in the store,
No other season I like more.

Shorter days and cooler nights,
The kids excited for some frights,
Halloween will soon be here,
Ghosts and Goblins then will appear.

Soon they will come visit you,
To play a trick or maybe two,
So have some candy by the door,
And turn those tricks to smiles galore.

Can you tell that maybe we like fall around here? Just a little but? The kids have been planning their Halloween costumes for weeks already and I have a sneaky feeling we will have a few new pumpkins on the front step by next weekend. Maddy has been bugging me for days to get the house decorated. Unfortunately she doesn't understand the logic behind cleaning the house first before dragging out more junk, I mean decorations, to litter every room with. I do like to decorate for fall, so we will more than likely spend the next week giving the house the once over and putting up the decorations.
Our chickens are huge now and the guineas are even bigger. I was really excited when we got the guineas. The thought of having them free range the yard, eating all the mosquitoes and keeping the weeds down got me excited. I envisioned hours of fun watching them run around and acting goofy as they do, frolicking happily with our little chickens, everyone calm and existing in harmony.
Then they turned into Nazi's. Our cute little bug eating machines turned into skin headed, dive bombing, birds of terror.
It started with a rooster. All 30 something of them cornered one of our roosters and almost cracked his skull wide open. That was over a month ago and his scalp is still trying to heal and his feathers are barely making a comeback on his head, neck and shoulders.
A few days later Donny was in the office when he heard a horrible racket coming from the back yard. He went to check it out and found the guineas had flown into the chicken pen and there were feathers flying everywhere as the guineas attacked the chickens relentlessly. Each guinea had picked a target and ran them ragged, pulling their feathers out as they tried frantically to get away from them. Needless to say the guineas were locked in their brooder for a few days until the chickens settled down. We put a separate pen up for the guineas and hoped that they would stay away from the chickens then. And they did for a day or two until they discovered that the chickens pen isn't covered and so now they sit up on the edge of the pen and dive bomb the chickens that dare venture out of the hen house. I'm starting to not like the ugly little buzzards so much anymore. I do not think I will be getting anymore of them, ever. With the fact that we only have 3 or 4 females and 30 males I won't have to worry about them having tons of babies. The eggs often get cold and don't hatch because the guinea hens get sick of sitting in the eggs and abandon them. Go figure.

The kids are enjoying school and have been relatively well. Donovan had pneumonia last month but is over that now, so life is back in full swing. Not having much of anything to update about is a good thing now a days. Maddy's next scans won't be until January and she hasn't given me any indication that I need to be worrying about anything, so life is good.

We hope everyone out there in cyber-land is healthy and well and we wish you a Happy Fall!

Sunday, September 9, 2007 6:54 PM CDT

I never quite get used to how fall hits you like a tidal wave. I know its coming, I look forward to the end of summer, the break from the kids as they head back to school, the cool weather, the bright colors, the holidays. But it never fails that a few weeks into September I feel blindsided by the rush of activities, the never ending days filled with ballet, Awana, Tae Kwon Do, girl scouts, boy scouts, homework, appts., ect..., the list goes on. I know that pulling the kids out of all their extra curricular activities would solve some of the caos but what do you cut? Maddy lives for ballet and Donovan needs the structure of TKD. Do you cut their religion class? The girl scouts that I lead? We go back and forth over this every fall and yet every fall it feels the same. I guess it is what we chose it to be.

The kids had a great time at their camps this summer. Donovan went back to his camp up on Lake McGregor in very northern Minnesota and Maddy returned to Kamp Kace.
Donovan made some new friends and some of his old friends from last years camp made the journey back there just to see him. Talk about making him feel special. They had many fun activities for the kids again this year and Donovan cried when we came to bring him home. That always makes a parent feel missed when their child starts crying when they come back for them! But it just proves that he really did have a great time and that the counselors were good to him so I can live with a few tears.

Now at Maddy's camp this year they had an actual circus group come from out east to stay at the camp all week and perform for the kids as well as teach the kids a few acts and on Friday when we went to pick Maddy up the camp kids put on a 2 hour performance for the families! Maddy performed a juggling act with her boyfriend of 3 years(camp sweethearts!) she performed a few stunts on the flying trapeze, did a little clowning around and ended the show at the top of the human pyramid! It was such an awesome show and those kids really worked hard all week to learn those stunts. It was really just awesome!

After their summer camps were done the kids went to vacation bible school in Fargo at their grandmas church and really had a blast there.

School started here the 23 of August and not a day to soon for Maddy. She just absolutely loves school. Donovan was a little less enthusiastic but still happy to get back to playing with his friends and having recess!

We didn't take any family trips, vacations, or even leave home to go anywhere but camp. No trips to the lake, well we did go to the pool twice, but that's as close as we got. Pretty low key around here this year. I worked all summer, still with Hospice, and Donny was with the kids.

Our flock of chickens and guineas have kept us entertained all summer and we now wait for our very first fresh eggs to be layed. Hopefully we can sell the extras to help pay for their feed they will need over the winter. With 20 laying hens we should get plenty of eggs. Let me know if you want any! They are all natural, from hens that were free ranged all summer. It really is fun to watch them run around the yard catching bugs and eating weeds. Donny only mowed once between the third week of July and now! They eat that much grass! That was an unexpected added bonus.

Well speaking of the chickens I had better go round them up and tuck them in for the night as well as the kids. Donovan goes in tomorrow for testing to determine just how bad his newly diagnosed asthma is. The rest of us have asthma so why not him as well!?!

Thanks for checking in and God bless.

Saturday, August 18, 2007 1:57 PM CDT

I've sat here in front of this blank screen now for 40 minutes trying to think of a way to start this journal. There is no easy way to write that a child has died. There are no words that can describe the flood of emotion you feel when you read the words," and she slipped peacefully away this morning." Our inspiration and a truly beautiful soul, Maggie, left this earthly world this morning. Since the very first time I checked on her website I drew strength and hope from her that Maddy would be alright. She was in remission. She was doing so well. She is the second child we know that has passed away from ewings in the last few months. Both amazing girls. Both deaths weighing heavily on my heart. I wish I could be there to hug Maggies mom right now. I know that words don't help that much at a time like this but I would tell her how sorry I am anyway.
The weather outside today matches my mood, cloudy and cold. For August it has been very unseasonably cool. Maddy just came in and she is like a ray of sunshine. Her smile can chase away the darkest clouds. I pick her up and hold her tight, I try not to let her see the tear that rolls down my cheek as I say a silent prayer thanking God that I still have my baby here to hold, to kiss, to love. I am so very blessed that my arms are not empty today, that my heart is not shattered from the pain of losing my child. I don't know why we are so lucky, I just thank God that we are.
I was going to update about the kids and thier camp fun, the circus show, and all the fall activities starting, but it just doesn't feel right today. I will update later with all that news. For now I ask that whoever may still be reading Maddy's updates go to Maggies website -www.caringbridge.org/wi/maggie- and let her mom Cindy know you care, leave her a few words of support as she struggles through this darkest time.

Thank you

Thursday, June 28, 2007 1:30 PM CDT

It is time for the CLEAR SCANS HAPPY DANCE!!! Yeah!! Now we breathe in and out and let all the tension melt away. Thank you God. We all feel like we can breathe again, well for 6 more months anyway. Every thing looked great, she feels good, her teeth are crooked and will need braces - actually chemo related, who'd have ever thought- but other than that she is wonderful and getting geared up for Kamp Kace, the cancer camp for the kids of Roger Maris and surrounding areas. Camp isn't actually until the first weekend of August but if you are as excited as Maddy is to go then you start packing now. I told her to put an outfit on the other day and she said she couldn't becuase she wanted to wear that outfit to camp. Now I have on occassion gotten a little lax on my laundry but I can honestly say I have never gotten so far behind that I couldn't get an outfit washed in 2 months time! They are having circus performers come this year that are going to stay the week and teach the kids some circus acts to perform for the parents when we come and pick them up. Maddy is just pumped and actually I am kinda jealous that she is going to get to be in the circus. I think that is every kids fantasy growing up, to run away and join the circus, performing death defying stunts, taming wild animals and lets not forget the sparkling seguinned outfits with the glorious plumes, gobs of make up and glitter in your hair! Oh to live such a life of adventure, intrigue and amusement. With my luck though, as my friend Lori informed me, if I ran away to join the circus the only job that I would probably qualify for is to follow the elephants around with a large rubbermaid garbage can and a shovel!

Donovan is equally as excited to go to his camp the end of July and though they are not going to be having the circus come, they always have a ton of fun and bring in special guests to perform or teach the kids something new and exciting. Donovans camp is a little more work to get him to as it is a 10 hour round trip drive but he really loves it so well worth the 20 some hours of driving I will have to do that week. I am taking that whole week off and will probably take Maddy to the Twin Cities again to visit her cousin and to see my uncle. Donovan will come home that Friday and Maddy will leave that same Sunday so for almost 2 whole weeks we should have a peaceful house!

Our chickens and guineas have really grown. It seems like everyday when we go out to feed and play with them that they have grown and changed overnight! I am putting some new pictures of them in the photo albums. The kids have really tamed them and the birds will all eat right out of your hands and the chickens will jump up on you and let you pet them. Donovan is really good with them and suprisingly has more patience with them than Maddy does. Maddy wants them to come to her right away instead of giving them time to warm up to her and then pick them up. Donovan just sits and waits and before you know it he is having to push the birds off of him. It's pretty cool. Besides the birds we have added 2 new goldfish to our menagerie and maybe soon a cow, or a goat, maybe a lamb or a horse. We just can't quite decide what we want to have next.
Our garden is doing very well and I can't wait to can some tomatoes, make some strawberry and rasberry jams and enjoy fresh, new potatoes. Next year we will expand alittle more but this year we planted cabbage, peppers, tomatoes, potatoes, and transplanted MANY strawberry and raspberry plants. We also have plum trees that I will try making jelly out of. Our apple trees haven't ever produced any fruit so I am not sure what the problem is there, but they are grown and we have pollinating trees. I maybe just need to practice a bit more patience myself.

Other than that life is chugging along. I am still at Hospice and Donny is still looking for a decent job and we are still just trying to stop and smell the roses a bit more often. I hope everyone out there in cyberland is well and enjoying summer. Take care and thank you for caring.

God Bless and enjoy this 4th of July. Please remember in your thoughts and prayers all of the men and woman that have fought to keep us free and safe and the ones that are still fighting. The greatest part of my working life has been to have the honor to care for and get to listen to the stories of many truly heroic men that served in world war 1, 2 and the vietnam war. The conditions they lived in, the horrors they have seen and the sacrifices they made so we could live in this great and powerful country of ours, and live here free, just moves me so very deeply. If you know a Vet, please thank them, and then celebrate being part of this great nation of ours. Let Freedom Ring!

Monday, June 11, 2007 8:14 PM CDT

Happy Monday to everyone out in cyberland. I am glad it is Monday because I have the next 2 days off of work!!! Now maybe some laundry will get done!
Donny has been home with the kids and I have been working-alot. His back injury is making it pretty tough for him to find a job but he is still looking and we hope someday something good will come along.
Donovan is enjoying his summer break and Maddy is complaining that they have to have a summer break at all. She really loves school and begged me to let her go to summer school. Unfortunately for her summer school was full so she spends hours everyday reading and practicing in workbooks I've bought her.
We got some guinea chicks and some regular chicks so the kids are busy petting and taking care of thier new babies. The 24 chickens really like Donovan and will eat out of his hands. Maddy likes the guineas more and takes time to hug and love all 38 of them every day. We are planning on letting them free range and hopefully they will eat a large number of mosquitoes and wood ticks out of our yard and all the bugs out of our garden. We have about 300 raspberry bushes and 200 strawberry plants so if they can eat the slugs and weeds out of there we will be very happy. We had guinea hens when we lived in Minnesota along the river and we never had a problem with woodticks or mosquities. The guineas will keep going back and forth through the yard all day snapping them up. You hardly have to feed them all summer. We have quite a few stray cats and hawks around this year so I suspect we will lose some of them but not too many I hope.
Not too much else going on here. Maddy has scans coming up on the 19th of June so please keep her in your prayers that she will continue to have clear scans.
Well my filthy little gardeners are coming in now and need to be hosed off so I best go help or I will spend the rest of the night cleaning my bathroom!
God bless you all and have a great summer!

Sunday, May 13, 2007 2:19 PM CDT

HAPPY DANDELIONS DAY!!!!

Mothers day not to many years ago - Maddy was still going through treatment - Maddy came in from outside with a huge smile on her face and an even bigger armload full of dandelions and so very proudly gave them to me and said," Happy Dandelions Day momma, your the best mom ever!" I still get choked up when I think of that beautiful bald head, those huge blue eyes and a smile that reached from here to Italy, and all those dozens of dandelions dripping out of her arms, leaving a bright yellow trail behind her out the door. Happy Dandelions Day. I asked her why it was happy dandelions day and not Mothers day and she simply stated that nothing made her more happy than a yard full of bright yellow dandelions and her mom so it must be dandelions day. This year she picked lilacs off our bushes outside but Maddy has dug out her dandelion picking pail so I am sure a bucket full of her favorite weeds/flowers will be on my table by supper.
I remember being seven and thinking how glorious it was in the spring when all those bright happy blossoms errupted everywhere, in every yard, in every park, along the ditches, in the empty lots. How wonderful it was and nobody cared if you picked them by the hundreds! I too, so lovingly bestowed my prized picks upon my mother with all the adoration and admiration a 7 year old girl has for her mother, the most important person in a girls life, whether young or old. I am no longer 7 years old but I still enjoy the sight of fields of dandelions, although I must admit I do not enjoy the dozens of microscopic bugs that seem to inhabit every dandelion my precious children bring me, but I do still adore and admire the most important woman in my life, I guess that my ever so wise daughter had opened my eyes to the true beauty and meaning of the most simple things in life.
Happy Dandelions day mom, from your daughter, whom in your eyes will always be your little girl, and in my heart I'll always be seven, standing there in the kitchen with an armload full of love for you in the form of a dandelion.

I love you Maddy and Donovan for making me the most important thing I can ever be, your mom.

Monday, April 9, 2007 9:37 PM CDT

THREE YEARS!!!!! 36 MONTHS IN REMISSION!!!! Can you believe it's been THREE YEARS since she had her last day of chemo, the last day of that poison pumping through her veins,I know she wouldn't be alive today without it but it's still poison. I have kinda been in a fog all day as the realization has sank in that I never believed we would make it this far, not that I didn't believe that Maddy could survive this monster but there were so many days that I never believed that I could put one foot in front of the other and make it through everything. There have been so many scares, so many hurdles, hills and mountains to climb, so many road blocks, dead ends and cliffs we have hung off of, but it's been 3 years. 36 months and we are all still here. She is still cancer free, feeling fine and living her life, 7 year old style!

I just went back and read my journal from April 9th,2004 and I can still remember that day. I remember her end of chemo party that the nurses had for her. Emily and her parents came, my family was there, we ate lunch brought in from the Olive Garden and a beautiful cake. I remember Maddy started to not feel well and she went back to her room for a long nap. She looked so small and pale. She had a transfusion after her chemo in hopes that she wouldn't need to come back but she eventually did anyway. I can remember staring out the window at the cars passing by, trying to imagine what our life was going to be like. The fear and the excitment would wash over me in waves and I felt drained. I sat down and just watched her sleep in her little pink dress, curled up on her bed under the quilt her cousins from Colorado had made for her. She seemed to get more fragile looking with every breath she took and as anxious as I was for the last few drops of chemo to pump through her IV, I was also scared to take her home. Scared of the not knowing. As long as she was taking chemo I felt pretty safe that she didn't have cancer, but to go home with nothing more to do than wait and see scared me half to death.
I never thought that we would get to the point that we would ever go a few moments let alone a few days that we didn't have cancer at the for front of our minds. Somedays I almost feel normal -almost. We have all come along way from April 9th 2004, A long way.

We didn't have a big party or make a big fuss, I did all my celebrating internally as the jealousy factor between Maddy and Donovan is still pretty intense and we didn't feel that having a big celebration for her and drawing attention away from his very recent birthday would be a good thing, so we kept it pretty quiet. I have been doing a few Yahoo's to myself every now and again and I have had a smile on my face most of the day.

Some dr's might not agree with me that 36 months mean anything different than any other month but in alot of the research I had done about ewings it was said that if you can make it to 36 months without a relapse your chances of long term survival increase and your chances of survivng a relapse increase, so for me 36 months is huge. Not as huge as the 5 year mark - Your CURED - is going to be, but right up there non the less.

36 months - YEAH BABY!!!!!

Monday, March 5, 2007 4:43 PM CST

Well we finally got a break from the freezing cold temps and we get slammed with a blizzard! But with a blizzard comes SNOW DAYS!!! I love snow days. I have said it before but I must say it again, there is nothing better than a snow day. A bonus day to spend at home with the kids, the spouse, the dog, to do whatever you want or don't want. Maybe that's why I still live in this icebox, I don't think I would get any snow days in Pheonix.

Well it would have been more fun being stuck at home with my family if they weren't all sick. Donovan started throwing up and having diarhea last Friday and ended the following Thursday. My son could not afford to have the stomach flu that long and he looks thinner than thin now. He isn't a big eater to begin with so it will take me weeks to get him to put back on what he lost. Now me on the other hand could afford to have the stomach flu for a good month or two and still be no worse for the wear!

Maddy didn't get the stomach flu but she has had a bad cough, runny nose and fever on and off for the last week. I took her in last Thursday for an unfluenza test and that was negative but today was called by the school to come and get her as her ear hurt. Sure enough she has a bad ear infection. She is so miserable.

In the middle of all our illness my grandmother fell on some ice and dislocated and broke her shoulder. My family seems to be quite prone to falling and breaking things. Atleast now I can say I inherited it. She is still in the hospital in transitional care and will probably be there another week. We hope. Atleast there we know she has people to help her, when she goes home there won't always be someone available to stay with her and that makes us all worry.

Donny and I have been really tired but somehow seemed to have dodged the bullet when it comes to this bug in our house. Knock on wood.

Well I suppose I should go and make supper, or take a nap, I have to tell you I'm leaning more towards the nap. Sick people never want to eat anyway right?!?

Saturday, February 10, 2007 11:02 AM CST

Just me, surviving another ungodly cold day. We have been averaging -24 below zero everyday now for 2 weeks. Add another 10 to 20 degrees to that with the wind chill you get -35 to -45 below zero. To give you an idea of how cold that is imagine getting into your car that has been parked in your insulated garage and needing to wrap up in a thermal blanket. You turn the heater on full blast and after driving for an hour it still isn't warm enough in your car to take the blankets off. No, my heater isn't broke either! It has been so cold that the concrete slab in my garage split in half yesterday. And so why do I live here you ask? I have no clue anymore.

Well Donny had his 30 day performance review yesterday and was told that he wasn't progressing quickly enough with learning the computer software and so they are letting him go. We are totally devasted. I just don't know what we are going to do. Donny still doesn't qualify for unemployment benefits and there are just no job openings around here right now. I cried half the night last night. I just can't take much more of this.

Donovan has been having a tough time lately and we have learned that he worries everyday that someone will bump into Maddy at school and break her or that she will get sick and her cancer will come back and she will die. He says it just takes over his brain and he can't stop worrying about her and he can't concentrate on his school work. He has been having nightmares that she gets cancer again and will wake up screaming in the middle of the night. My heart is breaking in 2 from all this. No 8 year old child should have such a burden. He is also very jealous of her and then he gets very mad at himself for being jealous and it is just a vicious cycle. We have him in therapy but he still just has such a hard time.

I am back working full time again and my wrist aches so bad everyday -especially with the freezing temps- that I am miserable by the time I get home. There isn't anything I can do about it. I am trying my hardest to keep everyone together and keep us moving forward but I have to admit right now I am really struggling. My mom told me a saying yesterday that in each situation, If god brings you there then He will lead you through it, well I feel like He has brought us into the middle of a dark forest and now can't quite remember where He put us.

As for Maddy, like usual, she is doing well in school, feeling fine and taking everything in stride. How she can be everything the rest of us are not I will never know, I just thank God that she is.

Please continue to keep Maryah and Maggie in your prayers, they are both fighting a third relapse of ewings and are having a tough time. Maryah's mom Rachel could really use some positive energy sent her way as well as Maggie's mom Cindy. I can only imagine the fear running through thier hearts and thier minds right now. As bad as things are getting here I am continually grateful that Maddy is still in remission and doing so well. I do know things could be worse and am fully aware of just how bad they could be, I thank God every day that we aren't in that place.

Thank you for caring and checking in on us,
Holly

Thursday, January 25, 2007 2:42 PM CST

Miss Maddison is officially 7 years old now!!!! I swear she doesn't look a day over 6 & a half! She had a very nice birthday, got some cool stuff so life is great! She is still on this horse kick and is saving every penny she finds in her piggy bank so she can buy a horse. She even has gotten mom involved by bribbing me with back rubs, if I will pay her. How can I turn down 30 minutes for 1 dollar?!? She usually only makes it about 10 minutes before she's ready to move on to something else and then I only have to pay her a quarter. Still 10 minutes of a backrub is better than no minutes. She's getting pretty good at it too. Have any of you seen the movie Hidalgo? Good movie, true story, and Hidalgo's grandchildren (grandhorses?!?) still roam free in Wyomings mountains and preserves. Every year they gather up the mares and colts and auction off the colts once thier weaned and Maddy wants one of those babies. I think it would be kinda cool, but we are a ways away from looking at colts. But thats her goal. Donovan has his dog and seems to be happy with that. Yah!!

It has been a struggle to keep Maddy down and give her rib half a chance to heal. She doesn't have any pain so she has no real physical reminder to slow down. We'll just say an extra prayer that her rib can still mend with all her activity. She has been having a few migraines lately and has even thrown up from them. Horrible to think a child so young could get a migraine but both Maddy and Donovan get them. I have had them almost daily since November and am still trying to find a medication to help control them. It really does make life miserable.

Donny has started his new job now and seems to really like it. The hours are good, it's close to home, the atmosphere seems to be pretty good so Donny is happy. I will be happy once he gets his first paycheck!
I was released back to regular duty for work now and was shocked to learn that there are 11 screws in my wrist total instead of the 7 I was told. Evidentally there are 7 screws in my wrist alone and then 4 screw that go down my arm. The dr said everything looked good and that the bone was healing nicely. I have a permanent loss of 25% mobility in my wrist and will have continual pain for quite awhile but I am just glad I can use my hand again. It gets very stiff but thats better than not having it to use at all.

Well the kids should be home soon so I should go. Please visit www.caringbridge.org/mn/maryah and send her your prayers as she waits to go in and have a biopsy of a mystery spot in her upper thigh bone. She has already fought through a relapse of ewings and I know how worried her family is and I know how important prayers and support are at an unsure time like this. I am believing it will be nothing but until you hear the "All Clear" from the dr you worry like crazy.
Also please keep Maggie -www.caringbridge.org/wi/maggie- in your prayers as she fights through her relapse of ewings. Both these girls are real fighters and are giving all they got to fight this horrid disease, so please send them strength to continue on.

Love,
Holly

Friday, January 12, 2007 8:00 PM CST

I sit here tonight, thinking about my life, my families life, my husbands life, life in general. It could be because Donny and I just celebrated 13 years of marraige. Truthfully there wasn't much celebrating, it was more like a brief acknowledgement. It's not because we aren't happy that we've been married 13 years, it's just when you reach a certain level of stress it's hard to get excited about much. It started me thinking though on how much we have been through together, how many times we didn't think things could get any worse and then they did. We could have paved a road to hell and back by now. Lately it's felt like we were in hell again. Luckily for us we have family and friends that don't let us get lost there. They push, pull, shove, and drag us through until we see the light of hope again. We started this year out ecstatic that Maddy was fine, but devastated about what was going to happen to us if Donny didn't find a job. We thought things were bleak before but this was a new low. I thought we were going to have to put our house up for sale. We made a list of things we could maybe sell to buy us another month. The uncertainty of it all was just driving us crazy. And then Donny gets a phone call and a job offer and we are saved. Again. That's what I have been thinking about tonight. How any times have we been pushed to the edge and yet not gone over the cliff. We've been through an aweful lot and yet we always manage to make it through. But not with out help. Most of the time I know where the help is coming from but not always. I prayed the other day that god would help us get through this and that my children wouldn't suffer. That they would never have to worry about where they were going to sleep or if they were going to eat, and a few days later a gift card for the grocery store shows up in my mailbox with no name and no return address. I have no idea who sent it or even who would know how bad things were getting for us. But there it was, a pure and unselfish gift from a stranger, and a sign to me that one should never give up hope, or faith in the goodness of people. If you are reading this than know that your gift was appreciated more than you will ever know and thank you for reaching out to us, for caring. It will take us awhile to get back on our feet but I know we will and for the first time in along time I am looking forward to the year stretching out before us. I really think that this is going to be our year. A year of positive change for us. Donny feels it too. Maddy feels we should start looking for a horse. I think things are going to be good but not that good! Someday though, they will.

I ask you all to say prayers for Maggie who had scans on friday that the new lump on her head is not a new ewings tumor. She needs all the positive thoughts you can send her way. And please keep Maryah in your prayers that the infection in her leg from her prosthetic bone will finally heal and she will remain pain free and tumor free.

Wednesday, January 3, 2007 10:33 PM CST

Well the orthepedic dr took a few more x-rays and said the bone looks like it is starting to heal and that they really don't do anything for broken ribs. He didn't think she needed surgery or a brace, just told us to keep her quiet for a month or two. We begged for a brace! I told him it would be easier to pin down the wind then to keep her from running and dancing and just going all the time. He laughed but I was serious. She doesn't have any pain at all from it now and so she doesn't see why she can't do what she wants. The dr explained that during her amputation her surgeon probably stripped out the nerves to make sure there were no cancer cells clinging to the sheathes and that has deadened most of them and then when the bone snapped in half she probably severed the rest so that is why she has no pain. Donny and I are still concerned about how this little rib is going to heal properly hile supportng that gortex pad and the dr never actually would answer that specific question so I guess we will just have to pray that her youth will speed up the healing process enough to stabalize that pad and then strengthen the rib. As to how the rib broke well, she says she ran into a table at religion class one night and that is when her side started to really hurt so we took her in for the first x-ray that showed the hairline crack. A few days after that she was hugged by a child no less, and that is when she told the dr she felt it break. So a simple hug on a little cracked rib and all this happens.
What a nightmare.
We atleast were able to have a quiet New Years and we were all able to relax alittle. The kids started back to school today and Maddy survived day one of no gym and no recess. She says she just had so much fun working in her workbooks over recess but you know that just isn't going to last long. Her teacher I'm sure is going to get tired of trying to find things for her to do everyday also. Maddy can get a tad annoying when she gets bored and has this habit of asking you a 1001 questions about anything and everything. Her favorite of all being,"But Why?"

I almost forgot to tell you, we finally got snow and lots of it. It's the fluffy kind too, my favorite. It just so happens to be good sledding snow and I must hear atleast 20 times a day how much fun it would be if some little girl could only go sledding if only for a minute. Just one quick trip down the hill would really be so great. HUGE Sigh following and then the droopy head as the lower lip rolls out. Find the kid an Emmy will ya! It's going to be a very long winer. Very long.

Well I need to go and help Donny find an outfit for his job interview tomorrow. It's been the only one to call from about 20 jobs he's applied for and this one actually pays half way decent so say a prayer for him that he gets offered the position.

Thank you to everyone who cares and has prayed for us. God bless you. Good night.

Thursday, December 28, 2006 8:30 PM CST

WE ARE STILL IN REMISSION!!!!! THERE WAS NOOOOO SIGN OF CANCER ANYWHERE IN HER TINY BUT BEAUTIFUL BODY!!!!!

Everyone, together, breathe in and out, in and out. I haven't hardly taken a breathe in over a week. What a relief. I can't remember the last time I was so petrified. Oh yeah, last Christmas when we went through this and it turned out to be scaring over her ribs were the gortex pad is attached. You know, ..... we have had a significant scare every Christmas since 2003 when they told us we needed to stop chemo or she would die, but if we stopped chemo she would die. What a choice to have to make! Obviously we didn't like those options and went with our own - Keep Fighting and that is just what we did and will continue to do no matter what happens!

When the doctor's office finally called late yesterday afternoon and I told Maddy her scans were clear she started to cry. I asked her why she was crying and she said,"I don't know." I asked her if she had been worried and she shook her head no, so I asked her again why she was crying then if she wasn't afraid, and she said,"I guess I lied. I really was afraid." My heart just broke for her and I started to cry and so she asked me why I was crying and I said,"I don't know," and she asked me if I had been worried too and I shook my head no, so she asked me why I was crying then if I wasn't afraid and I said,"I guess I lied too."

And so we had a celebration like you only have in this screwed up life you have during and after cancer. We celebrated a broken rib. In any other existence someone would be calling social services, in ours, we celebrate.

I had an extrememly hard time with this latest little scare, maybe I was just already too stressed to deal with one more thing, maybe, but a friend of mine brought it to my attention that maybe I am losing my faith and that is why the ocean of fear swallowed me so quickly. She told me I just needed to trust in God more, just think of him as working through Maddy's dr's as they scanned her. I told her it would be a heck of a lot easier to trust the dr's if it really was God scanning her. I know I have issues. I know I need to let some of them go. Ok, most of them, but I went through hell to get her diagnosed. I went through hell to get her the right treatment, and then to keep her on the right treatment, and then she recieved to much treatment in the end despite how careful I was about everything. So can you really blame me for having trust issues?!?!?
I know I started off here talking about faith and I went off on trust but aren't faith and trust the same thing? I have to trust that there is a God, I have to have faith that he will always be there for us. It's not that I don't believe he is there, but I do have trouble trusting he will always take care of us. I wish I was one of those people who always believed, who's faith is unwaivering. I wish I didn't doubt and mistrust. I wish....I could wish for a million different things right here but that won't change a thing. Have I lost my faith? I wouldn't say I've lost it as much as I've misplaced it for now, but I'm looking for it. Am I ever going to fully and unconditionally trust the medical staff that takes care of Maddy or any one else in my family? I wouldn't put any money down on that bet either. But I am going to work real hard at my acting so the next time we go through a false alarm I have a much better game face to put on for everyone. Then maybe I won't have to admit I lied too.

So now we wait for January 2nd when we go to see the orthopedic surgeon and hear our options for her rib. If you saw her you would never believe there was a thing wrong. She won't take any medicine for pain and denies having any. She runs around here like, like, well I guess like a 6 year old should, but not with a broken rib. She is a hard one to keep down. I don't understand how she can not be in excruciating pain. My wrist woke me up out of a drug induced coma every night for almost 8 weeks and she won't even take a Tylenol! I am really hoping she won't have to have any surgery, but I can't imagine they wouldn't atleast put her in a brace. She needs something to slow her down alittle so that rib has half a chance to heal.

Other than that we will just be counting the days until Maddy's birthday on the 18th and trying to figure out a birthday party we can manage that won't injure her anymore. Sledding is definetly out. Along with swimming, roller skating, snow boarding - did I mention that this is the first winter in about 50 years that we haven't had any snow?, kinda nixes all the snow activities right there anyway - ice skating, bowling and - -thank you GOD- Chuck E. Cheese! So we aren't left with a whole lot of options that Maddy likes and she has yet to convince me that inviting her whole class over for a sleep over would be any fun at all. What a party pooper I am, I know.

Well I had better hit the hay because tomorrow I get to hit the road and get back out there working for real!! No more cruising a desk all week for me. I am still on light duty but I can feed patients and I finally get to do it tomorrow!

I wish all of you a safe and Happy New Year. We will be having an Italian New Year this year and will be ringing in 2007 with our adopted Italian family at 5pm our time, 12am thier time. Even with a few extra drinks and letting the kids stay up "late" we should all be in bed by 9pm, ok maybe 9:30! I like it!!!!

Thank you all for all your prayers and support. It truly makes a difference. God Bless you all.

Sunday, December 24, 2006 9:19 AM CST

Here's what we know. Sometime between Friday when she took the chest x-ray that showed a hairline crack on her rib to Thursday, her rib broke in half. This break is assumed to be the reason for the scan results we got. Many radiologist read her scans and her oncologist confrenced with them and they all feel it is just a break. HOWEVER, we will be doing a PET scan and a CT scan on Tuesday to be sure. She then will go and see an orthopedic surgeon about what needs to be done to heal this break. It will be surgery, or a brace or both. I am still keeping my emotions guarded as anything could turn up on the PET scan, but her oncologist doesn't feel that there is anything there other than a broken rib. So for now it means no hugging her, no playing outside or roughhousing with her brother. No ballet. That one is just going to kill her. No gym or recess at school either. She denies having any pain and it is not going to be easy to get her to slow down.
The emotional roller coaster Donny and I have been on this last week has just been unreal. We both feel drained in every possible way. I really hate this part of our life. This part were you never can trust that things are going to be ok. It is bad enough to have to deal with the broken wrist, loss of income, loss of Donny's job and all his benefits, the instability right now has been so over whelming and then wham! Maddy doesn't feel good and we are being told she is probably relapsing with cancer. It's almost enough to push a person over the edge.
But, today is Christmas eve and against all odds I did get the presents wrapped and the tree finished and we have some celebrating to do.
Thank you to everyone that prayed for Maddy and gave us your support. Please continue to pray for clear scans on Tuesday. A special thanks to all my wonderful co-workers at Hospice who were right there, right now with all their love, prayers and support. You are a wonderful group of people. Thank you so much for everything.
Have a wonderful and peaceful Christmas this year. I feel as if we have had our Christmas miracle and am thanking God she is here with us. God Bless you all!

Thursday, December 21, 2006 7:41 PM CST

I am trying to remain positive and have hope. Maddy hasn't been totally fine lately but when I would call her dr with my concerns he would tell me he wasn't concerned and to just relax. Well she has been complaining of pain the last month, but she grew an inch so it did make sense that it could be growing pains. But my Maddy radar was on over load so I finally took her into our local clinic for a chest x-ray. It showed that her rib above her amputation site was fractured and we needed to find out why so today she had a bone scan. Well I was told that if the scan lit up in the middle of her bone that would indicate tumor growth as your bones grow from the ends not the middle. Well the rib above her amputation site lit up in the middle of the bone. We have not heard this officially from her dr yet it is just what we saw ourselves. We go back tomorrow for the scan results but I am sure he is going to tell me she has relapsed and our world will turn upside down and inside out again.

Right now I am so numb and not fully accepting what is going on. Maddy is aware of something and has been very clingy but hasn't asked alot of questions yet. Donovan is crabby and isolating himself from us so I know he is picking up on this all too.

I can't do this again. I can't watch my baby suffer like that again. I can't loose her. She is my life. How am I going to get my family through this again? Donny doesn't have a job, we went bankrupt 2 years ago and have nothing in reserves to get us through this. I don't know if we should stay here for treatment. So many things are running through my head and maybe I am jumping the gun on all of this but I know what I saw and how I feel and I don't think I am. I am praying to God I am wrong. With every fiber of my being I am praying to God I am wrong. But if I'm not, alot of decisions are going to have to be made very quickly. It doesn't appear to be anywhere other than the rib which is very good. I hate that this is happening at Christmas again. Last time it turned out to be scar tissue but I don't feel like that's going to be the case this time.

Please pray that I am wrong. Please pray that Maddy will be just fine and this is just me being paranoid. Please just pray that it isn't cancer again. Maddy is so afraid of having cancer again I don't know that she would get through it as well a second time around. Please just pray.

I will update when I know what the radiologist dictated, hopefully tomorrow morning, but probably not until tomorrow night after her meeting with her onc.

Wednesday, December 13, 2006 9:47 AM CST

Isn't she gorgeous?!?!? I know all moms think thier kids are the cutest, but she really is stunning. I put more of thier portraits in the photo album so take a minute and check it out.
Well the kids have been fine, no major illnesses or anything. They both love school and are doing well. Maddy has been very "motherly" with me since breaking my wrist and loves to put pillows under my arm, bring me drinks and give me lots of hugs and kisses. She reads me stories and puts in all her favorie movies for us to watch together. She really is so sweet. Donovan has been a very good helper too. He sweeps the floor, takes the dog for her walks, feeds her, vaccuums and folds laundry. I have been very proud of them both. Donny has even pitched in and cleaned the house and has been doing the dishes. I'm still trying to get over the shock!!
My cast is off and I go to hand therapy every week. I have made incredible progress with it but still have very limited movement in my wrist and have a great deal of pain with every movement. My fibromyalgia is effecting how it is healing so I think I will be in pain for quite awhile yet. I can use my hand but have some nerve damage in my fingers, I also don't have much strength in it. I can pick up a can of pop but can't hold on to it for very long. I have been working a few hours here and there in the Hospice office filing papers as my dr hasn't fully released me back to work yet. This has been a really hard fall for us. Donny has been looking for a new job for months with no luck and now this last Monday his position was eliminated and he has no job. We are already struggling as I am on an unpaid medical leave and have no resources to fall back on. Donny won't qualify for unemployment so this is going to be a tough year.
Donny and I both have been pretty depressed but instead of sitting here and continueing to list the various other blows we have suffered these past few months, I am going to list all the positives we have.

First and foremost we are celebrating Christmas as a whole family. We were told that Maddy would probably not ever make it to see the Christmas of 2003 and here she is in 2006 making out her Christmas letter to Santa.
I still have a job to go back to when I am able and work with a great group of people.
I have a house. We are not cold or starving, my children have never known want. They have never had to go without a basic necessity of life.
I have a partner to share the burdens with, and even though we disagree at times, I don't have to face all of this on my own.
I have good friends and a good family who may not be able to ease any of our financial strains, but thier love and support are even more important.
I still believe that someday we will finally get ahead. We have been beat down so many times and yet we are still here-we are still struggling-but we are still here.

The kids won't go without this Christmas, they won't get alot but they only asked for 2 things each so they will get what they want. We will still celebrate with our family, enjoy the laughter and the love and ring in the New Year with optimism and hope.

We wish all of you the same. May you be with the ones you love this Holiday season and may you have peace for the loved ones who are no longer here in the present, but with us always in our hearts. COunt your blessings, and count them often. Sometimes it feels like the world is working against us but if you stop and really think about it there is always someone out there who's life is much worse off than yours. I am thankful for what I still have.

God Bless you all and have a very MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!

Saturday, November 11, 2006 11:26 AM CST

Well in some instances no news is good news and in respects to Maddy that is true. She is doing great, is healthy and loving school. She has had a nagging cough for a few months now but that is due to her asthma and the dust being stirred up around our house with all the farmers out taking off thier crops. She is really doing well in school, can read and write rather well and just loves to learn. Donovan is also doing very well this year and has a fascination with the Titanic. He always has a book with him about the Titanic and loves to tell you all he knows. So everything is well with the kids, now unfortunately Donny and I haven't fared as well.

On October 30 I was helping Maddy with her shower, our whirlpool/shower sits up on a platform about 8 inches off the ground, well I stepped back to reach Maddy's towel off the stand behind me and twisted my ankle/foot on the rug on the floor. I then took a step back to try and balance myself and ended up stepping right off the platform. I fell and shattered my wrist-the left one- and dislocated it as well. I spent most all of that week in the hospital, had 2 plates and 7 screws put in - these are permanent- and experienced pain at a level I can't even describe. I can't work for 8 weeks, I can't drive for this coming week yet, can't hardly do anything. This has really been a blow not only financially-no workers insurance-but mentally and emotionally as well. Needing to depend so heavily on others is very difficult to do. I have felt so very useless and defeated the last few weeks. I have always been a caregiver and it is really very hard for me to have to accept help from others. I have been counting the blessings I have in my life and am very grateful to my friends and family for all that they have been doing to help with the kids, the house, and me.
I would like to thank everyone that has brought over a meal(With Donny working such long hours and me not being able to make anything more than toast, the meals were an absolute god send), sent cards or flowers or just called to say hi. It has really helped to know so many people care and shown me who my friends really are. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. Even the smallest acts of kindness really have helped boost our spirits. I am also very fortunate to work for an organization as caring and compassionate as Hospice and really have appreciated everyones support there as well.

Everday it gets a little bit better and I pray it will heal completely and without any complications.

Donny has been having a lot of stress and complications with his job and we are praying he will be able to find a new job soon so he can start to feel better again. He has lost alot of weight from the stress of being in such a poor work enviroment as they constantly threaten to terminate him over every minor problem that arises. Unfortunately there isn't much available right now. This is a bad time of year to try and find a good job.

Well I must go and put my arm up, it is starting to throb now as my pain meds are wearing off. Thank you again to everyone for all your thoughts and prayers and acts of kindness, God Bless.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006 9:36 AM CDT

Good morning everyone. I know it's been awhile but like they say-No news is Good news- and we have such good news that MADDY IS 2 1/2 YEARS IN REMISSION!!!! Her scans on the 5th were clear as a bell, her heart is doing just fine-no signs of damage, and her kidney damage has corrected itself - her renal output is back to normal!!!!! Her asthma even seems to be sooo much better as she hasn't needed her inhaler all summer. Her hair is still VERY thin but seems to have stopped falling out so life is very good!
Maddy is in the first grade now and is just loving every minute of it. She has started reading and writes beautifully. Her teacher says she is top of the class and just a very hard worker and very polite. Maddy has always been that way though. When she was in for scans her usual nurse had left to go back to school and we are very happy for her but sad that we don't get to see her anymore, anyway, this nurse was the only one who could get an IV started on Maddy without multiple pokes and problems. It took 3 nurses almost an hour to get her blood draw done and her IV in, collapsed multiple veins and Maddy just sat there the entire time, never cried, never complained, only said "ow" once and then apologized to the nurse for saying it! She then apologized to the nurses for having such small veins and said she would try harder next time to get them to cooperate! The nurses all felt horrible because it certainly wasn't her fault that the IV wasn't going in.
What a kid.
I am so very, very proud of her and her oncologist commented on how well she did at camp and how she just gets along with EvERYBODY. He just was very impressed with her. He says she is doing so well in fact that he wants to move her scans to every 6 months instead of 3 and cut out the x-rays. He says he doesn't think she needs to be exposed to all that extra radiation from the scans and since she is doing fabulous doesn't think she needs the stress every 3 months. I like the idea of less radiation exposure and the thought of getting to live almost half a year before our next round of anxiety but it is reassuring to know that every 3 months we for sure know she is fine and that we would be catching it super early if anything came back. I worry that I might miss a cue from her if something starts to go wrong, we weren't as busy before when I caught it. I spent every waking moment with her then, now she is in school and in ballet, Brownie Girl Scouts, there will be skating lessons, swimming lessons, soccer in the spring, what if I miss something? I know some of you are reading this and saying to yourself-not you, you won't miss a thing, but I worry that I will. All new change comes with pro's and cons and I will just have to stay ever vigillent with her. I am glad we are going to scan less often. I think it will help her feel more normal.

She has come home a few times and cried because her side will hurt were her ribs are gone and she doesn't like not being just like the other kids, not whole. I reassure her the best I can but it is something she will have to learn to live with and accept. She has been asking some very tough questions lately, keep in mind she is only 6 years old, she wanted to know what exactly causes cancer, not on an enviromental level but a cellular one. She wanted to know how tumors form within the body, what the chain reaction of events there are that cause a cancer to form, how do cells divide and when they didvide what tells them to make a cancer tumor instead of bone or skin or whatever they are supposed to make. These are her actually questions that she drilled her oncologist on for an hour and then me for another 2. She is only 6. I finally took kleenix and demonstrated how cells divide and how cells cluster together to form tissue and that some of that tissue if made in the wrong order could cause it to be cancerous but as far as what causes that mistake in the chromosomal chain, if I knew that I would have a cure for cancer. God, doesn't it sound simple, just find out what causes that mistake and we coould cure this plague of disease from our society. So close yet so far, that seems to be how it always is, so close yet so far.

Maddy had an absolute blast at camp. She went boating, fishing, swimming, played games, made cool crafts, sang songs, had cook outs, I wish I could be a kid again! She was one tired little girl when we picked her up on Friday. Donovan had went to camp with her but seeing all the really sick kids upset him and he just wanted to come home and be with mom and be reassured that Maddy was still healthy and fine and that she wasn't at camp because she was sick again. He has a summer camp he goes to that he likes and she can have Kamp Kace. He only stayed one night and I picked him up the next morning. We had a nice week together, just the 2 of us. He was happy when Maddy came home though and he had someone more amusing to play with! I will put some of her pictures from camp in the photo album. I better get to that and then get myself ready for the Brownie meeting after school. We have such a nice troop, all the girls get along so well and I have a new co-leader that really has some great ideas for projects. The Girl Scout council is trying to get me positioned to become this areas representative and organize all the troops around our town. I hope I am not biting off more than I can chew! I will atleast give it a try and all I can do is my best.

I hope you all are enjoying this fall. I absolutely love this time of year and am itching to get all my halloween decor out, I just love Halloween! God Bless you all.

Thursday, August 3, 2006 7:24 PM CDT

The heat wave continues here in the upper midwest. We did actually have a day or two that it rained a little bit, but for the most part we are in a drought and temps have been in the upper 90's to low 100's. Too damn hot for me. I love the dry heat but once you go above the 90's I'm staying were there's air conditioning. Despite the heat wave here, we have not spent alot of time at the pool, nor did we even get our pool up. I don't really have an explanation as to why not, we just didn't. I can't say that it's because we were to busy, we weren't, time just seemed to slip away and before I realized that I should get moving it's half way through July and hardly seemed worth the effort knowing the kids were going to be going to camp and what not. Speaking of camp, Kamp Kace is this weekend and my kids are just pumped to go. Donovan just got back from a summer camp way up in northern Minnesota, 5 hour drive one way-can we say MIGRAINE?!?- and so I just finished his laundry and got them both packed for camp on Sunday. I have big plans for my week of freedom, I also am taking into consideration the huge plans I had for my summer that never materialized, so I will be impressed if I get anything done. I did buy paint to repaint my bathroom so I will atleast get that done, I hope.

Donny had landed a job selling buildings for a company in Fargo in June and was just this week made branch manager. There was a very slight raise and a ton of responsibiliy added to his laundry list of job duties, but he really seems to be enjoying the challenge of being a boss and has seemed to have found his nitch. His 20 odd years of construction experience has really helped him in this job and he just has the perfect personality for sales. I am, needless to say, very proud of him.

I will hopefully be heading back to work this month when school starts and am looking forward to having some time out of the house. I have had the worst summer I can ever recall for migraines. I had a ct scan this week that came back normal and an appt. with my neurologist next week to try and solve the problem. I have no idea what is triggering them, I just want them to stop.

The kids are also just pumped for school to start. They have both missed all thier friends over the summer and are excited to get back into that routine. I am dreading having to go back to actually getting up and getting ready in the morning. Right now it is taking, on average, 3 hours for the kids and I to get dressed, brushed, fed and out the door. Insane I know. If we get ready in under 2 hours lately I am exstatic. Life certainly slows down in the summer.

Speaking of slow, my little princess has come to a complete stop on the floor of the den so I think I should take her upstairs to sleep on something more comfortable. She went to a pool party this afternoon and was falling asleep at 6 pm, so I guess I should be glad she made it this long. While Donovan was at camp I took her to the Cities and we stayed at my uncles. My cousin and I took Maddy and his daughter to the Mall of America to the build a bear workshop where they made cats and bought clothes and really just had a blast. Needless to say that they stayed up late playing with thier babies and I think Maddy has just burned the candle at both ends for too long. It has been a very busy last 2 weeks for us.

I will update when the kids get back from camp and will add new pictures, so until then God bless and good night!

Friday, July 7, 2006 1:13 PM CDT

I started out this morning with a plan, I was going to write a few e-mails, pay a few bills, and catch up on a few caringbridge kids. That was my plan. It was working too until my computer decided to reboot and erase my e-mail that I had been working on for almost an hour. So I started over and just as I was about to wrap it up I got the error message again warning me my computer was going to reboot. Thank God my fingers actually worked fast enough and I hit save before the screen went black, that e-mail saved. So when I decided to update Maddy's website I started a word document so I can save as I go. I hope I remember to hit save enough! Anyway, I opened my blank document and starred at the wide, blank screen. All the thoughts rolling around in my head suddenly went as blank as my screen. What do I write today? What do you really care to hear about anymore? I sat here and starred. Searching my mental resources for a witty opening, a joke, and anecdote perhaps, nothing seemed to fit. The screen seemed to beckon me to fill it with words, to type, create a glimpse of our lives for you all to see today, and yet with all the whiteness, the cleanness of the screen, I was at a loss as to what I should sully it up with. Funny how you can have a never ending thought until you go to commit it to print, and then it just suddenly vanishes. Thinking is the easy part, sharing those thoughts can be one of the hardest things a person can do. So much of our lives seem to be spent in fear and worry over what our expressed thoughts might say about us, how they may shape another's opinion of us, how they may affect our friendships, working relationships, family relationships. How much easier it would be to leave the screen blank.
I also have come to a problem of repetition. Every sentence I write I began to wonder if I have written it before. The thoughts all seem so familiar and I do not know if the familiarity is due to me just recalling a past journal I have written and now I'm just re wording it or if it's familiar because things just never seem to change. We always seem to be broke, just in varying degrees, we always worry about Maddy and Donovan, that too in varying degrees. We worry about our jobs, our future, our kids future, our health. The same things over and over again. So I guess I'll apologize now if after 3 years of filling blank pages I am starting to issue re-runs, it's not intentional. 3 years ago I did not care one iota if what I wrote offended anyone, created an unseemly picture of us, was grammatically correct, or maybe too in depth and graphic. But now the words that I pepper this clean white screen with seem to be much harder to write than they did in the beginning. I don't know why I should care anymore now than I did then on whether you liked what I wrote or how it would affect your opinions of us. As time slips by so does the thickness of ones emotional skin. It's ironic how vulnerable you feel after being so strong for so long. I guess as time goes on this just isn't as cathartic as it once was for me.

But for as long as people keep stopping by to check up on Maddy I will continue to keep you as up to date as I can. She is really doing well and is REALLY looking forward to KampKace in August. She misses her buddy Emily so very much and can't wait to see her again. I am looking forward to the break myself. We have really kept this summer on a low keel so we have been together 24-7 since school let out. Not that that's a bad thing but the kids need a little independence in a completely safe, structured, heavily supervised capacity and I need time to get ready for the high level of insanity that the start of school, extra curricular activities, and work will all bring the end of August. We have 2 more weeks of virtual calm here before life picks up alittle. Donovan might get to go to a camp by himself for a week and the 125th anniversary celebration is the last weekend of July and Donovan needs to finish painting his derby car for the parade. I also have to get going and do some Daisy Girl Scout meetings before my Daisy troop turns to Brownies this fall. Fun, Fun!

Well I need to go and help the kids find their library books so we can get them all read before story/craft time at the library on Tuesday. That has been the extent of our summer schedule- 1 hour every Tuesday till the end of July. I know, how do I manage?!?! ��

Friday, June 16, 2006 8:57 AM CDT

Well scans were on Monday and all was clear!!!!! I am still waiting for the last of the blood test results to come in and try to pin point a culprit for Maddy's disapearing hair. It could be any number of things, few of which could actually be treated. Her onc said although not common by any means, she could be having a very delayed reaction to the chemo. She had such a severe reaction to the one chemo drug that they were contemplaing stopping chemo altogether but instead switched her protocal so she went at the slower pace. Her reaction was unusual then and could be having this bizarre effect on her now. I'm just thankful that she still has SOME hair. It is noticeably thin and bare but she's not bald so we thank Gog for that.
Count your blessings sort of thing.

I have been reading the book "Traveling Light" by Max Lucado, lately,- Thank you so much Sabrina-better late than never-right? :)- and it really makes me think about all the emotional baggage we as humans carry. He had a whole chapter on worry and how no matter how much you worry about something, it won't change the outcome. I know I've been told that before and even said it myself a few times, but something about the way he phrased it made me really ponder this point. I was so worried about Maddy's scans this time-for no particular reason- that I was physically ill for days before her scans and then ended up throwing up when we got to the cancer center. And what did all this gastrointestinal distress accomplish for me? Nothing. Did it change the outcome of her scans-no. Did she not relapse because I puked-no. So why do I let myself get so upset? I don't know. I am fine and living life, paying bills, cleaning house, taxiing my kids from appt to activity to whatever, until the 2 weeks before her scans and then I just quit coping. I guess this is an improvement as last year I spent the 2 MONTHS prior to her scans in a state of panic, and since she scans every 3 months, well, I wasn't accomplishing much.
Fear seems to be such a hard emotion to let go of, especially if you have lived with it for so long. I don't want to pick up that emotional baggage anymore. Hopefully I can learn how to leave some of it behind, I need to learn how to Travel Light in so many definitions of the word.

Well one load of baggage we have been able to drop lately is the worry over Donny getting a job. He has a good position as a salesman for a long standing company with awesome benefits and room to advance. He will be selling buildings and so it utilizes his 20 odd years of construction background and his new skills as a salesman. It's perfect for him. He is feeling alittle overwhelmed right now but will soon settle in and I think excel at it. This also means that I am off at Hospice for the summer and really need this time to rejuvinate. I love my job but it does get to me sometimes and my summer break gives me the time I need to recoup and then I'll be ready to go full speed this fall when both the kids will be in school full days everyday.

Well I must comment on the fact that we have not yet been plagued with our yearly onslaught of mosquitoes. It has been so mild and dry up here so far this year it has been just beautiful. My lawn is brown but I don't care because atleast I can be out on my lawn!

Well I must go and motivate myself to doing something. I have been working on laundry for days now and I have got to keep faith that there will be an end to it soon!

Our love to you all.

Saturday, May 6, 2006 2:32 PM CDT

Good gracious, I can't believe I haven't updated since MARCH!!!! I should be tarred and feathered, especially since Maddy had scans on April 7th!!! Everything there was all clear and she is cancer wise doing just fine. She is having problems with her hair falling out and so her onc has moved up her next scans to June 12th to do some more in depth blood work to see what is going on with her that her hair would be falling out. She has lost half of the hair that returned after she finished treatment and I can barely cover the ultra thin spots with a ponytail to try and conceal the fact that she is balding. Her onc says this wouldn't be related to chemo and so we need to look metabolically. Maddy relates hair loss with her being diagnosed with cancer so the more hair that falls out the more she is convinced then that she must be getting her cancer back. I get so drained from constantly trying to convince and reassure every one that every thing is fine and there's nothing to worry about when in reality we really don't know if everything is fine and her onc wouldn't have moved up scans if he didn't think we needed to address this sooner than later, even though I have been saying for a year now that I thought her hair was thinning it's not until now that it is so noticeable that anyone is paying attention. Very frustrating. We are also trying to find a good child therapist to start working with Maddy about her fears and depression. Both her and Donovan have been very worried about the fact that Donny graduates from college on Friday and he has no job lined up. He has put his resume out everywhere and had some interviews but because of his age and lack of experience in this new field no one wants to hire him. We were sure the kids didn't understand the situation but parents should never assume ignorance on thier childrens part to pick up on the tension in the house whether anything is ever said in front of them or not. Maddy was crying the other day worried that we would run out of food to eat and Donovan thought we would have to start selling all our stuff. We aren't that desperate but I was devistated that my babies would be worrying about such things. As a parent I am supposed to protect my kids from having to worry about those sorts of things. Kids should never have to worry about having enough food, clothes, financial security. Life is just to complicated.
Donny still can't smell or taste and that probably won't return now. He has suffered what is considered to be like adult shaken baby syndrome. He is really struggling with his anxiety over getting a job and that doesn't help. We will be all right for 2 months but then I will start to panic too. Pray for a good job to come his way soon.

Well there is only 2 weeks of school left and I can't wait. I am so tired of taking the kids to so many activities, I know I should just say no once in a awhile but I don't so it's my own fault. I just tahnk God that I have kids to take to soccer and Ballet and whatever else they want.

We are doing the Relay for Life again this year and Maddy's team is going with the Wizard of Oz as our theme. wE HAVE RAISED OVER $1200.00 SO FAR!!!!!! This will be our best Relay ever for us. The costumes are great-Maddy is Dorothy of course- I get to be Glinda the good witch!! Donny and Donovan are the Lollipop kids and the other team members have the whole cast covered. I am really looking forward to it.

Well I wanted to make this longer and maybe even change the pictures but Maddy has just come in and is begging me to take a nap with her, what kind of mother would I be to refuse my child a nap?!?!? I really need one today anyway!!

Please keep the family of our Angel Christopher in your prayers as his birthday was this week and it has been a painful year for them. Happy Birthday Christopher, you are always in our hearts and prayers. You will never be forgotten.

Our love to you all,
Holly

Thursday, March 16, 2006 10:02 PM CST

How quickly life changes. One minute your fine, life is boring, you go to school, to work, home again, you eat and sleep. HO HUM, and then in one bad day your life changes. Now one might expect that in my life I might finally be getting used to all these whammies but you know, they still turn my life upside down and inside out and make me ponder what it is I ever did to deserve all this. Let me recap.

Last week Maddy was very depressed. She has been getting tired alot recently and this made her start to worry that maybe she was getting sick again, that maybe her cancer was coming back and this time maybe she would die from it like her friend John did. She also has been affected by the little girl in our area that has brain cancer. Her picture is everywhere, people talk about her all the time, there has been alot of publicity for her benefits and Maddy is constantly reminded of the fact that little kids get cancer and some have a really hard time and even die. She also has been realizing that she is different from her classmates in that she gets very tired, she has so many scars, she is missing her ribs, has allergies and asthma and kidney damage and scoliosis and needs to take medicine, avoid certain things and she just doesn't want to be different. She would come home from school and cry and on Tuesday she became very upset, cried for hours, got Donovan all worked up and I just felt so defeated. The questions she asked were so hard to answer, the emotions she brought roaring back up in my soul just over whelmed me and I felt so helpless to do anything. I felt crushed from the sadness and fear that she felt, Donny and I both just couldn't function so we decided that we needed to get Maddy and Donovan away from here for awhile and decided to take the kids to Minneapolis,MN for the weekend. I spent hours scouring the internet for the perfect place to go and things to do and finally found a hotel in Minneapolis that had a waterpark and an ice skating rink in it and it just so happened to only be a mile away from the Target center where Disney on Ice was performing that very weekend. What could have been better, so we bought our tickets for the show, packed up the kids and away we went. The hotel was very nice, all the amenities you could want and the kids were starting to cheer up. They had a blast walking around downtown amidst the tall buildings and Maddy kept saying how tiny she felt next to them. Donny took them to the water park all Saturday morning and after a pizza for lunch we went to the hotels ice rink to go skating. Now the kids are absolute naturals and love to ice skate, I used to skate all the time when I was a kid so I thought hey, no problem. I hate to say it but skating is a use it or lose it type thing - nothing like the riding the bicycle theory were once you learn it you always know how to do it. I couldn't skate, I also couldn't keep my feet from cramping just from trying to stand up. I think I can honestly say that ice skating has got to be one of the most painful things a person could willingly do to themselves for the sake of some derranged sort of entertainment. Muscles I didn't know I even had started to rebell from the strain of just trying to stand up on my new white skates I had so proudly purchased this winter with visions of me gliding gracefully over the ice with my perfectly balanced children flanking my sides. Only in my dreams. It was more like me desperately clinging to the sides of the ice rink as I tried to keep my body up and my feet down. After about an hour of this pathetic display I decided to bite the bullet and let go of the edge, sort of like the bird being forced to learn how to fly by being pushed out of the nest. I lasted a whole 20 feet before I went crashing, knees first into the ice. All I could see where stars- and not the pretty kind either. I managed to drag myself to the edge and somehow stood up all though I could feel my knee caps popping out of place, and pulled myself along to the benches. All I could think is how stupid I was for blowing my knees out half way through the kids fun weekend. I decided I wasn't going to wreck all the fun,so I assessed the damage, decided that the bruises already appearing weren't going to get any better with me just sitting there so stupid me went back out on the ice. I didn't get but 15 feet out on the ice when Maddy came barrelling into me and down we both went. Thank God this time I landed on my overly padded side and nothing was bruised but my ego. Donny skated over and hauled me up. I stepped back to brush my self off,pick Maddy up, and Donny took a step back and wham, straight back he went. It was just like a board dropped as he fell flat and hit his head hard on the ice. I went to help him up and he just laid there. At first I thought that he was playing a trick on me but when I asked him to get up and his speach was all garbled when he answered I started to panic alittle. A few men came over and tried to help him up but he just laid there,after a few more minutes he finally rolled over and let them help him up and take him to the benches. His head was red but no knob, this worried me, and I wanted to take him to the clinic but he refused, said he was fine and after a few minutes he got up and went back to skating. I checked his pupils to make sure they dilated and kept him up late that night to make sure he didn't have a concussion and he just kept insisting that he was OK. We took the kids to the ice show and they had a blast. Sunday morning he said he had a bit of an upset stomach and a headache but took the kids to the water park one last time before we had to pack up and head out. We left Sunday around noon and headed back to Fargo to have dinner with my Grandma and to pick up his car. His stomach was really bothering him by the time we got to Fargo and he was very sensitive to light. He made the comment that he couldn't smell or taste anything and I told him he needed to see a dr. He finally agreed and went to the ER Sunday afternoon. Scans showed he had swelling of the brain and a blood clot that was putting pressure on his brain causing the blinding pain and nausea. A neurosurgeon was called in and we waited and waited for them to decide if he needed brain surgery to remove the clot. Thank god the answer to that was no but the bad news is that Donny has probably forever lost the ability to smell or taste. He can't drive right now and has been in horrible pain all week. The worst part is that poor Maddy thinks this is all her fault because she was the one who wanted to go ice skating and if she hadn't have been so sad mom and dad wouldn't have taken her skating to try to cheer her up. All we wanted to do was make the kids feel better, get them away from all the crap for awhile and it all just blows up in our face. We just can't win. The only upside is that Donny has spring break this week so he hasn't missed any school yet. Lets pray that everything returns to normal and he doesn't end up with permanent damage. I tell you what, my kids will never ice skate again without wearing helmets, I don't care how uncool it may be!

I thank God that things aren't worse because believe me they can be, but I would just like some time to catch my breathe between the little catastrophes that plague my family.

Please say a little prayer for us and please continue to keep our precious Maddy in your prayers. Send us srength so that we may get our kids through these little rough patches that they will have in thier lives without us ending up in traction!

God Bless you all and good night.

Thursday, March 2, 2006 10:27 PM CST

I know it hasn't been 2 or 3 or 4 weeks since my last update and nothing new or exciting has really happened but since I go to bed and journal in my mind everynight as I wait for exhaustion to finally overcome me and drag me off to blissless sleep, I decided to just sit here and journal tonight instead. I know this means I won't get to sleep until late and tomorrow promises to be a busy day, but sometimes I just feel the need to write, or type, whatever.

Like I said, nothing new, the kids are fine, Donny is away at a marketing competition. He had won the state competition through school and is at regionals now. He called this a.m. to tell me he made it into the finals and if he wins could go to the national competition in Houston,TX. What does this all mean in the scheme of things? I'm not sure other than it looks good on a resume and Donny needs the confidence boost so Way to go Donny!

Donovan had a program at school tonight and during one of the songs the music teacher had a power point running and she had put Maddy's picture up with a little girl who is also in remission from cancer and the amount of time they were in remission for. She also put up all the kids pictures in thier grades and their class year. It was very odd to see THE CLASS OF 2018 up on the schools gymnasium wall and Maddy's picture under it. That is something I had never thought of before. She will be in the class of 2018, my Maddy. Now Donovan will be in the class of 2017 and that has never been in doubt that he will graduate, but to see her up there with all the kids and the year above her head, I thought to myself now there is optimism. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I don't believe she is going to stay in remission, but there is always a void in my mind when it comes to the future. I don't think anyone really has a clear cut vision of thier life or their childs life, or maybe most parents do and I just have never had the luxery of knowing that in my life, but when I look into the future for us it has always been very hazy. The class of 2018, my mind just can't quite wrap itself around that yet, it did bring tears to my eyes though and of course I never have a tissue handy when I need one. :)
Donovan did really well and even said his line right. How different it is for him now. I was thinking about his first school program tonight as I watched him stand and fidget in the front row along with all the other squirmy kids tonight, and I was thinking I couldn't have been sitting in the front row 2 years ago because he would have been out of control if he could have seen me. The way it was then he couldn't maintain himself on the bleachers with the other kids and had to have a teacher with him. He would mess with his clothes, lay down on the bleachers, refuse to stand up and sing, just generally miserable and making everyone around him miserable. How tough it was for him. He couldn't deal with all the stress of Maddy having cancer and he just had no idea how to express his feelings or even identify what they were. He has come such along way. I can never stress enough the importance of counseling for the siblings of kids with cancer or any life disrupting disease or illness. I know that part of his improvement is due to maturing alittle, Maddy being 2 years out of treatment, but alot of it has to do with his regular therapy sessions. Tonight he was just a regular kid, just like all the rest of them, not a brother struggling to deal with life and illness and all the other crap in our lives, but a kid who has a bad day here and there just like all the other kids standing up there squirming. I felt a sense of relief tonight, I could finally relax and enjoy the program and not watch it in anxious anticipation of my son doing something he shouldn't. I'm proud of him. Nights like tonight give me affirmation that things really are changing for the better and that someday the nightmare of cancer will all be behind us. And to think I almost didn't take him because my stomach problem from last weekend showed up again today and I didn't trust my immodium to last the entire duration of the program, but it did, and it is all good.

Well I must go and try and get some sleep now. Maddy and I layed down this afternoon for a "quick" nap and ended up sleeping for almost 4 hours so I was really surprised she went to bed at 9 and went right to sleep. She has been complaining of being very tired lately so am glad she got a good nap in today. I needed it too! :)

Happy Birthday to my mom who's birthday was yesterday-WE LOVE YOU MOM/GRANDMA!

God Bless you all and Good Night!

Sunday, February 26, 2006 9:48 AM CST

Good Morning everyone! It is a beautiful winter day out today. The sun is shinning brightly and the sky is clear and ever so blue. The clear skies mean it is about -10 below zero, but you forget about that when you look at the glistening,fluffy snow hanging off the dark green bows of the evergreen trees. I won't get to see much of today I don't think as the window in my bathroom is very small and I have a touch of the stomach flu today. What? Too much information you say?!?!? :) Maddy and Donovan both threw up the other night and so it doesn't surprise me that I don't feel well. Donny never feels good so he doesn't count on this!

We had a storm here on Friday and all the schools closed so we all got a free day. Snow days are the best days ever. Your entire days schedule gets wiped clean all because you can't get out your front, back, or side door. You can do what ever it is you want. Well, within reason that is, remember there are still kids in the house so you may not want to run around naked! I prefer to spend my free days catching up on laundry, napping and reading.(You know those 14 loads of laundry I mentioned before? Well they must have been getting alittle too cozy downstairs there all piled up together, because by golly, they sure did multiply!) I think I fixed that problem as now the laundry is all spread out accross the basement floor! I have put quite a big dent in it and will try to do some more today if my stomach allows. I also managed to get the kids rooms totally cleaned. That right there is a monumental feat in and of itself. It takes half a day just to move the toys and stuffies out so you can clean under them! I managed to look through a few magazines and snooze alittle and that felt so good. Well it would have felt a bit better if I could have napped without 2 kids fighting over who got to lay where by mom, so then they decided to lay on top of mom and then when WWF broke out over my hip the nap was over. I never wonder why I have so many bruises all the time, or why my hair is getting thinner by the day. The kids decided since the nap didn't work out that maybe I needed a make over. Have you ever had 2 kids fighting over your head, using barrets and picks as weapons against each other, which of course just ended up stabbed into my skull, and then to have it end with a tug of war with a lock of hair mangled beyond salvation in a twisty ponytail holder? I know you are all just sitting there at home going,"And she can't figure out why she has so many migraines?!?" It would seem like a no brainer there huh? :) I did eventually remove the hopelessly entagled twisty ponytail along with about 8 dozen hair clips, scrunchies and barrets, thank God Donny didn't find the camera. I felt like I needed to ice my head after my,"Nice and relaxing makeover." as Maddy described it. Gotta love them.

Well other than that every one here has been fine and life is plugging along. Everyone I know seems to have a loved one in the hospital not doing well and the suffering just never seems to end. When it rains it pours and around here I think everyones umbrella is about wore out. My heart hurts for so many.

Maddy's kindergarten teacher came up with a wonderful idea of having a mini Relay For Life with Maddy's class and the school to teach the kids what the Relay is all about and to raise money for Maddy's Relay team through a silent auction. I think the kids are going to love it and I am so glad that she wanted to do this for Maddy and the kids. It is so important for them to understand what the Relay is about and to get them started young with participating in events like the Relay which is trying to make a difference and find a cure for our kids and loved ones with cancer. Maddy wants to tell them what it was like for her to have gone through all the surgeries, hospital stays, and the fear of being so sick. It will be the first time she has gotten to tell the kids she goes to school with what it is like to be so young and to have cancer. I think it will be a healing thing for all of us. Some kids don't understand that she was sick and tease her for being so little, maybe this will help them understand why. Most of all Maddy wants to tell the kids that getting cancer doesn't mean that you will die or be sick forever, she wants them to know that people survive cancer. She is such an inspiration. She inspires me everyday to get up and keep moving even when the pain in my body and the pain in my soul want me to just curl up and quit trying. Who could be anything but in awe of her as she has endured so much and yet kept such a good attitude and strong faith? She has such a love for everyone and is so genuine. I pray to God she never looses that quality about her.

It brings me back to her in the beginning of her treatment in 2003. I will never forget her golden curls hanging around her angelic face, eyes so round and so blue you could swear you could dive into them, her sucky in her mouth, the image of a baby and yet the words that she spoke where of no babe, but a chid aged beyond her 3 years as she lay in her hospital bed and asked me questions about her cancer. What was it, what where the dr.s going to do, was it going to hurt, was she going to die, could she go home now, she didn't want to have cancer anymore. Fast forward a few months to a beautiful fall day as I walk with Maddy over to her great grandmas house for a break from her chemo. Her curls are gone now, all but a few straggly hairs still stubbornly hold on to her nearly bald head, her eyes are grey and tired looking, no longer the bright blue seas of a few months ago. The sucky is gone now too because the feeding tube made it to difficult to suck on, but the questions remained. "Do you cry momma because you think I'm going to die? I'm not going to die you know momma, so you don't need to cry anymore. I just know this and I don't want you to worry." She is so insightful and always so much more concerned with those around her than with her self. What a gift she is. A gift I get every morning that I wake up and every night that I kiss her sleeping cheek and pray her sweet dreams.

Well my stomach is telling me it is time to go again so I will leave you now. Please continue to keep Maddy in your prayers for continued good health. Thank you all and God Bless!

Monday, January 30, 2006 9:58 AM CST

Due to my vast knowledge of all things computer and the speed at which I can identify a problem and solve it in the blink of an eye-(Are you laughing yet?!?!)- I am now back into cyber world on my newly crashed and restored computer. I wonder what the divorce rate is for marriage failure due to computer problems? I would guess that statistic is probably increasing steadily.'Cuz you know in my husbands world if my computer doesn't work it's because I maliciously broke, not that the computer could have a virus or the computer itself might be dysfunctioning, nope, it's my fault. I must have gone to a website that I knew had a computer leathal worm and hung around it until my hard drive was completely infected, because you know I have nothing better to do with my free time and I really didn't want to get to use my computer for a month anyway. If you ask me I thought my computer was working fine until my husband started to "fix" it for me, but we won't go there, I don't want to become a statistic!

Well since I am obviously brain damaged as I can't keep my computer functioning then it won't suprise you when I say that Maddy's birthday party with her 22 guest-all under the age of 8!-was a great success. Yes I did say 22 kids. You know those moms that just can't say no? Yoou know the kind who's phylosophy is," Sure, what's one more kid really? It'll be fun!" Well, unfortunately, I am one of those moms. So for Maddy's birthday we took her entire kindergarten class along with a few siblings, cousins, and tag alongs sledding and then out for pizza and cupcake decorating. The kids had a blast and it went really well. I couldn't believe it. We only had one kid who had a few meltdowns and can you believe it wasn't one of mine!!!! That totally made the whole day worth it!!! It really worked out well and I am just thanking my lucky stars that I was able to talk Maddy out of a Chuck E. Cheese birthday this year. I'm sorry but that would have required a bank loan to do and probably a short stay in a small,padded room! This is just such a bad time of year with the colds and flu's going around and places like Chuck E. Cheese are a germaphobic mothers worst nightmare! I don't think I could have carried enough purell and disinfecting wipes with me to keep up with that many kids. They had so much more fun sledding anyway, getting fresh air and exercise, wearing themselves out completely so they were all to tired to be rowdy at the pizza place, and crashing as soon as they got home from all the excitement so mom had an early night to herself, I'm not so dumb afterall. Well all execpt for the fact that I planned all this despite the fact that I have been battling a migraine since the middle of December, so do I lose a few points of brilliance there for that or get nominated for saint hood?!?! The jury is still out on that one.
The migraine coupled with a very severe sinus infection, finally drove me back into the dr.s office last week to have 6 injections of lidocaine in the base of my skull in a desperate attempt to have some peace from the nonrelenting pain that was ripping my head apart on a daily and nightly basis. The shots did work, for an hour, but it was a good hour. It was long enough to get some new meds going in my system and break up the pain cycle I was in. I felt good for a few days, yesterday morning I had a migraine again but was able to beat it down by late afternoon and today I am holding my own so we are making progress.
Everyone else has been doing fairly well and have managed to avoid the stomach flu that is going around thus far. I know by making that statement now that I have jinxed myself but hopefully-(knock on wood)- we will miss it completely. Maddy was sick in December but that has been her only real illness this year so far. Last year she had a horrible time with colds and then influenza for 2 whole months in the spring. I pray we don't repeat that again this year. Donovan hasn't been sick yet so lets keep our fingers crossed.

Donny will be graduating in May and then we must decide what to do. He is looking for jobs in Wisconsin again and I just don't know what I want. All of you wonderful people that live in WI and follow Maddy through her journey if you would like to e-mail me and give me some advice as to what are good areas to move to, where there are good jobs, schools and hospitals, I would very much appreciate it!

Now to tell you about Cora. Cora is 5 years old and on New Years eve underwent major brain surgery to remove a large cancerous tumor. She is finally out of her coma but not communicating yet and still needing a trach and a feeding tube. We are all praying very hard for her and ask you all to do the same. Cora lives but a few miles from us and is someone we know from sunday school. She is a shy little girl with a bright smile and beautiful eyes, if you would like to leave her family a message of hope and support than you can go to www.caringbridge.org/visit/coraknudsvig. Thank you.

The kids are keeping us hopping, and dancing, and swimming and I swear have much more of a social life than we do! Maddy is still in ballet, they both are in swimming class now and Donovan has tiger cub scouts and I am still the leader of Maddy's Daisy girl scout troop. Donny has been helping me teach Maddy's kindergarten class at Sunday school and it never seems to slow down any. But that is all good. I am glad we can do all these things. Life is all about opportunities and how well your life is depends on how many you take advantage of. Like the opportunity we have to move on after Donny gets out of college. I have never lived but in a 60 mile radious of where I grew up, I have never gone out and experienced life outside of North Dakota and I think maybe I need to, my kids do to. Donny will need to work here for awhile so we can save some money for moving costs, but change for us is inevitable. I have been viewing it as a bad thing, something to be feared as it involves drastic change, but how do I know that change won't be good, or great, or even awesome?! I won't find out until I do it I guess. So I guess we are gearing up for another one of Don and Holly's great adventures! -(It will actually be a very slow process so don't expect a change of address notice on the site anytime real soon!)- But since I have so many issues I will need to start preparing myself for it now!

The weather here has been so unreal. It is the 2nd warmest winter on record for North Dakota, in January we typically never see the temp go above 0 and this year it hasn't dipped below it yet! It is between 28 and 40 degrees out everyday, we are having rain instead of snow! It is so bizarre, it is like spring everyday except for that it is constantly cloudy. I don't know about you but I believe in global warming. My dogs aren't complaining non about it though and neither are the cats! We haven't had hardly any storms but the roads are glare ice and a b#@$! to drive on. The cool, damp is hell for people with fibrmialgia. Oh well, I can deal with that as long as the migraines stay away.

Well I must go and tend to the 14 or 15 loads of laundry waiting for me downstairs. The great thing about laundry is how patient it is, you can blow it off for a week or even 2 or 3 and it just sits there and waits for you, ever so patiently, to finally run out of clean underwear so you are forced to acknowledge it and do something with it. I am also coming to realize just how many we outfits we have as everyday goes by and noone has run out of clean clothes yet to wear! God Bless you all and thank you for continueing to support Maddy through her journey through remission and towards cure!!!!

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