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Thank you so much for inviting me to read your journal entries. You are such a role model for me because I am walking where you once walked. I identify with some of your entries. God bless you and the love you shared with Chad and the children you both created and the new love you have found. See you on the DSCRT forum.

Becky Clark
Becky Clark <randybeckyclark@yahoo.com>
SC USA - Tuesday, January 20, 2009 6:35 PM CST

WOW!!!! I'm sooo touched by reading all the loving and caring thoughts and prayers sent by everyone! It's good to see all the love sent to you two! Thanks to all the people below me that wrote and all the others that will write in the future!
Chris Martinson <Martytwothree@yahoo.com>
Fergus Falls, Mn Otttertail - Monday, November 3, 2008 8:48 PM CST

Just wanted to let you know that I am praying for you & your family and remembering my son, Chase, who is now in Heaven with Chad.
God bless.
DeAnna and Chase www.caringbridge.org/ga/chasesmiarcel/
GA USA - Friday, December 28, 2007 6:07 PM CST

Stopping to say HI and, I Love you...MOM H
mom h <lkhanson@lakesplus.com>
- Wednesday, December 20, 2006 8:18 PM CST

With memories of the last "deer hunt" for Chad,I am in awe of the Lord's ways, and the physical strength he gave Chad. His "meeting" of old friends and renewal of memories was a heavenly blessing. Memories bring constant reminders of Chad's love, strength and mostly endless faith. Hugs...mom H
mom h <lkhanson@lakesplus.com>
- Wednesday, November 8, 2006 9:20 PM CST

signing in, again with love and hugs. Your new life is full of love and promises of "forever". Dan "is" heaven sent, and our prayers have been answered. Love, mom H
mom h <lkhanson@lakesplus.com>
- Sunday, September 17, 2006 10:14 PM CDT

Signing in...sending hugs. Love mom h
mom h <lkhanson@lakesplus.com>
- Saturday, July 22, 2006 10:48 AM CDT

Ann and children are in our prayers. I know God has blessed them with a loving guardian angel, may they feel his love every day. Love, mom h
mom h <lkhanson@lakesplus.com>
- Wednesday, July 12, 2006 9:51 PM CDT

This is Jen,

I am asking for a special prayer to be sent out to the Bardwell family. Alan(one of Chad's best friend's) past away this last week. I know they are both in heaven now watching football and eating frozen pizza. He leaves behind 2 young children and his wife. A special prayer for their peace and acceptance would be greatful.

Thank you all,
Jennifer Martinson <marty@paulbunyan.net>
Bemidji, MN United States - Friday, June 16, 2006 9:32 AM CDT

Hoping that you and your family are being blessed by love, shared memories, peace, and contentment. I never knew him, but from the things that I have read on his web site, I feel sure that Chad would have very much desired happiness for each of you. I do, too.
Betty
Ringgold, GA USA - Sunday, May 7, 2006 0:09 AM CDT

I just ran across this webpage by accident. I am an old friend of Chad's (from high school). I had no idea he was gone. I have a lot of nice memories that include him. My sympathy to his family.
Kristi (Carpenter) Paulson <kristipaulson@yahoo.com>
Moorhead, MN USA - Wednesday, April 19, 2006 3:37 PM CDT

Just came home from benefit for another family member. The evening brought memories & admiration for the strength you and Chad shared. God works in many ways, and I pray Rhonda & Richard, too, may feel his love and share the strength. God Bless ... mom H
mom h <lkhanson@lakesplus.com>
- Thursday, March 30, 2006 9:33 PM CST

Signing in...gone, but not forgotten..Love Mom H
mom n <lkhanson@lakesplus.com>
- Friday, February 3, 2006 5:17 PM CST

Just signing in...remembering & loving. Love, mom H
mom h <lkhanson@lakesplus.com>
- Tuesday, January 24, 2006 9:45 PM CST

Hoping that life for you and your family is good. I know that you will always be warmed by the memory of the love that Chad brought into your lives and because of that love I feel sure that he would wish for you only continued happiness and growth. Best wishes to all of you.
Betty
ringgold, GA USA - Thursday, December 29, 2005 3:50 AM CST

Ahh, 'tis the season for remembering...To all of you reading this, please do not just move on without signing the guestbook. It may be your last opportunity to leave a "forever message" for Jenn, Tate & Kiah. This journal will be printed and put away for Tate & Kiah to read in the future. Some the stories they may read or hear during their lives can always be traced back to your good wishes left here. God Bless you all in this reason for the season...remember Jesus's birthday...his love for us. MOM H
mom H <lkhanson@lakesplus.com>
- Saturday, December 3, 2005 1:34 PM CST

to Paul McRobert & family: I will remember you in my prayers. I pray through Chad's site you have found some useful information and support. As we all searched for answers, so will you. Above all, pool your support with Mark's strength. It will be a strength that you cannot fathom nor understand...just know it is a blessing from our Lord to you. God be with you all. Mom H.
mom h <lkhanson@lakesplus.com>
- Saturday, December 3, 2005 1:26 PM CST

My nephew of 19 has been diagnosed with DSRCT in Early November of this year (2005). the Doctor has told us that the disease has spread far too much to even think of operating and is trying to reduce the tumor/s with Chemotherapy. My nephew is being so brave but must be scared out of his wits. he is also, understandably, havings moments of real anger at why he should be picked out for this insidious disease. I am trying to find as much information as possible on the disease and it's management. I would also like to put Mark McRobert (my nephew) and his parents in touch with any survivors. Please, if you can offer any support or counsel, I would love to pass it on to Mark and his family.
Paul McRobert <pmcrobert@peglerpersonnel.com.au & pmcrobert@hotmail.com>
Mount Gambier, South Australia Australia - Thursday, November 24, 2005 7:08 PM CST

One last memory: last weekend as Lon & I helped Jenn sort through household items, Jenn found 2 items in her "memory corner". A top cupboard so named because it held video tapes of Chad. It held 2 items that brought all of us to tearfilled hugs: the 1st ring Chad ever bought Jenn. It was a tarnished souvineer ring that she hadn't seen for many years...thinking it lost. The 2nd item was a DVD tape with a hard to read title...so of course, Jenn played it. It turns out the title was Chesney & it contained 17 of his songs: songs of forever love, songs of what "if", songs of lost love, and a song that told us upon "crossing over" there were saints by the river. Faith!
Some day, Tate & Kiah, you will read about your daddy's love, self driven motivation, strength, his faith. You will feel his presence if let yourselves. Angels are not made-up...they live in our hearts, yes...but they walk with us, too.
The CB has been a strength and shelter for your mother. Read her words of love & cherish the memories shared. Your daddy loved you very much.
God's peace to all of you who have shared...and even greater peace to those who maintain their own pages. God loves all of you. mom H
mom h <lkhanson@lakesplus.com>
- Wednesday, September 21, 2005 10:22 PM CDT

Dear Jen, Tate and Kiah--
I am having a tough time trying to describe how much love and care I feel towards each of you. I can't imagine my life without our friendship. My heart breaks each time I think of losing Chad but I cannot begin to think how horrible it has been for you to lose a husband and a father this way.
Jen, you have been an inspiration to me. You give the word strength new meaning to me.
Tate, I hope you grow to become the man your father was. Caring, loving, patient and kind. I know with him in your heart this will be easy for you.
Kiah, although you were quite young when your father passed I know with friends and family you will have no trouble seeing how much he loved you. I know he would be proud of how you have grown into a beautiful young lady.
There is a sense of melancholy I feel as this website ends but whenever one door in life closes, another opens.
Dan, I know it is not your intention to attempt to fill Chad's shoes but I am glad you are a part of this wonderful family. Jen has been through so much and it's nice to know you are there to help her start a new chapter in her life. I hope you come to know that you are welcomed with open arms into our circle of friends and I wish you happiness as you join Jen in raising Tate and Kiah.
I am privileged to be a friend to both Jen & Dan and an "aunt" to Kiah & Tate. There is a special spot in my heart for you all. Please remember that although this website is closing that we are still connected by spirit always. Please keep in touch as your new life begins.
Love,
Pam
Pam Magnuson <jpmagnuson@charter.net>
Fergus Falls, MN USA - Sunday, September 18, 2005 2:16 PM CDT

Congratulations to all of you! We wish you all well as a new family life begins. However we will miss the site and the postings, but are glad you all may now move on.
Brian & Jonell Owen <bnjowen@charter.net>
Fergus Falls, MN USA - Sunday, September 18, 2005 10:55 AM CDT

Jen, What can I say that the others haven't already said. I wish all of you the best as you start a new chapter in your lives together.

Best Wishes,
Linda Spindler <slbspin@paulbunyan.net>
- Monday, September 12, 2005 10:07 AM CDT

Dear Jen, Tate, Kiah, and Dan. I write this with mixed emotions. Your lives are headed in a new direction, and I am happy for you all. But part of me is sad that this chapter is ending. May G-d Bless and keep all of you. Don't worry, I won't forget Chad. Jen, please keep in touch with us via Greg's site. Love, Beth
Beth Orgel
- Wednesday, August 31, 2005 1:47 PM CDT

Jen -

My prayer for you is a long life safe in God's arms, and a joyous childhood for your babies. May you and Dan know true love and peace, and thank God each day for the blessings He will give you. Tate and Kiah, may you respect Dan and give him a place in your hearts, knowing your own dad would want you to have a loving man to help raise you to adulthood and beyond.

God bless you with much love and happiness.

Carol Shegrud <shegdude@gvtel.com>
Bagley, MN USA - Wednesday, August 31, 2005 7:00 AM CDT

Jen...I wish you the best! I have been looking at the site since I have moved. In case you don't remember, we worked together. Good luck to you and have a wonderful life, Chad would want this!!! I'm so happy for you!!!
Shannon <bailey4evr2002@yahoo.com>
grimes, IA US - Tuesday, August 30, 2005 1:12 PM CDT

Good job Jen love you much grandma and grandpa H.
LeVonne Hqnson <arlev@prtel.com>
Dalton,, Mn. U.S.A. - Saturday, August 27, 2005 12:09 AM CDT

Jen, Tate & Kiah - I am so happy that life is moving on in such happy directions for you guys. I know the last few years have been very difficult and filled with many times of sorrow. However, with love and time, life can and does move on. I continue to be proud of all of you for how well you have dealt with everything and made a new life for yourselves. I imagine that Chad is proud as well. Thank you all for signing the big b-day card for me, I appreciate the thoughts and well-wishes that you and the rest of the family sent my way. Love to all of you and I hope to see you all next year, can't wait to meet Dan and thank him in person for the happiness he has brought into your lives.

Love to all of you,
Steph
Stephanie Wilcox <greytigrrr@comcast.net>
Springfield, OR - Friday, August 19, 2005 7:02 PM CDT

Well, Jen, congratulations to all of you. This is an exciting time in your lives. We both wish you and Dan all the best and, especially good wishes, to all of you as you begin your new family with Tate and Kiah. You all are still in our thoughts and prayers.
Jo and Roger <pederson@lakesplus.com>
- Thursday, August 18, 2005 8:16 PM CDT

I've been checking & find no updates. Your life is feeling more fulfilled and your future is moving toward "happiness forever". For all who read this, life does move on. If you have an hour (or 2), scan some of the history of Chad's life and life everafter. He does live on in our hearts, Jenn's words, our memories, and the faces of Tate & Kiah. He not only showed us how to live...really live, our lives, but the importance of acceptance. Acceptance comes with faith. Faith in our Lord, in a tomorrow, and faith that we do not walk alone...even when we think are. Blessings to all of you who have shared words of strenth for Jenn. Love mom h
mom h <lkhanson@lakesplus.com>
- Monday, August 15, 2005 9:09 PM CDT

When it comes thinking alike, you often startle me! I rcv'd the same "mom" story - prompting me to the CB w/words I've searched for. "Hesitation" is something moms do well, as I know...but pennies have been seeking me out! They remind me Chad asked you to love again. God works in mysterious ways & our guiding angels do too. There is a force that has helped you not to be a bitter, single mom, afraid to love again or afraid to lose love again. I thank God every day for your faith & strength. May his angels continue to walk with you. Love, mom h
mom h <lkhanson@lakesplus.com>
- Tuesday, July 19, 2005 10:56 PM CDT

Hi, Jen. Dan looks so friendly and nice...and Tate sure seems to be enjoying that fish catch! How wonderful that Dan is involved with the kids and doing things with them. God bless you all.

Carol Shegrud <shegdude@gvtel.com>
Bagley, MN - Monday, July 18, 2005 9:38 AM CDT

My first message didn't go through - so must write again. I am so happy you are finding your way. I remember all the questions and concerns about Roger when the girls and I found him. I just asked for guidance and HE showed me the right way. Chad will always be in your heart and the children's hearts. We are thankful for the people who are concerned for you and the kids... but in the end only you can know you are doing the right thing and as I have said before, HE will show you the way. We wish you the best and are thinking of you.
Jo and Roger
- Monday, July 4, 2005 9:19 PM CDT

I forgot to ask you - why don't you put a picture of Dan on the page? Maybe one -oh let's say - on a merry-go-round????????
Jo
- Monday, July 4, 2005 9:10 PM CDT

Dear Jen. So glad to see that you are finally ready to aknowledge your new relationship. I'm sure that it's been strange at times, keeping it under wraps. My best wishes to you, Dan, and the kids, as you start this new chapter in your lives. I'm certain that Chad, and all others that truly care for you, approve. Don't worry abut anyone else.
Beth <bkorgel@bex.net>
Toledo, OH - Monday, July 4, 2005 8:18 AM CDT

Happiness comes from your heart. Follow your heart and things will be good. You are a beautiful person with two precious angels. I wish you all the happiness in the world. I haven't forgotten you, just don't have access all the time. You look awesome. Take care of yourself and your kids. You are on my mind and in my prayers. I know that you will continue to keep the faith. May happiness be yours, Jen. It is time to move forward and it will be good.
Paula <mpolson@loretel.net>
Frazee, - Saturday, July 2, 2005 3:30 AM CDT

Hi Jen This feels weird writing to you since we dont even know each other. My kids rode their sleds in the benifet last year. Thats how I found your site. And I've been following it ever since. So I sort of feel like I know you.
Congratulations on your life moving forward. It sounds like you are very happy. You are doing the right thing. Your children will be very proud of you when they get older.
God only gives us what we can handle. And you four have handled it great.
Take care
Thanks for letting me get to know you through this site
debbie <madecoll@aol.com>
oak grove, mn usa - Friday, July 1, 2005 10:47 AM CDT

Jen - What a delight that you have found someone to love and be loved by, that also is drawn to the kids. It took me a little by surprise since nothing had been written earlier on the site that I noticed, but it's great.

Does he have children too?

When you say that people have been worried, is it because they are concerned about rebound? Maybe the concern is that you're moving in together and there might not be protection for you. I'm sure you know that the people who voice their opinions are absolutely in your corner, and are saying/doing what they feel they need to in order to be good friends to you and the kids. You have unburdened your life before a lot of people through your ordeal, and that kind of makes people think they are invested in what happens to you. Love them even if you think their concerns are "over the top".

The one that I would listen to is your mom. She is the person who knows you the best and will tell you the truth. Mom's blessing is the most important one.

I'm happy that your life is moving in a positive way, and that you are experiencing joy again.

Hope the rest of your summer is beautiful!

Carol Shegrud <shegdude@gvtel.com>
Bagley, MN - Friday, July 1, 2005 7:50 AM CDT

Hi, Jen.

I got a phone call that turned my world upside down. My sister was found dead in her apartment in California. She was my only sibling. I went out there to close down her apartment, wrap up her life. While I was there I was strong, I was in charge, I was industrious. When I got back home I fell apart. It's been 3 weeks and I feel weird...like my world is different and I don't belong to it in the same way. I look at everything from a distance. Going through the pictures, the memories, the one person who knew me since I was born.

I know it's nothing like losing your spouse, but I thought of you because of all those journal entries that spoke about how memories would flood over you, and then you'd be okay, and then wham.....another setback.

Death is a weird thing. When someone dies you can't relate to them back and forth anymore. There are no more chances to talk, to embrace, to share. It's like being the only one on the phone. And then you remember the times wasted, the things you could have said/done, the lost opportunities. You also realize that life is short, no guarantees. You understand in a new way that people (who are "too young") can leave.

I look around at my family and find that I want to focus on my children, my friends, my loved ones, even more than before. I feel an intensity in being more "real", more involved, more focused.

Time can't be taken for granted.

Thanks for all your lessons in the grieving process. When your balloon pops is comforting to know someone else understands.

Your friend,

Carol

P.S. Grandbaby #4 since last November arrived June 12th, a beautiful baby girl for my second daughter. What a joy to see the family flourish and grow.
Carol Shegrud <shegdude@gvtel.com>
Bagley, MN - Friday, June 24, 2005 6:52 AM CDT

Last week I had a pt @ office talk of her 3 1/2-yr battle & the new chemo she's started. She's never had remission, & they've told her she will not win the battle...giving her 4yrs. But, she will not give up she said! My mind was flooded with memories & the tears welled. We shared just a little info & I told her I would pray for her/I am. Anyway the whole thing made me remember the strength you & Chad shared. Something nobody can truely understand unless they've gone thru it...even me, I was a spectator. Again, I love you very much, & thank Chad for for memories left behind. Love, mom
mom h <lkhanson@lakesplus.com>
- Sunday, June 5, 2005 10:49 PM CDT

Just wanted to say hello my friend! I hope the coming spring brings you some beautiful days!

Katherine
t(Brad'spage)!
K Gasque <kgasque@comcast.net>
Lawrenceville, GA - Sunday, May 29, 2005 4:30 AM CDT

I'm back "on" and loving the chance to read CB. You have a way of writing, that makes me feel like I'm eaves-dropping on a conversation between you & Chad. There is a connection I feel...more than the words I read. You are not alone. God loves you and so do I & many others. Love you. MOM H
mom H <lkhanson@lakesplus.com>
- Thursday, May 26, 2005 8:54 PM CDT

Hello again, Jen. I haven't written for awhile but I still have thought about you and the kids.

I hope your summer is full of small joys and big plans...and that you wrap your heart around those babies and make memories for them.

Coasting can be good, and when those times come of your battery being low it's sure okay (and probably necessary) to take a deep breath and allow yourself to not be so responsible. You hold yourself together, choose to be strong, but then every once in awhile you need to feel the weakness in your knees and allow yourself that tiny luxury of not being "on top of things" all the time.

We have a new granddaughter, born to my son and his wife, on May 11th. When a baby is born you see how God works. She is so beautiful and so much promise.

The last of the four grandchildren expected from last November through June of this year is due in 4 weeks. Christmas next year will be "interesting" with a 13mo., 9mo., 7mo, and 6 month old that weren't here last year!

Have a great week, Jen. Enjoy the sunshine!

Carol Shegrud <shegdude@gvtel.com>
Bagley, MN - Tuesday, May 17, 2005 7:48 AM CDT

Jen - I'll echo the thoughts of others who have written before me - don't worry about the laundry and the dusting and such - we all have those concerns. It's more important, as you know, to spend the quality time with the kids and with yourself and with friends and with other family. Those are the moments you'll look back on years from now and smile over - not that you got the laundry done in a short period of time. You are a source of strength and inspiration to many - just keep doin' what you're doin' - the boards are there, they are just hiding for the time being. Love to you, Tate and Kiah - the pictures are great!!!
Stephanie Wilcox <greytigrrr@comcast.net>
Springfield, OR - Friday, April 29, 2005 1:42 PM CDT

Jen -- I have been a silent viewer for a long time, I am Greg Orgel's aunt and have read your site with much interest. Just wanted to pop in and say.... the MUCK wont win. Let it bog you down for as long as necessay -- as you will find the boards when you are ready. You are a very strong person, and sometimes you just need a chance to sit and think and the work will always be there -- enjoy your children, they are your joys, the rest will take cae of itself. It takes strength to admit when the world is beating you down, SOON you'll be in charge again. Take Care
Judi <JMMindock@aol.com>
Allentown, PA USA - Thursday, April 28, 2005 1:19 PM CDT

Jen - sounds like you are going through yet another "stage" of the grieving process. (Aren't you sick of hearing that??? "grieving process") Seriously -remember that you are here for a purpose -whether it be for yourself or your kids or someone else or something else. The wash will wait and the dust won't move unless written in!!!! Remember - you are still in our thoughts and especially, prayers for healing. Take care and hang in there!
Jo
- Tuesday, April 26, 2005 5:42 PM CDT

HEY, HANG IN THERE--YOUR ENERGY WILL COME BACK---GIVE YOURSELF SOME TIME. WE ALL GET INTO THAT MODE ONCE IN AWHILE.AND SOME OF US DON'T HAVE AN EXCUSE. DAYS WILL GET WARMER AND THERE WILL BE OTHER THINGS MORE IMPORTANT. KIDS.ETC.A LITTLE NEWS CHAD GOT TRANSFERED TO FARGO. HOW ABOUT THAT. AND CATS ARE VISITING US/ THOUGHT LOST ONE BUT HE WAS HIDING.WE REALLY LOOKED FOR NILES AND FOUND HIM UNDER THE DAVENPORT IN BASEMENT. WE LOOKED THE HOUSE 3-4 TIMES AND EVEN WALKED THE NEIGHBORHOOD THINKING HE SNUCK OUT WHEN I GOT THE MAIL. AND THOUGHT I WATCHED. TURNED OUT OK. HAVE BETTER DAYS. GOD BLESS---LAURICE
LAURICE SWENSON
FERGUS FALLS , MN USA - Monday, April 25, 2005 9:57 PM CDT

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR JENNIFER, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!
Have a wondeful birthday!

Linda
Linda <slbspin@paulbunyan.net>
- Friday, April 15, 2005 10:33 AM CDT

Happy Birthday Jen.

The girls, Vicki and I had a great time last weekend at the hotel with you guys. We will be camping up in the Bemidji area this summer and we will have to get together.

Again happy Birthday.
Jason Tang <Jtang@istate.com>
Moorhead, MN - Friday, April 15, 2005 8:40 AM CDT

Because I always sign in, you know I haven't looked @ CB for awhile...or had computer on! Though we've been in touch, there is always something "new" on the CB & it gives insight. I'm glad for your CB connections, they surely know 1st hand what you write of. I'm hoping you have a great day and week...as you head for another BD on Friday:) Hugs to all of you. Love, mom h
mm h <lkhanson@lakesplus.com>
- Sunday, April 10, 2005 6:25 PM CDT

Dear Jen, I am flattered you chose to use some of my "rules of life" in your journal today. Yes, you and I have walked such similar paths. I do hope you find love again, and perhaps that is the difference in our ages. Your young children deserve a man in their lives, and you deserve love again, you are still young. Myself, well I was married to my wonderful Brad for 22 years, and I cannot ever imagine sharing my life with anyone else.

That being said, we do what gets us through each day. People do not need to mistake coping with lack of grieving however, there is so much pain in each day but it is pain they cannot see, nor understand.

I'm proud of you and how you are coming along, and I know there is another love in your future. It will never be the same love you had for Chad, but it will be a new kind of love for you and your wonderful kids.

"Wherever you go, go with all your heart."

Brad's site: http://www.caringbridge.org/ga/bradmoss
Katherine <kgasque@comcast.net>
Lawrenceville, GA - Friday, April 1, 2005 0:38 AM CST

Jen - just read your entry for today and again feel the need to say how proud of you I am. I know you grieve for Chad, although, you are right, I cannot possibly comprehend how you feel, but I do know you grieve. You continue to show us all how strong you are and what a good mom you are for Tate and Kiah. I am proud to call you cousin and can only hope that I have a small piece of the strength you have shown. Love to all of you - wish I could be back that way to see you all.
Stephanie Wilcox <greytigrrr@comcast.net>
Springfield, OR - Friday, April 1, 2005 0:28 AM CST

Hi Jen,
You are doing so well with everything and I just wanted to let you know how "super" you are. Being a single mom is tough work as I know you have found out, but also very rewarding. Tate and Kiah are very lucky to have you.
Stacy <stacy7946@juno.com>
- Wednesday, March 30, 2005 9:41 PM CST

Jen - Happy Easter to you, Tate and Kiah! I always love this time of year - everything coming back so fresh and new (of course, you're probably still getting some snow - we're getting lots of rain to make everything so green). Sounds like you've got a very busy week going, but I hope you have a blast at the Kenny Chesney concert!!! Lots of love to all 3 of you.
Stephanie Wilcox <greytigrrr@comcast.net>
Springfield, OR - Wednesday, March 23, 2005 7:24 PM CST

Jenn: I really like the butterfly border in the opening of the CB. They are Tate's favorite "bug" and symbolize new life. My heart holds prayers for his success w/the new learning tool(Sylvan), & a "newness" to his learning abilities. His little mind has had much to think about over the last 2yrs. You are doing just fine w/your concern & efforts to get him "caught up". Keep doing what you're doing! We love you much. Love, mom h
mom h <lkhanson@lakesplus.com>
- Friday, March 11, 2005 8:15 PM CST

Hi, Jen. Wow can't believe it's been a year since your surgery! I'm glad it worked out for you and that you are enjoying your "new self" and that medically it was good for you. I'm sure your mom was worried with everything else going on for you, but you have again shown your "mettle" and that's great!

Spring is around the corner....have a great week!

Carol Shegrud <shegdude@gvtel.com>
Bagley, MN - Tuesday, March 1, 2005 7:26 AM CST

It took not just that "extra angel" watching over you, Jenn., but it took willpower and especially a positive additude to be where you are today. I probably had the most concern (you will agree), but and @ this point, I can say, it is the best thing you ever did for yourself...besides sharing your life w/Chad:) Carry on...we love you. mm h
mom h <lkhanson@lakesplus.com>
- Thursday, February 24, 2005 10:16 PM CST

Hi Jen and kids. Glad to see you all enjoying life again. Wish I could add that "you look great" in the photos, but all bundled up I can't see your faces! My prayers remain with you, always.
Bet Orgel <bkorgel@bex.net>
Toledo, OH - Sunday, February 20, 2005 9:24 AM CST

That is great news about Michaela. God hears our prayers. Something so "routine"...to hold the child you love in your arms, is a reality check as I read your words, "they can finally hold her again". Believe me, your child is never too old to conjure up memories when you hug them...thanks for the memories:) Love you, mom h
mom h <lkhanson@lakesplus.com>
- Wednesday, February 16, 2005 9:51 PM CST

Jen....isn't it exciting about Michaela's progress?? Prayer is so wonderful.

Happy Valentine's Day to you!

Today was a happy day for my niece...her third triplet was able to come home from the hospital today! They were born Jan.13 and weighed 3-8, 3-6 and 2-15. They are all over 4 pounds now and doing well, although on monitors for sleep apnea and heart. They will be going without sleep a lot from now on!

Glad things are going well for you....hope your "lake" dissolves soon!

God bless you!

P.S. My youngest daughter and her hubby's baby is due in 17 days! The doctor thinks her baby is quite large and he is doing an ultrasound Thursday. Please pray that she can have the baby normally and that all will be well. This is her first baby.

Carol Shegrud <shegdude@gvtel.com>
Bagley, - Monday, February 14, 2005 10:24 PM CST

Jenn: That song stirs thoughts of you every time I hear it. The words carry the love that Chad left behind in his memories. Yes, you miss him...but "you will be OK". Hugs to all. Love, mom
mom h <lkhanson@lakesplus.com>
- Monday, February 7, 2005 10:05 PM CST

Jen....what a perfect song for you! It really captures that feeling of how your children receive certain things from each parent, and how to cherish them.

It also made me think of the families that I work with, that are separating by choice rather than death, and how those families only can see the ugly parts of their partners. The children can't heal because they are hearing negative things from their parents about the other parent. The parents don't heal because they are bitter and angry. And of course those families don't get much support from society either.

People carry so much pain and heartbreak and we don't see it. We all need to be more sensitive to what is happening with others around us.

I am so glad that you are feeling energized by the accomplishments of the last year, and how you are seeing that you can do what you need and want to do for yourself and for your kids. This will be so great for your children.

Have a great week, Jen!

P.S. I join with you in prayers for little Michaela. That family needs many, many prayers.

Carol Shegrud <shegdude@gvtel.com>
Bagley, MN USA - Monday, January 31, 2005 7:54 AM CST

Read your last entry. You truely sound "fired up" and rightly so, deserve a hug.(), (), (), one for each of you! WE LOVE YOU...AND SO DOES GOD. Love mom h
mom h <lkhanson@lakesplus.com>
- Thursday, January 27, 2005 7:43 PM CST

God allows all of us to learn and do new things and he will always enable you to learn, but he is always there with you to help you to get it done.
jen smith <jssmith@hotmail.com>
- Thursday, January 27, 2005 11:10 AM CST

I'm checking in on your guestbook entries. It was nice to read Chad's words of comfort & encouragment. I also read my own error...I meant to say it is sometimes easier to say than do. Hug the kids for me, think of you often and love you lots. mom h
mom h <lkhanson@lakesplus.com>
- Friday, January 21, 2005 10:23 PM CST

Even thought I knew you only for a short time, you mad that time special, fun, adventuresome, and lived. It is always hard when someone like Chad is taken in the manor he was and also around the time he was taken. We just have to remember he is not suffering any more andis in a better place, looking down on us all. He will forever be with us in our memories, pictures and thoughts. I will miss you!---Chad Stelljes
Chad Stelljes <ct_stelljes@hotmail.com>
Fargo, ND USA - Monday, January 17, 2005 10:17 AM CST

You are right/take time to be happy. It's actually harder said than done. Worries and sadnesses have an every day influence we don't realize, until we stop, look & listen! Your words have reached me. I love you much, Love, mom

mom h <lkhanson@lakesplus.com>
- Saturday, January 15, 2005 10:12 AM CST

Hi Jenn -- I haven't visited your site recently so I was looking at some of your past entries and came across the one about getting looks because you are a single mom with 2 kids. I was there (although I only had one child) and I used to get those looks too but I figured I would give the "lookers" the benefit of the doubt because they didn't know me and they didn't know what I had been through and was going through at that time. If they wanted to condemn me for being a single parent without knowing the whole story, I couldn't stop them. However, I wasn't going to apologize or make excuses. I held my head high...OK, sometimes my nose went up in the air, too.... I was doing the best job of parenting that I could do and if it wasn't good enough for them, tough!! Stephanie grew up to be a well-adjusted, caring, loving, smart, motivated woman and I'm very proud of her. You, Tate, & Kiah will be OK. You don't have to impress anyone because the only ones whose opinions count love you very much. Follow your instincts and you can't go wrong.

Happy 2005 -- make it your year. Love, Aunt Debbie
Debbie Barker <TopBranchOR@direcway.com>
Springfield, OR - Thursday, January 6, 2005 0:43 AM CST

2004 goes into the memory bank and 2005 rolls right in! We wish you a reason to smile every day & the opportunity to share it:) Jesus loves you, this I know, for the Bible tells me so. Happy New Year Jenn. Hugs & Love, mom h
mom h <lkhanson@lakesplus.com>
- Saturday, January 1, 2005 10:50 PM CST

Jen - I just wanted to wish you, Tate & Kiah a very Happy New Year! You've had a very full year and I hope that 2005 brings you many happy moments and memories. Love to all of you - Steph

Stephanie Wilcox <greytigrrr@comcast.net>
Springfield, OR - Friday, December 31, 2004 6:38 PM CST

Jenn: I read w/a smile all the kind words shared with you since I last checked in. Surely you are blessed with prayers and caring thoughts. I rejoice w/Carol for having her son home. For your friend who shared her memories of Hawaii, I send a big hug. Tate & Kiah, you have many people who love you...and have never met you. Through your mom, they know of the love that supported you all the last 3+ years. This is a love that I pray you, too, will find as adults...a love as great & wonderful as that shared by Jenn & Chad. Love to you all. mom h
mom h <lkhanson@lakesplus.com>
- Monday, December 27, 2004 6:50 PM CST

Good morning, Jen and kids.

Today is a bittersweet day for you all, and many people are thinking of you today and saying prayers for a special "grace" day.

Last night as we were on our way home from North Dakota where we had been in a wedding, we stopped at a gas station for gas. On the ground I found a shiny penny, totally untouched by snow or slush. I picked it up, put it in my coat pocket, and smiled, thinking of Chad.

I had a wonderful Christmas gift this year (and birthday gift as it is my birthday today too)......my son who has been serving in Iraq came home! He has been gone since last December and I am walking about 3 feet off the ground. I cry when I think of the other soldiers over there without their families, and the families missing their soldiers here.

God bless Chad's memory on this day and always, and God's special blessings to you three. I hope you have a day filled with love and peace.

Carol Shegrud <shegdude@gvtel.com>
Bagley, MN - Saturday, December 25, 2004 7:28 AM CST

Jen, I think you got the best Christmas present you could've ever asked for (if you could've even come up with it). If nothing else ever showed you how much Chad loved/loves you, Tate and Kiah, this gift sure does. I am so glad that you two had the time together that you did and that you got to experience such a true, pure love. Merry Christmas Jen, Tate and Kiah! Know that not only does Chad love you all, but so do all of your family and friends and we will ALWAYS be here for you; no matter what.

Steph

Stephanie Wilcox <greytigrrr@comcast.net>
Springfield, OR USA - Monday, December 20, 2004 10:45 AM CST

Jen, Of course it was impossible NOT to shed a tear over your latest entry! As I sit here with tears cascading down my face, I think how special for Chad to have thought of you (again) in advance, and know how to reach you even after he was gone from this earth. How wonderful that he trusted your mother with this "message of love" to give to you and the children when it was the right time.

As Christmas approaches, I continue to pray for you and the children, to be surrounded by love and family, to be appreciative of your blessings, and to be protected from the pain of your loss of Chad. He IS in a beautiful place, he IS in your hearts.

Merry Christmas.
Carol Shegrud <shegdude@gvtel.com>
- Monday, December 20, 2004 8:57 AM CST

What a wonderful gift! I hope you don't mind if I share that poem. We have all lost many family and friends and it is a great poem for everyone. Take caring during this extremely difficult time of year.
Kristi Schaut <klschaut@waterousco.com>
Oakdale , MN 55128 - Monday, December 20, 2004 5:43 AM CST

Jen-- I am so glad that you had a good time. You deserved it and I am sure the kids are glad to have you back. It really makes a difference in a persons attitude when you have a break, you can again handle things for a while. Take care and we will see you next Friday. Love ya and think of you often.
Bets
Elizabeth Nelson <cnelson@prtel.com>
Fergus Falls, - Tuesday, December 14, 2004 1:39 PM CST

Dear Jen - It's nice to see you check in with Brad's site, I know I visit yours often to see how you are doing. You are right, you and I are very much alike, trying to figure out how to go on with our lives after losing the man we loved the most. My 22 years with my Brad have left me unprepared for being alone - not that I can't take care of myself, I simply don't want so many years ahead of me without him.

People can be critical, but you and I can't live for them, we have to live to our own heartbeats, to what works for us. I grieve too long, you not long enough, but none of these people have a clue where we are now, and you have to overlook their blundering. I have less patience with thoughtless remarks though, I'll tell you that!

I want you to go to Hawaii and stand in that beautiful water and look up to the sky and tell Chad how much you love him, and how good this trip is for you, because I know he'll be smiling knowing you're getting the break you need. Brad and I spent some wonderful time in Hawaii, and I went back last year to spread some of his ashes at the Haleakela volcano on Maui - it was one of his wishes. It is a beautiful, magical place and I want you to soak up all that beauty and take care of YOU! Oh, and bring back lots of pictures to share!

Katherine
Brad's website: http://www2.caringbridge.org/ga/bradmoss
Katherine Gasque <kgasque@comcast.com>
Atlanta, GA - Wednesday, December 1, 2004 10:41 PM CST

Jenn: Want to say hope the day was good and that you felt God watching over you. Not all "looks" are judgemental or negative. Some people look @ others to calculate strength, love, approachability, compare personal strenghts & weeknesses or just out of love & compassion. Keep your heart open and kindness in your words. I love youi. MOM H
mom h <lkhanson@lakesplus.com>
- Wednesday, December 1, 2004 8:34 PM CST

Jen, Tate & Kiah
Just wanted to let you know you are still in my prayers. I visit your site often and way too often do not leave a message. Jen- Hope your trip was great!
Love always,
Stacy
Moorhead, MN - Sunday, November 28, 2004 4:13 PM CST

Hi, Jen. Just wanted to say at this Thanksgiving season that I am thankful for you, and thankful that you are breathing hope into your children. You've had a tremendous year of pain and loss, yet you continue to be a blessing to others. May God richly bless you beyond your wildest imagination, and give you every good thing.

Your friend,

Carol <shegdude@gvtel.com>
- Sunday, November 28, 2004 9:11 AM CST

Jenn: It will be good to see and hug you on Thanksgiving Day. I know I cannot give you the hugs "as needed", but wish with all my heart I could. I will not tell you to be strong...you be you. If it means tears, then tears it will be. If it's a stubborn streak, so be it. After it's all done, you will still be the same child I've loved so many years. A child of Gods', and a blessing of mine. Love, mom
mom h <lkhanson@lakesplus.com>
- Tuesday, November 23, 2004 7:20 PM CST

I can't imagine what it is like for you and your children. I have my 13 year old daughter fighting that same thing that took a part of your life. She is good now with clear CT's but it is always in my head thinking about exactly what you are going through. I hope that God can be there to comfort you and give you strength, along with your family and friends and even your little ones. Take care and I hope you are able to enjoy the holidays with the wonderful memories you have. God Bless from Minnesota.
Kristi Schaut <klschaut@waterousco.com>
Oakdale, MN 55128 - Thursday, November 18, 2004 11:10 AM CST

Hi, Jen!

Glad you're "putting one foot in front of the other". I was just reading that the first holiday season after your special loved one dies that you can't re-create the old traditions, etc....you have to do a little something different to start anew. I'm sure you are dreading this first Christmas...such a poignant time and also the time when Chad was called Home. I was thinking of a special memory time. When you and the kids (and others, if you wanted) would write down a memory of Chad and acknowledge his special presence in your lives. And maybe give a gift to another family that is experiencing separation and loss. Make it your new holiday tradition to reach out to someone else who is grieving or suffering in some way. Perhaps "adopt" an elderly person at a nursing home who has no family to visit. Have the kids make pictures or whatever and help you bake something. Tell the person that you are sad this year with your loss and let them bring comfort to you.... All people want to be needed, and older people especially feel bereft at holiday times.

Kids usually really "get into" helping others if they are told about someone's lonliness, etc. I'm sure your Tate and Kiah are no exception.

Oh the bittersweet times before you, Jen!

I hope and pray that you and the kids will be able to get through this first Christmas without Chad, and have made someone else happy in the process.

Praying for your family,

Carol

Carol Shegrud <shegdude@gvtel.com>
Bagley, MN USA - Wednesday, November 17, 2004 9:38 PM CST

Jen - When you get to the melt-down, and the feel of losing your control and your mind, that's when God wants to pick you up. It's difficult to give it to Him because it feels like we're "melting" like a popsicle and won't be able to get back around our stick. He knows, He knows, He knows. And he wants you to trust Him at those points. He wants to be the one to rock you in His arms and let you pour out your grief, and terror, and misery. He made you, Jen, and He knows you better than anyone. If you're strong all the time, why would you need Him?

I ask everyone who reads this website to send out waves of prayer for you, that God will hold you in the palm of His hand, that He will curl His fingers around you, and give you His peace.

God bless you, Jen. God DOES answer prayers. You are in ours.

Love,

Carol Shegrud <shegdude@gvtel.com>
Bagley, MN USA - Friday, November 12, 2004 7:54 AM CST

Jen,
I have been following your story for 9 or 10 months now. I do not know you personally but after your last posting I felt I should write to let you know that even complete strangers like myself are rooting for you. You and your children are in my prayers everyday. You have been an inspiration to me and I'm sure to many, many others. I think you are handling everything as best as can be and your children are lucky to have such a terrific mom. You are only human, take each day one by one. God Bless!
KM
CT - Wednesday, November 10, 2004 1:59 PM CST

I can tell today has been a rough day for you and although you don't know why it is so, you're doing what you need to do to get through it. And, whether you recognize it as such or not, your journal entry is a way of venting/letting loose, asking for help. You know it's a safe environment to let us all know what you're feeling, what you're going through and it allows us the opportunity to step up and offer to help in whatever way we each can. If I could take the kids off your hands for a couple of hours I gladly would, but I'm too far away, so instead I message you and hope you will write back and let me help that way. We all love you, Tate and Kiah and we all know that not every day is sunshine and roses (wouldn't it be nice for all of us if it could be?). You are doing great Jen, don't let one bad day make you think otherwise. I can tell you that you're doing MUCH better than I think I would be if our roles were reversed. Please allow yourself the opportunity to not have to always be the strong one. The kids will be OK, you're doing great things for them. Know that you have a great support system set up, just gotta allow us that small chance to actually help. We all love you 3 and will do whatever it is that you need us to do.

Steph

Stephanie Wilcox <greytigrrr@comcast.net>
Springfield, OR - Tuesday, November 9, 2004 3:03 PM CST

Jen- I wish I could understand your pain and say that all will be alright but I can't. I have been reading this site for over a year and have never posted. I have never gone through what you have but it the last year you have shown that you are a strong woman. It is alright to have bad days. Afterall, you are human and not superwoman. Take the evening slowly and spend some time with just you and the kids. Let the emotions flow-you don't have to be strong all of the time-the kids will understand and we all do to. As my mother always said when my best friend suddenly passed away at age 23. The sun always comes up tomorrow and it is time to start anew!
Miranda-MNmom
Forest Lake, MN - Tuesday, November 9, 2004 2:53 PM CST

I cannot believe it has been so long since signing on. The words so many have shared...I hope they've allowed you to realize that strong, sorrow, & tears are all one. For the family in NJ, my heart aches to read of their struggle. I will say a prayer for "peace" in their hearts. You go, go, go...but your heart is always in the same & right place. Once in awhile it may not keep up w/the body & that is OK...remember memories are God's forever gift to us. It is like a perpetual present...a memory to "open" every day, we just have to take the time to savor it...& not rush. All you kids were a terrific help w/the deer processing...thanks for the memories:) Love, MOM H
mom h <lkhanson@lakesplus.com>
- Monday, November 8, 2004 7:32 PM CST

Prayers and thoughts to you, as always. The stone at the church looks beautiful. We will have to stop at the church next time we come to Bemidji and look at it. Our friends live close to the church, just north a little further and then down one of those roads that go towards the lake. I hope health is good at your house. Transition is stressful for all. It is good that Tate has someone to talk to. I hope all goes well. Will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Keep the faith, hug and kiss those little angels twice. Your life right now sounds like the "Get on, hang on, and ride" saying. Keep your hands on the bar at all times, ha.
Paula <mpolson@loretel.net>
- Saturday, November 6, 2004 4:48 AM CST

HI JEN, IT HAS BEEN MANY MONTHS SINCE I LAST WROTE. MY HUSBAND JAY HAS DSRCT. TONIGHT WE GOT THE LATEST CT RESULTS AND THEY WERE NOT GOOD. THE TUMORS IN HIS LUNGS AND ABDOMEN HAVE GOTTEN BIGGER. HIS ONE LUNG IS STARTING TO FILL WITH FLUID.AND YOU KNOW THE LIST GOES ON.I AM GLAD TO HEAR HOW POSITIVE YOU ARE. I'M SURE YOUR FAITH HAS HELPED. KEEP BEING A WONDERFUL PARENT AND I'M SURE CHAD IS SO PROUD OF YOU. HAVE A WONDERFUL THANKSGIVING AND CHRISTMAS. ENJOY EACH MOMENT.
BETH DAUNORAS
BETH DAUNORAS <HOOKANDTHECOOK@AOL.COM>
SHAMONG, NJ USA - Wednesday, October 27, 2004 10:10 PM CDT

Jen....I sure do understand the feeling of being "alone" as a single parent....as I was a single parent for over 7 years with four children. There were no grandmothers or aunts etc. nearby for me either. The children were 1 1/2 up to 7. It was "go go go" and not look back. You get through it because you have to. You wish you had another set of arms to take up the slack and to just be there while you ran some errands ALONE. Someone else to look at your adorable children and meet your eyes with theirs to enjoy "your" children together. But if you can't, you can't.

I truly believe keeping busy saves you from too much time to think, and to ponder, and to wash yourself in grief every day with intensity. This way, your busyness staves off the daily stabs and hits you out of the blue now and then with a big wollop. And then you move on again.....

You're doing it just right, you're not being passive and allowing life to swallow you up.

You will be in my prayers as usual especially as Christmas rolls around.

Hugs to you!

Carol Shegrud <shegdude@gvtel.com>
Bagley, MN - Thursday, October 21, 2004 9:16 AM CDT

I haven't been on since your entry about Chads' birthday. I love the new pictures. You look awesome. My gosh!!!!! It is okay to cry and let all those emotions come out. You will feel better. Don't feel you need to be so strong. Grief comes and goes in its own way and each of us deals with it in a different way, but tears are a part of it. The loneliness is there, too. I am not there in your presence, but I have you in my thoughts and prayers. Keep the faith, Jen. Hug and kiss those little angels.
Paula Olson <mpolson@loretel.net>
- Tuesday, October 5, 2004 4:32 AM CDT

Hi jen. Was nice to have Kiah over Friday night and saturday. Brenden had a blast with her to play with. Whe I laied her down for a nap on saturday she looked up at me and said "I want my daddy". So I went downstairs and found a photo I have from your wedding and brought it up to her. And she was just fine with that. After I left the room I could hear her kissing the photo and saying I love you to you and chad. She slept hugging the photo. When she woke up she showed the photo to brenden and told him that this is her mommy and she is fine and this is her daddy and he is in heaven. I love you and if you ever need a break I would be more then happy to take those rug rats off your hands for a day or two. Much love and prayers to you. Jamie
Jamie Adams <Pandorra@prtel.com>
- Monday, October 4, 2004 3:37 PM CDT

Well, hi there Jen!! Has been awhile since I wrote - was nice to see you at the club when you were there. Today we sat behind your mom and Kiah in church. Nice to see how she has grown -they do grow fast. Understand fully the sadness at night. I did a lot of things including moving the bed we had shared and getting some new bedding. But each of us -in that situation -must do what they feel is the right thing to do. We are certainly not the same- nor in the same boat. He is watching over you and helps you make the right decisions - like the screensaver incident. Never doubt that - as I am sure your know. You and the kids are still in our thoughts and prayers. Visit sometime or email if needed.
Love Jo and Roger
jo <pederson@lakesplus.com>
- Sunday, October 3, 2004 4:02 PM CDT

Jen - I get the impression that you feel you are showing weakness to not be able to "suck it up" all the time. Not even close! You have been stronger through all of this than anybody could have expected you to be. No one doubts or underestimates the love that you and Chad shared and it is OK for you to miss him and the expressions of that love. Let your family and friends be there for you - we are all your support group and love you, Tate and Kiah no matter where we are. I know that as a single mom you want to be everything to your kids, and it's a great sentiment, but sometimes it's OK to take time for you to do whatever it is that you need to do for yourself (remember all those summers that I was up in MN? that gave Mom time to be her own person and it gave me time to better know the family since we were so far away - it was a good thing all around). You are doing a great job Jen, even I, who is so far away, can tell this. It's OK that you turned that screensaver off without realizing the impact to the kids, but it's fantastic that you turned it back on when Tate asked - that's what they need, to know that you will respect their feelings and take it all as it comes. I've said it before and I'll say it again, if you need anything at all, someone to laugh with, cry with, vent to, chat with, whatever, you know where to find me - day or night. We're family and that withstands all things, especially distance. Just keep doin' what you're doin', even though it's a cliche, things will get better. Love to all of you.
Steph

Stephanie Wilcox <greytigrrr@comcast.net>
Springfield, OR - Sunday, October 3, 2004 11:32 AM CDT

I am Laurice's friend and have read your site often. I, too, lost my husband from cancer in 2002. Finally after crying myself to sleep, I took out his old letters to me from (of old). Each nite I would read a letter or two , chuckle at some of the things he had done that I had forgotten about, marvel at the misspelled words and finally read the reassurance of his love that seemed to be about the same words every time!! Not alot of variety in those closing words but then I could go to sleep happy.
Another thing we had was an electric mattress pad. I turn that on an hour be/4 I go to bed and it's nice and warm to crawl into. This may sound rather silly but it helps. Blessings to you and those two darling kids! Carla

Carla J. Tweeton <wctweton@prtel.com>
Fergus Falls, MN USA - Saturday, October 2, 2004 12:59 AM CDT

I'm just checking in on you Jen to see how you are. I check the site often to find out how you're doing, and I understand what your nights are like. I too miss my husband so much in the evenings, in the quiet of what use to be "our time". Everything you are experiencing is normal, take it in your own time. And please drop me a line now and then, it's nice to stay in touch.
Kat
Brad's website :http://www.caringbridge.org/ga/bradmoss - Katherine Gasque <kgasque@mindspring.com>
Atlanta, GA - Saturday, October 2, 2004 1:03 AM CDT

Hello! Jen- I decided it was time to leave a message as I have been reading your journal for a while now. I am Greg Orgel's aunt, and have been inspired by the strength you have shown both during and after Chad's struggle. You are an inspiration, you continue to live each day, and remember that there is always tomorrow. Just wanted to let you know that you have had a profound impact on many- even those you do not know, please stay strong - for your children and mostly for yourself!! and enjoy yourself, you definitely deserve it!! Thanks for letting others share your story!
Judi Mindock <JMMindock@aol.com>
Allentown, PA USA - Wednesday, September 29, 2004 11:21 AM CDT

Hello, Jen! It's been awhile since I wrote anything here. I do check quite often and was beginning to think you weren't going to journal anymore. It's great that you are back in a routine and sailing forth into the fall season with dedication and purpose.

I'm not sure what you referred to as the "memorial" for Chad involves today/tonight....but I will hold a prayer for you that you are kept tightly in God's embrace while those emotions roll and flow over you.

My youngest daughter got married with just family on Labor Day and last night we had the reception in Bemidji. We got home very late, but did enjoy the evening very much. We had the same band as we did for one of our older daughter's wedding reception 10 1/2 years ago! Now we have "married off" all four of our daughters, and four of our sons. We just have our youngest son (who is 18)for future wedding plans (hopefully WAY into the future!). It's hard to believe that they are all grown up, because I certainly don't feel any older than I did 35 years ago.

Life has so many twists and turns. Keeping positive, looking forward, and cherishing life will keep you on track, which you've learned so well. Continue to change and grow as your life dictates.......life will be sweet for you.

"Cheers" to you, Jen. The next chapter of your life will be great, too.

Your friend,

Carol
Carol Shegrud <shegdude@gvtel.com>
Bagley, MN USA - Saturday, September 25, 2004 11:02 AM CDT

Jenn: You are not alone in thoughts for Sat. night. You told me tonight about Chad's good morning song for Tate & how you now share it. This song many other things will be remembered long after Sat. night...that is how Chad will be honored/in hearts and memories:) Hugs...MOM H
mom H <lkhanson@lakesplus.com>
- Wednesday, September 22, 2004 10:29 PM CDT

HI Jenn: checking in on site...nice to hear from Steph. Last week was full of memories for both dad & I. Bryan I got married on Sat. & I think we both had "reruns" on our minds-highs & lows. We think of you alot & still search to understand the strength you & chad showed and shared. Only God knows...as it came from him. Love you, mom H
mom h <lkhanson@lakesplus.com>
- Monday, September 20, 2004 7:57 PM CDT

Hey Jen - just wanted to say hi and let you know that you are all in my thoughts often. I'm sure you are carrying on as you know you need to do, but wanted to let you know that you are thought of and cared about. Hugs to all and I hope that you have had a great summer and will have a great autumn.
Stephanie Wilcox <greytigrrr@comcast.net>
Springfield, OR - Monday, September 20, 2004 7:08 PM CDT

I'm signing in to say hi. Hope you had a good day and got lots of hugs & kisses from Tate & Kiah. God watches over you every day...he loves you and so I. Love, mom H
mom h <lkhanson@lakesplus.com>
- Monday, September 13, 2004 9:24 PM CDT

Jenn: Some powerful words you've given and rcv'd...thank you for sharing them. As the Threshing Bea draws close, I smile to remember Chad & yours soot-faced smiles & Tate & Kiah in "engineer overalls" riding the engine. I realize now that it was an "uplift" for the both you no matter how much Chad struggled to be "OK" for it, he wanted to be there & be w/family. This year will be different, but we will watch the parade w/smiles & remember w/smiles, too:) Love you...mom h
mom h <lkhanson@lakesplus.com>
- Monday, September 6, 2004 4:22 PM CDT

Jen, Tate, and Kiah.
Like many I am a "check the site and leave without dropping a note" kind of person. This is not new for me as I have been doing this since the site was started. However that is a poor excuse. I wanted to share a couple thoughts before you decided to close this down so that they could be included in your plans. But, quite honestly, these stories need to be told in person for the whole effect. (Those of you who know me probably understand this!) I have more then a few favorite "Chad stories" and I chose this one as not many people know this one. This happened shortly after I had moved in with Chad and probably all of 2 months after I first met him at our Lake View Estates palace! We were sitting around one day talking about our high school days and what sports we had played etc. We talked football first (duh!) and then proceded to talk about Wrestling. Anyway we finally got aroung to the inevitable question. Which one of us would end up the winner in a match between us. Now you all know how Chad was built. I am 5'10" give or take and at the time weighed in at an even 200lbs. So out into the front yard of the palace we went to have a match. Within 5 minutes we were both on the ground with him trying to put me in a cradle. (ask somebody you know who wrestles what that hold is if you don't know) Thing was I couldn't catch him and get good hold of him because he was too fast and he couldn't keep a decent hold on me as I was to big for him. Well we proceded to do this for about 15 minutes when we figured out it was a stalemate and that we both smoked and drank to much to be out in the dang yard rolling around in the grass like a couple of idiots! We went back in the house sounding like a couple steam threshers trying to get up to speed. It was funny as heck watching us in the living room each trying to catch our breath and stop laughing at the same time.
Anyway that is just one of our adventures and there are more that I will share when the kids are old enough to hear!!
There is not a day that goes by that I don't miss my friend and think about him. Those thoughts are always followed by thoughts of you guys and how well you have all done. Probably better then me some days! Jen, as you and I have said in the past "gotta do what you gotta do" and while this wasn't something Chad said it was the way he lived and everytime I see you I know you are using what Chad taught to you an me both to get through the tough and unhappy times. As I told you on my last visit up there I am proud of you and so is Chad.

With all my love
John
John Magnuson <jpmagnuson@charter.net>
Fergus Falls, MN - Tuesday, August 31, 2004 1:16 AM CDT

Jen, there is nothing wrong with saying, "Enough, I didn't ask to be made stronger, I could have gotten by without this test, thank you very much!". Why is this selfish? So many times I find myself wishing to have this over, to just wake up (or not wake up) and have this be done. I do not think that wishing life had taken another path is selfish, in fact I feel it is very human to wish your life had turned out as you and your husband had planned.

15 months after Brad died I still wish him home, I still cry for him, I still miss him with all my heart.Yes, I suppose I am stronger, yes, I suppose I can do the things that need doing. That isn't the point. We miss the love, we miss our partner, and we miss our best friend. I think that's a pretty good reason to make wishes, no matter how much we have learned to get by.

Hang in dear friend, it is a come and go process. One day you are fine, and the next you don't know how you can face another day. Baby steps, one day at a time we are making it, and we each have a new profound awareness of life as it is, not as it could have been.

Katherine - Brad's website: http://www.caringbridge.org/ga/bradmoss/
Katherine <kgasque@mindspring.com>
Lawrenceville, GA USA - Monday, August 30, 2004 5:29 PM CDT

Hi Jen, I have checked this site many times and have not posted anything. I at time am not sure what to say. Many times it is to see Chad's picture and just realize that my little problems of the day are not all that bad and when Austin comes in and says look mom I found a nickle and I look and it is a penny I know that is Chad's way of saying take a deep breath and chill out that it will all be okay. I am sad that his new niece McKenna will not get to know her uncle and that Kelsey and Austin did not get to see him more. I know that is just as much my fault as any. Just remember that I think of you all.
Stacey <DSJuhnke@yahoo.com>
- Wednesday, August 25, 2004 10:54 PM CDT

Tate & Kiah: You had a very special daddy who loved you both & your mom very, very much. I know if there had been any way he could've spent more time on earth loving you all, he would've done it. He was fun...like the time he gave me a red PT Cruiser (model) for Christmas...I'd been wishing we could buy the real thing! He held you in his lap to watch TV, played Star Wars w/the swords, read books @ night, picked you up & hugged you when you'd run to him, & enjoyed the "tag-a-longs" when he golfed. If family events were planned when the Vikings were playing, he always got someone to record the game for him...even us! To this day, I think of your daddy everytime I hear Vikings news...& I am not a FB lover:) He was a serious hard worker when he needed to be...always planning for the future. God has blessed you both w/ the shape & lashes of Chad's eyes...in a way that will always remind us all of him. In your eyes is your daddy's love. There are photos in the album I gave your mom that say more than I can...take time to look @ them. I will share any stories, any time...just ask . Lots of love, Grandma Hanson
mom h <lkhanson@lakesplus.com>
- Monday, August 16, 2004 7:53 PM CDT

Hi Tate and Kiah, Your Dad was extra special and well all remember him always.He had a lot of good values that Im sure we will find in the two of you. So many people liked your Dad so much, he had a great smile that was catchy.He loved you and your Mom with his whole heart. Will tell you more in person. Love you great grandma and grandpa H.
grandma LeVonne
Dalton, Mn USA - Friday, August 13, 2004 7:56 AM CDT

Jen, Tate & Kiah

Whenever I think of Chad I see his great smile and hear his laugh. Just looking at him, I knew he was a happy person. At my brother Jason's 30th birthday party we talked for quite a while...mostly about our families. When Chad talked about his family his face lit up. His body language was speaking louder than his words. I know he loved you very much.

I've checked this site daily for a long time but only left one guestbook entry. Even though you probably don't remember me, I feel I've gotten to know you and your family. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and updates on Chad's illness. I believe that if the world is a better place afer we've been here, we were a success. Chad was a success.

When I read of your new challenges, you remind me of myself. When my 2 boys were 4 & 5 I became a single parent from divorce. I remember having similar feelings to what you've shared. I was determined to move forward. Today, 16 years later, my boys are both fine young men. I can't help but feel I must have done something right. I believe you will have a similar story to tell in the years to come, because of your determination.

God bless you.
Shelly Tang <shelbert@i29.net>
Fargo, ND US - Thursday, August 12, 2004 8:43 AM CDT

Memories of Chad...haha...which one! I remember the first time I met you, Jen. I think it was at a family reunion at Roy's place outside of Dalton. And we went and play Norweign Baseball which was one of our many family traditions. Those were some of the funnest times with Chad he was so full of life and so darn funny! Also many Christmases at Inez and Richards. There are so many memories that just writing wouldnt do justice. He was a great man and will truely be missed! Take care you guys! Jen I was wondering if you guys were still going to come up to the Threashing Bee in Sept. All of us would love to see you and the kids! Love you Guys!
Chalsey H. <your_friend2001@hotmail.com>
Ashby, MN US - Friday, August 6, 2004 3:41 PM CDT

Jen,
I have many thoughts and memories of Chad from when we were kids living out in the country or causing trouble some neighbors may say. Chad & I always seemed to be busy with a project or two and if it wasn't building a fort we working on one of our 3-wheelers or snowmobiles. Chad & I played on the same baseball team as kids and we both ran in Track in Jr, High and then he moved on to wrestling and did very well. I rememeber his jeep and the day he bought it, he was so proud and had the biggest smile. When we could Chad & I would run our 3-wheelers through the mud, you should have see this kid about maybe 90lbs ridding this green 3-wheeler through the mud.When we were all done ridding we would ask each other Ok who's house are going to go to so we can clean this mess up.

When Chad came back from Alaska he stopped over to my house and the first thing I remember is he had no eye brows, I guess it was some kind of send off party they held for him when he left Alaska. When I told Chad Vicki & I were going to married and we asked him to be in the wedding Chad said are you sure she is the one (laughing)because there is many more in the sea, he was just kidding but a guy still has to ask. Well when Chad told me he was going to Marry you Jen and asked me to part of their wedding he told me right out, don't worry she is the one, I know it.That was Chad for ya knowing what he wanted and going after to get it.
Sorry that this is so long but when I start thinking back I have so many memories and too many to list. We miss Chad very Much and just appreciate being a friend to both you and Chad.
Jason Tang <Jtang@istate.com>
Moorhead, MN - Friday, August 6, 2004 2:04 PM CDT

Jen, You are such a strong person. You are not anything less because you need to let it out. You have a wonderful life--it's the smiles on their faces, it's the good-night, good morning, and just because kisses and hugs you get. The loneliness you feel is natural. You will find something to fill that loneliness. Tears are okay. You were married to a good man. I only seen Chad a few times, but from my friendship with his mother I learned a whole lot. You brought sunshine into his life and he the same to you. You will have a link to him forever. The single mom thing is a huge issue. You could think of it as a selfish way to get ALL the hugs and kisses, but it is hard. It is nice to have someone else help with the dishes, put the kids in the tub, fold a load of clothes, etc. You are a beautiful person. You are awesome. Life is coming around for you already. I can tell by the words you write. You continue to be on my mind and in my prayers. Pat was so happy to have the kids stay with them. I hear you look awesome. Keep the faith, Jen. Hug and kiss those little angels twice. Keep your chin and keep finding those pennies.
Paula <mpolson@loretel.net>
- Friday, August 6, 2004 2:51 AM CDT

I'm some of those "hits'. I usually write you personally, but dad & I will write of Chad's memories. I wish you the best in selling the camper. Chad gave the opportunity & you've made the best of it. The choice is yours. Tate & Kiah have loved the water and had bug adventures...great memories. You will continue to make a good life for them because that's you! As for the 1st born...dad & I just laughed...nobody is taking full credit (or blame):) We love you very much. love, mom H
mom h <lkhanson@lakesplus.com>
- Monday, August 2, 2004 10:01 PM CDT

Hi, Jen. I agree with Jo that it's been a good thing to have this website. You've used it well and I know it will remind you in later years of all the things you went through; good and bad.

I really don't have personal memories of Chad, as you know. You were my hairdresser back in the J.C. Penney days. I remember you telling me that you were getting married, and how excited you were. You showed me pictures. Then after the wedding you showed me those beautiful pictures. I remember running into you in the mall when you had just found out you were pregnant with Tate, and how excited you were!!! While spraying me in the face with water (of course you had to torture me) you would tell me the latest adventure with Tate. And then Kiah was the next treasure. Sometime in there you stopped working at Penney's but you were always such fun that you stuck in my person. I think I ran into you and Chad at T-Juan's one time, and met him for the first time. He had a great smile and didn't seem bored to meet some older woman whose hair you used to perm; I gave him credit for that!

I guess most of my "memories" of Chad were the ones that you told me. You spoke so lovingly and truthfully about your family that they became real to me.

Then with the tragedy of the cancer diagnosis and you told me of the website. I followed the progress and your maturing diligently. It was a long walk down a dark path. But somehow you managed to make it with grace and dignity. Most of all I appreciated your common sense, and ability to "think outside the box".

I wish I had more to say about Chad directly, but indirectly I saw a gentle and loving man that was "there" for his family and valued his kids and his wife.

As a single mother of 4 (ages 6, 4, 3, and 1) for 7 1/2 years, I can understand that aloneness that comes over you....watching families in the park with a mom AND a dad and how I sometimes would just cry in the car on the way home because it wasn't part of my life. The simple things I had to learn to do that weren't easy for me. But each thing and each accomplishment made me stronger and more confidant. I'm sure the same will happen to you. (and it has already).

God bless you always, Jen, and Tate and Kiah too. Tuck those memories inside tightly and pull them out one by one when you need them.

With love,

Carol <shegdude@gvtel.com>
- Friday, July 30, 2004 7:37 AM CDT

Dearest Jen - This may a be long one -so beware. As you probably remember -I was 24 when my first husband died and left me with two girls - 6 years and 2 years and $35 to live on. Yes -there were pity times - many of them. But we made it. There were so many days I really didn't want to be the mom I was supposed to be. But thank the good Lord that those days were few. I know there are times when you want to just say "Get me out of here." But you know you can't because the little ones are asking for something or need you to hug them or answer a question about their dad. and the nights - oh how I hated the nights - I remember going around to all the doors and double checking them -I am not sure why -but that didn't matter - it made me feel safer somehow! I don't want to get you so upset and scared or weepy but I want to tell you something - the web site is one of the best outpouring mechanisms you can have. It is and has been, your outlet - and I know this just by reading the last entry. How else would you be able to spout off about the "friends" that said they would be there and now aren't. They probably don't know what to say or do. I remember feeling that I was a threat to my best girl friends who were married and because I thought they thought - I was maybe a threat to them and their happy life- being alone and "maybe looking"!!!! I remember going to the cemetery and sitting on the church steps and hollering at the gravesite because I needed to know what bill I was supposed to pay and was so sure he would tell me - from the grave - it didn't matter - I felt close to him. Oh how I prayed!! Your friends will be there - the ones you want there- at least. There are so many things I could tell you but the last thing for tonight is - you have a lot of people who love you and the Lord will guide you - we can be sure of it. Hope I haven't bored you or sounded silly - one of the best things you have is the website -to spout off - if nothing else. Wish I had had that. You are loved and thought of often even if you don't hear from those of us all the time.
Jo
Jo
- Monday, July 26, 2004 9:40 PM CDT

I just remember Chad being the same person at work as he was when we were golfing or playing racquetball. Chad was such a fun person to be around, his glass was always half full. I miss those days of spending time with him but I will never forget him and I know he's in a better place.
Chad Hagen <chagen@wfc.des.state.mn.us>
Detroit Lakes, MN USA - Thursday, July 22, 2004 4:03 PM CDT

Good morning, Jen. Good to hear that you're doing well and moving toward your future. I am sure you will stay in contact with those who have found your site that are going through this same ordeal. You will be of such help to others.

Life certainly has it's twists and turns.

Although you are moving through the intense grieving process, I (and others) will continue to hold you and the babies up in prayer as you come to mind.

Hope your week is wonderful.

Carol Shegrud <shegdude@gvtel.com>
Bagley, - Monday, July 19, 2004 8:52 AM CDT

Jenn: It's been so long since I've turned the computer on. I love to read the good wishes that still are shared w/you & kids. Jo's words are true...you will know the time. Please print advance notice so those who have cared so much, have the opportunity to leave words of love for Tate & Kiah. It may be the only time in their lives that some of them may have the chance. The future will hold the chance for them to read it themselves & feel the love & respect that so many had for their father. Your words reflect Chad's and yours, strength, love, and "unshakeable faith". A legacy to them to carry forever. We love you very much. Love mom h
mom h <lkhanson@lakesplus.com>
- Sunday, July 18, 2004 8:01 AM CDT

Jen - Roger told me he saw you yesterday and you look great! Glad to hear things are going good for you and the kids. When I was a widow, I knew there was a time to move on and I think you have come to that time in your life. My first husband was a musician and his grave marker tells exactly how I feel - "The song has ended but the melody lives on." I know you will hear the melody for a long time, especially through the children. Best wishes to you in your future. Love Jo and Roger
Jo Pederson
- Monday, July 12, 2004 9:12 PM CDT

Jen - Just the other day I was thinking "probably Jen will shut down the site soon", because I had noticed longer and longer periods between updates. And you're right...the reason for the site was mostly for his illness and a way to communicate how things were going. Then after his passing, to update your family and friends on how you and the kids were. I think it's so healthy that you can do this.

The weather is going to start perking up here, Jen....don't worry! Pretty soon you will be complaining about the heat!

I do pray that the rest of your summer goes well and that you have the chance to have some stress-free time to relax and enjoy your family.

I'm going to continue to pray for you and your family with or without the site.

Have a great day!

Carol Shegrud <shegdude@gvtel.com>
Bagley, MN - Thursday, July 8, 2004 7:27 AM CDT

Jen, I'm so glad that you and the kids had a great 4th and got to spend time with the family. Thanks also for putting up the new pics. Chad's gravesite does look very nice - it's great to see that there were lots of flowers and decorations. The pics of the kids were good to see also - looks like you got Tate right in the middle of blinking or something. :-) If you do shut down the site, please make sure you keep in touch the old fashioned way (e-mail, ok, maybe it's not so old fashioned) and I will try to do the same. I think it's a fantastic idea for you to print out all of the entries (yours and ours) for the kids to read someday if they want to. Not only will they be able to better understand what their Dad went through and how many people cared about him, but it will be a tremendous way for them to learn more about their Mom - you poured your heart into each of your journal entries and they will be able to read and understand that. Love to all of you from Oregon! Steph

Stephanie Wilcox <greytigrrr@comcast.net>
Springfield, OR USA - Wednesday, July 7, 2004 10:42 PM CDT

Hi Jen...gosh, been a long time. Having trouble with my computer at home. Prayers continue your way. You still remain in my thoughts. I wish the best to you. Am so glad to hear that things are going well after surgery. Just know that you are in my prayers and thoughts. Keep the faith. Continue to find those pennies. I think they are truly being "sent". Blessings to you.
Paula <mpolson@loretel.net>
- Saturday, July 3, 2004 4:40 AM CDT

Read update. You have handled the day the best you could...no one would ask more. The kids just know the day as another day of the week...not a day of their life that has changed forever. In time, they will have their own special days remembered by pictures they see & memories you share w/them. Remember the good ones, Jenn. God gives these to you as a gift of love. Love, mom h
mom h <lkhanson@lakesplus.com>
- Friday, June 25, 2004 10:20 PM CDT

"Happy Day" Jenn, Tate & Kiah. Give each other BIG hugs XXX from me. Today could be a day to share some good-time photos shared as a family...1st to mind is the 4-wheeler trip. All 3 of you could smile w/remember "whens". God loves you and so do dad & I. Love, mom h
mom h <lkhanson@lakesplus.com>
- Friday, June 25, 2004 8:06 AM CDT

Today, June 25th, I really miss my mom. My mom used to celebrate today's date as my "half-birthday" because I was born on Christmas Day and my birthday was always overshadowed by Christmas. She used to take me to lunch on June 25th and give me half a cake, half a present, etc. It was our special time together.

And for you, Jen, it's the 6 month anniversary of your Chad's transition from earth to heaven. God bless his precious memory.

Mom H....thanks for your tributes. You, too, are an inspiration to me. You have such a tender and protective heart. No wonder Jen is the woman she is! I'm sure much of her strength is your quiet and steady unwavering love.

I hope you and the kids have a great weekend, Jen!

Carol Shegrud <shegdude@gvtel.com>
Bagley, MN - Friday, June 25, 2004 7:37 AM CDT

Jenn, what fun Sat. was...thank you for traveling to make it so. I too, pray for the legacy that Carol wrote of. Her caring words always stir me. Sometimes, I feel like she has an angel sitting on her shoulder as she writes words whispered into her ear. You both have a strong spirit. It's a time-table to think that in a couple days, it will be half a yr since so many good friends and family held Chad's hand & said goodbye. I anxiously await the dedication @ the church. Hugs to all of you. God's love touches us all, every day. Love, mom
mom h <lkhanson@lakesplus.com>
- Tuesday, June 22, 2004 7:27 PM CDT

Did you run away, Jen? No journal entry for over two weeks! That's either good or bad! I hope it means you're at the lake having a blast and that you're not concerned with your computer, etc. for awhile.

I kind of miss hearing about what you're doing when you don't write for awhile.....

Hope your summer is going well in spite of the pitiful weather.

Love,

Carol

Carol Shegrud <shegdude@gvtel.com>
Bagley, MN - Tuesday, June 22, 2004 1:38 PM CDT

Good Saturday morning, Jen. It's hard to believe it's almost been 6 months since Chad went to heaven.

I have been thinking of you a lot, and,of course, praying for you and the kids as you meet each milestone.

Sounds like you are still being positive and upbeat and going forward carving out a life for your family. Your facing each challenge and overcoming your heartache is awesome. Your children are fortunate to have a mom who can not only keep going, but keep her head high and enjoy the moments as they come. When the tide hits you take the current and ride the wave. I'm sure Chad was comforted at the end knowing that he could leave his tender charges in your capable hands.

This weather has not been the summer dream weather so far, has it?

Oh! Someone sent me a "penny" story. I will find that and paste it here pretty soon. The lady who cleans at my office picks up things when she's vacuuming. Of course on Thursday there was a penny sitting on my chair that she had found! And I went to my file cabinet and moved files around and at the bottom I found a penny too! Whenever I find a penny I pray for your family and always smile.

Here's a toast to Chad for Father's Day tomorrow: "May your children inherit your legacy of love and compassion, and always be reminded of your sweet spirit and gentle ways."

Carol Shegrud <shegdude@gvtel.com>
Bagley, MN - Saturday, June 19, 2004 10:39 AM CDT

Just to say hi. See you on Saturday. Jamie
Jamie adams <pandorra@prtel.com>
- Wednesday, June 16, 2004 7:29 PM CDT

A taco lunch today was for Relay for Life. Thought you'd like to know, that Rachel & Joani (from work) as well as I, bought luminaries in Chad's name. He is still remembered by many locally. Are you working w/the relay up there? Tonight is parade, Brenden is coming to see it w/us. Hopefully, we can take in a parade w/Tate & Kiah sometime this summer,too. Have a good day. Love you, mom h
mom h <lkhanson@lakesplus.com>
- Friday, June 11, 2004 4:39 PM CDT

Jenn & kids: It's been awhile since we've been together, am glad the summer retirement is going well! We think of you often. Yesterday @ work I realized I still had last year's pic of you @ work. Think I'll keep it up for awhile as it reminds me of so many blessings. Am glad you were able to spend time w/Roy...a grandparents love is forever, as is a parents. Sending many hugs... Love, mom h
mom h <lkhanson@lakesplus.com>
- Thursday, June 10, 2004 5:25 PM CDT

Good morning, Jen.

I found not one, but two pennies yesterday, which reminded me to come and say "hello" on your website!

I'm glad you had a good weekend and are able to enjoy the camping at the lake. Which lake do you go to? Are the kids involved in any summer rec activities?

It is getting warm, finally....kind of hard to plan what clothes to wear recently...it goes from frosty practically to hot!

My son in Iraq just let me know yesterday that he MIGHT get a short furlough in August. That would be so great to have him home for a short time! We haven't seen him since before Christmas and he is in terrible area. His daughter will be 2 in July and she is learning to talk. I hope she recognizes him!

Have a wonderful week, Jen.

Carol Shegrud <shegdude@gvtel.com>
Bagley, MN - Tuesday, June 8, 2004 8:10 AM CDT

Hey Jen, am glad you and the kids had fun at the camper (despite the weather you had). I am glad to hear that Chad's gravestone is in place and that the memorial will soon be up. I, for one, would love to see a picture of the memorial as it may be quite a while before I get back there and am able to see it for myself. Love to all of you!
Stephanie Wilcox <GreyTigrrr@comcast.net>
Springfield, OR - Tuesday, June 1, 2004 3:34 PM CDT

Jenn: I like the new opening...the butterflies. I hope Tate has seen it as they are his favorite "bug". I know he'd smile to see them by Chad's pic. We just came from cemetery. You can tell the wind really blew there last PM, but roses in vase look great. I hope Pat & Myrtle approve of us putting their remembrance into it. We left a smaller arrangement today...of course, purple and gold colors! Am hoping you've had good visit w/Pam & John...even w/wet weather. We send our love/like God's, it is with you 24/7. Love mom h
mom h <lkhanson@lakesplus.com>
- Sunday, May 30, 2004 2:08 PM CDT

Hi jen, just wanted you to know I still check this often and love to hear how you and the kids are doing. Love you much.
Jamie <pandorra@prtel.com>
- Thursday, May 27, 2004 8:56 PM CDT

Hey Jen Its Chalsey, Just thought I'd let you know that I still look at the page often and it's so nice to hear how you guys are doing! Im so glad that you are moving on and that the kids are doing great. You guys have been through alot and I just wanted to let you knwo that you are still in my thoughts and prayers!
Chalsey Hanson <your_friend2001@hotmail.com>
Ashby, MN US - Wednesday, May 26, 2004 7:03 PM CDT

Hey Jen! I haven't written in a while; however, that doesn't mean I haven't been checking in. Time has gone by quickly, but that's just further evidence that you've gone on living, which is what Chad wanted for you and the kids. I imagine you and the kids will have a great time enjoying the summer - just keep those of us who are workin' hard in mind while you're enjoying the sunshine and fun days. :-) I'm happy to read that you're doing well and look forward to more updates. Love to all, Steph

Stephanie Wilcox <GreyTigrrr@comcast.net>
Springfield, OR - Wednesday, May 26, 2004 2:54 PM CDT

Jen:

Yesterday when I left my office, I got up and looked down at my office chair....there was a penny just sitting there. I had to laugh and think of Chad.

Carol <shegdude@gvtel.com>
Bagley, MN - Tuesday, May 25, 2004 7:30 AM CDT

Good morning, Jen!

The sun is shining, the wind is gentle...the beginning of a new week.

Can't believe that the graduation is over, the party was wonderful (DJ was awesome), and last child (#9) is now "officially" an adult.

The party was really for ME! LOL. I have now completed all the training for those kids...37 years of mothering with child/children in my home. I am excited for this next chapter in my life. Now I can be just "grandma" and not be instructing and trying to organize someone else. It's time to get organized myself!

There are lots of things I would like to do, and I plan on trying them all when the time and opprtunity permits.

I hope and pray that your week goes beautifully, Jen. I'm sure you're planning a great summer with the kids. School for just another week there in Bemidji, I believe.

With love and prayers,

Carol <shegdude@gvtel.com>
Bagley, MN - Monday, May 24, 2004 8:43 AM CDT

Once again, I'm getting caught up w/entries. And once again, you amaze me w/your words...& the tears that come to my eyes. Your awakening words have been taken to heart. It was a good weekend, hope you enjoyed yours. Thank you to all who continue to share words. I know the "hi's" bring strength, support comes in many diff. ways. Bless you and the kids, Jenn. God loves you & so do we. mom h
mom h <lkhanson@lakesplus.com>
- Sunday, May 23, 2004 10:20 PM CDT

Jen:

I am going to take your advice. I am going home to hug my hubby. It's his birthday today.

Today I went to the funeral of my son's best friend's father, who died at age 51 unexpectedly. Although I didn't know this man, his son was part of my life and since my son is in Iraq and couldn't be there I went in his stead. This poor young man lost his mother to cancer less than a year ago. So I understand your advice to not take things for granted and to make every moment count.

Your attitude is great and full of courage and determination. I so like that about you. You are not having a constant "pity party" (even though you qualify to do so).

Happy Anniversary Memories, Jen. You have many and that's so good.

Hope you find a penney at McD's tonight!!

Carol

Carol Shegrud <shegdude@gvtel.com>
Bagley, Mn - Tuesday, May 18, 2004 6:01 PM CDT

thought of you today and God Bless, grandma and grandpa
LeVonne Hanson <arlev@prtel.com>
Dalton, Mn - Tuesday, May 18, 2004 8:08 AM CDT

Hi Jen. I know we haven't talked much but I think of you often. My sympathies to you on Chad's passing. You know that almost 3 years ago I lost my father to cancer and now in April I also lost my grandfather (my dad's father) to cancer as well. I keep you in my prayers and bless you and your little ones. My 2 oldest daughters remember their grandfather and great-grandfather but my daughter born this January will never have the pleasure of knowing these 2 wonderful men. I know they look down on us from heaven and I know that Chad is also looking down on you, Tate and Kiah. Bless you in all you do, you are a very strong woman and I commend you for that.
MaryJo (Nitschke) Lindquist <creekview@lakesplus.com>
Wadena, MN - Saturday, May 15, 2004 9:22 PM CDT

Jenn: I realized today almost a month since I have turned computer on. I now understand those quiet moments & stares you had during the garage sale. It is sooo great to read all the memos. I know the support is special for you. You have been on my mind much...thinking of the 18th. I know it will be a day of remembering...just remember Chad is watching over you and sharing the same memories. My prayer is for smiles to cross your face, not tears. For your heart not to remember sorrow, but joy that Chad doesn't struggle any more. But most of all for you to hug and get hugged back ...Tate & Kiah are Chad's carriers of his love.
We love you much. mom h

mom h <lkhanson@lakesplus.com>
- Thursday, May 13, 2004 6:37 PM CDT

Jen! Congrats! You did it! Woo hoo! Way to go! And to get "twirled" on top of it! LOL.

Today we had a huge rainstorm around Bagley....you probably did there too.

School is almost out...can't believe graduation for #9 child is on the 22nd.

You mentioned the 18th being yours and Chad's anniversary...it's also my hubby's birthday.

Have a great rest of the week.

Carol Shegrud <shegdude@gvtel.com>
- Tuesday, May 11, 2004 2:40 PM CDT

Hi, Jen! I haven't written in awhile....been on the run a lot. But of course I check in anyway. How nice that you feel good with the weight loss and a better energy level. The pictures are so adorable.....

Camping should be a nice change of pace for the family. It will probably be hard the first few times without Chad....I'm trusting you will do your usual "get on with life" focus and plunge full force into all the new "firsts". I will pray that God will sustain you and bring new friends and opportunities for you to experience.

And, as always, you are in the hearts and prayers of many. More people that you could ever know in this lifetime have lifted you and the children before the Throne of God, and I know that God will use you to bless many others.

Love,

Carol Shegrud <shegdude@gvtel.com>
Bagley, MN - Monday, May 10, 2004 7:26 PM CDT

JAZZ,
YOU HAVE A WONDERFUL LOOKING FAMILY. YOU LOOK LIKE A VERY STRONG PERSON. IT IS NICE TO SEE WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE WHEN I READ YOUR MAIL ON PROVIDERS CHOICE..GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR FAMILY.
FLUFFYCAT
Faith <mnelson@rconnect.com>
Cannon Falls, mn - Wednesday, May 5, 2004 1:38 PM CDT

Jen - CONGRATULATIONS! I knew you were losing weight and quite a bit of it, but didn't realize you had lost so much of it already. I'm very proud of you. Love to all of you, Happy Mother's Day in advance!

Stephanie Wilcox <GreyTigrrr@comcast.net>
Springfield, OR - Tuesday, May 4, 2004 5:47 PM CDT

Your pictures are great. They are such beautiful children. Blessed are those close to us. We just had family pictures taken. They did a white background. My sister picked up the proofs today. She said it will be hard to pick. You guys looked like you had fun doing it. I hope things are going good for you. Still on my mind and in my prayers. Take care. Hug and kiss those little people twice. Keep the faith.
Paula <mpolson@loretel.net>
- Monday, May 3, 2004 8:04 PM CDT

Jennifer: Wonderful pictures of you and the kids. You look great!! Tate looks so grown and Kiah looks so sweet.
Sure wish we lived closer so I could share in their lives. But...it is too blessed cold for me to live in MN again!! Poor Mike gets so cold here -- he would never survive a MN winter (with or without snow). Give everyone our best. Hugs to all. Love, Aunt Debbie
Debbie Barker <TopBranch@aol.com>
Springfield, OR - Sunday, May 2, 2004 11:10 PM CDT

Hi, Jen. What a great set of pictures!!! You should all have been sitting on giant pennies, however! (Wouldn't that be cute picture???)

I loved that "author unknown" piece. How true how true! We always seem to gravitate toward me me me. And that puts things right in perspective.

I'm so glad that you are all looking beautiful, and looking "up". God bless you this day and always.

P.S. I think you should get a copper-colored puppy and name her "Penny"

Carol <shegdude@gvtel.com>
Bagley, - Thursday, April 29, 2004 6:10 PM CDT

Jen you look GREAT! I bet you feel as great as you look too! Love you and miss you all. Jamie
Jen's sis <Pandorra@prtel.com>
- Thursday, April 29, 2004 2:30 PM CDT

Great pics! Thanks for sharing them with all of us. I can't believe how much the kids have grown. Hugs to all of you. Steph

Stephanie Wilcox <greytigrrr@comcast.net>
Springfield, OR - Thursday, April 29, 2004 0:04 AM CDT

The new family pictures are beautiful. I am so glad you are moving through Chads loss so well, I wish I were doing as well as you. One step at a time I suppose. And thanks for the cyberhugs!

http://www.caringbridge.org/ga/bradmoss/
Katherine Gasque <kgasque@mindspring.com>
Atlanta, GA - Wednesday, April 28, 2004 5:27 PM CDT

Jen, am glad to hear you are doing well. I really enjoyed your post today, thank you for sharing with us. I look forward to seeing your new family pics - it's the only way I get to see your kids as they grow up since we're so far away. Big hugs to all, remember we love you all. Steph

Stephanie Wilcox <GreyTigrrr@comcast.net>
Springfield, OR - Tuesday, April 27, 2004 12:17 AM CDT

Hi, Jen!

My hubby and son are in HAWAII without me.....called me to tell me of strolling the white sands, dipping in the ocean, watching glorious sunsets. If I could have reached through the phone I would have clobbered him! Just kidding....I'm glad they're having a great time.

I've doubled up my workload with no responsibilities at home while they're gone. The house is staying clean! No towels on the floor! No crumbs anywhere.

Hope your 4-month mark isn't too sad for you, Jen.

Have a good weekend...the weather looks nice out there today.

Carol Shegrud <shegdude@gvtel.com>
Bagley, MN - Saturday, April 24, 2004 9:38 AM CDT

Good morning, Jen. I guess I am late to wish you Happy Birthday.....but I sure do hope it was a good one. Another "first".

I've been pouring through pictures of my youngest son, to put together a picture board for his graduation in May. It brought back so many memories. (Not to mention DUST!).

We went shopping yesterday to get clothes for him and his dad who leave for Hawaii tomorrow morning. A dear friend of ours lost his beloved wife the same day as Chad (she was 37). My hubby and son are going to stay with him for a week. He is stationed in Hawaii. It's been very difficult for him these last few months. He was away from all of his extended family here in Minnesota (he is in Marines) and has had to go through his grieving process without the benefit of loved ones around him.

Your cruise with friends sounds very nice, Jen. I'm sure it will be a great and relaxing time. I'm glad you listened to your inner voice and made the plan. We all need to trust those "voices" more. I think we all know what we need on a deep level but sometimes don't give ourselves permission to listen.

With my family gone this coming week I plan to tie up a lot of loose ends on my cases with no regard for time. It will be nice for me, too, to just concentrate on my families in crisis and not worry about being home at a certain time or feeling guilty when I'm not.

I pray that you have a good week, Jen.

With love and prayers.

Carol Shegrud <shegdude@gvtel.com>
Bagley, MN - Monday, April 19, 2004 7:05 AM CDT

Jennifer: I haven't posted in a long time but wanted to tell you Happy Birthday. Your birthday is one of those days that I will never forget where I was and what I was doing. I was working at Highway Host Restaurant and knew that your mom was in the hospital trying to have you. I kept calling to find out if you had arrived. Grampa was grumpy about your birth because he was "too young to be a grandfather." Everyone was ecstatic when you finally made your appearance, especially your mom and dad. I think your dad was never so nervous or so relieved before or since. You were the first grandchild and you were my first niece...sorta made you special. You are still special. I hope you had a great day and made wonderful memories. Love to all. Aunt Debbie
Debbie Barker <TopB ranch@aol.com>
Springfield, OR - Thursday, April 15, 2004 8:56 PM CDT

Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday Dear Jennifer, Happy Birthday to you!!!!
Love and think of you lots, Bets
Elizabeth Nelson <cnelson@prtel.com>
fergus falls, mn - Wednesday, April 14, 2004 10:58 PM CDT

Jenn: Read the update...I know Sat. was a very mixed emotions day...yet, a good one. So many well wishes for your Easter, it's great to read of the support. "Happy Birthday" a few hours early-so all readers can be informed also:) I will say special prayer for Tate & Kiah...their adjustments will continue...we are here for anything. Hugs & more hugs to all of you. Love, mom H
mom h <lkhanson@lakesplus.com>
- Wednesday, April 14, 2004 9:48 PM CDT

Good morning, Jen. I was sure I would see an entry in your journal telling me of easter baskets loaded with PENNIES or some such story. Reading your journals is like picking up a book that you love and wanting to read more. You have such a gift for writing your thoughts. Your journal will be so valuable and wonderful for your children later on.

Anyway, I trust and pray that you spent Easter with your loving family and were not too sad.

I learned on Sunday that two soldiers in my son's area were killed in Iraq. The building where the soldies go for their meals was bombed and they were trying to attack the radar tracker (that my son is one of the operators of). It started to hit home that he is in terrible danger. A couple of prayers directed his way would be appreciated by this mom.

It's time to start yard work, I see. The little things that were left about here and there are now uncovered by the snow.

I hope your week goes smoothly and that you enjoy your babies.

Carol Shegrud <shegdude@gvtel.com>
Bagley, MN - Tuesday, April 13, 2004 8:27 AM CDT

Gosh, I am embarrassed to see that it has been a month since I was on and wrote. You are on my mind and hoping all is going okay for you. Tough times to be alone--especially a single mom. Doing it all makes a huge difference. Take your time--it will come. Blessings to you this Easter as we celebrate the resurrection of Christ. Blessings to your kids. Always on my mind and prayers from the heart. Hug and kiss your kids twice. Keep finding those pennies from heaven.
Paula <mpolson@loretel.net>
- Saturday, April 10, 2004 9:59 PM CDT

Good morning, Jen. Happy Easter to you and your babies. I'm sure the Easter Bunny will be dropping around the Martinson home.

Our singing group will be singing at the Good Friday service in Bagley tonight (all-community service...most churches participating). I think in addition to my regular church offering, I will include a gleaming penny in the plate and say a special prayer for you guys.

Today is my father-in-law's birthday also.

From what your mom wrote a couple of days ago, it looks as though there's a family plan for Easter. So have a great day with your mom and dad and whoever else joins you. God bless you on His most special holiday.....the resurrection. This gives us the hope and confidence that our bodies, too, will be resurrected and we will see those that we love that have left us in time. This is a great comfort and hope.

Enjoy your weekend, Jen. Thinking of you.

Carol Shegrud <shegdude@gvtel.com>
Bagley, MN - Friday, April 9, 2004 8:03 AM CDT

Good morning!

Just a funny note from yesterday. I was going frantically through some paperwork at my office, sorting things as I went, and right in the middle of my stack of papers a shiny penny just was sitting there! How a penny could have gotten there is beyond me! (heh heh, Chad has such a sense of humor!!)

Thought I would share my penny story!

Have a great day, Jen.

Carol Shegrud <shegdude@gvtel.com>
Bagley, MN - Tuesday, April 6, 2004 8:36 AM CDT

Jenn: Just read your update...I know you will always multi-task well:) For those who don't know: Chad did not handle heights well! Jenn has been the "roof crawler" for many yrs.
Pennies From Heaven...never knew the words before/thank you Carol. I will say a prayer for Keith & Val. My warmest thought is that some of the things Chad endured will help them share a long life together. Somewhere out there is the key. See you for Easter. Hugs for all of you. Love, mom H
mom H <lkhanson@ lakesplus.com>
- Tuesday, April 6, 2004 8:18 AM CDT

Hi, Jen. Your weekend made me dizzy! Your talk of how you did the lawn etc. (things you had never had to really worry about before) made me remember when my first husband left me with four children under 7. I had to leave our home (couldn't afford it) and go from stay at home mom to working mom. My baby was 1 1/2 years old; only one child was in school. When I moved to my scaled down house, I had to install a stupid paper towel holder under the cabinet. I am NOT handy with any kind of tool except a typewriter. I installed said paper towel holder (a little bit crooked, I confess!) and probably am prouder of that accomplishment than anything else I had ever done. I think it was very symbolic. It was a small thing as stuff goes....but I had never had to worry about or do those kinds of things. It was the beginning of realizing that I was alone (except for the kids) and had to start re-defining "me" and "family".

Each new thing you do that Chad used to do will be an affirming realization that you can function, you WILL function, and things will get done. And even if it's not as well done as when Chad did it.....you will find satisfaction in each new accomplishment.

Enjoy the beginning of spring. I hope it's the beginning of many new challenges and satisfactions for you, Jen. I'm so glad that you're "moving and shaking", and being the woman you are. You are amazing.

Carol Shegrud <shegdude@gvtel.com>
Bagley, MN - Monday, April 5, 2004 10:04 AM CDT

Jen - I continue to check your website regularly. I am glad that you are doing well; you seemed like you always handled things with your head high. During Keith's really tough times, people often asked how I did it. I would just reply that you do the things you need to do to get through each day. I feel like I know your feelings. We are very lucky that Keith is doing well now. We are almost at the 6 months mark from his stem cell transplant. I still pray for continued good health. I hope to meet you one day.
Valerie Kozlowski <kozlowskikvkk@comcast.net>
Baltimore, MD USA - Sunday, April 4, 2004 7:03 PM CDT

The words to Pennies from Heaven (that Frank Sinatra sang)are:

Lyrics:
Every time it rains, it rains
pennies from heaven
Don't you know each cloud contains
pennies from heaven?

You'll find your fortune's fallin'
all over the town
Be sure that your umbrella
is upside down

Trade them for a package of
sunshine and flowers
If you want the things you love,
you must have showers

So, when you hear it thunder,
don't run under a tree
There'll be pennies from heaven for you and me

I had to look up the words to that song after hearing Sue tell of yet another "heavenly penny" from Chad!

Have a great day!

Carol Shegrud <shegdude@gvtel.com>
Bagley, MN - Saturday, April 3, 2004 1:21 PM CST

Jenn: When I was in FF today, I stopped @ gravesite. The stand still stands w/Viking colors! I brought silk flowers (of course, purple) & an Easter chick mounted on a spring to catch the wind. Hopefully, soon, they will add more dirt and ready things for green grass. Of course, there was a penny on the ground/I just smiled & left it. See you tomorrow. Love mom
mom h <lkhanson@lakesplus.com>
- Friday, April 2, 2004 8:08 PM CST

Good morning, Jen.

The sun is pouring through my windows and the wind is calm outside. I made my coffee with ground beans and am lazily checking out the news online before I "start" my day. Almost every day I check your site and send up prayers for you and the family.

I'm sure Tate and Kiah are getting restless to be leaping and playing outside with the weather warming up. I will be glad when all the mud dries up and it's not so messy outside.

I'm off to Roseau for a few cases for a couple of days. It works out better to stay overnight at an inexpensive motel and do a lot of interviewing and fact gathering rather than drive there twice. It would cost my clients more for me to drive separately twice than stay over. I try to organize lots of appointments while I'm there to spread out the costs to the families.

I wish I had a laptop, but since I don't I will have computer withdrawals for a couple of days. When I get back on Friday night I get my 20 month granddaughter for the weekend while her mom goes to Fargo for a hair stylist show. She is at the beauty school in Bemidji now (her hubby is the one serving in Kosovo). She has used some of my other daughters as "models".....I keep teasing her that she should take on her old mother-in-law! (Maybe JEN has already told her what a crotchety customer I am!!!!)

Anyway, have a peaceful and enjoyable "week's end" and weekend, Jen.

Thinking and praying for you...

Carol Shegrud <shegdude@gvtel.com>
Bagley, MN - Thursday, April 1, 2004 7:07 AM CST

Jenn: It has been over a wk since I updated myself. This cold/sinus thing hangs on, but you know "you can't keep a good woman down"! That really applies to you...We are looking forward to Tate's BD celebration/got the movie today on my noon break. As Carol writes, you are a product of the love & strength you & Chad shared. I nor anyone else will grieve the same, and surely none will grieve as you. We all knew Chad in different ways...thus the differences. That session we attended really stressed that.
When you're asked how you are, it's no insinuation you should be doing something different. It's just love,concern & support if you need it. Love you and see you soon. mom h
mom h
- Tuesday, March 30, 2004 9:26 PM CST

Jen, just read your latest post. I had read that story before, but I think it's one that we all need to be reminded of every now and then. I also just read Carol's post in the guestbook from 3/24 and I could not possibly agree with her more. You and the kids are often in my thoughts and it's good to hear updates and that you're all doing well. Love to all of you, Steph

Stephanie Wilcox <GreyTigrrr@comcast.net>
Springfield, OR - Monday, March 29, 2004 2:25 PM CST

Just a good morning note here on Monday.....hope you have a great week, Jen! I noticed that it snowed last night....thought we might have been done with that season, but I guess not.

I'm off to court this morning (pretty usual on a Monday). The human stories that are represented in some of my cases are incredible. Some people live lives of terrible sadness and futility. It just breaks my heart how kids are with parents who are not protecting them or caring for them as they should. You don't know the horror stories until you work with them day by day. I'm glad that my family did not live their tales.....that even though things might have been difficult at times they always knew they were loved and they always had a place to be that was comfortable.

Have great week, Jen.

Carol <shegdude@gvtel.com>
Bagley, MN - Monday, March 29, 2004 7:41 AM CST

Jen.....I do not think many people "pity" you in the sense that you are weak and helpless, etc. Courage is not callousness. You are right...you had a long time to deal with the loss of Chad. You "lost" him the first time the threat of death was put out there right in the beginning. You knew the statistics weren't good for his type of cancer. You began the process of "concurrent planning". You did everything possible to allow a healing by finding out everything you needed to know to fight the cancer. Then as things moved along, you planned with Chad what needed to be done "just in case". Then you became more and more aware that it wasn't going to get better and continued with the realization (somewhere inside of you) that Chad was going to leave this earthly life. Chad helped you with that process....he allowed you to experience his coming death by making it open for conversation. You were a couple even in this most unpleasant part of life. I think you can thank Chad for his being forthright and open with you. You had the support of the one you would be missing. He was absolutely a special person to love you so much that he put you ahead of his own sadness and grief. You dealt together with the unbearable future. I believe this gave you great strength. Chad didn't lie to you or make you lie to him about the situation. You faced his death together. I think this is why the anger part of grieving didn't take hold of you. His last gift to you was supporting you and making sure that you knew he wanted a bright future for you. He did not want or expect you to be morbidly focused on death.

I am so glad to know that you have a very healthy view of this business of letting go of what "was" (while not forgetting or minimizing)and turning towards what "will be".

Three months can be a lifetime. Hurray for you, Jen. You are showing Chad just the kind of woman he loved and married. He would be so proud of you.

Raise a cup of cheer and toast "to Chad". We will all join you in heart.

Carol Shegrud <shegdude@gvtel.com>
Bagley, MN - Wednesday, March 24, 2004 1:34 PM CST

Hey Jen, I haven't posted on here for a while, but I have been checking it to see how you're doing. I really liked your message today and am more than happy to know how well you are handling everything. Life is never "easy" under the best of circumstances, and you were dealt an unfair hand; however, you're making the best of it and will come out ahead in the end. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I am proud to be related to you. You've packed a lot of life and a lot of emotion into the last few years and have handled it all in a better fashion than any of us could have imagined. Please keep in touch, I do enjoy hearing from you. Take care.
Stephanie Wilcox <GreyTigrrr@comcast.net>
Springfield, OR - Wednesday, March 24, 2004 9:58 AM CST

Good morning, Jen. Yesterday found me coughing, sneezing, and blowing my nose along with nasty sore throat. I think last week was so busy for me that I got run down and caught the first cold that passed my way.

I finally sent a huge package to my son in Iraq on Monday. He says that it is such a boost when a soldier receives something (anything) from home.

Hopefully, Jen, you are staying with the waves of sadness that must overtake you from time to time during this grieving time. The strangest things sometimes happen when we are grieving.....things sneak up on us and explode. Then we have fairly "normal" days. I hope and pray that your days are balanced enough for you not to experience overwhelming feelings too often.

You are marching forward with a plan, and that always helps. Being in a puddle can prevent one from any movement. I know it must seem that "how can the world keep going on and on without Chad here?". But, of course, Chad IS here. He is here in so many ways. Of course, in the children....but also in the pattern of your very thoughts. When you two became "one" you connected in a way that merged you in a special way to Chad. You will always experience life filtered through Chad to some degree.

I pray for your tough days, and for the sadness you experience when you look at your children and feel wounded that they will feel their father's loss again and again. But you will keep their dad's memory and being alive for them, and they will take comfort in that.

I was just picturing Kiah's wedding....and I saw the flower girl sprinkling petals and pennies down the aisle!

Have a good day, Jen. Have many good days. God bless you.

Carol Shegrud <shegdude@gvtel.com>
Bagley, MN - Wednesday, March 24, 2004 6:49 AM CST

JENN: I had not ck'd the site for a wk/wish I had. It was good to spend the day w/everyone...though dad & I could tell it was working on your mind to be elsewhere @ times. How "good memories" can sometimes make a person sad, doesn't seem fair. Other times, the comfort we seek can ONLY be found there. We know March, April & May are going to be very challenging for you...please let us be there for you. You are NOT expected to be strong...you are expected to be you/loving & feeling. I love you. MOM H
mom H <lkhanson@lakesplus.com>
- Sunday, March 21, 2004 7:32 PM CST

Hi, Jen. Your latest journal entry was so moving. How fun that a penny was lurking to remind you of Chad and his love for you and the family. I have been out of town this week and last night on my way home from the Cities' I stopped in Clear Lake for a restroom break. I found a penny on the floor right in front of the only stall available. Of course I immediately thought of Chad!

The wind is just howling this morning! The road to my house is muddy with ruts causing my car to jerk this way and that. I don't like this time of the year when the roads are unpredictable!

Have a great weekend, Jen. Today I am going to my grandson's hockey tournament, and then tonight to my son's ex-fiance's wedding in Detroit Lakes. She was very close to our family and even though she and my son parted, it was respectfully and caringly done. She lost her own mother when she was 6 years old, her father at age 17. We all "adopted" each other and feel very close to her. I am so happy that she found someone that she can love with all her heart and be loved back. She is in her 30's.

Time to unpack and get ready for my day. Hope yours is great!

You are always in my thoughts and prayers.

Carol Shegrud <shegdude@gvtel.com>
Bagley, MN - Saturday, March 20, 2004 9:33 AM CST

Hi, Jen! Yes the picture in the paper was adorable! What fun to have that to add to your memory pages. Are you a scrap-booker?

I was so excited to be able to see my son on web-cam from Iraq last week. It was good to be able to see his face. His wife has one too and he is able to peek at his daughter now and then. His wife just started beauty school and is enjoying it very much. Maybe she can learn to "torture" people, too, Jen, just like you used to torture me! You can give her hints on how to squirt that ice cold water on her clients.....lol.

I have been doing lots of traveling recently but I always check in on the site to see how things are going. I'm certainly glad to know your outlook is a positive, forward-moving one.

Love and prayers to you, Jen, and to your family.

Carol Shegrdu <shegdude@gvtel.com>
Bagley, MN USA - Sunday, March 14, 2004 8:12 AM CST

What a wonderful picture of you and the kids. I am glad to hear you are doing well.
S Friedrich <samf36@yahoo.com>
- Thursday, March 11, 2004 3:15 PM CST

Jen: I'm hoping somehow you can post the paper picture for everyone to see. Of all the people there, you gotta know there was a "helping hand" for the 3 of you to be printed in paper. Every time I come to CB, my eyes are drawn to Chad's eyes. His photo shows his blue eyes in a way that makes you feel like he's acknowledging your presence. It feels real, a little sad, & yet "good" down in my heart. Wish I could hug you right now...Love you all, mom h
mom h <lkhanson@lakesplus.com>
- Wednesday, March 10, 2004 9:42 PM CST

Jen - am glad to read that you're doing well. As in most things, we don't realize how good something (or someone) is until it (they) are gone. Although we all know you loved Chad with all of your heart and knew him better than probably anyone, it is wonderful to know that even now you're still learning about him. Let's hope those little surprises will keep popping up for years to come. I am so glad that he was able to bring such a positive influence and steadiness into your life and help to bring 2 miracles into your life (the miracles would be, of course, Tate and Kiah). You've been blessed in a special way that we can all only hope to experience. Love to all of you.
Stephanie Wilcox <GreyTigrrr@comcast.net>
Springfield, OR - Wednesday, March 3, 2004 2:59 PM CST

I hope things are going well with you. I just wanted you to know that there are thoughts and prayers continuing your way on a daily basis. Each day is a new day that the Lord has given us. Keep the faith, Jen. Hug and kiss those little angels twice.
Paula <mpolson@loretel.net>
- Tuesday, March 2, 2004 5:06 PM CST

Jenn: Just want to tell you I'm thinking of you and sending a big hug...pass it on to Tate & Kiah & tell them it's from me. I love you very much. Love, mom h
mom h <lkhanson@lakesplus. com>
- Monday, March 1, 2004 7:31 PM CST

Jen: I'm sure Chad watched Sat. with a smile. Not just the sight of you sidideling across icey road, but that of "both" families working & playing together as one BIG family..Tate & Kiah will always "know" all their family. Chad...this one WAS for you. Love, mom h
mom h <lkhanson@lakesplus.com>
- Tuesday, February 24, 2004 7:45 PM CST

Saturday was such a beautiful day. Am so happy it was such a success. That is so awesome for the kids. I know Chad was looking down on all of it. Smiling huge. I hope all is going well for you. Remember to take that time just for Jen. You are important. Hug and Kiss those little people twice. Always on my mind and forever in my heart. Prayers to you. Keep the faith.
Paula <mpolson@loretel.net>
- Monday, February 23, 2004 8:19 AM CST

Hey Jen, am glad to hear that the snowmobile ride was such a great success. Sorry to hear you bruised yourself up though - although it's good that you didn't hurt yourself worse. I'm very happy that we got to chat a little the other day and you'll continue to be in my thoughts. Take care of yourself and please let me know how you're doing.
Stephanie Wilcox <greytigrrr@comcast.net>
Springfield, OR - Sunday, February 22, 2004 12:02 AM CST

Hi, Jen and family.

I am so disappointed that my family didn't get to participate in the snowmobile run yesterday. First of all, my son's snowmobile was broken down and he was frantically working on it. Then he had a mishap and ended up with torn ligaments and a sprained ankle so he could do nothing. Then our dog that we have had for at least 14-15 years died. And another friend lost their life at a tender age this week. We were very distracted Saturday. I'm so glad it went well!!!

I think the annual idea is great....

Mom H., I wanted so to visit with you Saturday!

Jen, sorry that you bruised yourself up but glad you weren't seriously hurt.

It seems like the weather cooperated too.

Have a great day recovering from your run. Prayers and hugs are sent your way.

Carol Shegrud <shegdude@gvtel.com>
Bagley, MN USA - Sunday, February 22, 2004 7:59 AM CST

Will see you tonight. Hope you have a good day. I know you've been very busy getting ready for tomorrow. Linda & Jo are sending bars with me. They think of you & kids often...as do alot of other people. Love you lots, mom h
mom h <lkhanson@lakesplus.com>
- Friday, February 20, 2004 7:37 AM CST

Jenn- We will not be able to come to Bemidji on Sat. but all of you will be in our thoughts. I hope you have a beautiful day and I'm sure Chad will be watching over each and every one of you. Take Care and you are in our prayers. Bets
Elizabeth Nelson <cnelson@prtel.com>
Fergus Falls, mn - Wednesday, February 18, 2004 10:41 PM CST

HI Jen: It is such a heart hurt to read of others Dx & knowing what decisions lay ahead of them. I know your heart is open & big. You will write every one of them who are looking for inspiration & hope to grasp onto...you have much to share. As they write, I remember them in my prayers. I just sent a thank you to VFW in FF...hoping they will print in members newsletters. So many prayers & much support out there to be thankful for. I'm thankful that your grieving is followed by peace and the wonderful memories that you & Chad made together. I have to tell you Chad was on my mind when we stayed in Tx. There are thousands of rear-wheel drive Astros down there & it made me smile:) (for those who don't know: this is inside joke between Chad & me...this was my most favorite vehicle & the most worthless vehicle Chad could ever imagine selling). We will see you on Saturday, I know the day will be perfect. Love mom H
mom H <lkhanson@lakesplus.com>
- Sunday, February 15, 2004 10:26 PM CST

I want to express my deepest sympathy for you and your family. My husband who is 30 years old has DSRCT and boy has it chnaged our lives. We have a 3 year old little girl who is the love of our lives. Your husband seemed to me a strong man. This has been a tough year and I can only imagine for you. I pray for your strength right now. If you have any spare time. I would like to hear from you.
Jerrila Paul
Louisville, KY USA - Wednesday, February 11, 2004 1:59 PM CST

GOOD FOR YOU, JENNIFER!! You gave yourself permission to cry hard and then went ahead and did it. It's cleansing, isn't it? Then you got up and got on with your life. I'm proud of you ... for not wallowing in sorrow and for recognizing that you need time for you. You were a wife and you are a mother but you are also a woman and a person who has emotions, feelings, wants and needs. I'm loving your independent spirit ... you go, girl. Love you. Hugs to all. Aunt Debbie (OOOOH RAAAH!!)
Debbie Barker <TopBranch@aol.com>
Springfield, OR - Monday, February 9, 2004 10:26 PM CST

Hi, Jen.

You curled up in a little ball and felt such an overwhelming sense of loss. It's amazing that something like the garbage duty can break loose all the sorrow that is sitting backed up in there. I'm glad you were able to cry, and that you were also able to have a good day the next day anyway.

The new pictures are ADORABLE.!! What a great idea. Love that engagement "do" that Chad had! (Did you do it??)

How many are signed up for the snowmobile fund-raiser??

Please know, Jen, that there are many who are praying for you and yours daily....asking God to hold you and keep you safe.

Hope you have a wonderful week!

Carol Shegrud <shegdude@gvtel.com>
Bagley, MN - Sunday, February 8, 2004 5:12 PM CST

Hi jen just checking up on you. We love you and think of you alot. I try to get out to see chad at least once a week. And I can see that other people are doing the same by the foot prints in the snow. It is so peaceful and beautiful out there.
Well just take it one day at a time and remember all the good times. Chad will always be with you in everything you and the kids do. I love you and we will have to get together soon Brenden can't wait to play with Kiah again. He asks for her alot. Lots of Love your sis.
Jamie <Pandorra@prtel.com>
- Thursday, February 5, 2004 6:32 PM CST

Jenn: I like the new border of hearts. It makes me feel good to see the new stuff you come up with. It shows your mind is not stuck in the doldrums, every day holds new smiles & ideas. Love, mom
mom h <lkhanson@lakeplus.com>
- Wednesday, February 4, 2004 8:47 PM CST

Jenn: I still don't know how you do what you do w/babies, but you always were one to love "BABYsitting". I'm sure you missed your regulars, but time has a way of changing things even when we cannot imagine the possibilities. I know Kiah had wonderful playmates & for that I feel bad, too. I'm hoping you enjoyed the day today, & that tomorrow brings many smiles. God loves you...so do dad & I. mom h
mom h <lkhanson@lakesplus.com>
- Tuesday, February 3, 2004 7:22 PM CST

My deepest sympathy to you and your family. I came across your site while researching for info on DSRCT. My fiance', who is only 23 was diagnosed in May of last year. He has since been through 6 mths of chemo and just had surgery three weeks ago to remove tumors. They were unable to remove all of them so he is going to have to go through more chemo and possibly radiation. He also is being treated at Mayo clinic in Rochester MN. They are absolutely wonderful there! Derek, who was a full time student, working at least 40 hrs. a week, in the Army reserves, and spending every spare second he had with me, though that he had pulled a muscle in his back around Nov. 2002. They treated him for everything from a pulled muscle, to ulcers, to depression. Finally in May of 2003 he became jondice and they recomended Mayo. There they diagnosed his as having DSRCT. He currently is doing very well. He still experiences back pain, and is recovering from the surgery but his spirits are well, considering. We have definatly grown as a couple through all of this. He is the strongest man I know and has been such an insperation to his family, friends, and to me. I have developed an incredible respect for him and I know he will fight until this is all over. If all goes well we are hoping to get married in fall of 2005.
You sound like a remarkable woman. Stay strong and keep your faith. you will see Chad again one day!
Sara Fiscus <sarafiscus@juno.com>
Terre Haute, IN USA - Tuesday, February 3, 2004 10:17 AM CST

Jen - WOW! What a great entry! Sounds like you have a handle on things and are thinking clearly on what you like and what you need to do for you and the kids.

I agree that summers off will be a great way to connect (without distractions) with Tate and Kiah. They will need a double dose of you and how perfect to take the time in the summers to do things with the kids.

You sound upbeat and focused. That's so encouraging! I'm sure it's a different grieving process when someone dies unexpectedly than when they have cancer......you've had some time to grieve as he was sick. Of course I don't mean that you're not grieving still.....I just know that when my brother in law died young from cancer, his wife had gone through a good portion of the process prior to his actual death. (He was sick for over 3 years). She was not in that stunned place that people get into when it's an accident and there has been no mental preparation at all.

It was a great Super Bowl last night. I don't EVER watch football but our pastor had a superbowl party for the youth at his house and we went along for fun. I didn't know (or care) anything about the teams but the game was very interesting. Luckily the pastor turned OFF the set prior to the half-time show...that would have been embarrassing to be in his living room with all these boys and have Janet Jackson's exhibition in front of us all!

Hope you are blessed richly this week, Jen. Enjoy your little daycare little ones.

Love,

Carol <shegdude@gvtel.com>
Bagley, MN - Monday, February 2, 2004 4:51 PM CST

I am sending prayers your way. I hope all is going forward at your house. Continued strength is yours. Remember it is ok to "let go" sometimes too. We had a few heating problems this week. It was 40 degrees on our main floor most of the week. Yeah for heat. It is strange how we take things for granted. We lived on our second floor and just came down here to get meals quick. Thank goodness there is a bathroom upstairs. Ha I think of you often and continue to send prayers your way. Wishing you peace and comfort. Hug and kiss those little angels twice. Keep the faith.
Paula <mpolson@loretel.net>
- Sunday, February 1, 2004 5:07 PM CST

Dear Jennifer (and family),
Hi, I'm Willa, Greg Orgel's cousin. Since I check Greg's site frequently, I came upon your and Chad's story as well. I was not aware of his passing until yesterday when I was talking to Beth. I just want to tell you how sorry I am. Anyone who goes through this is an inspiration. You, your family, and especially Chad are in my best thoughts that he is resting peacefully.
xo,
Willa Jaffe <skwannej@hotmail.com>
Philadelphia, PA USA - Sunday, February 1, 2004 3:45 PM CST

HI: Want you to know that you are being remembered alot today. It's a day that usually meant "gathering" to watch the game & rate the commercials. Remember the day with a smile, as Chad would've wanted you to share w/you. Love you and will call later today. love, mom h
mom h <lkhanson@lakesplus.com>
- Sunday, February 1, 2004 11:06 AM CST

Jenn: Just got caught up on entries. Am thinking of you, will call later. Suppose you have house full w/school canceled. This NOT why I live in MN! After my entry, now everyone knows out illiterate I am w/computer:) With listed advice, I will attempt to change address & send to Jordan. I know your drive, & you have the words w/much research behind them, to support others. May they accept w/TLC all you're able to share. I love you much. Tate & Kiah...hugs & kisses from GrandmaXOXOXO mom H
mom h <lkhanson@lakesplus.com>
- Friday, January 30, 2004 8:42 AM CST

Jordan's father did list how to get to his son's website (ct/jordan) - you substitute that for the mn/chadmartinson in this website's address:
http://www.caringbridge.org/ct/jordan/

Jen - I hope you're still doing well, I imagine you're keeping rather busy. I will be out of town next week and most of the following, but will still check in on the website (am taking my laptop with me). Hugs to all!

Stephanie Wilcox <GreyTigrrr@comcast.net>
Springfield, OR - Thursday, January 29, 2004 2:46 PM CST

Jen:

Thinking of the pennies....yesterday when I got gas I found a penny on the ground and then again I found a penny in front of my office! It was strange! I got goose bumps!

(I usually don't pick up pennies but these I sure did.)

Carol <shegdude@gvtel.com>
- Wednesday, January 28, 2004 9:26 PM CST

Hey Jen - Thanks for last night, it was way appreciated... By the way I found a penny in the hall on my way back from lunch at work today, guess you're not the only one watching out for me and Mom. Stay Warm!!! Hugs and Strength right back at you.
Deb <risberg@paulbunyan.net>
- Wednesday, January 28, 2004 3:37 PM CST

Hi, Jen. Brrrrr it's 26 below zero today and that is cold! Hope you're keeping warm and cozy.

I still haven't motored over to see you and I feel terrible about that. I will, I will!

Mom H., you can directly email Jordan's family (it's on the site) and ask for their site address. I'm sure they would be honored and blessed to have you in their corner. I, too, will add them to my daily prayers. How innocent we are about suffering and grief until it hits personally! We all need to reach out a little more to others who are experiencing pain and loss.

As always, Jen, I think of you and the kids and pray for you. I certainly hope that the snowmobile run won't have weather like we are having today!

Love,

shegdude@gvtel.com <shegdude@gvtel.com>
Bagley, MN - Wednesday, January 28, 2004 11:53 AM CST

Jenn: as I read the new message from Jordan's father, I could feel the frustration. I'm going to include him in my daily prayers. I do not how to access their CB, but am hoping they read your site again. To his parents I send the message to never give up & live every day to the fullest. That is not easy with the decisions that come up or the set-backs. Jordan, you must always remember that many, many people are praying for you. In Chad's case all our prayers were answered, though not every one in the ways we would 1st look for them. Chad left a legasy of treatments, & my prayer is that somewhere in those drug names and the compassion of your Dr.'s is your miracle. May God's healing grace past on to you through your doctor's hands and Chad's journal. God's loves you. mom H
mom H <lkhanson@lakesplus.com>
- Tuesday, January 27, 2004 10:49 PM CST

Hey Jen! As always I am so impressed with how well you are doing. I think it's great that thus far you're not going through the "anger" stage, and God willing you won't. Keep in mind, that to every "rule" there is an exception. Guess you're it! Big surprise, huh? Got your funny "smiley" e-mail the other day, that one never fails to make me laugh. If you ever want to chat, you can always find me on AIM or yahoo messenger. Take care and hugs to all of you. Love, Steph

Stephanie Wilcox <GreyTigrrr@comcast.net>
Springfield, OR - Tuesday, January 27, 2004 9:58 AM CST

Jen,
You don't know me but I'm very sorry for your loss!!! What led me to this sight is my
13yr boy (Jordan) has DSRCT! My wife and I have been searching for anything that would help
him beat this. Jordan also has a caring bridge site it is ( ct/ jordan). I know that there is nothing I can do to ease the pain of such a great loss, but your family is in our prayers.
Bob Marquis

Bob Marquis <robert.marquis@phoenixwm.com>
Bristol , CT USA - Tuesday, January 27, 2004 8:09 AM CST

Jenn: At times I wonder if the grieving has actually started for you. Then, when I hear how you refer to Chad in general conversations, w/only love & laughter in your voice, it doesn't matter. You & Chad nurtured something between the two of you that lives on & on. Tate & Kiah may never comprehend the depth of it, but the warmth is there to help you to three start a new direction in life. It is not a different or entirely new life. It is a new brick on the wall to build strength, and reassurance for the future. I cannot hug you every day, but I know Tate & Kiah do...@ least one of them if from me. Love, mom h
mom h <lkhanson@lakesplus.com>
- Monday, January 26, 2004 7:51 PM CST

Both Anthony and myself send our deepest sympathies to you and your family. We are so sorry to learn of Chad's passing. We hope you are finding solace in the circle of family and friends and may you know that you and your family are in our prayers. God bless you all.
Justine Gaertner <msjustine@shaw.ca>
Edmonton, Ab Canada - Monday, January 26, 2004 1:26 AM CST

Hi Jenn: Just a quick HI to say it was fun to spend the day @ the house yesterday. We stopped before going home & got a toilet/dad & Kevin put it in last night:) How many people get a toilet for their BD?! Keep your faith & trust in the Lord/as you have. I know Chad is watching & is smiling. Love you. mom H

mom h <lkhanson@lakesplus.com>
- Sunday, January 25, 2004 2:37 PM CST

Hi Jennifer: Your journal entries are still sounding positive. I'm glad that your spirit hasn't been dampened. Good idea to start up the daycare again. How do Tate and Kiah feel about that? Tate may be trying to be the "man of the house" and therefore not cry or show his grief/emotions. Maybe you could have one of your male friends talk a little with Tate and express how much he misses Chad, too. Tate might then talk about how he feels. Take care. Hugs to all. Love, Aunt Debbie
Debbie Barker <TopBranch@aol.com>
Springfield, OR - Saturday, January 24, 2004 7:05 PM CST

Good morning, Jen.

It's been a hectic week for me with several new cases to investigate. I love reading your journal, Jen. It is so beautiful the way you express yourself. I really hope it is a healing tool for you through the stabbing days of reality and the numbness you must experience.

Thinking of you, praying for you and the kids. Giving "hugs" via cyberspace until you get another one in person.

Carol Shegrud <shegdude@gvtel.com>
Bagley, MN - Friday, January 23, 2004 7:55 AM CST

Jenn: I'm so proud of you & the way you approach daily life. Tate & Kiah will reflect the change differently because of their ages. As we talked before, Tate is being maybe too strong...or maybe this is normal for his age. Can anyone reading this reflect from personal experience? In time, it will come out, maybe sometime watching old movies or maybe when you spend your 1st day @ the camper... there will be that empty feeling he won't be able to supress. There will be no preparing for it, but with God's love to help you explain, you'll find the right words & the right amount of affection to show. I love you all very much. See you Saturday. Love mom
mom h <lkhanson@lakesplus.com>
- Wednesday, January 21, 2004 11:10 AM CST

Hey Jen, just wanted to say hi and that I'm glad you're doing well. It's natural for all of us to worry about you, as you would do for any of us were we in the same situation. The worry comes from love, love for a daughter, sister, niece, cousin, friend, ... I think you get the point. I am very happy to hear that you're getting all the loose ends tied up and that you'll be starting up daycare again. It was easy to tell how much you enjoyed it. Take care and know that you're loved.

Stephanie Wilcox <GreyTigrrr@comcast.net>
Springfield, OR - Monday, January 19, 2004 9:19 AM CST

Hi, Jen....

It's Sunday. Hope you are doing well this weekend.

The weather has sure been bitterly cold.

I guess since you haven't emailed me, I will just have to surprise you and come and see you when I'm in Bemidji. :)

When I was in court on Friday I was longer than 2 hours so I got a parking ticket for $10.00....kind of made me crabby since I HAVE to be in court for my hearings and I can't really leave to move my car while court is in session. Grrr.

I really am glad that you are feeling okay, though sad. You are being a brave "soldier", keeping things together for the kids.

God is still looking out for you and hugging you from heaven. Your loved ones are doing it from here.

How blessed we are to have people in our lives that care.

Lots of people care for you, Jen.

I'm looking forward to seeing you soon.

Love,

Carol <shegdude@gvtel.com>
Bagley, MN - Sunday, January 18, 2004 8:02 PM CST

Simply, thoughts and prayers always going your way from me. Things sound as if they are adjusting. Take time, Jen. Continue to keep the faith and now more than ever, hug and kiss those angels of yours twice. Always on my mind.
Paula <mpolson@loretel.net>
- Sunday, January 18, 2004 3:27 AM CST

Hi jen just checking on you before bed. Don't worry about other people worring about you. You just do what you need to do. Take as much time as you need and you know if you ever need anything your family is right here to lend a helping hand in any way you might need. We love you and just take it one day at a time for now. (not trying to tell you what to do) I talked to mom today. I wanted to have something made for chads grave site. But mom said it probably wouldn't be able to stay there. Can you check on that for me or tell me who I can talk to about it. I love you and hope to be able to come up and spend some time with you. Your little sis.
Jamie, Travis, Brenden <pandorra@prtel.com>
- Friday, January 16, 2004 11:07 PM CST

Just take one day @ a time. Yes, there is much to think of and even then you won't think of it all:) I'm so thankful school has gone well for Tate. From what you tell me, his teacher is very caring. What a blessing to send him off in the AM to be "cared" for. Love you much. Hugs, mom H
mom h <lkhanson@lakesplus.com>
- Thursday, January 15, 2004 10:02 PM CST

Jen, Tate & Kiah - just a quick note to let you know that all 3 of you are in our thoughts often. I do check the site regularly still to get updates on how you are doing. I'm sure you need some time for yourself, as we all expect, but know that we all love you and like to hear how you are doing. Take care and hugs to all of you.

Stephanie Wilcox <GreyTigrrr@comcast.net>
Springfield, OR - Thursday, January 15, 2004 12:51 AM CST

With thoughts of you. Going to Chads grave and letting it out was good, Jen. Missing him terribly. Pat says "Good times, and there are bad times". If any of us could take it all away and make things good again, we would. Spend time with those you love and time alone. You need both. One of my best friends lost her husband when she was in her 20's to complications of diabetes. Such a difficult thing to go through. Hug and kiss those little angels twice. I told Pat I could help with something the week-end of the 21st. Let her know what Mike and I can do. Keep the faith and let others surround you.
Paula <mpolson@loretel.net>
- Thursday, January 15, 2004 11:39 AM CST

Hi, Jen.

Thinking of you EVERY day and praying for you and your precious babies every night.

I took a look at myself by accident tonight and noticed all the SILVER in my hair...and I remember how you encouraged me to do something about it a couple of years ago. I gave you a lot of grief over that, and poo-pooed you. But I did appreciate your being gracious with all my "no no!". I did not give you any indication that it secretly pleased me.

(I will deny this if asked).

You sprayed me with cold water (I suspect when not really an ACCIDENT) and gave me a hard time. I loved having you do my hair because it was such fun to tease you. And take it back from you.

It's so annoying to have to be NICE to other people who now do my hair. Sigh............ you sure spoiled me for others. Don't you pity them?

Okay, Jen...what is going on now? You've changed the bills into your name, you've gotten busy to take care of the finances. Are you ready for "company". Can I safely come and see you? What do you need from people right now? I don't know whether you need a little space for a little bit or would welcome a diversion.

Email me separately if you like and let me know when I should knock on your door.

You are never long out of my thoughts and prayers.

Carol Shegrud <shegdude@gvtel.com>
Bagley, MN - Wednesday, January 14, 2004 9:17 PM CST

Hi jen I went out to the burial site today mom had asked me to put some snow around that tripod thing. But what mom doesn't realize is there is NO snow. :) The wreath looks very nice. And your flowers on there look as to be frozen in time. I love you. Your little sis.
Jamie, Travis and Brenden <Pandorra@prtel.com>
- Tuesday, January 13, 2004 4:21 PM CST

Jennifer: As you know, I've lost both of my parents, with Mom dying Oct. 1. I had no clue how much more difficult her death would be than Dad's. And, I've learned so much about grief. Grief is a weird thing. You're just walking in the grocery store and see a bag of cranberries. And the tears start because you remember how much Mom loved cranberries. I pick up the phone to call her when something special happens in my life. It leaves an emptiness to know she isn't there. I can only imagine how much deeper the grief in losing a beloved spouse must be. You have two beautiful children to distract you. But, please remember, that you can't go around the pain of this loss. You can't go over it or under it. You have to go through it. It can be a horribly painful thing to experience. But, you will get through it and come out on the other side as a stronger woman. There will come a time when the sun will shine again in your life. Allow yourself to lean on others. Help them to deal with their grief by letting them help you. If you need to cry, do it. If you need to rage, find a safe friend who will be there for you.
Hang in there, Sweetie. You are loved by people you don't even know.
Joanne Wright <jwright242@aol.com>
St. Paul, MN Ramsey - Tuesday, January 13, 2004 1:55 AM CST

Jennifer, I am so proud of you. I am glad to call you my sister. You have been so strong through out all of your struggles. I don't know if I could ever be as strong as you. Even today I cry for you..chad..and the kids. And I think if I hurt this much inside how must you feel. And words just can't explain it. I know it will take time for all of us to heal. I just wish it would go a little faster. I love you and again I am proud to call you my sister. Your little sis. And just a phone call away.
Jamie Adams <pandorra@prtel.com>
- Monday, January 12, 2004 9:21 PM CST

Jen you are doing so much what you need to do. You're realizing so much and letting it hit you as it needs to. You're being vulnerable to the pain and finality of your loss, while still being sensitive to your children. You are being the woman that Chad loved; and it is a beautiful thing.

The rushes of pain will engulf you; the memories of love will sustain you over some of the rough edges of this experience. Chad gave you evidence of love even through his weakness; just as you are now weak and are giving love to your babies as you can.

Chad would be soooo proud of how you are handling the finances, the keeping the kids together; watching home videos, and being even able to be concerned about another family's situation. What a wonderful act of unselfishness to be gathering up Chad's things to provide relief to another traveler on one of life's hard journies!

Hugs and love,

Carol <shegdude@gvtel.com>
Bagley, MN - Monday, January 12, 2004 7:28 AM CST

Jenn: We are here for you. You have refused to show the depth of your grief, but we could hear it in your voice. Your words needs to be said...your tears need to fall. The heart hurts, and your memory will cause you to backtrack often. None of this is bad, as long as you continue to look ahead. Look into Tate & Kiah's faces, these are Chad's eyes looking back @ you with love. We love you. mom
mom h <lkhanson@lakesplus.com>
- Sunday, January 11, 2004 10:55 PM CST

Hi Jen, I Just read your entry for today. I'm glad to hear that you're letting your grief come out. It's good to be strong for the kids, but your grief needs an outlet as well. I'm glad that you and Chad were able to build so many great memories together, such as your backrubs. I can only hope that someday I can find a love like that which the two of you had. I also want to say thank you for remembering Mom's birthday. Considering all that you've been through that really means a lot, as so many others let that special day slip past them. If you ever need to talk or whatever, give me a call. Or, I still use the messenger programs (greytigrrr on both AIM and yahoo). Take care of yourself. Hugs and kisses. Steph

Stephanie Wilcox <GreyTigrrr@comcast.net>
Springfield, OR - Sunday, January 11, 2004 9:58 PM CST

Dear Jennifer: I am sorry to read that your husband has died from the DSRCT. My son died last Christmas, Brad on December 28th, 2002, and even now I sometimes just can't believe he is gone, and that the treatment just didn't work on that very very strong aggressive cancer. Brad's wife and myself have become very close over the past year, and it is only with the support of family and friends that I have managed, and continue to manage, and actually, it is only just recently that I have started to allow myself to be with people and to accept all the outpouring of love and support that people give.
Love to you and your family..Sandy
Sandy Kirkpatrick <sandykirk@comcast.net>
Salem, MA USA - Sunday, January 11, 2004 9:45 AM CST

Jennifer: Just a quick note to tell you again thank you for the birthday card and for thinking of me on my birthday and to let you know that we are thinking of you. Hugs to everyone. Love, Aunt Debbie
Debbie Barker <TopBranch@aol.com>
Springfield, OR - Saturday, January 10, 2004 10:05 PM CST

Hi, Jen. Thinking of you tonight (as I do every day) and hoping that you are doing well. I called the guy about the snowmobile run and am excited about it! What a great thing!

Praying for you and the kids, and planning my kidnapping of yours truly,

I am.....

your friend, Carol <shegdude@gvtel.com>
Bagley, MN - Friday, January 9, 2004 10:03 PM CST

With thoughts of you on my mind tonight. I am sure the quietness of evening after the kids go to bed must be thinking time. Allow your mind to think and wonder as you go through the grieving process. Some steps are forward and some are back and that is ok. You have already made strides. You are truly surrounded by some absolutely wonderful people!! I know I always say phone calls no matter when are always welcome. Allow those around you to support you when you need. You are a beautiful person. You seemed so strong at the funeral and the prayer service in Fergus. It is okay to cry!! It actually helps. Your kids will help keep the happy memories happy. Allow their innocence to infect you. You are an awesome mom. You are a strong person, but don't forget the tenderness that is inside of you. Hug and Kiss those little angels twice. Keep the faith. Allow those who will listen to listen. Sometimes that is what you need. I continue my prayers for you and your family.
Paula <mpolson@loretel.net>
- Thursday, January 8, 2004 6:31 PM CST

Hugs and more hugs coming your way. Love, mom H
mom h <lkhanson@lakesplus.com>
- Wednesday, January 7, 2004 9:58 PM CST

Jen - it is nice to still hear from you . It has been almost 31 years since I lost my first husband. I, too, had two kids and knew nothing about paying bills, etc. I always use to wonder why the Lord took him from us - but I know of the wonderful things he has done for me since. One of them being here and being able to talk to you. The best thing is the memories - they never leave you nor the children. The stages of grief sometimes are nonforgiving but this will also pass. You have the love of friends such as us, and if you need someone to listen who has been there - please call on me. Love Jo and Roger (one of my reasons the Lord watches out for me!!) Take care.

Jo Pederson <pederson@lakesplus.com>
- Wednesday, January 7, 2004 9:43 PM CST

Jen - I talked to my 18 year old son tonight and he would be honored to participate in the snowmobile run. We will call the contact person and get involved.

I found a penny today too! It was very shiny and kind of beckoned me to see it! And, of course, I thought of Chad and the magic pennies. It is so cool...I will never think of pennies found the same way again.

So I'm claiming a penney for Chad thinking of you all, and continuing his love to his family through special memories.

The next person who has a baby girl who is connected with Chad in any way needs to name her "Penny". Since I am out of the child-bearing years, this honor will have to belong to someone else (heh heh).

Looking forward to beautiful things for your family, Jen, I remain,

Your friend

Carol <shegdude@gvtel.com>
Bagley, MN - Tuesday, January 6, 2004 10:26 PM CST

Yes mom. I check the site daily but I do not always write anything. Jen knows I love her and I am always thinking of her. We love you jen, tate and kiah. Sometimes I can just feel that chad is here with us. Today It was a little odd. Those of you who know about the pennies will understand. Today I was going around to all my vacant apartments and cleaning. And I'm not kidding at all! I found one single penny in each and every apartment!! I don't know what you started mom but I hope Tate gave chad enough pennies. My love to you all. Jamie
Jamie, Travis, Brenden <pandorra@prtel.com>
- Tuesday, January 6, 2004 6:26 PM CST

so, many people have been cking on your site, I pray you can feel the strength & warmth their caring thoughts bring. I wish more just write the words "thinking of you", I know it would give you a smile to see where all the prayers are coming from. I'm thinking of you and sending much love. Hugs to all of you. Love mom H
mom H <lkhanson@lakesplus.com>
- Tuesday, January 6, 2004 6:09 PM CST

HI JEN,
IT IS BETH DAUNORAS AND I JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU AND YOUR FAMILY WE ARE SO SORRY FOR THE LOSS OF CHAD. I WAS KEEPING UP WITH HIS CARE THROUGH BETH O. JUST LIKE YOUR HUSBAND MY HUSBAND JAY ALSO HAS DSRCT. JAY IS ABOUT 6MONTHS BEHIND CHAD.
MY THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS ARE WITH YOU.
GOD BLESS
Beth Daunoras <HOOKANDTHECOOK@AOL.COM>
23 Stockbridge Ct., nj usa - Tuesday, January 6, 2004 3:26 PM CST

Jen - it is so awesome that BCC is doing this fundraiser for the kids. It is amazing that there are still such employers out there (not that mine aren't awesome lol). I hope you all have a great time on the snowmobile ride. Sure hope Tate's tongue is doin' ok - sure sucks that you gotta learn that one the hard way, huh? Take care and hugs to all of you.
Stephanie Wilcox <GreyTigrrr@comcast.net>
Springfield, OR - Tuesday, January 6, 2004 12:27 AM CST

What a great idea, Jen, for the snowmobile fund raiser! It sounds wonderful. Tomorrow I will ask my son if he would like to be part of it. He just got his snowmobile in shape (it's an old one but he's done a lot of work on it). I think he would be proud to be part of the team. I can bake cookies or something for the riders along the way (or whatever else might need to be done).

That made me laugh, too, about Tate and the tongue on metal! I can think of several of my children who got a big surprise by that!

I'm glad his day back to school was good.

Hugs and prayers.....

Carol <shegdude@gvtel.com>
Bagley, MN USA - Monday, January 5, 2004 11:31 PM CST

Jen - I can't add much that is new, as everyone has had such amazing things to say. However, I can say that I love you and the kids and truly wish there were more that I could do beyond typing messages. I'm sending big hugs your way. This is a new challenge for you, which I can already tell you are meeting head on and I know Chad is proudly watching, knowing that you're doing what needs to be done and that his children are well loved and cared for by you. Someone wrote that you're never alone because God is with you, that is true, but Chad is also with you always. He sees you tucking the kids in at night, and you buying groceries, and all the other every day things. Continue to do his love proud and all will be well. You are a very strong person who has matured in ways I never would have imagined as we were growing up. I love you all. Steph

Stephanie Wilcox <GreyTigrrr@comcast.net>
Springfield, OR - Monday, January 5, 2004 12:21 AM CST

Hi Jen,
My name is Jody and I met you and Chad in the ER on Chad's last journey to the hospital. Deb R. had also came over and visited for awhile and said that she gave you a "HUGE" hug! Needless to say I wish I would have hugged you both and as I walked down the hall back to work I prayed for you and your family with tears in my eyes. I know that grieving the loss of a loved one is extremely painful and ongoing. Keep the faith you are a very strong and lucky girl to have those little "chads" Tate and Kiah to play with everyday!
Sincerely,
Jody
Jody Severson <severson@paulbunyan.net>
Bemidji, Mn Beltrami - Monday, January 5, 2004 10:48 AM CST

Jennifer: I understand the feeling of aloneness you are having, even though you have people around you. I experienced it in lesser degree when Mike was in the hospital for a month and almost died. Mike felt it after being his father's primary caregiver for more than 6 months. After his dad died, Mike didn't really know what to do with himself. It took time. Even so, he found himself saying "I'll ask Dad about the best way to do this" and then realized that he had to figure it out himself. Just like Mike, you'll figure it out yourself. You'll make decisions and you'll make mistakes. Just learn from the mistakes. Give yourself time and permission to squander time once in a while. Take the kids out for a treat and just relax. You probably haven't truly relaxed in the past 2 1/2 years. Relax and feel Chad's love envelop you.
If necessary, go outside, fling your arms out while lifting your face to the sky and scream. Get your frustrations and anxieties out. (Make sure the neighbors aren't home or they'll think you're a lunatic!!) Afterwards, you'll probably laugh yourself silly thinking about what you did.

Remember, there is no timeline to the grieving process. When you are done grieving, you'll know. There is no set pattern to the grieving process. What works for one doesn't necessarily work for another. Do what works for you.

You and the kids are in our thoughts daily. I wish we were closer to lend a hand but we aren't so my puny words will have to do. Take care. We love you. Hugs to all. Aunt Debbie
Debbie Barker <TopBranch@aol.com>
Springfield, OR - Sunday, January 4, 2004 10:42 PM CST

Jen: just leaving you a note to tell you that you are loved very much. Dad & I know you will make good decisions and your love will help Tate & Kiah become the best they can be. You have a good day...may it be filled w/smiles and hugs from "the little people". You have the love of many people to draw strength from. Love you, mom H
mom h <lkhanson@lakesplus.com>
- Sunday, January 4, 2004 9:19 PM CST

Jen,
I have never met you but have followed closely these last 21/2 years, I work with your mother in law Pat. We have shared a lot of feelings. I have prayed for your family and will continue to pray for your family.I know God will give you the strength to carry on. You are very special person just keep your eyes on God.
From what I hear Chad was a really special man and had a lot of strength to fight the way he did. Your Love was special and rare just hang onto the Memories you have and will always have . My thoughts and prayers continue for you and the children. All my Love Linda Earley
Linda Earley <learley@myfam.com>
Detroit Lakes, MN USA - Sunday, January 4, 2004 5:59 PM CST

Jen, We just wanted to let you know that we are thinking of you and are so proud of you. In reading your entries, we are amazed at how strong you are and at the same time, you know when you can put your guard down and let the tears flow. This is a wonderful healing process and it would be a lie to say that you won't have bad days, but your faith and strength will carry you through. God bless you and the kids. Lots of Love, Chad, Wanda, and Noah
wanda <wandahagen@meritcare.com>
- Sunday, January 4, 2004 1:16 PM CST

Hi, Jen.

What a beautiful explanation of how the finality of that "best friend" not being there to listen, to laugh, to share all the things that you are used to sharing with that person, is.

You are in the process of becoming just "you", without the person that helped to shape that very "you". I think that the love you shared with Chad will definitely help you because you can think "Chad would have liked that joke", or "Chad would think that movie was great" or other things that two people know about each other instinctively.

Oh, Jen, you have so many adjustments to make - and so many of them mostly in your thinking process. It's like learning to walk all over again, and to talk.

Your courage and your determination to create a life after your loss are going to help you focus. I think Chad knew that in you he had a fighter....he would expect you to lift your chin and face the future boldly.

But in your boldness, and in your steps, remember that you are never alone. God is always there to hold you up when you fall or are dizzy. And, Jen, too, you have a good support system.

I think that your journals have been so wonderful. They have been honest and tender and tough. I hope you will continue to write.

You are a dear person, Jen.

I'm kidnapping you for lunch soon.

Carol <shegdude@gvtel.com>
Bagley, MN - Sunday, January 4, 2004 0:27 AM CST

Jen: It was difficult to leave today. As I read your last entry, it shows much grieving process. Not bad, though...you will come through this and continue to make Tate & Kiah aware of how much they were loved by Chad. You already understand the depth of the love you two shared. Many people are married, but few are married to their best friend, you did indeed experience the best life has to offer. Keep you memories and your heart open, Chad is watching over you. Love you very much, mom H
mom H <lkhanson@lakesplus.com>
- Saturday, January 3, 2004 11:01 PM CST

Thoughts and prayers continue for you and your family. I talked with Pat again this evening. I agree with the book writing!!! Your words would be an inspiration to those in a similar situation. How are the kids? I think of them and how their acceptance of the situation must at times be a challenge for you. I can be of any assistance you would need in February. Let me know what I can do. I have your phone number, so will call you in a few weeks. BCC has been so awesome to all of you. It is overwhelming to see that support from his employer. Chad was a wonderful person, something I know I don't have to convince you of. Keep listening to Enya--she is great. Hug and Kiss your children twice and Keep the Faith. You are not alone.
Paula <mpolson@loretel.net>
- Friday, January 2, 2004 9:04 PM CST

Jen ~

An empty bed
a swollen heart
a terror in the night

Two hearts were one
and now he's gone
it doesn't feel right

You look around
at all you've made
the home that love created

The children look
at you for strength
and all your might has faded

Their upturned faces
wonder now
what twists and turns await

But God has filled
and God will give
The love upon your plate

He's whispering
in your ear
Be Mine in all you do

I will give you
what you need
to see this heartbreak through

Love,

Carol <shegdude@gvtel.com>
Bagley, MN - Friday, January 2, 2004 9:41 AM CST

Jennifer: You continue to amaze me. Your words of 12/31 are those of a mature woman who was loved well. I truly believe that with a little assistance, you could turn Chad's battle into a book. Your journal entries are a complete history from day 1. Think about it a little and then talk to someone in the English Department at the college about it. A book like that could serve as a reference for others going through a similar situation. Your words of wisdom could help someone else.

We have had more snow here than the past 5 years combined (all I've lived here). The last heavy snowfall was in 1996, according to the TV. Since this is the valley, they just aren't ready for a Minnesota winter. We got 4" to 6" today and are forecasted to get more over the weekend. Whoopee!!

Your New Years' Eve sounded like it was a nice, relaxing time. You needed that, I'm sure. I hope 2004 is a good year for you and the kids. If we can do anything to help make it so, please do not hesitate to ask or let me know. Love to all. Aunt Debbie

Debbie Barker <TopBranch@aol.com>
Springfield, OR - Thursday, January 1, 2004 11:56 PM CST

Hi jen, I love you! Just wanted you to know I'm thinking about you. My heart breaks every time I do. If you would like I can come and stay with you this weekend. I'm sure Brenden would have a great time the kids. Remember I'm always here for you. Love you, Jamie
Little sis <pandorra@prtel.com>
- Thursday, January 1, 2004 11:16 PM CST

Jenn, your 31st letter says so much more than we do on the phone...of course, I'm saying this thru many tears! I'm glad you continue to hear good things about Chad, it only confirms our thoughts. I'll see you tomorrow. You take time to care for yourself & hug the kids. Love, mom h
mom h <lkhanson@lakesplus.com>
- Thursday, January 1, 2004 8:02 PM CST

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